Wednesday, 21 March 2007

You are Not a Writer

Being on telly, getting your boobs done, being in a band: none of these things give you any sort of writing credentials. Indeed, even writing credentials don't give you writing credentials unless you can- wait for it- actually write. There are a trillion people who think they can write. There are creative writers everywhere churning out complete and utter drivel and expecting it to outsell the Bible. Poets are the worst- any old cobbled together rhyming or non-rhyming pap about death or kittens and they declare it poetry. I never tell people I write poetry because although my poetry is half-decent, anyone who has never seen it will assume perfectly reasonably that it is useless because of they 99% of other poetry that came before it.
The irony is, despite a plethora of nutcases declaring themselves to be literary geniuses whilst churning out shit, every day you will get an effortless email or even a text message from a friend that is one billion percent (thank you, Simon Cowell) more creative and well-written than anything these 'writers' could dream of. Yet your genius friend would never call themselves a writer.
So why then, am I subjected to Michelle Heaton of Liberty X fame 'writing' a column in the magazine in the middle of OK magazine? Answer: because I buy OK magazine. Admittedly, it is my own fault. But I tolerate Kerry Katona's 'the papers hate me! I don't drink nuffink! My husband is a good-looking man whom won't let me own my own mobile and definitely won't run off with another woman and all my money in six months!' drivel (hold on, Katona would never use the word 'whom'). I even allow Jordan's (what qualifies her to be a psychotherapist?) trite problem page, but Heaton's column is just a smack in the mouth too far.
It's all 'I hope Kylie's feeling better' and 'I hope Robbie is Ok after rehab' and 'I hope Britney's hair grows back quickly'. URGH. This is not what we want to hear from a columnist, and she's messing it up because she's NOT A WRITER. Half her double page spread is a picture of her with her ridiculous eyebrows leering out. And if it's not inane wittering about how much she loves everyone and everything it's unashamed plugs of her band or her latest TV show or she rambles on about her boring husband whom she trapped into marriage.
Michelle Heaton: you are not a writer. You aren't even a singer really, but hey, you're not stepping on my toes churning out rubbish pop music. Your column however, offends my sensibilities.
Great writers are heroic. Morrissey, Conor Oberst, Charlie Brooker, Grace Dent, that guy off and Dr David Thorpe off These are writers.
Michelle Heaton or Michelle Scott-Lee or whoever the fuck you are now. It won't be long before you're sacked. Unfortunately no one good will take your place because all the cool people swear too much, or are lyricists or on the internet, not sandwiched grotesquely between Katona and Jordan, sucking the souls of the too-dumb-to-question-it masses.


Anonymous said...

Well I’ve got to hand it to you,

Who says that your poetry is half decent?

Who says that you can write?

A bunch of alcoholics perhaps?

And who are they to pass judgement?

Any alcoholic thinks that they can write, and by todays standards, they are probably right…

No… wait, what am I saying?

This point has to be made. You would give so much of a shit about who actually qualifies as a writer, yet you would ignore that facts around you for cheap TV and bullshit.

You’ve spent how many of these ‘blog’ entries commenting on ‘the big brother phenomena’. Do you think that you have something to say about mass media and the regurgitated crap that you seem to think is worthy of your semi journalistic talents?

Eric Arthur Blair is spinning in his grave right now. Dig him up if you don’t believe me.

Unregulated positioning of CCTV cameras? Speed cameras recording number plates everywhere? Arrest without charge? Were you too busy watching ‘big brother’ to notice this? Did surveillance society sneak in while you weren’t looking?

And well, what were you looking at? (One guess only mind, choose carefully.) Was it TV perchance? (You now I’m right, though I don’t think you’d care to admit it).

So, some airhead celebrity has a blog. Telling us what we think, what we choose and what we fear. It all used to be Oxbridge graduates, now it’s someone who got on TV by phoning a number. And just to rub it in, who put them on TV in the first place?

People like you; watching (and voting for) bullshit.

I’m sure by now that you’re are ready to tell us what you think. Don’t think too much though, that detracts from the point.

You think you’re a writer? Open your eyes and write!

lightupvirginmary said...

My first bit of hate mail! And anonymous too, what do you know.
I LOVE cheap TV and I make no apologies for it. I don't vote though. Well, OK only for Big Brother, and only if I feel particularly strongly.

Anonymous said...

the strangest thing about this modern phenomenon of celebrity writers is the fact that none of them can spell or indeed even read. this leads me to believe that the articles under discussion in this very blog are actually secretly written by a group of select, uniquely-gifted individuals. these individuals, chosen at birth by the illuminati lizard rulers of our world, were picked under the belief that they were born with a rare, mysterious, and god-like ability. This ability, unlike any other known to man, involved the placing of unrelated words onto a piece of paper in some kind of magical order. This order, when read, made the words sound remarkably like speech. So adept were these chosen new-borns at this magical skill that no screams were heard or words uttered as they left their mother’s wombs. Instead, the babies each gave their delivering doctor a blood and mucus covered, hand-written note. Each note, although unique in its incredible use of prose, punctuation and imagination bore the same earth-shattering message…….

“Give up your lives, you planet-dwelling scum for I can……WRITE!”

so elitist and up their own arses did this group of lizard wannabees become that by the year 2006 they had even taken to calling themselves by a new name -

the ghost writers.

So, the next time you feel the need to attack a poor and defenceless celebrity writer, bear these words in mind…..

“read better magazines.”