American Idol: Exitainment Gives Back (Alicia Keys)

Hiya, sorry for the lack of bloggles, I've been having a few technical problems (with my life). And my TV actually. But that's no excuse. So here's a late Idol blog for you.
It's nicer watching Idol on a torrent than on ITV2 because it's obviously in HD and everything looks like it's been painted with chrome (including Ryan Seacrest's face).
What's the first thing you think when you hear the words 'Alicia Keys'? Ryan reckons 'Philanthropy, generosity and musicianship'. He says tomato, I say, cunt. I think of her on a telephone, and more latterly, her with Jack White, another pretentious, humourless Yank-bore. So anyway, it's great that she's the mentor this week.
Argh, I just want to slap her. She's just so gratuitously smug she makes Mariah Carey look self-effacing. And just to add to the smugfest, it's 'Idol Gives Back' week. Spare me! Ah look, they forced Crystal Bowersox to ask Alicia a question about her charity work. Very natural. Have I mentioned I'M a charity worker? No? Well I'm philanthropous (I made this word up) DAILY but I don't like to mention it.
So apparently the theme is 'inspiration'. I think 'insipid' will be nearer the mark.
How is Casey Jones still in this? Is that even his name? He's just a ghoul on a poster, an advert for Levis. Not interested. Why is he there instead of Didi Bananas? I liked her. Ah, Casey JAMES. Sorry Corey. I mean, Casey.
I love Randy, but his comments are so boring these days. I preferred the days when Simon used to look perplexed at everything that came out of his mouth.
Casey looks like one of his nuts and bolts is coming loose. OMG what is Simon wearing?! Is that a tank top? A cardie? He is getting cuckolded, BIG TIME. Lollies.
I like Lee Dewyze. I used to think he was nothingy but he's grown on me a lot. I said it before but I like his imperfections and his gravelly bits. I liked his song choice, too. I think he makes the right decisions. And I fancy him a bit now, just because I like him more.
OMG someone's going to do R Kelly later. Is it going to be Trapped in the Closet (with all it's parts?) 'I pulled out my barretta!' Let us pray together.
Goo Goo Dolls! I like one of theirs. Someone put it on a mix tape for me once. It wasn't this one though. This one sounds like an X Factor winners single! I like this Keith Urban dude a bit more now too. I like the fact he's a bit out of tune and flat, it's appealing. He looks more handsome this week too. Maybe I'm going soft.
Oh, Aaron is doing 'I Believe I can Fly' not the midget chronicles #13. This song sucks some serious dick. Aaron is weird. I can't get the Final Destination kid out of my head. And the fact he's so obviously gay. He can't win this race. He's just too geeky and show-tunesy.
Ooh Ellen made a joke about drugs! Those naughty lesbians! What is going on with Ryan and Simon? I reckon Simon set up the US X Factor gig solely to make Ryan unemployed. Don't fuck with the Cowell, chrome boy.
Next up: Siobhan. If I live to be 100 years, I will never spell it right first time. And I will not live to 100. Not with that chip shop nearby. I reckon she could win it. Could she? Could she take it off Crystal? Definitely, Crystal is too grumpy. Hold on, what am I talking about; it will a bloke that wins, right? Ooh, I like her butterflies.
Big Mike! Been a bit bored with him since they saved him. Woah, he is BIG! Look at his arms! I wouldn't fuck with him. Mm, sweat patches. Mind you, I'd have sweat patches if I was wearing a jumper under those lights. I'd have sweat patches if I was naked under those lights. Especially so.
Crystal! Her voice is really good. I just like her a lot. She looks a bit awkward without her guitar, and a little frumpy but that's OK. Aw, she blubbed at the end! If it was someone else I'd be cynical but I trust her. I liked it when she used Ryan's hanky.
I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. Where is our gay emo Superman this year? Answer me that, Simon.
Oh and onto the results show. There's Obama! He talks like a cartoon character. His wife looks like she's got one on dip and one on dazzle. Ooh Obama bigging up Randy- hehe.
Oh Christ, Queen Latifa. This is going to be painful. Sponsor mentions: #25. Coming up, the Crack Eyed Peas and Joss Stone. Dear Lord.
Ooh Big Mike, white really isn't your colour. I feel like I'm watching Ghostbusters.
I'm going to have to skip a lot of this charity stuff because it's too cloying. Although Jennifer Garner seems nice and she's supporting Save the Children. I just don't know how they reconcile their obscene wealth with others extreme poverty.
Ooh Posh is supporting Save The Children too. She's putting on a REAL posh voice (how did she get that nickname?). She looks so natural, as ever, reading off that card. What a star.
Ooh Russell Brand has popped up. He looks haunted and too thin. I miss him being off his head on crack presenting MTV Dance. I miss him darting around on Big Mouth. But mostly I miss his radio show. RIP. PS. Don't marry her.
I skipped Black Eyed Peas, but couldn't miss Fergie's outfit. Nice boots, you utter mess. And why is Ferdy in the band now? First Eastenders, now this.
The less said about this stand up comic, the better. Ah, the car advert. How uncynical. This certainly makes me want to give money to Africa.
Wow, Joss Stone's band look cool! *speechless* Pass the gun, dear.
God, Russell Brand, what are you doing? It makes me weep, it really does. Your talent is unique; you are so much better than Jim Carey or that Jonas guy.
God this is rubbish. Annie Lennox and Mary J Bilge are beyond comment.
So, Keith Urban went home. Just as I started liking him. Should have been Casey! Next time.
That show was arduous, which had a knock on effect on my blog. I blame the do-gooding!