Hello, I've been out drinking woo woo's so who knows how this will go. So I already know who's up for nomination because I watched BOTS, and I'm pretty sure Psycho Kid and his moll will survive up against Paula. Why do they get up so early in the morning? WTF is he doing in the garden? Heidi 'likes everyone'. Only if Spencer says so. I like the fact they have collective and not individual nerves to get on. These two are one piece of work. Spencer is such a kiss arse, pretending he's interested in Frankie's plane crash. Spencer is only interested in one thing; mind control. Alivina the chipmunk is excited about nominations. She'll be excited when she gets all ten votes.
Paula crashed her car 'to avoid Bambi.' Yeah, OK. Frankie 'allegedly' failed the drug test. Doesn't seem like there's much allegedly about it.
People who make anagrams out of words i.e. 'bitch' bore me senseless. Same with people who quote things, talk in proverbs or riddles. Just come up with something original, you drongo, as Toadfish would say. You dags!
Rylan is going to be hammy about nominations, isn't he? Ham, ham, ham. He needs to cool it a bit. Nominating Lacey equals eliminating the competition for Sam! He doesn't like Lacey interrupting 'serious conversations.' What serious conversations is Rylan having? The abortion limit? Quantitative easing? Syria?
Sam doesn't like the middle-aged harridans. Fair enough. He's just as dull, he's just prettier.
Interesting hearing Gillian talk as I don't think I've heard a word out of her yet. She didn't nominate Heidi and Spencer for genuine reasons. Just say they're arseholes. I like her voice.
Tricia nominated Sam. It's like the bland leading the bland. Paula is fucking boring. Me, me, me, me. Namedrop, namedrop, namedrop. Get rid! Interesting Lacy nominated Claire. I wonder what's going on there?
I like Paula describing Heidi and Spencer as caviler. That's a good word to describe them. Sam's getting a decent amount of nominations for someone so inoffensive. Maybe his inoffensiveness is offensive.
Paula: 'I've got an amazing nose.' Claire is doing some good 'harrumphing'. Probably not good to criticise someone's cooking mid-nominations, Paula. Claire is doing a nom-cry. She seems quite depressed in general. Paula is just plain annoying. I can't imagine anyone voting to save her.
I miss Toadfish's mohawk. He's probably not had it for about 15 years. Ah, Razor is one of those 'I'm trying to sleep' nominators, ie. a killjoy.
Is Heidi going to get to speak during these nominations? Oh, she did. That was gracious of him.
I like the way they gave out the numbers for the nominations, that put a nice little spin on it. They do that on the Australian show, too and it shit-stirs quite well. I think Spencer might go a bit 'Incredible Hulk' now.
Spencer has 'a feeling we're going to win.' Hmm. Not sure about that. 'The universe is quite strange.' True.
LOL to Rylan pretending to be in a relationship with David Beckham. 'Dave, give me a break.' Rylan: 'He could do worse.' Razor: 'He has.' Haha. Take that, Posh!
Paula: 'I'm going to pack and go now.' Fuck off then, you old toad. I'm tired of her histrionics already. She's such a martyr. She IS like Jasmine Leonard's mum.
Spencer whispering in Heidi's ear that no one likes her. Control freak alert! No one likes YOU, gimp.
Paula: 'this is going to affect my brand.' What brand? Toothless alcoholic?
Paula's going to 'jump the wall.' I hear members of Steps make good stepladders. Probably H is more useful than Claire, though. Paula: 'Big Brother, you've ruined my life.' Big Brother didn't vote for you, you old soak. It was your housemates!
Rylan: 'chop me out, drop me out': Stop it!
Paula to Big Brother: 'Stop talking like that, talk in your normal voice.' The Australian Big Brother would have no truck with that! When he gets pissed off with the housemates, he just sets the DR door to open automatically, it's so good.
What 'products' did Paula want to launch? Sheepskin coats? God, she's so spoilt. I can't bear it. 'I was really into helping you making this a great show.' Don't flatter yourself, you ninny.
Spencer is right in a way, it is in our hands, but the more he brags about being saved, the less people will vote for his annoying plate-face and his blow-up wife.
You don't have to be 'highly intelligent' to work out you're going home, Paula. Even Lacey could work it out. I think Paula is highly narcissistic. She's damaged goods, completely. It's a bit sick having her in there in a way, but no sicker than Trevor and Little Mo.
Is that fleece part of Spencer's own wardrobe? 'Magic kiss'? I'll pass.
Why is Paula blaming the women in the house for nominating her? Batshit crazy, that's why. She needs to get her head out of her arse. And off my screen. G'night!
Monday, 7 January 2013
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: A coven of witches, with all due respect
Ok so I did some research today (by watching The Hills on MTV) and it turns out Spencer has completely brainwashed Heidi and cut her off from her family (and his, actually). He proudly told someone he doesn't let her watch TV or read papers as he doesn't want her being 'influenced by the Matrix' whilst she sat there smiling dumbly. She also cut off her friends and said she 'needed to concentrate on love right now.' That's not love, it's a hostage situation. I heard they think 9/11 is an inside job (well, he does, as he thinks for the both of them) so it's not all bad.
These tasks are dull... drains, electricity, what is this, DIY SOS? How ARE they gonna rig it to keep David Koresh and Barbie in there?
Did Heidi and Spencer agree to give the luxury breakfast to the basement dwellers? I've never seen anybody get so excited about breakfast, not even Chris Evans.
Paula: 'One person, lips are moving.' Well there's a black mark against you.
Ooh, Lacey called Rylan 'the star of the show'. Don't say that to Spencer! She said 'Kathy's son got his head flushed down the toilet by Phil Mitchell.' Er... that wasn't real. Now Phil Mitchell in the Big Brother house! That I'd pay to see.
You can tell Heidi doesn't get out much, because she's a nightmare in social situations. I also hate people who say 'British accent.' There's no such thing as a British accent, there's probably more than 500 'British accents'. I'm sure the Scottish and Welsh don't appreciate some hokey impression of the Queen being defined as their accent. Plus the only two British accents Americans know are from films: posh and cockney.
LOL, Heidi: 'These housemates are all icons.' I can assure you Trisha Penrose is NOT an icon, she's not even a pixel. I love the fact every year the American housemates think the UK housemates are household names. Some of these are barely household implements.
I don't think Rylan comes over as 'cocky.' He's quite self-effacing.
Frankie's being a martyr again, bless him! He's a smart cookie, isn't he, throwing himself to the sharks? But it's true, it's very unlikely he'll be voted out. I think the 'ultimate sacrifice' is something a bit more than putting yourself head to head with the Pratts.
I'm glad that stupid task is over. I hate divisive tasks. Razor in the bath: no thanks. And referring to women as 'birds' - lovely.
Oh dear, Heidi's not having kids because of Spencer. On the Hills I saw earlier she was trying to accidentally get pregnant. She's a 'servant of love.' No, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a Stepford wife. If someone like knocks against her accidentally and messes with her settings maybe she's just wake up and go 'Where am I?' then look in a mirror and scream.
The press have made out Paula's a nutter 'because she didn't have an agent or a manager.' Isn't it because you drunk-drove into a tree? I couldn't be less interested in Paula, Trisha, Gillian or Claire at the moment. I think they are suffering in the edit, though, but they're just not that interesting. Middle-aged women in the Big Brother house rarely are, I'm afraid to say.
I'm surprised Razor is getting on so well with Rylan. I think it's because Rylan and Frankie are tight. This farting thing could have definitely been left out of the edit; puerile.
I hate it when women start feeling other women's boobs on Big Brother. I'd knock someone out of they came near my boobs. It's such a weird thing, I've only ever seen it happen on Big Brother. Perhaps it's in their contracts?
How come Heidi is being so nice to Claire now? I think they're trying to do a bit of damage limitation here, like good cop/bad cop. I think it's too late.
Paula in her bikini, I mean she's not bad for her age but still, do we have to dwell on it? I'm glad didn't focus on Claire getting in the pool, like I thought they were going to, just to be nasty.
Are they allowed to talk about Heidi and Spencer being obvious nominees? Surely not. Could this be the get out clause?
Cooking wars between Claire and Paula! There's ALWAYS a battle over the kitchen isn't there, and it's always fucking DULL. Paula is a name-dropper and a braggard. Hope she goes this week. Bring on the nom noms!
These tasks are dull... drains, electricity, what is this, DIY SOS? How ARE they gonna rig it to keep David Koresh and Barbie in there?
Did Heidi and Spencer agree to give the luxury breakfast to the basement dwellers? I've never seen anybody get so excited about breakfast, not even Chris Evans.
Paula: 'One person, lips are moving.' Well there's a black mark against you.
Ooh, Lacey called Rylan 'the star of the show'. Don't say that to Spencer! She said 'Kathy's son got his head flushed down the toilet by Phil Mitchell.' Er... that wasn't real. Now Phil Mitchell in the Big Brother house! That I'd pay to see.
You can tell Heidi doesn't get out much, because she's a nightmare in social situations. I also hate people who say 'British accent.' There's no such thing as a British accent, there's probably more than 500 'British accents'. I'm sure the Scottish and Welsh don't appreciate some hokey impression of the Queen being defined as their accent. Plus the only two British accents Americans know are from films: posh and cockney.
LOL, Heidi: 'These housemates are all icons.' I can assure you Trisha Penrose is NOT an icon, she's not even a pixel. I love the fact every year the American housemates think the UK housemates are household names. Some of these are barely household implements.
I don't think Rylan comes over as 'cocky.' He's quite self-effacing.
Frankie's being a martyr again, bless him! He's a smart cookie, isn't he, throwing himself to the sharks? But it's true, it's very unlikely he'll be voted out. I think the 'ultimate sacrifice' is something a bit more than putting yourself head to head with the Pratts.
I'm glad that stupid task is over. I hate divisive tasks. Razor in the bath: no thanks. And referring to women as 'birds' - lovely.
Oh dear, Heidi's not having kids because of Spencer. On the Hills I saw earlier she was trying to accidentally get pregnant. She's a 'servant of love.' No, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a Stepford wife. If someone like knocks against her accidentally and messes with her settings maybe she's just wake up and go 'Where am I?' then look in a mirror and scream.
The press have made out Paula's a nutter 'because she didn't have an agent or a manager.' Isn't it because you drunk-drove into a tree? I couldn't be less interested in Paula, Trisha, Gillian or Claire at the moment. I think they are suffering in the edit, though, but they're just not that interesting. Middle-aged women in the Big Brother house rarely are, I'm afraid to say.
I'm surprised Razor is getting on so well with Rylan. I think it's because Rylan and Frankie are tight. This farting thing could have definitely been left out of the edit; puerile.
I hate it when women start feeling other women's boobs on Big Brother. I'd knock someone out of they came near my boobs. It's such a weird thing, I've only ever seen it happen on Big Brother. Perhaps it's in their contracts?
How come Heidi is being so nice to Claire now? I think they're trying to do a bit of damage limitation here, like good cop/bad cop. I think it's too late.
Paula in her bikini, I mean she's not bad for her age but still, do we have to dwell on it? I'm glad didn't focus on Claire getting in the pool, like I thought they were going to, just to be nasty.
Are they allowed to talk about Heidi and Spencer being obvious nominees? Surely not. Could this be the get out clause?
Cooking wars between Claire and Paula! There's ALWAYS a battle over the kitchen isn't there, and it's always fucking DULL. Paula is a name-dropper and a braggard. Hope she goes this week. Bring on the nom noms!
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Haves cannot stand us have-nots
Someone ticked the 'blah' box yesterday so I'd better watch myself! Blahblahblahblah. That's all this is! Just me blethering on.
Hi, everyone else! How are you? I feel a bit split between my £50 on Rylan and my enjoyment of the Spencer and Heidi. It would be criminal if they were out first, but how could it go any other way? I watched the clip on Spencer kicking off on I'm a Celeb US and he is a PROPER nutcase. He was soooo aggressive. Someone peeled a label off Heidi's dry shampoo and he started ranting about 'arts and crafts' and slapping things out of people's hands. You'd be out on your ear for that kind of aggression on our show *suddenly remembers Conor... not so sure*. Talking of Conor, I thought they were meant to apologise for his disgusting scumbaggery at the start of the show as Ofcom ruled that he was a sexist douchebag, or whatever? Oh well, as long as I never have to see his spudhead again, I'll be happy. But I'll never forget!
Anyway, on with tonight's festivities. I don't mind Frankie at all, actually, I think he might be my second favourite.
Paula is quite well camouflaged on that sofa under her Del Boy coat, I was hoping someone was going to slag her off! 'Really sick' - she seems OK now. I do give her respect for that actressing. Not bad at all.
I think the other housemates like Steps more than Claire does. I've always got the feeling she hated her own music.
Are they really poisoning them in the basement? Surely that's not allowed.
It's weird the way Heidi just laughs at everything Spencer says, even when it's not funny. It's like she's had her personality removed. From what I've read, he really controls her and cut her off from her family. She's obviously deeply disturbed, and I suspect, a bit thick.
Paula: 'In England, we say hello to people.' Yeah in America, they just go 'Put 'em up!'
I feel a bit sorry for Rylan because he's on the backfoot, but it's not his fault he had to make those choices at the beginning. I feel like Big Brother set him up a bit because he's such an obvious favourite. Ok, so he could have gone into the basement, but I wouldn't have.
Spencer looks angry when Heidi talks. She looks sad in general. That's why they're interesting to watch.
Rylan, I don't think semen 'eats away at the wall of the vagina.' That sounds like something out of a horror film.
Spencer and Heidi have been given a task: to be villians. Rylan: 'suit your fucking self.' LOL. I love the way he talks, he reminds me of my boyfriend a bit, not the accent, but the turns of phrase.
I don't think Rylan is helping this Montag situation. Heidi talks like a fucking chipmunk. Razor is rabble-rousing!
I wish they had shown Spencer slagging them all off in the basement Diary Room. Spencer is like an army general. No wonder he's got the camo on. When is someone going to break it to him that the BB house isn't a mansion, but just a TV studio?
Surprise, surprise, chief fence-sitter Toadfish offers to unblock the drains, a job that's quite suitable for such a dull man. It's not like it's real shit in there. The Scott and Charlene wedding music was a nice touch. Toadfish aint stupid, he wants to grab a few votes. I'd rather Alf or Fisher were in the house.
Spencer: 'that girl's not cute.' Heidi: 'which one?' Spencer: 'Any of them.' He prefers his women shop-bought.
I like Frankie's dry humour, and the fact he's letting Rylan hang himself. He played a shrewd game because he got himself off the hook with the Montags by sending them back up to luxury, plus making Rylan deal with the fallout. Best buddies, not quite!
Sam seems quite cool, just keeping his head down and his mouth shut. Good to stay under that radar, unless you're someone I want out.
Footballers Wives WAS ace and it had Nicky Platt in it as the David Beckham type. I'd love to know what Rylan's 'nest of tables' looks like.
LOL to Heidi and Spencer hiding under the foil when Spencer came in, what a pair of immature, rude bastards. No wonder he sent them upstairs; get shot! That was a purely selfish decision on his part.
They wanted Toadie. They got the Pratts. Hilarious. Notice they left the basement quick enough!
Frankie: 'I think it's going to kick off now, that's why I done it.' Ha! Brilliant.
I think Spencer preferred martyrdom in the basement, don't you? Aw, Frankie, 'Look after my Rylan and the girls will you?' Don't pretend to care now, we know your game!
I'm still not impressed with that DR chair, it's like someone's chucked an old rug on it.
Rylan is right not to trust that couple. They're not people, they're just characters. Anyway, I heard they're all out of the basement now, and I'm pleased. I despise tasks that separate the housemates, it's against the natural order of the show. Let relationships develop naturally. Let villains be the person you least expect. Let it be 2002.
Hi, everyone else! How are you? I feel a bit split between my £50 on Rylan and my enjoyment of the Spencer and Heidi. It would be criminal if they were out first, but how could it go any other way? I watched the clip on Spencer kicking off on I'm a Celeb US and he is a PROPER nutcase. He was soooo aggressive. Someone peeled a label off Heidi's dry shampoo and he started ranting about 'arts and crafts' and slapping things out of people's hands. You'd be out on your ear for that kind of aggression on our show *suddenly remembers Conor... not so sure*. Talking of Conor, I thought they were meant to apologise for his disgusting scumbaggery at the start of the show as Ofcom ruled that he was a sexist douchebag, or whatever? Oh well, as long as I never have to see his spudhead again, I'll be happy. But I'll never forget!
Anyway, on with tonight's festivities. I don't mind Frankie at all, actually, I think he might be my second favourite.
Paula is quite well camouflaged on that sofa under her Del Boy coat, I was hoping someone was going to slag her off! 'Really sick' - she seems OK now. I do give her respect for that actressing. Not bad at all.
I think the other housemates like Steps more than Claire does. I've always got the feeling she hated her own music.
Are they really poisoning them in the basement? Surely that's not allowed.
It's weird the way Heidi just laughs at everything Spencer says, even when it's not funny. It's like she's had her personality removed. From what I've read, he really controls her and cut her off from her family. She's obviously deeply disturbed, and I suspect, a bit thick.
Paula: 'In England, we say hello to people.' Yeah in America, they just go 'Put 'em up!'
I feel a bit sorry for Rylan because he's on the backfoot, but it's not his fault he had to make those choices at the beginning. I feel like Big Brother set him up a bit because he's such an obvious favourite. Ok, so he could have gone into the basement, but I wouldn't have.
Spencer looks angry when Heidi talks. She looks sad in general. That's why they're interesting to watch.
Rylan, I don't think semen 'eats away at the wall of the vagina.' That sounds like something out of a horror film.
Spencer and Heidi have been given a task: to be villians. Rylan: 'suit your fucking self.' LOL. I love the way he talks, he reminds me of my boyfriend a bit, not the accent, but the turns of phrase.
I don't think Rylan is helping this Montag situation. Heidi talks like a fucking chipmunk. Razor is rabble-rousing!
I wish they had shown Spencer slagging them all off in the basement Diary Room. Spencer is like an army general. No wonder he's got the camo on. When is someone going to break it to him that the BB house isn't a mansion, but just a TV studio?
Surprise, surprise, chief fence-sitter Toadfish offers to unblock the drains, a job that's quite suitable for such a dull man. It's not like it's real shit in there. The Scott and Charlene wedding music was a nice touch. Toadfish aint stupid, he wants to grab a few votes. I'd rather Alf or Fisher were in the house.
Spencer: 'that girl's not cute.' Heidi: 'which one?' Spencer: 'Any of them.' He prefers his women shop-bought.
I like Frankie's dry humour, and the fact he's letting Rylan hang himself. He played a shrewd game because he got himself off the hook with the Montags by sending them back up to luxury, plus making Rylan deal with the fallout. Best buddies, not quite!
Sam seems quite cool, just keeping his head down and his mouth shut. Good to stay under that radar, unless you're someone I want out.
Footballers Wives WAS ace and it had Nicky Platt in it as the David Beckham type. I'd love to know what Rylan's 'nest of tables' looks like.
LOL to Heidi and Spencer hiding under the foil when Spencer came in, what a pair of immature, rude bastards. No wonder he sent them upstairs; get shot! That was a purely selfish decision on his part.
They wanted Toadie. They got the Pratts. Hilarious. Notice they left the basement quick enough!
Frankie: 'I think it's going to kick off now, that's why I done it.' Ha! Brilliant.
I think Spencer preferred martyrdom in the basement, don't you? Aw, Frankie, 'Look after my Rylan and the girls will you?' Don't pretend to care now, we know your game!
I'm still not impressed with that DR chair, it's like someone's chucked an old rug on it.
Rylan is right not to trust that couple. They're not people, they're just characters. Anyway, I heard they're all out of the basement now, and I'm pleased. I despise tasks that separate the housemates, it's against the natural order of the show. Let relationships develop naturally. Let villains be the person you least expect. Let it be 2002.
Friday, 4 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I'm in the basement, you're in the sky
Recap, recap, recap! So I found out Razor was the replacement for Jim Davidson, which is surprising when he's one of the most famous in there. Seriously, they must have spent about 25p on the housemates this year.
So I heard Paula's already out of the basement for 'health reasons'. Is it cos she needs her coconut? My boyfriend reckons she's got her stash in there. COKE-a-nut? Sniffy sniffy!
Why would everyone hate Lacey for being a page 3 model? I think they'd more likely hate her for having a stupid name. How can they do live nominations tonight when they've not even lived together? I hope they organise it a bit better than last time when we spent about 40 minutes waiting for Hev to nominate. Big Brother Australia knows how to do it, he rules with an iron fist.
Rylan to Claire: 'you changed my life.' Christ. How? Frankie seems alright so far.
Spencer trying to ingratiate himself with the other inmates was funny. Apparently The Hills is 'very posh.' I didn't even know Americans said the word 'posh'.
Heidi: 'I thought you all worked here.' The end of the sentence is because 'you're too ugly to be celebrities.'
Frankie why are you wearing a scarf indoors? You're not in the basement. Spencer is right; they are like a bunch of weirdos.
It's good that they can talk to each other through the garden. That's so weird that Spencer and Heidi didn't go up and say hello: weak gameplay! Sloppy. Cut your nose off to spite your face society! Haha, I liked their conversation and their fake English accents. How do they know about 'reem'?! It's kind of funny they can't be bothered to come up. I admire that stubbornness.
They've all researched each other! Aren't they meant to be in sequester before? Singer and jockey boy? How does he know all this?
Lacey's got an annoying voice! Sam is 'technically, totally single.' Lacey: 'That means you're not.' She's not that stupid, is she? That doesn't make sense.
Spencer and Heidi are really endearing themselves to the British public, aren't they? LOL, crumpets and tea. Spencer is a pisstaker extraordinare.
Spencer would have sacrificed himself and gone into the basement! Yeah, right! He's hilarious, but he's not for real, he's just a reality contestant by numbers. I like him, though! He's entertaining. He's a good villain.
I just wouldn't wash if I had to wash with a bucket of cold water. I'd happily not wash for a week.
The house looks nice, kind of chintzy. Frankie: 'eventually they're going to have a task where someone's got to sleep with someone.' It's not that sort of show, is it?
Are they seriously going to eat that food off the floor? Have they ever heard of the five second rule? That is disgusting.
Lucy Banghard has took her skirt/trousers off already. Isn't it cold in the igloo? That's not going to endear her to the general public.
Did I mention I put £50 on Rylan FTW last night? I'm a little bit worried now, because Spencer seems like a reality TV pro and he's got Rylan in his sights. Perhaps I was a little rash with my betting!
Razor finds 'Stacey and Spencer a bit strange'. That's a bit rich coming from him. Those beds look really nice in the main house.
Bogey talk in the basement. Eww. Heidi is sleeping with tin foil over her head.
I hate to hate on the page 3 girl but she's getting on my nerves already. Put some clothes on.
Uh oh, Rylan's coming over a bit Darth Vader in the Diary Room. Don't go evil, Rylan! I'm counting on your camp humour to win me the big bucks.
Paula's pretending to have a health problem to get out of the basement. I admire her chutzpah. Nice one! She's probably withdrawing off the coconut. You sly old dog. You've got to respect that level of bullshit.
Ok we're onto nominations now. How can they nominate when they've not even met all of them? 'Do not swear.' Not even a please!
Rylan, sacrifice yourself to the basement! It's the only way I'll win my £50. Lacey's got no clothes on again. We need Aaron in here to fix the vote, like when he did over Jay McKay (well, Faye, actually).
Those sofas look nice. I want to sit round there with Rylan. Frankie: 'I'm a man, I can do it.' Yeah cos a woman couldn't take those conditions of a dark TV studio.
Frankie: 'I am standing up.' At least that was funny. What is all this 'it's a man's job' bullshit? This isn't nominations. This is just writing names on an etch a sketch.
Rylan drew a horse, bless. He should have gone down, this is going to count against him! I'm worried now!
Frankie's used to going in crack dens to pick up his coke anyway. Ha, Spencer and Heidi still can't be bothered to go into the garden, they're like part of the Flowers in the Attic dynasty. They need sunlight! Where the hell are they? Are they not even saying hello to Frankie? Their gameplan is nutso!
Frankie digging Heidi and Spencer out for not coming upstairs! He's brave. I wouldn't mess with them. Send Spencer and Heidi upstairs to get rid of them. Toadfish is being a basement martyr, baby!
Heidi's not annoying at ALL, is she? Take her, Lacey and Spencer and drown them in the pool. Why are they all kissing Razor's booty? Just trying to get shot of him, I think.
Well this didn't go the way Big Brother hoped, did it?
Hold that thought! BRILLIANT! Frankie ignored all the toadying and sent Spencer and Heidi up. He just wanted rid of them, didn't he? That was marvelous. Razor's going to be fuming!
AWKWARD! 'Hi, I'm Heidi, nice to meet you.' Eventually.
Rylan's crawling to them! I don't blame him. This is good, this is going to make much better TV than sending Razor up there.
Heidi has got a really annoying voice, too. Be careful jumping on those cushions, Heidi, don't break your face. I'd be after a shower, I think, not the champers. Razor and Toadfish are the nicest people Spencer has ever met? He needs to get out more. Out of the basement! And into the ether. Let the games begin.
So I heard Paula's already out of the basement for 'health reasons'. Is it cos she needs her coconut? My boyfriend reckons she's got her stash in there. COKE-a-nut? Sniffy sniffy!
Why would everyone hate Lacey for being a page 3 model? I think they'd more likely hate her for having a stupid name. How can they do live nominations tonight when they've not even lived together? I hope they organise it a bit better than last time when we spent about 40 minutes waiting for Hev to nominate. Big Brother Australia knows how to do it, he rules with an iron fist.
Rylan to Claire: 'you changed my life.' Christ. How? Frankie seems alright so far.
Spencer trying to ingratiate himself with the other inmates was funny. Apparently The Hills is 'very posh.' I didn't even know Americans said the word 'posh'.
Heidi: 'I thought you all worked here.' The end of the sentence is because 'you're too ugly to be celebrities.'
Frankie why are you wearing a scarf indoors? You're not in the basement. Spencer is right; they are like a bunch of weirdos.
It's good that they can talk to each other through the garden. That's so weird that Spencer and Heidi didn't go up and say hello: weak gameplay! Sloppy. Cut your nose off to spite your face society! Haha, I liked their conversation and their fake English accents. How do they know about 'reem'?! It's kind of funny they can't be bothered to come up. I admire that stubbornness.
They've all researched each other! Aren't they meant to be in sequester before? Singer and jockey boy? How does he know all this?
Lacey's got an annoying voice! Sam is 'technically, totally single.' Lacey: 'That means you're not.' She's not that stupid, is she? That doesn't make sense.
Spencer and Heidi are really endearing themselves to the British public, aren't they? LOL, crumpets and tea. Spencer is a pisstaker extraordinare.
Spencer would have sacrificed himself and gone into the basement! Yeah, right! He's hilarious, but he's not for real, he's just a reality contestant by numbers. I like him, though! He's entertaining. He's a good villain.
I just wouldn't wash if I had to wash with a bucket of cold water. I'd happily not wash for a week.
The house looks nice, kind of chintzy. Frankie: 'eventually they're going to have a task where someone's got to sleep with someone.' It's not that sort of show, is it?
Are they seriously going to eat that food off the floor? Have they ever heard of the five second rule? That is disgusting.
Lucy Banghard has took her skirt/trousers off already. Isn't it cold in the igloo? That's not going to endear her to the general public.
Did I mention I put £50 on Rylan FTW last night? I'm a little bit worried now, because Spencer seems like a reality TV pro and he's got Rylan in his sights. Perhaps I was a little rash with my betting!
Razor finds 'Stacey and Spencer a bit strange'. That's a bit rich coming from him. Those beds look really nice in the main house.
Bogey talk in the basement. Eww. Heidi is sleeping with tin foil over her head.
I hate to hate on the page 3 girl but she's getting on my nerves already. Put some clothes on.
Uh oh, Rylan's coming over a bit Darth Vader in the Diary Room. Don't go evil, Rylan! I'm counting on your camp humour to win me the big bucks.
Paula's pretending to have a health problem to get out of the basement. I admire her chutzpah. Nice one! She's probably withdrawing off the coconut. You sly old dog. You've got to respect that level of bullshit.
Ok we're onto nominations now. How can they nominate when they've not even met all of them? 'Do not swear.' Not even a please!
Rylan, sacrifice yourself to the basement! It's the only way I'll win my £50. Lacey's got no clothes on again. We need Aaron in here to fix the vote, like when he did over Jay McKay (well, Faye, actually).
Those sofas look nice. I want to sit round there with Rylan. Frankie: 'I'm a man, I can do it.' Yeah cos a woman couldn't take those conditions of a dark TV studio.
Frankie: 'I am standing up.' At least that was funny. What is all this 'it's a man's job' bullshit? This isn't nominations. This is just writing names on an etch a sketch.
Rylan drew a horse, bless. He should have gone down, this is going to count against him! I'm worried now!
Frankie's used to going in crack dens to pick up his coke anyway. Ha, Spencer and Heidi still can't be bothered to go into the garden, they're like part of the Flowers in the Attic dynasty. They need sunlight! Where the hell are they? Are they not even saying hello to Frankie? Their gameplan is nutso!
Frankie digging Heidi and Spencer out for not coming upstairs! He's brave. I wouldn't mess with them. Send Spencer and Heidi upstairs to get rid of them. Toadfish is being a basement martyr, baby!
Heidi's not annoying at ALL, is she? Take her, Lacey and Spencer and drown them in the pool. Why are they all kissing Razor's booty? Just trying to get shot of him, I think.
Well this didn't go the way Big Brother hoped, did it?
Hold that thought! BRILLIANT! Frankie ignored all the toadying and sent Spencer and Heidi up. He just wanted rid of them, didn't he? That was marvelous. Razor's going to be fuming!
AWKWARD! 'Hi, I'm Heidi, nice to meet you.' Eventually.
Rylan's crawling to them! I don't blame him. This is good, this is going to make much better TV than sending Razor up there.
Heidi has got a really annoying voice, too. Be careful jumping on those cushions, Heidi, don't break your face. I'd be after a shower, I think, not the champers. Razor and Toadfish are the nicest people Spencer has ever met? He needs to get out more. Out of the basement! And into the ether. Let the games begin.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Launch show
Well, hello there and happy new year. Tonight's the night! And the best part: no Jim Davidson! That could have been a bit awkward after he called Brian 'a shirtlifter' and worse on another reality show, so I'm sure Brian is feeling smug that old Jim was arrested for sex offences, ironically whilst flying into Heathrow to appear on BB. I hate people who talk of karma, but it does seem quite just. On the other hand, Brian is looking quite botoxed, so not sure he could have frowned at Jim anyway.
Hmm, not sure about this 'theme' stuff - it normally interrupts the flow of things.
First up, Frankie Dettori, jockey and cockhead. Has he got 'little man syndrome'? We'll soon find out. 'One minute of madness.' Yeah, right. Just one line was it? Wasn't that the same excuse Frankie Cocozza gave? Is this the best they could do for the first housemate? We all know sportspeople have no personality.
Christ, look at the crowd, it's like Shaun of the Dead.
Yay, Rylan! Now we're talking. It might be worth putting a few quid on Rylan, you know, who could beat him? He's funny as fuck. I'll never get over his anecdote about being mugged by a fox; just pure poetry. I'm so glad they put him in. Are some people actually booing Rylan? You homophobes. My boyfriend just honestly went 'who's this child' about Frankie Dettori still standing on stage. I think they might get on well.
So Rylan and Frankie get to choose who goes in the basement; well JLC is first up, if he's going in the house. I'm in the basement, you're in the sky, etc.
When Rylan's having to explain a task to someone, you know you're in trouble. The Diary Room chair looks like the Streetcars chair in Corrie, like someone's just chucked an old rug on it.
Morrissey wrote a song about this situation: 'I feel too cold... and then I feel too warm again.' Actually, on second thoughts, this task doesn't seem too bad. So Rylan and Frankie choose out of pairs who gets to live in luxury and who lives in squalor. It depends who they pair them up with, I suppose.
Frankie's strategy is to 'see how the celebrities walk'. Rylan: 'if they're horrible, fuck 'em off.' Sounds like a better strategy.
So Paula Hamilton is up next. She's barely a celebrity. Didn't she drunk drive into a tree recently, and said she was going out to get Lemsip or some shit. 'Boris is a coconut and I speak to him.' WTF. Don't 'summon yourself up', Paula. She's like a poor man's Stephanie Beecham or Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's mum. Lemsip, Beechams, what's next? Send this bitch to the basement. She's got Del Boy's jacket on so she'll be warm in that basement.
Who the fuck is Trisha Penrose? Is this Jim Davidson's replacement? This is a fucking barrel scrape. She needs to put some Spanx on. Some people shouldn't wear body-con dresses (and I'm one of them). She looks like mutton dressed as offal. I don't remember her from Corrie. Good friends with Denise Welch? I wouldn't admit to that, the old lush.
The basement is probably what Paula Hamilton's crack den looks like anyway.
I love Rylan's turn of phrase: 'this is just muggy.' Big Brother: 'they are both bubbly.' Well, Paula's not that fat. Rylan: 'we're fucking sorry about this.' Say it how it is.
They've got name badges on, I'm sure they don't normally have them, it's like an episode of Deal or No Deal.
At least Paula's jacket will keep her warm. That tap dripping would drive me fucking nuts. She won't be laughing for too long.
What's the betting either Frankie or Rylan have to go to the basement, too? I think Rylan will nominate himself if it comes to it.
Toadfish times. You can't trust a man who stays in a soap for 18 years, it's like Ken Barlow. He looks skinnier than I remember. That car crash looked good. I hope he doesn't say 'ay' at the end of every sentence like the housemates on Big Brother Australia. I can't imagine him being that interesting. So his name is Ryan Maloney. I'd rather see Toad from Mario Kart or Christopher Maloney in there.
Next up is Gillian Taylforth, also known as Ian Beale's mum, reminiscing about her wonderful rape storyline. What about her wonderful getting caught giving her husband a blowjob in a lay-by storyline? Oh no, that was real life. She looks quite good actually, she obviously has a good surgeon. I used to think she was good in Footballers' Wives. LOL to Frankie calling Gillian 'Kathy'. I'm surprised they sent Toadfish down. I think Frankie just wants to meet Kathy. I could see these two harridans getting on (Gillian and Trisha).
Paula couldn't even be bothered to get up when Toadfish came in. Ha, she thought he was a member of staff. 'I'm an actor'. Can you call yourself an actor when you've played the same role for 18 years?
My boyfriend is whittling about the format but it's no worse than the normal slog of the launch show.
Fucking hell, man someone who was in Corrie when he was 10. Sam Robertson. I've watched Corrie all my life and I don't recognise him. Is he the fill in for Jim Davidson? It's hard to choose, isn't it. Terrible line-up. Really poor. He's not bad looking but I bet he's boring as fuck.
Lacy Banghard. I'm guessing she's a porn star? Just a hunch. She's quite cute, but I find the glamour models so dull. Still, the Playboy twins last year broke the mould by having personalities, and interesting ones at that.
I think Sam fancies himself the most. Brian can't hear what's going on - oh dear. Rylan wants Sam upstairs! Haha, outvoted. Lacy looks pleased as punch. It would probably have been more fun to see her suffer. 'Hi, I'm Lacy Banghard, how do you do?'
So far I have recognised less than half of these people. 12 seems like a bit of a tight number of celebrities too, I'm sure they have more.
Next up is Claire Richards. At least she's famous. She seems like a right moody bitch in all those Steps reality shows. Lets hope she's less of a fence-sitting little sniveling bore than her bandmate H who stood back and watched Shilpa Shetty get racially abused when not moonlighting as Donny Tourette's stepladder. She's my favourite member of Steps though, if it was Lisa Scott-Lee or Faye 'HR' Tozier I couldn't bear to watch. My boyfriend is commenting unkindly on her size, but we've just got a new TV and I think it's making her look a bit squashed. She has got murder gloves on. I like her hair colour. I think she's really pretty.
Neil Razor Ruddock. He's another wife-beater, isn't he? He's definitely a sexist prick. Another fat, gross sportsperson. Just stick him, Gazza and Phil Tuffnell in a blender and we'll be done. We don't need another Vinnie Jones, thanks. Send this cunt to the basement. I knew Rylan would want to meet Claire. LOL, Frankie doesn't like Razor.
It's all women in the house, it's like when they all waited for Ziggy and Brian Belo to arrive. It's like a really rubbish hen party.
Lastly, it's Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I know nothing about them except he's a knob and she mutilated herself beyond words. I think these two will actually be good value. Unlike almost everyone else we've seen so far. Why is he wearing that camo gear? I think he's prepared for the basement. Are they counting as one housemate or two? Why had no one done the back of her hair? He's really fucking ugly. I think I'm going to love to hate him. Did Heidi just call Rylan 'a big popstar'?
Ha, Rylan and Frankie sent Heidi and Spencer to the basement together rather than take their place there. I don't bloody blame them! Spencer is mad. Frankie: 'there's plenty of shit coming on the horizon.' Spencer is going to be a great villain, I think. Married three times? Publicity whores!
Rylan on Heidi: 'she seemed half decent, she's had a lot done, but good luck to her.' Ha!
I want to put £50 on Rylan. I'm sure his odds are awful as he's probably the deadest cert since Mad Pete, but really, who could beat him?
No need to play Florence at the end to compound the misery. Depending on how long they're in the basement, it could really make a difference to the outcome, I hope they don't drag it out too much, I hate it when they do that with tasks.
Now where the fuck were Justin Lee Collins and Meatloaf?
This will all be extrapolated on further on our silly podcast, if you care to listen at in an hour or two, you can click on it, just on the right there. *points* Goodnight!
Hmm, not sure about this 'theme' stuff - it normally interrupts the flow of things.
First up, Frankie Dettori, jockey and cockhead. Has he got 'little man syndrome'? We'll soon find out. 'One minute of madness.' Yeah, right. Just one line was it? Wasn't that the same excuse Frankie Cocozza gave? Is this the best they could do for the first housemate? We all know sportspeople have no personality.
Christ, look at the crowd, it's like Shaun of the Dead.
Yay, Rylan! Now we're talking. It might be worth putting a few quid on Rylan, you know, who could beat him? He's funny as fuck. I'll never get over his anecdote about being mugged by a fox; just pure poetry. I'm so glad they put him in. Are some people actually booing Rylan? You homophobes. My boyfriend just honestly went 'who's this child' about Frankie Dettori still standing on stage. I think they might get on well.
So Rylan and Frankie get to choose who goes in the basement; well JLC is first up, if he's going in the house. I'm in the basement, you're in the sky, etc.
When Rylan's having to explain a task to someone, you know you're in trouble. The Diary Room chair looks like the Streetcars chair in Corrie, like someone's just chucked an old rug on it.
Morrissey wrote a song about this situation: 'I feel too cold... and then I feel too warm again.' Actually, on second thoughts, this task doesn't seem too bad. So Rylan and Frankie choose out of pairs who gets to live in luxury and who lives in squalor. It depends who they pair them up with, I suppose.
Frankie's strategy is to 'see how the celebrities walk'. Rylan: 'if they're horrible, fuck 'em off.' Sounds like a better strategy.
So Paula Hamilton is up next. She's barely a celebrity. Didn't she drunk drive into a tree recently, and said she was going out to get Lemsip or some shit. 'Boris is a coconut and I speak to him.' WTF. Don't 'summon yourself up', Paula. She's like a poor man's Stephanie Beecham or Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's mum. Lemsip, Beechams, what's next? Send this bitch to the basement. She's got Del Boy's jacket on so she'll be warm in that basement.
Who the fuck is Trisha Penrose? Is this Jim Davidson's replacement? This is a fucking barrel scrape. She needs to put some Spanx on. Some people shouldn't wear body-con dresses (and I'm one of them). She looks like mutton dressed as offal. I don't remember her from Corrie. Good friends with Denise Welch? I wouldn't admit to that, the old lush.
The basement is probably what Paula Hamilton's crack den looks like anyway.
I love Rylan's turn of phrase: 'this is just muggy.' Big Brother: 'they are both bubbly.' Well, Paula's not that fat. Rylan: 'we're fucking sorry about this.' Say it how it is.
They've got name badges on, I'm sure they don't normally have them, it's like an episode of Deal or No Deal.
At least Paula's jacket will keep her warm. That tap dripping would drive me fucking nuts. She won't be laughing for too long.
What's the betting either Frankie or Rylan have to go to the basement, too? I think Rylan will nominate himself if it comes to it.
Toadfish times. You can't trust a man who stays in a soap for 18 years, it's like Ken Barlow. He looks skinnier than I remember. That car crash looked good. I hope he doesn't say 'ay' at the end of every sentence like the housemates on Big Brother Australia. I can't imagine him being that interesting. So his name is Ryan Maloney. I'd rather see Toad from Mario Kart or Christopher Maloney in there.
Next up is Gillian Taylforth, also known as Ian Beale's mum, reminiscing about her wonderful rape storyline. What about her wonderful getting caught giving her husband a blowjob in a lay-by storyline? Oh no, that was real life. She looks quite good actually, she obviously has a good surgeon. I used to think she was good in Footballers' Wives. LOL to Frankie calling Gillian 'Kathy'. I'm surprised they sent Toadfish down. I think Frankie just wants to meet Kathy. I could see these two harridans getting on (Gillian and Trisha).
Paula couldn't even be bothered to get up when Toadfish came in. Ha, she thought he was a member of staff. 'I'm an actor'. Can you call yourself an actor when you've played the same role for 18 years?
My boyfriend is whittling about the format but it's no worse than the normal slog of the launch show.
Fucking hell, man someone who was in Corrie when he was 10. Sam Robertson. I've watched Corrie all my life and I don't recognise him. Is he the fill in for Jim Davidson? It's hard to choose, isn't it. Terrible line-up. Really poor. He's not bad looking but I bet he's boring as fuck.
Lacy Banghard. I'm guessing she's a porn star? Just a hunch. She's quite cute, but I find the glamour models so dull. Still, the Playboy twins last year broke the mould by having personalities, and interesting ones at that.
I think Sam fancies himself the most. Brian can't hear what's going on - oh dear. Rylan wants Sam upstairs! Haha, outvoted. Lacy looks pleased as punch. It would probably have been more fun to see her suffer. 'Hi, I'm Lacy Banghard, how do you do?'
So far I have recognised less than half of these people. 12 seems like a bit of a tight number of celebrities too, I'm sure they have more.
Next up is Claire Richards. At least she's famous. She seems like a right moody bitch in all those Steps reality shows. Lets hope she's less of a fence-sitting little sniveling bore than her bandmate H who stood back and watched Shilpa Shetty get racially abused when not moonlighting as Donny Tourette's stepladder. She's my favourite member of Steps though, if it was Lisa Scott-Lee or Faye 'HR' Tozier I couldn't bear to watch. My boyfriend is commenting unkindly on her size, but we've just got a new TV and I think it's making her look a bit squashed. She has got murder gloves on. I like her hair colour. I think she's really pretty.
Neil Razor Ruddock. He's another wife-beater, isn't he? He's definitely a sexist prick. Another fat, gross sportsperson. Just stick him, Gazza and Phil Tuffnell in a blender and we'll be done. We don't need another Vinnie Jones, thanks. Send this cunt to the basement. I knew Rylan would want to meet Claire. LOL, Frankie doesn't like Razor.
It's all women in the house, it's like when they all waited for Ziggy and Brian Belo to arrive. It's like a really rubbish hen party.
Lastly, it's Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I know nothing about them except he's a knob and she mutilated herself beyond words. I think these two will actually be good value. Unlike almost everyone else we've seen so far. Why is he wearing that camo gear? I think he's prepared for the basement. Are they counting as one housemate or two? Why had no one done the back of her hair? He's really fucking ugly. I think I'm going to love to hate him. Did Heidi just call Rylan 'a big popstar'?
Ha, Rylan and Frankie sent Heidi and Spencer to the basement together rather than take their place there. I don't bloody blame them! Spencer is mad. Frankie: 'there's plenty of shit coming on the horizon.' Spencer is going to be a great villain, I think. Married three times? Publicity whores!
Rylan on Heidi: 'she seemed half decent, she's had a lot done, but good luck to her.' Ha!
I want to put £50 on Rylan. I'm sure his odds are awful as he's probably the deadest cert since Mad Pete, but really, who could beat him?
No need to play Florence at the end to compound the misery. Depending on how long they're in the basement, it could really make a difference to the outcome, I hope they don't drag it out too much, I hate it when they do that with tasks.
Now where the fuck were Justin Lee Collins and Meatloaf?
This will all be extrapolated on further on our silly podcast, if you care to listen at in an hour or two, you can click on it, just on the right there. *points* Goodnight!
Monday, 31 December 2012
Top of the Pops New Years Eve
I've written that title just as they have on the TV listing; no need for commas, dashes, or any other punctuation when you have offcuts from the dried old turkey you served us up on Christmas day to try and stuff down our neck again. It's all new stuff? Don't kid a kidder.
Oh yeah, here's Girls Aloud. At least they're doing the one with a tune this time. I mean, it has a tune compared to the other one, not to something actually with a tune.
So, I have to tell you, I'm not going out tonight. My boyfriend is working, my best friend is pregnant, and other offers haven't exactly been flying in (can't think why). So here's what I'm gonna do: get up at 7am when my boyfriend gets in and celebrate New Year then. We'll probably have midnight about midday. So I'll be tucked up before any fireworks go off tonight. I'll tape all the rubbish TV, shut the curtains and just watch it all tomorrow. It could be a LONG day. Or a short, messy one.
Anyway, less about my personal life, here's Ellie Goulding. Was she on the Xmas day show? I don't remember seeing her enormous face there. An undercut does not a popstar make. Oh, she's forgotten to put her trousers on like Arg in the live TOWIE (disclaimer: I do not watch TOWIE, just watched 5 minutes to see what the hoo ha was about). ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! sings Ellie. Except for the BBC being called into account for aiding and abetting a paedophile for a few decades. And a decent song coming on this TOTP. Apart from those two things, anything could happen.
I'm drinking and eating chocolate now, so I guess NYE has begun, even if it's my stunted little gnarled version of it. Just spoke to my best friend on the phone and she's going to bed now because she's got to get up at 4am to go to work, so things could be worse. Her boyfriend is staying in too. We're a useless lot!
LOL, Script dude who looks like Peter Andre is talking in an American accent. This song made me bellow with laughter the first and only time I heard it before this. You can be an astronaut... it's like this prick and Will.i.am are your primary school careers advisor. Go work in a call centre instead. Is Willy going to beam in? Hologram? Or just a sick note? YOU CAN BE A CHAMPION. 'Be truth seekers' is my favourite line. Has William been going on about UFOs again? Don't go to McDonalds with him, he nearly did a Brian Harvey on Cheryl Cole last time. If you like this song, go to the doctors. Your marbles have fallen out.
They are mentioning some singers who died this year. Don't suppose I should make a joke about that. Jubilee; blah, lizard queen, blah. Next. I want to say something funny about Reggie and Fearne but there's nothing to say. They're so bland they make my humour chip dry up.
Oh Christ, it's pop's sourest female talent judge, Tulisa. Who is writing her tweets? She's completely illiterate. Is it OK for her to make death threats etc on there? Good example! That and the bag snatching. Great choice of the new 'nations sweetheart', Simon. This song is equally catchy and annoying like Saturday Night by Whigfield. This isn't her sort of music. Where's the URBAN? Louis Walsh is going to turn on, think that's urban, and get all confused and unnecessary. I went to Ibiza this year and playing in the clubs were Tulisa, Kaiser Chiefs and Sting. And here ends that sentence.
Next up, the Macabees. These do seem to be different bands to who were on the Xmas day show, well except Girls Aloud. Who are the Macabees? Have I even spelt that right? The Macabees, The Vaccines, Ed Sheeran, it's all just music for people who don't like music, not like that good stuff we used to have, like Marion and Mansun and Menswear. Not sure this guy's hair is naturally jet black. His barnet is like Nick Cave meets Steve McDonald. Now there's a collision Street Cars aren't insured for. Maca-blees. Imagine going to their gig? I'd rather go to Tulisa's. NEXT!
Now for Taylor Swift, who's not really there. This song is catchy, catchier than a zombie virus. I put in the same box as that Call Me Maybe bullshit. You'll be singing it later, but you'll want to stab yourself in the eye for it. I can never quite get over her teeth. She looks like Bugs Bunny. I know they've got dentists in America, because they did Brandon's veneers, right? Does anyone REALLY believe she's fucking Harry Styles? That kid's got more beards than a Father Christmas convention. It makes me sick the way magazines sexualise One Direction. THEY ARE CHILDREN. They might be barely legal but it's still fucking sick. The talking bit in this song makes me cringe, too. 'I was like, whatever.' Yeah, whatever, Taylor, stop sleeping around, who do you think you are, Rhianna? Of course, it's alright for Harry Styles, because he's a man, and he's gay anyway, so it's not really happening. Come back Jonas Brothers, all is forgiven. I do like the Breaking Bad parody of this song, though, and it makes me go 'ooh, Heisenberg' whenever I hear it, so it's not all nuclear war and famine.
Who the fuck are Stooshy? Stooshe?! Is that Emile Sande again, smuggling herself back in under false pretences. 'Daddy, I'm falling for a monster, he's scaring me to death, he's big and he's bad, he's the best I've ever had'. Please tell me I just hallucinated those lyrics. Fuck, I'm going to have to pause and go and get a vodka. Is this like a doo wop song about domestic violence? These lyrics are creepier than 'He hit me and it felt like a kiss'. Plus, why would you tell your parents 'he's the best I ever had'? TMI! Need to know basis! One just screeched at the end 'he got a dirty black heart'. There's probably an explicit version of this song. This is fucked in the head. Agog.
Next up, Tiny 'he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house' Tempah and Calvin 'boring' Harris. This is dance music for people too thick to work out how to find where any proper dance music resides online. 'Tonight we're drinking from the bottle!' Yeah, probably other people's. At least Tiny seems to have a sense of humour, what with those clothes and everything. Calvin (worst popstar name ever) just seems to have got lost on his way to accounts. What a knob twiddler. This song is making me SO GLAD I'm not going out tonight. People. Tubes. Music. Urgh. Just pass the valium and let's sleep through the lot of it.
Next up is Arlissa, or Shakira with no trousers on, if you prefer. I don't.
Oh fucking hell, it's Robbie Williams again. Thanks for making the last part of 2012 unbearable, you fat odious fuckface. He also ruined the first few seconds of the new Millennium for me, as the club I was in (Passion!) played a dance version of, you guessed it, Millennium. Motherfuckers. Oh well, his lyrics are always a good laugh. He looks jaundiced. Hopefully he's dying. I know it sounds harsh, but if it was him or Gary hanging off a cliff, you know who you'd save. You know!
What has he got in his hand? Is he conducting? Imagine being in Robbie Williams' backing band. You'd honestly be better off working in an abattoir, wouldn't you? It would be less morally abhorrent.
This song doesn't even have any funny lyrics, it's just blahblahblahblah. Go fish those bodies out of the Bodhi tree, you fucking tortoise.
Ah, finally. I like this Rita Ora song. I never used to admit I liked any pop music, this year I've actually confessed to a few guilty pleasures. My boyfriend likes Diamonds by Rhianna but only the 'shine bright like a diamond' backing bit. Rita's looking a bit more presentable tonight, but still a bit like she's wearing a 6-year-old's quilt cover. Rita. It's not exactly a rock and roll name, is it? Next up, it's Mavis with Deathsticks!
Next up are the Rizzle Kicks. I've got a bad feeling about this. I thought Rizzle Kicks was a person, like Dizzie Rascal. Oh Lord, there's a onesie, and a Burberry scarf. Mama do the hump? Fuck off.
And now James Arthur is back again, reanimated. Have they fixed his teeth yet? No, it's just the same performance they showed on Christmas Day. Oh, so he did finally get to number one. Knocked those poor dead children off the top spot did you, hey, Cowell? I hope you're pleased with yourself. Happy New Year, you bastard.
Oh yeah, here's Girls Aloud. At least they're doing the one with a tune this time. I mean, it has a tune compared to the other one, not to something actually with a tune.
So, I have to tell you, I'm not going out tonight. My boyfriend is working, my best friend is pregnant, and other offers haven't exactly been flying in (can't think why). So here's what I'm gonna do: get up at 7am when my boyfriend gets in and celebrate New Year then. We'll probably have midnight about midday. So I'll be tucked up before any fireworks go off tonight. I'll tape all the rubbish TV, shut the curtains and just watch it all tomorrow. It could be a LONG day. Or a short, messy one.
Anyway, less about my personal life, here's Ellie Goulding. Was she on the Xmas day show? I don't remember seeing her enormous face there. An undercut does not a popstar make. Oh, she's forgotten to put her trousers on like Arg in the live TOWIE (disclaimer: I do not watch TOWIE, just watched 5 minutes to see what the hoo ha was about). ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! sings Ellie. Except for the BBC being called into account for aiding and abetting a paedophile for a few decades. And a decent song coming on this TOTP. Apart from those two things, anything could happen.
I'm drinking and eating chocolate now, so I guess NYE has begun, even if it's my stunted little gnarled version of it. Just spoke to my best friend on the phone and she's going to bed now because she's got to get up at 4am to go to work, so things could be worse. Her boyfriend is staying in too. We're a useless lot!
LOL, Script dude who looks like Peter Andre is talking in an American accent. This song made me bellow with laughter the first and only time I heard it before this. You can be an astronaut... it's like this prick and Will.i.am are your primary school careers advisor. Go work in a call centre instead. Is Willy going to beam in? Hologram? Or just a sick note? YOU CAN BE A CHAMPION. 'Be truth seekers' is my favourite line. Has William been going on about UFOs again? Don't go to McDonalds with him, he nearly did a Brian Harvey on Cheryl Cole last time. If you like this song, go to the doctors. Your marbles have fallen out.
They are mentioning some singers who died this year. Don't suppose I should make a joke about that. Jubilee; blah, lizard queen, blah. Next. I want to say something funny about Reggie and Fearne but there's nothing to say. They're so bland they make my humour chip dry up.
Oh Christ, it's pop's sourest female talent judge, Tulisa. Who is writing her tweets? She's completely illiterate. Is it OK for her to make death threats etc on there? Good example! That and the bag snatching. Great choice of the new 'nations sweetheart', Simon. This song is equally catchy and annoying like Saturday Night by Whigfield. This isn't her sort of music. Where's the URBAN? Louis Walsh is going to turn on, think that's urban, and get all confused and unnecessary. I went to Ibiza this year and playing in the clubs were Tulisa, Kaiser Chiefs and Sting. And here ends that sentence.
Next up, the Macabees. These do seem to be different bands to who were on the Xmas day show, well except Girls Aloud. Who are the Macabees? Have I even spelt that right? The Macabees, The Vaccines, Ed Sheeran, it's all just music for people who don't like music, not like that good stuff we used to have, like Marion and Mansun and Menswear. Not sure this guy's hair is naturally jet black. His barnet is like Nick Cave meets Steve McDonald. Now there's a collision Street Cars aren't insured for. Maca-blees. Imagine going to their gig? I'd rather go to Tulisa's. NEXT!
Now for Taylor Swift, who's not really there. This song is catchy, catchier than a zombie virus. I put in the same box as that Call Me Maybe bullshit. You'll be singing it later, but you'll want to stab yourself in the eye for it. I can never quite get over her teeth. She looks like Bugs Bunny. I know they've got dentists in America, because they did Brandon's veneers, right? Does anyone REALLY believe she's fucking Harry Styles? That kid's got more beards than a Father Christmas convention. It makes me sick the way magazines sexualise One Direction. THEY ARE CHILDREN. They might be barely legal but it's still fucking sick. The talking bit in this song makes me cringe, too. 'I was like, whatever.' Yeah, whatever, Taylor, stop sleeping around, who do you think you are, Rhianna? Of course, it's alright for Harry Styles, because he's a man, and he's gay anyway, so it's not really happening. Come back Jonas Brothers, all is forgiven. I do like the Breaking Bad parody of this song, though, and it makes me go 'ooh, Heisenberg' whenever I hear it, so it's not all nuclear war and famine.
Who the fuck are Stooshy? Stooshe?! Is that Emile Sande again, smuggling herself back in under false pretences. 'Daddy, I'm falling for a monster, he's scaring me to death, he's big and he's bad, he's the best I've ever had'. Please tell me I just hallucinated those lyrics. Fuck, I'm going to have to pause and go and get a vodka. Is this like a doo wop song about domestic violence? These lyrics are creepier than 'He hit me and it felt like a kiss'. Plus, why would you tell your parents 'he's the best I ever had'? TMI! Need to know basis! One just screeched at the end 'he got a dirty black heart'. There's probably an explicit version of this song. This is fucked in the head. Agog.
Next up, Tiny 'he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house' Tempah and Calvin 'boring' Harris. This is dance music for people too thick to work out how to find where any proper dance music resides online. 'Tonight we're drinking from the bottle!' Yeah, probably other people's. At least Tiny seems to have a sense of humour, what with those clothes and everything. Calvin (worst popstar name ever) just seems to have got lost on his way to accounts. What a knob twiddler. This song is making me SO GLAD I'm not going out tonight. People. Tubes. Music. Urgh. Just pass the valium and let's sleep through the lot of it.
Next up is Arlissa, or Shakira with no trousers on, if you prefer. I don't.
Oh fucking hell, it's Robbie Williams again. Thanks for making the last part of 2012 unbearable, you fat odious fuckface. He also ruined the first few seconds of the new Millennium for me, as the club I was in (Passion!) played a dance version of, you guessed it, Millennium. Motherfuckers. Oh well, his lyrics are always a good laugh. He looks jaundiced. Hopefully he's dying. I know it sounds harsh, but if it was him or Gary hanging off a cliff, you know who you'd save. You know!
What has he got in his hand? Is he conducting? Imagine being in Robbie Williams' backing band. You'd honestly be better off working in an abattoir, wouldn't you? It would be less morally abhorrent.
This song doesn't even have any funny lyrics, it's just blahblahblahblah. Go fish those bodies out of the Bodhi tree, you fucking tortoise.
Ah, finally. I like this Rita Ora song. I never used to admit I liked any pop music, this year I've actually confessed to a few guilty pleasures. My boyfriend likes Diamonds by Rhianna but only the 'shine bright like a diamond' backing bit. Rita's looking a bit more presentable tonight, but still a bit like she's wearing a 6-year-old's quilt cover. Rita. It's not exactly a rock and roll name, is it? Next up, it's Mavis with Deathsticks!
Next up are the Rizzle Kicks. I've got a bad feeling about this. I thought Rizzle Kicks was a person, like Dizzie Rascal. Oh Lord, there's a onesie, and a Burberry scarf. Mama do the hump? Fuck off.
And now James Arthur is back again, reanimated. Have they fixed his teeth yet? No, it's just the same performance they showed on Christmas Day. Oh, so he did finally get to number one. Knocked those poor dead children off the top spot did you, hey, Cowell? I hope you're pleased with yourself. Happy New Year, you bastard.
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Top of the Pops Christmas 2012
Well here we are with Exitainment's inaugural Christmas TOTP blog and I hope Fearne and Reggie are going to give a full apology at the start of the show. No not for Jimmy Savile, but for the appalling music coming up.
Oh Christ, I hate it when they tell me what's next, it makes me despair. First up, Robbie Williams. My boyfriend insists this song is Ring of Roses. Oh, he even says it. This is entirely tuneless. This fat cunt can't sing a note. Has he been smoking crack? I'd rather watch Gary Barlow duet with Christopher Maloney again. My boyfriend said Gary co-wrote this as 'industrial sabotage'. The audience looks like a bad hen do, it's like they've made sure everyone's over 40 in case of any misunderstandings. I can safely say that's the worst Robbie Williams song ever released. It makes Rudebox sound like Everyday is like Sunday.
So, Call Me Maybe is rubbish except for the chorus. Did anyone order a female Justin Beiber? Take it back, then. The audience are too old to have heard of this song, but at least no one will get molested, except maybe Carly Rae thingybob.
Conor Maynard is like an uglier Justin Beiber, if that was possible. I don't know who this little prick is, but he's got a very punchable face. He looks like Toby Maguire pre-plastic surgery. This is completely TUNELESS. FUCK OFF. This has gone on about 5 minutes longer than it should have.
My boyfriend is shocked they've not changed the logo or renamed it TOTPv2 or something. They truly are shameless. Fearne: apologise immediately. On your knees. Reggie, keep your hands in your pockets.
Paloma Faith is just a walking car boot sale on legs. Why is she dragging Michael Hutchence's dead body out of the closet for Christmas? Let Peaches and Astile enjoy Christmas in peace. I didn't know Paloma thing even sang, I thought she just made a career out of getting on 'worst dressed' lists. That personality is completely put on, too. I've seen more authentic Ray-Bien sunglasses.
My boyfriend: 'Is Fearne pregnant?' No, she's just gobbled up a passing baby.
Sam and the Womp? Have I missed something? Has Bjork fallen on hard times? Ali G has turned up in his Jim'll fix it tracksuit, that's in poor taste. I have never heard this song before in my life. Hopefully I'll never hear it again. You have to respect a fringe that short, though. Please get that trumpet off my screen. Come back 2 Unlimited, all is forgiven.
Oh fuck, someone's reanimated Florence. She isn't dead? Why does she look like that, then? I'd rather be locked in a room and forced to listen to Enya for three weeks than listen to this bullshit. Where's the machine? Probably keeping an old lady alive over Christmas. Anyone who likes this kind of music will be first against the wall in my new world order. How old is Florence now? 26? In dog years, maybe.
Coldplay are being beamed in from a nuclear bunker. Apple's gone a bit mad with the magic markers. There's an elephant in the room: it ain't the only one! This song is shit. My boyfriend has just hid his head under a blanket.
Next up: Girls Aloud. Watch them not show Sarah Harding's face once cos its too busted. Kimberley is my favourite. This song is boring. The other one they've got out is better. There's a lot of ombré on that stage. 'I'm beautiful cos you love me'. You're dumped. What now? Girl power!
Has Rita Ora sorted out her fashion sense since X Factor? She's going 'huh!' like Jessie J. She's got foil pyjamas on. Also unflattering. Stick her in the oven. I like one of her songs. Not this one, though. Still, now we've got her, can we drown Jessie J?
What is 'rudimental feat John Newman'? What sort of music is this? He looks like some prick off Towie. He sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. Now someone in a Christmas jumper is playing a trumpet. Makes you pine for the lizard Queen's speech. There's a lot of people on that stage. All arseholes.
Reggie Yates: 'the power of love... ask your mum.' Patronising prick. You don't know when I was born! This is another song off a fucking advert. Why is there a guitar/bass-player there? The power of sludge. Fuck you po-faced snowmen and insipid girl. This is making me sleepy. My boyfriend's verdict: 'this makes me want to go in John Lewis and smash some shit up'.
Payphone! I think Payphone is my song of the year. I'm not even joking. Script dude and Will.i.am, not so much.
Has James Arthur had his teeth fixed? Nah, not yet. At least he's growing his hair out a bit now. I like this song! I think it's quite catchy.
I did enjoy The Killers Runaways song this year, too. I like Brandon when the vein in his neck is throbbing like he's just had words with Richard Dawkins. No sign of him here, though.
Argh, what is it with this Emily Sande agenda? Who are her fans? What sort of music is this? I feel oppressed by its averageness.
So James Arthur didnt even get Christmas number one? Haven't the people of Hillsborough suffered enough? Bland Aid. Ugh, what was the criteria for getting people to sing this song, Northern and a prick? And then pops up Fab Macca. Enough said. I'm pleased about the justice. No need to inflict this on us, too, though.
My mum's boyfriend has got some morphine patches. I think it might be time to slap on 17 of them. Merry Christmas.
Oh Christ, I hate it when they tell me what's next, it makes me despair. First up, Robbie Williams. My boyfriend insists this song is Ring of Roses. Oh, he even says it. This is entirely tuneless. This fat cunt can't sing a note. Has he been smoking crack? I'd rather watch Gary Barlow duet with Christopher Maloney again. My boyfriend said Gary co-wrote this as 'industrial sabotage'. The audience looks like a bad hen do, it's like they've made sure everyone's over 40 in case of any misunderstandings. I can safely say that's the worst Robbie Williams song ever released. It makes Rudebox sound like Everyday is like Sunday.
So, Call Me Maybe is rubbish except for the chorus. Did anyone order a female Justin Beiber? Take it back, then. The audience are too old to have heard of this song, but at least no one will get molested, except maybe Carly Rae thingybob.
Conor Maynard is like an uglier Justin Beiber, if that was possible. I don't know who this little prick is, but he's got a very punchable face. He looks like Toby Maguire pre-plastic surgery. This is completely TUNELESS. FUCK OFF. This has gone on about 5 minutes longer than it should have.
My boyfriend is shocked they've not changed the logo or renamed it TOTPv2 or something. They truly are shameless. Fearne: apologise immediately. On your knees. Reggie, keep your hands in your pockets.
Paloma Faith is just a walking car boot sale on legs. Why is she dragging Michael Hutchence's dead body out of the closet for Christmas? Let Peaches and Astile enjoy Christmas in peace. I didn't know Paloma thing even sang, I thought she just made a career out of getting on 'worst dressed' lists. That personality is completely put on, too. I've seen more authentic Ray-Bien sunglasses.
My boyfriend: 'Is Fearne pregnant?' No, she's just gobbled up a passing baby.
Sam and the Womp? Have I missed something? Has Bjork fallen on hard times? Ali G has turned up in his Jim'll fix it tracksuit, that's in poor taste. I have never heard this song before in my life. Hopefully I'll never hear it again. You have to respect a fringe that short, though. Please get that trumpet off my screen. Come back 2 Unlimited, all is forgiven.
Oh fuck, someone's reanimated Florence. She isn't dead? Why does she look like that, then? I'd rather be locked in a room and forced to listen to Enya for three weeks than listen to this bullshit. Where's the machine? Probably keeping an old lady alive over Christmas. Anyone who likes this kind of music will be first against the wall in my new world order. How old is Florence now? 26? In dog years, maybe.
Coldplay are being beamed in from a nuclear bunker. Apple's gone a bit mad with the magic markers. There's an elephant in the room: it ain't the only one! This song is shit. My boyfriend has just hid his head under a blanket.
Next up: Girls Aloud. Watch them not show Sarah Harding's face once cos its too busted. Kimberley is my favourite. This song is boring. The other one they've got out is better. There's a lot of ombré on that stage. 'I'm beautiful cos you love me'. You're dumped. What now? Girl power!
Has Rita Ora sorted out her fashion sense since X Factor? She's going 'huh!' like Jessie J. She's got foil pyjamas on. Also unflattering. Stick her in the oven. I like one of her songs. Not this one, though. Still, now we've got her, can we drown Jessie J?
What is 'rudimental feat John Newman'? What sort of music is this? He looks like some prick off Towie. He sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. Now someone in a Christmas jumper is playing a trumpet. Makes you pine for the lizard Queen's speech. There's a lot of people on that stage. All arseholes.
Reggie Yates: 'the power of love... ask your mum.' Patronising prick. You don't know when I was born! This is another song off a fucking advert. Why is there a guitar/bass-player there? The power of sludge. Fuck you po-faced snowmen and insipid girl. This is making me sleepy. My boyfriend's verdict: 'this makes me want to go in John Lewis and smash some shit up'.
Payphone! I think Payphone is my song of the year. I'm not even joking. Script dude and Will.i.am, not so much.
Has James Arthur had his teeth fixed? Nah, not yet. At least he's growing his hair out a bit now. I like this song! I think it's quite catchy.
I did enjoy The Killers Runaways song this year, too. I like Brandon when the vein in his neck is throbbing like he's just had words with Richard Dawkins. No sign of him here, though.
Argh, what is it with this Emily Sande agenda? Who are her fans? What sort of music is this? I feel oppressed by its averageness.
So James Arthur didnt even get Christmas number one? Haven't the people of Hillsborough suffered enough? Bland Aid. Ugh, what was the criteria for getting people to sing this song, Northern and a prick? And then pops up Fab Macca. Enough said. I'm pleased about the justice. No need to inflict this on us, too, though.
My mum's boyfriend has got some morphine patches. I think it might be time to slap on 17 of them. Merry Christmas.
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