Goodbye, Big Bro

'I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go' as Morrissey once sang, and today, I know the feeling.
I haven't blogged in while but it felt only fitting to use a dying format to say goodbye to a friend of 18 years, Big Brother. I do think BBUK will continue, like Glenn from The Walking Dead coming out from the dumpster 'in one form or another', and it definitely still exists in one form or another internationally, and for that, I'm grateful.
Big Brother has meant so much to me over the years, from making friends, forming relationships, blogging, podcasting, arguing online, arguing in real life, arguing because we care, we fucking care about this thing that yes, IS still on, except now... it isn't.
The ironic part is that it feels like things are just kicking off for our BB on Blast podcast in the past year or so, getting to go to the house, getting invited to talk to the producers, becoming mates with Arisa, host of BB Canada, and it can't all be for nothing, can it? Can it?
Big Brother on C5 is often slated, but thinking back over the moments we've had over the past few years, there's been a lot of really, really good ones. I'll leave it for the other fansites to take you on that trip down memory lane, but from Danny Wisker and his canoe to Kim Woodburn's 'adulterer!' madness, it's been a wild ride, both 'civillian' and celeb. I still don't really understand why C5 is killing the top rated show it has, but they have made a lot of bad decisions recently (removing Lewis, for example). I won't be tuning into whatever brain rot they put on instead. BB is life, C5 is not.
Will it go to Netflix? I feel like there's been a hell of a lot of hints. And I don't even mind it having 'a rest' for six months. But come on. We need UK Big Brother. The audience is there, and on Netflix, the international audience is there also. We could have live feed again! I know, I'm a dreamer. 
Last night was such a (!) blast. We were invited to the house, met in the pub beforehand, and were sent more free drinks from a mystery benefactor than I should have drunk. Trevor Boris, aka Marsha the Moose, came by to say hi! He didn't have to. Paul Osborne got Lewis and Mollie, hardcore BB fans onto the guest list with us, he didn't have to.
We passed Brooke and Tomasz and got smuggled into the camera runs, and saw the four housemates sat on mental chairs up the corner. It didn't feel real. We went in the task room and Gaz stuck his hand in a mystery box full of goo and probably still hasn't washed it. We were given a Big Coin each; what a treat! We didn't expect these things. We were lucky.
Jarrod and Matt held up signs. I held Garry's hand as votes were announced, and Gaz held mine, too. Mollie, Lewis, Gaz and I sipped on contraband vodka from my hipflask (wannabe edgy). Alfie was there, Chris, Jonnie... all friends I didn't have but now have, thanks to Big Brother. We sang to All These Things That I've Done which played over the highlights, my favourite Killers song, and one I'd just put on my Desert Island Discs for work the week before. How did you know, Big Brother? How did you know? It was magic.
The old housemates were all there, right by us, all except Ellis, Isaac (what did he have to do that was better?!) and you know who: the real winner, Lewis.
Emma cried. Half the grown men I was with cried. My eyes were watering all the way home, but I think I was just drunk! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  
We watched and I booed Cameron and called him a misogynist, but I didn't really care anymore. It was all love and light on the night, probably because I was so hammered. It was about more than who won last night. It was about a story ending.
OK: so now I'm going to watch the episode as it's such a blur when you're there. It was a peculiar final, too short, the wrong finalists (debatably) and little fanfare or nostalgia, really. If I hadn't been there, I'm not sure how it would have felt to watch on TV alone. Looking at Twitter, the overall feeling was rushed, but I've sat through finals that have been too long, too.
OK, so there were some token throwback highlights at the start, including C4 stuff. We were screaming for Kinga! I note the prick in tinfoil also got shown, and even Aaron Allard Morgan!
First up, let me clarify, I have never 'whoop whoop'ed in my life and never will. I feel like that's important to state.
It's mad to think Big Brother started in the year 2000, when I was 20! I remember it like it was yesterday, specifically the Nasty Nick times. We had a Nasty Nick shrine, FFS. It's no wonder I've never grown up, maybe I've just been stuck being 20 since then. It would explain a lot.
Emma IMO did not look that emotional, but I'm not keen on her anyway. I thought her velveteen robe dress made her look a bit Cruella De Ville too. See how she said, 'Quite possibly the last champion'. They have been saying shit like this the whole way.
OMG I totally heard Lewis (my friend Lewis, not Lewis F) shout 'Netflix' as to what the future holds for Big Brother, ha and Emma giggled.
Emma saying 'time is most definitely not on our side' = C5 shade. The eviction outfits aren't great, I must say. We've seen them all before. Zoe looked the best, Akeem just looked like he had his work shirt on. I was surprised they had to do a two by two eviction on the final night but it was the right two to go first. Cian was fourth and Zoe was third. She seemed very happy to be going with Cian. When you're there, you can't hear a word they say in their interviews, so I was interested to see this.
Ugh I hate Emma's hair so much (might as well say it for the last time). Blonde does not suit her and nor does the Donald Trump bouffant. She used to have the coolest short hair when it was dark and slick. FAIL.
Wow, there was 1% between Zoe and Cian! Not surprising, they are replacement level housemates. He is bit fake and a bit of a buttkiss, whereas she's real, but a misery guts.
Not much of interest in their interview, Cian was a bad friend, Zoe has periods.
Was interesting when Emma told them it was the last ever series and Zoe went 'flipping heck.' That made me sad.
Ooh the housemates going in to The Killers. How GOOD does Lewis look giving that peace sign, DAMN. Btw, shout out to Sian's red hair, it looked fabulous. Nice to see all these clips of Lewis. Criminal he wasn't there because of a joke (admittedly a really bad taste joke). Still gutted we were denied his best bits and interview. I paid good money to keep him in this house. Mind you, this highlights package is pretty Lewis heavy. At this point in the crowd we were SCREAMING 'I've got soul but I'm not a soldier!' (Ooh, I just found a good fanmade Lewis best bits on YouTube)
That was actually a really good clips package of the entire series Big Brother did there.
Why they gave Lewis G the airtime to promote his single, I don't know, but I enjoyed chanting 'off' and 'who are ya.' Disgusting to see Hussain there and not have Lewis there. Yuck. The only clothing line Hussain will be bringing out is in his mum's back garden (sorry if someone already did that joke on Twitter, I haven't looked that far down yet!)
Cameron was shaking like a shitting dog waiting for that announcement. Well done mate, great gameplan. Now fix up your YouTube if you've learnt anything in the house. Hopefully it's that equality isn't being allowed to punch women in the face and coming out (one of the times) by calling yourself 'bent' isn't a great look. 
I voted for Akeem to win, but I wasn't bothered about him coming second. He was a nice guy but he's no Lewis. His best bit was probably when his dog went in. Doing the two thumbs up for the photographers too, dearie me. That is so Akeem.
Lol at Emma saying Akeem gave it 110%. Emma: 'You have been phenomenal' to Akeem and him going 'I have.' Ha! Bold.
Ah, Akeem seems quite emotional in his interview! Emma telling him his parents are on holiday, ha.
Akeem: 'I do a lot of training and delivery for my job.' No shit!
The most exciting thing about Cameron winning was seeing Tony Dadley walk right by me in the audience. I booed and tried to get me giving him the thumbs down on camera but I'm too short! Haha.
Tony Dadley going, 'Do you know what you've done?' If the answer is, 'Played the idiot general public?' The answer, I'm pretty sure is, yes.
Cameron: 'I thought I was going to be irritating, annoying, I moan a lot..' Weeellll. Emma right up his arse. Well, we know she's a misogynist too (just ask Hazel). It's just 'his storm'. Like going 'Kill all Jews' was just Lewis's storm another year. Funny how it works, isn't it.
Don't get me wrong, I actually think Cameron was a good housemate, and an interesting and entertaining one. The only downside is his previous behaviour, blatant gameplaying (coming out three times, please) and fake storylining (seeing a ghost, for example). But he was good to watch and bitch about. There, I said it. I hope he has learnt something, I really do and I hope he doesn't spend 100 grand on Brexit stickers and Trump colouring books.
I'm glad Emma actually ackknowledged Lewis's existence in Cameron's interview and the importance of their friendship.
Emma going 'You have won Big Brother not Lewis'. Yet he would have had he been there.
Cameron had only come out to five people before (and Twitter). This crap that he never planned to come out in the house is one of the most bullshit things I've ever heard. Don't insult my intelligence.
Emma telling Cameron he won the last Big Brother. He genuinely looked upset. Yes, genuine emotion at last !
Was amazed Emma mentioned Davina and Brian at the end. Brian! First bit of respect he's been shown in a while.
Oh Emma did actually look upset at the end there. When she said 'it's time for this house to find a new home' you can hear Gaz scream, haha. Apparently they're demolishing it this week. Rubbish.
I feel they could have done more with the end. The voices bit is a good call back but could have gone on for a few more minutes.
'Big Brother will get back to you' - well, you'd better. I had to cuddle several weeping grown men at that point, you don't know what you've done, Big Brother!
I just watched a BBBOTS too and Emma and Rylan's emotions seemed very real. I actually blubbed. They are right that it seemed like the most Big Brother series for ages. The production values were on point, and the tasks were fantastic.
I think you'll find BBBOTS was Russell Brand's baby though, let's be real. Big Mouth was so fucking good.
Cameron in his BBBOTS interview on coming out: 'I couldn't have written it any better.' That's because you did write it, duh.
Wow to Rylan saying 'Me, Marcus and Emma will make sure Big Brother will get back to you.' Strong words! Yet why all the tears then? It's hell to hope. 
So will I do with my evenings now? Wait for CBBUS? Watch old BBUKs (must be time to do a new 'Blast from the past' episode... even if it is BBUK4, eek)? Have a social life?
To all my BB fam, I know we'll stay talking. I've genuinely made some of the best friends I have from people I've met, to people I haven't, who live an ocean away. It's the way we met and our common connection, but we will be friends regardless. We've been lucky to have the show for 18 years, nearly half my life. We'll be lucky if it comes back. And if it doesn't? We've got each other.

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PS: Keep listening to BB on Blast! We'll cover US and Canada. Send in any bbuk finale feedback to bbonblastpod@gmail.com before Friday. Love you!

Big Brother 2014: S.T.E.V.E.N.P.U.S.H.O.F.F

I haven't written a blog since I was called shallow and illiterate - too busy crying. Not really, I've been wondering how they're gonna fix Big Brother next. At least I predicted it in my last blog; we were enjoying the show too much; they had to ruin it again, by putting the favourite up. And the most scary part was, Steven could have been saved from the block with that stupid twist. That could have actually happened. Scary, isn't it?
Why has Zoe got a hunchback? Perhaps she's growing a tail. New housemates got shafted big time by the old housemates this week; they're not gameplanning, they're just boring. I actually feel a bit sorry for them because they're being ostracised for no reason. Helen's dressed like X Factor US era Cheryl Cole.
They are showing Ashleigh saying she doesn't think she's going! Mixers. It's another few quid in the pocket of Bruv, innit.
The old housemates patronising Pav is quite annoying. I wish Winston would get off his case.
I don't think Chris needs tasks that make him look more creepy. And I don't think Zoe gives many 'lob ons'. Mark is more assaulting Christopher than arousing him.
BBUK housemates are not cut out for endurance. Good to see them strategising already, though. Steven: 'I could stay here all night.' Just like his sex sessions. I see the gunge is back. They must have got a job lot off ebay. But the REAL task is... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Get who out? Sounds like Zoe. Yet she had the fewest votes, WTF. I don't get why Pav is getting booed.
Kimberly is Steve's friends and family now. Tragic. Are they chanting 'cheat' at her? I wish Steven's mum would fuck off. That friends and family section went on for aeons.
Why don't Mark and Steven judge the newbies on face value and not on hearsay?
Mark treats Christopher like a piece of shit. He's like a mini Pauline the way he treats Christopher. His game has gone out the window this week.
Steven it's too late for 'journey' talk. Hit the road. Did Zoe really say she was only fit to talk to celebs? Dearie me. And once she was safe, too!
Are the crowd really chanting 'get Pav out'? But it was Steven! Thank god.
He has to have the eye shut during his interview like a proper hate figure. He looks under the cosh. Of course you don't agree with people putting you up, idiot.
No 30 seconds to say goodbye to Kimberly, boo hoo. Steven didn't look embarrassed about ANY of his highlights. Shameless.
Five people have had sex in the Big Brother house? Is the odd number Kinga?
Emma going on at Steven about the sex. Blah. Ooh, she's mentioning him being controlling, good. And the photos. Steven doesn't get it and will never get it. I honestly think he's unhinged.
Ooh, he's put on a few pounds in the house, hasn't he. No ham on toast in his best bits? Poor cow.
Kimberly nearly got smacked on the head with the eye. Their cuddle was so awkward! Steven wants booze, not robo-fanny. I doubt if his mum will leave his side all night, the interfering old bag.
We have the power to protect a housemate? The REAL task will probably be that they get the boot. This is what happens when you lose the trust of your viewers. That and your ratings go the way of Mark's popularity. Night!

The Apprentice: Don't flummox in the kitchen

Fast food task! This is the second fast food related show I've watched this week. Hope their hygiene standards are better than in SFC.
What's going on with Natasha's fringe? Jim: 'I've got two girls on board who need a bit of direction.' Arsehole! Why can't Natasha do it if she did that in her degree?
I don't like the way Helen deals with Tom, she's patronising.
Do you think Karren doesn't like the Mexican idea? No? Whatever gave you that idea? Moustaches! Cactuses! Sombrero! That's almost racist.
Caracka's?! WTF. Why has it got an apostrophe in it? Does it belong to Caraka? I hope Jim's team goes down this week. In flames!
I didn't know Christopher Columbus wasn't British. Where the fuck is he from, then?
Have you ever eaten 100% British? I'd bloody hope so, living in.. er, Britain.
I physically hate Helen, blaming Tom when she fluffed her speech. He didn't do anything! I hate people who blame others for their own errors, it's cowardly.
Boardroom. Are Jim and Helen getting it on? They exchanged two lingering looks in the boardroom. Yay, Tom through to the final. But no prize? Tight buggers. I hope Jim goes.
Why are they filming them in this weird half light? It's like zombie movie Apprentice. Hope Jim gets eaten.
Jim, charming? He's about as charming as Fred West. Natasha saying 'key things' makes me want to projectile vomit. Next she'll be calling things 'challenging'.
OK, I think he's going to sack Natasha now cos of her hospitality credentials.
Fight. Flight. Shite. Also, there's no such thing as a 'flighter'.
Sugar likes Jim's spirit! I don't. Tom FTW.
PS. Sorry about this blog. I went out tonight so it's not to my usual standards. I'm tired and need to go bed.

The Apprentice: Grab it operationally

Selling stuff task! Don't like Alan calling Tom a nodding dog. He looks even hotter without his glasses, if that's possible. No, not Alan, you pervert.
Melody: pound shop fail. No one buys a £50 or even a £25 watch in a pound shop. They buy toilet roll and four cans of Pepsi. Dur.
Are you allowed to just pitch up and sell stuff on the street? No. Jim seems to be doing well. Tom seems to be doing well. Probably because he's on his own without some power-crazed woman barking at him (this isn't sexist, this is based on past experience facts).
Defensive-gate! Natasha and Jim should both be lined up and shot. Fast.
Karren looks mad! What's the matter with her? Did she pick up her scarf at Poundsave? Looks like it an' all.
Smug Helen or whatever her name is is getting some airtime this week. It's the first time they've even bothered showing her, so maybe she's about to fall off her perch.
That music they were playing when Helen took on Melody was ridiculous. I'd still rather Melody stayed in over Helen cos at least she's a grafter.
Looming up at people in the street to sell things is an odd tactic. I'd run for it.
Why is Jim doing so well this week? Even Nick's took a shine to him. Oh, they've got nodding dogs on their side. Melody and Tom are going to be fucked again, even with Queen Smug on their side.
What is up with Natasha? Why has she got that hat on? Why does she talk like that? Yeah it really brings out the best in me when your manager tells you to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. She's inspirational!
OMG I hate Natasha more than Melody this week. Is that possible?
Boardroom times. Why is Helen sticking it to Melody so hard already? Where's the loyalty?
Ooh, Tiggy's getting mad. He's knocking points off like he's on Shooting Stars. Oh, and now he's taken their treat off them! He's like a grumpy old dad going 'here's what you WOULD have won.' Well guess what, daddy, I didn't want to go in those clapped out old vintage cars anyway, so shove it. So do they get to go to a slightly less grotty cafe?
Surely Tom should survive this week. It's got to be Melody for the chop. How old is Helen? She looks like she could be anything from 30 to 45. She dresses like Margaret Thatcher. Oh don't cry, Melody, your 80s eye make-up will run. That sort of shading doesn't look waterproof.
Ooh Tom's got a dossier of evidence against Melody and Helen. I'd love it if Helen went this week! Imagine her face! I don't want Melody to go in a way. She's a little fighter. She's a pitbull!
Helen is an executive assistant to a CEO. That's a tough job, but it doesn't make her a business woman.
Oh god, I'm really scared Tom's going to go. Does he have a core of steel? I think he's got a core of marshmallow. But that's what's nice about him.
Oh, Melody got the boot! Is he going to go into business with Tom? Why else would he keep him around for so long? At least Tiggy gave Melody some props. Bye My Melody.
UGH I hate Helen so much, having a dig at Tom at the end. ANYONE to win but her. JIM. SUSIE. ANYONE. NATASHA? Oh God, maybe not.

The Apprentice: Half douche, half biscuit

Lord Sugar's in the kitchen? Well don't just stand there, stick the kettle on, you miserable old shrew. Oh, biscuit task. The best biscuit has already been invented; the Toffypop. Rarely seen, but when you find them, they are fucking AMAZING. They are more cake than biscuit, really. I could eat a packet, easy. My other fave biscuit are the posh thick orange chocolate ones from M&S. They are ace. I try not to have those in the house.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.

The Apprentice: Teapot tyrants

Roll up, roll up for the entrepreneurial elite! They're off to France. Will Tom soar as team leader? Will Susie lead Venture or that other rubbish team name to victory?
Do the French like their children? They don't like tourists, I know that much. Especially not English ones *bad flashbacks*.
I quite like the teapot light and the pop-up postcards. Melody is grating on my nerves. So, you speak French? People at my work speak about ten languages each. Not me, obviously. But them. And they don't brag about it. They just listen in on other people who are speaking French having conversations.
People DO use cars in France! I hate the Paris Metro *bad flashbacks*.
Melody is running rings around Tom, just because she can. I don't like her domineering attitude. He should tell her what's what.
And whilst I like the teapot, I wouldn't pay more than a tenner for it.
Oh Susie, it must be so EMBARRASSING being able to fit your arse into a child seat. No, it's embarrassing having to take up two seats on a aeroplane, you insensitive sap.
I don't like seeing my little Tom under pressure. I want to give him a cuddle.
Melody seems to be on fire. Even though she's a complete arsehole, she can sell.
Eek, worried Susie took it at the end with her mobile phone holders.
Melody should take the fall tonight. She dissed that car seat product hard. I'm really concerned Tom is going to go. *This is my concerned face*.
Flying lessons as a treat? No thanks, I'll pass. I'd rather to to the greasy spoon.
I've never even noticed that woman before who got the 200K deal. Surely she's going to win the whole thing?! DARK HORSE. She looked well smug at the end.
Melody reminds me of someone I work with who gets on my nerves. It's that one-tone voice, going on and on.
Orlando Bloom did fuck all tonight. Alan is right to have a go at him. But I don't want him, Tom or Melody to go, really. They're all good characters.
I want a 'Woman of the Future' award! I think Melody has said 'absolutely' about 12 thousand times tonight.
Yeah, Orlando has been 'on the ground' selling. He's been 'out in the field'. In a shopping mall.
Paper scissors stone gate! Melody's safe so either way we're going to lose some totty. Darn it.
Ah, Orlando went. Back to wooden acting for him. Tom survives again. Next week; Tom models himself on Melody by wearing dramatic eyeliner and setting up secret deals with Tunnocks.

The Apprentice: How do you blow your load?

5.45am wake up call? The world of business is not for me. I'm busy taking a stroll down blanket street towards the Land of Nod at that time of morning.
Why is Lordy talking to them from off a balcony? Balconies do make everything sexier, don't they? Except this.
Ooh, they are creating magazines. Look at Glenn winking at Jim, is he going to pinch his arse, too? Guess who's not taking who back into the boardroom if it all goes willys up.
OMG this Natasha person is ODIOUS. Lads mags. What a dick she is. The other team are doing over 60s. Even worse! Over 60s just read puzzle books or newspapers *generalising*.
My mum is over 60, though, and she certainly doesn't bowl. She just drinks in an armchair and watches ITV cos 'there's nothing good on the other channels'.
OMG! Glenn said older people might not understand humour. Uh-oh. Nick is LIVID.
Why have they chosen this demographic?! They know fuck all about it. The hatchet man is coming for Jim this week, mark my words. Alan's been gunning for him from a few week's back.
I like the suggestion of calling the mag 'Zimmer'. All their suggestions sounded like the names of hair colours or face creams.
Lads mags focus group. Even writing the words 'lads mags' annoys me. No, I won't put the apostrophe in. Who reads magazines? Women! Women in their 20s and 30s. Are they stupid? Oh.
More names for the mag: Pension mention? Old boot? Hip replacement! WTF? Are they mental? Oh, Jim, you're going DOWN. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN. 'Life Begins' would have been a much better title.
I was going to lazily call my blog 'Pulp Friction' but that just got replaced, quick smart.
So the lads mags team are objectifying women for their task. Lush. Then they went up to people in the street and asked them 'how do you blow your load?' Fucking hell. Did the other team spike their drinks with Viagra? And they said they were 'raising the tone' of lads mags! *insert raising something else joke here*
At least the branding on the lads mag looks good. The OAPs one is gross.
I feel like Glenn and Jim are having a competition to out-douche each other. What a pair of bozos.
Do you ever open the door to a delivery man and go 'I'm the editor of Covered magazine?' Me neither. Do sex and business mix? Only in bad pornos.
Oh, the advertisers don't like the title 'hip replacement'? I'm really shocked by that. *straightface* Nick is gunning for Jim! I think Nick would happily whack Jim over the head with a shovel and bury the body in his back garden, then walk away whistling.
Natasha is 'uber, 100% taking the last one.' What's that? Medal in the bad-cliche competition? Cunt trophy?
Advertising looks like a very boring industry. I don't think Jim would know edgy if Nick pushed him off one.
OMG I hate Natasha soooo much. 'Dollar in your pocket'. Fuck off.
Also, over 60s don't really go on the tube, which is where you get those free mags. Why is that woman slagging off cardigans? I wear cardigans pretty much every single day. Mind you, I do work for a charity. It's virtually the dress code.
I don't think Glenn or Jim understand humour, which is ironic, as they're both a walking joke.
LOL to Alan being sexist to Karren. MISOGYNY in the boardroom. Well, I never.
Jim is going. I'm telling you. I'd blow my load on it.
It's all very well for Susie to go 'I didn't back the title' but she backed it by not arguing against it better. And Jim can blame Zoe for thinking of it, but he was virtually blowing HIS load over it. Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS, as the scunt-wearing arseholes say.
LOL Jim and Glenn are arguing! Is love's young dream over so soon? Winky winky. Never mind, they'll probably still drag all the girls back in the boardroom, like they do every week.
Susie's catchphrase should be 'that's so unfair!' followed by a sad face. Grow a fucking spine, ffs.
Nick is digging Jim out. I think he's going to put a bag over his head on the way home and give him the Phil and Masood treatment.
Haha, Alan just made me laugh with his Agatha Cristie play joke. I'm losing my grip on life.
Can't believe Susie is only 21. But bringing up your age is a deluded Big Brother contestant move.
OMG he fired Glenn! What about Jim?! Double eviction? Don't get me wrong, I hate Glenn. But JIM! Golden opportunity! Jim stayed. My load has been blown. And it was no fun.
PS: sorry for all the asterisks, I'm in a funny mood today.***********

The Apprentice: Stig of the grump

Well, hello there. Who's gonna get it this week? Jim or Glenn, I hope. Ah, this week they're dealing with OPR (other people's rubbish). I'm sure Melody will lap this up. I can't imagine Orlando doing manual labour. I reckon Zoe could kick a bit of arse, though. I notice Jim's not volunteering this week. I wonder why (TARGET)?!
LOL to them trying to steal someone's BBQ as 'rubbish'. Being stuck in a car with Melody and NatashA-I'd take my chances in the back of the bin lorry.
This task lacks the glamour of previous weeks. What are they going to do next time; make them go work in an abattoir? I could see them ruthlessly trying to mark up offaland sell it as gourmet.
Whether Suzie is being dense or not, Zoe is talking to her like she's a piece of shit. I can't work out what's going on in this task. Does that mean she can come round to my house and talk to me like I'm a particularly slow child?
Boo to the sexist scrap merchant telling the women to 'go down the hairdressers'.
I like seeing them doing menial tasks because it shows who's not afraid to get their hands dirty.
I don't want Tom's team to lose again! Melody talks like that voice you hear when you send a text message to a landline. She has just less than that amount of warmth and humanity.
Yay, Tom's team won! Praise the Lord.
Why does Glenn hate Edna so much? She seemed to be pulling her weight in the task. And why is Zoe up Glenn's arse? Because they are both equally cunty. Don't think I didn't notice him saying, 'I'm not being funny, but...' earlier. I DID.
Ah, more women brought back into the boardroom! Suzie is such a whiny baby, I'm sick of her.
Ah, Edna went. I didn't mind Edna. I liked her psychobabble. Her resooomay was impressive, honest, Lord Sugar. She told CEOs what to do.
NB. People who say 'work hard, play hard.' Don't.