Big Brother UK 2016: Don't speak to Big Brother like that

The others are immune? Ugh.

What the fuck is going on in the world? We're shooting dead MPs? Perhaps start with Farage, then? Seriously though, what a week for news. The world is terrifying. So when people ask why you still watch Big Brother, this is why. Because we can be in the house with them, away from the news, away from the world, away from anything serious. Unfortunately, still with Jayne.
I don't know who's been nommed. Maybe no one does? I stayed off Twitter today in case other people knew.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT JAYNE. I actually agreed with James Jordan (I know, wtf) on BOTS when he said 'Nobody cares.' Less than nobody. We always say put oldies in the house, then they put oldies in and they are an embarrassment.
Lateysha is worried the others are watching her 'do a shit.' I think there's a special channel for that. She misses putting make up on Chelsea. No comment.
Chelsea is pretending he doesn't know why Jayne is there. He's twitching, bad. Look at his diamond earrings. All that money, no taste whatsoever. What a twonk. Is he enjoying his Big Brother 'experience'? I doubt it.
Texses! It's TEXTS FFS. I feel like I'm watching Jeremy Kyle. Jayne is a pain in my arse. Bring back Andrew, etc.
Ooh they're doing the shopping list! Haven't seen that for a while. I love the shopping list wars. Always reminds me of Science. What a housemate. Memories.
Jayne can 'anayalate' Chelsea in one second. Chelsea is anayalating her at the mo by revealing she slept with John Terry and Sven Goran Errikson. HAHAHAHA. Who would be interested in a kiss and tell on Chelsea? YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS.
Andy is RUINING the ghost story. He is SUCH A MISERY GUTS. Sam: 'Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling my mum a liar?' Bad time to start a fight, just before noms. Epic fail. He's meant to be 'intelligent'. Self-proclaimed intelligent professional killjoy. Also, what he's saying isn't even right. There are MANY unexplained things in life (admittedly, ghosts aren't one of them). 'Colourful sex life my arse.
NOMINATIONS. At last. How can we only just be at this point. Ryan can't be nommed. WHYYYYYYY? I want him out.
Laura nommed Georgina for being negative and Sam because his mum's a liar. No, not really. Cos he turned on her when he heard the crowd boo her. That is bad. Fairweather friend.
Jason nommed Lateysha for 'over-acting' and Laura for getting it on with Marco. Why not nom Marco? Oh I know, because HE'S A MAN!
Evelyn nommed Georgina and for being a 'downer' and Andy for looking at her because she's stupid. Andy does look at people like they're a bit of shit on his shoe.
OMG Jason suddenly turning feminist, going back into the DR and asking to change his vote. 'It aint right. I have to nom Marco too.' AMAZING.
I'm glad BB didn't accept him changing the nom. Jason is just trying to look good for the cameras. Sorry, we have to accept your first sexist nomination.
Andy is trying to patch things up with Sam quick before nominations. Sam: 'I hate being patronised.' I fucking love it! It's my favourite.
Emma nommed Georgina and Andy for being negative.
Sam nommed Andy for calling his mum a liar and Marco for... well, being Marco.
Lateysha also nommed Marco by stealing Adjoa's line. And Andy. For being angry.
I love Hughie seeing through Chelsea messing about straight away. 'What am I in Downton Abbey, are yous all acting?' Hughie is great casting. I did not see it. But now I see! I see you, Hughie.
Georgina nommed Marco and Emma. I hate Emma but Emma will never go. I love Georgina's perma disgusted face. I really don't want Georgina to go. I like how annoyed she is with everything.
Andy nommed Emma for her energy bullcrap. He also nommed Evelyn for trying to be friends with people. Er, what? 'I can see she finds it difficult.' How could he not nom Marco! Weird.
Marco nommed Georgina in his whispering tones; end of. Big Brother digging out Marco. 'I fucking said it.' Big Brother: 'Marco, don't speak to Big Brother like that.' Marco nommed Andy for ghostgate. Marco is nomming like they're going to show Georgina and Andy his noms. Why is he being such a baby? MAN UP, SON.
Jayne is getting angry about towels. I heard a good rhyme with towel today in a song but I can't remember what it was.
Georgina doesn't want cake baking advice from Marco's greaseball arse. Looks like he's washed his hair in chip fat.
Jayne is airtime seeking. 'ARE YOU ON DRUGS? WHY DO I WANT TO GO HOME?' She's like Nikki Grahame's grandma. Settle down, dear. Give her a cup of Horlicks and a Xanax.
Big Brother is being a funny fucker today. I like Big Brother's tone in general this year, like 'whatevs.'
So who's up? Emma (why?), Andy, Georgina and Marco. No Laura! Haha. So Ryan failed to get Laura nommed. He better be up! Oh he just has to go back to the others? Put him on the block! It's a golden chance to get rid of him. WE CAN'T LOSE MARCO THIS EARLY. Is it vote to evict?
Do I admire Ryan for not trying to get Laura put up? Not really. But I'm glad Laura's not up. Let's face it, it's what Big Brother wanted. She was a classic first boot. I love it when BB doesn't get what he wants.
Chelsea is getting on my nerves. I know he's a good character but he's got a nasty streak.
Cookery time. If someone is saying 'I don't know how black the crust is meant to be,' I don't think that cake is going well.
Aw, Andy trying to be cool letting Marco feed him crisps. Prawn cocktail. Embarrassing. Look at the state of that floor. Animals.
Ryan and Hughie are getting off. Laura and Marco are getting off again in the pool. Second hall pass? I think Marco just said 'slap my fucking nuts and call me a whore' but I may have misheard. Ah, he's doing his laugh again. EHEHEHEHEH. Music to my ears. My natural laugh has turned into the Marco laugh, which is very disturbing. Then Marco told Emma he loved her, even doing the 'not for adults' loveheart hands. Does he think that will ingratiate him back with his girlfriend? Sorry, fiancé.
Laura and Marco are shameless, naked in the bathroom. I am not even agog anymore. I'm meh.
Ryan and Hughie getting off was quite sweet in a weird way, unless I've gone mad (it's possible). They would have quite a tempestuous relationship, don't you think? Maybe it could kind of... work?
Shiiiiiiit it's vote to evict. Marco is FUCKED. What is the point of vote to evict! Vote to save would have removed the horrid twin from proceedings. You came as a package deal, lady, get the hell out. Let's VTE ANDY'S boring arse! Actually I'm not voting. Fuck this mess. But still. SAVE MARCO.