Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Final - headache!

I like the sign saying 'Anyone but Speidi.' I don't like the series recap at the beginning, it should be at the end. Is it for people who haven't watched the whole series but want to watch the final? Can't see it somehow.
Here's all the ex-housemates we've grown to love. Oh. God, what a drabble. I only like Lacey.
Urgh, I hate the last minute pleas! I hope Toadie's out first. Spencer's eviction outfit seems to be a coat. Brian is wearing a green velvet jacket. Leprechaun times! I don't like Claire's ringlets, she looks like an overgrown child. Spencer should do the talking, not Heidi, as we learnt on the live feed last night, more of which later.
Here's the order I want them out: Ryan, Claire, Razor, Spontag, Rylan. Toadie's got some strategy there using his speech to say 'vote for Rylan'. That's some toadying right to the end!
There is SO MUCH Rylan backlash right now! But it don't matter, he still got this baby in the bag and I'll be £90 richer tonight.
Spencer: 'acquaintances.' What a grinch. I normally hate these last suppers, but this one was fantabulous. Here's what I learnt from the live feed last night: Spontag are lushes. And Spencer either pulled out the biggest strategy move in the whole of Big Brother, or actually cracked. Either way, it was absolutely AMAZING.
Razor said the 'friends not acquaintances' line as a comeback to Spencer; that adds a bit more context. He wasn't being nice, he was sniping. I loved it when they took an ad break when Toadfish did his speech on the live feed last night. Perfect timing for once.
Interesting to see how they'll cut Spencer's speech. Spencer's 'true heart' does not exist. The word 'cast' in Big Brother is just WRONG. Spencer: 'it's been very difficult for me to be awful.' LIES! OMG how could they cut out the kryptonite line? That was a bad edit of that speech because that was a truly revelatory moment. I love Razor and Rylan bitching after. It WAS a brilliant bit of acting. It even had me fooled for five seconds. But that edit was no reflection of it whatsoever. Big Brother DO want Rylan to win.
RYAN out now, please. Heidi should get someone to straighten that back bit of her hair.
OMG Razor in 5th! How did more people vote for Toadfish than him? I like the sign that says 'Milton Keynes' on tour. MK Ultra!
LOL look at Razor's girlfriend! She looks like a natural beauty. I wanted Razor to come third. Security! Security! Razor on Spontag: 'to be fair they're a bunch of fucking idiots.' I thought they were going to be BFFs for life?
They cut Razor's balls off after the puffa fish incident. We could have probably got more out of him. I wonder how Jim Davidson would have dealt with Speidi? We'll never know! At least we don't have to look at Razor's ballbags anymore. That lovely girlfriend can instead. Sorry, 'beautiful fiancee.'
OMG how did TOADFISH beat Claire? Neighbours must have more viewers than we thought. Or maybe his reverse psychology speech paid off. Toadfish looks stunned. Rylan's sob face, lol. Even Speidi broke out the chilly hugs where they stand a mile away from you and scrub themselves with antibacterial gel afterwards.
We're pontificating that Spencer always wears long sleeves because he's a self-harmer.
Oh, I get what's happening, people are voting for Ryan by accident when trying to vote for Rylan. It's the only explanation. I hope he doesn't win it on that basis.
I like Claire's red lipstick. Claire; you don't have a personality or a talent.
Is there any point Spontag having children... Claire really don't know. God, not the letters task again. I still don't get the fuss about the clapping. And I still want to know what was in Spontag's letter. Claire, shoulda woulda coulda. Whatever. You did NOTHING.
Even Claire don't want to commit to a duet with Rylan. Probably because he sings better than her.
Claire's getting the 'wub wubs' in her highlights. She don't deserve those.
Did Claire do better than H? I think she did. Wasn't he like sixth or something?
Have you ever seen three finalists sit so far apart? I've never seen such a lack a solidarity between the finalists. Shame, really.
My boyfriend said if Spiedi win it will be like when Rage Against the Machine beat Joe McElderry to number one, haha. True dat.
Rylan must be shitting himself that he's going to lose to those two. So am I, I really need that money. I WOULD like to see Rylan's face if Spontag won. And to hear all the booing.
Ryan's interview is going to be the zzzz. Brian's got his brolly up!
Look how far apart Rylan and Speidi are sitting! It's like my old counselling sessions where she sat so far apart from me I stopped going because it freaked me out. Rylan looks heartbroken, bless him! He wanted to be in the final two with Claire from Steps. Heidi, let Spencer speak, you idiot, he's the brains, you're the... er, something.
I don't believe Ryan really came third. It's C5 skullduggery. FIX, lol. Toadie's backing Rylan! He really hates Speidi, doesn't he?
What's this billionaire friends thing? Are Spontag's billionaire friends based in the UK? I thought they didn't have any friends? This is like Natalie Cassidy thinking her fans forgot to vote.
Toadie: RESPECT THE VOWS! Changed his tune, didn't he. PS: stop exercising, you're freaking Claire out. Can't believe they didn't show him saying 'respect the vows' in his highlights. That was hilarious.
HE DID IT! Rylan needs a pillow to cry into. He needs a Scherzinger to wipe his face on. Thank God. Good beat evil. My boyfriend put his finger on it when he said they even ruined his final moment because he had no one to cling to.
Drop Speidi out! Yay! That picture of them is creepy. I hope Speidi lets Spencer speak during this interview. How is Brian going to deal with this pair?! What was the music they played when they left? Spencer on the chants: 'It's not loud enough.' LOL to the sign saying 'run for The Hills.'
Heidi didn't answer that question as to whether they were playing the game. 'Two of the most disgusting housemates ever.' Spencer on being called 'the gruesome twosome.' 'The author of the headlines are brilliant...' haha.
Are the ex-housemates rabble-rousing! Fencesitter unite! About time. Heidi's clapping was taken out of context, ha.
Haha, to Spencer saying 'we knew it was a secret mission the second they said we won a viewer's vote.' Hehe! He's always clicking on the polls. Love it. Spencer unrepentant: 'you try living with them.'
Why can't we see Rylan up close in the background? That's one of my favourite things when the runner up is on. Look at all the other housemates gurning! Fuck you, you provided ZERO entertainment.
Didn't Michael Madsen come second?
WUB WUB! 'Shut up, Toadman!' Show him CRYING at the end! Show them jerking off! Can't believe they didn't show the JERK OFF in the highlights. Worried about the lawyers, methinks.
Aw, nice to see Rylan win in his wispy top and his leather trahsis. I never doubted him. Why aren't they playing Gangnam Style (legal issues).
Dowling, watch your back. Rylan could steal your camp crown! I love Rylan all emoshe. And Brian kissing him on the lips, how cute.
Rylan's paid me back the money I spent on him on X Factor AND Big Brother - yay.
Brian in the house memories! I don't remember Heidi and Spencer saying they were delighted Rylan had won. I don't see Heidi and Spencer standing in the rain with the other housemates. They're probably consulting with their lawyers.
Heidi: 'X Factor reject.' Haha, I never caught her saying that before.
Spencer and Heidi are standing out in the rain! With their umbrellas! I like the way 'made for each other' is both an insult and a compliment.
I LOVED one word to describe Heidi and Spencer: 'headache.' That's Rylan at his best.
LOL to 'Claire Richards: Slave to Food' and 'I get to meet H as well.' Don't count on it.
Things I love about Rylan: how he says 'row', 'house'. He also looked embarrassed about what he said about Heidi and cock. Oh stop moaning about getting stick, Rylan, you got loads of support!
It would have been better if Rylan had got the call from Barlow or Scherzinger! Rylan's mum is 'PRAAD of him'. And do you know what, so am I. 
(PS: where's the fireworks?! It's all gone a bit Crystal Maze with the golden tickets.)
We're gonna do a podcast now. And I'm VERY drunk. Thanks for reading - have a good night.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Pebble-dashed

So in the interests of 'research' I decided to do a quick Hills binge before I have to cancel my Netflix this week. I skipped most of the stuff with Lauren; I don't like her at all, and I can't STAND that Whitney and her weird owl face. I don't like scripted reality shows full stop, if I want to watch bad acting, I'll watch Doctors. Basically, I was only interested in what the deal was with Heidi and Spencer, and now I'm up to season 3, episode 3, it has become abundantly clear. She was totally and utterly brainwashed by him. He cut her off from her friends in classic style, making her think it was her decision, forcing her to move in with him, and then proposing within a year. All massive red flags. She looked sad from day one. And you may say their 'relationship' is more 'equal' now - and maybe it is - but this Heidi is a product of what he did to her, fabricated reality or not. It was sad to watch someone being abused like that. And I'm sure it gets a million times worse. But there you go. I solved that mystery so you didn't have to. You can thank me later.
It's funny looking at how they look physically now after watching all that; I must admit, there was a distinct lack of teacher fleeces on The Hills and Spencer was dressed quite smart. Maybe he gave up on fashion when he got into the New World Order. Or he just got his Stepford wife so he didn't have to bother anymore.
I liked Rylan reliving the highlights of his year; you do never know what's round the corner, and sometimes it's something awful, not just appearances on Daybreak.
We spotted him pop up on Gordon Ramsay this year. He over-egged it with 'if someone was to make a film of my life, what a watch.' You can't say things like that about yourself. Well, you can, but it sounds boastful and hurts your (and my) chances of winning.
Heidi's hair looks straggly and yellow. It's weird seeing them all tanned and young and now they're all deformed and rotten. How you behave does affect your looks - sometimes.
Oh God, Rylan, STFU. 'It's nice being in here with the celebs and not having to mix with the plebs.' (not a direct quote, but the gist) My heart bleeds!
Are Big Brother trying to stitch Rylan up tonight? How come they're suddenly showing him singing all the time? I want to hear Heidi's album! And I heard Spencer has a rap album about info wars. That's entertainment.
Jamie East is in the house! Oooh. Are THESE questions real? Is anything real? Jamie looks weird without his beard. I can see Rylan's ginger roots! Who teamed Rylan and Claire with Spontag?
Toadfish is such a martyr, I can't BEAR IT. Saying Claire's like a lumpy potato is a bit harsh. Even I wouldn't say that.
Spencer does look like an axe-murderer. Heidi looks none too impressed.
Razor is a dirty warthog. Except one with it's balls cut off. I think we could have seen more of that quiz and it could have been harsher.
Spencer to his wife: 'we need to get you on a celebrity stripper show.' WTF! She didn't even respond.
I hate it when people go 'it's me, it's me' when they're waiting for the eviction results. It never is the person who says that.
Ha to Razor laughing that Frankie got evicted before him. That was funny. It was cute when Frankie said, 'I'll see you at the races.' Frankie told great stories? We never heard any! Did you see him on BOTS last night, you couldn't shut the fucker up. Maybe his man was there to meet him.
Toadie doing what he does best; toadying up. 'Well done for getting to the final' to Spontag. I'd be like, get to fuck.
Razor, you patronising prick. Heidi's been called a stripper and thick tonight.
Rylan must realise that people are voting for Spontag for the entertainmentz. We don't have to trust them. We don't even have to like them.
Razor's happy he got some cheers. I like him better than I did before he was on this show, that's for sure, so he's achieved his objective with me, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled about.
Spencer: 'we're moving to England.' Er... do you have to?
Wasn't being on X Factor more fun than being tormented by Speidi, Rylan? And what's with these sexist adverts?
Rylan and Rylan are getting their letters from home now. Shame Razor can't read a letter. Did a small child write 'fucking hell'? Ryan's kid can tell the time? I couldn't tell the time until I was 9. I just pretended I could before that. Heidi was cracking over the letter a bit, even though it underhandedly slated her. Icy pops!
I love Rylan getting all emotional. Even Heidi's properly crying now. Spencer probably programmed her settings wrong this morning. She's cracked. Notice when she got emotional Spencer didn't even notice, and Claire went to comfort her. That was the real Heidi, wasn't it? The Heidi who'll never be a mother; unless Spencer falls off a cliff.
Rylan is pillaging the Big Brother house! I don't blame him, I would, too. Big Brother is mean making him give them back.
Heidi 'styles' Spencer? Must try harder. She should try Rylan style instead.
I have a bad feeling in my heart tonight, and I'm not sure if it's my Hills binge, or the fact I might lose £50, or that I'm watching this alone, or it's nearly over, but I really hate seeing all the nasty comments towards Rylan. People saying he's a bully, or he swears too much, or he's 'too camp' (and we know what that really means). Whatever you think of him, he's harmless. You might find him contrived, or fake. I don't think he is. I think he's just a nice guy. And I don't want those cunts to snatch it from him. Not for me. But for him. And for ENGLAND!!! For Queen and country, give it to our boy from Essex.
See you at the finish line.