Big Brother UK 2017: Election crimes

I'm back, bitches! Yes, I'm as cliche as Big Brother itself and definitely as tired. I have so far managed to avoid house spoilers and people spoilers (what happened to good old fashioned finding out on the night, hey!)
Emma is dressed like a contemporary doily. Her neck is going a bit Deirdre Barlow. I'm not even going to mention the hair. Where's the house tour! Instead we get a lecture about pulling together. Save it for the tribute concert. This is Big Brother, get back to the backstabbing (not literally).
So the twist is we get to vote one person in. Boring. Andrew, Simone, Sue and Tom. They all look dull as fuck.
They are bringing in people from all over the UK. Just like always! 'The United Kingdom of Big Brother.' Not that catchy, really.
So they've got Rylan on the main show now. What's going on with the beard.
First in is Arthur. Good laugh he's got there. I love poshos. A house full of poshos, please! Where the fuck is Dunsford. 'Hold on mum and dad I'm going in Big Brother, I'm going to be a superstar.' 'I love a mug, I'm a teapot, let's have a tea party.'
I'm liking the chintz. My house is like a cross between that and an abandoned squat, too.
Ellie is in next. They've obviously cut the budget cos they're filming their VTs themselves. She likes fish and chips 'but will make do with a ham sandwich.' It's good to have standards. 'I'd have to do something terrible not to win.' Called Donald Trump an 'orange man'. Pot, kettle, orange. Don't pretend you don't know what he's called! You know! Even someone as thick as you. She looks like a sausage. I didn't know people were still slut dropping. I guess that what goes on in Castleford, wherever the fuck that is.
Arthur: 'It's so jokes.' What bad language did Arthur do?
I can't vote poundland Russell Brand Andrew in, not with that accent. Simone is representing the North East. No thanks. She has more sides to her than a new pound coin. At least she gave good gusto to her speech. Simone is no wallflower. 'Power to the people!' Tom from Swansea looks like a chav. I don't like any of these people. Can we have a no-alition?
Next in is Lotan, a dreamboy from Braintree in Essex. Looks like every day is a bad hair day for Lotan. His willy is insured for 12 million. What are his premiums on that? My co-host Gaz says 'he seems like he's intelligent.' Yes, I will quote him on that. Why is he trying to force sweets into Emma Willis's mouth? Peculiar.
Lotan can't understand what Emma's saying. Emma: 'Can we just get you in there?' Lotan: 'Yeah fuck it.'
Lotan said 'you look black' to Ellie, oh dear. She's just got back from 'Magaluff'.
Next in is Imran and Sukhvinder. She's Sikh and he's Muslim. The new Jack and Joe. I like their dog. They look very young to have such old children. Ooh, they're individual players! I think that makes it more interesting. She thinks she's going to last longer than him, ha. They're doing it for their children, Jasmine and Gadaffi, ahem. I find the 'he's a Muslim, she's Sikh' thing patronising and heavy handed. Yes, we all know people from different cultures, you're hardly breaking new ground, Big Brother.
Ooh, they are mentioning the auditions as pairs.
Arthur: 'Do you drink?' to Imran straight away, haha.
Next in is Charlotte and Mandy, mum and daughter. Fuck, the last thing we need is the new Jackie and Charlie Travers. I'm hoping the mum is more Karen BBCAN5 than Jackie. Woah, what is Charlotte wearing going in? Candy pink bolero sleeves, not good. The mum looks better. It's creepy that they're holding hands, unless one is helping the other across the road.
Arthur was checking the mum out, 100%!
Stop giving Andrew the mic, please. He's irritating as fuck! Nikki backs him! Legends shouldn't back desperation.
Next in is Deborah and Hannah from Nigeria/East London. They seem like normal people (ie. Londoners). Fake laughs FTW. Interesting choice of outfits to into the house there. They both look like they aged 30 years. They're bringing glittery backs. It's like half traditional dress, half wheel of fortune assistants. It's an eek from me.
Joe is some old dude from South London. He looks like he's got eyeliner on. He looks melted. 56! He looks 65. 'Don't say it in the diary room, say it to my face.' Say it in the DR and they'll play it to your face. He used to run a nightclub in Tenerife. TERRY TIBBS. Talking of drowning, he's like they melted Showbiz and Barrymore together. He's my pick to get kicked out for being racist.
Simone can understand people. I can't understand her. I don't want any of these four to go in!
Next in is Keiran and Rebecca. He's a honeytrapper and 'man whore'. I think she's his pimp. Rebecca has come out dressed like a granny on a cruise ship. Put down the lace and sequins. Keiran's got a birds' nest on his head. That's Emma's job. No escaping humidity! That was an awkward interview. Keiran 'revels' in female attention.
Joe/Terry Tibbs is like 'it's brutal out there' and Keiran is like 'it's alright'.
Next is Kayleigh. She looks like she should be on Love Island. Her stories are shit, something about a dream and her mum. That's like the worst sort of work colleagues' stories. She looks like she's wearing some old wallpaper from a haunted house.
Kayleigh knows Keiran! Fix, etc.
The audience look extra chavlicious tonight. Where do they ship them in from, Home Bargains?
Sue wants to go in cos she's a 'black girl with an Asian dress' and she's going to 'stir, cook and serve.' I can't believe you have to pay to vote for this! It should be on the app. I'm not paying for that! I do feel they've mistimed the vote. Everyone is new to us, so who cares about 4 new people? Two weeks in and we might want fresh blood and actually vote.
Raph is half American/ half Japanese and believes 'love is a weakness'. I'm getting Andrew from last year vibes. I like him! Him and Arthur. Those green shorts, though! He watches Big Brother Canada and the other international Big Brothers! Woo. He's my pick to win. Seemed super friendly going in, like a puppy. I don't care if he voted Trump! People are moaning at me on Twitter about it. Who gives a shit! I don't give a fuck who people vote for in the Big Brother house, what do I want, a house full of people like me? Fuck that! I'm guessing it's like when Jordan Parhar pretended to be ultra conservative to get in the Big Brother Canada house and then just went to sleep during the veto. I hope Raph isn't going to be similarly over-confident as I might put a couple of quid on him.
Liked Raph's intro to Suchvinder 'I like that it's diverse, I'm half Japanese myself.' Strong gameplay!
Chanelle is next from Manchester. Looks like Scarlett from Gogglebox got spliced with Katie Price. I like all her chins and her enormous boobs and her silly eyebrows. Fanny flaps mention FTW. Ooh mentioning Manchester! Shrewd gameplay here. Now we're dealing with the big guns. Her and Raph are in here for business, just like Kevin Robert Martin. I've got my eye on her. 
At least this Tom idiot put some of the others on blast.
This 'twist' is ruining the atmosphere. Bring back the golden ticket!
I like the mouldy-looking round couch. Oh, so the new person going in is going to be head of household, basically.
Why do they never have any good strong female housemates on BBUK! We rarely get shrewd, smart women in there.
Time to find out who's going in! (Who cares?) Andrew is crying hot tears of future lost magazine deals. In last place is Simone. She took it well. We'll never get to find out her hidden secrets. Sue didn't get in either! I'm surprised.
Who the hell voted for Tom?! Must have been cos he was on last. I was glad to see Andrew's hopes dashed, I must admit. But Tom is like a pointless little pitbull.
Tom is 'the people's housemate'. A bit like when Eric Stein was 'America's player.' So Tom is going to get info from the outside world, from the idiot general public. So they're going to split the house. I HATE house splits and I hate them the first night, especially. I hated it Kate Lawler's year and I hated in in BBAU when Tim was in there. It ruins the flow of the house and the dynamic of the relationships.
No Prosecco left for Tom, unlucky! But we can chat to him on Facebook live later. If we could understand what he's saying. OUTSIDE CONTACT etc.
PODCAST INCOMING in the next couple of hours! Keep your eye on this: https://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm
I promise to try and keep the blog up this series... wish me luck.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Big Brother voters: Queens of filth

Live feed lovers

Ooh, hello lovies. All I want tonight is a Kim/ Jedward final two. Don't let me down, you chicken livered shits.
Emma's coat makes me LOL out loud. Looks like she's escaped from prison.
My ideal order for booting out are Coleen, Bianca, James C, Nicola, Jedward and Kim.
Who's going to get the two by two eviction? Bianca and Coleen would be good. I honestly want to see Nicola go further than James C because at least Nicola has put some effort into entertaining us.
Outfits: Jedward are in military regalia, James looks like he's going to a wedding, Nicola McLean looks like a Hollywood starlet with balloons for boobs. Bianca looks like a viking pinhead. Looks like they've had a makeover.
Everyone is pretending they enjoyed their time in the house when they're actually dying to leave.
Kim: 'You're going to get some knick-knocking when strangers are put together.' I like Nicola and Bianca's Jedward look and the reinacting of Kim's argument.
So they are all sat down to watch the house highlights. I love Kim's sunglasses even though she can't see through them.
It was nice to see all the housemates in the diary room together, you don't really see that these days.
Bonka first out! I was hoping for Coleen but never mind.
Why have they brought the celebrities on from the cold? Let them suffer.
Will Emma now do one of her traditional slut-shamings? Bianca looks like she has three housemates worth of make up on. Her outfit is a bit 80s sci fi.
Bianca: 'I got booked to come in here single.' Why? Why does she have to be single to go in?
Bianca on Jamie and CJ Meeks: 'We're both sick of talking about it.' Tough shit, you'll be talking about it more in your magazine deal, I'm sure.
Bianca wants to go and 'enjoy the afterlife of Big Brother.' Spooky! At least she'll finally get to see her mum at last.
Nicola is out next. Her cleavage going up the stairs was a sight to behold. Boooo!
Wake up, James C! Show some respect. I hope no one votes for someone who is sleeping on the job!
Nicola's got lipstick on her teeth. That's the problem with glossy red lipstick. You need a good matte. Smokey eyes and red lipstick is a bit much for my taste. It's a bit Dynasty.
Her interview is basically Kim, Kim, Kim and 'I like Jedward now'.
I liked Emma asking Nicola if she's similar to Kim. Emma's not going to say anything about 'I'll go lower' gate is she?
OMG James is out next! I enjoyed James C's interview. My takeaway arrived at this point so I missed some of the salient points he made, but I liked his sense of humour and saying 'watching the housemates through the window was like watching a cartoon.' And I liked the fact he still had Coleen's back at the end. I enjoyed him saying he wouldn't like to see Kim again and that his best bits will 'be a very short reel.' He did have his moments when he wasn't asleep or trying not to say what he thinks.
How does Coleen always get so far? It's so annoying. Oh my God, Kim is out next! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. We are denied the magic of a Kim and Jedward final two. Arghhh!
Emma says it's close between Coleen and Jedward. How can it be? Coleen has done NOTHING. She has sat on her arse and been passive aggressive. Ugh! If she wins I'm going to GO SPARE!
It must be the split vote between Kim and Jedward because 'Kim or Jedward' was trending.
OMG! Kim went 'Don't start with me to Emma'! I'm dying.
Kim has found the final week 'horrible' after being surrounded by the 'ganghanded mob.'
Kim's argument highlights were amazing! Fuck the old housemates goading her. I love her giving them the finger. Spencer Pratt is being particularly obnoxious.
Kim decided to be a 'cobby old crab'. If you come for 'one woman on her own she'll have your guts for gartners.' She has the BEST turn of phrase.
I love Kim telling Nicola that she wanted to argue. 'They're not my friends... she's got a darn cheek. Little madam.'
Spencer is being SUCH a twat. Fuck Emma pulling up Kim on the word 'bullying'.
Kim's long red nails are amazing! I love her calling Speidi out on their 'food first.' OMG Kim going 'don't start with me' to the crowd. She's the best.
So Coleen won. I'll say that again, Coleen won. Can I have my money back please? The injustice hurts my heart.
Weird sound guys running behind Jedward!
Jedward can't wait for Coleen's book: 'I've lived with Jedward.' They were very gracious to her citing 'popstars winning.'
They beat their personal best of coming third last time. I can't believe Jedward got no noms their first series. Jedward 'We were runner ups.'
Jedward: 'We said some bad words this time.'
Also I can tell Jedward apart now and I couldn't last time.
Jedward are always '100% sober and present in the house.'
I love Jedward's self worth and how nothing dents their confidence. They actually do KNOW THEMSELVES.
Emma can't deal with Jedward calling for bringing back the '24 hour link' and wrapped up the interview, ha.
It's nice to see Coleen being emotional but she didn't deserve to win. WHO voted for her? Who votes for these Loose Women, Jim Davidson etc?
Coleen coming out to some mean drum and bass there. 'If I put my hand on my heart I didn't deserve to win it because I have been boring.' Truth. I hate Emma crawling up her arse.
You're right, Coleen, it is down to the idiot general public and that's why we always get the wrong result, every single fucking time.
Coleen found the experience relentlessly negative. She's describing herself.
I'm annoyed because it feels like a win for the ganghanded crew. I'd rather James had won than her.
Coleen's best bits is all just people saying stuff about her cos she's got no best bits.
Anyway, fuck y'all, you chicken livered shits. HORRIBLE PEOPLE. Ratbags. Podcast later. I'm gonna be angry as fuck. See you there!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I know Kim's strong and gangster

Ooh I just watched last night's show, too, so I'm in the zone! Haha, Calum left this week. I know, I forgot, too. That was fab though. I loved every second! He looked like crap in his interview, all sweaty and twitchy. I notice he's been on a respectful tour of gentleman's clubs since. That's our Calum. Bless you, you fake piece of shit.
OMG special mention must go to Jedward doing cocaine (sort of). Amazing: GIF gold. I wish they'd snorted it though. That would have been a BB moment of legend. Nicola looked well practiced.

I'm loving Jedward in the Jedtub – rubbing bubbles on each other. Seems perfectly normal.

I've missed the true story between Nicola and Kim but apparently it was on live feed (I've not watched yet) and James C and Nicola were being dicks. There must be a reason Jedward stick up for Kim when she goes off like that. It is partly because they're fellow oddballs, but I think there's more to it. Plus they hate the Blair Witch.

Kim in DR: ‘Oh I’m thrilled! I’ve made the Friday. Oh lovey I’ve got so used to this sniping. Nicola has got to be surrounded by her audience. When it kicks off they all go to Nicola’s aid.’

Kim is IN IT TO WIN IT. I wonder if she will ever get that autograph from James C? Probably not.

John just sniffed his arsecrack fingers after wearing Bianca's thong. Yes, I did just write that sentence. And people say I'm wasting my life.

Ooh so everyone likes Edward and not John! Boo. I can tell them apart now by looks but not personality. In a month I would crack it. Unfortunately I half crack it on the penultimate night.

Nicola: 'Edward's more camp.' More camp? John is the one wearing a girl's thong.

Choose #KIMWARD

CBB TV is the next task which I think is like QVC, with Jedward and Bianca. I don't think James C is buying it. He's so sour sometimes. Nicola is heaving at the sight of dog food. JEDWARD ARE EATING IT. OMG. And Bianca did. Nicola's gagging was magic. That was funny because they didn't have to eat it, but they did anyway. Mental.

I think Jedward would actually work well on QVC as they have a lot of natural enthusiasm.

The painless wax strips were brilliant! John did well not to react. OMG I can see Jedward pube.

I thought the healthy smoothie was just slop but it's got a fermented egg in it, dear lord. I love John going 'Wow, that really caught me off guard' after he vomited. Brilliant. Jedward rocked that task and Bianca did well, too.

Nicola: 'I don't want Kim to win.' Coleen: 'It will be her or Jedward. I'd like to interview people who vote for her to win.' I'm right here, bitch. They want Jedward to win over Kim. I want Jedward and Kim to tie!

More tweets! Shitstir. Kim: 'Shut your face, shut your gob' to Jedward for no reason. Jedward: 'I'll shut my mind.' Bhahaha.

Kim wants to 'get home tonight'. Jedward most antagonistic? Who are these people they are showing on the screen? They look like the undead.

Jedward accusing James C of 'flirting with Coleen' haha. Nicola thinks 'it's offensive when people are married.' That's cos she's a mega flirt/ drunk mess.

Coleen: 'Apparently I slag you off behind your back.' John: 'It's OK, as long as to our face you're all love.' LOL. I love them. What a great attitude.

 James C called out on his DR bitching and Kim calling him a wonderful actor! Yessss. Kim: 'I wouldn't pick you up with two shitty sticks.' Nicola: 'Don't tell me to shut up.' Kim: 'Then shut up, big gob.' James in the middle of Kim and Nicola. Jedward pissing their pants.

Nicola: 'You're a no good, vile, scum of the earth..'

Kim: 'And you're famous for showing your knockers.' Zing!

Coleen agrees that Kim is vile. Nicola speaks for the house: 'Everyone agrees apart from Jedward.'

Kim: 'Go see a doctor.'

Edward (I can suddenly tell them apart tonight): 'Did I get the answer right?' Fantastic comedy timing. Nothing phases them.

Kim agreeing with Jedward's bitchy DR about Nicola, haha. I love the sour atmosphere.

I love Jedward saying Kim's 'James C needs to grow a set of balls' DR speech was 'award winning'!  And they won the quiz! Winning. Yesterday Kim was my winner for her rock band audition sob story, but tonight Jedward are my winners for eating dog food and being silly. I'm a bit worried about a split vote, so everyone has to vote for Kim AND Jedward a few times! Like at least twice each.

Coleen: 'Kim is the vilest woman I've ever met in my life.' And she's worked on Loose Women. Kim for Loose Women! Now THAT I would watch.

Jedward: 'You look like a gangster in the diary room' to Kim, haha. Kim: 'Half their opinions they don't even believe them as they say them.' That is deep. I agree!

Kim: 'I've never said a word about you boys.' She called them little twerps the other day, but I think it was for a task, haha.

All Nicola has done is try and stand up for women's rights (ie. doing Page 3 and calling other women slags on Twitter.) Not exactly the next Germaine Greer is she? Although she's a better housemate.

Bianca is telling Nicola not to feed the troll. Nicola IS the troll.

I love how rattled Kim's got everyone. No sitting back and coasting in the last week for these motherfuckers, haha. 

Jedward and Kim are bunkering down together. Kim: 'They're gross people.' Haha. Jedward: 'It's awkward when they're talking shit about you.' Aw. Kim: 'They're chinless wonders.'

Kim trying to make James C and Coleen a thing. Love it! It's so not a thing.

Nicola: 'If you paid her enough, she'd get her old saggy boobs out.' Bianca: 'Stop.' Bianca's a good friend.

Jedward: 'I think they should apologise to us for making us feel unwanted.' Good luck with that.

Coleen wants to confront Kim. I hope she does cos she'll get eviscerated, lovey.  

Jedward feel James should apologise to Kim. I hope they tell him too! Edward: 'There's not a peep out of him.' John: 'A bird would tweet more.'

Jedward wants everyone to get along but all the housemates are 'thick'. Yes they are thick. Thick cunts. 'I know Kim's strong and gangster... and just because everyone has an opinion of you, doesn't mean it's true.' So true. Both Kim and Jedward can be profound at times.

I hate James's choices for his fairy story characters, making Kim and Jedward the villians. I've gone right off James C tonight. I thought he was fun yesterday during the rock band task. His reading out the story is good. Outside contact there though with a random camera man.

Kim makes a great witch tipping groo on Bianca's nylon hair. Now I can see all the joins, ick. Kim: 'It smells like a penguin's chuff!' 

I like them making James say 'gang-handed chicken livered buggers.' On the whole though, this was an annoying end to the show, and completely pointless. Thanks Big Brother!

Please vote for Kim and Jedward twice! I'll be podcasting and if Coleen, Nicola or Bianca win, it will be about five minutes long. Vote KIMWARD! Love you.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Washed up and shipped out

Televised tweet of the week

Hi there! I hate the fact there are already spoilers about the 'shock' eviction. Either do it live, or don't bloody do it. Why should people have to hide from Twitter and the online papers all day? Sucks so much. Luckily, I'm adept at spoiler dodging. I just put one hand over my eye like Nicola during an argument.
I love Calum and Coleen trying to be Jedward now with the water fights etc. Nice try, losers.
Kim: 'Love and lust! Two different things. Every wrinkle tells a dirty tale. They couldn't publish my life story, it'd be far too mucky. It should be called The Temptress. It should start, 'dig me deep, I'm a long bodied woman...' Ooh, lovey. What masterful diary rooming.
Why is Bianca going to Coleen for advice, when John McCruick already said she's crap to go to for advice? Bianca doesn't know whether to 'pull away' from Jamie. That's what he'll be doing during sexy times with no condoms in the mix.
Jedward are 'going commando for easy access to their junk.' Good to know.
Jamie thinks Calum's opinion is 'irrelevant.' 'We spoke about it, then put it to bed, like men do.' Fuck you, sexist prick.
Ooh, the police are showing them tweets now in the 'interrogation room'. This will fuck up their day. They are playing Bianca someone having a go at her on a tape recorder. What decade is this?
They are showing someone calling Kim a 'horrible old witch.' Fuck that person. Kim is God. Kim respects the twit's opinion. I love Kim flirting with the copper.
Kim: I don't regret a thing in here I've done or said.' LOL at her stroking the copper's beard.
Jedward's synchronised eating when Coleen is getting her grilling for bitching.
I love James C saying the rude tweet was from his agent. 'A boring old man', that's a bit harsh. 'People need to stop worshipping him'. True.
OMG the Calum tweet is by someone I know off Twitter! Why can't it be my tweeeeeeetttt! His tweet is SO FUCKING GOOD, though. So true. So, so true. 'Dull as fuck, arrogant as fuck...' 
Calum will take all of it. 'LJ815... you my friend can suck a dick.' We all like sucking dicks, don't we, lovey? It's not really an insult, as sucking dicks is fun for all concerned in general, so STFU Calum.
Ooh I know the person who did the negative Jedward tweet too! I'm well jel now. Why not my tweets, BB? I think I might be friends with everyone who hashtags CBB on Twitter cos I think hardly anyone watches Big Brother. Why is Coleen calling Jedward two faced? They are just mucking about.
I like this tweet blaming Nicola for people leaving, haha.
I don't really get that tweet calling Jamie a snake, as he hadn't acted like a snake, just a dickhead. Misleading tweet. 'Bianca would be a massive catch for me.' What is she, a mermaid? 'You're a bellend. If you don't like it, fuck off.' No, you fuck off, maggot.
I like to think they did read out my tweets to someone, they just never showed it. I'll tell myself that.
Jamie is now grassing to Calum that Nicola just said Calum's 'not real'. Grass. The nerd herd are a-turning on each other!
Coleen is bitter than Jedward didn't 'take in' the mean tweets. Why should they? Also, Tara Reid took the time to get to know them. So something got through to them then.
Jedward on the trolls: 'If we went to their house I bet you'd find a 'I love Jedward tshirt'. I love them both sipping their tea together.
Last part of the Judgement day task. Vanessa is back to send someone DOWWWWWNNN.
When she called Jamie's name my heart soared. It was just delicious. He's 'guilty as charged.' What's the charge? Being a washed up footballer?
OMG! Jamie is a goner! Not even a goodbye! LOLLLLLLLL! That was fucking amazing. I loved the music, I loved everyone's faces, I loved the handcuffs, the whole thing was just magic. TAKE HIM AWAY! Calum's face was a picture. Bianca just looked gormless as usual. No goodbyes. Just 'he's going in another room.' No, he's not. No secret rooms this year. And we thought Austin got the shaft with his eviction.
The other housemates still don't think he's gone. Ha, it now says 'ex housemate' on the wall.
James C: 'It would be Jedward or Kim they would fake evict.' I like the fact Kim pulled him up on that.
Big Brother is telling Bianca in the DR that he's really gone. He doesn't even get a crowd!
Coleen doesn't understand why Kim stayed over Jamie. Cos Kim is entertaining as fuck and Jamie is a weasel.
Calum is definitely secretly enjoying it as Nicola packs up Jamie's velveteen jackets. Why is Nicola packing his things and not Bonka? Bianca is blaming herself. Don't slut shame yourself. The public spoke.
Jedward think Bianca should be 'bawling her eyes out' haha. Love it. They are more emotional and James C is about Jamie going.
Ooh, Kim is taking on James C, bring it! She's like the antidote to him because she SAYS it. He doesn't say it. James C is looking at her like she's nuts.
I like the look of a Jedward all wet look. I do not like Calum's loafers with no socks.
Kim 'is having a catch up' with Nicola. 'You puzzle me... when do you bury the hatchet?' I admire Kim!
'There's a deep sadness in you' to Nicola. 'You're a lost soul.' Nicola: 'I have some issues.' Shame that conversation didn't end with a fistfight.
Calum's annoyed because Jedward are singing in the bedroom. Calum: 'I just want the fucking show to end. I'll kill everyone. Fact.'
I liked Coleen calling him 'grumpy bollocks.' Calum says people don't know what's important in the house... like sleep. Zzzz. Boring twat.
Kim wants to win! 'I won't put an act on to win, though.' Yes. I love her calling Nicola brazen for saying she or Jedward should have left. It is rude!
Jedward are singing in high pitched voices in the kitchen. How can everyone sleep with all those lights on? No wonder Calum's grumpy. Where does James C sleep? In the smoking area?
One Jedward immediately blamed the other, haha. Calum: 'I'm begging you', grabbing his crotch.
Calum's tattoos are disgusting. I love Jedward giving it back to Calum. 'We respect you, you are right because in your head you're right.'
Bianca and Nicola are saying NOTHING. 
Calum: 'No you don't respect me because you want to argue with me.' He's SHOUTING. He's so angry these days! His game is falling to pieces.
Jedward: 'You came out here to have an argument.' True.
How come Calum is allowed to 'come at' Jedward like that? When Jedward aren't allowed to walk towards Nicola? The double standards are epic.
Jedward said it's 'ever since I nominated you', ha.
Calum: 'No respect, it's out of order... blah blah.'
Jedward: 'We've been rooting for him since day one. Sleep when you're dead.' Deadwood, in Calum's case. Ooh, it's vote to win now! Whoop!!
I'm leaning a bit more towards Kim to win now, but I'm going to vote for both Kim and Jedward.
That was a great episode: Jamie disposed of in a manner befiting him and Calum's personality cracks showing worse than his scalp. It's Kim or Jedward's to lose.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't have enough phlegm for you

Your mum

Jedward have trashed the store room. I love Coleen's disgust. I mean, they could clean it up. But, you know, they're Jedward. Their mum normally does that for them.
Stacy: 'Hey, Jedwards, you need to clean the store room.' Jedward look non-plussed. I seem to remember them making a lot of mess in their first series and bugging the crap out of everyone.
Yas they're giving it back to Nicola: 'You turned the light on!' 'Only because you were just about to.' Um.
Coleen: 'They're knobheads.' You're a miserable lump. I love Jedward winding Nicola up. 'We can hear you, we're not deaf. These walls are paperthin.' So's Nicola's popularity. One Jedward looks less keen on yelling back at Nicola. The other is undeterred.
Ooh, Big Brother's Bit on the Inside (not as good as Bit on the Snide). Nicola 'used to be a glamour model but is now a wife and mother.' Those are not celeb credentials.
I love Spencer's crab eyes when asked a question about James C. Heidi is trying to be diplomatic. I like James C shaking their hands. He went higher!
Kim: 'Is your game below the belt at times?' to Speidi for saying Kim stank! Lol. Spencer did a 'spit and gag combination.' Goodness me. He denies all, citing the rulebook and denying 'doing a Dennis' with the statement 'I don't even have enough phlegm for you.' Ewww.
Lol James C and Calum getting called out for being fencesitters. Calum is a 'people pleaser' ie. card-carrying fanny rat. And that card is from the GUM clinic.
Ooh they are showing clips of Coleen bitching! Eep. Spencer: 'Two faced bitch.' Hahaha. Showing James C saying 'bite your fucking nose off' too. Haha. Speidi took that quite well... for now. I liked James C cuddling Heidi and Spencer going, 'Watch your nose.' He's on form tonight! I'm surprised he didn't take more umbridge at that. Probably too scared.
Ooh James and Bianca are under the grill about their romance. Is it just a holiday romance ie. Big Brother Brain? Yes.
Nicola's face when they played that clip of the 'secret code'. Bianca visibly gulped.
It's taking Jamie a while to twig about the secret code, I think. Jamie: 'You did say you were single.' Ouch. I feel sorry for Bianca! She's sweet. I suppose we needed another woman to slutshame this week, right?
Spencer is demanding to speak to his lawyer as Kim is libelling him saying he's spat on her. 'You need to get that footage of me not spitting on her.' How are they going to get that?!
Bianca doesn't have to justify herself to these muppets. Jamie is trying to grab the opportunity to look like Mr Innocent with both hands. 'She's come in here and binned her fella after two weeks.' Hopefully she'll bin you after two weeks, too, dopey-drawers.
Bianca is now crying in the DR cos Big Brother are big meanies. Who cares about her outside boyfriend? She obviously has terrible taste in men. He's probably a twat, too.
Jamie stroking his beard, pretending he cares. Bianca's boobs look amazing today. I like her outfit.
Jamie didn't come into the house to 'crack on with a bird.' No, he respects women far too much for that, fucking little goblin/ hobbit/ piece of shit.
Jamie: 'You can't be wishy washy, you're either in or you're out. I really like you. You should have said, this is the sitch.' The sitch? Go die.
Ooh, nominations! The housemates have to nominate one person each. There are some other rules, involving picking a card, but I got confused.
Speidi nominated Kim, Nicola nominated Jedward, Jedward nominated Bianca for her dating status! They shouldn't be allowed to slutshame in their nom, it's got nothing to do with them.
Oh, Jessica selected a Joker card which means she can't nominate. Good, she's not even a housemate as far as I'm concerned. She even ruined the live feed by being so criminally dull.
Calum got to save someone and he chose Coleen! I'm glad he chose her and not Jamie. Ugh, then Bianca saved Jamie. Fuck that. I hope she goes in his place then.
Kim got the Joker so can't nom. I don't like the random nature of this. I did like Spencer laughing at Kim and her going 'You're quite mental aren't you?' to him. She delivered the line so beautifully.
Coleen nominated Jessica (yes). James C got the Joker.
So neither Jamie, Nicola or Calum are up! Up are Bianca, Jessica, Jedward, Kim and Speidi. Jessica or Bianca to go then.
Kim's getting sloshed! Yesssss. 'It doesn't taste a bit like booze... I could have a load of that.' Line 'em up!
Calum is surprised to not be up for eviction. You and me both, bitch.
Spencer congratulating Jamie on not being evicted sooner, haha.
Kim is binge drinking and now starting on Spencer. Spencer: 'You're not getting a scene out of me.' Haha. Heidi grassing to Big Brother, what a pussy. Ha, Kim is starting on James C now. I love it. Give Kim more drink!
Kim has ruffled Speidi's feathers. Oh God, not more door opening and closing. Lol at Kim calling Spencer a 'mental midget'. Is he short?
I love Kim's red top and sunglasses, tres chic. Ooh, Kim is gonna tear a strip off Big Brother now.
'Do not do this to me! You are making a fool out of me with this young twerp! That rotten young pig that he is.' More DR rants for Kim, please.
Lol, I just noticed Jamie's tattoo: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Cringebag. Bianca's drunk again. Jamie wants to go and sleep in someone else's bed. Try Jedward's.
Save Speidward (again!)

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Not a dream or a nightmare, this is reality

Fanny rat on the turn

Someone at work said to me today, 'How can Calum Best be so ugly when his parents were so beautiful?' Good question. The weirder part is how many people STILL find him attractive.
Not voting tonight cos there's too many people up and it's a Tuesday. LOTS of Nicola hate online today about the Kim/mum comment. I get it, but I also think people are just looking to take Nicola down over something. And now this has happened, they're delighted. Don't get me wrong, I do not like Nicola. But I thought she'd handled the Kim situation quite well until that point. Better than I would have done, anyway.
Spencer going 'blergh' in Coleen's face and saying, 'This is not a dream or a nightmare, this is reality.' Haha. Coleen is trying to set James C on Spencer. Spencer didn't 'pull the covers off her' nor scare her. She's hamming it up.
I would be annoyed with Stacy hiding food. If someone wants Nutella, why can't they just get it out the cupboard? Why does Stacy have to be food monitor? Bring back Austin and his water bottles and his shouting and his arse.
Calum thinks Coleen is milking the Spencer situation, as do I. I hate agreeing with Calum. Coleen: 'Spencer screamed in my face three times and no one said anything.' You say something, Coleen. Stick up for yourself! 'Screamed' is pushing it. He just went 'blergh.' Blergh is not screaming. Just ask Timmy Mallett. Spencer is growing his pube beard back again though, which I think should be vetoed. I can't believe Heidi allows it. Saw their arch nemisis 'Toadjerk' on CBBBOTS yesterday. Douche!
James C finds the 'feral catfight distasteful.' James is being a bit of a snob again. He looks like he should be put on suicide watch. SMILE, James. Enjoy your pass to the final. CBB is one long endurance task for him.
Can't believe Stacy is turning round James C saying he was violent back on him. Gross. He was confiding in her!
My brain switches off when Jessica speaks. Her rows with Stacy are mute button times. I don't care about either one of them, they're both in the wrong, and both muppets, and every second spent on them is seconds I'm not watching Speidi or Jedward and I hate them for it. Although Stacy did say 'gang handed' so she wins as far as I'm concerned.
Kim to Jedward: 'Do you think I'm going to spend the ten years I've got left dealing with shitbags?' Lol.
Jamie plans to 'get Bianca in his bed.' Gross. He's respectable and will 'treat her like a lady until he gets her out of there.' Grim. Then he's abuse her in a Travel lodge.
Jedward's Riddler jackets are tres chic.
Ugh, what are Bianca and Jamie doing in that toilet? 'Thie things I'm going to do to you when I get out of here.' Take your velveteen smoking jacket off for a start, pimp daddy. And make sure she's sober first. Good luck with that, though.
Jamie is not in the house to 'have a TV romance.' I think he just wants to shag a drunk Bianca.
Then they said 'I love you' to each other in bed. How many mini cans of gin and tonic was that after?
I love Jedward's pizza outfits. They are amazing. Nicola having a go at Jedward: fuck you, bitch.
What is Nicola's problem with them? Doesn't like them entertaining the public? SHE is the one who switched the light on full blast and went after them like a banshee! I like the person on Twitter @LucyAnnRed who said 'Nicola's eye has popped out again.' Tweet of the week.
Get who out? Crowd are quiet! Jamie got booed, woo! Jedward got booed and Jessica got cheers!? WTF. Nicola got some cheers! The crowd is like the exact opposite of my Twitter timeline.
Oh, Stacy got evicted, even with all that airtime! LOUDER doesn't mean safer. Well I'm amazed a black woman lasted this long in Brexit Britain. Who voted to save Jamie? Fuck you! Subjecting us to more slurping, ick.
What is going on with Stacy's hair? I don't like the slick look. I prefer her crazy curls. I'm not really liking her bottle green dress with her boobs bouncing out, either. Stacy should have made it to the finals, really. Oh well.
Emma finally has an opinion about something... and it's that she'd 'blow' if someone put her washing on the floor. I wouldn't give a fuck. It's going in the washing machine after.
Stacy: 'Is Kim senile?' Yes. I liked Stacy's joy at saying the word 'telly'. I liked her plug for herself at the end too, haha.
Well, that was a bit of a damp squib of an eviction, but it is a Tuesday, so what else are you gonna do? Suck it up, I guess. Speidward FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Underwars

The H list

Hello there! Sorry no weekend blogs, I did do a podcast with my friend Gaz though, so check it out if you haven't already...
So Nicola has moved beds away from Speidi. Heidi just wants to be 'neutral' ie. just do what Spencer tells her. I thought Spencer was being a prick yesterday. You can't really say Speidi have turned up when they're being that petty to someone who was a friend to them. I did like Jedward in the ball pit though, and I especially liked Calum and Jamie being left out in the cold. Come back when you're a ten, boys.
I don't know why Nicola is having a go at Stacy about Speidi. She's 'no wallflower'! Why not say it to Speidi and NOT Stacy then?
Ooh, washing wars. Kim is putting Stacy's dirty undies on the floor. On my timehop today was about Stephanie Davies dirty knickers getting shown to the house, so it's obviously the time of year for it.
Kim did apologise to Stacy and said 'no offence meant' so I'm notquite sure why Stacy then went postal.
Stacy is an idiot kicking off on nomination day. 'Schizophrenic two personality bitch' is true about Kim, though. At least Kim is giving it back to her, calling Stacy a big mouth. Seriously, is it worth getting this upset about, lovey?
Kim isn't as fiery when not drunk. 'You'd make a wonderful town crier' was quite funny, though. 'Two tomatoes short of a salad.'
I love the fact Nicola came into the bedroom to watch the argument. I would, too. Heidi decides to make up with Nicola while it's kicking off with Stacy and Kim, ha. I wasn't sure which conversation to listen to! 'Let's just move forward.' No apology there. Did Spencer give her permission? Nicola was meek as a mouse there. Total wallflower!
Jamie going: 'I'm horny' to Bianca, grim. He's only interested in her in there, isn't he? Big Brother balls.
James C will not kick off at Speidi in the house as they're 'playing a game' but outside he'd 'bite his nose off.' Ha. 'Outside they wouldn't behave like that.' I think they would, actually.
Jessica is treating Calum 'like a piece of meat.' Offal.
Stacy is trying to get to the inner workings of James C. He's been violent in the past! Ooh. Interesting. This is like a real conversation, I'm amazed they aired it. James won't go back to being 'the old him'. I guess being that old you get some perspective.
Ooh, it's not face to face noms, but them playing noms on the screen! Ooh, anyone who gets one nom is up! Brill. I love both these things, cos the noms are more honest than face to face, and putting anyone with one nom up gets Speidi off the hook.
Speidi's nomination against Coleen/ James C is dumb as fuck. Coleen is 'spying' for James C.
Spencer: 'Nicola broke what's left of Speidi's CBB heart.' Boo and indeed hoo. Stop kissing arse and being understanding Nicola.
Coleen nominated Kim for being mental them being Snow White and Jedward for being 'bizarre'. Jedward have a nasty side 'IN THE BED.' OMG.
James C nominated Kim for 'condescending the younger housemates' and Jedward for 'excessive food consumption' and their 'continued performance which is irritating'. Haha.
Jedward nommed Stacy for screaming (fair point) and for making small things huge and Nicola. Ugh, is no one gonna nominate Jamie? UGH!
Nicola nominated Kim and Jedward for 'making her stressed.'
Jamie nominated Kim 'as he doesn't want to be seen that way' (as an adulterer, I guess). And Jessica as he feels awkward around her. Hopefully she'll go then.
Jessica nominated Stacy and Jamie! Thank God Jamie is up. I would LOVE for him to go.
Calum nominated Jedward and Kim. I liked Jedward saying 'we've got better hair'. Ooh, Calum is going to regret saying Jedward teamed up with Speidi in his nom. Spencer won't forget that.
Bianca nommed Kim and Jedward. Not the 'can't take any criticism' thing again. I have some criticism for you, Bianca. You're a lush with bad taste in men and you look stoned half the time. I'm not even convinced you like killer whales. Hope you can take that criticism OK.
Stacy nominated Jessica and Kim. Good, Jessica needs to go.
Kim nominated Stacy because Kim doesn't want to walk round on eggshells (lol) and Nicola/Nicole for the usual reasons. I want Speidi to team up with Kim against Nicola.
Kim won't tell Nicola what she's lied about. She doesn't have to say! I don't think there is anything, to be honest. Nicola: 'If you liked me, I'd be mortified.'
Kim: 'Be a woman and take it on the chin.' Kim is right, Nicola does want to do it in front of the whole group so she can look like the 'good person'.
So everyone was nommed apart from Calum, Bianca and James C (ie. the deadwood section).
I really hope Jamie goes now. Who would vote to save him!?
Woah, Nicola is really angry. Starting on a gran again. Nicola: 'I have never looked like an idiot in this house.' Er, OK then. Nicola is coming across an irrational harridan, showing off to try and win Speidi back. She's like the second in command school bully.
Kim: 'You're a mum, grow up.' Nicola: 'And you're not, and that's the problem.' Kim is actually, it's just her baby was stillborn. Sensitivity not Nicola's strong point, there. She will go lower... true. I don't think there is any lower than that, to be honest.
James C in the DR moaning that Speidi aren't too bright. I don't think that's true. They are 'professional reality people' though. Just like Calum.
Spencer trying to wind Coleen up about only her sister voting for her, haha.
Spencer to Coleen: 'Your acting sucks, lucky you're a host of some panel show.'
OMG Spencer saying James C isn't 'A list' 'Braveheart was in 97.' His 'own men killed him on Game of Thrones'. That's BRILLIANT! 'They stabbed him straight in the face.' Spoiler! Ooh, Spencer is giving Coleen evils! Spencer is drunk. In fact, everyone is drunk as fuck. Speidi are even having a group hug with Nicola now. Spencer: 'It's a compliment to you that we acted so badly.' That is twisted logic. Speidi: 'We need help.' True.
Speidi have a new target now... Coleen (and James C!)
Coleen calling Spencer talentless. Spencer has a natural charisma that Coleen doesn't have. Heidi is dressed like a middle aged housewife today, her jeans are too high up and she's got a Deirdre Barlow roll neck on.
So have Speidi got nastier since they were eternally nominated? Are they going the full Helen Wood? I'm just glad to see them bitching at last. Save Speidi and Jedward!