Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I'm fucking allergic to people, man

I think us viewers are 'waking up in the dingey thorn cottage' as opposed to the 'rose cottage' metaphorocally speaking.
Sukhvinder hates EVERYONE. I kind of agree with her.
Uh oh, Tom is having to read off a cue card, sorry, I mean an iPad. Ted is giving him punishments to choose from cos he's too thick to think of them himself. Ted knows how to punish us viewers though; through casting a series of dolts and duds. Thanks, Ted.
Raph and Arthur are the housemate dream team as far as I'm concerned, talking about how they're not lads. Tom coming in and demanding they bow (as part of the task) was quite poetic. What a twat. He's barely comprehensible.
I love Sukhvinder going 'I'm fucking allergic to people, man' and Imran saying 'you're doing amazing.' What a nice husband to have. Sukhvinder doesn't want to be a sheep or lose who she is. I don't think there's any danger of that. I like her honesty, I just hope she doesn't downward spiral and become too moany (I know, pot, kettle, black, right?)
Chanelle: 'I just stroll around with my feathers on... Arthur ruffles feathers.' Yours or someone else's?
Arthur to Joe: 'Do you always wear make up?' I LOVE ARTHUR! I love the way Joe made Arthur  repeat it several times. 'Do I always what? What the fuck are you fucking saying.' Terry Tibbs has gone mental. He had to resist punching Arthur. Lotan: 'He's just got dark eyelashes.' What about the guyliner! I've seen less eyeliner on John James!
Joe (huffily): 'Just because I've got nice eyes.' I liked Hannah trying to tell Arthur not to put his foot in it.
Arthur: 'You've got a good complexion.' Good backtrack. Joe seemed to agree? Joe has a good complexion like Donald Trump has a good complexion.
Ooh, I don't like the way Arthur turned on Hannah after that cos he's scared of Joe, not cool. She was trying to help you. I HATE the way he called her 'love', too. Sexist twat. I just went off Arthur in two seconds flat. I still think he's a good housemate, though.
Joe picking on Arthur telling him to 'bow quicker.' Arthur: 'Two plus two makes you.' What does that mean, exactly? Joe: 'It's a game.' I like it when people say it's a game, as if we didn't know.
Arthur is more Caroline than Ben or Harry in the posho stakes, I'm afraid. Real shades of twattery. Joe is an abysmal human, though, and an annoying housemate. I wouldn't mind if we hadn't seen it ALL BEFORE last year with Chelsea. Think outside the box, people!
Why is Hannah bothered Arthur used the word 'dickhead' though? That's MILD!

Chanelle's had a bum lift using fat from her chin. I can't finish this sentence without failing as a feminist/human so I'll just leave it there. Chanelle is giving a shopping list of her low level cosmetic procedures.
Tom forcing them all to do sit ups. He has the worst case of HOHitis since Tom Plant in BBCAN1.
The mum says 'Tom's a cutie... small but perfectly formed.' EW! He's disgusting.
Pillow fight... not as good as a food fight. Lotan looks like a fucking garden gnome. Hideous.
Fake news task. As if headlines are written about the housemates anymore! I can't be bothered to write it all down.
I'm not surprised that Rebecca wouldn't hire someone not wearing make up. Plus, she needs it. (Meow!)
The mum going on about the sex tape is GRIM. VHS. She seems so proud! 'I was 7 stone 6 and I gave a great performance.' Can't see Jackie Travers saying that. Also, the daughter didn't even seem that shocked! WEIRD. The mum is deffo gonna snog someone. I feel a lapdance coming on!
Tom looks like he's gonna glass someone. Chanelle is upset she's been labelled a cheat. So going 'waaa' is Chanelle's thing, then. Raph is a cheat. He's not helping the public vote, is he! Buck up your ideas, Raph.
OMG this sister commenting on the asian couple's relationship. 'Doesn't mean he can't be a sex warrior.' JESUS.
What's Raph pretending to cry about? Lol! Gameplanner. 'And not one tear was shed' 
Sukhvinder is not going to last long hanging onto her morals in there. Her husband is a bit henpecked, isn't he? (Sorry for the sexist terminology but weeeelll).
Arthur thinks people on benefits should take whatever they can get (like he does). 'If there's a system, play it.' I completely agree (my view is it's the systems' fault if it's exploitable) It's easy for him to say though, cos he does fuck all. Imran is trying to hard to say the right thing - or maybe he is just a really nice guy and I'm a suspicious mess. It's possible!
Tom talking about Mandy's sex tape: 'I was a size 7 and I put a good shift in.' That's not quite what she said and there's no such thing as a size 7, but hey, near enough.
The sisters seem cool if a little conservative for Big Brother so far.
Tom is going to be told by the public what to do again next. It's lucky the public is thinking for Tom cos he's thicker than brick. He not so much wrote his strategy in crayon (shout out to Keith from BBUS) but in his own shit on the back of a toilet door.
Tom cannot STAND Chanelle. I still half like her. Half!
Ellie thinks Lotan is 'so beautiful' and he's out of her league. I hate leagues. Ellie fishing for compliments from Lotan. Stop putting yourself down! You're fine, he's a twat.
Lotan: 'People assume I'm an arrogant prick.' I wonder why! Then he said 'looks don't matter.' NICE! But then 'of course you're beautiful.' Too late.
Kayleigh is stirring about Ellie and Lotan. I think Kayleigh is jealous. Charlotte looks drunk.'Would you bang her?' Charmed, I'm sure. Like mother, like daughter, I guess.
Lotan: 'I turn women crazy.' You turn my channel over. The producers actually think we care about this crap. Ugh, Ellie all over Lotan is grimbles. And she's not even allowed to sleep in there! Clinger.
What the hell is Tom wearing?! Looks like one of the net curtains.Who knew they were doing the HOH robe in lace now? 
I LOVE all the bedspreads. But I'm concerned about where the series may be going (showmances in the first week). If you're gonna force a showmance on me, make it a slow burn. Make it mean something. Otherwise, keep it.
PS: Launch night pod (still pimping!)

2 comments:

Sandra Statner said...

Great analysis! You are spot on.

lightupvirginmary said...

Aw thanks Sandra! :) Appreciate it.