The Apprentice: The Final

Two blogs in a row! I should be getting paid for this shit.
Look at Helen's limp hair. No wonder she always has it in a bun. Jim's crab eyes are on overdrive. Alan won't choose him, Alan doesn't like him. He could go wild and choose Susan, I suppose, but I suspect it's going to be between Helen and Tom.
I hate the interview parts! I'm glad they've shaken up the format though, it needed it. This first interviewer is the biggest cock. As if someone writes things in their CV to suggest they're floundering.
Cliches, buzz words and blarney! Jim looks like he wasn't to punch that dude in the face but had to swallow it. He'll probably go and punch a mirror later.
Even thought Susan is rubbish I can't help liking her a bit.
Jim's pony analogies were quite funny. It's that sort of shit that got him on the show, though. I don't think Jim knows what a cliche is. That's just his vernacular.
Tom's business plan sounds rubbish. Chairs are boring. Still, Tom to win!
Helen could look better as well as be more likeable if she only loosened up a bit. I think she feels to 'be successful in business' you have to be this sewn up, straight serious thing. You can be in business and still be pretty, relaxed and fun (or quirky, like Tom). Her business plan is being destroyed as well. She doesn't need the contacts, though, but Alan would have them if she went into partnership with him.
LOL to Susan admitting she paid her staff in cash and avoided the taxman. Whoops. She's probably going to get arrested on the way out.
If it was an arse-kissing competition, Jim could walk away with the sash right now.
Helen it is super creepy to say that work is more important that your social and personal life. YOU ARE A ROBOT. That joke thing was bad.
That Mark dude being sexist about his wife! Arsehole. No wonder he can smell bullshit, he's probably bathing in it. I think Susan is doing well up against him.
That guy is mean making fun of Jim's salary.
I like Margaret's jazzy boardroom jacket. Karren must be under pressure with her staring her out.
Bit rich of them to moan at Jim for cliches and then that Mark dude goes 'it's like trying to nail custard to the ceiling'.
I think he's going to pick Tom. it's not his fault he didn't mention chairs, he's dyslexic. Please pick Tom!
Doesn't seem like Alan likes any of these business plans! Who's he going to let hitch their apple wagon to his star? I liked it when Jim accidentally called him Sugar. Sugar tits!
Bye Jim. That writing was on that wall long ago. Susan understands that she didn't understand. Bless her. Alan wanted to get into the cosmetic industry? Who knew? Which part?!
Why are they filming up Helen's nose like that? I hope if she loses she pulls that bun off and does an evil cackle. Stick your second business plan, Helen. You had your chance.
Yay, Tom spoke up. Tom's hand wrapped parcel: match point.
Tom wonned it! I couldn't be happier. Helen had nothing left at the end. Right, can I go get on with my life now?

The Apprentice: Don't flummox in the kitchen

Fast food task! This is the second fast food related show I've watched this week. Hope their hygiene standards are better than in SFC.
What's going on with Natasha's fringe? Jim: 'I've got two girls on board who need a bit of direction.' Arsehole! Why can't Natasha do it if she did that in her degree?
I don't like the way Helen deals with Tom, she's patronising.
Do you think Karren doesn't like the Mexican idea? No? Whatever gave you that idea? Moustaches! Cactuses! Sombrero! That's almost racist.
Caracka's?! WTF. Why has it got an apostrophe in it? Does it belong to Caraka? I hope Jim's team goes down this week. In flames!
I didn't know Christopher Columbus wasn't British. Where the fuck is he from, then?
Have you ever eaten 100% British? I'd bloody hope so, living in.. er, Britain.
I physically hate Helen, blaming Tom when she fluffed her speech. He didn't do anything! I hate people who blame others for their own errors, it's cowardly.
Boardroom. Are Jim and Helen getting it on? They exchanged two lingering looks in the boardroom. Yay, Tom through to the final. But no prize? Tight buggers. I hope Jim goes.
Why are they filming them in this weird half light? It's like zombie movie Apprentice. Hope Jim gets eaten.
Jim, charming? He's about as charming as Fred West. Natasha saying 'key things' makes me want to projectile vomit. Next she'll be calling things 'challenging'.
OK, I think he's going to sack Natasha now cos of her hospitality credentials.
Fight. Flight. Shite. Also, there's no such thing as a 'flighter'.
Sugar likes Jim's spirit! I don't. Tom FTW.
PS. Sorry about this blog. I went out tonight so it's not to my usual standards. I'm tired and need to go bed.

The Apprentice: Grab it operationally

Selling stuff task! Don't like Alan calling Tom a nodding dog. He looks even hotter without his glasses, if that's possible. No, not Alan, you pervert.
Melody: pound shop fail. No one buys a £50 or even a £25 watch in a pound shop. They buy toilet roll and four cans of Pepsi. Dur.
Are you allowed to just pitch up and sell stuff on the street? No. Jim seems to be doing well. Tom seems to be doing well. Probably because he's on his own without some power-crazed woman barking at him (this isn't sexist, this is based on past experience facts).
Defensive-gate! Natasha and Jim should both be lined up and shot. Fast.
Karren looks mad! What's the matter with her? Did she pick up her scarf at Poundsave? Looks like it an' all.
Smug Helen or whatever her name is is getting some airtime this week. It's the first time they've even bothered showing her, so maybe she's about to fall off her perch.
That music they were playing when Helen took on Melody was ridiculous. I'd still rather Melody stayed in over Helen cos at least she's a grafter.
Looming up at people in the street to sell things is an odd tactic. I'd run for it.
Why is Jim doing so well this week? Even Nick's took a shine to him. Oh, they've got nodding dogs on their side. Melody and Tom are going to be fucked again, even with Queen Smug on their side.
What is up with Natasha? Why has she got that hat on? Why does she talk like that? Yeah it really brings out the best in me when your manager tells you to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. She's inspirational!
OMG I hate Natasha more than Melody this week. Is that possible?
Boardroom times. Why is Helen sticking it to Melody so hard already? Where's the loyalty?
Ooh, Tiggy's getting mad. He's knocking points off like he's on Shooting Stars. Oh, and now he's taken their treat off them! He's like a grumpy old dad going 'here's what you WOULD have won.' Well guess what, daddy, I didn't want to go in those clapped out old vintage cars anyway, so shove it. So do they get to go to a slightly less grotty cafe?
Surely Tom should survive this week. It's got to be Melody for the chop. How old is Helen? She looks like she could be anything from 30 to 45. She dresses like Margaret Thatcher. Oh don't cry, Melody, your 80s eye make-up will run. That sort of shading doesn't look waterproof.
Ooh Tom's got a dossier of evidence against Melody and Helen. I'd love it if Helen went this week! Imagine her face! I don't want Melody to go in a way. She's a little fighter. She's a pitbull!
Helen is an executive assistant to a CEO. That's a tough job, but it doesn't make her a business woman.
Oh god, I'm really scared Tom's going to go. Does he have a core of steel? I think he's got a core of marshmallow. But that's what's nice about him.
Oh, Melody got the boot! Is he going to go into business with Tom? Why else would he keep him around for so long? At least Tiggy gave Melody some props. Bye My Melody.
UGH I hate Helen so much, having a dig at Tom at the end. ANYONE to win but her. JIM. SUSIE. ANYONE. NATASHA? Oh God, maybe not.

The Apprentice: Half douche, half biscuit

Lord Sugar's in the kitchen? Well don't just stand there, stick the kettle on, you miserable old shrew. Oh, biscuit task. The best biscuit has already been invented; the Toffypop. Rarely seen, but when you find them, they are fucking AMAZING. They are more cake than biscuit, really. I could eat a packet, easy. My other fave biscuit are the posh thick orange chocolate ones from M&S. They are ace. I try not to have those in the house.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.

The Apprentice: Teapot tyrants

Roll up, roll up for the entrepreneurial elite! They're off to France. Will Tom soar as team leader? Will Susie lead Venture or that other rubbish team name to victory?
Do the French like their children? They don't like tourists, I know that much. Especially not English ones *bad flashbacks*.
I quite like the teapot light and the pop-up postcards. Melody is grating on my nerves. So, you speak French? People at my work speak about ten languages each. Not me, obviously. But them. And they don't brag about it. They just listen in on other people who are speaking French having conversations.
People DO use cars in France! I hate the Paris Metro *bad flashbacks*.
Melody is running rings around Tom, just because she can. I don't like her domineering attitude. He should tell her what's what.
And whilst I like the teapot, I wouldn't pay more than a tenner for it.
Oh Susie, it must be so EMBARRASSING being able to fit your arse into a child seat. No, it's embarrassing having to take up two seats on a aeroplane, you insensitive sap.
I don't like seeing my little Tom under pressure. I want to give him a cuddle.
Melody seems to be on fire. Even though she's a complete arsehole, she can sell.
Eek, worried Susie took it at the end with her mobile phone holders.
Melody should take the fall tonight. She dissed that car seat product hard. I'm really concerned Tom is going to go. *This is my concerned face*.
Flying lessons as a treat? No thanks, I'll pass. I'd rather to to the greasy spoon.
I've never even noticed that woman before who got the 200K deal. Surely she's going to win the whole thing?! DARK HORSE. She looked well smug at the end.
Melody reminds me of someone I work with who gets on my nerves. It's that one-tone voice, going on and on.
Orlando Bloom did fuck all tonight. Alan is right to have a go at him. But I don't want him, Tom or Melody to go, really. They're all good characters.
I want a 'Woman of the Future' award! I think Melody has said 'absolutely' about 12 thousand times tonight.
Yeah, Orlando has been 'on the ground' selling. He's been 'out in the field'. In a shopping mall.
Paper scissors stone gate! Melody's safe so either way we're going to lose some totty. Darn it.
Ah, Orlando went. Back to wooden acting for him. Tom survives again. Next week; Tom models himself on Melody by wearing dramatic eyeliner and setting up secret deals with Tunnocks.

The Apprentice: How do you blow your load?

5.45am wake up call? The world of business is not for me. I'm busy taking a stroll down blanket street towards the Land of Nod at that time of morning.
Why is Lordy talking to them from off a balcony? Balconies do make everything sexier, don't they? Except this.
Ooh, they are creating magazines. Look at Glenn winking at Jim, is he going to pinch his arse, too? Guess who's not taking who back into the boardroom if it all goes willys up.
OMG this Natasha person is ODIOUS. Lads mags. What a dick she is. The other team are doing over 60s. Even worse! Over 60s just read puzzle books or newspapers *generalising*.
My mum is over 60, though, and she certainly doesn't bowl. She just drinks in an armchair and watches ITV cos 'there's nothing good on the other channels'.
OMG! Glenn said older people might not understand humour. Uh-oh. Nick is LIVID.
Why have they chosen this demographic?! They know fuck all about it. The hatchet man is coming for Jim this week, mark my words. Alan's been gunning for him from a few week's back.
I like the suggestion of calling the mag 'Zimmer'. All their suggestions sounded like the names of hair colours or face creams.
Lads mags focus group. Even writing the words 'lads mags' annoys me. No, I won't put the apostrophe in. Who reads magazines? Women! Women in their 20s and 30s. Are they stupid? Oh.
More names for the mag: Pension mention? Old boot? Hip replacement! WTF? Are they mental? Oh, Jim, you're going DOWN. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN. 'Life Begins' would have been a much better title.
I was going to lazily call my blog 'Pulp Friction' but that just got replaced, quick smart.
So the lads mags team are objectifying women for their task. Lush. Then they went up to people in the street and asked them 'how do you blow your load?' Fucking hell. Did the other team spike their drinks with Viagra? And they said they were 'raising the tone' of lads mags! *insert raising something else joke here*
At least the branding on the lads mag looks good. The OAPs one is gross.
I feel like Glenn and Jim are having a competition to out-douche each other. What a pair of bozos.
Do you ever open the door to a delivery man and go 'I'm the editor of Covered magazine?' Me neither. Do sex and business mix? Only in bad pornos.
Oh, the advertisers don't like the title 'hip replacement'? I'm really shocked by that. *straightface* Nick is gunning for Jim! I think Nick would happily whack Jim over the head with a shovel and bury the body in his back garden, then walk away whistling.
Natasha is 'uber, 100% taking the last one.' What's that? Medal in the bad-cliche competition? Cunt trophy?
Advertising looks like a very boring industry. I don't think Jim would know edgy if Nick pushed him off one.
OMG I hate Natasha soooo much. 'Dollar in your pocket'. Fuck off.
Also, over 60s don't really go on the tube, which is where you get those free mags. Why is that woman slagging off cardigans? I wear cardigans pretty much every single day. Mind you, I do work for a charity. It's virtually the dress code.
I don't think Glenn or Jim understand humour, which is ironic, as they're both a walking joke.
LOL to Alan being sexist to Karren. MISOGYNY in the boardroom. Well, I never.
Jim is going. I'm telling you. I'd blow my load on it.
It's all very well for Susie to go 'I didn't back the title' but she backed it by not arguing against it better. And Jim can blame Zoe for thinking of it, but he was virtually blowing HIS load over it. Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS, as the scunt-wearing arseholes say.
LOL Jim and Glenn are arguing! Is love's young dream over so soon? Winky winky. Never mind, they'll probably still drag all the girls back in the boardroom, like they do every week.
Susie's catchphrase should be 'that's so unfair!' followed by a sad face. Grow a fucking spine, ffs.
Nick is digging Jim out. I think he's going to put a bag over his head on the way home and give him the Phil and Masood treatment.
Haha, Alan just made me laugh with his Agatha Cristie play joke. I'm losing my grip on life.
Can't believe Susie is only 21. But bringing up your age is a deluded Big Brother contestant move.
OMG he fired Glenn! What about Jim?! Double eviction? Don't get me wrong, I hate Glenn. But JIM! Golden opportunity! Jim stayed. My load has been blown. And it was no fun.
PS: sorry for all the asterisks, I'm in a funny mood today.***********

The Apprentice: Stig of the grump

Well, hello there. Who's gonna get it this week? Jim or Glenn, I hope. Ah, this week they're dealing with OPR (other people's rubbish). I'm sure Melody will lap this up. I can't imagine Orlando doing manual labour. I reckon Zoe could kick a bit of arse, though. I notice Jim's not volunteering this week. I wonder why (TARGET)?!
LOL to them trying to steal someone's BBQ as 'rubbish'. Being stuck in a car with Melody and NatashA-I'd take my chances in the back of the bin lorry.
This task lacks the glamour of previous weeks. What are they going to do next time; make them go work in an abattoir? I could see them ruthlessly trying to mark up offaland sell it as gourmet.
Whether Suzie is being dense or not, Zoe is talking to her like she's a piece of shit. I can't work out what's going on in this task. Does that mean she can come round to my house and talk to me like I'm a particularly slow child?
Boo to the sexist scrap merchant telling the women to 'go down the hairdressers'.
I like seeing them doing menial tasks because it shows who's not afraid to get their hands dirty.
I don't want Tom's team to lose again! Melody talks like that voice you hear when you send a text message to a landline. She has just less than that amount of warmth and humanity.
Yay, Tom's team won! Praise the Lord.
Why does Glenn hate Edna so much? She seemed to be pulling her weight in the task. And why is Zoe up Glenn's arse? Because they are both equally cunty. Don't think I didn't notice him saying, 'I'm not being funny, but...' earlier. I DID.
Ah, more women brought back into the boardroom! Suzie is such a whiny baby, I'm sick of her.
Ah, Edna went. I didn't mind Edna. I liked her psychobabble. Her resooomay was impressive, honest, Lord Sugar. She told CEOs what to do.
NB. People who say 'work hard, play hard.' Don't.