Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Reality! : Tool Academy

Remember that bit in Borat when he's on the bus with those moronic, braying, racist 'frat boys' (whatever that is) watching the Pamela Anderson porno? Well this show is like that, but on a loop, like in A Clockwork Orange.
Tool Academy puts a bunch of 'tools' (yes they really are using it in that sense) nominated by their partners on a reality show where they think they're there to 'party and win 100K' (yeah like that show exists). Apparently in previous years all the tools were men, but this year there's some women tools (yes this is the third series). Actually, they are being revealed as absolute pricks.
Grown men and women bragging about not having jobs, sleeping around, having rubbish tattoos and generally shouting and causing a scene like the worst party you could ever imagine. That's what this show is. They are so wholly unpleasant that it's almost unbearable to watch. ALMOST.
In the first show (which may well be the only one I watch) the partners watch as the tools 'party' which seems to involve trying to get off with each other, shouting into the camera about how brilliant they are, and finally, having a punch up.
Incidentally, one of them looks exactly like SHEA LE BOOF and no, as ever, I'm not looking up how to spell that. One guy is about 5 foot. Oh, that's the same guy. His name is 'Chasyn'. One guy said 'look at this body' so I did; it was fat. One is a lesbian who looks a bit like Maggie Gyllenhaal (also not looking up how to spell!) with a rather pretty girlfriend. One other girl said she grew up in a brothel, so how can she be faithful?!
If you saw your partner ON TELLY saying they were SINGLE and were going to fuck everyone in sight, really, what more is left to be said? Even Cheryl Cole could get that message.
Remember when Noirin's boyfriend on Big Brother did that kind of weird sexist doggy-style dance thing (it must have a name- I'll call it the twat dance) in the mirror where you mime kind of slapping someone around? Someone just did that.
One girl cried when they saw the video; the rest were just angry. Why bother, just leave! Oh, then there's no TV show.
So then they told them they were on Tool Academy. So probably then, outed as a tool, you'd leave. But no, because it's a TV show.
Oh, here's the host from Tool Academy. What's he going to be like, I wonder? Ah, a cardboard cut-out of a man.
They had this anti 'counselling session' where they show then videos of their 'tool' partners saying they are single or their partners are idiots. Lovely. More fighting! Jacob, the fat tool, then called the straight girl tool a 'ho' and talked possessively about 'his girl' who he didn't give two fucks about two seconds earlier. Nice. Oh then he called her a 'whore'. Delightful.
He was just insanely jealous about nothing! Even though he's the one who was in the wrong! What an arsehole. The straight girl tool looked smug when they showed the video of her being awful. Urgh.
I think I've heard the word 'tool' about 75,000 times in the past hour. I don't believe I know any men who talk about women behind their back like these people do. I'm not even sure these people exist.
So mini-Shea walked out because 'he's not a tool'. I hope he watches this show back in ten years time and weeps. Or gets AIDS. One or the other.
Apparently Mexico rhymes with 'Sexico'. In it's defence Mexico looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The beach looks gorgeous. I wanna get married there.
I'll leave you with some words from Brian Molko: 'I'm a fool, who's tool is small, it's so minuscule, it's no tool at all.'