Big Brother 13: David Dimblebully

So WTF happened with the White Room yesterday? Wasn't there meant to be some live twist on BOTS? That was the weirdest BOTS ever; cobbled together crap (and I mean more so than usual). Paul Ross is always a a treat, though. So I read on Digital Spy they were gonna give one of them 25K but couldn't risk giving it to Conor because of his racist family's Facebook page. I don't know if that's true though, but we didn't get the show that was billed last night. And I don't trust BB producers as far as I can throw them.
So far the white room has been a damp squib. It's like a toothpaste commercial. What's the difference between the white room and the rest of the house? Just the wallpaper.
There's not much suspense as we already know Sara walked, as we knew the second she arrived.
I just wouldn't even bother showering if it was cold. I could go three days without. Sara's make-up thing is tedious. Who cares about her white face? She has no stamina. She doesn't deserve to win.
God, this series of Big Brother is depressing. And I've got tomorrow off and I'm drunk. And it's still depressing. Walk, Becky, walk. Walk away. Power walk. There's the door. Go seek out your mint banter.
£5 for a whole chicken is quite dear, especially from Morrissons, you can get three cruel battery bleached ones for a tenner.
I love the word 'cahoots'! Oh Deana, shut up. Stop moaning, FFS. They're all humourless pricks. Hold on, where is Scott? He's the only funny person in that house. I don't like 'agreeing to disagree.' I prefer to disagree, loudly.
So Lauren was a chav and Scabby isn't? They don't even have chavs in Jersey. Don't say you hate chavs, Scabby, as they're the only people voting for you. I hate the word chav. It's just classist bollocks.
Who would trust Becky to cut their hair? Scott looks best with his Eminem cut. Anyway, filler. Is Scott allowed to say 'soldier' without getting into trouble with the scum alliance?
If I was in the white room I'd try and think of as many songs as I could with the word white in the title. We just thought of about 20.
Anyone who fancies Prince Harry is blind. End of conversation. How does Scott know about the Queen's sleeping arrangements? Why are they ALWAYS going on about the Queen on Big Brother? Fucking illuminati BULLSHIT. Rodrigo I could tolerate but not this crap. I could go a whole year without ever mentioning that dried up old bitch. Why are these supposed young people so obsessed with her?
Conor is brushing his teeth with shower gel. Hope it's anthrax flavoured; that's white, isn't it?
If Becky says LITERALLY one more time I'm LITERALLY going to eat the rest of these fruit pastilles I have sitting here. Nom.
Most of the boys Ashleigh knows can't get it up? Oh, no, sorry, I think she said most old people can't stand up. Nice.
This dancing task is actually quite good and at least amusing. LOL to Adam's dancing. This task is hard! I can't believe Conor got that! How does Luke A know the dance routine to Love Machine?!
Jump around! 'I'll serve it up like John MCEnroe, if the bitch steps up I'm smacking the ho.' Conor will like that song as it's about VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN.
Deana's was hard! LOL to Becky doing the Beyonce move! That was the funniest thing she'd ever done in the house.
Scott should know his Kylie. Conor is a bit disproportionately angry about this. Mind you, it's a bit out of character, as he's normally such a polite chap. That task was good. We just did three or four Morrissey song mimes to celebrate. I did November Spawned a Monster, obv.
I think Sara's got moany-itis. She's not exactly Damien Echols in solitary confinement; just press the button and leave, you muppet. Mind you, at least Damien Echols didn't have to put up with Conor.
Luke S just made me laugh by answering the phone and going 'the Bucket residence.' Yes, I said it. Luke S just made me laugh. PRESS THE FUCKING BUTTON, SARA, YOU DICK. Is her button broke? She's just worried about vanity. It's not a torture camp.
I'm LITERALLY bored out of my BRAIN. Oh the tension. Who will leave the room? I literally can't guess. So they forced her to stay in that room to do that fake bit of tension? Pathetic. Conor and Luke S must be thrilled Sara's leaving. Annoying bint.
At least Scott's calling it like he sees it. I think he almost did a 'boo woo'. That was such a load of gash. I hope whoever invented this task has been fired. I hope Luke S and Conor stay in there forever and they throw away the key. Conor's doing a bit of gameplay here, saying he needs it more.
This onion cutting up task reminds me of the Beavis and Butthead I watched the other day when Butthead started crying cos he got a bit of onion in his hotdog. That was about 5000% more entertaining than this. It was literally just one joke: 'you were crying - you were moved'. Brilliant. It's making me cry with laughter just thinking about it. I AM drunk.
Sara watches Question Time every week! How come she's so thick? I hate people who are cagey about who they vote for *obviously a Tory*. HAHAHAHA then she admitted it! Her votes are going out the window. Sara is so stupid. LOL, why is she being so touchy about it? Politics fail. She won't give us one reason why she voted for them. Deana won that one. Even Ashleigh mucked in! Amazing. I'd love to have heard her whole hour long politics rant where she specified no particular policy she was interested in.
Well done Sara for using your vote so wisely. I'll be using my vote wisely this week, too. Is she drunk? What paper do you think Sara reads?
Ha, are they going to turn around and blame this on Deana now? For realz? Cos she called you out because you've got nothing to back up your argument? How did you vote: ip, dip, doo? Did you use a crayon?  'Tell me one thing about why you voted Tory' is a FAIR QUESTION. OMG! The injustice. Even Scott is joining in with the witch hunt.
My boyfriend person saying a Scottish person voting Tory is as bad as admitting you're a paedophile. Any questions?

Big Brother 13: Pulling a whitey

Sorry I'm late, was waiting for my drunken partner to return, and he returned a little later than anticipated. And he ticked the 'boo' box on my blog last night. Well, he needs a 'boo woo' box especially for him. BOO WOO. Anyway.
"You can wear you new white shoes in the muddy afternoon," sang Conor Oberst, on one of his loveliest and most underrated solo songs. Meanwhile, back in the land of living hell, Luke S, Conor and Sara, already whining about quitting as she walks in the door to the white room, enter the much hyped white room task, which they couldn't even bother to fix to get one 'outsider' in there so anyone gave a shit. Dur.
I live on white food anyway, so I'd be alright.
I listened to all three hours of the interview with Tom from last year on the Big Brother Gossip show (search on Itunes, I don't want to link cos I don't want to spoilerise BBUSA for myself) at work today. God, he goes on a lot. It was still quite interesting though; like how he wasn't allowed to speak to his family much when they let him out for his granddad's funeral and stuff and all the bits they cut out and stuff.
Becky LITERALLY this and LITERALLY that. Shut it! I wish you weren't there either. Oh Luke A, stop moaning, you're getting on my wick. Have faith in yourself. What sort of soldier are you? A tin one!
They should play some Basshunter in the white room. Eww, eating in the bath.
Oh Deana, stop going on about being fat. It doesn't win you girl votes.
Is Luke kissing Ashleigh's herpes-covered mouth? Romance isn't dead between these two; pasta, spots, cum-rags, it really is love's young dream.
War is a serious matter; the 'soldier' rubbish isn't. Fuck off, Luke, prawny. Is this show extra long tonight? It's extra boring so far.
HORROR CORRIDOR. I wish whoever walked down it would get evaporated. Corridors of glower. I wish there was a secret house in that white corridor, full of the housemates we deserved instead of this rabble.
Scott is a fool for dropping out of the task so eagerly. I think he thinks the public doesn't like him and he doesn't want to win that way. I would like this task 100% more if Scott was in it. I couldn't care less who wins out of Luke S, Conor or Sara.  I hope the white drink they have to drink is spunk.
What's up with Sara? Pull yourself together. It's like 'I survived beyond and back' in that white room. Her lipstick looks good, though. The white room is flattering to the complexion, like the Apprentice boardroom. It reminds me of that Shattered show that Dermot did where they couldn't sleep and all started hallucinating.
I do understand what Luke A is saying about 'I want to be saved legit' but I think he's still seething.
Conor wants to 'give something back.' I hope it's the money if he wins to Refuge. Sara is really bugging me with her quitty attitude. Where's the Deana-style girl power?
Adam looks all young and cheeky when they flash his face up in between sections. That house has dragged him down.
Luke and Scabby are not going to get a flat together. What do you miss about Luke S, Ashleigh? Is it his sparkling wit or his modesty?
Even when Conor's giving someone a pep talk he's argumentative. He's trying to psych them out to leave.
LOL to Deana being expelled from four schools. What for?!
Scott: 'I don't want to be Luke S.' I don't think even Luke S does anymore.
I don't find Ashleigh very domineering. I just find her quite irritating. Wait until Ashleigh sees the photos of Lauren in Nuts magazine; she'll be seething. No one's going to want to see her scabby old bits.
I like the fact Sara is staying in the white room purely for the undies. Can't she just press Luke S's button for him? It's like the bullshit button on Richplanet.net. Do they think we were born yesterday?
Luke looks like the gayest stormtrooper on the Death Star.
What luxuries are they going to get in the white room: cocaine and milkybars? Conor looks like Friar Tuck today. He's being a dick. Who cares about a massage? He's being so childish!
They've very excited about ice cream and marshmallow. Imagine how excited they'd be if they really got cocaine?
Who cares if Sara said she likes stripping? She just said it to get in the house. Luke A and Adam are imaginingthat very scenario.
Ashleigh calling Deana 'a horrible piece of work' and Becky calling her 'disgusting.' Keep talking! Keep digging your jealous little hole, Danielle Lloyd and Jade. Keep dialling, nation.
LOL to 'men want to be me, men want to be with me.' Robot rock! I like it when Deana takes the mickey.
That white room is like an asylum. Are they even going to turn the lights off at night?
Deana's skin isn't looking so hot at the moment, either. I think it's that house, it can't be good having that air con on you, all the time.
White fact fans: In Malice in Wonderland, Danny Dyer plays the white rabbit character called 'Whitey'. Superhans and Dennis Pennis also star. That film rocks.

Big Brother 13: I need to take a paracetemol

If it's not love, then it's the nom-bombs that will bring us together. Friends and family nominations! So why is Conor not up?  Their TVs' broken or what? Remember that time he said he wanted to rape and punch Deana? Remember? Remember? Remember? I'm SURE Brian won't in Conor's eviction interview, especially if he wins the bloody thing.
Deana on Luke A: 'the kiss on his arm is his on off button.' Switch it off, then. I think most people would rather kiss Luke S than Ashleigh.
I'm glad Conor's getting his choice to nominate taken from him. Luke's got his prawn top on again.
The faces were interesting when they found out the friends and family were nominating' who looked excited and who didn't.
LOL to Sara's mum accusing Becky of 'actressing'. That was definitely a personal vote, not a vote for Sara's. Paracete-lols. Hilarious. 'Someone needs to hoover in here by the way.' Gross. Sara's mum would have made a better housemate than Sara. She's said more interesting things in two minutes than Sara's said in the whole series. Weird votes. Senseless tactics. But entertaining.
Adam's mum's English! Why is she wasting votes on Becky and Ashleigh; she should have gone for Conor and Luke S.
Ashleigh's coldsores are ick, and she's a barefaced liar.
Deana's friend DEFINITELY was not allowed to mention epilator-gate. She should have been much harder on him - 'he's not making much effort' - please.
Conor's girlfriend looks too nice for him. How can she stand up for that thing? How come she can mention the fact Deana, Adam and Luke call themselves 'soldiers' but Deana's friend isn't allowed to mention epilator gate? She shouldn't be allowed to mention things like that, or stuff to do with Luke A or Adam if she's not nominating them. Oh, she is nominating Luke A. What 'tricks' is Luke A playing? I hate the way these nominations will be cast as stone-cold facts now, even when they're not, they're just opinions by idiots.
Scott's sister looks kind of cool. Why is she nominating Deana? Luke A is eyeing up Scott's 17 year old sister. Why is Scott's sister nominating Becky as well? How come Scott's sister talks normally? How come Scott's sister is not nominating to benefit Scott's game? It shouldn't be personal nominations; why have they got no tactics?
Becky's sister is a complete bitch like her. She shouldn't be allowed to quote Luke verbatim. The BMI comment is perfectly valid. Becky DOES have no respect for her BMI. Why is Conor laughing?! My boyfriend said 'I'd be proud to hear someone quote me say that.'
I'm pissed off about them all mentioning 'soldier' gate because Deana has been through HELL in that house. Where's the mention of the FUCKING EPILATOR? Cunts! It's totally unfair.
Would have been funny if Luke S's mum had nominated Ashleigh. Adam is not SPITEFUL.
Ashleigh gets her looks from her dad, I see, fucking butt ugly. Thicko with thick nominations. I have been dragged down by these people; dragged down to their level, so I know how Luke A feels.
Luke A shouldn't say he needs 'work on' things because of stuff that people who've spawned children who don't know what an egg or a Nazi is say.
Luke's wife was right to nominate Ashleigh for her being a tattletale.
Why is Luke A sweating so much? He's done nothing wrong. Why would you let other people's opinions affect you so much when you know you're in the right?
Time for Becky to milk Luke S's comments. LUKE S WAS SPOT ON! You don't have any respect for yourself or your weight, you admitted yesterday you had a pile of food hidden under your bed.
The prawn is thrilled because no one nominated him. Yes, the public see this, Ashleigh. They see through YOU. The 'soldiers' thing is a sign of solidarity, an understanding amongst friends.
FUCK OFF BECKY YOU FAT FUCKING THICK FUCK! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! Seriously, I want her to go over Ashleigh. She's just an attention-seeking missle.
Stick to your guns, Luke A. Don't apologise to her. All those insiders do is slag off the outsiders 24/7 and none of them EVER apologise, they just haven't been caught out, so why the hell should Luke have to go crawling round to her as if she's Queen of the fucking house? Fuck her.
I don't even know why Luke A feels so bad. They've said a million times worse, it's just the friends and family weren't allowed to quote it, because it's such an inside job, such a stitch up. Becky IS enjoying every minute, and don't forget that for a second. She's been waiting for this moment to play the victim.
Now my boyfriend is mad at me because he said what Luke A said was disgusting, (contradicting what he said earlier) and I shouted at him, but it wasn't, it was bitchy, but it wasn't that bad, and it's not fair, it's not an even playing field. Luke A is a good person, and Becky is NOT and I can't help getting angry about it and I can't help getting passionate about it.
Luke A IS milking it, though. Don't get me wrong. Argh... I just hate this whole thing, I just hate the injustice of it, it's just so unfair the way the whole thing is so rigged. Once again Conor floats under the radar. 
Ashleigh and Becky really think they're going to walk this eviction. But they're not and I can't wait to see their faces. I don't blame Sara for being confused about her mum's nominations. Her mum nominated selfishly, basically, not for her daughter's benefit. Don't worry about it, Scott.
Uh oh, Deana's drunk. She's making a good point, though. That's what I like about Deana. She doesn't go back on her word because of something someone says; she's always true to herself, in the face of extreme opposition. LOL her impression of Ashleigh was ridiculous but funny.
I think it's a bit (and I hate this word) inappropriate of Sara to say 'I think you're a very attractive guy and I'll be even happier when you get a dick.'
It's not even worth commenting on the shit coming out of Ashleigh's mouth.
Luke A DOES need to stop over-analysing. Just trust that the public aren't stupid. I mean; the public ARE stupid. But they're not THAT stupid. Right?
Oh, save the waterworks, Becky. You wouldn't comment on Luke A's appearance because you'd be thrown out for a hate crime. I hate the insiders taking the piss out of the soldiers thing; because they have NOT had to battle. They have sailed through, wrecking the show along the way. And it's wrong. It's just wrong.

Big Brother 13: I don't even know what morality means

Confession task. My boyfriend thinks Conor is going to confess about hairbrush/epilator gate tonight. Is he fuck!
My boyfriend then just fell asleep at the exact second the opening music to BB began. Everyone's a critic.
LOL to Luke S making excuses about why he stepped down from the task. Bitter little men. Love Luke A saying 'it was more stubbornness than endurance.' It was, and it was ace. He deserves that personal victory. Luke A is very competitive. I think his stamina shows a strength of character that could be in a winner. I can't decide who I want to win out of Luke A, Deana and Adam now. I liked the side of Deana I saw last night but she does flip flop quite a lot. I like it when she's smiling and having fun; it's shame she got stuck in that house with such a bunch of douches. I think I still like Adam the best. He's been the coolest.
Why is Deana suddenly suspicious of Adam? He just said he'd miss her when she'd gone. I think she does get quite paranoid at time. But even I wasn't that convinced with Adam's reassurance of Deana!
This confession task looks quite funny. Adam's admitting to being leery. Conor admits he's been angry, but he's reformed. LOL has BB had a word in his ear? Oh no, he's ashamed of shaving his pubes. Well, I suppose an epilator was involved somehow.
Luke is embarrassed about 'Barbell media'. So he should be. Becky hides food under her bed; groo. There was a bird cheeping under my bed (that my cat had been torturing) the other day and I had to save it's life. THAT was hardcore.
Is Ashleigh too thick to understand what Luke's telling her? It's literally in one ear and out the other, isn't it?
Interesting that Luke A admits to wanking; I do wonder about if that would be quite conflicting when you've not got the 'bits' you'd like to have. I am completely ignorant about that, so it was interesting to hear, and I'd like to know more about that.
What is that jacket Ashleigh's wearing? It looks like a fucking bin bag. 
I want a cuddle off Adam. I reckon he gives good cuds. Scott's getting desperate; he even fancies Adam now. It's EASY to cook a roast. I don't get involved in that leg business, though. I'm breast only.
My boyfriend is asleep with his eyes open now. It's a bit scary!
I wouldn't want a massage off Conor. I wouldn't want him within 100 miles of me, restraining order, please. I like his technique: 'shut up and relax.' Watching him touch Deana's hand made my skin crawl. I've lost interest in this task. They should have shown the confessions on the big screen.
Don't worry about nominating, Conor, because your feral family will be doing it instead. Let me guess who they'll nominate... er...? Deana?

Big Brother 13: Does it come with Freeview?

Scott seems to really be missing Caroline, doesn't he? Ah, and he's slagging off Luke S, too, that's cool. So he says he likes Luke A and Adam but he's sitting on fence still. Could he be the swing vote now Sara's had her ill-judged meltdown?
Scott, Sara and Ashleigh are discussing the economic crisis. Ashleigh doesn't like kids popping out babies as it 'takes her taxes'. What job does she do, again? I doubt if she could operate an electronic toothbrush. Sara's having another attention-seek cry. I get the feeling this girl cries at everything; from Hollyoaks to a picture of a cute puppy.
Ashleigh doesn't care about getting boos. She doesn't care, right? She don't give two flying fucks. Conor: 'I've been saved four times.' Yes, by your extended family, I presume, unless they're letting rapists vote from prison now.
Loving Adam getting to choose the prizes for the competition; especially giving Ashleigh a toilet brush. I love endurance tasks! Giving Conor the spa day was one in the eye too; enjoy your massage, prick.
These endurance tasks are all about ego, or about whether you need a wee or not. I have quite a weak bladder so I could probably only last three hours (about as long as I last at a gig - I have a strict 'no drink, get near the front' policy).
Who's to come off first? My £ is on Becky. Why is Sara doing it in her bikini? She'll be cold later.
Luke was being supportive to Ashleigh; telling her to get off the box. What a prick. Are they arguing as a tactic to annoy the others? Ah, I win my bet. Becky toppled off. All the weak-willed ones quit first.
LOL to Adam trying to psych Conor out. Conor is on the hop. Adam's got him in one spot and he's tearing a strip off him; I love it! Where's Luke A's spine gone? Why has he turned his back on the conversation?
Adam:  'you have no compassion, care.' Conor had no response to that. Wise words from Adam there.
Oh come on, Ashleigh, no one buying your faux DR apology. If you know you're a decent person, why the boos even bother you? I'd laugh at the boos. I know I rub people up the wrong way; when people slag me off on my blog I think it's funny. Don't you understand yourself at all? You're not getting booed for the way you treat Luke S, you're getting booed because you're vile inside and out, and the only thing that ever comes out of your mouth is bile or idiocy.
Do they know Adam picked the prizes? They don't, do they? Adam looks like he's wearing a swimming cossie. There's more at stake here than the prizes on the wall, isn't there?
Why is Adam being sexist about Deana? Girls can stand up just as well as men can. We got feet and legs too, don't we?
No wonder Becky's so fat if that's what she orders for takeaway. Fuck I'm really hungry and there's nothing to eat in my house. I just ate a bag of gummy bears, and I've got a two packs of micro chips - it's hardly a nutritious diet, is it?
Looks like Becky's imaginary food order worked. Someone's going to crack over the Chinese. I hate Chinese, so wouldn't be bothered. I wouldn't even want to smell it.
Is it dangerous not to go wee-wee for 6 hours? I think Luke has twigged it's for immunity.
Good on Deana for giving the boys a run for her money. Luke A: it's a shitty song anyway.' as they try and temp them off the boxes with some turkey-shit pop music.
Endurance tasks are good because they show who's got fighting spirit, who's got determination and who wants it the most. Where did Luke get his poncho from?
Deana has never looked cuter than in that onesie, having a laugh on that box.  She just seems joyous and buoyant, like she's living again.
Scott's got back-envy. He's got a fragile back. I'm not a predator - speak for yourself.
12 hours, man! That's impressive. How have they all changed clothes?! I can think of something Luke S is going to lose: BIG BROTHER.
Conor: 'where's the pride in standing on a box for 12 hours?' It's called determination, you prat. It's called focus. It's called WINNING.
LOL Luke S jumped off because he was hungry. Tired, more like. Props to Luke A, so determined to beat Luke S that he got off a second later. Shame on Deana for quitting! She put on a good show though. Good on you, girl.
Adam should have gone for the £1000 - isn't that more than the TV's worth?
Oh, they did save them some food. Good. Liked Adam's 'much respect', too. Actually a feel-good episode for once. SHOCKER. I hope Adam gets immunity this week. He deserves it.

Big Brother 13: I beat Bono in an arm wrestle

Well, we learnt two things after the main show last night. Caroline is actually unstable - her performance on BOTS was quite disturbing and I suggest she seeks help. And Sara is an annoying droning idiot, as suspected, but confirmed on the evil feed. Deana replied to her diatribe of complete nonsense with utter class. I also enjoyed seeing Adam and Luke just joshing around and getting scared of a moth; it was just very sweet and natural whilst the others were all just stirring their cauldrons of cack. It just underlined that they are both decent blokes and I'm so glad they've got each other in there.
I'm so looking forward to not having to look at Caroline looking like she's got dressed out of the lost property box at school anymore.
Do Ashleigh, Luke, Conor and Becky ever have ANYTHING nice to say about anyone? I pity them; thick as pig shit and rotten to the core.
Scott is floating from side to side quite well, like Sara, at the moment. I hope he makes it to the final.
Conor must be the oldest looking 25-year-old on the planet. This task seems quite funny though. His river dance and Bono lies were actually quite amusing and quite creative. That was the cleverest thing he's done in the whole house.Conor is moaning cos Luke A and Adam haven't wished him happy birthday. Boo woo.
Ashleigh: 'Am I naturally good looking?' Err... Conor on beauty queen Deana: 'Deana's disgusting.' 'Sara's not disgusting.' There's faint praise. May I suggest a trip to Specsavers?
Sara slagging off Caroline for looking like a dog's dinner. Sweet. Sara's mad because Deana paid Caroline a compliment. What the fuck is up Sara's arse? Why is she always trying to catch Deana out? BFF's I don't think. Sara's really gone down in my estimation and she barely went up in it once, anyway. Fake, flip-flopper, boring, stupid. Get to fuck.
Conor plus football = a maelstrom of misogyny.
Luke A's face when the soldiers got saved was lovely. Pure joy. What has Luke S come as, he looks like he's off boating.
Seeing Luke S sweating was very rewarding. He looks like he's been through the wars and back. I'm surprised that the people who voted to save Ashleigh can even operate a phone.
Becky stop running your mouth. You can't work out why Caroline's gone? Div.
I'm glad they kept Luke's moth moment in the highlights, it was cute.
Ashleigh biting her nails - she looks like she's under pressure. But she 'couldn't give two flying fucks.' Never mind, then.
Scott is reassessing his game plan. Be interesting to see who he nominates this week.
I hate Becky in a particularly unique way because of just how wrong she is about everything.
Is Sara cracking onto Luke A? So the cut out that whole bit where she was berating Sara on the live feed for half an hour. EDITINGZ. Groo.

Big Brother 13: Tobler-gone

Forget that fake alien invasion on BBC1, the 'party' is right here on ITV. Caroline doing her hair! That ship has long sailed. Can you think of one person in Britain with worse hair than Caroline? She even makes Conor's hair look civilised.
I can't BELIEVE Caroline is doing a Harry. If you're going to do a master prank, invent your own. And don't inflame the smokers. Do not upset smokers. They will kill you. Ask Nadia.
Caroline: see you later. 'Why would someone spend money on garlic?' Caroline, it's one thing ordering 50 bars of chocolate, but Fruit and Nut? No one can even eat that! It's like ordering chocolate with grit in it. I used to like that advert with the singing chocolate bar in, though. Sexy. Put a pair of eyelashes on a chocolate bar and it instantly becomes fuckable... right?
She should have ordered Winalot instead. They're all going to be high off sugar at least. She must be pretty sure she's going. She didn't even get a 'did you say 500 Nutellas...' A PALE IMITATION. The squeakquel to Harry's Alvin.
How come Sara is the only one getting a cheer? She's floated her way to this week! It's the first time she's even opened her mouth. Is it a double eviction? I can't work it out.
I just turned over to the Olympics 'thing'. Pyramids everywhere! Illuminati times. Where's Begbie? Is this Abraham Lincoln Vampire Killer? It's like Mary Poppins or something. Are people paying to watch this crud? Are we having to go through the history of the entire UK? ZZZ. This is worse than Cirque du Soleil and that's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
She got some good chocs there, Milkybar, Aero. You know she's just trying to make Luke A and Adam kick off, don't you? You can tell Caroline's never lived in a violent household. I'd be shitting myself.
Why is Luke S defending Caroline?! Why does Conor think it's funny, doesn't he like food?
Caroline: 'I don't think we have enough Whole Nut.' Whole Nut is worse than Fruit Nut. Whole Nut is unforgivable. I'd chuck that chocolate in the pool, or melt it and cover her clothes with it.
Nut-hell-urgh. Adam, don't rise to it! Don't let her beat you. 'Absolutely fucking pathetic.' Ah, memories of Marcus. I wouldn't do that to smokers. Smokers be crazy. Caroline is achieving her objective because she's making Luke A and Adam lose it. Wow, Adam is REALLY upset. I think he's going to rip her head off.
Here we go! Caroline does look fat. Must be the chocolate. Conor is twitching. The soldiers are safe. All the goodies safe. OMG, Caroline is so annoying. I hope someone throws a brick at her when she comes out. All the baddies got booed. The writing is now on the wall. Luke S and Conor must be shitting it. Like A: 'I might have some chocolate.' Nice. Diabet-heave.
Sara has not had to fight, so she doesn't deserve to win, IMO. It's too late to float through and then start speaking up now. They're singing God Save the Queen on BBC1 now. Quick, kick Sara out, she's missing it. I've seen more astroturf in the Big Brother garden. The Queen looks THRILLED. Fucking THRILLED. What a LOVELY WOMAN. She looked like she'd just stepped in some dogshit. What time is the alien invasion on? This is like all the worst bits of Eurovision. I'm glad I'm only watching 3 minutes of this at a time.
So it's not a double eviction, they're just dragging this shit out (we're back to Big Brother, not that other crap). Mad-am. Adam, keep cool, or you're going to get a warning. It's not gangland times anymore. Why has no one slagged Caroline off for being a copycat, too? Caroline is so up for eviction next week if she doesn't go out tonight.
'It's a joke.' Is it just mint banter? It's not a joke, you're just trying to bug everyone. Don't they need some multivitamins or something? What would Vinnie Jones make of this? I don't think he'd be happy.
She didn't even get any CRISPS. I could live on crisps for a week. I DO live on crisps for a week. What, BB is giving them tobacco?! Ugh, Caroline bought Milka, too. I don't like Milka. She hasn't even got good taste in chocolate. Where's the chocolate orange?
Fag gate! I think Adam and Luke A have a point about the fags, but they don't own the fags. Is Luke A enjoying that fag? Ratty's getting annoyed. Stub her out.Ashleigh: 'just you wait.' Luke A: 'what you going to do, get Luke S?' LOL. Adam knows prison ways. Fags are like currency in there.
OMG Ashleigh is safe. How?! And Conor! Ugh! It's got to be Caroline going. It can't be Luke S going, can it? But then who would vote to save him? Caroline is doing some serious controller's leg there. Luke S looks properly gutted. Apparently it's in 'no particular order' so interesting they saved the outsiders first, perhaps the producers are trying to redress the balance somehow. I can't believe they're still trying to rinse money out of this thing! Save Caroline! Or don't. I'm not sure?! It should have been Conor or Ashleigh, Luke S and Caroline provide more exitainmentz. Why don't they leave Conor in the bottom 2 sweating? Luke S is unraveling. He looks sooooo upset.

I just turned BBC1 on and Mr Bean is on. Are we that hard up?
I think the outsiders have the numbers now Sara's jumped ship. But don't forget what Sara did! I won't forgive her for her Benedict hate and the Queen love.
As usual Conor's got a stooge to do his dirty work for him, just like he did with Arron with chocolate gate. So did they give Ashleigh a fag in the end, or what? I think Caroline might be the ugliest thing on the planet, inside and out. Adam is sharing the tobacco. Cos he's been told to. Rizla-kicks.
I thought Scott had a pair of hair straighteners in the bath with him then. No such luck. Conor just jumped in. It's not as good as Jedward bathtimes, is it?
Deana is playing it quite cool at the moment. Luke A and Adam are crumbling right now and she's keeping her head down.
Luke S was so sure Ashleigh would leave before him, it would be worth seeing him leave.
Is Adam about to do an armed robbery? What's with the stocking? May I recommend an assault? I hate all this 'being myself' talk. Zzzz.
Caroline: 'people are very spoilt.' LOLZ. You have got to laugh. You really have.
BBC1 check: John Lydon. Is the Queen smiling at that bit? Are we having an acid house bit now? Not even some MDMA could cheer this horrorshow up. Some MK Ultra, maybe. Someone just said the words 'graphic equaliser.' Very modern. Are we celebrating rave? What about when they tried to shut them all down? LAGER LAGER LAGER. It's just all songs from fucking Trainspotting! I love Dizzee Rascal, he's gloriously joyful and stupid. I'd like to see him on Celeb BB.
OK back to BB. It's Crunchie time! You've missed a trick there, Brian.
Fucking hell, Caroline looks so dumpy. You've gone as Mars Bar as you can go. Be-twixed and between.
Adam and Luke A not even saying goodbye to her. Can't really blame them. Arron didn't say goodbye to anyone. This game really can turn on a Dime-bar. Shall I stop with the chocolate puns now?
Why has she come out with a hairbrush? Is it to rape someone with? Perhaps BB told her to confiscate it from Conor.
I'm surprised Ashleigh got more votes than Caroline. Who voted for her?! On BBC1, David Beckham is driving a pink glowing speedboat. 
I hope Caroline gets booed throughout her interview like Lydia did. Caroline's gone hysterical - she's turned into Ashleigh. Off, off, off, off, off!
Caroline: 'I have no redeeming qualities.' Why not try nurturing some? Brian's getting pissed off with her. Do you think anyone's ever had sex with Caroline? I don't.
Caroline looks like hell. What are those shoes? She looks like Miss Haversham. Brian actually just told her she 'overstepped the mark.' Well done, Brian, you spoke sense for once.
Caro-whine. They are giving her quite a bad edit. She did do some lols. One or two. She's not being contrite. Wait til she's on BOTS. Then she'll be contrite, after she's been given a session with the tell-off man.
I've never seen Brian be this hard on anyone! Mind you, whatevs. There's one thing Caroline's not good at: brushing her hair and integrating into society. Oh, that's two.
Are people still wearing ponchos? Ponchos are worse than onesies. Ghastly.
Why is Caroline referring to herself in the third person? Why is Brian telling us who's popular? He's been WELL nasty to her. I mean, I can't blame him. But where's the rhyme or reason?
Hilarious bit of live feed at the end with Sara telling them about a bunch of people beating the shit out of a terrorist. 'It would only happen in Scotland.' And on that note, goodbye. I aint blogging that live feed. I'm going to watch Breaking Bad. Enjoy the Olymp-dicks.

Big Brother 13: I forgot about Arron

Adam's naked arse! Happy new year. That's literally all I have to say about the first quarter.
The Loch Ness monster is not a snake. It's not even a hand puppet. How can Scott deny something Sara's seen with her own eyes? I've been to Egypt. But the less said about that the better.
Sara's suddenly flipped. Caroline is still in her McDonalds/pyramid reverie. They're both as stupid as each other. OMG Caroline is annoying me SO MUCH. Someone. help. me.
I love the fact that probably the only book Luke S has ever read is 'The Game' - a book about how to trick girls into fancying you. His idol is probably Mystery and his furry hats. He got a pretty slow handclap after his speech.
To be fair, Scott got an easier subject to debate, so the task is a bit unfair. Although Scott isn't really 'himself', as such, is he?
I want to see Ashleigh do a debate. Or just string a sentence together. I think I hate everyone today, even Adam and Luke S. I think I like Sara sometimes. Then I come to my senses.
This office task is like a cut-price BBUSA task. Except BBUSA is good. As usual, I have no idea what's going on. I'm not sure if it's not my fault for not paying attention, or the producers for not explaining well.
Luke S summed up purely by a drawing of a cock and balls. Nuff said. So Deana was cheating, but only to pass the task for Sara. This task is stupid. It's like Drawsome for mutants.
Scott: 'I forgot about Arron.' So did I, thank God. 
Adam is soooooo touchy lately. Luke S: 'Fucking women.' Charming. Deana did it to win the task for you, Adam. Get a grip. Exactly; 'use your brains.' They are so dumb. I hope they're going to say sorry to Deana. Not exactly allies are they? More like unfriendly fire.
What are Becky and Sara arguing about? Should I care? Neither of us have a clue.
How many times did you rewind Caroline smacking herself in the face with a bottle of shampoo? Twice for me. Fucking hell, it's not like she stood on a plug or something; a serious injury. If I did that, my boyfriend would just laugh at me. Is she blind? Quick, call an ambulance. Get her out the house. Take her to A&E. Just to make sure. Ashleigh: 'that'll teach her.' Don't go into nursing, will you?
What is WRONG with Caroline? I think there's actually something mentally wrong with her. Yeah, evict her with a mash-up face *insert own joke here*. Black eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyed.
Sara: 'why the fuck would I want to speak to any of my housemates?' Fair point. This is one of the worst episodes I've seen this year. My boyfriend just pointed out Sara is trying to disappear down her own top. There's a metaphor here somewhere.
So will you be watching the Olympics opening ceremony tomorrow? If so, watch out for the fake alien invasion/ terrorist attack. I'll be watching some dimwit being chucked out of a house on Big Brother. Mind you, it beats watching Phil Daniels and Fab Macca, or whoever's been roped into this latest spectacle of shame. Ring pieces.

Big Brother 13: Onion argy-bargy

Not another bloody party! They have more parties than Lindsey Lohan. I like it when Americans use the word 'partying' when they mean taking drugs. I've done so much partying, I'm suffering from exhaustion = I'm a drug addict and I need a lie down.
Well they've got the most childish housemates sewn up. I once ordered someone a bouncy castle as a prank when I was about 15 after they ordered me cabs and pizzas for an entire night. I think I won that one. The person's mum rang up and my dad gave me a tell-off, but it was quite half-hearted. Booked that bouncy castle through the Yellow Pages, too; old skool.
First R-Pattz and K-Stew, now Luke and Ashleigh to break up? My faith in love has been shaken!
The boys are so sad listening in on that conversation; they'd diss the girls for doing the same. Him and her both basically said the same thing about each other; they can't stand the sound of each other's voices. True love. Like Conor laughing! What a supportive friend. His face was a picture.
I think 'humiliated' is the word Ashleigh is looking for, not annihilated. That enormous bed looks ace. Luke can't exactly complain, he said much the same about her behind her back. Careful there on that high horse, Luke S, you're on shaky ground. He hates anything that dents his ego. I've seen some showmances in my time, but this one is really built on the sand.
This task is sexist. What are they going to do next; try on shoes? Luke A must be pleased he made the transition, this is pathetic.
Luke S is really PISSED off. What's his prob, she only said he had an annoying voice and he stinks? LOL. Onion boy! Chop, chop, it's all in the mind etc. Funions! (™Jesse off Breaking Bad)
Ashleigh: 'you make me out to look like a fucking arsehole.' She's not a very nice person, is she? She's just a shallow bitch. She's not got a nice word to say about anyone. How can anyone LIKE Conor's hair? Shaven armpits on men? Oh, please. Nair thanks.
Does Luke S REALLY like her? I think HE likes her more than she likes him! But I still don't think that means much. Relationship? Relationshit, more like. Luke S: 'I'll be happy one day.' When?
Ashleigh: 'Blind people can only see in the dark. They can feel objects better than we can feel it in the dark.' This might be the most stupid thing she's said yet.
Why is Caroline guffawing at the word 'transistioning'? What does Caroline regret the most? Is it that hairdo?
Wow, Deana's great, great, great grandad is 110. 'What does he look like?' Deana: 'He can still walk and everything but he passed away last month.' What?! I also hear her great, great, great granddaughter is pretty fine.
Caroline: 'Let's make a toast to the happy couple... onions.' LOL.
Luke A shouldn't take offense at Caroline laughing; she just has no emotional intelligence. She literally is the type who'd 'laugh at a funeral' like in that rubbish song from the 90s.
Is Luke S trying to teach Ashleigh etiquette? I think that ship has sailed. Licking your plate is fucking disgusting and I eat like Kerry Katona. I like Deana's earrings. Not so much Adam dribbling.
Ratleigh's ears look particularly big when she scrapes her hair back. I think they hate each other. Perhaps they'll have a hate fuck later, with Caroline looking on, giggling or scowling.
If Conor's a raver you think he'd be a bit more loved up. They're not so much dancing as walking round in a circle. Should have played Basshunter instead.
Adam copped a good feel of Ashleigh's sweaty boob area, didn't he? Ha, I'm surprised Luke did sleep with her in the end. He IS into her a bit! I have no idea why. She must smell like money.