Friday, 3 February 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Big Brother voters: Queens of filth

Live feed lovers
Ooh, hello lovies. All I want tonight is a Kim/ Jedward final two. Don't let me down, you chicken livered shits.
Emma's coat makes me LOL out loud. Looks like she's escaped from prison.
My ideal order for booting out are Coleen, Bianca, James C, Nicola, Jedward and Kim.
Who's going to get the two by two eviction? Bianca and Coleen would be good. I honestly want to see Nicola go further than James C because at least Nicola has put some effort into entertaining us.
Outfits: Jedward are in military regalia, James looks like he's going to a wedding, Nicola McLean looks like a Hollywood starlet with balloons for boobs. Bianca looks like a viking pinhead. Looks like they've had a makeover.
Everyone is pretending they enjoyed their time in the house when they're actually dying to leave.
Kim: 'You're going to get some knick-knocking when strangers are put together.' I like Nicola and Bianca's Jedward look and the reinacting of Kim's argument.
So they are all sat down to watch the house highlights. I love Kim's sunglasses even though she can't see through them.
It was nice to see all the housemates in the diary room together, you don't really see that these days.
Bonka first out! I was hoping for Coleen but never mind.
Why have they brought the celebrities on from the cold? Let them suffer.
Will Emma now do one of her traditional slut-shamings? Bianca looks like she has three housemates worth of make up on. Her outfit is a bit 80s sci fi.
Bianca: 'I got booked to come in here single.' Why? Why does she have to be single to go in?
Bianca on Jamie and CJ Meeks: 'We're both sick of talking about it.' Tough shit, you'll be talking about it more in your magazine deal, I'm sure.
Bianca wants to go and 'enjoy the afterlife of Big Brother.' Spooky! At least she'll finally get to see her mum at last.
Nicola is out next. Her cleavage going up the stairs was a sight to behold. Boooo!
Wake up, James C! Show some respect. I hope no one votes for someone who is sleeping on the job!
Nicola's got lipstick on her teeth. That's the problem with glossy red lipstick. You need a good matte. Smokey eyes and red lipstick is a bit much for my taste. It's a bit Dynasty.
Her interview is basically Kim, Kim, Kim and 'I like Jedward now'.
I liked Emma asking Nicola if she's similar to Kim. Emma's not going to say anything about 'I'll go lower' gate is she?
OMG James is out next! I enjoyed James C's interview. My takeaway arrived at this point so I missed some of the salient points he made, but I liked his sense of humour and saying 'watching the housemates through the window was like watching a cartoon.' And I liked the fact he still had Coleen's back at the end. I enjoyed him saying he wouldn't like to see Kim again and that his best bits will 'be a very short reel.' He did have his moments when he wasn't asleep or trying not to say what he thinks.
How does Coleen always get so far? It's so annoying. Oh my God, Kim is out next! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. We are denied the magic of a Kim and Jedward final two. Arghhh!
Emma says it's close between Coleen and Jedward. How can it be? Coleen has done NOTHING. She has sat on her arse and been passive aggressive. Ugh! If she wins I'm going to GO SPARE!
It must be the split vote between Kim and Jedward because 'Kim or Jedward' was trending.
OMG! Kim went 'Don't start with me to Emma'! I'm dying.
Kim has found the final week 'horrible' after being surrounded by the 'ganghanded mob.'
Kim's argument highlights were amazing! Fuck the old housemates goading her. I love her giving them the finger. Spencer Pratt is being particularly obnoxious.
Kim decided to be a 'cobby old crab'. If you come for 'one woman on her own she'll have your guts for gartners.' She has the BEST turn of phrase.
I love Kim telling Nicola that she wanted to argue. 'They're not my friends... she's got a darn cheek. Little madam.'
Spencer is being SUCH a twat. Fuck Emma pulling up Kim on the word 'bullying'.
Kim's long red nails are amazing! I love her calling Speidi out on their 'food first.' OMG Kim going 'don't start with me' to the crowd. She's the best.
So Coleen won. I'll say that again, Coleen won. Can I have my money back please? The injustice hurts my heart.
Weird sound guys running behind Jedward!
Jedward can't wait for Coleen's book: 'I've lived with Jedward.' They were very gracious to her citing 'popstars winning.'
They beat their personal best of coming third last time. I can't believe Jedward got no noms their first series. Jedward 'We were runner ups.'
Jedward: 'We said some bad words this time.'
Also I can tell Jedward apart now and I couldn't last time.
Jedward are always '100% sober and present in the house.'
I love Jedward's self worth and how nothing dents their confidence. They actually do KNOW THEMSELVES.
Emma can't deal with Jedward calling for bringing back the '24 hour link' and wrapped up the interview, ha.
It's nice to see Coleen being emotional but she didn't deserve to win. WHO voted for her? Who votes for these Loose Women, Jim Davidson etc?
Coleen coming out to some mean drum and bass there. 'If I put my hand on my heart I didn't deserve to win it because I have been boring.' Truth. I hate Emma crawling up her arse.
You're right, Coleen, it is down to the idiot general public and that's why we always get the wrong result, every single fucking time.
Coleen found the experience relentlessly negative. She's describing herself.
I'm annoyed because it feels like a win for the ganghanded crew. I'd rather James had won than her.
Coleen's best bits is all just people saying stuff about her cos she's got no best bits.
Anyway, fuck y'all, you chicken livered shits. HORRIBLE PEOPLE. Ratbags. Podcast later. I'm gonna be angry as fuck. See you there!

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I know Kim's strong and gangster


Ooh I just watched last night's show, too, so I'm in the zone! Haha, Calum left this week. I know, I forgot, too. That was fab though. I loved every second! He looked like crap in his interview, all sweaty and twitchy. I notice he's been on a respectful tour of gentleman's clubs since. That's our Calum. Bless you, you fake piece of shit.
OMG special mention must go to Jedward doing cocaine (sort of). Amazing: GIF gold. I wish they'd snorted it though. That would have been a BB moment of legend. Nicola looked well practiced.

I'm loving Jedward in the Jedtub – rubbing bubbles on each other. Seems perfectly normal.
I've missed the true story between Nicola and Kim but apparently it was on live feed (I've not watched yet) and James C and Nicola were being dicks. There must be a reason Jedward stick up for Kim when she goes off like that. It is partly because they're fellow oddballs, but I think there's more to it. Plus they hate the Blair Witch.
Kim in DR: ‘Oh I’m thrilled! I’ve made the Friday. Oh lovey I’ve got so used to this sniping. Nicola has got to be surrounded by her audience. When it kicks off they all go to Nicola’s aid.’
Kim is IN IT TO WIN IT. I wonder if she will ever get that autograph from James C? Probably not.
John just sniffed his arsecrack fingers after wearing Bianca's thong. Yes, I did just write that sentence. And people say I'm wasting my life.
Ooh so everyone likes Edward and not John! Boo. I can tell them apart now by looks but not personality. In a month I would crack it. Unfortunately I half crack it on the penultimate night.
Nicola: 'Edward's more camp.' More camp? John is the one wearing a girl's thong.
Choose #KIMWARD
CBB TV is the next task which I think is like QVC, with Jedward and Bianca. I don't think James C is buying it. He's so sour sometimes. Nicola is heaving at the sight of dog food. JEDWARD ARE EATING IT. OMG. And Bianca did. Nicola's gagging was magic. That was funny because they didn't have to eat it, but they did anyway. Mental.
I think Jedward would actually work well on QVC as they have a lot of natural enthusiasm.
The painless wax strips were brilliant! John did well not to react. OMG I can see Jedward pube.
I thought the healthy smoothie was just slop but it's got a fermented egg in it, dear lord. I love John going 'Wow, that really caught me off guard' after he vomited. Brilliant. Jedward rocked that task and Bianca did well, too.
Nicola: 'I don't want Kim to win.' Coleen: 'It will be her or Jedward. I'd like to interview people who vote for her to win.' I'm right here, bitch. They want Jedward to win over Kim. I want Jedward and Kim to tie!
More tweets! Shitstir. Kim: 'Shut your face, shut your gob' to Jedward for no reason. Jedward: 'I'll shut my mind.' Bhahaha.
Kim wants to 'get home tonight'. Jedward most antagonistic? Who are these people they are showing on the screen? They look like the undead.
Jedward accusing James C of 'flirting with Coleen' haha. Nicola thinks 'it's offensive when people are married.' That's cos she's a mega flirt/ drunk mess.
Coleen: 'Apparently I slag you off behind your back.' John: 'It's OK, as long as to our face you're all love.' LOL. I love them. What a great attitude.
 James C called out on his DR bitching and Kim calling him a wonderful actor! Yessss. Kim: 'I wouldn't pick you up with two shitty sticks.' Nicola: 'Don't tell me to shut up.' Kim: 'Then shut up, big gob.' James in the middle of Kim and Nicola. Jedward pissing their pants.
Nicola: 'You're a no good, vile, scum of the earth..'
Kim: 'And you're famous for showing your knockers.' Zing!
Coleen agrees that Kim is vile. Nicola speaks for the house: 'Everyone agrees apart from Jedward.'
Kim: 'Go see a doctor.'
Edward (I can suddenly tell them apart tonight): 'Did I get the answer right?' Fantastic comedy timing. Nothing phases them.
Kim agreeing with Jedward's bitchy DR about Nicola, haha. I love the sour atmosphere.
I love Jedward saying Kim's 'James C needs to grow a set of balls' DR speech was 'award winning'!  And they won the quiz! Winning. Yesterday Kim was my winner for her rock band audition sob story, but tonight Jedward are my winners for eating dog food and being silly. I'm a bit worried about a split vote, so everyone has to vote for Kim AND Jedward a few times! Like at least twice each.
Coleen: 'Kim is the vilest woman I've ever met in my life.' And she's worked on Loose Women. Kim for Loose Women! Now THAT I would watch.
Jedward: 'You look like a gangster in the diary room' to Kim, haha. Kim: 'Half their opinions they don't even believe them as they say them.' That is deep. I agree!
Kim: 'I've never said a word about you boys.' She called them little twerps the other day, but I think it was for a task, haha.
All Nicola has done is try and stand up for women's rights (ie. doing Page 3 and calling other women slags on Twitter.) Not exactly the next Germaine Greer is she? Although she's a better housemate.
Bianca is telling Nicola not to feed the troll. Nicola IS the troll.
I love how rattled Kim's got everyone. No sitting back and coasting in the last week for these motherfuckers, haha. 
Jedward and Kim are bunkering down together. Kim: 'They're gross people.' Haha. Jedward: 'It's awkward when they're talking shit about you.' Aw. Kim: 'They're chinless wonders.'
Kim trying to make James C and Coleen a thing. Love it! It's so not a thing.
Nicola: 'If you paid her enough, she'd get her old saggy boobs out.' Bianca: 'Stop.' Bianca's a good friend.
Jedward: 'I think they should apologise to us for making us feel unwanted.' Good luck with that.
Coleen wants to confront Kim. I hope she does cos she'll get eviscerated, lovey.  
Jedward feel James should apologise to Kim. I hope they tell him too! Edward: 'There's not a peep out of him.' John: 'A bird would tweet more.'
Jedward wants everyone to get along but all the housemates are 'thick'. Yes they are thick. Thick cunts. 'I know Kim's strong and gangster... and just because everyone has an opinion of you, doesn't mean it's true.' So true. Both Kim and Jedward can be profound at times.
I hate James's choices for his fairy story characters, making Kim and Jedward the villians. I've gone right off James C tonight. I thought he was fun yesterday during the rock band task. His reading out the story is good. Outside contact there though with a random camera man.
Kim makes a great witch tipping groo on Bianca's nylon hair. Now I can see all the joins, ick. Kim: 'It smells like a penguin's chuff!' 
I like them making James say 'gang-handed chicken livered buggers.' On the whole though, this was an annoying end to the show, and completely pointless. Thanks Big Brother!
Please vote for Kim and Jedward twice! I'll be podcasting and if Coleen, Nicola or Bianca win, it will be about five minutes long. Vote KIMWARD! Love you.

Monday, 30 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Washed up and shipped out

Televised tweet of the week
Hi there! I hate the fact there are already spoilers about the 'shock' eviction. Either do it live, or don't bloody do it. Why should people have to hide from Twitter and the online papers all day? Sucks so much. Luckily, I'm adept at spoiler dodging. I just put one hand over my eye like Nicola during an argument.
I love Calum and Coleen trying to be Jedward now with the water fights etc. Nice try, losers.
Kim: 'Love and lust! Two different things. Every wrinkle tells a dirty tale. They couldn't publish my life story, it'd be far too mucky. It should be called The Temptress. It should start, 'dig me deep, I'm a long bodied woman...' Ooh, lovey. What masterful diary rooming.
Why is Bianca going to Coleen for advice, when John McCruick already said she's crap to go to for advice? Bianca doesn't know whether to 'pull away' from Jamie. That's what he'll be doing during sexy times with no condoms in the mix.
Jedward are 'going commando for easy access to their junk.' Good to know.
Jamie thinks Calum's opinion is 'irrelevant.' 'We spoke about it, then put it to bed, like men do.' Fuck you, sexist prick.
Ooh, the police are showing them tweets now in the 'interrogation room'. This will fuck up their day. They are playing Bianca someone having a go at her on a tape recorder. What decade is this?
They are showing someone calling Kim a 'horrible old witch.' Fuck that person. Kim is God. Kim respects the twit's opinion. I love Kim flirting with the copper.
Kim: I don't regret a thing in here I've done or said.' LOL at her stroking the copper's beard.
Jedward's synchronised eating when Coleen is getting her grilling for bitching.
I love James C saying the rude tweet was from his agent. 'A boring old man', that's a bit harsh. 'People need to stop worshipping him'. True.
OMG the Calum tweet is by someone I know off Twitter! Why can't it be my tweeeeeeetttt! His tweet is SO FUCKING GOOD, though. So true. So, so true. 'Dull as fuck, arrogant as fuck...' 
Calum will take all of it. 'LJ815... you my friend can suck a dick.' We all like sucking dicks, don't we, lovey? It's not really an insult, as sucking dicks is fun for all concerned in general, so STFU Calum.
Ooh I know the person who did the negative Jedward tweet too! I'm well jel now. Why not my tweets, BB? I think I might be friends with everyone who hashtags CBB on Twitter cos I think hardly anyone watches Big Brother. Why is Coleen calling Jedward two faced? They are just mucking about.
I like this tweet blaming Nicola for people leaving, haha.
I don't really get that tweet calling Jamie a snake, as he hadn't acted like a snake, just a dickhead. Misleading tweet. 'Bianca would be a massive catch for me.' What is she, a mermaid? 'You're a bellend. If you don't like it, fuck off.' No, you fuck off, maggot.
I like to think they did read out my tweets to someone, they just never showed it. I'll tell myself that.
Jamie is now grassing to Calum that Nicola just said Calum's 'not real'. Grass. The nerd herd are a-turning on each other!
Coleen is bitter than Jedward didn't 'take in' the mean tweets. Why should they? Also, Tara Reid took the time to get to know them. So something got through to them then.
Jedward on the trolls: 'If we went to their house I bet you'd find a 'I love Jedward tshirt'. I love them both sipping their tea together.
Last part of the Judgement day task. Vanessa is back to send someone DOWWWWWNNN.
When she called Jamie's name my heart soared. It was just delicious. He's 'guilty as charged.' What's the charge? Being a washed up footballer?
OMG! Jamie is a goner! Not even a goodbye! LOLLLLLLLL! That was fucking amazing. I loved the music, I loved everyone's faces, I loved the handcuffs, the whole thing was just magic. TAKE HIM AWAY! Calum's face was a picture. Bianca just looked gormless as usual. No goodbyes. Just 'he's going in another room.' No, he's not. No secret rooms this year. And we thought Austin got the shaft with his eviction.
The other housemates still don't think he's gone. Ha, it now says 'ex housemate' on the wall.
James C: 'It would be Jedward or Kim they would fake evict.' I like the fact Kim pulled him up on that.
Big Brother is telling Bianca in the DR that he's really gone. He doesn't even get a crowd!
Coleen doesn't understand why Kim stayed over Jamie. Cos Kim is entertaining as fuck and Jamie is a weasel.
Calum is definitely secretly enjoying it as Nicola packs up Jamie's velveteen jackets. Why is Nicola packing his things and not Bonka? Bianca is blaming herself. Don't slut shame yourself. The public spoke.
Jedward think Bianca should be 'bawling her eyes out' haha. Love it. They are more emotional and James C is about Jamie going.
Ooh, Kim is taking on James C, bring it! She's like the antidote to him because she SAYS it. He doesn't say it. James C is looking at her like she's nuts.
I like the look of a Jedward all wet look. I do not like Calum's loafers with no socks.
Kim 'is having a catch up' with Nicola. 'You puzzle me... when do you bury the hatchet?' I admire Kim!
'There's a deep sadness in you' to Nicola. 'You're a lost soul.' Nicola: 'I have some issues.' Shame that conversation didn't end with a fistfight.
Calum's annoyed because Jedward are singing in the bedroom. Calum: 'I just want the fucking show to end. I'll kill everyone. Fact.'
I liked Coleen calling him 'grumpy bollocks.' Calum says people don't know what's important in the house... like sleep. Zzzz. Boring twat.
Kim wants to win! 'I won't put an act on to win, though.' Yes. I love her calling Nicola brazen for saying she or Jedward should have left. It is rude!
Jedward are singing in high pitched voices in the kitchen. How can everyone sleep with all those lights on? No wonder Calum's grumpy. Where does James C sleep? In the smoking area?
One Jedward immediately blamed the other, haha. Calum: 'I'm begging you', grabbing his crotch.
Calum's tattoos are disgusting. I love Jedward giving it back to Calum. 'We respect you, you are right because in your head you're right.'
Bianca and Nicola are saying NOTHING. 
Calum: 'No you don't respect me because you want to argue with me.' He's SHOUTING. He's so angry these days! His game is falling to pieces.
Jedward: 'You came out here to have an argument.' True.
How come Calum is allowed to 'come at' Jedward like that? When Jedward aren't allowed to walk towards Nicola? The double standards are epic.
Jedward said it's 'ever since I nominated you', ha.
Calum: 'No respect, it's out of order... blah blah.'
Jedward: 'We've been rooting for him since day one. Sleep when you're dead.' Deadwood, in Calum's case. Ooh, it's vote to win now! Whoop!!
I'm leaning a bit more towards Kim to win now, but I'm going to vote for both Kim and Jedward.
That was a great episode: Jamie disposed of in a manner befiting him and Calum's personality cracks showing worse than his scalp. It's Kim or Jedward's to lose.

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't have enough phlegm for you

Your mum
Jedward have trashed the store room. I love Coleen's disgust. I mean, they could clean it up. But, you know, they're Jedward. Their mum normally does that for them.
Stacy: 'Hey, Jedwards, you need to clean the store room.' Jedward look non-plussed. I seem to remember them making a lot of mess in their first series and bugging the crap out of everyone.
Yas they're giving it back to Nicola: 'You turned the light on!' 'Only because you were just about to.' Um.
Coleen: 'They're knobheads.' You're a miserable lump. I love Jedward winding Nicola up. 'We can hear you, we're not deaf. These walls are paperthin.' So's Nicola's popularity. One Jedward looks less keen on yelling back at Nicola. The other is undeterred.
Ooh, Big Brother's Bit on the Inside (not as good as Bit on the Snide). Nicola 'used to be a glamour model but is now a wife and mother.' Those are not celeb credentials.
I love Spencer's crab eyes when asked a question about James C. Heidi is trying to be diplomatic. I like James C shaking their hands. He went higher!
Kim: 'Is your game below the belt at times?' to Speidi for saying Kim stank! Lol. Spencer did a 'spit and gag combination.' Goodness me. He denies all, citing the rulebook and denying 'doing a Dennis' with the statement 'I don't even have enough phlegm for you.' Ewww.
Lol James C and Calum getting called out for being fencesitters. Calum is a 'people pleaser' ie. card-carrying fanny rat. And that card is from the GUM clinic.
Ooh they are showing clips of Coleen bitching! Eep. Spencer: 'Two faced bitch.' Hahaha. Showing James C saying 'bite your fucking nose off' too. Haha. Speidi took that quite well... for now. I liked James C cuddling Heidi and Spencer going, 'Watch your nose.' He's on form tonight! I'm surprised he didn't take more umbridge at that. Probably too scared.
Ooh James and Bianca are under the grill about their romance. Is it just a holiday romance ie. Big Brother Brain? Yes.
Nicola's face when they played that clip of the 'secret code'. Bianca visibly gulped.
It's taking Jamie a while to twig about the secret code, I think. Jamie: 'You did say you were single.' Ouch. I feel sorry for Bianca! She's sweet. I suppose we needed another woman to slutshame this week, right?
Spencer is demanding to speak to his lawyer as Kim is libelling him saying he's spat on her. 'You need to get that footage of me not spitting on her.' How are they going to get that?!
Bianca doesn't have to justify herself to these muppets. Jamie is trying to grab the opportunity to look like Mr Innocent with both hands. 'She's come in here and binned her fella after two weeks.' Hopefully she'll bin you after two weeks, too, dopey-drawers.
Bianca is now crying in the DR cos Big Brother are big meanies. Who cares about her outside boyfriend? She obviously has terrible taste in men. He's probably a twat, too.
Jamie stroking his beard, pretending he cares. Bianca's boobs look amazing today. I like her outfit.
Jamie didn't come into the house to 'crack on with a bird.' No, he respects women far too much for that, fucking little goblin/ hobbit/ piece of shit.
Jamie: 'You can't be wishy washy, you're either in or you're out. I really like you. You should have said, this is the sitch.' The sitch? Go die.
Ooh, nominations! The housemates have to nominate one person each. There are some other rules, involving picking a card, but I got confused.
Speidi nominated Kim, Nicola nominated Jedward, Jedward nominated Bianca for her dating status! They shouldn't be allowed to slutshame in their nom, it's got nothing to do with them.
Oh, Jessica selected a Joker card which means she can't nominate. Good, she's not even a housemate as far as I'm concerned. She even ruined the live feed by being so criminally dull.
Calum got to save someone and he chose Coleen! I'm glad he chose her and not Jamie. Ugh, then Bianca saved Jamie. Fuck that. I hope she goes in his place then.
Kim got the Joker so can't nom. I don't like the random nature of this. I did like Spencer laughing at Kim and her going 'You're quite mental aren't you?' to him. She delivered the line so beautifully.
Coleen nominated Jessica (yes). James C got the Joker.
So neither Jamie, Nicola or Calum are up! Up are Bianca, Jessica, Jedward, Kim and Speidi. Jessica or Bianca to go then.
Kim's getting sloshed! Yesssss. 'It doesn't taste a bit like booze... I could have a load of that.' Line 'em up!
Calum is surprised to not be up for eviction. You and me both, bitch.
Spencer congratulating Jamie on not being evicted sooner, haha.
Kim is binge drinking and now starting on Spencer. Spencer: 'You're not getting a scene out of me.' Haha. Heidi grassing to Big Brother, what a pussy. Ha, Kim is starting on James C now. I love it. Give Kim more drink!
Kim has ruffled Speidi's feathers. Oh God, not more door opening and closing. Lol at Kim calling Spencer a 'mental midget'. Is he short?
I love Kim's red top and sunglasses, tres chic. Ooh, Kim is gonna tear a strip off Big Brother now.
'Do not do this to me! You are making a fool out of me with this young twerp! That rotten young pig that he is.' More DR rants for Kim, please.
Lol, I just noticed Jamie's tattoo: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Cringebag. Bianca's drunk again. Jamie wants to go and sleep in someone else's bed. Try Jedward's.
Save Speidward (again!)

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Not a dream or a nightmare, this is reality

Fanny rat on the turn
Someone at work said to me today, 'How can Calum Best be so ugly when his parents were so beautiful?' Good question. The weirder part is how many people STILL find him attractive.
Not voting tonight cos there's too many people up and it's a Tuesday. LOTS of Nicola hate online today about the Kim/mum comment. I get it, but I also think people are just looking to take Nicola down over something. And now this has happened, they're delighted. Don't get me wrong, I do not like Nicola. But I thought she'd handled the Kim situation quite well until that point. Better than I would have done, anyway.
Spencer going 'blergh' in Coleen's face and saying, 'This is not a dream or a nightmare, this is reality.' Haha. Coleen is trying to set James C on Spencer. Spencer didn't 'pull the covers off her' nor scare her. She's hamming it up.
I would be annoyed with Stacy hiding food. If someone wants Nutella, why can't they just get it out the cupboard? Why does Stacy have to be food monitor? Bring back Austin and his water bottles and his shouting and his arse.
Calum thinks Coleen is milking the Spencer situation, as do I. I hate agreeing with Calum. Coleen: 'Spencer screamed in my face three times and no one said anything.' You say something, Coleen. Stick up for yourself! 'Screamed' is pushing it. He just went 'blergh.' Blergh is not screaming. Just ask Timmy Mallett. Spencer is growing his pube beard back again though, which I think should be vetoed. I can't believe Heidi allows it. Saw their arch nemisis 'Toadjerk' on CBBBOTS yesterday. Douche!
James C finds the 'feral catfight distasteful.' James is being a bit of a snob again. He looks like he should be put on suicide watch. SMILE, James. Enjoy your pass to the final. CBB is one long endurance task for him.
Can't believe Stacy is turning round James C saying he was violent back on him. Gross. He was confiding in her!
My brain switches off when Jessica speaks. Her rows with Stacy are mute button times. I don't care about either one of them, they're both in the wrong, and both muppets, and every second spent on them is seconds I'm not watching Speidi or Jedward and I hate them for it. Although Stacy did say 'gang handed' so she wins as far as I'm concerned.
Kim to Jedward: 'Do you think I'm going to spend the ten years I've got left dealing with shitbags?' Lol.
Jamie plans to 'get Bianca in his bed.' Gross. He's respectable and will 'treat her like a lady until he gets her out of there.' Grim. Then he's abuse her in a Travel lodge.
Jedward's Riddler jackets are tres chic.
Ugh, what are Bianca and Jamie doing in that toilet? 'Thie things I'm going to do to you when I get out of here.' Take your velveteen smoking jacket off for a start, pimp daddy. And make sure she's sober first. Good luck with that, though.
Jamie is not in the house to 'have a TV romance.' I think he just wants to shag a drunk Bianca.
Then they said 'I love you' to each other in bed. How many mini cans of gin and tonic was that after?
I love Jedward's pizza outfits. They are amazing. Nicola having a go at Jedward: fuck you, bitch.
What is Nicola's problem with them? Doesn't like them entertaining the public? SHE is the one who switched the light on full blast and went after them like a banshee! I like the person on Twitter @LucyAnnRed who said 'Nicola's eye has popped out again.' Tweet of the week.
Get who out? Crowd are quiet! Jamie got booed, woo! Jedward got booed and Jessica got cheers!? WTF. Nicola got some cheers! The crowd is like the exact opposite of my Twitter timeline.
Oh, Stacy got evicted, even with all that airtime! LOUDER doesn't mean safer. Well I'm amazed a black woman lasted this long in Brexit Britain. Who voted to save Jamie? Fuck you! Subjecting us to more slurping, ick.
What is going on with Stacy's hair? I don't like the slick look. I prefer her crazy curls. I'm not really liking her bottle green dress with her boobs bouncing out, either. Stacy should have made it to the finals, really. Oh well.
Emma finally has an opinion about something... and it's that she'd 'blow' if someone put her washing on the floor. I wouldn't give a fuck. It's going in the washing machine after.
Stacy: 'Is Kim senile?' Yes. I liked Stacy's joy at saying the word 'telly'. I liked her plug for herself at the end too, haha.
Well, that was a bit of a damp squib of an eviction, but it is a Tuesday, so what else are you gonna do? Suck it up, I guess. Speidward FTW.

Monday, 23 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Underwars

The H list
Hello there! Sorry no weekend blogs, I did do a podcast with my friend Gaz though, so check it out if you haven't already...
So Nicola has moved beds away from Speidi. Heidi just wants to be 'neutral' ie. just do what Spencer tells her. I thought Spencer was being a prick yesterday. You can't really say Speidi have turned up when they're being that petty to someone who was a friend to them. I did like Jedward in the ball pit though, and I especially liked Calum and Jamie being left out in the cold. Come back when you're a ten, boys.
I don't know why Nicola is having a go at Stacy about Speidi. She's 'no wallflower'! Why not say it to Speidi and NOT Stacy then?
Ooh, washing wars. Kim is putting Stacy's dirty undies on the floor. On my timehop today was about Stephanie Davies dirty knickers getting shown to the house, so it's obviously the time of year for it.
Kim did apologise to Stacy and said 'no offence meant' so I'm notquite sure why Stacy then went postal.
Stacy is an idiot kicking off on nomination day. 'Schizophrenic two personality bitch' is true about Kim, though. At least Kim is giving it back to her, calling Stacy a big mouth. Seriously, is it worth getting this upset about, lovey?
Kim isn't as fiery when not drunk. 'You'd make a wonderful town crier' was quite funny, though. 'Two tomatoes short of a salad.'
I love the fact Nicola came into the bedroom to watch the argument. I would, too. Heidi decides to make up with Nicola while it's kicking off with Stacy and Kim, ha. I wasn't sure which conversation to listen to! 'Let's just move forward.' No apology there. Did Spencer give her permission? Nicola was meek as a mouse there. Total wallflower!
Jamie going: 'I'm horny' to Bianca, grim. He's only interested in her in there, isn't he? Big Brother balls.
James C will not kick off at Speidi in the house as they're 'playing a game' but outside he'd 'bite his nose off.' Ha. 'Outside they wouldn't behave like that.' I think they would, actually.
Jessica is treating Calum 'like a piece of meat.' Offal.
Stacy is trying to get to the inner workings of James C. He's been violent in the past! Ooh. Interesting. This is like a real conversation, I'm amazed they aired it. James won't go back to being 'the old him'. I guess being that old you get some perspective.
Ooh, it's not face to face noms, but them playing noms on the screen! Ooh, anyone who gets one nom is up! Brill. I love both these things, cos the noms are more honest than face to face, and putting anyone with one nom up gets Speidi off the hook.
Speidi's nomination against Coleen/ James C is dumb as fuck. Coleen is 'spying' for James C.
Spencer: 'Nicola broke what's left of Speidi's CBB heart.' Boo and indeed hoo. Stop kissing arse and being understanding Nicola.
Coleen nominated Kim for being mental them being Snow White and Jedward for being 'bizarre'. Jedward have a nasty side 'IN THE BED.' OMG.
James C nominated Kim for 'condescending the younger housemates' and Jedward for 'excessive food consumption' and their 'continued performance which is irritating'. Haha.
Jedward nommed Stacy for screaming (fair point) and for making small things huge and Nicola. Ugh, is no one gonna nominate Jamie? UGH!
Nicola nominated Kim and Jedward for 'making her stressed.'
Jamie nominated Kim 'as he doesn't want to be seen that way' (as an adulterer, I guess). And Jessica as he feels awkward around her. Hopefully she'll go then.
Jessica nominated Stacy and Jamie! Thank God Jamie is up. I would LOVE for him to go.
Calum nominated Jedward and Kim. I liked Jedward saying 'we've got better hair'. Ooh, Calum is going to regret saying Jedward teamed up with Speidi in his nom. Spencer won't forget that.
Bianca nommed Kim and Jedward. Not the 'can't take any criticism' thing again. I have some criticism for you, Bianca. You're a lush with bad taste in men and you look stoned half the time. I'm not even convinced you like killer whales. Hope you can take that criticism OK.
Stacy nominated Jessica and Kim. Good, Jessica needs to go.
Kim nominated Stacy because Kim doesn't want to walk round on eggshells (lol) and Nicola/Nicole for the usual reasons. I want Speidi to team up with Kim against Nicola.
Kim won't tell Nicola what she's lied about. She doesn't have to say! I don't think there is anything, to be honest. Nicola: 'If you liked me, I'd be mortified.'
Kim: 'Be a woman and take it on the chin.' Kim is right, Nicola does want to do it in front of the whole group so she can look like the 'good person'.
So everyone was nommed apart from Calum, Bianca and James C (ie. the deadwood section).
I really hope Jamie goes now. Who would vote to save him!?
Woah, Nicola is really angry. Starting on a gran again. Nicola: 'I have never looked like an idiot in this house.' Er, OK then. Nicola is coming across an irrational harridan, showing off to try and win Speidi back. She's like the second in command school bully.
Kim: 'You're a mum, grow up.' Nicola: 'And you're not, and that's the problem.' Kim is actually, it's just her baby was stillborn. Sensitivity not Nicola's strong point, there. She will go lower... true. I don't think there is any lower than that, to be honest.
James C in the DR moaning that Speidi aren't too bright. I don't think that's true. They are 'professional reality people' though. Just like Calum.
Spencer trying to wind Coleen up about only her sister voting for her, haha.
Spencer to Coleen: 'Your acting sucks, lucky you're a host of some panel show.'
OMG Spencer saying James C isn't 'A list' 'Braveheart was in 97.' His 'own men killed him on Game of Thrones'. That's BRILLIANT! 'They stabbed him straight in the face.' Spoiler! Ooh, Spencer is giving Coleen evils! Spencer is drunk. In fact, everyone is drunk as fuck. Speidi are even having a group hug with Nicola now. Spencer: 'It's a compliment to you that we acted so badly.' That is twisted logic. Speidi: 'We need help.' True.
Speidi have a new target now... Coleen (and James C!)
Coleen calling Spencer talentless. Spencer has a natural charisma that Coleen doesn't have. Heidi is dressed like a middle aged housewife today, her jeans are too high up and she's got a Deirdre Barlow roll neck on.
So have Speidi got nastier since they were eternally nominated? Are they going the full Helen Wood? I'm just glad to see them bitching at last. Save Speidi and Jedward!

Friday, 20 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Trying to take down Bambi

Womb people
They fucking love pressing buttons in Big Brother, don't they? All around the world, Big Brother contestants press buttons. Derrick, Luke S, Ika, Dan Gheesling, Jason Burrill... even Nicola McClean is an old hand at it.
Ooh Emma's pink lipstick looks divine. I don't mind her hair or coat either. Still not a fan of the rapist gloves, but I'll give her a pass for now.
Ooh are there 'who's on the block' spoilers depending on who's dressed up tonight, ala BBUS? I have avoided seeing who's on the block cos I want to enjoy the button pushing in all its glory.
Coleen and James C in the old codgers corner. James: 'Don't, don't' at the thought of Jedward's lapdance. Hold on, Coleen didn't Coleen a lapdance for Calum! Hypocrite. Chloe is everything Coleen doesn't want her daughter to be. Well, fair enough.
Chloe is wrapped in a blanket that looks like a furry pink vagina. Picking her nose in the diary room: a new low.
Jedward annoying Nicola and saying 'is it your time of the month?' That's not going to go well.
Bianca likes Jamie, eww. What for?!
Chloe can barely speak. 'Have you ever been to Ibiza before?' to James C. His face tells me not. I guess Borehamwood swimming pool isn't as warm as San Antonio.
I do sympathise with James C but he's coming off a bit snooty now, what with refusing the costume and sneering at Chloe. It's too easy to sneer at Chloe: believe me, I know. But it's a trap Big Brother has set us.
Ha, Stacy and Bianca are telling Chloe off for being 'on Calum' last night. Can't Calum speak for himself. Is he incapable of saying no? Now cuddling her! MIXED MESSAGES. Calum is such a vagina tease. No, 'fanny tease' works better.
OK so here's the button pushing. If you push the button before your sidekick, you're safe. If neither push, you're both safe. If you lose, you're on the block.
EVERYONE is gonna push it, unless they wanna go home. We know Nicola can push a button quick. Quicker than two Jedward. 'Save save save' and 'Me me me' not as good as 'shred shred shred'.
Speidi AND Bianca didn't press! Aw!
Ooh, Kim vs Calum! I know Kim's up! Boo. Ooh, Kim didn't even press. Good gaming! Typical selfish fanny rat Calum.
I like James's fake pressing of it. Ooh, Jessica didn't press either. James wants to go! Denied.
Jamie vs Coleen! Will they press? How much conferring time did they get? Coleen didn't push and Jamie did! Shit.
Nicola: 'Coleen won't take it personal.' James: 'Oh, she will.' Lol.
Stacy, press the button! She pressed it HARD! Haha.
Up for eviction is Chloe, Kim, Coleen and Jedward! Hope Jedward is safe. I also hope Kim is safe. I don't think Coleen deserves to go. Chloe should go.
Jedward are getting more cheers than previously. I LOVE their glittery jackets.
Stacy apologising for pressing the button to Chloe. Who cares? Chloe doesn't count. Just ask James C.
So Stacy is getting moaned at for pressing but Calum gets a pass? Pft. What about Jamie? He pressed too. Seems like it's fine for the guys to push buttons but not girls. Ooh, James C is calling Jamie a rat. Love it!
Calum: 'I have no loyalty to Kim.' He has no loyalty... ever.
Stacy shouting at Jedward is good for their game when the phonelines are open. Jedward are the house punching bag.
Ooh Bianca has a boyfriend outside by the look of things! Stephanie Davis times. Imagine leaving your boyfriend for Jamie. Yick.
Jedward: I've not seen so much guyliner since John James was in the house. They don't think Stacy is allowed an opinion because she doesn't have a single out. 'It's like trying to take down Bambi.' Should Jedward be referring to THEMSELVES as Bambi? That's pretty weird.
Claum flashing his arse at Stacy. He's such a slut.
Jessica's accent is horrendous. I can't bear it. WHY are we not seeing more of Speidi?! I'm mad.
Oh God, Stacy vs Jessica again. Why is Jessica not up so we can get rid of her? Even her own mother wouldn't save her.
Now instead of one upping childhoods, they're one upping bad times in the BB bungalow.
Ooh Coleen saying Jessica is full of shit, ha. Love it.
Calum's jacket with the lips on is non-stop eek.
They didn't push a 'buzzer' they pushed a 'button'. Where are the electric shock suits? We've had the fish guts. Electric shock suits are better. Except James C won't wear his.
I really hope Chloe goes. Some hope, right.
Kind of explains why Bianca is so quiet if she has a boyfriend. Her and Jamie are future planning. Dubai, but first stop, magazine deal. All these scummy celebrities to to Dubai, don't they? I wouldn't go to Dubai if you paid me.
Calum appears to be rubbing something on Chloe's boobs.
God, it's so bright in that bedroom. Calum: 'Think about your careers' to Jamie and Bianca under the covers. What careers? What's your career?!
Ooh here we go. Jedward doing their Twitter shout outs, lol. That's so BBUS.
Ooh they are telling them who got the MOST votes. And it's COLEEN. WTF! That's gonna throw the cat among the pigeons. That is random. Who is voting this year? Must be oldies voting for James C and Coleen. I'm glad they told the house that, though.
Anddddd we're back.
So one housemate gets eternal immunity (Helen Wood) and one gets eternal nominations (Bear).
Jedward have different hairdos! OMG it's Chloe! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I love you. Finally you see sense.
I actually don't mind her rubbery catsuit. The only bad thing about her leaving is it's a relief for Calum.
James C is having a great night! His bessie saved and the irritant gone. Should have pushed the button. Should have taken the car, Pieface. Should have used the veto, Marcellas. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It's your fault, Chloe, not Stacy, not anyone else's.
Chloe was only in for a week but I bet it was easy to do her best bits. She gets best bits. Austin didn't even get best bits.
Notice Emma doesn't have a go at Chloe for her base behaviour in the house.
Don't let the housemates choose who gets eternal immunity! Bollocks. Let us choose. Don't do a Pauline!
Big Brother is stuttering.
Bianca chose Jamie, Calum chose James C (doesn't he want to go!), Coleen chose James C for being 'her rock' (Paul Burrell times), Speidi chose Nicola, James chose Jamie (why!!!! Why not Coleen), Jamie chose James C (not Bianca!), Jedward chose Spencer and Heidi (aw), Jessica chose Jedward (sweet!), Kim chose Jedward too! Amazing. Nicola chose Coleen (trying to crawl to the public). Stacy chose James C.
James C: 'Now they can see the real me.' He's gonna go the full Helen Wood. You pigeon chested twats!
James C nominated Speidi for eternal nomination! Nooooo! Whhhhhhhhy? Hopefully Speidi will buck up their ideas now. I wanna see them GO TO WAR.
At least Calum or Jamie didn't get the eternal immunity. GROSS!
I consider tonight a win. We live to fight another day. Jed safe and Speidi safe... for now. I have heard rumours of some exes coming in, including Calum's ex? Who next? The guy who delivers Calum's papers? Calum's dentist? Calum's hair technician? Calum is not that interesting. Flip the script, Big Brother. Use your imagination. Or just leave shit alone. One or other.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm being banged by Jedward

Borehamwood swingers party livens up
Did Kim spend the night in the David Gest suite? There's a conspiracy against her, my love.
I love how Kim just comes back into the house with a smile on her face. Calum doesn't like her 'vibe or demeanour.' Jamie looks hungover. My mum said he's 'lovely' and 'handsome'. I had to double check who she was talking about as I thought it couldn't be him.
OK so the task is superheroes and sidekicks but James is refusing to wear lycra. You're an actor, surely you wear whatever you're paid to wear. Also, I'm now imagining what he looks like in the outfit. He can't stop me. I'm picturing him in hot pink lycra.
Jedward are the 'Defensive Duo' and Nicola is their sidekick Mean McLean, haha. I can't be arsed to write down all the other names cos most of them aren't funny. Ha, Calum has to be Kim's sidekick. Unluckly. Bonka from the strip club is Speidi's sidekick.
Kim likes her tea like I do, weak and milky, hehe. I like seeing Calum having to bow and scrape to Kim. I just wish it was Jamie. Jedward are going to spank Nicola until she can't feel her butt? Sounds a bit sexual for them. Nicola is making them a manky cup of tea (ie. how I'd like it). This is not that exciting.
Out of context CBB highlights: Coleen saying, 'I'm being banged by Jedward!'
James C is trying to psychoanalyse Kim. Good luck, mate. I don't think she'll dare take him on. He looks weary. He's war torn in there.
Ooh, Jedward's dark lipstick is kind of sexy in a weird way. They are happy with their superhero outfits cos they enhance their figure. Something about Enya and shamrocks.
Kim is stroking Calum. I love Jedward annoying Nicola. This task is boring, though.
Calum is showing off his package in the diary room. We've already seen it all on Skype, mate. He's got a long skinny one. Eek! So gross.
Kim and Nicola are... making up? Ok, not making up. Nicola is worried Kim isn't getting 'resolvement.' Resolvement sounds like a hangover cure. James C is right, Kim is like a dog with a bone.
The truest thing Nicola ever said was 'how can everyone be wrong and you be right?' Kim: 'They crucified Jesus.' Comparing yourself to Jesus is fun, though.
For the next task, Big Brother is doing CGI. CGI! They could have spent that money on decent housemates. Still got some fish guts left over from yesteryear, though. James C appears to be wearing lycra now he's on the green screen. Turncoat! That part of the task was quite amusing, I guess.
Why have a cold shower?! Just don't have a shower for a day. Who cares? Oh, they were covered in bird shit? Weeeelll.
Kim wouldn't like to sleep with a guy who has a pierced penis or gold teeth. I think you're probably OK, my love. Stick to the mucky movies!
Chloe is gossiping with Jessica about kissing Calum on the lips. Her lips are disgusting, she looks deformed.
The housemates now have to drink a 'truth serum'. Apparently the truth serum is Apple Sours. I have a friend who's mad for Apple Sours. I could find out all his secrets!Nicola has had naughty thoughts in the Big Brother house, and so has James C. Lovely.
James C said he found Kim the most irritating! More irritating than Chloe! Ouch.
Jamie has 'very strong feelings' for Bianca. It's a classic case of Big Brother brain. What a numpty. Run, Bianca, run! He's coming on way too strong.
Jessica is crying about Chloe and Calum again. I love Stacy calling her a clown. Stacy is coming into her own lately. Jessica is absolutely pathetic. The sappiest housemate I've ever seen. Waste of airtime.
Jedward listing Britney songs looked very rehearsed. I don't like that.
Chloe is trying to molest Calum. He looks disgusted by her, yet he lets her sit on his lap. Why? He just loves the attention!
Jessica wants to hang out with Kim outside the house. Yet more evidence of her being deluded. Kim is going to treat her. That was a weird nice side to Kim for a second there. Kim is an enigma. Maybe it's just alcohol that turns her psycho?
Chloe has gone to put a bikini on and is now gyrating on a Jedward. He seemed to like it! They she pushed him over in a chair! Was that John or Edward?! Lol. I think she was trying to make Calum jealous.
Spencer telling Chloe to pursue Calum harder, haha. Nice one.
Jamie in the DR being a sap: 'Bianca's got a fantastic aura.' You don't, you're like a little pug. He's going a bit OTT with her now. Give the girl a break. Stalker alert!
Calum isn't drinking. He's patronising Chloe yet calling her gorgeous. It's a mixed message! The show ends on Jamie and Bianca in bed. WEAK ENDING. Nobody likes a weak ending.
Get someone out! Who's even on the block? What's going on with this show? Who knows? I've decided Kim is good value though, just because impressions and memes of her have been making me laugh all day. Kim to win? Could be worth a squirt!

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Marshall lathers

Gotta be starting somethin'
Just watched last night's live feed and some interesting bits! I would kill to see a few hours of Jedward or Spiedi a week just chatting. Instead we just get fake arguments and stripping off. Zzz. Spencer said he knows Chloe is going to win because he knows the British public and we're sick, basically.
James C not impressed with Kim's antics. 'A terrible desperation.' Spencer is winding her up. How come he gets away with it?!
Chloe: 'I wonder who's got the biggest willy of all the boys.' Chloe thinks Stacy means James C has got a big one, but she actually meant James J. Dearie me, lovey.
Kim calling Spencer 'trash' and 'scum'. 'We don't mix with scum, we wash it down the sink. I never look for trouble, my love.'
Jamie fancies Bianca, but I don't think she likes him. Why would she? He has nothing going for him. Nicola's jealous. 'I thought you were thinking she was more of a friend?' Transparent.
Door wars! This is what passes for entertainment in the Big Brother house. Spencer vs Kim. Petty. Is it warm or is it hot? It's fucking freezing out. Heidi is keeping out of it, I notice. Look, she's actually in a seperate room to her husband. Insane! They have progressed. To be less fun. But I do believe this being nice bullshit is just fake as well.
Kim has given up on the door war because it's childish. Yes, it is childish. Spencer giving it back to her and calling her scum as well. His game is not on point at the moment. I'm hoping he'll step it up a gear or two soon.
Chloe: 'What does 'wordly wise' mean?' 'Albert Ein-thing.' Nice try, you knew what he was called. She's probably in Mensa. Ok, maybe not.
James C breaking down if your eyes pop out when you sneeze. What is a 'fishwife's tale'? It's an old wives tale! The thick is rubbing off on James C.
Calum is educating Chloe on dinosaurs. 'God bless you.' He's so patronising.
It must be the egg that comes first, not the chicken. I agree with Jamie. Chloe: 'God you're dead clever, I would never think it.' Lol. Chloe, put some clothes on already.
Chloe is flashing her arse at John and rubbing her arse on his back. Oh Jesus. He's 'not attracted to her.' Don't blame him!
Nicola is trying to get Bianca to get off with Jamie now because she can't. Bianca 'thinks he's lovely.' Doesn't sound like she does.
Wow, Chloe is getting a warning or rubbing her arse on John. Well, thinking about it, Aaron Frew did less. I guess as a girl you get away with mild sexual assault better. And can't we have that, at least? You men have everything else! I don't see it as a big issue, to be honest. What does John/and or Edward say about it? I'd like to hear their conversation about it after.
They're rattling through the eviction quickly. I like Bianca's nightie she's wearing and her flasher mac. Heidi is crying at James going. Ha, Spencer is, too. Man up. Wow, Heidi and Spencer are still crying. Jedward trying to comfort them. Is Spencer fake crying? I wouldn't put it past him. I think this is just a new dimension to their game, to be honest.
Chloe to Calum: 'Tell me what you like about me and I'll tell me what I like about you.' Calum: 'Your bone structure.' 'What's that?' My least favourite thing(s) about Calum is his weird ears and hair transplant if you were wondering. Oh, and his personality.
Spencer doesn't like getting a hug, even off James C. James C's hugs look great.
Now Spencer is being anti-Jedward too! BOO!
Jamie: 'See them jumping on the bed?' So what?! What do you care if they jump on the bed? It's not your bed. Fuck off. You wouldn't mind banging the shit out of Bianca on the bed, rat face, so zip it.
Bianca is drunk. She's obsessed with killer whales. I didn't see that coming. That's like Calum suddenly announcing he's into panpipes.
TAPS ON TIMES for Jamie and Bianca! Yuck. She must be desperate. He's gross. She's gone down in my estimation now.
Ooh I saw this on the live feed last night, 'I've had a worse life than you' one upping is as low as it gets. Lowest common denominator. Stacy and Jessica: 'I've been slapped around.' 'I've been through worse.' Shut up. Gross. Don't use your life experience as a bargaining chip.
What is the point of this Jessica idiot? She's come in the house, with a boyfriend, tried to get off with Calum and is now shouting about her awful life. Yeah, it is pretty awful. Tragic looking at it from here. What a loser. Also Kim buried her stillborn baby, so she wins/ loses.
I've started liking Stacy now, just because I'm familiar with her and know her personality. She was there on day one! She's a survivor.
Oh God, Kim is kicking off at Nicola again. Tiring. I'm worn out. Kim: 'I don't leave things.' Aint that the truth!
Nicola is drunk. 'Go to the diary room and don't ever come back.' We wish! I would end up punching Kim so I think Nicola is being very restrained. Kim is like a mum or gran out of a Virginia Andrews novel. She shitstirs then acts the innocent! 'Here just get in this scalding hot bath...'
Kim in the DR: 'Nicole is the Mafia.'
Calum said goodnight to Kim and Bianca called him a 'kiss arse', ha. Kim is still calling Nicola 'Nicole.' That whole argument was literally caused by Calum saying goodnight.
Kim: 'Don't start! You want to be punished? You aint seen nothing yet. You want trouble? By Christ you're going to get it.' Uh oh. Threats!
The look of glee on Spencer's face is hilarious.
Bianca pipes up with 'bore me later.' She's so drunk she's got subtitles. At least this meant her and Jamie didn't get any action tonight.
Nicola is a good friend to Bianca. Why does Nicola have her hand over one eye? 'You're an old lady.' Haha.
Ooh, Jamie sticking up for Nicola! Kim: 'You're a chicken livered bunch... chicken livered shits.' Stern Big Brother is coming over the tannoy. This is the kind of ten minutes of Big Brother you have to watch twice just to get all the facial expressions in.
I love it when one person is in the DR and it's all kicking off outside, and they obviously don't have enough staff on to cope with a row.
Ooh, Jamie coming for Kim! Stern Big Brother sounds panicked. 'Jamie should not leave the bedroom!'
Look at the rage in Jamie's eyes! Aggressive little prick. Appearing as if you're going to lay out an old age pensioner is not a good look. Spencer got up to defend him, aw, haha.
Kim: 'You're a bunch of chinless wonders! Cowards!'
Where did all the security even come from? It's like they just appeared out of nowhere. Outside contact! Hahaaa.
Bianca looks happy, like she's used to this on a night out. It definitely has Northampton town centre vibes, but without getting bottled.
You can tell Spencer thinks James is an idiot for shouting at an old woman. Don't get me wrong, Kim is batshit crazy and totally wrong/ psycho, but these people are sent to test you. How you react proves who you are as a person, Jamie. But we already knew who he was, didn't we?
Talking of cowards, where's Calum while all this is kicking off?
I love James Cosmo sitting in the garden looking disgusted.
Jamie: 'I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.' Not very nice.
Kim: 'You're an adulterer!' Haha. The security guard has got drink all down her back. That security guard should get danger money. Where's the one who shit up Bear? He could deal with an angry Kim I reckon. Kim: 'Oh, lovey, these ratbags, they put me through Hell' to security. I think Kim actually has some sort of problem. She shouldn't be in there.
I wish we could have seen more of that! I feel cheated. Half the show should have just been that.
I really feel like Nicola could win at this point, off the back off this madness. And I wouldn't be that upset about it. In fact, I'd like to have her in my corner in an argument! What has become of me?

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Whatever you've heard, it's from a pack of sheep

Bant-urgh
Who goes? We decide. Makes a change! I don't even know who's up for eviction, so what gives? It all feels a bit cobbled together this series. I liked this series until the first eviction. Now it just feels like a conveyor belt, like when they swapped people with that glittery loo roll and they didn't swap Danny Wisker (ugh) but we did get Marc O Neil (so that was something). We get invested in housemates, when you evict them, it's like when our favourite dies in a soap. If it's a democracy, it's just about bearable, but the Austin bullshit was deplorable, and even Jasmine got the shaft, but, weeeeelll.
Interview with Jasmine. I like her 'get it in the back door' joke. She does joke!
Jasmine is used to a healthy lifestyle, not the toxic atmosphere of the BB house. Emma is not a fan of Jasmine's foul mouth. Why does she have to rein/reign (both look wrong) in the language? It's past the watershed, stop being so prissy.
Jasmine admitted in her interview that she dated Calum before. Mind you, who hasn't?
Emma thinks the crowd are booing her. They probably are cos she's so uptight, her hair looks shit, and yet more office wear. Sigh. The way she told off Jasmine there just reminded me of all the things I hate about Emma. Stuck up.
New housemates are immune from nominations but can still vote. Bullshit. The new housemates are like when your favourite in a soap gets replaced with a different actor but playing the same character. Not good.
I like Kim winding Nicola up. So much for respect for your elders. Mind you, Kim is a mega cunt. Is she for real, or is she faking it? I can't even tell anymore. She seems totally insane.
James J nominated Jedward and Speidi. BOOO! Bad noms. James J nommed Jedward. Ugh. Yet also Calum! Yay.
Calum nommed James J and Jedward. Chloe nominated Jedward because she's 'heard they're shit stirrers'. I liked Jedward saying 'whatever you've heard it's from a pack of sheep.' Too true. Chloe also nommed James C, prob cos she gets the vibe that he (correctly) can't fucking stand her.
Jamie nominated Jedward for 'thinking it's the Jedward show' and for 'wanting to win the show'. Um, isn't that the name of the game? To win? Twatface.
Jamie also nommed James J for calling him 'a washed up footballer'. Another fact.
Coleen nominated Jedward and Jamie.
OMG Speidi nommed James (which one?!) for being a threat (oh, James C) and Jamie for 'unaccetably screaming at Jedward.' Not cool! Not cool is right.
Bianca nominated Jedward and James C. Bad noms.
Jedward nominated James J and Nicola. Why not Jamie after the way he shouted at them! That was a fail.
Jessica nominated Coleen and James C. New people should not be allowed to nominate, who cares what they fucking think? No one cares who Pointless Pav or Sam 'loving life' votes for. Then they just get evicted all in a row. We know the drill.
Kim nominated Nicole (Nicola), got angry when Nicola corrected her name and moaned about 'gang handedness' again and then started to fake cry. Start calling Kim Karen and see how she takes it. 'It's a shame such a lovely girl with a kind heart is such a bitch.' Those two things don't go together. Kim also nominated Bianca for no reason. She's nuts.
Nicola nominated Jedward for being 'defensive'. No wonder they're defensive, everyone's having a fucking go at them. Nicola nominated James C because she doesn't want to swear in front of him. What?! That is NOT a reason.
Stacy nominated Jedward for being 'covertly hostile.' Jedward are twitching. One in particular is taking it worse. These noms are putting me on edge. I hate the way they're talking to Jedward, it's disgusting. Bad atmosphere!
James C,  James J and Jedward on block. I don't want any of these three to go when the three new people are still there. It's not fair! Fuck you, Big Bro. Crowd chanting 'get Jedward out', fuck you as well, creeps.
Still, that was good for Jedward getting kicked just before the lines opened, cos people feel sorry for them then.
What has Nicola actually done to Kim? Is Kim going senile? She's batty as fuck. I LOVE the term 'gang handed' though. Stacy trying to talk sense into her. Don't bother. Stacy swerved the noms well there, didn't she? Stacy is back under the radar, nice work.
I think James C is ready to go. I want him to stay but I feel he should go, cos this is beneath him. It's beneath me watching it.
I like the way one Jedward acts like he's personally attacked when they have a go at both of them. He's like 'the reasons you nominated me..' not 'us'. Imagine being so close to someone that you're a me not an us. That's cool.
Jedward just tried to ask James J what the problem was and he walked off, so what can they do?
Why is Kim intent on saying they'll all not be friends? 'Why is James Cosmo being voted out because he's nice... cos the world is a miserable place.' She's actually right. That's why they swapped Austin for her and the Geordie Shore numpty (not much airtime for her tonight, what a shame.)
Kim is pushing Spencer and everyone looks on edge. I think they're missing Austin's brand of wonky eyed unhingedness rather than Kim's. What has Nicola done to Kim?! Nicola is being quite restrained. I think I'd cry if I was her. It's great for her game though if she plays it right.
The crowd are like a baying mob. Gross.
OMG James Jordan got evicted! Sweet! James C seems to be building up quite the momentum! I think it's an anti newbie vote. Don't bother nomming James C, he's untouchable!
Although I hate him, I still think it's criminal James Jordan has gone with some of the others still in the house. He was at least trying to entertain us, and he knew he was a cunt, he wasn't just a cunt trying to disguise he's a cunt like Jamie or Calum.
I'm not surprised Jedward were saved with the way they were 'gang handed' just before the vote was open. Hopefully James Jordan will think twice about the way he spoke to them. Unlikely, though.
Why are Jamie and Calum looking so glum in the background?
I thought James's interview was quite good. He comes across quite well apart from his annoying voice and going on about 'banter.' Ick. Lol, was Spencer really crying at him leaving? Good God. My England, my kryptonite. Up your game, man!
Will James C still be James C now James J has gone? Luke A never shook off that A, did he? Luke S, though. He knows how to shake off a whole suitcase full of cash. #neverforget #onemississippi
I was feeling very depressed in the first half of that show, but James Jordan's eviction saved it for me.
Time to kick out some newbies, please. It said when they went in, one wouldn't last the weekend. So why are there still three hanging round, cluttering up the place? DUMB. I hate it when Big Brother forgets to go through with it's own twists.
Anyway, somewhere on a sofa tonight, White Dee is angry, Audley Harrison is laughing and Gary Busey is honking at the sky.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm as fake as your face

Hair and scare
So I took a little break from my blog for the weekend to calm down a bit, ha, Why should I do this shit daily when they treat us like such chumps? I'm embarrassed for myself. This is CBB but we have Americans watching, we have Canadians watching, we have Australians watching. Let's not piss the bed and act like that's normal. Not again.
So I know someone has been evicted already but I've avoided spoilers! Go me. But also, fuck you, Big Brother for not doing it live and ruining it for so many people. They never learn.
Fuck me, what does Calum Best smell of? I think he should bring out an aftershave called 'Inexplicable'. All the women love him! He's gross. I don't get it! It's not just that he's got a face like a potato, it's this fake nice guy, 'reformed lothario', retired fanny rat bullshit when we all know the second he gets out the house he's gonna be balls deep in whatever fanny's nearest.
Kim's career advice to Chloe: 'Don't stand on a corner and say £20 for a blowjob. If you're going to sell your body, go to an escort agency.' She thinks the Geordie Shore house is a brothel. Weeeellll. 
So now three people get to escape from Hell. It's gotta be Speidi. If Speidi go on this twist, fuck all y'all. Ooh, they get to eliminate each other if they get a question right, like on 15 to 1.
Spencer still annoyed James C got called a dreamboat, apparently.
I love Stacy wreaking revenge on Jasmine. She fucked Austin, and next she's gonna fuck Jasmine. Bhahahaha!
Oh, so the housemates have to all agree on who must never return. Bet they go for James C. Easy target. They haven't got the balls to go after Speidi. They won't go after Calum Best for obvious reasons. Jasmine... at a push. Let's pray it's Jasmine. Oh, surely not Stacy? They better not.
Nah, deffo James C. Easy target. The 'he wants to go' defence.
Stacy: 'I'm as fake as your face' to Jasmine, lol. Ooh so it's between Speidi, Jasmine and James C. Please let it be Jasmine, she's useless and a cunt. They could have swapped one of the others out. Choosing between three is rough. I don't like the random nature of this. I don't like the random way the housemates were chosen, or battled out. It's like when they spun that fucking wheel to evict someone. NOT COOL. That's not what we signed up for. Mind you, I think we signed up with Channel 4, not Channel 5, so I'm not sure those terms and conditions apply.
Why's Geordie Shore wearing Frank Butcher's glasses? Poor James C stuck in Hell with Jasmine. Oh, not for long. Now the housemates get to evict.
Who goes? The housemates decide. It better not be Speidi. It better not. I'm gonna FLIP. If they were smart, they'd evict Speidi. But I'm pretty sure Speidi's contract is water tight (get it? Water? Never mind).
The housemates are deliberating. They are all going 'on the one hand...' blah and 'on the other hand' blah. Classic BB.
This is like when they did that vote between Kelsey and Loveta on BBCAN but this is better.
I love it when Spencer calls people 'm'dear.' He's not been doing it so much lately. HUNDO it's in Speidi's contract that they can't be evicted like this. Fuck this. They aint going out like that, they aint going out like that (they aint going out!)
Bet Calum never stuck up for Jasmine. Probably wants her out the way so he can keep pretending to be a born again virgin. I'm so glad I don't know the result cos I actually feel tense. Don't send James C out like that! Get rid of Jasmine!
Ooh, they have to open a door and one leads to the outside world! That's a cool spin on it.
Spencer and Heidi look shit scared! I bet Spencer's glad he was nice to people for about five minutes this series. Ooh they're saved. Good! That's what a good lawyer will do for you.
They should have all opened at the same time! More tense.
OMG Jasmine has gone! I guess that's what you get for not bothering to endear yourself to the other housemates except for one who you're looking to fuck. Everyone knows it's all about the numbers. This one's for Casey Batchelor!
LOL James C looks pissed off to be staying. Hilarity. I'm glad the housemates did the right thing. I didn't have much faith in them.
The others are all justifying evicting Jasmine. She would have only got booed for having a vagina anyway. Kim is arguing with Nicola. 'Gang-handed' I like. That sounds like fun. What is up with Kim! She's a volcano. She's having a go at EVERYONE.
Is James rattled by Kim? I think he's more annoyed by her. She's his new Busey. James J works best with an OAP nemisis.
James C said it's nice to get saved, aww. I love James C! So cute. Dreamboat! He needs to make it to the final now. Ted has tried to get rid of him twice now! I see you, BB producers. James C dodged both bullets.
James Jordan to Spencer: 'This house has changed.' Yes, there are now crappy, cut-price housemates and no Austin. They thought Austin drank a lot until them met Chloe.
Ooh, Spencer is winding James J up about what Calum was saying in Hell! Yes, he's still got it. I've still got faith in Speidi. They're just on a low setting this year.
James C: 'I nearly walked into the wall cos I was ready to go.' Haha. I'm glad James was touched. He's in a new kind of Hell now.
Ah, Chloe is jumping in Jasmine's grave, quick smart! These bitches have replaceable heads as far as Calum's concerned.
I don't think Chloe really fancies father-of-one-but-he-never-mentions-it Calum. I think she's just reading it off a cue card. Hold on, she can't read. She must have an ear piece in then.
Spencer's face trying to understand Chloe. Then encouraging her to go for Calum! Haha. Good work!
Ooh and Jessica is flirting with Calum in the garden. There's not enough Calum to go round in that house. Chop the cunt up, let everyone have a piece.
Apparently Jessica is loud. I've barely heard her say anything. She's grasping for a storyline, but no joy.
I thought they were going to kick one of the new lot out. Get on with it! And make it two. Or three.
No one seems that sad Jasmine's gone.
Coleen: 'Calum's not interested in any of us.' ANY OF US. Hahahahaaaaaa. Oh, Coleen.
Chloe on Calum's lap trying to kiss her, awkward. His girlfriend only got evicted today! I say girlfriend. I love the shot of Calum's hand on Chloe's arse. The camera man knows what's up!
Chloe: 'Let's take it slow' to Calum. Calum is wishing his mummy was still there to save him.
Stacy angry because she knew Calum ten days before and fancied him then. Read that back and see how ridiculous it really sounds. Stacy, Coleen, Jasmine, Jessica AND Chloe ALL FANCY CALUM. And Calum fancies Calum (thanks to Jemima_80 on Twitter for adding Calum to that list as I'd missed him out.)
Not very good acting from that maggot Chloe there having a fake strop. Really crap. In her bra. Michael Jackson in a bra. I can see why Calum's not interested, to be honest. Coleen is a more appealing prospect, by a mile.
Seriously, if all Big Brother has got for us from now on is Calum Best, pussy magnet, and Kim shouting at people, I'M OUT. I'm half wishing Jasmine had stayed to put this Geordie gargoyle straight. Seriously, you are testing my patience, Big Bro. I enjoyed the doors thing, but that could easily have been another huge upset if the housemates had used their brains and evicted Speidi.
BTW I did do a new podcast which covered the weekend's events, so if you're audibly-inclined, listen here. Cheers!