Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Did you miss me?

Why, hello there! Thanks to everyone who's been keeping updated via the obnoxious podcast, and for those who can't stand James, there's this blog, tee hee.
I feel like Big Brother is going to be over before I even get the chance to get my teeth into it, somehow, even though it's a longer series than normal. It has been a great celebrity series, I can't deny it.
So, the old secret room trick, and this time, mildly more plausible than usual, as this series has had more walkers than Rick Grimes encounters on your average sepia-toned afternoon walk. I liked the touch of Perez leaving via the John James exit, but mostly I just like Perez. I was just listening to a podcast where they don't like Perez (RHAP). Can you imagine not liking Perez? I would not be watching Big Brother at this point. Because it IS the Perez show, Perez IS Big Brother, and he's playing the game now, he's playing it sooooo good. From licking his own armpits, to stripping naked, to driving everyone slowly insane, he's where it's at. To argue with it is futile. To argue with it is to be Calum Best.
I'm hoping Cami Li goes but there's no way in hell I'm voting to save Hopkins, Patsy or Nadia. The middle aged mafia can fight it out between themselves. I've got a sneaking feeling Patsy might go.
Is 'chola' racist? The first time I heard it I thought so, but a few seem to be saying it. Let me know!
Cami Li hasn't got the balls to take Jordan on. She knows Jordan is higher up the power rankings in that house. Pecking order is everything. Just ask the trainer police.
Perez is writing viewer questions. The only positive thing I can say about Nadia is she stuck by Perez even after he 'went'. I will give her that as loyalty is a good quality. Other than that, she's a meddling pain in the butt. Talking of which, Visage is invisible this episode, which is wonderful. I can't believe how many people still like her; her game plan is so transparent. She's worse than Cheggers.
Katie Hopkins calling Perez a 'parasite' in the DR; she really has no clue he's gone. I like him clutching her picture in a frame to his crotch.
Even thought he's meant to be gone, the housemates are still talking about Perez non-stop.  Says it all.
Patsy will miss Big Brother like a hole in the head. 'Unique experience'?! Weren't she and Nadia comparing it to a prison sentence yesterday?
Calum and Cami Li's nomance is depressing. Even Ricci and Lauren had more chemistry, LOL! Even Ollie Locke and Sam Faiers' boil were more compatible. It's tragic.
Perez works well with his own company. I doubt if I'd be so animated on my own. I know Perez is fake and annoying, but he's just got something compelling about him. He's one of the best American players we've ever had (Busey and Spiedi just pip him) and one of the most entertaining housemates ever, in my opinion. I can imagine if you hate him, you really fucking hate him. And that makes me like him all the more! I'm surprised how many people don't get it. But the crowd has never been more split that this year, everyone is hating on everyone else's favourites. And I like that.
Crowd is chanting 'get Cami out' yet cheering for Katie Hopkins. Why? Idiot general public, that's why! Loonies in anoraks, y'all.I'm actually glad Nadia is safe for when Perez comes back, even though she gets on my last nerve. Hopkins also safe. Probably in her contract. Fuck, Patsy is out. I called it! She looks fucking thrilled to be going. Elated. I'm not sad she's gone as she offered nothing. She was the female Frankie Dettori.
Patsy seems more relaxed already. Emma: 'There's a time and a place for an opinion, and you don't have to say every opinion you have.' Only someone with no opinion would say such a thing. I have an opinion on EVERYTHING. Emma doesn't struggle to have an opinion when faced with a female housemate she feels hasn't lived up to her exacting standards, though.
Someone on Twitter is telling me Perez was bullying Katie Hopkins. How can people see things so differently? Katie Hopkins is a professional bully. Perez is an eccentric.
Patsy: 'I'm not going back in, am I?' and 'I don't want to see my best bits.' Ha. Patsy's like your mum when you try and take a picture of her. There's no harm in her, bless!
It's such a crap way of them showing that Perez is still there, letting them see it on screen. There's so many better ways of letting him back in! Like he could have gone back in dressed as a giant Mr Buns. Or as Reg Holdsworth. A VT is all they got? 'I knew it!' etc. Hopkins looks rattled.
Perez: 'Did you miss me?' LOL. 'Cheers motherfuckers.'
Glad Cami stayed now as she looks super pissy. Haha to the pass to the final/ eternal nomination reveal. Eternal nomination! Boo! Typical idiot general public, don't know what they're doing. They literally don't know their arse from their elbow. Luckily Perez will be safe anyway on a vote to save and the others will have to turn on each other when nominating.
Perez holding court at the end, ha. He does love all eyes on him. Why is he slating Patsy! Hopkins, Cami Li and Visage all look stony faced. Jordan pumping him for information. He's lording it! He's in his element. Let's eternally damn the loonies in anoraks. How many more evictions are there even?! Save Perez.You know it makes no sense... but perfect television.

Friday, 16 January 2015

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: I'm a producer's wet dream

So is Jordan going in tonight? I personally don't care either way. I find her monotone and boring. We've seen her schtick too many times before.
Katie vs Alicia. I don't care about that either, tbh. More Perez, please! Perez has become my new favourite. It was when he started crying during the talent show that I realised. He is pure drama. I love him. When he said 'the British public love this' - he was right.
Look, people are cuddling Katie Hopkins. They must be evil. They ARE evil.
I'm not voting tonight because I don't care who goes. I'm more worried about what Mr Buns the rabbit is doing.
Katie Hopkins is crying because people like her. Boo! That's not what we want to see. Look at Katie stroking Cami's hair. Grooming her, literally.
Alicia and Perez chumming up is ace. They are both as mad as each other. Why is Kavana trying to tear them apart?! I'm glad Alicia grassed on him. Perez is pure entertainment.
Good luck to Chloe, wanting to put Perez in the background. You'd have a better job trying to Cami do a bit of lesbian horseplay.
Get Perez out! Boo! Michelle got cheered. They saved Alicia first! Yeah! Then Michelle! Cool.
Perez is cracking me up in the garden. I love how much he's winding them all up. He's filling the Jeremy hole for me atm.
Nadia is sticking up for Perez. She's making his stock plummet. Cheggers is pretending he likes Perez. I think it's just because he hates Cami more than Perez. Patsy is INVISIBLE tonight. Calum is doing the whole nice guy act.
Perez is doing a Busey right now. He's stealing the show. I can't bear him, yet I love him.
Stop arguing before bed! It's hard to know who's side to take in Nadia vs Cami, they are both so odious.
I'm glad Alicia said 'fuck you' to Cami. Not before time. They are bullying her. I can't BELIEVE Cami said her family don't love her. What an absolute cunt. Then she denied it! Cami is a cunthole. No getting around it.
What the FUCK is Perez doing? Show it closer, please! LOL. What is Michelle talking about 'our community'? Is she gay? She's not even gay, so I don't know what she's talking about. Get a grip. Perez is hilarity.
Chloe has been evicted. Dressed as a wench. Unfortunate. That's guilt by association for hanging out with Cunti Li. Bet she sells her down the river soon enough. Can we have Jeremy back now? I'm sure he's changed, ha.
Chloe: 'There's not one person in there who's actually enjoying themselves.' LOL.
Chloe: 'Katie is a wonderful lady.' OK then.
They seem to be skirting over the Jeremy thing pretty hard in the interview. Probably legal reasons. Why did they never interview Jeremy? They interviewed Daley. I saw Pippy interview him on This Morning.
Chloe would love to see Cami in the final. Good luck with that.
Why is Emma interviewing Chloe with her coat on? It makes me on edge. Look at those gloves, too. It looks like she's going to strangle someone. Jeremy has been erased from her best bits! Boo!
And now time for the 'shock' arrival... but is it a shock? Oh, no it's Jordan.
Jordan's VT made me LOL! I hope she's locked her fanny rat husband in a cupboard. Katie Hopkins looks pissed off. Michelle looks too pissed off, too.
Ha, what was Perez doing! Hiding in the corner. Banished LOL. Jordan banished Perez, Cami and Nadia. Jordan is a pro at this, listen to that speech she did. TRUE GAMER.
Who is Perez saying is still on drugs?!
Hopefully there'll be a podcast later! It's been a busy week so lots to talk about... god help us. Thanks for reading!

Monday, 12 January 2015

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Reg No-worth

So Ken gets the boot tonight, three days too late. Why give the little troll another chance to insult someone?
Talking of trolls, here goes Perez, yapping away again, ordering people about. I didn't pay attention at the start of this task and now I don't know what the fuck is going on. NICE BIKE! It looks cheap as fuck. One exercise bike. How much was that, £44 from Argos? What the hell have they got on their heads? Bikes make me think of Callum form Dexter's year, taking it on board in his horrible t-shirts. Poor sod.
Nadia bugs the crap out of me, declaring Cheggers a national treasure. He's not. He's an annoying person who pops up on TV from time to time; like Paul Ross or Chris Packham. Rold Harris was a national treasure, and he wasn't even British, and he was a paedophile. So maybe national treasures aren't all they're cracked up to be anyway.
Kavana is singing in an American accent. Why? Chloe reminds me of Rylan facially. They both have a bit of a sunken look. I think it's like sculpting, or contouring or whatever the fuck it's called, but they've overdone it and now they look like The Scream.
Aw, Calum, 'A lot of the time my dad played football with me it was set up with pictures.' That's sad. It is sad when your dad is a drunk or a wifebeater. It leaves a mark on you that never comes off. Calum actually seems OK on the whole. I could see him in the final.
Oh OK, they're doing endurance cycling to raise non existent money. Like Frankie Grande's orphanages (one for the Americans there).
God, Perez is taking offence again. At Patsy. What the fuck? She wasn't being offensive. She was taking an interest in Alexander's life story, by the sounds of things. It is a shame racism is so offensive in America; I thought we were more tolerant here, but then... Reg/Ken. Jade. It's embarrassing, isn't it? It's embarrassing when people who are foreign come here and we insult them. I find it shameful. But Patsy is not that.
Patsy; waterproof mascara, please. Snoop Dogg, I hope you're pleased with yourself. Your lyrics have caused an international race war (not really). Alexander seems cool. He's very chilled about everything.
Now Ken is calling Patsy a scrubber. Leave it out, Reg. It's getting old. 
This song for the task is shite, but I enjoyed the key change.
OMG Ken is going on at Chloe about Jeremy now. It's the victim blame day today. Going into a room to help someone out when they're being sick is asking for it apparently.  The Wright Stuff was absolutely despicable today; Dr David Bull was on saying 'what on earth was she doing in her dressing gown in the bathroom with him?' Er... seeing if he was alright? There was some other fucking spud on who was even grosser. Check it out if you can bear it. Even Lowri Turner, alleged feminist, didn't defend Chloe.
This Cami Li rant seemed to come out of nowhere, was it related to the Jeremy conversation? Nadia calling Ken passive aggressive; he's not, he's aggressive aggressive. Nadia is passive aggressive. She's a Linda Nolan/ Colleen Nolan/ Denise Welch typical middle aged sanctimonious boot. I can't STAND her. She's worse than Perez, IMO.
Reg: 'They are some of the best looking arses I've ever seen.' NOT CREEPY AT ALL. That was quite frightening, but he gave Nadia exactly what she wanted.
Nadia is trying to set herself up as some kind of moral crusader, which doesn't suit her. It's not about rape, it's about an old perv. OMG Perez is staring Reg out now. This is getting weird. That was actually quite threatening when Perez said to him, 'If I were you, I'd fear for my safety when I leave the house.'
LOL Perez is getting a tell off for threatening Ken with the old 'pow pow pow' treatment. Perez: 'I'm smart.' No, you're not. I love the fact Big Brother got audibly annoyed with Perez there. I don't think I've ever heard Big Brother snap at someone like that before.
OMG now Alex is telling Chloe off for showing too much skin when she gets changed! Poor woman, she's being branded the house harlot just for being young and pretty. They're going to be burning her at the stake next. I understand Alexander is old. But give the girl a break, she's had a rough couple of days. Is it really that offensive if you get a glimpse of her bum? Reg would love it.
So the straw that broke the camels back was the phrase: 'Negro rhythms'. At least he didn't say it TO Alexander this time. Just ABOUT Frank Bruno. Hope he's not watching.
So was he just being as objectionable as possible to get removed? I suppose the only way we would know is if we find out if they get paid or not. If he gets paid anyway, it's no skin off his nose to act the goat and get thrown out as soon as possible. But if not then he's just a thick cunt. In fact, let's just go with that.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Jeremy's broken

OH NO. The worst has happened. My Jeremy, my kryptonite has been evicted, and they won't even tell us why. This is why they don't have live feed, so they can TV-bait us like this. I don't think they've ever done this before though, not told us why someone's left. Imagine if we'd had to wait to find out when Nasty Nick got the boot? It would have been unthinkable.
That was a very comprehensive disclaimer at the start! Oh dear.
Reg is obviously going to be a total pervert tonight. Looks like he's lucky Jeremy takes the heat off him.
Dear God, Perez is SUCH a crawler. Reg thinks he's 'stirring'. He's actually being completely inappropriate.
I HATE Nadia! Lucy Cave said on BOTS that 'everyone loves her.' I don't, I she's fucking useless. Typical middle-aged CBB contestant. Boring, opinionated and sanctimonious. I'd rather be mates with Katie Hopkins than her. Also, she's trying to set herself up as Katie's nemesis and it's too transparent.
Reg to Cami: 'Half Hindu Princess, half slut.' Which turned to 'half Moroccan, half whore.' He should be given a warning on that basis alone. I am offended.
I'm glad Michelle told him to watch his mouth with the younger girls. Hold on, why is Nadia in a Parka and Perez and Cami are in their pants?! What's the temperature in there?
This is the part where we sit through the noms again. I don't mind if Reg dies of old age or boredom, as long as he dies.
Cami is a good character, whether she's a bitch or not. She might have to be my new fave now Jeremy's sexually assaulted someone.
Jeremy's splits are more impressive than most things in that house. 'The sacred juice!' Is Jeremy vaping crack? Oh dear, he had such potential.
Uh oh. 'Nice big fat Negro.' On a normal night, that would be enough drama. Ken should go, that's really offensive. That must make Alexander feel awful. Horrible man. Gross.
Oh, OK, so Chloe went in to look after Jeremy when he was sick and he groped her. How much booze have they given them, or is he on something else, too? If it IS just booze, Big Brother has to take some responsibility. On BBUS they don't give them drink, because of shit like this.
Jeremy: 'the time between being sick and being OK is pretty much the only moment I feel alive.' Oh my God. What a quote. And then.
Jeremy was off his fucking face and pulled her dressing gown to one side. Oh, God, Chloe is really upset. That is over the line and completely unacceptable. I don't think he's a monster, but he can't control himself and he needs to go for the safety of the others.
Jeremy comes out the bathroom going 'Elvis has left the building.' Nearly. Calum seemed to think it was OK.
'Curiosity killed the cat!' WTF. That's not much justification.
Perez and Michelle were the only ones right in that situation. 'Not OK' are the right words. Horrible to have that happen to you. Then she goes 'I know I've done page 3.' Poor thing, she's victim blaming herself. That is how deep rape culture is. She was trying to help him and he basically attacked her and she blamed herself. That's how it is to be a woman. Itt really is.
And now Jeremy is on the couch, getting affirmation from known pervert and racist Ken. 'I grabbed the tip of her robe to see.' To see what?! Her boobs without permission!?
Katie accusing Perez of 'whipping it up.' Perez has had a problem with Jeremy from day one, but with due cause, I guess,but still I question Perez motives. Just because one person is in the wrong, doesn't meant the people rallying round are in the right.
'Out of innocence. Out of curiosity.' Innocence! Funny choice of words. 'Emotionally wounded.' There's the door, Jeremy, get out. So they didn't kick him out straight away! Interesting.I wonder why. Consulting the lawyers?
Ken: 'Jeremy is a Jewish film producer from New York.' What the fuck is that meant to mean! He's obsessed with race and religion. Get him out! Ken has got to go. 'Violent fuck'? WTF. OMG what is going on with Ken and Perez in the loo! 'Disgusting misogynistic homophobic pig' is right. Calum is a tittering fencesitter. Nadia is also loving all of this, she's in her element.
So last night, Ken commented on race, Jewishness, sluts. Even when he got a warning he couldn't give a shit.
Now Jeremy's getting da boot. RIP. He did have the potential to be brilliant. Perhaps if he's stopped drinking. Maybe this will be the kick up the arse he needs to go to rehab. I hope so.

Friday, 9 January 2015

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Sneaker gimps

Hi all! So it's live nominations tonight, let's hope they don't 'do a Heather' and they keep it running to time. Also, no cheating please.
Piss wars have already begun, I see. Still, better than scat wars.
No shower tray to put your bits on?! Not very celeb.
Michelle is 'so offended by the words Katie speaks.' She hasn't said anything yet. I hate the way they all know too much about each other before they go in. Perez virtually had their biographies tattooed on his body like that hottie in Prison Break.
Kavana knows Mel B, ha. I bet she doesn't know him.
Reg Holdsworth and Cheggers alliance coming up; old codgers alliance. LOL to Cheggers refusing to be on Fat Club. Like they'd call a show 'Celebrity Health.' They probably sold The Undateables as Lovely People's Last Chance at Love.
Nadia isn't fat, so why is she saying she is? Stupid woman. Of course no one would attack Katie in the street, you'd be too scared of her. I like the way Katie isn't backing down in the face of Nadia's quizzing of her. SAY IT TO YOUR FACE. Check.
Michelle is giving Perez some grief for not messaging her. IM? What century is this? Why is he sitting on the kitchen counter? Unclean.
Jeremy: antibacterial toilet wipe bankroll. I like the face he called Nadia out for 'whining and complaining'. Nadia is annoying.
Katie don't like almond milk? I thought she liked healthy people. It's almond milk or cokeheads, take your pick. She doesn't like Patsy because she's a nervous wreck. Bit mean.
Michelle is looking suspicious about the foot massage. I couldn't physically touch someone else's feet. Anything to do with feet, I want no part of it.
So, the task is over. Katie should just come out the DR and put everyone on full-scale blast.
Perez is such a little know it all! He's like teacher's pet. Knowing the dates people went out with people (ie. Calum and Lindsay is just plain creepy.) I liked Michelle's chat with Calum and the camera work, too. Not sure about 'husbanded', though.
I'm not commenting on all Red Holdsworth's actressing because it's what he wants. Airtime hog!
I feel sorry for Alicia. She's a sad person. Still rather be her than Katie, though.
Kirk Norcross, ugh. This girl looks way too nice for him. I mean, she seems a cunt, but she's too good looking for him. Remember when he was sexually harrassing that Georgia girl?
Jeremy: 'We're all on the same plane, going down.'
Uh oh, the Patsy Kensit marriage files, we may be here for some time. Katie being a cunt about it, ha. What a wrong 'un.
Katie Hopkins crying cos she loves her husband, haha. While wearing a Dappy hat. Also, why isn't she putting everyone on blast?! Fail.
Perez is impertinent asking Calum questions about his dead dad. That's very personal. Calum: 'He gave it a go.' Yeah, on someone else's liver.
OMG Jeremy is doing Cornholio impressions! YES! Nadia thinks he's mentally ill but he just needs TP for his bunghole. Uhuhuhuhuh. Bring back Beavis and Butthead.
Cami is hating on Calum's trainers. Is she 12? LOL. Petty but funny. His clothes are 'sick'. Is this the 90s?
Haha now Chloe is saying Calum is 12. Cami started it. I'm telling, etc. I don't mind Chloe, she seems alright.
This code is pretty crap, 'my sister' equals 'my boyfriend.' Calum, don't bring your mum into it. You've taken it too far!
Ok, here's the face to face noms. Buckle up.
Michelle: Nominated Ken for wanting to go home. Isn't she meant to nominate two?
Perez: Ken. Sheep vote.
Katie: Perez. She wants to be the biggest cunt in the house.
Nadia: Katie. 'We're polar opposites.' You're both annoying as fuck.
Cami: Ken. Ken is ruining these nominations.
Jeremy: Pasty for having 'some auto immune stuff.' Best one yet. Tribe talk! Patsy said thanks. He's right, she's a weak player.
Chloe: Ken. I want to know what fine line he's been treading. Sexism, no doubt.
Calum: Ken. Ken is Reg Holdsworth, btw.
Kavana; Ken.
Ken looks lived, ha. He nominated Cami because 'she bit him'. Footage, please.
Alicia: Calum. Cos she got off with him, ha. 'Least likely to go up' my arse.
Pasty: Bathroom gate. Tell us more! Ooh, Ken is having a go at her. I'm glad she gave it back to him.
Alexander: Perez. 'I think he's a total control freak.' LOL. Say how you really feel.
Keith: Perez for sitting on the counter. Damn right! Counter attack!
No one has nominated Jeremy! Sweet.
A Tuesday eviction. Interesting. Oh, the only people they've put up are Alexander, Chloe and Ken. They only put up the people who has one vote when it suits them.
They're not arguing so I'm going to wrap my blog up here. Perez killed it by saying 'they're not allowed to talk about it.' WTF? Idiot.
Sorry if you were waiting for our podcast the other night, our computer decided to eat it. We're going to try again tonight but I've learned my lesson not to promise! Also, thanks to everyone who said nice things about my blog. I appreciate it. Night.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: Launch show

Happy new year! (Too late?) EVERYONE seems to be excited about Big Brother this year. People who never talk about Big Brother are jumping on the bandwagon. Even Big Brother himself seems to be advertising it properly. What gives? Are they actually going to give us a decent show? Don't count on it.
I am loving Emma's hair atm. It looks really good. Shame about the husband.
First up, rent a cunty comment, Katie Hopkins. What task they gonna give her? I know, be nice to everyone. They're gonna give her a pass to final, lol. OMG they are playing Celebrity Skin! Jokes! Courtney should sue. People are heckling the old trout. She actually looks good, well as good as she can look.
The house looks plush. I rather like it! Nothing worse than an eco house.
Haunted Mirror! Aint no tree of temptation. She wasn't even funny. What, Katie's got to be nasty to people?! That's not hard. Oh, she's got to put the two least entertaining people up. At least she hopefully will put up deadwood. I think she'll be good value once she stops actressing, but that will take a while.
Fuck me, I can believe Patsy Kensit needs the cash. Is Liam Gallagher not paying his maintenance? They must have paid through the nose for her *cocaine joke*. I like Patsy Kensit. Why is she limping down the stairs? She looks good, too.
I'm surprised Perez Hilton needs the money, too. He looks a LOT better than he used to. He used to look like crap. His website is shit. All he does is doodle on things and not even amusingly. We're betting they're going to give them a doodling task. I liked the way he stroked that bears belly when he went in. 'First two in, last two out.' Alliance talk! Love the Americans.
Fuck me, Reg Holdsworth! He's worse than Biggins. His wife?! He's pretty camp. Soap people don't do well in CBB. His real name is Ken, not that we'll be calling him that. See the way he looked Patsy up and down! Groo!
Katie Hopkins is in the CGI chamber, but they can't afford the CGI. She don't like Perez cos it's a competition for rent-a-gob.
Next in is a tattoo model who was engaged to Kirk Norcross?! UGH. Gross. He's one of my most hated people of all time. She's American so that gives me hope. She's like Jasmine from last year. Woah, look at her boobs. Impressive. Camili! What sort of name is that? Her first words on entering the Big Brother house were 'I shit myself.' Well, it's one up on Charlotte Crosby, innit?
I used to have a picture of Calum Best on my wall when he was about 20 and had long hair. He looks like he's had a hair transplant. He's got a spud face now. Love Island was classic. Bring back Paul Danan. 'What a process, what a procedure.' Is he describing his hair transplant?
Alicia Duvall should be good value. I'm fed up with this plastic surgery chat, though. What's she getting booed for?! She's deaf and went the wrong way, so essentially the new Gary Busey.
Ugh, Reg Holdsworth is a proper perv! He's sizing up all the women! Gross.
I do remember this Alexander O Neil song. He's going to be the one not knowing what's going on and sacking his agent. Referring to himself in the third person, check. His suit looks like it's from Debra. It's all creased up!
CBB house needs a stairlift. Too many OAPs. Patsy Kensit is waiting to go bed, poor sod. Three Americans!
This live link to Katie Hopkins is working well, lol. Techno-fail. Can't believe Emma doesn't even mention it! Tragic.
Katie Hopkins is nicking my material.
Oh no, Nadia Sawalaha is so boring. Oh, she's going to be the cooking dictator. Ha, she likes talking to people while she's brushing her teeth. That's perfect for Big Brother. Discussing strategy while brushing your teeth is the best move.
Jeremy is best known for playing David Hasslehoff's son in Baywatch. So not known then. He looks like Adam Levine. Lovely faux fur jacket! Nice hat! We've never had so many Americans in the house! Takeover.
What's Ashleeeeeen doing in the audience? Is Mike Tyson going in?
I think Katie Hopkins is drunk. She's not very funny when someone's not writing her tweets for her.
Kavana is going to be a car crash. Look at his sweaty head. Ecstasy chat, shame. He's got Kevin Webster's jacket on.
Next in is Michelle Visage. I don't know who any of these people are. I appreciate the lack of Towies, but it's actually too many Americans now. Is that Americanist?
This Katie Hopkins 'twist' is falling flat. The Kavana being 53 thing is the funniest thing she said. I'm not impressed with this line up. It started off strong and went downhill at Reg Holdsworth. I'm seeing other people saying it's good though, so I'll give it a chance.
Oh, I thought we were off the hook with the reality people but apparently not. Next in is Chloe from Ex on the Beach (me neither) sitting in a tumble dryer. She 'hates boring people'. I love 'em. This is the MTV people they're shoehorning in. Beavis or Butthead would be preferable.
Fuck me, do we need Reg Holdsworth AND Keith Chegwin! Naked jungle. The new Les Dennis. James just said 'this is an insult'. I can't disagree.
So that's it. What a mess. So Katie is putting up two people Survivor stylee. Well, she's got enough deadwood to choose from.
Did Katie just say the DR chair looked cheap? LOL. Ha, I guessed they'd make her be nice to people. Of course she's going to be nice to people at first, anyway.
Ha, she's threatening a rulebreak! Mutiny! She's anti-American. I think she just wants to race hate on someone.
I swear Alexander just looked Katie Hopkins up and down. It takes all sorts!
Housemates ignoring Big Brother. Jeremy's red jeans/ red shoes combo is amazing. I think I'm going to like watching him.
Sit your arses down, motherfuckers! Jeremy can't understand Scottish Big Brother.
So Katie put Alexander and Chloe up. Good! They are the boringist, ha! No doubt they're gonna stick another ten people on the block before Friday.
So that's it. The show was half an hour and about four housemates too long. Jeremy is my fave so far! But the smart money is a tenner on Katie Hopkins. As long as it's vote to save. Podcast up later! Cheers!

Thursday, 25 December 2014

Top of the Pops

Welcome to the lowlight of your Christmas, my TOTP blog. And I've got James here with me for once to add his own brand of bile. It's really hard to write a blog on a phone so take heed and pity me, for suffering in more ways than one.
I have never heard this Take That song before, but we both agree the brand is not working as a three. Everyone wants a (Jason) Orange in their stocking. Why not get a new member? James Corden seemed up for it on the Gogglebox repeats - sorry, highlights - last night. James says he feels something about the way Gary sings feels patronising. If you're feeling patronised by Gary Barlow in a Christmas jumper, you're probably not at your mental best.
Who the fuck are Gorgon City? Isn't that a brand of cheese? Oh no, that's gorgonzola and Cathedral City. Is this dubstep? James; 'There's a rent a raver down the front.' James is convinced they film this TOTP in July and then just CGI Ben Haenow in at the end.
James: 'When's Florence on?' I think she's reanimating in her oxygen chamber, I've not seen her for at least a year.
Up next, Schmuck. Spelt Sigma. Isn't that some X Factor reject? Oh it's like drum and bass or something. They've half got the washing machine but not quite. Come back Ed Sheeran, all is forgiven. Not really, fuck off.
I'm not mentioning Fearne and Reggie this year as they're beneath contempt.
Next up is The Vamps, a 'youtube sensation'; like Frankie Grande but less likeable. James says they look like they might be playing in a bar in the background in The Knick. If that's not funny, direct your complaints to him as I don't watch it. Jingle Bells is not a valid Christmas cover version. This is endless. There's only one fucking verse to Jingle Bells, you cunts!
Fearne likes Foo Fighters, or her autocue says she does. Well, someone has to. I have never heard any of these songs that have been out this year, thank fuck. Yet still I want to punch Sam Smith in the chops.
James: 'Fresh from making computers, it's Tom O'Dell.' Who's this miserable sod? Bring back the garage. Bring back Pharrell. James says, 'Bring back Jingle Bells.' This is a song for those who started drinking port too early on Christmas and are crying already.
McBusted. My mum's favourite. I had to buy her their CD for Christmas. I'm not even joking. Do you know how that's going to screw up my recommendations on Amazon? Disgusting. This is anti-awesome. We think might have just heard the lyrics 'More range than Brian May.' Still I suppose it's cheaper to smash up a 'air guitar' than a real one not one of the pricks can play anyway. I hope the missing one with the eyebrows is having a lie in.
Next in the aural torture chamber is Coldplay. Who'd have thought the man who wrote the beautiful The Scientist could follow that with literally hundreds of duff, samey s-hits that make you want to consciously uncouple with your own eardrums. Just stop. Stop it now, just like the sex offenders charity. Also, stop wasting paper. That confetti is murders to clear up.
One thing I will say in Fearne and Reggie's defence, they're not incessantly telling me what's coming up next for once. Probably because everyone's turned off in previous years when they did.
Next up is Rixston. Me and James simultaneously: 'who?' James: 'These people all look privately educated. How do people know the words to this song? They must play it to them in the queue.' The singer looks like Shane Ritchie.
Next up, Jeff Probst from Survivor. Oh no, it's Mr Probz. This is the worst yet. I prefer Mr Oizo.This is a new low, even worse than that twit on the piano.
The next person 'had people literally pouring out of his tent at Glastonbury' - yep, running for the nearest Herbal Highs stand, no doubt. George Ezra? Pigeon toed twat. Knock-kneed gnat. I think he just sang a line about Gordon Brown. James is becoming hysterical, and not in a good way. We're praying to be called for dinner right now.
James says there's a lot of 'sub UB40 stuff out at the moment.' Just stop and consider that sentence. Sub UB40. Fuck.
Next up is Ella Henderson. I've not heard this much but it sounds like it's off an advert. Her mouth gets on my nerves. I know that's not her fault, but there it is. James is nodding his head to this one, it's his second favourite after Take That.
My mum has just come in to express her disgust at at Matt Willis. She said 'He takes over the whole band. Talk about ruining a good group.' Hold on, I just bought you their CD, I say. She goes, 'I like to listen to them but I couldn't watch a DVD with them on now. I don't know how Emma Willis puts up with him.' Fair comment, but he had to put up with her misogyny and bias so it's swings and roundabouts. No point trying to explain that to my mum, though.
'Ed Sheeran, your favourite!' I went to James. My mum failed to detect the sarcasm and said 'I knew gingers would have their day.' Ed Sheeran has not even got a nice voice. It sounds whiny. I didn't look up once when he was on. Offensive to all senses.
Who are Clean Bandit? Sounds like Mr Muscle. My mum is not impressed. But she has got a large glass of Baileys. I've not even had a drink yet. God knows I need one.
My mum is looking at the CD cover for her McBusted CD now. I said, 'Sorry, I should have crossed out Matt Willis's face for you' and she goes, 'Dont worry, I can do that', quick as you like, followed by 'He's gross.'
Haenow now. I've heard from a reliable source that he wasn't even a van driver. Honestly. How will the pop lizards try and pull the wool over our eyes next? Why wasn't he there in the studio? Could they not afford the CGI? Poor sod, he'll never get to be on TOTP now. His career will be over by next Christmas.
I asked my mum to sum up that TOTP in one words. She said, crap. On that note, I wish you a merry Christmas, JLS style. Have a good one.