Friday, 13 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The Finale

What is this final countdown show? I like them having all the ex housemates there early! This format is weird, though. Why not just do this bit as part of the main show? Well, let's give it a chance.
Woah, see the way Lauren hit the deck there? She's really wobbly! I'm going to give Lauren and Abz one vote to win each, as I don't really mind who wins out of those two.
Dinner speeches! It can never top Spencer Pratt's crying and Heidi demanding wine. I think that was on the live feed too? That was AMAZING. This. is. not.
Ha, they've dug Ron up! LOL to Emma and Sophie sparring with each other. Back when they were 16! What a pair of cunts they must have been when they lived together. Odious pair.
Danielle is just pathetic. Look at those crappy little cubes they're making them sit on. Set budget: zero pence.
Lauren's hair is looking fabulous tonight! Maybe they got makeovers. God, not another dull slideshow. Turgid.
That's a bit sneaky the way the first vote closed before the 'real' show even began. What if you only tuned in at 9? I note the two groups are sitting on different couches. God, Look at Charlotte's eyeshadow. She looks like Joan Collins.
Here's the main live show. Now I've got a confession to make. I'm broke, but going out for my friends birthday tomorrow, so had to conserve my last £30. But I wanted to have a drink whilst I watched this bullshit, so I went out and bought a Iron Bru WKD for a quid from the shop. I'm going to open it now. It's not too bad actually. I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
So I'm guessing it will be Vicky out first? Why are they booing Lauren? She looks cute. Ooh, I hope it's Mario out first. Oh, it is Vicky. OMG are they evicting them two at a time? Fucked up. Mario looked disappointed to be going. Bet he's even more disappointed to be walking out arm in arm with Janice Battersby. It's like getting evicted with your mum. Not sorry in the SLIGHTEST for him! AND it's pissing it down! Haha, the perfect accessories, Janice and a brolly. Sucks to be you, Mario.
Plus, you don't get to hear your own crowd reaction! You're the victim of someone else's boos/ cheers! What a wash out; literally. Make the show longer, or do more mid week evictions, you wallies. This is unacceptable. Have they done this before?
Ha, the tweenies probably didn't get a chance to vote for Mario before the show started. Funnies. Well, I guess it's hard to be popular when you just see women as body parts. I'm glad Courtney got evicted midweek now as she got her own interview!
My boyfriend is really anti umbrellas, so he'd go mad if someone forced him to carry an umbrella just as he got evicted. And to have your picture taken with it! The shame.
Mario: 'There's so much time in there to fink.' That must be hard when you've got no brain.
The crowd are really rowdy tonight! What are they chanting about? They're too distracting.
This joint interview is shit. Everyone deserves their own interview, even people off TOWIE. If BB can't even be bothered to do that, we might as well give up.
Mario doesn't like people speaking behind each other's backs?! Is he being ironic? He's 'not that sort of person'. I don't think Mario knows what sort of person he is. He doesn't KNOW HIMSELF. If only he could read, he could read my blog and find out.
Oh, at least Emma actually called him up on sitting in a gang with Carol, even if she stopped short of saying he was a bitch (which he was). Janice is talking ALL OVER Mario's interview. Ha.
I'm surprised they didn't give them joint best bits. Oh well, Mario, at least you got the wub wubs. That's all you can ask for. That and Wild by Jessie J, if you're Jack and Joe. I don't even think Mario's good looking. He's got a podgy face and a horrible personality. But... at least he's not Kirk Norcross.
Lauren looks SOOOOOO scared. Aw. Those people chanting 'get Lauren out' should be ashamed of herself. She's done nothing bad! She's shaking like a leaf and they're being nasty. I'm gonna ring up for Lauren again. Fuck those cunts. Hold on, it's probably Big Brother staff doing it to make me vote for Lauren.
Ha, Carol is coming out on her own, so gets the full range of booage. She's officially more loathed than Denise Welch and Colleen Nolan. I didn't think that was possible. She looked a bit shocked to go, I thought.
Was there a 'lot of love out there' for Carol? All I heard was boos.
Carol: 'The feeling in the house was that Abz would go before Mario'. The difference is, Abz is a nice person, Carol. She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She's rotten.
This is bollocks, Carol 'enjoyed herself' I heard Carol moaning she wanted to leave, I'm sure of it! She moaned NON STOP.
As much as I don't like Charlotte, at least the final three people all have good hearts. Charlotte is playing up to her role, but I don't think she'd do you any wrong. All the nasties: Janice, Carol and Mario went out first, and that's a result.
Carol says about herself that she's 'much nicer than she thought she was.' She must have thought she was a total prick.
Ah, what, Carol's getting wub wubs? Boo!
I see Queen Charlotte can't even be bothered to sit with the other two. Oh, no, Lauren third! How could she compete with their fanbases? She couldn't. She looks pissed off. Hope she doesn't fall down the stairs. Oh the umbrella dude is walking her down. Cute. Lauren is doing a 'I'm working it' face. Aw, bless her.
Lauren was classy in her interview. It felt like she meant it when she said she was happy to be third. Lauren hopes Charlotte or Abz wins it. Who else is there?!
The Lauren and Courtney clips were so sweet. I hope they manage to stay friends. I'd love to see Lauren and Doug hanging out.
Lauren: 'Carol looks like my aunt Jennifer who we don't speak to.' Classic.
Aw, what a shame. But us Big Brother fans are used to this sense of disappointment. And now...
Oh, what, I thought we were going to get the whole thing, but they're breaking it up. I was considering blogging this Celebrity Super Spa but I resent them putting it on in the middle of the Big Brother final, so I'm not going to. I watched a bit of it and it was total shit so I watched Miley Cyrus chatting about smoking spliffs on Alan Carr instead. She seemed much more charming than when she was being 'wholesome'.
I also want to say something about Abz and people comparing him to Sam. Let's clear this up. Sam did nothing except be sexist, tell a couple of childishly amusing jokes and call Dexter a bellend. That was IT, in three months. Abz is quiet, but even in his moments of solitude, he has been consistently entertaining. He's intriguing. He's an enigma. Sam wasn't an enigma. He was ignominious.
And we're back. It's so obvious she's going to win it, because got a zillion Twitter followers. It's not fair, because that shouldn't be why someone wins. What has she done in the house? Pissed herself, flashed her boobs and told someone to suck off a pig. Jade Goody is looking like Princess Di right now.
And we're back. Emma seems incapable of saying the word 'sixth'.
Here we go. At least they're holding hands. Fuck, she won it. Abz is our Dexter. Charlotte is doing a 'Natalie Cassidy giving birth' face. Abz is so magnanimous in defeat. What a trouper.
Abz don't want that brolly. He's in Five! Should have pissed the bed, Abz. You missed a trick there.
Aw, 'my little heart can't take it.' So sweet.
I'm glad Abz said that Lauren should have won it. Charlotte doesn't deserve it. Charlotte deserves shooting.
Abz: 'I've done nothing for the last ten years.' Ha. No. You made a swan apple. His girlfriend is beautiful! He's too cute. He misses his pooches. Abz: 'This chair is incredible.'
Louie shaking under an umbrella looking murderous, and then sticks out his tongue when he sees a camera. Says it all. Ahhhh, Abz is sort of getting wub wubs. Abz deserves wall to wall wub wubs. There's not a person on the planet who could dislike Abz. Even though he talks like THAT.
So. This result makes me want to put a fist through a cake. But if you were in line with popular opinion, wouldn't you hate yourself? Those with taste are doomed to always support the runner up. Otherwise you'd be a One Direction fan.
OMG! What's with the dry ice? Or is something on fire?! LOL. I hope it's Carol McGiffin. Emma couldn't even see Charlotte! Hilarious. Maybe someone let off a grenade. I'm loving seeing all the losers standing in the rain (the celebs, not the crowd).
Charlotte seems to be having a breakdown. The public haven't 'warmed to her', just her idiot fans are in such high numbers she was guaranteed to win it before she even walked in the door.
At least she admits she's not 'ladylike' (the term 'ladylike' is sexist) but I feel like that's part of the act, too. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet little dimwit, like someone you went to primary school with who hadn't learnt to control their bladder yet, who you were embarrassed of. But that's not something that makes a winner. That's someone to pity.
So, quite a fitting end to the worst series of Celebrity Big Brother ever. A dreadful winner for a dreadful series. Truly diabolical.
Did Emma just say into the camera: 'Thanks for coming out tonight in this awful weather.' No worries, you fucking idiot.
Thanks for bearing with the show, and bearing with me. We might do a wrap up podcast? I'll have to see what mood my boyfriend is in when he sees the result! My guess: displeased.
Thanks for reading. I guess the summer ends here. I need to find something else to blog, probably X Factor live shows. But it's soulless compared to BB! Night night, swan apples.

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