Monday, 26 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: BBUK - The apology tours

I don't think it's really fair to put all the housemates up for eviction. They never use evictions as a punishment when it's just one or two acting up! Unfair to people who did nothing, ie. Raph, Charlotte (so what's new?) and (weirdly) Joe.
It's the morning after the night before. It's funny how different people see things, isn't it? Both in the house and on Twitter. People HATE Chanelle on Twitter. I don't know why, I think she's got a good heart under all the crap.
Chanelle: 'People do need to be told off, last night scared me. I've not come here for that.'
Deborah casually going 'morning' to the room of dickheads. Savannah saying the dickheads need to travel 'as a pack.'
Charlotte went: 'How is Deborah still here?' Keiran: 'The rules in this place are corrupt. It's like politics.' No, aggressive men get thrown out (Lotan), as do aggressive women (Kayleigh).
Ellie, Tom and Kieran slagging off Isabelle and comparing her to a three year old. Yawn.
The house has been transformed into a hippy commune. I like the tie dye table cloths. I thought it was a punishment at first because they'd removed the sofa.
Ellie needs to go next. I can't stand her. Her or Tom. I'm a bit worried about everyone being up! Imagine if one of the sisters went because it's a split vote?
Chanelle is waiting for an apology from Ellie. Good luck. Chanelle: 'The house needs witchcraft.' I'm not sure about that.
Raph and Deborah are at the tree of love singing about 'love, peace and harmony'. Savannah's stage outfit is 'kind of risky.' She is 'kind of an idiot.'
Hannah is called to the diary room and Kieran calls her a lemon. Hannah has a bruise on her face from when Ellie punched her. Did Ellie punch her? I didn't see that. Big Brother has reviewed the tape and said Ellie didn't punch her. Damn.
Savannah calling Hannah and Deborah 'sly fucks.' This dumb cow has been outside and is choosing the evil path. Thick or what?
Hannah wants to 'be a conductor of 'love peace and harmony.'
I enjoy the split house, as long as the numbers are quite even and the idiots get themselves thrown out once or twice a week.
I saw a lot of people on Twitter saying Joe could have diffused the situation last night. But Joe's not a diffuser, he's an instigator.
Tom thinks Lotan's been kicked out, because he SAW the way Lotan was in the DR. I'm glad they're letting them stew on it. Isabelle thinks there's no tension or negative vibes in the house anymore. Not sure about that.
I like the marquees and all the quilts and stuff. Looks like my house. More so than normal.
Chanelle keeps the mood up in the house, getting them to give each other compliments. It's sweet.
Isabelle calling the other side 'miserable cunts.' Ha. Not sure about Chanelle's leather baseball cap. Might put that on the eek list.
Savannah: 'The only power we have is sticking together as a group.' Can Chanelle hear that? I love her falling on the floor and complaining about the negativity.
Savannah: 'He was wrong to swizzle the drink.' He didn't swizzle it, whatever the fuck that means. He threw it in two women's faces, dumbo. God, she's annoying.
Housemates are getting a tell off for not listening to Big Brother 'during heated conversations.' Tannoy tell off! 'Big Brother must be able to seperate housemates over the tannoy.' But you're not able to do that, Big Brother.
I'm glad they said about Lotan's behaviour 'in the house, in the diary room and over the past few days.' Big Brother encourages the housemates to 'show tolerance.'
Was good to see Hannah and Tom making up even though he's a cretin. Ellie and Deborah also making up. Ellie is so thick. She doesn't understand basic English.
I love Deborah saying 'I panicked and wanted to go home' about her bolting up the stairs. Revisionist history! Lol. Good excuse, though.
Ellie you went 'come on, hit me!' Let's not any of us pretend we didn't know what was happening.
Even Tom and Chanelle are making up. Have they all been forced to make up? This feels fishy as fuck.
Hannah is saying Charlotte picked a side. Yeah, we noticed it, too. Charlotte hidden up the corner like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen counter. She's about as entertaining as him, too.
Hannah and Isabelle are a weird friendship. Isabelle does look like a clown and she's a weird person. But she's interesting. I wonder if the tide will turn with her now Lotan's gone.
Ellie and Tom seem to be over Lotan already, which is odd. Ellie making up with Raph and saying they're going to become better friends. We'll see. This all feels fake as fuck. Are they reading these apologies off cue cards?
They're now chanting 'I'm at one with the Big Brother house' whenever a noise goes off.
Not buying Ellie's cheeky chappie persona now Lotan's gone. Hannah's singing is fucking awful. That would drive me mad, to be honest.
I love the fact on BBUK they DO just give them more drink. On BBUS, they get no drink because, well, death threats.
Chanelle has been called to the DR for another tell off. But she's on a final warning. Oh, now they're saying because she didn't start the row, it doesn't count that she threw her drink. Nice. I like the fact they're just making it up as they go along. What will the excuse be next time!
Deborah is now getting told off for going up the stairs after Ellie. Big Brother says 'in the moment it seemed...' Ha! It was. She was 'just annoyed Lotan was back in the house and felt scared'. Don't blame her. She was just trying to get to the exit, honest, guv. I love it. Good one! Viewers may have found it offensive! I found it hilarious.
Save us from Ellie's 'jokes' please.
I agree what Isabelle said about Lotan's son wasn't bad. She's 100% correct. It wasn't about Lotan's son. It was about Lotan and it touched a nerve. 'With the others, I feel like they're just being nice cos they've got to be. It's either be nice or look like an absolute twat.'
Raph is talking to Kieran. It's weird seeing people who never talk being made to talk, like a storyline that's been forced upon them or a bad soap opera.
Raph is sticking up for Deborah running up the stairs. Kieran: 'You'd be scared if you were at the top of the stairs and I took my jacket off and ran at you.' Raph: 'I don't know.' I love his loyalty to Deborah because Kieran is actually right for the first time ever.
I hate the fact they're trying to give Ellie a 'fun edit' now Lotan's gone. Gross. We can remember a day ago, Big Brother! Don't fuck about.
Joe in the pink feathers, ha. Deborah is painting Kieran's nails. Joe is trying to get off with Deborah, asking which of the guys she fancies, lol. She put him down! Joe: 'Fuck peace, love and harmony.' It's nice to see them smiling for once!
Ooh, it's vote to evict! Bye, Tom! Next month's phone bill just went up, up, up.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: What are you here for?

Lotan got ejected, Lotan got ejected! Woo! At least something fun happened this week.
Quite funny really seeing Lotan and Tom's last wake up time together. Aw. Talk about bum chums, and I use that in the most sex positive way. Tom saying Lotan's hard on was sticking in his back all night. I'm sure.
Raph and Deborah moaning about the clique. The idiot boys said they were going to 'Casper' Isabelle. Isabelle can't Casper them back, but she can satsuma them. Sorry, I want to avoid Isabelle tan jokes from now on, but that was a last one for luck.
It's weird seeing night time japes on Big Brother, as you don't normally see them. Big Brother has called Savannah in to check if she was OK with the guys roughhousing on top of her. She says, 'boys will be boys.' Big Brother is just one long tell off now. 'Tom, you forced someone's genitals into close proximity with another human.' Tom thinks it was funny. I can't really tell what happened myself. But I remember Aaron Frew being chucked out for less and he was a decent bloke, unlike these absolute mugs.
Savannah is boasting about her LA life. Seeing Justin Bieber in a cafe. Oh, she's alluding to how she fucked him. Grim.
I never even knew Lotan had a son until tonight. This feels like a normal conversation in the Big Brother house. Weird. They are only showing it to build up to later, I guess.
What is Joe even saying to Raph? No one knows.
I like Isabelle joking that she's made the house miserable and she doesn't want to say sorry. Her eyebrows! I mean, the tan is one thing. But the eyebrows.
Ooh, nomination time. Looks like EVERYONE nominated Isabelle. Even the other newbie! Ellie 'doesn't know what her journey is.' Ellie, your journey is up Lotan's arsehole.
Ooh, Charlotte nominated Hannah! Eek.
All the people I like nommed Lotan. I like the way they've cut the noms in a way. I do like to hear all the noms, but I think it's quite entertaining seeing all the reasons for one person at the same time.
Tom is getting a few as well. I want Savannah to go as well, I can't stand her. At least Raph isn't up. Up is Tom, Hannah, Isabelle and Lotan. I like it when four are up, it feels tight. Will be three soon. Not Joe though! Bugging.
Hannah: 'If there's a point they want to prove, let it be proven.'
Lotan knew who was going up. Did he know he was going to throw his toys out of the pram and go too?
Chanelle thinks 'some of his own' have voted for Tom.
I love Isabelle nodding off while Ellie is talking. Hilarity. Chanelle doesn't like Isabelle being victimised. Yay, I like it when Chanelle stands up for her friends.
Lotan sneezing and going 'I'm allergic to bullshit.' Chanelle: 'You shouldn't be alive, you should be dead with all the bullshit you say.' Haaaaaa. Lotan: 'You just wished me dead.' No, she didn't. But I will, later in this blog.
I guess Big Brother got what they wanted with the shitstir task. Did we even get to hear the rules at all? They just have labels with slurs all over them, ha.
Her name is ISABELLE not Isabella. Lotan is so NASTY calling Isabelle 'princess'. He's so patronising. Big Brother throws a match into a firework factory and laughs. I think they'd probably had enough of Lotan, too.
Woah, the atmosphere in that house is terrible. Lotan is drunk and belligerent calling Chanelle a 'camera hungry bitch.' Raph looks like he wants to disappear into the couch.
Isabelle: 'You're being cocky cos you've had a drink' to Lotan.
Raph and Chanelle's 'bed buddies' scene about how much they loved each other in the middle of that was like calm in the eye of a storm.
Charlotte thinks Hannah's 'petty'. I think Charlotte's a turncoat. Bring back her mum.
Lotan picking on Isabelle for looking in the mirror. The house literally can't sit round a couch together without someone getting kicked out. Hannah: 'It doesn't look good' to Lotan. You aint seen nothing yet.
There is something weird about Isabelle. She seems almost like... drugged up.
Isabelle said to Lotan: 'You're meant to be a role model to your son' after Lotan said he wasn't taking anything anyone said seriously. She actually said it twice because she slurred it the first time (meds).
Lotan then threw a drink on the girls. I love Hannah's rage! Rightly so. It went RIGHT in her face, so he's not a good shot as he was aiming for Isabelle.
Chanelle: 'Are you fucking serious!' She threw her drink again. It's lucky the glasses are plastic. Lets face it, if they kicked everyone out who was on a final warning tonight, there'd be three people left. 
I also love Raph grabbing Chanelle's leg. I love Deborah calming Hannah down.
Isabelle smiled! She smiled. Hahaha. Ooh, she's cold. I love it.
Ellie is so gross sticking up for Lotan: 'What are you here for?' to Isabelle. To take out the trash. 'Why are you here, you're pissing me off.' That's why she's there. Why didn't they pick Sam? I'm glad they didn't now.
I love watching the faces of the people who don't get involved too.
Who cares if someone mentions someone's son or daughter. Who GIVES A FUCK.
Chanelle in the garden: 'He's fucking vile.' She's not wrong. He was picking on Isabelle and she bit back and he couldn't take it.
Chanelle didn't realise what Isabelle said about Lotan's son. Isabelle *impassive* 'Yeah, but I did.'
Lotan in the diary room digging his grave. 'First thing in the morning I'm going to pack up my stuff... I swirled my drink around the group... because of the ugly one with the orange face, this disgrace of a human being.' Tom giggling by his side like a little lapdog. How will be cope without someone suck off at night?
Then smashing up the DR. Kayleigh flashbacks. Lotan even turned on his little bitch Tom then! 'Get the fuck away from me.' Haaaaaaa. Brilliant.
Ellie defending Lotan chucking a drink at Hannah. Grim. Deborah is acting like it happened to her, not Lotan.
Charlotte piping up: 'You can't bring family members into it.' You bought your mum in and no one complained. In fact, I'd swap you for her.
Ellie going to Isabelle: 'Go mention Deborah's kid.' No, because Deborah hasn't been digging Isabelle out since the MOMENT she walked through the door, you thick bitch.
Lotan coming out of the diary room and fronting up to the girls cos he had to have the last word.
'Do you think they're going to drag me out?' Hope so.
Ellie talking to Lotan like she's his mum. Everyone telling Lotan to go to the DR. I wish security had dragged him out.
Gross. 'Yuck' indeed. I love Kieran's hands up when security came in like he's been stopped by the police before.
Deborah getting in Lotan's face was great. Standing up for her sister by pushing her sister out of the way to have it out with hm . Amazing. This bit on the stairs is amazing. Magic!
I LOVE the sisters giving it back to Lotan. Bald security guard for the win! 'Pussyhole!'
Keiran with his hands up like the police have just stopped him, I'm dying.
Ellie swung at Deborah's face? I never saw it and I rewound, believe me. Deborah said to Hannah: 'stop it, we have work.' What does that mean! Like, they have jobs outside, not like these reality TV jokers, I think. OMG I love Deborah racing up the stairs to clock Ellie. Raph ran even faster that here. I wish she'd got there. I despise Ellie. That was legendary.
Ellie on the floor. Chanelle yelling from outside. So much to watch! What a mess.
Savannah with her hands over her ears on the couch is basically me as a little kid. Then she goes 'I have to leave cos I am claustrophobic.'
Deborah to the security guards, almost embarrassed: 'If I'd known it was going to be like this, I'd have never of signed up for it.' Me either. But isn't that how most things in life start!?
I love Chanelle and Hannah saying they were gonna go home because of this crap. I don't blame them. If you feel in an unsafe environment, that's not cool. The Big Brother house should be a safe space.
Lotan: 'It's either I stay or she does.' Her? Thinking Isabelle is going to get removed for what she said! You threw a drink at girls, then came back in for round two. Gross.
Tom calling Isabelle an embarrassment. He would know.
I love Raph trying to calm Deborah then crying. She's rightly appalled at someone throwing a drink at her. It is disgusting. Deborah: 'I've never had a man throw a drink in my face. I'm a mum.' I've thrown a drink in a man's face. It was fun.
Now the sisters are fighting with each other. I love it! The sisters must be on a warning by now.
Chanelle about Lotan: 'Why the fuck is he still here when he keeps doing this to women?' Good question.
I love the security guard monitoring the sister's coversation. How have they managed for the past three decades? I understand why Deborah is disappointed in herself, but her barrelling up the stairs is very GIFworthy and she was driven to it. She's worried how the public will percieve it. I think they'll love it! Twitter looks HOT right now. My tweets are going through the roof. I love seeing sisters stick up for each other.
Why is Lotan back in the house, drunk and threatening girls!? That is the biggest question of the whole night. He should NEVER have been allowed back in.
Lotan: 'If she was where I'm from and not uptown London...' What does that mean exactly? 'She did well to get a couple of spits on here.' Oh what do you prefer, an acid attack, Lotan?
Lotan: 'I walked away because I wanted to destroy her physically and mentally. She's a psychopath.'
Chanelle is right that Isabelle highlighted something that was already there. 'I feel really guilty' she says, with all the passion of a dead fish. Chanelle keeps saying she feels bad, but I don't think she does, and I kind of like it, haha.
Charlotte: 'We're a bigger group' with Tom and Lotan. Number talk! Eww. You backed the wrong horse, Charlotte. What would your mum say about you hanging out with Tom! Tom: 'Family.' Yeah, you evicted hers.
Lotan thinks the amount of liquid in his glass makes a difference when you throw a drink on someone. There was plenty in there. Lotan: 'Any man would have reacted the same way and I own it. If people are intimidated by me, it's their problem and not mine. I'm being persecuted for being a male. Fuck the TV show. Fuck the situation and fuck the girls that went off. Right or wrong, it could have been a hell of a lot worse.' How?! Fuck you. 'This is who I am, take me or leave me.' I'll leave it, thanks.
Next day: Lotan: 'Oy oy, do you like my slippers?' to Big Brother. I think it's a no. I knew he'd say it was cool when he got told to leave. He'll pretend it was his idea now. Not sure why he had his finger in his ear as he left, probably trying to keep his one braincell from falling out of his dumb head.
Say what you want about this series, but Lotan's downfall was beautiful. Throughly enjoyed it. Can't wait to see Ellie and Tom pissing and moaning about it now. Hopefully they'll follow him out.
We podded last night by the way. Consider it a parting gift for Lotan.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up'

Ooh it's a secret eviction. I like seeing the housemates all asleep. Old skool!
Emma making jokes about us hating the new housemates. Hmm.
These housemates are so orange-ist. Poor Morph feels boring already. Ha, Morph and Rebecca are forming a support group of Kieran's cast offs.
Rebecca immediately reporting back to Kieran. What a snitch. Kieran acting like he has some secret with Morph. 'She's my mate's ex girlfriend.' So what. Why did you sleep with her then!
Woah, look how much make up Morph is putting on! It's concealer, not Ronseal.
Why is Rebecca's arm in a sling? Probably from all that stirring.
The soundproofing must be good in the house. Emma's shrill as ever outside and still they don't wake up.
Kieran has been summoned to the 'den of dilemma.' Big Brother is putting him on a date with Savannah and making Isabelle (Morph) wait on them. No shit. He's trying to frame it as being respectful. Wrong answer. Lol at Chanelle: 'They said you're a waiter, doesn't mean you're a good one.' Ha.
Kieran likes a girl who gets dirty. Or pisses on him. I like the fact Isabelle is openly sulking. Quite funny.
I loved Isabelle drenching him in suncream. 'I'm not gonna bite.' He looked SO ANGRY. He's acting so affronted she's there. It's not your house, Kieran. You're not paying rent.
Ha, them asking Kieran what noises Rebecca makes in bed. Bet Chanelle goes WAAAAA.
Tom about Raph: 'He does my head in... boring twat.' The people's housemate, everyone. Raph is upset they're always talking about sex. 'It's not that interesting.' That depends who you're doing it with.
Kieran has made Morph cry. He's ruining her experience by alienating her. Poor thing. She thought 'it would be funny' being with Kieran in the house. I don't know why.
Raph, Deborah and Chanelle playing word association. Lotan: attention seeking. Joe: mean. Isabelle: misunderstood. This is a fun game for all the family.
Lotan thinks Hannah's leaving. Tom on Joe: 'Everyone loves a geezer.' Only if it's Danny Dyer. Otherwise, fack off, you muggy cunt.
Ha, both the new girls are finding it awkward. I actually don't mind either of the new girls. 'Don't mind' is faint praise, though.
Lotan has been called to the den of dilemma. He can hear mean tweets about Ellie or about himself. Please let it be one of mine.
Lotan chose his own. Ellie is crying as if he's a saint. He's just vain and wants to hear his own name. Ha, Ellie has to read them aloud to him.
Lotan 'no one comments if a dog barks at the moon, but if the dog barks back, it'll make the moon faint.' That's Gaz's tattoo of the week sorted. Lotan makes David Brent look profound. Even Ryan Ruckledge is dissing Lotan. Zing.
I can't be bothered to write down the rest of this crap. They are banishing themselves from the party. Oh well.
Lotan: 'I don't speak for everyone.' Makes a change. The other housemates are being martyrs and not having the party.
Rebecca and Lotan are slagging off Deborah for putting mushrooms in the food? And they were slagging off the sisters to the newbies as soon as they came in.
The other housemates enjoying secretly watching Rebecca and the sisters arguing, ha.
Lotan: 'How can that bitch - and I use that word openly...' about Hannah. This guy is a pure cunt. What did she even do? Exist?
Oh the housemates have realised it's an eviction. Boring. I wanna see them tipped out in their dressing gowns.
The sisters calling Lotan 'an ignorant bastard', ha. Ooh, the sisters are slagging off Ellie for leaving her knickers around and Raph laughed.
It's not two faced to talk about someone behind their back in the Big Brother house. I'm sure you've done it, Ellie.
Ooh, the sisters are taking some names! Bring it! Ellie saying 'true colours are showing.' No comment. STFU Ellie, you're irrelevant. 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up.' Really? Tell that to Stephanie Davies.
I love Deborah not apologising to Ellie. Deborah to Ellie: 'You don't have to say everything you think.' Ha.
That chocolate fountain is going to waste. Oh my God, Lotan and Tom are sticking their faces in it.
The sisters are giving Isabelle a pep talk. Good! Get her on side.
Whenever one side is having fun, the other side bitches. Mind you, this is boring. Has Charlotte defected from the exiles? Would anyone notice?
Crowd are chanting 'Get Joe out!' Whoop. Some people are shouting 'get Rebecca out' and Lotan said 'shut up.' Ha. I wouldn't mind Rebecca or Joe going, but ideally Joe.
Ooh, I just noticed Emma actually looks nice. I prefer the slick down hair to the bouffant. Her red pantsuit is nice, too.
Eviction time! 'Get Joe out!' Woo. Omg it's Rebecca. I hate Rebecca, but how does Rebecca go over Joe? Really. Pure sexism. Sigh. Mind you, at least we can wave goodbye to her built in storyline. She looks like she's wearing a bit of old wallpaper.
Rebecca: 'I was a little bit ready to leave.' Well, your roots need doing already. Annoying that Joe outlasted her.
Oh I forgot to blog that whole interview because I couldn't care less. What's next to look forward to on Big Brother? Oh I know, BB19.
Pod on Saturday! If Big Brother is gonna fuck with the days, so can we. Retaliation!

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Fuck 'em all

Ooh, interesting! Raph is taking the rap for pranks that him AND Chanelle did. Joe: 'I keep telling you about this guy.' About Raph. You can keep telling us all the way out the door, you grumpy sod.
Rebecca complaining in the DR about Joe hating on Raph. At least she likes Raph (or hates Joe more).
Joe telling Raph he's 'slippery'. It was a prank! Get over yourself. Joe seems either VERY depressed or angry in there. 
Lotan is boiling every egg in the house in revenge. Charlotte is taking six eggs for herself. What is she, the Easter bunny?
Chanelle: 'People don't take the time to get to know you, Raph.' Chanelle is still carrying on with the egg smashing. I love her, now. I love her and Raph, that's it.
Chanelle: 'Tom and Lotan take everything so serious.' Aint that the truth. Chanelle is doing some good acting about the eggs. 'I wanted an omlette.' I think she could be the new Karen from BBCAN.
Lotan calling Chanelle 'sweetheart.' He's such a patronising TWAT. My mild dislike of him has rocketed into unbridled hatred.
Blind Date task. Yet another show dating Big Brother is ripping off (yes, I know it's on the same channel). The new housemates are Savannah, Sam and... I've forgotten the other one. Isabelle.
Lotan: 'The first thing people notice about me is my curly hair.' No, it's that you're a knob.
The first thing people notice about contestant number one is that she looks like Morph. Second one is Jay McCray. The Irish one looks the best bet and is the most 'diverse' (lol).
Rebecca is stressed that one of them knows Kieran. Is it Morph?
Ellie is jealous of the Irish girl. Ellie is jealous of... (insert name here - hey Demetres) is getting old.
All the new housemates think they'll clash with Hannah and Deborah. Great, more people who hate the sisters. Just what we need.
Morph isn't going to get into the house saying she fancies Kieran. Savannah fancies Lotan or Kieran. Grim.
Ellie can't believe that Sam fancies her. I can't either, tbh.
This dancing behind a screen thing is probably the most tragic thing I've ever seen on Big Brother, and that's saying something.
Joe is grumping that the outside people have 'info' on them. What's he worried about coming out?! It's not like they're sending in Louis Theroux, it's just a couple of blondes and a meat shield.
Rebecca is worried her storyline is going to go off. It's like when they replace a character on a soap with a new, more attractive actor.
It's bad enough looking like Morph, but the eyebrows aren't helping. The guy actually seems OK. He seems harmless so far.
The old housemates are so bitter. Lotan thinks the lad 'is full of shit.' Um. Chanelle doesn't want someone to come in and 'be a gobby little fuck.' That's her job.
Lotan is right that Morph will wind people (ie. Rebecca) up. Tom and Lotan do 'anything each other says.' Get a room.
Lotan intimidated by Sam's height. I love it. I hope he goes in. What the fuck, they chose the two girls? What a fix letting Lotan and Keiran and Chanelle choose, of course they're going to choose the two girls. Every single decision is a bad one. All we're going to get now is the guys peacocking round the new girls and Ellie and Rebecca being jealous.
I feel like Hitler is producing BB this year, and the BB eugenics task is nearly complete.
Look at Tom acting like the big man with the two new women. Gross! God, please don't let them join the 'clique'.
Ellie likes to be 'the girl with the good personality.' Will you tell her, or shall I?
Savannah just slipped on an egg. Trip hazard! I thought she was Rebecca from behind. Interchangable blondes for the win! Diversity!
Rebecca has come to the diary room and said 'I don't want to be a bitch.' Cut to her being a bitch. Rebecca going 'I don't know what Kieran was thinking' about Morph. Fuck off. Kieran slept with Morph in Ibiza last year. He 'hates tans.' Why fuck Morph then?
Joe is worried about the tan from Morph going in the hot tub. Joe isn't exactly pale and interesting himself.
Joe saying to her: 'Isn't there different shades?' Mind your own business! Don't tell people what colour they can be.
OMG at Chanelle quizzing Isabelle (Morph) about Kieran. 'Did you suck him?' Morph: 'Probably.' Chanelle: 'Did he suck you?' No. Suck what?! Of course he didn't. Men are such selfish twats in bed sometimes.
Lotan trying to chat up Savannah... desperate.
Isabelle is annoyed Kieran said what happened between them. Er... she just told everyone you sucked him off.
Lotan, Kieran and Tom are having a group shower. Lock the cubicle and keep the water running.
Isabelle is sitting with Chanelle and the sisters. That's a good sign.
Lotan at the girl's singing: 'Shut the fuck up, you boring bitches.' Speak for yourself.
Raph is explaining what's going down in the DR and he's happy with the new blood.
Raph going to Rebecca: 'I know who I want to go and it's not you, Hannah or Chanelle.' Lol.
Even the sight of Lotan now sickens me. I HATE HIM. He's my worst one by a mile.
Ellie: 'Fuck 'em all, cunts.' Aw, sad she didn't get the guy who fancies her in there.
Lotan going on about Savannah's size, shut up. I'm sure she's aware she's small.
Savannah seems like she has a brain in her head at least. Oh the lads: 'They're not boyfriend material, but they're comic relief.'
Isabelle thinks Lotan's got a 'good body but an absolute dickhead who makes her cringe inside.' I don't even think he has a good body.
OK, maybe these new girls have got something more to them that first appearances suggest. If they hate Lotan, they can stay. If Raph can rally them up, they've got the numbers to take out the clique and I'll be here for it.
Don't forget it's the eviction tomorrow, not Friday. Save Hannah and Chanelle, please? If Hannah goes over Joe, it would be too depressing. Let's not evict any more minorities, please. The producers are already trying to ethnically cleanse the house, we don't have to help them along.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I've got better things to do than discuss fucking eggs

Saw the new housemates on Twitter today. More thick white people! It's like Big Brother is trying to annoy their minority viewers. Give us some people with brains, please. Or at least personalities. One is Kieran's ex! What next, Kieran's mum? Oh, she's already in there.
Chanelle telling Kieran he's sexy when he's angry. Rebecca's gonna come for your edges, whatever the fuck that means.
Joe is a bit intimidating, I think. As are his family members trolling me on my blog - sigh.
Ooh, noms already. Raph nommed Tom for 'caring about airtime' and Joe for his crap 'Bobbys' tattoo. No, for not liking him and for being disrespectful. Raph: 'Girl power.' Lol.
Joe nommed Rebecca and Charlotte: 'I don't even notice she's in the house.' Fair point, nor do I.
Ellie nommed Joe for being negative. Joe does seem miserable as sin in there. Probably worried about his GF on the outside. Ellie also nominated Rebecca, so at least she tooks shots at both sides.
Charlotte nominated Joe for being miserable and Chanelle! Nooooo. Boo. For knocking a drink towards Kayleigh. Who cares!
Chanelle couldn't get through passport control in Turkey because she'd had plastic surgery. Dear oh dear.
Tom: 'Have you ever bent over the mirror and farted?' Entertainment is obviously lacking in Wales.
Rebecca has pissed on someone ie. Keiran. I saw this whole bit on BBBOTS, so what's the point?
Kieran realising what they're talking about takes him a minute. So Kieran is a little bitch in bed. Figures.
Oh, more noms. Deborah nommed Joe and Tom for being 'far up Lotan', ha.
Ooh, Kieran nominated Joe! I'm surprised. And also Chanelle for not washing up. Cop out.
Rebecca nominated Joe for hating women. I think that's probably quite true. She also nominated Hannah for being moody and for singing. Please stop singing.
Hannah nominated Joe for having a go at Rebecca, bit ironic as Rebecca just nommed her. Oh, her second nomination was Rebecca. We're never gonna get rid of Lotan and Kieran.
Tom and Lotan colluding on noms... again.
Deborah has had her cleavage and fanny pierced apparently. Who knew?!
Lotan nominated Hannah and Chanelle. Tom nominated Hannah and Rebecca (I think, I was resetting my phone and I'm not rewinding him).
Chanelle nominated Joe and Rebecca. That argument came back to haunt both of them, didn't it?
Chanelle: 'All Rebecca's bringing is having breakdowns every day.'
The housemates up are Joe, Hannah, Rebecca and Chanelle. Joe doesn't give a fuck. Raph happy he's not 'on the block.'
Deborah: 'It's so predictive.'
What's going on with Raph's orange hair? It's a crappy dye job. Chanelle: 'People don't say it to my face, they lick my arse, but carry on, cos it tastes good, honey.'
Chanelle is doing an inspiring speech. Quite heartwarming really, if a bit sarcastic, haha. Chanelle is pure actressing but at least she's doing something, which is more than 80% of people in there. Lotan calling her fake! Bit rich.
Hannh is having a go at Kieran for not comforting her when she was nominated. Tom coming over and basically intimidating her.
Hannah trying to talk to Lotan and him being so rude to her. Hannah calling Tom 'nosy' and 'extra small.' Ha. See how angry Tom got about it. 'Watch me ruin this joint!' Intimidating. Joe: 'You could have done your hand' as Tom slams his bottle down.
Hannah calling Tom a 'nobody', ha. Him bitching in the DR like a poundland Slim Shady after his latest court battle. Sit down, extra small.
How did Ellie end up in the cool clique? I use those words loosely, but I pronounce them correctly.
Raoh shit stirring that Lotan said 'The nominated people are kicking off, dududududur.' Also threw Ellie's name out there!
Lotan to Hannah: 'Do you mind moving, sweetheart, while I talk to Chanelle?' No problem, darling. The way the guys talk to Hannah is disgusting. It is like she's a second rate citizen in that house. Why could that be... hmm?
Lotan: 'The intellect, or lack of, in this house is killing me.' The irony of him saying those words is almost poetic. Who was he saying 'your voice goes through me' to? I think it was Chanelle.
Tom's upset about being called a nobody. They're all meant to be nobodies.
Hannah: 'Are you somebody? Amazing. Have a good day.' Hannah has stepped up her game.
Raph is being his usual twitchy/ noddy self in the DR, narrating what's going on in the 'season.' He's like an Aldi Dan Gheesling.
Chanelle just broke an egg on the floor for no apparent reason. Rebecca: 'NAH!'
I liked Ellie's 'are you yolking?'
Lotan on Hannah to Tom: 'She hanging herself. Let's ghost her.' Er, racist undertones much! Tom: 'Let's ghost it.' Ah, the people's choice. Aren't we clever. 'Idiot general public' has never been truer.
Chanelle wants to make people's life miserable in case she's going to go. Ha! She's gonna put their clothes in the hot tub and drop some more eggs about. Why not? It's not like there's any intellectuals in the house except Lotan, right, LOL.
Chanelle: 'With Hannah's loudness and my pettiness, the housemates are going to want to walk out when we've finished with them.' Hope so!
Egg gate continues! I love the low level petty warfare of the egg smashing. Chanelle is coming into her own tonight.
Tom threatening to throw food everywhere in retaliation for egg gate in an aggressive manner. He does everything aggressively, he's like a staffy that's been tasered. But no one calls him aggressive.
Joe, Tom and Lotan all with their tops off is making me reconsider my sexuality.
Lotan is conducting an enquiry into egg gate. 'No one man nor a million people' can sway Lotan's opinion. Maybe he can be the new Martin Luther King now Sukvinder's gone.
Rebecca is annoyed that Joe has fingered her for egg gate and said he's a 'nasty old man.' She's a nasty old-looking bitch.
Rebecca is mental, yet not entertaining. Quite a skill there.
Chanelle: 'I've got better things to do than dicuss fucking eggs.' Apparently, I haven't.
Ooh, it's still vote to save! Save Hannah (she proved her worth annoying the other side tonight) and Chanelle.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I gnome it's over

So they bump the time slot of Big Brother tonight to 10.30pm so they can show a documentary so depressing no one would voluntarily watch it (I didn't watch, but I know the story and couldn't bear to hear the details again). This is not a good sign for Big Brother, if they care so little they stick it on at bedtime, and shunt the evictions to Thursday for two weeks. Not good.
The 'coming up' for the show looks shit. I hate everyone.
Ellie was 'sick in her sleep.' Um, that's quite dangerous. Ellie basically admits she's a bunny boiler. Ellie 'plus alcohol equals danger'. No it equals a boring TV show.
Joe telling Ellie to sip her drinks, ha.
Lotan is giving Ellie a lecture about fancying him. They have already shown about four more minutes of this conversation than I care about. Lotan's haircut looks like it was done as part of Helen Wood's (drop out) beauty school.
Charlotte and Raph don't like big dicks cos those people are bad in bed. That can definitely be true.
Lotan: 'In here I'm not the dreamboy, I'm just me.' Stop taking your shirt off, then.
Ellie has a nice bum, shame about her IQ.
Chanelle and Kieran are on a secret task. I couldn't quite follow all the rules, but the housemates think one thing and Kieran and Chanelle think another. And there's gnomes.
Kieran has a manbun today. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more of a knob.
Maybe this task is good if I followed the instructions? Everyone seems to be a fan on Twitter. I can't get into it.
What's Lotan mad about? Is he creating a diversion? I can't work it out. I think it's a fake row with Tom. It's like something off Hollyoaks. Rebecca needs to tighten her bra straps.
But the real task is... etc. You know the drill.
Lotan: 'Chico used to be a dreamboy.' Mint banter. 'He used to have long hair and a massive dick.' OK then. They should get Chico on CBB, I actually like him.
I like Chanelle's strategy of 'you don't shave and wear granny knickers when you go on a date so you don't do anything but then you end up having whore sex with a hairy vagina and granny knickers.' Lol. Hannah's face was a picture.
Yay, the housemates are going to get shitfaced again! Drink responsibly, housemates.
Joe in the DR: 'Rebecca's not my cup of tea.' They're going to show him saying that at some point.
The other hms calling Joe 'a flip flopper.' Raph: 'Kindness is not a weakness.' But what about your VT, Raph! Haha.
The sisters are strategising with Raph. Raph has caught the sun.
The housemates are playing truth or dare. Kieran is doing a lapdance for Joe. Anti sexy. I like the fact one of the sister's wigs is just sat on the edge of the sofa like a cat.
Joe has to say 'which housemate is not being their true self.' God, Big Brother loves a shit stir. Joe said Rebecca. Why does he hate Rebecca now? Storyline! Rebecca's face. I would be scared if I was him.
Deborah: 'Joe is mean. He could have said that in a better way.' True. He enjoyed saying it nastily.
Joe is starting on Rebecca again. 'It's not that I don't like you, it's that you irritate me.' Lovely!
Joe: 'The way you talk, the way you smile, the way you act.' Ouch! Joe is definitely not 30 years older than Rebecca.
Was Kieran even there when that happened? Rebecca is moaning he didn't stick up for her.
I like the awkward silence with Joe, Kieran and Rebecca.
Ooh, Joe looming at Rebecca! 'Back away from me now!' Joe: 'Don't bring my daughter into it!' Rebecca: 'I'm somebody's daughter.' She only said 'how would you like someone speaking to your daughter like that'. She didn't say his daughter was an idiotic bint who calls everyone 'babes.' Unrelated: Joe's daughter started on me on Twitter the other day, haha.
Kieran: 'You deserve it' to Rebecca. What a nice guy. What a good friend.
Joe is sitting back chilling now. Rebecca, he didn't start on your appearance. He said your smile annoyed him. I suppose that is part of your appearance though.
Rebecca: 'I'm a thirty two year old woman.' And the rest! No fucking way am I five years older than her, she is in her early forties.
I like Chanelle's unicorn pyjamas. I liked Rebecca calling Joe 'potentially violent', ha.
Rebecca is a little nutty, no? BB calling Kieran to the DR to sort things out with his mum. The DR body language is good.
I didn't think Kieran was there when they had the first conversation! I never saw him.
Well, that was worth staying up for! I'm definitely going to be watching BBBOTS until half midnight! Er...
Have you heard the pod yet? It's a loooooooong ting. Look, Arisa Cox likes it, so if it's good enough for her, it's good enough for you!

Sunday, 18 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit

Oh Jesus. How to carry on? Just keep swimming, I guess. Think of the pod.
Kieran's 'bird is the word' thing is good, isn't it? *kills self*
Oh they don't know Kayleigh's gone yet. Only Rebecca knows the smack Kayleigh was talking in the DR. But will she be honest about it?
Chanelle: 'How can you get mad about someone perceiving you in a certain way when that's how you act?' Good point. Chanelle said Ellie and Rebecca like Kayleigh. Why?!
Tom and Ellie are baking a cake for Raph and singing an annoying song. It's no 'cooking an egg', is it.
Chanelle saying Kayleigh came up 'against a queen' ie her. 'I'm sure she'll be fine with her big fanbase.' Ha.
Rebecca has a maid? Chanelle: 'I'd rather not have that and not be a mard arse whiny princess.' I think I'd rather have the maid.
No one looked that bothered when they found out Kayleigh left. Charlotte and Rebecca are victim blaming. 'When you're angry you say things you don't mean.' What, like you're going to stab someone with a sharp object? They don't actually know the real reason Kayleigh went. Oh hold on, Rebecca does. She just chose to ignore it.
Chanelle: 'She's deffo going to unfollow me.' How were they already following each other?!
Tom and Hannah are making up.. ish. I like Hannah's plaits.
Rebecca still trying to work out why Kayleigh left. Unbelievable. 'It's just an absolute, massive shame.' No it isn't.
Raph going to Lotan: 'Chanelle never threatened Kayleigh.' Go Raph! Kayleigh got evicted, Kayleigh was the one who took it too far, so wind your fucking neck in Lotan, you dumb twat.
Lotan sees himself as the house peacemaker when actually he's the house douchebag.
Big Brother wants to throw Raph a party but he has to do some shit first. Like singing happy birthday in four languages. Cute. Never seen Raph happier than in the DR on his own. Big Brother has finally sussed he's our fave and is giving him some airtime!
Cool, Big Brother giving Raph a quiz about Big Brother! Amazing. OMG the way Raph said the words 'Helen Wood'. What a legend. I love Raph! How knows dates things happened! I don't know those sorts of details. Finally he had to custard pie himself in the face. He is the cutest. Feels like Big Brother actually got a clue with that bit. It felt old skool.
Aw, Raph's got a cake with his face on. I'm glad they did something nice for him.
I wonder what music they're really dancing to at Raph's silent disco? Something shit, no doubt.
Raph looks kinda hot in the bath, just got to put that out there.
The other housemates are so crap. People say they like Charlotte but I don't. Fucking pointless. Anti-tainment.
Chanelle: 'I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit.' I actually found that pretty funny.
Raph and Chanelle are buzzing in the DR! They have the cutest friendship. I'm sure Kayleigh leaving was a cherry on the cake. Bed buddies! Aw.
Raph: 'We both want to make the most of this experience have have a good time.'
Haha, Big Brother is obviously annoyed they're enjoying themselves so it shitstirs about nomination rule breaks. Ellie and Tom got sent to jail. You shouldn't be allowed to drink in jail. Oh yeah, the jail is the bus stop. I never even realised before, ha.
Even the grumpy sisters are having a laugh in the DR now! What's going on!?
Lotan threw water on Rebecca and said 'can't tell me you didn't get a bitch wet.' Charmed, I'm sure.
Chanelle has a long tongue. She's very coarse, but there's still something sweet about her underneath.
Ellie and Tom seem like genuine friends, even though I can't stand either of them.
Lotan is so irrelevant. I wish they'd stop showing him.
Deborah: 'Rebecca's written a book and I don't even know what the book's called.' I doubt very much if she wrote her own book.
Raph doesn't like Lotan calling women bitches. Yes, Raph!
They are now discussing who should pay on a first date. How long before this ends in a row?
Lotan's never been on a date he's just 'always ended up with people.' Uh huh. Slag.
Chanelle fancies Jeremy Kyle! 'Put something on the end of it.'
Ellie is drunk and touching Lotan up.
Lotan is carping to Tom about Ellie touching him up. Just tell her to stop it.
Joe is giving Ellie a pep talk. Ellie is crying because she's shitfaced. OK, enough with this storyline now. We get it. We don't care.
Tonight felt more like Big Brother than normal. If Rebecca, Kieran, Lotan and Ellie weren't in there with their shitty fake showmances, I could just about stomach it but the last 15 minutes let us down. When is the new blood coming?

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I'm not going to come here and beg friends

I can't believe we lost Sukhvinder AND Imran. I'm not guilty, I voted to save Imran as I knew he was vulnerable. I still think it was kind of cool the way Sukhvinder went out with him. Not for us as viewers, obviously. If you want to hear more about that, check out last night's epic podcast.
And apparently Kayleigh goes tonight for threats of violence. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. New housemates needed, stat.
Ooh it's a good warning, violent confrontation, woo.
Oh my God, not more VIPs. Has anyone ever been less welcome in the house? I hate visitors at the best of times, let alone those three.
Sorry I forgot to blog for 15 minutes cos it was so boring.
Ooh Raph said he wanted Kayleigh to go. Happy birthday, Raph, here's our gift to you!
Marnie: 'I think Imran will go.' Well, you've been watching outside so I guess you'd know? Jesus.
Marnie: 'I think Rebecca is holding you back' to Kieran. Yes, from your clutches.
Something is going on with a pinata and Marnie knew we were in Europe, so that's something.
Tom just said he was voting for Deborah next week. Noms talk! Take his nom off him.
Imran threw a water balloon at Nicola and made her mad. Nicola, hardly any of it went on you. Lotan got Kayleigh with a water balloon and she threw one at him quite aggressively. Raph looks nervous. She's demented. Lotan to Kayleigh: 'I understand, you're mad.' That sentence works without a comma, too.
Sukvinder looked resigned when Imran's name got called. He didn't try and convince her to stay. I knew she would go straight away. BB obviously don't care or they wouldn't have opened the door.
Raph crying straight away, aw. Raph is so genuine.
Lotan: 'I'm glad they went together.' I bet you are! Less competition.
So Lotan, Kieran and Raph got immunity. At least Raph got it, that will save me a couple of quid next week. Fuck Lotan and Keiran. Still, at least it wasn't a pass to the final, right?
The sisters are saying they won't leave together. Deborah: 'I need you to represent if I go.' Good. Hannah scrubs up well.
Ellie is worried about voting next time as she likes everyone. That won't last.
Tom's masterful code that 'H' is going to vote for him.
Kayleigh bragging about her 'pre-existing fanbase.' You shouldn't have a fanbase if you're on normal BB, even if her fanbase is only 3 people.
Aw, Hannah is upset about Imran and Sukhvinder going 'even though Imran was a corrupt deputy' lol.
I love Raph slagging off Kayleigh to Deborah! Bring it. 'They're fake, they're talking about you behind your back. The clique is here for longer.'
I didn't know Deborah had a daughter! Raph crying cuddling her. Bless.
Deborah isn't going to 'come here and beg friends. My background is as a minority.' Minority report! Raph is also in minority gang.
Raph: 'Thank god for you, Chanelle and fucking Hannah.' Ha.
Chanelle singing happy birthday to Raph, ha. Royalties!
Chanelle is telling Ellie to make more of an effort with others (ie. get out of Lotan's butt).
Lotan: 'Who's she shadowing?' Who do you think! Ooh then Chanelle said Ellie follows Kayleigh round.
Chanelle: 'Don't start with me!' Kim Woodburn vibes. Trashy people off other shows having trashy fights. Kayleigh: 'Get her the fuck out of here, bruv before I smash her face in.' It's not that bad. It's no pow pow pow.
Chanelle also came at Kayleigh quite aggressively with the chair going back.
All the boys scurrying in, lol.
Kayleigh going to her stock phrases: 'cunt'.
Chanelle didn't throw a drink at you, Kayleigh. She just threw it across the room. Raph: 'You know she's a mean girl.' Ha. I love Raph and Chanelle's friendship.
Kayleigh then beating the crap out of the DR. Saying Chanelle is not 'emotionally stable.'
Kayleigh: 'I will go to prison, I am going to hurt her ten times harder than she'll hurt me, I will pick up any object.. she's six times the size of me. Fat cunt. I will grab a sharp object and smack her with it.'
David Gest suite for Kayleigh. Hopefully she'll be dead in three months (yes I went there).
The others are discussing the situation. Hannah is rowing with Tom now. Tom out next for aggressive behaviour, no doubt.
Chanelle is not happy that Rebecca is going to sleep in the spare room with Rebecca. It's not Rebecca's fault.
Lotan still going on about 'shadow' gate.
Raph and Chanelle sleep together, aw. Too cute.
Chanelle is now on a final warning! Knocking a drink off a table isn't violence, but it is threatening/ intimidating.
Chanelle: 'Has she been told off for saying she'll smash my face in?' Just about to be!
Big Brother reading back Kayleigh's insane words to her. 'I wanted to smash a chair across her face.'
And the rest.
Shades of Daley in Kayleigh's hoodie. Aggressive? BYE KAYLEIGH.
Ex on the beach adverts straight after Big Brother? God help us for the new housemates.

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Did Martin Luther King give up?'

Seeing Gemma Collins ringing a bell does not make a good start to Big Brother for me. She looks even bigger than last time she was on Big Brother, and I'm not body shaming, I'm just stating a fact cos she's always going on about how much weight she's lost in the shitty magazines I read.
Imran is 'here to provide service with a smile.'
Deborah is appreciating people who sleep on the streets. 'I humbled myself.' Knocking her game up a gear, there.
Lotan 'doesn't see Ellie like that.' I don't care.
Chanelle, despite her surgery etc, feels more like an old skool Big Brother contestant to me. She's comforting in a way. That's how desperate things are. Chanelle is in my top four.
Kayleigh is talking to the GC about her beef with the bedwetter. I DON'T CARE. Marnie is scum. Crosby is scum. Kayleigh is scum. GC is scum. I could go on.
Ugh it's so annoying that Raph and Imran have to wait on these freaks.
Lotan is GRIM. Filth and not in a good way, just a vain, boring dimwit.
Shit, Tom talks just like Glyn 'I'm cooking an egg for the very first time'. I thought I was watching REAL Big Brother then. Mind you, he was a gorm as well.
Sukvinder is crying again. Why? Have the editors gone on strike as well as the viewers? 'Why are we always fighting?' Good question.
Oh they're moaning cos Sukvinder slept in the wrong bed. IDGAF.
OMG at Imran's pep talk! 'Did Martin Luther King give up? Did Malcolm Z give up? Did Nelson Mandela give up? No they fought. Mandela waited in prison for 25 years.'
I just switched off for about ten minutes (mentally, not literally) cos I was getting trolled by Joe supporters on Twitter (they exist!) and Gemma Collins was speaking. Now Kayleigh and Sukhvinder are arguing. Kayleigh: 'You're an absolute cunt.' I bet no one ever spoke to Malcolm X like that.
Marnie talking about Lewis shagging someone else. I DON'T CARE.
Gemma, his name is LOTAN not LEIGHTON. Dumb twat. I'm not blogging anything she says because she's irrelevant. Lotan is having to MASSAGE HER FEET. I would vomit.
PARTY. Ellie loves 'cocktail sausages' (insert Lotan joke here). I feel sorry for Raph for more reason than one, but it's so crap being the only gay in the Big Brother village as well.
Lotan, no one CARES about your ex girlfriend. Lotan: 'If there was a girl in here and I was over her, I could fall in love.' Ellie looks mournful.
Lotan made a video for his girlfriend before he went in there. What a knob. Is he gaming here? I think he's too stupid to be gaming but I think it's also gaming.
I also think he's mean to call Marnie beautiful in front of Ellie when he knows how she feels. As if he's got a chance with Marnie, and Marnie is rotten. That's how low down the food chain Lotan is.
Kieran counselling Lotan is the dumb leading the dumb.
Lotan is draaaaaaaiiiiined. Me too.
Something is happening with Sukhvinder swapping 'staff' but I forgot to care. This is going to make a great podcast. I'm sure it will be a really positive experience!
Sukhvinder chose Imran to be the new Deputy. Fix. I like it when Imran gives Kayleigh backchat.
Ellie's annoyed cos Lotan is mooning over Marnie. I don't blame her, really. But I also don't care.
Marnie is basically saying she wants to shag someone in the DR. Wasn't Lotan's willy insured for 12 million not 86 million?
Lotan  is mansplaining to Ellie about how she should feel about a situation as she sits there bawling. Great TV.
The problem with this programme is we've never got to know the people, and most of the time, there's nothing to know. All we see are manufactured storylines.
Sukvinder and Imran calling Kayleigh a 'fucking ho'! OMG. 'She must have got it rough growing up.' Ouch! They went very 'street' for a second there. I can't really blame them for letting loose though! I'd be calling everyone every name under the sun in there.
All the time GC talks, I'm just looking at that rug, thinking how much I'd like it. Lotan would be great in bed? I guarantee you, he wouldn't.
This blog was sponsored by the phrase 'I don't care'.
Anyway, see you for the podcast tomorrow. Send reinforcements, we're gonna need 'em.

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: The race of spades

Yes I did write a blog about Arthur's actual leaving (although... um... not much to say about that, thanks Big Brother) but Blogger ate it and yes, I did press the back button. And the rest. So yesterday I went on strike in protest. I'm sure but BBUK and Blogger were seriously concered. Actually BBUK probably was as the ratings are on the slide and then some. It's weird cos BB is always crap, always full of fame whores, always with the outside contact, never with the live feed, but people seem to actually care this year. And people LIKE Love Island. Not anyone I've ever met, but there you go. Probably young people. So why doesn't BB cater to it's audience of 30 plusses? Now THAT is the million dollar question.
God the house is depressing now. Raph is lovely (too lovely for that mess) but he's not exactly entertaining. Charlotte does nothing. Imran and Sukhvinder: truly a social experiment for their marriage (just don't put a bread bag over her head). The rest can go die. Joe, Kayleigh and Tom are actual SCUM. The others are just pond life, bobbing about.
I didn't see spitgate (couldn't find the energy to rewind it) but the way Kieran called Chanelle a 'cunt' was really mean. ROTTEN PEOPLE. I may say 'cunt' but I say it with a smile on my face (90% of the time).
Charlotte looks like she's sleeping with some Victorian-era teddy bears.
What's this task? Charlotte and Raph are housekeepers? Kayleigh in charge? God help us. Chanelle and Lotan are running the beauty parlour, which is ironic, as they're both beasts.
I thought it was funny when Chanelle said 'no English.' She does say the odd funny thing, but it's once a week.
OK, so they've put Marnie, Gemma Collins and Nicola McCuntrag in for a task. Why no Kim Woodburn? Why these three mutts? (No offence). Kayleigh looks ruff today. Her personality is poisoning her face.
Gemma Collins loves Joe. Case closed. Ugh are these people actually staying over? Why?
Kayleigh is shitting herself because Marnie is best mates with Charlotte Crosby 'who she's not allowed to go anywhere near.' Restraining order? Understandable.
Marnie: 'I was with your mum on BOTS' to Charlotte. Charlotte sobs. Sukvinder: 'At least she's still alive.' I'm sure they would have told Charlotte if her ma had died. Probably via a tweet.
The way Kieran talks about Rebecca is disgusting. Ugh, Rebecca asking how their relationship is viewed. CUT THAT BIT OUT FFS. At least let's pretend we care about the integrity of the game for ONE SECOND YOU THICK FUCKS. God, who am I kidding? They probably give them the betting odds while they're at it.
Gemma is bonding with Joe. Drop the bomb.
Rebecca: 'This fucking house is a pile of shit and I don't want to be here.' Fuck off then. She is obsessed with Kieran. 'A couple of million people watching.' Not unless it's time warp week. Not unless the Odessey is bending space and time again, and we know it's in the garage. Rebecca: 'I just miss my friend.' As the song goes, 'With friends like these, who needs enemies?' Kieran treats her like a piece of shit.
I love how Imran is proud of Sukhvinder being bossy.
Kayleigh: 'Deborah's always got a face like a slapped arse.' Well, she's got a point, but so does nearly everyone in there, cos it's fucking awful and depressing as shit.
'The VIP guests' lol. Only if VIP stands for 'Very idiotic pricks.' (I know, it's poor, but why use my brain power thinking of something different? The producers can't be bothered to give us good housemates).
Imran is going mad about Ellie and Chanelle eating. I don't know why.
Imran is being a kitchen Nazi. I hate people who go on about how long it takes them to cook. I didn't ask you to. Get over it. Who cooks for THREE HOURS. No meal takes longer than about 10 minutes to eat. My favourite dinner takes 12 mins - chicken and chips, since you ask.
Lotan is shouting at Hannah. I'm not sure why. Oh cos he said 'say my name'. I missed most of what they were arguing about. I also don't care because I hate all of them.
Hannah is upset cos 'as a black girl they try and get the worst out of you.' I'm not sure it IS a race thing, but I wouldn't be surprised if t was. If she feels like it is, I'll take her word for it. She's black, I'm not, she's in there all day long and she knows what subtle racism looks like. I'm sure if people were being racist, they'd cut it out these days. Fuck everyone on Twitter going 'race card'. If you're white, what the fuck do you know about it? Unless you can can understand nuance and put yourself into someone else's shoes. Everyone on Twitter just seems boneheaded when it comes to race. Other people's lived experience is different to yours! Check your privilege. I had to look up how to SPELL privelege, that's how out of touch with mine I am.
Kieran: 'I don't understand what's going on.' Me either. And I don't care either. I like the fact Deborah started on Rebecca for no reason, ha. Fuck Rebecca.
Hannah is right, black women do get labelled aggressive for no reason. Look at the way Kayleigh goes on and no one calls her aggressive cos her skin is lighter (I'm still not sure if she's white or not but you get the point). Hannah: 'If you walked in my shoes every day and 10 million people tell you you're aggressive all the time, I take that personally.' That was actually quite moving.
I don't like the way Sukhvinder just spoke to Raph. Can't Raph catch a break?
Kayleigh and Sukhvinder just had a row. I don't even know what it was about, but it ended with Sukhvinder saying, 'Don't call me Sukh, I never said you could'  to Chanelle, haha. Sukhvinder does like to revisit old arguments. Hope the flat earth comes up again soon.
Kayleigh: 'My fucking boyfriend has Charlotte Crosby tattooed on his fucking leg.' Her old face, new face, or a portrait of her wetting the bed? Who's her boyfriend? No wonder Kayleigh so angry. Imagine having to look at that every day. I'd demand an amputation.
Kieran is comforting Rebecca telling her how she is and isn't being portrayed. How would he know.
I really wish I'd lost this blog and not my one from two days ago.
What's the point of the 'VIPs' even being in there. What is the point in LIFE!
Kayleigh bitching on the stairs about Marnie's 'disgusting behaviour' at a charity event. I wonder what she did? Probably shit herself. Kayleigh acting all demure like Princess Diana. Pull the other one.
Lotan's long nipples are freaking me out. At least Tom has hardly been in this episode. I feel how Sukhvinder is acting. That was the WORST EPISODE. Argh. These are dark days. DARK DAYS.
Guys, we're in trouble. If there's no one to root for, and it's not even enjoyable anymore, where do we go from here? Answers on a postcard please.
PS: Thanks if you've left a comment. It's just a bitch to log into Blogger and reply cos Blogger is a wanker.
PPS: Catch the podcast while you can, this could be its swansong!

Sunday, 11 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Another one bites the dust

So Arthur left the house today so tonight is probably the last entertaining evening of this year's BBUK. Whhhhhhhhhyyyyy!
Why is everyone always having a go at Arthur? Annoying.
Arthur is 'expecting full on apologies today.' Good luck with that.
God, I can't stand alomost everyone in the house. This is not good. Really hard to be enthusiastic about the programme when I don't care about anyone in there. Yuck.
Sukhi is apologising to Imran. Well, that's something. 'Thank you for understanding me.' 'I love you so much.' Aw.
All anyone is talking about is Arthur. The store room row continues. Arthur to Tom: 'I think you're being a fucking cunt.'
Tom is an aggressive twat smashing stuff in the kitchen like that. I wouldn't live with someone like that. I couldn't. Tom is an oik. He should have got a warning.
Imran is talking to Arthur as if he's a little boy. I love it.
Arthur tidying up: 'This is my pennace before the crimes I'm about to commit.' Haaaa.
Ooh, Imran is holding a house meeting. I'm sure this will go well.
Arthur walked in with a bowl of dust! I don't think Lotan wants any. Lotan threw the bowl across the room! The way they talk to Arthur is disgusting. Arthur is being a provocative little shit, but 15 against 1 doesnt look cool.
The boring women are talking about shaving their vaginas. Female casting on Big Brother kills me.
Joe is talking to Arthur about his behaviour. I've been seeing tweets saying Arthur might be on the autistic spectrum. I don't know about that, but he is socially awkward. Joe looming over him going 'have a little bit of respect.' Then Tom comes looming over.
Joe intimidating Arthur again cos Arthur called him 'a dickhead'. Well, if the cap fits.
They have asked Tom to come to the dur-brain suite (sorry, the intelligence centre). The housemates are watching him answer pointless questions. Dull AF.
Imran and Sukhi 'being on TV intensifies the relationship.'
Chanelle is talking about sticking a finger up men's bum. Lotan is discussing his anal sex technique. Chanelle has no shame.
Lol, Big Brother have locked the storeroom with the food in it. Arthur wants a carrot. Who cares that much about a carrot? Oh he's giving up smoking. No wonder he's being such a cunt.
I don't think the others get that doing tit for tat when it's 15 against 1 isn't cool.
At least Big Brother stepped in when they started hiding his bedding.
Big Brother is being very stern with Arthur. They weren't that stern when Tom was throwing things.
Aw, Big Brother is getting Raph to be the mediator, that's too cute. Raph trying to explain common sense to Arthur, ha. 'You need to show them respect to get respect back. If they have negative qualities, they will show on their own.' So true.
Arthur: 'Can I have a carrot, Big Brother?' Ha.
I feel so defeated that Arthur is gone. I hate all the others (except Raph and I'm interested in Imran and Sukhvinder's dynamic).
The online chat was fake! Sorry, I forgot to care.
Imran and Sukvinder not getting up when the booze is delivered, haha.
Tom's jeans are absolutely gross. He is everything I despise in a human.
Joe: 'In my world being called a dickhead doesn't exist.' Wait until you get on Twitter.
I love watching housemates dance. It's one of the true pleasures in life.
Ellie pretending she can't pronounce 'paramedics'. She doesn't want to finish her food because she wants Lotan to eat some of it. Jesus. She might as well have 'doormat' tattooed on her head.
OMG Lotan just sexually assaulted Rebecca and she didn't seem keen. Don't touch people uninvited, you dick.
Kayleigh starting on Arthur for laughing at something. She is a fucking skank. The language that comes out of her mouth is just gross. She's actually rotten on the inside.
I liked Arthur saying 'see you next Tuesday' to her, ha.
Lotan is now demanding an apology off Arthur. Wasn't Arthur after apologies today?
Lotan's 'moral compass is in a spin'. Is Kayleigh going to apologise for being a gutter rat?
I can't even look at Kayleigh anymore. 'This aint a fucking game'. Yes it is. And it looks like you won.
The producers are dumb twats for letting Arthur go and for letting the others carry on like that, and my podcast just got 80% less interesting. It's like Marco Pierre White Jr leaving followed by Andrew getting kciked out for having consensual sex in the outside world all over again.
Moral compass? Big Brother's one is FUCKED.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Whine-gate

Evening all. A warning of marital confrontations! Who's that a warning for exactly? Kids from broken homes?
Ooh the girls going 'if Sukhi goes, Imran will come out of his shell.' They will prise him out by the sound of it. Yes, I'm calling her Sukhi now cos they are and it's shorter.
Sukhi is in a bad mood EVERY DAY. I mean, I can relate.
Raph to Chanelle: 'I think you have a rocking body.' What about those boobs?! Chanelle is having a wee in the hot tub as the loo is 'too far.' Haha, the hot tub is now out of bounds. Alex Sibley must be turning in his grave.
Keiran is talking again *glazes over*.
The others are laughing at Arthur cos he only has money on an Oyster card, not in a bank account. Well, that's more than some people have got. How much is on his Oyster?
Is it just sex between Keiran and Rebecca? Um, let me think for two seconds. Keiran, you wouldn't even be in the house if it wasn't for Rebecca so maybe treat her with a bit more respect (even though she's a twat)?
It's a good sign when the eviction starts in the second quarter. Must be loads of rows coming up, ha.
Shout out for Arthur's jacket, the most 'dad' item of clothing I've seen in the house since Spencer Pratt's teacher fleece collection.
OMG Tom going 'alright, fuck off' to Mandy. Very rude. I don't like Mandy, but you just voted her out, shut your trap, she doesn't owe you anything.
Tom 'I'm the better person cos I went to go and give her a hug.' Then told her to fuck off.
Raph is actressing in the kitchen.
Arthur needs to piss and Big Brother won't 'shut the cunt door.' He's very red in the face. He's even taken his jacket off.
At least Lotan is trying to calm Arthur down. That's the nicest thing I've ever seen him do.
Arthur to Kayleigh: 'You've been bullying me.' Joe is outside with his head in his hands.
Arthur is calling Kayleigh 'jealous girls' because he has money and they don't.
Arthur: 'I've literally given my life to women and you're not a woman.' Haha. How has be dedicated his life to women! I need more details. Kayleigh: 'You're a contradicting little cunt.' Then calling him a weirdo and a freak. Niiiiiiiiice. She is TRASH.
Kayleigh: 'He's a sociopath.' Define sociopath.
Joe is trying to make it all about him. 'I'm a father figure.' What's he crying about! Keep your hair on. Then he said 'much love'! Terry Tibbs!
Arthur was 'negging' Sukhi when he had the flat earth files blown open. I don't think he knows what negging is.
'Highly personal marital confrontations' coming up.
What's up with Arthur! He's like a posh Bear. He's Bear gone to Eton. That would make a good reality show actually.
Sukhi hid some wine. ALWAYS a boiling point in the BB house.
Tom nearly dropped a bottle of wine on Chanelle's head. Not sure it would have done much damage, but...
They're all tense so why not ship some more wine in! Nice one, Big Brother. Bottoms up!
Sukhi doesn't like Imran mediating about the wine. DO NOT tell her to calm down. She's one of life's overreactors. Like me, apparently.
I like Imran trying to cover for Sukhi being insane by going 'this is a domestic between me and my wife.
Sukhi is wearing make up in one of the indent things! Hypocrite, ha.
Arthur is citing the 'invisibility cloak.' Has he been playing Snatch? Imran has only got Arthur to hang out with now. 'Do you like Harry Potter?' Haha. Comedy.
If Sukhi hits Imran, will she get kicked out? Let's face it, it wouldn't be the other way round.
'Don't come for me' drinking game. Oh shit, you're dead.
If someone told me how to talk to my own husband in there, I would spin out. That's their relationship, mind your own business. If he wants to put up with that: let him.
Sukhi crying under the covers and moaning about Imran's 'new friends'. God, she is really unreasonable. I hope she watches this back. I wish I could find a nice guy who would let me talk to him like that, haha. No, really though, I think Imran might be in an abusive relationship?
Arthur watching it like it's a TV show. I thought Raph was going to get up and go but he didn't.
OMG Sukhi going 'he's just the same on the outside.' That's harsh. Then Arthur comforting her! After FLAT EARTH gate. That's gotta hurt.
I like the kind of al fresco dining area so it looks like a greasy spoon.
Imagine how nervous you'd feel if you were in that house with a couple kicking off like that! I'd be terrified. I come from an experience of domestic violence, I don't want to be around that crap.
I'm not sure what this argument about food is about. It seems boring compared to the rest of it.
Rebecca to Arthur: 'The food was happy in the cupboards.' Because it wasn't being eaten.
I can't believe I thought Kayleigh was attractive. She's disgusting. 
Arthur is sat with his head in his hands. I think I feel a bit like that after this episode. Everyone is going, 'best episode ever'. No humour and all shouting and a marriage breaking down? Not for me! I need a Nurofen.

Friday, 9 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Mate, the world's round

So why bother voting when the people's prick Tom gets to decide who goes out of the bottom two? And why is it all the best people are on the block. If Raph or Arthur go, I riot. I'm a one woman riot right now.
What shape are Emma's earrings? Oblangle? Looks like she's about to go parachuting, too.
Who cares if girls at the gym wear make up! Stop subjagating make up wearers!
Arthur wants to have a wank to 'get that energy out.' Arthur and Lotan have a wank plan. Is it to toss each other off? Kayleigh told him to do it in the pool. Um!
Rebecca is upset she can't wear make up, even though she's still wearing mascara. Boo hoo.
Arthur and Rebecca in the bath together talking about Keiran. Arthur: 'You said you've just given him a blowjob.'
Arthur: 'What is it that ticks your boxes?' Arthur is a character.
Rebecca: 'Keiran needs another 15 years of mucking about.' Arthur: 'By that time you'll literally be dead.' Lol.
You can't win with this task. You have to argue for or against so it's not like your true opinion.
Sukhvinder: 'Climate change is made up. People think the earth is a globe.'
Flashback: Imran: 'The world is flat and there's an outside world that's full of ice.' Oh my god. Do people actually think like this? Oh. my. god.
One in, one out policy for immigration. Like four in, four out on Big Brother in the glittery toilet roll of doom.
Why is Joe being so rude when Rebecca is talking? I agree you shouldn't have kids if you can't afford them, but it's unenforcable so we just have to suck it up. We can't exactly just let babies starve to death (unless we're Teresa May).
Tom thinks we needs a 'vote off' about Brexit. Can we have a vote off about him?
Chanelle comparing Brexit to taking a handbag back. Show your receipts!
Chanelle: 'Oxo layer.' Save it for the 'fake Jade Goody of the week' section of the podcast. Seems like she's making some good points to me!
Why is Joe so grumpy about talking about politics?!
Why does everyone look like they're in their undies? Charlotte... Sukvinder.
Arthur: 'The real question is why do you think the world is flat. The world is round cos I met a bloke who sailed round the world.' Is that your only proof? Hahaha.
Arthur: 'Mate the world's round.'
Sukhvinder: 'I don't want to talk about the flat earth!'
Arthur: 'No cos it's fucking bonkers, love.'
Sukhvinder: 'I don't hang around with fucking morons.' (Ironic)
Arthur: 'Well don't walk too far that way love, or you'll fall of the fucking edge.' Just the best line. You couldn't scriptwrite it.
It's not threatening behaviour challenge ignorant views, Imran. They were soooo touchy about it! Sukvinder goes: 'I'm a big personality and Imran's... um... got a character of his own.' Lol. Talk about crackpot. I didn't even think people had views like that. Absolutely mental.
Why did Arthur start on one of the sisters then? Ha. 
The house voted Labour. Shame they weren't outside voting.
What is the point in telling the housemates the results of the election. Like these fuckwits understand anything. They think the EARTH IS FLAT.
Deborah is taking on Arthur by sitting in between Tom and Arthur. Not exactly pressing the nuclear button is it. He thinks it's a 2D coversation like the flat earth.
Arthur reiterating that Deborah is a rubbish housemate. He rephrased it as 'you're a bad housemate' as they didn't like the world 'rubbish'. The Sun put Jeremy Corbyn in a bin on the front cover this week, so get some perspective. Like that on the Earth.
Arthur: 'What do you want to do, sit and have some backward conversation about politics?'
Hannah saying Arthur's irrelevant and chanting 'who are you' at Arthur is like Jackie trying to take on Ika Wong.
Arthur getting a frosty reception from 'the Earth is flat' brigade in the kitchen. I love Arthur's facial expressions.
Deborah: 'Arthur's really rude.' True, he's mute as fuck.
Why is Emma being so cunty about Arthur! Stop that.
Arthur to Deborah: I would quite like your sister to go.' OMG. He's shameless! It looked like he was going to say sorry, haha.
Mandy is so gross leering over Keiran and 'Leighton'. Mummy sandwich. I'm allergic to wheat since Teresa May ran through those fields.
Imran is rulebooking about Arthur drawing a dick on the wall in nail varnish. Yes, I did just write that sentence. Imran: 'Why are you writing on the wall?' Arthur: 'We're just another brick in it.' OMG. He's a BB legend.
Rebecca and Keiran are desperately trying to cobble a storyline together. Keiran: 'Don't play mindgames with me love.'
Arthur: 'What's the first rule of Arthur's house... don't have a go at Arthur... be yourself and fight fire with fire.'
Tom: 'I'd love to know what your thoughts are about me.' She can't stand you. Charlotte: 'You don't offend me or anything.' He thinks her mum is standing in the way of them getting it on. Can't see it happening. If he evicts her mum, her daughter isn't going to run into your arms, Tom. Charlotte: 'I'm far filthier than her.' I doubt it.
Lotan is teaching Arthur to striptease. Don't.
The crowd cheering seems very quiet.
Imran and Mandy are the only two not safe. So Tom has to piss off either Charlotte or Sukhvinder.
He has to tell Imran why he thinks he's not been saved, that's a bit mean. OMG he's gonna evict the mum.
Ha, Imran has to say why Tom should evict Mandy. not why he should save you.
Mandy: 'You need a rich mix in this house.' That would mean Imran then!
Mandy is such a sore loser. I'm SO glad she went over Imran. The people's housemate finally got it right! Took him all week, the thick fuck.
May saying Tom has a 'gameplan' and talking about about 'throwing people under the bus.' Tom is not smart enough to have a gameplan.
Emma: 'Why did he evict you tonight?' Cos he wants to fuck her daughter. 
Mandy saying Tom sees Charlotte as a challenge. Tom would sleep with anyone who would say yes I think.
Mandy, all you did was be creepy, entitled and a bitch. BYE.
Podcast incoming later if you can stay up til about 3am! Hopefully I can.

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Intelligence centre malfunction

Hiya! So I heard rumours there was an eviction tonight but as lines not even open, I'm filing that under FAKE NEWS. Jesus, who are we going to lose tomorrow. It's going to be one of only one person I like, isn't it?
Actually I do like more than one person, but barely. Looks like Sukhvinder is earning her stipend tonight. Yes! Give us the rows and the entertainment.
Please stop showing Ellie fawning over this thick twat Lotan. I can't bear how down on herself she is, it's depressing, plus it's soulless. Did she just say she wouldn't mind being his bum chum? I'm not rewinding it to find out.
Arthur flashing his bits in the shower in front of the WHOLE house, exhibitionist or what! Mind you, he is on Big Brother. I think Joe and Lotan are threatened. Arthur must have a big one. Ah, he has got a big one! That's why he's flapping it around. I like 'I didn't know we were having sausage sandwiches this morning.'
Tom thinks Arthur is entertaining. I agree! Shame Tom isn't.
Sukhvinder is SPOILING for a fight. I love it. Calling Rebecca out on not employing women wearing make up. Well, she is employing honey trappers - they do need to look attractive I guess. Most women DO wear mean up on a night out. I'm sure Keiran wears make up, too.
Rebecca: 'Wearing make up is part insecurity, part professionalism.' For me it's wholly about sexiness or standing out.
I can kind of see both sides, it IS discrimination because men don't have to do it, but there's more important things to worry about, in my opinion, if we're going to talk about discrimination or sexism.
Kayleigh: 'What does discrimination mean?' Um, I dunno, what does 'pig ignorant' mean? Oh, it mean 'Love Island rejects.' Rebecca: 'It's like racism.' Uh oh! I don't think she meant it like that, I think she just used it as an example OF discrimination, but she didn't quite articulate that.
I don't care personally about make up or not, if people wear it or not. My friend worked in a casino and she had to wear make up and nail varnish, but it was the Playboy club, so you know, if you're working in places like that, no shit they want you to spruce up. Is it sexist? Yes. But Joe would be OK with the policy, ha.
I do like Sukhvinder starting a row for no reason. That's what I want in a housemate. She is ready to GO. Some days you just feel like that, you're just waiting for someone to look at you sideways and then you're like 'Right!!!!!'
I'm going to stop commenting on the Ellie/Lotan non-story. It bores me rigid.
Rebecca sounds drunk in the DR slagging of Sukhvinder. Where was Imran when Sukhvinder was kicking off?
Oh, she's kicking off again! Woo! I do agree brushing your hair where someone's eating is gross. Why even do it there! I hate Kayleigh, she's thick as fuck. Kayleigh: 'Have you seen the things people do in this kitchen?' Like what, I wanna know. 'Chill the fuck out, you stupid twat.' Nice.
I liked Imran giving his wife a bit of kitchen roll to dry her tears. I loved it when he said, 'We'll take that bitch out later on' and laughed. Noms talk! That's the thing with these couples being two housemates. How do you stop a married couple colluding under the covers? I said colluding, not canoodling!
Imran to Sukhvinder: 'You can stick up for yourself.' Affirmative! People are going 'oh he's henpecked' etc but he clearly adores her, so mind your business. Some guys like fiesty, mouthy women. Personally, I'd like to meet one!
What is Kayleigh wearing? She has boob laces, but they're too high for her boobs.
Kayleigh moaning cos Sukhvinder is wearing high heels and hot pants and 'what impression does that give to girls?' Er, none whatsoever. I like Sukhvinder's cardigan that looks like an old blanket. Ooh, she's talking to herself in the mirror. 'Stay me.' I think she's having an identity crisis in the house. Big Brother brain kicked in early this year.
Oh no, a task where Tom has to read off a card. We're fucked.
Something to do with Lotan, whatever. Rebecca took a punishment so Keiran didn't get one. Hold on, if the punishment was 'give up all of your make up' how was that a punishment for Keiran?
Raph has to open a box. Joe: 'You've won a ticket back to New York!' Lol.
Raph didn't open the box cos he's a true gamer. It's his dream to be in BB, not to be a ssssssnake. I wonder how much was in it!
I'm starting to think Sukhvinder is a bit mental. I kind of love it, though.
I like the sister's impressions. I missed which sister it was and I can't rewind cos I'm already behind. Don't hate me. I like both sisters so far!
I like Sukhvinder's foil jacket, looks cool. But she's still going on about the fucking make up. Stop.
Arthur has to eat brussel sprouts cos he hates them. Yeah, I'd say I hate chocolate if I went in Big Brother. Doesn't take a Raph strategy to plan that one ahead.
So now I have to watch some old shit I already saw on BBBOTS last night! Why! The intelligence centre. The outside contact machine more like. I was literally agog at how much info he got on BOTS, imagine if someone with a brain got it. You could sew up the whole game! Tom is too stupid to take instruction, but he's also too stupid to think of his own ideas, so who knows what he'll do now. It's like seeing an angry dog get spun around on a chair and working out who it will bite first.
Tom now has to save one person from citizenship. He's 'been advised' not to give it to Rebecca.
Tom is pulling out the 110% crap with Raph. He's not fit to speak to Raph, in my opinion.
Tom thinks Sukhvinder will 'be fine' on Friday. I'm not so sure.
Tom gave boring Charlotte citizenship. Does she even have a sex tape? Tom wants to see her 'become a wild child and jump in the hot tub naked.' Not gonna happen.
Oh fuck, Sukhvinder is going to go. A woman, non white and with quite a forceful opinion. 100% gone. I think I've decided... Hannah is the cool sister.
Tom exiled Imran! Uh oh. And Arthur! Oh God, this is awful. Why can't we evict Joe or Kayleigh! Urgh!
Yuck, Tom is trying to crack onto Charlotte. Grim! Get your hands off her, creep.
Imran believes in the British public. 'They always make the right decision'. They never get it wrong, do they? Helen Wood, Jim Davidson, Brexit, the Tories again tomorrow... not keeping Adjoa in longer. We can't be trusted to mark down numbers on a FUCKING BINGO CARD. He called Kayleigh a 'fame whore' and said 'she's here to show tits and arse.' True, but that's Big Brother (now).
Mandy telling Tom to BACK OFF in no uncertain terms. I hate 'coming out of shell' talk. Mandy: 'Charlotte doesn't get off on the banter... not going to bounce on chairs. She likes sarcastic, witty humour.' Good luck with that.
Mandy about Tom: 'He's not yet raised a smile out of you...she rolls her eyes.' Haha.
The only thing interesting about Charlotte and her mum is their friendship with Raph.
Ellie and Tom downing wine. I could see them getting off when they've both run out of options, ie. tomorrow.
What is this thing with Chanelle and Hannah? Are they really arguing or not? I can't work it out.
'I would never allow someone to kick me with their shoe.' Relax. 
Chanelle citing the 'on site medic' aka Dr Ottoman after having a flip flop kicked at her chest. It's not exactly the new spitgate is it?
Hannah is rulebooking. 'You don't know how it felt.' Insignificant?
OMG IT'S VOTE TO SAVE! FINALLY. We lost TOO MANY classic characters over the years with stupid vote to evict, propping up deadwood all the way to the final. WHY have they not done this years before! This gives me hope. If you listen to BB on Blast, please vote to save Raph! And don't give me none of that Trump bullshit, you know he was storylining so relax yourself. Cheers.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I'm fucking allergic to people, man

I think us viewers are 'waking up in the dingey thorn cottage' as opposed to the 'rose cottage' metaphorocally speaking.
Sukhvinder hates EVERYONE. I kind of agree with her.
Uh oh, Tom is having to read off a cue card, sorry, I mean an iPad. Ted is giving him punishments to choose from cos he's too thick to think of them himself. Ted knows how to punish us viewers though; through casting a series of dolts and duds. Thanks, Ted.
Raph and Arthur are the housemate dream team as far as I'm concerned, talking about how they're not lads. Tom coming in and demanding they bow (as part of the task) was quite poetic. What a twat. He's barely comprehensible.
I love Sukhvinder going 'I'm fucking allergic to people, man' and Imran saying 'you're doing amazing.' What a nice husband to have. Sukhvinder doesn't want to be a sheep or lose who she is. I don't think there's any danger of that. I like her honesty, I just hope she doesn't downward spiral and become too moany (I know, pot, kettle, black, right?)
Chanelle: 'I just stroll around with my feathers on... Arthur ruffles feathers.' Yours or someone else's?
Arthur to Joe: 'Do you always wear make up?' I LOVE ARTHUR! I love the way Joe made Arthur  repeat it several times. 'Do I always what? What the fuck are you fucking saying.' Terry Tibbs has gone mental. He had to resist punching Arthur. Lotan: 'He's just got dark eyelashes.' What about the guyliner! I've seen less eyeliner on John James!
Joe (huffily): 'Just because I've got nice eyes.' I liked Hannah trying to tell Arthur not to put his foot in it.
Arthur: 'You've got a good complexion.' Good backtrack. Joe seemed to agree? Joe has a good complexion like Donald Trump has a good complexion.
Ooh, I don't like the way Arthur turned on Hannah after that cos he's scared of Joe, not cool. She was trying to help you. I HATE the way he called her 'love', too. Sexist twat. I just went off Arthur in two seconds flat. I still think he's a good housemate, though.
Joe picking on Arthur telling him to 'bow quicker.' Arthur: 'Two plus two makes you.' What does that mean, exactly? Joe: 'It's a game.' I like it when people say it's a game, as if we didn't know.
Arthur is more Caroline than Ben or Harry in the posho stakes, I'm afraid. Real shades of twattery. Joe is an abysmal human, though, and an annoying housemate. I wouldn't mind if we hadn't seen it ALL BEFORE last year with Chelsea. Think outside the box, people!
Why is Hannah bothered Arthur used the word 'dickhead' though? That's MILD!

Chanelle's had a bum lift using fat from her chin. I can't finish this sentence without failing as a feminist/human so I'll just leave it there. Chanelle is giving a shopping list of her low level cosmetic procedures.
Tom forcing them all to do sit ups. He has the worst case of HOHitis since Tom Plant in BBCAN1.
The mum says 'Tom's a cutie... small but perfectly formed.' EW! He's disgusting.
Pillow fight... not as good as a food fight. Lotan looks like a fucking garden gnome. Hideous.
Fake news task. As if headlines are written about the housemates anymore! I can't be bothered to write it all down.
I'm not surprised that Rebecca wouldn't hire someone not wearing make up. Plus, she needs it. (Meow!)
The mum going on about the sex tape is GRIM. VHS. She seems so proud! 'I was 7 stone 6 and I gave a great performance.' Can't see Jackie Travers saying that. Also, the daughter didn't even seem that shocked! WEIRD. The mum is deffo gonna snog someone. I feel a lapdance coming on!
Tom looks like he's gonna glass someone. Chanelle is upset she's been labelled a cheat. So going 'waaa' is Chanelle's thing, then. Raph is a cheat. He's not helping the public vote, is he! Buck up your ideas, Raph.
OMG this sister commenting on the asian couple's relationship. 'Doesn't mean he can't be a sex warrior.' JESUS.
What's Raph pretending to cry about? Lol! Gameplanner. 'And not one tear was shed' 
Sukhvinder is not going to last long hanging onto her morals in there. Her husband is a bit henpecked, isn't he? (Sorry for the sexist terminology but weeeelll).
Arthur thinks people on benefits should take whatever they can get (like he does). 'If there's a system, play it.' I completely agree (my view is it's the systems' fault if it's exploitable) It's easy for him to say though, cos he does fuck all. Imran is trying to hard to say the right thing - or maybe he is just a really nice guy and I'm a suspicious mess. It's possible!
Tom talking about Mandy's sex tape: 'I was a size 7 and I put a good shift in.' That's not quite what she said and there's no such thing as a size 7, but hey, near enough.
The sisters seem cool if a little conservative for Big Brother so far.
Tom is going to be told by the public what to do again next. It's lucky the public is thinking for Tom cos he's thicker than brick. He not so much wrote his strategy in crayon (shout out to Keith from BBUS) but in his own shit on the back of a toilet door.
Tom cannot STAND Chanelle. I still half like her. Half!
Ellie thinks Lotan is 'so beautiful' and he's out of her league. I hate leagues. Ellie fishing for compliments from Lotan. Stop putting yourself down! You're fine, he's a twat.
Lotan: 'People assume I'm an arrogant prick.' I wonder why! Then he said 'looks don't matter.' NICE! But then 'of course you're beautiful.' Too late.
Kayleigh is stirring about Ellie and Lotan. I think Kayleigh is jealous. Charlotte looks drunk.'Would you bang her?' Charmed, I'm sure. Like mother, like daughter, I guess.
Lotan: 'I turn women crazy.' You turn my channel over. The producers actually think we care about this crap. Ugh, Ellie all over Lotan is grimbles. And she's not even allowed to sleep in there! Clinger.
What the hell is Tom wearing?! Looks like one of the net curtains.Who knew they were doing the HOH robe in lace now? 
I LOVE all the bedspreads. But I'm concerned about where the series may be going (showmances in the first week). If you're gonna force a showmance on me, make it a slow burn. Make it mean something. Otherwise, keep it.
PS: Launch night pod (still pimping!)

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'It's 210 times harder to get into Big Brother than Harvard'

Here we go again! I was asked why I watch Big Brother today when it's full of 'low lives, gays, slags, whores and scum.' I know, nice, right? I guess I feel at home in that company!
So let's find out a bit more about my new best friends.
Oh God, it's the recap part.
I like Arthur not knowing what a dreamboy is. Wow, Sukvinder and Imran have been married 22 years! That's cool. I still believe in love!
Do not be calling Sukhvinder Sukh. She is NOT keen. I like the way she says it with a smile on her face. I guess I'd better get used to spelling it right then.
Arthur seems a bit out of his depth with all the magazine dealers. Cos he just seems normal. NORMAL is the keyword isn't it. As Morrissey says, there's no such thing in life as normal.
Haha, Keiran calling Chanelle a 'handful' when she comes in. We can SEE that much!
Someone doesn't know what 'having your citizenship revoked' means. Ask Donald Trump.
Arthur getting into the pool was a bit anti-climatic. Like an old person lowering themselves into the shallow end.
I HATE this Tom guy. MORON. Who voted for him! You fuckheads.
Joe doesn't like Arthur undressing the mannequin. Who cares! Mannequin gate has zero rings to it. Who did Arthur go 'what's your problem love' to? Boo.
I would like to have seen more than one sentence of Arthur and Sukhvinder's conversation about religion ie. 'Sikhs come from India.' Literally then show us one sentence conversations. Editing!
Oh no, Joe likes Raff (I'm spelling it how it's pronounced so I pronounce it right on my pod) and Tom doesn't cos he's seen his VT. I hate people getting judged on VTs. It reminds me of Jackie Travers vendetta against Callum cos of all the imaginary women he'd slept with.
I love Raff strategising with Chanelle. They're gonna have 'psycho chats'. I'm sure! He's enjoying talking to her. 'It's important to find someone you can trust.' ALLIANCE. He's gonna use Chanelle as a meat shield, lol. OMG at 'It's 210 times harder to get into Big Brother than Harvard.' AMAZING. I HATE everyone who says he's gonna be first boot. He's EXACTLY what I want from my Big Brother contestant. I look at his Twitter today, he was chatting about KEVIN ROBERT MARTIN. He is us.
People say, oh it's all Love Island people and it is, but I still feel this same familiar feeling in my heart, that my favourite is going out first week. And maybe I like that feeling. Cos it gives me more to moan about.
Tom has been called to the 'intelligence centre.' Uh oh. How did he get past the doorman?
Ooh! Tom sees Lotan as his competiton! Good, I want them to fight and take each other out.
Why is Lotan plugging Head and Shoulders? Oh I know, cos Ted told him to. He makes the Twistos twist look subtle.
Who cares what the 'people of Facebook' think. I hate the fact Raff has got thrown under the bus cos of his VT. Dickwad shouldn't have even seen his VT.
I didn't note down who the public like or don't like. I hate the way Tom spoke to Rafe. So he's been nice so he's playing a game? Fuck off, he's being polite on the first night, you thick fuck.
So dimwit has to split the house in two. 
Ooh, he's splitting the sisters up. That's not going to go down well. It's good though cos we'll then see them under the cosh. Oh he's split up the couple, too! Meanie. Basically everyone he is putting on the poor side, I like.
I like Chanelle screeching in Tom's face, ha. 'Cos you're loud and annoying.'  
Ooh Tom has drawn first blood against Lotan! Nice. Let the young bucks fight it out, to the death preferably. 'Time to go big game hunting!' as Karen BBCAN5 said.
Chanelle on her boyfriend: 'He's got a ten inch dick and he's a very giving person.'
Blowjob talk! 'I haven't got the patience to do it until they come.' Half arsed!
The man whore is explaining his strategy for honey trapping. Haha, I like them saying he's out of a job. He's like a cut price Derrick Lavveseur who can't go back to pretending to be a hipster park co-ordinator/undercover cop.
I don't like that outdoor DR one bit! Unsettling. If I wanted to watch outdoor things, I'd watch fucking Survivor. I like things INDOORS. Like my social life. I want to feel relaxed, like I can wear a dressing gown like Jo O Meara. OK, maybe not that relaxed.
The sisters don't like anyone. Weeelllll.
Have they actually been exiled yet? I can't tell the difference between the exile side and the other side.
Lotan: 'United citizens of who the gives the fuck.' That was almost a sentence.
The mum and daughter like Rafe! Yay. He is cute.
OMG I LOVE the bedroom furniture. I have those net curtains, basically. I like the wallpaper, the poofe, the rug... everything. The artwork looks very me, too.
I realise where I recognise this honeytrapper woman now... This Morning. I couldn't give a fuck what she thinks about anything. Boring!
Sukhvinder has got the hump: 'I don't want to come on some dumb show.' Um. Her husband looks weary already, ha.
Ellie: 'I love drinking, me.' Well, it's moving on from blinking, I guess.
I don't really get the split when they can both hang out on both sides (like Chanelle's boobs). What's the point?
Chanelle: 'I'm not gonna lick anyone's arse.' She won't even give anyone a blowjob, so...
Argh they're all worrying about Raff being a gameplanner. Annoying! Stupid Tom!
I like the decor in the exile room too. It still has nice cushions, etc even though they've made the walls look mock grubby.
Woah, that bathroom is very green. Toothbrush strategy first night! Bold.
Arthur is doing a stirring speech to the exiles. Ooh I like this sister saying 'we have to win.' The exiles wanna start a riot. Start by burning Tom's jeans.
That seemed to go by really fast, which I think is a good sign?
I'm just enjoying having BBUK back on and all the Twitter fun, really. The house will take shape and what will be, will be. We can't affect it. We don't decide.
Ooh, did you check out our launch night podcast by the way? Thanks if you have a chance to listen.

Monday, 5 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Election crimes

I'm back, bitches! Yes, I'm as cliche as Big Brother itself and definitely as tired. I have so far managed to avoid house spoilers and people spoilers (what happened to good old fashioned finding out on the night, hey!)
Emma is dressed like a contemporary doily. Her neck is going a bit Deirdre Barlow. I'm not even going to mention the hair. Where's the house tour! Instead we get a lecture about pulling together. Save it for the tribute concert. This is Big Brother, get back to the backstabbing (not literally).
So the twist is we get to vote one person in. Boring. Andrew, Simone, Sue and Tom. They all look dull as fuck.
They are bringing in people from all over the UK. Just like always! 'The United Kingdom of Big Brother.' Not that catchy, really.
So they've got Rylan on the main show now. What's going on with the beard.
First in is Arthur. Good laugh he's got there. I love poshos. A house full of poshos, please! Where the fuck is Dunsford. 'Hold on mum and dad I'm going in Big Brother, I'm going to be a superstar.' 'I love a mug, I'm a teapot, let's have a tea party.'
I'm liking the chintz. My house is like a cross between that and an abandoned squat, too.
Ellie is in next. They've obviously cut the budget cos they're filming their VTs themselves. She likes fish and chips 'but will make do with a ham sandwich.' It's good to have standards. 'I'd have to do something terrible not to win.' Called Donald Trump an 'orange man'. Pot, kettle, orange. Don't pretend you don't know what he's called! You know! Even someone as thick as you. She looks like a sausage. I didn't know people were still slut dropping. I guess that what goes on in Castleford, wherever the fuck that is.
Arthur: 'It's so jokes.' What bad language did Arthur do?
I can't vote poundland Russell Brand Andrew in, not with that accent. Simone is representing the North East. No thanks. She has more sides to her than a new pound coin. At least she gave good gusto to her speech. Simone is no wallflower. 'Power to the people!' Tom from Swansea looks like a chav. I don't like any of these people. Can we have a no-alition?
Next in is Lotan, a dreamboy from Braintree in Essex. Looks like every day is a bad hair day for Lotan. His willy is insured for 12 million. What are his premiums on that? My co-host Gaz says 'he seems like he's intelligent.' Yes, I will quote him on that. Why is he trying to force sweets into Emma Willis's mouth? Peculiar.
Lotan can't understand what Emma's saying. Emma: 'Can we just get you in there?' Lotan: 'Yeah fuck it.'
Lotan said 'you look black' to Ellie, oh dear. She's just got back from 'Magaluff'.
Next in is Imran and Sukhvinder. She's Sikh and he's Muslim. The new Jack and Joe. I like their dog. They look very young to have such old children. Ooh, they're individual players! I think that makes it more interesting. She thinks she's going to last longer than him, ha. They're doing it for their children, Jasmine and Gadaffi, ahem. I find the 'he's a Muslim, she's Sikh' thing patronising and heavy handed. Yes, we all know people from different cultures, you're hardly breaking new ground, Big Brother.
Ooh, they are mentioning the auditions as pairs.
Arthur: 'Do you drink?' to Imran straight away, haha.
Next in is Charlotte and Mandy, mum and daughter. Fuck, the last thing we need is the new Jackie and Charlie Travers. I'm hoping the mum is more Karen BBCAN5 than Jackie. Woah, what is Charlotte wearing going in? Candy pink bolero sleeves, not good. The mum looks better. It's creepy that they're holding hands, unless one is helping the other across the road.
Arthur was checking the mum out, 100%!
Stop giving Andrew the mic, please. He's irritating as fuck! Nikki backs him! Legends shouldn't back desperation.
Next in is Deborah and Hannah from Nigeria/East London. They seem like normal people (ie. Londoners). Fake laughs FTW. Interesting choice of outfits to into the house there. They both look like they aged 30 years. They're bringing glittery backs. It's like half traditional dress, half wheel of fortune assistants. It's an eek from me.
Joe is some old dude from South London. He looks like he's got eyeliner on. He looks melted. 56! He looks 65. 'Don't say it in the diary room, say it to my face.' Say it in the DR and they'll play it to your face. He used to run a nightclub in Tenerife. TERRY TIBBS. Talking of drowning, he's like they melted Showbiz and Barrymore together. He's my pick to get kicked out for being racist.
Simone can understand people. I can't understand her. I don't want any of these four to go in!
Next in is Keiran and Rebecca. He's a honeytrapper and 'man whore'. I think she's his pimp. Rebecca has come out dressed like a granny on a cruise ship. Put down the lace and sequins. Keiran's got a birds' nest on his head. That's Emma's job. No escaping humidity! That was an awkward interview. Keiran 'revels' in female attention.
Joe/Terry Tibbs is like 'it's brutal out there' and Keiran is like 'it's alright'.
Next is Kayleigh. She looks like she should be on Love Island. Her stories are shit, something about a dream and her mum. That's like the worst sort of work colleagues' stories. She looks like she's wearing some old wallpaper from a haunted house.
Kayleigh knows Keiran! Fix, etc.
The audience look extra chavlicious tonight. Where do they ship them in from, Home Bargains?
Sue wants to go in cos she's a 'black girl with an Asian dress' and she's going to 'stir, cook and serve.' I can't believe you have to pay to vote for this! It should be on the app. I'm not paying for that! I do feel they've mistimed the vote. Everyone is new to us, so who cares about 4 new people? Two weeks in and we might want fresh blood and actually vote.
Raph is half American/ half Japanese and believes 'love is a weakness'. I'm getting Andrew from last year vibes. I like him! Him and Arthur. Those green shorts, though! He watches Big Brother Canada and the other international Big Brothers! Woo. He's my pick to win. Seemed super friendly going in, like a puppy. I don't care if he voted Trump! People are moaning at me on Twitter about it. Who gives a shit! I don't give a fuck who people vote for in the Big Brother house, what do I want, a house full of people like me? Fuck that! I'm guessing it's like when Jordan Parhar pretended to be ultra conservative to get in the Big Brother Canada house and then just went to sleep during the veto. I hope Raph isn't going to be similarly over-confident as I might put a couple of quid on him.
Liked Raph's intro to Suchvinder 'I like that it's diverse, I'm half Japanese myself.' Strong gameplay!
Chanelle is next from Manchester. Looks like Scarlett from Gogglebox got spliced with Katie Price. I like all her chins and her enormous boobs and her silly eyebrows. Fanny flaps mention FTW. Ooh mentioning Manchester! Shrewd gameplay here. Now we're dealing with the big guns. Her and Raph are in here for business, just like Kevin Robert Martin. I've got my eye on her. 
At least this Tom idiot put some of the others on blast.
This 'twist' is ruining the atmosphere. Bring back the golden ticket!
I like the mouldy-looking round couch. Oh, so the new person going in is going to be head of household, basically.
Why do they never have any good strong female housemates on BBUK! We rarely get shrewd, smart women in there.
Time to find out who's going in! (Who cares?) Andrew is crying hot tears of future lost magazine deals. In last place is Simone. She took it well. We'll never get to find out her hidden secrets. Sue didn't get in either! I'm surprised.
Who the hell voted for Tom?! Must have been cos he was on last. I was glad to see Andrew's hopes dashed, I must admit. But Tom is like a pointless little pitbull.
Tom is 'the people's housemate'. A bit like when Eric Stein was 'America's player.' So Tom is going to get info from the outside world, from the idiot general public. So they're going to split the house. I HATE house splits and I hate them the first night, especially. I hated it Kate Lawler's year and I hated in in BBAU when Tim was in there. It ruins the flow of the house and the dynamic of the relationships.
No Prosecco left for Tom, unlucky! But we can chat to him on Facebook live later. If we could understand what he's saying. OUTSIDE CONTACT etc.
PODCAST INCOMING in the next couple of hours! Keep your eye on this: https://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm
I promise to try and keep the blog up this series... wish me luck.