The Apprentice: The Final

Two blogs in a row! I should be getting paid for this shit.
Look at Helen's limp hair. No wonder she always has it in a bun. Jim's crab eyes are on overdrive. Alan won't choose him, Alan doesn't like him. He could go wild and choose Susan, I suppose, but I suspect it's going to be between Helen and Tom.
I hate the interview parts! I'm glad they've shaken up the format though, it needed it. This first interviewer is the biggest cock. As if someone writes things in their CV to suggest they're floundering.
Cliches, buzz words and blarney! Jim looks like he wasn't to punch that dude in the face but had to swallow it. He'll probably go and punch a mirror later.
Even thought Susan is rubbish I can't help liking her a bit.
Jim's pony analogies were quite funny. It's that sort of shit that got him on the show, though. I don't think Jim knows what a cliche is. That's just his vernacular.
Tom's business plan sounds rubbish. Chairs are boring. Still, Tom to win!
Helen could look better as well as be more likeable if she only loosened up a bit. I think she feels to 'be successful in business' you have to be this sewn up, straight serious thing. You can be in business and still be pretty, relaxed and fun (or quirky, like Tom). Her business plan is being destroyed as well. She doesn't need the contacts, though, but Alan would have them if she went into partnership with him.
LOL to Susan admitting she paid her staff in cash and avoided the taxman. Whoops. She's probably going to get arrested on the way out.
If it was an arse-kissing competition, Jim could walk away with the sash right now.
Helen it is super creepy to say that work is more important that your social and personal life. YOU ARE A ROBOT. That joke thing was bad.
That Mark dude being sexist about his wife! Arsehole. No wonder he can smell bullshit, he's probably bathing in it. I think Susan is doing well up against him.
That guy is mean making fun of Jim's salary.
I like Margaret's jazzy boardroom jacket. Karren must be under pressure with her staring her out.
Bit rich of them to moan at Jim for cliches and then that Mark dude goes 'it's like trying to nail custard to the ceiling'.
I think he's going to pick Tom. it's not his fault he didn't mention chairs, he's dyslexic. Please pick Tom!
Doesn't seem like Alan likes any of these business plans! Who's he going to let hitch their apple wagon to his star? I liked it when Jim accidentally called him Sugar. Sugar tits!
Bye Jim. That writing was on that wall long ago. Susan understands that she didn't understand. Bless her. Alan wanted to get into the cosmetic industry? Who knew? Which part?!
Why are they filming up Helen's nose like that? I hope if she loses she pulls that bun off and does an evil cackle. Stick your second business plan, Helen. You had your chance.
Yay, Tom spoke up. Tom's hand wrapped parcel: match point.
Tom wonned it! I couldn't be happier. Helen had nothing left at the end. Right, can I go get on with my life now?

Born to Shine

I'll confess upfront, I work in the charity sector, and I have a lot of friends who work for Save the Children, so I'll comment in my usual style, but with one eye on the fact that a lot of people I know has been working their ARSES off on this show. And it is a massive achievement for Save the Children to get a show like this. And Save the Children does amazing work. There's my disclaimer, now let me slag a few things off.
They aren't really mentioning Save the Children too much, but I think it's because they want to draw you in with the dazzle and then sneak up on you with the charity stuff (at the end, I reckon).
My boyfriend can't get over Natasha Kaplinsky's hair. It is rather gravity defying. She looks like she's wrapped up in a bit of old curtain. I went to school with Michael Underwood, and even then he was desperate to get on TV, he was always on kid's TV shows and lording it. We used to take the mickey out of him. But look at him now. Still a cunt.
Jason Gardiner should have stayed bald. My boyfriend just said 'who is that plastic moron?'. I think I fancy Kimberley Walsh a bit. She's so lovely. I want to give her a cuddle.
Who is this Jodie person? I have no clue. Is she off Over the Rainbow? OMG this could be a classic TV moment, this is hilarious. That was hot with embarrassment. To give her credit, she did well to rap that bit so fast! It is actually really hard to rap that fast; I learnt that doing Without Me on karaoke. Boyfriend quotes Eminem: 'bleed bitch, bleed'. Bit harsh.
Nick Moran must be on his uppers. Look at him cackling at his own joke. I didn't know he was in Harry Potter. If only it was Danny Dyer. FUCK ABAHT!
Ah, he did a comedy intro. Should have done 'Oh, when the Saints...' He did it bad because of 'the television environment'. Good excuse. Ah,no Joe Swash this week. Sucky.
What's the point in Jason Gardiner if he's not being bitchy? I saw him once, in Willesden Green, dragging a suitcase along. But I liked him more then because he was in the UK Queen Eye for the Straight Guy and he was nice back then. He'll be nice or nasty, depends how much you pay him. He's clearly on orders to be nice tonight.
Well, I'd imagine Jodie has walked.
Save the Children advert! Product placement. Worthwhile product though... children being alive.
Wow, Diversity are ace! I love Ashley Banjo. The little kid is the shit as well, he must feel like the coolest kid on earth. They are pretty smooth, I liked the snake bit.
Finally, we get to the heart of the matter! Save the Children has not been mentioned nearly enough in this show. I like Paul O Grady, he keeps it real, he's a good ambassador. No way, I can't believe Nick won, he was off! Jodie was way better. Recount!

The Apprentice: Don't flummox in the kitchen

Fast food task! This is the second fast food related show I've watched this week. Hope their hygiene standards are better than in SFC.
What's going on with Natasha's fringe? Jim: 'I've got two girls on board who need a bit of direction.' Arsehole! Why can't Natasha do it if she did that in her degree?
I don't like the way Helen deals with Tom, she's patronising.
Do you think Karren doesn't like the Mexican idea? No? Whatever gave you that idea? Moustaches! Cactuses! Sombrero! That's almost racist.
Caracka's?! WTF. Why has it got an apostrophe in it? Does it belong to Caraka? I hope Jim's team goes down this week. In flames!
I didn't know Christopher Columbus wasn't British. Where the fuck is he from, then?
Have you ever eaten 100% British? I'd bloody hope so, living in.. er, Britain.
I physically hate Helen, blaming Tom when she fluffed her speech. He didn't do anything! I hate people who blame others for their own errors, it's cowardly.
Boardroom. Are Jim and Helen getting it on? They exchanged two lingering looks in the boardroom. Yay, Tom through to the final. But no prize? Tight buggers. I hope Jim goes.
Why are they filming them in this weird half light? It's like zombie movie Apprentice. Hope Jim gets eaten.
Jim, charming? He's about as charming as Fred West. Natasha saying 'key things' makes me want to projectile vomit. Next she'll be calling things 'challenging'.
OK, I think he's going to sack Natasha now cos of her hospitality credentials.
Fight. Flight. Shite. Also, there's no such thing as a 'flighter'.
Sugar likes Jim's spirit! I don't. Tom FTW.
PS. Sorry about this blog. I went out tonight so it's not to my usual standards. I'm tired and need to go bed.

Undercover Boss: Southern Fried Chicken

I can't believe they are DARING to do an undercover boss in a cheapo chicken shop. The Managing Director must have some balls. LOL! The MD looks exactly as you'd expect. Greasy!
The most people I've ever seen eating cheap chicken is on Old Street at lunchtime when about a thousand school children stand on street corners noshing the stuff. They are literally like human pigeons. My favourite cheap chicken shop in Old Street is amazingly called something like FCFK. Quite.
Apparently in other countries SFC is a real rival to KFC abroad. Foreign tourists must get a shock when they come here and see our ones! In the 200 shops in the UK SFC is vile, and barely even a rival to Dallas Chicken, Favourite Chicken, Chicken Cottage et al. I reckon I could name at least 25 more cheap chicken branches in London. They're more prevalent than Boris bikes, and more English, somehow, ironically, as a half the staff and customers aren't. In fact, it's not English, is it, it's London, multicultural, poor, and looking for a cheap meal. Me included.
So they're rebranding SFC. Are they going to get a better class of clientèle, rather than teenage boys grunting 'Gimme thigh!' Go in a cheapo chicken shop late at night in London: ALL human life is there. Just mind you don't get stabbed.
The SFC toilets look gross. KFC toilets are bad enough, and they've got the Colonels noggin on them. I am salivating at the thought of this MD meeting them.
The people who work in those chicken shops must be part saint/ part have no choice. Can you imagine the shit they have to deal with? Drunken, agressive, rude arseholes. The threat of violence.
The MD is worried about giving people food poisoning. With some of these people, how could you even tell? Him having to wipe the counter down after someone did a moonie on it must have been a highlight.
The MD had 'no idea' what his customers were like. Well it's not likely to be Tarquin and Jemima out for their 25th anniversary, is it?
Oh God, I'm not sure I want to see where the staff go to get their chicken from. It's not even a cash and carry, it's just a local shop!
'How do you know when you need to change the oil?' 'When it goes black.' YUM! This dude is going to get sacked.
Raw chicken on the floor! Finger licking good! I think I'm going to vomit. If this is happening in SFC, what the fuck do you think is happening in FCFK?
The greasy MD is worrying about putting these people out of business. He should be more worried about poisoning his customers. NB. He reminds me a bit of Michael Moore. But without the ethics. Why is he going on about the 'true recipe'? He doesn't have a secret recipe! If he did I'd be in there getting my delicious crispy strips from him.
Uh oh, Imran is stocking a rival chicken recipe and he's got 'Imrans' on the shirts instead of SFC. LOL! Imran is going DOWN. He's quite handsome, if you take away, you know, working in a cheap chicken shop. He's got lovely eyelashes. I guess living in Afghanistan is marginally worse than dealing with the customers in SFC.
The SFC brand is fucked! None of his shops are on brand. There's no seasoning on his chicken. His own staff don't give a shit. Like I said: he's brave admitting this on TV. The rot must have started somewhere; surely he should know what's going on in his own shops?
The reveal. Normally they get a promotion at the end. In this one they got a bollocking.
Isham from Afghanistan, with the filmstar good looks, if it wasn't for the chip fat, got sent him back to see his baby who he hasn't seen in three years. Cynical? Yes. But this is the best Undercover Boss I've seen in ages. The Ann Summers one last week was whack. What was she thinking with that wig!? Mentals.

Big Brother USA: Season 13 begins

The best show on TV is back, treading old ground, coming up with new twists, and generally being AMAZING. It feels so weird to watch an episode that is actually happening NOW as we watched so many previous seasons all in a row. It's very exciting for us Big Brother geeks.
Chenbot is in charge as usual, wearing something vile, and talking about it all as if it has some sort of national importance.
The 'twist' this year is that they're working in pairs again (which is a bit rubbish) but the good part is when a pair gets nominated, they have to campaign against each other to get the other one evicted, so they aren't working as a team any more. Should be interesting with some of the housemates being couples...
It's too early to judge the new housemates yet, and I'm not sure of all the names, although I've got a soft spot for virgin motorbike boy already. Rawk dude is getting on my nerves, and I like the southern accent of one of the model women types.
America also voted three couples from previous series' back into the house. Now, America, we need a word, which one of you idiots voted Jeff and Jordan back in? Talk about the most boring couple on earth. She's dumpy and thick, and he's smug and condescending. He talks to her like she's a three-year-old. It was bad enough when she won it last time, why are you giving them another crack of it? They're insipid! We could have had the greatest player of all time, Dan, or the devilish Dr. Will (although Mike Boogie and Memphis would be too high a price to pay for them, Dan and Will should be on their own team of master manipulators.)
Getting Rachel and Brendon back is obviously brilliant; Rachel is one of the best reality show contestants ever. She gets people's backs up brilliantly. I love her laugh! I actually really like her, but she's already jumping the Nikki Grahame shark by re-doing her old phrases ('no one comes between me and my man!) Regurgitating your old shtick never really works. She looks like crap, this year, too, I wondered if there was a lighting issue in the diary room, but my boyfriend scoffed at this. Brendon is a bozo. How long before someone mentions the sexting?
Evil Dick will of course be the one to bring it up. Evil Dick looks like he's spent the past few years drinking heavily, his face is proper bloated, and Danielle looks like she's been smoking crack. What was she thinking with the black hair? She looks fucking dreadful. I mean she looked anorexic before but now she looks deathly. I think she's got some serious issues. And are we really meant to believe her and her dad haven't spoken in three years? Come on now, we're not that fucking stupid.
I can't wait for so many things about this Big Brother, to see the new HOH room, to hear Evil Dick's stupid heavy metal theme tune, see Brenchel soppily encouraging each other in tasks, to (hopefully) watch Jeff and Jordan implode. I know there'll be some amazing twists. And I'm looking forward to finding out about the newbies, too.
I also love the way they just bring oldies back all the time, they just aren't afraid to just give you the same old shit you saw last year. But thank god Jessie didn't get in this time!
Rachel is first head of house, which is crucial, as her and Brendon and Dick and Danielle are bound to be massive targets. They need to team up as they're all strong players, and annihilate the newbies, fast, or they're going to be back out before you know it.
Now, who wants to see my Head of Household room?

The Apprentice: Grab it operationally

Selling stuff task! Don't like Alan calling Tom a nodding dog. He looks even hotter without his glasses, if that's possible. No, not Alan, you pervert.
Melody: pound shop fail. No one buys a £50 or even a £25 watch in a pound shop. They buy toilet roll and four cans of Pepsi. Dur.
Are you allowed to just pitch up and sell stuff on the street? No. Jim seems to be doing well. Tom seems to be doing well. Probably because he's on his own without some power-crazed woman barking at him (this isn't sexist, this is based on past experience facts).
Defensive-gate! Natasha and Jim should both be lined up and shot. Fast.
Karren looks mad! What's the matter with her? Did she pick up her scarf at Poundsave? Looks like it an' all.
Smug Helen or whatever her name is is getting some airtime this week. It's the first time they've even bothered showing her, so maybe she's about to fall off her perch.
That music they were playing when Helen took on Melody was ridiculous. I'd still rather Melody stayed in over Helen cos at least she's a grafter.
Looming up at people in the street to sell things is an odd tactic. I'd run for it.
Why is Jim doing so well this week? Even Nick's took a shine to him. Oh, they've got nodding dogs on their side. Melody and Tom are going to be fucked again, even with Queen Smug on their side.
What is up with Natasha? Why has she got that hat on? Why does she talk like that? Yeah it really brings out the best in me when your manager tells you to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. She's inspirational!
OMG I hate Natasha more than Melody this week. Is that possible?
Boardroom times. Why is Helen sticking it to Melody so hard already? Where's the loyalty?
Ooh, Tiggy's getting mad. He's knocking points off like he's on Shooting Stars. Oh, and now he's taken their treat off them! He's like a grumpy old dad going 'here's what you WOULD have won.' Well guess what, daddy, I didn't want to go in those clapped out old vintage cars anyway, so shove it. So do they get to go to a slightly less grotty cafe?
Surely Tom should survive this week. It's got to be Melody for the chop. How old is Helen? She looks like she could be anything from 30 to 45. She dresses like Margaret Thatcher. Oh don't cry, Melody, your 80s eye make-up will run. That sort of shading doesn't look waterproof.
Ooh Tom's got a dossier of evidence against Melody and Helen. I'd love it if Helen went this week! Imagine her face! I don't want Melody to go in a way. She's a little fighter. She's a pitbull!
Helen is an executive assistant to a CEO. That's a tough job, but it doesn't make her a business woman.
Oh god, I'm really scared Tom's going to go. Does he have a core of steel? I think he's got a core of marshmallow. But that's what's nice about him.
Oh, Melody got the boot! Is he going to go into business with Tom? Why else would he keep him around for so long? At least Tiggy gave Melody some props. Bye My Melody.
UGH I hate Helen so much, having a dig at Tom at the end. ANYONE to win but her. JIM. SUSIE. ANYONE. NATASHA? Oh God, maybe not.

Pulp at Wireless Festival

Yesterday I went to the Wireless Festival, the only kind of festival I will ever go to again, one that lasts one day and doesn’t involve a tent. In fact I'm not sure a bit of park even counts as a festival. But believe me, I’ve done my share of the other kind, and realised it’s not for me. I can say I’m too old, but the truth is, I’m too miserable. I get tired of being outdoors after about 8 hours. Of course, Wireless lasted more than one day, but I didn’t go see the Black Eyed Peas. Call me crazy.
The weather was perfect; hot but no sunshine, so I didn’t need so much as a cardie, but didn’t come home red. The queuing system was a bit annoying- not enough queues, very slow moving, and they binned the small bottle of perfume I had on me (my other alternative was to buy it back for £6- why the fuck should I buy back something I own? I’d rather bin it! *cuts of nose to spite face*
Once in my friend ran the schedule for the day, we started off with a shot of Jagermeister (no I’m not looking up how to spell it) and an ice cream (trying to avoid greenfly sprinkles) and went to see Metronomy. They were pretty good, but what was with the paper plates stuck to their lapels? We unwisely sat near the front, in a load of dust that was once grass, and there were greenflies everywhere. You had to hold your hand over your pint to keep flies and grass out of it, or as my boyfriend put it, ‘It’s like being in Ethiopia.’
A couple of vodka red bulls (£6 each) later I was forced to endure that great gonk fronting The Horrors, shambling around like he’s looking for thruppence. Tuneless and you can barely hear his vocals, yet this feels like a blessing. Still, it was nice just kicking back in the cloud, now we’d found a more suitable spot on the left. We also spotted Lauren Branning from Eastenders around this time. Yet despite about a million people I know in attendance, I didn’t see one person I knew! Peculiar.
Next we went to the Pepsi Max (blergh) stage to watch Naked and Famous (I think they’re called this, but dare not Google those two words at work). By this time we were onto the cider and quite merry. The last four or five songs in their set were pretty excellent, plus we saw a guy in a red shirt doing some AMAZING dancing. Hats off.
I think we saw TV on the Radio after this, but it could have been before, I’m a bit confused now. En route I had some chips (£3) undercooked and vile. My friend had a burger, so who knows if she’s even alive today. On the bright side, the toilets weren’t too bad, and anyone with half a brain could jump the longer queues.
I didn’t like TV on the Radio much, they were a bit shouty but not in the way I like. Another thing I didn’t like: Huey from the (alleged) Fun Loving Criminals doing annoying adverts on the big screens between acts. Truly gutted I missed StooShe and Dot Rotten on the Friday though, they sound amazing(ly awful).
Around this time I bought some donuts (5 for £4, and one was stale). Next (is it next, I don’t remember, although I did stop drinking around this point) we went to see Foals at the Pepsi Max (blergh) stage again. They were alright, but I only know and like one song (Spanish Sahara). Luckily they did it and it was ace. Although too much dry ice and a packed tent meant you couldn’t really see the stage.
After that, we went back round to the main stage to await Pulp. Now, Pulp and I have a long and intimate history, although Jarvis may not know it. I discovered Pulp when I was 14, and His and Hers was pretty much my sex education. Common People came out when I was 15 and was my favourite song of all time for well over five years. Jarvis was everything to me, I had Pulp posters all over my walls, went to arenas and forests to see him. He meant so much to me, but I fell out of love with him a bit when he seemed to shoot his own legacy in the foot, and then disappeared from the scene for a while. Still, those memories mean a lot.
Can you recapture that moment? Can you be 15 again, dancing to Common People in the Roadmender in Northampton, or seeing them live in Birmingham singing Acrylic Afternoons? Well, no, as it turns out. And it’s not really Jarvis’s fault; it feels more like mine. But it was also the crowds.
They came on to Do You Remember the First Time? Which you can’t really go wrong with, followed by one of their best songs ever, Pink Glove. Unfortunately halfway through this we were basically bystanders to an enormous ruck. A girl in a stupid hat was sitting on her boyfriend’s shoulders, when a short girl came and asked her if she could get down because she couldn’t see (er, there’s about 50,000 people here, why not move elsewhere where you can see? Don’t get me wrong, shoulder girl was an inconsiderate prick, but I think that was a requirement of being let into the festival). Shoulders girl refused. Short girl and co threw empty cups at her. Shoulder girl doesn’t respond. Then short girl and co throw a full pint at shoulder girl’s back (about a millimetre away from us, I might add). Shoulder girl gets down. Her boyfriend (a terrier in a denim shirt) turns round and goes ‘who threw that?’ Short girl’s boyfriend proudly declares, ‘me’. To which terrier boy charges at him and attacks him. I’ve never seen anything like it. They were just on the floor attacking each other and wouldn't let go, and about ten other people got involved. There was half one guy’s watch on the floor. My friend then went to shoulder girl and/or short girl, ‘you happy now?’ In the meantime, Pink Glove goes pretty much out the window. I wouldn’t say this was indicative of the crowd as a whole, but there sure were a LOT of idiots there. Also, because there were so many idiots there, we didn’t have the best view, even though we were near the front.
About three or four songs later, I turned to my boyfriend and said, ‘I’m not really feeling it’ and he said, ‘I know, it’s rubbish.’ Pulp! Rubbish? But no, Pulp weren’t rubbish. But the crowd were. This empty feeling also co-incided with me stopping drinking, which may have had something to do with it.
But Pulp did drop one or two clangers. Doing Mile End as the second or third song was pretty uninspired (me: ‘I don’t like Mile End’. My boyfriend: ‘No one does, not even Begbie’.) Ten minutes of This is Hardcore was unbearable then and unbearable now (that goes in there… yeah, we know. But why drag it out over ten minutes?). Following that with the sub-par Sunrise was also a setlist cock(er)-up.
Where was Lipgloss? Where was Razzmatazz? Where was A Little Soul? Acrylic Afternoons seemed a dim and distant memory (it is, it was about 15 years ago I saw it live). It did warm up towards the end (we moved, which helped) and Common People was brilliant, of course, but there was no encore. It felt like the set was half done. In the time Jarvis spent prattling nonsense between songs he could have snuck in Dogs are Everywhere. Also, Jarvis’s Stars in Your Eyes transformation into Rolf Harris is now complete. There’s no going back through that smoky door. And it's funny seeing the rest of Pulp, those cardboard cut-out friends of old, all lined up in a row. But life has changed.
Maybe all reunions feel a bit like this, a bit cold, a bit cash-in (even though Pulp never really broke up). What I'd really have liked is a new album from them, to show us that they do care about us and the music, and not just the cash. Maybe that will come; I hope so.
Disclaimer: I know YOU had an amazing time at Pulp, but this MY blog. And I did really enjoy the day, I just enjoyed the earlier parts more. And that's not right.
On the walk to the tube my friend said it's like going to see your old auntie and her giving you the same biscuits they have you 15 years ago, and they've gone a bit stale. Yet my aunt Morrissey's biscuits never go stale. Because she never went away. Well, she did for a bit. But then she came back guns blazing and got a number 2 record. I want Jarvis to do the same.