The X Factor: Final Cut

Saturday night on my own! Quick, start drinking. They keep saying 'it's crunch time' and weirdly, I just opened a giant bar of Crunch chocolate. Nice! I am a female cliche. Ooh Harry Hill's back next week. Score.
Urgh, Ronan 'you nearly got me punched in a fight' Keating. You say it best when you say noth... oh I've definitely done that joke before.
Mmm Ethan. Drool. Urgh, Will Young, the chinny, lisping closet-case-til-just-after-he-won-Pop-Idol. Yeah, I don't like him much.
Simon has Sinitta helping him, who came out covered in leaves. Quick, pop her in the oven. Dannii went slightly more A-list with her sister, who is going for the preserved in formaldehyde look. Lush.
The boyz, the boyz. I can't be fugged with Joe, he looks like a foetus. His voice is quite good, but I can't be bothered with him. The same with Lloyd. It's obviously going to be him or Joe going through, battling for the jail-bait vote. His voice isn't as good.
I like Daniel. He's all emotional and loud. Perhaps Will will give him the gay vote. Ha, Will did like him.
Mm, Ethan. Hot. I could look at him all day long. If he doesn't go through I'll doubt Cheryl's heterosexuality. I like his voice a lot, too! He's the FULL PACKAGE (tm). Them going 'oh he's too good looking' that's not a PROBLEM, dope-bags.
Ooh Duane's voice was quite good as well. Shit. This is quite hard to call. I don't mind Ricky, but I can't be arsed with his cheeky chappie/ hat schtick. So my picks are Daniel, Ethan and Duane.
The groups. Project A. One of them looks like Suffia off BB. I think they're alright, like a hen-night out down Wetherspoons.
Kandy Rain used to be strippers. Well, the name was a giveaway. But at the same time, who cares- what century is it?! Sexist tabloid scum. The little blonde one is cute. I'm going for Project A over them, though, for the 'likeability factor' *shoots self*.
I don't remember ever seeing the appallingly named De-Tour ever before so I guess they aren't going through as they're about as charismatic as Ronan. Oh, scratch that then.
Clamouring for the worst band name is Harmony Hood, a ragtag brood but I kind of like them a bit, like mismatched socks.
Miss Frank are kind of cool, like the Fugababes, you suspect they are just being forced to pretend they like each other. They are good, I liked their performance! They're quirky.
Urgh, the Fylight twins. Get rid. They are shit! Louis, just take them to bed if you fancy them that much, but don't inflict them on us, for fuck's sake. He's DEFINITELY going to put them through.
My pick for the groups are Miss Frank, Project A and Kandy Rain. Which aint gonna happen.
The over 25s... Olly! Deal or No Deal! You gotta love him just for that. He's a bit dull, though.
I like Treyc (yes that is how you spell it). But she's a bit lacklustre, too.
Daniel 'One True Voice' has a mohican now, so we must take him seriously. He has a 'look'. Zzzzz. What, he's got backing singers?! Cheat. He bores me to tears.
Nicole (dead dad 2) I can't stand. She sang that song I hate and I can't get over it. She's too shrieky. I'm not very impressed with this over 25 category.
Oh I do like Danyl. So that's something. Oh and Jamie. I hope they don't only put one of them through. So my picks out of this lot are them and Olly. But Nicole's definitely going through.
And lastly, the girls. The girls are GOOD. Stacey, the people's chav. I like her a lot, actually. She's sweet. Good voice.
Does Kylie have it in her contract that they can't film her up close?
The next Stacey is OK but lacks charisma I think. And her voice is a little shrill. Plus, two Stacey's? I don't think so.
I love, love, love Rachel. I think she's great. She seems like she really NEEDS it, and she's cool, too. I hope she goes through.
I don't remember ever seeing Despina before, so I guess she's not going through. She was a bit shrieky for my liking.
Lucie is excellent. She's super-talented. Nicole is boring. Even her messing it up was boring.
It has to be Stacey the mum, Rachel and Lucie.
Oh it's over. I hate this 'over two nights' thing. It's too much. I can't blog it tomorrow either. BOO!
Over and out.

Soap speciale!

Good soaps tonight, and I cried, but the end of the month has me feeling fragile so it was inevitable. I'm vulnerable to the soapemotions! Hey, what was all that Rosie in her undies but only on the website thing about? That was stupid! I can't be bothered with that interactive bullshit.
I thought Fizz (it's Fiz but that doesn't look right) looked great tonight. She's just lovely in every way. If that John Snape/ Stape does her over, he'll have me to deal with. And, er... Chesney. And when Sean wished her luck and said 'you're my kind of crazy, Fizzbomb' that was what did me in. Just good writing and characterisation and human truth. All in one.
God knows why she wants to get married in prison, though. It's not like he's a lifer. I thought registry offices were grim enough.
Rosie's just a little CUNT! Rargh! Why is Luke Strong putting up with it? No wonder he buggered off to Strictly Come Dancing. Vince from Queer as Folk wouldn't put up with this shit. Michelle deserves all she gets! Her taste in men is dreadful. I'd rather go for Tony.
It's a bit unfair they ganged up on Rosie; he WAS going to sleep with her after all. You also can't fire someone for that reason. Tribunal!
Five hundred quid to split up Amber and Kebab Kid! Five hundred! That's pretty cheap. Wish they'd give Dev a decent storyline. He's amaaaaaazing.
I liked the ginger Windass tricking Chesney into admitting he loved Fizz. I kinda like that ginger chav. I've always had a soft spot for a weasley ginge, don't tell anyone.
I hope Norris does NOT employ that woman. End.
Eastenders was also good, in it's own Eastender-y way (i.e. not just as good, but five minutes of good). I hope Jane takes the satanic-looking Bobby and goes have her baby with someone else. Sod Ian!
I HATE all the Mitchells crap; fuck off Sam, fuck off Ronnie and your ugly boyfriend, and fuck off Dr. creepy Jenkins. He has all the good writing, characterisation and human truth of a cereal box that someone has written the work 'HUNK' on. RUBBISH.
OMG that bit with Syed and Christian was both sexy and creepy at the end (good combination). How GOOD did Syed look tonight, all stubbly and long haired? He's my Bollywood prince (is that racist?) And see the way those chocolates got flung to the floor as they snogged down an alley... oh yes. Fabulous. WHO saw them??? I don't want to know. I like the mystery.
Hey, I think I've just changed my mind about the interactive website bollocks, IF the interactive website bollocks can include a steamy X-rated scene with Christian and Syed. Down the alley, or otherwise, I'm open to suggestions, as long as Syed is unclothed.
Dear or dear, do you come here for this kind of smut?! Disgraceful! Think of the children.

The X Factor: Boot camp 2

So like everyone else I haven't really been enjoying the X Factor this year, but after them sucking the life out of the audition process, I actually enjoyed last night's boot camp, mainly because there were at least three good singers; Ethan (hot), the bloke who was a contestant on Deal or no Deal and that little mousy girl. So let's watch tonight as they don't get through. Oh my god, I didn't like those twins and their stupid dancing, cocky little cuntrags. I ALSO didn't like that girl doing that dire 'I'm telling you' song. When does shrieking count as singing? If I ever hear that song again, I'm gonna do a Michael Douglas. You have been warned.
I must say Dannii is looking quite sharp this year, I'm liking her hair. Cheryl's hair, on the other hand, ages her massively, and her crumpled forehead oh-its-another-person-I-beat-on-pop-rivals-once expression is getting rather boring. Can't we have a female judge with an opinion, instead of one who likes handbags? Get that bullying Sugababe on instead, at least she'll tell it to people straight.
Oh god, first contestant up tonight was a sub-par Chico (unbelievable that could be, I know.) I like the black girl with the afro.
Kandy Rain sounds like a porn star. And collectively, look a bit like one.
I felt sorry for the one in the pork pie hat who lost his voice, I kind of liked him. It's not his fault that he's ill. I reckon they might put him through, anyway.
Olly is the Deal or No Deal one (he's obviously a fame whore!) Yep, I still back him. He's a cheeky chappie.
I like the big afro dude, I don't think he's trying to hard. Simon can talk about being 'corny'; if any English person except him would ever use such a word.
I thought the chavvy girl was out of tune. But Simon fancies her, so she'll make it.
Oh dear; the bisexual guy did a jazzy Simply Red number. Big mistake!
Deliberations...
Yes sob story, your brother is pulling strings, by getting you this far. Hopefully that's it though. Ah, it was.
Yay Deal or No Deal and big afro guy got through, and that weird blonde guy (Daniel). I'm glad that black girl with the short stripy blonde bit in her hair got through, she was really good. Fuck those little twins though. EVIL!
'For you it's the end... of the bad news.' Cruel! The misspelt Danyl AND Ethan got through! Yay. You can tell they cut it this year so most of the people you got to know got through. The ones going home I hardly recognised.
Oh dear, the group category looks AWFUL. Good luck, Louis. Are you telling me Simon doesn't have a hand in deciding the categories? Please! Personally I think the best category is the girls. Dannii FTW.
PS: Two shows it too many, what with Xtra Factor, too. I feel X Factored out.

Album: Muse- The Resistance

Can I go this whole blog without mentioning sci-fi, space or prog? YES! Starting... from... now!
I used to LOVE Muse. I went to see them on my 21st birthday when their first album was out (that dates me!) And I have enough Muse b-sides to cause havoc whilst moving house. It's weird how your CD collection ages you so completely. The only new CDs I have are Bright Eyes and Moz (so youthful!)
So, Muse. Showbiz is a great album and Newborn and Plug in Baby are classics. I even like Thoughts of a Dying Atheist. I went off them around the time they released that one that sounded like Prince. The album Supermassive Black Hole was supermassively self indulgent and Knights of Cydonia can fuck off. Now I do find them quite tedious. I admire their live shows, and I admire the fact they've created a big old niche for themselves, especially in the face of the abuse they used to get from that old relic the NME (but then the NME hates all the greats- Brian, Mozzy, Patrick Wolf, Kele). Even talking about the NME is dating me.
Anyway, I couldn't listen to a whole album these days. Well, I'm going to now, but I'm going to damn well moan about it, I expect.
The first song Uprising is the usual geek-rock schtick, radio-friendly and catchy but quite disposable. Ooh I quite like Resistance, it's a bit Time is Running Out-ey. I could see them releasing this one. Poppy love song with cheesy backing vocals.
I saw Undisclosed Desires (bad title) on Jules Holland and didn't like it much but his voice sounds better on the record (record! LOL) Did he say something about booty? I like the drum machine. This is pretty good. I must say, I've been pleasantly surprised so far.
UH-OH. They've dug up Freddie Mercury for United States of Eurasia (what a name). Am I allowed to say 'pomp'? Oh christ, this is everything I hate about Muse, this is music for virgins. Come on Matt, give us a break, you must be off the magic mushy's by now. The end of this song is worse than the beginning, it's like a pretentious piano-ey bit. ARGH. Next!
Guiding Light. Isn't that an Ash song? Ah, Ash. They did have just the one good song, wasn't it.
This sounds like the national anthem in the future (mentions of the future- check!) when Matt Bellamy rules the world. That guitar is straight from Justin Hawkins. Bit rubbish.
Am I only halfway through? See, this is the problem with Muse these days! Still, it's more interesting than the Monsters of Folk review... right?
Unnatural Selection is employing the vocoder/ cardboard box vocal technique. Oh god, it's gone national anthemy again. I can see fists being punched in the air. By virgins. This one went on for so long I forgot I was listening to it and started daydreaming. And I still skipped two minutes at the end.
MK Ultra makes me think of Mark One. Have you been in Mark One lately? There's one on Holloway road, honestly, the clothes make New Look look like Vivienne Westwood. I don't think they'd survive the journey home, let alone a wash. Not that you'd buy them. Lord, no.
The lyrics said something along the lines of 'how much more can you take?' and the answer is not much more. At the moment my tip is just download the first three tracks, and be on your way.
I Belong To You has something in French after the title, always a worry (except Protege Moi by Placebo which is fucking mega). This has got a kind of squidgy computer game feel to it. I've lost the will to live now, though. Uh-oh, here comes the French bit. Oh God, it's REALLY bad. Is it OK to vomit?
Oh Christ, the final three tracks are called (brace yourself) Exogenesis Symphony Parts 1, 2 & 3. Pretentious? How dare you. I did listen to them, so you don't have to. God, and I used to think Citizen Erased was a bit over the top.
Right, I'm off to reconsider Monsters of Folk (not really, the only album you or I need this year is BATTLE FOR THE SUN, by king of the bi's, Brian Molko. You know it makes sense).
NB: Heat gave Peter Andre's lyrical masterpiece Revelation one star more than it gave this album by Muse. So buy carefully, people. You don't want to be sat down ready to be emotionally moved by the song about how Peter can't give Harvey a cud no more and find yourself in the Time Warp.

Album: Monsters of Folk

It's with a heavy heart I sit down to listen to this. I don't care if they're a 'supergroup', I only want to hear Conor sing. Plus, supergroups are ALWAYS rubbish. And I hate M. Ward. And Mike Mogis. Still, I'm clinging on for a crumb.
The first song sounds like a boring Death Cab song. It's sort of electronicy but not quite. I didn't like the mixture of voices. Conor pops up in the second verse.
The second song Say Please is just some country twaddle. As is the third song.
Temazcal starts promisingly (ie. Conor's singing alone). Then it goes a bit like a hymn. Then plods along a bit.
I had to skip The Right Place after about 10 seconds; too country. Baby Boomer; also rubbish. It reminds me of the ones where he lets the others sing on his 'solo' album.
Don't know how Man Named Truth snuck on here; that song has been doing the live rounds for a while now. Ooh just Conor singing; hurrah! And his voice sounds a bit shaky and trembly. Good.
Enjoy this one, cos it's as good as it gets. But it still only sounds as good as his solo stuff, it's not a patch on Bright Eyes.
I can't STAND that country guitar noise on Goodway, it makes me want to throw up.
Ooh hold on, Ahead of the Curve is quite nice. It's minor-country but Conors voice sounds good on it, and he does all of the singing.
Slow Down Joe sounds like a Christmas song. Losing Yo Head is quite catchy but not Conor-heavy.
Magic Marker is dreary. Map of the World is Conor-led vocally, and reminds me of a cut-price Lenders in the Temple.
Sandman, the Brakeman and Me- noooo. The last song is rubbish too. Glad I didn't buy this!
It's not just Conor's tunes that have gone down the toilet; it's his lyrics too. And I'm sad about the death of Bright Eyes, and I'm sad about Bright Eyes on the blinking Halifax advert. It's like watching an ex-boyfriend deny your existence.
In the News of the World yesterday Ian Hyland said Holly Willoughby should be off to LA, not sitting on the sofa ten years too soon with Pippy Schofield. Well, that's how I feel about Conor. He has the youth on his side to be Prince or David Bowie. It seems he just wants to be Kenny fucking Rogers.

Intermission

Sorry I've been quiet this week, my laptop overheated and died so no bloggy. Not that there's been much on TV.
But here's a mini round up via my phone: DERREN:THE REVEAL I felt like I was following it at the time but if you asked me to explain it now, I wouldn't have a clue. Looking forward to him making me stick to my seat though, that sounds bloody brilliant!
BBBM THE REUNION. Sree looked haunted. Marcus was ignored, Siavash dissed. Tragic.
ENDERS: Sam Mitchell: goblin. The flies in the shed were good. Need more Christian.
XFACTOR: Dire. Amanda Holden and Cheryl have both been going to patro-nose wrinkling school. I'm even sick of Simon.
POINTLESS: bbc2, around 4.30. The anti-family fortunes presented by Pimms dude. What more do you want?Watch It!

Derren Brown: The Event: Live

Woo: well excited about this ten minutes of television, and you wouldn't say that very often. My boyfriend said he doesn't see the appeal of Derren Brown and Mystic Meg is 'just as good'. I beg to differ, Sam of Dunthorpe, did you ever find that money hidden in your father's toolbox? Thought not.
I've even bought a lucky dip tonight, now what are the chances that Derren's going to call THOSE babies out? 14 million to one, apparently. You have odds of 10 million to one of getting struck by lightning.
I love, love, love Derren; he is a genius, and even if it is all smoke and mirrors, YOU could never do it, he's put the legwork in, not us, and God bless him for it. I just think he's very funny and charming too, but he probably made me think it. Darn!
9/9/9! Witchcraft. WHAT! He's only predicting 5 of the 6?! Pathetic! Hehe.
Is it just sleight of hand? This thing about the time running out is bullshit; that's Derren just putting some crap in your head, mark my words. 'Delay...' he's up to something!
Derren sounds nervous!!! I love it when he's on the hop. What if he gets it wrong?! Haha, if it goes wrong, he's really sorry. At least he's not planning to quit magic if he fugs it.
But he's not going to fug it, is he?
Who is that douche presenting on the BBC? He's a numpty! Which machine will it be? Genevieve?!
Funny watching Derren watching it; weird! It's gotta be sleight of hand. GOTTA BE! That podium/ stand thing. It's suspect!
He got all six. I, on the other hand, only got one.
I want more than ten minutes! If he teaches us how to do it in tomorrow's show, the lottery aint gonna be a big winner any more! We're all going to win about a fiver.
Ooh, new Peep Show! *squeals*