Dear Carphone Warehouse: Fuck you.

If I don’t rant about this now, it will result in a heart attack at 35.
Two months ago someone from the Carphone Warehouse rang me about upgrading my IPhone. They said I could have unlimited texts and 600 minutes for £25 a month, plus £150 cashback (via cheque). I was happy with this (obviously!) and agreed. I also got an email confirming the plan.
The next month I noticed my bill was still the same. I called 02, who are my provider, and they said they had not heard from the Cuntphone Cockhouse and ‘maybe it was a hoax call’. I called the Carphone Warehouse (just those two words make me want to stab myself in the eye) and after trying to pass me back to O2 again, they eventually checked my records and saw the call had taken place. They assured me that the information would be passed to 02 ‘over the weekend’ and that my cheque had ‘already been issued’.
I left it a week and called 02 again. I am now in the process of moving house, so very stressed anyway. They had heard nothing from the carphone warehouse. They offered to change the plan for me direct, but then I wouldn’t get the cheque, so tried carphone warehouse again. After someone trying to pass me back to O2 once again, they finally called up my notes. This person said there had been ‘a connection error’ and neither the upgrade (nor the cheque- no shit) had been issued. To add to this shitstorm of uselessness, I had to go to a Carphone Cunthouse store to sort out the problem! When I asked why I had not been told that the previous week, he said ‘if you’d called me, I would have told you that.’ Apparently my whole account was set up wrong and needed to be reissued. By this time, two months have passed and I’m losing money on my bill (as I was texting as if my plan was ‘unlimited’.) When I said I would just go back to 02 and get their upgrade, the guy said ‘you cant do that because we own the phone’.
It gets better. On Monday I trundled down to the Carphone Twatshop and the shop was closed with a sign stuck in the window saying ‘back shortly’. I stood there for ten minutes in the cold for the guy to come out and say very rudely ‘we’re closed.’ When I said I’d been standing there 10 minutes he said ‘I’ve only been gone for 1 minute’. Must have been a long one minute because in that time another customer had driven up, stood chatting to me for five minutes, tried to call the number on the front of the shop, then given up and gone again.
After this I sent off an email and today the Princess of Carphone Cuntheads emailed back to say ‘you still have to go in the store, and your cheque is for £60.’ She barely addressed ANY of my problems.
Hilariously, I then went back to the shop where I got told (by quite a nice man, oddly) the offer I got was ' a retention offer which WAS ONLY AVAILABLE VIA PHONE! I know, it’s funny, isn’t it?
When I started crying again they said that basically I should leave the carphone warehouse and get my billing via 02, as they could not do the upgrade for me. They said I now 'own the phone' contrary to the guy on the phone I spoke to who said I'd have to give the phone back if I got my billing through 02! Honestly, there might as well be a Carphone Warehouse magic 8 ball that you go and shake for answers for all the continuity of information you get.
I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing. If I ever got that cheque I think I’d drop down dead. The ironic part is I didn't even ring to ask for an upgrade in the first place: THEY RANG ME!
Having to deal with shit like this genuinely makes me want to commit suicide. The thought of another 50 years of this bullshit makes me just want to go and inject some heroin and be done with it. Then I wouldn’t even have an IPhone, I could just sell it for crack.