Tamara: 'I like your hair like that' to Winston. I don't like Winston's hair like anything. It's shocking. Winston seems harmless, though. If Danielle wanted to do something really useful for womankind, she'd tell him off for saying bird. She probably thinks it's endearing, though.
Why does Kimberly like Danielle? I don't get it. Kimberly seems sane. I don't get this whole suitcase thing. I didn't even know they didn't even have their suitcases. Don't care much either. Shred, shred shred.
Danielle doesn't want sex talk 'in the presence of ladies.' Who does she think she is, David Walliams? She needs a parasol to hide under. Pass the smelling salts, m'lady!
I've realised evicting Tamara is the only way to stick it to Helen's crew; they've got the numbers and they need cutting down. Tamara is pretty harmless so far, but imagine the faces. It's worth it for that alone.
More finger blasting talk. I've never heard this expression before Big Brother. It's pretty grim, like someone's stripping wallpaper. Danielle: 'Lads will be lads' but apparently there's different rules for what women can talk about. She's not really helping herself, is she. Every part of me wants to evict her. But I know I'll regret it!
This task is obviously going to be shameful. I wouldn't 'act sexy' cos Big Brother told me to. Fuck, now I sound like Danielle.
Kimberly reminds me of Courtney Stodden moaning about her clothes. Toya is rocking the blue lipstick. I've never seen anyone work blue or black lipstick, hats off.
Pauline is just being cruel lording it over her power. I hope she's up next week. Ooh, we're onto the noms already. Mark and Helen looked upset Tamara was up, so that's a good reason to ditch Tamara. Ugh, Pauline's smug face again! It was bad enough last time.
OK, so Danielle started it with 'maybe it's cos I'm not being a fucking slag.' At least we know now. Oh it was Steven that shitstirred and told the others! Naughty. It's always a guy in the middle doing that and then they walk away all innocent!
Ha, Danielle immediately denying what she said. 'Fuck off you fucking idiot, do you know who you're talking to.' LOL. Helen: 'Get a wash and a hairbrush, you fat bitch.' Charming.
Surely 'I'm going to knock her out' is a threat? Revoke the pass to the finals! We can't put up with this woman until the finals. At least Doolally Danielle is entertaining. Helen is just rough.
Danielle is cracking up in the diary room because she knows her mask has slipped. Danielle wasn't calling Helen a slag specifically, I don't think. I think she was just calling all the sexually active women slags, lol.
How has Danielle got so many friends in the house, I just don't get it? There's nothing likeable about her, she's drab in mind, body and spirit. Are they seeing something we don't? Is it in the edit?
What is Pauline going on about?! She's the wooden spoon and then some. Jale IS actually handling herself well. Pauline is just Vinnie Jones in a dress. Well, jeggings.
I'm glad Chris isn't afraid to be honest about Pauline in the DR. I hope he has the balls to nominate her. There's going to be a serious divide this year and you need to make sure you're on the right side of the crack, fast. And if the wrong person gets the power next, God help us, and God help the viewing figures. Kimberly; good luck trying to get some sense out of that rotten old cunt Helen. I can't bear people who won't accept people's apologies. It takes a lot to apologise. Helen is a gigantic bitch in more ways than one. She is a humourless giraffe. Helen: "I don't want your apology, stick it up your fucking arse.' Danielle's best response to this would have been, 'What, like you did with Wayne Rooney's cock?' But she's too classy (!) for that. Now I've sunk to this level. See what this show does to you?
BBashleigh seems like she might be alright, you know, if she ever gets to fucking speak. I still don't get why her and Kimberly are hanging round with Danielle, she a dead woman walking. The bitchy crowd are going to gang up on them and it's going to be game over, just like what happened to Benedict and Lauren.
I guess BB is going to have to fix who gets the next power, right? Let's hope it's someone with the sense to put Pauline up, and watch her minions disperse.
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
Monday, 9 June 2014
Big Brother 2014: If you don't like it, fuck off
Oh no, the blokes in the house haven't got their hands down their trousers already, have they? There was someone in Big Brother Canada who couldn't stop scratching himself, it was the ultimate in gross.
I want to try that Ultimate Blends shampoo - good advertising.
Why did Dexter ever go near this fucking munt? She's worse than Charlie 'yeah yeah yeah' Travers.
I don't know who's up for noms cos I've not looked on my timeline on Twit! I prefer not to know!
Danielle nommed Matthew; typical, my favourite person! And Steven, also a good character, if an enormous penis. I'm surprised she didn't nominate the girls, she seems like that sort. Imagine referring to vaginas as your 'reproductive system'! Sexy times.
Andrew is nominating Danielle right back and getting her name wrong. I love his skinny snarkiness. Ooh and Jale, too. Perfect. LOL is Andrew standing up for Pauline?! I thought he was going to destroy her!
I have to agree with Toya's nomination for Marlon, hands down pants is gross, but Christopher?! Come on now. What he said was spot on. Of ALL the people in the house to nominate, why choose him!
Why isn't EVERYONE nominating Danielle? I do not understand. She's a fun ruiner of the highest order. Ditch her!
Christopher is nominating Danielle, thank God. Probably because she's a homophobe. Oh no, Christopher nominated Matthew. Boo. I keep calling Matthew Andrew. I don't know why.
Helen nominated Jale for eye-roll gate. She also nominated Ashleigh, probably for being young and pretty. I've heard Ashleigh say a few things already, she doesn't seem reserved to me.
Kimberly nommed Tamara for being rude. Fair dos. She also nominated Ash. Good. I'd like to see him sweat. I like Kimberly. She seems sensible.
Pauline and Jale are butting heads already. I hate women who think it's OK for men to eat like pigs but when a woman tries to eat the same amount she gets told off. Pauline was not 'joking', Mark, you lickspittle. He is so far up Pauline's arse I'm surprised his sunglasses aren't getting steamed up.
Marlon nominated Toya, whilst wearing not enough clothes. I'm glad he nominated Mark, though. Although I hate Mark and Marlon pretty much equally.
Winston was in a relationship for ten years! That's a shocker. Maybe he has more depth than we thought? Maybe?!
Chris nommed Tamara. I don't want Tamara to go. He also nominated Winston! What's the fucking point?! Winston is going nowhere.
I really hope Pauline gives the killer nomination to Jale and not Chris, although I still think it's unfair on Jale.
Why is Mark nominating Kimberly? There's so many arseholes in there! I just don't get it. It's not that hard to pronounce Jale if you listen and show someone a bit of respect.
Oh bloody hell, Tamara is nominating Jale, too. And Kimberly! Why isn't anyone nominating Danielle! FFS. Yeah it is dumb for you to say 'do chick peas grow on a bush', Tamara. I thought you were meant to have a high IQ?
DID Jale have a big lunch? Can anyone deny or confirm? It's unfair to call out a fat person for being greedy, it's demeaning, a bit like being called Slugsworth.
Winston's nominations: Marlon (his competition) for being 'too nice'. Ha. Oh at last someone else nominates Danielle. 'Seems a bit miserable at times'?! That's a gross understatement.
Ash nominated Danielle (yes!) and also BBAshleigh for going to bed early. Christ, there's so many people moaning in that house. They've been in there a few days. Get a grip!
Tamara saying Jale 'looks a bit thick' just sounds cruel. Jale nominated Steven and... er, I've written Jale, so that can't be right.
Hmm, Ashleigh nominated Tamara, too. Interesting. Tamara is obviously a bit cliquey. Oh, Ashleigh nominated Winston too. Again; what is the point?!
Steven nominated Jale. And Chris for his VT and the pissing comment! For God's sake. The poor sod. Steven is being pretty camp in the diary room.
Ooh, Danielle, Jale and Tamara up. All women. Big Brother never lets us down, does it? I have noticed everyone talking all over each other, too. It's worse than my podcast.
I like Matthew, he's so awk. Ooh, Toya is sizing up the memory wall. She's a shrewd one.
Chris and Danielle moaning about being there. Yawn.
I hate the way Jale talks. She's so monotone. I wouldn't trust Matthew if I were her. He's probably going to report back to the mother crone.
Uh oh, porno talk. Steven likes gangbangs. Ash and Marlon can't concentrate on threesomes, haha. Poor things. I don't think I would discuss what porn I watch on TV. It's a bit TMI. But I have no objection to others doing it. Whatever floats your boat, I'm a bit of a prude, but no Danielle.
Plus, Danielle, you're a topless model. That's just a form of sex work, isn't it? PS: You've got the face you deserve. A screw face.
And now for the Big Brother live surprise. Not gonna be much of a surprise as pretty obvious Pauline is going to nominate Jale. Unless she won't be able to, because Jale is already up? Then it will be Chris.
Ooh, dimmed lights, drama.
I like Toya's blue lipstick but can you imagine someone squawking 'I need a piss' at Julie Chen? Have some decorum, woman!
Is Danielle REALLY that surprised about being up for eviction? Talk about no self awareness.
Look how smug Pauline looks about her killer nomination. Jale will stay - no doubt about it. At least say sorry, for fuck's sake, Pauline.You've not got the power anymore!
So the next power housemate will be undercover, like the MVP (most valued player) in BBUS (or like the MVP should have been if it wasn't a fix).
Jale is handling it quite well, I think I'd cry. Big Brother is being quite tricksy here because this is going to cause major ructions. It's not great either way because I don't like Jale, but I hate what they've done to her too, so I'm forced to back her up. Save Slugsworth! Let's give Pauline a shock.
Ooh, they're arguing! Sweet! I thought Danielle didn't swear?! She just said 'fuck' about 50 times.
Did Pauline just say Danielle and Tamara aren't going anywhere?! THIS IS WHY WE NEED LIVE FEED! What happened in that ad break?! This is exciting!
Helen sounds like she's being a cunt, but she's got a point about Danielle swearing. I can't work out what's going on or who's on who's side! I need a diagram with red string on pinpointing the alliances! Who did Danielle call a slag? I hate the word slag, I hate it so much. It's just hate speech against women as far as I'm concerned and even worse out of other women's mouths, especially people who strip off for a living. Can't we just let each other do whatever we want without propping up the patriarchy?
Helen calling Danielle a 'morbid, miserable ugly bitch.' Weeeeeeelll.
And then it ends. It's like someone switching off a good film. And still we watch. And still we moan.
I want to try that Ultimate Blends shampoo - good advertising.
Why did Dexter ever go near this fucking munt? She's worse than Charlie 'yeah yeah yeah' Travers.
I don't know who's up for noms cos I've not looked on my timeline on Twit! I prefer not to know!
Danielle nommed Matthew; typical, my favourite person! And Steven, also a good character, if an enormous penis. I'm surprised she didn't nominate the girls, she seems like that sort. Imagine referring to vaginas as your 'reproductive system'! Sexy times.
Andrew is nominating Danielle right back and getting her name wrong. I love his skinny snarkiness. Ooh and Jale, too. Perfect. LOL is Andrew standing up for Pauline?! I thought he was going to destroy her!
I have to agree with Toya's nomination for Marlon, hands down pants is gross, but Christopher?! Come on now. What he said was spot on. Of ALL the people in the house to nominate, why choose him!
Why isn't EVERYONE nominating Danielle? I do not understand. She's a fun ruiner of the highest order. Ditch her!
Christopher is nominating Danielle, thank God. Probably because she's a homophobe. Oh no, Christopher nominated Matthew. Boo. I keep calling Matthew Andrew. I don't know why.
Helen nominated Jale for eye-roll gate. She also nominated Ashleigh, probably for being young and pretty. I've heard Ashleigh say a few things already, she doesn't seem reserved to me.
Kimberly nommed Tamara for being rude. Fair dos. She also nominated Ash. Good. I'd like to see him sweat. I like Kimberly. She seems sensible.
Pauline and Jale are butting heads already. I hate women who think it's OK for men to eat like pigs but when a woman tries to eat the same amount she gets told off. Pauline was not 'joking', Mark, you lickspittle. He is so far up Pauline's arse I'm surprised his sunglasses aren't getting steamed up.
Marlon nominated Toya, whilst wearing not enough clothes. I'm glad he nominated Mark, though. Although I hate Mark and Marlon pretty much equally.
Winston was in a relationship for ten years! That's a shocker. Maybe he has more depth than we thought? Maybe?!
Chris nommed Tamara. I don't want Tamara to go. He also nominated Winston! What's the fucking point?! Winston is going nowhere.
I really hope Pauline gives the killer nomination to Jale and not Chris, although I still think it's unfair on Jale.
Why is Mark nominating Kimberly? There's so many arseholes in there! I just don't get it. It's not that hard to pronounce Jale if you listen and show someone a bit of respect.
Oh bloody hell, Tamara is nominating Jale, too. And Kimberly! Why isn't anyone nominating Danielle! FFS. Yeah it is dumb for you to say 'do chick peas grow on a bush', Tamara. I thought you were meant to have a high IQ?
DID Jale have a big lunch? Can anyone deny or confirm? It's unfair to call out a fat person for being greedy, it's demeaning, a bit like being called Slugsworth.
Winston's nominations: Marlon (his competition) for being 'too nice'. Ha. Oh at last someone else nominates Danielle. 'Seems a bit miserable at times'?! That's a gross understatement.
Ash nominated Danielle (yes!) and also BBAshleigh for going to bed early. Christ, there's so many people moaning in that house. They've been in there a few days. Get a grip!
Tamara saying Jale 'looks a bit thick' just sounds cruel. Jale nominated Steven and... er, I've written Jale, so that can't be right.
Hmm, Ashleigh nominated Tamara, too. Interesting. Tamara is obviously a bit cliquey. Oh, Ashleigh nominated Winston too. Again; what is the point?!
Steven nominated Jale. And Chris for his VT and the pissing comment! For God's sake. The poor sod. Steven is being pretty camp in the diary room.
Ooh, Danielle, Jale and Tamara up. All women. Big Brother never lets us down, does it? I have noticed everyone talking all over each other, too. It's worse than my podcast.
I like Matthew, he's so awk. Ooh, Toya is sizing up the memory wall. She's a shrewd one.
Chris and Danielle moaning about being there. Yawn.
I hate the way Jale talks. She's so monotone. I wouldn't trust Matthew if I were her. He's probably going to report back to the mother crone.
Uh oh, porno talk. Steven likes gangbangs. Ash and Marlon can't concentrate on threesomes, haha. Poor things. I don't think I would discuss what porn I watch on TV. It's a bit TMI. But I have no objection to others doing it. Whatever floats your boat, I'm a bit of a prude, but no Danielle.
Plus, Danielle, you're a topless model. That's just a form of sex work, isn't it? PS: You've got the face you deserve. A screw face.
And now for the Big Brother live surprise. Not gonna be much of a surprise as pretty obvious Pauline is going to nominate Jale. Unless she won't be able to, because Jale is already up? Then it will be Chris.
Ooh, dimmed lights, drama.
I like Toya's blue lipstick but can you imagine someone squawking 'I need a piss' at Julie Chen? Have some decorum, woman!
Is Danielle REALLY that surprised about being up for eviction? Talk about no self awareness.
Look how smug Pauline looks about her killer nomination. Jale will stay - no doubt about it. At least say sorry, for fuck's sake, Pauline.You've not got the power anymore!
So the next power housemate will be undercover, like the MVP (most valued player) in BBUS (or like the MVP should have been if it wasn't a fix).
Jale is handling it quite well, I think I'd cry. Big Brother is being quite tricksy here because this is going to cause major ructions. It's not great either way because I don't like Jale, but I hate what they've done to her too, so I'm forced to back her up. Save Slugsworth! Let's give Pauline a shock.
Ooh, they're arguing! Sweet! I thought Danielle didn't swear?! She just said 'fuck' about 50 times.
Did Pauline just say Danielle and Tamara aren't going anywhere?! THIS IS WHY WE NEED LIVE FEED! What happened in that ad break?! This is exciting!
Helen sounds like she's being a cunt, but she's got a point about Danielle swearing. I can't work out what's going on or who's on who's side! I need a diagram with red string on pinpointing the alliances! Who did Danielle call a slag? I hate the word slag, I hate it so much. It's just hate speech against women as far as I'm concerned and even worse out of other women's mouths, especially people who strip off for a living. Can't we just let each other do whatever we want without propping up the patriarchy?
Helen calling Danielle a 'morbid, miserable ugly bitch.' Weeeeeeelll.
And then it ends. It's like someone switching off a good film. And still we watch. And still we moan.
Sunday, 8 June 2014
Big Brother 2014: I've got me fanny spray
Can't they show different highlights to the ones they show on BOTS? Surely another ten minutes of things worth happening must have happened in 24 hours. Cheapskates. Lazy fuckers. Also, why can't we have the three measly hours of live feed they gave us online during the worst CBB season ever (the one the bedwetter won)? So stupid. If someone with half a brain ran that show they could make fortunes.
I like Jale's pyjamas; shame she's such a dick. Helen's more than being 'stand offish', Slugsworth, she's coined a nickname for you that you will probably stick longer than 'Halfwit'. God, everyone is moaning already! STFU. Did you want to want to be in the Big Brother house or not?! Suck it up!
Pauline is stirring the pot most literally and metaphorically. Toya is using 'fanny spray' - watch out for thrush there. Someone had a yeast infection on Big Brother Canada; Toya could be next.
God, the first lot are being so nasty about the second lot! You were only in there a day earlier, you'd think they owned the place. Mark: 'There's no one I'm worried about being up against.' Hello Sezar/ Dustin. I hope you're wrong because you're really starting to get on my wick.
Danielle is so CLASSY, with her topless pics, sex chat phonelines and kiss and tells on Dexter. I have no problem with anyone doing topless modelling, but I have a major problem with someone being such a dried up sour-faced hypocrite.
Chris's VT is getting him into more trouble than Callum's! Poor sod. Talk about Lord of the Flies.
Pauline vs Jale is going to be a power struggle, and I've never liked Jale, and I've gone right off Pauline. It's like having two Carole's in the house.
Helen and Mark are also being prize arseholes. My opinions on people have changed so much in a couple of days, who knows what I'll be saying next week. Something equally nasty no doubt.
Why did Pauline choose Danielle to take for lunch? Why has Mark got sunglasses on? Why are Mark and Helen being rewarded twice? I think Christopher does have a point to be honest - Pauline should have chosen differently and also more strategically - ie. to make even more people like her.
I look less slobby than Danielle when I'm hanging out in my living room and she's a lingerie model? She is dog rough, and I wouldn't say that unless she was odious. You think on your second day in the house you'd put your fucking make up on at least. You're on telly! (Sexist)
WHAT CHRIS SAID WAS A JOKE! FFS how thick ARE you people?! Pauline is fucking LORDING it. This is a pure bitch fest.
Winston to Tamara: 'Come in with the Winsmeister' - I think I'd rather get in the bath with Dappy. Together Tamara and Winston they've got too many teeth. They're like velociraptors.
Danielle kiss of death to Jale: 'You're a really nice person.'
I like Toya's turn of phrase: 'You know what really got under my weave.' Pauline has made a big boo boo inviting Helen, Mark and Danielle into that room. She's gonna be up sooner rather than later.
Why aren't people calling Danielle out on her hate speech? They barely even raised an eyebrow. Oh, Marlon and Kimberly actually got up and walked off. Still; they should have said something. An opinion that denies people their civil rights is really worth challenging. Disappointing. Someone tell Christopher!
Oh, it's a classic shitstir task - lining them up in order of most attractive etc. Why is Pauline in control again? OVEREXPOSED!
Mark proud that he doesn't know what manipulative or obnoxious means, the thick twat. Did these people even go to school? Why is Matthew getting such a rum deal in this task?! Boo.
Pauline could throw some of the new housemates a bone, FFS. Why do the three who went to the lunch get to go to a party, too? Oh, to piss people off. I'm surprised she picked Matthew. Maybe she's feeling guilty about the box.
Oh Helen, are you really that STUPID about Chris! Do you not understand SARCASM? You thick piece of shit. Oh dear, so much hate already.
I like Jale's jumper as well. Is Jale my new fashion icon? I didn't like her red dress on launch night, though. I'm not insane.
I love watching people dance, it's the lols. Why has Ash got his sunglasses on at the dinner table? Manners! Douche alert. Matthew wants the power! I want Matthew to have the power.
Oh my God, people are getting DRUNK in the Big Brother house! Danielle: 'I'm not used to all that nonsense.' What, people enjoying themselves? No wonder this bitch has got a face like a wet weekend, she's never had a laugh in her life.
Anyway, a house full of pricks does make for good entertainment. But also high blood pressure. And it's only just begun. God help us.
I like Jale's pyjamas; shame she's such a dick. Helen's more than being 'stand offish', Slugsworth, she's coined a nickname for you that you will probably stick longer than 'Halfwit'. God, everyone is moaning already! STFU. Did you want to want to be in the Big Brother house or not?! Suck it up!
Pauline is stirring the pot most literally and metaphorically. Toya is using 'fanny spray' - watch out for thrush there. Someone had a yeast infection on Big Brother Canada; Toya could be next.
God, the first lot are being so nasty about the second lot! You were only in there a day earlier, you'd think they owned the place. Mark: 'There's no one I'm worried about being up against.' Hello Sezar/ Dustin. I hope you're wrong because you're really starting to get on my wick.
Danielle is so CLASSY, with her topless pics, sex chat phonelines and kiss and tells on Dexter. I have no problem with anyone doing topless modelling, but I have a major problem with someone being such a dried up sour-faced hypocrite.
Chris's VT is getting him into more trouble than Callum's! Poor sod. Talk about Lord of the Flies.
Pauline vs Jale is going to be a power struggle, and I've never liked Jale, and I've gone right off Pauline. It's like having two Carole's in the house.
Helen and Mark are also being prize arseholes. My opinions on people have changed so much in a couple of days, who knows what I'll be saying next week. Something equally nasty no doubt.
Why did Pauline choose Danielle to take for lunch? Why has Mark got sunglasses on? Why are Mark and Helen being rewarded twice? I think Christopher does have a point to be honest - Pauline should have chosen differently and also more strategically - ie. to make even more people like her.
I look less slobby than Danielle when I'm hanging out in my living room and she's a lingerie model? She is dog rough, and I wouldn't say that unless she was odious. You think on your second day in the house you'd put your fucking make up on at least. You're on telly! (Sexist)
WHAT CHRIS SAID WAS A JOKE! FFS how thick ARE you people?! Pauline is fucking LORDING it. This is a pure bitch fest.
Winston to Tamara: 'Come in with the Winsmeister' - I think I'd rather get in the bath with Dappy. Together Tamara and Winston they've got too many teeth. They're like velociraptors.
Danielle kiss of death to Jale: 'You're a really nice person.'
I like Toya's turn of phrase: 'You know what really got under my weave.' Pauline has made a big boo boo inviting Helen, Mark and Danielle into that room. She's gonna be up sooner rather than later.
Why aren't people calling Danielle out on her hate speech? They barely even raised an eyebrow. Oh, Marlon and Kimberly actually got up and walked off. Still; they should have said something. An opinion that denies people their civil rights is really worth challenging. Disappointing. Someone tell Christopher!
Oh, it's a classic shitstir task - lining them up in order of most attractive etc. Why is Pauline in control again? OVEREXPOSED!
Mark proud that he doesn't know what manipulative or obnoxious means, the thick twat. Did these people even go to school? Why is Matthew getting such a rum deal in this task?! Boo.
Pauline could throw some of the new housemates a bone, FFS. Why do the three who went to the lunch get to go to a party, too? Oh, to piss people off. I'm surprised she picked Matthew. Maybe she's feeling guilty about the box.
Oh Helen, are you really that STUPID about Chris! Do you not understand SARCASM? You thick piece of shit. Oh dear, so much hate already.
I like Jale's jumper as well. Is Jale my new fashion icon? I didn't like her red dress on launch night, though. I'm not insane.
I love watching people dance, it's the lols. Why has Ash got his sunglasses on at the dinner table? Manners! Douche alert. Matthew wants the power! I want Matthew to have the power.
Oh my God, people are getting DRUNK in the Big Brother house! Danielle: 'I'm not used to all that nonsense.' What, people enjoying themselves? No wonder this bitch has got a face like a wet weekend, she's never had a laugh in her life.
Anyway, a house full of pricks does make for good entertainment. But also high blood pressure. And it's only just begun. God help us.
Friday, 6 June 2014
Big Brother 2014: Launch Show (again)
Evening! I'm going to try and be more positive tonight. Tee hee!
I've decided I like the wanker in the box the best. Let's face it, it's a power move being up there, as everyone has to come out and talk to you, no matter how much he gripes. They should have just picked one of the boxes up in a crane and thrown it over the Borehamwood borders. He's clearly a complete bastard but I love a sarky posho.
Mark: 'I'm not having this.' Fine, don't have the five grand, then. I liked Pauline mimicking him.
Matthew was hardly 'completely excluded', people were talking to him all night.
Pauline to Matthew: 'You'll get over it.' Matthew: 'You will be sorry.' Matthew is not taking it in very good humour.
Winston and Steven sizing up the women like they're prize cattle. This pair are unbearable. They make the metrosexual empty brainboxes of of series' past like Dale, Kris and Luke S look likeable. Hair watch: Steven has a comb over, and who knows what's going on with Winston's head. The amount of plucked male eyebrow in that house is upsetting.
Bidet talk! Very posh.
Andrew: 'People always have bad impressions of me.' Why could that be, I wonder, as he sits there sulking and frowning at everyone, whilst making veiled threats and adding 'just kidding'?
Who does Danielle model for, the Innovations catalogue? She looks like fucking Grotbags. Ugly inside and out.
Tamara looks like a not-much-younger Katie Hopkins in her memory wall pic.
Matthew 'wouldn't even want the power.' OK then.
Who's pissed on the toilet seat!? Christopher! That was a short whodunnit. I suppose it's good he admitted it, but why do that?! Gross. If there's ever poo on the loo seat, he's the prime suspect.
Tamara is finding Danielle and Helen 'monotonous'. It's the first night! Her type is 'good looking and stupid'. Unlucky on both counts in there, then.
LOL to Danielle putting a dampener on Kimberly wanting to get naked. Spoilsport!
Stockbroker talk with Winston and Danielle. High brow. She likes a real 'man's man.' Why the fuck is she talking to this walking douche-monger then?
Steven looking Kimberly up and down as he's talking to her. Ugh. Steven: 'I've been to 190 countries.' Chat up line of the year.
Kimberly: 'I wouldn't say I'm intelligent but I've just finished my Masters.' Way to insult yourself. Guessing people's age! Dangerous.
Pauline is quite shrewd saying she's only got the power for one night. But how long can she get away with that?
OMG Pauline gets to give a new housemate a pass to the BB final! So whoever she picks, we have to put up with them all summer. I hope she doesn't give it to Mark, I'm finding him a bit fake. It's a bit unfair on the second lot as she's not met them. Would it have been better if she'd got to kick one out? Pauline needs to keep Matthew because she could beat him at the end. Strategy! She's bound to give it to someone she's bonded with over the past 24 hours. I trust her decision more than most.
New housemates! Toya. The UK's Ika (BB Canada reference for you there). 'Momma didn't raise no fool.' She's got 'dictatorish' tendencies. I like Toya, she's not going to take any prisoners. She has a 'different personality for each of her weaves.' I hope she takes some of these 'first night' girls down.
Chris is in next. 'I'm going to be a right misery in the house.' Great opening line. Pound shop Dom Joly. He's gonna 'urinate in the kitchen.' Sandy's already done that. He seems like a 'normal person.' Ugh, Chris is creeping up to Emma. I'm glad she gave him the cheek. We're getting Jack and Joe's dad vibes here.
Next in is Ashleigh. Oh no, Northern Irish accent. I can't deal with it. Pretty, though. The other girls (Tamara and Danielle) will hate her.
This lot already seem like a better bunch than last night. Mind you, you could put the Westboro Baptist Church lot in there and they'd probably be more charming than Danielle, Matthew and Steven. They'd have the signs ready made for outside, too.
Is Pauline getting to see the VTs (technical talk) too?
Next in is Marlon. He works 'in optics.' Is that opticians or behind a bar? 'Marlicio'. How can he be straight wearing that studded vest? I can't bear all these metrosexuals. It really signals to me the end of humanity. Men should be hairy and a bit dirty. I would rather go celibate than sleep with a man that uses hairspray, has skinny jeans or plucks his eyebrows.
Next housemate! Ash is a male model. 90s hair. Is that in vogue? He's like Ziggy 2.0. It's not you, it's me. I like the zoom in on the boat shoes. All boat shoes should be incinerated, all in one huge bonfire, tonight. Start gathering them up. Quicker!
Jale is the last house mate in. Oh great, a gobby fat person. She's taking healing crystals into the house. Wolfy times!
Pauline IS getting to see the VTs! Interesting. That's a LOT of power. Minority report times!
Why does Pauline like Ash so much? He was talking just as much smack. I had a suspicion she would pick Helen. It will give her a chance to show that she's more than just someone who slept with Wayne Rooney too. I wonder who her other choice would have been?
I suppose it would be frightening to be given a free pass to the final in a way as you'll never know if you're liked. But then again! She'll have a big target on her back, but it don't matter. She can just treat everyone like shit and they can't evict her! Bhahaha.
Aw that's so cute that Pauline and Helen crying. They are obviously genuine people.
OMG Pauline is going to be able to nominate the same person every week! I'm not sure about that. Unless it's Danielle. I suppose if she nominates a big enough arsehole they will go anyway.
So I guess the moral of the story is: be nice to Pauline. And if you haven't already; be very afraid.
I've decided I like the wanker in the box the best. Let's face it, it's a power move being up there, as everyone has to come out and talk to you, no matter how much he gripes. They should have just picked one of the boxes up in a crane and thrown it over the Borehamwood borders. He's clearly a complete bastard but I love a sarky posho.
Mark: 'I'm not having this.' Fine, don't have the five grand, then. I liked Pauline mimicking him.
Matthew was hardly 'completely excluded', people were talking to him all night.
Pauline to Matthew: 'You'll get over it.' Matthew: 'You will be sorry.' Matthew is not taking it in very good humour.
Winston and Steven sizing up the women like they're prize cattle. This pair are unbearable. They make the metrosexual empty brainboxes of of series' past like Dale, Kris and Luke S look likeable. Hair watch: Steven has a comb over, and who knows what's going on with Winston's head. The amount of plucked male eyebrow in that house is upsetting.
Bidet talk! Very posh.
Andrew: 'People always have bad impressions of me.' Why could that be, I wonder, as he sits there sulking and frowning at everyone, whilst making veiled threats and adding 'just kidding'?
Who does Danielle model for, the Innovations catalogue? She looks like fucking Grotbags. Ugly inside and out.
Tamara looks like a not-much-younger Katie Hopkins in her memory wall pic.
Matthew 'wouldn't even want the power.' OK then.
Who's pissed on the toilet seat!? Christopher! That was a short whodunnit. I suppose it's good he admitted it, but why do that?! Gross. If there's ever poo on the loo seat, he's the prime suspect.
Tamara is finding Danielle and Helen 'monotonous'. It's the first night! Her type is 'good looking and stupid'. Unlucky on both counts in there, then.
LOL to Danielle putting a dampener on Kimberly wanting to get naked. Spoilsport!
Stockbroker talk with Winston and Danielle. High brow. She likes a real 'man's man.' Why the fuck is she talking to this walking douche-monger then?
Steven looking Kimberly up and down as he's talking to her. Ugh. Steven: 'I've been to 190 countries.' Chat up line of the year.
Kimberly: 'I wouldn't say I'm intelligent but I've just finished my Masters.' Way to insult yourself. Guessing people's age! Dangerous.
Pauline is quite shrewd saying she's only got the power for one night. But how long can she get away with that?
OMG Pauline gets to give a new housemate a pass to the BB final! So whoever she picks, we have to put up with them all summer. I hope she doesn't give it to Mark, I'm finding him a bit fake. It's a bit unfair on the second lot as she's not met them. Would it have been better if she'd got to kick one out? Pauline needs to keep Matthew because she could beat him at the end. Strategy! She's bound to give it to someone she's bonded with over the past 24 hours. I trust her decision more than most.
New housemates! Toya. The UK's Ika (BB Canada reference for you there). 'Momma didn't raise no fool.' She's got 'dictatorish' tendencies. I like Toya, she's not going to take any prisoners. She has a 'different personality for each of her weaves.' I hope she takes some of these 'first night' girls down.
Chris is in next. 'I'm going to be a right misery in the house.' Great opening line. Pound shop Dom Joly. He's gonna 'urinate in the kitchen.' Sandy's already done that. He seems like a 'normal person.' Ugh, Chris is creeping up to Emma. I'm glad she gave him the cheek. We're getting Jack and Joe's dad vibes here.
Next in is Ashleigh. Oh no, Northern Irish accent. I can't deal with it. Pretty, though. The other girls (Tamara and Danielle) will hate her.
This lot already seem like a better bunch than last night. Mind you, you could put the Westboro Baptist Church lot in there and they'd probably be more charming than Danielle, Matthew and Steven. They'd have the signs ready made for outside, too.
Is Pauline getting to see the VTs (technical talk) too?
Next in is Marlon. He works 'in optics.' Is that opticians or behind a bar? 'Marlicio'. How can he be straight wearing that studded vest? I can't bear all these metrosexuals. It really signals to me the end of humanity. Men should be hairy and a bit dirty. I would rather go celibate than sleep with a man that uses hairspray, has skinny jeans or plucks his eyebrows.
Next housemate! Ash is a male model. 90s hair. Is that in vogue? He's like Ziggy 2.0. It's not you, it's me. I like the zoom in on the boat shoes. All boat shoes should be incinerated, all in one huge bonfire, tonight. Start gathering them up. Quicker!
Jale is the last house mate in. Oh great, a gobby fat person. She's taking healing crystals into the house. Wolfy times!
Pauline IS getting to see the VTs! Interesting. That's a LOT of power. Minority report times!
Why does Pauline like Ash so much? He was talking just as much smack. I had a suspicion she would pick Helen. It will give her a chance to show that she's more than just someone who slept with Wayne Rooney too. I wonder who her other choice would have been?
I suppose it would be frightening to be given a free pass to the final in a way as you'll never know if you're liked. But then again! She'll have a big target on her back, but it don't matter. She can just treat everyone like shit and they can't evict her! Bhahaha.
Aw that's so cute that Pauline and Helen crying. They are obviously genuine people.
OMG Pauline is going to be able to nominate the same person every week! I'm not sure about that. Unless it's Danielle. I suppose if she nominates a big enough arsehole they will go anyway.
So I guess the moral of the story is: be nice to Pauline. And if you haven't already; be very afraid.
Thursday, 5 June 2014
Big Brother 2014 Launch show: Power trip
Hey! I've forgotten how to write a blog. I'm drunk from the get go, which is folly as the only way to go is down. Still, I'll give it a go. I've done it for enough years! A friend of mine is at the launch show. I will be scaling the crowd for his lovely face. Ah, the familiarity of the crowd noise and the theme tune. It's like a comfort blanket.
The power is in our hands! If you say so. Remember once on BBUS when the clue to the question was 'the power is up for grabs?' WE DO. It was hard.
Ooh look at the house, it looks all day glo. I don't look at the pictures early, I prefer to see it on the night. I don't see the point of a toilet that washes you. There's no camera in the loo anyway. House looks quite good. That was a really short house tour, which is good.
DR chair does look good, I must admit, looks like something from Alton Towers.
Tamara is the first housemate: 'I revel in power and control.' Eh? She's like some cunt from The Apprentice. She doesn't like housewives and men are disposable. She's happy to backstab or be ruthless, lol. Boooooo!
Ugh, BB is telling me what to hashtag. Get to fuck. Tamara is bringing brains and beauty. What about the brawn? 'Hates veggies, animal rights people and the unemployed.' Cut to Swampy entering the house.
What's Emma Willis wearing!? Looks like Julie Chen's cast offs.
Mark is in next. He's a visual merchandiser. Yellow jacket. What? HD brows. LOL. His accent is bugging. Someone went 'whatever' when he walked in. Enough said. He gave Tamara a super fake hug. They both look like a right pair of arseholes.
Next in is Helen. Another wannabe. Oh she fucked Wayne Rooney. Why is she in the normal version, doesn't that make her a 'celeb', ha? I hope they have some normal people. I don't want all these fake people. People aren't booing her that bad. She likes animals! Don't tell Tamara. LOL to her and Tamara wearing virtually the same dress.
Next is Steven. Another Apprentice contestant! I get the power thing but yawn. He's got the car. He's got the house. He's got the ankle swingers. He's got the paperwork. He's got the sunglasses. He's 23 going on 40. A posh Jay Mcray.
One housemate to rule them all! Will it be Danielle? I doubt it. Another businesswoman! Doesn't believe in sex before marriage or same sex marriage. A thick cunt then. And ugly, too. Claims to have the 'moral high ground.' Self proclaimed moral high ground is always dangerous. She's come as a fucking leprechaun. If she had to eat one food forever it would be caviar or lobster. Can't add up to one.
Next is Winston. He's a 'bit more smarter'. Why are they are business people?! Bugging. 'Fit birds' - ugh. This seems like the worst cast in a long time. It's quite nightmarish so far. Alan Sugar would kick these slippery little mugs into touch.
Matthew doesn't like thick people. Unlucky! 'Well everyone has cleaners, don't they?' Loafers. Cardie. Rude to waiters. My favourite! He's actually the most interesting so far. He looks like he could do with a good meal. He's got no arse. I think he wants to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint. He looks really nervous and green.
Next in is Kimberly. Never trust someone who can't spell their own name. American, Playboy model and business brain. What is military theory? She might be a master strategist. Where's the thickos and the geeks?
Christopher seems more normal than the others. Did he say he was a dairy farmer and a journalist, or am I tripping? He hates people who are devoid of personality. I love them. His idols are Madonna and John Snow. Maybe he likes jazzy socks. He reminds me of Aaron.
Pauline is the last housemate of the night aged 49. At least she's different to the others in that she's a rapper and not a faux business twat. She did the crap rap on Shocked by Kylie. That was a bad album.
I don't like Big Brother when there's no one I can get behind, I don't enjoy it (see Big Brother Canada 2).
I don't want to vote for one housemate to have the power but at a push and against the clock, I voted for Christopher. It was him or Matthew.
My TV isn't letting me pause which is annoying, as I have 5% free. What's the deal!
Jazzy P has got the HOH key! She can't understand simple instructions, though. Hold on, who the fuck is Iris? It's like POD on Snog, Marry, Avoid.
Pauline, punish Danielle! I think she'll make the right decision, she seems quite sensible. She's rewarding Mark, I thought she would, she laughed when he spoke. She chose to punish Matthew as he said he was intolerant, and I think she heard that as racist, which is fair enough! I don't like that room she's in, it looks duff, like Knightmare.
They have to step inside two boxes. My boyfriend predicts one as gunk and one as grab a grand. Matthew and Mark are having an eyebrow off! Mark should have to grab the cash. TARGET!
Matthew is getting sent to solitary confinement! He's gotta do a Dan Gheesling and turn it to his advantage.
So six more housemates tomorrow night. Let's hope we get some nice people, for fuck's sake. These arseholes don't look like they have a sense of humour between them.
Well the twist wasn't too offensive, but wasn't exactly original either. Bring on tomorrow. Unimpressed so far, but that means nothing. See you on Spreaker (I hope!)
The power is in our hands! If you say so. Remember once on BBUS when the clue to the question was 'the power is up for grabs?' WE DO. It was hard.
Ooh look at the house, it looks all day glo. I don't look at the pictures early, I prefer to see it on the night. I don't see the point of a toilet that washes you. There's no camera in the loo anyway. House looks quite good. That was a really short house tour, which is good.
DR chair does look good, I must admit, looks like something from Alton Towers.
Tamara is the first housemate: 'I revel in power and control.' Eh? She's like some cunt from The Apprentice. She doesn't like housewives and men are disposable. She's happy to backstab or be ruthless, lol. Boooooo!
Ugh, BB is telling me what to hashtag. Get to fuck. Tamara is bringing brains and beauty. What about the brawn? 'Hates veggies, animal rights people and the unemployed.' Cut to Swampy entering the house.
What's Emma Willis wearing!? Looks like Julie Chen's cast offs.
Mark is in next. He's a visual merchandiser. Yellow jacket. What? HD brows. LOL. His accent is bugging. Someone went 'whatever' when he walked in. Enough said. He gave Tamara a super fake hug. They both look like a right pair of arseholes.
Next in is Helen. Another wannabe. Oh she fucked Wayne Rooney. Why is she in the normal version, doesn't that make her a 'celeb', ha? I hope they have some normal people. I don't want all these fake people. People aren't booing her that bad. She likes animals! Don't tell Tamara. LOL to her and Tamara wearing virtually the same dress.
Next is Steven. Another Apprentice contestant! I get the power thing but yawn. He's got the car. He's got the house. He's got the ankle swingers. He's got the paperwork. He's got the sunglasses. He's 23 going on 40. A posh Jay Mcray.
One housemate to rule them all! Will it be Danielle? I doubt it. Another businesswoman! Doesn't believe in sex before marriage or same sex marriage. A thick cunt then. And ugly, too. Claims to have the 'moral high ground.' Self proclaimed moral high ground is always dangerous. She's come as a fucking leprechaun. If she had to eat one food forever it would be caviar or lobster. Can't add up to one.
Next is Winston. He's a 'bit more smarter'. Why are they are business people?! Bugging. 'Fit birds' - ugh. This seems like the worst cast in a long time. It's quite nightmarish so far. Alan Sugar would kick these slippery little mugs into touch.
Matthew doesn't like thick people. Unlucky! 'Well everyone has cleaners, don't they?' Loafers. Cardie. Rude to waiters. My favourite! He's actually the most interesting so far. He looks like he could do with a good meal. He's got no arse. I think he wants to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint. He looks really nervous and green.
Next in is Kimberly. Never trust someone who can't spell their own name. American, Playboy model and business brain. What is military theory? She might be a master strategist. Where's the thickos and the geeks?
Christopher seems more normal than the others. Did he say he was a dairy farmer and a journalist, or am I tripping? He hates people who are devoid of personality. I love them. His idols are Madonna and John Snow. Maybe he likes jazzy socks. He reminds me of Aaron.
Pauline is the last housemate of the night aged 49. At least she's different to the others in that she's a rapper and not a faux business twat. She did the crap rap on Shocked by Kylie. That was a bad album.
I don't like Big Brother when there's no one I can get behind, I don't enjoy it (see Big Brother Canada 2).
I don't want to vote for one housemate to have the power but at a push and against the clock, I voted for Christopher. It was him or Matthew.
My TV isn't letting me pause which is annoying, as I have 5% free. What's the deal!
Jazzy P has got the HOH key! She can't understand simple instructions, though. Hold on, who the fuck is Iris? It's like POD on Snog, Marry, Avoid.
Pauline, punish Danielle! I think she'll make the right decision, she seems quite sensible. She's rewarding Mark, I thought she would, she laughed when he spoke. She chose to punish Matthew as he said he was intolerant, and I think she heard that as racist, which is fair enough! I don't like that room she's in, it looks duff, like Knightmare.
They have to step inside two boxes. My boyfriend predicts one as gunk and one as grab a grand. Matthew and Mark are having an eyebrow off! Mark should have to grab the cash. TARGET!
Matthew is getting sent to solitary confinement! He's gotta do a Dan Gheesling and turn it to his advantage.
So six more housemates tomorrow night. Let's hope we get some nice people, for fuck's sake. These arseholes don't look like they have a sense of humour between them.
Well the twist wasn't too offensive, but wasn't exactly original either. Bring on tomorrow. Unimpressed so far, but that means nothing. See you on Spreaker (I hope!)
Sunday, 25 May 2014
The Soap Awards 2014
Well, it can't be any worse than the Brit Awards, right?!
So I have been a bit of a failed soap watcher for the past year, but have pulled it back together in recent months. I managed to get 60 episodes behind with Corrie, and solved this by nuking everything following Hayley dying, which was liberating. I hadn't watched Eastenders in two or three years, since it started to insult my intelligence, but was lured back by Danny Dyer, and am now watching regularly again. This is the extent of my soap watching; Emmerdale is for mums, Hollyoaks for kids and Doctors (not even a soap, really) for the unemployed. I will never take up a new soap; the current ones are enough trouble, especially when there are more exciting things to watch. And with that attitude in mind, I'll take you through tonight's Soap Awards!
Weird to see Ken Barlow back in action. Somehow weirder to see Danny Dyer hanging out with this 'orrible mob.
Here are some awards I'd give out: Best Grief Scream - Peter Beale, Character I'd like to see die next - Mary from Corrie, Most Unrealistic Personality Transplant - a tie between Tina and Maria in Corrie. What are the writers on? Character I'd most like to see back - Syed in Eastenders/ Becky in Corrie.
Les Dennis could be enough to stop me watching Corrie; I've not seen him in it yet, thank God but I feel like I'm looking for my excuse to stop. The only character I truly love is Carla, and what they've done to her character is sad. It's not for Carla living in that poky flat, getting pregnant and crying over Peter. Carla is hardcore! I hope she gets her edge back soon. I miss her flock wallpaper and jet black hair. I don't know how one woman could fancy Peter, let alone two like Carla and Tina.
Another male rape in Hollyoaks?! That's like their stock in trade. Gary Lucy's probably still having flashbacks.
Hayley's death was well done, and genuinely upsetting, as was Lucy's death in Eastenders, even though Lucy herself was wholly unlikeable. Who knew Ian and Peter could act? Not me. Ha, Peter looked genuinely huffy when Hayley's death won best episode.
What sort of category is 'most spectacular scene of the year'? And why aren't Nick and David Platt at the awards? Ooh the Hollyoaks blast looked good! My boyfriend has been watching Hollyoaks on the sly, claiming 'it was on at work' and then having in depth knowledge of various characters. It's like when I found out he knew too much about Star Trek; unacceptable.
WTF is going on in Doctors? Is someone having a hallucinogenic Jane Austen-inspired trip?! It's like when Bobbi came out of the fridge in Home and Away. Danny Dyer's scene where his son came out was actually really good and moving. I cried. I cry at most things on telly though. I cried for about a month when Hayley was dying.
Why isn't Danny Dyer up for best newcomer? I like his daughter, but his wife gets on my wick. Why is Charlie Stubbs in Emmerdale? Why is Doctor Ferreira in Corrie? Why is Kathy Beale in Hollyoaks? It's like soap musical chairs. I can't keep up.
When Martin Kemp and Pippy Schofield are on stage together it's like the first stages of a Just for Men advert.
Peter Barlow's coat that looks like the Google incognito window dude should be up for some sort of award, I feel. I don't even know who some of those villains of the year were, even in Eastenders. I turn my back for a minute... oh the loan shark from Corrie is now a baddie in Hollyoaks. He is kind of scary, that guy, but he's no Jez Quigley, ha. Ooh, Hollyoaks won one. Their theme tune is so bugging.
Tina from Corrie (as opposed to Tina from Eastenders) should always win sexiest female because she's beautiful. It's just a shame they made her character so duff before they wrote her out. They always do that; ruin a good character with a crappy storyline. Side note: Mark Wright's hair looks absolutely ridiculous.
Oh dear, I'm losing focus here a bit. Jim McDonald just picked up an award for Steve. Ah, Roy just won best dramatic performance. I missed all the part about how Roy coped after Hayley died, but my mum reliably informed he 'he seemed to get over it in two weeks.' My mum informed me about all the 60 episodes I deleted - and some of the same stories were still droning on when I came back after I ditched those three months. I liked Roy's acceptance speech. It was funny and heartfelt.
What is Joey Essex wearing? I'd really love it if I never had to see Joey Essex on my TV ever again. You know, I'm not wishing a Jade Goody demise on him, just a Jo O' Meara type vanishing act will do me fine, ta.
Ha, Richard Hillman has come to give Gail Platt an award for outstanding achievement. They should have played The Wannadies when he walked on. Wow, she's been in it 40 years. I like what she's wearing, she looks nice.
Sexiest male... there's no one I really fancy in soap anymore. Syed was my last top pick. I don't even fancy Danny Dyer as much as I used to cos his face has gone a bit puffy and I don't like his styling that much in Eastenders (another wearer of the standard issue Google incognito coat). I do LOVE Danny Dyer however. I think he's wonderful in every way, you slippery little mugs. Aw, Danny didn't win! Will he win anything?! Who the fuck are you people!?
Ok, running out of steam now. Let's find out which soap is the best and get on with our lives. I think I already know anyway. WTF, did Hollyoaks really just win?! Hilarity. Maybe my boyfriend was right after all.What next, Doctors up for a BAFTA?
Danny! You woz robbed. I still love ya, treacle.
So I have been a bit of a failed soap watcher for the past year, but have pulled it back together in recent months. I managed to get 60 episodes behind with Corrie, and solved this by nuking everything following Hayley dying, which was liberating. I hadn't watched Eastenders in two or three years, since it started to insult my intelligence, but was lured back by Danny Dyer, and am now watching regularly again. This is the extent of my soap watching; Emmerdale is for mums, Hollyoaks for kids and Doctors (not even a soap, really) for the unemployed. I will never take up a new soap; the current ones are enough trouble, especially when there are more exciting things to watch. And with that attitude in mind, I'll take you through tonight's Soap Awards!
Weird to see Ken Barlow back in action. Somehow weirder to see Danny Dyer hanging out with this 'orrible mob.
Here are some awards I'd give out: Best Grief Scream - Peter Beale, Character I'd like to see die next - Mary from Corrie, Most Unrealistic Personality Transplant - a tie between Tina and Maria in Corrie. What are the writers on? Character I'd most like to see back - Syed in Eastenders/ Becky in Corrie.
Les Dennis could be enough to stop me watching Corrie; I've not seen him in it yet, thank God but I feel like I'm looking for my excuse to stop. The only character I truly love is Carla, and what they've done to her character is sad. It's not for Carla living in that poky flat, getting pregnant and crying over Peter. Carla is hardcore! I hope she gets her edge back soon. I miss her flock wallpaper and jet black hair. I don't know how one woman could fancy Peter, let alone two like Carla and Tina.
Another male rape in Hollyoaks?! That's like their stock in trade. Gary Lucy's probably still having flashbacks.
Hayley's death was well done, and genuinely upsetting, as was Lucy's death in Eastenders, even though Lucy herself was wholly unlikeable. Who knew Ian and Peter could act? Not me. Ha, Peter looked genuinely huffy when Hayley's death won best episode.
What sort of category is 'most spectacular scene of the year'? And why aren't Nick and David Platt at the awards? Ooh the Hollyoaks blast looked good! My boyfriend has been watching Hollyoaks on the sly, claiming 'it was on at work' and then having in depth knowledge of various characters. It's like when I found out he knew too much about Star Trek; unacceptable.
WTF is going on in Doctors? Is someone having a hallucinogenic Jane Austen-inspired trip?! It's like when Bobbi came out of the fridge in Home and Away. Danny Dyer's scene where his son came out was actually really good and moving. I cried. I cry at most things on telly though. I cried for about a month when Hayley was dying.
Why isn't Danny Dyer up for best newcomer? I like his daughter, but his wife gets on my wick. Why is Charlie Stubbs in Emmerdale? Why is Doctor Ferreira in Corrie? Why is Kathy Beale in Hollyoaks? It's like soap musical chairs. I can't keep up.
When Martin Kemp and Pippy Schofield are on stage together it's like the first stages of a Just for Men advert.
Peter Barlow's coat that looks like the Google incognito window dude should be up for some sort of award, I feel. I don't even know who some of those villains of the year were, even in Eastenders. I turn my back for a minute... oh the loan shark from Corrie is now a baddie in Hollyoaks. He is kind of scary, that guy, but he's no Jez Quigley, ha. Ooh, Hollyoaks won one. Their theme tune is so bugging.
Tina from Corrie (as opposed to Tina from Eastenders) should always win sexiest female because she's beautiful. It's just a shame they made her character so duff before they wrote her out. They always do that; ruin a good character with a crappy storyline. Side note: Mark Wright's hair looks absolutely ridiculous.
Oh dear, I'm losing focus here a bit. Jim McDonald just picked up an award for Steve. Ah, Roy just won best dramatic performance. I missed all the part about how Roy coped after Hayley died, but my mum reliably informed he 'he seemed to get over it in two weeks.' My mum informed me about all the 60 episodes I deleted - and some of the same stories were still droning on when I came back after I ditched those three months. I liked Roy's acceptance speech. It was funny and heartfelt.
What is Joey Essex wearing? I'd really love it if I never had to see Joey Essex on my TV ever again. You know, I'm not wishing a Jade Goody demise on him, just a Jo O' Meara type vanishing act will do me fine, ta.
Ha, Richard Hillman has come to give Gail Platt an award for outstanding achievement. They should have played The Wannadies when he walked on. Wow, she's been in it 40 years. I like what she's wearing, she looks nice.
Sexiest male... there's no one I really fancy in soap anymore. Syed was my last top pick. I don't even fancy Danny Dyer as much as I used to cos his face has gone a bit puffy and I don't like his styling that much in Eastenders (another wearer of the standard issue Google incognito coat). I do LOVE Danny Dyer however. I think he's wonderful in every way, you slippery little mugs. Aw, Danny didn't win! Will he win anything?! Who the fuck are you people!?
Ok, running out of steam now. Let's find out which soap is the best and get on with our lives. I think I already know anyway. WTF, did Hollyoaks really just win?! Hilarity. Maybe my boyfriend was right after all.What next, Doctors up for a BAFTA?
Danny! You woz robbed. I still love ya, treacle.
Saturday, 3 May 2014
Podcasts: Sistah Speak (Big Brother and The Walking Dead)
Lately it seems like I've been listening to podcasts more than I've been watching actual TV programmes, and definitely listening to them for longer. I listen everywhere; hanging out the washing, in bed playing Candy Crush (and yes, it is a saga), doing the washing up, walking to get lunch, and especially when I'm going to sleep (not that they're boring, it's just comforting!)
Last year I was looking to add to my two main Big Brother US podcasts I listen to, the unsurpassed Big Brother Gossip show and the cheesy-but-fun Rob has a podcast (more on those in future blogs). It was the beginning of the race row, so Sistah Speak seemed especially intriguing; what would black women think of the latest racism storm?
You can probably guess the answer: not much. One of the original 'Sistahs' - Sistah J - had already given up on Big Brother because she was fed up with tokenism and black people being voted out early in previous seasons - and who can blame her? I would still love to know what she thought of BB15! Ha. It was interesting to hear from black women for once, as it's not a voice you hear so often in the mainstream media, and their comments on race were extremely interesting, and some of them not things that had occurred to me before, especially about how black people are stereotyped and marginalised.
In the meantime, podcast founder Sistah K had hooked up with two other like-minded ladies; Sistah L Marie and Sister A (who I don't think is black, but we're all sistahs in the feminist sense!) The three women began BB15 enthusiastically but this soon turned to horror. Sure enough, Howard and Candice, the two black contestants were out early; but not before they'd been forced to endure some pretty horrendous and well-documented racism. I shant drag it up again beyond saying that the two of them huddled together in the have-not room crying, was one of the hardest and most shameful (as a white person - to see the horrible things that had been said and done to them) scenes I've ever seen on TV. Why Big Brother didn't step in, I'll never know. But I know one thing; it wouldn't happen in the UK.
The Sistahs were similarly appalled and turned to Big Brother Australia for some light relief. I had watched BBAU the previous year and enjoyed it, but it was a long slog. This time, with the Sistahs on board, and some excellent casting (Tim, Drew and Tully must rank as some of the most interesting and engaging Big Brother housemates of all time - and Tahan was a bitchy girl you could actually get behind) I just loved it. Yes it was a very long season, and the TV show could do with some editing, but it was just a fun ride, so lighthearted and easy-going compared to BB15. Although, don't tell Sistah J, but even the black girl in the Australian version was ditched after just a couple of week. Sigh.
Meanwhile, the Sistah's went from discussing BB15 and then chatting a bit about BBAU afterwards to just stopping talking about BB15 altogether and just taking solely about BBAU. I found this HILARIOUS. They were so unapologetic about it; it was just like, 'we're done with that, next!' It was just brilliant. And oh, do they talk. The three of them regularly clock in at three hours per podcast which is just a joy if you enjoy a podcast. For my podcast, we struggle to do 30 minutes! It is HARD to talk enthusiastically for that length of time, so hats off to them, it really is an achievement. Do they have loo breaks?!
The thing I loved about their BBAU podcast in particular, is just the chemistry between the three women. They just have a wonderful rapport, and you really feel like you are part of their gang as you listen. I also love the fact they go off on mad tangents; I remember on episode where Idris Elba had made the top of a 'sexiest' list and this was mulled over enthusiastically for at least half an hour. They never apologise for going off on a tangent, and you're just swept along with them. I don't think many podcasts could get away with this: if any. It's actually a talent to be that good at being entertaining just talking about nothing. Their quest by Sistah K and Sister L Marie to get the KFC Zinger Pie brought to America from Australia, with Sistah A, a patient vegetarian, just listening to them was just brilliant.
As well as listening to the old Big Brother US podcasts with Sistah K and Sistah J, I also decided to have a listen to the Walking Dead podcast that the two of them do, mainly because I couldn't imagine how someone could podcast about a scripted TV show. Reality is easy, as you can insult all the contestants, but what is there to say about the Walking Dead? It turns out: a lot!
I love the relationship between Sistah K and Sistah J. They bicker constantly; I'd swear they were related but have no idea if that's true! Sistah K gets a lot noisier when she's with Sistah J, and their enthusiasm levels: especially for The Walking Dead, which has been consistently dire this year - except for when throats are being ripped out - is truly amazing. They are so animated and excited, I just love it. Sistah J is a real character and she's not afraid to say outrageous things, which Sistah K tells her off for, but she never quite reigns her in, thank God! I like it on the old Big Brother podcasts where Sistah J constantly calls everything a fix, because I think that, too! She's also not afraid to call someone out, and I like that. They don't just do these shows either; I see they clocked up FOUR HOURS recently on what I think was a Game of Thrones podcast. TV shows are only 40 minutes! They are talking for FOUR HOURS. That's half a working day. Just unbelievable.
I was listening to an old Big Brother episode this year and Sistah K said she liked podcasts with cursing in, so I decided to send her a mine and we soon got chatting. Her Facebook messages are long, as you would expect (!) but what a lovely and welcoming person. Similarly, I've built up a new friendship with Sistah A and she's just really easy to talk to. I don't think I've ever spoken to such friendly podcasters. They also read out every bit of feedback they get on their podcast, which I personally don't agree with (!) but only because I want to hear from THEM, not other people. Still though; it's very lovely of them to do it. I can't see it happening on my podcast, but that's because normally the feedback I get is 'you're a man-hating bitch.' Everyone's a critic! However, I can't complain as they also plugged my podcast and we got some new much-needed listeners from it, hehe!
So finally, this year they started podcasting Big Brother Canada, as Sistah K told them it was good (the first series was!). I could tell straight away they weren't enthused; and who could blame them? I can tell from my own podcast listens that people have switched off in droves, and that's not me being big headed; it's just obvious as it's such a unlikeable cast. So when I saw their most recent episode was four MINUTES and not four HOURS I knew it was over. They'd given up. And there's no BBAU to turn to yet! We are still plodding on with our podcast - just - although we've had a big gap, but we plan to pick it up tomorrow and I think it finishes next week. Thank God; put the dead dog down. The casting last year was quirky characters like Gary, Peter and Talla: this year it's just a list of complete arseholes. It's really hard to do a podcast when you're not enjoying the show. It just makes it hard work and not as much fun.
But back to Sistah Speak; I honestly don't know how Sistah K finds the time to do it all, and with such good humour. She's great at controlling the show, making sure everyone is included and just generally being a good host. Sistah L Marie is lively and opinionated and Sistah A is just very cool calm and collected; she might not speak quite as much at the others, but what she does say is always worth listening to: we were definitely on the same page about Arlie; UGH!
I just love the Sistahs and can't wait until BBAU to join their gang again. I hope they give BB16 a chance too; surely it can't be as bad as last year?! Famous last words. And they said they would start podcasting BBUK so let's hope for a good year. I don't want my country to let them down like Canada did!
Last year I was looking to add to my two main Big Brother US podcasts I listen to, the unsurpassed Big Brother Gossip show and the cheesy-but-fun Rob has a podcast (more on those in future blogs). It was the beginning of the race row, so Sistah Speak seemed especially intriguing; what would black women think of the latest racism storm?
You can probably guess the answer: not much. One of the original 'Sistahs' - Sistah J - had already given up on Big Brother because she was fed up with tokenism and black people being voted out early in previous seasons - and who can blame her? I would still love to know what she thought of BB15! Ha. It was interesting to hear from black women for once, as it's not a voice you hear so often in the mainstream media, and their comments on race were extremely interesting, and some of them not things that had occurred to me before, especially about how black people are stereotyped and marginalised.
In the meantime, podcast founder Sistah K had hooked up with two other like-minded ladies; Sistah L Marie and Sister A (who I don't think is black, but we're all sistahs in the feminist sense!) The three women began BB15 enthusiastically but this soon turned to horror. Sure enough, Howard and Candice, the two black contestants were out early; but not before they'd been forced to endure some pretty horrendous and well-documented racism. I shant drag it up again beyond saying that the two of them huddled together in the have-not room crying, was one of the hardest and most shameful (as a white person - to see the horrible things that had been said and done to them) scenes I've ever seen on TV. Why Big Brother didn't step in, I'll never know. But I know one thing; it wouldn't happen in the UK.
The Sistahs were similarly appalled and turned to Big Brother Australia for some light relief. I had watched BBAU the previous year and enjoyed it, but it was a long slog. This time, with the Sistahs on board, and some excellent casting (Tim, Drew and Tully must rank as some of the most interesting and engaging Big Brother housemates of all time - and Tahan was a bitchy girl you could actually get behind) I just loved it. Yes it was a very long season, and the TV show could do with some editing, but it was just a fun ride, so lighthearted and easy-going compared to BB15. Although, don't tell Sistah J, but even the black girl in the Australian version was ditched after just a couple of week. Sigh.
Meanwhile, the Sistah's went from discussing BB15 and then chatting a bit about BBAU afterwards to just stopping talking about BB15 altogether and just taking solely about BBAU. I found this HILARIOUS. They were so unapologetic about it; it was just like, 'we're done with that, next!' It was just brilliant. And oh, do they talk. The three of them regularly clock in at three hours per podcast which is just a joy if you enjoy a podcast. For my podcast, we struggle to do 30 minutes! It is HARD to talk enthusiastically for that length of time, so hats off to them, it really is an achievement. Do they have loo breaks?!
The thing I loved about their BBAU podcast in particular, is just the chemistry between the three women. They just have a wonderful rapport, and you really feel like you are part of their gang as you listen. I also love the fact they go off on mad tangents; I remember on episode where Idris Elba had made the top of a 'sexiest' list and this was mulled over enthusiastically for at least half an hour. They never apologise for going off on a tangent, and you're just swept along with them. I don't think many podcasts could get away with this: if any. It's actually a talent to be that good at being entertaining just talking about nothing. Their quest by Sistah K and Sister L Marie to get the KFC Zinger Pie brought to America from Australia, with Sistah A, a patient vegetarian, just listening to them was just brilliant.
As well as listening to the old Big Brother US podcasts with Sistah K and Sistah J, I also decided to have a listen to the Walking Dead podcast that the two of them do, mainly because I couldn't imagine how someone could podcast about a scripted TV show. Reality is easy, as you can insult all the contestants, but what is there to say about the Walking Dead? It turns out: a lot!
I love the relationship between Sistah K and Sistah J. They bicker constantly; I'd swear they were related but have no idea if that's true! Sistah K gets a lot noisier when she's with Sistah J, and their enthusiasm levels: especially for The Walking Dead, which has been consistently dire this year - except for when throats are being ripped out - is truly amazing. They are so animated and excited, I just love it. Sistah J is a real character and she's not afraid to say outrageous things, which Sistah K tells her off for, but she never quite reigns her in, thank God! I like it on the old Big Brother podcasts where Sistah J constantly calls everything a fix, because I think that, too! She's also not afraid to call someone out, and I like that. They don't just do these shows either; I see they clocked up FOUR HOURS recently on what I think was a Game of Thrones podcast. TV shows are only 40 minutes! They are talking for FOUR HOURS. That's half a working day. Just unbelievable.
I was listening to an old Big Brother episode this year and Sistah K said she liked podcasts with cursing in, so I decided to send her a mine and we soon got chatting. Her Facebook messages are long, as you would expect (!) but what a lovely and welcoming person. Similarly, I've built up a new friendship with Sistah A and she's just really easy to talk to. I don't think I've ever spoken to such friendly podcasters. They also read out every bit of feedback they get on their podcast, which I personally don't agree with (!) but only because I want to hear from THEM, not other people. Still though; it's very lovely of them to do it. I can't see it happening on my podcast, but that's because normally the feedback I get is 'you're a man-hating bitch.' Everyone's a critic! However, I can't complain as they also plugged my podcast and we got some new much-needed listeners from it, hehe!
So finally, this year they started podcasting Big Brother Canada, as Sistah K told them it was good (the first series was!). I could tell straight away they weren't enthused; and who could blame them? I can tell from my own podcast listens that people have switched off in droves, and that's not me being big headed; it's just obvious as it's such a unlikeable cast. So when I saw their most recent episode was four MINUTES and not four HOURS I knew it was over. They'd given up. And there's no BBAU to turn to yet! We are still plodding on with our podcast - just - although we've had a big gap, but we plan to pick it up tomorrow and I think it finishes next week. Thank God; put the dead dog down. The casting last year was quirky characters like Gary, Peter and Talla: this year it's just a list of complete arseholes. It's really hard to do a podcast when you're not enjoying the show. It just makes it hard work and not as much fun.
But back to Sistah Speak; I honestly don't know how Sistah K finds the time to do it all, and with such good humour. She's great at controlling the show, making sure everyone is included and just generally being a good host. Sistah L Marie is lively and opinionated and Sistah A is just very cool calm and collected; she might not speak quite as much at the others, but what she does say is always worth listening to: we were definitely on the same page about Arlie; UGH!
I just love the Sistahs and can't wait until BBAU to join their gang again. I hope they give BB16 a chance too; surely it can't be as bad as last year?! Famous last words. And they said they would start podcasting BBUK so let's hope for a good year. I don't want my country to let them down like Canada did!
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