Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Rant: The London Paper- Make-up on the tube (shock horror!)

Firstly, I hate the columns in the London Paper. You are not a writer because you think you’ve made some genius point about something stupid that no one outside London cares about anyway. You can’t write. You’re not funny. You're a stereotype. But you have ENRAGED me, thus, I will reply here, on my own terms, in my fantabulous blog.
Yesterday one of the readers wrote a lazy column about the so-awful-it-must-be-stopped-before-someone-dies INJUSTICE of people putting make up on on the tube. Except of course it’s not ‘people’ who do that, it’s women. A woman hating on other women! Well I never, what a shock. Women deal in misogyny so beautifully these days that we hardly need men to do it for us.
Apart from the fact the column is badly-written (that’s a given), I do not understand the complaint. I literally cannot understand it whatsoever. Talk of ‘modesty’ is a cloak for oppression as far as I’m concerned. This dimwit compares putting on make up to ‘cleaning your teeth’ on the tube. I’d like to see you try it, darling. (Ooh I came over all Littlejohn then, pet!) ‘Bulging make up bags!’ Whatever next? Bulging rucksacks full of bombs would be preferably, presumably. Also, ‘like wildfire’ is the laziest description ever. Don't even ATTEMPT to write if this is the kind of crap you are going to churn out.
If anything, I actually think I should be COMMENDED for putting my make up on on the tube. I’d like to see you do liquid eyeliner in the exact five seconds the train becomes stationary. In fact, I think it’s sexy when I see women putting make up on on the tube. I think they look cool, and it’s fascinating to see people’s routines. If you’re being ‘subjected to it’; try looking at something else. Read a book, you idiot. You don’t need to worry about me poking my eye out; I do this every morning, just to annoy clucking bores like you.
Things I don’t like to look at on the tube; other people’s armpits, babies, people kissing, people picking their nose, people eating KFC, JKFC and PFC, sanctimonious people tutting at someone putting a bit of lipstick on, people reading their papers on someone else’s back, people turning up their shit RnB music on their crappy mp3 players. Do you hear me complaining? Yes you do, but only because you have driven me to it!
I don’t WANT to get up early to put make up on. I want to stay in bed for five minutes longer. What kind of sadist wants to get out of bed in the mornings? I hate waiting at platforms, so if I can do my mascara whilst you stand there like a numpty fretting about how you’re going to squeeze into the next carriage, who wins? I got up late, and I’m filling in time, not getting stressed. I'm also small enough to fit into that tiny gap in front of you. Sweet.
As for the point that we are ‘ruining the illusion’, oh dear; are you the type of person who won’t let your boyfriend see you without make up on? Feminism lives! Sex with the lights off, is it?It’s not an illusion in my case, I don’t wipe my make up off at night and turn into a gargoyle, I don’t trowel it on to hide something. It’s merely a quick, painless enhancement.
‘White wine spritzers’- somebody shoot me. Also that last paragraph makes no sense either. Who are you, Bridget Jones?
I admit this is a particular hot topic of mine at the moment; I recently had a row on a messageboard about it (yeah, I don’t get out much, because people like the person who wrote this column are everywhere)! Morrissey, on one of his many underrated b-sides, sang ‘If you don’t like me, don’t look at me. There must be somebody else who can take your gaze away.’ And I couldn’t agree more. Look at some braindead bloke instead. You'll still be getting off alone because you're uptight and annoying.


Ossian said...

So you didn't really like it, eh? Brilliant rant. I think voyeurs probably think it's Christmas when they see women putting on lipstick and eyeliner in front of them. Not that I would know.

Chris Stokes said...

A beautifully put together rant, pet. Having never read the publication, I started off at a loss, but your eloquent description has given me a perfectly good picture. Plus, it's nice to see Littlejohn, at whatever opportunity, get scorn poured on him from good people in the blogging world.

lightupvirginmary said...

Thanks chris; I know you've also been doing your duty in that department! :-)
Ossian: I agree makeup on the tube sounds like a voyeur's dream in principle, but actually, the woman is exposing nothing. I don't see how it's even different to playing a computer game in the tube, or doing a crossword.
I wonder if that woman who wrote the article has ever brushed her hair on the tube; harlot! ;-)

Ossian said...

It's something that is so utterly feminine. One thing that always looks weird to me is these pathetic "new men" taking lip balm out of their "man bags" and putting it on like lipstick. I just think they are, in effect, just the ugliest women on Earth.

lightupvirginmary said...

you think lipbalm is bad, what about guyliner??? Masculinity is dead. Shame; I like a hairy man.

Ossian said...

Fair enough if they're like Jaye Davidson, but most of them are just muscle-bound warthogs. And as Obama reminded us, a male chauvinist pig with lipstick on is still a pig.

Ossian said...

What would you think about blokes who would shave with electric shavers, have you seen that on the tube? I occasionaly would shave while waiting for the lights to change when I was late driving to work. That is the crime of shaving without due care and attention, of course*.

* It's funnier with lather. Mr Bean style.

What is irksome is people who yawn with gaping gobs, like filter-feeding whales, and do it repeatedly in my peripheral vision.

lightupvirginmary said...

I've never seen someone do that on the tube but if I did I'd think they were brave and admire their laziness.

Kellie said...

Pity me, I am greasy. I get up early in the morning and put my makeup on. But see how good you look after doing 3 meetings carrying two heavy kit bags and sweating my arse off on the tube all morning. I refuse to go to a meeting looking like Jenna Jameson after a 10 man gang-bang. So I use blotting papers (kneel and worship the modern makeup technology) and wet wipes. I am amazed at the intolerance on the tube, we all have to suffer it, and if someone complains about my "lack of modesty" I might smack them in the gob, after all this is London and I havent got the patience to tolerate their intolerance.

* (asterisk) said...

I don't mind it. Back in the day, I used to do my make-up on the train (fact). And it is way preferable to all that other gross stuff you listed.