Big Brother UK 2016: David Gest suite for Natalie

Jayne is moaning that the house is a mess - squalor is actually too polite a word for that dump.
Jackson is on his perch, pontificating about Georgina and his son. 'She took it on the chin like a true champ.' OK then. I await the rags to riches magazine deal.
Georgina is worried about Jackson's baby momma. 'Culture clash.' Who cares? Lateysha is right, if you like someone, it doesn't matter. So she obviously doesn't like him.
Jayne wants to bring in a rota. Chelsea is telling Jayne 'not to inaugurate herself into the house with an attitude.' HRH Honeytrap. Natalie is capitalising on the situation, stirring about Jayne. TOO LATE they realise they should have put Jayne up. It should be Jayne out, not Natalie. Now she's actressing in the diary room. YAWN.
Shopping task. Andy, Chelsea and Lateysha are the 'brain housemates.' Who decided that? Sam and Laura have to go on a bath full of unmentionables. Ryan isn't getting much airtime lately, is he? I almost started liking him, he's so insignificant (see alleged sexiest man Alex for further details).
Laura: 'It's all going in my fanny.' Insert Marco joke here. Or there. *sexist*
I fucking love battered sausage and chips, that's my lifeblood. I don't get this task. I'd be like, just give me the food. Is it cos the bath stinks they can't eat it? I can't work out what's going on. It ended with 'there's fucking fish coming out of my arsehole', though. Sound bites.
Then now have to say who's the most and least honest. BORING. Jayne *seriously*: 'What does being fake entail?' Er... you apparently. Then she cried. I don't care about any of these housemates. I don't care about another regurgitated shit stir. Have I mentioned I miss Marco? And Andrew. I miss all the BDSM people basically. Natalie will make it the hat trick.
Chelsea is being an arse in this task. He's so vile about Jayne and I fucking hate Jayne. Natalie the least sexy? Natalie is a dominatrix! She will make you call her sexy! *whip*
Natalie is refusing to go on the 'unsexy' podium. Jayne has admitted she's 'a bombshell'. Hughie has offered to go up as 'least sexy' even though 'I know I'm good looking.' Natalie: 'I get fit guys.' Hahaha. Sexy is very subjective. Andy and Chelsea are about as sexy as the shit weasels from Dreamcatcher, for example. And Jayne looks like she takes her dentures out before she gives a blowjob. (I know this is low, but the episode is so boring, it's driven me to it. Apologies for ageism/ sexism).
Natalie is now ordering someone round an obstacle course. Is it Hughie? 'I thought you were used to giving orders.' Andy can't watch, like when creepy Chris had to watch the live feed with Helen and couldn't be bothered. It's a hard life in the Big Brother house. Haha.
I like how much Natalie fucking up this task is annoying Andy, Lateysha and Chelsea. Even Evelyn is pissed off about the task nonsense. She speaks!
Andy is dissing Natalie's dom skills. Thought he was pro women? She she's been called unsexy and crap at giving orders. Where do we sign up for the spanking?
HAHAHA at Natalie issuing orders about the wine! Hilarity. Alkie! OMG my TV just cut out because it's thundering here. Right when it kicked off. Great timing. I don't think I'm fated to enjoy this episode. Apparently Natalie hit Laura, but I never even saw it. I'm getting mixed opinions on Twitter, from 'pushed her arm' to 'hit her.' I don't think she'd still be in there if she'd hit her.
Natalie: 'It's like I'm their target.' Fighting talk! Are they bullying Natalie? It's hard for me to tell with the missing footage. REDACTED.
Sam thinks people are ganging up on Natalie. Oh, he's got beef with Ryan. He doesn't agree with a guy (Ryan) being in a woman's face (Natalie) although I'm sure Natalie could kill Ryan with one finger, Chelsea style. I missed the bit with Ryan, so I can't comment. Sam is either being legit decent or a top gameplanner. Either way, it's more than I've seen him do so far.
SPARE ROOM. David Gest suite for Natalie. Ooh interesting that Laura and Evelyn don't like Lateysha and Sam. This is what I want to see, the real divides based on actual personalities, not fake beefs caused by arbitary divides, or dumb pre-existing relationships. I want REAL TALK not all this fake ass drama. Is that too much to ask? I know it is.
Natalie 'swiped Laura's arm in an offensive manner' and was given a warning. Was this fair? I have no clue. Not a great blog when I missed the crucial moment, plus the rest of the show was shit. Still, kind of sums up how I feel about Big Brother UK at the moment. Eight week series? Probably for the best. And I hate them for making me say that.