The X Factor: I've got the poison (I've got the remedy)

Double elimination! Surely Katie's gotta go tonight.
I think The Wanted need to waltz off. At least they're proving their not miming by being so out of tune. They are like One Direction's grand dads. Is there a good looking one? Negative. One of them looks like the dude out of the Social Network, one looks like David Platt, and one looks like an alcoholic ex-boyfriend I had a few years back. What a treat.
I don't know much about Justin Beiber except he looks like he needs a good slap. At least he's miming. It's like Peter Beale has drunk too much red bull and done a song and dance routine at Christmas. I've heard less vocoder on 'do you belieeeeeeeve in life after love?'
Nicole Sch.... she's got the poison (I've got the remedy). Why has ever single pop song from Bieber to Perry to Rhianna got a cheesy pathetic 90s trance beat on it right now? it's even got the washing machine sound effect on it. It sucks. She looks like a 60-year-old dominatrix in that get up.
When did Louis's hair turn black? He looks like he's been using engine oil for hair gel. Did Dermot just say 'you did three of One Direction?' Nicole talks exactly like Michael Jackson. Weird.
I'm grumpy now cos we're cooking a roast and it's burning. DAMN YOU OVEN. Who will go? I think it will be Katie and Mary. Well, ideally.
Why did Cheryl look shocked Rebecca got through? Matt and his incredibly flat face are through. Cher's getting some booage. Why?
Fuck, Wagner's in the bottom three! Boo.
Katie is a goner. Finally! Aw shame she didn't get to do a final sing off really. Wagner is a GONER. The judges have been gunning for him for weeks.
Wagner; unforgettable. Well, for about a month. He looks like he's enjoying himself, anyway.
Mary's got a boob tattoo! She's come out fighting. This is better than anything she's done for a while.
Wagbo's mum and dad; united in grief. Touching stuff.
Louis could have said his name right as he sent him home, ffs. Shouldn't he have abstained?
Wagner is such a gent! He's a really good sport. Sucks that Chezza is the nail in his coffin.
Well that's it then. Like a bat out of hell, he's gone.

The X Factor: Rock off

Rock night. I hope they are doing heavy metal, rather than indie pop and calling it rock. I don't like Dermot's suit for starters.
Ooh, Wagner's first. They deffo got the knives out. Aw, Wagner is a cat lover. I knew he was a decent bloke.
Wagner's doing Creep. Well, apart from the fact I never want to hear it again, it's the perfect choice. He's actually singing it good, too! This is ace. He almost sang it in time, too. It seemed very short, though! That was Wagner's best song ever.
Dannii is calling Wagner a creep. Cheryl's got Jordan's make up on tonight. Simon, the song is not called 'I'm a creep'. Louis, neither are the words, 'I'm a winner'- it's 'weirdo', love. Little Thom Yorke is amused, I'm sure (if he's watching from his eco-house). Either way, I like Wagner more than Simon, Louis, Cheryl and Dannii combined.
One Direction doing Bryan Adams; ugh. It would have been better to give them something a bit indie, a bit more edgy like The Libertines or something (snort). This is 12 different kinds of shit; their target audience don't know this song.
I don't like the way Mary is singing this song, and I don't mind it normally (even though it's U2).
Not sure what Cher's singing but it sounds like a tape slowly getting chewed up in a car stereo. She looks about 12 with what she's wearing too. The rap was the best bit.
OMH look at her blusher! It's like how a mental person would put makeup on. I like her lipstick, though. Shame she's such an arsehole. Even the way she asked for people to vote for her was shirty. Was that an Avril Lavigne song? Rawk.
Rebecca. U2 AGAIN. Fuck off. she's doing a jazz version. She should try screaming, it might suit her. This is drab.
Matt is falling on his arse again, this week I see. These shouty ones do nothing for him, his voice just gets lost. He really should be doing Coldplay. Or Travis.
LOL Katie's doing Kings of Leon. Behold the fire! WOO! Backing vocals agogo. This is making me pine for Aiden, he would have smashed rock week. Her voice is too reedy for rock, this reminds me of Jamie Afro's faux rock (frock). All the 'wooing' and 'come on's. Not I won't come on.
Oh, Simon, please crawl out of her arse, you're losing any modicum of credibility you ever had. Cheryl: 'you got into character'. Being a rock singer isn't some sort of hat you can pput on. Her hair looks horrible as well, I'm missing the blonde bird's nest.
Oh Jesus Christ, they're all performing again! I'm going to get a drink. My boyfriend is having a nap and just woke up and I told him they're doing another song and he went back to bed.
Wagner won the first round! Which is why they put him at the start, so people could conveniently forget that he was actually alright. Boo!
Wagner does seem to be more in tune this week, even on this second song. Weird. LOL it had a Harry Hill ending.
WTF are One Direction singing?! This isn't rock. This is cock, not rock. I'd love for them to be in the bottom two. DRIPPY.
I hate MARY. I just do. FAST FORWARD.
Rebecca: I hate this song.
Katie: Everybody Hurts. Hmm. I'm losing the will to live. Simon was a bit unfair on her really; she sang it well, it's not her fault she only gets a minute to sing it.
Matt: ugh. Simon: 'genius'. Oh, do shut up.
Cher's been playing dress up again. I hate this song too. In fact; I hate my life.
Oh Cheryl, just get off with Cher already. Zzzz.
Right: I'm waking my boyfriend up. I think he had the right idea.

Documentary: Alesha Dixon: Don't Hit My Mum

Yes, please don't hit my mum Alesha, she's done nothing to you! Here, beautifully inane Alesha Dixon discusses domestic violence. This is going to be a bit of a minefield for me, both because of the involvement of Alesha, and the subject matter. It's going to get a little personal. But here goes.
One of the children at the very start of this documentary said 'he threw her down the stairs; and for that reason I'll never forgive him.' I understand that sentiment. The thought of all the children out there having to witness that sort of stuff feels horrific. How can parents do that to their children, do that in front of their children? They just don't give a shit. That's the long and short of it.
Alesha's mum's boyfriend beat her up when Alesha was 8. Mine happened when I was 11.
It is a horrible feeling to feel powerless; but it's worse to see your mother powerless. Especially when she has the choice to walk, but she won't. That's the worst part. I do blame my mum for not leaving sooner, and I don't apologise for that. There's a point where a victim needs to gather themselves up for the sake of the children. Once she left everyone was like 'your mum has abandoned you' and I just thought 'good. why on earth didn't she leave three years ago?' It was the smartest move she ever made. I told her a million times to go before that.
Alesha, bless her, hasn't really got the gravitas to tackle this subject with any sort of feeling. She even makes horrific violence seem mildly boring.
It was interesting what she was saying about 'not having a say' in how you were raised; I think that's an important point; once you're an adult you DO have a say. You can choose to separate yourself from violent family members, or situations that are bad for you. I spent my entire teenage years waiting for the next blow up. I am proud that I live in a safe space now. I am reluctant to get dragged down by it all again. 'Victims' have to do the right thing by themselves- and blood isn't thicker than water, especially when you've seen it splashed over the pavement.
Alesha says she feels sorry for her mum, but it sounds like her mum is over it. It's the same for me, my mum couldn't give a shit about what happened, but that stuff scarred me for life. It's different for children; you're developing, and that rips a hole in you.
One girl talked about how she tried to get in the middle of the violence and he carried on hitting her mum like she wasn't there. I remember so vividly trying to get my dad off my mum, and he just didn't even even register I was there. We also ran to our neighbour on that day.
It was interesting to hear the girl talk about picking up with her dad again after 13 years; I don't speak to my dad, and I've noticed myself feeling increasingly guilty about it. But I've always thought; if a stranger did that to your mum, would you ever forgive them? So what's the difference? I always come back to that thought. I will never have children- but if I did, I could never do that to them. Don't you just want to protect them? I just can't make sense of it.
Alesha says 'you should always question why someone acts a certain way, especially if it's a violent way'. But should you? I don't care what drove him to it; he shouldn't ever have done that, and especially not in front of me. I'm not interested in the reasons behind it. It's just thuggery. If that's too hardline, then whatever. It's just an excuse; you have a free choice on how to behave.
It's interesting when you realise your 'role models' are deeply fucked up. But it's also completely annihilating.
The conversation about how witnessing violence at a young age affects the brain was interesting. I 'only' saw one incident of extreme violence; I dread to think how my brain would have been affected if I'd seen that over and over.
The psychologist said the effect of witnessing violence makes you constantly frightened, and that's definitely how I felt as a teenager, constantly on edge.
Wow, Alesha Dixon is quite stunning. Bless her, she's trying.
Ah- Alesha visited a domestic violence incident with the police between a male couple! I've been discussing this with another friend today, so that's interesting. Apparently 11% of domestic violence victims are men. They don't seem to be the ones getting murdered, though. Eek, they played a really scary 999 call with a guy going crazy. DV is no joke. Look at how many men kill their partners (and whole families, if they're a real special case) per year- it's terrifying, and it's largely ignored. Oh, another one. It's just too commonplace.
I can't stress enough for women to leave, for kids to speak out, for men to THINK just think about what you are doing.
OMG! This guy used to make the mum say who she loved more out of him or her daughter and force her to say him! FUCKED.
My mum used to say over and over 'he would never lay a finger on you' as if that made everything OK. I don't think she had a clue what that situation actually did to me; she still doesn't really get it; although she gets it a lot more than she used to, because I forced her to.
I was interested when Alesha talked to a perpetrator at the end; and I do believe men can change- they do. I used to not think that, but I've grown up a bit. Once a wifebeater, always a wifebeater, I did believe that. But I don't now. But even if you can change, it doesn't make what you did in the past forgiveable. It doesn't change what you did. Wow, Alesha is really nodding, it's like a fucking Churchill advert.
I'm not sure about teaching kids about DV in school. Can you teach someone not to be a sadistic bastard? No, I'm wrong actually, it can't hurt, can it. Maybe it never occurred to someone not to be like that.
Footnote: Do you know how I met my best friend twelve or thirteen years ago? Her mum was in a shelter, running away from her dad, very similar situation to mine, and put a pin in a map, and hit Northampton, where I grew up. Unlucky for them, maybe, but lucky for me. It's funny how things turn out.
OK, back to the telly.

The Apprentice: Let's get down to crispness

I'm having a hell of a day, and I don't see how The Apprentice will help. Hopefully it will just take my mind off the horror happening in my bathroom (don't ask).
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing . Chris is heading the other team.
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.

Banged Up Abroad (Locked up abroad)

I’m often so busy talking about the shows I don’t like on here, I forget to champion the ones I do. Banged Up Abroad (also called Locked Up Abroad overseas) is a hidden gem, stowed away on the National Geographic channel (me neither). From the title I’d think it was a show like Road Wars, featuring drunks getting nicked in Magaluf. I can assure you it is NOTHING like that, so don’t let the title put you off.
90% of the time, the show follows the same format, which is as follows: person struggles for money in hot country. Person meets X, who offers them the chance to earn big bucks smuggling drugs. Person goes for it, panics a bit, then gets caught.
The format is so simple, and it’s almost the same every week, but what makes it so compelling is that it’s real people telling their stories. Half the show is them being interviewed telling you how it happened, and half is a ‘reconstruction’ of events.
One of the things I like best about Banged Up Abroad is the quality of the lookalikes they use for their reconstructions. You’re so used to reconstructions being almost comically shit, that these ones are actually an art form in comparison. On more than one occasion I’ve thought it was actually the same person as the actor. They really, really make the effort with them, which makes it feel all the more real- especially as sometimes they’ll show you the actual crime photo of the person getting caught with the drugs in the airport and you can see how the lookalike is dressed exactly the same; they really care about the detail.
There’s always a scene where the person gets caught at the airport, and you always know it’s going to happen, but you still feel like you’re there with them when they feel that hand on their shoulder. Half the show is just build up to that moment. Sometimes they get through once or twice and that makes them greedy. I’ve seen ones where people have been conned into it, ones where people have swallowed bundles of coke. Then there’s what happens to them when they’re in prison; and often it’s horrific. Often they do several years before they get out of the most horrendous of jails. I saw one recently where the guy became a junkie and contracted HIV. Grim stuff.
One of the best episodes I saw was of a couple telling their story, and they always give their interview in front of a black background, and at the end, they drew the curtain back, and you realised they were still inside! It was so horrendous, because normally you’re waiting to find out how many years they did. It was a brilliant twist. The girl was like this Manchester raver type, everything was ‘safe’ and ‘wicked’, and it was so weird to think of her still in there.
Sometimes they deviate from the usual formula- we saw this amazing one where this guy got kidnapped by rebels in the jungle and they kept him for months. He told them he was dying of prostate cancer to freak them out and kept shoving a key up his nose so they thought his nose was bleeding from the cancer. So much stuff happened in that episode, it was like a mini film. He was the most amazingly brave person; he was like Indiana Jones.
The whole concept seems like such a simple idea, and didn’t even sound appealing to me at first, but it really is the storytelling that drags you in, and the thought that it could be you. Just one bad decision is all it takes to change the course of your life forever.
I recommend.

The X Factor: A crab came up and pinched your feet

So after Take That, JLS and Westlife last week (all shit, but all quite famous) this week we get Olly Murs. What's with this rubbish ska direction he's gone in? 'A crab came up and pinched your feet!' WTF.
He looks and sounds like Will Young, but with less hair. I find adding height to your hair when you're balding doesn't help. The clothes are dreadful. WHO IS BUYING THIS? It is dire! It is beyond dire. I think this might be the worst song I've ever heard.
I don't like all these 'Idol gives back' rip off things. It's just a dumb entertainment show, let's not pretend otherwise.
They are miming this song. Miming it! Why?! OMG Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Where's Wagner? It's the perfect time to give him a line to sing; when everyone's miming.
Katie's through! Was it the hair that did it? She didn't get booed either.
LOL Cher in the bottom two over Wagner! CHERYL'S FACE! Priceless. Priceless! I love it, because it reminds the judges we are in control, not them. I think Cher's good but she's too cocky. Dannii's face and Louis's face was good too. Shocker!
BYE PAIJE.
Cher sang the most 'loved song of all time' and was still in the bottom.
I like this song Paije is doing. Is Cher seriously going to do the song she did a couple of weeks ago? That shouldn't be allowed. Paije is actually singing this really well! Wow, he's really going for it! Didn't know he had it in him.
I'd like Cher to go in a way just to take Cheryl down a peg or two; she's been unbearable this week. Rise up Wagner fans!
I can't believe she's singing this again! She didn't even have to learn another song. Rubbish.
Cher looks like a snivelling little child. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis saves Paije and takes it to deadlock. He's a cheeky one! He likes the drama.
Ah, well he did the right thing. Cher is much more watchable than Paije, despite everything.
Katie and Wagner WILL NOT DIE. Could Wagner make the final? We decide, not the judges. Don't forget it!

The X Factor: When I dream, I dream of your vest

After the utter irrelevance of Elton John week, comes the tawdry cash-in of Beatles week. I can't stand the Beatles, or anyone who likes them. Do you know how many times I've had someone say to me 'You don't like the Beatles?!' like I've just said I like sucking off dogs. No I don't like the Beatles, they have no relevance to my life whatsoever. I'm sure to their generation they were great; fine, keep it to your generation and don't expect me to bow and scrape at the altar of Fab Macca, because I won't. It says nothing to be about my life. There's a lot of variety, and I'm sure the songs are well-written, but there's no heart to it as far as I'm concerned.
UGH Macca. Toady old twonk. I prefer Heather. Thumb aloft; now fuck off.
Matt. Zzz. Every act I'm just gonna think 'where's Aiden?'
OMG what is Matt doing? He's wearing a vest- not sure he's got the body for it. Sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. I hate this song. I hate ALL BEATLES songs. At least he's doing something different, I guess. His gigantic face just gets on my nerves, though.
Ooh, Louis doesn't like it. Louis has spoken! And Louis is a fan of a man in a vest, I'm guessing.
God I wish they'd take the audience out and shoot them one by one, tbh. Dannii: 'that performance was dripping.' Quite.
Cher is a ruthless little thing. I don't think she'll win it, actually. IMAGINE. Even I know that's not The Beatles. I fucking hate Imagine, too. Is she gonna do a rap in it? They should bring Yoko on to do a rap.
Why is she sitting on the spiral staircase from Carla's flat in Corrie? Is she gonna fly like Prince? Look at her little legs. Simon looks bored to fuck. Louis is gunning for Cher right now. Cher looks like she's going to nut him.
I like the little dark one in One Direction. He's got lovely long eyelashes. I thought their performance was quite good actually. For a manufactured band, they work well together. Dannii is slagging off the one I like! STFU. The crowd situation is fucking dumb; the acts can't even hear what the judges are saying.
Rebecca. Stunning. Lovely. good voice. Turgid song. Louis's right; she is classy. What's up Dannii's (collapsed) nose this week?
My boyfriend just said 'I wonder what Aiden would have done this week?' SOB. My friend emailed last to say 'deleted X Factor out the planner the second Aiden went'. I admire her stance.
OMG are people still saying 'there's something about Mary?' Pass the gun, dear. I confess, I fast forwarded Mary. Look how happy Louis looks when Simon pays him a compliment!
Looking at Paije there when Aiden isn't probably hurts the most. UNDESERVED. Let it be! I can play this on a keyboard. That and 'oh when the saints'. And 'you fill up my senses.' That's my full repertoire, though.
Wow, Paige has got fireworks, a choir, all he needs now is THE X FACTOR.
LOL to Louis. 'Lenny Henry... Martin Luther... Marvin Gaye.' Next week Paige will be 50 Cent!
Wagbo! Ah, a medley. Of course. Seriously, I'm better on karaoke than this dude, and I'm completely flat. Hey Jude is about the only tolerable Beatles song; well, no more. That Ju-ju-judy bit was good though!
WTF is Dannii on about? WOW did you see that look Cheryl gave Wagner?! She's one ruthless BITCH. That will keep him in for another week, guaranteed. Nasty. Wagner's come back to Cheryl was PERFECT. Saying she had 'the manners of a princess' after she just spoke to him like that - lush.
Katie, you're getting your 'stick' and your 'schtick' mixed up. You'll confuse my friend Adam- we spent a whole evening explaining that to him once.
Help! Katie looks like a little monkey with that wig on. It is a wig... right? I like her dress and falsh eyelashes. It's a bit of a dreary version of this song.
VOTE AIDEN! Oh.