Goodbye, Big Bro

'I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go' as Morrissey once sang, and today, I know the feeling.
I haven't blogged in while but it felt only fitting to use a dying format to say goodbye to a friend of 18 years, Big Brother. I do think BBUK will continue, like Glenn from The Walking Dead coming out from the dumpster 'in one form or another', and it definitely still exists in one form or another internationally, and for that, I'm grateful.
Big Brother has meant so much to me over the years, from making friends, forming relationships, blogging, podcasting, arguing online, arguing in real life, arguing because we care, we fucking care about this thing that yes, IS still on, except now... it isn't.
The ironic part is that it feels like things are just kicking off for our BB on Blast podcast in the past year or so, getting to go to the house, getting invited to talk to the producers, becoming mates with Arisa, host of BB Canada, and it can't all be for nothing, can it? Can it?
Big Brother on C5 is often slated, but thinking back over the moments we've had over the past few years, there's been a lot of really, really good ones. I'll leave it for the other fansites to take you on that trip down memory lane, but from Danny Wisker and his canoe to Kim Woodburn's 'adulterer!' madness, it's been a wild ride, both 'civillian' and celeb. I still don't really understand why C5 is killing the top rated show it has, but they have made a lot of bad decisions recently (removing Lewis, for example). I won't be tuning into whatever brain rot they put on instead. BB is life, C5 is not.
Will it go to Netflix? I feel like there's been a hell of a lot of hints. And I don't even mind it having 'a rest' for six months. But come on. We need UK Big Brother. The audience is there, and on Netflix, the international audience is there also. We could have live feed again! I know, I'm a dreamer. 
Last night was such a (!) blast. We were invited to the house, met in the pub beforehand, and were sent more free drinks from a mystery benefactor than I should have drunk. Trevor Boris, aka Marsha the Moose, came by to say hi! He didn't have to. Paul Osborne got Lewis and Mollie, hardcore BB fans onto the guest list with us, he didn't have to.
We passed Brooke and Tomasz and got smuggled into the camera runs, and saw the four housemates sat on mental chairs up the corner. It didn't feel real. We went in the task room and Gaz stuck his hand in a mystery box full of goo and probably still hasn't washed it. We were given a Big Coin each; what a treat! We didn't expect these things. We were lucky.
Jarrod and Matt held up signs. I held Garry's hand as votes were announced, and Gaz held mine, too. Mollie, Lewis, Gaz and I sipped on contraband vodka from my hipflask (wannabe edgy). Alfie was there, Chris, Jonnie... all friends I didn't have but now have, thanks to Big Brother. We sang to All These Things That I've Done which played over the highlights, my favourite Killers song, and one I'd just put on my Desert Island Discs for work the week before. How did you know, Big Brother? How did you know? It was magic.
The old housemates were all there, right by us, all except Ellis, Isaac (what did he have to do that was better?!) and you know who: the real winner, Lewis.
Emma cried. Half the grown men I was with cried. My eyes were watering all the way home, but I think I was just drunk! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  
We watched and I booed Cameron and called him a misogynist, but I didn't really care anymore. It was all love and light on the night, probably because I was so hammered. It was about more than who won last night. It was about a story ending.
OK: so now I'm going to watch the episode as it's such a blur when you're there. It was a peculiar final, too short, the wrong finalists (debatably) and little fanfare or nostalgia, really. If I hadn't been there, I'm not sure how it would have felt to watch on TV alone. Looking at Twitter, the overall feeling was rushed, but I've sat through finals that have been too long, too.
OK, so there were some token throwback highlights at the start, including C4 stuff. We were screaming for Kinga! I note the prick in tinfoil also got shown, and even Aaron Allard Morgan!
First up, let me clarify, I have never 'whoop whoop'ed in my life and never will. I feel like that's important to state.
It's mad to think Big Brother started in the year 2000, when I was 20! I remember it like it was yesterday, specifically the Nasty Nick times. We had a Nasty Nick shrine, FFS. It's no wonder I've never grown up, maybe I've just been stuck being 20 since then. It would explain a lot.
Emma IMO did not look that emotional, but I'm not keen on her anyway. I thought her velveteen robe dress made her look a bit Cruella De Ville too. See how she said, 'Quite possibly the last champion'. They have been saying shit like this the whole way.
OMG I totally heard Lewis (my friend Lewis, not Lewis F) shout 'Netflix' as to what the future holds for Big Brother, ha and Emma giggled.
Emma saying 'time is most definitely not on our side' = C5 shade. The eviction outfits aren't great, I must say. We've seen them all before. Zoe looked the best, Akeem just looked like he had his work shirt on. I was surprised they had to do a two by two eviction on the final night but it was the right two to go first. Cian was fourth and Zoe was third. She seemed very happy to be going with Cian. When you're there, you can't hear a word they say in their interviews, so I was interested to see this.
Ugh I hate Emma's hair so much (might as well say it for the last time). Blonde does not suit her and nor does the Donald Trump bouffant. She used to have the coolest short hair when it was dark and slick. FAIL.
Wow, there was 1% between Zoe and Cian! Not surprising, they are replacement level housemates. He is bit fake and a bit of a buttkiss, whereas she's real, but a misery guts.
Not much of interest in their interview, Cian was a bad friend, Zoe has periods.
Was interesting when Emma told them it was the last ever series and Zoe went 'flipping heck.' That made me sad.
Ooh the housemates going in to The Killers. How GOOD does Lewis look giving that peace sign, DAMN. Btw, shout out to Sian's red hair, it looked fabulous. Nice to see all these clips of Lewis. Criminal he wasn't there because of a joke (admittedly a really bad taste joke). Still gutted we were denied his best bits and interview. I paid good money to keep him in this house. Mind you, this highlights package is pretty Lewis heavy. At this point in the crowd we were SCREAMING 'I've got soul but I'm not a soldier!' (Ooh, I just found a good fanmade Lewis best bits on YouTube)
That was actually a really good clips package of the entire series Big Brother did there.
Why they gave Lewis G the airtime to promote his single, I don't know, but I enjoyed chanting 'off' and 'who are ya.' Disgusting to see Hussain there and not have Lewis there. Yuck. The only clothing line Hussain will be bringing out is in his mum's back garden (sorry if someone already did that joke on Twitter, I haven't looked that far down yet!)
Cameron was shaking like a shitting dog waiting for that announcement. Well done mate, great gameplan. Now fix up your YouTube if you've learnt anything in the house. Hopefully it's that equality isn't being allowed to punch women in the face and coming out (one of the times) by calling yourself 'bent' isn't a great look. 
I voted for Akeem to win, but I wasn't bothered about him coming second. He was a nice guy but he's no Lewis. His best bit was probably when his dog went in. Doing the two thumbs up for the photographers too, dearie me. That is so Akeem.
Lol at Emma saying Akeem gave it 110%. Emma: 'You have been phenomenal' to Akeem and him going 'I have.' Ha! Bold.
Ah, Akeem seems quite emotional in his interview! Emma telling him his parents are on holiday, ha.
Akeem: 'I do a lot of training and delivery for my job.' No shit!
The most exciting thing about Cameron winning was seeing Tony Dadley walk right by me in the audience. I booed and tried to get me giving him the thumbs down on camera but I'm too short! Haha.
Tony Dadley going, 'Do you know what you've done?' If the answer is, 'Played the idiot general public?' The answer, I'm pretty sure is, yes.
Cameron: 'I thought I was going to be irritating, annoying, I moan a lot..' Weeellll. Emma right up his arse. Well, we know she's a misogynist too (just ask Hazel). It's just 'his storm'. Like going 'Kill all Jews' was just Lewis's storm another year. Funny how it works, isn't it.
Don't get me wrong, I actually think Cameron was a good housemate, and an interesting and entertaining one. The only downside is his previous behaviour, blatant gameplaying (coming out three times, please) and fake storylining (seeing a ghost, for example). But he was good to watch and bitch about. There, I said it. I hope he has learnt something, I really do and I hope he doesn't spend 100 grand on Brexit stickers and Trump colouring books.
I'm glad Emma actually ackknowledged Lewis's existence in Cameron's interview and the importance of their friendship.
Emma going 'You have won Big Brother not Lewis'. Yet he would have had he been there.
Cameron had only come out to five people before (and Twitter). This crap that he never planned to come out in the house is one of the most bullshit things I've ever heard. Don't insult my intelligence.
Emma telling Cameron he won the last Big Brother. He genuinely looked upset. Yes, genuine emotion at last !
Was amazed Emma mentioned Davina and Brian at the end. Brian! First bit of respect he's been shown in a while.
Oh Emma did actually look upset at the end there. When she said 'it's time for this house to find a new home' you can hear Gaz scream, haha. Apparently they're demolishing it this week. Rubbish.
I feel they could have done more with the end. The voices bit is a good call back but could have gone on for a few more minutes.
'Big Brother will get back to you' - well, you'd better. I had to cuddle several weeping grown men at that point, you don't know what you've done, Big Brother!
I just watched a BBBOTS too and Emma and Rylan's emotions seemed very real. I actually blubbed. They are right that it seemed like the most Big Brother series for ages. The production values were on point, and the tasks were fantastic.
I think you'll find BBBOTS was Russell Brand's baby though, let's be real. Big Mouth was so fucking good.
Cameron in his BBBOTS interview on coming out: 'I couldn't have written it any better.' That's because you did write it, duh.
Wow to Rylan saying 'Me, Marcus and Emma will make sure Big Brother will get back to you.' Strong words! Yet why all the tears then? It's hell to hope. 
So will I do with my evenings now? Wait for CBBUS? Watch old BBUKs (must be time to do a new 'Blast from the past' episode... even if it is BBUK4, eek)? Have a social life?
To all my BB fam, I know we'll stay talking. I've genuinely made some of the best friends I have from people I've met, to people I haven't, who live an ocean away. It's the way we met and our common connection, but we will be friends regardless. We've been lucky to have the show for 18 years, nearly half my life. We'll be lucky if it comes back. And if it doesn't? We've got each other.

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PS: Keep listening to BB on Blast! We'll cover US and Canada. Send in any bbuk finale feedback to bbonblastpod@gmail.com before Friday. Love you!

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Launch and backstage goss!

Sorry there was no launch night blog or podcast, but we invited at the house yesterday so was a bit hard to blog from the crowd and we were too tired to podcast on the way home. So this blog will cover a bit of pre-show info, as well as my thoughts on the housemates.
Once again, we were so lucky to be invited to the house with our fellow superfans. As usual I had actively avoided seeing house pics or housemate rumours so it was all a surprise to me on the day.
This meant actually going into the house was quite disorientating as we weren't allowed into the living room or garden this time and the layout had changed quite a bit.
The house looked divine though, very me, with lots of ornaments and chintzy rugs, plastic chandeliers etc (that's basically my house). The only other major change was the enclosed staircase. We didn't get to see the diary room this time, but when I saw the chair, I was pleased with it.
We had a great time poking through the cupboards and taking loads of photos. There's a house tour video filmed by my podcast co-host Gaz here where he explores every nook and cranny as well as tons of photos from the house I took here and here.
Rylan was lovely as usual, taking group photos for us and posing for selfies (and also added us on Twitter, cheers!) They treat us very well when we're there - although where was the Prosecco this time? *insert Kim Woodburn waving a bottle here*.
In the bar waiting to go in the launch, we got interviews with Chelsea Singh (I know, right) and Staci Francis (Gaz's doing) which will be on the next BB on Blast podcast (coming on Sunday!) And don't worry, we'll still be podding BBUS, too (I know all two of you were worried there).
When we finally got in the audience we were in our usual spot, and only the superfans were allowed to tweet, not even the friends and fam (exciting). We were told jokingly this was because Twitter would dry up without us, haha.
The set looked great outside, too, I loved all the neon and the cars driving the housemates in was decent, it just meant there was less room for the crowd. But it was a nice old skool touch. Seeing the same car reversing out of a very tight space for each housemate was quite funny, too.
I will comment on my experience just from watching live, and then I will watch the show and comment on the housemates. My live observations were that Emma's hair looked more bonkers than ever and the drone is really fucking noisy and irritating.
The friends and family interviews before we even had a chance to meet the housemates properly was unforgivable. The amount of time we saw housemates meet and greet each other was the shortest I've ever seen. I mean, that's a massive part of the joy isn't it, seeing these different characters come together and interact? Friends and families belong on BBBOTS. I do wonder whose idea this was and why it happened. It's missteps like this that make me think 'huh?' After being invited to the Q&A with the producers last week, who were extremely clued up and experienced about the show, it's quite baffling.
OK, I'm going to watch the show now and see what I missed in the throng of the crowd! I heard there's a new theme tune! I'm nervous!
Watching the intro package reminds me I had to stop Gaz from 'ooh oohing'. The title sequence and the set looks great on TV too, all the neon is very visual.
It's funny in the script they still have all the references to fake news, the president etc which were obviously related to Stormy Daniels who never showed up. God bless 'em, they tried to cover it a bit but... not really.
The house looks soooo much bigger on TV. The kitchen looked huge with Emma in it but it's quite poky in there. Weird the kitchen backs onto the bedroom, will no doubt cause some rows. Only one bedroom, too. It's funny seeing Emma pointing out things Gaz already pointed out on our house tour, haha. First!
Emma: 'You've all seen the pictures.' I hadn't! (Bad superfan).
Imagine if they had that lattice wall on BBUS! The whispering would have to turn up a knotch. Ooh, I like that mirror with the monkeys on. I love the colours in the garden and the living room, too. Blue and yellow reminds me of the splish splash room in BBUS, haha. Couch looks nice.
The superfans were a bit torn on Emma popping up on the screen to evict people, but I don't care about that. We're used to it with Chenbot! The pool looks bigger than normal, at least you can do (short) laps.
Emma's house tour seems long as fuck both IRL and on TV.
I love the diary room corridor! So kitsch. I think this might be the most 'me' house ever. I would love to have sat in that DR chair! Looks so good.
OK, onto the housemates. First up, Kirstie Alley. She used to be in Cheers. I barely remember that, but I remember her as an actress when she was younger. I hope her storyline goes beyond her weight. I think she should be quite a fiery character and she's a big booking. Shes not Stormy, but Big Brother will try and squeeze her into that role of 'don't fuck with me older lady' anyway, haha. Let's hope she's more Kim Woodburn than Ann Widdecombe. Oh who am I kidding, Ann was a great character, too.
I liked Kirstie's pink shoes and purple coat. Definite Ursula from the Little Mermaid vibes. That's some big old hair she's got there. Nearly as big as Emma's.
I'm not really a fan of the more jazz piano incidental music, to be honest, even though Gaz was digging it on the night. I don't like change!
I do like the dynamic of them going down the corridor in complete silence and you can hear their thoughts there, too. Kirstie likes the house '1930s Hollywood, exquisite...'
Then the stupid twist commenced (more of a waste of time on launch night when I want to get to know the housemates). So Kirstie because the BB President (isn't that someone on Twitter?) She's hoping she doesn't get assassinated.
Hold on, the public had to vote based on Kirstie asking questions of the other housemates? I don't remember one question she asked! They showed fuck all from inside the house! Not much of a twist, as a new housemate will ask questions of other housemates anyway.
Next in was Ryan Thomas aka Jason from Corrie. I always liked him in Corrie and I think he's probably a decent bloke. I could see him winning it. I do wish he'd sort his hair out though, it's gone a bit David Platt. Just let it go, Jason. Sorry, I won't call him Jason as it's confusing. His on-screen brother Todd (Bruno Langley) would be a better booking after he got sacked for groping women. I'd love to witness that mess of a redemption story.
Ooh, in car footage! Cool.
That was very smooth of him to say 'Look who's talking now' to Kirstie. He's done his research ala Perez.
Next in is footballer Jermaine Pennant, a footballer and bad boy (aren't they the same thing?) He was charged with drink driving while banned from driving and went to prison for three months, then wore a tag on the pitch. He later crashed his car drink driving. Um, mate, stop drink driving! He'd never do it again. Of course he won't, not until the next time (bit of Morrissey for you there).
Ah he got a couple of boos and now he is shook, lol. I booed him and the people in front of me looked upset but they weren’t with him. Drink driving is gross. Kill yourself by all means, but don't put others at risk. Also: no socks on. Wrong 'un.
Had a strong Sezer-esque intro statement: 'Let the games begin.' Bhahahaha!
Next in is Chloe Ayling, someone I predicted would go in the house about a month ago when I heard the theme was notorious people. She looked like Lauren Harries in silhouette. She basically got kidnapped and they tried to sell her on the dark web but no one believed her, they just thought she was a glamour girl and magazine dealer. To be honest, I saw her being interviewed and she didn't seem very plausible. But I think she's just one of these people that comes across a bit impassive, even when describing her own kidnapping ordeal. I like her, I think she's good casting. She seems sweet and a good fit for BB. Are people really moaning she's not a real celeb? Get in the sea. I like the 'scandal' type people.
Chloe has a new twist on the boob laces, as pointed out by Gaz: the thigh lace. Sophisticated. Ooh they go up the side, too.
Emma is doing the voiceover on these VTs like she's Trevor McDonald.
I liked when she said she was 'looking forward to the tasks' - she must have heard Trevor Boris was coming. We've got a gamer on our hands here! Hold on, she's never seen an episode of Big Brother before?! Lies.
Jermaine looked her up and down when she came in like a right lech.
OMG next in was the Human Ken Doll! Rodrigo! And they played Flawless (absolutely flawless!) Many lols. He's my winner pick. He will be great TV. He is amazing to even look at. He doesn't even need to speak. How old is he?! He had four ribs removed so he looks better when wearing a blazer, ha (and he carries them round in a jar?!). He is a 'real person with emotions'. They just don't show on his face. If I'd put a bet on last night, I would have put an ill placed bet on him, just like I did with India. Omg look at his baby pink suit! Look at his frilly shirt!  Look at his white hair! He said 'what a beautiful crowd' haha. Cheers mate. I like the fact he was boasting they'd been trying to get him on for years. I wonder what he looks like first thing in the morning. He likes to have his dinner at exactly 8.30. Maybe he likes to play HQ at 9. Going down the corridor he said 'what a crowd' (thanks again) and 'I need a drink'. I did too!
Why so little footage on the housemates meeting and greeting each other? Did they run out of time? Did the house tour run too long? I don't get it. I know we'll see it tonight, but it's not the same.
Next in is Dan Osborne from TOWIE (I thought he was from Hollyoaks) who left a voicemail for his ex (who he left when she was pregnant for Lauren from Eastenders) threatening to put her in hospital if she got a new boyfriend. I listened to it and it's terrifying. And I'm told not to boo? It's my legal right to boo this motherfucker. Then the plot thickens as he and Ryan have both dated the same person, this Gabby from Love Island (coming up next).
Dan: 'Most people say things when they're angry.' Er, not that they don't. Just his smug face is already bugging me. He is an absolute cunt. He'll probably win. A vote for him is a vote for domestic violence as far as I'm concerned. Threats to kill a woman? No redemption story for him, thanks. Not on my watch.
Ryan and Dan will be friends. In fact I could see all these guys in so far being bros.
Next is Gabby Allen from Love Island. Do we have to put up with this Love Island detritus? Stay on your own show! We don't want you. She's whining about being cheated on. Well done, you're a human being. We've all been there. You're not relatable. Go away. Mind you, if that's the extent of the UK reality TV jetsam I can deal.
OMG her suit as well. Disgusting. She looked like a pearly queen. Emma immediately slut shaming 'that is a very pretty bra'. Stop. Gabby is a huge 'health and fitness fan'. Yuck. She looks like a knob, I can see why she was attracted to Dan.
Jermaine also eyeing her up like a piece of meat. Urgh, footballers.
I had to take my headphones out for the friends and family bit, I can't watch that again. Who cares what the Poundland Andrew Brady thinks!? It actually makes me angry that we're denied first night footage (essentially live feed) for this sub-BOTS bollocks. And I had several voicemails saying the same!
Emma looks like she's just going through the motions to me. I really wish Rylan was the main presenter. I want his BOTS enthusiasm and kindness to housemates on the main show.
Then Emma tells us Kirstie is interviewing everyone in there... but doesn't show us it. Great.
Next in is Hardeep Singh Kohli. I don't know who he is but sounds like he felt someone up. Let me investigate for one second. Oh, apparently he sexually harrassed a researcher. That's nice. Me too plus power dynamics. But he's a comedian! What if he's funny? We could have a new Jim Davidson on our hands, people. SIGH. 'It was a challenging time'. For her even more so, I'm sure.
He’s interested in people. Too interested, apparently. he says, 'The BB house is a commune' and 'It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never gone in the CBB house.' Good soundbites, it's a shame he's a creep (at the very least). Also wearing a kilt. Cultural appropriation? Oh no, he's Scottish, haha.
I like the fact he bored himself talking to Emma and then went 'blah, blah, blah.' Indeed.
As he went in someone asked him 'what’s your name?' And he said, ‘Whatever you want it to be.’ He's been practising that one, along with 'Hardeep is your love.' Apparently 'it's an honour' to meet drink driving footballer Jermaine. Isn't it great how all your sins get written off if you can kick a ball? Must be nice.
And if you thought he was trouble, you haven't met this full time DICKWAD from Married at First Sight yet. Ben Jardine. For my sins, I sat through the entire programme, and he never wanted to be married. I felt really sorry for her as she had feeling for him and he cheated on her AFTER A WEEK. He is the biggest magazine dealer on the planet and talks like a high pitched Danny Dyer without the wit. Yes, imagine that. Even his face is annoying.
He said his former 'wife' ‘kiss and telled on me’. So he's a moron, as well as a twat. I did enjoy, 'I’m not a love rat, I’m a love mouse’ though. His 'scared of living with 12 strangers instead of one’ line was good, what cue card did he read that off? I do like his shirt though. He feels 'judged' by Emma. It's OK, you're a man, you'll be alright. Ben 'Let's Carpe Diem this shit.' God, I hate him. Argh, his voice!
The show was kind of downhill from here (except for Natalie), with Roxanne from Emmerdale (me neither) who is a potential fencesitter, so I'm told. Apparently she had an argument with Jason Gardiner on This Morning cos he called her bland. That's not a good sign. I guess it's a good sign she argued against it.
She was in a car crash (so what?) and is engaged (zzz). I like her fringe. When she 'unravels' it's like 'Disney gone wrong.' Did some odd high kicks as she went in.
She appeared to have some dust/ cocaine on her boobs going down the stairs which she then licked off. That was quite amusing. Does she think there's no camera in that bit? She doesn't drink. I'm always suspicious of that, ha.
After that we got 'psychic' Sally (come back Derek Acorah) from whom we can expect ‘honesty fun and ghosts’. I like the fact she took her heels off to go down stairs. I liked her weight loss joke about being a medium. You ARE a liar, though. She says someone's about to walk! Let's see if that's true.
Now we have who should have gone in last, Natalie Munn. I didn't know the name, but I recognised her from marriage boot camp. We were stood behind her friends who made us vote for her for vice president. I wanted to vote for human Ken doll (HKD).
Natalie is a self proclaimed queen, who said 'If u don’t like it turn the channel' I like her crown and feathers. She's like a more messy Ika - and if we can get Natalie, why not Ika or Omarosa? Good TV is good TV, who cares how famous they are? She enjoys a Twitter beef and told Paris Hilton to 'eat her pussy.' She takes a shower and brushes her teeth in the morning, so that's good to know. 
Emma goes to her, ‘You know in Britain were more reserved.’ This is why I don’t like Emma - why say that to a messy housemate? We want the mess! Came out to Aretha Franklin which may have been a bit much for some tastes (RIP).
It's funny because I like the American scripted reality people, but I hate the UK scripted reality people!
Oh Paul Oakenfold remixed the theme tune. I still hate it. He must be about 60 now, ha.
And finally we get Nick Leeson (a dead ringer for James Whale - James Fail?) who made a bank collapse, losing 800 million quid. I vaguely remember the story from when I was a kid, but really WHO CARES? Chloe was kidnapped and put in a bag. This guy is dry as toast. His interview with Emma was PAINFUL. He has lots of stories to tell. Thankfully, they'll never make the edit. Fair enough, be notorious, but at least be INTERESTING! We were nearly falling asleep in the crowd so God knows how you felt at home.
We were crying out for Stormy at this point. Did this guy replace her? I'd love to know who was the late entry.
And then back to this dumb twist. The BB President (shout out) will have (Stormy's) private residence and can go in the garden. Great.
Then we got to vote on the app with zero information about what Kirstie actually found out about them, plus no footage of them, so the public just voted for arguably the most famous (in this country), Ryan. Well, that's going to make for a dull week.
And that was about that. Overall, I think it's a good mix of housemates. They might not be big names but there are people to hate without them being too annoying, and some quirky characters. There's not tons of deadwood. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Thanks again to Big Brother for the invite and check out our podcast on Sunday! Thanks for reading.

Review: Save Me

It's been a long time since I've been inspired to write a blog (or anything, to be honest) out of nowhere, so cheers Lennie James. The only decent thing I've watched recently was also on Sky Atlantic (and was also available in one long binge), which was Tin Star, with the amazing Tim Roth. And I didn't write a blog about that. But I literally just finished watching Save Me and have not read a thing about it, so here are my pure thoughts.
Save Me had something special. Firstly, do not read this blog if you haven't seen it, because it's really fucking good and the less you know, the better.
At first glance from the advert I thought, oh a drama starring Lennie James (of Snatch and Walking Dead fame) and Suranne Jones (of Corrie and Doctor Foster) about a missing girl, that could be worth a watch as they're both good actors. I was totally off with my idea of what I thought it would be and what it was.
I watched the first one and was gripped. It was a combination of things, the acting, the characters, the world Lennie James had created (did I mention he wrote it, too?) It felt truly like a story about Londoners, about real people.
Lennie James's character is very interesting, a man about town, sleeping with half his tower block. I love the iconic yellow coat he wears throughout; something about it just adds to his quirkiness and charm (and when they give him the yellow snooker ball... fucking hell). I've been looking to invest in a mustard coat all winter, and in swaggers Lennie James with all the panache in his yellow bomber jacket, while I'm already moving onto 'spring jacket' territory (well, hoping to). His character is charming, a wide boy, a user... and feels really real. It feels like he's based on a real person.
We're first introduced to Lennie's through his various women, but Suranne Jones doesn't feature for quite a while, until her daughter goes missing, and the police arrest Lennie (well, Nelly as he's called in the show).
When they are together on screen, they are fantastic - in fact every character in it is a brilliant actor and unique. What is going on with Nelly and the woman behind the bar? Did the Avon deliveries ever get done in the end? What were those mysterious caramel eggs and where can I buy them? (Serious echos of the yellow pool ball there... a LITERAL Easter egg, as much as I usually hate that expression when used about secret clues/ codes in films or programmes - although I fucking love real easter eggs, obviously.)
Talking of shows with 'easter eggs' how can Lennie show up for work as Morgan on The Walking Dead and read out those drossy lines and scripts and play the wooden character he's become. I can only guess he must be getting a huge paycheck he must be getting for Fear The Walking Dead (Is that even what it's called?! I think he called it Fear Of The Walking Dead on The Talking Dead, ha) And that huge paycheck went towards making this brilliant series. Scott M Gimple, read Save Me's screenplay and go take a long hard look in the mirror, mate.
I digress. There are too many characters to delve into (this is how you do an ensemble cast, The Walking Dead) but one of the most intriguing was Nelly's paedophile mate, who Nelly has to use to try and find his daughter. Their relationship (and the relationship between the paedophile mate and his younger girlfriend) was so compelling. When Nelly has to go to the paedo club to try and track down his daughter, you can feel the disgust in the air, yet his friend is on his own turf, conflicted, but tempted. It is horrific to watch, and fascinating. I would love to know where their friendship stood at the end. It seemed to me Nelly actually did care for him, and his relationship. I mean, that's pretty brave, to have a paedophile as a character you (almost) want to root for, who is helping someone find his daughter... but also capitalising on the situation by getting to 'do stuff' (barely, as he said) with young girls... that is dark, and that is very, very interesting. It's something you don't see very often as most shows wouldn't touch it.
So many more interesting sub plots and characters; the transvestite/ drag queen neighbour, the indie kids, the paedo drug owner, Nelly's various bits on the side... just so good. Some of Nelly's speeches were so powerful, even his ringtone was a character - 'you what, you what, you what' - and if you're not answering your phone with 'who dis?' from now on, why not?
This is the first thing I've watched in over a year that made my put my phone down, and that in the final half an hour had my heart beating through my chest (only Big Brother US HOH competitions and Breaking Bad's last series have done that to me in the last five years).
Which brings us to the ending. I was so hoping for the ending I wanted, I could see it in my head, the rescue mission, the reuniting. Of course, I suspected it wouldn't be that easy, or that schmaltzy for a show that had been pretty gritty. When Suranne Jones' character Claire nearly gets raped by the indie kid trying to get information out of him and ends up nearly raping HIM, I was on the edge of my seat. When Nelly was at the auction to buy his daughter and Adrian fucking Edmonson was the auctioneer, I was gripped. But when he found her... I knew it wasn't her straight away! Why didn't he! And then I got scared. I got scared when I typed 'save me' as a hashtag and 'save me ending' was the first thing that came up. I got scared we were going into dream sequence territory. Or that he was going to be talking to a dead body. And I didn't like the little flashback things. It felt cheap. It felt Walking Dead. And it felt like it was setting up series two.
The music playing at the end was perfect though, something it also had in common with Tin Star.
And like Tin Star, this would have been SO GOOD as a one off series. That last episode of Tin Star also went off the rails, although way worse than this.
So what happened? Obviously Sky Atlantic wanted to do another series. I don't blame them, with such an excellent cast and fantastic writing. But it leaves us unsatisfied, and after such a thrill ride, we deserved a pay off, be it good or bad. It felt too much like bait and switch, and was not in keeping with the integrity of the rest of the show. But on the whole, it was NEARLY perfect. It was 9/10.
Will I be watching series two? Of course I will! I'd watch it right now if I could! Who dis?
It's Lennie fucking James and he's a legend.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Feel good finale eve!

So I kind of gave up blogging this series because it went a bit quiet and podcasting for three plus hours a week felt like enough. But I wanted to do a general overview and final blog.
I have really enjoyed the series and the casting was good on the whole. The triple eviction of Andrew, Dapper and Jonny was really stupid and made the final week a lot duller. To give one side power, have four up and kick three out is not good (quick) maths. I really misssed Andrew as a character (although I've heard we'll see him tonight - mixed feelings on that) and I thought the way Emma treated him in his interview was so disproportionate to what he actually did (called Ann a cunt - which she is) that it was offensive in itself. The fact that Daniel came out and didn't get pulled up on his continuous casual sexism (probably because he was going to propose to his girlfriend) was disappointing yet entirely predictable. I personally thought Andrew was spot on with what he said to Ann and with her 'protector of the unborn' crap last night, that was the final nail in her coffin for me. Do what you want with your withered womb Ann, but don't tell me what to do with mine. Ever.
As we predicted. Ann vs Courtney has become the story of the final week, and will be the the story of the final, with the result shining a light on us as a nation. Are we going to tolerate (and reward) the intolerant? My fear is that the answer is yes. Please say it aint so. Yet, Jim Davidson. 
So in tonight's episode all the old housemates are coming back, which is fine and will be entertaining, and I'm here for it... as long as it doesn't blow up Shane/Courtney's game.
Ginuwine is waking up the housemates, as opposed to putting them to sleep for once.
Where did these strippers come from! Wayne grabbing his crotch I can live without, although I do like Wayne (especially when he's drunk). I hope one of the strippers sits on Ann's lap.
Wayne after Ann scarpered: 'Ann is such a spoilsport but more for us.' Ha!
Male strippers are so gross. I couldn't look at them first thing in the morning either, to be honest. But I would... just because it was something new to look at.
John 'kick them out of the club' Barnes is now making Ann and Jess play football. That is a bad punishment. Sports bra needed for Ann, please. I put a sports bra on to play Just Dance earlier. You gotta keep those boobs in check.
I really HATE Ann talking to the camera. She's no Dan Gheesling and it's such an airtime grab. Just cos she can't interact with human housemates. She is a true gamer, which I don't mind, it's just her odious views she can keep.
India is reading the CBB news. I like her haircut. Fun watching them show Courtney's (fake) fall going in. You can tell it was fake because Shane J didn't look appalled, but who cares if it was fake? (Yeah, fuck off Amanda). It was hilarious. I like them watching clips of themselves. Shane L making a sandwich is literally his highlight of the series.
Amanda bathing Wayne, ha! Jess's 'cucumbers have salmonella' crap was the fakest shit I've ever seen (even though apparently it was true, I don't believe it). Also, Jess should have spoken up for herself yesterday when they were talking about sex on TV. Instead she sold her mates out. Not cool.
Ha, they are showing Dapper's proposal (one of the most cringe TV moments of the year so far... one step up from getting engaged on The Jeremy Kyle show).
India is summarising them all at the end. Said Shane J could risk 'becoming preachy'. Leave him alone. Watching Shane J get ostracised over the past week has been hard to watch as his heart is in the right place. Unlike someone in there who doesn't have one.
India mentioning her gender to Ann, ha. Ha, Ann throwing shade at India saying the public wasn't behind her. Then saying 'thank heavens the public don't have gender dysmorphia.' Oh dear.
Ann: 'India has a persecution complex.' That could be partly true but I still think she was a great housemate.
Dapper is now talking to the house. How is Jess so good at the 'yes/no' game when she's so 'dumb', hmm? I'm crap at it.
Shane J is soooo happy to see Daniel, aw! Shane J would like a night with Andrew where he couldn't talk. Me too!
I love Andrew talking from the memory wall, that's proper Tree of Temptation territory. My heart actually soared. It was proper Big Brother magic there. Like William going down the tunnel or Surly in the fishtank. It was such a good idea.
Wayne thinking Courtney was kissing Andrew's picture on the wall was so cute. I saw on Twitter Andrew gave Ann the finger when she walked past but I missed it! Legend.
Ha, Courtney confessing her 'love' for Andrew to Jess and then 'flirting with Wayne'. She looks ten foot taller than him.
Shane J then has to get Ann to try on one of her wigs. Haaa to Andrew giving it the thumbs up in the background! I wish Ann had seen it. Courtney; 'I don't think it's you' to Ann. Lolllllll. I'll say.
Wayne and Courtney are both dressed quite gaudily and similarly!
Andrew looks the best I've ever seen him inside the wall and he's coming across the nicest he ever has. Plus he's not had a go at Ann yet. Oh hold on, 'You smashed it, every single one of you. Even you, Ann.' Great passive aggressive stuff there! Just the right tone.
Oh no, they're making Rachel rap again. Why! 'Shane L did all the cooking but did you ever open your mouth' was a good line, though.
Ah all the old housemates coming back in. India: 'Ann, we will have a hug.' Jess sobbing to see Ashley! Why!
Aw the boys are in the hot tub! That's really cute actually. Another good idea from the task team. Ahhh Andrew's hug and kiss for Courtney brought a tear to my eye. Love them!
The housemates must be getting sooooo much info from this lot. This is why we don't have nice things - I mean live feed.
India is like the ghost at the feast, ha. She's counselling Courtney, bloody hell. Her advice is actually good. 'Your work is done' to Courtney. That seemed pretty genuine. Courtney looks stunning tonight.
India to Andrew and Courtney: 'Love comes in many forms.' True. Andrew, India and Courtney 'would be the craziest threesome in the world.' I liked India's 'I'm not being the jam in your sandwich, though.'
Rachel is trying to get the goss out of Andrew and Shane. Rachel saying Andrew's sign to Shane 'broke the internet.' Stop, Rachel. You're too old for memes.
What is this fake ass crap between Ashley and Ginuwine. Way to ruin my buzz. Scripted or what? Have they not spoken since they've been in the outside world?! Take your fake shit back to Made in Chelsea, bitch. 
Courtney and Andrew in the loo. Andrew is DEFINITELY getting a blowjob tomorrow night. His goodbye to Courtney: 'You are the most amazing thing I've met.' Thing! I have to hand it to him though, he didn't go in and tear into Ann. Much as I'd have liked to see it, it was best for Courtney's game that he didn't.
Malika going 'just win' to Courtney, aw.
Aw that was cute when the old housemates were at the top of the stairs. What a feel good episode! I wasn't expecting it, especially since this week has been a bit flat. Bringing the old housemates back could have easily gone another way, so well done to Ted (aka the producers) for keeping it light. We've had enough debates to last us the whole of 2018.
BB on Blast listeners, please give Shane J a vote! See you for Celebrity Big Brother US, which starts on 7th February. If you've never watched a BBUS this could be a good introduction to it. Enjoy the final, thanks for reading.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Playing the victim for strategy

Task! Is this the first proper task? They have dressed them all up like Stepford wives and 50s husbands and the men have to go work in the factory. Looks like they've had a proper makeover. Hmm. Outside contact?!
The women are waiting on the men and cooking them breakfast.
BUT THE REAL TASK IS. The women have to work in the factory too and beat the men. They seem quite happy about it, even Ann!
I'm not really paying attention to this task. Do they girls have an advantage because they know they're in competition with the boys?
The task is OK to watch not very good to blog about. Everyone is raving about it but I'm like 'meh'. My standard is people hanging off a wall on BBUS. Courtney is given a cue card (I imagine) saying 'What do you think about Donald Trump's locker room talk?' Andrew's obviously been given another cue card saying he has to say 'allegedly' before he says anything about Harvey Weinstein. Sigh. 'Innocent until proven guilty!' Tell that to Jimmy Saville.
Ginuwine is saying women might be making up some of the claims. Courtney is there to set him straight: 'The statistic of people misreporting sex crimes is very small. That's blaming the victim.' Oh my God, I love her so much. She is one of the only people on Big Brother that I not only enjoy watching, but that I'd also love to be friends with. I feel like I'd learn such a lot, and also have a bloody great time. He/she HAS to win.
Ashley is apologising to India for something. I don't know what for. I blinked and missed it.
Amanda: 'India's playing the victim is a strategy.' India: 'Where did that come from?' Where indeed! Who grassed up India? I think she was talking to Dapper about playing up her role, wasn't she? Snitch!
All the boys came back into the house and the women pretended they cleaned it, but were thwarted by Shane/ Courtney's questions about extension cords and the length of the cord. He wanted to know ALL the details. Jess is not a very good liar. Thwarted!
Ashley talking about women messing with the milkman back in the day. Ashley: 'Just so you know, I don't cheat.' Ginuwine: 'I've got more than enough for you.' Yuck.
Maggie is trying to get the dirt: 'You two look very cosy.' Ashley: 'I hug everyone.' Bitch, please.
They are now recycling stuff. Topical. Ooglies! Wayne Sleep is channeling Leslie Jordan with those glasses. 'Get the fuck outta here!' I like Wayne Sleep though! He seems sweet.
Dapper: 'Do you have feelings for Ashley?' Ginuwine: *laughing* 'I don't even know her.' Nice. Dapper has a great way of bringing out the worst in the men. Also, I don't want to look at his bum crack.
The men are talking about shaving their pubes. Wayne is interested in doing it cos it makes your dick look bigger. Thanks for that image, Wayne. Men who shave their pubes are girls. I'm not a fan.
Shane L is talking about Stephen Gately's coming out story. Poor Steo. RIP.
Did I really just heard Andrew from the Apprentice use the term 'cis women'? I have officially seen it all. That is some futuristic shit. I think I have only ever read that online (oh no, we did discuss it in my office actually). Andrew is discussing vaginas with India. India chose hers from a book.
Malika says Jonny has come out of his shell. But Ashley knows what the British crowd are like, and we like the drama of India. Malika doesn't have a clue how this show works! She'll get a shock when someone gets booed to hell and then stays and the winner gets booed. That's how it works in Borehamwood. We keep you on your toes.
Andrew likes a bit of lip, a bit of labia on the vagina. Not good news for Courtney, as hers is made of masking tape.
The boys think Ashley and Ginuwine are going to kiss tonight. But they have to say it in such a laddy, horrible way.
Interesting that India said she likes Ashley and that Ashley 'is patient with her.' I wouldn't like to have a personality where people had to be patient with me.
India is regretting going on about gender too much. India is gaming now. I love it. India is in full game mode. 'Everyone is banking on me going out.. but maybe there's still time.' YES. India must stay. What is Jonny doing? Smiling and dribbling?
Ashley is perving on Ginuwine through the bedroom window and he's beckoning her into bed. But she didn't go. Their relationship is quite old skool Big Brother as well, it's very slow moving, but the difference is, I don't care what happens as I don't care about either of them. I don't hate them, I'm just blah on them. BLAH.
New BBonBlast coming tomorrow night! If you like the podcast SAVE INDIA. Cheers!

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: I straddle the gender divide

I just noticed for the first time Marcus not saying 'day 8'! That is odd. Bit I only just noticed. So how odd is it?
Who are Wayne and Maggie mad about? India? I enjoyed them bitching about people 'holding court.'
Racism talk! John is right, they wouldn't put 'white' in front of the word 'paedophile gang.' Interesting to hear about the press regulations.
Malika from KUWTK giving Ann Widdecome a haircut. Whatever next!
Marcus: 'India is bringing the conversation back to her favourite subject - herself.' SHADE.
India is annoyed that men would feel more comfortable flirting with Shane/ Courtney. The Shane's saying 'it's your attitude' to her. Shane/ Courtney is very astute to say it's not coming across well to us at home too.
Shane L: 'Don't be angerfied.' To be sure.
Ann's haircut looks great! I like Ann's pride about her thick hair and hair colour. Not so sure about her make up though. She looks like she has pink eye. Can't they do her some smoky eye!
Ahhh Ann was happy to get wolf whistled therefore good looking girls who get harassed daily should be OK with it. Ann saying women are easily offended and po faced. Yes, we know you are, Ann.
Ginuwine mentioning his name is Elgin Lumpkin. I already knew that! I have a Ginuwine fan in my office.
Secret mission! Malika is on a task to do some things. Swap beds, give compliments, play pranks. Yes as usual, I wasn't listening, ha. Someone won some shortbread.
Ginuwine and Ashley might be my least favourite showmance ever. Stone cold.
Ann prefers Shane as Shane. She thinks Courtney is a tart! Courtney: 'I straddle the gender divide.' Ann: 'Courtney is a tramp.' Poor Courtney! Don't let her get abused like that, Shane! Stick up for yourself, ha.
Ginuwine asking Wayne when he came out 'as it was hard back then.' Wayne didn't want to come out while his mum was alive. It's nice Ginuwine is taking an interest. Not good at pretending he knows who Queen is, though. Americans are always flossing their teeth!
Wayne is doing his jungle tales. Wayne thinks Big Brother is tougher than the jungle. He said, at least in the jungle you see Ant and Dec every morning. I could like without that, to be honest. Wayne got annoyed because Rachel got distracted while talking to him and he wanted the attention, ha. Rachel is kind of annoying. She's in the middle of every fucking thing.
At least they're racing through the face to face noms. The editing has been really good this year, they're not treating us like memory-less five year olds.
Why did Ann nominate Andrew! I thought she liked him, Maybe she finds him flirting with her a bit cringy. Ann actually looks good in the red, sparkly dress. She scrubs up reasonably!
Ann: 'I hope India goes and not you' to Jonny, ha. 'You weren't even on my radar.'
Courtney: 'Are you going for redemption or panto villian?' to India. They edited that from yesterday and actually made India look a bit better as India said she was going to wage war.
Dapper pointing out that the crowd didn't like India. I don't like India's pearly lipstick. I hate glossy lipstick! Keep it matte.
Courtney asking Malika if she would be OK going out with a guy who has slept with men. She said no. I guess bisexual men should be pleased when they get a girlfriend who doesn't mind (ie. me!)
Andrew and Ashley are bitching about India having a go at Ginuwine.
Courtney had a threesome with two girls who were lesbians. How does that work!
Dressing gown watch: I like Maggie's dressing gown and India's dressing gown.
India has actually taken being nominated pretty well. I would not have called it. India: 'What do the people who push the numbers want to see?' I want to see more India. India: 'People have done very well out of that.' GAMER!
Malika says India is a ticking time bomb on the sofa. Doesn't seem that way to me, but I've only seen about three minutes of it, I guess.
Rachel is sorry for giving a stupid reason for nominating Jonny (because she fancies him). She's planning on getting off with him in the toilet ha.
Ashley is washing Ginuwine's clothes. 'I nearly folded them and thought I'm not his wife... yet.' No, but you could be his next babymomma. Give it a week.
I saw this sexual harassment chat on the live feed. Malika was making some good points. John: 'Men haven't got worse, women are just not accepting the behaviour.' Interesting.
Dapper bringing it back to the men like the little misogynistic prick he is.
Courtney is so smart. I love her challenging Dapper's stupid views. 'It's not just about intent... a woman can't go up to men and challenge them.' Dapper thinks men would be all cool with it. What would actually happen is instead of them wolf whistling you, they'd call you a frigid or an ugly fat bitch.
Jess and Ashley are pissed in the bath talking shit. I don't know what the fuck they're on about. Secret code? Look at that glittery, smoky eyeshadow on Jess. Christmas is over!
Andrew likes flirting with Courtney. Maybe she can help him come out. Dapper's stories whenever they show Ashley and Ginuwine holding hands are so awful. I would vote him out in two seconds flat if I was in there. I can't believe he didn't get one vote!
Jonny telling Courtney to 'break Andrew's metaphorical walls down.' I think it might go a bit further than that. I hope it does! Mantub redux! Dragtub!
Courtney didn't think she'd be friends with the laddy lads. She probably wouldn't be if she heard the way they talk in private.
I'm still really enjoying CBB. It just feels so fresh this year. I don't want it to end! And BOTS on straight after? It's almost like someone who cares about the show is making the show again!

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: 'Go back to Love Island'

My friend whose girlfriend is trans told me today that her girlfriend and other trans people she knows are getting more abuse (than usual) because of India being in Big Brother. She said, (and I don't think she'll mind me quoting this part): "It's deepening the divide between binary and nb trans people, and between the trans and drag communities." You open the trapdoor to the bigots, and they take it onto the streets. Scary when it's a real person, my friend's real girlfriend, and not just a TV character, isn't it? Scary when you say something awful on Twitter and see others say it on Twitter, you then think it's OK to shout it at someone in the street. This is people's reality, not a scene on a show.
Which brings us onto the face to face nominations, in which every person will nominate India. I actually wish she was immune because I don't want her to go out first, even though she gets on my nerves. I just can't bear the booing.
That background version of the Big Brother music still sends a shiver down my spine, unlike those idiots going 'woo woo' who need slapping. I like Emma's pink coat.
Only the women can vote... but they can vote for each other. And they will. Ann will delight in nominating two women.
I wish Big Brother would stop showing this same old conversation. There must be some other shit happening in the house.
Shane/ Courtney says newly trans people go through a short of adolescence. I can see that.
John Barnes gets what India is scared of - the same thing I've been saying all week! Who'd have thought it, a thoughtful footballer! *Mind blown*
Shane is doing the Boyzone files. Ronan thinks he's is clearly a cut above the others. I despise Ronan Keating. I haven't a strong idea of what I really think about Shane L yet. He seems a decent bloke so far.
Ginuwine says Ashley is going to come to the states and see him. That was fast work! 'You might find us kissing in the spa... who knows.' Hope not.
Ann is talking to Rachel about why Boris withdrew from being Conservative leader. Apparently it was because there wasn't many people backing him (or as Gaz just said, in rather a good tweet, even I must admit, Boris's alliance didn't have the numbers). Rachel gave something away there... that Boris is not really chaotic. You don't say! It's all an act.
Dapper 'If you had to pick one of the girls to hook up with for one night, who would you? Ashley knows how to handle herself.' Andrew: 'They're all fit, I'd bang them all, but why just for one night?' Prince Charming, is that you? Dapper needs to 'recover afterwards.' In your fucking dreams, mate. Reminiscent of 'Absolutely fantastic' Ash's 'slutbuckets' chat with Marlon. YEAR OF THE WOMAN.
Dapper is telling a story about his crappy horror film 'Fanged up' but we're only hearing about it because Ashley and Ginuwine are holding hands during it. They have about as much chemistry as Peter and Toyah in Corrie.
Jonny wearing a onesie covered in birdshit there. Have to bring back eek or chic for that one.
Rachel doesn't want to leave her bed for Ginuwine and is being accused of 'cockblocking.' I prefer to think of it as keeping the population down.
Ann Widdecome thinks Meghan Markle is trouble. Is it because she is black? Yes. Meghan Markle seems nothing but lovely. Not compliant enough for you, Ann? Own career! Scary! Oh strong woman! Not a little mouse like Kate.
Courtney's balls are tucked up inside! John Barnes and Shane L aren't impressed. 'my balls wouldn't go inside' says John, ha.
Ashley has put eye make up on Ann! She looks nice! I likes Ashley saying 'should I tone it down?' even though there's none on there. That was considerate.
Even John Barnes has to ask Courtney if he wants to be a woman! See, people are so confused. Big Brother is educating people. I love 'it's a rich tapestry.'
TALENT SHOW TIME. Shane's singing is fucking dreadful. I can sing better than that. The women crying at it! It was shit!
Malika looks like she's had botox in the house. Outside contact!
Andrew did juggling cos he has no talent. I like them playing John's song. They should have got him to sing it. OMG he's actually rapping to it. Karaoke classic. John is in his element. I love what I've seen of him so far.
Jonny is chatting people up as a talent. Is that a talent? Actually, it can be. But not in this instance.
Tap dancing. Oh Lord, Dapper's stand up comedy. I'm not calling him Daniel anymore as he's clearly just Dapper. Are his jokes written down? Writing materials! And he slutshamed Ashley!
Andrew on Ginuwine: 'He's got 9 kids, he doesn't wear condoms.' Yuck.
Courtney's song was great. I LOVE her outfit. I can see the Kylie Minogue thing now. India and Ann's faces: standard. BODY PARTS!
Ginuwine is singing his song Pony, which is aptly named. Crap!
LOL Malika voted for Shane L to win the talent show. Pity vote! Courtney was the clear winner. Ashley being her usual do-gooding self and voting for Dapper after he slutshamed her. Dumbo!
Ann nominated Wayne, ha. Old people's entertainment. Pity votes for Jonny, too, as he has no talent. Good of India to nominate Courtney. True gaming! Ah but she wrote 'Shane' on the board and not Courtney! Courtney does not miss a trick. 'People are feeling eggshelly. Drag-queen-o-phobia.' Great turns of phrases! Went to bet on her today, but the odds were no good. She was favourite to win. Remember when I put that bet on India! Oops.
Courtney is showing India her chicken fillets and her gloves with nails. Gloves with nails! I could see them on Dragon's Den.
Ginuwine is regaling Ashley with his showbiz tales of nearly ponying Janet Jackson.
Dapper thought Courtney was a woman when she came in. Did he just say, 'I could have fucked it!' I can't rewind it right now! Courtney's pink wig is gorgeous.
I think Ginuwine must smell really great because I don't see the appeal myself. And I'm sure he won't mind me saying, as he did about India, ha.
Do women REALLY get offended by men opening doors for them? Let's see... I'm a woman... I'm a feminist... no, we don't. Urban myth!
Courtney in the hot tub in her earrings and wig! Love it.
Dapper is nervous about the first eviction. I hope he should be.
India is worried about 'the coven of witches' nominating her. But then said 'Bring on the real Big Brother where the knives come out... bring it on.'
OK then!
Emma is talking to the house. Nice to see them all dressed up for once!
The women are now losing control and the sexes will battle for power. HOH!
Emma is in the house. I bet the women turn on each other. Cannibalism time! Ah, those gold bubble envelopes. 10 for £1 in Poundland.
Emma enforcing the rules and chatting to them. The rules don't seem that hard tbh. Two pics in the envelope. Get on with it.
Malika nominated Andrew for not cleaning the toilet even though he's not the 'toilet person.'
Ann saying Malika's reason for nominating her wasn't valid 'because they're torturing her.' Fuck off Ann. You don't want to know the real reason.
Rachel nominated India and Johnny for being good looking. India nominated India and Johnny because of something in the outside. Don't think that should be allowed. The crowd are cheering when India gets nominated. Yuck.
India nominated Ann for not taking part in the tasks and Ginuwine because he doesn't fancy her, basically.
Amanda also nominated Jonny for being 'on the outside edge of the group' and said 'Go back to Love Island.' Best words ever said in the house. Love Island-ist! And Amanda nommed India.
And Maggie nommed India about the beds. And Maggie nommed Jonny. What's Jonny done to deserve it! He seems OK. Pointless, but OK.
Jess nominated India for 'not respecting her elders' and Ann. Why is Jess talking so fast?
Ann nominated India for causing too many rows and Andrew for being laddish. I thought she was sweet on Andrew! That didn't last long.
It's good no one is being evicted until Friday. We're definitely getting our money's worth from the housemates.
The housemates up are India and Johnny in a head to head! OMG. I love a good face off. I hate it when there's twenty odd up.
Ooooh! That little snippet of Courtney saying to India 'are you going to be the panto villain now' because India said it was easy to nominate. Just five seconds and there's so much there! Delicious.
I liked the way Emma said 'thanks for watching and have a good night' at the end. It made me feel like the night wasn't over. But is basically is.