Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.