Tuesday 31 July 2012

Big Brother 13: I need to take a paracetemol

If it's not love, then it's the nom-bombs that will bring us together. Friends and family nominations! So why is Conor not up?  Their TVs' broken or what? Remember that time he said he wanted to rape and punch Deana? Remember? Remember? Remember? I'm SURE Brian won't in Conor's eviction interview, especially if he wins the bloody thing.
Deana on Luke A: 'the kiss on his arm is his on off button.' Switch it off, then. I think most people would rather kiss Luke S than Ashleigh.
I'm glad Conor's getting his choice to nominate taken from him. Luke's got his prawn top on again.
The faces were interesting when they found out the friends and family were nominating' who looked excited and who didn't.
LOL to Sara's mum accusing Becky of 'actressing'. That was definitely a personal vote, not a vote for Sara's. Paracete-lols. Hilarious. 'Someone needs to hoover in here by the way.' Gross. Sara's mum would have made a better housemate than Sara. She's said more interesting things in two minutes than Sara's said in the whole series. Weird votes. Senseless tactics. But entertaining.
Adam's mum's English! Why is she wasting votes on Becky and Ashleigh; she should have gone for Conor and Luke S.
Ashleigh's coldsores are ick, and she's a barefaced liar.
Deana's friend DEFINITELY was not allowed to mention epilator-gate. She should have been much harder on him - 'he's not making much effort' - please.
Conor's girlfriend looks too nice for him. How can she stand up for that thing? How come she can mention the fact Deana, Adam and Luke call themselves 'soldiers' but Deana's friend isn't allowed to mention epilator gate? She shouldn't be allowed to mention things like that, or stuff to do with Luke A or Adam if she's not nominating them. Oh, she is nominating Luke A. What 'tricks' is Luke A playing? I hate the way these nominations will be cast as stone-cold facts now, even when they're not, they're just opinions by idiots.
Scott's sister looks kind of cool. Why is she nominating Deana? Luke A is eyeing up Scott's 17 year old sister. Why is Scott's sister nominating Becky as well? How come Scott's sister talks normally? How come Scott's sister is not nominating to benefit Scott's game? It shouldn't be personal nominations; why have they got no tactics?
Becky's sister is a complete bitch like her. She shouldn't be allowed to quote Luke verbatim. The BMI comment is perfectly valid. Becky DOES have no respect for her BMI. Why is Conor laughing?! My boyfriend said 'I'd be proud to hear someone quote me say that.'
I'm pissed off about them all mentioning 'soldier' gate because Deana has been through HELL in that house. Where's the mention of the FUCKING EPILATOR? Cunts! It's totally unfair.
Would have been funny if Luke S's mum had nominated Ashleigh. Adam is not SPITEFUL.
Ashleigh gets her looks from her dad, I see, fucking butt ugly. Thicko with thick nominations. I have been dragged down by these people; dragged down to their level, so I know how Luke A feels.
Luke A shouldn't say he needs 'work on' things because of stuff that people who've spawned children who don't know what an egg or a Nazi is say.
Luke's wife was right to nominate Ashleigh for her being a tattletale.
Why is Luke A sweating so much? He's done nothing wrong. Why would you let other people's opinions affect you so much when you know you're in the right?
Time for Becky to milk Luke S's comments. LUKE S WAS SPOT ON! You don't have any respect for yourself or your weight, you admitted yesterday you had a pile of food hidden under your bed.
The prawn is thrilled because no one nominated him. Yes, the public see this, Ashleigh. They see through YOU. The 'soldiers' thing is a sign of solidarity, an understanding amongst friends.
FUCK OFF BECKY YOU FAT FUCKING THICK FUCK! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! Seriously, I want her to go over Ashleigh. She's just an attention-seeking missle.
Stick to your guns, Luke A. Don't apologise to her. All those insiders do is slag off the outsiders 24/7 and none of them EVER apologise, they just haven't been caught out, so why the hell should Luke have to go crawling round to her as if she's Queen of the fucking house? Fuck her.
I don't even know why Luke A feels so bad. They've said a million times worse, it's just the friends and family weren't allowed to quote it, because it's such an inside job, such a stitch up. Becky IS enjoying every minute, and don't forget that for a second. She's been waiting for this moment to play the victim.
Now my boyfriend is mad at me because he said what Luke A said was disgusting, (contradicting what he said earlier) and I shouted at him, but it wasn't, it was bitchy, but it wasn't that bad, and it's not fair, it's not an even playing field. Luke A is a good person, and Becky is NOT and I can't help getting angry about it and I can't help getting passionate about it.
Luke A IS milking it, though. Don't get me wrong. Argh... I just hate this whole thing, I just hate the injustice of it, it's just so unfair the way the whole thing is so rigged. Once again Conor floats under the radar. 
Ashleigh and Becky really think they're going to walk this eviction. But they're not and I can't wait to see their faces. I don't blame Sara for being confused about her mum's nominations. Her mum nominated selfishly, basically, not for her daughter's benefit. Don't worry about it, Scott.
Uh oh, Deana's drunk. She's making a good point, though. That's what I like about Deana. She doesn't go back on her word because of something someone says; she's always true to herself, in the face of extreme opposition. LOL her impression of Ashleigh was ridiculous but funny.
I think it's a bit (and I hate this word) inappropriate of Sara to say 'I think you're a very attractive guy and I'll be even happier when you get a dick.'
It's not even worth commenting on the shit coming out of Ashleigh's mouth.
Luke A DOES need to stop over-analysing. Just trust that the public aren't stupid. I mean; the public ARE stupid. But they're not THAT stupid. Right?
Oh, save the waterworks, Becky. You wouldn't comment on Luke A's appearance because you'd be thrown out for a hate crime. I hate the insiders taking the piss out of the soldiers thing; because they have NOT had to battle. They have sailed through, wrecking the show along the way. And it's wrong. It's just wrong.

Monday 30 July 2012

Big Brother 13: I don't even know what morality means

Confession task. My boyfriend thinks Conor is going to confess about hairbrush/epilator gate tonight. Is he fuck!
My boyfriend then just fell asleep at the exact second the opening music to BB began. Everyone's a critic.
LOL to Luke S making excuses about why he stepped down from the task. Bitter little men. Love Luke A saying 'it was more stubbornness than endurance.' It was, and it was ace. He deserves that personal victory. Luke A is very competitive. I think his stamina shows a strength of character that could be in a winner. I can't decide who I want to win out of Luke A, Deana and Adam now. I liked the side of Deana I saw last night but she does flip flop quite a lot. I like it when she's smiling and having fun; it's shame she got stuck in that house with such a bunch of douches. I think I still like Adam the best. He's been the coolest.
Why is Deana suddenly suspicious of Adam? He just said he'd miss her when she'd gone. I think she does get quite paranoid at time. But even I wasn't that convinced with Adam's reassurance of Deana!
This confession task looks quite funny. Adam's admitting to being leery. Conor admits he's been angry, but he's reformed. LOL has BB had a word in his ear? Oh no, he's ashamed of shaving his pubes. Well, I suppose an epilator was involved somehow.
Luke is embarrassed about 'Barbell media'. So he should be. Becky hides food under her bed; groo. There was a bird cheeping under my bed (that my cat had been torturing) the other day and I had to save it's life. THAT was hardcore.
Is Ashleigh too thick to understand what Luke's telling her? It's literally in one ear and out the other, isn't it?
Interesting that Luke A admits to wanking; I do wonder about if that would be quite conflicting when you've not got the 'bits' you'd like to have. I am completely ignorant about that, so it was interesting to hear, and I'd like to know more about that.
What is that jacket Ashleigh's wearing? It looks like a fucking bin bag. 
I want a cuddle off Adam. I reckon he gives good cuds. Scott's getting desperate; he even fancies Adam now. It's EASY to cook a roast. I don't get involved in that leg business, though. I'm breast only.
My boyfriend is asleep with his eyes open now. It's a bit scary!
I wouldn't want a massage off Conor. I wouldn't want him within 100 miles of me, restraining order, please. I like his technique: 'shut up and relax.' Watching him touch Deana's hand made my skin crawl. I've lost interest in this task. They should have shown the confessions on the big screen.
Don't worry about nominating, Conor, because your feral family will be doing it instead. Let me guess who they'll nominate... er...? Deana?

Sunday 29 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Does it come with Freeview?

Scott seems to really be missing Caroline, doesn't he? Ah, and he's slagging off Luke S, too, that's cool. So he says he likes Luke A and Adam but he's sitting on fence still. Could he be the swing vote now Sara's had her ill-judged meltdown?
Scott, Sara and Ashleigh are discussing the economic crisis. Ashleigh doesn't like kids popping out babies as it 'takes her taxes'. What job does she do, again? I doubt if she could operate an electronic toothbrush. Sara's having another attention-seek cry. I get the feeling this girl cries at everything; from Hollyoaks to a picture of a cute puppy.
Ashleigh doesn't care about getting boos. She doesn't care, right? She don't give two flying fucks. Conor: 'I've been saved four times.' Yes, by your extended family, I presume, unless they're letting rapists vote from prison now.
Loving Adam getting to choose the prizes for the competition; especially giving Ashleigh a toilet brush. I love endurance tasks! Giving Conor the spa day was one in the eye too; enjoy your massage, prick.
These endurance tasks are all about ego, or about whether you need a wee or not. I have quite a weak bladder so I could probably only last three hours (about as long as I last at a gig - I have a strict 'no drink, get near the front' policy).
Who's to come off first? My £ is on Becky. Why is Sara doing it in her bikini? She'll be cold later.
Luke was being supportive to Ashleigh; telling her to get off the box. What a prick. Are they arguing as a tactic to annoy the others? Ah, I win my bet. Becky toppled off. All the weak-willed ones quit first.
LOL to Adam trying to psych Conor out. Conor is on the hop. Adam's got him in one spot and he's tearing a strip off him; I love it! Where's Luke A's spine gone? Why has he turned his back on the conversation?
Adam:  'you have no compassion, care.' Conor had no response to that. Wise words from Adam there.
Oh come on, Ashleigh, no one buying your faux DR apology. If you know you're a decent person, why the boos even bother you? I'd laugh at the boos. I know I rub people up the wrong way; when people slag me off on my blog I think it's funny. Don't you understand yourself at all? You're not getting booed for the way you treat Luke S, you're getting booed because you're vile inside and out, and the only thing that ever comes out of your mouth is bile or idiocy.
Do they know Adam picked the prizes? They don't, do they? Adam looks like he's wearing a swimming cossie. There's more at stake here than the prizes on the wall, isn't there?
Why is Adam being sexist about Deana? Girls can stand up just as well as men can. We got feet and legs too, don't we?
No wonder Becky's so fat if that's what she orders for takeaway. Fuck I'm really hungry and there's nothing to eat in my house. I just ate a bag of gummy bears, and I've got a two packs of micro chips - it's hardly a nutritious diet, is it?
Looks like Becky's imaginary food order worked. Someone's going to crack over the Chinese. I hate Chinese, so wouldn't be bothered. I wouldn't even want to smell it.
Is it dangerous not to go wee-wee for 6 hours? I think Luke has twigged it's for immunity.
Good on Deana for giving the boys a run for her money. Luke A: it's a shitty song anyway.' as they try and temp them off the boxes with some turkey-shit pop music.
Endurance tasks are good because they show who's got fighting spirit, who's got determination and who wants it the most. Where did Luke get his poncho from?
Deana has never looked cuter than in that onesie, having a laugh on that box.  She just seems joyous and buoyant, like she's living again.
Scott's got back-envy. He's got a fragile back. I'm not a predator - speak for yourself.
12 hours, man! That's impressive. How have they all changed clothes?! I can think of something Luke S is going to lose: BIG BROTHER.
Conor: 'where's the pride in standing on a box for 12 hours?' It's called determination, you prat. It's called focus. It's called WINNING.
LOL Luke S jumped off because he was hungry. Tired, more like. Props to Luke A, so determined to beat Luke S that he got off a second later. Shame on Deana for quitting! She put on a good show though. Good on you, girl.
Adam should have gone for the £1000 - isn't that more than the TV's worth?
Oh, they did save them some food. Good. Liked Adam's 'much respect', too. Actually a feel-good episode for once. SHOCKER. I hope Adam gets immunity this week. He deserves it.

Saturday 28 July 2012

Big Brother 13: I beat Bono in an arm wrestle

Well, we learnt two things after the main show last night. Caroline is actually unstable - her performance on BOTS was quite disturbing and I suggest she seeks help. And Sara is an annoying droning idiot, as suspected, but confirmed on the evil feed. Deana replied to her diatribe of complete nonsense with utter class. I also enjoyed seeing Adam and Luke just joshing around and getting scared of a moth; it was just very sweet and natural whilst the others were all just stirring their cauldrons of cack. It just underlined that they are both decent blokes and I'm so glad they've got each other in there.
I'm so looking forward to not having to look at Caroline looking like she's got dressed out of the lost property box at school anymore.
Do Ashleigh, Luke, Conor and Becky ever have ANYTHING nice to say about anyone? I pity them; thick as pig shit and rotten to the core.
Scott is floating from side to side quite well, like Sara, at the moment. I hope he makes it to the final.
Conor must be the oldest looking 25-year-old on the planet. This task seems quite funny though. His river dance and Bono lies were actually quite amusing and quite creative. That was the cleverest thing he's done in the whole house.Conor is moaning cos Luke A and Adam haven't wished him happy birthday. Boo woo.
Ashleigh: 'Am I naturally good looking?' Err... Conor on beauty queen Deana: 'Deana's disgusting.' 'Sara's not disgusting.' There's faint praise. May I suggest a trip to Specsavers?
Sara slagging off Caroline for looking like a dog's dinner. Sweet. Sara's mad because Deana paid Caroline a compliment. What the fuck is up Sara's arse? Why is she always trying to catch Deana out? BFF's I don't think. Sara's really gone down in my estimation and she barely went up in it once, anyway. Fake, flip-flopper, boring, stupid. Get to fuck.
Conor plus football = a maelstrom of misogyny.
Luke A's face when the soldiers got saved was lovely. Pure joy. What has Luke S come as, he looks like he's off boating.
Seeing Luke S sweating was very rewarding. He looks like he's been through the wars and back. I'm surprised that the people who voted to save Ashleigh can even operate a phone.
Becky stop running your mouth. You can't work out why Caroline's gone? Div.
I'm glad they kept Luke's moth moment in the highlights, it was cute.
Ashleigh biting her nails - she looks like she's under pressure. But she 'couldn't give two flying fucks.' Never mind, then.
Scott is reassessing his game plan. Be interesting to see who he nominates this week.
I hate Becky in a particularly unique way because of just how wrong she is about everything.
Is Sara cracking onto Luke A? So the cut out that whole bit where she was berating Sara on the live feed for half an hour. EDITINGZ. Groo.

Friday 27 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Tobler-gone

Forget that fake alien invasion on BBC1, the 'party' is right here on ITV. Caroline doing her hair! That ship has long sailed. Can you think of one person in Britain with worse hair than Caroline? She even makes Conor's hair look civilised.
I can't BELIEVE Caroline is doing a Harry. If you're going to do a master prank, invent your own. And don't inflame the smokers. Do not upset smokers. They will kill you. Ask Nadia.
Caroline: see you later. 'Why would someone spend money on garlic?' Caroline, it's one thing ordering 50 bars of chocolate, but Fruit and Nut? No one can even eat that! It's like ordering chocolate with grit in it. I used to like that advert with the singing chocolate bar in, though. Sexy. Put a pair of eyelashes on a chocolate bar and it instantly becomes fuckable... right?
She should have ordered Winalot instead. They're all going to be high off sugar at least. She must be pretty sure she's going. She didn't even get a 'did you say 500 Nutellas...' A PALE IMITATION. The squeakquel to Harry's Alvin.
How come Sara is the only one getting a cheer? She's floated her way to this week! It's the first time she's even opened her mouth. Is it a double eviction? I can't work it out.
I just turned over to the Olympics 'thing'. Pyramids everywhere! Illuminati times. Where's Begbie? Is this Abraham Lincoln Vampire Killer? It's like Mary Poppins or something. Are people paying to watch this crud? Are we having to go through the history of the entire UK? ZZZ. This is worse than Cirque du Soleil and that's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
She got some good chocs there, Milkybar, Aero. You know she's just trying to make Luke A and Adam kick off, don't you? You can tell Caroline's never lived in a violent household. I'd be shitting myself.
Why is Luke S defending Caroline?! Why does Conor think it's funny, doesn't he like food?
Caroline: 'I don't think we have enough Whole Nut.' Whole Nut is worse than Fruit Nut. Whole Nut is unforgivable. I'd chuck that chocolate in the pool, or melt it and cover her clothes with it.
Nut-hell-urgh. Adam, don't rise to it! Don't let her beat you. 'Absolutely fucking pathetic.' Ah, memories of Marcus. I wouldn't do that to smokers. Smokers be crazy. Caroline is achieving her objective because she's making Luke A and Adam lose it. Wow, Adam is REALLY upset. I think he's going to rip her head off.
Here we go! Caroline does look fat. Must be the chocolate. Conor is twitching. The soldiers are safe. All the goodies safe. OMG, Caroline is so annoying. I hope someone throws a brick at her when she comes out. All the baddies got booed. The writing is now on the wall. Luke S and Conor must be shitting it. Like A: 'I might have some chocolate.' Nice. Diabet-heave.
Sara has not had to fight, so she doesn't deserve to win, IMO. It's too late to float through and then start speaking up now. They're singing God Save the Queen on BBC1 now. Quick, kick Sara out, she's missing it. I've seen more astroturf in the Big Brother garden. The Queen looks THRILLED. Fucking THRILLED. What a LOVELY WOMAN. She looked like she'd just stepped in some dogshit. What time is the alien invasion on? This is like all the worst bits of Eurovision. I'm glad I'm only watching 3 minutes of this at a time.
So it's not a double eviction, they're just dragging this shit out (we're back to Big Brother, not that other crap). Mad-am. Adam, keep cool, or you're going to get a warning. It's not gangland times anymore. Why has no one slagged Caroline off for being a copycat, too? Caroline is so up for eviction next week if she doesn't go out tonight.
'It's a joke.' Is it just mint banter? It's not a joke, you're just trying to bug everyone. Don't they need some multivitamins or something? What would Vinnie Jones make of this? I don't think he'd be happy.
She didn't even get any CRISPS. I could live on crisps for a week. I DO live on crisps for a week. What, BB is giving them tobacco?! Ugh, Caroline bought Milka, too. I don't like Milka. She hasn't even got good taste in chocolate. Where's the chocolate orange?
Fag gate! I think Adam and Luke A have a point about the fags, but they don't own the fags. Is Luke A enjoying that fag? Ratty's getting annoyed. Stub her out.Ashleigh: 'just you wait.' Luke A: 'what you going to do, get Luke S?' LOL. Adam knows prison ways. Fags are like currency in there.
OMG Ashleigh is safe. How?! And Conor! Ugh! It's got to be Caroline going. It can't be Luke S going, can it? But then who would vote to save him? Caroline is doing some serious controller's leg there. Luke S looks properly gutted. Apparently it's in 'no particular order' so interesting they saved the outsiders first, perhaps the producers are trying to redress the balance somehow. I can't believe they're still trying to rinse money out of this thing! Save Caroline! Or don't. I'm not sure?! It should have been Conor or Ashleigh, Luke S and Caroline provide more exitainmentz. Why don't they leave Conor in the bottom 2 sweating? Luke S is unraveling. He looks sooooo upset.

I just turned BBC1 on and Mr Bean is on. Are we that hard up?
I think the outsiders have the numbers now Sara's jumped ship. But don't forget what Sara did! I won't forgive her for her Benedict hate and the Queen love.
As usual Conor's got a stooge to do his dirty work for him, just like he did with Arron with chocolate gate. So did they give Ashleigh a fag in the end, or what? I think Caroline might be the ugliest thing on the planet, inside and out. Adam is sharing the tobacco. Cos he's been told to. Rizla-kicks.
I thought Scott had a pair of hair straighteners in the bath with him then. No such luck. Conor just jumped in. It's not as good as Jedward bathtimes, is it?
Deana is playing it quite cool at the moment. Luke A and Adam are crumbling right now and she's keeping her head down.
Luke S was so sure Ashleigh would leave before him, it would be worth seeing him leave.
Is Adam about to do an armed robbery? What's with the stocking? May I recommend an assault? I hate all this 'being myself' talk. Zzzz.
Caroline: 'people are very spoilt.' LOLZ. You have got to laugh. You really have.
BBC1 check: John Lydon. Is the Queen smiling at that bit? Are we having an acid house bit now? Not even some MDMA could cheer this horrorshow up. Some MK Ultra, maybe. Someone just said the words 'graphic equaliser.' Very modern. Are we celebrating rave? What about when they tried to shut them all down? LAGER LAGER LAGER. It's just all songs from fucking Trainspotting! I love Dizzee Rascal, he's gloriously joyful and stupid. I'd like to see him on Celeb BB.
OK back to BB. It's Crunchie time! You've missed a trick there, Brian.
Fucking hell, Caroline looks so dumpy. You've gone as Mars Bar as you can go. Be-twixed and between.
Adam and Luke A not even saying goodbye to her. Can't really blame them. Arron didn't say goodbye to anyone. This game really can turn on a Dime-bar. Shall I stop with the chocolate puns now?
Why has she come out with a hairbrush? Is it to rape someone with? Perhaps BB told her to confiscate it from Conor.
I'm surprised Ashleigh got more votes than Caroline. Who voted for her?! On BBC1, David Beckham is driving a pink glowing speedboat. 
I hope Caroline gets booed throughout her interview like Lydia did. Caroline's gone hysterical - she's turned into Ashleigh. Off, off, off, off, off!
Caroline: 'I have no redeeming qualities.' Why not try nurturing some? Brian's getting pissed off with her. Do you think anyone's ever had sex with Caroline? I don't.
Caroline looks like hell. What are those shoes? She looks like Miss Haversham. Brian actually just told her she 'overstepped the mark.' Well done, Brian, you spoke sense for once.
Caro-whine. They are giving her quite a bad edit. She did do some lols. One or two. She's not being contrite. Wait til she's on BOTS. Then she'll be contrite, after she's been given a session with the tell-off man.
I've never seen Brian be this hard on anyone! Mind you, whatevs. There's one thing Caroline's not good at: brushing her hair and integrating into society. Oh, that's two.
Are people still wearing ponchos? Ponchos are worse than onesies. Ghastly.
Why is Caroline referring to herself in the third person? Why is Brian telling us who's popular? He's been WELL nasty to her. I mean, I can't blame him. But where's the rhyme or reason?
Hilarious bit of live feed at the end with Sara telling them about a bunch of people beating the shit out of a terrorist. 'It would only happen in Scotland.' And on that note, goodbye. I aint blogging that live feed. I'm going to watch Breaking Bad. Enjoy the Olymp-dicks.

Thursday 26 July 2012

Big Brother 13: I forgot about Arron

Adam's naked arse! Happy new year. That's literally all I have to say about the first quarter.
The Loch Ness monster is not a snake. It's not even a hand puppet. How can Scott deny something Sara's seen with her own eyes? I've been to Egypt. But the less said about that the better.
Sara's suddenly flipped. Caroline is still in her McDonalds/pyramid reverie. They're both as stupid as each other. OMG Caroline is annoying me SO MUCH. Someone. help. me.
I love the fact that probably the only book Luke S has ever read is 'The Game' - a book about how to trick girls into fancying you. His idol is probably Mystery and his furry hats. He got a pretty slow handclap after his speech.
To be fair, Scott got an easier subject to debate, so the task is a bit unfair. Although Scott isn't really 'himself', as such, is he?
I want to see Ashleigh do a debate. Or just string a sentence together. I think I hate everyone today, even Adam and Luke S. I think I like Sara sometimes. Then I come to my senses.
This office task is like a cut-price BBUSA task. Except BBUSA is good. As usual, I have no idea what's going on. I'm not sure if it's not my fault for not paying attention, or the producers for not explaining well.
Luke S summed up purely by a drawing of a cock and balls. Nuff said. So Deana was cheating, but only to pass the task for Sara. This task is stupid. It's like Drawsome for mutants.
Scott: 'I forgot about Arron.' So did I, thank God. 
Adam is soooooo touchy lately. Luke S: 'Fucking women.' Charming. Deana did it to win the task for you, Adam. Get a grip. Exactly; 'use your brains.' They are so dumb. I hope they're going to say sorry to Deana. Not exactly allies are they? More like unfriendly fire.
What are Becky and Sara arguing about? Should I care? Neither of us have a clue.
How many times did you rewind Caroline smacking herself in the face with a bottle of shampoo? Twice for me. Fucking hell, it's not like she stood on a plug or something; a serious injury. If I did that, my boyfriend would just laugh at me. Is she blind? Quick, call an ambulance. Get her out the house. Take her to A&E. Just to make sure. Ashleigh: 'that'll teach her.' Don't go into nursing, will you?
What is WRONG with Caroline? I think there's actually something mentally wrong with her. Yeah, evict her with a mash-up face *insert own joke here*. Black eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyed.
Sara: 'why the fuck would I want to speak to any of my housemates?' Fair point. This is one of the worst episodes I've seen this year. My boyfriend just pointed out Sara is trying to disappear down her own top. There's a metaphor here somewhere.
So will you be watching the Olympics opening ceremony tomorrow? If so, watch out for the fake alien invasion/ terrorist attack. I'll be watching some dimwit being chucked out of a house on Big Brother. Mind you, it beats watching Phil Daniels and Fab Macca, or whoever's been roped into this latest spectacle of shame. Ring pieces.

Wednesday 25 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Onion argy-bargy

Not another bloody party! They have more parties than Lindsey Lohan. I like it when Americans use the word 'partying' when they mean taking drugs. I've done so much partying, I'm suffering from exhaustion = I'm a drug addict and I need a lie down.
Well they've got the most childish housemates sewn up. I once ordered someone a bouncy castle as a prank when I was about 15 after they ordered me cabs and pizzas for an entire night. I think I won that one. The person's mum rang up and my dad gave me a tell-off, but it was quite half-hearted. Booked that bouncy castle through the Yellow Pages, too; old skool.
First R-Pattz and K-Stew, now Luke and Ashleigh to break up? My faith in love has been shaken!
The boys are so sad listening in on that conversation; they'd diss the girls for doing the same. Him and her both basically said the same thing about each other; they can't stand the sound of each other's voices. True love. Like Conor laughing! What a supportive friend. His face was a picture.
I think 'humiliated' is the word Ashleigh is looking for, not annihilated. That enormous bed looks ace. Luke can't exactly complain, he said much the same about her behind her back. Careful there on that high horse, Luke S, you're on shaky ground. He hates anything that dents his ego. I've seen some showmances in my time, but this one is really built on the sand.
This task is sexist. What are they going to do next; try on shoes? Luke A must be pleased he made the transition, this is pathetic.
Luke S is really PISSED off. What's his prob, she only said he had an annoying voice and he stinks? LOL. Onion boy! Chop, chop, it's all in the mind etc. Funions! (Jesse off Breaking Bad)
Ashleigh: 'you make me out to look like a fucking arsehole.' She's not a very nice person, is she? She's just a shallow bitch. She's not got a nice word to say about anyone. How can anyone LIKE Conor's hair? Shaven armpits on men? Oh, please. Nair thanks.
Does Luke S REALLY like her? I think HE likes her more than she likes him! But I still don't think that means much. Relationship? Relationshit, more like. Luke S: 'I'll be happy one day.' When?
Ashleigh: 'Blind people can only see in the dark. They can feel objects better than we can feel it in the dark.' This might be the most stupid thing she's said yet.
Why is Caroline guffawing at the word 'transistioning'? What does Caroline regret the most? Is it that hairdo?
Wow, Deana's great, great, great grandad is 110. 'What does he look like?' Deana: 'He can still walk and everything but he passed away last month.' What?! I also hear her great, great, great granddaughter is pretty fine.
Caroline: 'Let's make a toast to the happy couple... onions.' LOL.
Luke A shouldn't take offense at Caroline laughing; she just has no emotional intelligence. She literally is the type who'd 'laugh at a funeral' like in that rubbish song from the 90s.
Is Luke S trying to teach Ashleigh etiquette? I think that ship has sailed. Licking your plate is fucking disgusting and I eat like Kerry Katona. I like Deana's earrings. Not so much Adam dribbling.
Ratleigh's ears look particularly big when she scrapes her hair back. I think they hate each other. Perhaps they'll have a hate fuck later, with Caroline looking on, giggling or scowling.
If Conor's a raver you think he'd be a bit more loved up. They're not so much dancing as walking round in a circle. Should have played Basshunter instead.
Adam copped a good feel of Ashleigh's sweaty boob area, didn't he? Ha, I'm surprised Luke did sleep with her in the end. He IS into her a bit! I have no idea why. She must smell like money.

Tuesday 24 July 2012

Big Brother 13: You've never seen a bigger bollock than Luke S

Isn't it great when people at work accidentally cc you into an email slagging you off? I LOVE that feeling. What a shitty fucking week I've had. So yay for the noms twist. AT LAST they listen. It's good for BB, too, because they make more money by putting more people up.
Why is Deana crying straightening Adam's hair? Is it because it looks so crap? Mind you, there's at least three worse hairstyles in the house; Luke S, Caroline and Conor: the Hitler brigade.
Caroline would rather 'live in a house with people she doesn't get along with than leave before them'. At least she admits her priorities. Even if they're warped.
I love it when we get a glimpse of Adam's argyle socks tattoo. Hilarious. What's the point in nominating Sara, though? She's pointless. I'm fairly sure she'll go this week, because who's her fanbase? Wills and Harry?
You've nominated Luke A, Becky, because he owned you. End of. What a dogshit reason for nominating Deana too. She 'moves too slowly'?! She's somehow burning off more calories than you.
Sara looks good in a bikini. That doesn't really make her a worthwhile housemate, does it? LOL she nominated Luke S. Good! What are these 'strange pants' she speaks of? I want to see them. Oooh, she changed her nomination from Adam to Ashleigh! Girl is waking up. Nicely done. There's one for the outsiders.
Conor - heartless and cruel? Surely not. Ashleigh nominating Luke A for being bitchy. What an idiot. Ashleigh nominating Deana because she's jealous of her body basically, now Lauren's gone. Who isn't this moron jealous of?
Yes, Luke A, Deana is playing a game; Big Brother. How dare Deana dance to music when they play it? What a stupid reason for nominating someone.
Caroline's nominations are so far off the mark, she just makes herself look like the shallow little prick she is. Who ISN'T Caroline annoyed by? Even her own mirror has cracked in protest at having to look at her face, doesn't she get it yet?
Ooh, Conor's nominating Sara, too. He must know she's hitched her apple wagon to Deana's star.
My brain switched off for a minute because I was thinking about Enter the Void and Triangle that I watched at the weekend, and then I see housemates putting elastic bands on a watermelon. I think I'd rather sit through Enter the Void again, even though it's an hour and a half too long. Lovely visuals though. Still not convinced to take DMT! That rabbit hole might not have a ladder back up. Anyway, I digress.
Did God step in to sort these nom noms out? Will God point his finger at Ashleigh or Luke S? Here's hoping. Sara: 'I didn't think you'd be up, Adam.' You almost nominated him, do you have amnesia?!
The outsiders DIDN'T vote tactically. It was just luck that BB fiddled with the noms. The insiders are shitting themselves now. Good. About time they had a spoonful of it. And I'm also glad Scott's safe.
Why is Adam being so testy? Stop having a strop, silly. You aint the only one up. Talking of testy, did you see Luke S flashing his balls on BOTS last night? Horrendous. What was he thinking? Oh here it is. That's actually obscene. Did he just say it was 'full of eggs'?! Him and Ashleigh couldn't operate a condom between them. I fear for the future of humanity. So Ashleigh doesn't care if Luke goes? By the time she met him in two weeks on the outside he'd probably have fucked about 25 girls. She doesn't give two flying fucks. Can she count to two?
Caroline is quite astute that Adam is liked outside, so why would she take him on? You have to respect her in a way, for blundering on regardless. OMG Caroline don't you DARE ape the AMAZING Harry with 500,000 Nutellas. You can NEVER live up to his banana legacy; never. Don't even try it.
Luke A's: 'I hope they get some of these evil tossers out' was definitely second candidate for my title. Luke is getting a bit cocky, but he's been pushed to the limit. Adam's 'performance' - uh-oh, that's a dodgy word to use.
LOL to 'do you think she'll go?' 'Hopefully.' about Caroline. I think Caroline has more fans than they think. It will be Sara or Ashleigh out that door. I'll be voting to save the 'soldiers'. I don't love them, but they've put up a good fight. Let's not let them fall at the final hurdle.

Monday 23 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Weighty-hatey

I just lost the first quarter of my blog, but it was boring as fuck (BB, not my blog, obv) so here's how it went. Ashleigh is playing letter-gate like a fiddle.
Why is it always idiots like Luke S who want kids? He's too self-obsessed to look after a budgie, he'd be gawping in it's little mirror trying to sort out his bouffant whilst the poor thing dropped dead from lack of bird seed.
Luke S and Ashleigh's conversation is scintillating. Adam, Luke A and Deana really need to tread carefully with their semi-noms talk. I notice Caroline's make up mirror is cracked. No punchline required.
Conor: 'I hate cats.' Conor: my cats hate you. In fact they said you make the Neanderthal man look like David Attenborough. 
Adam's got some bouncy moobs going on there! Luke S looks like he's got tits, too. I hate all BBUK tasks. I can't wait to watch yesterday's BBUSA tonight. I'm having to avoid Twitter to avoid getting spoilerised, which is difficult; in fact I've already fucked myself, but it was via a thread in the BBUK forum on Digital Spy - thanks for that! We forced my friend to watch BBUSA the other night and she said it was 'boring'. WTF?
Did Luke A just say he didn't shit? What witchcraft is that? Adam is gross leaving skid marks in the toilet. Haven't they got a toilet brush?! Minging.
Ashleigh should have to clean up Adam's dirty toilet to win Deana's letter. Fair's fair.
Nelly and a barbeque. What more could you want from a party?
It's a shame Shev isn't still in there to get scared by Ashleigh. Don't give up the day job, Ashleigh, whatever that is (probably signing on). I'd rather take my chances with the clown from It.
Why did Conor have a screwface when Deana got her letter? He was crying for her yesterday. Guess those fake emotions only last so long.
Do you remember when Bea got a video from home and it was from her friend, but not her best friend or her mum and she threw her toys out of the pram in the most revolting manner? I wonder if they're still friends?
You're not supposed to stick earbuds in your ear like that, Ashleigh. Maybe that's how she dislodged her brain.
Conor likes nomination day. Says it all really; nasty bastard.
What sort of person tells their 'friend' they've put on weight? Sara's about as fat as a matchstick. Caroline doesn't look fat; just ugly. Sara: 'my bum makes me feel like I want to pass out.' Becky's must make you feel like dying.
Love Scott being catty about Luke S and saying he's 'one of the most uncool people I've ever met.' I don't think I've ever seen the two of them speak. Hopefully he'll nominate it.
Don't do a prayer, Deana, do a fix, a little whisper, bit of tittle-tattle. Is Luke A even religious?! I'm sure God is getting right on this shit. Fuck starvation, wars and natural disasters. Save the outsiders!

Saturday 21 July 2012

Big Brother 13: See you in a bit

The good thing about Lauren going and Luke A staying is that Lauren would NEVER have dared stick it to them like that after. You think he'd be keeping his head down before next noms, but he's always had weak gameplay; still I love that he's shown his spine. The trouble with this is, over-confidence can be deadly at any stage of proceedings so he's playing quite a dangerous game as it wouldn't be difficult for team thicko to block vote Luke A and Adam.
Does Caroline know she's on TV? I wouldn't even sit around my house after a hangover in that state. She looks homeless.
Scott and Caroline sticking the knife in Becky; BFFs for life, obv.
Caroline talking about safe sex? They didn't like it when Benedict did it. I like Scott winding them up about the sex. Luke A and Ashleigh have already done it! Becky and Caroline are such prudes. Love Scott powdering his face as he enters the DR. I like Scott more than ever at the moment. He's odious, but at least he's entertaining. I like his Eminem hair, too.
The marshmallow task was quite funny, I though. And possibly a health and safety risk. I can think of a few people I'd like to see choke to death in there, no names mentioned. Oh Becky, stop acting, you bore. She's just a thick, nasty bitch.
I like Luke A and Adam's relationship, it feels very real; a meeting of minds and common sensibilities. I honestly believe they'll be friends for life.
Really classy when Lauren got evicted. 'Thank you for being there.' was just so honest and touching from Adam, it actually made me cry. So unfair the way this game went. Desperately sad and unjust.
So they did hear 'get Caroline out' and 'get Conor out'. Sweet. Caroline's ready to 'die in a hole'. Don't let me stop you. I'll help you dig it if you like. No really, let's go do it now, before you change your mind. And can we stick Conor in there with you?
Caroline: 'Luke's been playing the victim.' Because he is the victim! Luke is right, the public do see.
Why is Luke A telling Ashleigh his innermost thoughts? He probably wants it to get back to Becky. Why is Ashleigh even out there talking to him? Since when did Ashleigh think Luke A 'was such a great guy'? Oh, since he was saved by the public. Now she's going to go back to Becky and tell on him. So transparent.
Caroline: 'I think you could win it.' to Conor. She'd probably just giggle like a thick little twat when she heard his 'epilator' hate crime.
Ashleigh, you agreed that Becky was an actress. Stop tittle-tattling, and stop saying 'who is he?'
Luke vs Becky; ding ding! This is good. She was expecting him to back down, and the way he just fronted her was delicious. 'Don't tell me what to say... I don't give a fuck.' Just wonderful. I'm trying work out what's going on in Scott's mind. I think he might be reevaluating his alliances.
Becky: 'just tell me the reasons why you don't like me.' Luke A: literally sizes himself up and lists reasons like he's been waiting for it all season. At LAST! At fucking last. I haven't felt this jubilant in BB for a few weeks now. Becky sees herself losing control and is just flapping.
Becky: 'deep down I think you're got a heart of gold.' Deep down I think your heart is made of shit, Becky, just like everything that comes out of your mouth. Luke's got fire in his eyes and belly. I love it. I love Scott's face.
'See you in a bit' was a cool ending to that. If I was Adam I would have given him a high five. Even Scott looked like was laughing. Where can I buy an 'awkward balloon'?
Becky's outrage is brilliant to behold. She didn't like someone telling her the truth, because everyone runs round her pretending she's this fun, jolly person, when she's vile. She was expecting him to 'roll over' and she didn't get what she wanted. But she's not 'upset' in anyway. She's just coming undone. 
Becky has really misjudged this Conor 'friendship' ie. where Conor just blackmailed her into keeping her info another week. Ooh, Scott is keeping his options open.
Luke; beware that false confidence. Adam: 'you've absolutely got to pick them.' Yes, the right people this week. All vote for Becky and Caroline. Done.
Becky: 'he doesn't even know me.' There's nothing to know; you're just an empty shell.
So, the fightback has begun, but all it will take now is for team trash to block vote Adam and Luke up. Please, please, please put them all up this week and give them a fighting chance. On the grounds of humanity!

Friday 20 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Fucking hell, you weird bitch

I just watched a bit of Braxton Family Values. It was an eye-opener.com.
Anyway, let's see another undeserving person thrown out of the happy, happy house. Me and my friends who are round (alright, my boyfriend and my only friend who's round) sort of want Luke A to stay, but agree he needs to get his game together. I am so 50/50 on it, I just can't decide. Either is the wrong result, and the final will be full of baddies. The only solace I suppose is that they'll all get 5 minute interviews.
My BFF thinks Caroline is funny and 'the most entertaining - but cruel'! Goodness me.
My boyfriend just pointed out that 'someone has Ribena as their night drink.' That can't be good for your teeth. Good luck with merging in with the douche crowd, Adam. My BFF said, 'you're better off being yourself' and she's right. 
LOL, why is Ashleigh telling Luke S he's got a small willy and Conor's got a big 'un? That was actually quite funny for her.
Why is Adam handcuffing Deana? Lauren in the DR: 'awkward.' Awkward is too overused. I don't believe you can just declare yourself 'one of the lads', either.
What is this 'Jersey brand of cigarettes'? Does it have a cow on it? #racist
I like Adam refusing to integrate. My BFF just pointed out that it seems like no one has had a good time in that house. It has been the most sour series ever.
Luke A - please cheer up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's quite tedious to watch.
You do lie detector! This task would have been more interesting with Adam. I still don't get the Sara/ Deana best friends thing. Sara seems to be answering quite honestly. Well, well, well. You were LYING, etc.
My boyfriend just declared: 'Pete Waterman is the best songwriter in the world and Michaela Strachan taught how to read using The Sun newspaper.' What the fucking fuck?
Adam takes things a bit too personally. Who cares if he's the least person she'd like to be stuck in the house with? I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Is Sara really saying she fancies Conor? UGH. Ashleigh: 'Conor's absolutely stunning.' If you like Desperate Dan with spray-on hair, I guess.
So Lauren bit the dust. They didn't even show Luke's face. The camera angles have been shit this year. Lauren should not be going before 90% of that house. A very subdued eviction, I think. 
I'm on the live feed now. LOL to the 'get Caroline out' chants. Giggle, giggle. Luke A: time to fix up and look sharp. Him, Adam and Deana need to get their heads together fast and start shit-stirring about two housemates fast (without saying the word 'nomination' - it's not that difficult).
What's that white suit Adam's wearing? Ashleigh actually looks quite nice tonight. Shame about the genetics.
Why is Conor always wearing Aztec prints? Why is no one saying anything? This live feed is dregs. I want to know what conversation Adam and Lauren were having outside, ffs.
And we're back in the room. Just watched Brand X in the meantime, it was a lot better than the Sexy Ads show.
Don't think much to Luke A's outfit. Two dreary shades of black on your potential eviction night? Snooze.
Another win for Team Cunt. Lauren is getting cheered. Hope Ashleigh can hear that. She got a great reception. I'm glad Lauren's out of there in a way. Who wants to live with that rotten lot anyway? WTF did she do to deserve 7 nominations?
Lauren: 'after everyone's heard everyone's stories...' We never get to hear anyone's stories. It's horrid showing her that 'spoon' thing; her basically being dehumanised. Why are they focusing on Caroline so much? Ashleigh hated her just as much, if not more. Why haven't they focused on that more? Caroline is clearly the fall guy this week; bet you a million pounds everyone puts Caroline up this week; she's an easy target now.
Lauren's loving the Adam clips. They didn't show him saying he's got a hard-on. What's the porno music?
I knew Brian was going to say Lauren was leading Adam on. Brian always has a go at the wrong person.
Lauren was classy in her interview. But I was depressed about her comment that all girls talk about is make-up. Fuck off. 
Quite sad, really. She should have been in the final. It's going to be such a grim final. It's going to be Frankie Cocozza and Denise Welch all over again. But times five.
Did Brian just say Kirk Norcross was hot? My boyfriend's reaction to that was: 'well some gay men like homophobes.' Ah, that little bit of live feed was good because you can see the outsiders have been buoyed by it a bit. Deana; 'we need to join forces'. Correct. Go under the covers. Write it on a piece of paper in eyeliner. Whisper in the toilets. Just align your fucking votes this week; please. It's your last chance.

Thursday 19 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Yop top

My boyfriend has suddenly turned into Dennis Leary; moaning and ranting that hot water gets turned off for rule breaks instead of housemates 'being put on the block': (note the BBUSA speak). He's not wrong, though.
Lauren's roots are looking like mine do before I force myself from the London/Surrey borders to Holloway Road to get mine done. I think I go once every three months. As a peroxide blonde; it's unforgivable.
Ashleigh isn't sure about her outfit; nor am I. It looks like one of Courtney Love's cast offs; and only Courtney can get away with that.
Luke S pretending that location or clean vs messy means anything to his and Ashleigh's 'relationship' is laughable. We know there's no relationship. There's not one now, and there certainly won't be one outside the house. It's too little, too late and you're fooling no one, sunshine.
I'm not surprised that Ashleigh and Scott are turning on Becky next; it was obvious she was going to be the next fall guy. But I'm happy to see her fall; in fact, I'll give her a shove myself.
How to repel boys... how to repel the entire human race, more like, Caroline.
Is Deana going on about money again? I hope Luke S isn't listening. I feel a bit sorry for her if she thinks the way to stop men cheating is to 'cut off his money'?! Cut off his dick, more like. Ashleigh is talking sense for once. Vows are for life! Lauren: 'every man will cheat.' How sad.
Ashleigh: 'I've got so many words to describe Deana.' I can imagine what one is. Yet she has none to describe anything else. Ashleigh is such a bitter person, and it's written all over her face. Her 'soulmate' parents produced a cruel little bully, I hope they're pleased.
They're having to shoehorn a storyline in for Sara as she has all the personality of a lampshade. She looks nice, though, in fact she looks lovely. Every time I look at Conor's gurning face I feel sick and sad.
Scott's gay, so why does he have to do the date? Is this where he's going to get the tell-off? What's he going to do, insult the Scottish? His line about a President was quite good.
Adam came out touching his crotch! 'Do you fuck on the first date?' LOL. She liked that better than Conor not talking. I'd probably laugh if someone said that on a first date. Just push the table over or something. Easy. I think I like Adam when he's a bit pervy sometimes, at least it shows a naughty side to him.
Love Luke A winning the 'lads night in' and Luke S cheering before being not invited.
Deana's 'real recognises real people' mantra isn't that catchy, is it? 
Why didn't they show that scene of Scott saying that about Indian culture? I find that EXTREMELY fishy.  They should repeat it over the loudspeaker. The only reason I think we didn't see this scene is because it was worse than we've been told, or more innocuous than we've been told, and BB are either trying to save their skin or just pretend they're doing something. 
'Sarcasm' could be bullying; what about threats of rape and violence towards women?! Ouch, that sarcasm really hurts. Ouch. Out of character.... lolz.
My boyfriend just said, 'It's like Diary Room martyrs this week.' Here's how we can decide between the good and bad people in the house; the ones who have been called into the DR for being racist and the ones who haven't.
I'm glad Adam and Luke got that treat; they deserve a break. I was just going to say I think they'll be friends for life outside the house but then Adam said something about Luke's nuts (or lack of). Was that offensive or not?! I rewound it three times and couldn't tell. It's like a political minefield tonight! Richard Littejohn wouldn't know whether he was Arthur or Martha. We ARE all going to hell in a handcart.
Why does no one know what 'tactile' means on this show?! Poor Adam; he's setting himself up for a fall.
Uh oh, now Luke's getting involved. Lauren: 'this always happens to me.' How awful, having men falling at your feet. She does encourage him a bit, but I don't even want to say that because I can't bear the 'prick tease' talk, it makes me fucking sick. I think she just likes the attention, and you know, she's young and I don't think she's entirely got her game together yet. Adam should know better. She's cute; of course he's going to fall for her.
Caroline: 'sometimes I think I've definitely ruined my life.' You have.
Oh dear, is it the 'it's not you, it's me' talk. Lauren, you're not 'one of the lads'. You do send mixed messages, but I don't think she 'led him on'. That was a little bit sad. But it doesn't make Lauren a bad person. But it might give Adam a helping sympathy vote next week. And I want Adam to win right now.

Wednesday 18 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Says she in that frock

I saw a friend tonight and said, 'Are you watching Big Brother?' and she said, 'No, I'm not enjoying it and it's boring.' Can't really argue with that sort of common sense.
One mark for the clip of Scott going 'boo woo' again; we can't stop saying it in this house, it's almost as if that has become the correct impression.
No marks for the rest of the entire show. Why does Luke A care that a bunch of cretins don't like him? Isolated? You've got three friends in the house, it's not that bad. I think Luke A is having a 'boo woo' day. He's going to boo woo his way out of the competition if he's not careful.
Is Luke A wearing Arron's onesie, or is that just a communal house onesie? Does it get issued with the rulebook?
The fact Luke A thinks Luke S was 'cool' is quite telling. Luke A is as cool as a pair of microwave slippers.
They don't show much of Scott, really do they?
I'm glad Sara is sticking up for Deana. Adam is being really silly. It's obvious that they are going to pick off Adam next. She was saying 'you're part of her crowd'. It was a compliment. You ARE NEXT, you dick. Now fix up, because you're shooting yourself in the foot bad. It doesn't put you in a 'terrible position'. You were on the precipice anyway, dickwad.
Why is Luke 'sucking ass' of the darkside after just declaring he wouldn't? It's a bit late to campaign now, we vote, not them. He's keen to stay, isn't he? Perhaps he should have stopped skulking in the smoking corner.
Adam has never liked Deana from day one. The outsiders used Deana to make up the numbers. I'm glad she's not up this week.
Caroline does look fat, actually. Fat, ugly and horrible, what a winning combination.
They're actually letting Becky do the shopping list? Conor: 'I hope they fuck it up.' Yeah, don't let a girl do it, whatever you do, they're bound to fail. Conor, don't threaten to throw chicken nuggets over the wall. What did they ever do to you? About as much as Deana did. Probably less.
Oh God, Luke A is trying to mend fences with Becky now. He's starting to look a bit desperate. You're on the ropes. Don't suck up to the people. They've put you there.
WHAT!? How come Caroline is getting told off for bullying? What about CONOR? What's that as a result of?! Bad edit. I can't tell what's going on. Don't get me wrong, Caroline getting called in by the Tell-off man is no bad thing. I only wish it was the Tell-off man off Breaking Bad and he was armed and dangerous.
It IS difficult to undo that horrendous personality, isn't it, Caroline? She should have heeded Benedict's words; she's a nasty spiteful little girl. Conor tells her to just keep doing what she's doing. So he can win.
What did Becky order, 300 cans of Spam? Oh no, 12 billion bars of chocolate.
Why are Caroline and Lauren making up now? I don't buy it for a minute! Ironic Lauren is sucking on a spoon when that's their nickname for her. You lied to me, you lied to a spoon.
What's 'instercourse?' Is it when someone has sex with Becky in sepia tones?
I know something that will make Ashleigh's doubts about Luke A 'resurface'. Luke S: 'Lauren walks like an elephant.' Charming. Why is Ashleigh obsessed with Lauren? Is it because Lauren is smart, pretty and normal? Yes. Luke S doesn't even fancy Lauren! He was just trying to get with any 'bird' and you're the lucky chicken, Ashleigh! Squawk.
Ashleigh is putting all the paranoia she feels about Luke into Lauren. 'They know about farms.' What!? 'I feel thick.' You are thick. You're an embarrassment. I'd hate so much to feel like that. Can you imagine being that stupid? It would be frightening. It would be terrifying trying to understand the world when you have no emotional intelligence or otherwise. How could her parents have let it happen? Why is she always going on about how thick she is? Read a fucking book. Why is she obsessed with learning how to cook? Just get a bloody takeaway.
Luke A is trying to show his 'fun side'. Bit late! I don't mean to pick on him, but he's being so transparent.
Caroline is having a Fair Isle meltdown in the DR. Will someone give her a fucking hairbrush? WHY did she get in so much trouble? Did she threaten to rape someone? Did she do another racist attack? It would be nice to be told. More importantly; why has no one nominated this disgusting creature yet? Give it a tissue and tell it to fuck off. BOO WOO.

Tuesday 17 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Pasta la vista

Do you remember when Bea (destroyer of Freddie) said pointedly; 'Are we going to have a positive or negative day today?' Well, we don't need to ask that anymore. We've got a houseful of sour-faced Bea's. In fact Caroline makes Bea look like Helen 'I like blinking I do.' I'd rather live in Albert Square than the Big Brother house right now.
Scott, Sara and Becky have gone firmly back to the darkside. And the thing is, they've been bullied into going to the darkside. But they've done it with glee so fuck 'em.
Is there anything funnier than Caroline saying she's 'surrounded by bitchy people'? This is the most horrible Big Brother I've ever seen, poisoned from inside out, no laughs, no one to champion. The producers have let the bullies run riot and I'm certain the viewing figures must be plummeting.
Watching them stuff their fat faces isn't exactly appealing either. Becky moaning because someone can't stuff their face as easily as she can; cos they've not had as much practice as you, you fat fuck.
Face to face nominations were guaranteed to keep Conor in because who would dare nominate the thick thug to his face? Why are they STILL protecting him?
Fool's gold. Another nomination twist in the wrong week. Another nail in coffin of righteousness.
Even the way they did face to face nominations was stupid and lacked tension. Conor shouldn't even be in that house. Conor's reason for nominating Lauren was tragic; BB sees everything so who cares if she told on you! If they'd shown Luke's little Batchelor chat on the big screen he would have been up this week - well, if he wasn't immune. 
Ashleigh just mentioned Catherine. Who the fuck is Catherine? Here's some reasons people nominated Deana; you put a chicken in the oven, you told us to wait five seconds. WTF? These people are loopy.
I hated that; just horrible. If Adam had nominated Caroline instead of Ashleigh, Caroline would have been up and we could have got rid of that cunt at last. That's the problem with 'the outsiders', they have never been able to organise their voting correctly, even when Lydia was in there. Even now you can't talk about nominations, you can easily heavily slag off two housemates and get your point across, it's quite simple.
I actually want to punch Becky in the face. I don't care how much her breast weighs. I just want to see her bundled into the river like Nanna Birk Larsen and then for Sarah Lund to go on an extended holiday.
Luke A is right to feel defeated. He's been victimised since day one. I don't think he needs to worry about being booed; not unless they've got the Conor rent-a-crowd there. I must admit, I want Luke A to stay. I think it means more to him. Although Lauren staying will be one in the eye for the girls.
WHY is Caroline ruling that house? WHY do people like Caroline so much? She's fucking evil. She's ugly through and through. She's a plate-faced, poisonous piece of shit. She needs wiping off the planet for the sake of humanity. I don't throw around personal insults and wish such things on people easily, but she really is the lowest of the low.
Deana is right; they should have voted smarter. I think Luke's beef is that he really wants to win, and his chances are slim now, because his group is fucked each week. That was really nice of Big Brother to point out what Deana said: the truth.
Lauren AGAIN attacking someone on HER OWN SIDE. Fucking thicko! God, Adam or Deana HAVE to win this. I don't think BB will make much money on the phonelines this week, let's put it that way. It's like voting to get a toe or finger chopped off.
I don't know what Adam's upset about: Deana's RIGHT, it WILL be her and Adam next week. The other side didn't need telling that; that was the plan anyway. BB HAS to put them all up next week; they have to. Remember the joy every time Freddie stayed? Remember that happy feeling? We've not had a chance to feel that once this series. Big Brother hasn't just jumped the shark; it's fucked it.

Monday 16 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Docey no

I'm going to struggle with this one tonight so I'll just keep it short. Buffalos. Conor and Caroline - I'm glad they let them show that on the big screen so Becky could see Conor stabbing her in the back. She's still to stupid to take offense though.
Oops I missed the task (shame) as I'm having an ebay dispute with some dickhead who sold me a faulty phone and then went 'oh yeah, it's not in working order but I bought it from Asda so go in there and sort it out.' WTF! That's not how ebay works; it doesn't involve a trip to frigging Adsa. Give me my fucking money back.
Having said that, it looks like this has been one of the worst episodes of all time, so never mind. I forwarded through the hoedown because anything that involves them having fun makes me feel physically sick, such is my hatred for them all.
Nothing has happened in this episode. Not one conversation. Not one thing of interest. Conor is getting his usual hero edit. That's about it. I listened to a bit of Benedict's podcast last night which was quite pompous and embarrassing, but he did call Ashleigh 'a fucking bitch who's thick as pigshit' so that was one highlight. And that's one thing you don't get from Big Brother; the truth in any way shape or form. Every misdemeanor goes unpunished or covered up and good housemates are put up as like sacrificial lambs. And they think we're so stupid we can't see it.
Why has Deana not walked? I'd have broken someone's nose by now.
There's just not a good feeling about BB anymore. My boyfriend's stopped watching it. There's nothing to look forward to or enjoy because no one is getting their comeuppance. There's no happy ending.
Haha, Luke could come unstuck here confiding in Conor about Batchelor-gate. He's bound to tell someone - bet it's Caroline. Ha, followed by Luke going 'Lauren's a two faced fucking bitch.' and Conor going 'she's a spoilt little brat.' Has he met Caroline? The hypocrisy is so rich!
'She's stirring the broth.' says Becky, stirring the broth. Caroline: 'you're a boy so you're allowed to say rude things.' They obviously don't teach feminism at private school. Or manners.
The DR staff must really feel their hearts sink when Ashleigh goes in there. Did Ashleigh just call someone 'thick'? Ashleigh could be outsmarted by those fruit flies they've just taught how to count.
I think Luke A is quite perceptive that the crowd isn't on the dickhead crew's side. They trouble is, there's so many of them, the odds are highly in their favour.
I don't understand cornflake gate. I don't understand much anymore. I need to go bed.

Big Brother USA/ BB14 Launch show

I know it sounds tragic but my heart soared tonight watching the BBUSA launch show (which aired in the US on Thursday night). It reminds me of such a happy time in my life, when my boyfriend and I just sat in bed for six months watching about 8 seasons of it (actually maybe more). The Glass House can't even begin to compare to the magical drama, backstabbing, and unfairness of Big Brother USA. I have fallen in love (Kaysar, Dan, Janelle, Rachel - yes, Rachel!), hate (Cappy, Jessie, Matty, Jeff) and just appreciated the pure entertainment (Evil Dick, and even stupid Enzo and Renee). There's also the most shocking racism and homophobia you'll ever see and they do dick all about it, so that's good to get me angry, and I like to be angry. People also properly break their friends hearts. It's absolutely ruthless (remember Shelly from last year?)
It makes me laugh that they bring some of the same contestants back year after year. I don't really mind though, because they are normally fucking ace and have been shafted. This time they've brought four contestants back as 'coaches'; Britney (Queen of the roll eyes), Janelle (best female player ever), Dan (probably the best male player ever, and a real football coach) and Mike 'Boogie'. Is Boogie his actual surname now? God, he's always been ugly, but he looks completely haggard now. He also looks like he's had botox, ironically. He's got devilish eyebrows going on. Couldn't we have had Dr Will instead? At least he's easy on the eye. And how come they showed Rachel, Enzo, Renee and Jessie at the start? Please, no more Jessie. Please! 
Anyway, let's examine these new people. They actually seem like quite a pleasant crowd, there's not anyone stand out odious from the start (like the entire cast of The Glass House). I like the guy who said he'd been 'reading strategic books' before he went in the house. I'd love to see what they were. I like the look of Ian, who looks about 12, the blonde stupid one, the guy with the curly hair, the gay guy with the long hair who looks like a cross between Fabio and that dude off Made in Chelsea and is called Wil with one l... the nurse, quite a lot of them seem alright. What's going on!?
The house looks nice and jazzy. OMG seeing Boogie and Dr Will doing their 'bhahahaha' thing in the DR makes my toes curl. Arseholes! I hate Boogie! He won by accident! He's as bad a winner as Adam, Maggie or Jun, ffs.
I don't think Britney is going to be that good a judge as all she does is roll-eyes, and she got super-shafted in the end. All of the coaches look like they live in mansions.
This Willie guy seems kind of annoying. Hope he doesn't get Head of House. Oh.
I think Boogie picked the strongest team, tbh. I like Frank. I liked Boogie's motivational speech: 'there's a flight to JFK tonight, do you want to be on it, let's go!' 
The task they did was pretty fun, I love the tasks they do, and the way they cut them, and just the whole over the topness. The fact they kicked someone out in the first night was really cruel. I'm sad it was Dan's team too, I'd like him to win, plus Jodi seemed lovely, but she was physically the weakest, and I like Danielle. But it could have been worse; a lot worse. Poor Jodi didn't even get a real interview, bless her!
Who will Willie nominate? I suspect it will be another alpha male. It's bound to be someone I like!
I'm not going to blog every episode because I think it's just too niche for my audience; I only know a couple of people who watch it here in the UK and one of them is my boyfriend! Plus it's fun to watch some shows and not have to blog. Plus I'll always be watching them a bit behind. Anyway, you can watch it here, and you should. And you should watch all the old series. It will be the best six months of your life, I promise. I wish I could have those days back when we used to watch four in a row. I've never watched a show that made my heart pound from the drama of it all. And the unfairness! So many people have fallen at the final hurdle (Marcellas!) But these are TV moments you'll remember forever. You'll probably remember them on your deathbed it's so fucking good. Viva Chenbot!

Sunday 15 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Fingers crossed she goes before me

Hi rapidly depleting BB fans, sorry I didn't blog last night, I was knackered. I think I actually enjoyed the show more not blogging it because I wasn't forced to comment on every non-story. But from the looks of things tonight's going to be a good one. Side note: just watched the first BB14 USA and it is FUCKING AMAZING. I'm gonna blog it later, and there will be profuse enthusiasm. Please read it even if you don't watch it cos I'm going to CONVINCE you to watch it.
Anyway; onto our shower of shitbags. I think Conor's going to have another 'out of character' outburst tonight. How many times do you have to verbally abuse someone before it becomes part of your character? I'd say two strikes and you're out. Conor's on about 20.  I hate Conor the most when he wears that stupid vest. He played Scott and Becky a good 'un last night. They're thick as fuckery if they fall for his BS.
Conor discussing nominations AGAIN. Yet he goes off on Deana when he's said a zillion times worse.
My boyfriend just pointed out if you told Caroline her mum died she'd giggle. She's such a pathetic specimen - if I'd given birth to it, I'd try and invent a time machine to undo that evil.
Deana and Conor should be put up as a punishment; a good, clean head to head. Then we'll sort the men from the ladies.
OMG, Conor is SO aggressive! Look at him slamming around. How can he still be in there? His fuse is so short he rightly should have blown up by now. Go fuck yourself, you stupid thick cunt. I'm sick of hearing his voice, seeing his face, his stupid hair, his stupid clothes, his aggressive manner. WHY DOES Conor hate Deana so much? Is he racist? What HAS SHE DONE?! I don't think we'll ever know.
Becky is rich calling Lauren 'wooden spoon' - she's the biggest shit-stirrer in the house. She's a floater and a mega gossip.
Deana is SO PATIENT with Conor. Conor: 'I have never had an argument in this house at all.' He can't control himself around Deana. It's not that Conor doesn't trust Deana, it's just that he can't trust HIMSELF around Deana.I'm certain he's going to flatten her at some point. Who is VOTING FOR THIS PRICK? Argh, I literally can't STAND IT. I can't cope with it. On the grounds of humanity!
LOL to the Morrissons value suntan lotion; I hope Conor gets skin cancer, do the world a favour.
I hate Becky so much again tonight. To think I actually VOTED to save that dumb cunt. Yes, I've called two people cunts tonight. Equal ops. The only thing wooden in that house is Ashleigh. And Sara.
I saw a glimpse of this secret task on BOTS and it looks like it's going to be amazing. They've stitched Luke S up BAD. How could Luke fall for this? Surely he's not that thick. Love the devil horns. IS he this thick? Or is he a good actor? It's like what they did with Anton, telling him his rubbish single was at number 1.
I don't know if Luke S could be that stupid/callous to sell Ashleigh down the river like that and not expect them to show it on the big screen. Unless he knows they'll show it and he wants out. Or is he so vain he's lost all sense of reality? Either way; this could be the end of his game. And as much as I think he's a pompous twat (that lips tattoo says it all) he doesn't deserve this shafting as much as say, Conor or Caroline.
Luke has to showcase his sense of humour... that will take some serious acting.
Eww, Deana's either got sweaty knees or the grass is wet. Let's go for sweaty knees.
Luke is so arrog-cunt. I hope they show him disowning Ashleigh on the big screen. He absolutely deserves it.
Luke: 'I came in here and thought I'd get with a bird, but she irritates me and it might not last on the outside.' What a TOOL. How does he think that makes him look to the outside? What an utter knob-cheese. I liked that fake agent guy's little shrug at the end.
Any man who EVER refers to a woman as a BIRD should be treated as sub-human, as they're treating us as sub-human.
Please, please, please, please show it. Please show it. Please, please, please, please show it. He's twitching! Luke S's frozen smile is fab. Talk about shitting himself. They're going to sit on that footage and bring it out at an opportune time to destroy his game. Love the fact he mentioned the Katie and Peter show to Ash but not The Bachelor. I think you call that economical with the truth. He's got a dirty little secret now. Can't believe he really bought that - and he knows he's fucked his chances of winning. Luke S: 'what if I look fat?' No, what if they show that video. They're really brought him down a peg or two. Why are him and Ashleigh colour-co-ordinating? You can't co-ordinate your way to love.
The only justification for not showing that video is to spare Ashleigh's feelings. Otherwise it's totally justified. And really Ashleigh would be better off knowing sooner rather than later as she's being made to look an idiot. Don't get me wrong; I'm enjoying Luke's shame; but others deserve it more. I want to see Conor get fucked over. Luke should be thanking his lucky stars they didn't show that video; if I was in there I'd be in the DR pleading for them not to.
Luke should know pride comes before a fool. 'The end conversation might be taken out of context.' What context can you put that in?! You said you'd dump your 'girlfriend' for money because is sounded fun! Deana was right about that relationship. 'I'm not thinking of myself, I'm thinking of Ashleigh'; don't make me FUCKING LAUGH. What a scumbag. 'People can think what they think.' Yes, because of words that came out of your arrogant, vain gob. What BB did was cruel, but all they really did was give him enough rope to hang himself.  Now suck it up, doucepants. Suck it UP.

Friday 13 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Shev-gone

Yay, my last session at the conference finished at 8.45 so I'm in time for the eviction. Do you know what's funny? When someone asks you if you're coming to the bar and you go 'no, I'm going back to my room to blog Big Brother' and they go 'is that still on?' and look at you like you're brain-damaged. Well guess what? I AM brain damaged. I'm drinking a warm Diet Pepsi and watching someone I don't like get chucked out of a house in a lonely hotel room. And I'd rather do that than go to a bar. Because I'm a social disaster zone and I've talked to people all day and I just want to talk to myself now. I've realised lately just exactly how much I love blogging and TV and just hanging round the house with my boyfriend and my cats (not available in this room today). They might not be the healthiest of hobbies, but they make me happy. So I'm not going to apologise for it. I'm going to just do it and say no to the social things I don't want to do, except for the 1% I do want to do. Everyone hates me anyway, and rightly so, I'm a ridiculous human. Anyway.
Sara in the DR was quite sweet. I can see her going quite far and I'm quite sure she'll be there on the final night. Maybe she's not boring and she got an unfair edit. Either way; she's nowhere near as bad as I thought she was but I reserve the right to back track on this.
Yes Shev, we do need to see your journey end; tonight. No, of course I really want Conor to go: but he won't. Mind you, Shev has taken her 'personality' and made it so unbearable she's 95% unwatchable, so I wouldn't be sorry to see her go. But I would be sorry that Conor has fans.
They can't really be dropping rocks on Ashleigh's head, can they? Mind you, it would make no difference to her midget brain. Tiny midget brain! Does not compute.
Them not passing the task was a bit harsh but we've not seen them on a limited budget yet, have we? That should cause a bit of deserved misery.
It won't let me turn this TV up! I like my TV twice as loud as this; clowns.
Conor's mum: 'there's not a bad bone in Conor's body.' Well, he can't keep a civil tongue in his mouth and you've clearly not taught him any respect for women. He's also rotten inside. Apart from that, yeah, he's fab. Great hairdo.
Luke A's in a bit of a grump. I don't know if you have a right to moan at people for waking you up when you're sleeping in the daytime. Night time is a different story. But you have to remember; he's taking hormones to change sex. This has an affect on your mood - dur.
Ashleigh is an appalling judge of character. If she had a clue, she wouldn't be able to spell it.
Lauren likes Conor 'lots'. Oh dear. I can't work out which side is which any more. I preferred it when the battle lines were clearer.
Shev: 'can you imagine the house without Conor?' I'm trying to, but it seems like a pipe dream.
Adam's 'almost erect' - ugh. TMI. Adam shouldn't rub it into Luke A about erect penises. Lauren is predictably being called 'a prick tease'; I say pricks should control themselves.
Shev wants some Mr Kipling angel slices. I was considering those in Tescos the other day but went for some Galaxy Counters instead.
LOL my friend is phoning me at the exact moment of the EVICTION. Mental. Don't you even know me? This is my friend who's having a gathering tomorrow night on the exact weekend I'm in the arse end of nowhere. And that's one of the 1% of things I would have gone to. BOO WOO.
Shev looks cute, I like her 'little girl at a tea party' look. Look at Conor's silly earring. It's hard to blog this live feed cos I can only watch that part on my netbook which I'm blogging on. I need two screens. So I'll keep it sweet and keep it brief. Does Lauren ever talk about anything but cigarettes? I'm glad to see Ashleigh dented, and her side dented. She's wreaked enough havoc whilst offering nothing. I'm surprised they let them out when the crowd is cheering outside. Shev is rocking backwards and forwards like a mental patient. Ashleigh is actually being quite reassuring.
It's hard seeing Conor being quite smug after his annihilation last week. 'Keep on putting me up, fuckers, cos I aint going nowhere.' Ugh. They might not even put him up this week, which would be criminal. Conor vs Deana next week would be interesting... and educational because I think the passion from both sides runs high.
And we're back. Conor in the DR: 'I never thought I could be this popular.' WTF! This so wrong. He's popular like herpes. How come the boos were mute for Arron last week but are loud and clear for Shev? Oh, I forgot; she's a woman. Why is she getting booed THAT much? I mean, I can't stand her, but she wasn't evil, just irritating. I actually feel a bit sorry for her.
But then I saw that clip where she went off and Deana and overreacted about the 'will you marry me' thing and I felt less sorry for her. What is her real personality anyway?! Glad Brian stood up for Adam a bit and called her out on picking him to watch on the video clips.
I don't think Beyonce coined the term 'me, myself and I'. Shev was funny 1% of the time. But the rest? Keep it mute indeed. I have to get up at 7.30am for breakfast and work until 9.30pm tomorrow. I'll be quite un-cute tomorrow night, but I'll do my best to blog. How can we turn this BB around, people? We need a witch doctor. Or a miracle.

Thursday 12 July 2012

Big Brother 13: See how your rules spoil the game

Want some entertainment? Listen to Harry from last years Big Brother talk shit in the freezer, sneaking mobile phones into BB and 500 bananas etc on the Big Brother gossip podcast. I think I enjoyed it more than the Benedict interview even. Very, very funny, cool and insightful. When you're pining for the antics of Jay McCray, you know you're in the (frozen) shit. Harry basically said that men in boiler suits had to come and decontaminate the fridge and they were all told to shut their mouths about it! They thought it was the biggest storyline ever and we didn't even get to see it. WTF. That is NOT how you make an entertaining TV show.
Meanwhile, back in the real world we're having to deal with this old poop, still. Bossiest housemates would include Shev and Caroline. Adam as a warden: 'this is why cops are out of control.' Power goes to people's heads, as anyone who remembers Dustin from BBUSA could confirm.
I don't think I'd ever seen Lauren's body before; it looks good, why does she always cover up in hoodies? 'You're not my friend anymore,' reminds me of that Emmy the Great song. Shall I include some relevant references in my blog? Nah! Why change the habit of a lifetime?
Everyone looks a bit over-tanned today, like stewed tea. Caroline, task overreaction much? She's not even got her hand in. This is how men feel sticking their hand down their knickers. Can you imagine what she's like when she gets cum in her hair? Look at Luke, so calm in the face of it all. How can he not be pissing himself? Don't ask, don't tell. She was the perfect person for that task. The more I see her suffer, the better.
I'm surprised Ashleigh's not stirring the pot about Lauren walking round in her undies. Lauren's having one of her moments. LOL at the juxtaposition of almost seeing Lauren's boobs spliced with Conor having a good root up his nose. Oh well, you can't win 'em all. I don't even know what she's upset about. Is it something to do with smoking? It normally is.
They should make housemates 'stand up and not complain' in the middle of the night. Saying 'this absolutely sucks' is complaining. This task is OK because it's pissing the housemates off.
Luke S would make a great security guard. He'd also have gone down well at Auschwitz. He just loves following orders. Stop talking like the unfunniest guy on Facejacker. Give someone a megaphone and they always become a cock; remember that religious dude who used to condemn us all to Hell outside Topshop at Oxford Circus before they gave him an ASBO? He looked a bit like Ian Beale.
Shev should become a puppeteer with those hands. I liked her using up her last bit of hand energy in the DR. Just tie your hands together. Put them in your pockets. Adam, you meanie! I'd throw that orange at him.
Conor's body's not bad; he must have been queuing for that when the brains and manners were being handed out. He actually seemed quite good at that task for the most part and was mildly amusing. I HATE YOU BIG BROTHER. DON'T MAKE ME AMUSED BY CONOR. Oh it's OK, give him 5 minutes and he'll be back on the twat-track. That megaphone thing certainly wouldn't be annoying if you were in there and trying to sleep, would it?
Now, I'm off to a three day conference in the middle of nowhere tomorrow (I know, I love working the weekend!) but I'll try and be a bit of a rapscallion and blog BB if I can get on the net; I managed it in January so it's 50/50. The main thing I'm gutted about is BBUSA starts tonight and I'm not going to get to watch that until Sunday! How rubbish is that?!  
Conor got a reasonable edit tonight so it's pretty obvious they want him to stay; if they got the exterminators in to save Jay McCray's arse, then they'll happily sacrifice Shev and her flappy arms to save this Irish charm-void. I don't think we could stop it now if we tried. We can merely sit back, watch, and despair. See you tomorrow, chocolate teapot-willing. Goodnight.

Wednesday 11 July 2012

Big Brother 13: Shev off

Oh God, I need some sort of Shev muffler. I can't cope with it. She's dig-dig-digging her own grave, and it's a shame, cos I want Conor to go, but even I want to vote for this bitch now. I'm not voting this week though. I mean it this week!
How does Deana keep her cool? Some people are just born mellow I think, or maybe she's just been brought up right.
Good, I'm glad Sara's having a go at Shev now, too. Shev is so patronising. She's always saying people are attacking her; transference! LOL to Luke A just exiting stage left, who can blame him?
'You need to take the level of your voice down': that's fucking rich! I remember her saying a similar thing to Lydia. You're not up for eviction because of Deana; you're up because you're more irritating than Leo Sayer.
Houmous/hummus (I don't know how to spell it, it's gross) doesn't even smell of anything, and it tastes rank.
Deana was talking sense in the DR. She invokes sympathy because people treat her like crap; she can't win either way in the house, but at least she's got the public behind her.
I don't know how you straighten afro hair because I've only got wavy hair and I can't get it straight with GHDs. I think I'm just doing it wrong. Mind you, my hair is bleached so it snaps off when I go at it. Either way; this is filler.
That's weird that Luke A has become more immune to emotion since becoming a man. I'm not sure I'd like to become immune to emotion, but maybe it would be handy sometimes when I'm crying in my car listening to Morrissey.
General knowledge quiz. Come on, Ashleigh. They are doing quite well. Ashleigh thinks the Queen has a Doberman. That's just Prince Phillip. Don't slag off the Royal Family in front of Sara, she'll bitchslap you.
LOL to Conor's 'banter' t-shirt. Should that say 'wanker'? Shocked he got that question right; thought he was thick as pig-shit. I didn't know it.
Conor is shaving the top of his legs. Even I don't shave the top of my legs. Is he using Deana's epilator? It should be in a doggie bag with the police.
I'm finding this episode soooooo boring. Ashleigh complaining she's ugly. Becky doing a Ricky Gervais dance. Can we have a new housemate, please? Can we have an old housemates, please? Can we have a BBUSA?
Why has Ashleigh got her hand up Luke's trousers in front of Scott? If I was in there I'd get a spray tan just cos I'd be bored even though I'm an English rose. What do Adam and Shev get instead? They should get some other beauty treatment. Equal ops.
Adam and Lauren can't pine for Deana that much; they've never really liked her anyway. She's always been an adjunct to their group.
If I was forced to listen to that music in there I'd cry. I know how out of touch I am with modern pop from Song Pop. I don't know my Flo rida from my LMFAO. But neither do I know my metal from my disco. Pick indie rock or 90s alternative and your arse is mine, though.
Are they trying to show Conor's sensitive side tonight? Spare me, please. 21 is too young to get married.
Ashleigh, I don't think you can call yours and Luke's tawdry liasons 'love-making'. It's not even rutting.
I don't care about these people, therefore I don't care about the bitching, neither do I care about the rights or wrongs of any given situation. This makes my blog a bit stymied. I'm not a bad workman blaming my tools; it's just a factoid.
I think Deana is just feeling paranoid about Lauren. I also think Adam is going to tell Lauren this conversation.
When Jamie East et al say this is the best Big Brother ever, I think of Rex, Nikki, Ashleeeeeen, Victor, Marcus and even Brian bloody Belo and laugh. I even pine for Samanda, Helen and Paul, Craig Coates, Maxwell, Science, Derek, even fucking Charley. These people were characters. These people had storylines, story arcs, they weren't just 'he said, she said.' I miss Kinga, Pete, even fucking Ziggy. I miss HORSE FACE GRACE. This year has been the worst year ever, by a mile. There's no arguing with it. And the casting is to blame. I mean, why did anyone put Sara in there? Why?
I don't even know who Deana and Shev are talking about. Setting a gossip trap is hardly worth doing. I read that Paris Hilton makes shit up to tell her friends and then if it gets in the press she drops that friend. Imagine having to live that that. Not so hot, is it?

Tuesday 10 July 2012

Big Brother 13: The worst thing is complete weirdos are staying in

I feel like I'm being tortured by Big Brother and I'm not even on the blue team.
Nommies by greens only. Bring it on (although I know the result, of course). Deana shouldn't even have to nominate Conor for being aggressive; he should have been thrown out on his ear long ago.
Not surprised by Luke S's nominations. Is he allowed to nominate his own side? 'Adam can take his opinions elsewhere'. Where, exactly? He's locked in a house with you.
Scott: 'it's annoying having a trumpet over you every time you speak.' Tell that to Martin Fowler. He's right; Luke S doesn't have a sense of humour. He's missing that chip. Along with an empathy chip. And a brain.
LOL to Conor saying he wants Caroline to win. Talk about backing a donkey.
I love seeing Conor, Caroline and Shev getting a taste of their own medicine. Deana took being up for nomination in a classy manner; they are acting like they're in a lemon-sucking competition.
Becky called Conor 'intimidating.' Is it OK to have someone aggressive and intimidating in the house? Apparently it is. Becky's right; he should have learnt his lesson. He had a chance to turn things around. But he's incapable because he's a horrible person - rotten on the inside and out.
Oh my, why does Scott keep trusting those people to do his hair? Scott's dyed his hair Eminem blonde. Do you think he used Live colour? Why are Luke A and Sara being so shirty with each other?
Have you ever seen anyone so excited to have a cupboard full of Morrissons own brand food?
Scott: 'many a mickle makes a muckle.' Shev: 'never a truer word spoken.' Eh?
Shev looks like hell today. She's going to go on the warpath because she's been nommed now.
Conor: 'the worst thing is complete weirdos are staying in.' Yeah, that's been the worst thing since day one. Now the tide is finally turning. Conor: it's your own fault. And you're STILL discussing nominations. Angrily. Rotten man. He's worse than Hitler. *hyperbole*
Now Caroline's gunning for Luke A? WTF? She's got so many targets I doubt she even knows what side she's on.
LOL to Conor getting in trubs again. What an ignorant pig. Why is Shev going so mad at Deana? Deana's been up three times! Shev: 'there's not a problem.' REALLY? Why have you got such a stick up your arse then? She could end up leaving this week her trap is so out of control. Yeah, Deana, why couldn't you have left this week instead of Arron and kept Shev happy? Selfish bitch.
I feel sorry for Deana trying to talk sense to that idiot. You might as well try and teach French to a Boglin.
Look at the way Conor is talking to Deana! It's disgusting! He's so aggressive! That's not OK AT ALL.
I think you'll find the expression is 'you need to check yourself BEFORE you wreck yourself.', Shev. Look at Deana coming at Shev like a bull out of the china shop. Look at Deana getting angry and aerated. Control yourself, Deana! Shev is being so calm and dignified in comparison.
The show is over? Yes, for you, Shev. Every word is digging your own grave. I wouldn't save either Shev or Conor from a burning house and I mean that wholeheartedly. They are worthless human beings.
'You're a flip-flopper.' You're a knob-jockey. 'Stop looking for emotional comfort.' Yes, that's an awful thing to do. Shev is shit-stirring witch. I'm not surprised she's exhausted, she's been yapping so long she's worn herself out. Well done, you made Deana cry for no reason.
OMG I can't hear Shev's voice anymore. Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap. STFU. Don't you get that Deana is popular with the public and it might be a good idea to give her a break? WEAK gameplay.
Deana deserves to win this after all she's put up with. And I deserve a fucking medal for blogging this misery fest. It's worse than Eastenders. I feel miserable as sin today anyway. That didn't help.

Monday 9 July 2012

Big Brother 13: You put my family in your mouth

Alright! Can we finally put this turf wars shit to bed right now? It's boring as fuck.
LOL to Marcus's 'Shev is still banging on about what Adam said.' What is it with people and their birthday? It doesn't mean everyone has to kiss your feet all day. On my birthday I normally get a manky cake (if I'm lucky) some socks off my mum, and then stay in and drink. I don't expect a telegram from the Queen. Adam's got more class in his finger than Shev in her whole flappy hand.
Shev: 'I'd be on Hollyoaks or Eastenders if I could cry on cue.' Adam: 'I don't know what any of that means.' Ha! Culture clash.
Adam can say what the fuck he likes in the DR so shut your fucking trap, Shev, you absolute turkey. Shev: it's not your birthday anymore. I'm glad you had a shit birthday. I hope you have a shit life, too, because you're shallow and boring and I'm tired of hearing your voice. I thought Adam handled himself just right, to be honest. It's not his fault BB showed them that, or that they picked his clips to watch. They all slag each other off in the DR, that's what it's for.
What is Adam eating out of that tin? Don't throw stuff about Adam, it's beneath you. But hey, at least we know BB thinks that's entirely acceptable so he won't be punished. I really think they've pushed Adam to it anyway; and if that makes me a hypocrite, then I'm a hypocrite. I'm glad he's showing some emotion.
Why is Caroline blowing smoke up Adam's arse? Fake, fake, fake.Sarah seems much more on 'our' side, lately. But I'm still not entirely sure about her.
How thick is Conor outright talking about nominations and no one even stops him? I get D but who's B? Oh, Becky, dur.
Good on Luke A and Lauren for saying they'd throw the task. But some tasks are not that easy to throw. It was funny seeing him so pissed off in the DR. I like his 'it's really great'. I like him tonight.
Conor: haha! That fix - I mean, twist - was great. I can't wait to see the blue team go DOWN! Conor: 'I'm walking out them doors right now.' Good. He's worse that John James for his empty threats. He makes John James look like Pete Bennett.
Morrissons muesli: mmm, mmm. I don't care who's up out of Conor, Shev or Caroline. They're all a bunch of cunts. It's too much to hope that Ashleigh would go, too, because she's too inoffensive, even though her very existence is an affront to common sense. I think Luke S could really benefit from Ashleigh leaving the house; I think it could help him win it.
I like Lauren a lot more now she's come out fighting, too. They're standing up against the arseholes and it's to their credit.
Haha, the blue team's punishment was nothing compared to the green team's.
Conor's not doing an awful lot to redeem himself this week, is he? He's coming across like a fucking dick. Aggressive, surly, nasty, bitter, spoilt, unpleasant. At least Ashleigh's trying to make them join together. Conor's not fake, though. Shame his real self is such an odious oaf. Sulking in the DR like a little boy who didn't get his sweeties - boo woo.
LOL to Conor blaming Caroline for him being bitchy. I don't remember her being around when he made his hairbrush comment, but then we all know Caroline has never even heard of a hairbrush.
Redeem yourself this week, people. I'm guessing Conor will be up, so please, this time, do the right thing. He wants to go. We want him to go. Show him the door, open it, then sling him down the stairs.

Sunday 8 July 2012

Big Brother 13: I'm so mentally above this

Shev's real personality is really coming out now, isn't it? She's a first class cow. I'm glad she's having a shit birthday, because she's a dickhead. Shev: 'I'm too old, I'm so mentally above this.' She isn't mentally above Pingu. 100% unlikeable.
Nice product placement of the Live hair colour there. I thought they had to cover up labels on that show.
I think this breathalyser task is gross. There's no way I would take part in it, it's unhygienic and vile. The thought of getting someone's coffee backwash is utterly revolting. Having to breath the same air as Conor is virtually sexual assault.
Luke S is a tedious fake bore. I can't tell if Lauren is leading Adam on a little bit or if she does like him?
Shev is talking about herself IN THE THIRD PERSON. She did it twice! If you want to go and see your family, you know where the door is. Quoting Beyonce? Fucking hell, is this what it's come to?
Now they're plugging Morrissons bathroom cleaner! What about Jedward's Lidl trolley dash? Maybe that was the final straw.
Deconstruct the fort! Annihilate the castle. Ashleigh: 'what does that mean?'
Why are they humiliating Ashleigh tonight? Luke S's face was a picture. I think they might have to have that 'it's not you, it's me' talk soon.
I wasn't even moved by Shev's birthday message. She didn't even get a call from ASL, she just got two kids singing happy birthday tunelessly. Couldn't they have even videoed them?
What is that blue drink they're drinking in the secret room? Looks like antifreeze.
Not sure what was going on with Scott and Becky's argument there: bad editing. What's up with Scott; he's having a meltdown. BOO WOO.
It's a bit unfair letting the blue team watch these Diary Room moments. Especially all of Adams'! Adam was spot on with everything he said. I loved seeing Shev's indignant reaction. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUCKA.
If someone took Caroline to the DR and told her her whole family had died she's probably giggle like a little kid who'd just smelt a fart.
Shev: 'the viewers can see.' Yes, the viewers CAN see. Through you.
Why is Lauren sitting out with the witches who are all slagging off Adam? How did Adam guess that they watched that video? Luke A just told Adam what was said! I thought what happened in the secret room stayed in the secret room? Uh oh, could be punishment afoot.
Now they're advertising Gliss shampoo. Gliss shampoo is shit and costs about a quid.
Bit annoyed they stitched up Adam like that. Adam's my current favourite in the house. So he's clearly doomed. Or is he?

Big Brother 13: I can't control my feelings when I'm this fat

So now I've had time to think about the maddening result of last night, I think maybe it was the right result - because now we get to see Conor weak, vulnerable and generally shitting himself. My only concern is the idiot house will fall for his for 'poor little me' routine and decide to give him a week off the hook. But a week to stew on his fallen empire might be good viewing.
Nice to see Arron acting like an irredeemable little prick on his last day. No reedeeming features whatsoever. As for that whitewash on BOTS where he'd obviously been primed to act contrite and agree with everything Emma said; do they think we were born yesterday? As an aside, the way Emma handled BOTS yesterday was appalling. She is dying on here arse on the show. She is towing the partyline so hard and constantly apologising for the producers lack of morals. I'd love to know what she really thinks, but I have zero respect for her at now. Cut the stupid sketches and all the flim flam and let's have some fucking honestly.
Look at the way Arron talks to Becky compared to how he talks to Luke S. I am so glad he's left. It's just a shame he didn't take gubbins with him.
Luke's lost his protein shake! Boo woo, as Scott would say, ridiculously.
I don't like what Adam did to Arron particularly, but at the the same time, at least he's making a stand and coming down off that fence at last. What was that Adam threw over him? Arron is mad! He had the worst two days in the house ever. All these 'pranks' are so fucking TEDIOUS. Can someone talk about something INTERESTING?
Don't worry Arron about where you're going to sleep tonight; it's in a Travelodge.
Arron 'you're bullying me! I'm intimidated by you.' to Adam. BOO WOO. So true he can dish it out but can't take it. Intimidated, my arse.
Lauren thinks Arron is HILARIOUS. Caroline thinks Arron's BRILLIANT. I pity them if that's their idea of a decent person. As predicted Lauren switched to the knobend side of the house. She's just a weak, weak person.
Is Becky having a chocolate sandwich? Vom. Caroline, 'why can't I get a boyfriend?' Er... where do we start? You're hideous to look at, rotten inside, nasty, evil, cruel, unsympathetic, ungrateful, spoilt and extremely insecure. So good luck with that.
Not enough camera action on Arron and Conor's face when Deana and Becky were saved. It's not a 'fucking fix' Arron, you're just despised, more despised than a violent thug, so that's quite something.
The agressive reaction by Conor and Arron when he got evicted was disgraceful. When will they throw that disgusting pig out? What does he have to do - stab someone? I'd be frightened to live with him.
Deana's victory dance was brilliant - so deserved.
Conor crying up the corner is mega lols. Just fuck off home if you're so sad. Luke S's little pep talk was quite sweet, really.
It's disgusting Caroline saying Sara couldn't be happy when Deana was saved. Like she wouldn't be gloating if it was one of her team saved. Sara is being a bit of a whingebag about this, though.
Conor is so thick; still slagging off Deana when it's obviously the public love her. Wake up, idiot box. Conor still has no clue what he did to Deana, does he? He has all the self-awareness of a pair of slippers.
Caroline: 'Luke A is the bitchiest housemate hands down.' DELUDED. Caroline, being fat is not the thing you should be worried about. Buying a pair of GHDs and some intensive counselling might be a good start.
Rather too much emphasis on Caroline and Sara in the last quarter of an hour... we could really have done with seeing more of Conor digging his own grave and bawling. We've earnt it.