Big Brother 9: 'Be the man that you look'

Oooh Mario and Lisa had an argument! But it was a bit of a lame one. Still, we have to take what we can get in this post-bitches entertainment dearth. Lisa's mask of non-annoyance was freaky.
Luke is intimidated by the way Darnell speaks? I've never heard Darnell say anything dubious. Darnell stands up for what's right. Luke on the other hand, despite not swearing because he's so morally upstanding, is a devious little cuntrag.
Mario looks like the sort of man who was born to wear a comedy apron. And he nominated my two favourite housemates.
So now all the old housemates have turned on the newbies. Wow, I didn't see THAT coming. Belinda's snoring was beyond the pale though, totally gross. I'd poke her with a stick. her singing/acting is just horrific too.She reminds me (to a much lesser extent) of that awful Jayne person they put in there once, who just hogged the camera all the time. Don't just be a cartoon, be a human.
Dale! Head in the make-up box again! That makes a change doesn't it? (GAY!)
Kat saying she's bisexual... zzz. Kat and Sarah are about as likely to get together as Luke and Darnell.
I was a bit worried Darnell would be up this week, but it looks like it's Rebecca's time to chip. See ya.
Confession: my hearts not in this at the moment. But I think it's BB's fault, not mine. If I'm not back on form within the week, slap me.

Big Brother 9: Insert Title Here

Hello, is anybody there? Please come back, my three readers. I've missed you.
Guess who's back? Back again. I am, if you count frigging dial-up, which I don't. No broadband, no Sky, I may as well be DEAD. Don't even mention the Freeview box, or the Wireless Festival, because both have proved faulty (but I did take a cheeky pic of Russell Brand whilst watching Mozzy).
So, what have I missed? Jen, gone! Hurrah. New housemates! I missed an episode (shock!) but Sarah seems like a normal human being, and a genuine beauty unlike Jen. Maysoon- not sure yet, but seems OK. Belinda, Belinda, Belinda: fake like every luvvie I've ever known. Luke and Rebecca: getting even uglier personalities in the absence of their leader.
I thought tonights BB was utterly dull. Stuart had a cry- so what? You're not being 'portrayed' a certain way: you're just an utter prink. You can't help it, I suspect you were just born that way. Bad news for you, worse news for us viewers. Belinda's faux crying was quite embarrassing and Stuart fishing for how the outside feel about him was pathetic. They should just fly a plane over saying 'Stu = Twat'- that'd clear it up nicely.
Dale moaning about them putting make up on: he's normally first in the queue for the mascara.
Even the paper bags didn't amuse me. Sob. I hope Rex and Sarah have sex or something.
But the weird thing was: last night the live feed was cut for hours, and there were talks of a bomb scare/ drugs bust. Yet it wasn't mentioned at all. What's the deal? I demand answers, or I'll presume the cameras had to turn away due to Mario and Lisa shagging on the kitchen table whilst the others stood round chanting. And that can't be right.

Big Brother 9: 'He's going to have to live with that'

Jen on Rachel: 'She smiles constantly.' That fucking sly cow, smiling! How dare she? Well done Jen for voting out the nicest people in the house. Are you thick as well as a cunt? Vote tactically, stupid. I was pleased Luke was barred from voting, although I didn't think he was talking about nominations... or was he? I thought he was just being a sarky bastard.
Rebecca stripping off mid-afternoon! Bloody hell. Does she need a new trick, or what? The imprint on the glass was funny though. Loved Lisa's nominating, especially as she voted for the enemy lines. Mario's voting for Rex was hilarious. But why did Mario vote for the goodies? TRIP HAZARD!
I think Luke might be talking bollocks- 'if you have been to jail you're not allowed to vote.' That sounds like rubbish to me. When you're in jail, yeah, but not after. You don't get branded for life and made to wear stripey pyjamas.
The way Rebecca went off on Mohamed was disgusting. She needs an ASBO slapping on her. Rex: 'That bitch is crazy.' Correct. Her hair is looking proper Grotbags-stylee now. I can't believe she cut Mo's belt in half. That's criminal damage! Imagine if he did that to something of hers? I'd knock her out for considerably less. Did Alex bite Sylvia and give her cunt-disease and then Sylvia bit Rebecca on the way out, because Rebecca never used to be like this. She'll be thrown out next (I certainly hope). I can only conclude... racist!
WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT REBECCA TO DESTROY SOMEONE'S PROPERTY? You fucking div. Why doesn't someone else stand up to her? Rex calling her a disgusting monster behind her back is one thing but someone needs to call her out. I can't believe Rex
doesn't stand up for Mo more.
Rebecca a size 12? Where does she buy her clothes, La-La Land?
And that's it from me! I'm surrounded by boxes and off to live in a shoebox on my own. When I will be back will depend on BT, a cheap broadband provider and maybe a grotty internet cafe if I get desperate and it all kicks off. See you soon!

Big Brother 9: She Looks Like Snow White

Luke, I think you're getting her confused with the Wicked Witch! So that's three guys who fancy Princess Manky Teeth now.. I had an unfortunate filling-full trip to the dentist today, so there's hope for me yet.
Mario blaming Jen for Dennis going: class!
Mikey paired people off in a cruel and unusual manner: well done! They should have done that task weeks ago. The housemates are so totally inconsiderate to his disability: except Mario who just wants to put police tape around all the trip hazards. Trip hazards! If Mario says the phrase 'trip hazard' I'll die happy.
What IS that thing with the towel that Lisa and Mario (and now Stuart) do in the garden?
Mario's diary room speech was top dollar. His sincerity floors me. He must truly believe the viewers are as attentive and doe-eyed to his spiel as Lisa. Mohamed: now only has a personality via his hairstyle.
Dale: 'Mikey, you have dreams and stuff?' Yes, he is a human, Dale. I was interested in Mikey talking about his blindness, normally he's just shuffling around forgotten.
Loving Darnell still. Loving his honesty. Aw, he wants to be someone's favourite. Rex and Rex! Haha. It was great what he said about Jen: thank god someone sees through it.
Lisa and Mario are soooo weird, I can't believe they met on Ebay, they seem made for each other. Imagine if they'd never met? They would have been lost, lonely robots. They do seem like 'soul mates' *shudder*.
Watching them eat blindfolded was truly gross. I can't stand watching people eat anyway. Mo was being really strange and OTT.
Rebecca: 'I even wish Alex was still here.' CHRIST! Your judgement is awful, love. 'All the fun people have gone.' What, Dennis and Sylvia? I find the best way to get the party started is to sexually harrass someone then gob in their face, don't you?
Rebecca is SUCH an exhibitionist getting naked! I have a grudging respect for her in a way that she's proud of her body. But she's still supremely irritating.
Beardy Brian Molko and Jen rubbing Dale's nose in it was funny. Keep pushing him and he might lamp someone because he's too inarticulate to argue his case. It's like watching a fly banging it's head against a window. All you need is love! Or nailing.

Big Brother 9: Keep It Really, Really Real

There was something extremely creepy about Jen and Luke's conversation about Rachel's 'dark side' against that backdrop of slightly frantic classical music. Surely it becoming like 'The Waltons' is a good thing for the housemates (if not the viewers?) Don't they WANT to get on?
Luke is becoming increasingly paranoid and spiky, with Team Cunt on his side. I can't stand fence-sitters either as a rule, but Kat and Rachel don't deserve that level of vitriol. I was pleased when Kat challenged him, he's getting completely out of control.
Rebecca is also being very annoying too; now she has what she sees as the cool kids on side she's becoming too big for her boots. But if the doors jammed and everyone on earth died outside the BB house, and they ran out of food and had to eat a housemate, you can guarantee it'd be you first, love. I'd put money on it.
As for the other happy house haters: if Jen was stuck in the house with the Dalai Lama she'd be calling him fake and slagging off his dress sense after five minutes. The 'whole Rachel situation- we can't take anymore of the incessant happiness.' I know, what is Rachel going to do next? Make them a cup of tea? Hang up their washing? FUCKING BITCH!
I enjoyed Rex basically calling Becks fat, because she is being a moron. I like his arrogance! I think his views reflect the views of any sane viewer. I like the fact he doesn't really rise to it, then when he does, he is considered Satan. He cannot win.
Jen: 'stop being happy, be yourself instead.' But by being YOURSELF, Jen, you are a sour-faced, miserable, nasty, uptight, deluded dimwit. So, why not be someone else? Surely anything else would be preferable. Good on Rachel for speaking out, as much as she could.
Rebecca was looking increasingly thick as the show went on and she went into full-on Vicky Pollard mode. She was barking at the moon because she didn't have a leg to stand on, but felt aggrieved anyway and started on Kat. Darnell took her down again in his own inimitable way, until he got mega-mouthed into the ground.
I hope Rex doesn't walk, the producers would be insane to let him. New intelligent blood desperately needed.

Big Brother 9: Aftermath

Best pics ever! Sylvia: 'Dennis was only trying to help.' I often find spitting on someone's face can resolve a sticky situation, don't you? In fact, that was the first trick they taught us in counselling school. Jen and Sylvia crying was absolutely hysterical. Jen thinks she's untouchable now. Little does she know.
Luke: 'The public will kick out Mo tonight, Dennis was just trying to diffuse the situation.' Luke: you hitched your bandwagon to a poisoned star and now you must pay the price, you nasty little shit. My love affair with you is OVER.
Words cannot explain how much I hate Jen, and how keen I am to see her get her comeuppance. How dare she challenge Darnell about what he did. He did so well just not to rise to it at all. How can they just not acknowledge that Mohamed was ASSAULTED? Spitting on someone is common assault. Darnell: 'When we hit the streets we'll see who the vile people are.' Correct. Loved Darnell calling Sylvia and Jen unexciting in front of Dale.
Jen: 'Dennis did whatever came natural.' It's not natural to spit on someone. That takes conscious thought. That would not come naturally EVER to someone of strong moral fibre. And I'm a right rock n' roll rebel and it would never occur to me to do that to my worst enemy.
Loved BB telling Stuart and Dale that Rex had already apologised. Dealt with! Dale: you're thick as shit. I've seen more intelligent Hollyoaks plots (I haven't really... as if I'd watch that bollocks)
Love Mario again now. Except his nominations talk which was exceedingly stupid. When will they learn!!!
Watching Dale in his pink scunt straightening Luke's hair was the antithesis of sexy. I like men hairy, dirty and scruffy. Oh my God, then Dale put on a cravat for the eviction. Awful fashion sense does not take the place of IQ, gormy.
Kat annoyed me telling Rex off for being arrogant. Better arrogant than fake and utterly one-dimensional.
Other thoughts: The song Cookie Love is oddly addictive. Why was Lisa shaving her 'tache? And who enjoyed the chocolate earhole licking more, Becks or Luke?

Big Brother 9: 'Would you do that to a Monet?'

Bloody hell! All that excitement nearly gave me a cardiac arrest. It was loads better than I expected. Syliva's night was stolen somewhat.
I loved Darnell bullshitting Rebecca that he fancies her! Rebecca was wearing my cardie as well. I used to not like that, but now I'll allow it. She didn't look very impressed with his seduction technique.
Fight night! Jennifer's egotism knows no bounds: 'you wouldn't be able to do that in an art gallery.' For fuck's sake Jen, it was a doodle of beardy tosspot Stuart, get the fuck over it, you dopey cow. Grow up! I love hearing Rex speak, he's got a sexy voice and I'm becoming quite partial to his nose. His insincere apology ruled. I love the fact it was all sorted then Dale came in like a caveman. What a prick. I wouldn't mind but Jen was utterly in the wrong, and Stale (Stuart & Dale) just pushed their way in like the thickest kind of retards. Stale is Jen's ideal man! (I'm copyrighting Stale, btw).
Jen- 'I would never put my fingers in his food!' I hate her more than anyone on the planet, genuinely. I'm glad she lost Dennis because of it, it was utterly just. What was with Stuart as well, getting all involved? God, don't upset Princess Manky Teeth. Don't fuck with her 'masterpiece'! Masterpiece!!! She actually SAID THAT. Rex DID apologise. Shut up!
Oh my God, I can't believe what happened. I sincerely hope someone spits in Dennis's face in the street, the evil little cunt. Mohamed and Rex were both completely bullied. It was like ten against two. Where was Mario when you needed him? He didn't risk assess the gob in the face, did he?
Thank GOD Darnell spoke the truth. I literally cannot BELIEVE people were still going on about that fucking painting after Dennis SPIT in Mohamed's face. That was truly horrific. Darnell went up in my estimation a BILLION percent, I loved the fact he was so angry about it, I would have been exactly the same. He was a true hero. It doesn't matter the whys and wherefores. Also, Mohamed did NOT square up to a girl. I HATE DALE! They are just racist as far as I'm concerned. Mohamed did nothing. Stuart, Dale, Jennifer, Rebecca: scum.
They were definitely drunk, but it's no excuse. I was pleased to hear Dennis still had his dignity, there was I thinking he was a rancid, disgusting little troll. Mohamed crying and washing his face was awful, if someone spat in my face I'd feel absolutely violated, and I don't use that word lightly.
All the people in that luxury bedroom are complete spineless wankers for not calling Dennis out on his revolting behaviour. I will not forget. Dennis should have been kicked out then and there. Disgraceful.
Darnell: 'I really thought Becks was going to put out tonight.' Love it.
Sylvia's interview: fairly superfluous to requirements- probably the most interesting part was the live feed at the end: Luke saying 'If they evicted Sylvia none of us have a chance.' And Jen replying 'How could anyone evict that body?' Because, shit-for-brains, it's not Britain's Next Top Model, it's Big Brother and we require either a brain or a serious personality disorder in our winner, and you don't even have a brain cell, or a personality. I'd predict you'd feel intellectually threatened by an amoeba, but actually, you find two of them sexually attractive. Poor you (and them).

Big Brother 9: There Was No Day 14

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to blog this last night but it was too late. I was going to skip it all together but there are things that need to be said! Like, what has Rebecca done to her hair, it looks like a fright wig. I still like her though and I liked her being proud of her arse. Its not like Luke has exactly got a body beautiful, is it?
It was a bit naughty when BB told Luke why it had sent Dennis and Darnell to prison, BB of old would never have done such a thing. Good, though. As it was D&D got away with it, because they are a bit cheeky. I thought they were good fun in the prison, a proper odd couple.
I thought the OK Go dance routine was brilliant, it was a feel-good episode of BB. I can think of several series past where they would not have had the discipline to do that. I loved the ‘Oxfam’ clothes as well, I like it when they indie them up. Stuart looked like a gay sailor. Dale did look smouldering with smoky eyeliner (except when his mouth lolls open like a stroke victim) and I loved Rex in his make up and indie gear. I can’t believe he called it stupid whilst wondering round with that tidal wave hairdo and so-designer-he-looks-like-he-got-it-off-the-market hoodie. Sylvia looked good as an indie chick too.
It was nice to see them all getting on, well until the end. I don’t think Sylvia really had designs on Dale, she was only kidding in her own bizarre way (like the joke with Luke… so funny I forgot to laugh!) Jen is so up her own arse! BB, please play Dale’s ‘If there’s any fanny in there, I’m going to nail it’ video. I’d pay good money to see Jen’s face.

Big Brother 9: Free Mandela (Do Not Pass Go)

Luke! I'm sick of you. Maybe Kat is annoying but maybe she just is nice as well. Maybe Rachel just is too. I like Rex and Mohamed. I'd rather be stuck in prison with them than any of the others. It's every man for themselves in that house.
Poor Mo, he's definitely depressed. I loved Rex's poor attempt at comforting him. Banged up with a crying man. Never good. I can't believe BB kept them in prison that long. Cruel! Battery-farmed housemates.
What modelling agency did Jen go to? Was it a specialist agency for people who were too poor to get braces when they were kids? She looked like that woman off 10 Years Younger in that stupid outfit. If that's sexy God help humankind. Her friendship with Sylvia is so disingenuous that if you breathed on it, it'd crumble.
That was interesting that Rachel said about getting friction burn on her thighs, because Rebecca went in the diary room and moaned about that the other day! I get that too. It's the fat person's curse. But fuck diets, that's what they invented leggings for *eats crispy strips*. They were mean not letting Rebecca do the task. What she lacks in physique, she makes up for in enthusiasm. Mario completely unbiasedly appointed Lisa as the make-up girl. Well if everyone wants to look like a red indian, it was the perfect choice. Love Darnell standing up for Becky. They are the misfits of the house.
Rex vs Dale: Rex made Dale look pathetic, which he is. But fair play to Dale for apologising (and having a sneaky feel of Rex's willy- he's not helping those bi rumours, is he?)
Rachel is SUCH a girl scout. What a fuss she made about that injury. Rebecca's hiding under the bed was funny.
Nominations chat! Stupidio! Dennis is such a dolt. Sylvia: you are going home, and the water thing has been done. See ya.
Tonights 'shut the fuck up' award goes jointly to Mario and Jen- what a pair of cunts. Risk assess my middle finger, Mario.

Big Brother 9: Veins Everywhere

Mario, you are not allowed to say last in, first out! Naughty.
Dale... there's a reason Rex talks to you like you're stupid. I'll give you an hour to work it out. Good luck!
Jennifer is soooo prim. 'Mikey washed his 'area'- can she not even say WILLY? I wish she'd get over it. She's not that saintly.
Query: why does Mikey want the light off at night?
Mohamed and his three breakfasts! I wonder what he had? Why does everyone hate him SO MUCH, he seems harmless. I mean eating too much isn't as offensive as half the things said and done in there. I've got half an idea... *cough* (racists).
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. If only he was in any way likeable. But he's so annoying and unpleasant.
Rachel was right about Luke: he does go from group to group shit-stirring, I spotted that a while back. I like her, I wish they'd show her more. Still a wasted vote though.
Mario and Lisa's excercise sessions are SO weird. It's utterly unnatural to enjoy doing those weird things they do. I was pleased Mario didn't get loads of votes this week though.
Rex slightly hypocritical to vote Sylvia for for flirting when she has a boyfriend, as he did the same thing with Steph. I still like him though. He's my fave (except when he wears that Claire's Accessories style hoodie).
Dale has got a lovely turn of phrase: 'Rex talking with his dick out.' He's obsessed with dick. I loved the fact Rex was lying there. Dale is so thick he doesn't recognise faces now, and he's only got about 15 to remember in there. What a tool.
Loved Darnell tearing a strip off Luke. Luke looked well and truly exposed. He obviously thought the housemates were too thick to see it, so I'm pleased that at least a couple of people are onto him. But he's still good value.
I enjoyed Rex and Mohamed getting sent to jail like the hoodie thugs they are. Hehe.
Sylvia: subtle as a brick. Stuart: he should learn how to say 'NO'. I could probably think of something more boring than Sylvia's whispering campaign, but it doesn't exist on this earth. I literally zoned out for ten minutes. It's like hearing a chav slagging off her boyfriend on her mobile on the bus. Poor Stuart! Why don't I feel sorry for him!
Nice to see the two black people are up. Good old BB. If you're a girl, black, or even mildly mouthy- see ya. Whilst the moronic teens keep Dale in cos he's fit, innit! And then we get stuck with retard Ken and Barbie and fucking CookieCunt for three months.
Things I don't want to look at anymore: Jen's ratty hair extensions.

Big Brother 9: Eye to Eye

Another SHIT edit from the producers, what exactly sparked that row with Mo and Dennis? Who was right, who was wrong? I'll never know. Therefore, I don't care. Like with the Sylvia 'Mo wants us to pretend to be a couple' thing: we never found out if he really said it, so I presume not. Mohamed seems very sad, and Dennis is a twat, that's all I see. Get over yourself Dennis, you demonic little troll. I feel like everyone is just ganging up on Mo very subtly now and he's going to have to shape his afro into devil's horns or a middle finger gesture to fight back. The fake fight was weird, but funny.
Cupgate! Hehe. Did Mikey have his willy in it? Can we view the tape? Bleurgh! Darnell handled that situation beautifully. Jennifer was extremely patronising.
Dale: 'Like panto... people on stage singing and dancing... I don't know what they call that.' Boy genius, so glad he was training to be a teacher.
I love the way Mario and Lisa talk to each other, the dynamic is so different to anything else in the house. It was like they were sizing Stuart up for a threesome.
Forcing them to stare at Beardy Brian Molko for an hour was beautifully cruel. I was impressed with some of their paintings, they were quite nice. Jennifer did have a face like thunder when Sylvia was presenting, I thought BB was making up that storyline but maybe not.
Kat: cookie, cookie, cookie... FUCK OFF. Choke on your fucking cookies, you two-dimensional imbecile.
Custard cream GATE (sick of all the gates now). Again, if BB showed us who took them, we could pick a side and invest some of ourselves in the row. As it was, it's just annoying. Luke was fucking me off too. Why is he having a go at Rachel for being 'nice'. People who are fake nice ARE annoying but Rachel just seems dull nice, like a goody two shoes, but that's OK. I don't think there's a hidden agenda there.
Sylvia vs Stuart in the diary room was cringy. Sylvia is TOO full-on. Her little attention-fest was pathetic. Jennifer dropping the bomb was poetic justice. Judging by the misty-eyed look on Sylvia's face minutes later, she hadn't got the hint.
Mikey's comedy was bloody awful and the opposite of funny, but does everyone have to be so sour and disgusted all the time? They are young people, when did they get so uptight?
Things I don't want to look at anymore: Jen's teeth.

Big Brother 9: Land of Luxury

More petty squabbles about food... dullsville! Jennifer: sour-faced bint. Rex wasn't being territorial about the girls. He was just making conversation. Sylvia: Mikey is blind, not deaf, don't tell him he didn't hear something when he did. It's also not eavesdropping when you overhear something unintentionally.
The only reason Sylvia was down was cos beardy gave her the brush off. Nothing to do with her boyfriend. I was impressed she admitted she didn't actually know herself. How awful, I can't imagine what that must feel like. No wonder she's all over the place. I notice she go back into bed with beardy again though, so the guilt was obviously quite fleeting.
Probably the worst BB so far this series. I felt like Mohamed looked watching it. Oh, but the top trumps with food labels was inspired, I wonder who came up with that?
NB. I am, however, enjoying Diary Room Uncut, they actually show the housemates having fun and larking about on that and you get to see some of the characters they almost never show. I enjoyed Darnell and Dennis swapping clothes especially.

Big Brother 9: Dripping Wet

I felt sorry for Mo tonight. Jennifer's suggestion for him to 'eat vegetarian' showed a complete lack of respect; he's not a vegetarian, he's a Muslim. Rex was being a bit of a div too- megalomaniac.
I hate Sylvia! She's a right troublemaker then pretends to be all innocent. At least Alex unapologetically nailed her colours to the mast. Sylvia was completely rude to Mikey and completely spoiling for a row. Mikey (plus horse) is a complete sour-puss, though. He's sleeping in the day and whining when people are making noise. You're on Big Brother, not in a nursing home.
Rachel permanently has a frown on her face, she's taking the weight of the world on her shoulders. I wish she'd just relax (or grown a fringe).
I know Rex, Mikey and Mario are going to be up next week and Mario will go. I don't want Mario to go! The majority of the group (Sylvia, Dennis, Dale (still not nailed any fanny), Darnell, Jennifer) are UTTER dullards. I don't want to look at them for another two and a half months (although I know I'll have to). I find Luke a little disappointing in group situations at times too. He's fun in the diary room, but a little duplicitous.
Poor Dale, crying because people hate him because he's just too good-looking. My heart is doing a Leona Lewis as we speak. His scunt was ridiculous, it looked like a sari he'd pilfered from somewhere. Also, stop sticking your tongue out. You look utterly gormless.
Stuart- mascara! Mascara and beards do not happy bedfellows make. He looks like Brian Molko with that mascara on. I find him physically repulsive. Dunno what the fuss is about. Had something gone on with him and Sylvia in the auditions? Personally I don't believe a word she says. Maybe she'll start behaving herself now to try and impress the new bloke. I feel sorry for her boyfriend though. Not exactly subtle jumping into the bath with beardy the first night.
Dale: 'The girls are all dripping wet... he's come in to slap a big dick in my face.' Charmed, I'm sure!
Jennifer in the bath rubbing her boobs and flashing her leg... subtle! Then Sylvia in bed with Stuart on the first night! She was giving off mad bunny-boiler vibes! 'I'm going to my bed now... give me a hug.' That was fucked. She just booked herself a one-way ticket home. Good!
I bet he's frightened for his life now. Cool, we need a Michelle Bass/Craig/Antony situation! Public humiliation is the best.

Big Brother 9: Hot Juicy Tea (blergh!)

I'm a day late but here's my verdict on the anti-eviction. Rex 'I've cooked from anything from thousands to four' (never a ready meal for one?) is the new enemy in town: 'I'm just giving them what they want' even though they don't actually want it. I still like him though. Kat- not as stupid as she looks, warning Rex to play it down a little. I suspect he won't listen. Everyone seems to like Kat in the house, good for them, but I think she's a div.
Mario: 'I'd be good at most things in here.' whilst Lisa fawns at his feet. Keep Mario in, he's endlessly entertaining.
I love the fact they overspent on the shopping by £102! Just a slight error: you couldn't get away with that in Tesco.
Rebecca in jail was funny but you shouldn't be allowed to write things in BB *solemnly remembers Nasty Nick and his note passing*. Jail doesn't seem that bad if you can have beer in it.
Straighters! YAWN. Is Sylvia in training as a mini-Alex? I feel increasingly sorry for Mo. And I find it highly unlikely that he asked her to pretend to be a celebrity couple, why didn't they show it? If she made that up, she's proper devious.
Mario and Lisa's voyeristic underwear-clad dancing to 'turn around, Bright Eyes.' (that's what is should be called) was so revolting it almost became good. I honestly felt like I might vomit. I can't even comment on the looking in the mirror/ arse-slapping/ custard-cream horrorfest. Their poor children! They are made for each other though, aren't they, a perfect pairing of cringeworthy vanity.
Alex interview: good, I'd glad she didn't do the whole Jade Goody-bullshit 'I'm so sowwy' card. I wouldn't have bought it if she'd been dabbing her eyes and apologising. You don't get over such severe cuntitis in the space of a couple of days. Davina went pretty easy on her; she was probably scared. Lovely to hear from you Alex, now just fuck off.
Now housemate Stuart. Awful beard, closet gay, 25 going on 40, probably quite obnoxious. Just what we need, a metrosexual scunt (scarf-wearing cunt). At least Dale looked annoyed because Jennifer looked a bit starry-eyed. I wish I could care but it would take a lobotomy.

Big Brother 9: So Solid Strong

Remember I told you! I love the fact that during Alex's tirade, no one even reacted to it in the slightest, except Darnell who thought she meant music hook-ups rather than gangsters. But she was a million percent threatening! Rex is right: the room did go cold when she walked in, nasty cunt. I'm too scared to blog now in case she gets her homies onto me! She's gonna pop a cap in my ass! Eek!
Rebecca's 5am half-asleep singing was pretty funny. Why was Darnell still up then?! Hardcore! I liked what he said about Rebecca seeming like trouble at first. I agree, she seems to have calmed down. I would like to have seen more of Rex singing!
Rachel: would you stand there whilst Alex calls you stupid? Because I wouldn't. Even so, Lisa was wrong to slag off Rachel. 'Obnoxiously nice' said Luke, and 'deluded' said the perfectly sane Mario. I know who I'd rather be stuck in a lift with.
I thought it was weird when Mario didn't want to talk about his kids, it's slightly unnatural. They probably don't like him either.
Kat: now totally fast-forwardable.
Dale: officially duller than the block of wood he smashed. That ridiculous drum roll was funny though. That wood looked like it was born to fall apart.
I loved it when Big Brother read her statement back to Alex, especially 'so solid strong' and 'remember I told you'. Big Brother didn't do context; it just read it as is. 'Isn't that a bit incriminating?' said Alexandra. And the answer was: yes. Bye bye. She wasn't sorry. She was just angry. She never crumbled, did she? No tears for Alex. Just anger. What a sad life. She wasn't born like that. Someone made her that way. I hope they are sorry.
Other thoughts: Luke loved reading that card out. Mario trying to look impassive after he found out he was safe. Michael spelt our P-R-I-C-K. Why?
So that's that. And yes the BB producers are culpable for putting such a damaged person as Alex in. But they stopped caring long ago.

Big Brother 9: Instrumental!

If like me, you peruse the digital spy messageboards for a bit of extracurricular BB goss, you'll know by now Alex has been ejected from the house (for threats to kill!) I'm only sorry she wasn't ejected from the planet, the thick cunt.
'You'll have my friends and family to answer to.' she told Mo. No he won't, you stupid fucker. But YOU'LL have the whole nation to answer to, so good luck, darling. Charley got a slap off someone, Grace got scarred for life, hopefully you'll get an upgrade on the pair of them. You're a disgrace to HUMANITY. I'm glad Mohamed stood up to her, as much as he could. She's actually made him seem quite interesting and a sympathetic character. You cannot argue with her, it's impossible. As if Alex would look up to him under any circumstances.
'How can I intimidate a grown man?' Easily. You're a menace.
Alexandra lying like Cleopatra in the bathroom! Don't awake the beast!
The moral of the story is: wearing a skirt- bad. Threatening to kill- perfectly acceptable. That's OK then.
I liked the Japanese task. I like karaoke and the decor and stuff. They should have made them do a Takeshi's Castle-style obstacle course. I liked Rebecca's stupid singing just because it was a bit of light relief. Even Alex made me laugh. At least they made her look like a dick before she went. PS. You don't sing the word 'instrumental'.
Loved Luke taking the mickey out of Mario's 'massive fanbase'. It was done with such style. But we're stuck with old Mazzer for another week and a half! Hey ho.

Big Brother 9: Paranoid Picnic

Nomination stations! I wish we could have seen them all. Lisa's was funny, 'maybe Jennifer is a bit jealous of me.' It's fairly unlikely, Lisa, you look like Xena the Warrior Princess thirty HARD years later. I was surprised a how FEW people voted Alexandra. Surely she should have had a clean sweep? Luke nominating Mario for patronising Mikey was perfect. I couldn't have put it better myself.
Dale: so thick he needs subtitles. He does have a bit of Jamie Oliver mouth disease, doesn't he? Like, like, like, like, like.
Why was Alex so annoyed about Mo dressing up as a woman? It was only a bit of fun, narky cow. He looked quite nice really. Mo's diary room conversation being broadcast over the loudspeaker was no technical hitch, that's classic BB trying to fuck with them. I half love it, half think it's pure evil. It's Mo's birthday! Give him a break. Him not being able to get his bra off was pure comedy.
Alex's 'we as Muslims' rant was PURE HYPOCRISY. She did not have a leg to stand on. DICKHEAD! Fuck off.
Quote of the night: Mo: 'If I want to cross dress, I will cross dress!' I like him, you know. He's alright. He kept that eyeshadow on a fair while, didn't he? Good on him, nothing wrong with a bit of harmless androgyny.
Alex- burn baby burn! You donkey.
At least it will be a good eviction this week between Alex and Mario. I really wish we could kick the pair of them out tomorrow.

Big Brother 9: Crisps! *excited*

Poor Mohamed, every time he puts food in his mouth, he's treated like a pariah. Alex's bathroom rant was SHAMELESS, can't believe she didn't shut it when Mohamed came in with the towels. She's unstoppable.
Make up horrors: Lisa's brown lipstick. I liked Mario dissing it, it reminds me of every relationship I've ever had. Men don't appreciate a garish lipstick, the fools. Jennifer: went to the Mikey-school of putting mascara on.
Crisp task! Wor-chester sauce! Hehe. Mmm, crisps. I couldn't stop myself eating them! Mario: 'can I just make a suggestion?' equals 'You'd better do this or else.'
Jennifer: crisp hater! If you hate crisps, you hate life. Damn you to hell, you don't deserve to live on this planet. Begone!
Oh dear: Tissue-gate! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Haha that was quite funny when he dropped his tissue in. Gross. Even I may have been deterred at that point. Also, how did Big Brother decide the results of the task? Did they have to relick them? I demand to know.
I can see why Dennis was annoyed at Sylvia, she did sell him out a bit the other night. She could have ingratiated herself with both sides without dragging Dennis's name into it.
Forehead watch: Rachel vs Alex- both giving Mario's buddy Ant McSixhead a run for his money. So what if someone called Rachel Mother Teresa? It's better than being called Satan, innit. It might have helped us as a viewer if they'd actually shown us who'd said it. (I'm guessing Alex)
The table meeting was dull as fuck- Alex: 'I'll say it to your face' equals 'I'm a rude fucker.' Mario cliche generator: 'you need to earn respect.' Zzzzz. They came across like a bunch of pathetic school kids.
So I guess the friendship is over between Sylvia and Alexandra. What a shame. But can Sylvia be redeemed in our eyes? I think it will take time for her to prove herself again.
Quote of the night goes to Luke in the Diary Room: 'if I was going to say something about someone I'd say it in here, behind their back.'
Loved BB thwarting Mario's attempts to get it on, they spoke for a nation in putting a stop to those shenanigans. 'Rocking off to sleep'! Is that what the old folk call it these days? Blergh!

Big Brother 9: Super(emely annoying) Mario

How's that for a pun? Eat that, Sun writers!
Mario! Now officially more infuriating than Alex. His vanity and arrogance know no boands. Why is he trying to manage everyone? I know you do it for a living, you fat-necked fuck. You're not at work now, you're on Big Brother. Relax!
The task was quite tedious. Mario going 'you said it' to Darnell when he'd said pretty much nothing was frustrating. Darnell seemed quite likable and vulnerable tonight.
And poor Mikey, stuck between Lord of the Manor Mario and the frigging triangle. We predicted that one. That waistcoat was uncalled for though, blind or not.
Dunno what Alex was on about with the Rex thing, I think she's mentally ill. Rex is a chef, he probably will criticise your cooking. Apparently Mo is perfectly capable of cooking OK, but hold up, Rebecca wasn't last week. Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E?
What the fuck was Lisa wearing, by the way? She looks like Barbie on steroids. That cap should have been burned in the 80s. And why does she never react to anything? It's driving me nuts.
Mikey pissed me off with what he said about Jennifer. Why is he so obsessed with her not dressing up? He can't see anyway. Plus there's a big difference between a snog and a shag (and Dale and Jennifer haven't even snogged! And so what if they did? It's hardly earth-shattering).
I was impressed with the fact that they were all onto Alex today: they are not such a stupid bunch this year. I liked Mo and Rex going twos up on a fag in the ashtray. Mo knows Alex was just trying to fuck with him and she failed. Good.
Mario vs Alex next week, surely? Come on, housemates. You know you want to.

Big Brother 9: Male, Female, Cats, Dogs, Whatever

BB was kind of annoying tonight. Endless obsessing over minor details. And whilst the real romance in the house was over before it began (Rex and Steph) we have to put up with the dreary courtship of Jennifer and Dale. Rex's girlfriend obviously spent her friday night wisely, speed dialling the number to evict Steph. But it was a shame, as she brought out an interesting side to him, and let's face it, most of the housemates have barely one side between them.
And so we're left with Lisa and Mario. Mario's soundbites for tonight: 'we're very popular people', 'we;ve got a fanbase', 'Ant and Dec better have voted for me', what you see is what you get', 'it's the cat sat on the mat' (what?!) and my favourite, 'the legend continues.' Urgh! Just way too smug. I'm sorry I ever said he was alright. He's not. And Lisa's fixed smile is getting on my nerves. They are in danger of drowning that house, just like Carole, the most controlling mother figure on earth, did last year.
It was interesting that Sylvia sought to distance herself from Alex, but I couldn't work out of she came off looking sensible or two-faced. I'm reserving my judgement. I don't think Alex will be if she finds out though. Sylvia's matchmaking attempt was also pretty ham-fisted.
Jennifer got WAY too much air-time tonight. I can't stand her. She's completely stuck-up and sour, and those ratty hair extensions are just revolting. She's like the world owes her a favour, flouncing off when Dale said he fancied her. It was interesting that the world's most gormless PE teacher said Rex got on his nerves sometimes; he's clearly jealous of Rex's power in the house (and the fact he is an articulate man). Jennifer continued to suck the fun out of anything and everything, with her and Dale's late night chat making Romeo and Juliet look like a fairytale romance.
Just snog him or don't! No one actually gives a fuck except you, you boring old bitch. You're a bit of fanny that he wants to nail. That's about all there is to it, so I wouldn't bother over-thinking it too much. If you want something with a bit more substance, try Luke.