Friday, 22 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Pussy off

Evening all! It's been a long week on Borehamwood Towers and I haven't had the energy to blog. Yet here I am, on a Friday night. I'm so cool.
Emma Willis looks cute. Has she got a new stylist? I liked Noel Gallagher on stylists: 'for people who've forgotten how to dress themselves.' It's a fair comment.
Not sure yellow is Sarah's colour, and Adjoa's hair seems to be channelling Diana Ross (racist). At least we can trust Eileen to look normal, lol.
Is Aaron sexually harrassing Joel? I think he is. But I think Joel likes it. If not, Joel needs to make it clear he doesn't. Otherwise, I'm calling him 'open'. A virgin? Sounds like a closet case to me. I don't get all these virgins. What do they spend their teen years doing?! I like Aaron, he's a great housemate. Top notch entertainment. Northampton FTW! Shame he's going to get evicted in about 10 seconds flat the first chance he goes up.
Sarah has had a flannel wash. I wonder where she put the flannel after? I haven't used a flannel in years. They're like tea towels for the face. Unhygienic. I don't want Sarah to go! But I don't want the others to go either! I hate you JackJoe, you annoying twerp.
Nick: 'Do you hate fakeness?' to Jade about Eileen. Personally, I love it.
Not another shitstir task, oh I mean, a debate. Jade has been sent from Hell to get on my last nerve. Nick: 'I hate public speaking.' What's going on Big Brother if not public speaking?
Jade: 'There's only room for one spiritual person in this house.' Doesn't sound too spiritual to me! Spiritual one upping. Mind you, that sounds like most religions actually.
LOL to Danny vs Harriet. Thick on thick crime. 'Fuck off', 'No you fuck off' ha. Mature! I hope one of them punches the other one. Actually, similtaneously so we can ditch both of them. Do a Jeremy, please.
Harriet playing the 'I'm a lady!' card. I was midway through writing a tweet saying she was going to say it before she said it. Pathetic. You're not a woman. You're not even a human. This was swiftly cancelled out by Danny saying she should 'show him respect' as a man. These two make pond life look sophisticated. Amoebas have more chutzpah.
Well, the producers got what they wanted, all out war. I'm enjoying Adjoa's sheer shirt/pink bra combo. Adjoa to Keiran: 'If you've been to Tenerife, you've been to Elevenerife.' Classic. I hope that line is enough to save her!
One of the Busto twins looks like her head is about to pop off. Not sure what about. I'm sure she's got a good reason, lol. Her boyfriend is going to be jealous of Joel or something? God knows. They're probably missing Twinnie Towers. Don't worry Twin Boyfriend, Joel is gay as a window.
Joel calling Aaron fake! How dare he when the botox bitches are in that house! Did Aaron call one of the twins a two faced bitch? If so, crown him the winner immediately.
Joel is being a right dick to Aaron. He's pulling his pigtails essentially.
Why is Danny dressed like a snooker player? He's forgotten to sew on his BetFred patch.
Jade vs Eileen, ding ding. Ahhh... who cares?
Friends and family can fuck off. The racist public booing Adjoa's friend. Sick. Christ, look at Eileen's friend. How come she doesn't get booed? I am getting really pissed off now. What has Adjoa done? Oh I know... she's BLACK! And she's gay as well! Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? UKIP generation. Jim-to-win fans. Suck it up.
Danny 'don't like being belittled.' I love it myself.
I don't care about this row between Jade and Eileen. Dull as fuck. Although I did like Eileen saying 'I'm not even bloody spiritual!' Ha. She should have told Jade that. Nah, actually let her sweat.
I love Keiran always trying to be peacemaker. 'You can bring a donkey to a well but you can't make it drink.' Genius. He could be my dark horse (not in a racist way!)
Spin the bottle. Standard. Aaron: 'How big is your cock?' to Danny. 'It's average.' This means he's got a maggot, right?
Does this Amy fancy Joel? They are playing chase. Is she in a love triangle with him and Aaron? She looks like their mum.
Who's face is redder, Jack normally or Twin A or B when she's shouting about god knows what? There's only one way to find out etc. FIGHT!
Jack's arse crack. Dear God. That's the podcast image sorted then. GIF websites across the UK just crashed under the weight of Jack's enormo buttocks.
Adjoa is so beautiful! Nick holding hands with Eileen lol. I literally can't believe Adjoa is out. Pathetic. I am disgusted with the alleged great British public. Pure fuckeries. Seriously. Have a word with yourselves.
Adjoa: 'I know exactly who I am.' I love that in a person. You weren't first out, you've forgotten Showbiz. Are they seriously shouting 'off' at Adjoa? Well one racist man is? I hope he dies on the way home. Glastoeve on Twitter summed it up the best 'Channel 5, sort out your disgusting baying mob.'
The men evicted Adjoa cos they couldn't fuck her. And the crowd are shouting at her cos they can't fuck her.
Glad Adjoa gave it back to them a bit. She was ROBBED. Criminal she's gone. She was great in her interview.
And then Jade picked Nick and Aaron for something or other. Oh, Maccys and KFC. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Jade is sucking the crap out of Nick's game. And I think Aaron said the food was cold, lol. Nothing worse than cold fries!
And yes, I'm saving the obvious Adjoa pun for the podcast... coming tomorrow as Mr Bile is working tonight! See you then.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Carget on your Jack

Emma is looking fiiiine tonight. Still, no excuse for the way she treated Hazel, lol.
So it seems to me whoever we vote to win is gonna have to kick someone out tonight. That could be a double edged sword. It's a short journey from top of the tree to out the door on your ear; that's showbiz etc.
Eileen: 'Morning great British public.' I think you meant idiot general public. Strawberry jam-alogy.
Why is Aaron crying, cos Chloe doesn't like him? Who cares. I don't even know who Chloe is. I like Aaron's PJ bottoms, they're like technicolour bricks.
Aaron is blowing Chloe's mind with his frilly socks and 'trainers with tails' on. You don't get that in Doncaster. Well in Northampton that's considered conservative.
LOL Joel has to go on the exercise bike ala Calum. Is that five hundred bananas in the basket? This task is cheap as fuck.
Christian taking his top off to go on that bike is groo. He makes me SICK.
'Got a really good rack on her, innit.' Great chat up line, Keiran.
Jade: 'Danny's soul is so gentle.' Er, OK. Get your buttcheeks off the diary room chair, Gary Busey wouldn't get away with that. Where's James Jordan when you need him?
Ted is shooting paintballs at Aaron. Another cheap as fuck task, they probably had that dry wipe board out the back. Numberwang!
Gary Busey pretending to be afraid of balloons was better. Who's really scared of balloons? I believe those people who jerk off with balloons more.
Troll talk; one of the twins has got a baggy fanny and a lopsided face. And that's the attractive one. Wait til you come out! There'll be so many trolls under your bridge you and your sister will be trip-trapping all the way to The Priory, faster than Billy Goats Gruff.
Nick admitting to being a troll, lol. We want to know who he trolled! He's kicking his gameplan up a notch. He shouldn't say that though as it gives people a reason to vote for you.
Does Danny wear fake tan? No, he's naturally orange. Bitch, please.
Technotronics with fish guts? Why has she got goggles on? Health and safety? What is it in the bucket? I don't know what's going on. Where's Maaaaark when you need him?
Danny will hereforth be known as canoe. With an upside down U. That's his nickname sorted at least. We thought 'misogyny' would have been better but the cunt can probably spell that as he's got an A in it.
'Who are ya!' The new 'You fell over!' I fell over at work the other day and both my shoes fell off. Stylish.
Jack and Joe....l are in the bath. LOL to Joel chucking a drink over Aaron. A friend of mine isn't speaking to me for doing that to someone last week. I think in the bath you get a pass, though. You're wet anyway. WARNING! Call Offcom etc.
They had to draw the line at chucking around the maxi muscle though. Cristian stepped in to save it, like a poor man's Luke Scrace.
I like that Joel, he's kind of cheeky. 20 minutes in bed is fine! He's gonna get slung out on his ear within the week.
Adjoa's finger fucking chat is amazing. She's pretty to the point. Chloe: 'Where do you find 'em?' 'All over.'
Do people really say pussy? LOL. I don't, it's gross. Adjoa is a self-proclaimed 'black gay.' I love her.
Cristian working out with a pillow on his back was brilliant - a reverse Jay McCrae. This has picked up in the last ten minutes.
Bhahaha Cristian the Maxi Muscle merchant is crying because the girls were picking on him! LOLZ. OMG even Danny's slagging him off. Brilliant. What's wrong with him!? What a big girls' blouse. (Sexist). Him crying in the Diary Room with his sunnies on was pure joy.
So the vote to win is between Jack, Harriet and Danny. I don't even know who Harriet is, so how is that possible? Also, Danny. Er...
Harriet, shut your yap and listen FFS. I love the way my boyfriend walks out the room as Big Brother is going 3...2...1 and I have to pause it. Very considerate! Get my permission before you leave the room, please!
Jackjoe is the winner. Who will he evict? The series is over! If only, lol.
I like Aaron's pool ball outfit. That's hundo percent chic.
They're giving JackJoe a carget. Iris has had a demotion to a ten inch TV. Come back Pauline, all is forgiven.
JackJoe is so red in the face. Does he really think he's gonna get a BMW! Poor sod. He's gotta leave now to get it! Take the car and go. That would be too funny. Hold on, he can't even drive. As if they make the prize fund drop to nothing. Nonsense. That twist was whack. Should have made him evict someone on the spot. Oh, hold on.
Nick looks sick at having to nom face to face. He's always shaking, bless him. Feel sorry for him.
Nick nommed Adjoa and Sarah! Boo! Two strong women! Cos Sarah's a golddigger! Should have put Jack up cos he's got immunity and he's too popular! Flush out the immunity! Silly sod. Sarah took it quite well. She'll probably machete his balls off before the week is out.
Bilecast coming! See you then.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: I'm not at home

Today I've had some joker on Twitter telling me that 'lads' DO talk to each other like Dumb and Dumber 'when they're on their own.' Yeah, lads do. 12 year old lads and insecure little straight boys. Meanwhile, men who have had sex, or who have an IQ over 15, treat women like equals.
Yeah Jade, I'm sure they will let you share your luxury budget, because that would be interesting to watch, wouldn't it? Honestly, have you never seen Big Brother before?
Jade likes Kieran. Why? I do that thing he does where he accuses everyone of stealing something and then finds it a minute later, normally with pens at work.
Why is JackJoe up Cristan's arse all the time? Unlikely bromance of the weeeeeek.
I find the polyamorous thing so boring. Why do people act so surprised about it? 'My soul is free' = I like fucking around. Good for you. I don't blame you, but who cares? Obviously Cristian will care because women should be in the kitchen giving blowjobs to him and him only. But your sex life is your business. I couldn't care less. Bet she doesn't even snog anyone in there.
Aaron is not delivering so far as I'd hoped. I still like him but come on, you're from Northampton, and people shouted at you because you were gay? If you weren't down casualty every night with stitches you hadn't had a good night out in Northampton. Man up! (Man up is sexist terminology, I think Big Brother is rubbing off on me).
God, are they seriously telling Adjoa to sleep with a guy again? She doesn't want to 'sit on a dick.' How do you know you don't like getting your hand run over by a steamroller if you've never tried it? How do you know you don't like eating a razorblade sandwich if you've never tried it? How do you know you don't like having a frontal lobotomy if you've never tried it? I would be so offended if I was her, but she doesn't seem to care, so she must get it all the fucking time, poor sod.
Ah classic shitstir task, finding out the housemates secrets. Who's been in a porno? My money would be on Eileen, too. Kieran going: 'Would you hit that?' about Eileen. Dear God. I thought it was just Cristian and Danny we had to worry about. That is a new low, it really is. Gross. Can you imagine if women talked about men in that way? It's actually hard to, because it's so alien.
Why do they care if Sarah's a gold digger? She's not gonna bang you, Cristian. Rich or poor, you're a pig-faced thick little bitch.
Oh dear, God chat. It will never top Danielle nominating Ash for believing in evolution. That nomination should have been struck from the record.
Cristian proud he's been in the Daily Mail for going out with someone from Hollyoaks. There's a culture clash if ever I've seen one. But which is trashier?! Fight! I'm tired of writing his name. We need a nickname for him quick. Suggestions in the comments or on Twitter, please.
WTF Danny fulfilled a girl's dying wish by pretending to marry her? Look at him crying and acting like he has a heart. What a knob. Actually I remember this story of him pretending to be a groom. He seemed like a nice person then. Said dead woman currently now turning in her grave. Sad, if anything.
Is Cristian going bald? I think he's got a combover. Why does Danny care about golddigger-gate?  Oh, cos he fancies Sarah. This conversation got old fast. Danny likes Sarah on his terms. Obviously he's broke. I hate his attitude towards her. Way too much Cristian tonight. Where's my Nick?!
Twerking is so three years ago. Yawn.
I can't tell Harriet and Chloe apart. They seem like the same person to me.
Nick and Joel in the bath - sexy time! Nick is journeying already: a failed jockey in the bath with a Tory. Magical.
Danny hates Joel now as well as Aaron, basically everyone decent. Why has this prick always got his hood up? I wish he'd drop dead. At least Joel, Aaron and Nick are three dimensional characters. Danny isn't even humanoid. He's just Stale/ Kris/ Ricci/ JJ/ Antony Hutton all rolled into one. Like one of those keyrings you get with buttons on it that you press and it says eight different catchphrases. Except that says five more things than this no mark and it's not wearing girls sunglasses.
Harriet: 'I'm not at home.' That's how I feel when I'm on holiday. I don't find her interesting, and I don't agree with Big Brother going 'come on girl, it will be alright' to her. Big Brother should be impassive at all times. She can go see the counsellor if she needs spiritual guidance.
Podcast tomorrow so you'll get to hear what my boyfriend thinks. Hopefully he won't be all like 'Whoa look at the boobs on that bird! Sling one up the back of it!' But he is a man, so you never know, according to Twitter. So it's not just men being sexist towards women. It's men being sexist towards themselves, if they think that's how all men carry on. Not on my planet, mate. Not on my timeline, either. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: I like pussy

So, what did our scrap of live feed reveal? Adjoa is one to watch, there's something intriguing about her. Danny and Cristian are the new 'slutbuckets'/Jungle Cats, ie. sexist pricks. I quote: 'What's the fucking point of putting single women in here?' Yeah, what is the point in birds you can't bang, hey? Might as well be dead. Cristian actually reminds me of Kris, aka the Mighty Douche, that cunt who used to work in All Saints and was trying to fuck Princess Manky Teeth, who was in Rex's year. Watching him try and construct a conversation with JackJoePieface was criminal. 'Where'd you know your friends from, school?' Mint bantz right there. I think he's also a bit of a homophobe: 'men don't share beds' - grow up. The other comparison is of course, Ricci from Celebrity Big Brother. And you know fine well how that turned out. Who's casting this show?!
So how much recap are we going to have to eat? I can't believe I missed 'is that your real voice' yesterday. Blog writing fail. They are rattling through the housemates, and they really need to. So. many. people.
Joel: 'a better looking Leonardo Dicaprio'. Not hard to muster that up these days, Leo looks like a fat tramp, and hanging round all those young models doesn't help. Have a fucking shave, for Christ's sake.
What's the point of all these housemates who don't drink, more like. Don't drink, don't fuck, what do they fucking do?
LOL to Showbiz going 'You look like Sinitta' to Adjoa. I wonder how often black people have to hear 'you look like *someone who looks fuck all like you*' a week? Big Brother really is a microcosm of how women have to cope in society, how black people have to cope and how gay people have to cope with pricks like Danny and Cristian and Adjoa is all three, so she really has her work cut out in that house.
Aw to Nick pretending managing a McDonalds is cool. He seems really sweet. My boyf thinks Nick is going to go deep and have a 'journey'. I hope so. He has got Dexter/Ben Duncan vibes and that's no bad thing.
Andrew: 'I just blow shit up.' Hopefully his game! What a knob. Football! Lowest common denominator conversation for men with nothing else to say for themselves. If a taxi driver tries to talk to my boyfriend about football, he won't even engage with it. I have to talk about it! I know fuck all about it, except the usual (racists, sexists, wifebeaters etc).

A friend on Twitter has just pointed out to me that football idiot is not called Andrew. Hopefully I won't have to learn his name. He's so fucking boring there'll be nothing to write about anyway.
Nick is possibly a true gamer with all this humble crap. The boy could go far. As long as he doesn't try and you know, have sex with Cristian because boys don't share beds. And Cristian is so smoking hot he will turn straight men gay, or so he obviously thinks.
My boyf thinks Simon going was a fix but how can it be when they offered them the Deal or no Deal swap, too? I'm really pleased Adjoa was saved, you know. I think she's going to be good value.
LOL to Jade crying at Simon going. I'd be thanking Jesus.
'He was too much of a good housemate to be go.' Who said that?! Ha. Adjoa should be pleased she's not gone, not coveting JackJoe's immunity.
Why IS Aaron wearing a zebra outfit?! He's going in the 'eek' pile.
I like Adjoa asking Jade if she has children, ha. Jade is basically saying she's 'open' to women and then Adjoa goes 'you don't want to feel their pussy and that?' Told you she was one to watch. Classic BB.
Nick is 19! No wonder he hasn't got a job. Its not like he's 28 or something. I was unemployed when I was 19 too, I just didn't have a swimming pool and I watched Jerry Springer instead of cartoons.
Oh dear, politics chat. This is head in hands stuff. Joel admits he's a Tory. Better than UKIP, I suppose, although, you know, basically the same thing.
LOL to Sarah laughing in Cristian's face when he said he was a rapper. Quality.
So Adjoa says she's a lesbian and someone goes 'so you don't like boys at all?' Do you understand what a fucking lesbian is? I love the way she said 'I like pussy.' She's brilliant. It's so offensive when people say 'Have you tried sleeping with guys.' Have YOU, Keiran? Shut the fuck up then. She knows her own mind, just like you do, why should she have to explain herself? Talk about straight privilege.
I just like the way Adjoa is, she's just in her own little world. Criminal to think she had a 50/50 chance of leaving. Everyone's going 'what a great first night twist' but I don't think it was worth it, or it could have not been, let's put it that way.
Oh here we go with Cristian not wanting to share a bed with Nick. 'Guys don't sleep in the same bed.' What about gay guys? Cristian is revolting in more ways than one. Is he 12?
Adjoa is on heat. She even seems turned on by Eileen's tattoo.
LOL they are showing this awks conversation with Cristian and JackJoe. Pieface: the origin story. Cristian *deadpan*: 'I don't have a nickname.' I'm sure we can think of one, writing Cristian repeatedly without the 'h' is driving me bananas anyway. Mind you, I'm not exactly shocked his mum couldn't spell with this mastermind for a son.
Keiran is bugging me, but he's got nothing on Showbiz, so we need to be grateful for small mercies.
This Danny prick is getting on my nerves as well, in his Kylie hood thinking he's a baddass. 'Aaron is sketchy.' Why? Because he's gay? He doesn't like Sarah either because even though she's 'a good looking bird' she's 'bossy' ie. she won't fuck him. I liked her rolling her eyes at him: because he's a knob.
So now Danny can judge Sarah for having a baby as well. I heard him on the live feed saying she shouldn't leave her baby for 10 weeks, the sexist twat. No one would bat an eye if a guy did that.
They are all hating on JackJoe for his immunity. No one would nominate him anyway so who cares? I like JackJoe better than Jack and Joe, but then I like White Dee better that I liked Jack and Joe, so it's not saying much.
Why is Cristian sitting on the bed with Nick? Oh my god, that's so gay! Is he a shirtlifter (t.m. Jim Davidson) or something? His friends are gonna be giving him such a ribbing down the cunt shop when he gets out.
The next person who mentions football - just kill me. I can't bear it.
Adjoa is hot for Sarah. Jade: not so much. She is not connecting energies with Sarah. I'd rather talk about football that 'energy.' Next it'll be crystals, then the meditation and then probably fucking starsigns or something.
Aaron is upset that Simon has gone as he 'could have been a good leader' - what?! Only if you want to be led into musical theatre.
Danny having a go at Aaron again: 'He takes a lot of getting used to.' The homophobia is seeping out of you, along with the sexism. You should see a doctor for that, straight boy. 
The jungle prats are playing 'snog marry avoid' basically. They think they could get with the twins even though they have boyfriends. Did they learn nothing from Ash and Marlon's absolutely not fantastic 'slutbuckets' chat? These two are so stupidly offensive that I'm finding them enjoyable: yet they'll carry on like this and still get cheered when they leave because, well, you know, idiot general public, innit? But any woman who leaves who's good looking or wearing a skirt? Well they're just slags, aint they? Just birds for fucking. Any hole's a goal etc. And so it begins.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Launch night - Tick tick boom

I have just started a new job and asked my colleagues today if they'd be watching Big Brother tonight. I got the stock response: 'I watched the first year or two' and 'What channel is it on now?'
So why does Big Brother endure for me, and those like me, ie. you, who read my blog or listen to my podcast? I think it's a few things; for me it's a nostalgia that never ends, a shared dialogue, shared memories, a shared youth. For us hardcore who still hang on, my friends, my age group, like Morrissey fans, we're part of an exclusive club, that was once considered cool or at least popular, but is now something people have forgotten, except the people who haven't. It's a secret club.
An example of why I love Big Brother took place this week: James (my Big Brother Bile co-host and boyfriend) said to me the other day (in Spain!), 'You're not in Heartbeat now, m'dear!' And I just cracked up laughing. He was quoting Spencer Pratt talking to Trisha Penrose. Who? Exactly! And it's part of our shared currency, our shared lives, those moments that people have long forgotten, like that, or ones everyone remembers (Nasty Nick/ Jade vs Shilpa). It's our lives, as well as theirs.
So whatever happens now, it will me more shared dialogue for all of us fans, more things to quote, hate, love, get mad about. I'm loyal to to the things I love. And I love Big Brother, and this little community, that I didn't even realise existed, but that I found out about through things like Scott Hudson's BBUK interviews and then the Couch Potatoes podcast. I think Dr Detroit first used the words 'Big Brother community' and it was a revelation to me. I thought I was just a loser watching Big Brother, yet here were people of all ages and nationalities talking about the things I like. It was brilliant, and it's great to be a part of that (I'm still a loser, but we're a gang of losers, and that's cool.)
And now to slag it all off to fuck. Haha! I try not to look at too much pre-show stuff, so I only know Timebomb, and the fact they can reverse time, ie. recycle old tasks, housemates, twists etc.
'Expect the unexpected' - check. People going 'ooh, ooh'. Check.
I like Emma's short hair! I tried to do short hair recently and failed miserably. I look like Myra Hindley.
A 'world first' is coming up! Arisa Cox is telling us something's a world first every week on Big Brother Canada and it's just like the freeze task or some shit. There's now so many twists on Big Brother Canada, it's like a running joke. I know BBUK isn't too far behind.
Ooh, the house. I heart the sofa. The house looks very nice. Looks like they've spent a few quid and the bedroom isn't making my eyes bleed like the Big Brother Canada monstrosity. Are those real fish? They'll be dead in a week. Still, at least they can cut to them when people are being racist like they do in BBUS. Bit sad watching this on my own though, this should be a Friday night, not a bloody Tuesday! Boo. I'm not even drunk!
First in is Chloe. Just what we don't need, a new Charlotte Crosby. A young White Dee. She doesn't like posh people. I bet they LOVE her. Said something about Asda in her VT so we've got the measure of her.
Next up is Keiran. This guy is 30? Time has not been kind. He's a black guy in a plastic jacket. He is bugging me already. Is this the best two they've got? Oh dear. Also, why is BB starting so early this year? I hate having two BBs on the go. If I have to have three by June I'll have the hump as there's only so much moaning one woman can do.
Simon is in next - 46, that's positively ancient. If what you were after is a melted Louis Spence, then you're onto a winner. Not sure why he's getting booed though (except the fact he's camp as Christmas, of course). Why IS he getting such a booage? Homophobes!  No doubt they'll be telling me they just don't like jazz hands on BOTS.
Next in is Jade, an Irish polyamorous high end lingerie model. That's a few boxes ticked right there. Tick that on a job application form and you've aced it. She's attractive, but why has she got my mum's hair? I like her cape.
Joel is a aspiring politician who said the buzzword 'immigration' and that his cat was white. Is he a cat racist? He wants to bring 'compulsory fun and laughter' to the house. Ahh, the young Cheggers. He hates political correctness. Yeah, I hate showing people respect, too. What a cunt. He's also one of these that looks like he's got a permanant fart under his nose, like that one from The Wanted. He looks soooo young. Which makes me feel soooo old. Another reason to hate him.
Ooh hello. A white rapper, my favourite. He's actually cute but that jumper over the shoulders is unforgivable. Cristian? Actually I just looked at him again. Not cute actually.In fact, has he got 'fart nose' as well? Is that catching?I hope he does some rapping forthwith. You'd think Emma was quizzing him on Newsnight from the struggle it was for him to answer a couple of simple questions. This guy is dumb as a rock.
Next in is a cafe girl in an egg dress. This sounds like the new Lily Allen song. Another fucking racist. A racist Stacey Solomon, in fact. Jackass won't like that. Not what the world asked for, and not OK. Went in chewing gum and going 'oh my fucking days'. Classless. She doesn't drink? (Alkie!) Ha, and later someone went 'why would anyone not drink?' Good point.
If what you're looking for in your next housemate is Jack and Joe rolled into one lump, you're in luck. He's even CALLED Jack. Calling women 'birds' non stop. Prick. He's promising 'non stop chaos'. Cut to hiding under the kitchen counter, crying. His friends call him 'pieface'. Let's just cut the crap and call him 'cuntrag.' People seem to like him. People are idiots. Just ask Helen Wood.
Next up, the MILF Samanda. I like twins in the house. They look like Josie Gibson after a spillage in the botox factory. Did Marcus Bentley really just say 'they're nicknamed Twinny Towers?' Call Offcom! I can't get away with those sorts of puns, so why can they? Haha. God bless 'em. They seem the most likeable so far, so the bar is pretty fucking low. Haha, they're 27! I think they meant 72.
A boob obsessed black lesbian in next; the UKIP kid won't be impressed, but Channel 5's diversity charter has been filled with just one launch show's worth of housemates. Good stuff. Adjoa looks drunk and she's a pastor's daughter. Figures.
ANOTHER posho! Nick. 'I do nothing for a living. Yeah, I'm a twat.' He has breakfast in bed, watches cartoons and goes in the swimming pool. Sounds alright to me. I like him. I liked it when he went in and said 'somebody hug me', it seemed genuine. This is my posho. This is my winner. *cut to him being evicted the first week*
What is this version 4.4 and above Android shit Emma is banging on about? It's worse that Brian Dowling saying don't vote if you're watching on plus one. Save the technical stuff for the small print.
Ugh, someone who likes football. Danny. He loves beers and the boys and hates stuck up people. Funny that, I fucking LOVE THEM. Better than sexist football loving lager louts, anyway. Probably a closet case. I liked the line, 'I do drink, heavily' though. He's just a boring, supposedly good looking cardboard 'Home and Away' style alleged 'hunk'. And like Ash, he'll be around for decades. But does he have a catchphrase as good as 'absolutely fantastic'? I DOUBT IT.
Fucking hell, look at Adjoa's white trousers. I'm not sure anyone in the world can carry off white trousers. Or catsuits.
Sarah has impressive eyebrows. She likes arguments (check, Helen Wood). She halfway through a law degree? Better call Saul? I agreed with her comment 'I don't like it when women say they don't like other women' until she added 'it's because they're normally a tramp.' Her VT was one of the best, classic trolling. She is beautiful. And evil. A winning combination. Hope she has a scrap with mum hair. She looks like butter wouldn't melt going in, all teeth and shiny hair! Scally Axl.
I don't get this 'showbiz' dude. The real Louis Spence did crap on the show, so why do we have to deal with this gone off one? Rubbish! Lazy casting.
But first, it's the last housemate. Aaron. He seems more like it. I like his pyjamas, sorry, tracksuit. I'm surprised he had to come out to his mum. I think he's nice looking but not sure about his zebra outfit. I think Marcus Bentley just said that Aaron was 'the first man to qualify as a beauty therapist in Northampton.' 'Beauty' and 'Northampton' go together like 'Northampton' and 'University.' Beauty in Northampton is polishing your DMs. There was no beauty therapy when I grew up there, just LSD and snakebite and then everyone looked attractive, no threading required.
Ooh, another one. Eileen! I thought Aaron was it. I've seen this woman somewhere before. Ah, she was on X Factor. I think she was with some old dude. She seems like a good character. Did she say 'Proskecko'?! How old is she? 10 different shades of red lipstick, that's my girl. At last, a decent housemate. So far I only like Aaron, Eileen and Nick ie. all the ones the other ones will gang up to get out. These are the ones who intrigue me.
Now we gotta vote on something. But we don't know what?! It's like the election all over again, although this time I'll actually vote. If I could have voted for a politician via an app, I might have actually bothered. Also, if they hadn't put so much paper through my door.
So we get two minutes to vote, but we're not told what for, and still we vote. Fucking idiot general public in action. I voted for Nick because I like putting my favourite in dire jeopardy.
So five housemates have got to pick a 'timebomb' and each contains a prize or punishment. Some jokers have voted for Showbiz. But also NICK. Pieface, Adjoa and Jade. Seems a bit of an odd choice. What about Eileen?!
Pieface has got three immunity passes. He wouldn't have been up anyway. WTF has Nick got! Whhhhaaaat he's got to nominate face to face? Bullshit. His private nominations would have been funny.
Jade got a luxury shopping budget for herself, also known as a slop pass.
WHAT!? Whoever 'destinates' the eviction timebomb will leave the house immediately. Bullshit. 'There are no secret rooms'. Also bullshit. Haha, they can swap! Someone said it's like Deal or No Deal. Correct. Never swap! I know it is blue, etc.
Showbiz has GOTTA GO. Thank God it's not a pass to the final. Adjoa dodged a bullet there and then some.
What the FUCK are the producers doing?! Of course I'm thrilled Showbiz is gone but unless itwas a fix, which it wasn't (was it) that was a HUGE risk. Why bother going through the whole casting process just to throw someone away like that? It was a pure miracle that the sadistic Twitter crowd picked Showbiz, that could have been your favourite doing jazz hands out the door! It doesn't bear thinking about. I would be fuming if I had voted and had a hand in that.
Showbiz didn't look too sorry to be going - 'that's showbiz, baby!' I like the fact he got best bits. His best bits would have been the same after a month, too.
OMG him shouting 'fuck off' at the crowd at the end, I was dying. He was sooooo annoying.But that 'twist' was just mental. Also, not a world first, they did virtually the same thing in BBUS one year.
It's all fun and games until you've put a bet on and then they just throw the bookies favourite out one week, or get some would-be rapist to hit a button and walk off with half the prize money, isn't it?
All I can say is, have the bomb squad on standby. Simon's early boot is karmic retribution for Helen's pass to the final. But still, some evils cannot be undone. And as for Simon? It's time to face the final curtain.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Documentary: Montage of Heck

I went to see Montage of Heck today, the documentary about Kurt Cobain. It's impossible to write about in a vacuum, because the story, the time period etc had such a profound impact on everyone of that era who was a Nirvana fan or a teenager when Kurt died. I'm sure everyone has their own story about that time, and the impact of his death culturally and emotionally. Like Patty's documentary Hit So Hard, this was very painful to watch at times and me and my friend who went to see it both came out of the cinema needing a Valium and a nice sit down.
Now here's a confession; I don't like Kurt Cobain very much. I loved him so much when I was a teenager that when he killed himself, I took it as a personal insult. I felt so deeply betrayed by him, I barely ever listened to Nirvana again. I saw him as weak and Courtney as strong, and I just thought him leaving Frances was unforgivable. I also feel like he was a bit of a pissy cunt; at one point in this documentary he goes he doesn't care about the fame, just the songs, but that wasn't true for him, just like it isn't for Morrissey. Kurt wanted the fame, but couldn't live with it when he got it. I always thought he was kind of a dick with how embarrassed he was about being seen as 'mainstream'. But hey, you get what you want and you never want it again, right?
Twenty years later and I forgive him for the suicide; I realise it was a lot more complex than it was inside my teenage brain. He was a seriously ill man, mentally and physically. But Nirvana have stayed in that kind of time capsule for me, whereas I've carried Courtney with me ever since. So it's a weird clash of nostalgia to be taken back to that time.
I think some of the childhood stuff could have been cut; I feel like I've done Kurt's childhood to death; Heavier than Heaven was a bit like Morrissey and Marr; a thesis in Kurt Cobain that we had to read back when we were greebos. I had Kurt Cobain: The Diaries and I like seeing all his doodles and lists and things (like Courtney's) but I wonder if HE would like it? And the documentary being named after his old mixtape? He was so concerned about image that I wonder if he would cringe a bit at seeing them animating his childhood doodles? I don't know, it doesn't quite sit right with me, but then some of his little bon mots were genius. He was a really intelligent man, but he just thought too much. Like when he did a doodle of Courtney and said 'You talk to much.' She does, so he mustn't have had much time to think when she was around. Probably that was part of her appeal.
I also didn't like the animated parts of the documentary that much; especially in contrast to Kurt's own drawings, which were considerably better. I just thought it was a bit pointless or a bit out of place, but my friend didn't mind it.The music was very powerful in the documentary, except for a kind of pan pipes version of one Nirvana song at the beginning, plus I don't like that kids' choir singing 'Teen spirit', it's creepy. But on the whole, the music was just so loud and powerful it just felt like you were being blasted with a hairdryer of pure pain. It was pretty effective.
I was surprised to see Kurt's dad and stepmum in the film; I don't remember seeing much about them before, although I must have read plenty about them and just forgotten it. His dad looked like a square and his stepmum looked like a leathery lizard. His mum is beautiful, and sad. Yeah he got passed around when he was younger, but his childhood was no worse than most people's I know. I think his problems ran deeper; I think his problems were in his psyche and drugs gave him a break, from when he was little onwards.
It was a shame they wheeled out his first girlfriend again; this woman gets more airtime on Kurt and Courtney documentaries than Dave Grohl (more of which later). Would you want your first boyfriend/girlfriend sharing their memories of you again and again? It's just cringey and lowest common denominator..
Krist Novoselic cut a sad sort of figure, in his pristine, Scandinavian-esque house. I think it was when they cut to Nirvana's music blaring out screaming and then cut back to him as my friend Sarah said, kind of 'covering up' for Kurt, it just felt a bit tragic. I liked him in the old clips as the only one with a sense of humour (for the most part, although Kurt was having some moustache-related bantz in the bathroom with Courtney later). Let's be honest Dave 'Kurt hated him' Grohl doesn't have much of anything to offer, and was mainly notable by his absence in this documentary, which I was pleased about. Krist was the real deal, and he must be haunted by memories too, as well as befuddled by the popularity of the Foo Fighters, like the rest of us. There's only so long that Nirvana goodwill should have lasted, and it should have run out in about 1995. God knows what happened there.
All the old Nirvana footage, magazine covers etc made me feel so nostalgic for that time, my brothers, growing up, it was just a completely different time. Every image, clip, song in this documentary took me back to my bedroom, me taping every Nirvana video or performance on the VCR. The most powerful clip was probably the 'Unplugged' footage played to death by MTV and ruined for years, but here you could see it in isolation and just how amazing it was, and tragic. The Smells like Teen Spirit video, seen for the first time, is brilliant. The nuts and bolts of it are beautiful. Criminal what they did to his legacy, really. MTV definitely made me hate several of the songs just because I was so tired of hearing them.
It felt like a very long time until Courtney showed up, but of course, these were some of the most powerful parts of the documentary. I thought we were going to get a Kurt and Courtney sex tape at one point! Courtney is right, he was more beautiful than Brad Pitt and it was obvious how much she adored him. The video footage of their relationship was so personal, and so revealing; the strength of their love, and their addiction. The clip towards the end where she's trying to get him to hold Frances and he's all scabby and nearly passing out was just horrendous. Could nobody see it? Courtney seemed far more 'with it' than him; he was deathly ill at that point, already. I'm certain he would have died one way or the other, it was just a matter of time. Terrifying to think of Frances being brought up by them at that time; but she looked like such a pudgy, healthy baby. I honestly don't know how Courtney and Frances watched this documentary together, it's just so raw.
The last clip of them in the bathroom with Frances and Courtney in the bath felt so personal. When Courtney says something like, 'I feel kind of happy right now' and he said, 'I do, too' it was just too much. He was dead four months later.
Whatever you think of Courtney, and I've heard everything people think, most of the time very much uninvited, he loved her from the bottom of his heart. Getting the crowd at Reading to say they loved her was just beautiful, and I know there are many more examples of this (The Word, etc). Even his death threats to journalists were quite romantic. I think it's sad the way she's never found anyone who can live up to him, who worships her the way he did. Do I believe she never cheated on him? No. But it's irrelevant. Their love was undeniable. I wish we could see more of the footage of the Courtney interview, but then I always want more Courtney. I just find her so fascinating. She is such a strong, flawed character.
The Heart Shaped Box era always gives me a sense of dread, because it was, of course, right near the end. Was 'I hate myself and I want to die' literal? I think we got the answer to that one. 
I'm glad the documentary finished when it did; I don't think any of us could have faced seeing that photo of him lying dead again, or the suicide note eulogy, especially not at that point.
There's no moral to the story, just a really sad, sad memory left behind, as well as the travesty of the Foo Fighters' continued success. And now I'm 34, not 14. I'm a grown up. I work the 9-5, and it's not so bad, it's better than being dead, you know? It might not seem like it when you're a rock star, but it's actually alright.
And Kurt Cobain never got to get trolled on Twitter, or get to be on E News or get doodled on by Perez Hilton. And for that he'd probably be glad. But if only he could have seen another way out. Courtney always said if only he'd gone away to an island, just jacked it all in. But he wanted the fame, and he didn't want it. And if even Frances wasn't reason enough to stay, then there was ever going to be a happy ending. He could have got clean, but he still would have been famous, and mainstream. I just don't think it was what he signed up for - or thought he was signing up for.
For so long afterwards, I waited for Courtney to die, but she never did. She could survive a nuclear war, that one, and that's why I love her. I hope her and Frances are OK and will be OK. I wish Courtney could find someone who loves her, like he did. Yet anyone would be lucky to find a love like that, even once in a lifetime.
And as for those teenagers in Nirvana t-shirts now? You weren't there, man. But we were. And it hurt.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Documentary: Stacey Dooley - Beaten by my boyfriend

It would be easy to mock Stacey Dooley, I guess, if you're a snob. I still don't know quite where she emerged from, and I looked it up once. She's a young woman with a thick accent (she sounds Cockney but I remember from an old episode about extremists that she's from Luton, which is near my home town of doom). But I like her documentaries and the way she interviews people. She seems genuinely interested in finding out about the underbelly of life, be it drugs, extremism, or tonight's topic. There's just something about her I like. My mum always says we're all from one of six tribes (some Bible crap, I think) and I feel like Stacey Dooley is from my tribe. It's partly the Midlands thing, partly the way she looks, I just feel an affinity with her. Her documentaries are very watchable. Who could forget the drug that gives you crocodile skin? I don't think I've ever seen a man look more high, or closer to death. It was fascinating. And Stacey Dooley didn't give him Louis Theroux side eye or Nick Broomfield impassiveness. She treated him like a fellow human.
Every 30 seconds police receive a 999 call about domestic violence. Domestic violence is a subject I had face to face experience with as a child and I care more about pretty passionately. We had our fair share of 999 calls ourselves and it wasn't much fun. It wasn't much fun watching my mum get her skull cracked open, I must say. In fact, it fucked me up royally.
This documentary focuses on young women in violent relationships. I can't imagine ever being in a controlling or violent relationship, but that's as a direct result of my own experience; I just wouldn't put up with that for a minute. Still, I understand very well how women get sucked into these relationships and how controlling boyfriends/ husbands operate. I've seen it happen to my friends, despite me begging them to leave. It's not until you're in that relationship or that environment that you understand the hold those relationships have on you. These men grind you down until you don't know what your own personality is anymore.
This poor woman is having her door fixed because her thug boyfriend has kicked it in while pregnant. Every door in my house as a child had a hole in it from a fist from the men I grew up with. Violence is one thing, but living under the threat of violence is another, and is just as bad (well, almost).
'During holidays and major sporting events 999 calls increase.' Just think about that. Women get battered because their idiot husband's team loses. That's a reality. Doesn't that terrify you? It scares the shit out of me. Imagine scaring the hell out of the person you love, harming the person you love. The scary part is when children witness this horror, or have to live with it on an ongoing basis. It's just incredibly cruel. But women are too scared to go, or don't have a place to go that's safe.
One in four women suffer from domestic violence and two women die a week. Two women die a week and it really feels like no one gives a fuck.
Stacey is visiting a refuge. One of the scariest scenes in The Fall was when that abusive husband found his wife in the refuge. That's my worst fucking nightmare, all those vulnerable women and an animal like that finds them (and yes, I know it's not real). I support Refuge because probably the scariest thing I can imagine is a woman leaving her violent partner and being turned away because there's nowhere for her to go. That's when men kill women. That's the riskiest time to be a woman.
I wish women knew better the warning signs of these psycho men; and these charming romantic types are the worst, these fuckers who buy clothes for you. I wouldn't put up with anyone jealous as that's a sign. There are so many tiny signs, but like Stacey says, they seem flattering at first. But it's not flattering if you look at it from the perspective of that man would treat ANY woman that way, so how are you special? Any woman would be treated like his own personal property.
It's so wrong that women lose their children because of abusive men, and because they can't figure out a way out. They are being punished twice, and for what? Stacey said, 'people might seem you're picking your abusive relationship over your baby.' But it's not like a domestic violence victim is making a sane and sensible choice. They aren't seeing things straight because they have had their heads screwed up by these controlling bastards.
These injunctions are good that stop men from even coming near their victims or they get five years in prison. Stacey is following the guy giving out the injunctions to these fucking arseholes now. I couldn't look at them myself.
I was disappointed that we had to have the obligatory 'women are violent too' mention, which is such a minuscule issue it's not even worth mentioning, except to make men feel better about all the women they murder. I hate that they fudge the issue like that! The show is called 'Beaten by my boyfriend.' And even now MEN on Twitter are telling me how women are violent, too. Well, they weren't in my house. It was just the men. The men with the tempers and the men with the baseball bats and the men with the brute fucking force. It just said nine out of ten attacks are by men and still men whine 'what about women who beat men up?' It's my female friends who have abusive dads, not abusive mums. I just wish these men would shut the fuck up. I'd be ashamed if I was a man. I wouldn't be arguing with women about the statistics. I'd be trying to work out why the fuck men were doing it. Why should I cry for that one man getting beaten up for every nine women? Fuck him. I don't care about him, I really don't, and if that sounds harsh, then tough. I guess my experiences made me that way. Honestly, it makes me fucking furious. Are there refuges full of hundreds of terrified men, all across the country? No, there aren't! So shut up. Stick your statistics, because I don't care. I care about women getting battered in front of their children and killed for daring to leave their boyfriend.
Why DO men do this to women? Why do they think they have the right to treat women like this? I just don't get it. Women just have to stop dying. Men have to stop killing us. Claire's law is really important but it's not enough. It's terrible that funding for refuges are being cut. It's a death sentence to women. But like the Tories fucking give a shit. What's a few dead women to them? I liked Stacey sticking it to Teresa May. I liked her question of 'what would you like to say to these girls?' a if an MP cares.
I'm glad Stacey went to a place where abusers get rehabilitated because I do believe - in fact, I know - that men can be rehabilitated but a massive part of that is actually waking up and realising what the fuck you've done. I've seen it happen. And I've seen it not happen. And these boneheaded straw man arguments of 'well women do it, too' doesn't help either side. It's just another way to put women in their place along with bashing in their front doors - and their skulls.