Well, hello there. Who's gonna get it this week? Jim or Glenn, I hope. Ah, this week they're dealing with OPR (other people's rubbish). I'm sure Melody will lap this up. I can't imagine Orlando doing manual labour. I reckon Zoe could kick a bit of arse, though. I notice Jim's not volunteering this week. I wonder why (TARGET)?!
LOL to them trying to steal someone's BBQ as 'rubbish'. Being stuck in a car with Melody and NatashA-I'd take my chances in the back of the bin lorry.
This task lacks the glamour of previous weeks. What are they going to do next time; make them go work in an abattoir? I could see them ruthlessly trying to mark up offaland sell it as gourmet.
Whether Suzie is being dense or not, Zoe is talking to her like she's a piece of shit. I can't work out what's going on in this task. Does that mean she can come round to my house and talk to me like I'm a particularly slow child?
Boo to the sexist scrap merchant telling the women to 'go down the hairdressers'.
I like seeing them doing menial tasks because it shows who's not afraid to get their hands dirty.
I don't want Tom's team to lose again! Melody talks like that voice you hear when you send a text message to a landline. She has just less than that amount of warmth and humanity.
Yay, Tom's team won! Praise the Lord.
Why does Glenn hate Edna so much? She seemed to be pulling her weight in the task. And why is Zoe up Glenn's arse? Because they are both equally cunty. Don't think I didn't notice him saying, 'I'm not being funny, but...' earlier. I DID.
Ah, more women brought back into the boardroom! Suzie is such a whiny baby, I'm sick of her.
Ah, Edna went. I didn't mind Edna. I liked her psychobabble. Her resooomay was impressive, honest, Lord Sugar. She told CEOs what to do.
NB. People who say 'work hard, play hard.' Don't.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Boobs, bums and botox
You might be surprised to learn that this po-faced feminist worked at a plastic surgery clinic for just under a year about six or seven years ago (I won't say which one, and then I wont get sued!). It was a funny time in my life, as I kind of gave up on writing a bit and decided to train to be a counsellor whilst working four days a week as a bookings co-ordinator. I dropped out of my counselling diploma when I realised I couldn't even own up to my own myriad of problems, let alone deal with other peoples. The main thing I remember then saying to me is, 'why do you always hide being that notebook?' The writing was on the wall.
Plastic surgery was a means to an end, but an interesting ride. I enjoyed seeing people come in and go out bruised, and the receptionist there, who was absolutely lovely, had taken full advantage of all the 'freebies'. She had the botox, the lips, the boobs. Yeah, I could have had free plastic surgery. But I didn't!
This programme starts with boobs being manhandled on an operating table, a sight I could see any time I wanted. We worked in a small 6-bed hospital, and I was allowed to watch the boob jobs, in fact on my first day I was taken into theatre and saw a women on a slab like a piece of meat. I'm anti surgery anyway, but that would put you off for life. My colleague went to watch a tummy tuck one day. I refused.
What those few months taught me is that plastic surgery is just about selling a product. They sell, sell, sell and then every morning, they do the 'redos'. Not happy with your face? Come in and we'll fix it. Not what you wanted? We'll give you a freebie. You're not a person- you're putty. And the surgeons have a complete God complex.
My job was to take phonecalls and keep track of the breast implants, lap bands and stomach balloons. The death rate of people dying from gastric band surgery is very high, but I think they readily admit that. By the time you get that big, you're desperate. I'm glad I didn't have to sell the surgery. Well, I wouldn't have been able to. I've never been a salesperson, and I wouldn't encourage someone to mutilate themselves for money. Even I have some standards. I get the feeling Robert Webb (narrating this programme) would be less picky.
Ha, 80% of the staff have had treatments! I'm not at all surprised. Thank god I got out when I did!
So some guy called 'Magoo' who smokes 50 a day is having botox. The surgeon looks permanently surprised. Why do people like the botox look, it's gross! It's revolting to not be able to smile or frown. What are we, robots?
What industry is Magoo in, I wonder? I think he's either a used-car salesman or a TV psychic. There is something particularly odious about men having it. Women have been subjugated for years by the beauty industry. You'd have thought men would have considered themselves lucky to be out of it, not keen to jump on board.
With the hair transplants, I think men need to act whilst they've still got some, if you go from bald to Bon Jovi overnight, people are going to smell a rat. Just look at Brian Molko.
I know some of these surgeons, no names mentioned. One used to shout at me quite a lot. I used to have to make him a cup of tea and he'd get mad. These surgenus are like celebs doing the circuit. Why are they called Mr and not Dr, you might ask? There was a reason for that, but I can't remember it. Still, it's a bit fishy, innit?
I hate the thought of 19-year-old girls mutilating themselves. They should be forced to read 'The Beauty Myth' by Naomi Wolf before they sign the consent form.
Ugh I just saw someone chiselling someone's nose off. OMG! Gross. I just looked up at a BAD moment.
Hmm, they did have a bit of a dig at Transform at the end. A loyalty card? Oh dear. What if you die of gastric band surgery? Can your family get a facelift with your points? It's a slippery slope, isn't it?
I don't miss the plastic surgery business. But it was a fun ride. You just need to know when to get off.
Plastic surgery was a means to an end, but an interesting ride. I enjoyed seeing people come in and go out bruised, and the receptionist there, who was absolutely lovely, had taken full advantage of all the 'freebies'. She had the botox, the lips, the boobs. Yeah, I could have had free plastic surgery. But I didn't!
This programme starts with boobs being manhandled on an operating table, a sight I could see any time I wanted. We worked in a small 6-bed hospital, and I was allowed to watch the boob jobs, in fact on my first day I was taken into theatre and saw a women on a slab like a piece of meat. I'm anti surgery anyway, but that would put you off for life. My colleague went to watch a tummy tuck one day. I refused.
What those few months taught me is that plastic surgery is just about selling a product. They sell, sell, sell and then every morning, they do the 'redos'. Not happy with your face? Come in and we'll fix it. Not what you wanted? We'll give you a freebie. You're not a person- you're putty. And the surgeons have a complete God complex.
My job was to take phonecalls and keep track of the breast implants, lap bands and stomach balloons. The death rate of people dying from gastric band surgery is very high, but I think they readily admit that. By the time you get that big, you're desperate. I'm glad I didn't have to sell the surgery. Well, I wouldn't have been able to. I've never been a salesperson, and I wouldn't encourage someone to mutilate themselves for money. Even I have some standards. I get the feeling Robert Webb (narrating this programme) would be less picky.
Ha, 80% of the staff have had treatments! I'm not at all surprised. Thank god I got out when I did!
So some guy called 'Magoo' who smokes 50 a day is having botox. The surgeon looks permanently surprised. Why do people like the botox look, it's gross! It's revolting to not be able to smile or frown. What are we, robots?
What industry is Magoo in, I wonder? I think he's either a used-car salesman or a TV psychic. There is something particularly odious about men having it. Women have been subjugated for years by the beauty industry. You'd have thought men would have considered themselves lucky to be out of it, not keen to jump on board.
With the hair transplants, I think men need to act whilst they've still got some, if you go from bald to Bon Jovi overnight, people are going to smell a rat. Just look at Brian Molko.
I know some of these surgeons, no names mentioned. One used to shout at me quite a lot. I used to have to make him a cup of tea and he'd get mad. These surgenus are like celebs doing the circuit. Why are they called Mr and not Dr, you might ask? There was a reason for that, but I can't remember it. Still, it's a bit fishy, innit?
I hate the thought of 19-year-old girls mutilating themselves. They should be forced to read 'The Beauty Myth' by Naomi Wolf before they sign the consent form.
Ugh I just saw someone chiselling someone's nose off. OMG! Gross. I just looked up at a BAD moment.
Hmm, they did have a bit of a dig at Transform at the end. A loyalty card? Oh dear. What if you die of gastric band surgery? Can your family get a facelift with your points? It's a slippery slope, isn't it?
I don't miss the plastic surgery business. But it was a fun ride. You just need to know when to get off.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
The Apprentice: Every dog has it's day
Pet food task! The tasks seem to have been a lot better this year than last year, a bit more fun and quirky than selling sausages, anyway. Oh hold on, didn't they do that first episode?
Is Vincent team leader? Yays. His team is 'doing dogs'. The team leader 'doing cats' just called himself a 'catalyst'. Sounds rude. I want the cats team to win! Cats rule.
They've called the dog food Every Dog. Zzzzz.
I love seeing people in suits trying to be creative. Blue sky wanking! I wonder if Alan is going to say 'this has been a catastrophe' or 'this dog has had it's day'. Place your bets now! Bet bet bet. Ah, someone just made a dog's dinner joke. This is too easy.
Uh oh, the team leader Glenn just went against the focus group. You're going home! Oh well, all the better to beat you over the head with in the boardroom. He just messed up the whole task because he likes some stupid pun. No cat is going to eat diet cat food. He must be mad.
LOl to Orlando calling the sphinx cat a chicken. Rude! It looks more like a ball bag.
Ugh 'cats eyes see their light' is the strap line. I love the fact half his team are laughing at him. OMG that Glenn is the ultimate tool. I like the fact Zoe told him whereto stick it.
Melody gave her pitch like a robot. Although Orlando said 'y'know' about a million times at least he seemed friendly and casual. He did look a bit embarrassed by the product.
Let's just send Glenn home and be done with it! Ah, here we go. Lordy just made a 'Winalot' joke. OMG I can't believe Glenn's team won! Don't let this be the end of Vincent. NOOOOOOOO! I guess Jim has been set up for the fall as he thought of the rubbish name.
Tom's on the losing team again... sob! OMG Vincent didn't bring Jim back! He could end up going home for that. Jim, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. Alan's got your card marked! Scary.
Vincent bottled it. Bringing the girls back is too easy. They didn't do anything bad. Vincent is tying himself in knots here. Is he in love with Jim? Are they having Brokeback times back at the mansion?
I'm shocked Alan kept Vincent, it's definitely just for TV.
LOL I take it all back! That was a killer end. But I could have told you, Vincent,
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
And finally, special mention must go to Glenn, who on seeing Natasha walk back through the door to the house said, 'who's been sacked, Vincent and Ellie?' WELL DONE, GENIUS.
Is Vincent team leader? Yays. His team is 'doing dogs'. The team leader 'doing cats' just called himself a 'catalyst'. Sounds rude. I want the cats team to win! Cats rule.
They've called the dog food Every Dog. Zzzzz.
I love seeing people in suits trying to be creative. Blue sky wanking! I wonder if Alan is going to say 'this has been a catastrophe' or 'this dog has had it's day'. Place your bets now! Bet bet bet. Ah, someone just made a dog's dinner joke. This is too easy.
Uh oh, the team leader Glenn just went against the focus group. You're going home! Oh well, all the better to beat you over the head with in the boardroom. He just messed up the whole task because he likes some stupid pun. No cat is going to eat diet cat food. He must be mad.
LOl to Orlando calling the sphinx cat a chicken. Rude! It looks more like a ball bag.
Ugh 'cats eyes see their light' is the strap line. I love the fact half his team are laughing at him. OMG that Glenn is the ultimate tool. I like the fact Zoe told him whereto stick it.
Melody gave her pitch like a robot. Although Orlando said 'y'know' about a million times at least he seemed friendly and casual. He did look a bit embarrassed by the product.
Let's just send Glenn home and be done with it! Ah, here we go. Lordy just made a 'Winalot' joke. OMG I can't believe Glenn's team won! Don't let this be the end of Vincent. NOOOOOOOO! I guess Jim has been set up for the fall as he thought of the rubbish name.
Tom's on the losing team again... sob! OMG Vincent didn't bring Jim back! He could end up going home for that. Jim, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. Alan's got your card marked! Scary.
Vincent bottled it. Bringing the girls back is too easy. They didn't do anything bad. Vincent is tying himself in knots here. Is he in love with Jim? Are they having Brokeback times back at the mansion?
I'm shocked Alan kept Vincent, it's definitely just for TV.
LOL I take it all back! That was a killer end. But I could have told you, Vincent,
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
And finally, special mention must go to Glenn, who on seeing Natasha walk back through the door to the house said, 'who's been sacked, Vincent and Ellie?' WELL DONE, GENIUS.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
The Apprentice: lastminute.cunt
Beauty salon task. In Birmingham. Is Birmingham the grimmest place in Britain? It can't be far off. We used to go clubbing there very occasionally when we lived in Northampton. Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place.
LOL to the 'clip-in winge'. Looked delightful! Orlando got volunteered to put makeup on and he looked THRILLED. He's got a GIRLFRIEND. Next you'll be insinuating he's GAY. And then he said 'spray tanning women is part of the task' looking beleaguered. Pussy-whipped or what (I can use this in a non-sexist way in my own blog- ha!)
I love the inventor guy! He's lush. I don't want Alan to shout at him. Be gentle.
I kind of like those big bows made out of fake hair they're selling. I don't if I can carry that shit off these days. I'm nearly 31!
I don't personally like beauty treatments when provided by qualified professionals, let alone by Apprentice contestants. Spas freak me out. I can't relax in that situation, it makes me want to go mentals. And if someone touched my feet I'd kick them in the face. DO NOT TOUCH THE FEET. Feet should be not seen and not heard and definitely not touched.
Love Tom not being able to remember the name of Lady Gaga! STFU Nick. Go suck on your Lord-Sugar-lemon-pop elsewhere. Karren Brady is also practising her best perturbed look. I wonder how much she gets paid for that kind of genius.
I like it when Suzy goes 'it's so unfair'. I'm surprised she doesn't stomp off to her bedroom and put Marilyn Manson on. She's getting set up to take the fall before they've even failed the task! Team Pessimist!
I liked Alan's joke about Vincent having the spray tan! I don't really like either of these girl team leaders, but the blonde one is preferable. I'm nervous my inventor is going to go now.
It's not the greasy spoon's fault you keep losing, Vincent.
OMG! that person I've never seen before who described something as 'lastminute.com' is my new most hated! UGH. I hate society.
Aw to the blonde team leader going all red and rashy. I'd go red and rashy in that situation, too. DON'T TAKE TOM IN. I heart Tom. Yeah, Natasha! She of the 'lastminute.com' EFFRONTERY.
Who really cares who goes out of this lot? Tom is safe. Vincent is safe! Rejoice.
I just worked out what the blonde one is called; Felicity. I don't want her to go. The other two are way more annoying. Oh, Felicity went. Just as I learnt her name! Dammit.
PS: It's lame they didn't say goodbye to her. That's nothing to be proud of. Didn't your mum teach you any manners? GOOD NIGHT.
LOL to the 'clip-in winge'. Looked delightful! Orlando got volunteered to put makeup on and he looked THRILLED. He's got a GIRLFRIEND. Next you'll be insinuating he's GAY. And then he said 'spray tanning women is part of the task' looking beleaguered. Pussy-whipped or what (I can use this in a non-sexist way in my own blog- ha!)
I love the inventor guy! He's lush. I don't want Alan to shout at him. Be gentle.
I kind of like those big bows made out of fake hair they're selling. I don't if I can carry that shit off these days. I'm nearly 31!
I don't personally like beauty treatments when provided by qualified professionals, let alone by Apprentice contestants. Spas freak me out. I can't relax in that situation, it makes me want to go mentals. And if someone touched my feet I'd kick them in the face. DO NOT TOUCH THE FEET. Feet should be not seen and not heard and definitely not touched.
Love Tom not being able to remember the name of Lady Gaga! STFU Nick. Go suck on your Lord-Sugar-lemon-pop elsewhere. Karren Brady is also practising her best perturbed look. I wonder how much she gets paid for that kind of genius.
I like it when Suzy goes 'it's so unfair'. I'm surprised she doesn't stomp off to her bedroom and put Marilyn Manson on. She's getting set up to take the fall before they've even failed the task! Team Pessimist!
I liked Alan's joke about Vincent having the spray tan! I don't really like either of these girl team leaders, but the blonde one is preferable. I'm nervous my inventor is going to go now.
It's not the greasy spoon's fault you keep losing, Vincent.
OMG! that person I've never seen before who described something as 'lastminute.com' is my new most hated! UGH. I hate society.
Aw to the blonde team leader going all red and rashy. I'd go red and rashy in that situation, too. DON'T TAKE TOM IN. I heart Tom. Yeah, Natasha! She of the 'lastminute.com' EFFRONTERY.
Who really cares who goes out of this lot? Tom is safe. Vincent is safe! Rejoice.
I just worked out what the blonde one is called; Felicity. I don't want her to go. The other two are way more annoying. Oh, Felicity went. Just as I learnt her name! Dammit.
PS: It's lame they didn't say goodbye to her. That's nothing to be proud of. Didn't your mum teach you any manners? GOOD NIGHT.
Monday, 23 May 2011
There's something about Josie: If you can't hack it, get your jacket
Quick, pass the heroin. It's time to delve my foot into the murky pool of 'one of Britain's best loved celebrity couples.' Yeah, I love Josie and Crab Eyes marginally more than Wayne and Coleen Rooney, but slightly less than that thing off TOWIE and Jack Tweed's less articulate friend (I've never seen TOWIE so this may or may not be accurate).
Josie is designing clothes for overweight people. I hope it's not more of those horrendously unflattering maxi dresses she always wears.
BORING. Bring on the c-words!
Ah, here we go. Crabby is packing up a suitcase full of pleather jackets and guyliner. Josie should go back to Bristol and be happy. They'll find her hanging from the rafters of that disgusting flat if she carries on like this.
John James is doing a whole 'poor me' act, skulking in the corner behind a cardboard box. I always thought John James's highlights were gross. But his brown hair is even worse.
Ah, the infamous OK splitting up interview. I read the whole thing in Sainsburys (fuck you, OK, I'm not paying for your made up headlines!) and it was pure car crash, so can't wait to see it on TV, too. Imagine breaking up with not just a journalist in the room, but a TV crew as well. Shouldn't some things be done privately? I wonder what John 'I'm getting angry now!' James would have thought of a couple who did that sort of thing when he was ensconced in the BB house. Well, I've got an idea. I'd like to strangle him with that Topman scarf, cobber.
Ooh, The Decks got a mention! They should stay together for the sake of those decks. Think of the children!
Josie's hair looked nice when they were out for dinner. John James might as well have already been in Oz for the attention he gave her.
JJ! Can you fuck off out of Josie's house now, you fucking leech?
I hate the way John James is leaving just to punish her. It's really cruel. Does he take one bit of responsibility for the way he's treated her? Just admit you DON'T LOVE HER. Show her that bit of decency. He looks like such a knob in that hat, an' all.
Him saying 'you can't just walk away' in the airport is a bit rich when he's getting on a plane to Australia. This is actually quite upsetting. I guess she never saw him again after that. He shouldn't have done that to her; it's a cowardly way to dump someone.
The way he goes on reminds me a lot of someone I used to go out with, and those kind of mind games can really break you. Josie might shout a bit but she's pretty straight up. What you see is what you get (cliche intended).
Even that house Josie went to look at in Bristol was gross. I hate new build houses, they're like giant council houses. Aw I feel sorry for her planning for him to come back when he had no intention of doing that. Well, even if he had come back, they'd have just argued their way through those grotesque overgrown council houses.
Ugh this had gone really boring again now Crabby's gone.
Josie's mum seemed drunk. Why is John James wearing Josie's necklace?! Re. her mum's advice: fuck me, I'd rather be John James's emotional punchbag than go out with Olly Murs.
Her hair looked better when it was straight, before he curled it. Tongs should be banned. Why do they always style Josie with her arms out?! I've got fat arms and guess what, I don't get them out. You can cover yourself up and look really good. I'm the master of covering up my bad bits lately, cos there's so many of them! I suppose it's good she's not bothered, but I just think she could look really good with the right help. I feel like they're setting her up to look a bit stupid at times. Like 'well you're not anorexic so we're going to make you look a frump'. Put her in a baggy top and some skinny jeans and she'd look cool.
I liked Josie's attitude in the interviews afterwards, she seemed pretty strong. I think Josie is a good example to women to lose controlling boyfriends and get on with your life. It's just most of us don't have another continent to send them to.
So is that the end of the series? If not, it should be! I can't do these celeb reality shows. I need strangers. I need vetos. I need live feed.
PS. Don't ever put JJ on my screen again, please. Stick him back down the obscurity pipe.
PPS. She sold his decks on ebay. LOL!
Josie is designing clothes for overweight people. I hope it's not more of those horrendously unflattering maxi dresses she always wears.
BORING. Bring on the c-words!
Ah, here we go. Crabby is packing up a suitcase full of pleather jackets and guyliner. Josie should go back to Bristol and be happy. They'll find her hanging from the rafters of that disgusting flat if she carries on like this.
John James is doing a whole 'poor me' act, skulking in the corner behind a cardboard box. I always thought John James's highlights were gross. But his brown hair is even worse.
Ah, the infamous OK splitting up interview. I read the whole thing in Sainsburys (fuck you, OK, I'm not paying for your made up headlines!) and it was pure car crash, so can't wait to see it on TV, too. Imagine breaking up with not just a journalist in the room, but a TV crew as well. Shouldn't some things be done privately? I wonder what John 'I'm getting angry now!' James would have thought of a couple who did that sort of thing when he was ensconced in the BB house. Well, I've got an idea. I'd like to strangle him with that Topman scarf, cobber.
Ooh, The Decks got a mention! They should stay together for the sake of those decks. Think of the children!
Josie's hair looked nice when they were out for dinner. John James might as well have already been in Oz for the attention he gave her.
JJ! Can you fuck off out of Josie's house now, you fucking leech?
I hate the way John James is leaving just to punish her. It's really cruel. Does he take one bit of responsibility for the way he's treated her? Just admit you DON'T LOVE HER. Show her that bit of decency. He looks like such a knob in that hat, an' all.
Him saying 'you can't just walk away' in the airport is a bit rich when he's getting on a plane to Australia. This is actually quite upsetting. I guess she never saw him again after that. He shouldn't have done that to her; it's a cowardly way to dump someone.
The way he goes on reminds me a lot of someone I used to go out with, and those kind of mind games can really break you. Josie might shout a bit but she's pretty straight up. What you see is what you get (cliche intended).
Even that house Josie went to look at in Bristol was gross. I hate new build houses, they're like giant council houses. Aw I feel sorry for her planning for him to come back when he had no intention of doing that. Well, even if he had come back, they'd have just argued their way through those grotesque overgrown council houses.
Ugh this had gone really boring again now Crabby's gone.
Josie's mum seemed drunk. Why is John James wearing Josie's necklace?! Re. her mum's advice: fuck me, I'd rather be John James's emotional punchbag than go out with Olly Murs.
Her hair looked better when it was straight, before he curled it. Tongs should be banned. Why do they always style Josie with her arms out?! I've got fat arms and guess what, I don't get them out. You can cover yourself up and look really good. I'm the master of covering up my bad bits lately, cos there's so many of them! I suppose it's good she's not bothered, but I just think she could look really good with the right help. I feel like they're setting her up to look a bit stupid at times. Like 'well you're not anorexic so we're going to make you look a frump'. Put her in a baggy top and some skinny jeans and she'd look cool.
I liked Josie's attitude in the interviews afterwards, she seemed pretty strong. I think Josie is a good example to women to lose controlling boyfriends and get on with your life. It's just most of us don't have another continent to send them to.
So is that the end of the series? If not, it should be! I can't do these celeb reality shows. I need strangers. I need vetos. I need live feed.
PS. Don't ever put JJ on my screen again, please. Stick him back down the obscurity pipe.
PPS. She sold his decks on ebay. LOL!
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
The Apprentice: I'm tired.
I'm actually enjoying The Apprentice more this year, it seems a bit tighter. However, I'm not enjoying blogging tonight because I feel deathly. I'm going nodwards the second this finishes.
So they've got to buy stuff for the Savoy hotel. Suzy is project manager. Uh oh.
Gavin (on team Logic) is so severe! He scares me.
I know what a cloche is, because I've watched a squillion Big Brothers and I'm a Celebs. It's what they stick the manky food under. (Get the meat!) I can't believe not one of them knows.
Top hats cost nearly £400. Wow. Gavin is struggling under pressure. I like Vincent, he's a buffoon. Natasha was coming off pushy and desperate. I hate the hard sell!
Wow, saving a penny! They are really hardnosed business people.
Top hat dry cleaners! Brilliant. That's like going to AAAardvark taxis and asking if the sell aardvarks. These people are morons.
Vincent taking the phone off Ellie was a bit rude. Three-ply loo roll? Well la-di-da.
OMG Suzy's team won by £8! Every penny does count after all. I'd be surprised if Gavin didn't go home.
I've never even seen that dowdy blonde girl speak before! I still don't recognise about 30% of these people- is that normal?
I hope they don't boot Vincent, he's like the last comedy character left. Ah it's a shame Gavin went, even though he scared me. There was something a bit sexy about those glasses.
ps. Sorry for my bad blogz. Poorly.
So they've got to buy stuff for the Savoy hotel. Suzy is project manager. Uh oh.
Gavin (on team Logic) is so severe! He scares me.
I know what a cloche is, because I've watched a squillion Big Brothers and I'm a Celebs. It's what they stick the manky food under. (Get the meat!) I can't believe not one of them knows.
Top hats cost nearly £400. Wow. Gavin is struggling under pressure. I like Vincent, he's a buffoon. Natasha was coming off pushy and desperate. I hate the hard sell!
Wow, saving a penny! They are really hardnosed business people.
Top hat dry cleaners! Brilliant. That's like going to AAAardvark taxis and asking if the sell aardvarks. These people are morons.
Vincent taking the phone off Ellie was a bit rude. Three-ply loo roll? Well la-di-da.
OMG Suzy's team won by £8! Every penny does count after all. I'd be surprised if Gavin didn't go home.
I've never even seen that dowdy blonde girl speak before! I still don't recognise about 30% of these people- is that normal?
I hope they don't boot Vincent, he's like the last comedy character left. Ah it's a shame Gavin went, even though he scared me. There was something a bit sexy about those glasses.
ps. Sorry for my bad blogz. Poorly.
The British Soap Awards 2011
Time is flying. It seems about ten seconds since I last blogged these fuckers. And what a year it's been for soap. Hasn't Eastenders been amazing? Oh...
Admittedly the tram crash was good in Corrie, but on the whole, I don't think Corrie has been that great this year. I miss Blanche and the humour has given way for grotesque product placement. Like my boyf said, I'd rather they just show the packet than have them going 'Let's go to ALTON TOWERS! Let's stop at MCDONALDS on the way!' It's tawdry.
Tony Gordon! Give his eye an award for best actor. He is SADLY missed. Ooh, Syed looks dreamy.
McFly are giving an award to sexiest female. One of the nominees is Zoe Lucker (Vanessa). Are we that hard up? Tania is about 500 times better looking. Roxy aint even bothered to show up. Tina from Corrie won. She's dressed in gold foil. Tasty. She just looks like a good-looking girl next door to me. She dedicated the award to her mum and dad, presumably for giving her the genes.
Sexiest (I nearly wrote sexist- habit) male next. Sugababes are presenting, well the current heads. Keith Duffy! VILE. Duckworth spawn?! Vile. Maria's wife beater boyfriend? Gross. SYED! Jack Branning. Christian. Syed for the win, please. He's lovely.
Duckworth spawn looks mega sleazy. His low neck JLS-style t-shirts should be banned. OMG Syed wasn't even in the top four! WTF. Nor Christian! Homophobes. David Cameron probably banned it. Ah, Jack just made the genes joke. Nice white jacket. Very Manuel.
Best young performance (ie. most precocious child). Obviously Simon from Corrie must win. Simon did win! LOL. Aw Peter Barlow carried him up. Cute.
Most spectacular scene (ie. biggest explosion) must go to the tram crash. The Eastenders pub fire was farcical. Especially Phil's crackting. Why did the tram make a noise like Godzilla when it came off the tracks? Mentals. I should think it did win after all the £££ they spent on it.
Villain of the year. John Stape! He murders people but he's still not very scary. Lucas! Hell no. Hollyoaks is probably going to win this one.
Tracey aint bothered showing up, either. Not sure who won this, someone from Something I Don't Watch.
Best on-screen partnership. No Steve and Becky? Oh no, there they are. I think Kat and Alfie have a horrible relationship. She treats him like crap. What's she wearing?!
Best newcomer: Fatboy?! He's been in it for years! They are scraping the barrel. Dude from Hollyoaks won it, ffs. He must be good, he won the Villain, too.
Lifetime achievement. Ugh. What old relic's arse are we gonna kiss now? Oh, Jack Duckworth. I hate Jack and I hate Vera. He aint even bothered to show! Aw, Tyrone flew out to give him the award. That was kind of cute.
Best actor. Peter Barlow. Kevin Webster?! Masood! Phil. Shane Richie- ugh. Yeah give it to Peter Barlow! Hmm, they gave it to someone in Emmerdale, yo.
Best comedy performance. Auntie Kim. Mary from Corrie. Are you sure this isn't the annoying award? Paddy McGuiness actually made a funny joke. Where's Tamwar? Norris?
Mary won. I can't stand her character. She's not rooted in reality at all.
Best storyline went to Kevin/Mollygate. Hardly!
Best actress. Carol from Eastenders?! Oh fucking spare me. Zainab?! Ugh. Give it to Becky! Kay won. Why isn't Ronnie nominated for anything? She did all that staring into middle distance SO well.
Ugh, I can't be fucked to watch this anymore. I'm gonna go watch The Apprentice. Eastenders win best soap, right? Like they always do. UNDESERVEDLY. Arseholes.
PS. Best musical score? PEGGY'S THEME.
Admittedly the tram crash was good in Corrie, but on the whole, I don't think Corrie has been that great this year. I miss Blanche and the humour has given way for grotesque product placement. Like my boyf said, I'd rather they just show the packet than have them going 'Let's go to ALTON TOWERS! Let's stop at MCDONALDS on the way!' It's tawdry.
Tony Gordon! Give his eye an award for best actor. He is SADLY missed. Ooh, Syed looks dreamy.
McFly are giving an award to sexiest female. One of the nominees is Zoe Lucker (Vanessa). Are we that hard up? Tania is about 500 times better looking. Roxy aint even bothered to show up. Tina from Corrie won. She's dressed in gold foil. Tasty. She just looks like a good-looking girl next door to me. She dedicated the award to her mum and dad, presumably for giving her the genes.
Sexiest (I nearly wrote sexist- habit) male next. Sugababes are presenting, well the current heads. Keith Duffy! VILE. Duckworth spawn?! Vile. Maria's wife beater boyfriend? Gross. SYED! Jack Branning. Christian. Syed for the win, please. He's lovely.
Duckworth spawn looks mega sleazy. His low neck JLS-style t-shirts should be banned. OMG Syed wasn't even in the top four! WTF. Nor Christian! Homophobes. David Cameron probably banned it. Ah, Jack just made the genes joke. Nice white jacket. Very Manuel.
Best young performance (ie. most precocious child). Obviously Simon from Corrie must win. Simon did win! LOL. Aw Peter Barlow carried him up. Cute.
Most spectacular scene (ie. biggest explosion) must go to the tram crash. The Eastenders pub fire was farcical. Especially Phil's crackting. Why did the tram make a noise like Godzilla when it came off the tracks? Mentals. I should think it did win after all the £££ they spent on it.
Villain of the year. John Stape! He murders people but he's still not very scary. Lucas! Hell no. Hollyoaks is probably going to win this one.
Tracey aint bothered showing up, either. Not sure who won this, someone from Something I Don't Watch.
Best on-screen partnership. No Steve and Becky? Oh no, there they are. I think Kat and Alfie have a horrible relationship. She treats him like crap. What's she wearing?!
Best newcomer: Fatboy?! He's been in it for years! They are scraping the barrel. Dude from Hollyoaks won it, ffs. He must be good, he won the Villain, too.
Lifetime achievement. Ugh. What old relic's arse are we gonna kiss now? Oh, Jack Duckworth. I hate Jack and I hate Vera. He aint even bothered to show! Aw, Tyrone flew out to give him the award. That was kind of cute.
Best actor. Peter Barlow. Kevin Webster?! Masood! Phil. Shane Richie- ugh. Yeah give it to Peter Barlow! Hmm, they gave it to someone in Emmerdale, yo.
Best comedy performance. Auntie Kim. Mary from Corrie. Are you sure this isn't the annoying award? Paddy McGuiness actually made a funny joke. Where's Tamwar? Norris?
Mary won. I can't stand her character. She's not rooted in reality at all.
Best storyline went to Kevin/Mollygate. Hardly!
Best actress. Carol from Eastenders?! Oh fucking spare me. Zainab?! Ugh. Give it to Becky! Kay won. Why isn't Ronnie nominated for anything? She did all that staring into middle distance SO well.
Ugh, I can't be fucked to watch this anymore. I'm gonna go watch The Apprentice. Eastenders win best soap, right? Like they always do. UNDESERVEDLY. Arseholes.
PS. Best musical score? PEGGY'S THEME.
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