X Factor: The Final Twelve

The X Factor last night was a big old weep fest. I was soooo happy that Dannii put the cut-price Josh Hartnett through (Leon) even though he can't sing that well. He's my favourite (cos I fancy him). I like Andy as well, but Rhydian? It should have been the cute little black kid who Louis liked.
Sharon cocked up too in my opinion. She definitely should have put in the little girl with the braces though. I was glad she put her with the afro and technicolour eyeshadow through, though. I like her (not enough to remember her name, obviously).
I was surprised by Simon's choices. I really wanted the geeks to go through and thought that Ghostt (their spelling error, not mine) had good voices. Instead he puts through the sinister Steps siblings and two groups of mangled together rejects (although the girls have half decent voices).
Louis had a barrel to scrape from and scrape it he did with the fair choices of the Nicky Clarke orphan,and the nice teacher woman, and then Mrs. Dead Dad (mentions of the dead dad so far... 60 billion).
But despite the constant hammering of these common-or-garden sob stories, the real joy and sorrow comes from the emotion displayed when they come through the doors and tell their assorted relatives that they have or have not made it. It's proper tearjerker territory.
And then! The errant Sisi got kicked out of the girl band for having a criminal conviction. They didn't tell us what it was, but I guessed assault, and sure enough, she beat up a McDonlads worker and failed to do her community service. Class!
So there's one very happy person dishing out Big Macs tonight. That's just the way it goes. But sometimes it goes the other way too.
Leon to win!

Morrissey Assaulted by Fan

Well the pictures tell the story better than I could, and this whole event has sparked off a lot of discussion on Morrissey Solo. I have really mixed feelings on this. Comments ranging from 'good on her' to 'I'm jealous' I can relate to, but we also have to keep in mind that it IS a sexual assault.
Morrissey does have a long standing tradition of being groped and clung to by stage invaders, but he's getting on now, she can't fight them off fast enough! Joking aside, if it was a woman on stage and a male fan did that, there would be an uproar, so why should it be any different? Getting to tongue Morrissey is not part of your ticket price. Getting snogged by a complete stranger must make you feel pretty horrible, especially if you don't even fancy people of that sex. The pictures are amusing, and fascinating in a way (I've never seen Morrissey locking lips with anyone) but morally it is wrong. She has crossed the line.
A few people also commented that Morrissey 'looked like he enjoyed it' which is also beside the point and a dangerous argument, as it legitimises invading people's personal space, as they might like it. Equally, the might not. They still deserve a say in the matter.
So she got her five minutes of fame, but Morrissey had the last word, stating the person that she tasted like they'd been siphoning jet fuel from a 747.
But it STILL would have been worth it (but it's still wrong).

Jonathan Ross: Plastic Fantastic

Wow, what was going on with Jro's guests this week? Had the make-up artists gone botox crazy? Michelle Pfeiffer looked pretty stapled but still pretty. Chris Moyles appeared to have no wrinkles on his fat, cunty forehead. But the biggest Mickey Rourke impersonator had to be Ewan Mcgregor, not even 40 (surely) and looking more plastic than his Star Wars action figure. Like not even slightly: this was full on melting territory. He looked like Eddie Izzard's dad. Oh and he was on with that other boring geezer who he rides motorbikes with. Bothered. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Michelle: boring. Chris Moyles: obnoxious fat prick. Saviour of fuck bloody all. Ewan McGregor (plus his bitch): no one gives a fuck about your latest motorcycle ride.
The best thing on Jro is always Mr Pickles, his pug dog and his little woolly balaclava. Wrinkles rock.

Celebrity Wife Swap: the Aftermath

OK I'm watching this almost a week late cos I'm drunk and there's nothing on. Do you think there's scope for a 'Wife Swap: the Aftermath' Aftermath, where they watch the Aftermath show and comment on it?
I was really revolted by whatsherface referring to herself as 'a bird'. I know she does Page 3, but I credited her with a smidgen of intelligence. There is something really revolting about that mentality (of making women less than human) which should be stamped upon by women. Any woman referring to herself as a 'bird' is culpable in all forms of women being treated as second-rate citizens.
On the other side of the fence was Pete Burns back in Pete Burns cunty mode, calling Leah 'a silly bitch' and taking control of his boyfriend again. Sigh. I'd hoped he'd learnt something. Then when face to face with Razor and his 'bird' he backed right down. Pathetic.
Then when Leah saw the footage of Razor reading her a poem, she went 'what you being all girlie for?' as if 'girlie' was weak, and a bad thing. What a fucked-up anti-feminist mentality. Then she goes 'what's an alpha male?' I mean, they even explain what an alpha male is on Big Brother. Does she not read the paper?
For anyone who thinks the battle is won: it isn't. And here's the proof.

Film Review: The Hottest State

I'd been looking forward to this film, an adaptation of Ethan Hawke's first novel for quite some time. Put it this way, I'm glad I didn't read the book or I would have given up after ten minutes. Largely plotless, it focussed on the relationship between Micheal (supposedly a young Ethan I guess, but he looked way too much like Paul Kaye for my liking) and Sarah, his girlfriend. Although similar in style to the amazing Richard Linklater movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, it lacked a lot of the charm, and I found the characters pretty much unlikable. Throw in a bunch of pretentious supporting characters, a plodding plot, and some slightly ropey dialogue and you get mildly bored.
There were some good points to the film, namely Ethan being in it, and some very spot on observations about the nature of heartbreak, the pain of someone you love turning into a different person, and absent fathers/ drunk mothers. There were certainly many parts you could relate to, and some touching moments. I think the main problem was it felt about half an hour too long. Also, WHY did she fall out of love with him? But maybe that was the point, sometimes you just don't know. And there's fuck all you can do about it.
If anyone has read the book and found it a rip-roaring read, do let me know.

Jean Charles de Menezes

I remember the day Jean Charles de Menezes was killed surprisingly well for someone who can't remember what she did last weekend half the time. I remember people saying 'good' when the news trickled through that the police had shot a terrorist. I remember the stories of how he ran from the police, vaulted the barrier, and was wearing a bulky, padded jacket.
Except, as we later discovered, it was all a load of bollocks. This is a part of the story that really needs to be remembered; stories were leaked to smear Jean Charles whilst his brains were still lying on the floor of that tube train. The mentality of that tells you all you need to know.
But of course, there are other wider issues at stake, issues of the rights and responsibilities of the police. Our trust in the police to protect us. But also, the incompetence and sheer stupidity of the police, and the lack of cohesion in the entire operation.
Today in the paper was a picture of half of Jean Charles De Menezes face and half of the real terrorist, Hussain Osman. This is meant to illustrate that the two looked similar. True, they are both men, with short hair. I would have though the main giveaway though, would have been the fact Jean Charles was Brazilian, and an entirely different nationality and colour to Osman. Does that not ring alarm bells? if not, it bloody well should have. If you're considered responsible enough to be put in charge of a firearm, you should at least be able to tell the difference between two varying enthnicities.
If you're a Muslim and feel afraid people are looking at your rucksack warily on the tube, I don't blame you. And this goes even further. If you've even got dark hair, or a tan, you are equally a target. And don't think it stops there. It goes further. That's the whole point of this, and a terrorist could not have planned it more beautifully, because it must be their dream to make innocent people random targets. A police state where you are gunned down without so much as being arrested, that is true terror. That makes Guantanemo look tame.
The fact is this, we do not have the death penalty in this country. We are a civillised society. And it is unacceptable for an innocent man to be shot dead by the police. There should have been rioting on the street because of this. Yes still you will hear people roll out excuses. What if that was your partner, your son? What then?
The whole thing would be farcical if it wasn't so horrific. The police turning up late, then going for a wee, then not spotting the 'suspect' because the policeman was urinating. Why didn't they stop him before he got on the tube? They had ages. They really did. They put the public at risk by not stopping him sooner, if they believed he was a bomber. But hold on. There was no bulky jacket. So why exactly did they shoot him?
Then only yesterday we discover that an undercover policeman was almost shot by these trigger-happy fucking morons. And then the tube driver. For fuck's sake. Did they think they were playing a computer game? We pay money for these people to look out for us. They were virtually picking us off that day.
And what punishment do they get? None. They shoot a man seven times in the head in front of a bunch of people (can you IMAGINE? Just try and imagine even witnessing such a thing, I'd never recover) and no one has even said sorry as far as I know. No one has resigned. This is now a health and safety enquiry. Is that all? They offered his family £15,000. What an insult.
The image that sticks in my mind (apart from that one, above) is Jean Charles de Menezes picking up the Metro as he walked into Stockwell tube. Just like we do every day. Just minding his own business. It is murder, as far as I'm concerned. What's the difference? He was pursued and shot dead like an animal. No right to reply.
I will leave you with Commander John McDowell, who arrogantly said today 'I remain of the view that I and we did our best that morning to mitigate what was clearly a threat to the public in very difficult circumstances.'
It seems to me the only threat to the public that day were the police and their bungled, unforgivable operation.
Oh, and please remember, they shot him seven times. In the head. Just to make sure.

Ricky Gervais: Fame (at the Royal Albert Hall)

think I bought tickets to this show back in March, so it has certainly been a long wait for it to come around. The first thing that struck me was the proliferation of incredibly posh people at the Royal Albert Hall, I felt like I was at Wimbledon or something. The last time I went to the Royal Albert Hall was the Morrissey comeback shows, before You Are The Quarry had even come out. This crowd was VERY different. But it's Ricky Gervais! he's not posh! Why do all these posh people like him? Needless to say, we felt a bit dressed down in hoodies and jeans.
The Royal Albert Hall is a spectacular venue, but I don't think the acoustics are that great, it was a bit echoey at times. Where we were sitting also gave you vertigo as we were in the peasants area.
The support act Robert Ince was somewhat hampered by the fact that he wasn't actually funny. He cut a slightly folorn figure on stage with the spotlight blaring in his face, and was only saved by a quite passable Morrissey impression towards the end.
Then there was Ricky. He came on stage in front of his name in giant lights (although still not as cool as Morrissey's ones) and had a giant plinth in the shap of an Emmy. Apparently, I don't know what an Emmy looks like, to be honest. I quite like all his faux bragging about the awards he's won, although I can see how it can wind people up if they think he's serious.
I really enjoyed the show, although on the whole I thought it was less funny than Politics and Animals. There was no point where I was crying with laughter. I think I wanted to hear more about other famous people he knew and the pitfalls of fame, and I think it wasn't as tight as it could have been at times, as he kept verging off topic (toilets, famine, God). However, there were moments of extreme funnyness. I liked him saying he was being nice to his neighbours until they approved planning for his new swimming pool, then they could fuck off. I enjoyed the story of the angry fan coming to confront Ricky and the encore where he told the story of Sharon Osbourne vs Chris Tarrant was very funny, although I'd read about it a little in the press.
All in all I think Ricky is incredibly lovable, and the funniest stand up around at the moment. I think he just couldn't live up to Morrissey (well, who could?) I left feeling the show was quite short, which obviously means I was left wanting more. I don't know what the posh people made of it.