Wednesday, 29 June 2011

The Apprentice: Half douche, half biscuit

Lord Sugar's in the kitchen? Well don't just stand there, stick the kettle on, you miserable old shrew. Oh, biscuit task. The best biscuit has already been invented; the Toffypop. Rarely seen, but when you find them, they are fucking AMAZING. They are more cake than biscuit, really. I could eat a packet, easy. My other fave biscuit are the posh thick orange chocolate ones from M&S. They are ace. I try not to have those in the house.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.


Ossian said...

You know when people say they laughed out loud and really they only twitched one corner of their mouth and then thought better of smiling, well this is not one of those, I really laughed out loud at the point where you clicked that Melody is public enemy (enema?) number 1. I'm still laughing now as I type this. Yes, ten ton truck too, not really though, I'll cancel that for you in case anything really happens (but it can't because it was all recorded some time ago, I suppose.)

That is such a funny wish, that Tom would say that to Melody. So unlikely.

Ossian said...

This was the first episode where I was not in a state of telly rage at any stage. I think I'm falling for Susie a bit. I quite liked Zoe, she was my hero(ine?) for standing up to and fighting Melody and outgunning her. I suppose the final will be the fleshcreeping horror that is Melody versus that arrogant, lanky poxbottle Jim.

lightupvirginmary said...

Poxbottle! I like this. Glad I made you giggle. :)