Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I've never had one STD, just a urine infection

'It's 2013. I respect women'. Well, I don't know much, but I know neither of those statements are true. Not sure how I'm going to write thing fucking thing right now, but think my Dappy bile should keep me fired up.
Lee: 'You don't fall in love as many times as you go to Nandos.' Depends on if you're Lee Ryan, or that dude trying to get his free Nandos card.
Oh STFU about this love triangle already. I don't want to hear another word about it. Casey is a bit possessive over Lee. What does she see in him? I've barely heard Liz slag anyone off, which is a little disappointing.
LEE: stop whining, you prick. JUST SHUT UP. BB must understand we're getting sick of this now. God, he's such a big baby.
Not quite sure what point Dappy is trying to make with 'it's 2013' especially when, er, it's not. So let's just assess how this conversation started. Dappy was bragging about fucking about on tour. Then: 'A fucking hoe.' Well, now we get down to the brass tacks. I'm glad Casey witnessed this. Old turnip head piping up with 'there aint no such thing as equal' - well we already know he has no respect for gay people or horses, so why not women, too? Get to fuck, Evander.
Dappy: 'Come back' after he just called them a 'fucking hoe.' So weird that he would rather be a pig than a slag. Because being a slag is so awful and that can only be applied to women. SIGH.
What has it got to do with Dappy how many men or women Luisa has slept with, in one night, or one lifetime, it's NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
RELAX YOURSELF. 'Ask Linda if she agrees!' Who gives a fuck if Linda agrees or not? Who cares if she slept with five men in one night or 50 men in 10 years? What the fuck as it got to do with this little cunt? How many dumb self-hating fucking bitches have slept with this little pipsqueak? Who is he to tell other people how to live their life when he's getting his donkey schlong out to boost his record sales! WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
'I respect women.' Here's how Dappy respects women. He spits on them in BP garages. He calls them slags. He cheats on the mother of his child. With this sort of respect, he's starting to make Lee Ryan look like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
LOL Dappy has struggled in life. On the mean streets of fucking Hertfordshire. How does HE know Luisa has never struggled in life? What the fuck do any of us know about anyone else's life?! He's making judgements left right and centre.
Dappy is being an aggressive little cunt. He should have been called to the DR and told to chill the fuck out.
Dappy: 'I bet Sam don't agree with that.' Yeah, let's hear Sam's opinion on the matter. Oh, sorry, she's too busy SITTING ON THE FENCE RIGHT NOW. Why isn't Jim telling Dappy to chill his fucking boots? Why is NO ONE SPEAKING!
Linda; 'Are you alright, Luisa?' after Dappy's gone. Brave. Evander backing up Dappy's horseshit. Thank God he's gone. Thanks FUCK.
Dappy IS a little kid. He's 26! He acts like some kid on the back of the bus throwing chips at you.
LOL to 'you just can't buy class'. He had a go at her for being a snob, so she might as well act like one.
What is this bullshit about Dappy listening outside the DR door? That shouldn't be allowed WHATSOEVER. Put him in his fucking nappy again and leave him there until he shits his pants this time. He acts like he's a newborn, so treat him like one.
What is this shit about 'are you going to tell your daughter how many people you've slept with.' Who TELLS their daughter that?! What planet is he on. You don't HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. (Well, I have, but my mum was drunk at the time).
Oh my God, is he STILL GOING ON? Big Brother, call him to the Diary Room, this is fucking harrassment. Why would Dappy's mother have ANYTHING to be ashamed about! She's brought up such a lovely boy, probably in between fucking guys left right and centre and NOT telling Dappy about it, like normal parents do.
Ah, now the GCSE grades come out. Here come the big guns, gangsters. That's when you know we mean business. Whilst living in the ghetto, Dappy was also school swot and master prefect. No mention of A levels though, I notice, and I don't think they give out degrees in cuntery. I'm still agog he got one grade higher than me for English, he can't even speak it. Still, this is mature. 'An A and B in stuck up' was quite funny, though.
The level of rage I'm feeling towards the TV is not healthy. I don't know how Luisa contained herself not to knock his fucking teeth out. She would have been a HERO. I swear he was goading her to try and get that sort of reaction. BB should have stepped in.
Did you know Dappy had an A plus in English? HAS HE MENTIONED IT? Hold on, it's gone from an A plus in maths to a B in maths. I want to see the actual certificates. I'm not buying any of this. I only got an A and I'm a writer and wasn't gangbanging and drug dealing at the time, so how did he get an A plus when he was keeping it street? This RE-SOOM-AY DON'T ADD UP, as Alan Sugar would say.
Ha to Lee going 'ooh, quick' when the row started again.
Your agent told you to keep your fucking mouth shut' was the biggest ownage of the night. Just brilliant. Luisa is a brave woman to even talk about having sex on TV, and she certainly doesn't need anyone sticking up for her in this row. She's tough.
Why is Dappy wearing a jacket from Millets? It looks like the sort of jacket your dad would wear for a country walk. SWAG.
'I'm not a prick, though.' I do not understand why he has not been given a warning for this. I thought they weren't allowed to say things that could cause offense to people watching. Well I know I'm only an inferior WOMAN but I am fucking OFFENDED so give him is warning, please. In fact give him his suitcase and dump him on the hard shoulder somewhere so I don't ever have to look at the little maggot again.
Dappy: moral arbiter. I reckon he would go to a sex party. He's an ANIMAL.I think it's terrible that no one stuck up for Luisa. Jim is being a dick, Luisa was just DEFENDING HERSELF. Jasmine is the only person on her side.
Ha to Linda and Jim having a laugh for once. They must be desperate.
LOL, Dappy is bringing out the three number one singles now. Morrissey would be fuming, he's never had a number one.
Now we've covered the GCSEs and the records, Dappy's having to resort to the fact he's never had an STD, but he had a urine infection. Just amazing. He's either an evil genius, or least self-aware man on the planet. I've changed my mind, keep in him. It's just non stop entertainment, it really is. Just let it keep digging and digging and digging.
Why is Linda DEFENDING Dappy!? Disgusting. Who cares about Dappy's mum? She brought up that fucking thing. She deserves no respect.
I'm glad Lee and Casey saw all that bullshit today before they voted, because it helped that Luisa was getting browbeaten and slut-shamed all day long.
I still think it's bad manners how Evander when out, even though he was a plank and an ignoramus. He's still a guest in our country and deserved a proper goodbye and a sorry from Lee and Casey who were acting like selfish dickheads. Good to see Dappy lose his wingman, though.
Why is idiot Lee hugging Dappy after the way he's been behaving today. Dappy is Lee's only way to redeem himself. The only person who can make Lee look decent. Dappy must be particularly annoyed that Evander went over that harlot Luisa.
Jasmine: 'she clearly thinks she's got him back.' I think Jasmine only wants Lee if someone else is interested in him. I think she's just that sort of person.
I hate it when they go back in and go on and on about all they've seen. What is that fucking waistcoat Lee is wearing? Jasmine looks good tonight. Lee is acting like a little idiot. Jasmine is loving the attention.
This BB feels like it's been on for years but it's cos I've had to stop so many times to spout off.It has taken me an hour and a half to watch it.
Jim is talking to Luisa about things she says being taken the wrong way. Hold on, whilst I get my pot and kettle out.
You ARE OAPS, Jim and Lionel. It's just a fact. Why is Lionel bagging on her now, she's already had a rough day. Oh, shut up, Jim. He's making it worse.
I don't think Luisa wants to go home, I think she feels victimised, demeaned, humilated and embarrassed, which is exactly what Dappy wanted.
Is this Big Brother sponsored by no brand vodka and lemonade? They seem to have crates of the stuff. Jim: 'Do you think I'm being myself in here, I'd be thrown out in a minute.' Well, at least he's honest and we know it's true. It's called self-awareness. That was a strange sort of comforting Jim did there.
Why is LIONEL stirring the pot now? He IS an OAP, deal with it. Stop trying to get airtime! Go to fucking bed, old man.
At last, Linda speaks sense! Telling Dappy to grow up. Ha, Linda, 'If I could I would.' That's the sort of thing my mum would say! Does anyone really believe Lionel's feeling are hurt? Today Luisa has been called a slag, a loose woman and a bad mother. You got called OLD which you ARE. We all get old and we all die and to make it to 82 with jazz hands still agogo is not doing too shabby, so get over it.
I think Dappy must have been on the phone to his agent in the Diary Room because he's now apologising to Luisa. LOL to Dappy and Luisa cuddling. She's a bigger woman than I am, I'd cut his fucking nuts off in the middle of the night, with Jim Davidson's egg slicer, if to hand. Let's see how long this truce lasts.
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE LEE STUFF. 'I didn't look in her eyes the way I look in your eyes.' Is the reptile crying? What the fuck is she crying about? She's probably got something in her eye.
SO MUCH RAGE. Good to get that out of my system, though, right? Better out than in. I'm honestly going to take a valium now. And probably watch a cartoon or something. Relax yourself, indeed. Swag!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Another vat of wine, dear?

Vodka. Check. Red bull. Check! First eviction? Check!
Who goes? Casey and Lee decide! WHAT?! I didn't vote to save Liz for this shit. They won't save Liz. They'll save the wicked witch Jasmine. Do housemates normally get this much power?! I was gonna vote again but don't think I'm gonna now. I hope it's Evander and Luisa in the bottom two.
Why is Jim getting cheered AGAIN! Bitches in the crowd be crazy.
Casey: 'They're talking about you.' Lee: 'What are they saying?' 'You're a cunt.' OK, she didn't say that. But she should have! She should be winding him up to high heaven. LOL to her laughing at him for crying. She's a good sport, you know.
Jasmine, get your hands off my Ollie!
Poor Liz feels ostracised. 'I'm not the sort of person you'd go on holiday with.' Me either!
Lionel smearing Jim's good name saying he used to be a playa. Don't be a playa hater! I like Casey's peacock leggings.
Dappy is gawping at Luisa. Maybe he's going to stab her. Or spit on her? Jasmine, stop bagging on Liz! Sometimes writers are betting on paper than in person. Me, for example.
Does Dappy have his swag on in a nappy? I'm not sure Dappy has his swag on ever. Fair play to him for putting it on, though.
Lee loves love. I heard that can be catching. BUT FIRST.
What's this witches alliance Luisa and Jasmine have set up? Liz is right, they ARE bullies. Or at the very least, nasties.
I can't believe how much I like Casey now compared to when she went in. Why is Lee talking about 'the worst thing he's ever done'? Is he brain-damaged?
Sliming tasks are a bore. Ollie getting uppity about being called fake. Aww. I don't find Dappy fake. Dappy is 4 realz! You knows it. There's only one slime watch in that house, and that's whenever the camera's on Lee.
Who's safe? 'Get Jasmine out' - ha. Not the homewrecker card. Lee and Casey's home was definitely just a starter home.
'Your fate is sealed' is not as good as 'It's time to go' as they say on BBAU.
LOL Jim is safe. I'm glad, he actually DOES have more to give, unbelievably, even though he's hateful. Who's that chump in the audience who keeps chanting 'Love you Dappy'? Is he 'bent' - to use a Dappyism.
Jasmine safe too! How?!
'Get Luisa out' is a bit of a mouthful to chant. Too many syllables.
Lee, put your belly away. Casey warning Lee off Jasmine. No ulterior motive there. Not at all. Lee is not capable of just being friends with a girl without wanting to waggle his willy on them.
Liz daring to bring up the H word. Where's Dappy? Is Evander bragging that he PUNCHED A HORSE to LIZ JONES? Get a clue, mate! 'I was embarrassed by what the horse did.' Ha. Again, where's Dappy?
Ollie fancies Sam! Why? You might as well fancy a brick wall. I don't watch TOWIE but she's given us NOTHING so far.
Christ, Jim first advocating nuclear war, now armed police! What's up with him!? Oh Linda, STFU. 'Another vat of wine, dear?' They're like real parents who hate each other, ha.
Jim isn't really being aggressive, he's just quite blunt, but so is Linda. Their arguments are quite boring.
Oh, Lee, put that woman down, you freak. Talk about mixed signals! 
Jasmine: 'What did he finger you, who gives a fuck'. Ha, that's the attitude. 'I didn't put that thing in my mouth.' That thing! Hahahahaha!
OMG did he lick Jasmine out?! That's one way to keep his fucking gob shut. On the second night in the house, though! Mother of God.
YES! Liz is safe! That was my money well spent. Liz isn't boring. No more boring than Abz was, and he came second, admittedly to the biggest bunch of pricks on the planet.
Get Evander out! Get Evander out! Will they boot him, though? Will they DARE?
Did the video fuck up or what? Ollie looks scared! At least they're showing the housemates some of what Lee and Casey said, too.
Evander aint looking too happy. I think he knows. Lee was quick to decide. He decided before the 30 seconds even began. Lee is quite brave (ish) because he probably think Evander is actually popular. He isn't.
I would have thought Evander would be happy to go. He's not exactly fitting in, is he? I think he just doesn't like losing.
Lee and Casey, not exactly tactful coming back in whooping with delight. Dappy didn't look too pleased.
Did Lee and Casey even say sorry to Evander? Did Evander just try and leave via the DR door? I don't think anyone said goodbye to him.
I hope he enjoys coming out anyway. I just tweeted that and got the most retweets I think I've ever had.I could be the new Jimmy Carr.
I don't even like horses and I hate Evander, so good riddance. He thought he was the second out. Even if Lee and Casey has been evicted, he would be third.
Did Emma really just say Evander is loved?! This is a woman who roasted Hazel and Courtney for being WOMEN and patted Daley on the back. What a crock.
Evander: mic fail. Emma is tanking this interview. She's not even going to ask him about the homophobia, is she? Nope. Not at all. Honestly, the way she's torn some of the female housemates apart for KISSING and he gets off the hook completely? SHAMEFUL! That interview was a car crash. I don't think Evander knew the name of one of his housemates except Dappy.
Bring on the live feed...! Half an hour, you say? SO GENEROUS!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I think everybody outside understands

Ooh, looks like it's going to be a good 'un tonight. We barely need nominations at this rate.
What is the 'personalised promise bible'? Does it say 'Evander' in place of Jesus?
Marcus missed an opportunity to say 'Dappy is taking a nappy' there.
Lee is not being perceived well with the public 'because of what Casey did.' Wow. Oh, so she could have kept her mouth shut? Perhaps you could have KEPT YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS. Victim blaming little pipsqueak. 'Too sensitive'! Pull the other one. My boyfriend said he FELT SORRY for Lee during the fake eviction! Should make for a fun podcast on Saturday. It's going to be a long one!
Ha, Lee must be shitting himself that Casey and Jasmine are talking. Casey is quite straight, I like it. She doesn't beat around the bush, she says what she thinks. Lee is twitching! What a prick. He really is a wanker.
Jasmine is not pissed off because JASMINE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, Lee. You passed up on a girl who actually seems quite switched on. Lee is griping, bitching and wielding a knife. Health and safety!
Lee, you DID say you really liked Casey AND that you wanted a girlfriend! And then you rubbed your whiny little hard on against her. And she's annoyed! I wonder why. Does he really not get it? I think he does get it. He's just playing dumb. No one is that stupid.
Haha, there's a rat in the kitchen, what am I going to do! Lee is crying by the knives. Dappy is comforting him whilst wearing sunglasses and kissing him on the head. This is TV GOLD. This is 'yes, you are being funny, mummy.' Lee is worried about other people looking 12? Crying over a girl not liking him! What a scrotum. How DARE he say Casey is causing him drama? If he really liked Jasmine I guess he should have held off for one night. Horny little toad. Get Lee out! Shame, shame, we know your name.
He actually seemed mildly considerate to Casey as he went up the stairs. Didn't last long though!
Ha, Lionel is pleased Dappy is saved.
I don't think Lee wanted to go back in the house. I think he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, perhaps letting out one final squeal like a helium balloon losing air before he collapsed.
Did Jim Davidson actually just say, 'no one likes a fanny rat'?! And Luisa said 'exactly'! I am agog. I really am. FANNY RAT! Dear God. *clutches pearls*
Sam sticking the knife into Lee the second he goes. Faiers enough. (Sorry)
Lee is saying he DID say he liked Casey to her now! I think Lee has got the words 'flirt' and 'jerk' confused. Ha, Lee trying to stop Casey listening to the live feed. At least they got live feed, y'all. More than we got.
Lee: 'I didn't say I loved you.' That was big of you after three days. Oh Lee, just put a sock in it! Butterflies! Send in the fly spray. 'When I was in the alien room...' It's called a spaceship, Lee. A spaceship.
Dappy, just after nominations starts is NOT the right time to pick a fight. Dappy is doing a tally of Luisa's arguments. I hear he's got an A* in English. Not sure he's done so well in maths. Why has Dappy got the hump? Sleeping all day? Poor lamb. No worries, there's no live feed anyway.
Uh oh, Dappy is talking nominations! HAS HE NEVER SEEN BIG BROTHER BEFORE! You're not allowed to influence nom-noms!
Ooh, Lee and Casey get to watch nominations. Cool.
Oh no, Ollie nommed Liz! Liz isn't asking questions - what sort of journalist is she?! Ooh, he's nominated Evander. He must feel the anti-bi vibes. He's nominating him for not cleaning. Not that old schtick! Lamest reason in the book - shouldn't be allowed.
Ooh, Evander nominating Jasmine. No American solidarity here. Lee getting uppity about it. Ha, Evander is nominating Ollie for being 'nice.' Not because he likes snogging blokes, no siree.
Linda is nomming Jim - shocker! And Liz - boo.
Doctor Jim is telling Liz to get some anxiety meds. Followed by 'most men would fuck a frog when it stops hopping.' Seriously, what charm school did he go to? His wife must feel like a very special lady!  Ribbet.
Sam nommed Luisa for bitching. Luisa is a stirrer. She also nominated Jim for bagging on Linda.
Dappy nominated Luisa horizontally. OMG he nominated Liz! Nooooooo! They were buddies! His reason was quite fair, though, because she put him in jeopardy. Even Liz couldn't argue with that.
Lionel nominated Jasmine 'finger bang' Waltz. Lionel also nommed Jim. I thought they were bros. Casey is right about the one upmanship.
Oh Lee, STFU about Jasmine. She's like an anaconda. She doesn't give two fucks if you live or die.
I wish Ollie was stroking my hair. Mmm, Ollie.
Luisa nommed Dappy for keeping his mouth shut. Could be good if he's gonna start spitting everywhere. That is annoying, though, we want Dappy to be Dappy. She also nommed Jim.
Liz nominated Luisa for the shopping list wars. 'If we were at school together she'd probably bully me.' Ha. She also nommed Evander for saying 'animals don't have souls.' Good. He probably thinks gay people don't either.
Jim nominated Linda - shocker (again). He also nommed Liz! Boo. It was the Lauren Harries type nomination because she's fragile. I'm surprised he didn't say Jasmine.
Jasmine nominated Jim. It was big of Casey to say Jasmine was beautiful. But we all know what 'free spirit' meant in that context. Who else did Jasmine nominate?!
They're gonna cancel some of the nominations, aren't they? I hope Evander goes. He adds nothing and he's a homophobe. Ooh, they're putting five up. Good!
I can't stand Linda. Does she ever smile? All I ever hear is negative crap come out of her mouth.
Aw, Casey still likes Lee! Bless. She's a real glutton for punishment.
Casey is right to be wary of Luisa. Who's Lee on the phone to? The Banker? Aw, poor Casey!
What, they didn't cancel any of the noms? Weird.
OOH, it's vote to save! I wonder who will go? I'm gonna vote to save Liz. Luisa could be vulnerable, maybe? I want Evander to go! I hope Jim and Jasmine stay because they create controversy. And what do you want from a Big Brother house, Janice Battersby smoking a fag on a bench? Thought not.

Big Brother 2013: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, journey, journey, journey, journey

Evening! I just watched two episodes of Big Brother US, so you can't say I'm not having a productive start to the week. I've also been drinking! Here's to life.
WHY are Charlie and Hazel still sharing a bed?! There must be spare beds in the house now, there's only three weeks left. Didn't Dan have a bed?
Charlie PLEASE STFU about the 'Daley situation'. Charlie: 'she knows I've got issues with not thinking before I speak.' TRY THINKING BEFORE YOU SPEAK THEN.
Callum is going to put his foot down 'briefly'. That was smooth, Callum, real smooth.
Charlie is saying sorry, despite Dexter saying she wouldn't. Charlie: 'yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.' STOP SAYING THAT.
Look how good Hazel looks compared to Charlie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hazel is being quite reasonable.
Following task. Well, it's not like they can get away from each other, is it? They can't pop down the shops.
Twins can barely fit in that Diary Room chair anymore. They're having to take it on an angle now.
My boyfriend just went 'Where's Dan?' Good question.
Here's a classic example of them talking about being famous afterwards. You're not going to be! The twins don't class themselves as TV personalities. That's lucky. Dexter: 'we've signed our own death warrants.' Not quite.
Nominations! I don't know who's up. I normally do. Is there a twist?!
Gina nommed Jack and Joe and Hazel. I notice she didn't nominate Dexter.
Even Sophie is getting involved in the twins actressy arguments now. As if two doing it wasn't bad enough.
Charlie is nominating Callum. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Why don't you tell Callum how you feel about him if he's bugging you! Charlie can't have 'in depth conversations' in front of the twins. Does she mean endlessly banging on about themselves? Those twins should walk in more often. Charlie didn't nominate Hazel, even after cucumbergate. Good.
The twins are nominating Dexter! Haven't they got the memo yet? OMG I just realised no one's nominating Hazel! LOL! They must realise she's a shoe in to go?! These people have got NO GAME. Their strategy is nil.
I'd LOVE to see Callum, Charlie and the twins up! Deadwood fire! Callum and Sam are in the 'lad's banter' chairs.
Hazel put up Callum for not sticking up for her. Fence sitter! Ooh, Hazel didn't nominate Charlie either. Interesting. Dexter votes. She didn't even nominate Gina. She must know it's pointless.
Dexter, desperate: 'I need a cuddle.' Dexter, get the hint, you freak. Charlie must wear some AMAZING perfume because I have NO CLUE what they see in her.
Sam nominated Sophie! Those safe house bonds are strong. Dexter's picking up a few. I don't think he'll go, though.
Sophie nominated cringebag Callum for sexually assaulting the 'spray tannist' and Hazel (boo).
Callum nommed Dexter and said 'he should be arrested because it must be illegal to talk that much crap.' He's been working on that one. Should have had a word in Dan's ear when he was in there. I knew Callum would nominate Hazel because it's a kiss-ass vote to Charlie.
Dexter nominated Callum and the twins. That means Hazel, Callum, twins and Dexter are up. I wish it was vote to save and then Callum would go. I wish Hazel had dodged that bullet this week. I hope it's a double eviction.
The twin getting stroked by Hazel and Charlie is gross.
Gina: 'would you rather sleep with Jackie than Jemima?' We know Sam's answer!
Dexter sounds like he's warming up for some 'journey' talk. Check! Even Gina is jumping on the 'we're the outsiders' bandwagon. It's too knowing.
Dexter: 'seven weeks on the block is a joke.' Try changing your strategy then! It's not up to you who others put up.
LOL they're showing the noms on the screens. Hilarious! There's going to be some good fall out from this. Brilliant! If Callum still sniffs round Charlie after this it would be embarrassing. Get the message, Callum. Stay away from her. I don't think they showed Callum what Sophie said about the spray tans assault?
The reasons Hazel were nominated weren't bad at all. They were strategy votes definitely.
Gina: 'they didn't show the things I said that were nice.' That's cos there weren't any. Ha, that was really funny. Good stuff. Callum looks like he's going to EXPLODE! Bet Charlie and Hazel are pleased they didn't nom each other. Looking foward to the live feed!

Big Brother 2013: You haven't done anything wrong

Nominations plus the Daley fall out; this should be a good show. I've pinpointed what it is that's made this series so good and it's that few big characters being evicted. It could be a VERY different show without Gina, Dexter and even Dan. BB have fiddled with the noms quite a lot, but I think it's paid off.
So Hazel did go back to the safe (!) house after nutgate. The pitchfork crowd will be up in arms! I've literally been defending her all day to WOMEN who think she's responsible for words that come out of Daley's mouth (not even including what he did physically). It's a sad, bitter, petty sexist world we live in.
So glad I don't have to hear Daley's aggressive, horrible voice anymore. Except for when he's on BOTS later and no doubt pretending he's sorry after being told to. I bet a million pounds Hazel still gets dragged through the mud. Let me very clear: I do not LIKE Hazel. But that has NOTHING to do with what Daley did and the sort of man Daley is. Let's not fudge the two issues.
Kick out times again! I wonder if this conversation with Hazel and Dan really took place at the same time as Daley was in the DR. Interesting Hazel said she'd gone off him. Trust Charlie to ruin that conversation. She ruins everything. She's ruining two hairstyles at once on the one head.
Notice they didn't show him slagging off Hazel again! Just jog on in your little shorts, Daley.
I was pleased to hear Hazel say she doesn't want the drama in her life before she even knew he had gone. I knew she wouldn't stand for his crap. She's a ball-buster.
Interesting they kicked Daley out THEN gave Hazel a warning. And we didn't get to see the warning. Ah, I know why. Cos they told her not to tell the other housemates about what Daley did. Right?
Also interesting how in denial the housemates were about the announcement Daley was leaving. They haven't got a clue, have they?
Hazel: 'why are you looking at me? How do I know what the rules are?' Haven't you read the rule book? Vinnie Jones was all over it.
Twins; 'he's not done anything that serious.' How the FUCK do you know, you presumptuous little twits? He could have punched or sexually assaulted Hazel in the SH for all you know, you don't see EVERYTHING! You don't KNOW everything. They are insensitive little twerps. It's not like BB just throws someone out for no reason.
Dan feel like it's real. Dan has spoken.
Dexter, don't blub about Daley. I'm sure you'll be bro's on the outside, bruv (well...)
Notice how Dan's first conclusion was that 'he'd tried it on hard' ie. sexually assaulted her. Daley can't be a stand up chap for that to be the first thing for a fellow housemate to think, can he? Was sad when Hazel said 'I'm going to be in so much trouble' because it's true, she is, unjustly, and she will blame herself, too.
I'd like to have that cuddle with Dan if I was feeling down. I think he can be a good friend. Quite firm at times, but fair (mainly).
I thought Hazel was quite fair in the retelling of the story, she didn't embellish it. I cried then when she told that story. She didn't mean for that to happen. I don't think he did either, but it doesn't matter, HE IS THE ONE WHO DID IT. Have we got that yet?
Dan ALMOST said 'I told you so' but resisted.
That was quite nice when Big Brother said to Hazel 'you don't always have to be fine.'
Will Dan keep the secret?
Hazel on Daley: 'I hope he'll be OK.' Daley on Hazel last night: 'She's a devious person.' Prediction of Daley on BOTS tonight: 'I'm sorry, I was under a lot of stress etc.'
How could anyone defend a man who's first thought when being ejected was to blame his victim? It makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm glad Gina interrupted Charlie's boring girl-band tales by getting attacked by some wildlife.
I don't see why Hazel can nominate; Dexter and Gina couldn't last week.
NOMS! Twins did Dexter and Callum and I wrote that before they even spoke. I hate their speaking in unison in the DR, it's not cute. I would like to see them shown the door this week.
Callum did Dexter, probably because he's got better dress sense that him. Yay, he did Jackie, too. Don't blame him, she treats him like crap. Yeah he wants Charlie to 'come out of her shell'. Come out of her knickers more like.
Jackie nommed Gina for being unhygienic. Don't you get it, Gina is not going to go? Are you stupid or something, Grandma? She nominated Callum for being too keen to ride the bike when people need to do their hair. Callum; YOU BASTARD. You're no better than Hitler!
Was nice when one of those twins cuddled Hazel. I hope they've not been going on at her about what the reason is. Hazel looks good with that high ponytail. So what if Daley's Sam's best friend! He's GONE!
Back to noms: Sophie did Callum for being 'biggy big bollocks' whatever than means. She also did Dexter because she's a prick.
Charlie: 'there's some really great people in here, it's hard to nominate.' Gina: laughs in her face. I love Gina!
Dan nommed Callum. Oh God, are they STILL going on about Callum's audition tape three weeks later? That should be invalid! GET OVER IT.
Ooh, Dan nommed the twins over DEXTER. Brilliant. But he hates Joe more. I still don't know who's who, but Joe, you've fucked it for Jack. Oh, Joe's the fatter one. I think the fatter one is the gay one?! I don't know, though.
Sam nominated Dexter. Aw, that makes me sad after the chat I saw with them the other night. Ha, he called Dexter 'smarmy.' Dexter is smarmy, a bit. Sam also nominated Gina. Haven't you worked out Dexter and Gina aren't worth nominating?
Gina nommed Jackie in Nikki Grahame style. Gina nominated the twins! Yes, glad she didn't nominate Dexter. Ah, Gina likes Jack more than Joe, too. Joe, you're dragging the twin alliance down, mate.
Charlie nominated Callum because she's a heartless bitch. I hate the way she goes on between him and Dexter. Ooh, she nominated the twins, too. Ha, she nominated the twins for calling her boring. Well, they called that right. Twins got more than I thought.
Hazel looks good today, like a wronged Lara Croft. She nominated Gina and Callum.
Why is Charlie going sniffing round Callum after she nommed him? I really don't like her.
Dexter's noms: Callum (because he wants to fuck Charlie). Dexter is nominating Callum for being manipulative! That's rich. Oh no, Dexter nominated Gina! Disappointed face. D&G is ovah!
Dexter's getting told off by him - sorry, Charlie's - mum. Chip-gate! Sam's face during the Jackie and Dexter's argument was funny. Jackie is enjoying arguing with Dexter!
I don't know why Callum is surprised to be up. I love Gina's reactions to nominations. I'd be up every week if I was in that house, too! I don't know why Hazel is hugging Callum, she nominated him.
Twins: 'it's obvious who's done it.' Jackie: 'Jack and Joe, you will not go. That's 100%.' Move over, Wolfy, there's a new optimist in town!
Good to see the twins UTC and depressed a bit; they're quite happy to put Dexter on the rack every week.
Ah, they're doing reverse psychology: 'we knew we wouldn't make it to the final.' At least the twins can go stuff their faces to their hearts content when they leave. That's all they care about anyway.
Callum: 'I'm done with this house anyway. I'm not done with it, I'd love to stay.'
I thought Gina was going to laugh about the twins faces when she said they were up, but she said she felt bad! Gina is in proper 'It's so cooooooooooold' mode tonight.
Twin about Dexter: 'if there's any justice he will leave.' No, if there's any justice, it will be a double and we can kick out two for the price of one with you are your sour-faced brother, plus the mother no one asked for. Vote twins and Jackie to save Gina and Dexter, please.
Oh God, time for the Daley show. I need a drink.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The jetlag defence

Save Spencer and Heidi! I've phoned twice, I think that's my limit. So today my 'research' found that Spencer was touting a sex tape of Heidi and one of those twins Denise Welch sexually assaulted last year when they split up. That's true love, right? It's probably why she got back with him, just to shut him up.
My boyfriend wants Frankie out and thinks people might forget to vote for him. Plus it would serve him right for thinking he's so popular he'll stay in. I'm not so sure, I'm pretty sure Paula's a goner.
Crowd are chanting 'get Paula out'. That will be good for her mental illness. Drop her out!
The thing with Heidi and Spencer is they've threatened shit, but they've not done anything except be a bit frigid and controlling. They were even bigging up Toadfish yesterday. Where's our super villians? Toadfish probably thinks that's gonna win him the show. Which goes to show how little he knows.
Shit-stir task! I love the shit-stir tasks. And Heidi gets to pick on Lacey. Gunge is a bit 80s, though.
Razor on Gillian covered in gunk: 'like her face when she got out of the Range Rover.' Gillian was quite a good sport about that. Razor hasn't bugged me as much as I thought he was going to so far.
Is Paula actually helping out on this task? Or just piously telling Heidi's she's got everything wrong?
What did Paula do in Take That's last video? Make the tea?
'If you said you fell in a ditch, she'd say she fell off a cliff.' Paula: 'I don't even know what that means.' Get a sense of humour, you miserable cow. ALL of them have said similar things about Paula. Negative?! Fucking hell, she should know. Get her out! Paula got a bigger boo after that. She's got her coat on, so she's obviously ready to roll. I wanted to see what dirt they said about Heidi and Spencer in that task.
Vote beg. Will Heidi and Spencer even do it? Rylan: 'say something about horses.' Heidi and Spencer: the jetlag defence. I'm surprised they even bothered. Spencer didn't get a word in edgeways.
Paula looks nice with a bit of slap on.
The first thing out of Sam's mouth this week and he says 'trollop'. Should have kept that mouth shut, you sexist dick.
It's grannies bathtime; mind the gap. Don't worry, I'm an equal opportunities hater; Razor is more grotesque than all of them. Paula is being a bit aggressive with that bottle. Seal off the area.
What is Rylan squirting at people? Crisp and dry?
Gillian's non-blowjob account is about as realistic as Paula's 'swerved to avoid a deer' story.He had pancreatic problems and he undid his trousers? WTF. Lacey: 'so what if you did.' LOL. 'We can't lie, everyone's done it.' Speak for yourself! That made me laugh. I would like to have seen a close up on Heidi's face when she said that.
Yeah let that trollop Sam push the button. Fail, fail, fail! They passed! See Razor's tattoo? 'To dare is to do.'
Can I just make my position on onesies clear? They are vile. They suit no one. They are babygros for adults. We will look back and laugh at all those who ever zipped themselves into one. Not even skinny people look good in them. Here ends the onesie speech.
Paula: 'you're a jockey, what the hell do you know?' What 'career' does Paula have? Tabloid nutcase.
Rylan's hair looks AWFUL. It's too black. I'd like to see his ginger roots.
Spencer in the Diary Room: 'I wouldn't want to hang out with us, either.' Ha. Hold on, what about the jetlag? Have they still got it? Did they change their mind overnight?
Kevin Bacon would be good in CBB. I think he costs a bit too much, though.
What the fuck is with these Neighbours adverts with Toadfish in? It's like brainwashing!
If you're watching on Channel 5 plus 1, go fuck yourself.
Paula's got something for Heidi. Is it the stash? Why is Spencer always wearing teacher fleeces? Heidi is giving Paula a bracelet that's 'divine love from God and everything like that.' Cool. This is like Alcoholics Anonymous or something. It will be a shame to break up this party.
WTF is a karate license? Which colour belt is that? She's quite threatening! Hide the knives.
Frankie on Rylan on X Factor: 'another fucking dickhead putting it on.' Charming! Frankie needs to work on his 'reassurance'. He's really upset him! Ha. Drop me out, Rylan. Pull yourself together.
Notice how Frankie's getting a bad edit now the voting has closed? Skulduggery!
LOL to Razor telling it like it is, 'so you've upset him'. A bit of straight talk doesn't go awry in that house. Rylan: 'it was just a tired cry - I just needed five minutes.' Rylan's looking pasty.
Rylan to Paula: 'you keep me sane.' Enough said.
Natalie Cassidy: get off my screen or I'll get my mascara out. What's going on with her fringe? Honestly, she was on The Wright Stuff this week, too. The only place I want to see Natalie Cassidy is on Very Important People and I think they've cancelled that show (boo). A Natalie Cassidy advert followed by an advert about tackling 'soapscum'. These jokes write themselves.
Brian: 'I'm actually quite excited.' Don't go overboard. 'Get Paula out.' There's nothing wrong with her ears, is there.
Why has she come out in John McCruick's hat? Diet Coke! It is a bit of a shame she's gone considering how much deadwood there is in the house, but I suppose it's to be expected and at least it wasn't the terrible twosome. That was the shortest time before an ad break ever. It's like watching US TV.
Is that Brian's earpiece we can hear? That could be interesting! How does he concentrate with that in his ear? Notice it was all the dullards who voted Paula out.
The crowd shouting 'who are ya?' Charming! Is that it for Paula's interview? That was about three seconds. 'Off, off, off, off!' We're a charming bunch, you can see why Alex Jones hates us all. Why does Paula hate Frankie so much?
Paula looks livid watching her best bits. Start blaming the editing!
This twist is going to be good because everyone's going to be slagging them off when they're in the 'bedsit'. God save the Queen! LOL and they get immunity next week! Hilarious. I'm looking forward to seeing the new basement. What does that house smell like?!
LOL to Spencer dismissing Heidi's strategy. So what was the twist going to be if Spencer and Heidi weren't saved? FIX, etc. Do you think they had a Paula-style basement set up too? No. I think it will the be like the 'crypt'; TV gold, except this WILL be TV gold. Could do with some live feed now!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: My brain had gone all rubbery

Don't you just love it when your Sky planner misses off the first part of your favourite show? Paula's brain has gone 'all rubbery'. Take that sheepskin hat off, then. Her 'products' do just revolve around sheep shearing, don't they? Somewhere in Wales, there's a field of sheep, shivering. And somewhere just above Wales, there's a spaceship full of sheep, zooming off into the galaxy. Baaaaaaaaaa!
The randomiser machine: is that just Guinevere by a different name? Set of balls number one! I hope there's an independent adjudicator present. I always think that independent adjudicator on Deal or No Deal has the cushiest job ever. She seals boxes. It's just like working for Amazon, but she gets to hang out with Noel Edmonds, too. Win.
Heidi's got a bad mood task face on! How come they didn't get Heidi to pass the item it to a boy and see if Spencer kicked off? I've met girls like Heidi before; insecure bags of slop who think every woman on the planet fancies her boyfriend/ husband, whatever it is. Don't worry, Barbie, no one fancies it! I think Spencer is enjoying the jealousy. Bet he wouldn't want to go mouth to nearly-mouth with Rylan.
Heidi is 'not OK'. Aint that the truth. I hate it when people say 'inappropriate' in the Big Brother house! Nothing is inappropriate in the Big Brother house except racism, all the other isms and violence. Heidi's a bit of a cunt, isn't she? She simpers enough to him, but then takes out all her rage she's holding in on others.
Of course Spencer 'doesn't want to do it'. Is he growing that beard again? Ban the bum fluff! When is he going to have HIS surgery? He fucking needs it. Heidi did a cry-trip. LOL.
Spencer smirking in the DR. 'Big Brother doesn't care about marriages.' Nor do you, haven't you been married three times? What is that red shirt Spencer is wearing? He looks like a fucking elf.
This task is dumb. Are they trying to poison the housemates this year? I'm surprised Heidi and Spencer are doing it. I wouldn't put that pig's tongue in my mouth for a million quid. What is this, I'm a Celebrity? I'm not interested in people eating gross stuff. That's not what Big Brother is about. Who threw up in the sick bag?! That fish is so gross. I would rather die.
LOL Spencer just yacked. Hilarious. Thought they were going to throw this task! I think they were enjoying it. They're quite competitive in a way.
'And no kissing!' cheers the chipmunk. I'd rather my boyfriend snogged Lacey and wore her pants on his head than I had to put a bull's penis in my mouth.
LOL, Razor and Claire are 'thinking about working out.' Like the Chawners! I watched seven of those 'Chawners last chance' shows about Britain's 'fattest family' in a row. I loved their excuses for not exercising: 'It's a bank holiday', 'Peter Andre's show is on.' Then the girls were saying they walked for four hours a day and they were eating 600 calories whilst piling the pounds on. Then one grassed the other up for eating a million scones. The dad was the biggest joke though refusing to work in a florists as he had to work for a woman and it would make him 'look like a poof.' Lovely, lovely people. Actually the girl's are OK, they just need to run for their LIVES. Literally. RUN!
Heidi's 'the happiest she's ever been in her life'. Really?
Rylan, you get what you want, and you never want it again. The great goddess Courtney Love wrote these words and she's not often wrong (well...)
Heidi's got a big butt on her, are those implants? Rylan: 'She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.' Even Toadfish is brighter than that dumb bitch. Imagine if Rylan met Will Self, or even Nicky Campbell. His brain would explode.
I suppose Rylan IS a Brian Belo type, but I loved Brian Belo, and all the hate for him puzzles me. Brian and Samanda were legends. Funny, guileless, dumb as fuck. Entertaining housemates! Why would people moan about entertaining housemates? It's like people who hated Nikki Grahame; or morons, as I like to call them. You couldn't write a character like her. Fair enough when she went back in she played up to her stereotype, but that was Big Brother's fault, not hers. They created that monster. I liked her and Pete's romance. That improbably small girl and large willy. *goes misty eyed*
Anyway, I digress. Paula is hanging out with some pebbles. Fair enough. Makes a change from the coconut.
This is another task that looks dangerously close to kissing. Heidi's got her stony face on. Paula: 'you've got to respect religion, you've got to respect their vows.' FUCK OFF. I don't respect killjoys, it's a just a stupid game. That said, I wouldn't want to lock lips with Razor Ruddock. Paula looks like a puffa fish. She's desperate to stay in, bless her.
LOL to Toadfish sticking up for Heidi and Spencer's 'religion'. Has there ever been a man more aptly named than Toadie? Get him a fucking fence to sit on! What IS their religion? Scientology? They're pretty weird Christians. Having said that, Christians love a tear up, don't they? I think Spencer has brainwashed the housemates as well as Heidi! Careful, they'll all be found dead under blankets come morning after drinking Spencer's 'Jesus Juice'. Except Spencer, of course. He'll be like, 'Did I say the world was going to end? I meant my career...'
Claire is getting the Basshunter/Lady Sovereign in a drawer treatment. Except it's not as funny. You can't recreate those magic moments, like Alex Reid vs the snowman.... aiishhhhhhhh! Where's the Tree of Temptation? In Big Brother Australia they had this cockney fish called Surly who was like the Tree of Temptation, he was lush. I've still not finished watching that show. But goddammit, I will! I'm on the final fortnight, ay. 
They could have at least played a decent Steps song in the torture room. Oh...
Uh oh, stealing food/drink NEVER goes down well. Mind you, there's enough of them sharing it; what have they got, one beer? Rylan: 'Paula wouldn't want to be woken up, even if there was a fire.' It looks like that ship has already sailed, tbh.
Is there an eviction tomorrow?! Bring it on, baby. I'll get the old boot in, you can bring the bull's willy.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Nom-cry

Hello, I've been out drinking woo woo's so who knows how this will go. So I already know who's up for nomination because I watched BOTS, and I'm pretty sure Psycho Kid and his moll will survive up against Paula. Why do they get up so early in the morning? WTF is he doing in the garden? Heidi 'likes everyone'. Only if Spencer says so. I like the fact they have collective and not individual nerves to get on. These two are one piece of work. Spencer is such a kiss arse, pretending he's interested in Frankie's plane crash. Spencer is only interested in one thing; mind control. Alivina the chipmunk is excited about nominations. She'll be excited when she gets all ten votes.
Paula crashed her car 'to avoid Bambi.' Yeah, OK. Frankie 'allegedly' failed the drug test. Doesn't seem like there's much allegedly about it.
People who make anagrams out of words i.e. 'bitch' bore me senseless. Same with people who quote things, talk in proverbs or riddles. Just come up with something original, you drongo, as Toadfish would say. You dags!
Rylan is going to be hammy about nominations, isn't he? Ham, ham, ham. He needs to cool it a bit. Nominating Lacey equals eliminating the competition for Sam! He doesn't like Lacey interrupting 'serious conversations.' What serious conversations is Rylan having? The abortion limit? Quantitative easing? Syria?
Sam doesn't like the middle-aged harridans. Fair enough. He's just as dull, he's just prettier.
Interesting hearing Gillian talk as I don't think I've heard a word out of her yet. She didn't nominate Heidi and Spencer for genuine reasons. Just say they're arseholes. I like her voice.
Tricia nominated Sam. It's like the bland leading the bland. Paula is fucking boring. Me, me, me, me. Namedrop, namedrop, namedrop. Get rid! Interesting Lacy nominated Claire. I wonder what's going on there?
I like Paula describing Heidi and Spencer as caviler. That's a good word to describe them. Sam's getting a decent amount of nominations for someone so inoffensive. Maybe his inoffensiveness is offensive.
Paula: 'I've got an amazing nose.' Claire is doing some good 'harrumphing'. Probably not good to criticise someone's cooking mid-nominations, Paula. Claire is doing a nom-cry. She seems quite depressed in general. Paula is just plain annoying. I can't imagine anyone voting to save her.
I miss Toadfish's mohawk. He's probably not had it for about 15 years. Ah, Razor is one of those 'I'm trying to sleep' nominators, ie. a killjoy.
Is Heidi going to get to speak during these nominations? Oh, she did. That was gracious of him.
I like the way they gave out the numbers for the nominations, that put a nice little spin on it. They do that on the Australian show, too and it shit-stirs quite well. I think Spencer might go a bit 'Incredible Hulk' now.
Spencer has 'a feeling we're going to win.' Hmm. Not sure about that. 'The universe is quite strange.' True.
LOL to Rylan pretending to be in a relationship with David Beckham. 'Dave, give me a break.' Rylan: 'He could do worse.' Razor: 'He has.' Haha. Take that, Posh!
Paula: 'I'm going to pack and go now.' Fuck off then, you old toad. I'm tired of her histrionics already. She's such a martyr. She IS like Jasmine Leonard's mum.
Spencer whispering in Heidi's ear that no one likes her. Control freak alert! No one likes YOU, gimp.
Paula: 'this is going to affect my brand.' What brand? Toothless alcoholic?
Paula's going to 'jump the wall.' I hear members of Steps make good stepladders. Probably H is more useful than Claire, though. Paula: 'Big Brother, you've ruined my life.' Big Brother didn't vote for you, you old soak. It was your housemates!
Rylan: 'chop me out, drop me out': Stop it!
Paula to Big Brother: 'Stop talking like that, talk in your normal voice.' The Australian Big Brother would have no truck with that! When he gets pissed off with the housemates, he just sets the DR door to open automatically, it's so good.
What 'products' did Paula want to launch? Sheepskin coats? God, she's so spoilt. I can't bear it. 'I was really into helping you making this a great show.' Don't flatter yourself, you ninny.
Spencer is right in a way, it is in our hands, but the more he brags about being saved, the less people will vote for his annoying plate-face and his blow-up wife.
You don't have to be 'highly intelligent' to work out you're going home, Paula. Even Lacey could work it out. I think Paula is highly narcissistic. She's damaged goods, completely. It's a bit sick having her in there in a way, but no sicker than Trevor and Little Mo.
Is that fleece part of Spencer's own wardrobe? 'Magic kiss'? I'll pass.
Why is Paula blaming the women in the house for nominating her? Batshit crazy, that's why. She needs to get her head out of her arse. And off my screen. G'night!

Big Brother 11: 'What fucking hope have we got?'

I watched yesterday's live feed (well, a soupçon) and John did apologise to him, not that they showed it. Ben is really getting his knickers in a twist. Did Mario once have a personality? Where did it go? I think he left it in the mole hole.
HOLD ON. John would do pants adverts when he leaves? 'You've got to take any opportunity'... didn't Rachael say the EXACT SAME THING and got bellowed into eviction? The hypocrisy is startling.
No shit John James has got low self-esteem. Aw, he got picked on by mean girls at school. I'm going to start calling him Little-John, which works as two separate insults in one. Josie looked pleased with herself; like she'd cracked the rubix-cube enigma of John.
Ooh noms and I don't know who's up. It's gotta be Ben. He's in serious trubs this week. I'm surprised they even let him vote he's been talking so much shit about nominations. I've not seen Mario streaking! I'd like to.
Surely Ben, Govan and Shabby up? They're the biggest shitstirrers in the house. Ben vs Shabby would be sweet.
Nathan nominated Sunshine for being a vegan. Mean. And Ben for being posh, let's be honest.
Sunshine might as well have thrown her votes into the fire.
NO NOMINATIONS FOR JOHN JAMES! Not one! He can literally do whatever he pleases and no one minds. Aw, it's just little John, throwing his toys out of the pram. NO HE IS A PSYCHO.
LOL at the tree calling her Scabby. Ha, that's a brilliant task making Shabby suck up to Ben. So she's going to sell out her principles, yeah? Anarchy. What a bell-end.
Poor Ben giving it the 'woe is me' speech in the face of Shabby's bullshit. Ha, Shabby doing the thousand-yard stare whilst Ben goes on and on. Classic. Ben being led up the garden path... still, this could help his cause.
Smoking is more important than being a vegan! Haha. Priorities.
Poor BEN! He's a sweetie really. Do you think Shabby was counting to 60 when she was doing that hug?
I love the fact that one of Shabby's compliments to Ben was that Ben 'was an excellent dick'. She actually did really well on the compliment front. Not being able to admit that will KILL HER. And Keever is pleased with Shabby for making the effort with Ben! Delicious taskage.
Wow that dinner date was really awkward at first! Poor Keever. Poor Keever's boyfriend. Poor us having to watch it. Is Keever pissed now and succumbing to Shabby's charms? Goodness. I reckon I would twig after that that Shabby had been acting all day. Or is Shabby's personality so superficial that they would buy she would just turn like that?
Garlic tiger prawns and coffee cheese cake. Excuse me whilst I vomit into my satchel.
Cry, Shabby, cry into your bowler hat. I want to see her eyeliner run.
God, Keever sounds so Irish when she's drunk! I kind of agree with Shabby that I think Keever IS interested now. Weird tension. Interesting.
Shabby: 'Lesbians have feelings too'! Keever isn't straight though, she's bi. I think Keever is trying to be kind, if anything. I hope she's not keeping her options open. Surely not?
Shabby's in shit with the tree! That end bit was funny. She's in trubs. There's only one thing for it; send Shabby home. Or Dave. Or Govan. Just not Ben.

Big Brother 11: First blood

I saw them get called for nominations on the live feed and Shabby actually cheered. Let's see if she'll be cheering afterwards (clue: she won't).
Mario is in the closet. Bless. Corin does look sun-damaged (ie. 40). She seems quite nice, though.
Verruca talk! Are they trying to evoke the spirit of Jade? Sunshine isn't exactly going to have the streets lined with chavs when she drops dead. I don't think David Cameron would give a word of appreciation either.
Sunshine is really abrupt! Can't she take a joke? She's so fucking po-faced, dreary, joyless. Woah, check out Ben's hair. That is a fantastic comb-over. It reminds me of Rex's ice-cream do. STOP WHINING, SUNSHINE.
I watched a bunch of live feed today as I was off work and it was just hours and hours of Govan shit-stirring. I really don't want to hear his voice any more. Big Brother should tape up his gob for a task. I do agree with him that Sunshine acts hard done by. Still, I think I'd rather be stuck in a lift with Sunshine than him.
I see Big Brother is giving them the washing tablets I've got; £1.25 from Somerfield. Score.
I seriously think John James fancies Josie. He goes a bit coy around her. I think she thinks he's out of her league.
Govan spouts bullshit at about 15 words per second. I'm just mentally switching off now.
Mario wringing his hands whilst perving over Ben is slightly disturbing. Nathan just said his one line per show.
Dave; oh dear oh dear. If your opinion is against same sex marriage, then fucking spit out what your problem is. Don't backtrack and shy away saying it's controversial whilst sitting next to Mario. Arsehole. You've got about as much chance of winning this as I have.
Nominations! At last. Finally we get to see where the loyalties lie. Ben's cake shorts rule, btw. Ooh, they are counting the nominations for us. Normally I have to try and work it out. It's like Deal or No Deal when they put up the past offers. I don't blame Ben for nomming Sunshine over Verruca Gate #2. Keever's nominations seemed pretty agreeable. Corin's voice made me glad she's generally not getting shown. I'm surprised Dave didn't nominate Mario for being a fag.
Ife nominating Steve; a waste of a vote. But why did she vote him? She was being coy. I reckon she don't want to look at his metal legs no more.
John James either HATES Fiancee or is in love with her, he was sticking it to her so bad last night. He's got some serious issues with women.
Josie nominated Dave for being a homophobe. Good. I like Josie more lately.
Nathan nominated Ben! Classist. I'm not surprised he doesn't give a shit about you, you look like a (half) shaved chimp.
Wow, these nominations are endless. Shabby is wack. Whack. Wack. Whatever. Shabby, man, she's such an urchin. She blows my mind with her maverick ways. LOL to Steve calling her fake. Correct.
I wonder who will go home this week? I think it might be Shabby. I could imagine her inspiring more motivation in voters than Sunshine.
Onion gate. It really does makes me want to cry. Ben discussing 'dobbing' was hilarious. The way he talks is so great.
Govan: 'can I just finish?' NO! STFU! Vicky Pollard on speed is not an acceptable role model. He's such a prink. He gets off on confrontation. When John James started bitching about Fiancee on the live feed, Govan was virtually jumping up and down with joy. Wrong 'un. Please stop giving him such a long edit, he's really off-putting.
Argh look at Sunshine's FACE. Listen to her voice! WHINE WHINE WHINE. SHUT UP.
Ah, here's the short version of what I saw. John hates Fiancee because she's not into him! Simple. She wouldn't inspire so much rage otherwise. He's deeply misogynistic. I'm scared Josie is going to end up with her heart broken.
OK, here's my plan: let's take Govan and Sunshine down to the river, tape them together, put them in a bag, and see if they float. They don't? Whoops.

Big Brother 10: I'm 200% staying

I could barely stand blogging it tonight; the bastard factor towards Freddie was just too much. But then things happened I wanted to comment on, so I guess something's working in a weird way.
It's actually uncomfortable to watch now. Fetch my gun; Karly needs a bullet in the head (and lets just tape her mouth up whilst we're at it). Her attitude in that task stank. Rodrigo's singing was funny though, but he's such a prima-donna.
I liked it when Freddie went to the toilet and effectively spoke to 'us'. He knows what's going on, and it's not a gameplan, Lisa, you mouth-on-a-stick, it's called having a brain. If he can stick it out, the world's his.
Freddie trying to reason with Kris was just painful. Kris is just a cunt, that's all he is, just pondlife. If I was his mother and I'd given birth to such a vacuous troll, I'd be forced to invent time-travel and fuck off back to 1985 to get sterilised. Freddie isn't patronising you, you're just an amoeba, curly top. How can Freddie keep calm? Three people took a pop at him in one day! Then Kris goes, 'you've been up three times'. He's also been SAVED three times. Make that four this friday.
Omg Sree in the ice cream task. What a disaster. He was a disaster awake, and a double-disaster half asleep. Some people just can't function first thing, can they? I like the fact Marcus was still being acerbic despite being half asleep.
Siavash provided the lols again, but walked off when Kris started, so minus points for that.
I just started following Davina on FB. She had a go at Kris. Good. Having said that, Davina should be impartial, but Big Mouth has destroyed that myth anyway.

Big Brother 10: Yes Sree Can

I did begin blogging yesterday but it was so tedious I just gave up. Kris was exceptionally nasty to Freddie, I know that much.
Nominations! Time for Charlie to act the goat. Hmm, Siavash; another interesting outsider chosen. It's bland or bugger off in that place.
Halfwit has missed a trick nominating Lisa in my opinion. How can he not have nominated Kris? Still, I'd be happy to see Lisa up.
Here's an aside. McCoys... man's crisps... what a load of bullshit. I've been eating that shit for years, and I aint no geezer. They'll have Danny Dyer advertising them next. 'Here...'
Unimaginative housemates nominating Freddie. Don't they get it yet?
How come Sophie gets drinks for free? It's not because she's a girl, it's because she doesn't wear much. There's a difference.
Sree doesn't even know when to shut up around nomination time. He's relentless.
I'm not even commenting on the Jedi/Phillipines conversation, it's beneath contempt.
Noirin FINALLY nominated Sree! Thank God. Rodrigo's reason for nominating Freddie was rubbish.
YAY Siavash nominated KRIS! Hallelujah! Siavash just pitched his tent on the side of good. He's now in my top three. Yesssssss! Buh bye Sree! Although I'd still rather see six other people go before Sree.
Sree nommed Noirin. Shame he's not going to be around to make that count later.
This programme seemed exceptionally long. The last half an hour was pretty pointless. I feel like the producers have given up, like they've forgotten to put new housemates in, or rejig the noms. There was one year when you couldn't move for nomination 'twists'. Where are they now, to oust the numpties?

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: The First Noms (This is MY house)

Madonna looks like a bag of crisps?! That's one bag of crisps I wouldn't eat.
So, the first nominations. Ah, Ben of A3 fame hasn't thought of anyone to nominate. Make the following words into one 8-letter-word: shit bull. He didn't exactly hesitate when he got in the diary room, did he?
And so we find out what they are really thinking. Blaming Tina for him being quiet in the house is a bit rich; she didn't form his personality. And voting Mutya over Coolio! Bad boy.
Coolio voted Ulrika 'to take her superior arse home' and Michelle 'because she has a decent body.' Uh?! That's the weirdest nomination ever.
La Toya tried to give some lame reason for nominating Ulrika, but she quickly enough came out with 'she's bossy and has hatred in her face.' Harsh! That's not hatred, it's botox. Besides, I'd rather have hatred in my face than someone else's skin colour on my entire body.
Finally; nominations to agree with! Michelle voted Tina and Coolio. Notice how she said 'something on Ben's side from me.' She is coming off kind of passive-aggressive bunny-boiler-ish.
I like Mutya! Tommy is annoying; why didn't he get more nominations? OMG Mutya nominated Verne!!! Get ready to get blasted on BBLB. You don't fuck with the golden goose, you dwarfist!!! Heads will ROLL. PS. Why the fuck didn't she nominate Coolio?
Terry nominated Michelle for being touchy and then projected over Ulrika. I think Ulrika liked him very much on Day 1. Terry just saw green. He enjoyed those nominations, didn't he? I still want him to be my pick, but he has got a right narky side.
What's with Tina's hat? Is it fetish-wear? Nominating Michelle for being 'shallow' when she actually meant 'thin'. And that aint no lie! And Ben! Poor puppy. He is a boring bastard though. Although I thought his story about the date was fair. I hate gold-diggers.
Tommy nommed Ulrika aka EUREKA (if you're a dumbass). His nomination for her came off very controlling, brother. He also nominated Mutyargh. Why should she break into song for you, you dullard? And as for not cleaning! Put your apron on Mutty, make Tommy a sandwich, there's a good girl.
Er... why aren't more people nominating TINA??? And who's Gay Guevara T-shirt is that? The public needs to know!
Ulrika wreaked her revenge on Ben for being more popular than her in that previous vote, right. Her reasons for nominating him were a bit weird. I would definitely vote out La Toya if she was there. She gives me nightmares.
Verne nominated Ulrika-ka-ka for being controlling. OK, all the Americans hate her, so she must be doing something to rub people up the wrong way. I want to defend her but the evidence mounts up. Shame, really. THANK FUCK VERNE NOMINATED TINA! He could win the show just on that one nomination alone. I love you, Verne. Wanna make a porno?
I can't BELIEVE Coolio didn't get more votes. How bizarre! So; it's all girls up. It's gotta be Tina, RIGHT?
Ben said out of all the women La Toya was the sexiest? I think he should have gone to Specsavers.
Tina's glee at telling people their negatives!!! Imagine calling The Samaritans and getting her on the line. 'Just FOOKIN' kill yourself!'
OH GOD I'M SO BORED OF THE MICHELLE/ BEN/ COOLIO TRIANGLE OF DESPAIR! Ben, grow some balls and stick up for yourself and your 'friend'. Michelle was milking it, but for God's sake, that joke isn't funny anymore. She's not 'playing into his hands' by being pissed off, but I'm sick of the lot of 'em. Coolio is bullying Michelle because he fancies her. It's pathetic. I WOULD walk out if it was me, if she really wants to prove her feelings. But the lure of fame is too much. And Cuntio said as much. Still, the blaming the victim thing is wrong. And why should she leave, really?
Ah, Michelle was doing that crying you do when you're 6 with little gasps in between. Talk of 'MY BOYFRIEND' reminds me of Rex and 'MY GIRLFRIEND'. And we know how happy they were, right? So my solution is let's ship Michelle Heaton's boyfriend in and let's see what REAL love is.
Ben is such a wet rag of a man. His 'I think you need to apologise' line was pathetic. He's the kind of boyfriend you dread getting beaten up on a night out because you suspect he'd cry his eyes out and call up his mummy. (this sounds sexist; but you know it's true, so I may as well say it)
La Toya's genius theory that 'we expect that behaviour out of Coolio, so let's overlook it.' was just perfect. Yeah; I expect a bit of kiddy-fiddling out of Gary Glitter, so I've decided just to overlook it and let him babysit. Lawks!

Big Brother 9: If you want to go, go.

It doesn't seem like a week since last nominations. Darnell IS volatile now. BB is depressing me. I don't want Dale to be liked! It's rub. I can feel a sulk coming on.
I'd actually be quite happy to see the back of Mohamed this week. He isn't happy in there and no one likes him. It would be a crime to lose Becks or Darnell over him.
I liked Mikey telling Rex there was nothing stopping him going home, it was class. My thoughts exactly. It's not prison, just get off your arse, and walk back to your orange girlfriend and pray she forgot about those couple of days when you were trying to get off with Steph. Remember I told you, Rexy.
I was annoyed that Darnell nominated Rebecca and Luke. They are cruel, but at least they're funny.
Why does BB they insist on calling Mikey Michael now, by the way? It's really annoying. I can't believe he hates Kat! What an arse. I hate Kat, but I'm allowed. She offers a lot more than Mikey does, anyhow. I hate it at the moment because I can't even take a side because I hate all the sides.
I hate the way Dale treats Rebecca, but I hate the way Rebecca treats herself too. I just had a quick look at Digital Spy, and it looks like she's going. I don't know why, because she was more popular than Mario, and he was cool.
God, I hate people.

Big Brother 9: Get Off The Fence

How interesting that the housemates complain about how awful it is to nominate, yet are willing to peel potatoes to be able to do it. Actually these housemates don't mither about nominating that much. And who could blame them. You'd want to nominate in bulk, wouldn't you?
Loved Lisa's story of seeing 'a green man'. A small, green man who was frightened of her and removed her tent for analysis. Barmy. She didn't react to them taking the piss at all. She's the alien in many ways. Did Belinda call Roswell Rock World, or did I have a complete brain spazz?
Darnell was right to nominate Rex in a way, he is being a dick. He just wants to go now. Walk then, Rex, you're not doing anyone a favour by staying, especially not your stupid orange girlfriend. Him bragging about money was crass. Zzzzz. PS. You look like a twat in that hat. And you ARE being mean.
Maysoon came off a bit prissy with her nominating. Becks is vulgar? No shit. At least she has a personality though. Same for Mohamed calling her vile. She is vile, but at least she provides some entertainment. I doubt if Mohamed's airtime even entertains his own family. Even him getting his leg stuck in the fence was dull as fuck.
So did they not let Luke nominate cos he was ill? Aw. I did miss Luke a bit tonight, and I thought I hated him.
Lisa. I don't know what the age is for not being allowed to have side ponytails (I'm still OK to have one, for example) but you're past it.
God, Rachel does sound boring, chick peas, grapes and her boyfriend, no wonder they never show her. It begs the question, why the fuck did the producers put her in? Retards.
Stuart! Scunt. Belinda does sound awful, interrogating people. And snoring. Get rid.
I thought it was bags of coke on the diary room chair but actually it was chips, which is considerably better. Rebecca looked like she might sob.
All the water fights and stuff is alright, but only if it ends in tears or someone being thrown out.
Tip for Rex: when someone goes 'you've got a wonderful life, why did you come in here?' try going 'my life isn't that great' rather than 'I've achieved all my goals so I wanted a break my life.' This level of arrogance is getting to slappable levels.
Oh and if you haven't read this, which I hadn't, due to internet laxness, you'd better, even though it's old. It's brill. He is so right about Mikey it hurts. Charlie, I love you.

Big Brother 9: Veins Everywhere

Mario, you are not allowed to say last in, first out! Naughty.
Dale... there's a reason Rex talks to you like you're stupid. I'll give you an hour to work it out. Good luck!
Jennifer is soooo prim. 'Mikey washed his 'area'- can she not even say WILLY? I wish she'd get over it. She's not that saintly.
Query: why does Mikey want the light off at night?
Mohamed and his three breakfasts! I wonder what he had? Why does everyone hate him SO MUCH, he seems harmless. I mean eating too much isn't as offensive as half the things said and done in there. I've got half an idea... *cough* (racists).
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. If only he was in any way likeable. But he's so annoying and unpleasant.
Rachel was right about Luke: he does go from group to group shit-stirring, I spotted that a while back. I like her, I wish they'd show her more. Still a wasted vote though.
Mario and Lisa's excercise sessions are SO weird. It's utterly unnatural to enjoy doing those weird things they do. I was pleased Mario didn't get loads of votes this week though.
Rex slightly hypocritical to vote Sylvia for for flirting when she has a boyfriend, as he did the same thing with Steph. I still like him though. He's my fave (except when he wears that Claire's Accessories style hoodie).
Dale has got a lovely turn of phrase: 'Rex talking with his dick out.' He's obsessed with dick. I loved the fact Rex was lying there. Dale is so thick he doesn't recognise faces now, and he's only got about 15 to remember in there. What a tool.
Loved Darnell tearing a strip off Luke. Luke looked well and truly exposed. He obviously thought the housemates were too thick to see it, so I'm pleased that at least a couple of people are onto him. But he's still good value.
I enjoyed Rex and Mohamed getting sent to jail like the hoodie thugs they are. Hehe.
Sylvia: subtle as a brick. Stuart: he should learn how to say 'NO'. I could probably think of something more boring than Sylvia's whispering campaign, but it doesn't exist on this earth. I literally zoned out for ten minutes. It's like hearing a chav slagging off her boyfriend on her mobile on the bus. Poor Stuart! Why don't I feel sorry for him!
Nice to see the two black people are up. Good old BB. If you're a girl, black, or even mildly mouthy- see ya. Whilst the moronic teens keep Dale in cos he's fit, innit! And then we get stuck with retard Ken and Barbie and fucking CookieCunt for three months.
Things I don't want to look at anymore: Jen's ratty hair extensions.

Big Brother 8: Kitchen Police

I just got back from Bright Eyes at Shepherds Bush and squeezed in BB on Sky Plus! What a trouper. Bright Eyes review to follow tomorrow.
A very strange BB tonight. It was quite sad to see Jonathan break down over his dead 104 year old grandma. I didn't expect that. He seems quite a tough guy. And no one can now diss him for his welching earlier in the week. So, bye Jonathan. You did the right thing to leave. Nicky looked absolutely THRILLED to be offering a comforting hug. It was touching when he left.
So Laura and Chanelle are up for the chop. I loved Brian's nominations: 'It's like Sunhill in here, the kitchen police'. Not as stupid as he looks at all. The rest of the nominations were pretty predictable. The knives seem well out for Ziggy and Chanelle.
I think Laura will go. She's an awful woman and has no sense of her own persona outside the house, if she truly thinks she's going to win it, she's deranged. I think she will be expecting Chanelle to go having labelled her a bunny boiler, but if anyone's got the rabbits on the gas it's Ziggy. Chanelle is cool and moody with him. Their row was vaguely amusing and Chanelle is very immature at times. I can't wait to see Laura's face drop on Friday. I don't think Chanelle will take being nominated well at all either.
I am a bit worried about Gerry. He seems to have no allies in the house without Seany. Now Jonathan has gone I hope BB put in a sexy gay man for him.

Big Brother 8: Nominations (not) for the Nation

Ok. It's quite simple. You know that person who stands in the middle of the room, yapping like an angry dog, frowning into the mirror and bragging about how much her shoes cost? SHE IS THE ONE YOU NEED TO NOMINATE. You know, because she's horrific to live with? You thick wankers! Do i have to come in there myself and drag her out? All this 'I appreciate you because you're straight down the line' stuff Carole was spewing is utter bullshit. So if I stand in front of you and shout in your face, you are appreciative of my honestly? That's masochism. Congratulations, you're a pervert.
The noninations were silly as well as ridiculously epic. Nicky the whinger escaped. I liked the fact Charley said Nicky has the permanent hump. Too, too true. Jonathan might be over before he began. Keep him in for the 'how much do your boots cost again?' comment to Charley alone. Pure genius. Seany! I like him now. Please don't vote Seany out, folks. I like his sparkly clothes! Don't you want to see gay sex in the house? Homophobe!
It's got to be Carole. I implore you to vote Carole. What the hell was all that about at the end of the show. It was edited so badly I did not have the slightest clue what was going on. What did Nicky DO exactly? I still don't have the slightest clue. I like the fact Jonathan tried to use it as an opportunity to get closer to Nicky. Carole is unpleasant to look at, and the house would be more relaxed without her. She's like the mum who starts vacuuming on Saturday morning to get you out of bed.
In other news, I found Chanelle's little tantrum about as endearing as waking up next to Tracey. You could just see Ziggy wanting to slap her. It was worse on the live feed, she was moaning about being fat and ugly. Boo hoo. You forgot thick as shit. I don't care what your IQ test says. Oh my God, I nearly forgot about her trying to nominate Ziggy about three times! Once might be an accident, three times is just careless. Ah, true love.
Gerry is lovely. Don't fuck with him. Totally agreed with his nominations. Trees are shit. Liam is pointless.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Letting Go

Dirk made a speech tonight, basically encapsulating the age old cliche 'if you love them, let them go'. It was probably the most profound thing I've ever heard in the Big Brother house. Well either that or Leo talking about having a wank.
So Jackiey left. Everyone over-reacted wonderfully except Dirk who said it like it was: 'she was a mean-spirited woman.' Not only that, she lumbered around the house like Quasimodo. Dirk keeps telling it like it is! No wonder he's up for nomination. I lost respect for Cleo when she harped on about how 'amazing' Jackiey was. 'Please tell us she got some shoes!' No they just threw her out on a gravelly street without so much as her bus fare home, you muppet. Carole was more on the the money when she described her as 'sub-normal'.
Please, please, please don't vote Leo out, people! His ramblings about 'Celebrity' with a capital c are amazing. It was a little cruel when they all walked off when he came to sit down. He's like Gollum in a hoodie and a wig. He's a menace to society. Hurrah!
Rather like Jack, my boyfriend hates Shilpa, but I'm still on the side of poise over chavilry. Why DID Jack say he hated Shilpa? Why DID Jade tell him to shut up? Due to the editing machine, we shall probably never know. But I'm guessing 'cos he fancies her' and 'cos of OK magazine.'

*just went on the messageboards and talk is Jack called Shilpa a 'paki'. Would explain Jade's reaction, I suppose. IF he did, Big Brother: please chuck him out. They've already said casual racism is OK with the championing of Jackiey. Let's not encourage it further.