Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.

First Aid Kit Girl out now

OK, this is one self-indulgent post about myself and then I'll go back to my normal regime of talking about crap telly.
My novel First Aid Kit Girl is out now, published by The Green Press. You can buy it here, and it will be on Amazon properly soon, I think there's some technical issue or some crap so it's not showing up quite right.

If you like my writing on here, you'll probably like it, as it's more misanthropy, and if you do buy it and like it, please leave me a review on Amazon, I'd be so grateful. It doesn't have to be five stars; be honest!

There's a bit more about what the book is about here on my Extol blog in my Next big thing interview but I  think 'girl meets razorblade meets boy' sums it up best. It's really for anyone who's ever worked in an office and wanted to kill everyone there, which I think is pretty much anyone who's ever worked in an office.

And all stuff related to the book after this will be on Extol which is where my creative stuff lives and not cluttering up Exitainment, as that's not what you come here for. I really do appreciate you reading my blog so much and just love writing, so thanks for reading.

SongPop: A love story

I have a confession to make. My name is lightupvirginmary and I am a SongPop addict. SongPop, for the poor souls who aren't already hooked like drug addict ghouls (like me), is a free app or the iPhone. You can also play it on Facebook. Probably other places, too. Find it. Seek it out. Play! Play me. I'm lightupvirginmary. Or Lightupvirginmary. It's all funny about caps like a pedantic teacher.
So it works like this, they play a little bit of a song and you have four choices to guess what song it is. But wait, you might say, isn't it all pop music? Well that's the good part. There are SO many categories. You have the crap I like; 90s alternative, 2000 rock, grunge, britpop. Then you have the categories I can't stand; jazz, motown, crooners, GLEE. Alternative COUNTRY. NEW AGE. There are some mental categories on there. I like busting out the house, trance and techno (all seemingly the same songs) as no one can remember the names of those songs, as they were all off their heads in the late 90s. Small problem; I can't either. Still, it's good revenge if someone picks the Pro Wrestling category against you.
SongPop used to be relatively simple in that you could play your friends off Facebook, or be randomly matched with some East Coast rap fan from Canada. That was kind of cool. Now they've changed it so you can only choose from 'three best matches' who all boringly have very similar taste to you. I want to try the East Coast rap. I want to try the West Coast rap. I don't want to try the 50s, 60s or 70s, but thems the breaks. It's more fun than playing 'ultimate 90s' each time. I like responding to someone who plays Christian Gospel against me with some Trip Hop.
So I went on the SongPop board and everyone was bitching about it. Why can't we have random matching AND best match? Cos they want to screw coins out of us, I think. BRUTAL. Why can't they let us play in peace? Luckily, you CAN play for free, and you earn coins to buy playlists. If you play 500 games, as I did last week, you can get quite a lot of playlists. And get really fat. I bought the premium app like a junkie cos you can play more games, but I think it was only £1.50 or something.
Anyhow, they've made some further 'improvements' now. At first they put people's location on and gave everyone the wrong location, which was interesting. I think they moved me to Lambeth. Since then they've added 'stats' so you can see who you're most compatible with. You can also see who else your friends are playing and play their friends, so it gets round this 'best match' bullshit a bit. I also joined a Facebook group 'Pop this' where people post their usernames so you can play random people that way. Beat the system! Fuck the police! Etc.
Weirdly, a lot of the strangers I'm playing seem to be playing other strangers I'm playing. And that was before you could see their friends. I think it must have just matched people close together.
The bad side of these new 'improvements' is you can now see who's online (you get a green light) so you get people bitching and moaning and 'nudging' you when you're trying to keep up with your other 75 games. I will take my turn, give me a fucking minute! Personally, I play people in the following order: people I know. People I've been playing for ages. People with cool profile pictures. People I know won't pick Glee. Then I try and even out the number of goes. I'm doing my best, OK? Get off my fucking back already or I'll keep busting out the Bon Jovi category on you, a category in which I have a 50% success rate as I went off them after three albums when I was 12.
Two categories I'm really shit at, if you're planning to play me, are UK TV themes and US TV themes. I'm ABSOLUTELY USELESS at them. I even got BIG BROTHER wrong. Big Brother! I just can't wrap my head around TV themes for some reason. I actually fare better on video games, God knows why.
The best part about SongPop, is there's a good 'cheat'. Basically, if the other person gets the first answer wrong, you can basically just copy their answers for the other four songs, and you win. So you always need to get the first song right. I kind of like the devilment of that. That they can know every other song, but messed up the first one, so HA! That's my tip for the top. Skulduggery.
And finally you can buy playlists from other regions, which is good if you know K-Pop or Spanish or something. That will really fuck up your competitors. Just like when I pick Eurovision! Ha! OMG I just remembered two other bastard categories; classical and National Anthems. Who knows National Anthems except their own? Just plain wrong. 
Anyway, I've been playing SongPop for between 30 minutes and an hour a day, which I think might be a little worrying. I play it in bed too, and end up staying up late... just one more game, just one more fix. Still. I suppose it's better than crack. Scores get totted up on Sundays, so it's important you kick everyone's arse on Sunday. People who are beating you by about 5 points? Don't touch them. Let them have their glory. Concentrate on those you're equal with, or close to. Destroy them.
Oh, the other good thing, is I have good chats on it. Only ONE person has ever come onto me on it (I deleted them immediately - creep). With Scrabble it used to be about one a day. It's really rare to find a game where you chat with strangers and they aren't all misogynistic perverts. On SongPop, it's just friendly chats about music and TV with men and women from all over the world and it's quite nice really. You can laugh at someone for getting something really obvious wrong or lament when you get five wrong in a row. It's all just chilled out and quite relaxing. I think that's the thing about it. It's just down time. And I'm also quite good at it. So I can show off.
I'll probably get fed up with it, like DrawSomething when they over-complicated it. But for the moment, I'm really enjoying it. Oh and if you're reading, developers, can I get a Morrissey and Bright Eyes playlist? And can you make your Brit Pop playlist a bit more relevant (who the fuck are Dawn of the Replicants? Have you heard of Shed Seven?) And can we delete playlists? There's a couple I definitely bought by accident and they need to begone.
And here concludes my first ever blog about an app. Next up: Hello Kitty Cafe. Not really, but it is bloody ace. Haha, I'm not joking! In fact, there's probably some customers that need serving, right now...  Hello Kitty really is a fucking slavedriver.

Big Brother Canada: Save Gary Glitter! (Launch and first eviction)

Hi there! Believe it or not, there's never been a Big Brother Canada but it began last night! So roll up, roll up for Chen-not, Fessie, and the Zingnot. OK so 'not' jokes is all I've got, but I'm getting over laryngitis, and worse, my boyfriend has got manyngitis.
This is starting really well.
From what I've heard it's going to be quite similar to Big Brother US, but hopefully not too similar. Will they have the same music, the stupid key thing, HOH? The same tired old tasks? I hope so!
The music is a bit synthy and the host is called Arisa Cox, which sounds like a prank call Bart Simpson does. She's more Sonia Kruger (BB Australia host) than Chenbot. It's shot all the same way. I wonder what generic stereotypes they'll have? This reminds me more of Big Brother Australia in a way - more cheery. The Have Not room looks alright and the house looks massive. The bedroom is like the BBUK bedroom. They are doing the key thing they do with the US one.
Warning; the following housemate synopsis compares them to both Uk and US housemates willy-nilly. If you haven't done your research, don't blame me. 
Peter = Ian from BBUS. He's from Surrey, haha. He hates everyone - people who eat noisily and people who stand on escalators.Can't argue with that.
Kat reminds me of Natalie from Jessie's year. Alec is like Dan Gheesling.
Aneal - a Big Brother blogger! With a bowtie. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he might be gay.
Danielle - 'big personality' = big boobs. Bubbly. Well, we know what that means. Has dimples.
Suzette: Kinga. She works in a women's shelter.
Talla. Possibly fancies girls.
Jillian - looks like Talla. That's a bit confusing. Says she looks like Sandra Bullock? Notsomuch.
Andrew (and Pete his twin?) Are they going to do an Audrina/twin twist? He is looking for a showmance. Yawn!
AJ - lives with his parents. He's like someone off The Apprentice pretending he's a big shot. I really hope someone's got their strategy drawn in crayon on a piece of paper like Keith.
There's a lot of people in their mid thirties. That's promising. They are getting through them pretty fast.
The host seems nice and quite animated compared to Chenbot.
Liza. Something to do with sunbeds. My boyfriend said she looks rough. That's not very nice.
Tom. Firefighter. Thicko. Doesn't like 'flamboyant people'. Cue flaming homo.
Gary. He's going to good, one way or the other! Gok Wan gone feral. Someone threw glitter at him when he came down the stairs. Gary is so not a gay name. He looks like a pineapple.
Emmett. Do they have rednecks in Canada? He has a gay twin. Twin twist? Emmett and Toma are going to team up in the straight alliance.
Topaz. A dentist. I like it when it black people have blue eyes, it flies in the face of genetics.
What are those teeny bags they've got? Have they got all their stuff in there? Are they Tardises? Tardi? Tardy?
A twist! Shocking. A phone in the house. Don't answer it! It's never good news. I love the gay guys hating on each other already. I like the sofa, too. It seems like they're sponsored by the Canadian Very.
Suzette is a cackletopus. She's like a barrel with lips. You shouldn't have answered that phone. Big Brother sounds stern! I don't think Suzette understands her secret mission. Oh no, she does, she's just doing a cover up job. Oh Christ, SHE'S Head of Household? Ugh. This isn't good news. It's not good news for her either - target! LOL she nominated the straight alliance. Haha. Tom looks MAD. 'Save the boys' - zzz. It was obvious she'd target the boys. It was quite a bold move nominating those two, though.
We're doing the veto already? Bloody hell. I want Tom out! OMG IS IT THE ELECTRIC SHOCK SUITS? Fuck me! It's like six Tinkywinkys. Fuck me, Suzette looks like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh it's not electric shocks. It's popping balloons with a spiky belt. WTF.
This is the sort of task where you see who's willing to smash the shit out of each other. They are humping balloons. That's reasonably low budget.
Oh fuck, can't believe Tom won it. Boooo! Look at the veto! It looks like some bad superhero necklace. Thumbs down.
Second episode! Arisa looks like an oven-ready Mel B.
Suzette's got a letter from home... how long's she been gone, about a week? I'd be pissed off with Gary shaking glitter everywhere. Glitter is a bastard to get off you. 'Gary Glitter' lol. Aneal is a sneaky one! Do they have Gary Glitter in Canada? Let's hope not for the sake of the children. For those not in the know, Gary Glitter is a Uk popstar turned paedophile. Someone once said you know you've slept with me because you end up in a pool of glitter. But that was about 15 years ago.
The memory wall looks tacky as hell. Kat is coming off as a cow, I've seen people overplay their hand in the first few days and it never works out well: keep your head DOWN!
LOL to Suzette calling Kat a bully and toxic. I knew she'd be up because you saw her sitting on stools with Emmett at the start. Who's more toxic, Kat or the glitter?
This Slice channel sounds good. Ice and a slice!
Emmett, I think it might be time to get into the campaigning thing. Handcuff task! I've never seen this task before... how original. I wonder if there'll ever be one unique idea on this show?
Tom reminds me of Cappy from BBUS. And that's not a good thing.
Alec and Topaz got together quick! Must be true love, right? I like both of them, actually.
So a hundred Canadian grand is 64 grand sterling. I suppose with the car and stuff it's the same as ours. That Tom guy is SUCH a homophobe. I can't stand him.
I'm fairly unimpressed with the eviction stools. Is that the best Brick could come up with? How about some eviction thrones? 'Cat ladies first?' Oh, no sorry, 'Kat, ladies first.'
Looks like it's a sheep vote for Kat. The overthrow of the 'Ox and Ram' alliance was the usual flim flam.
Liza broke off from the sheep vote. She could be up for the chop for that. Not good to break out of the pen so early! Best to join the lemmings. Ah... my boyfriend thinks she did it to it pin it on someone else.
Danielle is like Amy from Marcellas's year. Talla can't even say one sentence, bless her.
Alec's eyebrows are mesmerising. It's time to put the Kat out etc. The Kat that got creamed. I think I'm done with Kat jokes now.
A very Canadian HOH is coming up. I reckon it's something to do with bears, but my boyfriend thinks it's crawling through maple syrup. I realise this is a racist as going on about tea and the bloody Queen. 
I wonder if Suzette will ever win another Head of Household. I've seen one of these tasks before where they have to cling on to trees. Tree hungers. Are things about to get a little bit choppy? Sigh. At least it's endurance. I do like this show but it feels like a not-quite-as-good sequel to BBUS. It's so similar yet it all feels a bit 'own brand'.
Dan Gheesling is looking as greasy as usual. Aw, Dan. I think Arisa has said the word 'strategising' about 40 times this show. They must have interviewed him for all of three seconds. Evil genius AND master of the game? Oh, Dan. You'll always be Judas to me.

The Brits 2013: James Corden-blergh

Well, this is going well before it's even begun. One: I've got laryngitis so can't speak. Not being able to speak is rubbish. It makes me realise just how much crap I talk and how much I like giving my opinion on EVERYTHING. So I have a feeling that might make me channel all my anger through my fingertips into a giant splurge. I'm also coughing up bits of the back of my throat and look like something off the Walking Dead. I didn't even blog the Speidi doc (sob). Two: my boyfriend has stomped off into the bedroom declaring 'I won't have it on in the house.' Make that the same room. So now I've got feeling like crap, plus feeling guilty on my hands. Three: it's the Brits. It's my tradition to write a bilious blog about it, and I'll be damned if I let a horrible illness stop me. I'm already suffering, so what's a little extra?
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period.  All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse. 
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!

Review: Desaparecidos live at the Electric Ballroom, Camden

So last week I went to see Conor Oberst perform solo at Barbican, and it was a really lovely gig. A great venue, and a good mixture of Bright Eyes, solo and new songs. White Shoes had me in floods of tears and You are your mother's child had me crying for my pregnant mate who couldn't be there. Even my boyfriend, who was a stand in, and doesn't LOVE Conor, enjoyed it (or at least didn't moan the whole way through). The only downside was it was all seated, and although the view was good, we were a bit far back and you never quite get the atmosphere of a proper gig. I was jolted towards the end gig, though, when Conor said 'my other band is playing next week'. And he didn't mean Bright Eyes, who I've seen numerous times. No, he was talking about Desaparacidos, his best and loudest side project. The band only has one album so it would be guaranteed they would be playing all my favourite songs on it, and they haven’t played for 10 years! But tickets had sold out ages ago. I had to dig around.
After a close call with a conman on Gumtree (don't ever put a request for tickets on there!) I finally got a ticket for £50 on eBay. Quite a lot over the face values of £15 but £15 seemed very low in the first place (it was £30 for Conor solo). I would have paid up to £100 if I'd had the money!
So I met up with the guy selling the ticket outside – thank god he turned up! – and then there I was, at my first ever gig I'd been to alone. I did a smooth manoeuvre to the front; there was a guy at the barrier obviously saving a space for a friend, so I kind of slid into the spot over a period of about five minutes. Come on, you can’t hog barrier, be there, or be usurped. I could tell he was a bit grumpy so I offered him a Tic-Tac (I was on a strict no fluids policy, as I have a pathetically weak bladder) and then I felt I’d made my peace. When his friends did finally turn up there were about 12 of them, so I didn’t feel so bad.
I hadn’t heard of support band Johnny Foreigner, but I admire their name. I think he said, ‘we’re from Chicago’ when he came out in a very-non-Chicago accent, but at the end he admitted they were from Birmingham. I’d describe their sound as a yelpier Bloc Party, and the band had a girl and a black bloke, so it covered all bases. Was good to hear a woman screaming (hold on, that doesn’t sound quite right) and they looked the part. She reminded me of Kylie off Corrie. I enjoyed them and I rarely say that about a support band.
Desa (can I call them that for now, I still struggle to spell it) came on about 9.15, and the place KICKED OFF.
They opened with a new song Left is Right (thanks to Lee who sold me the ticket, because I only had two of the new songs, and he alerted me to two more! I'm a bad fan) and the energy was just crazy. I felt like a young person again!.Conor came out in some hideous stars n stripes sunglasses and the long hair he’s got at the moment and a little stars and stripes neckerchief. I hate his long hair but that’s beside the point. I can honestly say, I think I had the best spot in the house, right in front of where Conor finally came out, and just on the edge of the mad moshpit so whilst I got jostled a fair bit, I didn’t want to kill someone (an occupational hazard at gigs).
Probably the most amazing song was the second one, Happiest Place on Earth, which is one of my favourite songs of all time, it just has the most amazing lyrics, a song about war that you don’t resent for being a song about war. Actually, he’s good at those (see also No one would riot for less and the silly When the President talks to God - notable for me going 'I DOUBT IT!' quite a lot). It was just perfection, and everyone was going mad. I was even headbanging – WTF.
Probably the best thing about Desa is they don’t have any slow songs, every single one is a screamer. So it was a nice contrast to the acoustic gig of the week before. Also, as they only have one album, you knew every song. It’s quite cool to go to a gig where you’ve been listening to that one album for 10 years, never expecting to hear it live, because the band had disbanded. And then when they get back together it’s not a tired old money-making racket like Pulp, for example.
At one point Conor  played the song $$$$ and limp-wristedly threw some money in the air, that never even got as far as the end of the stage, and at the end of the gig, the bouncer stole it! What a git. It was £35 as well because I could see it sitting there (hey big spender) – that would have covered the extra cost of my ticket! Conor also said he'd been shopping on Camden Market; wish I'd gone there that day!
All of the songs were good (there was a Clash cover which I wasn’t fussed on, but it beats Moon Over Kentucky or whatever crap Morrissey normally tries to inflict). But my favourite has to be Man and Wife, The Latter (Damanged Goods). I must have played that song in my car over a thousand times. It’s just pop perfection. So to hear them play it seemed slightly unreal. The crowd was literally bouncing all over the place, I haven’t been to a gig with energy like that in years. And thank fuck I was on the barrier, or I would have had to run for cover.
It was so nice just to be that close to Conor and not to have to worry about anyone else, but just to do exactly what I wanted. I would definitely recommend going to a gig on your own, it’s fun.The crowd was small as well; there wasn't even a queue. I thought Conor fans would have turned out in droves.
I really pray that Desa put out a new album now, Conor is at his best when he’s screaming or heartbroken, and about as far away from a country guitar as possible. He promised to come back sooner, so don't let us down!

Big Brother Australia 2012: I need a Valium

Well, it took me about six months, but I just finished Big Brother Australia. The miracle was, I avoided the result until today, too. Avoiding the result of the winner of BBAU might sound like a breeze to you, but as an active member of the 'Big Brother community', it was a fucking arseache. I had to cover my eyes, turn podcasts down, avoid Twitter at certain times. Still, I'm so glad I did. I saved the final episode until tonight because I knew it was going to be a Friday night on my own, and I was absolutely thrilled with the result.
I couldn't get into the show AT ALL at first, and nearly gave up a few times. My boyfriend gave up after two episodes. The accents drove me mad. The host was annoying. Everyone seemed about ten years behind the UK. The 'secrets' secret task went on way too long and the protracted entering of housemates got on my nerves. In fact, I think it was just how cool the house looked that kept me interested for a week. I wanted that house to be the BBUK house. I also liked the wildlife - the weird birds in the garden.
But then something happened. Nothing in particular, I just wanted to watch the next episode, and the next. I didn't even particularly like ANYONE for at least a month. They were all so inoffensive they blended into one, and I felt like they had nothing interesting to say. But I'm so glad I stuck with it.
And what kept me with it was the production. Yes, the production! This show is lovingly made. The tasks were imaginative. The nominations were creative. They fiddled with them, in the form of a 'nominations superpower' and you still didn't object, because they did it in a smart way. The had the 'naughty corner' where you got sent for not wearing your microphone and they'd make you do ironing for a few hours. Big Brother didn't take no shit. I liked his style. 
Some of the tasks were absolutely brilliant and they should definitely steal them for our show. The David Attenborough task (WAS it David Attenborough? Sure sounded like him) where the housemates had to dress up as different animals and the voiceover said things like 'Angie is a monkey who likes to smear honey on her face. And through her hair. And then she sits and waits.' and 'Josh has cooked a delicious meal, but George the naughty monkey comes along and steals it' the housemate had to do whatever he said. It was hilarious! The 'unwelcome guests' task was also imspired, where housemates had to ignore people coming into the house, including the narrator of the show who sat on the bed and narrated what happened around him. I'd like to see Marcus Bentley do that. They also had to ignore their own parents and friends. Obviously it breaks the 'no contact with the outside world' rule but that drum broke long ago, didn't it, Rylan?
There was also an amazing 'Tree of Temptation' character (he even spoke like him on a cockney accent) in Surly the puffa fish who set the housemates secret tasks and got insanely jealous of the pet dog (more on her later). He was really funny. What happened to Surly after the show!? The host made a joke about battering him!
The nominations were inspired; housemates stood in a glass nominations booth with the other housemates sitting directly behind them, and had five points to nominate, and they could give one housemate 4 and another 5, or 3 and 2, and so on. It added a great Eurovision feel to the show. Also, Big Brother was really sarky to them when they were nominating, strict on their reasons for nominating, and threatened to throw one housemate out merely for saying 'hello Australia'. They also told them how many points they got, so it was very clear how unpopular you were.
The other weird part was the strangely positive feel to the show. BBAU is a family show, which sounds off-putting, but it meant they weren't constantly trying to make them kick off. They weren't even allowed to swear. There was slightly too much emphasis on the showmances, but there was enough bitching in the house to put our housemates to shame.  
Where to start with the actual housemates? Luckily, some of the annoying housemates got kicked out first; the sanctimonious Sarah and the thicker-than-two-short-planks Ryan (supposedly good looking, but he looked cross-eyed to me).Layla was the thick-but-pretty Brit, who I was CERTAIN was going to win. Estelle 'I'm mad, me' was in turns annoying and sympathetic, especially when the others turned slagging her off into a sport. Michael was another one I was thought had a good shot of winning, but he ended up sidelined and flailing. Then there was Josh, the supposed 'hunk of the house' who I didn't find remotely attractive (are the standards different in Australia?). I didn't like his personality and I found his 'ladies man' schtick quite annoying. He seemed popular within the house until he hooked up with a new housemate, who sucked the life out of him. He spent two weeks snogging her in a corner, which was excruciatingly boring to watch. She was a complete wet fish. I can't even remember what the girl was called and I just watched the final. I've never known a housemate come in and suck more out of a house, except maybe Rex's girlfriend in our series. The other 'intruder' Sam, was also a boring bastard. Housemates who come in late are never welcome. Sam well outstayed his.
There was one more intruder, Delilah the dog. She was absolutely beautiful. Can you imagine them being given a dog in the UK show? They'd accidentally kill it within a week. Delilah stayed for the whole show, and was rehomed in the final week, at which point I cried as if a dear friend had died. She was sooooo lovely.
Then there was Stacey, who we were constantly told was hilarious, and was about as funny as slamming your fingers in a door. I was thrilled with her 'shock' eviction. Bradley was the 'Ian from BBUS' of the show, socially inept and stuttering. I wish he'd gone further. Ray and George were both evicted too early, in my opinion. Ray was a Tom Cruise-esque vet who threw a strop about chocolate milk on his first night and had a hilarious arrogance. George was a nice-but-dim millionaire who said the word 'AY' at the end of every sentence. I almost switched off for all the 'ay's in the first two weeks. Then I got used to it. Angie was from the 'Gold Coast' which the others seemed to insinuate made her a bit of a chav. Zoe was the 'country girl' who the others all said was beautiful in their leaving speeches, because she wasn't. She threw her gameplan out the window by becoming Glen Close in the last two weeks.
About halfway through the show, Josh was called to the Diary Room to be told his brother had died. I thought the way the show handled this was absolutely brilliant. Obviously Josh wanted to leave to be with his family, so they switched off the cameras and let the others say goodbye to him. They showed a little bit of him waving goodbye (which he consented to) but it was very respectful. Can you IMAGINE them turning the cameras off in our show? I mean, seriously? They would milk it for all it was worth. They did milk it a few days later when they brought Josh back and interviewed him and generally fawned over him, but you couldn't really resent them (or him) for it. It was interesting to see how the housemates dealt with that, too.
The weird part with the bitching was, I didn't really take sides. I could kind of see everyone's point. Estelle was annoying at times. Sam was dull. Zoe went mental and started stalking Michael and blew her chances of winning. Ben went on too much and was moody. Michael was flaky. They all bed-hopped. It just seemed like a different sort of culture to ours, more free and easy. Layla had two boyfriends in the house and no one called her a slut. There felt like there was more of a dating culture, more fluidity between friends and romances and allegiances changed often. I think the showmance with Estelle and Michael at the end hurt his chances, and was just cabin fever on his part.
The final was a joy to watch. They are generally just more respectful of their housemates than we are and it was all geared towards a feel-good experience. Can you imagine the UK housemates doing a song and dance routine and singing along to Gangnam Style? Can you see Conor and Deana doing the conga? Me either. They'd be too busy giving each other daggers to be singing 'protein shake ala Luke S'.
The final three were self-styled 'gangsta' Estelle, who I'd flip-flopped over liking and not liking, and ended up in the 'not like' camp. She WAS desperate to win and her constantly going on about being 'weird' turned out to be a bit of a 'drainer'. I'm glad she went a long way though, because it drove the others mad. Layla, stupid, lovely Layla had chosen the most unflattering eviction outfit since Josie Gibson; she looked like a giant pink emu. Fair play to Layla and her woman's body, but it's that age old Big Brother problem that you go in and put on two stone (remember Jade busting out of that sugar pink dress?). Was Layla a princess (ie. a Prima Donna?) A bit. But I'm glad she came second. When Zoe moaned that Layla is just one of those girls who gets things, it's because Layla went out and got them, whilst Zoe sat there moaning.
And finally there was Ben. I'd wanted Ben to win for about six weeks now. Gay, bitchy, hilariously funny; he's everything you want in a Big Brother contestant. I don't think you could have been as big a shitstirrer as he was and won it over here. Some of the things he said were genuinely poisonous, but he always said it in such a funny way, and it was normally what I was thinking. I loved it when Estelle went out third and he threw this stupid toy horse she'd been hoarding since a task over the wall after her. Ben got away with murder. He was sanctimonious at times and he definitely didn't practice what he preached. But I loved him for it. I loved his flaws and his one liners, and his need to be loved. He was vulnerable. I also thought he was really cute, especially in his Jurassic Park t-shirt. 
It was wonderful to see his face when he won, and Layla was a really gracious runner up. I liked the fact they just showed him wandering dazed around the garden for ages; I always miss that bit of live feed where you see the winner freaking out on their own. I liked the fact he couldn't stop talking to Sonia. They sent his mum into the garden and he stood there gibbering, clutching the suitcase full of cash and went 'I need a Valium.' I could be friends with Benjamin. I even ended up liking the dopey host, and the So Good KFC Feel Good Moments, lol.
The best part was when Benjamin's boyfriend came on stage and Benjamin proposed to him and said 'I was going to do this even if I was chucked out first.' It was really like a fairytale, like when Danielle and Evil Dick made it to the final two; like I never thought Ben could win it. I always thought he'd come third. I'm so glad he had that moment - just when those pieces come together it's so rare but so nice.
So that's it. And I've realised what it is that Big Brother Australia has that our show doesn't, and it's charm. That's the ingedient we're missing, and it's not something that can be manufactured, and it's not something that the producers of our show even want. They want war. But that charm can be really powerful. That heartwarming feeling, and camaraderie, and positivity.
The Australian producers understand their own show. They understand the fanbase, whereas here we're completely disregarded. They have a long old season, too, 90 days! At the end of the show there was a good ten-minute trip down memory lane. It wasn't just 'thanks for your money, fuck off and see you next time.' When Benjamin won, there wasn't a boo in sight.
Congrats Benjamin, you deserve it. Even six months later. Next stop: Canada.