The National Television Awards 2011

Why the fuck am I watching this, you ask? And do you want the honest answer? I'm bored. I miss my boyfriend (who works nights). I live for 2.30am every Friday night when I finally get to see him, and every week is just drudge in between at the moment. I am so stressed from work and so tired, but I can't get to sleep, so I can't even get away from myself, and I'm surviving on like four hours sleep a night. So that's why I'm watching this. I'm basically delirious.
I thought the show started well, with a strangely compelling duet between Stacey Solomon and Shaun Ryder. Stacey was my favourite when she was on the X Factor, it's a shame she's not singing for a living when plate-faced Matt Cardie is.
In other awards ceremony news, I watched the British Comedy Awards the other night, and there were a few good lols, it was quite bitchy, and I liked the joke Jonathan Ross made about Russell Howard's sleepy eye. I have a little soft spot for Russell Howard since Christmas when my mum made me watch his show.
Anyway. Back to the (anti) matter at hand. I don't mind Dermot; he knows what he's doing. Ah, there's Peter Andre. The cameraman missed a trick not cutting to his face when Dermot alluded to the 'J' word. Anyhoo, must retain that dignified silence.
Holly Willobobo looks massssive. She must be ready to drop. I like her womanly ways.
The notion that I'm a Celebrity is a better programme in any way shape or form than Big Brother is baffling. But then look what channel this show is on.
Eh-heh, Fatboy is up for best newcomer! Double LOL, he won it! And he did clicky fingers thing when he won. Dis rass! And he's going out with that Sugababe. You did good, Arthur.
Something just happened but I don't know what it was cos I fast-forwarded it. At least Shameless didn't win best drama, if I have to look at Tina Malone's face ever again it'll upset my tummy all inside.
OMFG is Peter Andre's the Next Chapter really up for an award? You might as well put my flip videos up for an award- the fridge raider episode was just sublime. Tossers.
Anyone who watched Glee should be struck blind. And deaf. I went off The Inbetweeners, too, TBH. I am such a sour puss.
It's not natural to see Phil Mitchell in a suit smiling and waving at the camera. I hope his crack odyssey wins him an award. That was the shortest drug addiction of all time. Three episodes and it was done. He should go into drugs counselling. Ew, do they have to show that clip of him with snot on his face? Ha, they all look so embarrassed when they show the clips.
Oh god, Louis Spence. Just go back in your box already, you little prat. And don't come out ever AGAIN.
Can't believe Stacey won, what a load of shit! Phil has been in Eastenders for about 20 years, FFS. Lacey didn't seem to speak in 'real life' like Stacey. Mind-boggling. I wonder what Phil would have said in his speech. WE SHALL NEVER KNOW.
Hope Dermot wins best presenter. Ant and Dec get on my last nerve. I think Paul O' Grady is good, too, I like his personality, he's not afraid to stir up a bit of shit. His show is rub, though.
Aw to Davina still crying at clips of Big Brother. I know, Davina. I miss it, too.
Ant and Dec won. Dec is looking more like Brian Dowling by the minute. And the less said about Ant's sixhead, the better. It's getting more like a octohead, and it's putting me off my dins. Simon's speech for them was good. Poor Dermy.
Something about sport. Fast forward. This Morning beat Loose Women, obv. But Jeremy Kyle is the goblin king of daytime. Incidentally, I looked at the Jeremy Kyle Show's Twitter account today and it said 'if you're a mother who's younger than her daughter, get in touch.' WTF? Yeah, get in touch and call the Guinness Book of Records.
Bored as I am, I'm getting really fucking tired of this show. I think I'm gonna hang up my washing then go play on my Xbox. Take that, Dermot.
Ugh, Anne Widdecombe isn't helping matters. I try to avoid personal attacks, but the only think uglier than her face are her views. Yeah you're a virgin because it's a choice. No, it's because no one would touch you with a bargepole, you old bag.
Who or what is Benedict Cumberpatch? It sounds SHIT.
Stephen Fry looks fat again. Too much Twitter. Oh god, a Bruce Forsyth eulogy. Save me. Aw his speech was quite cute actually! Look at his lovely wife. Oh, God, I've gone soft. Quick, fetch my medication.
I don't know much, but I do know that Eastenders isn't a patch on Corrie. If Emmerdale is five, and Eastenders is six, then CORRIE IS SEVEN! Enders aint no good. And especially not right now. (n.b I don't watch Emmerdale, I'm not insane, although I admit, I did see this clip at Christmas with my mum). Hollyoaks! Oh come on, now.
LOL to David Platt shaking his head in disgust when Eastenders won! Even if it's just high-jinks, it's mega funny. David Platt owns you, Eastenders! Ha, I'm not sure it is for the lols, he looks annoyed. That could just be the babydramas though.
Oh, Zainab, I'm not sure you're quite right for that dress, ducks. Why are the homophobic Masoods doing this speech? Get Phil to do it, you arseholes!
Corrie, it should have been you, oh, it should have been you, everybody knows, everybody SAYS SO.
Oh well, at least no one mentioned the dead baby elephant in the room. G'night.