Celebrity Big Brother 2015: So Farrah, so good

Woah! Who'd have thought it would kick off so quickly? It's only been on four days and we've been driven to do two podcasts because there's been so many good one liners and crazy behaviour (see Austin's ballbags for more details).
Judging by the highlights it looks like anyone could get thrown out at any minute. How they made the daytime version last the same amount of time is anyone's guess as they have to cut so much out. We watched the PG version today and it was so crap! Couldn't they just blur out Austin's bits?
Bum wars! The Americans are stir fucking crazy. I love it. The UK housemates are dry as fuck.
Oh no, Farrah is ruining the 'bromance' by calling James out on his and Austin's flirting. Don't ruin it! 'Slip and slide with your sexuality' - or 'open' as we like to call it. Why doesn't she put a sock in it? Why so angry?
Ha, James is ratting to Austin about what Farrah said. I'm sure Austin will take this well. *hides from the fallout*
Farrah acting innocent! Jenna: 'James is going to chew our bootys out.' Thanks for that image. Oh God, Janice is going to sort it out. Brilliant. She's the 'ambassador of good relations'. Who appointed her that?
Janice: 'You're not the queen of reality, I am.'
Farrah on James and Austin: 'They were in their underwear, talking about fucking each other.' I wish! Is she a homophobe? Is Natasha even asleep? How could you sleep through that argument? Fatman Scoop: 'What is this argument even about?' Nothing!
Austin: 'Your fake ass, your fake tits... the doctor gave half of that to you.' Hah!
I think Farrah was insinuating James' sexuality was fluid, not that he wanted to fuck Austin up the arse, but at this point, I don't think it matters.
Bobby: 'Let's sort our problems out like sane, nice people.' Good luck with that.
Austin: 'Just because you got pregnant underage!' His neck vein is going!
Farrah: 'Quit acting like a bitch. You're a disgrace to humanity.' Austin then called to the DR. She was being just as bad as him. She's ROTTEN! Fun ruining cow. I was enjoying the homo erotica.
Austin in the DR: 'Everyone in America hates her.' Especially her mum. And now the whole of the UK.
Jenna, James did not instigate that. Let's get that straight, no pun intended. Farrah is a mental case. She hates everyone and everything.
Daniel is now needling Austin about sleeping with James! Boo! Spoilsports. Now Jenna is saying James needs to watch Austin. James wasn't uncomfortable with Austin!!! He was loving the attention! It's all you American bitches who have made a big deal about this crap. He is NOT drumming up the drama, FARRAH IS! I hate this, their little flirtmance was cute.
Farrah and Austin then made up, but let's face it, that won't last.
OMG Stevi's pants. WHY?
Hot tub times! Why is Natasha stirring it about how Chloe should be jealous, there's two blokes in there! She's a fucking wooden spoon, too. Why is Gail saying it, as well? Stooopid. What's wrong with these people, it's like neighbourhood watch in there. Keep your nose out!
God, are Stevi and Chloe not allowed to be apart for ten minutes? Embarrassing. Well done, Natasha, you poured the poison in very successfully. Don't worry, Chloe, I don't think Jenna was after Stevi, somehow. Just a hunch.
Uh oh, hot water gate. I like the way Janice orders everyone around. If everyone puts up with it, that's their problem. Janice, you should bathe with others on CBB. It's more economical (and sexual, lol).
Ha, why is Gail cleaning the bath! She's a proper doormat - she's like going for the Jermaine Jackson/ Frankie Dettori pussyhole award.
Austin: 'Janice, please be quiet and fuck off.' LOL. Janice: 'Gail's not your servant' - ie. she's mine. OMG DID Janice spit at him? If so, get her out, that's gross. Dennis must be watching, agog.
Ok, I'm done with Jenna, she's just starting on Davro for no reason. She's just a stirrer. I'm not down with that. Just stop getting involved in every argument every five minutes!
So Janice jumps the queue to the diary room after spitting at someone?! Oh, she just 'made the motion' of spitting. UGH. Spitting is gross. Someone spat on me at school once cos I was cooler than them and they were jealous, it's vile.
Gail needs to woman up, she's too soft. No one wants another H from Steps in the house. You're Scottish, show some balls!
Now Jenna is going on at Janice as Janice is trying to get to bed. Why doesn't Jenna just STFU? Stop picking on the old lady. Haha, I'm such a flip flopper.
Is Janice taking vitamins or sleeping pills? Who knows?
OK, so Austin is saying Janice DID spit in his face! So what's Big Brother going to do? Fuck all, of course, because they don't want to lose the star of the show.
Janice is looking pretty ropey in the DR. A formal warning! What! People have been kicked out for that in the past! It's a fucking joke! I would be so uneasy in the house with her after that.
Honestly, they decide on the rules on a case by case basis. Helen Wood, you're all good. Aaron Frew, fuck you. Seriously, are you telling me what Aaron did was worse than Janice SPITTING? Even if she didn't spit ON him, even spitting in someone's direction (or pretending to) is revolting and highly offensive.
Hey though, on the bright side, what a brilliant episode! It's hard to know who to get behind because everyone is either a complete cunt or an utter wimp. What a great start to the series! They should have at least five American housemates every year. Normally there's one or two clear early boots. Here it could be anyone, everyone's so horrible. I love Austin, though! I just like the way he goes nuts all the time. None of them have ANY filter. It's insane. I have a feeling there's going to be a LOT to say this year!
Oh yeah, check out my podcast for more #cbb and #bb17 antics: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm We did a UK one last night but couldn't do #bb17 as we didn't know who had gone back in the house. Needless to say, I was VERY pleased with the result! Whoop.

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: UK VS USA

Well, it's been a long three weeks since Captain Canoe and his crew exited the Big Brother compound. I like the gap though. Josie Gibson could have done with it before Ultimate Big Brother so she could nail Crab Eyes before having to make merry with Coolio and co.
So it's what we've all been waiting for UK vs USA. This is truly the stuff dreams are made of, so I can't wait to see how they fuck it up.
I've avoided the line up so far as much as possible, because I like to be fully disappointed on the night.
Anyway, get ready for a takeover etc. Fuck me, look at the audience. I think we just spotted Meatloaf.
So basically it's an excuse for a million stereotypes. Where's the American host? Where's the impartiality? It should be like a Swedish host or something, like with the tennis umpires.
I haven't seen the house yet. Why is it all American? Boo. Where's the Queen?
Sherrie Hewson is basically Reg Holdsworth's wife. You know the guy who said 'negro'? Lovely. Why do we have to keep dealing with these Loose Women bitches? They are AWFUL!
Fatman Scoop, lol. I do remember the song. Him not so much. 'Undisputed king of the club. You go in the club, you're gonna hear his song.' Which club? He's 'like President Obama'.  He's gonna blow up the bathroom to annoy the other HMs. He's gonna clog the toilet strategy! OMG. LOL. That's the finest strategy I've ever heard. BOOF! At least he's upfront. He's gonna be quality. Why does he know what her hair looks like? Admittedly it looks awful tonight.
Hold on, how do they know who each other is! The Pratt/Perez strategy. Unless Loose Women is really popular in the US and Sherrie spends a lot of time in 'da club.' Whatever happened to sequester? Gone the same way as live feed, lol.
Natasha Hamilton don't like messing. Hates Americans, ha. They must think we were born yesterday. James thinks she's the one who looks like a frog from Atomic Kitten, but she isn't. She doesn't like rude people. Probably hates hospitals and liars, too. Has a fake fear of mushrooms in case of a task.
Austin someone? You might know me from the gossip pages... er.... nope. 'My friends and family would describe me as a fucking arsehole.' He likes to masturbate. Fair enough. He lives in Huddersfield?! WHY! He's upset he got booed! Even Fatman Scoop don't know who this joker is. I'm hoping he'll be a Jeremy/ Marc type.
Gail Porter. Young people don't even know she is. I found this out the hard way. I think she'll be an interesting housemate. She's certainly got the sob story. I like her, actually. I hope she'll be good value. At least she's not one dimensional. I wonder if they'll play 'Dancing in the Moonlight' if she gets evicted? There's a reference for my older readers.
Mum alliance! Natasha: 'Let me get some air...' time.
Next in someone from The Bill. Allo, allo, allo, it's DI Burnside. I mean, Chris. I didn't watch The Bill but I know the theme tune. He says there's no script so he's obviously never see BB before. He's my pick to kitchen Nazi. Sherrie is his ex wife?! Is he Reg Holdsworth?
WHAAAA! I thought Eamonn Holmes was going in. Didn't think he needed the cash. Ruth wouldn't let him be around all them Page 3 girls anyway.
Jenna Jameson has great meth face. God, she looks old. She's like this year's Tara Reid. But fatter. I mean, pear shaped. She's always got along with the Brits? Hold on, she just said she hated us. I think 'who are ya' is a bit unfair when Austin didn't get that. I know who she is. Mic pack fail.
BUT FIRST! Stevi Richie and Chloe Jasmine. A walking magazine deal. Are they playing as one? Toilet talk. Ugh. I kind of like these two, I don't know why. They are fake as fuck. If you think they're really fucking, you've damn well lost your mind. Great hashtag. It looks like 'evict Chloe Jasmine'. Ha!
Farrah Abraham. Er... 16 and pregnant... how old is she now? Sex tape... business woman... nose job. Ah, she's playing the Jade Goody card. Standard. She's reimagined the Geri Halliwell Union Jack dress. Apparently she's 24. Born in 1924, more like.
Next in someone off The Apprentice. James Hill. Me neither. Bring back Stuart Baggs. He hates dirty places. I love them. Britain is the nucleus of the world. Arsehole of the world, more like.
I think they've spent the budget on the dry ice as they go in.
Tequila thingy is in next. She was the first to do a selfie, LOL. Terrovision, classic. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE? She'd bone Prince Harry. He'd prob be up for it. if not, Prince Philip. Five alter egos? Marlissimo was enough. There's never been a good one. I don't think this is going to break that pattern. 'I don't drink but I'll have some red wine.' I don't do drugs, but pass the crack pipe.
Talking of which, here's another cokehead Baldwin. Daniel. They're the brothers who keep on giving. Kill or be killed. He's like the lost Gallagher brother. Ha, he said his brother got the early boot. I thought he made it halfway at least. He said he was gonna make Alex Reid the next James Bond, I know that much.
Hey, where's Dean Gaffney? Send Wellard at least.
Oh God, what 'twist' are they going to unleash now? A cannon, ooh, looks promising. WHAT, no one's going in the cannon?! BOO. This could be a fix. Some heads could be on firmer than others.
It's dull as fuck, either way. Who cares who's not invited to the party? Ha, this is going well. LOL.
They made Farrah, Scoop and A.Another immune. 
Bobby Davro vs Janice Dickinson doesn't seem like much of a fair fight.
Chanting 'UK UK UK' doesn't work as well as USA, does it?
Check out our podcast later for more, but with James: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm

Big Brother 2014: (This series was not) Absolutely fantastic

What's the opposite of 'absolutely fantastic'? Big Brother 2014. It was the series that almost killed my blog; and I blame Helen. No, I don't, I blame the production. Never has more of a mess been made of things, and never have viewers been more insulted. And we saw Conor walk out of there with a bag full of swag. And still that wasn't as much of an insult as this sham of a series. Quite something, isn't it?
This will be the last blog I do about Big Brother 2014, but I'll be back yapping for CBB next week and hoping it's more of a Lee Ryan taps-on affair than a Abz swan-apple yawnathon (no offence to Abz or his lovely swan apple).
If you've been listening to our podcast you'll be in the loop with my feelings on the season, but this week in particular it has felt like Big Brother is determined to edit Ashleigh in a bad light and Helen positively. Do they think we can't see through it? Ashleigh isn't MY winner, but she deserves it a damn sight more than raging nutcase alwaysintheright Helen. Helen has nor redeemed herself. You can't be one way for two months then another for ten minutes and fool people. You just can't.
Christopher was my winner for the past two weeks or so for being generally a sweet soul, but the constant interference even destroyed that for me last night, when Chris spinelessly saved pointless Pav over Chris. The fact ANYONE is still eating up that journey bullshit is CRIMINAL. Pav has barely been to the shops and back. Chris has been living in fear of Helen for two plus months, his only salvation in a packet of Golden Virginia. Let's get the 'journeys' into perspective, and then never say the word journey again.
This is a series so horrendously bad that Ash; a man who cheerfully said 'I'd hate to go out with a girl who's a slut', called a woman a 'maggot' to her face and said 'put some of the water back in the pool' (behind her back) when the same woman (Slugsworth, if you must know) was trying to enjoy herself, is now some sort of hero. Like some kind of potential winner, just because he says 'absolutely fantastic' in a funny voice (admittedly, it is genius). Meanwhile, dumbo Winston got Tamara foisted back on him, and Mark and his LIES spectacularly unravelled, leaving him to hang up his eyebrows on the back of the Diary Room door, a bit like Daley had to do last year with Hazel's salmon pink hoodie.
The series is a MESS. The only thing the shit-for-brains producers have stuck to is doggedly refusing to take Helen's pass of her, despite her temper tantrums, cruelness and general bullying (yeah I said it) and undoubtedly, viewers switching off in droves.
Anyway, tonight's show is just Ashleigh getting stitched up, and Chris cringing. Helen can't even explode with Chris there, they are too mismatched a pairing. It's no good having a secret room unless the people collude. It's not exactly Gina and Dexter, is it?
Helen's keeping her enormous gob shut for once - she's no fool, she's got her eyes on the prize (t.m. Pav's mum, but not quite) and she's not going to blow it now. Well, not until she had a can of whisky, anyway.
So now they're doing a task making Ashleigh and Pav insufferable. The old Dustin treatment, hey! They must think we were BORN YESTERDAY. Yet some people are, and will probably fall for it. Sigh.
I kind of feel sorry for Helen having no one to bitch with in that room. She can't call Ashleigh a cunt to Chris, so she just has to simmer to herself. Quite funny when you think about it. The long and short of this is Chris has got live feed, and not one other thing to do in that room, and even HE can't be bothered to watch it. Are Big Brother trying to make a point or what, lol. Don't worry, I won't start going on about outside contact. 
Hmm, this is quite a boring episode, isn't it, I should have done last night. Watching people watching TV, it's like Gogglebox without the laughs, or Beavis and Butthead without the music videos. Last night had two fake evictions, Iris doing the zingbot voice and Ash as a psychologist. And for all the jokes on Twitter about Helen, that picture DID look like a dick that was split in half!
The fake interview section was quite boring, with Pav saying he wants to earn £10K a month and live in a mansion. I think Chris's questions were the problem. Is it a fact the egg came before the chicken? No it is not. He's like the Richard Dawkins of the chicken/egg conundrum. Chris is being a bit of a party pooper tonight.
Why is Helen crying in the Diary Room? Why isn't she going mad over Ashleigh? Why is Chris always trying to cuddle her? Why oh why oh why.
Now, let's see who looks GENUINELY happy when Chris and Helen return! Ash thinks it's fantastic, but not absolutely fantastic, which just isn't good enough. They all actually look quite happy. Chris is REALLY happy to see other people again! Not exactly fight night, is it?
Ash: 'I thought we'd got rid of them!' and 'what's happening, dragon?' to Helen, lol. Ash has become the king of the one liners. Ash is funnier than Chris, for reals. Shame he's a complete knob, also.
Oh, Helen's going down the sympathy route, rather than down 'put 'em on blast' route. She must think we have short memories, and you know what, she's right. Look how quickly that 'creepy Chris' edit took hold.
Is that Pav's actual necklace, or has he just kept his bling on from the task? Either way, weak gameplay.  Never wear the crown, the HOH robe, or any other regalia. Especially no dictator uniforms.
I'm glad Christopher is feeling guilty for evicting Chris, so he should. You lost my vote, Christmas. As it stands now, Chris is my winner, but I don't really mind who wins out of Chris, Ashleigh or Christopher. If Chris wins, it's a victory for the viewers, as he said what we were thinking (yeah behind people's backs, and so would you, probably). If Christopher wins, it would be a slap in the face to Pauline, Toya and Mark, who made him feel small. If Ashleigh wins, it will drive Helen mad. And that's as good a reason as any. If by some weird reason Ash wins, I wouldn't even begrudge him it. I wouldn't even begrudge Helen as she's at least put the spade work in, in her own sick way. Pav though! That journey! No way, mate. Not on my watch.
Helen, no amount of bitterness towards Ashleigh can win it for you now. So just stop it. Someone on Twitter said to me tonight 'how come when Ashleigh bitches it's OK?' and the answer is, because Ashleigh has not terrorised the house for two months plus. If people think they're in any way similar, they're mad. Ashleigh is a normal girl, Helen has a screw loose. I like certain sides to Helen, but she's a loose cannon and needs a good couple of years of therapy. Ashleigh is perfectly sane and has been quite patient, if anything.
Helen is desperately jealous of Ashleigh, and Ashleigh has the effortless respect of the men in the house. Ash is Helen's 'best friend/sidekick' and he takes the mick out of her all the time. Plus his mum will ground him if he tries to hang out with Helen in the outside world.
Ash just did a toast that included not one but TWO (count them) 'fantastics'. Bit of a waste of wine, though.
So that's it from me! I'm off to Sweden for a wedding at 7am on Friday morning so I'll be avoiding spoilers (can't imagine the Big Brother winner is front page news in Sweden) and catching up when I get back on Sunday.
We WILL be doing a wrap up podcast, so do give us a listen if you like that sort of thing. I do it with my boyfriend James and he's funnier than me, which is annoying. And check out Big Brother US if you love Big Brother in general. It's great fun and we podcast that, too.
See you for Celebrity Big Brother on Monday and thanks for reading. I really appreciate the hardcore gang of us left clinging on, and the bitching on Twitter has been very enjoyable, funny and imaginative, unlike this series of Big Brother. You're all absolutely fantastic.

Big Brother 2014: S.T.E.V.E.N.P.U.S.H.O.F.F

I haven't written a blog since I was called shallow and illiterate - too busy crying. Not really, I've been wondering how they're gonna fix Big Brother next. At least I predicted it in my last blog; we were enjoying the show too much; they had to ruin it again, by putting the favourite up. And the most scary part was, Steven could have been saved from the block with that stupid twist. That could have actually happened. Scary, isn't it?
Why has Zoe got a hunchback? Perhaps she's growing a tail. New housemates got shafted big time by the old housemates this week; they're not gameplanning, they're just boring. I actually feel a bit sorry for them because they're being ostracised for no reason. Helen's dressed like X Factor US era Cheryl Cole.
They are showing Ashleigh saying she doesn't think she's going! Mixers. It's another few quid in the pocket of Bruv, innit.
The old housemates patronising Pav is quite annoying. I wish Winston would get off his case.
I don't think Chris needs tasks that make him look more creepy. And I don't think Zoe gives many 'lob ons'. Mark is more assaulting Christopher than arousing him.
BBUK housemates are not cut out for endurance. Good to see them strategising already, though. Steven: 'I could stay here all night.' Just like his sex sessions. I see the gunge is back. They must have got a job lot off ebay. But the REAL task is... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Get who out? Sounds like Zoe. Yet she had the fewest votes, WTF. I don't get why Pav is getting booed.
Kimberly is Steve's friends and family now. Tragic. Are they chanting 'cheat' at her? I wish Steven's mum would fuck off. That friends and family section went on for aeons.
Why don't Mark and Steven judge the newbies on face value and not on hearsay?
Mark treats Christopher like a piece of shit. He's like a mini Pauline the way he treats Christopher. His game has gone out the window this week.
Steven it's too late for 'journey' talk. Hit the road. Did Zoe really say she was only fit to talk to celebs? Dearie me. And once she was safe, too!
Are the crowd really chanting 'get Pav out'? But it was Steven! Thank god.
He has to have the eye shut during his interview like a proper hate figure. He looks under the cosh. Of course you don't agree with people putting you up, idiot.
No 30 seconds to say goodbye to Kimberly, boo hoo. Steven didn't look embarrassed about ANY of his highlights. Shameless.
Five people have had sex in the Big Brother house? Is the odd number Kinga?
Emma going on at Steven about the sex. Blah. Ooh, she's mentioning him being controlling, good. And the photos. Steven doesn't get it and will never get it. I honestly think he's unhinged.
Ooh, he's put on a few pounds in the house, hasn't he. No ham on toast in his best bits? Poor cow.
Kimberly nearly got smacked on the head with the eye. Their cuddle was so awkward! Steven wants booze, not robo-fanny. I doubt if his mum will leave his side all night, the interfering old bag.
We have the power to protect a housemate? The REAL task will probably be that they get the boot. This is what happens when you lose the trust of your viewers. That and your ratings go the way of Mark's popularity. Night!

Big Brother 2014: Battle of the blands

Run bilious blog.
Hiya! Thought I'd better do a blog NOT on an eviction night for once. I do feel I've dropped the ball with my blog; but then Big Brother have dropped the ball with these housemates, so I guess it's checkmate. Still: I'll soldier on and just pray for a better series next time, or for someone who gives a shit about Big Brother to buy it. Live feeds don't work? Seem to be working in BBUS just fine. Our BB is so cheap and nasty in comparison, it makes me feel grubby. Also, these new housemates are hopeless. Danielle for them was NOT a good swap. Everyone is so odious at this point that Helen and Ash are looking positively charming. How did THAT happen?!
Some other things: I'm fed up with Chris getting singled out in EVERY SINGLE task. Can you remember the last time Helen got stitched up? That someone saw Helen bitching? No, because it's never happened. Maaaaaaark's game is unraveling fast, and the weaker he gets, the stronger and more sane Christopher seems. He's sweet and charming, and you can't say that for anyone else in the house. He's my pick to win right now.
Ashleigh sold Danielle down the river way too fast for my liking, but it's not like Danielle didn't do it to her as well (letting Helen call Ashleigh a bitch) so I'll call that a draw.
So Kimberly was gone for good (not a great shock there) and they give psycho Steve a PHONE CALL. Why, exactly?! Big Brother is about making people SWEAT about the outside world, not reassuring them, and especially not reassuring this entitled prick. He really does get everything he wants, and I can't bear it. I hope he chokes on his ham and toast. Are we missing Kimberly? No, we are not. Still, an interview with her would be nice. Even ejected housemates get an interview. What gets her off the hook? Hospital? She was in the morgue a couple of weeks ago and still looked lively.
Anyway, onto tonight. Battle of the bands! They did this in BBAU and it was really good. The song they sang was really catchy and got stuck in my head. They spend a few quid on their tasks, though, unlike us. They recorded their vocals and everything. Can't see that happening here.
Did Ash and Helen do more under the covers? I don't know and I'm happy not to know. Let's just use our imagination, or not as the case may be. All the 'jokes' on Twitter about her invoicing Ash etc are absolutely pathetic (as opposed to absolutely fantastic) by the way. But we do love to slut shame, don't we. People just cannot resist it. Ash and Helen are well matched; I just don't have much confidence in him to stick by her (even as a friend) once his mum has her say.
Mark not choosing Christopher for his team! What a prick. Mark's treatment of Christopher is really poor. And Christopher's little face, too. Aw.  
So it's Florence and the (Dialysis) Machine vs The Killers. How can people not know how Mr Brightside goes? Animals! Dear God, I hate Zoe. She loves herself SO much! She's super bossy, too. It's like doing karaoke with someone who can actually sing. Annoying. It reminds me of when Rex's girlfriend came in and did Thriller. That's the only thing I can remember about her. Except she was a complete cunt.
Aw, Christopher at the back is too cute. Nice to see Ashleigh with a smile on her face for once, too.
Mark is getting The Killers confused with Bon Jovi, lol. Winston during that song made me cry with laughter. Ashleigh bitching about them was funny, as well. The Killers was clearly more entertaining! Haha, and they won. Hilarity.
Mark getting overruled on inviting Ashleigh to the party. Talk about outvoted. Helen is so bossy! How Ash ever stayed on the block when the boys were up is beyond me with Helen 'alwaysintheright' in his corner.
I don't blame Ashleigh for being annoyed! On Helen: 'She's an absolute tramp.'Weeeeeeelll (refer to my earlier comment).
Christopher pining over Mark; Mark was the weak link in the band if anything. Oh God, Helen's on the cider. God help us.
I like Ashleigh's reaction to being chosen as the power housemate. I voted for Christopher! I'm glad Ashleigh got it, though. Shit though, everyone who's been the power housemate has pretty much left so far. Mind you, it's secret so maybe that will help her. I'd say her acting was so/so when it got announced. Steven: 'I think Pauline's coming back in.' What?! Finger so not on the pulse .
Detective Winston is on the case of the power housemate! He needs the moustache again. Ashleigh seems somewhat drunk for someone who doesn't drink. And Chris is doing a drunk diary room.
Helen fretting about losing her pass. Steven trying to force Ash and Helen into a relationship! Stop! It's not good to be a hash pusher.
ARE Big Brother going to give Ashleigh the power to evict Helen? That would be delicious. So they probably won't.
Helen would give her pass to the final to STEVEN! Argh! Why is she always so rude to Christopher! It's horrible. Her and Mark should be ashamed. I hope Mark doesn't win, purely because of his treatment of Christopher. I'd rather see Winston take it as at least he sticks up for people.
Ashleigh likes having the power, because she likes hatching evil plans. Can she finally finish off what she started with Ash this week? I like it when she's super confident in the diary room. She looks stunning again when she's not carping in the corner. Are we actually going to have a happy week? Happy happy house? Nah, don't be silly. I'm sure they'll think of a way to fuck it right up. Remember Toya was the power housemate and went home? Expect the unexpected. And unwanted. And unfair. Night all!

Big Brother 2014: This is a really nasty bunch of people

Evening! So, three new housemates and all of them pure arseholes. Good work, Big Brother.
So only the two SAVED new housemates get to vote on which original housemate to evict.Save Pav, in that case, as he's the only one talking sense.
OMG Kimberly is ill and has temporarily left the house and is SAFE from eviction. She won't be back. I can't believe Steven allowed her out. What's wrong with her? Pregnant? Getting a change of head? It's weird that she's safe from eviction. That was good timing on her part. Hopefully it increases the chances of Steven leaving.
Chris now likes all the original housemates. I think it's catching as I have warmed towards Helen and Ash this week, which is messed up. Editing!
Does Steven get the joke of 'open up to Steven'? I suspect not. Steven kind of works as a chat show host. Yay, Pav is taking down Steven's firework nonsense. Steven: 'No one came in here for the 100K'. WTF! I didn't understand how Steven could turn 100K of fireworks into 300K. I think because it made no sense.
Zoe telling Ashleigh to 'whip her hair round'. Shut up. Zoe doesn't want to smell Steven 'having a bonk'. Me either.
Biannca is pledging to do a Kinga 2. Fair dos.
Winston: 'You're not going to get the right guy saying I want to ride your cock.' Biannca: 'I don't want the right guy, I just want to sit on your cock.' That's him told.
OMG Biannca is making Danielle crying by calling her a horny devil! Aw, poor Danielle, the whole facade is crumbling. I wish Biannca would shut her giant yap.
OMG an actual advert for fanny spray. Toya, RIP.
Helen gets off the hook in these tasks EVERY TIME. Good on that injunction, hey?
LOL to Dexter's penis size getting dragged through the mud. Danielle is upset cos she's been described as 'horny'. Helen is not helping matters.
Danielle admitted about the topless stuff when Danielle wasn't there! Why is Biannca so bothered if Danielle has had sex or not? Let her be deluded if she wants. Stop trying to drag everyone down to your level, Biannca.
LOL to the sign saying 'Two second Steve #topshagger'. Good work.
Chris = not a Britney fan. 'The others are pretending to have fun'. Ha, they probably are. Chris was spot on, they are a nasty bunch of people and who cares what Danielle has done? So true about Helen's secret as well.
Remember when Danielle was moanging about Helen working out topless?! Now Bianca is rolling round naked. LOL. They're wrapping her in a piece of cardboard. Danielle's not happy.
'Stop touching my face.' How romantic.
Helen and Ash getting off! Took them long enough. Is Kimberly gonna crawl along the floor and bang her head on his bed?
What are the crowd chanting? 'You slept with Steven?' 'Two second Steven?' Shame Kimberly's not there to hear that. Mind you, she already knows.
Noobs eviction! Is Zoe wearing a leather top? She's bold in this heat. Why is Pav getting booed?
Biannca is leaving! That's good as she was too in with Helen. I wasn't sure who would go. Hopefully Pav and Zoe will make a sensible decision.
OMG to Biannca getting her boobs out at the top of the stairs. Emma is not impressed. She's such a prude, ha. Biannca is getting 'who are ya' chanted at her. I can't believe they're interviewing her out there. Poor thing! At least I don't have to type 'Biannca' anymore. Here's your best tits. Let's face it, we'd seen all that Biannca had to offer.
Shit it's the real eviction. The crowd seem keen for Steven to go, right. OMG they evicted Danielle. No way, she shouldn't have gone like that. Totally unfair. Listen to the crowd, you fuckwits. They didn't even give a reason.
Danielle's going all sultry as she's evicted! She's changing back to her old persona! She looks great in that dress. She actually looks sexy!
Damn right it's not fair that Danielle went. It WAS Biannca's decision too, they'd already decided FFS! Glad Danielle has got the hump, she's got every right to be. Danielle giving a politicians answer to the question of the glamour shoots. Good on her. Oh shut up, Emma, stop slut-shaming. Emma Willis could be the new Denise Robertson the way she goes on.
Danielle laughing at the clips of herself swearing - good on her. OMG! Danielle saw 'protection' on the dressing table. Lawks! At least they're using protection. I forgot about that green dress she came in wearing. It was horrid.
Aw, Danielle. You went too soon. But at least it wasn't the first week, and it could have been. Armageddon? Cuntmageddon more like.
Meanwhile, Kimberly boards a flight back to America. Fingers crossed. For her sake.

Big Brother 2014: Come Armageddon come

Nice to have a Morrissey-related title on the day his new album comes out, isn't it? Nicer still to have Armageddon; if only they'd wipe this lot out for real.
So why is tonight's episode only an hour!? Surely we need longer for three new housemates and an eviction. What about the highlights?
Who goes? They decide. Not quite got the same ring to it, has it? I don't trust these lot to make the right decision, that's the problem! They keep fucking it up.
'Mark is feeling regretful.' Five minutes later: 'No regrets.' Mark has 'thrown himself into the full experience.' Well you could have done it on camera and not in a blind spot in the storeroom, spoilsport! Sort your cameras out, Big Brother. Get your angles in order. I like the Mark and Christopher romance. And they know how to get it on DISCREETLY under the covers.
Mark being all cagey around Christopher now and Christopher covering for him, pretending nothing happened. Maybe Mark's parents are really conservative?
I don't even know what Ashleigh and Danielle are getting pissy with each other about. I enjoyed the raft wars yesterday, it was actually quite a fun episode with the focus off psycho Steve and the robot.
Remind me not to tell Ash any secrets, blabbermouth. Aw, Christopher likes Mark 'a little bit.' I think their relationship is so cute and fragile. I don't think either of them know what they want. I think Christopher is right that Mark likes him more than he'd admit. Christopher's Mark impression was startlingly good.
Chris having a little sing to the moon there. It's like Eastenders, isn't it? Only more depressing.
WTF so they nominated yesterday and we don't even get to SEE the nominations! Why aren't they doing it live? Oh I know, so they can fix the result, ie. make it the person with the most nominations as opposed to making the other housemates choose between them if they didn't like that result. I see you, Big Brother! I know your game.
It's got to be Marlon. Please! OMG it was. Thank God. Is he going out with no top on? LOL Marlon is getting evicted naked to no crowd. Hilarity. He seems to be taking it in good humour. I've never seen him so perky. Maybe him pressing that button last week wasn't so bad after all! Byeeeeeeee! Imagine if it HAD been Ashleigh though? I've even warmed to that maggot Ash in the past week. BB was playing with fire there; well, if they hadn't already fixed it beforehand, that is.
Marlon getting interviewed in a dressing gown from Jo O' Meara's autumn collection is quite fitting. It is sad when they don't get the crowd, I think, even if they are an arse. But that's the way it goes sometimes.
Marlon got nominated by everyone, didn't he? Oh, everyone except Danielle and Ashleigh apparently. Feel a bit jibbed that we didn't get to see all the nominations, I would have like to have seen the reasons for Ash, at least.
I don't know why Emma is going Marlon such a hard time about the button pushing thing, because he dug his own grave anyway. He's sitting there in the grossest looking dressing down I've ever seen and everyone in the house will have forgotten his name by midnight. I feel sorry for him really, the sheen really came off. He had no personality, no game, nothing. 
Marlon's best bit was getting evicted in his underpants. And his reaction to the new housemates, lol. Christ, did Emma have to speak to him for so long? Not much time for new housemates, is there? Bollocks.
All housemates up for eviction this week! I hope Steven goes.
LOL Helen's face at the new housemates! Her lips are TIGHT. This is all going TOO FAST. I can't keep up. Couldn't they have made tonight's show an hour and a half? They are showing the VTs, so it's lucky Pauline's not in there.
First in Zoe, a singer from Pop Idol. I don't remember her. She doesn't like lethargic people. You're lucky, Marlon's just gone. She doesn't like people having sex in the house. Well... tough?
Pav. An Asian guy from Essex. Studied psychology so thinks he's the next Dan Gheesling or something, probably.
Bianca is an exotic dancer who fancies Essex boys. She's got some teeth on her. Ooh, she 'says it to your face.' Toya times. God, she talks like Jordan. 'I will be having sex in the house!' Whether any man in there likes it or not. Ha! Love it. Danielle, spare us the fake shock.
The guy seems mildly interesting. The girls look the same. None of them seem like TRUE GAMERS. I want an evil genius in there. I really wish they'd just put some adonis in there that all the girls would drool over. It would be more interesting to see that dynamic and Steven's reaction than this bollocks.
WTF, they are letting these muppets choose who will be evicted this week? That's totally unfair. What if they evict Mark, or Chris or (insert your favourite here). Oh, I know what will happen. They'll take Helen's pass off her midweek and the new housemates will evict her. It's too risky otherwise! Big Brother wouldn't take an entirely pointless risk that would jeopardise the integrity of the show, would they? Hahaha! Of course they would.
It's almost like Big Brother don't WANT our money! Oh, we can boot one of the housemates. Either of the girls will do, then I'll be able to tell them apart. Still, who really gives a fuck about that? I wanted to evict psycho STEVE this week! Fuck you, Big Brother, you old cunt, and fuck Armageddon, too.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel whine.

Big Brother 2014: Wanked all over my face

Intense scenes of sexual intercourse! Dear God. Thanks for the warning. *Switches off show. Ends blog.*
Oh, actually, my friend has a banner in the audience so I'd best stay and try and spot it. Emma looks nice. 
Boos for Marlon, yay. And kind of for Jale. I've voted to evict Jale. COULD she go? Anything is possible. Including another massive disappointment.
Marlon: 'Do I pose a threat to people?' No.
Steven's secret mission... but what the he doesn't know if the real task is... oh, you get the picture.
Ugh, close your legs in the DR, Marlon, you're making me sick. He IS trying to do some gaming, you know. Pitiful, really.
Ah, I did see my friend in the audience! A big banner saying 'keep Ashleigh in' will help with that. Cool! 
Steven going loopy about Kimberly's picture of her ex boyfriend. I like the way Kimberly is kind of laughing at him. I want to see a picture of Kim's boyfriend, too. Actually, I saw some small ones online today and he looked like a cute indie kid. Kim looked carefree and happy in them. Ha, Kimberly saying Steven's reaction of chopping up the photos would be psycho. Steven: 'I feel like someone has wanked all over my face.' Gross. Weird analogy. 'I didn't ask for this' - ha. I can't believe Helen backed him up, that's total madness. Being able to be friends with your exes speaks well of you. Anyone 'chopping up' any photos of any sort is unhinged. I don't think Steven's ever had a girlfriend before. He behaves like a teenager. Or something worse.
Chris is safe. Christopher is safe. Jale and Ashleigh getting booed cos of the patriarchy. Sigh. Still, get Jale out.
Fuck! She cut up the photos! They are Polaroids, too. You can't replace those. He's really done a number on her. She won't forgive herself for that later. Taking advice from HELEN, a known psycho. Kimberly has got some ISSUES. I would never give up my memories for anyone. Steven is psychologically abusive.
Kimberly saying 'I can't show emotion and I'll tell you why when I get out of the house' says to me that might have been abused, so it's no wonder she's flocking to these abusive characters in the house. Very worrying.
Oh God, here comes the graphic bit.
'Love you'. 'No, you don't.' So romantic. Oh my God, the way she said 'I cut up the photos' like a little girl was really creepy. The way Steven holds what his imaginary ex girlfriend did over Kimberly's head is so unfair, too. This is making me sooooo uncomfortable.
Chris: 'I would wait a year for love.' Why wait a year? You're in there so you might as well have a snog and that.
OMG this bit with Steven and Kimberly is so creepy. 'I'll never leave you... unless it was exceptional circumstances.' This is making me feel ill. It's so unpleasant to watch. Urgh and now they're having sex! OMG he has no respect for her or he wouldn't do that in the house. I mean you can do it spooning a bit, but not like that. There's a line. And they were all sweaty! Ugh. So disgusting and I'm pretty OPEN minded. I feel like Danielle now, all indignant. Steven is doing it like he's got something to prove, he's shagging her like he HOPES her ex boyfriend is watching. The man is demented.
Ha, they crowd is chanting 'get Steven out' now. Mega. That will shit him up. OMG they're chanting over Emma reading out the eviction results. The crowd TURNED! You think it would be Kimberly as she's the woman, but no. They're onto him, thank God.
It WAS Jale evicted! I thought we'd done it, you know. There was just a feeling in the air. Bit anti-climatic after all that, lol. I can't enjoy it, I'm too traumatised!
Good on the everyone who evicted Jale though, we can do it when we stick together. Ooh, they're showing all the horrible things Helen said about Jale. Good. That's who you got into bed with. Do you get it now, as you're sitting there? They spelt out very clear for her who the villian was, there. I wonder if she will actually get it. She doesn't seem stupid.
I think Jale's explanation of why she wanted to give Helen a chance was quite fair, that she saw herself in her. Still the wrong decision, though. Emma should have dug her out a bit more about the way she treated Chris. I wonder if Helen will actually care that Jale went in the end?
'Get Steven' 'dirty people' and 'Yes Ashleigh' are now trending on Twitter, haha. Ooh, what did Marlon look like when Jale got evicted? I feel like I need a rewind on that whole part.
OMG Ashleigh moaning about being saved on the bit of live feed at the end. Be grateful FFS. You've got to laugh.
So it's confirmed, three new housemates going in on Monday. God help us. Come, Armageddon, come. I want to see skin falling off, Helen with eight eyes and the Big Brother house reduced to a nuclear wasteland.

Big Brother 2014: 0.3737262 of a Mississippi

I think I might be on Big Brother overload as tonight I've watched two episodes of Big Brother US and we've done our UK Big Brother Bile podcast. We are having a week's worth of Big Brother in one night! God help us. This is what happens when your boyfriend does overtime. It's like a task just catching up with it all and enduring the UK version.
Jale moaning about people talking behind her back... behind others' backs.
Mark getting some outside contact, lol. They've made Mark's eyebrows too SMALL! That's not HD. It's LD.
Those Twitter messages Christopher and Winston saw are so BIASED. Anti Ashleigh and anti Danielle! Winston denounced Danielle quick smart. Boo. Don't worry, Christopher, Winston knows full well what hypocrisy means.
I would SO be making up a few tweets if I was Christopher and Winston. 'The whole country hates Helen', for example.
Kimberly is half being reasonable with Danielle and Ashleigh, but I still don't get why she backs Helen so much. I do not get her taste in people whatsoever. 
The safety app. Well we all know who pushes the button in 0.3737262 of a Mississippi. The biggest twat in the house. And that's a house with Steven, Helen and Ash in. WHY did Big Brother give Marlon the opportunity to do it! I just don't get it. It's obvious the most selfish person would take it.
Christopher told Ashleigh to drain it! Interesting. So he would have been happy for her to do it, but not Marlon?
Ashleigh: self proclaimed 'not a game player.' The others acting all sanctimonious is a bit rich, though. Who knows what they would have done in that sitiation?
Don't get me wrong; I hate Marlon's guts. But this lot being holier than thou is a joke. This could actually HELP Marlon's game if the others gang up on him. He's looking victimised right now. I was SO angry about this last night but the others are looking just as bad.
Winston keeps getting aerated, doesn't he? I quite like that side of him, though. Makes a change from the usual gormlessness.
The others all used the battery too, let's not forget. I can't believe I'm defending fucking Marlon, but seriously. The others are all in one group picking on one person. Is Mark not going to defend Marlon now, lol.
The others are pissy cos they wanted Marlon to go, I reckon. They're not that bothered about food.
Even Ash is having a dig at Marlon! Danielle is the only one speaking to him. Ash is defending Ashleigh! LOL. Desperate. Winston: 'Face eviction like a man.' Yes, not like a woman, whatever you do. Bad timing for the loo there, Christopher, you're missing a row here. Why is Winston so bothered? Why is Ash so bothered?! Mind you, I was so angry about this yesterday. I think I've just given up today. I'm just resigned to it all. Keep talking, Jale. Keep digging! 'You can't pick and choose your friends.' Unless you're Jale.
Steven, you're 23, you've got Big Brother brain, stop talking about marriage. Cut to Kimberly rolling her eyes. Probably when they have sex is the only time Kimberly DOESN'T roll her eyes.
Helen's counselling of Marlon wasn't very comforting. Steven: a bad judge of character? Never.
Ash thought Marlon was selfless? Are you brain damaged, Ash? Jerk.
Loved Helen doing the international gesture for fingering. You think Grimberly would wait until the others are akip. Helen is bold, I wouldn't go near that. OMG her banging her head was funny. Passion killer! I like naught Helen, just not scary Helen. Kimberly probably prearranged the intervention. Who could blame her?

Big Brother 2014: You have allowed me to fall in love with you

I'm only just getting over Grimberly's antics last night and looks like they're gonna proper shaft Ashleigh tonight, too. Great.
So, in tonight's app zone task we get contact with the outside world and very specific information, too, stitching Kimberly RIGHT up. Are all housemates going to get stitched up equally? Will queen Helen get stitched up? Somehow I doubt it.
Steven's mum: 'The housemates are all wonderful.' Are you watching a different show? She shouldn't be allowed to say shit about Kimberly's personal life. Kimberly is twitching. Don't clam up now, Kimberly.
Steven is stringing this out, almost enjoying it. I hate him. 'She needs to start opening up.' Argh! Close it! Stop saying it!
I am going to get sick of this Steven and Kimberly bullshit VERY fast, especially if it dominates the whole show. They're both fake as fuck, neither will see each other outside the house, so why do we have to suffer through this tedium?
Danielle's dog is cute. I used to have a chihuahua. Don't you think that's scary for a dog to have all that emotion put on you like that? I liked the way the dog popped out of the bag on BOTS but they cut that bit. That was the best bit. Can we do a dog swap and have Coco instead of Helen? (Meow)
FFS Steven it's OBVIOUS that Kimberly DID have a boyfriend or she wouldn't be twitching so much! Get a fucking clue, you gorm! 'Intimately involved'. Why doesn't he speak like a normal person? I can't BEAR HIM.
Oh good, they're showing Marlon being sexist twat. Get Marlon out!
Kimberly, you are not IN LOVE with Steven. How could ANYONE be IN LOVE with Steven? Even his own mother would struggle to love him. He's not even a real person. He's a soundbite! Look at his fucking eyebrows. He's not a man. He's pathetic.
Kimberly: 'I forget how to speak.' I can safely say I have never had that problem in my life. I'm not surprised she forgets how to speak though, with him droning on all the time. He's a control freak. He's going to use this as a stick to beat her with, and he's going to enjoy it. No wonder he looks 40.
I hate this 'gossip app' thing. It's so unfair on Ashleigh. Big Brother is just being too unfair right now. Oh and they're stitching up Chris, too. Brilliant. Why are they giving the cunts the advantage?! I can't stand it. My blood pressure is going up, I swear.
Finally, Helen vs Ashleigh, although totally engineered. Mark is at least being fair, saying it's not just Ashleigh. I know Mark plays up the 'voice of reason' thing, but sometimes, he is actually the voice of reason! Ugh, Jale lording it over Chris, I can't BEAR it! I suppose she's never said anything bad about Chris, right? I can't STAND HER. Ash called you a MAGGOT and you're still up his cunt. Stupid cow.
Helen: 'If I was bullying I'd get her on her own.' I bet she fucking would. Like Helen's never said anything about Ashleigh! Fucking nonsense. ARGHHHHHHHH!
I cannot STAND this show at the moment. It's deathly boring, and then horribly unfair. Sort it out or I'm quitting the podcast too, I can't be bothered promoting their shit show when they can't be bothered to actually make it fair, or decent. And I know I'm throwing another strop but this is getting beyond a joke now. It's not fun to watch in any way. I also heard someone has been saved from eviction, which just kills this week. How could they let it happen? In BBUS they RIG IT to keep the popular people in if needed. Can't BBUK sort their shit out?
OMG RED FLAG! Steven: 'As long as you don't have any communication with him.' WTF. How dare you tell someone who they can speak to?! That is a SERIOUS red flag. He is going to use this and use this and turn it into a big pity party for him. I really hope Kimberly wises up and tells him to go fuck himself. I'd personally like to take a match to the whole house. Wankers.

Big Brother 2014: Put 'em on finger blast

I'm back, bitches, by unpopular demand. My post-Matthew strop is over, but let's face it, the material I'm left to work with is not great. Helen: a one-woman mission to put everyone in the vicinity on blast. Steven and Kimberly: the world's creepiest showmance (Marriage! Looking at 'places'! Seriously!) and the mysterious non-union of Winston and Danielle. Still, I'll do my best with the slim pickings. Come, Armageddon, come.
When they're trying to make Christopher an interesting character, you know things are going down the pan, fast. I'm not even commenting on Mark pretending to say things wrong.
Why has Ashleigh got a full face of make up today? Is it a special occasion? Even Danielle's got some lippy on, even if it is a mum colour. Everyone says they don't think Winston likes Danielle, but I think Winston likes the challenge of Danielle. I think he knows he can crack her. And fuck you, Tamara. You knew him for a WEEK. You don't have dibs, despite showergate. Why does no one care about Tamara anymore? Oh cos no one did in the first place, she was just a stick to beat Kimberly with.
Why is Steven listing the ages of everyone in his family as if he's writing a tabloid? The man is an absolute freak show.
Nom noms! Christopher: Steven and Winston. Why bother nominating Winston?! He won't go.
Helen: Ashleigh (shocker!) for being 'one of the biggest gobs in the house.' One of the biggest, so who's got the biggest again?! LOL. Also, she nominated Christopher, because she had to talk to him for 48 hours, as she was stuck in the morgue with him. You're hardly Princess Diana visiting landmine amputees, Helen. You spoke to someone and didn't shout at them for a short period of time. Congrats!
Chris nominated Marlon (thank fuck) for being stroppy. How about for being a total prick? Also, Steven. Well, can't argue with that. No Ash, though? Fail.
I couldn't live three seconds in that house with Marlon, he's disgusting. I can't BEAR HIM.
Ooh, Winston nominated Chris. Boo. I'm not surprised Chris is constantly watching you, Winston, he's probably wondering why your mouth is always hanging open. He also nominated Ashleigh. Trying to get Danielle on his own, is he?!
Ashleigh nominated Ash. Not a great shock there. Ashleigh looks cute today. Ashleigh is in my top three right now. She's got balls. She also nommed Kimberly. Why! Nominate Marlon! You might as well nominate a bottle of shampoo as Kimberly. The shampoo probably has more controversial opinions.
Steven nominated Ashleigh for saying that 'he's too good for Kimberly.'What a prick. That's a compliment. He also nominated Chris for not having a 'journey'. He's ALWAYS gunning for Chris. What's your journey, Steven, getting your heart stamped on by the coldest woman in history? She's so cold she makes that woman out of Catterick look warm.
Here's a shit decision for you, Helen: Pauline giving you the pass to the final. I'm sick of shit decisions being made, too. 'The golden barge...' LOL. Quick, shut the lock. So because Helen told Christopher something about her personal life, she thinks she can talk to him like a piece of crap forevermore. And everyone just sits there.
WTF Kimberly WANTS to live with Steven? Why does she always look like he stinks of shit when he comes within eye-roll range of her?
Oh, nominations are still going on. I'd forgotten. Marlon nommed Ashleigh and Christopher, Christopher for having a go at Helen. Funny, innit?
Danielle nominated Christopher for not inviting her to that crap Christmas party where Mark was squealing like a wounded fox shut in a car door. She also nominated Marlon. Hurrah. Why is no one nominating Ash this week? Can we get Marlon out this week, pretty please?
Kimberly nominated Ashleigh for being 'disingenuine.' Maybe that's a word in America? She also nominated Danielle. God, she really has gone to the dark side. So cool with Ash and Marlon then, slutbuckets extraordinaire? Pathetic. Kimberly: 'I sometimes don't show how I feel.' I've got stuffed animals that are more affectionate than her.
I love Danielle's horror at Kimberly and Steven moving in together. Separate rooms! Ha. I didn't like it when she was being horrible about Kimberly a week or two ago, but Kimberly fully deserves it now, so fuck her.
I HATE riddles. I also hate jokes. Mark's riddle was almost quite good. That's not a good sign.
What are Steven and Slugsworth sniggering about? Pair of cunts.
Oh I thought nominations were over. It's endless! Ash nominated Ashleigh (surprise) and Danielle (boo).
Jale nominated Chris (hiss) and Ash (not all bad then).
Maaaaaaark nominated Kimberly for being 'emotionally closed'. No flies on him, is there? Thank God Mark nominated Marlon. Someone gets it. Mark is the only person to get no nominations! Whoop.
God, imagine Ash and Winston living together? They'll probably move into that old council flat that Josie and John James shared with that third wheel JJ. They'll probably throw in the decks and a magazine deal for free. I'm getting angry now, etc.
Guys, if we can't band together and get Marlon out this week, what good are we? We might as well do a joint suicide pact. If Ashleigh goes, I'm going to be LIVID. It's all decent people and then Marlon. Do the right thing, for God's sake.
What's Helen shocked about? Shouldn't she be happy that Ash is safe?
LOL, 'how could anyone nominate Chris'? The house is full of wankers! That's how.
Who's going to tell Steven that Big Brother IS a game! Fucking idiot. The man is a PRICK. Good judge of character?! He's going out with a FACSIMILE. I'm tired of this knobhead, seriously. He's got to go soon.
Ugh, who's snoring in that bedroom? Gross. Bet it's Slugsworth. Is Steven masturbating or 'fingerbanging' Kimberly? UGH! 'Open it?!' Open what! I'm hoping it was her mouth, but I think it's her rock hard fanny. He needs a bulldozer of some sort. Definitely mining equipment. That was 100% grotesque. That could put someone off sex for life. I'm traumatised. Play it into the house! Show Danielle! She'll probably pretend to faint.
PS: Sorry if you're waiting for the podcasts! My partner in bile is working overtime but we'll be catching up midweek - I can assure you it will be worth the wait. SMH.

Big Brother 2014: Always in the wrong

I haven't blogged all week which isn't a good sign! I think this week has actually been better; they spent a few quid on the morgue task and Winston's moustache was worth the entry fee alone. I enjoyed the ridiculous deaths. Ashleigh proved her mettle as a true gamer; pretending she liked Steven to secure Ash's place on the block. There was more FUN (t.m. BBBOTS) and I enjoyed the showmance between Winston and Danielle. Her luring him into bed then kicking him out was great. Not so much the no-mance between human statue Kimberly and human cringebag Steven. Why DID Kimberly get into bed with Steven? She must be fucking desperate. 'I'm really happy.' Tell your face, then. Danielle: 'I hope there was no hanky panky. Was it a French kiss?' Are we in high school?!
So tonight! It HAS to be Ash, doesn't it? How can it be anyone else?
Marlon to Winston: 'Did you grab her boobs?' No, because that would be sexual assault. This guy is such a cretin. Danielle clearly wants to get her mitts on Winston's Eiffel Tower. Has Danielle really been swayed by Winston's poem/rap? Jesus Christ. She's either mental or one of the top five Big Brother players ever. Either way, she's going deep in the game.
I like Helen telling bad jokes and tipping a drink over herself like the bloke in the cider advert. The blokes probably liked the wet t-shirt too, except Matthew. I saw Matthew's girlfriend on BOTS yesterday, and she didn't seem like a real person, so I think he is definitely gay.
I thought Winston liked Danielle for her 'assets' rather than her personality. I think he DOES want to 'grab her boobs' as Marlon so eloquently put, but he doesn't quite realise all the other shit that comes with it. And I think by the time he does, it will be too late. Hard on talk! Lovely.
WTF has Christopher done to his hair? Mark's little face when he got a cheer.
Why are they chanting 'get Ashleigh out'? Why is Matthew getting booed? This crowd are dumber than Winston. Worrying.
Ugh, friends and family. Here's Matthew's beard. She is super annoying.
Ash, everyone thinks YOU are an absolute tosser, not Matthew. Marlon: 'We're the true entertainers.' You're the true tosspots.
How has Steven twigged that Kimberly is with someone else? 'I can't like you if you're someone else's.' She's not an object, Steven! But she does sits motionless for long periods, so I kind of understand the mistake. Talk about full on. It's obvious from the way she's acting that something's up. She's got a poker face, but not in this instance. Steven is way too intense. Aren't new relationships supposed to be happy? She looks permanently suicidal and he's acting like he's in Eastenders. That's Winston's job, not you.
Matthew isn't going to go, is he? The crowd finally chanting 'Get Ash out' - I think. It's hard to say. OMG it WAS Matthew! WTF. I am AGOG. I might have to stop watching this series. Seriously, he was in my top three. It's too depressing. The show is depressing as hell anyway, but my enthusiasm for it is waning badly.
I don't think I'll be blogging anymore. I guess we'll do a couple more podcasts because I don't like to quit, but I'll be fucked if I'm expending much more energy on this show. I've written this blog ever since Jade Goody vs Shilpa, pretty much every day Big Brother has been on. I've been loyal past the point of sanity. But I just don't want to anymore. I'm starting to think my Big Brother crap online is cancelling out my actual real work online. And what's the point in it? Nothing. Big Brother has no respect for people who love the show. THEY don't love the show. So why should I waste my time on it? Maybe I'll just blog the evictions? I honestly don't know right now, I feel so humpy. It's just so unjust that Helen, Marlon and Ash are in that house and Matthew's not. I'll miss his silliness with Mark.
Normally I wake up in the morning and watch the show again with my boyfriend if he's been working. Not tomorrow. Fuck you, Big Brother. I raise an eyebrow to Matthew and bid you goodnight.

Big Brother 2014: Boo it to your face

Well, what a horrible week it's been in the Big Brother house. The reason I haven't blogged every day is because how many different ways can I say I hate these people and the arguing is depressing? It's been  painful to watch.
But is there hope Ash might go tonight? My only mistake is I'm hoping. But Danielle survived against Tamara, and Toya has been given a quiet edit for a day or two, so there is hope. I think the hatred for Helen is strong and whoever in the house said 'guilt by association' was right. Ash could be in big trouble.
I see Ashleigh failed in her mission to stop Danielle wearing 'the eyelashes that make her look like a transvestite' - her words, not mine. I think Danielle looks fine dolled up. It's a relief when any of the girls have their make up on!
Helen reminds me of kids who have free travel on the bus and only have it revoked if they misbehave. Helen HAS the free travel, and still she keeps banging on the driver's booth. So take the fucking Oyster card of her, Big Brother, you baby. Or she's going to stab someone on the top deck. Have I laboured that enough?
Chris giving it the bi-curious storyline! True gaming. You're not 10% gay if you've never even kissed a guy. I think you'd have to at least do a handjob for 10%.
Danielle and Ashleigh: the world's dreariest washer women.
Matthew is getting on my nerves a bit now; he's got some good one liners but I don't like the way he looks down on Helen because she's a 'chav.' Hate Helen because she's Helen, by all means, but stop being so superior. You're coming across as a bit of a douche, frankly.
Setting Steven up to do this words task is quite funny because it's the sort of bullshit he would say. I'd rather he didn't do it while eating an apple, though. And when Winston is dissing you for having never read a book, you know you're a pure dimlo.
Mark is not going to be able to balance being friends with both Helen and Matthew for long.
I can't work out what the crowd are chanting. Must be 'get someone out' again.
Jale is safe. Jale WILL go at some point. Maybe when there's not 40 people on the block. Ooh, Christopher is safe too (again). And Chris! I think Chris is my favourite right now. He's is just 'someone off a course' to quote my boyfriend, but you'd be glad to be in his breakout group. Could probably get him to either do the writing or stand up and explain what your group did, too.
Toya is actually right about Jale being desperate to be liked by Helen. Jale is a total flip-flopper; as is Mark to a lesser extent.
Chris storylining with this bisexual nonsense. Never mind. We've all got to have a 'journey' right?
Ooh good they're showing this 'If Ash went, Helen would crumble' bit. Ash is twitching about it in the Diary Room too! 'I think I'm a nice guy.' Nice guys don't have to tell everyone they're nice guys. People know. You? Not so much, maggot.
Fuck, I just voted to evict Ash again. This Big Brother is getting expensive.
Eyebrow-gate! No shit Mark is a drama queen, Toya, and thank God he's in there, and I never thought I'd say that. Steven is just 'formulating opinions.' We saw Kimberly's boyfriend on BOTS so I don't think Steven's got much hope, bless him.
Uh oh, the crowd are chanting 'get Toya out'. No, don't. Winston is the only person getting a cheer now. Ash is twitching because he wasn't saved first this week. The crowd DO seem super loud tonight. And someone is chanting 'Rooney'!
Ugh, Marlon is safe so it's either Toya or Ash. Please let it be Ash!
Fuck! I can't believe it was Toya. That's £1.50 down the drain. 'Remember what I told you.' Be careful with those words in the Big Brother house. I reckon it was close, you know. Toya did get on my nerves, but she had a lot more to offer than Ash. Why is she getting booed so much? For sticking up for herself? That was a golden opportunity missed there. Total nightmare. One white woman, then two black women in three weeks. Says it all, doesn't it. It's not even fair that Toya was the power housemate and got evicted anyway. Another bullshit twist.
Toya is handling herself very well. She looks good and she's talking sense. Helen IS sucking the fun out of the house. Toya has some annoying affectations; 'conversating' for example, but I enjoyed 'beep is going to hit the fan' and the double thumbs down when she left the house.
Oh God, who's going to get the power now? It's like having leprosy. Oh, girl power. An all girls alliance. It's shameful they have to make all the girls safe just to stop them being evicted one after another. I agree with positive discrimination, it's just a shame it has to be that way. Up the patriarchy. Still, at least Ash or Marlon will go next time. And is Jale safe this week?
So no podcast until Sunday as Billy Bile is hard at work! But then I get to watch Big Brother US so it will be worth the wait! Whoop. Fingers crossed it's not wall to wall cunts like this lot.
Oh yeah, my tweet was in the Daily Star today. Probably the stupidest and least funny tweet I've ever written: I actually disagree with myself in it. So that's something. Still, rather a tweet than my boobs, hey?

Big Brother 2014: Casting you with the same brush

Right everyone calm the fuck down and put your true colours away before we see them. Cos if we see them; God help you! Argh! *puts sunglasses on*
Danielle: 'I don't know why you've put such rude, nasty people in here.' Me either. It's depressing. I can't work out who's aligned to who again this week. Danielle is being quite pathetic, not liking Kim anymore because she's friendly with Helen.
Has Helen got something in her eye? The rotten hag is leaking. She's doing some good victim blaming in the garden. Why has Kimberly aligned with horrid Helen? Oh, cos of Steven. Ugh.
Can't they cancel out Pauline's pass to the final for Helen now she's gone? Please, spare us. Who goes, we decide? Not so much.
Toya is HAPPY about being up for nomination. Pull the other one. Ugh Big Brother is so school yard tonight, girls bitching at each other. Boring. Kimberly is so patient with Danielle. Danielle needs a good shake. Ashleigh is getting as miserable as Danielle.
Another task with a twist - zzz. And another task with gunk! Zzz. And another task with no imagination - standard. Eggs, fish, gunk. Chris looks how I feel.
Winston banging his spoon against a cup like he's in prison is more interesting than what Toya's saying. Danielle on Kim and Steven: 'I don't care.' Why WOULD you care!? You clearly DO care. I don't think Danielle has ever had a boyfriend. I doubt if anyone would book her for a photshoot with Kim because she looks like hell. It looks like she hasn't washed her hair for three weeks.
Dear God, Danielle is being so out of order to Kim, slagging her off to Ashleigh. What a messed up person she is, she needs some hardcore therapy.
Nice to see Danielle letting her (greasy) hair down for once. Braveheart! A fellow homophobe (Mel Gibson, that is).
OMG Steven is so cringeworthy, and I hate that word, but he just IS. Kimberly's face when he kissed her on the cheek was a picture. Ugh, Steven telling her to let go. Maybe she doesn't WANT to let go! She IS cold. But I kind of like that about her.
Ashleigh: 'Why should gay people have to come out?' Er... so people know who they are? It's easy for straight people to say that but most gay people DO have to come out. It's not as easy as it is for her and she shouldn't think it is. It's just lip service.
Is Danielle coming onto Winston with her 'spotless house' talk? Talk about an easy target with Winston. I can't roll my eyes far enough at her one rule for me and women but I'm fairly sure she's making it up, so that makes it easier to listen to.
The pool is quite big this year, isn't it? Wasted on these arseholes. 'Come on, you bastards!' etc. At least they're having a laugh now, except a few miseries in the kitchen, including my favourite, Matthew.
Marlon having a quick grope of Danielle there. I'm surprised she didn't smack him one. 'I could crack that nutcracker.' He's all charm, isn't he?
Hold up, who's in the shower together there? Someone call Pauline! It's Kim, Jale and Chris in there. Filthy fuckers. A threesome!
Toya stop going on about your mum. And is Ashleigh not allowed to have fun cos she's got a boyfriend? She is seriously sour.
I like Kimberly's knitted onesie type thing. I don't like Big Brother at the moment. Also, there's too many people up for eviction again. There's nothing at stake when there's eight people on the block. I want to see an old school style head to head. I suppose there's about as much chance of that as the live feed coming back. Fuck you, Big Brother. We were gonna do a mid-week podcast tonight but we're too depressed - enough said really.

Big Brother 2014: I refuse to live with people like that

So I had a Big Brother blog break over the weekend and everything goes mad. The power couple got 'the power of veto' over three nominations in the house and wisely chose Marlon, Ash and Steven. Who took it REALLY well when they found out! Poor Matthew, talk about beaky in the middle. Toya's yap went into overdrive and he was left shouldering the hate of the bozos. I was pleased that Winston stood up to Toya, but the general sense of entitlement in all quarters in that house is so annoying. Toya is just plain mad and the men are apes. It's a nightmare. Still, those who said she'd be 'calm and fair' in charge must be pleased with how things are going, ha.
Wasn't really a 'secret' veto, was it? How come Chris got to do everything cloak and dagger? Toya is less hurricane and more overcast today. LOL to her calling Marlon 'barbaric.' She's not far off. I LOVED it when Toya called Winston out for peeing over the toilet seat, and her impression of Winston was funny, too. Shame she's so fucking NUTS.
Ash yesterday: 'She should have put the boring cunts up.' She DID. Mark: 'Just because someone's different doesn't make them boring.' That's a man with his eye on the prize. It's not easy to keep all sides sweet as you end up caught in between - I hope he doesn't come unstuck, and yet half hope he does.
Toya: 'I refuse to live with people like that.' Er... there's the door.
I'm glad it's Marlon overhearing things people are saying about his scummy arse this time. Piece of shit. Him, Ash and Steven are pure knobbers. Winston I can still deal with as he's funny, but he could go either way. He's acting like Toya cancelled his nomination, too.
Why is Marlon pretending he's 22 when he's 30? He's thick as shit and immature so I suppose it's a good cover story.
OMG I'm shocked to hear Ashleigh calling Helen a nasty witch! When did this happen?! Helen's getting a good nose-picking edit today. Why is Ashleigh calling Helen a slag? Good editing as usual. No clue what's going on.
Helen would be TOAST if she didn't have the pass to the final. I'm worried we're gonna end up with five or six blokes at the end, though.
Ha, the power housemates can choose someone to save. Brilliant. I'm guessing it's not going to be Ash or Marlon. Suckers. More VTs! I hope they don't go off on one like Pauline - I can't cope with any more urine-related VT bile.
LOL Big Brother have given Toya and Matthew a spy cam into that house. That's a sure fire way to diffuse an argument! *House explodes*
Matthew: 'I reckon the public are desperate to get rid of Helen.' Toya: 'She's got a hard face.' They're not wrong. I like Matthew's sunglasses but his hairy shoulders are making me gag. Matthew could go all the way at this rate, he's twitching but he's somehow getting away with things.
Matthew: 'He looks so fat' about Marlon. Everyone looks fat compared to you! Marlon IS fat, though. I like Toya and Matthew lording it. Keep Toya in, at least she's got a spine. And she laughed when Ash said he wanted to rip her head off!
The audio in that plastic box is awful, I can't hear a word they're saying. Matthew: 'I know you want to save *mumble*'.
Why did Danielle walk off when Jale asked Kimberly about Steven? I think she's jealous that no one fancies her; either that or she's just a another batshit woman in that house.
Toya to Ash: 'I felt intimidated by you.' What bollocks. Toya is the intimidator, not the intimidated. She can stand up for herself more than adequately.
OMG Toya and Matthew saved Steven! Ash looked sour. Should have kept your yap shut, stupid. LOL, Steven then had to choose who to put on the block out of Steven or Toya! That's gratitude for you.
Oh dear, Steven put Toya up. Boo! Look at Ash laughing, the prick. Please vote to evict Marlon! I really want those guys to get a smack in the face. Steven should have put Matthew up as he would have survived.
Look how cocky Marlon is! Ugh, I hate him. Oh dear, Toya's digging her own grave here with her 'own show' talk. Marlon suffers from 'chronic arrogance.' LOL.
Haha, Toya calling Marlon out on Marlicio. Keep Toya in! I love how much she winds Marlon up. Mark the peacemaker. There's no love being in that spot. '22 and works in optics.' He's 30 and works in optics! Whatever that is.
Mark: 'I don't get buses.' What is Mark talking about, why is he angry? 'You don't speak to women like that.' Like what? Great editing again.
Did they not show Toya and Matthew Danielle's same sex marriage comments? And if not, why the fuck not? Why did Toya prefer Danielle acting like a cow on the VT? Toys is pure gold, absolutely mental.
Ash is getting angry again and going super Manc.
Helen vs Toya, ding, ding! Anyone know what this is about, we don't have a clue. I thought Mark was going to go all United Nations and step in again there but he just hid behind a pole and scuttled off again.
Danielle and Ashleigh are like the ugly sisters. They both need a can of dry shampoo and a hot bath.
God, I want to get behind Toya but she don't half go on. She really likes the sound of her own voice.
Helen: 'I find girls sly bitches.' I wonder why? God, what's she yapping about now? Toya: 'I can't save everybody.' Probably not even yourself from eviction this week.

Big Brother 13: Bailed out

Strangely, my household is now rooting for Chris to stay. He's so bad he's good; and I'd love to see him think that the public love his chubby little chops and then get a HUGE wake up call. I can't actually bring myself to vote for him though; that's a decision I could end up regretting.
Sometimes I wish Brian Belo was hosting instead. Maybe they could do a job swap just for one week. Not sure what Brian Belo does, though. But I'll always remember that moment he fell of a chair on Celeb Come Dine With Me because he was so appalled that someone said Dannii Minogue was attractive. Classic.
So I heard it was Scott's sister who died. He's either got a heart of stone, she'd had a very long illness and it was for the best, or they weren't close. I hope it's one of the latter. Either way, you think he'd want to go to the funeral? Give his mum a cuddle? Oh I don't know, family situations are weird. But that just feels inherently wrong.
Shopping list times! I'm not surprised to see that chalk in Lydia's hand. 'Did you say 500 bananas?' etc.
Arron to Chris: 'we shouldn't be up.' Democracy says otherwise. Keep Chris in just to annoy horsey cow. What's with all the dip dye hair? Has someone gone crazy with Harry's old food colouring?
I can't stand Lauren but I'm glad they've seen through Becky. Arron thinks he's funnier than Chris! Non. Chris is offering meat and banter. I'll give both a miss, thanks.
Arron's sister's looking a little orange. 'There's loads about Arron nobody knows.' I doubt it. He's got less depth than a shot of vodka. Chris's mum seems to be wearing a dead ostrich.
The public do NOT want to see showmances. Real relationships that build up over time; yes. Showmance; no. One of the best romances (apart from Helen and Paul) was Chantelle and Preston. Even though he was a douche and had a girlfriend, there was something genuinely touching about them falling for each other. It's sad to see what she's become, a mini-Jordan without the humour (I know, as is it could be possible). I miss her straggly blonde hair and day-glo lipstick.
Shopping list gate. They got a luxury budget and they're still not happy. They overspent by £147! LOL. Chris is pissed cos there's no crisps. You can't blame him.
I'm surprised Ashleigh is giving Luke the brush off as I personally think he's way out of her league (not that I believe in leagues, but you know, he appears to be half intelligent). She's a little idiot. I can't stand girls who are only interested in blokes who aren't interested in them and all of that gameplaying bullshit. Fuck that shit.
Caroline: 'she's got the best body in the world, but not better than yours.' Er...
Why is Luke shaving his bits in front of everyone? Groo.
Caroline: 'Ashleigh is overflowing with charisma.' You're overflowing with bullshit. This Ashleigh/ Lauren/ Caroline trilogy is like some boarding school nonsense. It's like Enid Blyton. What if Lauren does like Luke? Ashleigh's already cast him asunder. Why did Lauren tell Ashleigh that she put Luke up for nomination? How long before Luke finds out? I give it 20 minutes.
LOL Chris is from Luton. No wonder he's such a cunt. The only worse place to come from than that is Corby.
See Chris sit down when he got that cheer? Don't sit down too, soon, fatte. Look at him in his cardy. He's getting about 10 times more cheers than Aaron did when he won it. Mad world.
How did they hear about how many followers Aaron has got on Twitter? Was Scott checking that out as he grieved?
Chris's interview was alright. I think he did go a little too soon. But he was bugging. I wanted to use 'Chris pissed-off-urgh-gone' for my title but my boyfriend said it didn't make sense. Anyone? Anyone?
That little taster of live feed at the end is a tease. I miss the off-the-cuff moments. I'm looking forward to BBUSA and The Glass House and unbridled voyeurism. John De Mol knows how to make a reality show. And a quiz show. Ha, Emma Willis just called Chris 'bubbly'. Enough said.

Big Brother 13: The Sara smashing

Sorry I’m late, was doing some market research and they didn’t even have cans of coke or sandwiches, chocolate and crisps like they normally do. They just had water. WTF. This is the recession in action.

Morrissey once sang, ‘hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha’. Not so in the Big Brother house. Long faces all round.Benedict veiny leg cam – ew.

I was surprised to see Luke say he was interested in Ashleigh when his body language screams otherwise. When he said ‘watch this space’ and drummed his fingers that seemed like classic leakage. He’s always peering over her shoulder, too. I think it's just Big Brother brain™ (writing credit to the Irrepressible Dark Horse.)

I don't think Lauren is sexy at all. Adam: 'if it was just a smash.' about hypothetically shagging Sara: charmed, I'm sure. I hope we're not going to have 'hanging out the back of it' talk next, I haven't got the stomach for it.

Sara: 'I'm a Christian.' A Christian and a fucking Royalist; I don't know which is stupider. Benedict speaking the truth; that's another vote against him next week. Religion is a relationship you have with an imaginary being. It's a form of institutionalised insanity and shouldn't be humoured in the 21st century.

I love the fact they ended the task on Scott's mysterious 'loved one' dying so they couldn't even enjoy a good belly laugh. At least he won't be able to read the papers whilst he's out, because no papers write about BB anymore. It's good they didn't show him being told, like they did with Jade getting her death sentence in the Indian BB (tasteful). Chris is showing massive disrespect to a matter they know nothing about by simply stepping into the garden. In other cultures he'd be lynched for that, or at least have his TV taken away.

Scott was back quick. Who died, I want to know? 'A family thing'? WTF, I hate this, 'something big's happened but I'm not telling you what.' Piss off. It's Big Brother. I demand your life on a plate, that's what you signed up for.

I like Caroline's foxy cardigan even though she's probably made it out of fox fur that she's killed in a pack with Tarquin and Julian. Spiffing.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ashleigh and Luke fucked in there. Adam saying he'd have a wank to it! Dirty dog.

Can Chris even read? I don't know why he's looking happy about passing the task, he won't be around to eat that nosh. The slow-mo as Chris took off his shirt was brill. 

Does Adam straighten his hair? Men shouldn't be allowed to use straighteners. Caroline is so fucking rough. I just think she's a nasty person. I'd rather hang out with Chris and Arron than spend a second in her company.

This Chris/ Caroline thing is the very definition of MINT BANTER ie. tedious bullshit and it's going on for way too long. Chris wants to be a millionaire 'in bailiffing'. So he wants to steal a million pounds off other people? He's worse than the coughing Major. 

Big Brother's got the washing machine and the disco balls out! Whoop whoop. Paaaaaaaaarty. That's some groovy dancing going on there.

Scott is a completely unsympathetic character, even in grief. I just remembered, he came out in the house, didn't he? Wonder what his family said about that? They probably took him out of the house to give him a tell off and say they were cutting him out of the will.

Why is Caroline getting so much airtime tonight? I can't stand her! I can just picture her at 50 in the WI, sneering at her neighbours. She's the ghastly one. Having to hang out with the common people, are you? Get to fuck.

Uh oh, has Chris had a drink? He's having a go at Becky for EATING. For reals? You've got MOOBS. Lydia's giving the witches' pot a quick stir. Not enough of Lydia or Benedict in the edit tonight.

The Queen probably DOESN'T poo, because she's not human, she's reptilian. Actually, I'm no Chris Packham, but I think even reptiles poo. Do we have to constantly talk about The Queen? It's tragic.
Ashleigh reminds me of my little sort-of stepsister who's a proper skinny little Essex girl. She's kind of one-dimensional but happy in her own little bubble. Don't worry, Ashleigh, Luke doesn't like you. Is Conor wearing Terry Wagwan's toupee? What exactly does he bring to the house? He's just like a lump of wood. 

What is Ashleigh going on about?! Meltdown. Is it her time of the month (sexist)? I think it's just the house getting to her. This house will drag you down.

OMG just saw Rodrigo's alter-ego on BOTS. The legs! My boyfriend goes, 'isn't this just a cheap way of having the same guest on two nights in a row?' Fair point.

Right, I've got a date with the Land of Nod. Who shall we evict tomorrow? I can't decide. You decide!