I normally hate it when people tinker with the format of shows, but boy does The Apprentice need a shake up. It's like a recurring dream you can't wake up from. I so badly want Alan Sugar's head to start spinning around or for Nick just start machine gunning them all like in Robocop. Why can't they kill one from the losing team each week? Or at least maim them?
I'm not even going to comment on the stupid stuff they are scripted to say at the start, except to say 'I'm blonde so people underestimate me' is truly pathetic and embarrassing to women as a statement. If people are underestimating you because of a hair colour, that aint your only problem. It's self-hatred.
Obviously the best bit is where they pick the team names. We've come up with the Wildcats and the Renegades. Let's see what shit they sick up.
I think Alan's been on the whiskey: 'if I wanted a friend I'd get a dog', 'I want you to be the Marks to my Spencer' and 'we're not playing Where's Wally'. Has he ever actually watched his own show before? It's less 'Where's Wally' than 'Kill every single last one of them.'
Did someone actually just say 'I'm like Marmite, you'll either love me or you'll hate me.' Just shoot that bitch now, do the planet a favour. JUST SAYING!
There wasn't enough arguing about the team names in my opinion. Is the girls' team name Sterling or Stirling? No matter. No one was keen to be team leader, were they? I think Karren (her spelling) Brady has been taking screwface lessons from that new copper in Coronation Street.
I got distracted for about 15 minutes there because I'm addicted to this new app Draw Some or Draw something, which sounds stupider). Must pay attention to this boring programme that everyone loves and has told me to blog.
Lord Sugar: 'you couldn't get nothing simpler than this'. LEARN TO FUCKING SPEAK.
It makes me laugh when people talk about working 'in the field'. When I worked at Save the Children 'in the field' meant Ethiopia or Haiti or DRC, not going to the fucking zoo.
Bilyana's giving Alan a bit of backchat. She's going to get the finger.
The only way to make using the word 'key' worse into a sentence is to say 'I'm a key member.' You might as well just say I'm an enormous prick.
'I'm not here to win a popularity contest': almost as stupid a thing to say as 'I'm not here to make friends.' I just don't think I can stand the cliches anymore. 'It doesn't take a brain surgeon...' AERJHRJHEFESKJFDSKJDFSKJDFSKJDFKJFKJREUGIITRGI I can't stand it! 'Too long in the tooth!' erhjgfjkerjewkjlefwkjf54jiogtiijorgrkwjag;tes One more cliche and this blog stops HERE!
'I've got a small voice' - it doesn't fucking sound like it, you foghorn.
RESOOOOMAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Oh just stab me now. I can't take it. I can't TAKE IT.
'I was made head girl'. Oh Christ. Did you get a swimming ribbon at school, too? 'Bring out the violin'. I can't watch this again. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I tried and I failed. I tried and I failed, oh Jeane.
OMG HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. ROCKET SCIENCE. BRAIN SURGERY. ROCKET SCIENCE. BRAIN SURGERY. ROCKET SCIENCE. FUCK OFF!
Someone went home. I don't care who. I'm sorry. You're on your own with this one, folks. I'm out! See you on Saturday for my annihilation of the UK version Voice. And if you thought cliches make me angry, wait and see what I've got up my sleeve to say about Tom Jones.
Showing posts with label The Apprentice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Apprentice. Show all posts
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Sunday, 17 July 2011
The Apprentice: The Final
Two blogs in a row! I should be getting paid for this shit.
Look at Helen's limp hair. No wonder she always has it in a bun. Jim's crab eyes are on overdrive. Alan won't choose him, Alan doesn't like him. He could go wild and choose Susan, I suppose, but I suspect it's going to be between Helen and Tom.
I hate the interview parts! I'm glad they've shaken up the format though, it needed it. This first interviewer is the biggest cock. As if someone writes things in their CV to suggest they're floundering.
Cliches, buzz words and blarney! Jim looks like he wasn't to punch that dude in the face but had to swallow it. He'll probably go and punch a mirror later.
Even thought Susan is rubbish I can't help liking her a bit.
Jim's pony analogies were quite funny. It's that sort of shit that got him on the show, though. I don't think Jim knows what a cliche is. That's just his vernacular.
Tom's business plan sounds rubbish. Chairs are boring. Still, Tom to win!
Helen could look better as well as be more likeable if she only loosened up a bit. I think she feels to 'be successful in business' you have to be this sewn up, straight serious thing. You can be in business and still be pretty, relaxed and fun (or quirky, like Tom). Her business plan is being destroyed as well. She doesn't need the contacts, though, but Alan would have them if she went into partnership with him.
LOL to Susan admitting she paid her staff in cash and avoided the taxman. Whoops. She's probably going to get arrested on the way out.
If it was an arse-kissing competition, Jim could walk away with the sash right now.
Helen it is super creepy to say that work is more important that your social and personal life. YOU ARE A ROBOT. That joke thing was bad.
That Mark dude being sexist about his wife! Arsehole. No wonder he can smell bullshit, he's probably bathing in it. I think Susan is doing well up against him.
That guy is mean making fun of Jim's salary.
I like Margaret's jazzy boardroom jacket. Karren must be under pressure with her staring her out.
Bit rich of them to moan at Jim for cliches and then that Mark dude goes 'it's like trying to nail custard to the ceiling'.
I think he's going to pick Tom. it's not his fault he didn't mention chairs, he's dyslexic. Please pick Tom!
Doesn't seem like Alan likes any of these business plans! Who's he going to let hitch their apple wagon to his star? I liked it when Jim accidentally called him Sugar. Sugar tits!
Bye Jim. That writing was on that wall long ago. Susan understands that she didn't understand. Bless her. Alan wanted to get into the cosmetic industry? Who knew? Which part?!
Why are they filming up Helen's nose like that? I hope if she loses she pulls that bun off and does an evil cackle. Stick your second business plan, Helen. You had your chance.
Yay, Tom spoke up. Tom's hand wrapped parcel: match point.
Tom wonned it! I couldn't be happier. Helen had nothing left at the end. Right, can I go get on with my life now?
Look at Helen's limp hair. No wonder she always has it in a bun. Jim's crab eyes are on overdrive. Alan won't choose him, Alan doesn't like him. He could go wild and choose Susan, I suppose, but I suspect it's going to be between Helen and Tom.
I hate the interview parts! I'm glad they've shaken up the format though, it needed it. This first interviewer is the biggest cock. As if someone writes things in their CV to suggest they're floundering.
Cliches, buzz words and blarney! Jim looks like he wasn't to punch that dude in the face but had to swallow it. He'll probably go and punch a mirror later.
Even thought Susan is rubbish I can't help liking her a bit.
Jim's pony analogies were quite funny. It's that sort of shit that got him on the show, though. I don't think Jim knows what a cliche is. That's just his vernacular.
Tom's business plan sounds rubbish. Chairs are boring. Still, Tom to win!
Helen could look better as well as be more likeable if she only loosened up a bit. I think she feels to 'be successful in business' you have to be this sewn up, straight serious thing. You can be in business and still be pretty, relaxed and fun (or quirky, like Tom). Her business plan is being destroyed as well. She doesn't need the contacts, though, but Alan would have them if she went into partnership with him.
LOL to Susan admitting she paid her staff in cash and avoided the taxman. Whoops. She's probably going to get arrested on the way out.
If it was an arse-kissing competition, Jim could walk away with the sash right now.
Helen it is super creepy to say that work is more important that your social and personal life. YOU ARE A ROBOT. That joke thing was bad.
That Mark dude being sexist about his wife! Arsehole. No wonder he can smell bullshit, he's probably bathing in it. I think Susan is doing well up against him.
That guy is mean making fun of Jim's salary.
I like Margaret's jazzy boardroom jacket. Karren must be under pressure with her staring her out.
Bit rich of them to moan at Jim for cliches and then that Mark dude goes 'it's like trying to nail custard to the ceiling'.
I think he's going to pick Tom. it's not his fault he didn't mention chairs, he's dyslexic. Please pick Tom!
Doesn't seem like Alan likes any of these business plans! Who's he going to let hitch their apple wagon to his star? I liked it when Jim accidentally called him Sugar. Sugar tits!
Bye Jim. That writing was on that wall long ago. Susan understands that she didn't understand. Bless her. Alan wanted to get into the cosmetic industry? Who knew? Which part?!
Why are they filming up Helen's nose like that? I hope if she loses she pulls that bun off and does an evil cackle. Stick your second business plan, Helen. You had your chance.
Yay, Tom spoke up. Tom's hand wrapped parcel: match point.
Tom wonned it! I couldn't be happier. Helen had nothing left at the end. Right, can I go get on with my life now?
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
The Apprentice: Don't flummox in the kitchen
Fast food task! This is the second fast food related show I've watched this week. Hope their hygiene standards are better than in SFC.
What's going on with Natasha's fringe? Jim: 'I've got two girls on board who need a bit of direction.' Arsehole! Why can't Natasha do it if she did that in her degree?
I don't like the way Helen deals with Tom, she's patronising.
Do you think Karren doesn't like the Mexican idea? No? Whatever gave you that idea? Moustaches! Cactuses! Sombrero! That's almost racist.
Caracka's?! WTF. Why has it got an apostrophe in it? Does it belong to Caraka? I hope Jim's team goes down this week. In flames!
I didn't know Christopher Columbus wasn't British. Where the fuck is he from, then?
Have you ever eaten 100% British? I'd bloody hope so, living in.. er, Britain.
I physically hate Helen, blaming Tom when she fluffed her speech. He didn't do anything! I hate people who blame others for their own errors, it's cowardly.
Boardroom. Are Jim and Helen getting it on? They exchanged two lingering looks in the boardroom. Yay, Tom through to the final. But no prize? Tight buggers. I hope Jim goes.
Why are they filming them in this weird half light? It's like zombie movie Apprentice. Hope Jim gets eaten.
Jim, charming? He's about as charming as Fred West. Natasha saying 'key things' makes me want to projectile vomit. Next she'll be calling things 'challenging'.
OK, I think he's going to sack Natasha now cos of her hospitality credentials.
Fight. Flight. Shite. Also, there's no such thing as a 'flighter'.
Sugar likes Jim's spirit! I don't. Tom FTW.
PS. Sorry about this blog. I went out tonight so it's not to my usual standards. I'm tired and need to go bed.
What's going on with Natasha's fringe? Jim: 'I've got two girls on board who need a bit of direction.' Arsehole! Why can't Natasha do it if she did that in her degree?
I don't like the way Helen deals with Tom, she's patronising.
Do you think Karren doesn't like the Mexican idea? No? Whatever gave you that idea? Moustaches! Cactuses! Sombrero! That's almost racist.
Caracka's?! WTF. Why has it got an apostrophe in it? Does it belong to Caraka? I hope Jim's team goes down this week. In flames!
I didn't know Christopher Columbus wasn't British. Where the fuck is he from, then?
Have you ever eaten 100% British? I'd bloody hope so, living in.. er, Britain.
I physically hate Helen, blaming Tom when she fluffed her speech. He didn't do anything! I hate people who blame others for their own errors, it's cowardly.
Boardroom. Are Jim and Helen getting it on? They exchanged two lingering looks in the boardroom. Yay, Tom through to the final. But no prize? Tight buggers. I hope Jim goes.
Why are they filming them in this weird half light? It's like zombie movie Apprentice. Hope Jim gets eaten.
Jim, charming? He's about as charming as Fred West. Natasha saying 'key things' makes me want to projectile vomit. Next she'll be calling things 'challenging'.
OK, I think he's going to sack Natasha now cos of her hospitality credentials.
Fight. Flight. Shite. Also, there's no such thing as a 'flighter'.
Sugar likes Jim's spirit! I don't. Tom FTW.
PS. Sorry about this blog. I went out tonight so it's not to my usual standards. I'm tired and need to go bed.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
The Apprentice: Grab it operationally
Selling stuff task! Don't like Alan calling Tom a nodding dog. He looks even hotter without his glasses, if that's possible. No, not Alan, you pervert.
Melody: pound shop fail. No one buys a £50 or even a £25 watch in a pound shop. They buy toilet roll and four cans of Pepsi. Dur.
Are you allowed to just pitch up and sell stuff on the street? No. Jim seems to be doing well. Tom seems to be doing well. Probably because he's on his own without some power-crazed woman barking at him (this isn't sexist, this is based on past experience facts).
Defensive-gate! Natasha and Jim should both be lined up and shot. Fast.
Karren looks mad! What's the matter with her? Did she pick up her scarf at Poundsave? Looks like it an' all.
Smug Helen or whatever her name is is getting some airtime this week. It's the first time they've even bothered showing her, so maybe she's about to fall off her perch.
That music they were playing when Helen took on Melody was ridiculous. I'd still rather Melody stayed in over Helen cos at least she's a grafter.
Looming up at people in the street to sell things is an odd tactic. I'd run for it.
Why is Jim doing so well this week? Even Nick's took a shine to him. Oh, they've got nodding dogs on their side. Melody and Tom are going to be fucked again, even with Queen Smug on their side.
What is up with Natasha? Why has she got that hat on? Why does she talk like that? Yeah it really brings out the best in me when your manager tells you to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. She's inspirational!
OMG I hate Natasha more than Melody this week. Is that possible?
Boardroom times. Why is Helen sticking it to Melody so hard already? Where's the loyalty?
Ooh, Tiggy's getting mad. He's knocking points off like he's on Shooting Stars. Oh, and now he's taken their treat off them! He's like a grumpy old dad going 'here's what you WOULD have won.' Well guess what, daddy, I didn't want to go in those clapped out old vintage cars anyway, so shove it. So do they get to go to a slightly less grotty cafe?
Surely Tom should survive this week. It's got to be Melody for the chop. How old is Helen? She looks like she could be anything from 30 to 45. She dresses like Margaret Thatcher. Oh don't cry, Melody, your 80s eye make-up will run. That sort of shading doesn't look waterproof.
Ooh Tom's got a dossier of evidence against Melody and Helen. I'd love it if Helen went this week! Imagine her face! I don't want Melody to go in a way. She's a little fighter. She's a pitbull!
Helen is an executive assistant to a CEO. That's a tough job, but it doesn't make her a business woman.
Oh god, I'm really scared Tom's going to go. Does he have a core of steel? I think he's got a core of marshmallow. But that's what's nice about him.
Oh, Melody got the boot! Is he going to go into business with Tom? Why else would he keep him around for so long? At least Tiggy gave Melody some props. Bye My Melody.
UGH I hate Helen so much, having a dig at Tom at the end. ANYONE to win but her. JIM. SUSIE. ANYONE. NATASHA? Oh God, maybe not.
Melody: pound shop fail. No one buys a £50 or even a £25 watch in a pound shop. They buy toilet roll and four cans of Pepsi. Dur.
Are you allowed to just pitch up and sell stuff on the street? No. Jim seems to be doing well. Tom seems to be doing well. Probably because he's on his own without some power-crazed woman barking at him (this isn't sexist, this is based on past experience facts).
Defensive-gate! Natasha and Jim should both be lined up and shot. Fast.
Karren looks mad! What's the matter with her? Did she pick up her scarf at Poundsave? Looks like it an' all.
Smug Helen or whatever her name is is getting some airtime this week. It's the first time they've even bothered showing her, so maybe she's about to fall off her perch.
That music they were playing when Helen took on Melody was ridiculous. I'd still rather Melody stayed in over Helen cos at least she's a grafter.
Looming up at people in the street to sell things is an odd tactic. I'd run for it.
Why is Jim doing so well this week? Even Nick's took a shine to him. Oh, they've got nodding dogs on their side. Melody and Tom are going to be fucked again, even with Queen Smug on their side.
What is up with Natasha? Why has she got that hat on? Why does she talk like that? Yeah it really brings out the best in me when your manager tells you to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. She's inspirational!
OMG I hate Natasha more than Melody this week. Is that possible?
Boardroom times. Why is Helen sticking it to Melody so hard already? Where's the loyalty?
Ooh, Tiggy's getting mad. He's knocking points off like he's on Shooting Stars. Oh, and now he's taken their treat off them! He's like a grumpy old dad going 'here's what you WOULD have won.' Well guess what, daddy, I didn't want to go in those clapped out old vintage cars anyway, so shove it. So do they get to go to a slightly less grotty cafe?
Surely Tom should survive this week. It's got to be Melody for the chop. How old is Helen? She looks like she could be anything from 30 to 45. She dresses like Margaret Thatcher. Oh don't cry, Melody, your 80s eye make-up will run. That sort of shading doesn't look waterproof.
Ooh Tom's got a dossier of evidence against Melody and Helen. I'd love it if Helen went this week! Imagine her face! I don't want Melody to go in a way. She's a little fighter. She's a pitbull!
Helen is an executive assistant to a CEO. That's a tough job, but it doesn't make her a business woman.
Oh god, I'm really scared Tom's going to go. Does he have a core of steel? I think he's got a core of marshmallow. But that's what's nice about him.
Oh, Melody got the boot! Is he going to go into business with Tom? Why else would he keep him around for so long? At least Tiggy gave Melody some props. Bye My Melody.
UGH I hate Helen so much, having a dig at Tom at the end. ANYONE to win but her. JIM. SUSIE. ANYONE. NATASHA? Oh God, maybe not.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
The Apprentice: Half douche, half biscuit
Lord Sugar's in the kitchen? Well don't just stand there, stick the kettle on, you miserable old shrew. Oh, biscuit task. The best biscuit has already been invented; the Toffypop. Rarely seen, but when you find them, they are fucking AMAZING. They are more cake than biscuit, really. I could eat a packet, easy. My other fave biscuit are the posh thick orange chocolate ones from M&S. They are ace. I try not to have those in the house.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
The Apprentice: Teapot tyrants
Roll up, roll up for the entrepreneurial elite! They're off to France. Will Tom soar as team leader? Will Susie lead Venture or that other rubbish team name to victory?
Do the French like their children? They don't like tourists, I know that much. Especially not English ones *bad flashbacks*.
I quite like the teapot light and the pop-up postcards. Melody is grating on my nerves. So, you speak French? People at my work speak about ten languages each. Not me, obviously. But them. And they don't brag about it. They just listen in on other people who are speaking French having conversations.
People DO use cars in France! I hate the Paris Metro *bad flashbacks*.
Melody is running rings around Tom, just because she can. I don't like her domineering attitude. He should tell her what's what.
And whilst I like the teapot, I wouldn't pay more than a tenner for it.
Oh Susie, it must be so EMBARRASSING being able to fit your arse into a child seat. No, it's embarrassing having to take up two seats on a aeroplane, you insensitive sap.
I don't like seeing my little Tom under pressure. I want to give him a cuddle.
Melody seems to be on fire. Even though she's a complete arsehole, she can sell.
Eek, worried Susie took it at the end with her mobile phone holders.
Melody should take the fall tonight. She dissed that car seat product hard. I'm really concerned Tom is going to go. *This is my concerned face*.
Flying lessons as a treat? No thanks, I'll pass. I'd rather to to the greasy spoon.
I've never even noticed that woman before who got the 200K deal. Surely she's going to win the whole thing?! DARK HORSE. She looked well smug at the end.
Melody reminds me of someone I work with who gets on my nerves. It's that one-tone voice, going on and on.
Orlando Bloom did fuck all tonight. Alan is right to have a go at him. But I don't want him, Tom or Melody to go, really. They're all good characters.
I want a 'Woman of the Future' award! I think Melody has said 'absolutely' about 12 thousand times tonight.
Yeah, Orlando has been 'on the ground' selling. He's been 'out in the field'. In a shopping mall.
Paper scissors stone gate! Melody's safe so either way we're going to lose some totty. Darn it.
Ah, Orlando went. Back to wooden acting for him. Tom survives again. Next week; Tom models himself on Melody by wearing dramatic eyeliner and setting up secret deals with Tunnocks.
Do the French like their children? They don't like tourists, I know that much. Especially not English ones *bad flashbacks*.
I quite like the teapot light and the pop-up postcards. Melody is grating on my nerves. So, you speak French? People at my work speak about ten languages each. Not me, obviously. But them. And they don't brag about it. They just listen in on other people who are speaking French having conversations.
People DO use cars in France! I hate the Paris Metro *bad flashbacks*.
Melody is running rings around Tom, just because she can. I don't like her domineering attitude. He should tell her what's what.
And whilst I like the teapot, I wouldn't pay more than a tenner for it.
Oh Susie, it must be so EMBARRASSING being able to fit your arse into a child seat. No, it's embarrassing having to take up two seats on a aeroplane, you insensitive sap.
I don't like seeing my little Tom under pressure. I want to give him a cuddle.
Melody seems to be on fire. Even though she's a complete arsehole, she can sell.
Eek, worried Susie took it at the end with her mobile phone holders.
Melody should take the fall tonight. She dissed that car seat product hard. I'm really concerned Tom is going to go. *This is my concerned face*.
Flying lessons as a treat? No thanks, I'll pass. I'd rather to to the greasy spoon.
I've never even noticed that woman before who got the 200K deal. Surely she's going to win the whole thing?! DARK HORSE. She looked well smug at the end.
Melody reminds me of someone I work with who gets on my nerves. It's that one-tone voice, going on and on.
Orlando Bloom did fuck all tonight. Alan is right to have a go at him. But I don't want him, Tom or Melody to go, really. They're all good characters.
I want a 'Woman of the Future' award! I think Melody has said 'absolutely' about 12 thousand times tonight.
Yeah, Orlando has been 'on the ground' selling. He's been 'out in the field'. In a shopping mall.
Paper scissors stone gate! Melody's safe so either way we're going to lose some totty. Darn it.
Ah, Orlando went. Back to wooden acting for him. Tom survives again. Next week; Tom models himself on Melody by wearing dramatic eyeliner and setting up secret deals with Tunnocks.
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
The Apprentice: How do you blow your load?
5.45am wake up call? The world of business is not for me. I'm busy taking a stroll down blanket street towards the Land of Nod at that time of morning.
Why is Lordy talking to them from off a balcony? Balconies do make everything sexier, don't they? Except this.
Ooh, they are creating magazines. Look at Glenn winking at Jim, is he going to pinch his arse, too? Guess who's not taking who back into the boardroom if it all goes willys up.
OMG this Natasha person is ODIOUS. Lads mags. What a dick she is. The other team are doing over 60s. Even worse! Over 60s just read puzzle books or newspapers *generalising*.
My mum is over 60, though, and she certainly doesn't bowl. She just drinks in an armchair and watches ITV cos 'there's nothing good on the other channels'.
OMG! Glenn said older people might not understand humour. Uh-oh. Nick is LIVID.
Why have they chosen this demographic?! They know fuck all about it. The hatchet man is coming for Jim this week, mark my words. Alan's been gunning for him from a few week's back.
I like the suggestion of calling the mag 'Zimmer'. All their suggestions sounded like the names of hair colours or face creams.
Lads mags focus group. Even writing the words 'lads mags' annoys me. No, I won't put the apostrophe in. Who reads magazines? Women! Women in their 20s and 30s. Are they stupid? Oh.
More names for the mag: Pension mention? Old boot? Hip replacement! WTF? Are they mental? Oh, Jim, you're going DOWN. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN. 'Life Begins' would have been a much better title.
I was going to lazily call my blog 'Pulp Friction' but that just got replaced, quick smart.
So the lads mags team are objectifying women for their task. Lush. Then they went up to people in the street and asked them 'how do you blow your load?' Fucking hell. Did the other team spike their drinks with Viagra? And they said they were 'raising the tone' of lads mags! *insert raising something else joke here*
At least the branding on the lads mag looks good. The OAPs one is gross.
I feel like Glenn and Jim are having a competition to out-douche each other. What a pair of bozos.
Do you ever open the door to a delivery man and go 'I'm the editor of Covered magazine?' Me neither. Do sex and business mix? Only in bad pornos.
Oh, the advertisers don't like the title 'hip replacement'? I'm really shocked by that. *straightface* Nick is gunning for Jim! I think Nick would happily whack Jim over the head with a shovel and bury the body in his back garden, then walk away whistling.
Natasha is 'uber, 100% taking the last one.' What's that? Medal in the bad-cliche competition? Cunt trophy?
Advertising looks like a very boring industry. I don't think Jim would know edgy if Nick pushed him off one.
OMG I hate Natasha soooo much. 'Dollar in your pocket'. Fuck off.
Also, over 60s don't really go on the tube, which is where you get those free mags. Why is that woman slagging off cardigans? I wear cardigans pretty much every single day. Mind you, I do work for a charity. It's virtually the dress code.
I don't think Glenn or Jim understand humour, which is ironic, as they're both a walking joke.
LOL to Alan being sexist to Karren. MISOGYNY in the boardroom. Well, I never.
Jim is going. I'm telling you. I'd blow my load on it.
It's all very well for Susie to go 'I didn't back the title' but she backed it by not arguing against it better. And Jim can blame Zoe for thinking of it, but he was virtually blowing HIS load over it. Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS, as the scunt-wearing arseholes say.
LOL Jim and Glenn are arguing! Is love's young dream over so soon? Winky winky. Never mind, they'll probably still drag all the girls back in the boardroom, like they do every week.
Susie's catchphrase should be 'that's so unfair!' followed by a sad face. Grow a fucking spine, ffs.
Nick is digging Jim out. I think he's going to put a bag over his head on the way home and give him the Phil and Masood treatment.
Haha, Alan just made me laugh with his Agatha Cristie play joke. I'm losing my grip on life.
Can't believe Susie is only 21. But bringing up your age is a deluded Big Brother contestant move.
OMG he fired Glenn! What about Jim?! Double eviction? Don't get me wrong, I hate Glenn. But JIM! Golden opportunity! Jim stayed. My load has been blown. And it was no fun.
PS: sorry for all the asterisks, I'm in a funny mood today.***********
Why is Lordy talking to them from off a balcony? Balconies do make everything sexier, don't they? Except this.
Ooh, they are creating magazines. Look at Glenn winking at Jim, is he going to pinch his arse, too? Guess who's not taking who back into the boardroom if it all goes willys up.
OMG this Natasha person is ODIOUS. Lads mags. What a dick she is. The other team are doing over 60s. Even worse! Over 60s just read puzzle books or newspapers *generalising*.
My mum is over 60, though, and she certainly doesn't bowl. She just drinks in an armchair and watches ITV cos 'there's nothing good on the other channels'.
OMG! Glenn said older people might not understand humour. Uh-oh. Nick is LIVID.
Why have they chosen this demographic?! They know fuck all about it. The hatchet man is coming for Jim this week, mark my words. Alan's been gunning for him from a few week's back.
I like the suggestion of calling the mag 'Zimmer'. All their suggestions sounded like the names of hair colours or face creams.
Lads mags focus group. Even writing the words 'lads mags' annoys me. No, I won't put the apostrophe in. Who reads magazines? Women! Women in their 20s and 30s. Are they stupid? Oh.
More names for the mag: Pension mention? Old boot? Hip replacement! WTF? Are they mental? Oh, Jim, you're going DOWN. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN. 'Life Begins' would have been a much better title.
I was going to lazily call my blog 'Pulp Friction' but that just got replaced, quick smart.
So the lads mags team are objectifying women for their task. Lush. Then they went up to people in the street and asked them 'how do you blow your load?' Fucking hell. Did the other team spike their drinks with Viagra? And they said they were 'raising the tone' of lads mags! *insert raising something else joke here*
At least the branding on the lads mag looks good. The OAPs one is gross.
I feel like Glenn and Jim are having a competition to out-douche each other. What a pair of bozos.
Do you ever open the door to a delivery man and go 'I'm the editor of Covered magazine?' Me neither. Do sex and business mix? Only in bad pornos.
Oh, the advertisers don't like the title 'hip replacement'? I'm really shocked by that. *straightface* Nick is gunning for Jim! I think Nick would happily whack Jim over the head with a shovel and bury the body in his back garden, then walk away whistling.
Natasha is 'uber, 100% taking the last one.' What's that? Medal in the bad-cliche competition? Cunt trophy?
Advertising looks like a very boring industry. I don't think Jim would know edgy if Nick pushed him off one.
OMG I hate Natasha soooo much. 'Dollar in your pocket'. Fuck off.
Also, over 60s don't really go on the tube, which is where you get those free mags. Why is that woman slagging off cardigans? I wear cardigans pretty much every single day. Mind you, I do work for a charity. It's virtually the dress code.
I don't think Glenn or Jim understand humour, which is ironic, as they're both a walking joke.
LOL to Alan being sexist to Karren. MISOGYNY in the boardroom. Well, I never.
Jim is going. I'm telling you. I'd blow my load on it.
It's all very well for Susie to go 'I didn't back the title' but she backed it by not arguing against it better. And Jim can blame Zoe for thinking of it, but he was virtually blowing HIS load over it. Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS, as the scunt-wearing arseholes say.
LOL Jim and Glenn are arguing! Is love's young dream over so soon? Winky winky. Never mind, they'll probably still drag all the girls back in the boardroom, like they do every week.
Susie's catchphrase should be 'that's so unfair!' followed by a sad face. Grow a fucking spine, ffs.
Nick is digging Jim out. I think he's going to put a bag over his head on the way home and give him the Phil and Masood treatment.
Haha, Alan just made me laugh with his Agatha Cristie play joke. I'm losing my grip on life.
Can't believe Susie is only 21. But bringing up your age is a deluded Big Brother contestant move.
OMG he fired Glenn! What about Jim?! Double eviction? Don't get me wrong, I hate Glenn. But JIM! Golden opportunity! Jim stayed. My load has been blown. And it was no fun.
PS: sorry for all the asterisks, I'm in a funny mood today.***********
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
The Apprentice: Stig of the grump
Well, hello there. Who's gonna get it this week? Jim or Glenn, I hope. Ah, this week they're dealing with OPR (other people's rubbish). I'm sure Melody will lap this up. I can't imagine Orlando doing manual labour. I reckon Zoe could kick a bit of arse, though. I notice Jim's not volunteering this week. I wonder why (TARGET)?!
LOL to them trying to steal someone's BBQ as 'rubbish'. Being stuck in a car with Melody and NatashA-I'd take my chances in the back of the bin lorry.
This task lacks the glamour of previous weeks. What are they going to do next time; make them go work in an abattoir? I could see them ruthlessly trying to mark up offaland sell it as gourmet.
Whether Suzie is being dense or not, Zoe is talking to her like she's a piece of shit. I can't work out what's going on in this task. Does that mean she can come round to my house and talk to me like I'm a particularly slow child?
Boo to the sexist scrap merchant telling the women to 'go down the hairdressers'.
I like seeing them doing menial tasks because it shows who's not afraid to get their hands dirty.
I don't want Tom's team to lose again! Melody talks like that voice you hear when you send a text message to a landline. She has just less than that amount of warmth and humanity.
Yay, Tom's team won! Praise the Lord.
Why does Glenn hate Edna so much? She seemed to be pulling her weight in the task. And why is Zoe up Glenn's arse? Because they are both equally cunty. Don't think I didn't notice him saying, 'I'm not being funny, but...' earlier. I DID.
Ah, more women brought back into the boardroom! Suzie is such a whiny baby, I'm sick of her.
Ah, Edna went. I didn't mind Edna. I liked her psychobabble. Her resooomay was impressive, honest, Lord Sugar. She told CEOs what to do.
NB. People who say 'work hard, play hard.' Don't.
LOL to them trying to steal someone's BBQ as 'rubbish'. Being stuck in a car with Melody and NatashA-I'd take my chances in the back of the bin lorry.
This task lacks the glamour of previous weeks. What are they going to do next time; make them go work in an abattoir? I could see them ruthlessly trying to mark up offaland sell it as gourmet.
Whether Suzie is being dense or not, Zoe is talking to her like she's a piece of shit. I can't work out what's going on in this task. Does that mean she can come round to my house and talk to me like I'm a particularly slow child?
Boo to the sexist scrap merchant telling the women to 'go down the hairdressers'.
I like seeing them doing menial tasks because it shows who's not afraid to get their hands dirty.
I don't want Tom's team to lose again! Melody talks like that voice you hear when you send a text message to a landline. She has just less than that amount of warmth and humanity.
Yay, Tom's team won! Praise the Lord.
Why does Glenn hate Edna so much? She seemed to be pulling her weight in the task. And why is Zoe up Glenn's arse? Because they are both equally cunty. Don't think I didn't notice him saying, 'I'm not being funny, but...' earlier. I DID.
Ah, more women brought back into the boardroom! Suzie is such a whiny baby, I'm sick of her.
Ah, Edna went. I didn't mind Edna. I liked her psychobabble. Her resooomay was impressive, honest, Lord Sugar. She told CEOs what to do.
NB. People who say 'work hard, play hard.' Don't.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
The Apprentice: Every dog has it's day
Pet food task! The tasks seem to have been a lot better this year than last year, a bit more fun and quirky than selling sausages, anyway. Oh hold on, didn't they do that first episode?
Is Vincent team leader? Yays. His team is 'doing dogs'. The team leader 'doing cats' just called himself a 'catalyst'. Sounds rude. I want the cats team to win! Cats rule.
They've called the dog food Every Dog. Zzzzz.
I love seeing people in suits trying to be creative. Blue sky wanking! I wonder if Alan is going to say 'this has been a catastrophe' or 'this dog has had it's day'. Place your bets now! Bet bet bet. Ah, someone just made a dog's dinner joke. This is too easy.
Uh oh, the team leader Glenn just went against the focus group. You're going home! Oh well, all the better to beat you over the head with in the boardroom. He just messed up the whole task because he likes some stupid pun. No cat is going to eat diet cat food. He must be mad.
LOl to Orlando calling the sphinx cat a chicken. Rude! It looks more like a ball bag.
Ugh 'cats eyes see their light' is the strap line. I love the fact half his team are laughing at him. OMG that Glenn is the ultimate tool. I like the fact Zoe told him whereto stick it.
Melody gave her pitch like a robot. Although Orlando said 'y'know' about a million times at least he seemed friendly and casual. He did look a bit embarrassed by the product.
Let's just send Glenn home and be done with it! Ah, here we go. Lordy just made a 'Winalot' joke. OMG I can't believe Glenn's team won! Don't let this be the end of Vincent. NOOOOOOOO! I guess Jim has been set up for the fall as he thought of the rubbish name.
Tom's on the losing team again... sob! OMG Vincent didn't bring Jim back! He could end up going home for that. Jim, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. Alan's got your card marked! Scary.
Vincent bottled it. Bringing the girls back is too easy. They didn't do anything bad. Vincent is tying himself in knots here. Is he in love with Jim? Are they having Brokeback times back at the mansion?
I'm shocked Alan kept Vincent, it's definitely just for TV.
LOL I take it all back! That was a killer end. But I could have told you, Vincent,
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
And finally, special mention must go to Glenn, who on seeing Natasha walk back through the door to the house said, 'who's been sacked, Vincent and Ellie?' WELL DONE, GENIUS.
Is Vincent team leader? Yays. His team is 'doing dogs'. The team leader 'doing cats' just called himself a 'catalyst'. Sounds rude. I want the cats team to win! Cats rule.
They've called the dog food Every Dog. Zzzzz.
I love seeing people in suits trying to be creative. Blue sky wanking! I wonder if Alan is going to say 'this has been a catastrophe' or 'this dog has had it's day'. Place your bets now! Bet bet bet. Ah, someone just made a dog's dinner joke. This is too easy.
Uh oh, the team leader Glenn just went against the focus group. You're going home! Oh well, all the better to beat you over the head with in the boardroom. He just messed up the whole task because he likes some stupid pun. No cat is going to eat diet cat food. He must be mad.
LOl to Orlando calling the sphinx cat a chicken. Rude! It looks more like a ball bag.
Ugh 'cats eyes see their light' is the strap line. I love the fact half his team are laughing at him. OMG that Glenn is the ultimate tool. I like the fact Zoe told him whereto stick it.
Melody gave her pitch like a robot. Although Orlando said 'y'know' about a million times at least he seemed friendly and casual. He did look a bit embarrassed by the product.
Let's just send Glenn home and be done with it! Ah, here we go. Lordy just made a 'Winalot' joke. OMG I can't believe Glenn's team won! Don't let this be the end of Vincent. NOOOOOOOO! I guess Jim has been set up for the fall as he thought of the rubbish name.
Tom's on the losing team again... sob! OMG Vincent didn't bring Jim back! He could end up going home for that. Jim, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. Alan's got your card marked! Scary.
Vincent bottled it. Bringing the girls back is too easy. They didn't do anything bad. Vincent is tying himself in knots here. Is he in love with Jim? Are they having Brokeback times back at the mansion?
I'm shocked Alan kept Vincent, it's definitely just for TV.
LOL I take it all back! That was a killer end. But I could have told you, Vincent,
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
And finally, special mention must go to Glenn, who on seeing Natasha walk back through the door to the house said, 'who's been sacked, Vincent and Ellie?' WELL DONE, GENIUS.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
The Apprentice: I'm tired.
I'm actually enjoying The Apprentice more this year, it seems a bit tighter. However, I'm not enjoying blogging tonight because I feel deathly. I'm going nodwards the second this finishes.
So they've got to buy stuff for the Savoy hotel. Suzy is project manager. Uh oh.
Gavin (on team Logic) is so severe! He scares me.
I know what a cloche is, because I've watched a squillion Big Brothers and I'm a Celebs. It's what they stick the manky food under. (Get the meat!) I can't believe not one of them knows.
Top hats cost nearly £400. Wow. Gavin is struggling under pressure. I like Vincent, he's a buffoon. Natasha was coming off pushy and desperate. I hate the hard sell!
Wow, saving a penny! They are really hardnosed business people.
Top hat dry cleaners! Brilliant. That's like going to AAAardvark taxis and asking if the sell aardvarks. These people are morons.
Vincent taking the phone off Ellie was a bit rude. Three-ply loo roll? Well la-di-da.
OMG Suzy's team won by £8! Every penny does count after all. I'd be surprised if Gavin didn't go home.
I've never even seen that dowdy blonde girl speak before! I still don't recognise about 30% of these people- is that normal?
I hope they don't boot Vincent, he's like the last comedy character left. Ah it's a shame Gavin went, even though he scared me. There was something a bit sexy about those glasses.
ps. Sorry for my bad blogz. Poorly.
So they've got to buy stuff for the Savoy hotel. Suzy is project manager. Uh oh.
Gavin (on team Logic) is so severe! He scares me.
I know what a cloche is, because I've watched a squillion Big Brothers and I'm a Celebs. It's what they stick the manky food under. (Get the meat!) I can't believe not one of them knows.
Top hats cost nearly £400. Wow. Gavin is struggling under pressure. I like Vincent, he's a buffoon. Natasha was coming off pushy and desperate. I hate the hard sell!
Wow, saving a penny! They are really hardnosed business people.
Top hat dry cleaners! Brilliant. That's like going to AAAardvark taxis and asking if the sell aardvarks. These people are morons.
Vincent taking the phone off Ellie was a bit rude. Three-ply loo roll? Well la-di-da.
OMG Suzy's team won by £8! Every penny does count after all. I'd be surprised if Gavin didn't go home.
I've never even seen that dowdy blonde girl speak before! I still don't recognise about 30% of these people- is that normal?
I hope they don't boot Vincent, he's like the last comedy character left. Ah it's a shame Gavin went, even though he scared me. There was something a bit sexy about those glasses.
ps. Sorry for my bad blogz. Poorly.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
The Apprentice: Is that victory I taste? (no, it's arseholery)
Why am I watching this shit two days in a row? It's not Misfits or BBUSA. App task! Ooh, it's a futuristic Apprentice.
Loving the app jokes. What a bunch of tools. Orlando Bloom is team leader today. Edna for the girls. I reckon Edna's gonna kick arse. I wouldn't fuck with her- I saw the way she was eyeing Melody yesterday.
Some guy barking 'traffic light' as an idea for an app. Fab. OMG they're going with a regional slang app. WTF. Who would bother downloading it? They should do a devilishly addictive game.
I feel sorry for Suzie, even though she couldn't get her point out, she seems a lot more normal than everyone else.
The girls decided on an irritating noise app. They could just make an app of their voices. Done.
I hate Melody's 'I don't have a view on it'. Get off the fence, you robot! Aren't you a human being? Can't you empathise with someone?
So, the boy's app is basically racist, or like the Worms computer game with all the fun parts taken out of it.
Luckily for them, the girl's app is just as bad.
This guy with the glasses on is a humourless prick, yo.
LOL to Edna giving herself the presentation to do. There's your rope - go hang yourself.
Melody: 'it is what it is.' HOW PROFOUND. I've never heard anyone say that before! Amazing.
Ok, so the boys app is a bit better looking. But they are both terrible. And the boys presentation blows.
Why is it called 'slangatang'? I get the slang but not the tang.
The girl's app is actually embarrassing. I hope they're not charging for it.
Ha, they've been called out on being racist, now. Yet they're going on like that meeting went really well. It didn't.
Ha! Look at Edna working the Madonna mic. Check out the leather gloves. She's going down this week. DAHN!
The boys presentation was cheeky and good. And they employed bribes. Good move.
No ways, I can't believe the girls won with that shit app. I love all the boys readjusting their ties. One of them looked like he wanted to nut someone.
Nooooo! Don't boot out Orlando. Get rid of that dude who did the duff presentation.
Oh, maybe it is still the same cafe after all.
I like inventor dude. He's cute. I heart geeks. I like Bloom changing his mind about who to bring back in the boardroom. Good arguing by the guy who wrote the text there!
Don't bin Bloom!
I know about creating content for a global audience. Regional accents; notsomuch.
Leon is too nice to be a boss. I think they've pruned this boardroom part a bit, which is good. It used to drag on way too long.
I'm glad he fired that Alex guy, he wasn't interesting. Bloom rides again. Now, please don't tell me this shit is on tomorrow, too.
Loving the app jokes. What a bunch of tools. Orlando Bloom is team leader today. Edna for the girls. I reckon Edna's gonna kick arse. I wouldn't fuck with her- I saw the way she was eyeing Melody yesterday.
Some guy barking 'traffic light' as an idea for an app. Fab. OMG they're going with a regional slang app. WTF. Who would bother downloading it? They should do a devilishly addictive game.
I feel sorry for Suzie, even though she couldn't get her point out, she seems a lot more normal than everyone else.
The girls decided on an irritating noise app. They could just make an app of their voices. Done.
I hate Melody's 'I don't have a view on it'. Get off the fence, you robot! Aren't you a human being? Can't you empathise with someone?
So, the boy's app is basically racist, or like the Worms computer game with all the fun parts taken out of it.
Luckily for them, the girl's app is just as bad.
This guy with the glasses on is a humourless prick, yo.
LOL to Edna giving herself the presentation to do. There's your rope - go hang yourself.
Melody: 'it is what it is.' HOW PROFOUND. I've never heard anyone say that before! Amazing.
Ok, so the boys app is a bit better looking. But they are both terrible. And the boys presentation blows.
Why is it called 'slangatang'? I get the slang but not the tang.
The girl's app is actually embarrassing. I hope they're not charging for it.
Ha, they've been called out on being racist, now. Yet they're going on like that meeting went really well. It didn't.
Ha! Look at Edna working the Madonna mic. Check out the leather gloves. She's going down this week. DAHN!
The boys presentation was cheeky and good. And they employed bribes. Good move.
No ways, I can't believe the girls won with that shit app. I love all the boys readjusting their ties. One of them looked like he wanted to nut someone.
Nooooo! Don't boot out Orlando. Get rid of that dude who did the duff presentation.
Oh, maybe it is still the same cafe after all.
I like inventor dude. He's cute. I heart geeks. I like Bloom changing his mind about who to bring back in the boardroom. Good arguing by the guy who wrote the text there!
Don't bin Bloom!
I know about creating content for a global audience. Regional accents; notsomuch.
Leon is too nice to be a boss. I think they've pruned this boardroom part a bit, which is good. It used to drag on way too long.
I'm glad he fired that Alex guy, he wasn't interesting. Bloom rides again. Now, please don't tell me this shit is on tomorrow, too.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
The Apprentice: (Not) America's next top Mogul
It cannot POSSIBLY be a year since this was on last. I was in this flat, so how can it be? Is he doing two a year like Tyra and her top models? Sugarlumps and Tyra should do a job swap one week, I'd pay to see Alan doing his smise.
That 'sky's the limit' quote would have probably worked better if it hadn't looked like she'd been reading it off a card. Also that quote doesn't make sense; 'the sky's the limit' is a good thing, only an insufferable upstart would criticise that expression.
Ugh here were go again, another procession of idiots. It just feels too samey every time. I like things that stay the same most of the time but not this. This needs sexing up.
Oh, something's changed, now they start up a business rather than get a job in the Atari factory. Yeah, I know it's not Atari. Ataris were good.
Oh Karren (her spelling mistake) has actually brushed her hair for once. Well done.
I like the inventor guy's expressive eyebrows. He aint gonna last five minutes. I actually agree that a limp handshake is unforgivable. You gotta fake it to make it!
So the task is they've got to set up their own business.
Team names. Galvinised. Platinum. They're way better than Venture, which they went for. That girl with the two-tone eyeshadow is going to be a pain in the arse, you can tell. The way she talks is grating. Ah, she's volunteered to be project manager. Madness. The boys called themselves Logic. Tragic is closer to the mark.
Orlando Bloom seems to be on the boy's team. No Pirates of the Caribbean five on the table? Surely that format hasn't outstayed it's welcome!
I like the suggestion 'let's make soup, they might not buy it again but at least they won't be sick.' Set the bar high!
At the fruit stall: 'Is that an orange?' 'I dunno.' Come on, even I'm not that thick.
Uh oh, the boys team leader is a complete div. 'Roll with the punches, go like the clappers... you're fired.'
I like Glenn standing up to the team leader doofus, Edward. Edward is going home. He's got cliches in place of a personality.
Not in the least bit surprised the girls won, especially with robobitch in charge.
Hold on, that aint the greasy spoon they normally go to. Boo.
Doofus is bringing Orlando back to the boardroom. Noooooo! No matter, doofus will be the one leaving.
Edward: 'not only am I the youngest in the group, I am also the shortest.' Eh?! What next, he didn't have a decent breakfast?! His mummy didn't cuddle him enough when he was a baby?
LOLZ Alan is still saying resooomay! Has no one told him yet? Come on, lackeys. Karren? I dare you.
And so. Two beautiful girls stand in front of me. But I only have one photograph in my hand. The person who's name I call will remain in the competition. The person who's name I don't call must go immediately back to their room, pack their belongings and go home.
Bye bye Edward. Roll with that punch, you ninny.
That 'sky's the limit' quote would have probably worked better if it hadn't looked like she'd been reading it off a card. Also that quote doesn't make sense; 'the sky's the limit' is a good thing, only an insufferable upstart would criticise that expression.
Ugh here were go again, another procession of idiots. It just feels too samey every time. I like things that stay the same most of the time but not this. This needs sexing up.
Oh, something's changed, now they start up a business rather than get a job in the Atari factory. Yeah, I know it's not Atari. Ataris were good.
Oh Karren (her spelling mistake) has actually brushed her hair for once. Well done.
I like the inventor guy's expressive eyebrows. He aint gonna last five minutes. I actually agree that a limp handshake is unforgivable. You gotta fake it to make it!
So the task is they've got to set up their own business.
Team names. Galvinised. Platinum. They're way better than Venture, which they went for. That girl with the two-tone eyeshadow is going to be a pain in the arse, you can tell. The way she talks is grating. Ah, she's volunteered to be project manager. Madness. The boys called themselves Logic. Tragic is closer to the mark.
Orlando Bloom seems to be on the boy's team. No Pirates of the Caribbean five on the table? Surely that format hasn't outstayed it's welcome!
I like the suggestion 'let's make soup, they might not buy it again but at least they won't be sick.' Set the bar high!
At the fruit stall: 'Is that an orange?' 'I dunno.' Come on, even I'm not that thick.
Uh oh, the boys team leader is a complete div. 'Roll with the punches, go like the clappers... you're fired.'
I like Glenn standing up to the team leader doofus, Edward. Edward is going home. He's got cliches in place of a personality.
Not in the least bit surprised the girls won, especially with robobitch in charge.
Hold on, that aint the greasy spoon they normally go to. Boo.
Doofus is bringing Orlando back to the boardroom. Noooooo! No matter, doofus will be the one leaving.
Edward: 'not only am I the youngest in the group, I am also the shortest.' Eh?! What next, he didn't have a decent breakfast?! His mummy didn't cuddle him enough when he was a baby?
LOLZ Alan is still saying resooomay! Has no one told him yet? Come on, lackeys. Karren? I dare you.
And so. Two beautiful girls stand in front of me. But I only have one photograph in my hand. The person who's name I call will remain in the competition. The person who's name I don't call must go immediately back to their room, pack their belongings and go home.
Bye bye Edward. Roll with that punch, you ninny.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
The Apprentice: When I hit the bottle
I couldn't be less interested in a final that contains Stella and Chris, but obviously Stella to win, because Chris is a snotty-nosed little prick. Still, Lord Sugar has thrown us some curveballs this season, so anything could happen. Except something interesting.
Why do they do that thing where they pick the team like at school! Cruel. I was always second-last to be picked (luckily there was a fat girl with a limp who suffered the final indignity).
Alcohol task! My boyfriend just suggested 'red bull, vodka and tequila and stick in in a great big can'.
Blue bourbon. Blue is gay? No, pink is gay. 'I don't like carrying around drinks that are brightly coloured.' Oh, how macho of you.
Honey and spice drink should be called 'Buzzing'. WHERE IS BAGGSY? Can't believe he's not on it. ANGRY.
Urban bourbon. Apparently a 'genius' suggestion. My friend has suggested 'turban bourbon' instead. Not sure why. We think the bottle should be in the shape of a shopping trolley, a gun or a skyscraper.
I didn't know blokes were so touchy about the colour of the drink they drink. Drinkist! Is Liz sabotaging Chris? Good! URBON!
Immoderate drinking! What's that, getting sloshed? Buzzkill.
Why are they always trying to make their adverts like soft porn? No sex! No smoking! Man, why are they trying to fence him in like that? Wankers. Just let Chris make that advert a big drug orgy.
LOL to the Prism bottle! It looks like deodorant. Should have thought inside that box instead. It looks like robot deodorant from 80s sci-fi film.
They didn't even seem to taste either of them- is it all about how it looks? Oh no, that guy just tasted it and didn't look too impressed.
I think they should rename Prism 'Jizzum'. That advert for Urbon was the lolz.
Stella's voice is like nails down a blackboard. She's still got more charm than Chris could ever dream of. And she's got none.
The new Apprentice's job will be to invent something to taste over the phone. It'd save pizza delivery drivers going out in the snow, anyway.
Here's how the new apprentice should be decided. Stella and Chris should go outside, down their own bottles, and see who's the last one standing. I think that would be a fair fight.
Chris always sounds like he's about to go 'it's not fair!' Stell, you're hired. Chris: 'It's not fair!' Go tidy your room, Chris.
I'm not watching that bit after presented by sub-Adrian Chiles. You can't make me! Goodbye.
Why do they do that thing where they pick the team like at school! Cruel. I was always second-last to be picked (luckily there was a fat girl with a limp who suffered the final indignity).
Alcohol task! My boyfriend just suggested 'red bull, vodka and tequila and stick in in a great big can'.
Blue bourbon. Blue is gay? No, pink is gay. 'I don't like carrying around drinks that are brightly coloured.' Oh, how macho of you.
Honey and spice drink should be called 'Buzzing'. WHERE IS BAGGSY? Can't believe he's not on it. ANGRY.
Urban bourbon. Apparently a 'genius' suggestion. My friend has suggested 'turban bourbon' instead. Not sure why. We think the bottle should be in the shape of a shopping trolley, a gun or a skyscraper.
I didn't know blokes were so touchy about the colour of the drink they drink. Drinkist! Is Liz sabotaging Chris? Good! URBON!
Immoderate drinking! What's that, getting sloshed? Buzzkill.
Why are they always trying to make their adverts like soft porn? No sex! No smoking! Man, why are they trying to fence him in like that? Wankers. Just let Chris make that advert a big drug orgy.
LOL to the Prism bottle! It looks like deodorant. Should have thought inside that box instead. It looks like robot deodorant from 80s sci-fi film.
They didn't even seem to taste either of them- is it all about how it looks? Oh no, that guy just tasted it and didn't look too impressed.
I think they should rename Prism 'Jizzum'. That advert for Urbon was the lolz.
Stella's voice is like nails down a blackboard. She's still got more charm than Chris could ever dream of. And she's got none.
The new Apprentice's job will be to invent something to taste over the phone. It'd save pizza delivery drivers going out in the snow, anyway.
Here's how the new apprentice should be decided. Stella and Chris should go outside, down their own bottles, and see who's the last one standing. I think that would be a fair fight.
Chris always sounds like he's about to go 'it's not fair!' Stell, you're hired. Chris: 'It's not fair!' Go tidy your room, Chris.
I'm not watching that bit after presented by sub-Adrian Chiles. You can't make me! Goodbye.
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
The Apprentice: You're full of shit
Interviews. I don't like this round, I want to kick those interviewers in the head. Makes me feel uncomfortable. Oh fuck off Margaret, you pompous old crone. I don't mind the nipple joke, it's pretty stupid, but it got him on the show, so shut it.
Baggsy; 'we're all young once'. Isn't he 21? I know it's easy to forget.
Did Joanna not know the name of Amstrad? Hehe. Oh, dear. Chris was held in revered respect... at his school! Bless.
OMG did that guy just say 'ice to Eskimos'? Fuck off.
I just got the word 'drivel' on Scrabble as Baggs was speaking. I must stand up for him, though! He IS a brand. He is now, anyway. Don't like this guy being mean to him.
This whole thing is making me cringe. No interviewer makes you feel like this; and if they did, you'd never want to work there in the first place.
Why is Margaret up Joanna's arse? Joanne has a bad attitude. I'll never forget the way she spoke to Jamie (mind you, I think it was only last week).
Alan Sugar SHOULD say thank you to his staff, the curmudgeonly old grinch.
Oooh Karrrrrrren didn't like it when beardy dude said 'even YOU could get that licence.' Sexist!
LOL to Alan saying Stuart is full of shit. Has he only just noticed? Pining over Liz now! It's a bit late. You should be annoyed with yourself, Sugar-tits. Liz was a worthy winner.
OMG! He fired Baggsy just like that. Hardcore! Don't lie to Tiggy. That was much better than normal, because there's normally a really dull build-up. That felt like a genuine shock.
Wow, two more are going today, too! Cool.
Jamie does talk such a lot of crap. I think Stella's going to win, now.
Aw. Was quite sad when Joanna went. He didn't even point the finger at her. I think Stella's going to win EVEN MORE now Jamie's gone. Chris is too posh.
Ha, Alan said 'well done' for getting to the final! In your face, sucker!
Baggsy; 'we're all young once'. Isn't he 21? I know it's easy to forget.
Did Joanna not know the name of Amstrad? Hehe. Oh, dear. Chris was held in revered respect... at his school! Bless.
OMG did that guy just say 'ice to Eskimos'? Fuck off.
I just got the word 'drivel' on Scrabble as Baggs was speaking. I must stand up for him, though! He IS a brand. He is now, anyway. Don't like this guy being mean to him.
This whole thing is making me cringe. No interviewer makes you feel like this; and if they did, you'd never want to work there in the first place.
Why is Margaret up Joanna's arse? Joanne has a bad attitude. I'll never forget the way she spoke to Jamie (mind you, I think it was only last week).
Alan Sugar SHOULD say thank you to his staff, the curmudgeonly old grinch.
Oooh Karrrrrrren didn't like it when beardy dude said 'even YOU could get that licence.' Sexist!
LOL to Alan saying Stuart is full of shit. Has he only just noticed? Pining over Liz now! It's a bit late. You should be annoyed with yourself, Sugar-tits. Liz was a worthy winner.
OMG! He fired Baggsy just like that. Hardcore! Don't lie to Tiggy. That was much better than normal, because there's normally a really dull build-up. That felt like a genuine shock.
Wow, two more are going today, too! Cool.
Jamie does talk such a lot of crap. I think Stella's going to win, now.
Aw. Was quite sad when Joanna went. He didn't even point the finger at her. I think Stella's going to win EVEN MORE now Jamie's gone. Chris is too posh.
Ha, Alan said 'well done' for getting to the final! In your face, sucker!
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
The Apprentice: Have a taste of my eels
Alright! Is this over yet? No? Grr!
Tonight they are becoming tour guides on open top buses. I always wonder how much it costs to go on those open-topped buses. London is shit! I feel sorry for tourists. They must be so depressed once they get here.
Cockney tour! I'm thinking of the cock-up jokes already.
Why is that girl who's name I still can't remember speaking to Jamie like that? Boo. She's being a harridan. Oh, Jo. That'll never stick in my head.
LOL to the jellied-eeled salesman. He looked very unsure about giving it the Cockney patter and his buddy basically called them a Cockney-ist.
Stella gets on my wick. Hope she fluffs it this week.
Jo: 'you're scaring me!' Is she serious?! Threatened! I'll show her threatened. I don't approve of that tactic whatsoever, it makes me ashamed to be female. What purpose is there in acting like that? Nick won't like it. Alan won't like it. Jamie is a threat; but it's not in the way she's saying.
This 20% thing is going to bite Chris. The guy's eyes lit up when he offered that.
OMG- 'have a taste of my eels'! That's the biggest laugh I've had all night. Baggs FTW.
What's a 'Muriel'? Perhaps she's thinking of Muriel's wedding.
OMG Jo is soooooo belligerent to her clients! She is aggressive! She's a psycho. She's gotta go.
OMG Jamie's tour blows. The river Thames sucks.
Haha Baggsy trying to nick Jo's punters. He is truly odious. Telling them to call the police! He knows how to ingratiate himself.
Imagine being the public being torn between those two groups! Ugh. I'd rather go round the back of KFC and try my luck with the bin lorry.
OMG Jo is going to garrity! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.
Do you actually get to see any ghosts on the ghosts and ghouls tour? That's the only way it could actually be worth 25 quid. It's cheaper to go to Alton Towers.
Stella's tour looks like it's of London crack dens. Is this a Banksy? No, it's just some criminal damage.
I'm fed up Jo's team won! She was acting like an absolute animal during that task.
Don't want Liz or Baggsy to go. Lordy didn't even have a go at Jo about her 'you're threatening me' bullcrap.
I wonder how long Baggsy's been practising that 'one trick, ten trick pony' line? OMG I can't believe that speech saved him and Alan chose to save him over Liz. Honestly, you really get the workforce you deserve.
Tonight they are becoming tour guides on open top buses. I always wonder how much it costs to go on those open-topped buses. London is shit! I feel sorry for tourists. They must be so depressed once they get here.
Cockney tour! I'm thinking of the cock-up jokes already.
Why is that girl who's name I still can't remember speaking to Jamie like that? Boo. She's being a harridan. Oh, Jo. That'll never stick in my head.
LOL to the jellied-eeled salesman. He looked very unsure about giving it the Cockney patter and his buddy basically called them a Cockney-ist.
Stella gets on my wick. Hope she fluffs it this week.
Jo: 'you're scaring me!' Is she serious?! Threatened! I'll show her threatened. I don't approve of that tactic whatsoever, it makes me ashamed to be female. What purpose is there in acting like that? Nick won't like it. Alan won't like it. Jamie is a threat; but it's not in the way she's saying.
This 20% thing is going to bite Chris. The guy's eyes lit up when he offered that.
OMG- 'have a taste of my eels'! That's the biggest laugh I've had all night. Baggs FTW.
What's a 'Muriel'? Perhaps she's thinking of Muriel's wedding.
OMG Jo is soooooo belligerent to her clients! She is aggressive! She's a psycho. She's gotta go.
OMG Jamie's tour blows. The river Thames sucks.
Haha Baggsy trying to nick Jo's punters. He is truly odious. Telling them to call the police! He knows how to ingratiate himself.
Imagine being the public being torn between those two groups! Ugh. I'd rather go round the back of KFC and try my luck with the bin lorry.
OMG Jo is going to garrity! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.
Do you actually get to see any ghosts on the ghosts and ghouls tour? That's the only way it could actually be worth 25 quid. It's cheaper to go to Alton Towers.
Stella's tour looks like it's of London crack dens. Is this a Banksy? No, it's just some criminal damage.
I'm fed up Jo's team won! She was acting like an absolute animal during that task.
Don't want Liz or Baggsy to go. Lordy didn't even have a go at Jo about her 'you're threatening me' bullcrap.
I wonder how long Baggsy's been practising that 'one trick, ten trick pony' line? OMG I can't believe that speech saved him and Alan chose to save him over Liz. Honestly, you really get the workforce you deserve.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
The Apprentice: Haggle Rock
Sunrise at the Gherkin. Beautiful.
Girls vs Boys. But which is better, etc? Come on girls. They've not got Stuart Baggs, so that instantly makes them more appealing.
Jamie, don't invoke 'live by the sword, die by the sword'! Did you learn nothing from Nick Bateman?
What is a silva 'tikka'? Is this like a joke where they send the work experience kid to ask for something that doesn't exist? You will find the hallowed turkey-monkey and bring it back for Sugarlumps to feast on raw! Bhahahahaha!
I work near Hatton Garden- exciting.
WTF is this tikka thing? It's driving me mad. Ah, it's like indian head jewellery.
God this task is so fucking BORING.
I'd go to All Saints for the showing machine, they've got millions in there. (Don't invoke the memory of Kris!) Kris who? Be glad if you've forgotten.
The girls are getting thrashed on prices. Will Baggs ride again? I can't stand haggling, it makes me cringe. The girls clearly can't either.
I can't stand Baggs OR Chris. Posh twats. And I like posh people normally.
See her whip that pen off that dude? What a nutcase!
The boys won by £70! LOL. Baggs has actually been half bearable today. The treat is a trip to Eurodisney. Never have I seen such an illustration of the words 'Gay Paris'.
I wonder if Liz will go. Seems a shame if she does, she's a lot nicer than Russian Doll and that hard-faced blonde one. Her eyes look too big for her face, but in a good way.
Alan: 'I'm sure you'd know the price of Louis Vutton bag or Chanel glasses'?! Sexist fucker.
That blonde one is annoying. I think he's going to ditch her. She was quite shirty with him too.
Russian Doll is 22! She looks older than me. Oh he ditched her. I didn't see that one coming.
Ooh bitchiness at the end. Laydeez! Put down your shoes, handbags and diet tips and play nicely.
Girls vs Boys. But which is better, etc? Come on girls. They've not got Stuart Baggs, so that instantly makes them more appealing.
Jamie, don't invoke 'live by the sword, die by the sword'! Did you learn nothing from Nick Bateman?
What is a silva 'tikka'? Is this like a joke where they send the work experience kid to ask for something that doesn't exist? You will find the hallowed turkey-monkey and bring it back for Sugarlumps to feast on raw! Bhahahahaha!
I work near Hatton Garden- exciting.
WTF is this tikka thing? It's driving me mad. Ah, it's like indian head jewellery.
God this task is so fucking BORING.
I'd go to All Saints for the showing machine, they've got millions in there. (Don't invoke the memory of Kris!) Kris who? Be glad if you've forgotten.
The girls are getting thrashed on prices. Will Baggs ride again? I can't stand haggling, it makes me cringe. The girls clearly can't either.
I can't stand Baggs OR Chris. Posh twats. And I like posh people normally.
See her whip that pen off that dude? What a nutcase!
The boys won by £70! LOL. Baggs has actually been half bearable today. The treat is a trip to Eurodisney. Never have I seen such an illustration of the words 'Gay Paris'.
I wonder if Liz will go. Seems a shame if she does, she's a lot nicer than Russian Doll and that hard-faced blonde one. Her eyes look too big for her face, but in a good way.
Alan: 'I'm sure you'd know the price of Louis Vutton bag or Chanel glasses'?! Sexist fucker.
That blonde one is annoying. I think he's going to ditch her. She was quite shirty with him too.
Russian Doll is 22! She looks older than me. Oh he ditched her. I didn't see that one coming.
Ooh bitchiness at the end. Laydeez! Put down your shoes, handbags and diet tips and play nicely.
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
The Apprentice: Let's get down to crispness
I'm having a hell of a day, and I don't see how The Apprentice will help. Hopefully it will just take my mind off the horror happening in my bathroom (don't ask).
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing. Chris is heading the other team.
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
The Apprentice: The customer is always (third) reich
Pinewood studios: 'I think they make furniture'. Good start to the show. It's actually a film studio, plebs.
Westfields shopping centre! I went there recently, it's quite posh and I had cocktails, it was very girly and unlike me.
Baggs: 'I've seen this a million times before.' Oh, he's such a tool. He's definitely going to go this week. I can feel it in my bones, and so can Lord Sugar.
Sandeesh has eyes like a cartoon woodland creature. Not sure this will make her a great team leader, but it does make her look unusual and kind of cute. I reckon Jamie's got this show in the bag, unless he's a bit too posh. Trust him to go for skiing- 'everyone loves skiing'. No, only posh people like it. Poor people like the beach and binge drinking on holiday.
Why is this Chris guy always the first one up to act like a total prick?
Baggs: 'I have to reign in my own masculinity'. COCK. Stop pissing about in that car; you are going home this week.
OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS CUNT. Is he even a real person? The way he speaks to people is UNREAL!
Jamie sulking because he doesn't get to play with the kiddies!
Getting that toy car was a good coup for that team. Oh no, does that mean Baggsy's team is going to win?! Hell no.
Where is Karrrrrren this week? Nick seems quite joyful without her there.
Those DVDs are shit. When are you ever going to watch it!
LOL to Baggs ringing people up and barracking them for not collecting their DVDs. Nice!
WTF now Karren is in the boardroom commenting on shit? You weren't even there! Either that or I'm really not paying attention.
FUCK Baggs won. Why is he flirting with Alan? That gitfaced-chimp has gotta go SOON.
Now we're going to lose the cartoon woodland creature. Right?
Fuck, Karren was there, apparently. Was she doing a sponsored silence?
Sandeesh is bringing back Chardonnay from Footballers Wives. She looks like she's never seen a stick of makeup before and then been let loose in Jodie Marsh's mirrored beauty closet. Liz, apparently.
That Chris guy talks to people like they're a piece of shit, too. KNOB END.
But apparently 'he's a strong candidate'. These really are the scrapings.
Bye Sandeesh, see you on CBeebies.
Westfields shopping centre! I went there recently, it's quite posh and I had cocktails, it was very girly and unlike me.
Baggs: 'I've seen this a million times before.' Oh, he's such a tool. He's definitely going to go this week. I can feel it in my bones, and so can Lord Sugar.
Sandeesh has eyes like a cartoon woodland creature. Not sure this will make her a great team leader, but it does make her look unusual and kind of cute. I reckon Jamie's got this show in the bag, unless he's a bit too posh. Trust him to go for skiing- 'everyone loves skiing'. No, only posh people like it. Poor people like the beach and binge drinking on holiday.
Why is this Chris guy always the first one up to act like a total prick?
Baggs: 'I have to reign in my own masculinity'. COCK. Stop pissing about in that car; you are going home this week.
OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS CUNT. Is he even a real person? The way he speaks to people is UNREAL!
Jamie sulking because he doesn't get to play with the kiddies!
Getting that toy car was a good coup for that team. Oh no, does that mean Baggsy's team is going to win?! Hell no.
Where is Karrrrrren this week? Nick seems quite joyful without her there.
Those DVDs are shit. When are you ever going to watch it!
LOL to Baggs ringing people up and barracking them for not collecting their DVDs. Nice!
WTF now Karren is in the boardroom commenting on shit? You weren't even there! Either that or I'm really not paying attention.
FUCK Baggs won. Why is he flirting with Alan? That gitfaced-chimp has gotta go SOON.
Now we're going to lose the cartoon woodland creature. Right?
Fuck, Karren was there, apparently. Was she doing a sponsored silence?
Sandeesh is bringing back Chardonnay from Footballers Wives. She looks like she's never seen a stick of makeup before and then been let loose in Jodie Marsh's mirrored beauty closet. Liz, apparently.
That Chris guy talks to people like they're a piece of shit, too. KNOB END.
But apparently 'he's a strong candidate'. These really are the scrapings.
Bye Sandeesh, see you on CBeebies.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
The Apprentice: Influenza is Cockney
Oh, Alex... the unemployed Head of Communications. He could call himself an unemployed CEO, turkey-baster or astronaut if he wanted, if you're unemployed you're unemployed. You don't get to keep the job title.
Who the fuck is this Christopher guy? I swear I've never seen him before. Did we get a new contestant like a new Big Brother housemate? Can we evict him?
Incidentally, I did a brainstorm at work today. A top secret brainstorm! I nearly fell asleep, the meeting room lights weren't agreeing with me.
Alex on the Blitz: 'a big bombing thing- and they're dead by now anyway.' LOL! Yeah, fuck that poppy, all those old cunts are six foot under.
'Smash it out the park'. Ugh. I don't mind the stupid octopus idea in principle. At least it's eyecatching.
Octi-kleen! Shouldn't it be Oct-O-kleen? I'm not sure about Robocop cleaner either. Which is better... etc.
Exgerminate! 'Influenza is Cockney'! LOL. I liked that guy's germ voiceover, it was good.
There's not a person on the planet who would say the words 'if only I was an octopus', not even in an advert.
OMG why have they got that kid in the advert when it said keep kids away from it! Gorms. (Sexist and untrue statement coming up) Also, why are they advertising it to kids and men? They don't clean! This octopus crap is even worse though. Sigh.
Germinator (sorry o-ator) looks like weedkiller. But at least it's not sexist like Octo-pus.
Also, octopusses (pi?) don't have hands. Nick was clearly sitting on that 'tramp on chips' line. I wish he'd shut up again this year, to be honest. Leave the jokes to me, Nick.
Karaoke party! That's my kind of prize.
Alex is going to go for not bringing stern russian-looking girl in with him. That blonde guy Chris gets on my wick, too. At least Alex is good TV.
Alan clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word 'unforgivable'- as he forgave Chris. Perhaps someone should explain it to him along with how to pronounce 'resume'.
Bye Alex. I'll miss your buffoonery. But not for long.
Who the fuck is this Christopher guy? I swear I've never seen him before. Did we get a new contestant like a new Big Brother housemate? Can we evict him?
Incidentally, I did a brainstorm at work today. A top secret brainstorm! I nearly fell asleep, the meeting room lights weren't agreeing with me.
Alex on the Blitz: 'a big bombing thing- and they're dead by now anyway.' LOL! Yeah, fuck that poppy, all those old cunts are six foot under.
'Smash it out the park'. Ugh. I don't mind the stupid octopus idea in principle. At least it's eyecatching.
Octi-kleen! Shouldn't it be Oct-O-kleen? I'm not sure about Robocop cleaner either. Which is better... etc.
Exgerminate! 'Influenza is Cockney'! LOL. I liked that guy's germ voiceover, it was good.
There's not a person on the planet who would say the words 'if only I was an octopus', not even in an advert.
OMG why have they got that kid in the advert when it said keep kids away from it! Gorms. (Sexist and untrue statement coming up) Also, why are they advertising it to kids and men? They don't clean! This octopus crap is even worse though. Sigh.
Germinator (sorry o-ator) looks like weedkiller. But at least it's not sexist like Octo-pus.
Also, octopusses (pi?) don't have hands. Nick was clearly sitting on that 'tramp on chips' line. I wish he'd shut up again this year, to be honest. Leave the jokes to me, Nick.
Karaoke party! That's my kind of prize.
Alex is going to go for not bringing stern russian-looking girl in with him. That blonde guy Chris gets on my wick, too. At least Alex is good TV.
Alan clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word 'unforgivable'- as he forgave Chris. Perhaps someone should explain it to him along with how to pronounce 'resume'.
Bye Alex. I'll miss your buffoonery. But not for long.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
The Apprentice: She's in Fashion
My life just got a gazillion times more boring so expect more blogs. I'm eating ice cream alone on a sofa. Boo!
That dude (is it Jamie?) has a wife? I'm sure he was a bit on the gay side. Still, he still could be. Surely Baggsy should be happy you can sell a £2 piece of cotton for £100? Isn't that his dream come true?
LOL to Jamie slagging off the Mancs. They DO have a lot to answer for! Well, so I've heard.
I like the fact the girls are just getting distracted and have started shopping.
Alex is on fire today. Paloma is scary. She doesn't look like a sparkly jacket type. 'we'll be in dialogue with you later.' Eek. I'm not surprised they didn't get it; she seemed totally unimpressed in that shop.
OMG wtf is that recycled business wear? It's gross. I predict a fail. Fucking hell, Karren (ie. the young Margaret) looks like she's been up all night again. You're on telly; put some foundation on, ffs.
I don't trust English people who say 'mall'. Shopping centre is much more rustic.
I've just realised I can't tell Baggs and that other blonder guy apart! They both look like public school boys. They're both total cunts. If I get them mixed up, I apologise.
Do people turn to the right when they walk in shops? Is that scientifically tested?
I'm not sure I would wear a dress made out of old ties! Where the fuck would you wear it? School reunion?
That Amsterdam jibe was low, Nick!
Paloma is digging Alex's grave in preparation for failure. Perhaps she should concentrate more on selling. Oh, she can't cos the stuff is £300.
The advert thing was a good move. OMG that tie dress is so rank. That woman must be completely mental. Paloma: 'well done!' Yeah, well done, you rich idiot. You just threw away £300. There's people dying of cholera in Haiti. Having said that, I like those blue Liquorice dresses.
Ooh Nick didn't like Lord Sugar recycling that Amsterdam joke! That homeboy prefers to say shit behind people's back.
Paloma has got a hell of a bad attitude. I don't like the way she's speaking to old Sugarlumps. I guarantee you right now she's going to get fired.
OMG the way she speaks to people is disgusting! She making me pine for that idiot who went last week.
I actually enjoyed this show a bit more this week. But I accidentally deleted it and my boyfriend is at work and hasn't seen it! Fuckery. Doghouse for me!
That dude (is it Jamie?) has a wife? I'm sure he was a bit on the gay side. Still, he still could be. Surely Baggsy should be happy you can sell a £2 piece of cotton for £100? Isn't that his dream come true?
LOL to Jamie slagging off the Mancs. They DO have a lot to answer for! Well, so I've heard.
I like the fact the girls are just getting distracted and have started shopping.
Alex is on fire today. Paloma is scary. She doesn't look like a sparkly jacket type. 'we'll be in dialogue with you later.' Eek. I'm not surprised they didn't get it; she seemed totally unimpressed in that shop.
OMG wtf is that recycled business wear? It's gross. I predict a fail. Fucking hell, Karren (ie. the young Margaret) looks like she's been up all night again. You're on telly; put some foundation on, ffs.
I don't trust English people who say 'mall'. Shopping centre is much more rustic.
I've just realised I can't tell Baggs and that other blonder guy apart! They both look like public school boys. They're both total cunts. If I get them mixed up, I apologise.
Do people turn to the right when they walk in shops? Is that scientifically tested?
I'm not sure I would wear a dress made out of old ties! Where the fuck would you wear it? School reunion?
That Amsterdam jibe was low, Nick!
Paloma is digging Alex's grave in preparation for failure. Perhaps she should concentrate more on selling. Oh, she can't cos the stuff is £300.
The advert thing was a good move. OMG that tie dress is so rank. That woman must be completely mental. Paloma: 'well done!' Yeah, well done, you rich idiot. You just threw away £300. There's people dying of cholera in Haiti. Having said that, I like those blue Liquorice dresses.
Ooh Nick didn't like Lord Sugar recycling that Amsterdam joke! That homeboy prefers to say shit behind people's back.
Paloma has got a hell of a bad attitude. I don't like the way she's speaking to old Sugarlumps. I guarantee you right now she's going to get fired.
OMG the way she speaks to people is disgusting! She making me pine for that idiot who went last week.
I actually enjoyed this show a bit more this week. But I accidentally deleted it and my boyfriend is at work and hasn't seen it! Fuckery. Doghouse for me!
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