Goodbye, Big Bro

'I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go' as Morrissey once sang, and today, I know the feeling.
I haven't blogged in while but it felt only fitting to use a dying format to say goodbye to a friend of 18 years, Big Brother. I do think BBUK will continue, like Glenn from The Walking Dead coming out from the dumpster 'in one form or another', and it definitely still exists in one form or another internationally, and for that, I'm grateful.
Big Brother has meant so much to me over the years, from making friends, forming relationships, blogging, podcasting, arguing online, arguing in real life, arguing because we care, we fucking care about this thing that yes, IS still on, except now... it isn't.
The ironic part is that it feels like things are just kicking off for our BB on Blast podcast in the past year or so, getting to go to the house, getting invited to talk to the producers, becoming mates with Arisa, host of BB Canada, and it can't all be for nothing, can it? Can it?
Big Brother on C5 is often slated, but thinking back over the moments we've had over the past few years, there's been a lot of really, really good ones. I'll leave it for the other fansites to take you on that trip down memory lane, but from Danny Wisker and his canoe to Kim Woodburn's 'adulterer!' madness, it's been a wild ride, both 'civillian' and celeb. I still don't really understand why C5 is killing the top rated show it has, but they have made a lot of bad decisions recently (removing Lewis, for example). I won't be tuning into whatever brain rot they put on instead. BB is life, C5 is not.
Will it go to Netflix? I feel like there's been a hell of a lot of hints. And I don't even mind it having 'a rest' for six months. But come on. We need UK Big Brother. The audience is there, and on Netflix, the international audience is there also. We could have live feed again! I know, I'm a dreamer. 
Last night was such a (!) blast. We were invited to the house, met in the pub beforehand, and were sent more free drinks from a mystery benefactor than I should have drunk. Trevor Boris, aka Marsha the Moose, came by to say hi! He didn't have to. Paul Osborne got Lewis and Mollie, hardcore BB fans onto the guest list with us, he didn't have to.
We passed Brooke and Tomasz and got smuggled into the camera runs, and saw the four housemates sat on mental chairs up the corner. It didn't feel real. We went in the task room and Gaz stuck his hand in a mystery box full of goo and probably still hasn't washed it. We were given a Big Coin each; what a treat! We didn't expect these things. We were lucky.
Jarrod and Matt held up signs. I held Garry's hand as votes were announced, and Gaz held mine, too. Mollie, Lewis, Gaz and I sipped on contraband vodka from my hipflask (wannabe edgy). Alfie was there, Chris, Jonnie... all friends I didn't have but now have, thanks to Big Brother. We sang to All These Things That I've Done which played over the highlights, my favourite Killers song, and one I'd just put on my Desert Island Discs for work the week before. How did you know, Big Brother? How did you know? It was magic.
The old housemates were all there, right by us, all except Ellis, Isaac (what did he have to do that was better?!) and you know who: the real winner, Lewis.
Emma cried. Half the grown men I was with cried. My eyes were watering all the way home, but I think I was just drunk! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  
We watched and I booed Cameron and called him a misogynist, but I didn't really care anymore. It was all love and light on the night, probably because I was so hammered. It was about more than who won last night. It was about a story ending.
OK: so now I'm going to watch the episode as it's such a blur when you're there. It was a peculiar final, too short, the wrong finalists (debatably) and little fanfare or nostalgia, really. If I hadn't been there, I'm not sure how it would have felt to watch on TV alone. Looking at Twitter, the overall feeling was rushed, but I've sat through finals that have been too long, too.
OK, so there were some token throwback highlights at the start, including C4 stuff. We were screaming for Kinga! I note the prick in tinfoil also got shown, and even Aaron Allard Morgan!
First up, let me clarify, I have never 'whoop whoop'ed in my life and never will. I feel like that's important to state.
It's mad to think Big Brother started in the year 2000, when I was 20! I remember it like it was yesterday, specifically the Nasty Nick times. We had a Nasty Nick shrine, FFS. It's no wonder I've never grown up, maybe I've just been stuck being 20 since then. It would explain a lot.
Emma IMO did not look that emotional, but I'm not keen on her anyway. I thought her velveteen robe dress made her look a bit Cruella De Ville too. See how she said, 'Quite possibly the last champion'. They have been saying shit like this the whole way.
OMG I totally heard Lewis (my friend Lewis, not Lewis F) shout 'Netflix' as to what the future holds for Big Brother, ha and Emma giggled.
Emma saying 'time is most definitely not on our side' = C5 shade. The eviction outfits aren't great, I must say. We've seen them all before. Zoe looked the best, Akeem just looked like he had his work shirt on. I was surprised they had to do a two by two eviction on the final night but it was the right two to go first. Cian was fourth and Zoe was third. She seemed very happy to be going with Cian. When you're there, you can't hear a word they say in their interviews, so I was interested to see this.
Ugh I hate Emma's hair so much (might as well say it for the last time). Blonde does not suit her and nor does the Donald Trump bouffant. She used to have the coolest short hair when it was dark and slick. FAIL.
Wow, there was 1% between Zoe and Cian! Not surprising, they are replacement level housemates. He is bit fake and a bit of a buttkiss, whereas she's real, but a misery guts.
Not much of interest in their interview, Cian was a bad friend, Zoe has periods.
Was interesting when Emma told them it was the last ever series and Zoe went 'flipping heck.' That made me sad.
Ooh the housemates going in to The Killers. How GOOD does Lewis look giving that peace sign, DAMN. Btw, shout out to Sian's red hair, it looked fabulous. Nice to see all these clips of Lewis. Criminal he wasn't there because of a joke (admittedly a really bad taste joke). Still gutted we were denied his best bits and interview. I paid good money to keep him in this house. Mind you, this highlights package is pretty Lewis heavy. At this point in the crowd we were SCREAMING 'I've got soul but I'm not a soldier!' (Ooh, I just found a good fanmade Lewis best bits on YouTube)
That was actually a really good clips package of the entire series Big Brother did there.
Why they gave Lewis G the airtime to promote his single, I don't know, but I enjoyed chanting 'off' and 'who are ya.' Disgusting to see Hussain there and not have Lewis there. Yuck. The only clothing line Hussain will be bringing out is in his mum's back garden (sorry if someone already did that joke on Twitter, I haven't looked that far down yet!)
Cameron was shaking like a shitting dog waiting for that announcement. Well done mate, great gameplan. Now fix up your YouTube if you've learnt anything in the house. Hopefully it's that equality isn't being allowed to punch women in the face and coming out (one of the times) by calling yourself 'bent' isn't a great look. 
I voted for Akeem to win, but I wasn't bothered about him coming second. He was a nice guy but he's no Lewis. His best bit was probably when his dog went in. Doing the two thumbs up for the photographers too, dearie me. That is so Akeem.
Lol at Emma saying Akeem gave it 110%. Emma: 'You have been phenomenal' to Akeem and him going 'I have.' Ha! Bold.
Ah, Akeem seems quite emotional in his interview! Emma telling him his parents are on holiday, ha.
Akeem: 'I do a lot of training and delivery for my job.' No shit!
The most exciting thing about Cameron winning was seeing Tony Dadley walk right by me in the audience. I booed and tried to get me giving him the thumbs down on camera but I'm too short! Haha.
Tony Dadley going, 'Do you know what you've done?' If the answer is, 'Played the idiot general public?' The answer, I'm pretty sure is, yes.
Cameron: 'I thought I was going to be irritating, annoying, I moan a lot..' Weeellll. Emma right up his arse. Well, we know she's a misogynist too (just ask Hazel). It's just 'his storm'. Like going 'Kill all Jews' was just Lewis's storm another year. Funny how it works, isn't it.
Don't get me wrong, I actually think Cameron was a good housemate, and an interesting and entertaining one. The only downside is his previous behaviour, blatant gameplaying (coming out three times, please) and fake storylining (seeing a ghost, for example). But he was good to watch and bitch about. There, I said it. I hope he has learnt something, I really do and I hope he doesn't spend 100 grand on Brexit stickers and Trump colouring books.
I'm glad Emma actually ackknowledged Lewis's existence in Cameron's interview and the importance of their friendship.
Emma going 'You have won Big Brother not Lewis'. Yet he would have had he been there.
Cameron had only come out to five people before (and Twitter). This crap that he never planned to come out in the house is one of the most bullshit things I've ever heard. Don't insult my intelligence.
Emma telling Cameron he won the last Big Brother. He genuinely looked upset. Yes, genuine emotion at last !
Was amazed Emma mentioned Davina and Brian at the end. Brian! First bit of respect he's been shown in a while.
Oh Emma did actually look upset at the end there. When she said 'it's time for this house to find a new home' you can hear Gaz scream, haha. Apparently they're demolishing it this week. Rubbish.
I feel they could have done more with the end. The voices bit is a good call back but could have gone on for a few more minutes.
'Big Brother will get back to you' - well, you'd better. I had to cuddle several weeping grown men at that point, you don't know what you've done, Big Brother!
I just watched a BBBOTS too and Emma and Rylan's emotions seemed very real. I actually blubbed. They are right that it seemed like the most Big Brother series for ages. The production values were on point, and the tasks were fantastic.
I think you'll find BBBOTS was Russell Brand's baby though, let's be real. Big Mouth was so fucking good.
Cameron in his BBBOTS interview on coming out: 'I couldn't have written it any better.' That's because you did write it, duh.
Wow to Rylan saying 'Me, Marcus and Emma will make sure Big Brother will get back to you.' Strong words! Yet why all the tears then? It's hell to hope. 
So will I do with my evenings now? Wait for CBBUS? Watch old BBUKs (must be time to do a new 'Blast from the past' episode... even if it is BBUK4, eek)? Have a social life?
To all my BB fam, I know we'll stay talking. I've genuinely made some of the best friends I have from people I've met, to people I haven't, who live an ocean away. It's the way we met and our common connection, but we will be friends regardless. We've been lucky to have the show for 18 years, nearly half my life. We'll be lucky if it comes back. And if it doesn't? We've got each other.

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PS: Keep listening to BB on Blast! We'll cover US and Canada. Send in any bbuk finale feedback to bbonblastpod@gmail.com before Friday. Love you!

Big Brother UK 2017: I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside

Loud motherfuckers unite

I thought I'd do one last blog before the final for those who care (and I know there are two or three of you still out there!)
Can you believe we're here now! I can't believe that there are FOUR people I like in the final week. Chanelle going was a shocker. Ellie going was a joy. So here we are.
I think Raph is getting a bit desperate to win this week, Isabelle is unphased, Kieran and Hannah are ready to leave, Deborah is still having fun and Tom... well, Tom improved in the attic. But that's like saying Tom's spelling has improved since he left school. Not a high bench mark.
Ooh tonight looks like fun! A wedding. And Chanelle! And Sukhvinder. Don't come for me, bitches.
Kieran and Deborah are getting married (for a task). But first they have to go on a first date. They are being waited on my some ginger dude in an ugly suit.
I think Deborah does the Nigerian accent when she gets nervous sometimes!
Hannah: 'Did Kieran bring you strawberries?' to Isabelle. 'No, he gave me an STI.' I'm glad that's been mentioned again!
Deborah has got more charm and personality in her elbows than Kieran could ever dream of. He is so INFERIOR to her. Angry little man. Hitting people with pillows, whining about his mattress, moaning about noise. Grumpy, vain little twat. Not even good looking. STD riddled! And he likes being peed on! Just no.
Hannah doesn't want Deborah to 'marry' Kieran. I don't blame her!
All this airtime for Kieran is making me twitch. I bet it's making Raph twitch too, ha.
Hannah looks very pretty as the bridesmaid. Kieran looks an absolute twat in that hat.
Ooh, Sukhvinder has come in for the wedding. Where's Imran! She looks great, too.
OMG! Calling Kieran a 'backseat finalist' and Tom a letdown as the people's housemate. 'You should have just owned it' to Andrew is correct about taking the cash. He should!
Rebecca calling Kieran 'her winner' then going 'you're losing this. People keep coming up to me because of how disloyal you are.' No, they don't. Unless it's your mum and your other clients/ rent boys.
Rebecca: 'Everyone thinks I'm in love with you.' I wonder why! 'It's so hard watching you.'
Keiran doesn't want to stand up for right and wrong. 'What happens if I'm wrong?' His game in a nutshell. Rebecca saying she banged Kieran two hours before they came in the house. Isabelle's face! I LOVE ISABELLE. But Rebecca's not in love with him, lol.
Rebecca calling Hannah selfish and immature. What a dog! Disgusting. Rebecca has been FUCKING LOTAN. How dare she say the public hates Hannah! Hannah: 'My mum loves me.' Rebecca is a gremlin! Straight up racist! 'You're completely out of the running.' Shut up! Jealous! 32 years old! LOL! Get out!
Kieran: 'You've got to take a bollocking on the chin.' You can if you like. I wouldn't.
Hannah is right, Rebecca does discriminate. 'What kind of stupid human being does she think she is?'
Kieran and Tom shitting their pants on the couch about Rebecca. Kieran thought that was 'tame.' It was not. He should have stuck up for his BB Fam.
Isabelle: 'I've got Rebecca's shoes on.' *hides feet* Remember the way Rebecca used to talk about Isabelle, too? Hannah: 'Look what the cat dragged in' about Rebecca, ha.
I can't believe Kieran has a topknot to the wedding. Eek! Tom's best man's speech was balls.
Chanelle has come in singing Florence and the Machine. Aw. How romantic...? Raph is crying.
I loved Chanelle telling Isabelle not to put herself down. 'Young girl's look up to you. You are a backbone to people in this house.' Aw. Hannah: 'That's how you do it.'
Haaaa Chanelle calling Andrew 'sly and snakey. You look like an oompa lumpa. I don't know what you've come dressed as today.' Lol.
Haha, Kieran and Deborah now have to break up and the others have to pick sides.
Deborah, Hannah, Raph and Andrew have won a party with really bad fucking music.
Ooh, Chanelle has come back in! Ooh, Imran! Sue! Rebecca (ugh). Raph and Imran hugging was the cutest.
Imran: 'The other clique didn't win. They lost their members.' Yes!
Andrew is looking for reassurance from Rebecca and Sue that he's not a snake. Rebecca saying Chanelle has an agenda! I have literally heard it all. Oh Sue, I have not missed you one bit.
Chanelle to Rebecca: 'Don't start with me bitch, biggest slag around!' to Rebecca. 'Fucking whore.' OMG.I actually love unfiltered Chanelle. And the look on Raph's face.
'Love, peace and harmony' kills any argument! Chanelle on Rebecca: 'Just because her ten minutes is nearly up, she's trying to get airtime.'
Rebecca saying about Chanelle having sex on TV. Andrew's 'Guess what, three fucking days, and hell's coming' had me laughing for all the wrong reasons.
Who's being called a hippo now? Ellie's already left! Oh it was 'hypocrites'.
Chanelle calling Rebecca 'fame hungry' and 'we'll talk outside.'
Rebecca: 'You want to call me a whore on camera.' 
Chanelle fronting her out: 'Yes, you are a whore. You shagged Lotan for a magazine interview. You should know better at your age than to act the way you do, baggy fanny, fuck off, mate. You're embarrassing.' How are we spelling embarrassing, Tom?
Chanelle did not FLINCH! Hannah dragging her away, haha.
Rebecca: 'That's the real Chanelle. You're such a fool, Raph.' Leave Raph alone!
Rebecca is a straight up, lairy strumpet.
Chanelle: 'Come to my hotel tonight, bitch, I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside, see if you're gobby then, silly slag. I can't see no hoes with my hate blockers on.' That's sunglasses to you and me. Class and a half. My heart soared, ha. You can threaten people once you've been in the house and been evicted! 'Move you silly cow, your expiry date is GONE!'
I like the fact Rebecca has gone yet Chanelle is still there. Haha, Sukvinder is now starting on Andrew. Isabelle just sits there, ha. How come she does it so much better than Kieran?
Chanelle is right about Andrew not fighting his own battles. Minions! But I don't really see how he's a snake. The snake noise doesn't even come on when he's on screen.
Raph doesn't want to end their time in a negative way.
Andre calling Chanelle a 'loud motherfucker.' Welllllll.
Andrew to Hannah: 'You and Raph can fuck off out my life.' Hannah pretending to cry. LOVE IT!
Andrew: 'Be prepared for fucking vocal truths.' Andrew is making me cry with laughter. What an absolute knob.
Andrew coming for Isabelle now! Saying she wouldn't sit next to him after he was called a snake! Don't come for Isabelle, you little wally.
Kieran: 'Don't be too over dramatic in the last few days' to Andrew. Well there is a happy medium between being Kieran (wallpaper) and being Andrew (town jester).
Andrew stop making things all about you!
God, I loved that episode. But the fact they had to drag in old housemates to liven things up speaks volumes.
I thought there was going to be a double eviction tonight! What happened?
So who to win? I wouldn't mind out or Raph, Hannah, Deborah or Isabelle. I don't think I've EVER had FOUR people I like in the final, which is weird as I hated EVERYONE except Raph and Arthur at first. The sisters didn't kick into gear until all the misogynistic men left. In my heart, I would love to see Isabelle take it. But I would also be so happy for Raph OR Deborah. So you know what this means. Your new winner is... Tom or Kieran. The vote is too split the other way! Argh.
Thank you so much if you've left me a comment on the blog, sorry if I haven't replied, I read
everything, I'm just super busy with work and the podcasts and it's a faff to sign into Blogger and then I forget. But I appreciate you, thank you for reading and sticking by me when I'm so sporadic.
For those not watching the excellent US Big Brother (BB19), I recommend it. Otherwise, I'll be in the CBB streets in a day or three. See you there.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Thick as fuck and desperate for fame'

Why, hello again! Back so soon? Oh God, it's the aftermath of Chanelle's £400 shag. Chanelle is still missing Raph, and Raph got drunk without her. They're in LOVE! Not like that. But they love each other and it's sweet. Who cares if he's a consultant! 
Jake: 'Your gran's gonna watch this.' Chanelle: 'It's my boyfriend so make it look romantic and cuddly.' It wasn't bad. It was just the moaning I could have lived without.
Jake is saying Charlotte is poisoning Andrew against Chanelle, which is true. Chanelle got the whole night to talk to her boyfriend and Charlotte only got five minutes with her mum, so who wins?!
Hannah on Sam: 'I just feel like he doesn't really stand for much.' I'll say. He stands for jack shit. Hannah: All they want to do is become reality stars.' To be fair, you are on Big Brother. Still, I guess no one watches it these days so you won't become a star.
Finally there's a hairdresser in the house, an increasingly orange Andrew, rather than Helen Wood doing her usual moody undercuts. The haircut he did for Ellie looks OK.
Chanelle has some bed hair going on. 'I feel like a proper dirty stop out.' She did get chicken, and a shag and breakfast in bed. Sounds great. Who could ask for more? A whole night of outside contact, too!
Chanelle prefers Raph to her boyfriend as he doesn't snore but she wants to get her end away at the weekend with Jake. I believe Raph and Chanelle's friendship will endure in the outside world.
Chanelle dishing the dirt to Isabelle and Raph about Charlotte trying to 'attack her character'. 
One of the boys has to agree to have a 'back, sack and crack' done. I already know who has it, as I saw it on BOTS, it's Andrew and it looked fucking HILARIOUS. I once tried to wax my own legs and the only thing I've waxed since are my eyebrows. It was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of getting your ARSEHOLE waxed. In fact; I thought that was just a made up thing, to be honest. But now I've seen it with my own eyes. Cannot unsee!
I half wish Tom had pressed the button first. I think I'd want my butt doing before my legs because legs are a large surface area! Men shouldn't have shaved legs. Well, not ones who want to sleep with me anyway (form an orderly queue, hairy guys).
Charlotte 'gets her fanny done every month.' I'm just imagining the grow back time in between now. One word: Nair.
Beautician: 'We'll get you up on all fours to do your bum crack.' The housemates are watching! Raph is actually walking away, haaa. What is his problem! I don't think he's in touch with the grooming side of the gay thing. You must suffer like women do, Raph, haven't you heard?
Tom: 'He looks like a roast chicken going in the oven.' That's the funniest thing he's ever said.
Kieran's face watching it all unfold was amazing, like a me watching childbirth. The noises Andrew was making were sublime. You gotta hand it to him; he went the extra mile there. I can't imagine people doing that in a private room, let alone on TV.
Raph is getting to meet a 'Big Brother legend.' Shame it's Josie. Helen Wood would be better, haha. Second Helen Wood mention of the blog. I'll try and get another one in before the end. 
Raph singing about combine harvesters to Josie, I love it. He's the cutest. He's such a fangirl.
Josie's advice is awful. 'These people aren't your friends.' THEY ARE! And telling him to do pranks. Fucking pranks! Let Raph be Raph, Awful advice. Should have got crab eyes in.
Chanelle saying 'I just went in the room for chicken.' Haha. 
Raph is reporting back what Josie said about Charlotte and Andrew and aligning the outside contact advice with Raph's. Chanelle: 'I don't feel so bad about how red Andrew's balls are now.' Ha.
Chanelle discussing having 'old married couple sex that didn't last long' on TV. Hardly seems worth it.
'Deborah and Kieran are talking about cats.' Finally. That's like when I find a fellow cat lover once I start a new job. That magical moment when you're in the company of people like you. Raph is teasing them about moving in together. I think if they were gonna get it on, they would have done it by now.
Chanelle's vagina is throbbing and she's not had a shower. Sounds like a recipe for thrush to me.
Sam and Ellie have been offered the chance to have sex in the boudoir. Well, it worked out well for Daley and Hazel didn't it. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing Ellie get throttled.
Chanelle: 'Make sure they've changed the sheets.' Ha. Why is BB so obsessed with seeing Sam and Ellie get it on? It's not sexy, it's not interesting, it's disgusting. It's not Love Island. Not one person on my timeline wants to see it and I think I'm pretty much following everyone left watching Big Brother at this point.
The housemates are banishing Raph and Keiran from each team. Not sure what that means. Oh, they can't take part anymore or win any money. I'm worried Charlotte will evict Chanelle as part of this task if she gets the chance. That could really happen! Imagine. Wallpaper evicting the star of the show. And don't get me wrong, Chanelle does get on my nerves at times. But she's genuinely funny and entertaining. Charlotte is neither.
Hannah is doing pranks now. Enough with the pranks, everyone! We're not 12 year old boys at boarding school.
Ellie to Sam: 'You are the six foot three funny guy I've never met before.' Six foot two showmance shit! They are pretending they're having their first date. Bit of a weird first date when you're explaining away your jealously and psychosis.
Ellie looks like she doesn't want to sleep with Sam. Big Brother is basically forcing her to.
Charlotte on Sam: 'When he first came in I thought he was thick as fuck and desperate for fame.' So, what's changed? Charlotte: 'Neither of them are too bright.' Nice thing to say about your BFF in the house! Charlotte: 'This task isn't going to end well.' True.
Sam is having an existential crisis in the boudoir because he likes Ellie. What's the problem?
Ooh they're either not having sex, or they didn't show it. Ellie's nana can come out from behind the sofa now.
PS: Big Brother is 17 today. Happy birthday. I still love you, baby. We don't all age well.
PPS: BBUK podcast and BBUS podcast, if you fancy 'em.

Big Brother UK 2017: Vivid magazine dealing

I have picked up the old blogging boots again! Two weeks to go! It's gone slow/fast, hasn't it. How are they going to get rid of everyone? They always manage it, don't they?
VIVID VOMITING, guys. If that doesn't keep you tuned in, what will? It's normally us viewers vividly vomiting about Ellie and Sam's kissing.
Ooh, they are testing them about the money! This should be interesting. The Steal. Like share or SHAFT.
It's mad that Deborah sleeps with Charlotte in Rose Cottage. Shocks me! What about the Exiles? Still, I guess she does have one eye on the other alliance in there.
God, they love a button pushing task on Big Brothers' worldwide, don't they? Job lot of buzzers every year from China, sorted!
The gold team vs the black team! I can't be bothered to write down who is on which. Do you really care? Me neither. In three days time one team will be able to steal all of the money they accumulate, up to 20K.
I love how humpy they are about having to swap bedrooms (each team has to sleep together). Kieran in particular has shown more of an opinion about bed swapping than anything in the house ever. Even Lotan throwing a drink in a woman's face. He is taking his mattress into Thorn Cottage with him. Keiran would rather leave than sleep on someone else's mattress. Leave, then, and take your STDs and bouffy hair with you.
Raph is like a rat up a drainpipe to get the money. Basically you have to press a button anytime an alarm goes off.
Kieran: 'I give you one guess what's wrong' to Big Brother. Big Brother: 'Big Brother doesn't play guessing games.' No, Kieran, you can't sleep in the garden or the lounge (not sure why, think BB is just grinding his gears now). Kieran is risking money from his team's 'prize pot'. Like a pension pot, but probably worth more. I love the way Big Brother is speaking to him. Kieran scuttles off and does as he's told, ha.
I can't watch this task with them eating manky old eggs and vomiting. NOT TODAY. Not any day. I actually feel sick. It's going on FOREVER.
Tom won. But I saw a glimse of vomit coming out of Hannah's nose, so I think she should have won for that, really. Even the vomit GIFs on Twitter are too much for me.
Tom is on the black team. Tom is comparing himself to David and Goliath. 'Don't underestimate the little one.' He must be small if he's calling himself little. Pocket sized prick.
The teams are on 'buzzer watch'. Why are Thicky and Thicky on the same team? So we can still watch them slobber all over each other?
More button pressing! Raph vs Andrew, who blinks first! Andrew, no doubt. Raph did a Luke S with the button and left it too late, but so did Andrew, cos he's a copycat. Don't be too greedy!Mind you, it worked for Jason Burill. And Derrick Lavasseur.
It's interesting watching the housemates eating while button pushing. We don't get to see them eat that often. I'm surprised they can eat after all that egg vom.
Isabelle has been called to the DR and her sister is on the line. Answer the phone, Isabelle! £150 is nothing.
The phone is bronze. Isabelle is bronze. I love Isabelle's scream on the phone. Paris Hilton follows Isabelle on Twitter. Getting to the real gossip there. Paris Hilton is so irrelevant these days she could virtually be on CBB. If she wasn't so loaded. Aw, Isabelle misses her mum's spaghetti bolognese. Cute.
Hannah is missing her mum. Hope Andrew doesn't catch her crying! He'll be furious. Deborah: 'We've taught the world, love your family over everything.' Um, no you haven't. That's a big ask!
'Big Brother has a surprise for you.' Chanelle: 'What is it, chicken and chips?' £400 to spend the night with her boyfriend! Sounds cheap. Can they have chicken and chips with that? Chanelle: 'Oh my God, I've not shaved!' Ha. Is she planning to fuck him! It's basically a conjugal visit. I like the fact they're all shy with each other. I used to be like that sometimes if I hadn't see someone I liked for a while. Sometimes you need ten minutes to get used to them again.
Charlotte to Chanelle: 'Ride that dick!' She learnt that from Mandy.
Jake (Chanelle's boyfriend) is telling Chanelle he doesn't trust Charlotte or Andrew. Might as well just bring in her phone or the paper. He seems a bit boring for her, but who am I to judge true love when I'm just a mean old cat lady?
Isabelle and Sam are talking about life in the outside world and going out in Manchester. Ellie is listening in. Isabelle: 'It's better to go in pairs.' Haaaa.
Chanelle: 'I wish Raph was here' to her boyfriend. 'Have you followed any girls? Have you been on any nights out?' Him: 'No.' Is he locked up or something?! Is he not allowed out?
Ellie is in the DR moaning. 'Other girls make me feel like shit.' You make my favourite programme dogshit. You're absolutely insane.
Raph chugging wine! Hope he goes mental. Oh, he's missing Chanelle. Aw. She missed him too!
Can't they turn the lights down in Chanelle's love nest? I could not sleep without mood lighting. I could not snog under strip lights.
Lol, Raph is shit faced. Raph, don't drink and diary room. It's worse than drunk texting. Oh, he didn't even make it!
Sam likes Ellie. Ellie doesn't want to like Sam. I don't like either of them. All I see on Twit is people complaining about Ellie and Sam. And still they foist it on us.
Oh they've finally switched the lights off in the love shack. OMG Chanelle moaning and groaning! GRIM! It's not so much Love Island as Love Dregs. Not long now. Watch BB19! Listen to our BB19 pod! Then listen to our BBUK pod! Once you've done all that, Big Brother will be on again. Thanks for reading, you're the best.

Big Brother UK 2017: Save your energy

Early morning dancing montage! How original. I just watched BB19 again so I'm again pissy with BBUK for being so shit in comparison. Losing in front of your home crowd, indeed!
Deborah getting her message from her baby was cute (and the little girl was gorgeous) but I already saw it on BOTS! Can't they show different stuff on BOTS to the main show?
Charlotte boowooing in the DR that she's not going to get a message from home, you came in with your mum, FFS. She thinks the late entries should have sacrificed their temptations. I kind of see her point, but it's a bit late now. They should have used the energy saving lightbulbs, I guess.
Oh God, Ellie's turn for some first class actressing. Big Brother is going to 'shine a light on it'. Is it Lotan? Is that her mum? Please tell your daughter to get a fucking grip. Why are they always proud? What are they so proud of?
Ellie: 'I'm sorry I took you for granted. Did you get train here?' What about the lightbulb! No time for small talk.
'Have you got a tshirt with my name on?' is vainer than 'Are we being funny, mummy?' Get over yourself! If Ellie wins, I'm emigrating. What am I saying, JASON BURILL won last year. Da fuck.
Charlotte and Sue are seething. Ellie 'forgot to ask about her instagram followers.' My heart bleeds.
Kieran's hair, though! Stop that. OMG his mum has come in clutching a picture of a cat. I didn't have Kieran down as a cat lady. If he is, it makes me like him more. Hold on, he wasn't holding the photo when he came in! Is he ashamed of his pussy? Back to hating him again then.
Sue and Simone: 'They're tolerating us.' They're barely doing that.
I was hoping Andrew was going to get reunited with the ferret. No such luck. Drat!
Andrew turned down the letter! Good man. Strong gameplay. Andrew is now making a funny noise. 'Oooooooooh.' Like an old lady with a knee problem. Victim noises!
OMG that's so cruel to do that do a dog! Oh, she took it! Haha. That's not going to go down well. The dog is gorgeous! I'd take the dog over Charlotte's mum. In fact...
Sam: 'How did the dog get here?' Same way you did, but with more elegance and a better vocabulary.
Ellie is not really a pet person, she's just mad for dick. Sorry to slutshame, but who doesn't like animals? Sicko.
Charlotte and Isabelle have to choose between them who can see their temptation. Bit cruel, isn't it?
Charlotte had her mum in there. But Isabelle came in later.
Isabelle is good to let Charlotte do it. She's so strong! Isabelle didn't look when they showed her mum, ha. Oops.
Mandy telling Charlotte not to sit on the fence. Fuck off! Mandy, she needs a cuddle, not a lecture.
I hate Mandy saying what Chanelle said! 'Daddy says, you gave up your job for this. Take them out one by one, start with Chanelle, move onto Sue, then onto Simone.' She shouldn't be allowed to say that! Get out!
Charlotte: 'That was the best fucking five minutes of my life.' Seek help. Has she never had an orgasm or been to an above average pop concert?
Charlotte piping up to Chanelle cos mummy told her to! Pathetic! Ugh! OMG! 'I'm speaking.' Shut the fuck up. Tragic.
Charlotte: 'That's just my face.' About her resting bitch face. Well, that's true.
Charlotte: 'My job is vocal, all I do is argue with people.' Where can I apply for this? I literally just noticed Charlotte's accent for the first time. I've been watching her on TV for weeks!
Kieran and Raph are arguing about a can of spiced rum and cola. Kieran: 'I'm not going getting it, you go get it.' That's the real Kieran. 'Very selective' - just like his personality. 'Goodwill gesture'? Here's a man who's worked in customer service. A goodwill gesture would be fucking off and not looking back, you fake piece of crap. I don't blame Raph for not shaking his hand after the way he spoke.
Simone is admitting about the bottles. Does anyone care about these bottles!? I don't. Oh, Hannah does. Simone: 'I'm not a liar, and I'm not a bad person.' Not so much debatable as untrue.
All the women keen to have balls tonight.
Kieran giving it the old 'fool me once' George Bush fail speech. I was surprised he managed to get it right.
Charlotte crawling to Isabelle. Isabelle: 'I know I'll be out sooner.' Sooner than Charlotte? Actually, on a vote to evict, she will. And that ain't right!
Chanelle and Charlotte are clearing the air. Charlotte doesn't like being referred to as quiet! What the fuck. Try speaking, then. I prefer Charlotte without a personality. What Chanelle said wasn't malicious in the slightest. It was just a sarcastic comment.
You never see the night cameras anymore, do you? Ellie drawing attention to herself and Sam's dick. I hope they have some condoms in there, cos they're not the brightest sparks, are they? The last thing we need is them reproducing.The only temptation for viewers at the moment is the amount of hype about Love Island on the other side. If I didn't despise showmances, I'd be on it like a Sam up a magazine deal.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'You're the best big brother ever'

I just watched Big Brother US and watching BBUK straight after is such a comedown. It feels dirtier than Simone after draining the drink dregs. It's rough as old boots. I'm like Kieran down the clap clinic watching this.
I still find it odd that Sam sleeps in the room with Hannah and the Exiles. He's clearly part of the 'clique'.
Simone is upset she was called 'dangerous', even though she's clearly dangerous as fuck. She will be bundled out like Kim Woodburn within the week, and not just to the David Gest suite. To the bus stop or the court house.
I kind of like Andrew's skinny body, shameful as that is to admit. Shame about his face and voice and personality.
Charlotte sipping that drink and smirking when Andrew mentioned Simone's modelling is your GIF for tonight.
Chanelle and Raph walking off when Simone sat down wasn't cool, even though they're not bitching too badly. They are bitching a little bit.
Oh fuck, I never pay attention to the rules of the shopping task so I've just rewound it. OK, they have to keep the lightbulb lit up but they'll face a range of temptations (sounds familiar). They can also light up a dancefloor. What?! Is this some recycling shit? Some eco-friendly message here, like Ooglies?
Chanelle saw her nana and went 'waaaaa'. Nana: 'You're doing so well.' Chanelle: 'I know.' Ha! I liked Chanelle asking about her rabbits first, then her boyfriend. 'Does he still love me?' I'm glad he does.
Kieran's hair is getting a bit 'Winston' from Steven Goode's year. And that's not a good thing.
Raph's sister is the cutest! Gorgeous. 'You're the best big brother ever.' He might be, but this show isn't. His reaction was cute.
Sue: 'I've had one kick off in the house and you won't see another one.' Okey dokey. Cut to Sue's next kick off in 30 minutes time.
Simone pleased with herself that she can control her anger. Well done, you're a sentient adult (just)!
I keep forgetting Tom is in there now all his lackies have gone. His girlfriend couldn't even be bothered to come in then? No cutch for him! Wales is a bit of a way away, isn't it? 'You need to handle your drink a bit better.' Tell off times! Everyone on Twitter is moaning that Paris was meant to have dumped Tom but then she phoned him. I do not give a fuck about Tom and his lovelife. Zzzzz.
Simone digging Tom out for draining the energy out the lightbulb, ha.
Hannha is seeing her sister Mary. She already has one sister in the house! Greed! Can't Deborah see her as well?
Mary: 'You and Deborah are killing it!' I love Hannah crying. Mary: 'Listen to Deborah!' Mary talks exactly the same! Haha, Mary saying Deborah should get with Kieran. I'm glad Mary said Raph and Chanelle are cool.
I love Hannah telling Deborah her mum is happy with Kieran! Then running to tell Kieran! Then Kieran running after Deborah! Aw! He's not good enough for her, but that was cute. But what about the STDs, bruv? NOT GOOD. Put something on the end of it.
Housemates dancing montage! Standard.
The Exiles and the Clique are united in their hatred for Simone. Sam: 'I've got to get her out, she's doing my head in.' Noms talk! As soon as Simone goes up, she's a goner.
Simone doesn't even get a call, she just gets a letter! 'Dear mam, it was great when you stuck that bread up your arse.' Whatevs, no one cares. Bring back Calum Best's letter from home. Legacy.
Simone's kids are proud of her! Is it because she's not punched anyone in seven days?
Kieran going 'she's still a mother'. So cynical! He doesn't give two fucks about Simone. Andrew saying he's happy Simone got her letter. Lies!
Is Simone reading her apology off a cue card? Andrew is being quite sanctimonious tonight.
Simone admitting to Sue she 'did the bottles'. Sue will rat on her, deffo.
Look at the state of Ellie. Jesus. What is she even crying about? Desperate or what? I thought she'd seen a clip of Sam saying he liked Isabelle but not even. That'll be next. Give your head a wobble! Lay off the Smirnoff Ice. What has Sam even done?
Hannah needs to become a counsellor if she's not already. JOURNEY! Check.
Sue is right that Ellie requires a lot of mollycoddling and it's tiring. Ellie whining that Isabelle is better than her. Yes, she is. Also, put a duvet cover on that bed, you filthy beggars.
Sue criticising Chanelle to Raph. Know your audience! Chanelle has good relationships with the sisters and Isabelle. That would bug the hell out of me if someone said that about me. Most of Chanelle's friends are girls, except Raph.
Hannah having to counsel Chanelle now! Poor Hannah, who counsels her? Chanelle: 'No one sticks up for me.' That is so me, haha. It's horrible when you feel like your friends don't stick up for you.
Isabelle's counselling isn't quite as good as Hannah's. 'Who gives a fuck what a 50 year old woman has to say?' Haha. 'There's a lot of people who look up to you.' Let's not go too far.
Sue comes in the room and Chanelle goes off bawling. Oh, put a sock in it, Sue. I don't really get her strategy, going in there and targeting one of the favourites? Is she trying to topple the favourite to become the favourite? She's trying to take down a dictator but she doesn't have the back up. She doesn't have an army. You can't do it alone, Sue. It doesn't work that way. Not even during hurricane season.

Big Brother UK 2017: Checking the cheese

Sorry no blogs for a bit, it's been a busy old week. Behind on life in general.
I don't like this cunty side of Chanelle. I agree Simone is a mess, but Chanelle should rise above it, not lie down with the dogs.
I actually agree with Charlotte that if you're a nice person, you don't have to tell everyone, but the fact Charlotte mentions 'grabbing her popcorn' says it all. She's merely a spectator in the house. No wonder Simone forgets her name.
Sue and Simone are both total drama queens. The amount of airtime they're getting is annoying.
Stop saying 'don't come for me', Chanelle. You're not Sukhvinder.
Queen task. The public chose Chanelle, Ellie and Deborah to take part in a pageant. Hannah didn't look too happy. Aw, I feel sorry for Hannah! Why would people choose Ellie!? Argh. People don't really like Ellie... do they?
Chanelle saves her farts up and does one a day so the toxins don't go up into the 'oxone layer.' Considerate. Sam is always trying to annoy her!
Chanelle's Manchester song was quite good, wasn't it?! Sort of. God, this episode is hard to blog. This task is boring.
I like how bitter Chanelle is about the whole thing and Ellie getting a higher score than her.
Simone stacked it.
I'm glad Deborah was crowned queen. Chanelle stealing the crown was funny, though. Who coughed 'airtime'? Haha.
Chanelle is being such a diva today. Sue gave the word 'confident' four vowels. I'm sooooo tired of Sue.
Aw I love the facy that Deborah is getting loads of confidence this week. It's nice to see her with a twinkle in her eye.
Ooh, Simone can hear Chanelle slating her through the wall. Simone's garden is worth more than 15 grand. What's in it? Gold gnomes? A magic money tree?
Chanelle looks like she's had extra botox in the house. These days, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually had. I do agree that Simone is playing the victim, but Chanelle is kind of feeding into it. Simone is filth and is trying to get Chanelle to punch her. Even Sue could see it. Chanelle needs to be smart especially as she's on her 'final warning'.
Hannah is comforting Simone for 'ending up in prison.' Didn't they used to not be allowed in with criminal records? Hannah is being good with her. Simone is simply storylining as far as I'm concerned. I have no sympathy for her whatsoever, even though I did feel a little bit sorry for her last night when Isabelle and Chanelle went past her snickering.
Simone is sticking a slice of bread up her bum. Not sure why. 'I didn't ask for the bread with Nutella on it.' Ick.
Raph would not date anyone in the house... aw. Poor loopy Andrew is denied again. He'll still be begging him for hugs later, no doubt.
Sam and Kieran kissing is the least sexy thing on the planet. It's induced lesbianism in me. Sam considers that 'pulling' Kieran. Mind the STDs.
Why is Chanelle so mad about Sue, admittedly talking shit, to Simone? It's got nothing to do with her!
Simone is still saying she didn't hide the bottles. Who gives a fuck about the bottles. I'm just waiting for Big Brother to show it on the screen.
Simone is attention seeking in the hot tub. Ellie is 'checking the cheese' in the store room, ie. snogging jug-eared ignoramus Sam. I love the fact Hannah comes in and checks the tumble dryer, she doesn't just leave them alone! 
Simone is a disgrace and a drunk mess. Someone needs to keep an eye on her. I don't trust the producers to do it.
Andrew: 'It must be hard being so drunk.' Simone walks straight into it. I'm amazed she hasn't been thrown out yet.
I love Hannah trying to save the situation. Simone: 'You're looking at me like I'm a fucking dog' to Andrew. Weeeeeeellll. What is Simone eating? Pineapple.
Simone is always making shit up people say and denying what she has said herself.
Andrew is having a hissy fit. 'She's a dirty person, nah nah nah, she is dangerous, she's fucking vile, I don't like it.' Andrew is mental! He started that, Simone was walking away!
Simone: 'He tried to take the piss out of me because I'm drunk, it's his own fault.' She's kind of right. But also... she is a worry. She is an accident waiting to happen, and Big Brother knows it, and is exploiting her. I don't think I like it either.
Ooh, we did a podcast today! Hopefully a BB19 one coming soon!

Big Brother UK 2017: It would be great if Kanye West becomes President

Chanelle is upset the tree of love doesn't hug back. 'It's so one sided, this relationship.'
Joe quite suits being a hippy. He's in touch with his feminine side now and wears his partners clothes. Fair enough. I like this less 'laddy' Joe.
Kieran is in the kitchen mansplaining to Hannah about how she doesn't listen. Ironic, really.
Deborah: 'When the bad apple is removed, the other apples can grow.' It is weird how they're all being positive now. I reckon they've been read the riot act off screen.
I like Chanelle's doll in bed prank. Where is that doll even from? Is it one of Arthur's mannequins?
Writing materials to write songs! Don't tell Nasty Nick. This lot are too thick to write down nom ideas.
These housemate raps are driving me mad. I can't be bothered to comment on them, it's so pointless. The only notable thing so far was Isabelle singing about Chanelle and calling her Chantelle and doing a really odd performance. Isabelle is soooo weird. So weird. I feel like she has a personality disorder. Chanelle wasn't too happy.
Isabelle uses a brillo pad to exfoliate. A brillo pad! What does she do her dishes with!? A cement mixer?
Chanelle mispronouncing 'faux fur'. She mispronounced it 'fox' which doesn't sound great.
Glitter boobs time. I like Joe getting into the spirit. He is living for this task. The boobs look quite good in glitter. It's like the glitter holds them up a bit. Joe: 'You shouldn't doubt your boobs, nothing wrong with them, love.' Thanks for that, Joe. Now stop looking at the girls' boobs.
Tom does look like a novelty Santa, I agree with Ellie there.
Eww, Tom is holding hands with Ellie. Gross. No showmance, please, especially not with those two creeps.
Joe is encouraging Raph to rank the guys in order. Raph said Kieran than refused to high five him. Leave that twat hanging. I don't want Kieran to start getting a good edit now. He's a nasty person.
Why is Tom storylining about his girlfriend? Does he mean Lotan?
Isabelle wants to find a boyfriend in Marbella. She wants 'a temporary boyfriend for the summer.' Sounds good.
Is the tree of love a real tree? Savannah is annoyed she can't lean on the tree. Savannah is annoying.
Ugh, is Kieran trying to showmance Charlotte now? Desperate times.
Nice to see Kieran cuddling the sisters, until he dry humped them. Deborah is praying for Jesus to give her more weeks in the house. I'm sure he's got better things to do.
Raph and the sisters are shoring themselves up, hoping not to go. 'If the public evicts us, we can say we've been ourselves.' I think they're good on a vote to evict.
The housemates are talking about who they'd vote for. Raph said he would have voted for Labour over here. OMG Raph saying he voted for Donald Trump. Hannah's reaction! LOL! It was like he'd punched her in the face. Raph, you shouldn't have said that two days before noms. 'We need shade before we need light'. WTF. Raph, shut your mouth. I thought you were bullshitting or VT lying about Trump.
Charlotte: 'I don't know enough about politics... it would be great if Kanye West becomes President.' You're right, you don't.
A moth in the Big Brother house. I think we had a whole podcast title based on Wolfy and a moth back in the Big Brother Bile days. RIP.
Fucking hell, that's not a moth! That's a monster. If that was in my house, I'd move out. It looks furry!
Kieran going 'come here' to the moth and Tom going 'it can't speak, mate.' Does he mean 'listen'? The moth is more eloquent than Tom.
I did like Kieran rescuing it at the end and Charlotte going 'I hate nature!'
Everyone was moaning that it was a boring episode, but it was OK. You can't have fights every night. To paraphrase Raph/ Patrick Wolf: 'If it's never dark... how you gonna know the sun when it shines?'
Also, podcast. Also, BBUS starts tomorrow, if you've never watched it, give it a go. We'll be podcasting and it's fun. It's my favourite international Big Brother.

Big Brother UK 2017: BBUK - The apology tours

I don't think it's really fair to put all the housemates up for eviction. They never use evictions as a punishment when it's just one or two acting up! Unfair to people who did nothing, ie. Raph, Charlotte (so what's new?) and (weirdly) Joe.
It's the morning after the night before. It's funny how different people see things, isn't it? Both in the house and on Twitter. People HATE Chanelle on Twitter. I don't know why, I think she's got a good heart under all the crap.
Chanelle: 'People do need to be told off, last night scared me. I've not come here for that.'
Deborah casually going 'morning' to the room of dickheads. Savannah saying the dickheads need to travel 'as a pack.'
Charlotte went: 'How is Deborah still here?' Keiran: 'The rules in this place are corrupt. It's like politics.' No, aggressive men get thrown out (Lotan), as do aggressive women (Kayleigh).
Ellie, Tom and Kieran slagging off Isabelle and comparing her to a three year old. Yawn.
The house has been transformed into a hippy commune. I like the tie dye table cloths. I thought it was a punishment at first because they'd removed the sofa.
Ellie needs to go next. I can't stand her. Her or Tom. I'm a bit worried about everyone being up! Imagine if one of the sisters went because it's a split vote?
Chanelle is waiting for an apology from Ellie. Good luck. Chanelle: 'The house needs witchcraft.' I'm not sure about that.
Raph and Deborah are at the tree of love singing about 'love, peace and harmony'. Savannah's stage outfit is 'kind of risky.' She is 'kind of an idiot.'
Hannah is called to the diary room and Kieran calls her a lemon. Hannah has a bruise on her face from when Ellie punched her. Did Ellie punch her? I didn't see that. Big Brother has reviewed the tape and said Ellie didn't punch her. Damn.
Savannah calling Hannah and Deborah 'sly fucks.' This dumb cow has been outside and is choosing the evil path. Thick or what?
Hannah wants to 'be a conductor of 'love peace and harmony.'
I enjoy the split house, as long as the numbers are quite even and the idiots get themselves thrown out once or twice a week.
I saw a lot of people on Twitter saying Joe could have diffused the situation last night. But Joe's not a diffuser, he's an instigator.
Tom thinks Lotan's been kicked out, because he SAW the way Lotan was in the DR. I'm glad they're letting them stew on it. Isabelle thinks there's no tension or negative vibes in the house anymore. Not sure about that.
I like the marquees and all the quilts and stuff. Looks like my house. More so than normal.
Chanelle keeps the mood up in the house, getting them to give each other compliments. It's sweet.
Isabelle calling the other side 'miserable cunts.' Ha. Not sure about Chanelle's leather baseball cap. Might put that on the eek list.
Savannah: 'The only power we have is sticking together as a group.' Can Chanelle hear that? I love her falling on the floor and complaining about the negativity.
Savannah: 'He was wrong to swizzle the drink.' He didn't swizzle it, whatever the fuck that means. He threw it in two women's faces, dumbo. God, she's annoying.
Housemates are getting a tell off for not listening to Big Brother 'during heated conversations.' Tannoy tell off! 'Big Brother must be able to seperate housemates over the tannoy.' But you're not able to do that, Big Brother.
I'm glad they said about Lotan's behaviour 'in the house, in the diary room and over the past few days.' Big Brother encourages the housemates to 'show tolerance.'
Was good to see Hannah and Tom making up even though he's a cretin. Ellie and Deborah also making up. Ellie is so thick. She doesn't understand basic English.
I love Deborah saying 'I panicked and wanted to go home' about her bolting up the stairs. Revisionist history! Lol. Good excuse, though.
Ellie you went 'come on, hit me!' Let's not any of us pretend we didn't know what was happening.
Even Tom and Chanelle are making up. Have they all been forced to make up? This feels fishy as fuck.
Hannah is saying Charlotte picked a side. Yeah, we noticed it, too. Charlotte hidden up the corner like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen counter. She's about as entertaining as him, too.
Hannah and Isabelle are a weird friendship. Isabelle does look like a clown and she's a weird person. But she's interesting. I wonder if the tide will turn with her now Lotan's gone.
Ellie and Tom seem to be over Lotan already, which is odd. Ellie making up with Raph and saying they're going to become better friends. We'll see. This all feels fake as fuck. Are they reading these apologies off cue cards?
They're now chanting 'I'm at one with the Big Brother house' whenever a noise goes off.
Not buying Ellie's cheeky chappie persona now Lotan's gone. Hannah's singing is fucking awful. That would drive me mad, to be honest.
I love the fact on BBUK they DO just give them more drink. On BBUS, they get no drink because, well, death threats.
Chanelle has been called to the DR for another tell off. But she's on a final warning. Oh, now they're saying because she didn't start the row, it doesn't count that she threw her drink. Nice. I like the fact they're just making it up as they go along. What will the excuse be next time!
Deborah is now getting told off for going up the stairs after Ellie. Big Brother says 'in the moment it seemed...' Ha! It was. She was 'just annoyed Lotan was back in the house and felt scared'. Don't blame her. She was just trying to get to the exit, honest, guv. I love it. Good one! Viewers may have found it offensive! I found it hilarious.
Save us from Ellie's 'jokes' please.
I agree what Isabelle said about Lotan's son wasn't bad. She's 100% correct. It wasn't about Lotan's son. It was about Lotan and it touched a nerve. 'With the others, I feel like they're just being nice cos they've got to be. It's either be nice or look like an absolute twat.'
Raph is talking to Kieran. It's weird seeing people who never talk being made to talk, like a storyline that's been forced upon them or a bad soap opera.
Raph is sticking up for Deborah running up the stairs. Kieran: 'You'd be scared if you were at the top of the stairs and I took my jacket off and ran at you.' Raph: 'I don't know.' I love his loyalty to Deborah because Kieran is actually right for the first time ever.
I hate the fact they're trying to give Ellie a 'fun edit' now Lotan's gone. Gross. We can remember a day ago, Big Brother! Don't fuck about.
Joe in the pink feathers, ha. Deborah is painting Kieran's nails. Joe is trying to get off with Deborah, asking which of the guys she fancies, lol. She put him down! Joe: 'Fuck peace, love and harmony.' It's nice to see them smiling for once!
Ooh, it's vote to evict! Bye, Tom! Next month's phone bill just went up, up, up.

Big Brother UK 2017: What are you here for?

Lotan got ejected, Lotan got ejected! Woo! At least something fun happened this week.
Quite funny really seeing Lotan and Tom's last wake up time together. Aw. Talk about bum chums, and I use that in the most sex positive way. Tom saying Lotan's hard on was sticking in his back all night. I'm sure.
Raph and Deborah moaning about the clique. The idiot boys said they were going to 'Casper' Isabelle. Isabelle can't Casper them back, but she can satsuma them. Sorry, I want to avoid Isabelle tan jokes from now on, but that was a last one for luck.
It's weird seeing night time japes on Big Brother, as you don't normally see them. Big Brother has called Savannah in to check if she was OK with the guys roughhousing on top of her. She says, 'boys will be boys.' Big Brother is just one long tell off now. 'Tom, you forced someone's genitals into close proximity with another human.' Tom thinks it was funny. I can't really tell what happened myself. But I remember Aaron Frew being chucked out for less and he was a decent bloke, unlike these absolute mugs.
Savannah is boasting about her LA life. Seeing Justin Bieber in a cafe. Oh, she's alluding to how she fucked him. Grim.
I never even knew Lotan had a son until tonight. This feels like a normal conversation in the Big Brother house. Weird. They are only showing it to build up to later, I guess.
What is Joe even saying to Raph? No one knows.
I like Isabelle joking that she's made the house miserable and she doesn't want to say sorry. Her eyebrows! I mean, the tan is one thing. But the eyebrows.
Ooh, nomination time. Looks like EVERYONE nominated Isabelle. Even the other newbie! Ellie 'doesn't know what her journey is.' Ellie, your journey is up Lotan's arsehole.
Ooh, Charlotte nominated Hannah! Eek.
All the people I like nommed Lotan. I like the way they've cut the noms in a way. I do like to hear all the noms, but I think it's quite entertaining seeing all the reasons for one person at the same time.
Tom is getting a few as well. I want Savannah to go as well, I can't stand her. At least Raph isn't up. Up is Tom, Hannah, Isabelle and Lotan. I like it when four are up, it feels tight. Will be three soon. Not Joe though! Bugging.
Hannah: 'If there's a point they want to prove, let it be proven.'
Lotan knew who was going up. Did he know he was going to throw his toys out of the pram and go too?
Chanelle thinks 'some of his own' have voted for Tom.
I love Isabelle nodding off while Ellie is talking. Hilarity. Chanelle doesn't like Isabelle being victimised. Yay, I like it when Chanelle stands up for her friends.
Lotan sneezing and going 'I'm allergic to bullshit.' Chanelle: 'You shouldn't be alive, you should be dead with all the bullshit you say.' Haaaaaa. Lotan: 'You just wished me dead.' No, she didn't. But I will, later in this blog.
I guess Big Brother got what they wanted with the shitstir task. Did we even get to hear the rules at all? They just have labels with slurs all over them, ha.
Her name is ISABELLE not Isabella. Lotan is so NASTY calling Isabelle 'princess'. He's so patronising. Big Brother throws a match into a firework factory and laughs. I think they'd probably had enough of Lotan, too.
Woah, the atmosphere in that house is terrible. Lotan is drunk and belligerent calling Chanelle a 'camera hungry bitch.' Raph looks like he wants to disappear into the couch.
Isabelle: 'You're being cocky cos you've had a drink' to Lotan.
Raph and Chanelle's 'bed buddies' scene about how much they loved each other in the middle of that was like calm in the eye of a storm.
Charlotte thinks Hannah's 'petty'. I think Charlotte's a turncoat. Bring back her mum.
Lotan picking on Isabelle for looking in the mirror. The house literally can't sit round a couch together without someone getting kicked out. Hannah: 'It doesn't look good' to Lotan. You aint seen nothing yet.
There is something weird about Isabelle. She seems almost like... drugged up.
Isabelle said to Lotan: 'You're meant to be a role model to your son' after Lotan said he wasn't taking anything anyone said seriously. She actually said it twice because she slurred it the first time (meds).
Lotan then threw a drink on the girls. I love Hannah's rage! Rightly so. It went RIGHT in her face, so he's not a good shot as he was aiming for Isabelle.
Chanelle: 'Are you fucking serious!' She threw her drink again. It's lucky the glasses are plastic. Lets face it, if they kicked everyone out who was on a final warning tonight, there'd be three people left. 
I also love Raph grabbing Chanelle's leg. I love Deborah calming Hannah down.
Isabelle smiled! She smiled. Hahaha. Ooh, she's cold. I love it.
Ellie is so gross sticking up for Lotan: 'What are you here for?' to Isabelle. To take out the trash. 'Why are you here, you're pissing me off.' That's why she's there. Why didn't they pick Sam? I'm glad they didn't now.
I love watching the faces of the people who don't get involved too.
Who cares if someone mentions someone's son or daughter. Who GIVES A FUCK.
Chanelle in the garden: 'He's fucking vile.' She's not wrong. He was picking on Isabelle and she bit back and he couldn't take it.
Chanelle didn't realise what Isabelle said about Lotan's son. Isabelle *impassive* 'Yeah, but I did.'
Lotan in the diary room digging his grave. 'First thing in the morning I'm going to pack up my stuff... I swirled my drink around the group... because of the ugly one with the orange face, this disgrace of a human being.' Tom giggling by his side like a little lapdog. How will be cope without someone suck off at night?
Then smashing up the DR. Kayleigh flashbacks. Lotan even turned on his little bitch Tom then! 'Get the fuck away from me.' Haaaaaaa. Brilliant.
Ellie defending Lotan chucking a drink at Hannah. Grim. Deborah is acting like it happened to her, not Lotan.
Charlotte piping up: 'You can't bring family members into it.' You bought your mum in and no one complained. In fact, I'd swap you for her.
Ellie going to Isabelle: 'Go mention Deborah's kid.' No, because Deborah hasn't been digging Isabelle out since the MOMENT she walked through the door, you thick bitch.
Lotan coming out of the diary room and fronting up to the girls cos he had to have the last word.
'Do you think they're going to drag me out?' Hope so.
Ellie talking to Lotan like she's his mum. Everyone telling Lotan to go to the DR. I wish security had dragged him out.
Gross. 'Yuck' indeed. I love Kieran's hands up when security came in like he's been stopped by the police before.
Deborah getting in Lotan's face was great. Standing up for her sister by pushing her sister out of the way to have it out with hm . Amazing. This bit on the stairs is amazing. Magic!
I LOVE the sisters giving it back to Lotan. Bald security guard for the win! 'Pussyhole!'
Keiran with his hands up like the police have just stopped him, I'm dying.
Ellie swung at Deborah's face? I never saw it and I rewound, believe me. Deborah said to Hannah: 'stop it, we have work.' What does that mean! Like, they have jobs outside, not like these reality TV jokers, I think. OMG I love Deborah racing up the stairs to clock Ellie. Raph ran even faster that here. I wish she'd got there. I despise Ellie. That was legendary.
Ellie on the floor. Chanelle yelling from outside. So much to watch! What a mess.
Savannah with her hands over her ears on the couch is basically me as a little kid. Then she goes 'I have to leave cos I am claustrophobic.'
Deborah to the security guards, almost embarrassed: 'If I'd known it was going to be like this, I'd have never of signed up for it.' Me either. But isn't that how most things in life start!?
I love Chanelle and Hannah saying they were gonna go home because of this crap. I don't blame them. If you feel in an unsafe environment, that's not cool. The Big Brother house should be a safe space.
Lotan: 'It's either I stay or she does.' Her? Thinking Isabelle is going to get removed for what she said! You threw a drink at girls, then came back in for round two. Gross.
Tom calling Isabelle an embarrassment. He would know.
I love Raph trying to calm Deborah then crying. She's rightly appalled at someone throwing a drink at her. It is disgusting. Deborah: 'I've never had a man throw a drink in my face. I'm a mum.' I've thrown a drink in a man's face. It was fun.
Now the sisters are fighting with each other. I love it! The sisters must be on a warning by now.
Chanelle about Lotan: 'Why the fuck is he still here when he keeps doing this to women?' Good question.
I love the security guard monitoring the sister's coversation. How have they managed for the past three decades? I understand why Deborah is disappointed in herself, but her barrelling up the stairs is very GIFworthy and she was driven to it. She's worried how the public will percieve it. I think they'll love it! Twitter looks HOT right now. My tweets are going through the roof. I love seeing sisters stick up for each other.
Why is Lotan back in the house, drunk and threatening girls!? That is the biggest question of the whole night. He should NEVER have been allowed back in.
Lotan: 'If she was where I'm from and not uptown London...' What does that mean exactly? 'She did well to get a couple of spits on here.' Oh what do you prefer, an acid attack, Lotan?
Lotan: 'I walked away because I wanted to destroy her physically and mentally. She's a psychopath.'
Chanelle is right that Isabelle highlighted something that was already there. 'I feel really guilty' she says, with all the passion of a dead fish. Chanelle keeps saying she feels bad, but I don't think she does, and I kind of like it, haha.
Charlotte: 'We're a bigger group' with Tom and Lotan. Number talk! Eww. You backed the wrong horse, Charlotte. What would your mum say about you hanging out with Tom! Tom: 'Family.' Yeah, you evicted hers.
Lotan thinks the amount of liquid in his glass makes a difference when you throw a drink on someone. There was plenty in there. Lotan: 'Any man would have reacted the same way and I own it. If people are intimidated by me, it's their problem and not mine. I'm being persecuted for being a male. Fuck the TV show. Fuck the situation and fuck the girls that went off. Right or wrong, it could have been a hell of a lot worse.' How?! Fuck you. 'This is who I am, take me or leave me.' I'll leave it, thanks.
Next day: Lotan: 'Oy oy, do you like my slippers?' to Big Brother. I think it's a no. I knew he'd say it was cool when he got told to leave. He'll pretend it was his idea now. Not sure why he had his finger in his ear as he left, probably trying to keep his one braincell from falling out of his dumb head.
Say what you want about this series, but Lotan's downfall was beautiful. Throughly enjoyed it. Can't wait to see Ellie and Tom pissing and moaning about it now. Hopefully they'll follow him out.
We podded last night by the way. Consider it a parting gift for Lotan.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up'

Ooh it's a secret eviction. I like seeing the housemates all asleep. Old skool!
Emma making jokes about us hating the new housemates. Hmm.
These housemates are so orange-ist. Poor Morph feels boring already. Ha, Morph and Rebecca are forming a support group of Kieran's cast offs.
Rebecca immediately reporting back to Kieran. What a snitch. Kieran acting like he has some secret with Morph. 'She's my mate's ex girlfriend.' So what. Why did you sleep with her then!
Woah, look how much make up Morph is putting on! It's concealer, not Ronseal.
Why is Rebecca's arm in a sling? Probably from all that stirring.
The soundproofing must be good in the house. Emma's shrill as ever outside and still they don't wake up.
Kieran has been summoned to the 'den of dilemma.' Big Brother is putting him on a date with Savannah and making Isabelle (Morph) wait on them. No shit. He's trying to frame it as being respectful. Wrong answer. Lol at Chanelle: 'They said you're a waiter, doesn't mean you're a good one.' Ha.
Kieran likes a girl who gets dirty. Or pisses on him. I like the fact Isabelle is openly sulking. Quite funny.
I loved Isabelle drenching him in suncream. 'I'm not gonna bite.' He looked SO ANGRY. He's acting so affronted she's there. It's not your house, Kieran. You're not paying rent.
Ha, them asking Kieran what noises Rebecca makes in bed. Bet Chanelle goes WAAAAA.
Tom about Raph: 'He does my head in... boring twat.' The people's housemate, everyone. Raph is upset they're always talking about sex. 'It's not that interesting.' That depends who you're doing it with.
Kieran has made Morph cry. He's ruining her experience by alienating her. Poor thing. She thought 'it would be funny' being with Kieran in the house. I don't know why.
Raph, Deborah and Chanelle playing word association. Lotan: attention seeking. Joe: mean. Isabelle: misunderstood. This is a fun game for all the family.
Lotan thinks Hannah's leaving. Tom on Joe: 'Everyone loves a geezer.' Only if it's Danny Dyer. Otherwise, fack off, you muggy cunt.
Ha, both the new girls are finding it awkward. I actually don't mind either of the new girls. 'Don't mind' is faint praise, though.
Lotan has been called to the den of dilemma. He can hear mean tweets about Ellie or about himself. Please let it be one of mine.
Lotan chose his own. Ellie is crying as if he's a saint. He's just vain and wants to hear his own name. Ha, Ellie has to read them aloud to him.
Lotan 'no one comments if a dog barks at the moon, but if the dog barks back, it'll make the moon faint.' That's Gaz's tattoo of the week sorted. Lotan makes David Brent look profound. Even Ryan Ruckledge is dissing Lotan. Zing.
I can't be bothered to write down the rest of this crap. They are banishing themselves from the party. Oh well.
Lotan: 'I don't speak for everyone.' Makes a change. The other housemates are being martyrs and not having the party.
Rebecca and Lotan are slagging off Deborah for putting mushrooms in the food? And they were slagging off the sisters to the newbies as soon as they came in.
The other housemates enjoying secretly watching Rebecca and the sisters arguing, ha.
Lotan: 'How can that bitch - and I use that word openly...' about Hannah. This guy is a pure cunt. What did she even do? Exist?
Oh the housemates have realised it's an eviction. Boring. I wanna see them tipped out in their dressing gowns.
The sisters calling Lotan 'an ignorant bastard', ha. Ooh, the sisters are slagging off Ellie for leaving her knickers around and Raph laughed.
It's not two faced to talk about someone behind their back in the Big Brother house. I'm sure you've done it, Ellie.
Ooh, the sisters are taking some names! Bring it! Ellie saying 'true colours are showing.' No comment. STFU Ellie, you're irrelevant. 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up.' Really? Tell that to Stephanie Davies.
I love Deborah not apologising to Ellie. Deborah to Ellie: 'You don't have to say everything you think.' Ha.
That chocolate fountain is going to waste. Oh my God, Lotan and Tom are sticking their faces in it.
The sisters are giving Isabelle a pep talk. Good! Get her on side.
Whenever one side is having fun, the other side bitches. Mind you, this is boring. Has Charlotte defected from the exiles? Would anyone notice?
Crowd are chanting 'Get Joe out!' Whoop. Some people are shouting 'get Rebecca out' and Lotan said 'shut up.' Ha. I wouldn't mind Rebecca or Joe going, but ideally Joe.
Ooh, I just noticed Emma actually looks nice. I prefer the slick down hair to the bouffant. Her red pantsuit is nice, too.
Eviction time! 'Get Joe out!' Woo. Omg it's Rebecca. I hate Rebecca, but how does Rebecca go over Joe? Really. Pure sexism. Sigh. Mind you, at least we can wave goodbye to her built in storyline. She looks like she's wearing a bit of old wallpaper.
Rebecca: 'I was a little bit ready to leave.' Well, your roots need doing already. Annoying that Joe outlasted her.
Oh I forgot to blog that whole interview because I couldn't care less. What's next to look forward to on Big Brother? Oh I know, BB19.
Pod on Saturday! If Big Brother is gonna fuck with the days, so can we. Retaliation!

Big Brother UK 2017: Fuck 'em all

Ooh, interesting! Raph is taking the rap for pranks that him AND Chanelle did. Joe: 'I keep telling you about this guy.' About Raph. You can keep telling us all the way out the door, you grumpy sod.
Rebecca complaining in the DR about Joe hating on Raph. At least she likes Raph (or hates Joe more).
Joe telling Raph he's 'slippery'. It was a prank! Get over yourself. Joe seems either VERY depressed or angry in there. 
Lotan is boiling every egg in the house in revenge. Charlotte is taking six eggs for herself. What is she, the Easter bunny?
Chanelle: 'People don't take the time to get to know you, Raph.' Chanelle is still carrying on with the egg smashing. I love her, now. I love her and Raph, that's it.
Chanelle: 'Tom and Lotan take everything so serious.' Aint that the truth. Chanelle is doing some good acting about the eggs. 'I wanted an omlette.' I think she could be the new Karen from BBCAN.
Lotan calling Chanelle 'sweetheart.' He's such a patronising TWAT. My mild dislike of him has rocketed into unbridled hatred.
Blind Date task. Yet another show dating Big Brother is ripping off (yes, I know it's on the same channel). The new housemates are Savannah, Sam and... I've forgotten the other one. Isabelle.
Lotan: 'The first thing people notice about me is my curly hair.' No, it's that you're a knob.
The first thing people notice about contestant number one is that she looks like Morph. Second one is Jay McCray. The Irish one looks the best bet and is the most 'diverse' (lol).
Rebecca is stressed that one of them knows Kieran. Is it Morph?
Ellie is jealous of the Irish girl. Ellie is jealous of... (insert name here - hey Demetres) is getting old.
All the new housemates think they'll clash with Hannah and Deborah. Great, more people who hate the sisters. Just what we need.
Morph isn't going to get into the house saying she fancies Kieran. Savannah fancies Lotan or Kieran. Grim.
Ellie can't believe that Sam fancies her. I can't either, tbh.
This dancing behind a screen thing is probably the most tragic thing I've ever seen on Big Brother, and that's saying something.
Joe is grumping that the outside people have 'info' on them. What's he worried about coming out?! It's not like they're sending in Louis Theroux, it's just a couple of blondes and a meat shield.
Rebecca is worried her storyline is going to go off. It's like when they replace a character on a soap with a new, more attractive actor.
It's bad enough looking like Morph, but the eyebrows aren't helping. The guy actually seems OK. He seems harmless so far.
The old housemates are so bitter. Lotan thinks the lad 'is full of shit.' Um. Chanelle doesn't want someone to come in and 'be a gobby little fuck.' That's her job.
Lotan is right that Morph will wind people (ie. Rebecca) up. Tom and Lotan do 'anything each other says.' Get a room.
Lotan intimidated by Sam's height. I love it. I hope he goes in. What the fuck, they chose the two girls? What a fix letting Lotan and Keiran and Chanelle choose, of course they're going to choose the two girls. Every single decision is a bad one. All we're going to get now is the guys peacocking round the new girls and Ellie and Rebecca being jealous.
I feel like Hitler is producing BB this year, and the BB eugenics task is nearly complete.
Look at Tom acting like the big man with the two new women. Gross! God, please don't let them join the 'clique'.
Ellie likes to be 'the girl with the good personality.' Will you tell her, or shall I?
Savannah just slipped on an egg. Trip hazard! I thought she was Rebecca from behind. Interchangable blondes for the win! Diversity!
Rebecca has come to the diary room and said 'I don't want to be a bitch.' Cut to her being a bitch. Rebecca going 'I don't know what Kieran was thinking' about Morph. Fuck off. Kieran slept with Morph in Ibiza last year. He 'hates tans.' Why fuck Morph then?
Joe is worried about the tan from Morph going in the hot tub. Joe isn't exactly pale and interesting himself.
Joe saying to her: 'Isn't there different shades?' Mind your own business! Don't tell people what colour they can be.
OMG at Chanelle quizzing Isabelle (Morph) about Kieran. 'Did you suck him?' Morph: 'Probably.' Chanelle: 'Did he suck you?' No. Suck what?! Of course he didn't. Men are such selfish twats in bed sometimes.
Lotan trying to chat up Savannah... desperate.
Isabelle is annoyed Kieran said what happened between them. Er... she just told everyone you sucked him off.
Lotan, Kieran and Tom are having a group shower. Lock the cubicle and keep the water running.
Isabelle is sitting with Chanelle and the sisters. That's a good sign.
Lotan at the girl's singing: 'Shut the fuck up, you boring bitches.' Speak for yourself.
Raph is explaining what's going down in the DR and he's happy with the new blood.
Raph going to Rebecca: 'I know who I want to go and it's not you, Hannah or Chanelle.' Lol.
Even the sight of Lotan now sickens me. I HATE HIM. He's my worst one by a mile.
Ellie: 'Fuck 'em all, cunts.' Aw, sad she didn't get the guy who fancies her in there.
Lotan going on about Savannah's size, shut up. I'm sure she's aware she's small.
Savannah seems like she has a brain in her head at least. Oh the lads: 'They're not boyfriend material, but they're comic relief.'
Isabelle thinks Lotan's got a 'good body but an absolute dickhead who makes her cringe inside.' I don't even think he has a good body.
OK, maybe these new girls have got something more to them that first appearances suggest. If they hate Lotan, they can stay. If Raph can rally them up, they've got the numbers to take out the clique and I'll be here for it.
Don't forget it's the eviction tomorrow, not Friday. Save Hannah and Chanelle, please? If Hannah goes over Joe, it would be too depressing. Let's not evict any more minorities, please. The producers are already trying to ethnically cleanse the house, we don't have to help them along.

Big Brother UK 2017: I've got better things to do than discuss fucking eggs

Saw the new housemates on Twitter today. More thick white people! It's like Big Brother is trying to annoy their minority viewers. Give us some people with brains, please. Or at least personalities. One is Kieran's ex! What next, Kieran's mum? Oh, she's already in there.
Chanelle telling Kieran he's sexy when he's angry. Rebecca's gonna come for your edges, whatever the fuck that means.
Joe is a bit intimidating, I think. As are his family members trolling me on my blog - sigh.
Ooh, noms already. Raph nommed Tom for 'caring about airtime' and Joe for his crap 'Bobbys' tattoo. No, for not liking him and for being disrespectful. Raph: 'Girl power.' Lol.
Joe nommed Rebecca and Charlotte: 'I don't even notice she's in the house.' Fair point, nor do I.
Ellie nommed Joe for being negative. Joe does seem miserable as sin in there. Probably worried about his GF on the outside. Ellie also nominated Rebecca, so at least she tooks shots at both sides.
Charlotte nominated Joe for being miserable and Chanelle! Nooooo. Boo. For knocking a drink towards Kayleigh. Who cares!
Chanelle couldn't get through passport control in Turkey because she'd had plastic surgery. Dear oh dear.
Tom: 'Have you ever bent over the mirror and farted?' Entertainment is obviously lacking in Wales.
Rebecca has pissed on someone ie. Keiran. I saw this whole bit on BBBOTS, so what's the point?
Kieran realising what they're talking about takes him a minute. So Kieran is a little bitch in bed. Figures.
Oh, more noms. Deborah nommed Joe and Tom for being 'far up Lotan', ha.
Ooh, Kieran nominated Joe! I'm surprised. And also Chanelle for not washing up. Cop out.
Rebecca nominated Joe for hating women. I think that's probably quite true. She also nominated Hannah for being moody and for singing. Please stop singing.
Hannah nominated Joe for having a go at Rebecca, bit ironic as Rebecca just nommed her. Oh, her second nomination was Rebecca. We're never gonna get rid of Lotan and Kieran.
Tom and Lotan colluding on noms... again.
Deborah has had her cleavage and fanny pierced apparently. Who knew?!
Lotan nominated Hannah and Chanelle. Tom nominated Hannah and Rebecca (I think, I was resetting my phone and I'm not rewinding him).
Chanelle nominated Joe and Rebecca. That argument came back to haunt both of them, didn't it?
Chanelle: 'All Rebecca's bringing is having breakdowns every day.'
The housemates up are Joe, Hannah, Rebecca and Chanelle. Joe doesn't give a fuck. Raph happy he's not 'on the block.'
Deborah: 'It's so predictive.'
What's going on with Raph's orange hair? It's a crappy dye job. Chanelle: 'People don't say it to my face, they lick my arse, but carry on, cos it tastes good, honey.'
Chanelle is doing an inspiring speech. Quite heartwarming really, if a bit sarcastic, haha. Chanelle is pure actressing but at least she's doing something, which is more than 80% of people in there. Lotan calling her fake! Bit rich.
Hannh is having a go at Kieran for not comforting her when she was nominated. Tom coming over and basically intimidating her.
Hannah trying to talk to Lotan and him being so rude to her. Hannah calling Tom 'nosy' and 'extra small.' Ha. See how angry Tom got about it. 'Watch me ruin this joint!' Intimidating. Joe: 'You could have done your hand' as Tom slams his bottle down.
Hannah calling Tom a 'nobody', ha. Him bitching in the DR like a poundland Slim Shady after his latest court battle. Sit down, extra small.
How did Ellie end up in the cool clique? I use those words loosely, but I pronounce them correctly.
Raoh shit stirring that Lotan said 'The nominated people are kicking off, dududududur.' Also threw Ellie's name out there!
Lotan to Hannah: 'Do you mind moving, sweetheart, while I talk to Chanelle?' No problem, darling. The way the guys talk to Hannah is disgusting. It is like she's a second rate citizen in that house. Why could that be... hmm?
Lotan: 'The intellect, or lack of, in this house is killing me.' The irony of him saying those words is almost poetic. Who was he saying 'your voice goes through me' to? I think it was Chanelle.
Tom's upset about being called a nobody. They're all meant to be nobodies.
Hannah: 'Are you somebody? Amazing. Have a good day.' Hannah has stepped up her game.
Raph is being his usual twitchy/ noddy self in the DR, narrating what's going on in the 'season.' He's like an Aldi Dan Gheesling.
Chanelle just broke an egg on the floor for no apparent reason. Rebecca: 'NAH!'
I liked Ellie's 'are you yolking?'
Lotan on Hannah to Tom: 'She hanging herself. Let's ghost her.' Er, racist undertones much! Tom: 'Let's ghost it.' Ah, the people's choice. Aren't we clever. 'Idiot general public' has never been truer.
Chanelle wants to make people's life miserable in case she's going to go. Ha! She's gonna put their clothes in the hot tub and drop some more eggs about. Why not? It's not like there's any intellectuals in the house except Lotan, right, LOL.
Chanelle: 'With Hannah's loudness and my pettiness, the housemates are going to want to walk out when we've finished with them.' Hope so!
Egg gate continues! I love the low level petty warfare of the egg smashing. Chanelle is coming into her own tonight.
Tom threatening to throw food everywhere in retaliation for egg gate in an aggressive manner. He does everything aggressively, he's like a staffy that's been tasered. But no one calls him aggressive.
Joe, Tom and Lotan all with their tops off is making me reconsider my sexuality.
Lotan is conducting an enquiry into egg gate. 'No one man nor a million people' can sway Lotan's opinion. Maybe he can be the new Martin Luther King now Sukvinder's gone.
Rebecca is annoyed that Joe has fingered her for egg gate and said he's a 'nasty old man.' She's a nasty old-looking bitch.
Rebecca is mental, yet not entertaining. Quite a skill there.
Chanelle: 'I've got better things to do than dicuss fucking eggs.' Apparently, I haven't.
Ooh, it's still vote to save! Save Hannah (she proved her worth annoying the other side tonight) and Chanelle.

Big Brother UK 2017: I gnome it's over

So they bump the time slot of Big Brother tonight to 10.30pm so they can show a documentary so depressing no one would voluntarily watch it (I didn't watch, but I know the story and couldn't bear to hear the details again). This is not a good sign for Big Brother, if they care so little they stick it on at bedtime, and shunt the evictions to Thursday for two weeks. Not good.
The 'coming up' for the show looks shit. I hate everyone.
Ellie was 'sick in her sleep.' Um, that's quite dangerous. Ellie basically admits she's a bunny boiler. Ellie 'plus alcohol equals danger'. No it equals a boring TV show.
Joe telling Ellie to sip her drinks, ha.
Lotan is giving Ellie a lecture about fancying him. They have already shown about four more minutes of this conversation than I care about. Lotan's haircut looks like it was done as part of Helen Wood's (drop out) beauty school.
Charlotte and Raph don't like big dicks cos those people are bad in bed. That can definitely be true.
Lotan: 'In here I'm not the dreamboy, I'm just me.' Stop taking your shirt off, then.
Ellie has a nice bum, shame about her IQ.
Chanelle and Kieran are on a secret task. I couldn't quite follow all the rules, but the housemates think one thing and Kieran and Chanelle think another. And there's gnomes.
Kieran has a manbun today. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more of a knob.
Maybe this task is good if I followed the instructions? Everyone seems to be a fan on Twitter. I can't get into it.
What's Lotan mad about? Is he creating a diversion? I can't work it out. I think it's a fake row with Tom. It's like something off Hollyoaks. Rebecca needs to tighten her bra straps.
But the real task is... etc. You know the drill.
Lotan: 'Chico used to be a dreamboy.' Mint banter. 'He used to have long hair and a massive dick.' OK then. They should get Chico on CBB, I actually like him.
I like Chanelle's strategy of 'you don't shave and wear granny knickers when you go on a date so you don't do anything but then you end up having whore sex with a hairy vagina and granny knickers.' Lol. Hannah's face was a picture.
Yay, the housemates are going to get shitfaced again! Drink responsibly, housemates.
Joe in the DR: 'Rebecca's not my cup of tea.' They're going to show him saying that at some point.
The other hms calling Joe 'a flip flopper.' Raph: 'Kindness is not a weakness.' But what about your VT, Raph! Haha.
The sisters are strategising with Raph. Raph has caught the sun.
The housemates are playing truth or dare. Kieran is doing a lapdance for Joe. Anti sexy. I like the fact one of the sister's wigs is just sat on the edge of the sofa like a cat.
Joe has to say 'which housemate is not being their true self.' God, Big Brother loves a shit stir. Joe said Rebecca. Why does he hate Rebecca now? Storyline! Rebecca's face. I would be scared if I was him.
Deborah: 'Joe is mean. He could have said that in a better way.' True. He enjoyed saying it nastily.
Joe is starting on Rebecca again. 'It's not that I don't like you, it's that you irritate me.' Lovely!
Joe: 'The way you talk, the way you smile, the way you act.' Ouch! Joe is definitely not 30 years older than Rebecca.
Was Kieran even there when that happened? Rebecca is moaning he didn't stick up for her.
I like the awkward silence with Joe, Kieran and Rebecca.
Ooh, Joe looming at Rebecca! 'Back away from me now!' Joe: 'Don't bring my daughter into it!' Rebecca: 'I'm somebody's daughter.' She only said 'how would you like someone speaking to your daughter like that'. She didn't say his daughter was an idiotic bint who calls everyone 'babes.' Unrelated: Joe's daughter started on me on Twitter the other day, haha.
Kieran: 'You deserve it' to Rebecca. What a nice guy. What a good friend.
Joe is sitting back chilling now. Rebecca, he didn't start on your appearance. He said your smile annoyed him. I suppose that is part of your appearance though.
Rebecca: 'I'm a thirty two year old woman.' And the rest! No fucking way am I five years older than her, she is in her early forties.
I like Chanelle's unicorn pyjamas. I liked Rebecca calling Joe 'potentially violent', ha.
Rebecca is a little nutty, no? BB calling Kieran to the DR to sort things out with his mum. The DR body language is good.
I didn't think Kieran was there when they had the first conversation! I never saw him.
Well, that was worth staying up for! I'm definitely going to be watching BBBOTS until half midnight! Er...
Have you heard the pod yet? It's a loooooooong ting. Look, Arisa Cox likes it, so if it's good enough for her, it's good enough for you!

Big Brother UK 2017: I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit

Oh Jesus. How to carry on? Just keep swimming, I guess. Think of the pod.
Kieran's 'bird is the word' thing is good, isn't it? *kills self*
Oh they don't know Kayleigh's gone yet. Only Rebecca knows the smack Kayleigh was talking in the DR. But will she be honest about it?
Chanelle: 'How can you get mad about someone perceiving you in a certain way when that's how you act?' Good point. Chanelle said Ellie and Rebecca like Kayleigh. Why?!
Tom and Ellie are baking a cake for Raph and singing an annoying song. It's no 'cooking an egg', is it.
Chanelle saying Kayleigh came up 'against a queen' ie her. 'I'm sure she'll be fine with her big fanbase.' Ha.
Rebecca has a maid? Chanelle: 'I'd rather not have that and not be a mard arse whiny princess.' I think I'd rather have the maid.
No one looked that bothered when they found out Kayleigh left. Charlotte and Rebecca are victim blaming. 'When you're angry you say things you don't mean.' What, like you're going to stab someone with a sharp object? They don't actually know the real reason Kayleigh went. Oh hold on, Rebecca does. She just chose to ignore it.
Chanelle: 'She's deffo going to unfollow me.' How were they already following each other?!
Tom and Hannah are making up.. ish. I like Hannah's plaits.
Rebecca still trying to work out why Kayleigh left. Unbelievable. 'It's just an absolute, massive shame.' No it isn't.
Raph going to Lotan: 'Chanelle never threatened Kayleigh.' Go Raph! Kayleigh got evicted, Kayleigh was the one who took it too far, so wind your fucking neck in Lotan, you dumb twat.
Lotan sees himself as the house peacemaker when actually he's the house douchebag.
Big Brother wants to throw Raph a party but he has to do some shit first. Like singing happy birthday in four languages. Cute. Never seen Raph happier than in the DR on his own. Big Brother has finally sussed he's our fave and is giving him some airtime!
Cool, Big Brother giving Raph a quiz about Big Brother! Amazing. OMG the way Raph said the words 'Helen Wood'. What a legend. I love Raph! How knows dates things happened! I don't know those sorts of details. Finally he had to custard pie himself in the face. He is the cutest. Feels like Big Brother actually got a clue with that bit. It felt old skool.
Aw, Raph's got a cake with his face on. I'm glad they did something nice for him.
I wonder what music they're really dancing to at Raph's silent disco? Something shit, no doubt.
Raph looks kinda hot in the bath, just got to put that out there.
The other housemates are so crap. People say they like Charlotte but I don't. Fucking pointless. Anti-tainment.
Chanelle: 'I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit.' I actually found that pretty funny.
Raph and Chanelle are buzzing in the DR! They have the cutest friendship. I'm sure Kayleigh leaving was a cherry on the cake. Bed buddies! Aw.
Raph: 'We both want to make the most of this experience have have a good time.'
Haha, Big Brother is obviously annoyed they're enjoying themselves so it shitstirs about nomination rule breaks. Ellie and Tom got sent to jail. You shouldn't be allowed to drink in jail. Oh yeah, the jail is the bus stop. I never even realised before, ha.
Even the grumpy sisters are having a laugh in the DR now! What's going on!?
Lotan threw water on Rebecca and said 'can't tell me you didn't get a bitch wet.' Charmed, I'm sure.
Chanelle has a long tongue. She's very coarse, but there's still something sweet about her underneath.
Ellie and Tom seem like genuine friends, even though I can't stand either of them.
Lotan is so irrelevant. I wish they'd stop showing him.
Deborah: 'Rebecca's written a book and I don't even know what the book's called.' I doubt very much if she wrote her own book.
Raph doesn't like Lotan calling women bitches. Yes, Raph!
They are now discussing who should pay on a first date. How long before this ends in a row?
Lotan's never been on a date he's just 'always ended up with people.' Uh huh. Slag.
Chanelle fancies Jeremy Kyle! 'Put something on the end of it.'
Ellie is drunk and touching Lotan up.
Lotan is carping to Tom about Ellie touching him up. Just tell her to stop it.
Joe is giving Ellie a pep talk. Ellie is crying because she's shitfaced. OK, enough with this storyline now. We get it. We don't care.
Tonight felt more like Big Brother than normal. If Rebecca, Kieran, Lotan and Ellie weren't in there with their shitty fake showmances, I could just about stomach it but the last 15 minutes let us down. When is the new blood coming?