Big Brother UK 2016: Pussy come, pussy go

Eek or creep? Creekp.

What is it, the others special today? Andrew wants to get 'in the big house'. Isn't the big house traditionally prison (thanks, Jim McDonald).
Ryan: 'I've come in here to be one of the main characters but I'm living in a shed at the side of Big Brother.' Weeeellll. I think Ryan thinks he's diary room gold when actually he's diary room astro-turf vomit. Pauline has whipped a politician. I find her so fucking boring I can't even be bothered to Google who.
Sad to hear Lateysha describe herself as a wart(hog). She's lovely. Is Georgina calling herself fat too (piglet?) Tragic.
I thought Jackson wasn't going to crack onto girls *proceeds to crack onto Laura*. But is still cuddling Sam. He goes on about 'pussy' (which should be pronounced pusssssseeeeeehhhh) all the time, yet claims he's 'anti man.' I can't work him out. Any clues? I don't think he's actually seen a pussy. It doesn't go on a pedestal. It's not like the inside of an apple. I think he's a cock man.
The others are watching the housemates. They hate everyone (except Andy - yawn). The others: 'We're much better than that.' You're not. You're MUCH worse, and that's saying something.
Was Sam not suspicious when Big Brother asked him in detail about his ex Ryan? I mean come on, even that thick twat must have smelt a rat.
Oooh, Jane knows Chelsea but won't say how. He blows ten grand in one night. Amateur. See how she kept quiet about knowing him! OMG gamer. Nice one. See the way she behaved compared to Ryan? Very, very interesting. She has gone up in my estimation greatly.
Hughie: 'I'm going to destroy Lateysha' for no reason.
Ryan didn't react too well to seeing Sam, did he, lol. 'I'm foaming at the mouth.' Shame it's not because you've just swallowed a pint full of arsenic.
Is Ryan allowed to say 'I'll set about' someone? I really want to punch this guy. I want to actually kill him.
Jane is confessing she knows Chelsea but they fell out. I wonder what they fell out about? I like the fact they have these older people in here, even though they're a bit peculiar. Or maybe because they are.
Alien talk. No one can top Tila Tequila for this shit. Believing in aliens is like saying you watch TV or breathe. Everyone believes in aliens. Even my mum.
Hughie may be the thickest person who has EVER been on Big Brother. Like EVER. He's completely gormless. Has anyone checked he's breathing?
Oh no, the others don't want to target their exes cos they want to confront them. I want their exes out. And them. Pretty much everyone, really.
WTF is the 'Tree of Sins'? The Tree of Temptation will be fuming. Although he's probably on landfill somewhere since they turned him into the 'chest of complaints' or whatever the fuck it was. Oh it's a shitstir task. I can't follow what's going on cos there's too many people in the house, what with the people watching (the others, there aren't any viewers watching, let's face it) and everything. There's just people and a task and I can't make head nor tail of it. What were the answers in the end, even? I'm lost.
They all hate Evelyn because she's beautiful. Who did Hughie call slaggy? I'd rather be slaggy than be a human flytrap.
I like seeing Ryan getting so upset, but he has a point about Sam looking old. Ryan is so, so horrible. I think he might be the worst person ever invented.
The twins 'believe they're aliens from out of space.' Yeah, course they do. 'Former alien.' Former housemate would be preferable.
Who is the guy hosting this comp? I don't even recognise him. It's jean rips, isn't it? Jackson has slept with 300 'people'. So there's hope for us all. That's reassuring.
I don't buy for a second all these people 'conveniently' talking about their exes. Also, it's quite boring. I'd rather just see people get to know each other naturally. I know it's too much to ask. Normal conversations. People making tea, messing around. Instead we get all this bullshit.
Charlie is upset that Jason has stolen her 'limelight.' He looks like a sausage and she looks like Sarah Harding down the crackhouse. I don't care about their relationship/non relationship. Charlie is 31? And she uses botox? Not a good advert for it. Crap people, crap characters, waste of airtime.
Laura must be fucking desperate to be Marco's 'hall pass'. He's ENGAGED. Don't get me wrong, he's the fucking pig. But she is TRAGIC. He is a pervert.
Laura: 'I'd definitely fuck Marco. No, I'd want him to fuck me really hard.' You are grim city. Hold on, I think I said a similar thing about Marco on Twitter on launch night, bhahahaha. Weeeeellll. It's still grim as fuck, though. It's about as far from Helen and Paul as it's possible to get.
Who does Hugie look more like Elvis or Elton John? Elvton John.
The others are putting Alex up for eviction because 'he seems nice and he won't go.' Haha. OK then. This was Andrew's doing! Poor Alex. Oh hold on, I thought Alex was the gay journalist.  Oh that's Andy. Too many people! I like Andrew's style. Too many 'A' names, though.
Alex then PUT Andy up, so that confused me further. What sort of idiot on the block puts a gay guy up and not a pretty girl? Stoooooooopid.
Also, on what basis did Alex think he was nominated? Pot luck? Lucky dip? This doesn't add up. I still don't get why the others wouldn't nominate the people they HATE! Are they dumb? Oh.
Ryan is ALWAYS MOANING. He's SUCH a ratbag. I know we're meant to hate him but it's really working, I really FUCKING HATE HIM. I need a new word for hate.
Can the main housemates see the spaces on the wall for the others? What is going on? Does anyone know?
Andy is concerned that Marco is invading Laura's vagina (he hand motioned to that area). I don't think she minds. I think Andy is the one who feels uncomfortable. Laura 'hasn't led him on' and would fuck him if she has a few drinks so who's actually bothered? She's 'trying to be polite'. Sad, isn't it? Andy's moral crusade is falling a little flat, save that fake-ass shit for the end game. Let the muggy fools fuck themselves out of the game. Then Andy declared himself a snake when he hugged Marco. Andy is so creepy Chris, it's almost too much. The moralising, the pseudo-intellectualism, the fact he's probably actually be a mate of mine.
Laura didn't really go to the DR to complain about Marco. She said she was still thinking about fucking him.
Man talk in the pod with Marco, Jason and Chelsea (what a stud crowd). Marco is annoyed Laura won't fuck him after two days, even though he has a fiance.
Marco: 'My hands have been everywhere. This is some teasing bullshit. I'm not here to play games.'
Jason: 'We're 24 hours in.'
Marco: 'Then why is she letting my hands wander?' She's being polite, apparently. And that say men and women are equal. Ha. To illustrate the point:
Marco: 'Pussy come, pussy go, it's all the same.' Jason: 'What you've got to remember is pussy is permanantly here at the moment.' Charmed, I'm sure. Is this better or worse than Ash and Marlon's 'slutbucket' files? I think it's worse because Chelsea and Jason are grown men. Marco is a fucking spoilt little kid.
Anyway, how long before Marco goes the full Daley? I give it three days tops. At least he got a warning, I suppose. I can see him doing a Jeremy and trying to check Laura's swimsuit out uninvited. His dad must be proud. All these successful people who work their arses off, get loads of money, and they just produce these children who don't know their arse from their elbow. Instagrammed, vacant, devoid of emotion, coked-up, dull, horny dumbass donkeys. Thick fuckwits. I think I'd rather be poor or sterilised if that's the next generation. And it is.
Anyway, all this is pointless, as no one is getting evicted anyway. Where's the reset button when you need it? Oh, and the vodka.
Podcast tomorrow. I think we've got enough material, right?