Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You water know (yourself)

Other Jedward obscured by dry ice

Hiya! It better be Jedward going in. I wanna see Speidi and Jedward together. Who could out mindgame Spencer? John and Edward, that's who.
Oh, Emma's ruined her hair already. That didn't take long. You never see anyone in real life with slicked back hair, do you? Not unless it's slicked back with grease. Emma also has a work suit on. Why is she always wearing office wear? Does she secretly yearn for a job as a PA where she doesn't have to interview difficult Big Brother contestants like Marc O Neil?
OMG the way James Jordan speaks to people! He's so patronising! Gary Busey flashbacks. Stacy, please stop singing.
Coleen doesn't want to be told what vitamins and nutrients are in an apple. She'd rather just sit and bitch 24/7.
Ray J was conveniently off to get his shoes when Whitney died. He doesn't want to sell a story, he just wants to milk the story endlessly on CBB. Do you think it's in his contract that he has to discuss it? Stacy is probably in there just so he has to. Storylining!
Coleen blunders in assuming Whitney killed herself. Didn't she just pass out and drown cos she was high as fuck? Jamie: 'Typical loose woman.' Says the typical footballer.
Spencer's ju-jitsu is the lols.
God, Brandon Block needs a makeover. Can't someone run a comb through his hair? Him, perhaps?
Coleen is 51! I thought she was 60 odd. I guess being that miserable will do that to you.
Ray J is actressing and squeezing a tear out in the DR.Enough Whitney talk now. Let the woman rest in peace.
Angie is worried about the smokers in the house. Mind your own business. Coleen's back is WELL UP. Angie is stepping well over the line here. It's her life, let her smoke if she wants. Angie: 'All your family have died around you.' Bit much! Also, why sit in the smoking area? Passive smoking! Does Calum drink or smoke? Worry about your own spawn!
The housemates are roleplaying. Snooze. Hold on, Angie just molested Bianca. This am dram between the footballer, Jasmine and Calum is pure cringe.
Oh, they are editing out two more housemates. Yawn. Bianca is shy? She doesn't look it. Or Be-yonk-a as the Americans say.
Love James C namedropping Mel Gibson. Ooh, sausage rolls. Why is Spencer stealing a load of bottles of water? Is he a prepper?
Austin is in a 'really strange place right now.' On airtime patrol, by the looks of it. I think Spencer meant 'they could have picked a lot of other people than you' in a nice way, weirdly.
Bianca: 'No more H20.'
Austin went at Heidi very aggressively there. 'Security!' Austin has a really bad temper. Spencer: 'You want to go and see your boyfriend.' James J: 'He's not worth it, pal.' Lol.
Austin is ruining the magic of the DR. Are there no taps in the Big Brother house? We know there are from the Lee Ryan days. It's just fucking water. You're not in the desert. Calm down. It's like the kosher wine all over again. I've missed Austin's rants, though. But I'm a bit worried that he's a bit too easy to wind up for Spencer. Plus, isn't Austin worried about putting off his new boyfriend?! I guess he's probably seen it all already.
Spencer: 'I can't believe they let him stay.' Settle down, Spencer, he only shouted. If shouting was banned in the Big Brother house, there'd be no show. I like Bianca trying to calm down Austin.
Spencer calling: 'Bonka from the strip club the shadiest trick in the game.' Nice.
Austin: 'Can we be done saying they're alright people now.' Haha. Seems like everyone is team Austin, not team Speidi. Speidi will survive anyway. Speidi could survive the apocolypse.
So Jamie and Angie have been given 'great power'. They are so bland, it's impossible to say what they'll do with it. Might as well have given the power to the bottled water.
OK, we're back. I like Ray J sitting with a fag in his mouth, haha. Oh god, don't make them do speeches to save themselves.
Brandon pulling out the big guns with his speech; 'We're going to open a business together.' Strong!
Bianca actually seems like a nice person. Angie is so dumb, she tried to save Bianca as well. She obviously forgot Stacy's name as well.
Jamie saved Ray J. Good. Angie saved Brandon, which puts James GOT on the block. Aw. I think he would struggle in a vote to evict or a vote to save, to be honest, but I'd like him to stick around. Mind you, Jedward will probably drive him dollally.
Yay! 'I'm John, I'm Edward.' I'll never get tired of hearing those words. I still won't be able to tell them apart. Apparently one is more simple than the other. 'If someone eats your food, nominate. If someone looks at you funny, nominate.' Good strategy.
Did we miss one of Jedward falling over? That's a shame. You fell over!
Jedward: 'Can we hear the girls scream?' Aw, they're pretending they like girls.
They watched the opening night! Couldn't they put them in a hotel for two days? Does the budget not stretch to a twin room in the Travelodge?
Emma has no control over Jedward whatsoever. She's dreaming of that secretarial role again.
The housemates know it's Jedward already. Zero tension! I wanna see Jedward annoy the fuck out of James Jordan. Who will be their new Tara Reid? Hopefully Bianca and not Nicola.
Ray J hopes to see Jay Z. Instead he can barely see Jedward through all the dry ice. It's like Charlotte Crosby's win all over again.
I LOVE Speidi dancing to Jedward. Jedward are always falling over! They're like Lauren Harries on overtime. Good tune though, lol. Shame they can't sing. Their spaceman outfits look like the other housemates made them for a task.
I don't object to them performing their song in the garden. Beats Sheryl Crow.
OMG it just occured to me. What if Jedward TEAM UP with Speidi to create the ultimate housemate annoyer? Stronger than Bear! Time and space will implode. I want to see it!
Already they start flattering Spencer 'you don't age' - no, you don't age, Jedward. And more importantly, you do not get old. Go create TV magic!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All shook up

Hi! Have we got going yet? I haven't, but I'm still grateful for the lack of TOWIEs and Geordie Shores. If Calum Best and Coleen Nolan are the biggest duds, at least they're wallpaper and won't be pissing and shitting all over my favourite programme. At least, I hope not.
Ray J is being a 'sleeping on the couch' martyr. Prob doesn't want to share a bed with 'a gay boy.'
Angie pretending she's not a true gamer. Spencer knows!
Ray J has designs on being a diary room warrior. He can't share a bed because he's married. Especially not with Nicola McClean. Don't blame him.
Brandon Block looks like he's wearing comedy teeth and glasses. Angie thinks she's Queen Bee already. She knows she's untouchable with double the vote. She's a lot more interesting than Calum, though. Mind you, so's the back of a shampoo bottle.
Not sure about Bianca's S&M dinosaur look. On launch night, I can overlook it, but it's not daytime wear. Busting out the 'escape goat' as well. That shit is older than I am.
Coleen wants to be a house that gets along by quietly bitching about people behind their backs. 
Spencer is fingering Angie for her gameplanning. 'Calum was bred for this.' Hopefully he'll suffer the same fate as Paulie from BB18 who was also 'bred for this.' Heidi: 'It's good to get along with people.' Don't lie!
Calum: 'It's brilliant we're doing it together' to his mum. Is he trying to convince himself or her? He's had to recalibrate his gameplan from being fanny rat to gentleman.
I like Ray J's shredded white jacket. Has Nicola McClean had her mitts on it? He looks like the Michelin Man.
Ray J is spilling the boring beans about Kim Kardashian. You've never crossed paths with Kim since cos she probably has good security. Oh, hang on.
The all stars have to decide which of the new stars are least entertaining. Zzzzzz.
Calum's mean little side parting is driving me mad. It's like someone has Pritt-Sticked some coconut fur on an onion. Did he pay money for that hair? Robbed.
Brandon Block does not look impressed with Angie's Elvis kiss and tell. Nor does Ray J. Hold on, she didn't even kiss him! 'Do you even kiss, mate?' (Deepcut Big Brother Bile Spencer vs Toadfish reference there).
Angie: 'No one knows the real Spencer. You wouldn't know if you were having a sincere conversation with him.' Good point.
Bianca has just kissed Calum! I thought they'd gone out after Love Island back in the day.
James Jordan seems annoyed by Ray J being a bit sleepy. He's probably tired cos he had to sleep on the couch to avoid catching 'the gay'.
Ray J spent 30K on a birthday party for his dog. James Jordan is trying to needle him. Twat.
Heidi's hair is looking somewhat orange already. Get the girl a toner. Ha, Spencer wants to edit out Angie. Sweet. Calum refused to do it and chose Brandon! Fuck that. Brandon is annoyed about it; don't blame him! Where's the democracy?
Even thicko Calum has worked out he has the numbers over Speidi. But Spiedi will have the backing of the IGP (idiot general public).
Stacy was 'shook' when Ray J walked in. SHAKEN.
Spencer regaling Angie with tales of his popular social media: ie. showing her who's boss. Angie is unimpressed at Spencer's ability to eat 40 tacos. Apparently said video has only 2,000 views on youtube. I have blogs with higher numbers. Admittedly, only one a decade.
Nicola McClean playing the 'as a mother' card hard. Yawn. Go home if you can't hack it.
Stacy telling Coleen about the Whitney Houston files. I'm bored of this storyline already. Run Stacy a bath.
I'm team Jasmine all the way against the boot-faced Nicola. Boo hooing in the DR. Don't milk it.
Jamie is after Jasmine, but Spencer is standing in his way. Was it Jasmine or Casey who had 'taps on' time with Lee 'fanny rat' Ryan? I feel like it was Casey, but he fiddled with Jasmine in a UFO (fact check that).
Breast implant chat, classic bantz. Zzz.
Jasmine's 'type' isn't a 'newly divorced guy with three kids.' Me either.
I like Spencer's Coleen impression, ha. They are all scrambling because of him! They can't hack it.
I like Jasmine the best out of the girls so far, she wants to play Spencer at his own game, and if she beefs with Nicola, even better. If she does get off with the midget footballer, I will lose respect for her, though.
Jedward tomorrow? Come on, you know it makes sense, or whatever Lidl's catchprase is.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Pop art-ifice

Desp-air time

Oh hello again. I still can't speak! Luckily, I have fingers.
So someone started moaning at me for 'body shaming' on Twitter yesterday for my rather good 'anorexic Carla Connor' observation. Who am I shaming in that situation!? Carla Connor is hot. Anorexic Carla Connor (aka Jasmine) also looks good. Settle down!
I don't mind body shaming, but I prefer IQ shaming, which luckily, I get to do shitloads of watching Celebrity Big Brother. Let's begin!
RECAP time. All these recycled housemates makes me want to recycle some of my old blog/podcast titles.
Ooh what was that moment between Stacy and Ray J? What's their history? Ooh, apparently her fight with Whitney was over him. Interesting!
Nicola McClean bum licking Spencer by saying he was a great housemate, but NOT Heidi! Or that's the way they cut it. She could have been talking to them both. Don't trust the edit!
James J: 'Footballers have got good banter.' Football commentators even more so, just open up the 'sling one up the back of her' files. Footballers do NOT have good banter. See Ched Evans audio/visual work for details.
James Jordan well rail-roaded Stacey to be 'edited out.' I love Heidi trying to get Jamie put up. No such luck.
Stacey didn't stay on that chair in the garden for long, she was inside by the time the live feed was on.
Bianca trying to get the dirt on Ray J and Stacey: subtle. Ray J: 'It was a tragic thing.' Some of the others seem genuinely concerned.
I feel like Spencer was trying to be quite genuine when he comforted Stacy but she got mad straight away. Spencer's all like: 'We had it worse in the basement.You weren't there, man.' Heidi's frosty manner doesn't help.
I can see why Stacy is annoyed, it's a bit much with the Ray J thing (whatever that is) then getting edited out. This negative first impression of her is what the other housemates will zoom in on, though. And being a black woman? She's fucked.
But still, she's not so much edited out as an airtime hog. Spencer saying the others aren't allowed to talk to her! Mean. What does 'edited out' even mean? You don't get edited out. People can still talk to you. It should just be called being 'beige hoodied.'
I am so sad that Austin has split from his husband! Aw.  If Spencer and Heidi ever split, it's game over for love.
Stacy is crying in a chair and Spencer is just talking at her. OK, he is just trying to wind her up now.
I'm looking forward to Austin vs Spencer and Heidi, even though I like both sides. Austin, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows on your series! I remember you calling Janice Dickinson a cunt and yelling at everyone. It was brilliant.
Spencer: 'I retired that personality' about stirring shit up, haha. Stacy is playing right into Spencer's hands. She's making it too easy for him. 'Sitting in a chair' gate. Heidi and Stacy are both being annoying. Just stop talking if you can't agree.
Coleen bragging about her boring singing career/ dead relatives. No one cares. But if you do, watch C5 at 10pm for more wailing.
Jamie is talking about his ex wife known racist and cunt Danielle Lloyd. Danielle didn't want him to talk about her. We already know who you are, Danielle, don't worry. Nothing he could say could possibly make you look worse, considering you're most famous for causing an international race row. Nicola: 'Marriage is marriage.' Yes, and it's even better if your footballer scummy husband doesn't cheat. Easier to keep the marriage together then, right?
Now the other housemates have to edit out another person. Ooh, I like the pop art bedding/ cushions. They all decided to edit out James C of GOT fame. Spencer is right, James C is not making a good reality star. I wonder how much he got paid? I like the fact he's pretending to sleep so he doesn't have to speak to Stacy. Maybe he does know how to play the game after all!
Calum Best's ears are freaking me out. He looks like a gargoyle. I just think 'spud head' every time I see him. Can't believe he used to be hot 20 years ago.
James Jordan trying to one up Coleen, but she came second on her series. He came third, I think.
I love all the cushions and everything, it's so cute, it looks like my bedroom! The DR is amazing as well.
The fight for beds begin. Edited outs should have to sleep on the floor. In the garden. Like Busey on the Celebrity Scrapheap.
Angie: 'Spygles, Speegles' about Speidi. I love this. She's onto them! Angie's got a built in alliance with Calum, plus Spencer and Heidi are one housemate, so Angie has the advantage. It's a numbers game! Plus, she writes a mean letter from home. Actually, scratch that, she doesn't.
Austin's horror at the thought Bianca thinks Spencer is nice. Ha. She did seem shitfaced, though.
Calum's diary rooms make a good insomnia cure. He is going to stick around for WAY too long. Hope his mum beats him.
Was Coleen being a cunt there at the end? Probably. I can't work out if I'm enjoying it yet, possibly because my ears are ringing and I can't see straight. Give me a couple of days to work it out!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All star family (mis) fortunes

This should be peak CBB excitement for me, if I wasn't sick, therefore can't podcast, and have not seen another person for about a week. Putting all that aside, plus any other existential crap about 'is Big Brother past it's sell by date' 'why do I still watch?' 'Is that still on?' 'What about the live feed?' etc and just looking at tonight's show in a vacuum, it will no doubt still be a bunch of shit.
HOWEVER. The show must go on, and so must I, even if I'm a used up format, writing in a used-up format, about a show that's a used-up format. But I still have more historical Big Brother (UK and international) knowledge in my addled brain than I know what to do with. It's not useful, but I have it in there.
Normally at this point I'd have a large drink on the go. Instead, I have a sachet of Beechams. The glamour never starts. I have avoided MOST spoilers so far. So let's see who they've managed to line up and set free in the wilds of Borehamwood for the 32834784378 year in a row. 
I like the retro/ comic book theme, but I don't really like the eye that much. Oh well, who cares about the eye. Not I.
Emma looks great! I love her hair shorter. The darker colour is cool as well. Not sure about the panto jacket and work trousers, but we can't have it all. One thing is a start.
Woah, the house is very bright. It looks like a children's TV programme. I like the coloured loo roll. Diary room looks fucking cool, too. It's all very Nickelodeon.
First in is Speidi. Legends. You can't deny it. I like Spencer moaning about the vote against Rylan, ha. One percent in it. Spencer actually looks better than the last time I saw him, at least he's had a haircut. Still wearing the teacher fleeces in his VT, though. Spencer's illuminati leather jacket is going straight on the chic pile. Mentioning gameplans already: check. Not here to make friends: check. Looking for the booze immediately: check. Oh, I've missed them, the nutty pair.
James Jordan. Ick. Otherwise known as Gary Busey's chief bum-wiper. And if there's no Gary Busey in the house, then we have a problem. I could see him chumming up with Spencer. He's not a 'love to hate' housemate, he's just a 'I fucking hate his guts' housemate. Ugh, Speidi don't befriend the enemy.
Jasmine Waltz. Lee Ryan's female catnip. I enjoyed the love triangle. She looks like an anorexic Carla off Corrie. She looks like she's aged about 45 years since she was last on. Hope they bring the fanny rat back, too. Her boobs look stuck on. Jasmine knows what the illuminati is. Yes. I personally think this is a good start. Four cunts in straight away. Start as they mean to go on.
Ooh so they've put these four in a secret room to 'influence storylines': ahem. It's not like Big Brother to do that, is it (much). I like their office. 'Big Brother producers; - well, Ted's been editing shit out for years now.
Heidi's fake teeth look humungous, like Brandon Flowers levels of veneers there.
When they said 'Kim Kardashian' I thought Jonathan Cheban was going back in. No such luck, it's Ray J, someone who fucked KK on tape once. I like his union jack shirt. Well, not really. He seems like a total dick. Join the club, I guess.
Bianca Gascoigne is in next. She's more your TOWIE level of housemates. Her hair looks like the nylon hair your doll has when you are a kid. She 'inspires to be a mermaid'. Well we know her dad loves the drink. (Sorry)
Bianca is toadying to Ray J pretending she knows his music. What music?! The 'producers' are being nice about everyone. Er, that's not what we want when we interfere with the housemates.
I actually like the mixture of old and new housemates. It should always be this way. Cut out the deadwood (ie. Ex on the Beach chaff, please.) I like the line up so far. Some true gamers in the fold. No Gemma Collins, PLEASE.
Austin Armacost is next. I love Austin. OMG he's broken up with his husband! Aw, poor Austin. I know how you feel, mate! And I just finished your 2016 calendar. It's all gone wrong! OMG he hates Heidi and Spencer. Hahahaha. Brilliant. Austin is getting the wub wubs, which he richly deserves.I hope Austin doesn't blow the goodwill he built up last time. But if he does, it doesn't matter. He's still a great housemate. 'You're a CUNT!' etc. And lest we forget the mantub.
Haha Austin being all pleasant to Speidi after he just slagged them off.
Coleen Nolan. WHY. Why do we have to have a Loose Woman? WHY! It's bullshit. Fuck off. I hate her anyway. Hate, hate, hate her. It's the first bit of lazy casting. I expect the rest to be downhill from here. She's so annoying.
Why are they sending so many downstairs?! There's going to be no one left upstairs!
Next is James Cosmo, an actor from Game of Thrones. I have no clue who he is, and nor does my mum, who texted describing him as 'an old fart'. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic about liking Eminem. He's got first boot written all over him, like he's just ended up in the wrong place, like Evander or Ron Atkinson. Maybe he signed the wrong contract somewhere along the way. Good to have an old fogey in there, though, unless they're like Reg Holdsworth or Biggins.
God, there's a lot of alpha in that producers room.
Next is Stacy Francis, 'who you probably know from being a finalist on the X Factor USA'. I don't. Also drove Whitney Houston to her death, appaz. I thought it was going to be Tiffany from the sillhouette and I'm annoyed it wasn't. WHO IS SHE?
Brandon Block is next which makes me feel old as my serious ecstasy-taking days are twenty years ago now and we used to go see him and Judge Jules at Homeland and Passion and I still feel that age and I'm not, so it's depressing really. Thanks, Brandon. He's looking a bit Jim Royle. Jim Royle with a Dappy hat.
Spencer: 'He looks like he has more juice than the other elderly guy.' Haha.
Ugh, Nicola McClean is basically the female James Jordan. She talks just like Katie Price. And like her, she acts hard but she lets her husband fuck around on her. And didn't Farrah smack her one with a wine glass? Shred shred shred the bitch. I hate her. Awful person. Her and Coleen have got to go. And now she's slagging off Brian Dowling! Fuck you. Don't diss the two time winning alumni. Such disrespect! PS: Your dress doesn't fit.
Next housemate is Jamie O Hara, a footballer. Was previously married to Danielle Lloyd. Poor cunt. 'What could go wrong?' Just watch the tapes back of when your wife was in the house to find out. He looks like a little hobbit.
Calum Best is no all star. 'I'm a red blooded male.' Deffo gay. Doesn't he have history with Bianca Gascoigne? Oh he's not going to sit on the fence this time. Bullshit. He came third? How! Pointless third place, fencesitting, dead wood airtime deficit. Why waste my time! And he's wearing hotel wallpaper for a suit. Velveteen!
And they're also putting Calum Best's mum Angie in. WHY? Where's Jedward? This bitch couldn't even write him a letter from home, had to get Rudyard Kipling to do it. Who really cares how Calum Best gets on with his mum? They're obsessed with family connections on Big Brother, and they're rarely interesting.
Calum Best's reaction when she came in was hilarity though. His voice went really high. Poor sod. Haha. 'Oh my God, that's my mother!' James Jordan rubbed it in as well. Ha, they should have edited her out. Bet Calum wants to.
The other housemates are watching the 'producers' choose who to 'edit out'. It's supposed to be the 'least interesting person'. They're just choosing who they like the least. Heidi wanted to edit out the footballer! Good choice. They are choosing the black woman! Well, there's a surprise. These reality TV tropes write themselves. Racists. Poor Stacy had to go sit in the garden where it was cold (yeah it's England in January) in an unflattering hoodie. Welcome to every smoker in the UK's family Christmas.
So that was it. Oh the whole, I think the line up is good. I'm just relieved there's no Charlotte Crosby or her uninteresting, vulgar ilk. But really, what the people moaning on Twitter don't get, or even what my mum doesn't get, texting that they're 'all twats', is that it doesn't matter if you know the people, or hate the people. It only matters how they interact with each other. And that's what makes a good Big Brother series.
Anyway, all is not lost, as apparently Jedward are going in Friday! Bring on the trolley dash!
PS: I hope to do a podcast at some point if I get my voice back!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear-time (This aint what I came for)

As Bear came sliding down the banister...

Just watched the live feed cue cards/ fake sleep scandal and it really is shocking (if you haven't see it, they fake going to bed so Big Brother can film a fake schmaltzy goodnight, then they all get up again. If I'd been watching that on live feed I think I would have keeled over with shock. I actually believed the show was still real. I know, what a mug. I can be gullible, though. Earlier in the show they also made them all 'sit on a mark' while they did a voiceover. Frankie even said 'it's our last night at work.' AT WORK. I HATE hearing the Big Brother voice (ie. Ted) telling them to brush their teeth and get a good night's sleep. It is completely at odds with the concept of Big Brother. Hate, hate, hate.
I think Big Brother lost a lot of viewers today (two of my friends told me they were never watching again), and I don't think the inevitable Bear win is going to help matters.
My predictions of the order are Bear to win, Frankie, Ricky, Marnie, Renee, Aubrey (out first).
After looking hot the other night, Emma is looking rough again. Mismatched black top and navy trousers: no. Unflattering as fuck. Her lovely hair looks shit as well.
Frankie's doing some great journeying: 'Shine bright like a Frankie and when people throw shade, shine brighter.' I liked Bear's two fingers to BB.
Highlights package to the song 'This is what you came for' despite it being NOT what I came for, quite the opposite, actually. No final supper. No two by two evictions. Do we have to sit through six individual interviews? *pours more wine*
Bear would describe Big Brother in one word as 'fishtank'. It must be two words as I'm getting the red underline, but I'd OK it if I was sub-editing Bear's journey.
Aubrey and Marnie both look gorgeous. I like Aubrey's pastel hair.
OMG Frankie out sixth. I was surprised, but not as much as he was. I LOVED the way he came out of the house with a sprinkle of glitter. Fabulous. He was working it.
Frankie: 'I don't understand how the voting works.' Emma: 'People vote for who's the most popular.' LOL. I guess Ariana doesn't have as much clout as she hoped.
Frankie: 'My fan base is predominantly in America.' And your mind. I love Frankie talking strategy and BBUS! Next up, BB Allstars! Yes. I bet he'd just go back to being an uber cunt again, lol.
I thought Frankie was good in that interview. He's very professional. Bye, our Frank. Frankie asked about Bear in the interview AND Bear was mentioned in his best bits. Bear, bear, bear. What's the opposite of a subliminal message?
Is Aubrey getting booed?! Why! I'm embarrassed for my country. Aubrey mentioned Bear so Emma didn't have to. What is the crowd on? Aubrey was fine. Didn't Tiffany come out in a similar position?
Marnie out next! The Geordie wins are OVER. Yes. Although she's more entertaining than Ricky and nicer than Renee.
Lewis, stop doing loveheart hands. Not for adults. Marnie: 'Bear deserved to win, he's put on a good performance.' Enough said.
My internet has given up the ghost, just like my enthusiasm. This has been a struggle, emotionally, technology-wise, everything. It's all gone wrong.
Ugh, Big Brother is so fake ass. Talking of fake ass, here's Renee out next! The top American dog. Renee: 'My agent and my son are going to be so proud of me.' Priorities. Renee is annoyed she didn't have her Xanax. Yeah, they med you up on BBUS  On CBB they confiscate Lauren Harries sleeping tablets.
There's a lot of glitter on the evictees tonight. Even Emma has glittery eye shadow on.
Honestly, though, how did Fatboy make it to the final 2. He's done NOTHING. He wouldn't even eat that century egg. Trying to scrape together Fatboy's best bits will be like panning for gold in Antarctica.
No holding hands and shit for Bear and Ricky. They couldn't be further apart on the couches.
So Bear won! No shit. Bear should come out riding the zebra. Thought he wasn't even gonna hug Fatboy for a minute then. Say what you like about him - it was a fix, he was a cunt - it's true, but he still deserved it more than them. And he made me laugh. Also, the super obvious ending will hopefully make Endemol etc take a good hard look at themselves and sort out this car crash / joke of a season. Bear even told us to vote for him at the start! Take heed.
I loved Fatboy coming out and spraying aftershave on. It looked like Old Spice though. Task swerver! He could have won if he'd just eaten that century egg. Maybe.
I like the fact Bear had no eviction outfit, bragged about being in the house on his own and then went 'you should have put your money on me.'
I like the way Bear exited the house, cuddling the zebra, posing and then going down the banister. That was cool! Three good exits tonight, all from men!
I like Bear's 'Bear to win' sash also. 'Honestly, I feel great, I knew I was going to win it.' So cocky, lol. It would be great to have that much self confidence though. I admire it.
I love Bear giving Emma shit. I am annoyed with her being rude to him when he's won. Have some respect for your winner. You created that monster.
Emma can't handle him! Mentioning the window smashing but Bear deflecting. They could have ejected him if they were that bothered. The fact is, they want lowest common denominator housemates. The trouble will be trying to get people to sign up to future CBBs.
Bear: 'I'm a good diffuser of situations.' Emma: 'You're a professional wind up merchant.' True.
Emma: 'Couldn't you have broken up with your girlfriend?' Bear: 'Couldn't you have worn a red dress?' Good comeback.
Bear's best bits were too short! He had loads. Is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts to advertise Ex on the Beach on the sly? I'm surprised they didn't plug it in the ad breaks they're so shameless.
Emma put up a good fight with Bear but he won.
People on Twit moaning about Bear cheating on his girlfriend etc. Who gives a fuck? What is he, a woman? Did he entertain me? Yes. The end. Was a crap series and we got the winner we deserved.
And you know what the funniest part was? They didn't even show the goodnight section in the end. So you just blew the edifice of your show apart for NOTHING.
Now Big Brother needs to take a long hard look at itself and work out what to do next. I don't have to blog this shit, or pod this shit. Give us the show we deserve, or fuck off. I'm getting too old for this crap, really. I promote your show. Can you make it worthwhile?
PS: Thanks for reading and all the support. I appreciate it. Let me know what you thought of the final in the comments or on Twit. See you soon - one way or another!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear, stop being a moron

Following maskgate and Bear vs Audrey it will probably be a quiet show today. I liked that argument yesterday! It seemed genuinely vitriolic AND they actually showed some of it on the live feed. Who knew?
Renee's back on the Bear hate train. I don't see why she ever came off it. Frankie is the 'UN'. The united colours of Frankie-ton. Marnie has done NOTHING since Lewis went. Airtime deficit.
Bear is rehashing Aubrey saying that CBB is going to be his biggest ever achievement. Him: 'It is!' Haha. I like the Madison Square Gardens/ double platinum scoffing. Know your limits! It's true though, why is Aubrey there if she's so rich and famous?
Would you trust Bear to make you beans on toast? I like his little cut out lovehearts. I would so forgive him and I don't even eat beans on toast. Renee is not impressed. She is a serious grudge holder. I can hold a grudge for about two hours, tops.
Oh Fatboy is in the UN with Frankie. Multi-cultural. UK arm in arm with USA. Marnie is gaming in the diary room about her mum. 'She'd be so proooooooud of me!' Yes your shitting during sex story really touched her.
Renee: 'I hope that someone teaches Bear a good lesson. Like the kind of people I know.' DEATH THREAT. POW POW POW. Remember when you got thrown out for that shit? It seems antiquated now. Big Brother doesn't get that we LIKE IT when they enforce the rules, and especially FAIRLY. It's like with parents and kids, we need boundaries, or we run amok (like Bear)
Please stop singing, housemates. Aubrey is 'showing off her talent' to take down Bear. Shame her talent is caterwauling.
Frankie wants everyone to be nice. Good luck with that. Renee won't give Bear any food. It's not Renee's food, is it? Bear wants a jam sandwich. Do you want spit with that?
The 'at home with the housemates task' looks funny. The name could be catchier though. I liked Frankie basically doing eek or chic and calling Renee an oompa loompa. Bear's style gets 10/10. Bear: 'Yes, I'm trendy!' Them on Frankie's hosting: 'He does it for a living.' No, he lives off his sister.
Renee comparing Bear to cancer. A low blow. Fatboy's hosting is crap.
I love the fact Marnie didn't even recognise Lewis's voice. How romantic. Is this the new letters from home? Frankie on James's call: 'He's adorbs.' Saira on the phone! 'Bear, stop being a moron.' Wellll.
Bear has got either ADHD or actressing-itis.
Why has Renee got that huge Maggie Thatcher handbag in the house? I don't recall ever seeing a handbag in the BB house before, ever. Why is she ruining the last couple of days? Renee calling everyone phony. Relax. You're nearly free. Do you think Renee is gonna have Bear bumped off after the show? I hope so. Otherwise, she looks like a mega pussy.
Renee's neck vein popping out as she compares Bear to chewing gum and cancer. Calm down, dear. She needs her meds. Aubrey was actually being a decent friend to her, there, and then led her into the garden like her carer.
Award ceremony! Just give it all to Bear. Marnie is having to choose most deserving winner. It's Frankie! He's crying! LOL. Frankie has cooked and cleaned. Who cares?! That's not entertaining.
I liked Bear stealing Frankie's 'most entertaining' sash, cos Bear is more entertaining.
Bear and Renee making up for airtime at the end. I wish I cared, but that storyline is more worn out than Jason and Charlie's nomance.
So who do you want to win? I believe Bear deserves it the most, as he's carried the series, but I won't vote for him on the grounds of the Ex on the Beach/ MTV murkiness. I would like Frankie to win as I have money on him. Other than that, I couldn't care less. Don't vote. Don't give them money, it only encourages them.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Page three hurl

Hair apparent

You may notice I haven't blogged for a couple of days cos I'm so fed up with CBB. The Christmas task was a new low, literally anti-entertainment. I have friends (the few who are left who still watch) saying, fuck this shit. It's embarrassing. I don't know how they can justify putting such substandard material out.
Katie 'wow' Weasel really put on a show last night, didn't she? What a mental case, having a go at Frankie for doing the exact same thing she did (nominating her/him!) And then going 'GIMME THE MONEY!' What a psycho. You don't get the money if you walk, bitch.
OMG Emma's hair looks damn good tonight. I'm serious! Not sure about the liquorice allsorts dress, though. I also like Bear's slicked back hair. I love the fact he always looks different. It's called being entertaining.
Frankie n Katie: 'You have to be made of sterner stuff to play Big Brother.' Yes, it's Big Brother, not Big Baby.
Truth hiders! Not as good as trouble risers. Frankie: 'Katie's scrambling.' Frankie's subject changing when Katie walked in the room there was masterful! What a true gamer. Hats off to that, I've not seen such seamless subject changing since me and my friend Lee used to gossip in the kitchen when we worked for Samaritans.
I want to go to Bear's beach club. 'We had to fire the penguins, give them their P45.' He does make me laugh, he's especially good in the diary room.
Frankie for Big Brother Norway! Yes. Aubrey thinks Katie and Sam will go tonight! I pray she's right.
Is Bear's beach club a task or just one of Bear's projects? Bear actually looks quite... smart.
Sex questions! Bear has jerked off in the shower: what would Alex Sibley say? Marnie has pooed on someone in bed. Why am I not surprised? Geordie Shore is obsessed with scat. Fatboy is 'not a gentleman in the bedroom'. My, my! Finally I'm interested in him! I knew he had to have SOMETHING going for him.
Does Frankie have any t-shirts without a hashtag on? Sam's rap and Aubrey's caterwauling. Christ.
Bear's striptease was fun. Frankie enjoyed it!
EVERYONE got booed except Marnie. WHY! Sam looked shocked when she got booed! Ha.
OMG it's Katie and Sam evicted in the two by two. That was the right result! Yes! They look quite co-ordinated in their black and white. Bear is being ungracious as usual. Did Sam say she didn't want to hold hands with Katie? Mean.
Emma: 'Is it nice to come out together?' No it isn't. I don't actually think they should ever do two by two evictions. I think people deserve their own eviction and to get their own eviction song. Remember when that was a thing and it mattered? I know, I'm old school.
Emma calling Katie out for being a hypocrite over the Frankie nom thing.
Sam looks sooooo peeved. I love it. OMG she's talking about being abused by Bear and being nearly blinded by him. Emma's like: 'moving on.'
Sam is so aggrandising, trying to blame the edit etc. She is mega passive aggressive. 'You never showed him trying to blind me!' This is getting a bit awkward. It's not Emma's fault what they show and don't show.
Emma is actually handling this quite well for once. Sam's body language is atrocious. She's being proper snitty. Sam is blaming the edit left right and centre! 'You probably didn't show it' again. How does she know?! Why so bolshy?! Relax. She's right though, I'm sure they would never have shown Bear trying to blind her, haha. Medic!
Katie saying 'Marnie' to win just cos she heard the cheers. Desperate. I would have liked to have known why she fell out with Ricky!
Interesting at the end when Bear was upset that Sam took his mask (I assume it was his swingers mask that he wears with his feather boa). I like watching the others faces when Bear kicks off.
Anyway, it was the right result tonight. Bear will win 100% but if you're so inclined, please chuck a vote on Frankie as I will win £130 if he wins!
By the way, if you're missing the sound of my voice (understandable) check out the latest episode of Sistah Speak, which they kindly asked me to guest on. We talk CBB and BB18. It was a lot of fun, although there is a conversation regarding hair removal that I thought was off the record! Haha. Listen here!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Squad (own) goals

This has been the cheapest season on CBB ever for me as I haven't spent a penny voting, because I hate everyone. So I've saved about £3.50. There's your bright side. Well, mine.
I like Emma's top and hair but not the work trousers. I like the fact Bear has different hair every single day. Today he's bleach blonde. He will 100% win. The game is over already. Don't think his ex going in yesterday was a coincidence. He is promoting a programme where exes turn up unexpectedly. It doesn't take Inspector Winston or DI Dan to do that maths. It's product placement taken to the nth degree. Who's the real doughnut? Us, of course.
It's cruel to put people's dogs in the house. James: 'I prefer dogs to humans.'I prefer anything to humans. Llamas, unicorns, it's all happening under the banner of animal cruelty.
Daisy May (James's dog) is all about the airtime. Cute, though! Nice to see him with his dog. Good to have a pet with a double barrelled name, too. Classy.
Lewis taking phone calls in what looks like Michelle Bass's old bedsit is good practice for when he works in a call centre, right? (Too easy).
Frankie got a message from his sister Ariana saying he's 'fan favourite.' What? Britain's favourite player! Who knew? He's going to get a shock when he comes out to a shrug a bit like Bear gave his boot-faced old girlfriend yesterday during the 'am I being funny mummy' task.
It's good to know the nation is embarrassing itself in front of a pop princess, though. What must she think of us? (Mind you, what do we think of her, hating America and having Frankie as a brother?) Just kidding, I like Frankie now. In comparison to these other people, anyway.
How come everyone gets nice things except Bear (oh, so he wins cos of the sympathy vote, got you). Lewis going on about 'the one'. Shut up. Another failed shopping task. They just lob the shopping across the garden anyway. I feel like we've not really seen the housemates starving this year, unfortunately.
Renee's letter: don't care. Bear sulking: don't care. Lewis giving Katie a pep talk: don't care.
Sam going on about her fans again. 'I gave Page 3 girls a voice.' What voice was that? That little box where it tells you what their hobbies are? 'Sam, 50, loves wine and bragging.'
Not sure about giving blowjobs getting rid of your double chin, I suppose shoving a dick in your mouth is less calories than an ice cream (although there's some calories in spunk, right?) Why is Renee always going on about blowjobs? Aubrey has been 'slowing down' giving blowjobs to her gross boyfriend. Renee: 'Put that shit on the counter for a daily chore.' On the counter? WTF? If blowjobs were on my chore list, they'd deffo beat washing up and hoovering. I'd tick blowjobs off first.
Do the housemates know it's a double eviction? It's better when they don't.
Katie is annoyed that Lewis said she just follows others around. Well, she does. She's bugging the crap out of me, actually.
Don't feel THAT sorry for Bear having a one man pity party. 'I'm the only genuine person here.'
Sam doing her coming out story on eviction night. Frankie trying to one up with his coming out story (including his famous sister).
Lewis is giving Katie more BS: 'I don't want to see you as some second place schmuck.' Lewis: 'Look in this mirror and say 'I like myself.' Calling people 'princess' again. Stop that.
I like Bear's pink heart on the side of his head (chic!) Lewis getting some boos, yesss. Aubrey is in some naughty nurse gear. There's a lot of pale pink going on.  Bear's on the zebra again. I was told on Twitter I'm not allowed to find Bear entertaining tonight. How can you decide what OTHER people find entertaining? I actually don't find ANY of them entertaining, but Bear more entertaining in comparison to everyone else, who aren't entertaining me whatsoever.
SAFE from eviction is FATBOY. Nar! I thought it would be Bear. Katie must be fuming after she turned on Fatboy in the week. Who would vote to save Fatboy? He's pointless! Ooh, Emma told them it's a double eviction.
I wonder if they're going out hand in hand? Hope so! Lewis getting boos. Ha.
Bear is actressing big time! He's not sitting on his mark on the couch! Off he goes on his zebra again.
Lewis is out! YESSSSS! And JAMES! OMG. Double trouble. Wish it had been Sam but pleased to see Lewis go. And before James as well, ha. Did James diffuse some of Lewis's boos? That's the trouble with the two by two. You don't get the true boo picture.
The double interview, worse than the double exit. Thank god we don't have to watch the PDAs anymore. I'm glad Marnie outlasted Lewis.
Lewis: 'I quit TV because I was coming across as a bit of a douche.' Um. You can file that under 'This week's CBB in a nutshell.'
Lewis on Marnie: 'I feel like I've done six months with her.' Sounds like a prison sentence.
Lewis wants a woman like his mum: creepy! He's obsessed with his mummy. I hope I never see him again; not even on the front of the magazine (deal).
James thinks Bear can be an 'amazing asset to this country' writing and directing. OK then.
James is off back to Mrs W and Daisy May. Sounds like a good sitcom. James thought BB was going to be 'easy money'. Why is Emma digging him out about chucking coffee over Bear? Who gives a fuck. Don't apologise, James.
Joint best bits. Squad goals!
An hour and a half show and my blog is short as fuck. This show is dead. When does it end? I'm ready to go back to sleep for the winter.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Sam Foxxed

GinaMarie is looking well

Heavy D wakes up for his last morning with a squawk. Bear's hair is getting stupider by the day. Lewis is in the David Gest suite to cool down (hope it's had a wipe down). Marnie is telling off Bear as she might not to get to spend 'a last night with him.' Boo woo.
Frankie is becoming a bit of a DR warrior, which suits me. 'The root of all evil is Bear.' Weeeeelll. Yeah, he is.
Lewis on Marnie: 'Has she got the hump with me?' I hope Frankie takes that as a phrase back to America.
I like seeing them drink tea out of glasses. We used to drink tea out of pint glasses when I was younger. That was a lot of tea, and a lot of card games played to decide who should make the tea.
Lewis on Bear: 'He's got zero readies.' At least he's got a personality and doesn't just deal in inspirational quotes and cliches.
Bear KNOWS he's gonna win this!
Ha, Heavy D starting on Katie. Funny. She is offensively inoffensive. Heavy D: 'You're playing the sympathy card.' For what, having a hooker granny?
Heavy D: 'Why are you even here?' Katie: 'Cos I was paid too, more than you.' That's a low blow.
Heavy: 'You're an X Factor reject, love.' Bear laughing into his shirt, haha. Heavy: 'I'm current!' You think Fatboy would stick up for his fellow fencesitter.
Don't bring being a woman into it, Katie. Desperate. You were the one telling him to fuck off. OMG at 'My grandma is more famous than you.' What a great comeback! He was trying to go there, so she just took it there. Nice one. She is now officially more interesting than Fatboy.
Katie is now going the full nine yards with the grandma story. Great journeying! True gamer. OMG you watched porn with your gran in it! My eyes.
Katie swearing while going 'you can't speak to women that way.' You can't have it both ways, Katie, stop. You can stand up for yourself, clearly, don't bring your vag into it.
Fatboy needs to one up Katie with his sex web cam dope smoking tales now. Still not as good strategy as a porno grandma, though, so he can't win.
Renee telling Fatboy he needs to 'be a man' ie. be violent. Shut up, Renee. Nothing wrong with being mild mannered (in general, just makes for a boring housemate).
Feels like they're showing more of a variety of people tonight. Bear is right though, lot of people slipping through the net in there. FLOATERS.
Ugh Lewis being pleased Heavy D went and he was safe. Gross.
Face to face noms time! Bring it. It's kind of sad we don't get to hear the reasons they would nominate Bear for each week, isn't it? It does force them to put Lewis up each time, though, so oh well.
Aubrey nommed James and Lewis. James nommed Lewis (for being a threat) and Marnie (for being a threat).
Sam nommed James for saying 'she looked very old' and Lewis. Katie nommed James and Ricky. WHAT! Ricky over Lewis and Marnie?! WTF. WHAT HAPPENED. What did I miss!?
Renee nommed James and Ricky!The fencesitting is failing!
Ricky nominated James and Lewis. (No one ever nominates Frankie, ha)
Bear nommed Sam for bringing NOTHINK. He's right. I hate Sam, she's so sour. And Fatboy! Yes. On point!
Marnie nommed James and Frankie (what!!) Frankie nommed James and Lewis (as he detests violence).
Ooh Lewis nommed Sam and Aubrey! Interesting. Hope Sam goes. Is she off her face?
James, Lewis, Ricky and Sam on the block with Bear. Ricky could go. Sam is a sore loser! So you're on the block, deal with it. Entitled cow.
Will be funny if Sam and Fatboy go, as they're so righteous.
Sam is confident she's a good person and has a fanbase. GOOD PERSON. Self proclaimed feminist icon, unless she looks down on you for getting YOUR boobs out because you're not her.
Lewis in the DR wearing a pinstripe suit for no reason: 'You cannot judge a man in times of comfort and convenience.' Say what? Save it for the the magazine deal. 'Like sand in a man or woman's hand.' I proper laughed. What an absolute bellend. He is an almighty douchelord. Like, I don't even believe he's real. That's not a person.
I liked Aubrey calling Bear 'Beaver.' Good one! Why IS Renee not up! Boo.
The Americans in the DR. Frankie: 'Team America.' Haha. Renee wants to keep it interesting by keeping Bear in. Make your mind up! Frankie not so sure.
What is Bear counting? That's what got Da'vonne in trouble in BBUS last year. Bit of a weak ending. It did feel a BIT more balanced tonight, though. Too little, too late?

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Boom-in-laterz

Boomtown Twats

Who would vote to save any of these cunts? No, really? I'm saving at least £3.50 this series of CBB as I despise everyone. Most unrootable cast ever. At least McGiff's season had Abz and the swan apple for a bit of light relief. Someone's been let loose with the crazy colours hairspray! Wooo! Rebels.
Lewis now changing his tune and telling Bear he's on his side. Make your mind up! You were pissing and moaning about him yesterday. Bear is right, there is a reason they put Lewis up. He's an arse.
Lewis giving Marnie a motivational speech about 'targets' and then saying, 'you're lovely and so am I.' Then going on about the media. Blah! Transparent. Even Marnie, who is half cretin, must see through this shit.
I hate Sam Fox now, by the way. Saw her on live feed being a sanctimonious cow, and also using two face wipes simultaneously to take her make up off (wasteful). She thinks she's king of the world in that house, and I'm fed up with her 'family friendly' slutshaming. Wasn't there a countdown to you being able to get your boobs out when you were 16? Fuck off, hypocrite.
Ha, Aubrey forgot Fatboy was even a man in the house. Aubrey: 'There's something wrong with Heavy D more than his personality.' I agree. His looks, his dress sense, his use of the English language.
I like Heavy D not knowing Aubrey's name after all this time. I kind of like his bleached eyebrows, too. I'm calling chic!
Frankie's impressions in the diary room are fair to middling. Mind you, I can't talk.
Why is Lewis always talking in management speak? He's like a mini David Brent. He looked disgusted at the thought of being in Geordie Shore, like TOWIE is Downton Abbey or something. 'I don't want to be on TV.' Aubrey: 'Why are you here then?' 'So I can buy my mum a house, that's why, princess.' Patronising cunt. I'd knock his teeth out for that shit. I'm glad Aubrey was quizzing him. She sees right through his BS.
Renee to Marnie: 'Don't give up your day job.' Good advice.
Haha, Aubrey telling Marnie that Lewis had a girlfriend already. LOL. She's on form tonight.
Marnie confronting him then Heavy D taking the piss, haha. I like Bear laughing at it. No loyalty! Lewis: 'I'm a 26 year old man.' At what age do you stop saying your age in arguments? I think about 13?
Lewis being an aggressive prick as usual. Notice when Lewis and Heavy D square up to each other, Big Brother says NOTHING. Only when Lewis 'dashes bare water' (t.m. Aisylene) in Heavy D's face do they say anything.
Lewis: 'I stood my ground in front of my girlfriend.' 26? He comes across like he's 12. He's a total numpty. What a total gimp.
Bear appreciates a fellow trouble riser in Heavy D more than his 'friend' Lewis. I'm like that, if someone makes me laugh, I don't give a fuck who's side they're on. They made me laugh, they win.
Lewis getting a warning for saying 'you're a big fat pussy, son.' Ha. Oh and messing with the fixtures and fittings. This Big Brother isn't that stern. A formal and final warning. But we can't kick you out yet, because you're up for eviction.
Ha, Bear is getting cheers, LOL! WTF Lewis is getting cheers! Why! Hold on, Renee is getting cheers!? Everyone is getting cheered, and everyone is an arsehole. Go figure.
I like Bear riding the zebra agog when Heavy D went. ROOTHLESS! I liked him running up the stairs to say goodbye, too.
Heavy D's underpants attire is quite good. Emma giving him a strong tell off. Come on, he's pretty harmless. Relax, Emma.
Heavy D: 'These people are coasting and trying to get an easy paycheck. I'm making them earn their money.' Totally agree!
Heavy D was trying to ride the middle. I liked him calling himself a 'loveable rogue' and saying 'there's a bit of Heavy D in everyone.' Blergh!
At least Heavy D can go squawk in the morning in peace now.
When they advertise Ex on the Beach in between Big Brother, it does make you think they're lining up a Bear win, doesn't it? But is Bear a good advert for that show? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Cos we don't watch that shit. And soon: maybe not this shit either.
Just kidding, we'll always watch it. Ha!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Gameplan first, money second

Jam doughnuts

School task! It's just an opportunity to put Bear in a dunce hat, isn't it? Will he wear it better than Dappy? 'What you gonna tell your daughter?' etc. I bet Bear doesn't have any A levels like Dappy.  Or was it just GCSEs? I forget.
Fatboy has been perfectly cast as head boy, cos he's already like the school monitor/ swot. Aubrey is HBIC: head bitch in charge. Or head bimbo in charge if you're sexist (which I'm not).
I can imagine this is JUST what Bear was like at school. A fucking nightmare. He's ruining the task, ha. Why put in a task which encourages bullying/ behaving like brats. Well, I know why, but. Don't be surprised when it all kicks off!
Sam Fox used to charge 10p for kisses. Prostitute! Was selling her body from a young age (I'm just kidding, for those with a sensitive disposition).
What has Bear got against coffee?! He's a chronic coffee spiller. I fucking hate coffee, so I don't care. He should destroy someone's cigarettes, then we'll really see how much self-restraint people have. Fatboy is LOVING being in charge.
Bear has less respect for tasks than Gemma Collins. I still hate the GC more, though. I'm still surprised no one has strangled him yet.
I like Bear mis-remembering the rules in the DR (sorry, headmaster's office). How do you handle him?! I have no idea. Big Brother clearly doesn't, either.
Lewis would 'fight a shark' for Marnie. Can we book the aquarium now, cos I'm sure we'd shift some tickets, it'd be a bigger seller than his TOWIE boxing match mess (I only even know about that cos someone sent me the clip). He's an 'adrenaline junkie' or a coke head, as Bear would call it.
James is apologising to Aubrey for nominating her. Who cares? 'Mrs W' as he calls his wife, sounds like something out of a sitcom. She probably doesn't even exist.
Life drawing class! How long before Bear assaults one of the models? I actually quite like his art. Not so much is petty intimidation tactics, though. I was on board with him a couple of days ago, he's grinding my gears a bit today. 
Fatboy said Bear has been using his 'third eye'. Excuse me?
I like the little school hall set up they've got going on. I love them trying to to make Heavy D say boom by playing songs with that word in. Great idea! Did you see Lewis's dancing, by the way? He looked like an estate agent 'throwing shapes' at the Christmas party. And Frankie Grande enjoying himself in the mirror? God, why did I bet money on him to win?
The yearbook bit was a bit cringe. Katie most likely to make people laugh? Have I missed something? Most likely to shout at people in an American accent then run off for a cry, more like.
Lewis: 'I would never do a spin off show.' What else have you got going on?! You're no Josie and John James, are you? You don't even have any decks. 'Love first, money second.' Why is he saying this shit? It's like when John James got so annoyed about magazine deals and then did one. Lewis is FAKE ASS. At least Bear is as advertised; a ginormous prick. Lewis is a cunt in prick's clothing.
Renee's romantic tales of dating a gangster. Should Lewis and Marnie marry after 18 days? Only if their agent tells them to. It's not even Big Brother brain. At least that's a real condition. They've just got famewhore-itis.
Lewis showing off his elephant cock and balls. His balls are marginally more attractive than his dancing.
Bear is destroying the year book 'because he wants to.' He's also talking like a baby. Fatboy is FUMING. Katie: 'Bear is writing his opinions in jam.' Probably one of the best lines of the series. Second time this series jam has had a starring role in a storyline. Jam is BIGGER player in the house than Katie. Jam is an airtime whore.
Lewis and Marnie pretending they care about the jam/yearbook in the diary room. They don't give a fuck, they've got their eye on the endgame! Lewis: 'He's not my best friend in the house, Marnie is.' Grow up. I've never seen a scrotum journeying before. Yet here it is, right before my very eyes.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Coco pops a cap in your ass

CBB is like the worst sort of Groundhog Day at the moment. So chronically boring, no matter how much sex or arguing happens.
I liked Bear waking up and saying 'Has anyone seen Chloe?' Bear and Heavy D make a noise like me in the morning. It's fun to squawk in the morning.
I am amused by how much the others are annoyed by Bear. But that is my only source of amusement in the entire show so it's a bit hollow.
Bear doing the shopping list. Ordering fags and fake tan. I like Renee not rising to Bear's bait of ordering seven manicure kits and condoms. Oh, hold on, she went in the bedroom and went nuts, haha.
The sanctimonious crew are going to stop Bear eating food. How?! Good luck with that. I'm amazed no one has punched him yet. They have pretty good self restraint.
Heavy D is calling Renee out for not washing up, ha. He's brave! Heavy D has ALWAYS got a slice of toast in his hand. Katie looks traumatised by the washing up row. Some people just grew up in in soft environments and can't handle shouting. Bear is stirring it up, too. Renee has a real sense of humour failure. Heavy D: 'If it's not true, why are you so touchy?' to Renee. Lol. She's crazy. 'I am somebody's mother!' So what? Then BB told Bear off for goading Renee, but Heavy D started it!
Bear is so camp at times, especially when dressed as a pirate. Bear is not responsible for Renee being unhinged. That's on her. She's NUTS.
Renee is after an Oscar here, trying to get Bear kicked out, while giving veiled threats. Should have kept Chloe in to occupy Bear. You took away his toy!
Heavy D: 'It's like a dictatorship, like 1950s Cuba.' I'm liking Heavy D sticking up for himself AND knowing what a dictatorship is.
Aubrey is so up Renee's arse, it's tragic. Minion! Renee trying to make friends with Bear; I can't work out if it's real or not. 'I've been mean!' You have been mean. But Bear's not the one crying about it.
Renee: 'My bad behaviour has gone to bed with me here.' Then straight after they make up, Big Brother plays the nominations. They are exacerbating the situation!
Ooh, they're showing noms on the screen! Bring it! I love Bear's excitement at the arguments that will follow.
Frankie nommed Lewis for being Bear's bitch and Marnie for being Lewis's bitch. Fair comment. Frankie: 'I'm cute in the diary room.' Er. I'm never going to win my bet on him, am I?
Sam nommed Heavy D for eating too much and 'telling lies'. What lies? And Lewis for being friends with Bear. I like Bear rubbing salt in the wound, as if it were needed!
Lewis put up Renee and Bear (aka Colin). Aubrey put up Heavy D for being 'emotionally unstable' and Lewis for being 'amazing.' Eh?
Heavy D nominated Renee for being 'sly, devious, controlling and two faced' and for 'not doing any washing up' and 'barking orders.' I love it! 'This house is not the Mafia.' Good point. He also nommed Katie for being pointless. Good choice if a bit of a waste.
Marnie nommed Heavy D for saying 'you can't fall in love in two weeks' and James for having a brain.
James nominated Aubrey for 'telling him how to conduct himself.' In what way!? And Heavy D for eating too much. I love Bear winding Aubrey up about James! Haha. James was giggling, ha.
Renee nommed Heavy D for being 'weak and disloyal' and Lewis for making everyone 'feel some type of way' (like a loony cunt, in her case).
Katie nominated Heavy D for 'making her cry more than twice' and James for being a threat. Fatboy nommed Lewis for the usual reason and Heavy D for squawking in the morning! WTF.
Bear nommed Renee and Ricky in an amusing fashion in the DR. Fayboy is SO under the radar.
Ooh, Bear, Heavy D, Lewis and Renee are up. Hope Renee goes. Or Lewis.
Aubrey is being a twat to James, he's allowed to nominate her if he wants. She's being a div. 'You're fake!' No, you're misunderstanding the rules of the game. You've obviously been bugging the crap out of him.
Bear is pouring cooking oil around the garden. Fatboy's response: 'It is what it is.' TV GOLD, not. The Heavy D spilt cereal everywhere. Why don't the others just relax a bit? They're coming off like uptight freaks. Coco pops! I hope they don't replace the food, though. Food waste is bad.
Heavy D's tell off was amazing. 'I did it cos Bear did it!' Grow up. 'If you can't interact nicely with your other housemates take yourself off to the bedroom.' I loved Big Brother telling them to basically go tidy their room, ha. That Big Brother did not sound scary, though, he sounded like a work experience kid. They need someone with a bit more gravitas for that.
Katie W finally did something for her best bits; shouted at someone to clean up. I was getting flashbacks to my mum there.
Aubrey still butt hurt about James in the DR. Get over it. I don't think he has a problem with women. You obviously just get on his nerves and I can't really blame him.
God; what an unholy mess. And I don't just mean the Coco Pops on the kitchen floor. Is this series over yet?

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear Joke(r)s

From desp-bear to where?

OK, just putting it out there, Bear is my favourite person in that house. Even though he's a toerag, I've seen a loyal side to him, and a funny side to him, which is more than I've seen from most of these people. He entertains me, which is more than I can say for ALL these other people. Yes, he's a complete twat. At this point, I don't really care.
Squeaky bum time. Whatever that means. Apparently it's to do with sport (gross). Yuck. God, I hate Lewis. He has none of the charm or panache of Bear. Yeah, I said it.
The task involves all housemates holding up bags of money 'but the real task is...' only one has to do it for the allotted money of time. Ricky and Sam bet that Lewis could pass the task. What's the opposite of TV gold? Ha, Lewis fucked it up. What a tool. Oh what, he still won? Boo.
Lewis has got a strong case of Big Brother Brain/ magazine deal-itis. Wasn't he saying he wasn't bothered the other day?
I LOVE Chloe making Bear up as the Joker! I love Renee being worried about it, haha. 'That means we're in trouble.' She's right though, Bear will be there at the end, as he should be, as he's been the whole show.
Marnie is trying to push the old 'good people/ bad people' strategy that only BAD PEOPLE ever say. It's like Lewis saying he's 'a good man.' You're not. It's like someone going 'I'm mad, me.' You're NOT. The maddest people don't KNOW THEY'RE MAD.
Renee giving Fatboy a pep talk about their common nemesis. It's not 'war paint', it's just a laugh, Renee. Who WOULD be their nemesis if Bear went? Cos you know they'll need a new one.
Ah, the wheel spinning/ Chloe leaving again. I didn't notice Emma's teleprompter of the floor before. She's like Courtney Love.
Big Brother is making me sick the way they keep pushing Marnie and Lewis! They must know the viewers despise them. Fuck off!
I wanted Bear to do a Jackson-style wail there. No such luck. Bear: 'It's cos she's knocking about with me, isn't it?' Well done, Poirot. Heavy D: 'Every argument, she's been the centre of it.' Not really!
Frankie: 'I didn't like Chloe as much as you' to Marnie. Turncoat!
Bear sees it, too. Frankie IS two-faced (so is Bear tonight, with the face paint, but there you go). I love the way Bear calls Frankie 'Frank'. I like him saying it's bad form. It is! Good to see Frankie under a bit of pressure. Bear: 'You're up Renee's bum.' He's right, they all are. They're all scared of her.
James is right: the public love to hate Bear. I don't understand how James got the most votes though, even though I like him. I like his confidence he's going to win!
Bear starting on Aubrey and Renee, ha! He pulled it back, though, I was quite surprised. I hate the fact Chloe went over Renee, especially as she wasn't even meant to be up.
Bear: 'When my money clears, I'll treat her as best as I can.' How romantic! Haha.
Renee is pushing for Bear to go up 'there's a bomb to dismantle.' Hold on, Bear is eternally nominated! He's already up.
Aw, Bear doing a pine for Chloe in the diary room. He's got feelings! He's human, he's got a brain. (Really?) Haha. Ooh Bear is pretending he cares about people slagging him off! Good gaming.
Marnie: 'I'm a pretty good judge of character.' You're not.
Heavy D is loving the fact Chloe has gone and Bear is weak. Heavy D wearing nail varnish: sexy time. What Heavy D is saying to Bear is true though, that for the first time the house decided, not the public.
Bear: 'They've won the battle but they've not won the war. They've got to live with me for two weeks.' YES!
Ugh, there is nothing to say about this show in my blog anymore. There are no more layers of these people's personalities to see. There's no side to anyone's personality that's going to come out and surprise us.
PS: Emma saying she wants to watch Big Brother not Ex on the Beach on BBBOTS last night! Join the fucking club, mate.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Wheel of Bore-tune

Just catching up on last night's CBB. The alleged 'nice' people are really hamming it up now, you'd think Fatboy was going off to war the way he's going on. Sam Fox's disgust when Lewis said the night previously had been the best night of his life was hilarious. The martyrdom is becoming real. Aubrey is right, there's loads more of them than there are of the plebs. It's just none of them have a spine!
I loved Bear accusing Renee of being jealous BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Renee came across so desperate the whole episode. Absolutely psychotic. As if Chloe is the brains behind Bear's ignominy! Give me a break.
Oh so they are doing kind of a lucky dip thing with the two bottom housemates tonight. It's like when Nikki Grahame should have been HOH in Big Brother Canada and it ended up being the fucking Pax brothers. (And this is exactly what happened tonight)
Rule break! Turn off Aubrey's hot water. Oh, she's gone straight to jail. Bear is right that they all agreed when Aubrey said it. They did.
Chloe vs Renee equals airtime for Chloe which equals votes to save (I hope). I want Chloe to stay.
I DESPISE Lewis's fake nice guy act! What a douchelord. At least with Bear you know your enemy.
Renee to Bear: 'I have warned you not to speak to me.' Who does she think she is? I fucking hate her. I hate the way she talks to Chloe, too. SHE'S SO JEALOUS.
Aubrey telling Bear to 'be civil' ha. Bear is in 'diffuse mode.' I'd hate to see him in TNT mode.
Renee is full on bonkers. Like, insane. I can't BEAR her (ha). My mum said she LIKES Renee on the phone to me today! WHY.
There is a task going on, something to do with dice. Some people are playing for the house, some for themselves. What did Arisa Cox say? The house always wins. So think on.
That party looks so crap. Looks like a toddler's party. The fact Lewis likes the Killers make me hate them. 'The Killers, sick!' Grow up. Still, remember when Winston and Helen had to sing The Killers and they didn't know the words.
Marnie: 'I would have sacrificed myself for Lewis.' You probably have. What's with Lewis's Hugh Grant look today? What a cuntrag.
I love the fact Bear has CBB winner 2016 on his arm. Are you allowed writing utensils in the Big Brother house these days?
What is this Marnie and Lewis argument about? Fuck off, no one cares. FAKE ASS. Lewis punching a door like the little tool he is. Kick him out, aggressive knob. Lewis loves Marnie 'so much.' No one cares, go and die.
James listing the veg his wife grows in the garden more interesting than this reality bullshit.
Lewis doesn't like Marnie flashing her bits cos she's 'his girlfriend.' They are both insecure pieces of shit. How many days have they been in there to fall in love?
OMG James and Bear got the most votes to save! Cos they're MEN! LOL James got more votes than Marnie. Hilarious. He has had probably 1% of the airtime she's had. Will BB get the message that we're sick of these reality losers now?
Who goes? Fate decides. Not that catchy, is it? Oh, Emma's in the garden again. Bear, Chloe, Marnie and Lewis look genuinely sick.
Emma has zero gravitas during these kind of things. Uh oh, the rules are too complicated for Bear. Everyone is going to evict Chloe to annoy Bear.
I hope it's 90% Chloe on the wheel and it lands on Marnie. Bear praying for Chloe was cute.
I do feel like there's a bit of tension. But not that much. 10 have chosen Chloe to go, 2 Marnie. James gets to spin the wheel, lol. It's like the jackpot on Candy Crush. You never get the good shit.
And sure enough, Chloe left. BORING! Fate always decides WRONG. Hope Bear smashes the gaff up. Give Fatboy a little scare.
Just awaiting Chloe's standard slutshaming now. Ah, she got a whole compilation of slutshaming. Emma: 'Are you not worried what people think?' Does she look like she is? And why would she?
Emma: 'Bear likes to push people's buttons.' Specifically Chloe's.
Why is Emma telling Chloe off about Bear? She's not his keeper. Oh sorry, we've ran out of time to interview you because we were so busy telling you off for being female.
Chloe, where do you normally go to be patronised? Honestly, why cast these feral people and then tell them off for BEING THEMSELVES. It makes NO SENSE. If you want polite civilised people in there, stop casting from sub-par reality shows!
Ha, Bear is saying the wheel is rigged! LOL. Nothing would surprise me!
PS: I was considering 'Wheel of (air)time' for my title but even I think that's too niche. Still, a nod to any geeks out there. Goodnight!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Why do they care?

Reality bites

Ugh, when will this series be over? It's like a nightmare I'm trapped inside and I can't get out.
Lewis is mindgaming Marnie! Making her jealous with the eyelash girl and then making her come talk to him in the morning. 'I would have respected your distance' means, 'I would have waited until you came crawling, which didn't take too long.'
Saira and Renee slagging off Chloe thinking she's asleep (but talking SO loudly). Who sleeps wearing false eyelashes? Maybe Courtney Love in the mid 90s after a bender. Chloe looks pissed off. Play it up! Game! Who uses the word 'climax'? I'm glad Saira's gone. That was really horrible and uncomfortable. Like the opposite of when Alex overheard Evelyn and Laura talking about him.
Chloe in the DR asking why the others can't be happy for her and Bear. 'Why do they care?' Good question.
Ha, then she went and told Bear that Renee called her a prostitute. I love Bear sticking up for Chloe! Ooh and now Chloe's going to stick up for herself! Even better.
Saira and Heavy D emulating Chloe and Bear was just plain mean. Why is Saira so offended by a 'massage'? Cos she's a frigid bitch. She is jealous and stuck up. She hates all the young women. She's gone the full Joey from BBUS.
Chloe is not looking too hot without her make-up on, bless her.
Renee: 'I would call you a hooker or a whore.' Fucking old trout. They WERE alluding to that, don't mess about, supposed gangster's moll.
Chloe: 'I think Saira's a fucking snake, full stop.' Correct. Chloe to Saira: 'It's dodgy when you have a bit of fun, because you're not a fun person.' SO TRUE.
Renee: 'I'm not going to be attacked by a fucking troll.' You ARE the fucking troll.
I love the expression 'social idiot' (Marnie on Saira). Best thing she's ever said.
Dare task. Fuck this electric shock pad bullshit. Where are the electric shock suits? I demand to see Frankie in full Lycra.
Marnie pied Heavy D in the face. I don't think she thinks he was the least trustworthy, I think she just wanted too. Sam called Bear the 'most boring.'Um. She should fail the task for that.
 Renee in the eating task is me. Although probably the only way to make me eat something disgusting is to blindfold me. Gagging on fishy things! Mmm. My favourite thing to watch (no really, it isn't.)
James thinks 'the house would be quieter without Bear.' You don't say.
Marnie looked so pretty on eviction night. Lewis looked like a knob as usual. 'For the first time I can look in the mirror and call myself a good man.' Where does he come up with this bullshit? What rot.
I love Bear trying to get Saira to take the coffee with her. What a mental mindset he has.
Bear being saved: 'Fuck yeah!' Haha. I bet he says that all the time in bed.
Oh God, Bear, Heavy D and Lewis getting a killer nomination each. WHY??? Can they nominate each other?
I LOVED Bear calling Renee 'very negative' when he nommed her. Great revenge! He's obviously forgotten about the spit sandwich. Lewis nominated James for playing an 'under the radar game'. Well, that much is true.
Heavy D is giving it the old Negan treatment! OMG! He nominated Marnie for 'not being a nice person'. Lewis did not look pleased. Frankie's face was also a picture. What's Heavy D's beef with Marnie? I was sure he'd nom Chloe! I would love it if Marnie went, but can't see much chance of that happening. Renee calling Bear 'a fucking roofer.' Bit mean to roofers.
Ooh, bring on the risque sexual activity! What could it be? More strangling in Marco's sex chamber? Hope so.
Renee HATES Bear so much cos he won't fuck her. Meanwhile the others are fucking in the shower. Is that the 'risque activity'? Chloe can't drown with those lips. They are deffo buoyant.
Renee is still bitching and moaning about being nommed despite saying she wouldn't.
Everyone bitching about Chloe topless dancing. WHO CARES. Sam: 'Call me a prude, I don't care.' FUCKING HYPOCRITE, FUCK OFF. That's one of my top hates, women who have made money from their bodies slagging off OTHER WOMEN doing toe exact same thing. It's the SAME THING. Do you not think people called you a slag on Page 3, Sam? Shut up then. I'm guessing 'it was art' was a joke.
Aubrey: 'How come you didn't nominate Chloe?' Because she's harmless!
Bear is now messing about on a plant and Fatboy is calling for security because 'they've knocked over a tree.' GET A GRIP, MAN. THEY ARE HAVING A LAUGH. Try it sometime! Don't get me wrong, I hate Marnie and Lewis. But at least they're doing SOMETHING. The others just moan.
Lewis, keep wabing round your ginormous rubbery willy round at your rubber faced girlfriend cos your pale flabby arse isn't much to speak of. I do feel a bit sorry for Heavy D trying to get some sleep. But not that sorry?
All the old people hiding in the bathroom. God, Frankie without his make up. Scary. James trying to arrange a mutiny.
Haha, they're all in the DR threatening to walk. Walk then, bitches! I've seen strikes in Big Brother before. John McCruick didn't speak for about five days cos he had no Diet Coke. This is amateur hour.
What do you do when you don't support either side, when there's no one to root for? When the choice is between a sadist who is at least entertaining and people who are probably OK, but so boring you can't stand them? What's your next step? Answers on a postcard.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Loose ends

Lash-lustre

Four on the block and no one I want to save. Thanks, Big Brother. Actually, I do want Bear to stay. He's earned his fee, unlike some people in there. I hope Lewis goes tonight, but Heavy D will do fine, too.
Heavy D wants to see 'boominator' tattooed on women's arses when he comes out. Good luck with that.
Who cares if people are just 'fucking' Katie? Lewis and Marnie are no more romantic than Chloe and Bear. She's coming off a bit Alex Sibley, telling people where they can wash their fanny. At least the showmances are doing SOMETHING. You're just a viewer at this point.
Bear's slapstick lobbing of the eggs makes me laugh, despite myself.
'Falling in love' is not on Lewis's radar right now. How romantic! And then the cut to Marnie is saying 'it's fate.' At least Chloe has her eyes open. Marnie is clueless when it comes to who Lewis really is.
Katie and Ricky (ie. fencesitters anonymous) are talking about the only thing they care about: Bear. Yawn!
Lewis is already trying to let Marnie down gently about the outside world. Marnie feels like 'her stomach is in knots' and Lewis feels 'like a whole man' when he's with her. Who is buying this bullshit? The cue cards are barely out of shot.
Katie and James perving on Chloe and Bear having a massage. Bear: 'This is one of the best days of my life.' Sam: 'Do you think she wants her family to see that?' What?! It's like a carry on film. It's nothing!
Saira: 'I love a bit of soft porn.' Ha. All the others think Bear and Chloe are fucking, but they're just messing round. Frankie in the DR: 'Where am I?' On a low-rent reality show, that's where.
Lewis showing Marnie some girl he hooked up with advertising eyelashes. Yet more romance from Prince Charming. Lewis is just showing off that he can get other hot girls, basically. I watched the live feed last night and even Bear thinks Lewis and Marnie are faking it and 'have the same agent.'
Marnie: 'Lewis is perfect... you could get a model, what are you doing with me?' Get a grip, he's nothing.
Bear is on Marnie's side! Didn't come across that way on the live feed last night. I enjoyed him taking the mick out of Lewis with the mouthwash.
Saira thinks everyone is after airtime. Especially herself. 'Using her tits'. Oh shut up. Might as well use your assets in life, especially if you've paid for them.
Ha, Bear's got his eye mask on again. And blue nail varnish! ALL the potential evictees are getting booed, ha. OOH Saira went! I'm actually surprised. Who the fuck voted to save Heavy D? Like, really? Don't get me wrong, Saira is annoying as fuck. But Heavy D!? Looks like Lewis's bad acting paid off either way. So annoying that all the TOWIEs are still in as they'll get big heads.
Saira came across very well in her interview. Is a bit of an insult for her to go over the others, but she's Asian, she's a woman, it shouldn't really be that much of a shock, should it?
Saira championing Bear! Emma not convinced cos she's a prissy cow. She's got SUCH a stick up her arse. RELAX, Emma. The producers cast Bear to BE BEAR. Don't fight it. Chloe and Bear snogging on the sofa at the end when they all have to sit round together. Gross, that would drive you mad.
So what dumb twist is there? The three safe housemates will be nominating? Why? Why not everyone? Then the house will have to take part in 'group or singular games of chance'. I'm sure it won't be a lot of recycled crap we've seen before (much!). Bring on the electric shock suits!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: LGB-see ya

CI-slayed

Bring on the Biggins bashing! I wanna see what he got kicked out for in FULL GLORY. It must be pretty bad. Can't wait! Haha at Biggins 'getting removed from the house' face. Like a naughty schoolboy. It would be a shock to live with Bear and be ejected before him, though. You'd be like, whaaaaat?
Rule breaks from James for talking noms and Bear for disrespecting the have not rule. They are being sent to jail (if you can call it that, it looks like it's made out of paper, plus you can escape from it). Is the hot water already off or what?
Loving Fatboy complaining in the DR about Bear being a 'litterbug'. It's quite a petty crime, really. Ooh, Bear is busting out of jail! No respect for the rules. That's what you get for making your jail out of origami. Big Brother threatening the entire house! Get that hot water off now.
Here comes Biggins downfall! Ooh, gay talk. What offensive thing is he going to say about his own people this time? Bisexuals created AIDS! Oh God. Renee is going conspiracy theory style, how AIDS was invented to wipe out third world countries. That's 'developing countries' to you.
Biggins telling Grant he's 'been careful about what he says.' What would he normally say!? Is this it, what he went out for?
Both the girls astride the two guys. GRIM. Lewis has got a stiffy. Vom.
Big Brother is telling Lewis to stop doing dares to 'humilate others.' What's up Big Brother's arse today? Talk about being prissy. Relax. Plus those dares were like a week ago.
What comment did Biggins make about Jewish people?! Why aren't they telling us! Why cover for him? ARGH how annoying when we've waited this long! What a swizz. Biggins is 'very sorry and very sad'.
Haha the other housemates reactions to Biggins going. Frankie was not happy. 'Maybe he's sick.' Bear: 'Who cares, who gives a fuck?' LOL! Big Brother should tell them why he's gone as otherwise they'll speculate worse things.
Lewis telling Heavy D to 'respect the process.' Moral code, ha.
Grant going (again). Heavy D's suit is visual vomit. Marnie upset about Grant getting booed, haha.
Eternal nomination again and still no twist. They could have CGI-ed one in to save Bear. He's carrying the show at present.
Bear: 'I can get a whole lot fucking worse.' Yes! Frankie shitting it about nomming Bear, lol. Ha, Bear kicking off and calling Frankie 'false' and telling him to 'bore off'. Ha! Frankie spinning it that bear being permanently up 'is not a bad thing'. Especially if Bear goes, hey?
Bear now intimidating Katie. 'I'm not going to suffer all the small talk now.' Haha. Katie is such a drip. Stand up for yourself!
Lewis is making sure Frankie doesn't feel intimidated by him, ha. He's a true gamer.
Bear is telling Chloe he likes her, haha. Showing his sensitive side there, aw. Bear really loves that eye mask. Is he going to a swinging party later?
Fatboy giving Katie a pep talk is like a puddle giving a sponge a pep talk. Airtime deficit.
Ha, Renee doesn't like the fact that Bear drew a dick next to Aubrey's name (well, he spelt it Audry, but...) Dick doodle rage! How can you be offended by a drawing of a willy? Renee is 99% hot air, 1% hypocrisy.
Ha, the Americans digging Saira out for not nomming Bear. Saira can vote for who she wants. Humpty Dumpty, sorry, I mean Heavy D, is much more annoying.
Aubrey on Bear in the DR: 'There's no compassion, caring, depth, understanding, intellect.' True. If Bear's a disease, he probably caught it off your jam sandwich.
So should Biggins have gone? I think so. Should some of the others? Yes. Should they try and cast some civilised people for next CBB? One or two might be nice. Thanks! Bisexuals: as you were.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Eternal lame

Camp? Moi?

Emma's hair in looking good shocker! Whatever next?
I can't believe Biggins has been ejected and not Bear! Appaz he compared Big Brother to a concentration camp but this was one of a 'number of comments.' Bisexuals around the country are rejoicing as we speak. I can't stand Biggins anyway, but I enjoyed his clothing choices.
Is it fair though, for someone to be removed for words rather than actions (ie. Bear and Aubrey?) They make the rules up 100% as they go along. It makes no sense to me.
Is it just me or do James and Grant seem to have got disproportionately low airtime this year? In fact it's not just them: Fatboy and Sam Fox are also near on invisible. Bear being Bear is all well and good, but can't we see a little suuiiink suuuiink from the other housemates that you've paid to go in there? Even a chat about Brexit and hoover strength would be fine. How much do you think they made on the phonelines tonight? £40?
Think what Frankie Grande must think about English women from the likes of Marnie and  (lesserly so) Chloe?! It's a national embarrassment.
Saira shouting at Chloe: 'You're playing with other people's emotions!' The way she speaks to people! OMG. So rude. Why shouldn't Chloe play with fire? It's her life. I liked Chloe's face during that conversation, like 'whhhhhhaat?'
Bovey getting some much-needed airtime. But was then boring.
Saira: 'I don't care' when she clearly does. Renee: 'It seems like you're trying to force your views on everyone.' Never a truer word spoken. How can Saira be that old and NOT KNOW HERSELF? I've known myself since I was about 15.
I don't even know why Marnie is shouting. She is proper scum. Foghorn.
Bear comes back in after a stern tell off from Big Brother. He's doing his apology tours. Have they replaced that window yet? I don't know why Bear is even apologising to Saira, what did he do to her?
Frankie calling Chloe, Lewis, Bear and Marnie the minions. Alliance talk! Love it.
I think Heavy D might be a bit... simple? Is that OK to say? Oh well, I've said it now.
Saira is sooooo jealous of all the young girls. She wants to have 'a bit of a laugh'. When!
Grant and James both got silence. Is that worse than boos? Ugh, I hate 'save me' speeches. CRAP. Why did James get such booage then? Makes no sense.
Ooh secret mission for Frankie! See his face light up when he was given the task? I liked Frankie's action sequence, jumping in the pool then screaming at people in the bath. Frankie's singing bit was funny, too. Frankie made me laugh out loud like the dogs in that TV show. Could my Frankie bet be about to pay off?
Bear has noticed Chloe and Heavy 'sitting next to each other.' SO WHAT.
Lewis: 'It's nice to meet a bird you wanna be pals with.' FUCK YOU. Going on about his 'clique'. TWAT. Lewis wants to look out for Saira. WHY.
Aubrey's hair extensions have black roots! WEIRD.
Sam lamenting Fatboy has no wine. He has no airtime either. 'Sharing is caring' but Bear doesn't care and therefore doesn't share.
Bear snogging Chloe in the bath, grabbing her neck and feeling her boobs, ha. SEXUAL.
I love James's confidence that he's going to be there for another week, cos it's true.
Bear would not fare well as a have not, eating the luxury food. I thought he wasn't going to break any more rules! Aubrey spitting in Bear's mouth. WHY! Bear: 'She's one of these kinky bitches.' Seems so. That's why he didn't care about the spit sandwich, cos he's into it.
Chloe: 'Bear's not my kind of guy.' Ha. She's attracted by him being a 'bad boy' ie. a twat. So much tongue! STOP SNOGGING. Why is Bear sleeping on the floor anyway?
OK eviction show! I like the half hour break in the middle as gives me the chance to fix up my blog and read Twitter. 'Get Saira out!' Of all the people.
Why is Grant getting cheered? I don't get it. He's done nothing except been a bit sleazy.
Imagine being in the crowd, seeing him come out. Bit dry, isn't it.
The most interesting thing about this interview is the different ways people pronounced Grant when they nominated him.
Poor Grant, he got so many noms! God knows why. Bovey has no lips. He should get Chloe to lend him some of hers.
Grant is in the backtrack zone over Marnie! He was being 'humorous.' Haaaaa. Grant called Bear 'desperate', ha.
NOM BOMB time. How are they gonna rig it? They have to give someone 'eternal nomination'. I bet you a million pounds that person is safe.
Heavy D and Bear are picking up all the noms! Renee did Saira. Chloe did James. Bear drew a picture of a dick next to Aubrey's name. LOL. I love Bear riding the zebra after being nommed. He's such a cocky twat.
Bear is taking the eternal nomination well (not).
I can't believe they didn't say 'but the real task is' and save him. Bear will be safe anyway on a vote to save cos knobheads will vote to save him. (Like me, probably).