Saturday, 30 March 2013

The Voice UK: Series 2 (why?)

Roll up roll up for series 2 of The Voice! Remember how last year it created international superstar Leanne Mitchell, who's highly relevant cover of Whitney Houston's Run to You went to number 45? Bit embarrassing, isn't it? I notice how they're trying to smear her name by saying that she didn't want to do publicity. As if. I personally hold Tom Jones personally responsible. He doesn't know his arse from his elbow. The fact they haven't got some new judges in is unforgivable - not one of them has an ounce of charisma or talent between them. the world is watching. I doubt it, iPlayer only works in the UK and no one would bother to pirate it. My boyfriend is already ranting after agreeing to watch it.
It's an insult that they are going on about how brilliant the judges are, when the contestants amount to nothing. I don't know how they have the gall.
Reggie: 'the judges have over a hundred years experience to share.' And 90 of those are Tom Jones's.
I had to forwards though the four of them performing because I'm trying to get drunk and don't want to be violently ill.
Where's Jessie J's shaved head? This shit isn't even live. Jessie J has got Grotbags nails. I will admit her shaved head looked pretty good.
This first contestant has even shorter legs than me and he's from the VALLEYS. They should make all the contestants fat and ugly. He's also got a scunt on. My boyfriend just said, 'Rick Waller.'
Why are we getting subtitles? This is hammier than usual. Are their mics broken? I miss Adam Levine on the US version and I never thought I'd say that. I definitely miss Cee Lo and Christina. 
Tom and this Ash guy are talking solely about Welsh things. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned Kelly Jones or Catatonia yet. These judges make insincerity look like an artform.
Did Jessie J just say 'there's a difference between singing and sanging?' Yeah, a tense. She thinks she's Nicole Scherzinger now. has not offered to make this guy a star in Malaysia, Singapore or the Czech Republic.
If you had to spend a day with one of the judges, which one would you pick? I think I'd have to go for but then I'd have to hear about him going on about UFOs. I get enough of that at home.
The second contestant Danny looks like he's dressed out of the lost property box at school. He's got the cold dead eyes of a killer. He's singing the dreariest song I've ever heard.'s not wearing his little Lego costumes tonight. Jessie's got loads of producers phone numbers: shame she didn't pass one to Leanne Mitchell.
Oh there's Reggie. How much does he get paid for doing nothing?
Tom Jones looks a leathery old scrotum. He makes me want to renounce humanity. Is this how they've revamped the show, by cutting in fake arguments and bits of them mucking about?
The next contestant has dip dye hair. Is that still in? I can't talk, just dyed mine pastel pink two years after slagging off the stylist who forced Amelia Lily to do it. She's cute so I'm guessing she can't sing as that seems to be the rule. Oh, she's also orange and looks like she's dressed off the market.
Is there a rule they have to sing the most boring songs humanly possible? It makes you pine for Rylan doing Gangnam Style and facing off with GB.
Jessie J seems to have ants in her pants tonight. She just did a massive sniff so we're assuming she's coked off her head, because she's acting nutso. Jessie J has all the eloquence of Arg of Towie. Danny O' Ditchwater is looking genuinely concerned about her. Jessie, please stop doing that fake America accent. I WISH Dizzie Rascal was a judge on this show, he was really good on Must be the Music. He was 10 times better than all of this lot put together.
This next contestant loves Elton John. My boyfriend is getting really mad. He says the BBC can't do reality show and has denounced Fame Academy. But I loved Fame Academy, and Ainslie and Lemar. This show makes Fame Academy look like Breaking Bad.
The next contestant is blind. She's got the Christopher Maloney shakes. Aw, she didn't know if anyone turned round. Danny told her he did, but not Tom! Pick Danny, Tom doesn't give a shit about his contestants.
God, this show does suck. Even I'm losing steam with it. I've got The Walking Dead and three episodes of Big Brother Canada to watch, heeeeeeey!
Danny: 'there's only one thing that doesn't lie and that's the hairs on my arms.' Is that a chat up line? I'm imagining them whispering to him now: 'what are you wearing?'
Ooh this next one's from Northampton, my home turf. She's got pink hair too, it's obviously a theme. She doesn't sound like she's from Northampton. She can't sing, but she has got boots on. She was off key, I'm afraid. Back to the shoe museum it is.
Jessie stop going on about being a FEMALE, we know you're a FEMALE. I hate advice like 'work on your breathing.' I love it when singers run out of breath or you can hear them catch their breath or they hit a bum note. Imperfection is amazing, if it's real, if you can sing anyway, or if your voice has enough character.
Danny is bragging he's been on Letterman and Ellen. LOL.
These filler bits are awful. Ooh is this next guy a rapper? Sweet! Bad white rappers are brilliant. Oh they don't normally do humiliating ones on this show, do they? Maybe they're making an exception. Do people still shave a bit into their eyebrow like that? I thought (hoped) that died with Vanilla Ice.
Oh what, they set it up for him to rap and he came on and sang some duff country song. SWIZZ!
Danny: 'country singers are very rare.' Have you seen X Factor US or American Idol lately? They're full to the fucking brim with those cunts! We don't need that shit over here, thanks. It's bad enough when Bright Eyes ruins a good song with that sound.
Oh, shut your face. Jessie J: 'the greatest vocal acrobats the world has ever seen'? Well, compared to Fergie, maybe. I personally find her voice like nails down a blackboard, but with with the added 'uh!' thrown in for no reason. There's more padding in this show than in Olly Murs's pants.
The next contestant has the dying nan card in her back pocket. That card has been played tooooooo many times! Nans die, that's the whole point of them. If you die before your nan, something's not right with the world. This girl sings like 'why use one syllable when you can use 25?' She sounds like she's trying to escape being strangled. Cute, though. Danny's eyeing up his next girlfriend. There should be laws against that since Jimmy Savile-gate.
LOL next up is Kavanagh! He shouldn't get a second shot at success. I do remember that song. He's like a singing Sean Maguire. Something looks like it's happened to his face. Why is he doing this song??? It makes me want to shoot myself. His voice sounds reedy. No one turned round because he was crap. Soz. Is someone going to pretend to recognise him? Aw, Danny's been given the job of pretending to remember who he is. Transparent and contrived. Kavanagh, you've had your fifteen minutes. Fuck off.
I'm dreaming this is over. So's Jessie J, waiting for her next fix. This last guy is obviously meant to be the one we've all been waiting for. And it would be, if he's turned up to a lookalike competition. Well, it's a no from me. And it's not like I'm watching Saturday Night Takeaway either. It's all trite rubbish for the masses. Now, I'm going to watch my zombie drama and international Big Brother. Cos I'm highbrow! Happy Easter. 

Friday, 29 March 2013

Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

First Aid Kit Girl out now

OK, this is one self-indulgent post about myself and then I'll go back to my normal regime of talking about crap telly.
My novel First Aid Kit Girl is out now, published by The Green Press. You can buy it here, and it will be on Amazon properly soon, I think there's some technical issue or some crap so it's not showing up quite right.

If you like my writing on here, you'll probably like it, as it's more misanthropy, and if you do buy it and like it, please leave me a review on Amazon, I'd be so grateful. It doesn't have to be five stars; be honest!

There's a bit more about what the book is about here on my Extol blog in my Next big thing interview but I  think 'girl meets razorblade meets boy' sums it up best. It's really for anyone who's ever worked in an office and wanted to kill everyone there, which I think is pretty much anyone who's ever worked in an office.

And all stuff related to the book after this will be on Extol which is where my creative stuff lives and not cluttering up Exitainment, as that's not what you come here for. I really do appreciate you reading my blog so much and just love writing, so thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

SongPop: A love story

I have a confession to make. My name is lightupvirginmary and I am a SongPop addict. SongPop, for the poor souls who aren't already hooked like drug addict ghouls (like me), is a free app or the iPhone. You can also play it on Facebook. Probably other places, too. Find it. Seek it out. Play! Play me. I'm lightupvirginmary. Or Lightupvirginmary. It's all funny about caps like a pedantic teacher.
So it works like this, they play a little bit of a song and you have four choices to guess what song it is. But wait, you might say, isn't it all pop music? Well that's the good part. There are SO many categories. You have the crap I like; 90s alternative, 2000 rock, grunge, britpop. Then you have the categories I can't stand; jazz, motown, crooners, GLEE. Alternative COUNTRY. NEW AGE. There are some mental categories on there. I like busting out the house, trance and techno (all seemingly the same songs) as no one can remember the names of those songs, as they were all off their heads in the late 90s. Small problem; I can't either. Still, it's good revenge if someone picks the Pro Wrestling category against you.
SongPop used to be relatively simple in that you could play your friends off Facebook, or be randomly matched with some East Coast rap fan from Canada. That was kind of cool. Now they've changed it so you can only choose from 'three best matches' who all boringly have very similar taste to you. I want to try the East Coast rap. I want to try the West Coast rap. I don't want to try the 50s, 60s or 70s, but thems the breaks. It's more fun than playing 'ultimate 90s' each time. I like responding to someone who plays Christian Gospel against me with some Trip Hop.
So I went on the SongPop board and everyone was bitching about it. Why can't we have random matching AND best match? Cos they want to screw coins out of us, I think. BRUTAL. Why can't they let us play in peace? Luckily, you CAN play for free, and you earn coins to buy playlists. If you play 500 games, as I did last week, you can get quite a lot of playlists. And get really fat. I bought the premium app like a junkie cos you can play more games, but I think it was only £1.50 or something.
Anyhow, they've made some further 'improvements' now. At first they put people's location on and gave everyone the wrong location, which was interesting. I think they moved me to Lambeth. Since then they've added 'stats' so you can see who you're most compatible with. You can also see who else your friends are playing and play their friends, so it gets round this 'best match' bullshit a bit. I also joined a Facebook group 'Pop this' where people post their usernames so you can play random people that way. Beat the system! Fuck the police! Etc.
Weirdly, a lot of the strangers I'm playing seem to be playing other strangers I'm playing. And that was before you could see their friends. I think it must have just matched people close together.
The bad side of these new 'improvements' is you can now see who's online (you get a green light) so you get people bitching and moaning and 'nudging' you when you're trying to keep up with your other 75 games. I will take my turn, give me a fucking minute! Personally, I play people in the following order: people I know. People I've been playing for ages. People with cool profile pictures. People I know won't pick Glee. Then I try and even out the number of goes. I'm doing my best, OK? Get off my fucking back already or I'll keep busting out the Bon Jovi category on you, a category in which I have a 50% success rate as I went off them after three albums when I was 12.
Two categories I'm really shit at, if you're planning to play me, are UK TV themes and US TV themes. I'm ABSOLUTELY USELESS at them. I even got BIG BROTHER wrong. Big Brother! I just can't wrap my head around TV themes for some reason. I actually fare better on video games, God knows why.
The best part about SongPop, is there's a good 'cheat'. Basically, if the other person gets the first answer wrong, you can basically just copy their answers for the other four songs, and you win. So you always need to get the first song right. I kind of like the devilment of that. That they can know every other song, but messed up the first one, so HA! That's my tip for the top. Skulduggery.
And finally you can buy playlists from other regions, which is good if you know K-Pop or Spanish or something. That will really fuck up your competitors. Just like when I pick Eurovision! Ha! OMG I just remembered two other bastard categories; classical and National Anthems. Who knows National Anthems except their own? Just plain wrong. 
Anyway, I've been playing SongPop for between 30 minutes and an hour a day, which I think might be a little worrying. I play it in bed too, and end up staying up late... just one more game, just one more fix. Still. I suppose it's better than crack. Scores get totted up on Sundays, so it's important you kick everyone's arse on Sunday. People who are beating you by about 5 points? Don't touch them. Let them have their glory. Concentrate on those you're equal with, or close to. Destroy them.
Oh, the other good thing, is I have good chats on it. Only ONE person has ever come onto me on it (I deleted them immediately - creep). With Scrabble it used to be about one a day. It's really rare to find a game where you chat with strangers and they aren't all misogynistic perverts. On SongPop, it's just friendly chats about music and TV with men and women from all over the world and it's quite nice really. You can laugh at someone for getting something really obvious wrong or lament when you get five wrong in a row. It's all just chilled out and quite relaxing. I think that's the thing about it. It's just down time. And I'm also quite good at it. So I can show off.
I'll probably get fed up with it, like DrawSomething when they over-complicated it. But for the moment, I'm really enjoying it. Oh and if you're reading, developers, can I get a Morrissey and Bright Eyes playlist? And can you make your Brit Pop playlist a bit more relevant (who the fuck are Dawn of the Replicants? Have you heard of Shed Seven?) And can we delete playlists? There's a couple I definitely bought by accident and they need to begone.
And here concludes my first ever blog about an app. Next up: Hello Kitty Cafe. Not really, but it is bloody ace. Haha, I'm not joking! In fact, there's probably some customers that need serving, right now...  Hello Kitty really is a fucking slavedriver.

Friday, 1 March 2013

Big Brother Canada: Save Gary Glitter! (Launch and first eviction)

Hi there! Believe it or not, there's never been a Big Brother Canada but it began last night! So roll up, roll up for Chen-not, Fessie, and the Zingnot. OK so 'not' jokes is all I've got, but I'm getting over laryngitis, and worse, my boyfriend has got manyngitis.
This is starting really well.
From what I've heard it's going to be quite similar to Big Brother US, but hopefully not too similar. Will they have the same music, the stupid key thing, HOH? The same tired old tasks? I hope so!
The music is a bit synthy and the host is called Arisa Cox, which sounds like a prank call Bart Simpson does. She's more Sonia Kruger (BB Australia host) than Chenbot. It's shot all the same way. I wonder what generic stereotypes they'll have? This reminds me more of Big Brother Australia in a way - more cheery. The Have Not room looks alright and the house looks massive. The bedroom is like the BBUK bedroom. They are doing the key thing they do with the US one.
Warning; the following housemate synopsis compares them to both Uk and US housemates willy-nilly. If you haven't done your research, don't blame me. 
Peter = Ian from BBUS. He's from Surrey, haha. He hates everyone - people who eat noisily and people who stand on escalators.Can't argue with that.
Kat reminds me of Natalie from Jessie's year. Alec is like Dan Gheesling.
Aneal - a Big Brother blogger! With a bowtie. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he might be gay.
Danielle - 'big personality' = big boobs. Bubbly. Well, we know what that means. Has dimples.
Suzette: Kinga. She works in a women's shelter.
Talla. Possibly fancies girls.
Jillian - looks like Talla. That's a bit confusing. Says she looks like Sandra Bullock? Notsomuch.
Andrew (and Pete his twin?) Are they going to do an Audrina/twin twist? He is looking for a showmance. Yawn!
AJ - lives with his parents. He's like someone off The Apprentice pretending he's a big shot. I really hope someone's got their strategy drawn in crayon on a piece of paper like Keith.
There's a lot of people in their mid thirties. That's promising. They are getting through them pretty fast.
The host seems nice and quite animated compared to Chenbot.
Liza. Something to do with sunbeds. My boyfriend said she looks rough. That's not very nice.
Tom. Firefighter. Thicko. Doesn't like 'flamboyant people'. Cue flaming homo.
Gary. He's going to good, one way or the other! Gok Wan gone feral. Someone threw glitter at him when he came down the stairs. Gary is so not a gay name. He looks like a pineapple.
Emmett. Do they have rednecks in Canada? He has a gay twin. Twin twist? Emmett and Toma are going to team up in the straight alliance.
Topaz. A dentist. I like it when it black people have blue eyes, it flies in the face of genetics.
What are those teeny bags they've got? Have they got all their stuff in there? Are they Tardises? Tardi? Tardy?
A twist! Shocking. A phone in the house. Don't answer it! It's never good news. I love the gay guys hating on each other already. I like the sofa, too. It seems like they're sponsored by the Canadian Very.
Suzette is a cackletopus. She's like a barrel with lips. You shouldn't have answered that phone. Big Brother sounds stern! I don't think Suzette understands her secret mission. Oh no, she does, she's just doing a cover up job. Oh Christ, SHE'S Head of Household? Ugh. This isn't good news. It's not good news for her either - target! LOL she nominated the straight alliance. Haha. Tom looks MAD. 'Save the boys' - zzz. It was obvious she'd target the boys. It was quite a bold move nominating those two, though.
We're doing the veto already? Bloody hell. I want Tom out! OMG IS IT THE ELECTRIC SHOCK SUITS? Fuck me! It's like six Tinkywinkys. Fuck me, Suzette looks like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh it's not electric shocks. It's popping balloons with a spiky belt. WTF.
This is the sort of task where you see who's willing to smash the shit out of each other. They are humping balloons. That's reasonably low budget.
Oh fuck, can't believe Tom won it. Boooo! Look at the veto! It looks like some bad superhero necklace. Thumbs down.
Second episode! Arisa looks like an oven-ready Mel B.
Suzette's got a letter from home... how long's she been gone, about a week? I'd be pissed off with Gary shaking glitter everywhere. Glitter is a bastard to get off you. 'Gary Glitter' lol. Aneal is a sneaky one! Do they have Gary Glitter in Canada? Let's hope not for the sake of the children. For those not in the know, Gary Glitter is a Uk popstar turned paedophile. Someone once said you know you've slept with me because you end up in a pool of glitter. But that was about 15 years ago.
The memory wall looks tacky as hell. Kat is coming off as a cow, I've seen people overplay their hand in the first few days and it never works out well: keep your head DOWN!
LOL to Suzette calling Kat a bully and toxic. I knew she'd be up because you saw her sitting on stools with Emmett at the start. Who's more toxic, Kat or the glitter?
This Slice channel sounds good. Ice and a slice!
Emmett, I think it might be time to get into the campaigning thing. Handcuff task! I've never seen this task before... how original. I wonder if there'll ever be one unique idea on this show?
Tom reminds me of Cappy from BBUS. And that's not a good thing.
Alec and Topaz got together quick! Must be true love, right? I like both of them, actually.
So a hundred Canadian grand is 64 grand sterling. I suppose with the car and stuff it's the same as ours. That Tom guy is SUCH a homophobe. I can't stand him.
I'm fairly unimpressed with the eviction stools. Is that the best Brick could come up with? How about some eviction thrones? 'Cat ladies first?' Oh, no sorry, 'Kat, ladies first.'
Looks like it's a sheep vote for Kat. The overthrow of the 'Ox and Ram' alliance was the usual flim flam.
Liza broke off from the sheep vote. She could be up for the chop for that. Not good to break out of the pen so early! Best to join the lemmings. Ah... my boyfriend thinks she did it to it pin it on someone else.
Danielle is like Amy from Marcellas's year. Talla can't even say one sentence, bless her.
Alec's eyebrows are mesmerising. It's time to put the Kat out etc. The Kat that got creamed. I think I'm done with Kat jokes now.
A very Canadian HOH is coming up. I reckon it's something to do with bears, but my boyfriend thinks it's crawling through maple syrup. I realise this is a racist as going on about tea and the bloody Queen. 
I wonder if Suzette will ever win another Head of Household. I've seen one of these tasks before where they have to cling on to trees. Tree hungers. Are things about to get a little bit choppy? Sigh. At least it's endurance. I do like this show but it feels like a not-quite-as-good sequel to BBUS. It's so similar yet it all feels a bit 'own brand'.
Dan Gheesling is looking as greasy as usual. Aw, Dan. I think Arisa has said the word 'strategising' about 40 times this show. They must have interviewed him for all of three seconds. Evil genius AND master of the game? Oh, Dan. You'll always be Judas to me.