Big Brother 2011 - Wait until mum sees this

Two blogs on the trot, my laptop is going to cry. Lucky my novel writing has come to a grinding halt lately as I've had some serious techno troubles this week and I could have lost my magnum opus.

I'm looking forward to seeing Anton unravel from all angles tonight.

Showergate! Who DOES shower naked in from of their family? Well, maybe Jedward. Jem is dressed entirely in clothes I own today. Weird.

I think Faye doesn't want Jem to see her naked because she thinks she's out of shape. She's seriously touchy about her body, cos it's all she's got.

Alex is always supporting other people. When does anyone ever support her?

What exactly happened with Louise and Jay? What's the current status? I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of storyline here.

They are pointing out Harry is posh again, in case we've forgotten. They are obviously worried about him becoming a bit too popular. OMG 25 rooms in his house! It shouldn't take that long to count the rooms in your house. Right, it worked, I'm not voting for him. Aw, bootsy baby. Besides, he must still live with his mummy.

As much as I like Aaron it's indicative of the poor quality of housemates that he is winning all the public votes. I HATE it when housemates talk to the cameras, it's the lowest of the low, Big Brother shouldn't show it in my opinion.

Which campus is Jay the big man on? The university of idiots?

Aaron: 'I was a bit of a nincompoop at 19.' LOL. You're now talking to yourself in a garden. Get a grip, man.

Ah, Louise is back in bed with Jay. She must be bored.

I like Alex's pink dress. Aaron and Faye's showmance paid off. My boyfriend noticed that the housemates don't seem to be allowed to get up to hug each other when people get saved. Must be camera angles.

Can't believe Anton wanted to ruin Aden's exit. What a tool. Aden wasn't bothered about going! Lol to the Wolf pack's best bits. I didn't remember Pammy was a member.

Jay: 'he took it like a man'. Aden wasn't getting his limbs blown off in war, ffs. Then Jay started crawling up Aaron's arse. But Aaron still won't bite. Aaron is quite ungracious; be polite like Alex with the gross posh food.

I love the fact Faye and Aaron argue about how to celebrate not being evicted. They are a truly fucked up couple. Tom is right though; Aaron will get so far, but he won't win. It is the Freddie Factor, and it just took Bea to derail that train.

Uh oh, Louise is pissed and saying she fancies Jay again. Jay: 'so why did you say you didn't like us then?' Because SHE WAS SOBER.

Anton, you're not a popular villain. You're an unpopular knob.

I wonder why everyone's getting on? Because Anton and Jay are both on a kiss-ass mission. I like Jem's strawberry hat.

Frosties fight! Imagine finding all those in your pants all week! Aaron is disgusted! People having fun! HEATHENS.

LOl to Alex eating own-brand Frosties out of a shoe. There's one for her best bits. Probably still tasted better than Harry's posh nosh.

Aaron is in shock and awe! Faye's getting involved in the Frosties fight! Dumped again. Aaron is going to get a shock one of these days when his Victor Meldrew runs out of steam and he gets shown the door. And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it happened before Anton? Vote wisely this week, housemates.

The X Factor - Love & Heartache

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.

Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!

Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.

How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.

I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.

Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.

I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'

That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.

Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.

Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.

Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.

I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.

(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).

I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.

Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'

The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.

Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).

At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.

What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

Big Brother 2011 - Blessed of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrapish

Why is Jay getting cheered? He's a total arsehole. The crowd is full of knobs. If he hears himself getting cheered that will make him even more unbearable. Why is Faye getting cheered, too?

Anton's got his Dustin crown on! Douche.

Anton is plotting. Hopefully he won't be around to make the reign of the wolfpack come true.

Interesting they are pitching it as Aaron vs Anton. It's not quite a two horse race yet.

LOL to Brian flirting with Jem's ridiculously pumped boyfriend.

It took me about seven minutes to work out this game was meant to be Deal or No Deal. I love it when they bust out the kloches. Aden is getting quite a good edit, here. I would have took the phonecall.

Ugh that made me sick to see Jay getting cheered and congratulating himself. Yay, Aaron got the most votes! That's one in the eye for Jay. Aaron's being all humble! They don't normally tell you who got the most votes, interesting.

Why on earth did Aden let Louise cut his hair? Did he not see what she did to Jay? He looks like he's used to posing for mugshots.

Yuck, all that burping is gross. I'm on Aaron's side. I don't burp! Aaron has got the hump because Faye burped at him. My boyfriend is a bit funny about things like that, too, but luckily I don't burp. Aaron is 'scarred by it.' Control freak! Aaron is sooooo prissy.

I am sickened again by Jay getting so roundly cheered! The man is an animal. I can't stand Faye, but I'm glad they said she was safe before him. What's Jem wearing; some sort of hessian hat, a garland and a silver bikini. WTF.

Aaron and Faye are the touchiest couple on the planet! She can't tell when he's joking because he says them with a straight face and she can't hack it. If they're like this after three weeks 'of love' can you imagine what they'd be like after a year? Relationships are supposed to enrich you, ffs.

I might believe Aden was leaving more on Thursday if he wasn't sitting there on Friday night! I remember when John James went crab-eyesing through that very door. Magical moments, they were. Until they put him back in.

I'm so annoyed that Anton is pretending to care that we hate him. He cares a lot. He's just a little boy hiding behind a series of comedy hats. Damn him!

And damn Brian Dowling too, for making me wait an hour to find out what's what. I need to know now!

Love Anton going 'wow' when he realises Aaron and Faye are popular. Aaron shaking his head when Jay did his 'thanks' message was lols. Wolfpack crap. My thoughts exactly.

LOL to Anton surviving. Anton seems grateful for whatever braindead amoeba voted for him. Stop ruining Aden's moment, you prick. Brap! Aden sounds like my cat when he does his telephone noise. My cat makes that noise when he's happy; Aden seem pretty happy, too. Who can blame him?

LOL Anton is crying! I'm fucking thrilled. Are we finally seeing him crack? His friendship with Aden actually seems real. Could this be Anton's turnaround moment? If he does a proper grovel, maybe he could end up winning it. I never thought we would see this moment, when he was begging the crowd to boo him, but he does actually care! I knew it. He'll be cuddling Aaron by the end of the week.

Why DID Aden get such a good reception? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

I liked him being embarrassed at seeing himself blubbing. I hate it when people say 'I love you to pieces'. I have a mental image of being in pieces in a bin bag.

I thought Aden came off quite well in the interview. He seemed a lot perkier than in the house. I thought his skinhead looked alright, too, and I liked his interaction with the crowd.

LOL to him being embarrassed at his own rapping. Genuinity indeed! He took that very well. I actually thought he was cute when he went in. And he said Alex FTW. Yay. And a classy message, too.

Rebecca looked like an absolute state, but she looked really happy, like she actually loved him! Weird. What a strange happy ending. I believe in it more than Aaron and Faye, at least they might have some sexual chemistry. Well, for tonight, at least. Lock up your Travelodge!

Big Brother 2011 - Strop over yet? What about now?

What don't you want to hear about your hair in the morning? 'It doesn't look atrocious.' Still, better than 'it does look atrocious', I guess.

Every computer in my house is broken except this one, which is hanging on by a thread. I have to shut it every ten minutes to stop it overheating. If I have to end up writing a BB blog on my phone I'm going to be super miffy-ied.

Jay's in a grump about food again. It's like Groundhog Day. Groundhog Jay.

Anton: 'if my name's not called on Friday I'm leaving.' Not that old trick! Is he doing reverse psychology in the public? What an intelligent man! Evict it! I really miss the vote to evict this year. We were wrong for wanting the vote to save all that time. Vote to evict was amazing.

Could Aaron win it? Could he?

Aw to them buying Alex hair extensions. £30 is extravagant when they've only got £100 to last them a week. We're budgeting in our house at the mo, and I would call that entirely mental. My Avon stuff came today and now we can't even have a drink tomorrow! We had to buy our cats own brand cat food, ffs. Luckily, they eat anything.

I don't think OK magazine would even be interested in Faye and Aaron, they're so dull as a couple. Is it real, or isn't it? Either way, it's boring. I like Aaron, but she just saps me to death. They should have her droning on a loop to get confessions out of child molesters.

Is snap-on hair nice? I hate all hair extensions. Just grow your hair, you lazy buggers. It only takes two years and it doesnt come off in your soup.

LOL to Aden's house meeting. Loving the dramatic music. I wonder if there was one person in that kitchen not thinking 'what a prick.' Uncivil solutions all round, please. Now Anton is sulking in bed like Aaron normally does.

I LOVED Alex and Tom doing the Macarena 28 times. They are so cute together. How do they know all the dance moves? Do some people just come born with that ability to do the Macarena?

Aaron says the stupidest things. But Faye gets upset very easily. Aw, Aaron is cute. Faye can't take a joke and the sister is worse.

Harry is the funniest person in that house, hands down. I'd love a posho to win it. But can it be done? Save Aaron! Boo Jay. And throw things at Anton. Cheers.

Big Brother 2011 - We've grafted all day fighting Yetis

What's all this echoey recapping? Can we just see some new clips, please.

Alex shouldn't admit to Anton that she nominated him. Have you ever heard an intelligent person say 'because obviously I'm intelligent'? Do you think Einstein walked round extolling his own virtues and wearing a 'Wasn't Me' cap?

Bad atmosphere in that house today. The reason Anton's gone mad is because he's lost control and he's lost it badly. I still don't think he'll go, though. I think it'll be Aden.

Snow theme! What's up with Alex? I don't like things that are 'character building.' My character's built.

Aaron's got mirrors on his ceiling. Is that for wanking? He likes the work ethic of what Disney princess? The way Faye goes 'are you kinky?' is like 'have you got herpes?' No, I just like missionary position only Faye, once a week for the rest of our miserable life! Happy now, dear?

Jay was pretty close on the skiing task! Hehe. BB could be bullshitting about him being under time for all we know. I hope so.

Aaron: 'I bought into the concept of us.' Smooth.

Anton: 'Aaron's just a natural dickhead.' That's rich coming from him! I'm glad Louise stood up to him. I think Anton might stab someone soon. Hope it's Jay.

Beware the yellow snow. Ugh they made her eat cow urine? Surely that's against health and safety? She didn't look too pleased about that. Not sure why she tried it again, though.

I don't really like this task, or any elaborate task like this. I prefer the ones where they pull their personalities to bits, or when they just leave things to happen organically. But they never do that anymore.

I sleep with my contacts in, unlike that willyhole Aden. They just stick to my eyes after. Hardcore!

Who's in the Yeti suit? I reckon Holy Moly dude off BOTS. Brrrrrrrrap!

WTF is up with Anton? I think he's going to start clucking like a chicken in a minute. Spiteful little shit. He did well on that task, though, it looked hard.

Is it me or does Jay look quite sexy when they flash up that photo of him? Weird.

Oh god, not more shopping list gripes. Boring! Jay, you've not 'grafted all day fighting yetis', you went on a ski machine for half an hour.

Aaron: 'well done for climbing Ben Nevis but once again you've made a bit of an idiot of yourself.' True, dat. DOES good beat evil every time? Freddy Krueger says otherwise.

My boyfriend just came up with a title for my blog 'ava-lunch'. Too late!

Big Brother 2011 - Wolf pack (your bags)

Guillemots wake up call! I love Guillemots. Makes a nice change from David Guetta. Oh, God, Louise realised she doesn't connect with Jay whatsoever. She is leading him down the garden path a bit then, and she needs to tell him right now, as it's a bit unfair. This Guillemots song is called 'I don't feel amazing now.' Apt.

I've also never seen her with mascara down her face. Reassuring for us mortals. Look at Jay's boxers! I can see Peter Stringfellow in those babies.

I don't think she should get into bed with someone who she just wants to be friends with. Break it to him, and see if he jumps on Jem. I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, she's actually telling him. That's brave. Not sure he's listening. 'There's no chemistry but I like snogging you.' Mixed messages.

I like Tom's emaciated little body. Is that wrong? Aaron is stirring the pot. Ulterior motive!

I haven't found out the nominations this week. I'm surprised they're not letting Jem nominate! I think her nominations might have counted this week.

I don't like this nomination talk, as it advantages Anton's crew. Faye wants to nominate Louise? What's the point?

Is the osmosis effect 'if you hang around with shit, you'll be shit'? That's not what my science teacher told me. No wonder I only got a C in my GCSE.

Pleeeeeeeaaaase let Anton be up this week! Harry's not that stupid, Anton, you transparent fuck. Anton looks like fucking Zippy today. He looks like you could stick your arm up his neck and use him as a puppet.

Anton needling Harry to find out who he voted for. As if Aaron would vote for Harry! You douche, Anton.

Harry is getting away with banana-gate quite well. Tom looks nice today, I like his hair.

OMG I would kill to see Aden vs Anton. Aaron got the nominations pretty much spot on. Anton is such a TOOL!

Aden is so inconsequential now, he's like a little fucking bug crawling around with a hat on, giggling at Anton's sexism.

Aaron and Harry's patronising Alex corner. She's having none of it.

I'll be very interested to see this eviction. I think people will vote to save Aaron and some meatheads will vote to save Jay. Aden, Anton and Faye are all vulnerable, I think.

If people are booing Jay he'll walk straight out! Bold words. I'm almost tempted to go down there and boo myself.

Anton is sweating about this eviction and I like it. Aaron forgave Faye quickly for nomming him. Harry's clothes are a treat. My boyfriend said he's wearing Ben Duncan's cast-offs. i actually know someone who wears clothes like that in real life, my friend's FIANCE (not yours, Lopez).

Aden, at least Louise told you she nominated you. I wouldn't even waste a vote on you, you're so pointless. He's like those see no evil monkeys, except he's 'speak more bullshit' monkey.

Anton's stirring! Anton is so out of touch with Harry's real feelings it's untrue; even Louise can see through it. Anton is 100% the biggest buffoon to ever walk through those doors.

Aden, you pathetic little weasel, just go and get your heart trampled on by Rebeckah and STFU. I'm sick of the sight of you.

We think Alex can win it. What do you think?

Big Brother 2011 - can you hear me, honeybunch?

I think Louise is just getting caught up in the moment with Jay, but I don't think she really likes him. Mind you, I've been 'persuaded' to like someone before in my time.
Just as Aaron is feeling the 'trust', Big Brother are going to do something really nasty tonight. Mind you, it serves Faye right, she should never have nominated Aaron.
The prizes on that board look good. 'I hope I get the gym session' - wtf! People who are happy about going to the gym are sadistic cunts.
Aden - 'I want a date with Rebeckah'. Really?!
LOL to Jay getting a bunch of bananas, very apt.
OK so Faye hit nominations, so it wasn't really a set up. God, she's such a whinging old bag. Take that woolly hat off, you prat.
Harry won the phone call home on the Deal or No Deal phone. We've seen the crockery ban on BBUSA. They recycle all those ideas! This is quite a good task, though. Decent prizes. They should wheel this out again.
WTF Aden should not be allowed to WRITE in the Big Brother house! Kick him out.
LOL to Jem taking Jay to the gym. Faye took it well, didn't she? How can Aaron find that behaviour attractive? She is odious. She's sulking like a five-year-old who's dropped her lolly.
LOL to Jem slating Faye when she's in the same room! Love it.
Jem: 'if you're up for nomination this week you can go to a gym, can't you?' Brilliant, she just assumes her sister will be evicted.
I wish Faye would go and kill herself, as promised. I thought she wasn't going to watch them train. Their working out is the stupidest thing ever. I like Jay smoking and training. This Big Brother is funny for all the wrong reasons tonight.
WHY does Aaron like Faye? Why, why, why?
We were taking bets on whether Harry would call him mum 'mummy' and he did. AMAZING! I love posh people! Mummy! How could you do it on TV?! They think that's normal!
Oh Jay, you're so romantic. Can't wait to lick your bumhole. Louise's body makes me feel decidedly... wobbly in comparison.
Rebeckah's hair extensions! Mank. I like her bleach job, though. Aden's face when Rebeckah said 'I love you'. Class. Don't worry, Rebeckah Aden is not going to get with another girl because everyone else thinks he's an immature little chimp.
Rebeckah shouldn't be allowed to stir shit about Anton again! Does Tom even like Rebeckah? I think he hates her guts! Bring Rebeckah back in, she's magic as a housemate. I liked Tom with his little dungarees.
At least Faye knows Aaron didn't nominate her now. I love watching them squirm when they show the nominations. Anton was doing mega crab eyes. He actually looked surprised that someone nominated him.
Aaron didn't seem to react to her nominating him. But I think he's going to sit on it and make her suffer. I can see his downward spiral getting it's freak on.
Faye got a LOT of nominations. So now her and Jem are thick as thieves again? Fucking hell, she flip flops more than Nemo trying to get back to the ocean.
How the fuck can Faye sit there and moan about Harry when SHE NOMINATED AARON? She is the biggest hypocrite on the planet. What about what YOU DID, Faye?
Harry and Aaron doing veiled noms chat again! Are they ever gonna get a tell off for that?
I think Big Brother is a bit naughty trying to force Jay and Louise to have sex, especially as she doesn't want to.
Aaron's body language when Faye tried to give him a hug was very telling. All she goes on about is 'me'- 'I feel weird... this has ruined my night.' Can you IMAGINE if Aaron had nominated her? Just imagine it for a minute. Not pretty, is it?
Why doesn't she stop and think about WHY people nominated her. Why doesn't she listen to the reasons?
Are we going to have more lizard tongues now? This flatulence talk is soooo sexy. I HATE silk sheets. We got silky sheets once and they were gross, cold and shiny and I used to slide into to bedside table all the time and knock my glass of water over.
My boyfriend just said 'how long before Jem puts Faye up?'
Spoonies! Talk about doing BB's dirty work for them.