Big Brother UK 2016: Auto-erotic as-prick-yxiation

My face while watching tonight's show.

'The undercover mission goes on undetected'. Er... OK then! What about when Marco blew it last night? Have I got amnesia? I know I was drunk, but I definitely recall Marco saying 'I saw Alex through the window.' I mean, I'm glad they showed us it, but don't do that and then start the show by pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining (thank you, Judge Judy).
I haven't blogged the past two nights cos we've podded the ever hotter mess of this show of doom. Last night's show was a glorious spectacle, from Chelsea's inexplicable height rise and thumbs going, to snake gate, to Ryan's meltdown. It was like a really good Corrie episode, when there's no shit storylines.
Emma the twin has 'hectic goosebumps.' Her sister Victoria has gone off to Glastonbury or some shit to hug a tree. I did admire Victoria's stance on meat eating 'opening the fridge to a murdered corpse.' Morrissey says yes. I wonder what BB thinks of Victoria being there alone? Is she a strong enough individual housemate? Does she eat meat? I guess we'll find out.
Sam's neck acne is making me barf.
'Despite the discovery of the other house, the housemates are unaware that Andrew and Ryan are undercover to take them down.' What? I have lost the map, let alone the rule book. HOW exactly are they taking them down?
Andrew: 'It's a game and it needs to be treated like a game. I'm a positive guy.' Mate, you make Darth Vader look like good father material. I think he needs to look up what 'philanthropist' means in the dictionary. I love him though, one of the best Big Brother villains in recent years.
Andy is in the DR having a boo hoo, this is pure creepy Chris except creepy Chris could be amusing. He is tired of being seen as nice, yet he's annoyed the others are upset that two nice guys have gone and does that mean he isn't seen as nice?' Make your mind up, bro.
Andy doesn't want to talk about 'drugs, tripping and fucking girls.' GET OUT. Slagging off Lateysha for not mentioning her daughter! That's a bit below the belt. The BAD MOTHER CARD. The LAST thing I want to hear about is someone's kids. Boring. What does HE want to talk about? WEAK PLAYER. Pious, boring. Pack your bags.
Marco got bullied at school because he was rich and he can't even make an omelette. I hope his dad is hanging his head in shame. Admittedly I can't make an omelette, but my dad isn't an award winning chef. Plus I don't like eggs.
Ryan is crying. Marco: 'You're part of the family, man!' Unlucky.
They are showing the others what went on after the eviction! The original others are laughing! Jane has stomped off while watching the highlights and is missing Chelsea's thumbs aloft and Marco's three minute jaunt to Miami.
Jane seems to have a real problem with Natalie, I wonder what it could be? Trouble riser! Natalie: 'Take him away, talk to the hand.' She is SUPER annoying. The others are AWFUL HUMANS.
Jackson: 'Ryan and Andrew are pricks.' 'They're not pricks.' Jackson: 'Well, acting like pricks.' I don't understand the other house anymore. Can't we just bulldoze it?
Andrew: *gleefully* 'I'm going to be the most hated man in the world.' Ha. He's being sent back into the other house to discuss who to nominate.
Andrew going back in there and barely getting a hug, poor sod. Then going 'I took a bullet, acting like a cunt.' Hahahaha. Brilliant.
Jackson is getting more gangster and Andrew looks weary. 'You're a pussyhole, you're going to get mashed up.' You can't upset Andrew, he doesn't feel emotion, he's like the Terminator.
I love Andrew's matter of fact way of talking in the diary room. He's a dispassionate baddass.
Andrew: 'Ryan is no use to me. I'm not even going to tell Ryan about the task.' I'm literally crying.
Marco's got make up on and is acting the goat. 'Show some respect.' Fuck off, you turd. And don't call me sweetheart. You can tell Georgina hates him. I think I might like her, you know. I know she's missing my man Jackson.
Georgina: 'Marco has the attention span of a spoon.' A spoon is smarter. I liked her calling the Tasmanian devil.
Meanwhile in the pod, Laura is strangling Marco with a belt. Does Big Brother step in? Nope, they let her carry on. Fair dos. Now we know why he always looks like his eyes are popping out of his head. That and his massive coke habit. If they're doing this sort of shit on day four or five, what the fuck are they going to be doing in two weeks? Being evicted, probably.
In the garden Marco is gnawing on Laura's boobs. Is that included in the hall pass? I want someone to see and kick off. These people are fucking animals. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it. What is up with her? Doesn't she realise she's going to be the one demonised, not that that little shit?
Why is Hughie always shouting at someone! What is he even shouting about? I actually feel sorry for Jackson and Alex stuck with these feral others. I hate Hughie. Get him out. Aw, it was cute when the others cheered over the wall.
Natalie: 'Diary room, bitch.' LOL.
I have no idea what is going on in this show anymore. No one has any redeeming features. There's no context for either the sex or the arguments. It's like Big Brother on speed.
Ryan: 'I can't say if there's another house.' Hahahaha. Even these thickos aint that dumb.
Hughie is doing a 'Megan' in the DR but I can't understand what he's saying. 'I will train others how to argue.' WHAT? 'I will take 17 people down.' Eh? Just fuck off, mate.
Then he goes, 'This is the calm before the storm.' If this is the calm before the storm, the storm is going to be some Biblical shit. Grab a life vest!
Car bragging. Chelsea: 'I looked like a cunt with blonde hair, and I look like a cunt with black hair.' Weeeeeellll.
Laura and Marco are just exhibitionists and scum.  Just awful. Marco: 'You're shaven and you can definitely sit on my face tonight.' HOW ROMANTIC. He has his hands down her pants IN THE GARDEN. Go under the covers FFS. 'I just want to spank you and show you who's boss.' Then she goes 'we're just really good mates.' What planet is she on?
Marco: 'I want to fuck you in every room in this house. Like I don't even know you, just fuck you. I want to call you a cunt. Be the first people to do it in the diary room. It would be sick.' Sacrilege!  That did make me laugh, though. I hope they do it in a really sick way. Marco is literally feral. 'Fuck buddies. Done.' Hahaha! He is such a CREEPER. Now they're getting it on in bed and everyone's watching. This makes Steven Goode and Kimberley's antics look demure.
WHAT AM I WATCHING???? Answers on a postcard to Marco Pierre White (boy day).