American Idol: Your only gimmick is a carpet

I promised I'd do an American Idol blog, and a promise is a promise (or so says Michael Stipe). I haven't really been feeling it this year; I miss Paula and Ellen is just weird in a boring way, not very funny, and doesn't seem to have a clue what she's talking about. I don't get what the appeal is; she's not edgy enough to be of any intelligent use, and not fluffy enough to be any fun. Will Simon take Randy the Dawg with him to the US X Factor? I hope so. Randy is lush! It wouldn't be the same without seeing if he's fat or thin from season to season. You can leave Seacrest behind though; his banter is becoming excruciating. No wonder Simon quit! I do like Kara a lot, she's lovely.
There's no firm favourite for me with the contestants this year; no Adam Lambert! Even the ones I like I don't LOVE. And the Rolling Stones week last week was pathetic; who picks these themes? It's supposed to be a young show! I'm nearly 30 and I couldn't give two fucks about the Rolling Stones. This week's theme of Number 1s sounds a lot better.
Tonight's guest judge is Miley Cyrus. Is there a human on the planet more odious than Miley Cyrus? Charmless, arrogant and with the voice of a 50 year-old-chain smoker. Close your eyes and listen to her speak! It's not normal! What is there to like? I can't even understand why children like her. She's 17 going on 60.
Lee Dewyze (is he the bank robber?) I actually quite like, I liked his version of 'Fireflies' a couple of weeks ago, and there just seems something a little more interesting about him than some of the others. I even liked some of his bum notes last week. But he still lacks something. I don't know what this song is he's singing, but it's fucking dreadful.
Oh Christ, Paige Miles has chosen Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Was Another Day in Paradise not a number one? How about Think Twice? She sounds scared to death. And she fluffed the words. And she's off. Aw, bless. Ellen gave her the 'at least you look great' comment. Oh dear. Kara said it was the worst vocal this season!
Rya Seacrest sounds like his microphone is in a bucket of water. Maybe that's what happened to Paige and Phil Collins.
Tim Urban doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I hate that song. I don't like Tim Urban much either. Zzzzz. The vocals are boring because it's a boring song that goes nowhere.
Don't pretend to have a crush on Miley, Aaron Kelly, you're quite obviously gay. Mind you, she makes a great fag hag. Aaron looks like the guy out of the first Final Destination, who's in the Stan video for the Eminem song. He keeps singing songs by geriatrics; I mean, Aerosmith? It's what thick people have played at their weddings. Song choice fail. Come back with some N Dubz next week.
Crystal Bowersox! She's pretty good. I bet it hurt having to take advice from the devil child. Credibility broach! She sung some country song. The guitar reminded me of Bad Bright Eyes. Don't like Bad Bright Eyes. Only like Good Bright Eyes. I liked it when she was kind of shouting at the end, though. That reminded me of Good Bright Eyes. I think she is quite a talent. It's obvious why she's cagey; because she's selling out by being on American Idol. But over there, I think it's worth the risk. You can come eighth and still make a decent living.
I like big Mike! He's really genuine and he's got a fantastic voice. There's something lovely about him, I like the way he just gave Miley a bear hug and lifted her off the floor. I want a Mike cuddle.
Next up is Andrew. Do you think they're going to mention that great audition where he did Paula Abdul's Straight Up? They have only mentioned it EVERY SINGLE WEEK since he did it in boot camp. It was good, but it wasn't that good, folks. Let's relax a little. Oh Christ, he's doing Marvin Gaye. Come back Paula, all's forgiven. He sounds like he's just talking most of it. Oh my God, Kara mentioned 'that moment' but didn't invoke the name of Paula this time. It's like THAT DRESS. Oh she said it! STRAIGHT UP! Pathetic. That record is broken.
Katie Stevens has an annoying precocious kind of face, but irritatingly, she's quite good. She still looks like a five-year-old doing karaoke, though. She looks like she should have shoes on that are three sizes too big, and she's gurning all over the place. Her eyebrows look like they're on strings.
Ah Gordon Ramsay is in the audience. Do you think he's going to call Miley Cyrus a pig? Here's hoping.
Casey James is beautiful but bland. Look at his perfect hair, and proto-Brad Pitt face. He leaves me cold.
I like Didi Bananas! She looks like Madeleine McCann's mum. Ryan fucked up her name. That song she sang was AWFUL! Oh my god, I was praying for tinnitus. I agreed with what Kara said, it seemed fake.
God, more old songs, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Have they heard of any songs since the 80s? I kind of like this geeky snaggle-toothed one, Siobhan Magnus. She's got a gob on her like Andy Murray. Why do people call their kids names you have to think about how to spell because it's pronounced different? I don't want to think about that every time.
And now for the results show. I know, I've had shorter working weeks. To cut an hour down to five minutes, it was Paige Miles. I didn't even know she existed until she murdered Phil Collins. Bye!