Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Placebo live at Brixton Academy - 20 years

Brian and Bowie
Disclaimer: much of this blog is about my personal life and idiosyncrasies as much as the gig. 
I think I've only gone to see a band on my own three times, and each time has been really great. No one to worry about, just get to the front and have your one on one time with the object of your musical desires.
Going to see Placebo on my own was a bit of a weird one, though. You know when a band is so entwined into your relationship that every song is your song and then that relationship ends horribly and you have to try and rebuild your relationship with the band because you don't know how to rebuild the relationship with that other person and a relationship with a band is easier to manage. That.
I have a really weak bladder so employed my strict 'no fluids after 4pm rule'. I took Smint, Fruitella and a packet of Randoms instead of a drink. Randoms are actually pretty good, even the foam ones. I need to invest in a large bag of those. The only sweet I would have also liked was orange Tic-Tacs. They are great for gigs. Top tip there for you.
So the queue was massive but as usual it's full of short girls (hello, me) so not too bad, except the woman in front of me with what looked like a dead Labrador on her head. So I got into the venue and went straight to the barrier. Left seems to be my preferred side. The first layer of the barrier was taken but there was a gap just the row behind where you can still position yourself so you're standing on the metal and you're quite immovable. However, the young Grotbags tapped me on the shoulder and said her friend was standing there but would be back in a minute. Those two things are not like the other! I went 'Er OK' with no intention of moving for the next four hours. The friend comes back from the toilet and I hear Grotbags Junior go 'I tried'. Barely. Toilet girl then taps me on the shoulder and asks me to move. Now help me out here, but do people have the right to guard invisible spaces for their friends? The answer is 'fuck no.' I went 'how can it be your spot if I'm standing in it?' Which I feel was a good point. There was much whining and complaining. I said 'I'm in here on my own and didn't go to the toilet.' i.e. I planned ahead, bitches. They continued to moan and groan and my final word on the matter was 'are we still talking about this?' God I miss arguing with strangers since I stopped driving. Thank god for the internet. 
I'm only small anyway so it's easy to see over me. Plus if you're guarding the barrier, stand on the barrier, dummy. Never cared. Later, drunk men come lolloping in, punching women in the face a foot from me. Worry about that shit, not an imagined turf war with me. 
The support band were called like The Musty Hoops or something (yeah it wasn't that) and were a bit proggy. They had something about them (I'd fuck all three of them if it was the Apocalypse or something - sorry to objectify skinny young men but welllllllll) but they were no Silversun Pickups (a previous Placebo support band I'd seen and enjoyed.) 
So I'm just going to do this review from memory and not look up any facts from it. Placebo are celebrating 20 years (woo) although that does give them the excuse to play the song Twenty Years (as if they needed one) which I despise. There was a video package first with a video for Every You, Every Me I'd never seen before where Brian is mooching about the ladies loos. It was REALLY good! Have they dug that out from somewhere? I'm sure that's not the real video. Unfortunately that was all the Every You, Every Me we were going to get tonight, sad face. 
So they opened with Pure Morning, which I was sure Brian had stopped singing because he said the lyrics were crap. Did I dream that? I feel like that was a thing at one point. Great song, though. Second song was Loud Like Love, which was brilliant! His voice sounded good. It was only after that when he stopped and told us that he had a bad throat: 'I woke up sounding like the guy from The National then lost my voice two weeks ago' that I noticed his bad throat. He said he was going to have to sing some of the songs a bit differently, which was not good news. Brian is a one for reimagining (code for 'ruining') songs at the best of times. But he said it was going to make the night special. And in a way, it did, because him not being able to hit the high notes, made me appreciate all the times he DOES. Which I just took for granted before as he is so fucking good live. I cannot tell you the amount of days I have spent watching Placebo gigs on YouTube. He just always delivers. Even tonight he delivered as much as could, while sick, which is more than you get from Morrissey, ha. 
Brian also asked people to help him sing along (no problem) and to put away phones as they distract him (good call).
This pic would be better without security guy's head
Did I mention Brian's hair? It's an interesting look he's going for at the moment - sort of a Friar Tuck vibe. I wish he'd shave it off, he looked so good in the Meds video. I was also struck by how little he was tonight! Weird because I've seen him a few times. I do like my popstars diminutive: see also Conor Oberst. Another thing I noticed was he changes guitar after every single song! Talking of guitars, how cool is Stefan? I just love their relationship. 
So the next song (and I will forget some) was Jesus' Son which I really like but he had to sing it one key down so it was really hard to sing along to. I noticed his voice was properly shot then and was wondering if he would change the set list accordingly and sing loads of dirgy ones. Sure enough (not in this order) we got Twenty Years, Soulmates Never Die (that was actually good), Special Needs (not too bad) and the dreary Devil in the Details (no). Too Many Friends should have been amazing but he just couldn't get up there - that song is ALL about the high notes. The music sounded great and I felt for him and I love that song so much. I'm glad he didn't cancel the gig because there was still a great atmosphere and it was good fun. For me it was very emotional. Exit Wounds in particular was painful because that is from my relationship break up album and lyrically that song is very apropos so I just got transported back a year and a half and it fucking hurt. There's no getting over some songs, even if they helped you at the time.
The best songs Brian sang were ones without too many high notes (which is a shame as my favourite thing about him is when his mouth flips in two like a muppet and you can see all his fillings). There were glimpses of high notes but not many and it was sad because I know how brilliant they would have been and I had a great view where I was (haha).
A lovely surprise for me though was I Know, which I looooooove, and they did a really good section where they played Protect Me From What I Want (although I do prefer Protege Moi cos it's sexier and the lyrics feel less stupid in French), For What It's Worth (go no butter!) which his vocals sounded good on and Without You I'm Nothing, where Brian was forced to sing the David Bowie part because it's deeper. Pictures of David Bowie were on the screen behind him and I cried, but it was nothing to do with Bowie. 
They tried with the big hits: Special K and Slave to the Wage sort of worked with a lot of audience participation, The Bitter End held up reasonably (thank God for all that guitar) and Infra Red struggled but is always a joy. The crowd seemed mega into it and supportive the whole way though. The saddest part was no Every Me, Every yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu because you can't go 'yooooooooooouuuuuu' when you have a bad throat. But that's my favourite. So that was really disappointing. But I just don't see how he could have done it because he just couldn't hit the notes. You could see him struggling. He still put on a fantastic show and the band were really great. The light show and graphics always look brilliant at Placebo gigs (take note Morrissey). Oh and he also sang Nancy Boy for the encore but the tune/ vocals was all over the shop (but then that long deviated from the original version anyway). I still love 'eyeholes in a paper bag' though. Magic.
Should Brian have cancelled the gig? The crowd seemed to love it from where I was (in that girl's spot!). I personally needed to see Brian and I don't regret going. I know on my next YouTube Placebo gig binge, it will make me appreciate those high notes and fillings all the more. I realise now how important his voice is, and the aspects of it I appreciate, and how it's something that helps me get by. 
So as we left the bar very handily put cups of water on the side, which was much appreciated, so here's the shout out for the water. Fruitella can only get one so far in life.
I'm not sure this review even was a review or relevant to anyone else, but I felt like I needed to document it somehow, so here it is. Now I really need to go to bed. PS: My feet hurt. Night!

Thursday, 24 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Bitch, you're lying

Vote Chad!
It's the penultimate episode! Ex housemates hikacking the house = ran out of ideas again.
Karthik is on the mic doing more of his c-raps. Chad making him say 'titty sprinkles'! Chad has some amusing turns of phrase.
Sam is flirting with Jemma in the shower. She's getting her arse out for airtime but has her hand over her vagina, so that's decorum, at least.
God, Marissa has a sexy voice. She's putting Barry in Ian Terry from BBUS's old dog suit (they obviously picked that up at the yearly conference).
Sam is wanking off about getting to speak to Jordan again. 'I want to hold you... I'm wearing your old boxers.' Um... ick? Their enthusiasm for each other is annoying. Glad they got split up, but wish we'd kept Jordan instead of Sam and his broom of doom (and I don't mean Jemma).
Sam and Amelia's staged date. Not exactly Surly the fish with Ed and Jade from BBAU, is it? He never did play those cards, did he?  Probably still got them in his back pocket as we speak.
I disagree with this task on the principle that Amelia has feelings for Sam and him and Jordan are making a dick out of her. Mean.
Sam: 'She felt the prick in my ear.' That's no way to talk about Jordan. Did dummy Amelia really not know he was on a task until she saw the earpiece?
Why is Jordan allowed to counsel Sam in the DR? Is this part of the task?! Dumb. Kind of funny in a way that Amelia was mocking Chad and Sarah but at least they get off with each other and appear to have some sort of drink-laced feelings, or at least attraction. Sam doesn't even want to touch Amelia. I realise I've just felt three different ways about Amelia in three paragraphs, which is quite a feat considering how dull she is.
Uh oh, Chad is getting in trouble for making eggs and mince. Chad loves to eat. 'Goddamn these people are fucked in the head.' Weeellll. Amelia: 'You can't say people are fucked in the head, that's really mean.' He can if it's true.
Jemma is being psychotic. Chad is not allowed to snack! He only wants a tiny lunch. Hope he's not mincemeat by the end of this episode.
Jemma saying he's 'a selfish little prick with a little prick, we all seen it in your Taco outfit.' We all seen - I mean, saw - it in bed the other night when Sarah was rubbing it, too. Aw, poor Chad and his little Johnson.
Brandi is now shitstirring over the airwaves. Calling Derek out for saying bad things about Jemma. Derek said he said it in the first week. Brandi: 'Bitch, you're lying.' He said it in the Vault!
Brandi going 'no conferring, it's cheating' to Sarah, haha. Chad going 'you're playing your American reality TV card' again, haha. Brandi: 'I'm pushing buttons, I'm pushing yours right now.'
Brandi is being brutal! I like it. I don't agree with what she's saying to Jemma, though. Jemma can be friends with Sam. They're not that flirty. I think they're fine. It's weird when Sam says they're 'basically the same person.' I bet his parents don't agree.
Amelia coming into the convo: 'Is it about me?' No it isn't. PS: You look gormless. Barry: 'They're just shooting the breeze.'
Woo, Dangerous Danan is back. He's making them point and laugh at people they think will be evicted next. Is this the new face to face nominations?
Chad to Jemma: 'Everything about you is shitty, your aura is shitty. If you were a Spice girl, you'd be shitty Spice.' This went down very well on Twitter. Jemma actually looked a bit hurt.
I really wouldn't kiss Jemma or Sarah just because Paul told me to. Desperate!
Oh all the other housemates have come back in now. It's not exactly Raph and Chanelle reunited, is it? Karthik to Chad: 'They can't show anything you haven't said or done.' Ha!
Paul: 'It's one of the best Big Brothers' ever.' What year did he start watching? Halfway through 2017?
Sarah: 'We've not done the deed.' Paul: 'It didn't look like just a kiss. In the toilets it looked like you were banging.'
Sarah: 'I swear down. We've obviously had a grope.' So Sarah remembers rubbing Chad's dick! I guess it was for airtime after all, then. She can't really complain then, can she?
Amelia is getting relationship advice from Paul Danan. End of days. He's discussing Sam's indiscretions on Made in Chelsea, haha. Harsh! Paul was watching it at 2.30 in the morning. Sniff!
Marissa is bagging out Jordan! Why! Look at Marissa's caged boobs with her nipples showing! She's sexy! Did she go out with Calum Best that night? If so, grim. Jordan pretending he's not slept with anyone outside the house, ha. RIP to Jordan and Marissa's magazine deal. That's 20K down the swanny.
Brandi is telling Amelia what's what with Sam. Brandi: 'He even jokes about it... about how all in you are.' Amelia: 'That's a prick move.'
Why is Amelia wearing a kimono? Ken Barlow? Now she's crying and saying she's not desperate. This is great for her game! A bit of sympathy!
Amelia: 'You've made my experience in here.' Sam: 'You've made half of mine... you, Jordan, a bit Gemma, and Paul.' Let me just fetch my calculator, because that doesn't quite add up.
Amelia: 'I think you've just met me at the wrong time.' Um. Sam: 'I think that's a very good way to end it.' Dodged a bullet there, didn't he? JOKES. Prick.
Jordan and Sam, no one gives a fuck about your friendship! Get lost. Why are the ex housemates doing stirring speeches! Stupid. Get out! We evicted you. Meet you outside the Holiday Inn!
Backdoor eviction time! Barry got the boot. Someone ruined it on Twitter about 15 minutes ago. Should have known people couldn't keep their mouths fucking shut. I'm not bothered about Barry going, but he deserves it more than Derek, Amelia or Sam. I'm still baffled how Derek has lasted this long.
Imagine if Chad or Sarah had gone out like that with no interview?! Not even any handcuffs ala Jamie O Hara! No Emma coming into the house! What a dud. It's so half arsed. Did they run out of budget? Spent it all on the marble laminate in the Vault? So do we have to sit through a Barry interview tomorrow now, when there's still six people left in the house? I hope it's gonna be a long show or they're gonna have to evict these motherfuckers in threes.
Oh well, hopefully Sam will be coming out sixth now. My dream order to go out would be Sam, Amelia, Derek, Sarah, Jemma, Chad. So wait for that to not happen!
I'm busy tomoz so won't be blogging but we'll be podding on Saturday (our most recent one is here) and going through all the last few days of horror and the no doubt outrageous outcome. I just wanna see Chad beat Sarah. And Jemma beat Sarah. And Sarah's face. But I do think Sarah deserves to be in the top three. She's done a lot in there and has been very entertaining. I keep reading it's a dud year, but I've enjoyed it with no Geordie Shore idiots ruining my experience.
Enjoy the final! See you on the other side. 

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Kitchen sunk

Vinnie Jones
James C
A double eviction! Ooh, who will it be? As it all ends on Friday, the drama isn't that exciting. There's still life in this old dog but they're putting it down too soon! 
Who goes, you decide? Shouldn't that be 'who stays, you decide'?
Hope Chad doesn't go, but Americans haven't fared well so far. Up for eviction is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sam, Sarah and Sandi. I hope Sarah, Chad and Jemma stay. The others are deadweight. 
There's not really the cameraderie of Rose Cottage and Thorn Cottage this season, is there?
Jemma wants a role in Helen's sitcom. Two things that are never going to happen.
Sarah wants to travel and have a family. Perhaps stop smoking and drinking non-stop first.
Chad on their fictional daughter: 'We shall name her Megatron. Or Laquesha.' Why is he not running in the other direction? Chad is a masochist, I believe. Who would put up with that?
Who spray tanned Sam? I just switch off when he's on screen. He 'looks like a racoon'. He looks like a buffoon. Oh it was Jemma, ha.
Sarah is quizzing Chad on his relationship history. His longest relationship is one year. His shortest will probably be this one with Sarah.
Sarah and Chad are off with a bottle of red. Jemma: 'she's off with her second boyfriend' haha.
Jemma: 'The alcohol stealers.' Derek: 'I had a little drop. They're holding onto it.' Shut up, Derek, you drip. They offered you a glass. Then Jemma goes and swipes it, ha. Jemma is just constantly on the look out for a row. Now Paul Danan has gone, she's lost.
Jemma to Chad: 'You're secluding yourself as people don't want to sit with you. Go sit in the bedroom.' He can sit where he wants. I don't get why everyone is so grumpy with their relationship! Let them be.
Big Brother is playing Girls Aloud to get Sarah out of bed. Her dancing with a broom, well, it's not much different to Cheryl, is it? Positive Sarah airtime just before the vote closes, nice one, BB.
Derek's getting in the pool in his speedos, phwoar! Lol.
God, what is Barry and Helen's problem with Sarah and Chad? I'd rather watch Sarah and Chad's mental relationship than Helen and Barry moaning about it. They're even grumbling about Derek going in the hot tub with them. Moaning about Derek's speedo airtime! He's not even up for eviction, you boring old bags, leave him alone.
OMG the crowd chanting 'get Sarah out'. She's going to melt! Why cheer Sam and Sandi! They're useless. Sarah is being entertaining! Although, what is she wearing?
OMG, it was Sandi and Helen evicted! They both look so shocked to go! They are so smug! I love it when the cheers don't reflect the votes. And they get the old Janice Battersby and Mario Falcone treatment! Two by two, the ultimate indignity! And the others acting like it's not real. It's real! Sandi: 'Keep the kitchen clean!' It's not your kitchen, so bye!
Sandi and Helen both thought they were a cut above and annoyed the hell out of me, so I think it's great the entertainment has been kept in.
Sandi saying she was shocked to go, how vain! I guess Helen didn't sell her wares well enough at the trade fair.Then admits she's dull. How is the sitcom going to get made at this rate?
Sandi going on about the kitchen... no one cares! Saves us sitting through two boring interviews, I guess. I'm surprised so many people on Twitter are upset Sandi went. What did she actually do except Vinnie Jones up the kitchen? She did nothing! Helen did less than nothing. Byeeeeeee.
Helen can't even remember Sandi's name. Says it all.
Haha Chad livening up Helen's best bits: 'Helen's awesome but I probably wouldn't date her.' Lol. 
They both got paid thousands to be in there and weren't entertaining. Say what you like about Sarah: she's carried the show. Her, Chad and Jemma deserve to be in the final.
PS: Check out our latest podcast, it's had over a thousand listens (fuck knows why). Oh, I think it was because I forgot to put it on iTunes for half a day. But still. That's a shitload of listens. Thank you so much if one of them was you, although you've now given me stage fright for the next one!
Chad to win!

Sunday, 20 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: No Netflix and no chill

Oh, wow
Oh my God, guys, yesterday's Big Brother was too good! After the idiot general public voted out Brandi and Paul Danan in one night, I lost faith in you. I lost faith in us as a society, as I saw Barry and Helen circling the garden, complaining about the only people providing any entertainment.
But then we had Chad and Sarah announcing they were ON. And while I'm not a fan of showmances, I am a fan of people acting like drunken fucking messes and making dicks of themselves. Their drunken row was magic, from the singing, to the egg eating, to the 'miss you' and 'fuck off'. Boy, is Chad in over his head. And Sarah is making SUCH a fool of herself. Mentioning marriage? With Mr Flirty Pants off the Bachelorette? She's not so much drunk as in-fucking-sane.
Seeing the truth slowly dawning on Chad's face was just delicious too, but I think as long as he's getting his belt unbuckled in the bathroom, he's down (literally). It's a shame there's only a week left and it's a shame we only have one villian left as I think there's at least another two week's worth of drama to go. Barry, Helen and Derek need taking to the glue factory. Boring bastards. Helen going it's not 'the time and place to be funny' in the house. You're getting a platform every night for a month! If that's not the time, when is the time! Fail! Casting fail. Personality fail. Get out.
Anyway, onto tonight's show. Barry: 'Eating doesn't bother me.' Liar! Barry doesn't look like one of these 'too busy to eat' people. He's not a 'square of chocolate' man.
Sarah to Chad: 'Are you still in a strop?' Chad: 'I don't know what that means.' Haha.
Sarah is mental. That dog dressing gown needs BURNING. I'll burn it with her in it if needs be. Sarah hugging Chad and saying she's the bigger person. She is a piece of WORK.
Chad in the DR: 'I wasn't going to eat the meat, she's acting like a fortune teller.' He doesn't have trust with Sarah. They only started going out yesterday and he doesn't trust her already! He's not going to eat for a couple of days (except some random eggs in the storeroom, no doubt). He doesn't want to eat too much butter and potatoes that Sandi makes.
Why is Sandi stirring about Chad! Shut up. Sandi gets on my nerves now. I didn't like the way she was with Brandi either.
Sarah is accusing CHAD of sulking. Sarah is a one woman sulk.Sarah makes Cheryl Cole look friendly.
Sam to Amelia: 'You're a ray of sunlight on a rainy day.' You're a twat ruining my programme.
Big Brother has called housemates to The Vault. That used to be a crap nightclub I went to in Northampton. I can still smell the dry ice and poppers now.
So they are just nominating, so what's all the palaver about? They have to put their two noms in the safety deposit boxes. Why? Why not just the normal DR noms? They have spent about 100 times more on The Vault than the Diary Room chair, that's for sure.
Amelia nominated Chad for eating and Sarah for shouting at her. Derek nominated Jemma for saying disgusting words, haha. At least she doesn't defraud grieving people.  And Sarah for drinking alcohol. Women hater. 'She can't help it, poor love.' Snake. Sorry, ssssssnake.
Chad nommed Sandi cos of foods and Jemma for causing rows.
Helen nominated Sam (woo!) for putting the horses head in her bed. She's disappointed in him. I'm disappointed in her as a housemate. She also nommed Sarah for being a different person 'in the evening' (ie. when she's shitfaced).
Sam nominated 'The Harding' for lying that she and Chad were just friends and 'The Chad' for needind to smell Sarah. Mmm. What must she smell of? Fags and rum, I reckon.
Sarah basically saying that Sarah should nominate Sandi to make him happy, what a sneak! She didn't rise to it, though.
Sarah nominated Helen (good!) for not cleaning and Jemma for causing friction. So she didn't do what Chad wanted, haha.
Jemma nominated Sarah for saying horrible things and being unstable (like herself) and Chad. Aw, Chad is my favourite.
Barry nommed Sarah cos she has her partner in there! She has her NEW partner in there anyway. Don't be bitter, glitter, Barry. And Chad for the same reason. What is Barry's problem with the showmances? Does he not love love? He's only in there for another week! Chill the fuck out.
Sandi nommed Chad for late night eating and Sarah for moaning about everything. 'She's happy go lucky but she's not taking full advantage of it.' How can you be happy go lucky and moaning all the time?
Helen is feeling lonely. Well, you know where the door is. I have no sympathy for her. You're getting paid well to do a month in there. It's not a particularly volatile house. You're not in there with Bear. Shut up.
The oldies are talking about pop socks and petticoats, FFS. The highlights feel thin tonight. It's a shame as last night was so good.
Jemma is asking Sam to choose between his ex and Amelia. I don't know who his ex is but I don't care about Amelia, so whatever. She is saying she likes him in the DR. Honestly, I couldn't care less.
Sam admits he still likes his ex to Jemma. The only thing Sam likes is the sound of his own voice.
Ok, they are showing them the noms now. The little doors are opening in The Vault. At least they are showing them how many nominations they got each. Jemma got three, Chad got five and Sarah got seven.
Lol, all housemates who got one nomination are up, haha. What a fix. I fucking love it. Get someone (boring) out. So up is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sandi, Sarah and Sam. Helen makes James C look exciting. Derek and Barry are just as bad.
Chad is going a bit Karthik saying to Sarah: 'Go put on a dress'. Ha. Sarah: 'It's what's inside that counts.' You're fucked on that front, too, then. Chad: 'Go put on a shiny dress.'
Amelia to Sam: 'When did you realise you first liked me?' I don't think he does, mate.
Sarah has realised everyone nominated her, even Derek. 'It's a witchhunt, I feel so deceived.' I liked it when she said she assumed Chad didn't nominate her. Give them another two weeks in there, and I think he would!
Sam is 'scared of underpromising and overdelivering.' Has he worked in a call centre? More shades of Karthik!
Time for Sarah and Chad to 'Netflix and chill' with no Netflix and definitely no chill. More like Prosecco and regret.
Night camera sexy time! Chad: 'This is hard.' No doubt. 'Can you feel that there? Yes that there.' What there? 
How can you get it on with Derek snoring like that? Not sexy! Hardly a conducive ambience. And why the eye masks? Kink?
The worst part was Sarah rubbing his cock NOT EVEN under the covers. Even Steven Goode did 'open it' with his robot wife undercover. It just looks seedy, and I am NOT in the habit of slutshaming. He should have known better, too. And the way they cut to the others snoring and sleeping is just the anti sexy, haha. Still, I am enjoying watching the utter car crash of it all. They're the only two in there doing anything, and if anything means rubbing cock while wearing eyemasks, I guess that's what we'll have to deal with!
Hopefully podcast tomorrow! Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading. 

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Hunting for witches (and snakes)

Out here drinking allllll the tea
Apologies to anyone who listened to our last podcast, I was dying on air. Thanks to Gaz for holding things together. I'm still not feeling great, but I seem to be blogging the evictions at least!
Wow, if you did a drinking game for every time someone says SNAKES on Big Brothers' worldwide, you'd be Gazza right now. Snakes everywhere! Sorry, sssssssnakes everywhere! But where's the sound effect, BBUK? You need to have a word with Julie Chen and the guys at CBS.
Brandi is getting annoyed with Sandi. I think I am as well. I don't think the pairing of Jemma and Brandi is particularly pleasant but at least it's entertaining. Everyone else is being fake nice or putting on an act or some bullshit. God, it's such a unlikeable house than when you slag off one person on Twitter, people end up presuming you like Paul Danan or something. I mean, come on. All the fencesitters in the middle are driving me mad, and everyone else is a cunt. It's slim pickings! Who is there to root for... Barry?
Paul getting Sandi to tell Jemma to leave him alone, what a fucking baby.
Jemma: 'Paul wants to stir his little pot and stroke his pet rat.' I think Paul wants to smoke a little pot, that's for sure. Where's the pet rat at? Oh, his top knot, most likely. Paul's the oldest hipster on record.
'The housemates are playing a game of celebrity spin the bottle.' How is that different from regular spin the bottle? Oh it has a bit of glitter on it.
Sam and Barry re-enacting his death scene... well he said he wanted to when he went in. Or was that Jordan? I get the two over-excitable muppets confused.
Sarah doesn't want to snog everyone in the house... just Jemma and Chad. Sarah didn't look that annoyed when Chad snogged Jemma, it was no Nikki Grahame watching Pete and Aisleyne kiss. Jemma 'You're basically Chad's bird.' Jemma stomping off and kicking something because Sarah wouldn't kiss Sam for a dare? Why?!
Jemma: 'You've got a boyfriend and you're fucking kissing Chad anyway.' That much is true.
Sarah has had enough. She's been tested to her limits. I don't know why she's even angry. She's having a go at Sam and Jordan for some reason. She's a total nutcase. At least Jemma owns being a lunatic. Sarah pretends she's actually decent when she's the dodgiest one in there, in more ways than one. Trying to redeem your image by getting shitfaced and snogging someone who isn't your boyfriend isn't exactly what your agent would suggest, I'd imagine.
Jemma: 'Get the fuck off me' to Jordan, haha. Sarah: 'You need to stop drinking' to Jemma. So do you. Sarah is pissy cos she snogged Chad, end of story. 'Enough is enough!' Yes, enough with you pretending to be Miss Innocent. OWN YOUR SHIT.
Oh, Sam is saying Sarah's annoyed cos Jemma snogged Chad during spin the bottle. That makes sense.
Sarah in the DR: 'I've got my own stuff to deal with, I don't need it thrown in my face on TV. What started off as fun, ends up in a tragic fucking war and I'm in the firing line every time.' Cos you're the root of it all, you psychotic bitch! God, she's driving me up the wall. You're making me feel sorry for Cheryl racist Cole at this point!
Big Brother has decided not to give the housemates anymore alcohol cos they're all alcoholics and mental and they're probably worried someone's gonna do a Kim Woodburn or a Deborah.
Jemma is dead right that Sarah plays the victim. Sarah to Sam: 'This is becoming a witchhunt.' Let's hold her under the water in the hot tub just to make sure. Haha, her calling Sam and Jordan warped. They haven't done anything! Sarah is a mental. End of story. I hope she watches this back and realises. Sarah: 'You guys have to change your tunes.' They're just two immature little dickbrains! You're ten years older and having a breakdown. You need to change your tune.
Jordan: 'You get too pissed every night.' Haha. Sarah nicking her fags back. 'I was out here drinking tea last night.' If you don't have a problem with drink, you don't have to point out the nights you didn't drink. Because you don't notice.
Jordan: 'None of us can drink now because of you. You're ruining everyone's night, every night.' Look at Jordan's too short trousers with his little red socks. Hard to take him seriously, really. And he has a bandage on his arm. Wanking?
What does Chad see in Sarah exactly? She's just awful. Even Amelia Lily has lost her shit. Amelia zero storyline Lily has lost her shit with Sarah.
Amelia: 'Well, we're not allowed anymore alcohol.' Sarah: 'GO AWAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!' Amelia: 'It's fucking disgusting being spoken to like that, talking to me like a piece of shit, fucking arsehole.' I think Amelia wanted another can of rum and coke.
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink (oh you can't, as they've had it confiscated cos Sarah is loopy). Then Chad snogs her in the loo trying to comfort her and she says 'let's get back in the friend zone.' I mean, he's in the wrong taking advantage of a drunk, crying mental case, but she is mixed messages galore. Their 'relationship' is fucked and a half. Chad looks genuinely bemused.
Looks cosy in that 'friend zone' in bed, doesn't it? Kissy kissy! Oh, they're just keeping warm, I'm sure.
Nice to see all the women getting booed and the men not, as usual. Eww.
Ooh, the two safe are... Helen and Gemma. OMG Sarah and Chad's FACES. It was like the anti Ika and Demetres crab eyes of joy when Neda was finally up on BBCAN. Amazing moment. Chad knows he's in for a night of moaning now, haha.
Sam and Jordan are no more! Cry me a river! Fuck off, fake reality twats. OMG the crowd are chanting get Sarah out. I can't believe it. They actually agree with me! Makes a bloody change!
It's a shame Jordan went over Sam, but let that be yet another message to BB that we don't want these scripted reality people in there. I mean, how did Helen get more votes than him?! I know she's more famous, but who is ringing in?
OMG at Jordan's embroidered jacket saying he was the winner. He's no Roger Federer, is he? Fail. The yellow socks and the yellow suit, too. Why!
Emma: 'I've never seen Ex on the Beach.' Burn.
Jordan: 'I thought going in there... everyone hates reality stars.' Weeeelll.
It's a shame for Jordan (not us) that he went in a way, as no one would have bothered nominating him if he hadn't been up due to that task. But I'm glad not to watch the bullshit bromance crap anymore.
I just realised I haven't been paying attention to this interview. Oh well. I did hear Emma say 'predictament' instead of 'predicament.'
Jordan saying Sarah is a nightmare and he hates her, haha. 'She's meant to be a role model, getting pissed, kicking off and hiding fags.' I hate Emma trying to turn it back on Jemma. He wasn't talking about Jemma! Jordan: 'This whole Chad thing is bullshit.' Yes!!! Emma can't deal when someone decides to speak the truth for once.
Ooh, just noticed Emma's outfit. Quite nice. Makes a change. That was fun! I'm enjoying the Sarah/ Chad/ Danan/ Jemma dynamic. It's an absolute car crash, but it sure does make good TV!

Friday, 11 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Two birds, eight pack, cock out

Blog fans! You'll be happy to know I can't podcast right now because I'm sick and have lost my voice! I can only make victim croaks. But I have a fab new laptop so I'm going to be blogging my little socks off. But first! Let me get a vodka. You can put vodka in Lemsip, right?
Emma has a repreating pattern on but I'm not sure if I like it yet.
It's the morning after the nightly Sarah vs Paul smackhead crackdown. Derek is worried Sarah is 'sitting in the negative corner' ie. the smoking area. Kartik is brushing his teeth IN THE GARDEN. This is a new low! Where is the sink? Is he going to spit it onto the astroturf? ANIMAL.
Trisha: 'If I have to stay in this house with Sarah I'm going to self evict.' I can see her point. Sarah's one woman pity party is tiring. Even Derek and Barry nommed her. I just wish they told them the totals. She would have gone nuclear. All these bitches on Twitter feeling sorry for her! Fuck that. That's what she wants! And no, that doesn't mean I'm on Paul's side. I'm on no side, as they are all uncivil as fuck. I've seen politer arguments outside Wetherspoons.
Trisha: 'I know some vampires.' Jemma: 'So they kill people?' Trisha: 'You have to go on the dark web to find out about them.' Well they wouldn't be on the light web, would they?
Helen can't be bothered to talk in sentences anymore. I know the feeling.
Jordan telling Chad he did well to stick up for Sarah. Narcissists stick together.
I liked Jemma at first but she's constantly bitching. She moans about Sarah being negative but she's just as bad.
Trisha could do with some Dove Summer Glow. I'm a similar colour to her and it just makes you look less translucent. It's not tan, just a body lotion. I recommend it to pasty people.
Chad is 'just going to not wear pants today'. I like Chad best when he's just chatting to Trisha.
Sandi has to do a task where she has to be the best at everything ie. one upping everyone and winning Tina Turner songs in return.
Sarah bragging about her massage skills, her 'strong thumbs' and then singing her past hits with Sandi. She's quite tragic at times.
Trisha saying she wants to be boring so she gets evicted. I just voted for her! Wish I hadn't now. Zzz. Sandi is trying to make her twerk. What is it with Big Brother and twerking. They are more obsessed with it than cats ears.
Sandi now has to make Barry do something but I wasn't paying attention. I can't be fucked to rewind. Doesn't seem worth it.
Karthik has never met anyone like Trisha who just orders in food and makes her living off YouTube.
What happened with Chad and Amelia? Now he's after Sarah but he's playing the long game, ha. 'If I go home tomorrow it won't happen.' Is he storylining to stay in?!
Trisha's underboob looks sore.
Sarah and Paul are making up AGAIN. Sarah is blaming Jemma for everything. Eek, Paul Danan's top knot. Yucksville.
I just saw the bottom of Emma's dress. Fuck NO.
We're about to hear 'highly offensive language that is not for the faint hearted'. Ooh. Let's see if my heart can take it. Pass the smelling salts.
Sam said 'Trisha looks like she's permanently about to have a download.' What does that mean? Did I mishear?
Then Brandi said to Sam 'you're such a little a cunty whore'?. He sure is.
Chad has 'fashioned himself some new hooves.'
Why is Brandi apologising to Sam so hard? Who cares? He IS a little cunty fame whore and a nipple flicking twat. He wouldn't even still be there if Jemma had complained about him, as she should have done. I think Sam is dragging the idiot Jordan down, and that's saying something.
Tina Turner disco! Derek's dancing is good. Not really. Looks like he's about to take off. Are there too many oldies in the house? I think one or two in their fifties is fine, and people in their thirties are good, but Barry, Derek, Karthik, Shaun, Helen... it feels a bit top heavy. I'm not ageist, I love old man Jerry and Kim Woodburn. I just don't want to hear a bunch of oldies moaning about their arthritis. We have Christmas in BB19 for that.
Paul on Chad: 'Two birds, eight pack, cock out.'
Why is Trisha jealous about Chad smoking with Sarah? He smoked three cigarettes straight, haha. Trisha sounds mental. She's got Chad on lockdown.
Trisha calling Chad a fake. Jemma's ONLY storyline is hating on Sarah. I like Sarah's dress today. Is Amelia still on the show? Now her fake love triangle has died I haven't seen her.
The rose cat ears are next level grim. BURN THEM, BIG BROTHER.
Jemma could start an argument in an empty room. I still don't know what about. Oh, cos someone said 'are you still going on about it?' Was it Paul? It's not worth rewinding is it. This episode is just not worth rewinding on any level.
Jemma is bitching to Derek. Perhaps he can put her in a more positive seating area. Calling Paul 'a fucking little rat', haha. I actually feel sorry for Derek having to deal with these neurotic bitches (that includes Paul).
What is the drunk mess Jemma wearing? A wonky vest, bra and some weird jogging bottoms. Paul: 'Don't threaten me, you're not a bloke.' Ha. Jemma: 'You're a little snakey rat.' *cue snake sound effect* Paul: 'Don't step up to me like that, you aint no gangster.'
Jemma: 'Take your silly little shades off.' Haha. There's no prison sentence long enough for Jemma and Paul's collective fashion crimes.
Paul: 'All this rat shit? If someone steps up to me like that they'd be on their fucking arse.' Rat shit? Rachet more like.
Those were actually entertaining highlights for an eviction episode, the last part, anyway.
Safe are Sarah and Chad! They didn't even hear it at first. Was nice when they hugged although I do think he's playing up the showmance because he knows she's popular. So it's out of Karthik and Trisha to go. Ooh! I wonder who will go? God, Sam is such a knob.
Not another American woman out, please! Ooh it was Karthik. Oh well. No loss. I haven't found him entertaining or interesting but Trisha needs to do something now.
Karthik's probably happy to be out of the mad house. Are there going to be more adverts now? What a joke.
Karthik doing 'just got off the boat' jokes. I think his heart is in the right place, he just seems a bit of an odd duck. But apparently he was good on The Apprentice but I don't watch it anymore.
I heard that Sarah has a boyfriend actually! Interesting. She does seem quite chummy with Chad now. Does HE know she's got a boyfriend?
Karthik doesn't know if he's going to be a celebrity or going back to being an IT guy. Let me see.
We never even got to wax his monobrow. I don't mind his turquoise jeans, though.
WTF Big Brother is on at half ten tomorrow because of the football but is showing on 5* at 9? WEIRD. I wouldn't be surprised if they just stuck it all on 5* like they did with BOTS the other night. I missed BOTS that night! Dumb. They don't give a fuck.
The pod will be back when my voice is back! Love ya.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't know what the public wanted from me

No caption required
So I'm back, baby, for the first eviction. I hope it's not Marissa! She does't deserve to be up. Or Trisha, but that goes without saying. I also hope it's not Karthik for obvious reasons, although I don't like him as a person generally (just dropped my lady card there), I felt for him as a human trying to reason with an erratic, racist, ranting and orange Paul Danan.
I have been enjoying the series on the whole so far EXCEPT Jordan and Sam's pathetic friendship AND the Chad/ Amelia and Sam 'love triangle.' I have been entertained by Sarah Harding's meltdowns and the racist and sexist bits because it's real world stuff, not fake reality BS. That's the Big Brother I enjoy.
Emma looks a bit 'end of pier Elvis' tonight, not great following last week's vavavoom. 
Karthik and Chad both getting heavy boos.
Have you noticed Sarah has a fake posh DR voice like when you're on the phone at work?
I'm not sure what Danan is even moaning about when he says Sarah took it too far. Sarah: 'I have eyes in the back of my head and one beady eye on Paul.' Is that one from the back of your head or one of your front two? Eww, Sarah's cats pee on things. That's unusual cat behaviour. Cats don't normally do that unless they're old or ill. Get Jackson Galaxy in.
Jordan is bitching because Marissa said she openly wanted a showmance with him. His fake principles make me lol. He wanted a 'real casual kiss.' What even is that? A kiss is just a kiss, Jordan! Then: 'My nan always said why stick to one book when you have a library?' Is your nan a goer, Jordan? Paul: 'she was never going to move to Wales' before perving on Marissa's 'box splits' (eww).
Ha, they just played the first clip again because they're dumbos. I'm surprised Emma could style it out so well without her cue cards.
I really want to get on board with Karthik but he's annoying as fuck. Marissa's accent is amazing! I feel like they just put a different chip in her. 'These people aren't going to be your friends.' I believe it when she says it, unlike when Josie said it. 'Sometimes you have to flex to get respect.'
Paul went down to Compton 'why do you think' and pretended he had a gun in his pocket. 'I mean, Iove NWA and all that.' Tsk, white people!
Derek is asking Sarah about 'the Irish one' from Girls Aloud. Sarah: 'Yeah we FaceTime.' At least SHE'S not in the house. That accent only works on Jamie Dornan. Sarah, just say they're a bunch of cunts and none of them speak to you anymore, we don't care. In fact, we'd like you more.
Jemma is bitter (not glitter) because Sarah once had a career but now she's just like them, with a month free in the summer.
Oh I remembered why Paul is upset now, cos she said about him being an addict. Does Paul Danan still drink, or is he still drunk from back in the day?
Sandi is getting so little airtime! Ooh, Sandi is saying Sarah is 'drinking and behaving in a certain manner.' How long before they show this on the screens.
Sarah: 'I'm trying to change people's perceptions of me.' Paul: 'Then don't drink then.' If Paul Danan is telling you this, listen. Paul: 'You wouldn't drink on a job.' Maybe she would. Sarah drinks 'in moderation'. She obviously needs it to cope. Paul: 'You're going to get that mash up..' Mash up, ha. 90s talk! Paul is worried that he made a fool of himself on Love Island. You're making a fool of yourself now, fucknut. Paul: 'I see myself in you.' Maybe he is trying to help her, in his own way? I'm not sure, but I think he might be. Twitter says otherwise but if you're an alcoholic you CAN'T have one drink, that's the point. One leads to two, just ask George Galloway.
How can Paul be sober yet still sound so fucking drunk?! Telling Amelia to have a rebound relationship with Sam. Please don't.
Sam saying Marissa wore tighter clothes and cuddled up to Jordan to stave off eviction. Sam wouldn't mind her cuddling up to him, though.
Marissa 'just wants to vibe' with Jordan and be in the moment (and then in the magazine deal). Jordan: 'It sounded like you just might be using me.' I'm sure a lot of guys would love to be used by her, what is this idiot's problem? Did he want to marry all of the 1,500 girls he shagged? Was he 'just using' any of them? Tool.
Chad booed, Karthik booed, Marissa half and half, Sarah cheered (and emotional), Trisha booed. I like Trisha's glittering sea cape. Chic!
Safe are Trisha, Chad and Sarah! So it's either Karthik or Marissa to go. I hope it's not Karthik now, argh.
Karthik has his coat in his hand. I wish I'd voted for him now. Lol, someone in the crowd shouted 'get Paul out' and Paul went 'alright dude'.
Marissa got evicted! Trisha's face at that point was a picture, lol. In fact, I'll use that as my picture. Karthik 'what the hell?' Marissa: 'I fucking knew it.' Oh well, fuck that showmance. Let's have some more racism for me to get angry about, it's more interesting. At least the public voted the right way.
Marissa is dragging her feet. You're gonna get no interview at this rate. Ooh, Marissa ia grumpy. I actually voted to save her but then regretted it, haha.
Marissa looks stunning but is a bad loser, and I guess we're tired of showmances. Self proclaimed underdog. You weren't!
'I didn't know what the public wanted from me' and nor should you! You have no fanbase out here. Ooh, that is true, Barry put her up. I don't think she would have been up otherwise.
Emma mentioning the American version like she knows. She doesn't know these BB streets.
I like Emma's glittery eye make up. Marissa's lip is twitching like she wants to cry.
Hopefully this is a trend, that we'll get rid of the dull showmancers. I would love to see Sam get the boot next.
Marissa: 'Do you guys want something to happen?' about her and Jordan. Will you fuck him if we ask you to? Honestly, make up your own mind!
And then going 'should I have started arguments?' Argh! No! Just be normal.
Ooh this end bit with Jordan still carping about the magazine deal and it not being 'real'. You're riddled! Stop acting, you little bitch!
I do think it's a shame to lose Marissa, but it's a shame to lose most people at this point. The person we really don't want to lose? Paul Danan. Yep, you heard right. We need the madness.
Our latest CBB podcast is here for those who listen! BB19 coming tomorrow.