Eurovision 2013

A confession: I was going to give Eurovision a swerve this year but everyone seems to be watching it, and my Eurovision blog is kind of a tradition, so here we are. I'm watching 30 minutes late which I hope will give me sufficient room for forwarding dull montages (check), choirs (check) and any dancing whilst they count the votes. But why do I have a feeling I should have started an hour and a half in?
The presenter is rocking a bubblegum pink dress with long sleeves and disgusting pink shoes. I have a Swedish friend; I'm pretty sure this isn't how Swedish people dress. Oh she's doing funnies. Ish.
First up, France. She's like Courtney Love, pre-nose job. I kind of admire the fact she hasn't bothered doing her hair. She even screamed a bit.
Lithuania: Has Eurovision gone rock this year? This is power pop. 'Because of my shoes...' WTF sort of lyric is that? This guy can't sing, bless him. He's also got a bit of a scary stare on him. What about his shoes?
Moldova: We've already got Lady Gaga. Move along. She's growing! She's a GIANT. Flames. It's like the Hunger Games. If you need those sort of theatrics, your song ain't good enough.
Finland: Sam Fox begging for a proposal. At least she's got a sense of humour. This is what Eurovision is about; tongue in cheek nonsense. 'Uh oh, uh oh a ding dong. I'll change my last name, do the walk of shame.' These lyrics are dynamite. Is it about gay marriage? I think that kiss was just gratuitous.
Spain: BAGPIPES. This woman is so orange she makes Michelle Keegan look pasty. This is also power pop. But duff.
Belgium: Eyebrows aloft. Is that combover hairdo not done yet? He looks like he's MIMING. WTF?! Love kills, over and over. Ooh, I think he's got wub wubs. Unfair advantage! My boyfriend is staring at the wall as *points at TV* 'there's nothing over there.' PARTY!
Estonia: A pregnant Disney princess. Dry ice. This girl knows how to sway.
Belarus: Coming out of a disco ball: is Brian Freidman choreographing this? Rylan style! This song blows.
Malta: Helpfully has the lyrics behind him so you can sing along at home. This guy is super smiley. How can you smile and sing at the same time? This is almost folky. Like Mumford and Sons on the Capri Sun.
Russia: Ballad. She's catching her breath after every line, which I sometimes like but not on this occasion; she sounds asthmatic.
Germany: I've heard of Cascada, they're an actual dance band. My boyfriend just made his first comment of the night at her singing the lyrics 'the world is ours' he piped up, 'she shouldn't say that in her shoes.' She's singing about being young, but I'm not convinced she is. I can't see her getting on an 18-30 holiday anyway. I like this 'oh oh oh' bit, it's like a Killers song.
Armenia: Did Bewitched really bring back double denim? Asian guy. Wind machine. Awful.
The Netherlands: I think this Anouk is a real singer. My boyfriend's second comment of the night: 'she's got some cheek, hasn't she?' Mean. This is fucking dreary.
Romania: Who let Dracula in? He's got some falsetto on him. I rather like him.
UK: Why can't we have an act under 70? Why are we the only county represented by geriatrics year after year? She looks like the lost Nolan sister and sounds like a frog. I hadn't heard this yet. I wish I still hadn't. Is this the best we got? And we said no to Morrissey? I'M ASHAMED. Has she got a leotard on? She's gonna get fucking trounced.
Just realised I haven't said anything about Graham Norton. He's so/so - I've laughed once or twice.
Sweden: Losing in front of your home crowd. This dude has got more makeup on than Bonnie Tyler. He's wearing clashing shades of cream. 'Youoooooooouooooooooooou' - who does he think he is, Brian Molko? It's quite catchy, I'll give it that. I think this might be my second favorite.
Hungary: I don't like the ones where they don't sing in English. I know. He's indie, too. Nice cartoon, though.
Denmark: Pan pipes! She's quite cute. This song's a bit duff, though. We just caught up and tried to press the red button and it WON'T LET US. GRRRR. We have subtitles, though.
Iceland: Justin Lee Collins is representing. Oh OK, the subtitles are translating. 'I have life,' and something about mountains.' Mountains are always good in songs, mountains, the sky, it being very high and so on.
Azerbaijan: 'If love is a mountain, we've hit our load and are about to explode.' Christ. His mountain tops your mountain, Iceland. It's quite dramatic isn't it? He's got a little copycat hanging out in a box but they're not in time very well. Grab a grand! KEY CHANGE! I like this one. It feels like he means it.
Greece: This is classic rubbish Eurovision, some old dudes doing folk songs. Oh god, it's gone ska. Horrendous. ALCOHOL IS FREE! Whoop.
Ukraine: Vikings. She looks identical to someone who sang earlier. It's like Cheryl Cole's long lost foreign sister. I prefer Gravity by Embrace.
Italy: All the men look the same shade of orange. He's got GREAT STAGE PRESENCE. He's like a fucking statue.
Norway: Kind of dancey and dramatic with strings; 'I feed you my love.' She's got the moooooooooooooves like Jagger. Oh, no she aint. She's got a JLO bum and she has 'the future on her tongue.' What does that involve?
Georgia: a gruesome twosome. Losing faith now.
Ireland: WHERE'S JEDWARD? They wouldn't allow themselves to be painted orange and sing over this trancey old trot. It's like Fatboy from Eastenders in leather trousers.
OK it's done. Petra, when people were asking what you were wearing, they meant it rhetorically, as in 'what IS she wearing?!'.
Oh here's the old dear who won last year. 'We got the power.' SNAP.
WTF is this Swedish 'smorgasboard'? My boyfriend is beginning to get a bit antsy. 'Mamma mia, Ikea.' LOL. They're dressed in the Ikea colours too. 'Meatballs seasoned with a hint of horse'!!! This host has actually been funny in parts.
Someone is singing my favourite Abba song! Is this Sweden's answer to Adele?
WTF why didn't we vote for Finland? UK's votes were whack. Why didn't we vote for Ireland, Graham? NO JEDWARD, that's why.
Graham on Ukraine bloke giving the results: 'It's sideshow Bob.'
They didn't even bother with the last lot of votes, ha. So Denmark won - she was cute but that's about it. Now theyv'e going back to the votes. WTF. That was a mess. I know who's won so I'm turning off.
I will say, that wasn't as painful as recent previous years, but I'm not sure why. Having said that, I thought this finished at 11 and when I saw it was 11.15 and my boyfriend called me a 'lying cunt'! CHARMING! He's only joking though, and has been very patient really. As have you, reading this after all that. Goodnight!

Album: Bo Bruce - Before I Sleep

I’m a bit late, but what’s new? I haven’t reviewed an album for AGES, mainly because I’m an old fuddy duddy who listens to the same old shit all the time.

I only just got round to listening to the whole of Bo Bruce’s album and I really enjoyed it. I have been following her since I went along and saw her on ‘X Factor-style show for indie kids’ Orange Unsigned Act– you can read this as ‘I liked her before you did’. She came second to the excellent Tommy Reilly (where’s he now, bless him?) Then of course, I was rooting for her to win The Voice as well. As it turns out, it’s probably a good thing she didn’t. No, definitely a good thing, although it seemed like a real injustice at the time.

The album is probably poppier than I expected, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Bo’s voice is the number one thing you’re listening to, and the songs are really catchy. Wouldn’t it be nice to see this doing well in the charts instead of the usual crap?

I really like opening song Landslide, it could have easily been the first single, too. I like ‘there’s blood on me/ there’s blood on you’ as a lyric. I can well imagine warbling along to this in my car, and having a ‘wooooo’ in your song is never a bad thing. The second song is the single, Save Me. Again, it’s great. I’m glad she’s not come out and done something radically different from her usual style. I suppose it’s not exactly a feminist anthem with the lyrics ‘why would you wake me, when you’re not going to save me?’ but it’s a pop song, so I should stop being such a snob. I like the drum machine kind of sound, the production kind of reminds me of You are the Quarry, and that magical moment when we thought Morrissey was going to be popular again.

The next song Alive continues in a similar vein, this could easily be a single too, it’s all soaring and anthemic. Speed the Fire is really lovely, it’s got xylophones which always makes me think of Bloc Party, and it’s a bit more moody. There’s a man doing back up vocals, I’m just going to look up who it is. I can’t seem to find it, but anyway, he adds a nice tone. This song is the biggest departure from the rest of the album so far.

After a super strong start, the album goes off the boil for three tracks in the middle (a bit like during a Morrissey gig, but make that six tracks). Telescope didn’t do it for me, then Ghost Town definitely felt like an album track, a bit dirgy.  I definitely prefer the poppier songs. I’m also not a great fan of On the Wire. I wish these three tracks had been interlaced with some of the others, especially as the first four songs were so strong. These three just didn’t have a strong enough hook for me.

Luckily, Holding the Light gets the album back on track. It’s quite stripped down, and her voice sounds lush on it. It’s just a lovely ballad, really. Lightkeeper is also good; heavy on the drum machine. ‘Miracles and chemicals’ as a lyric sounds almost Suede-esque. This song kind of reminds me of something off The Killers new album. Bo can easily hold her own amongst the indie boys; and being radio friendly is no bad thing.

The Fall is a bit filler-y again, but is followed by The Hands I Hold, which could easily be another single. Echoes kind of sits in the middle for me, but Golden is a bit more pacey. There are more lyrics about flames – has Bo been in a house fire recently?

How we’re made is really sad, it nearly got me blubbing, but I am a notorious soft touch. It’s just moving and pretty and the way she sings, ‘I just miss you’ is heartbreaking. This is the end of the main album and it’s a strong bow out.

There are three bonus tracks, which is quite generous on top of 14 songs on an album; I appreciate that because I hate it when I get an album and it’s got 10 songs on it, I just think it’s tight.

Bonus track Search the Night continues the sombre tone and the guy is back doing backing vocals. I like hearing a guy doing backing vocals for a woman as it kind of inverts the norm.

I like Another Life and there’s another song called Another Life by a band called NO that I also like. You should check that out. Over & Over (Run with the Horses) is good because one, it’s always good to have brackets in a song title, and two, it sounds a bit housey. Probably the only thing that could have made it better was adding a big of 'clip-clop, banging two horseshoes together' sound effects. 

On the whole, I think this is a great album, and exactly what I would expect from Bo. I liked 14 out of 17 tracks (including the bonus ones on the Deluxe version) which is really good for me. I’m sure I’ll be hammering these in my car alongside all my usual favourites.

I really hope people buy this album, and I hope Bo has a long and successful career. She deserves it.

Big Brother Canada: a post-mortem

Now that the shock of the frankly shambolic ending is over and I've had a couple of days to digest the sheer ridiculous of it all, I thought I'd wrap up Big Brother Canada for once and for all this season.
For those who don't watch it, the winner is decided by the last 7 housemates putting a keycard with the winner's name on in a slot. Doesn't sound too hard, right? Well, one housemate was too busy showing off to check which keycard she picked up and voted for the wrong person. Her single vote meant that the one person I wanted to win, and the one person who she'd been campaigning to win all season, came second. Meanwhile, an inscrutable (and dare I say it) boring person - Jillian - shamelessly took the hundred Canadian dollars, a car and 25K shopping voucher; whereas Gary (pictured above) the vibrant, funny, underdog, fighter - and let's be honest, star of the show - was left with twenty thousand dollars. I don't know how much twenty thousand Canadian dollars is, but it's not enough to make up for this almighty disaster.
It was car crash TV: probably the biggest fuck up I can remember since Terry Wogan announced the wrong winner in the Eurovision pre-rounds, and that's wasn't exactly something a lot of people remember. So how could this have happened? From what I've heard/read, the producers did check the keys, and knew full well that Topaz had voted for the wrong person, but kept the votes the same for 'dramatic effect.' Well I hope they're pleased with themselves, as the 'dramatic effect' it had was showing Arisa Cox can present about as well in a crisis and she can choose outfits that don't look like they're out of the lost property box each week. She was so far out of her depth that she'd probably reached the coastline of America. As Topaz begged and pleaded with her to change her vote, Arisa stood with her back to the camera (dur), repeating, 'I don't know what to do.' What they should have done is dragged Topaz off the stage and given her a slap. I can understand that 'all votes are final', but it made the last ten weeks completely and utterly irrelevant. All of the 'strategising and scheming' Arisa was constantly going on about amounted to nothing because of one simple mistake. Epic fail. 'Oops, I've done a Topaz' is already probably in common parlance in Canada. I watched the last 15 minutes of the show with my head in my hands, and the podcast we did straight afterwards pretty much consists of me going 'oh my God' and sighing loudly.
So a few thoughts on that, and the rest of the series, whilst I have a clear head. One: the way glorious Gary  handled it was absolutely beautiful. Classy, classy behaviour. He insisted the money didn't mean anything to him and it was more about him championing gay rights and getting his face known, but it MUST have hurt underneath. I suppose the only consolation can be that he will always be thought of the rightful winner by many, and he'll get sympathy wherever he goes. Jillian, on the other hand, will be treated like crap. I don't advocate that, but the first thing I would have said if I was her would have been 'I'll give Gary the car or the voucher.' She just stood there grinning inanely, which is pretty much what she's done all season.
A word in Jillian's defence though. It wasn't Jillian's fault it happened, it was Topaz's and the producers. I also got very annoyed at the suggestion that she 'rode Emmett's coattails' through the competition. Her and Emmett were at least equally matched as players; and in fact she won one more Head of Household (HOH) competition that him. I think it was for the last seven weeks, one or the other of them won the competition. You can't deny them that and the other housemates were idiotic not to evict them sooner. I even think BB fixed it slightly so Jillian didn't win the final HOH by making the endurance challenge about strength rather than stamina as it usually is.
I also want to say what a whiny little baby Emmett turned out to be. I liked him throughout the season, even when he was playing 'tough guys' with Tom, but the way he reacted to Gary evicting him was pathetic. Gary made 100% the right move to cut him at exactly the right moment. It's just a shame it meant absolutely nothing in the end. Emmett also seemed quite ungracious about his supposed girlfriend winning; surely he should have been happy for her, at least, especially as she won it as a complete fluke, and pretty much undeservedly? Even his message to her as he put the keycard in was a dig at Gary (Gary was evicted, but voted back in by the public, so Emmett said he didn't deserve it), and not something like 'Jillian, you've won the most competitions in this game, I'm really proud of you and you deserve this.' Douche move, Emmett. I don't think this is going to be a 'showmance' that's going to survive in the real world - I'd certainly tell him where to go after that. He thought he had it sewn up: he didn't. That's life, Emmett. Think how Gary feels! At least Jillian might take you out to dinner and buy you a new cowboy hat.
As for the rest of the jury, specifically Peter and Alex ('The Sheild', or even more embarrassingly, I saw Peter write it on Twitter as 'The Sheyld' - cringe) and their X Factor arms (see left) and neon shoes and smart-arsery: well did they get egg on their face in the end, or what? Peter, who I liked throughout the show (he has the same eating disorder as me), made a unnecessarily nasty comment to Jillian when he thought she was done for, calling her 'an awful player and an idiot': neither of which was true. She was 10 times the player he was; sitting back and playing shrewdly, unlike him. Peter made several schoolboy errors, from evicting AJ over the odious Andrew, and the worst of all, evicting Topaz (and her dressing gown of doom) when they could have teamed up and had a real run at it. The problem with Peter, and Alec, is they talked the talk but they didn't walk the walk. What about when Alec just gave up on that last veto competition? What really was his thinking behind that? The way he treated Topaz was also pathetic and childish. Both Peter and Alec went on like they were a pair of teenagers. You weren't power players, you weren't baddasses, and Peter was only elevated to a higher postition of cool by being Marsha the Moose's object of affection. Marsha (think Tree of Tempatation if you're in the UK) was a lovely twist, and a bit of comic relief, and will probably be the most memorable character of the series apart from Gary.
So, whilst we're on Marsha, what else did the show do well? I'd actually say, a lot. Whilst heavily borrowing from BBUS, it also used several ideas from BBUK and BBAU, such as the yes/no task, secret missions, and a more lighthearted approach than the full-on bloodshed of BBUS. There was humour and comraderie. The casting was excellent, and it was great to see all new players, not the recycled old people again and again from BBUS. I realised Canadians are really cool people, and I love the way they say the word 'out'. I did thoroughly enjoy the show, so to see it end in such a shitstorm was genuinely upsetting and disappointing as a fan. I hope the producers enjoyed their 'drama' because it really left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. I'm quite sure there will be hundreds, if not thousands, of people not watching again, because you think, what is the point if the rightful person isn't even going to win? What really was the point of all the comps, the social games, the fighting?
So do the right thing, BB Canada, and next year bring back Gary as host (we had a contestant in BBUK go on to become host). I'm sure he'd do a better job than Arisa, it would kind of be just desserts. Whatever happens; Gary will go onto great things, and Jillian... I don't know.But I would personally feel guilty spending someone else's rightful money.
Finally a shout out to Tom, a pound shop Marshall Mathers (right), and one of the most impressively stupid contestants of all time, who actually said on the live feed 'I don't wear condoms, condoms are for pussies' as well as calling Gary 'a faggot' before being evicted by his own alliance before we even got to jury house stage. What an almighty douche. Hats off. You're the new Jesse.
Will I be watching again, if they do even bring it back now? Of course I will! But for God's sake, get your shit together. They threw in so many 'twists' that had a major effect on the game, but they couldn't anticipate that the final twist of all could have seen them possibly digging the show's own grave. Let's hope that's not the case.
PS: Can I have Marsha now? Or even Marge the evil moose? I'm not fussy.

Big Brother Canada – Everyone in this house makes me sick

We’re halfway through Big Brother Canada, and I have to say, I’ve been really enjoying it, apart from a few mental twists (why bother saving Suzette that week? And how unfair was the instant eviction – on AJ AND Topaz?) Casting has been very good on the whole, there’s not much deadwood, although some of the big characters went early (the idiotically self-obsessed and self-proclaimed ‘humanitarian and philanthropist’ Liza still had a lot more scheming in her and it would have been fun to see her come unstuck later down the line, as well as seeing how her ‘relationship’ with Peter played out once that bonehead Tom was gone). Talking of Tom, as ridiculous as he was, it was a shame to see him go, taking all his bluff, bluster, homophobia and protein powder with him. I was hoping he was going to punch someone.

The big heartbreak, though came this week, when we saw Gary Glitter leave the house and be deported back to Cambodia (sorry, wrong Gary Glitter). Another big shame of this series is how the house has voted in such a sheep-like fashion, and big characters have suffered at the hands of this – so I’ll always give kudos to Emmett who still gave Tom his vote, and Gary, who voted for Suzette despite the house, too. I wanted Gary to win it, but it became clear he wouldn’t early on, when he stood up for minorities, was entertaining and proved himself good at challenges. He HAD to go, bitch.

I won’t do a catch up of the whole series as we’ve done a couple of podcasts covering that, so I’ll just talk the past couple of episodes (and I’m always behind because my boyfriend does weird hours, so I don’t even know who the new Head of Household is yet… not that I really care now Gary’s gone). I will say from the quite small amount of After Dark episodes I’ve watched (and I’m far behind) that Gary did get a good edit on the highlight shows. He could be quite obnoxious and calling everyone ‘bitch’ constantly, is probably not to be advised, unlike viewer discretion.

So last Sunday’s episode saw Andrew put Gary and Topaz on the block. The mission of ethnically cleansing the house is almost complete: first Kat, then Aneal, Suzette, AJ and Gary. There’s just Topaz to go; my current favourite. Why is she my current favourite? Well, let’s see. She’s shown evidence of a spine. She’s stuck her neck out for her friend (Gary), even to the detriment of her own game. She got royally done over by Big Brother’s ‘twist’ – how unfair to be HOH and then get shafted like that. True, she was stupid to do her thinking aloud. But I wonder if BB TOLD her to do her thinking aloud? At the time I was pleased to see AJ go; but Andrew has become a paunchy megalomaniac in his absence; ‘I must avenge AJ!’ Well you didn’t, because you evicted Gary. So much for that. Mostly I feel sorry for Topaz for her ‘cuddlemance’ with Alec; a man so shallow that the only thing that’s made him cry in the house is the thought of Canada seeing his tiny, tiny penis. The only person who’s ‘soulless’ is him, and if he thinks faking romance endears him to the public, he must be as stupid as he is big-headed. I cannot WAIT to see ‘The Shield’ get their comeuppance; the only problem is, I’m scared it might not happen. And also, I barely like anyone left. In fact, apart from Topaz, the only one I have a soft spot for is Emmett. Obviously 12,000 times keener on Jillian than she is on him, I’m just waiting for the moment she leaves the knife hanging out of his back, giggling and smiling coquettishly as she does it.

So, back to Andrew, who I liked up until about a week ago. Now I see him as a huge floater; this East Coast/ West Coast BS exists purely in his own mind – like Marvin’s bolt-on alliance to the our Horsemen in BBUS – and either side will cut him as soon as look at him. I actually heard him say on the live feed, ‘I’m 38! He’s only 21.’ Can you imagine a 38-year-old playing this card? It’s like saying ‘I’m eight and three quarters.’ Tool! Ever since he shaved his sideburns off, he’s been dead to me. Worse than dead, because he evicted the actual entertainment. I would rather see the Talla win than this idiot, and she’s little better than a doorknob.

It’s funny because Talla didn’t bother me until a week or two ago, either; I think it’s because they’ve been giving her more airtime and her pathetic squealing, amateur dramatics and I’m-drunk-so-will-snog-a-girl antics are really starting to grate. No one can actually be like that, and I can’t be bothered with the fake. She’s pretty clever though, as she can just switch to whichever side has power now, and could easily float her way to the final. Peter tried to recruit her to The Shield whilst dressed as the Google incognito window dude, whilst Andrew tried to get her onto his boring, 38-year-old side. Peter did a pretty awful job of saying ‘I’ll look after you’ – even Talla didn’t look fooled. Still, playing the joker could pay off handsomely for her; it’s just a shame we have to witness it. Also; should Big Brother be letting people get so drunk on vodka they’re throwing their guts up all night and someone has to stay up with them? I’m far from uptight, but I’ve not seen someone that drunk on BB since Antony Hutton in THAT wetsuit (TV gold). People can and do choke on their own vomit in those situations, which would not be great PR for Slice, I’m sure. Also, she fell clothed into the hot tub, peed in it, and then admitted it. Once she watches this footage, this is a girl who will never drink again. Also, eww to Andrew’s comment ‘it wouldn’t be the first time a girl has peed on me.’ Bitch, please.

Which brings us onto ‘The Shield’ *does stupid X factor arms*. Surely Simon Cowell has trademarked that X Factor pose? Oh whatevs, I don’t think stupid shouty Peter and Frankenstein-hair Alec are exactly troubling his radar. I thought it was hilarious when we met Peter’s mother, who proudly said you could count the number of things Peter ate on one hand, which were BBQ potato chips, cheese pizza, French fries and chicken nuggets, adding, ‘he’s low maintenance.’ That’s not low maintenance, that’s an eating disorder. How does he stay so skinny on this amazing diet? I want to study him more at mealtimes; is he getting his own chicken nugget budget? I can’t exactly comment on people who have diets like a five-year-old, but it’s nothing to be proud of. So it was amusing when Arisa asked Peter if he was missing his family and he goes, ‘No. I only see them once a year.’ You’ve done a great job there, Peter’s mum! What does he have for Christmas dinner, cheese pizza with chicken nuggets on top? Oh, Peter. Marsha the Moose really was your finest hour, and that was about five weeks ago.

At the other end of the socially-disturbed spectrum, is Alec – aka tiny dick – who last week’s highlight was that he ‘spilt Pepsi on his pants.’ This guy is a sociopath. Topaz actually does have feelings for him, which was illustrated when she called Talla a ‘slut’ for getting into bed with him (innocently). She wasn’t angry at Talla, she was upset about Alec’s betrayal and being on the block. Not excusing her behaviour; she was wrong, but at least it was REAL. It was real emotion in the face of the crumblemance. He couldn’t give two shits.

By the way, what happened to Gary’s piñata veto ticket? That went the way of Billy’s hash he nicked from the post in Eastenders; never mentioned again. Poor Gary, denied his prize and sent to Jury with AJ. It’s a fate worse than death. It’s AJ-gatory.

The horror-themed veto was quite good (except for the outcome) – it looked genuinely gruesome and like they’d spent a few quid on it, and let’s face it, Alec already had the haircut. Finding disembodied limbs blindfolded in groo – you can’t beat it. I thought it was interesting Jillian mentioned she was a teacher – what age group does she teach, because I basically watched her shag someone on TV a while back. I don’t think you’d be going back to your teaching job after that on the UK version. I could tell Gary hadn’t won the veto by the fact they showed him kicking off at Talla at the start; that was a clip of a man with his balls to the wall. Still, it was disappointing to see Andrew win and see him get even smugger. Can you think of anything duller than an Andrew/ Talla/ Jillian final three? Jillian is a crafty one as she gives NOTHING away. I feel like I know zip about her. Except the fact she will stab Emmett in the back. She’s Lady Macbeth in waiting.

So onto Gary’s meltdown – overreaction much? Cooker-gate made his slop-strop look almost reasonable. She only asked him to turn the pan down! I think we all know it wasn’t about the cooker, but about Gary losing the veto. Even so; he should not have been that aggressive, and he was quite intimidating. In the BBUK house, you’d be taken aside and told to cool off for that behaviour – and rightly so.

A note on the editing: I didn’t like the way Thursday’s show was edited as if Gary or Topaz had already left and the focus was on who would win HOH next week. I do miss the flim-flam of BBUS and how they try and lead you up the garden path with who’s going. Everything feels like a done deal with BBCAN which ruins the suspense somewhat.

So in the end it was between my two faves, and Gary took the hit. He looked shocked but he must have known he was the bigger threat. I’m pretty sure Gary will have his own show sewn up in Canada, and I like to think of him as I saw him on the live feed the other day, going ‘My breakfast drink is vodka and coke, my lunchtime drink is a cosmopolitan, and my evening drink is…’ something I can’t remember, but the fact his ‘breakfast drink’ is vodka and coke is pretty special. Also, respect to Gary for using the word ‘naysayers’ in his exit interview. Also: the show dies here. *throws glitter on the coffin*

So we were left with them hanging off an iceberg: and boy, does Topaz need to hang on. Emmett was sitting down, I noticed, is that allowed? I don’t know who won HOH because I’m hiding from spoilers, but it’s got to be one of the girls with a task like that, as it takes a small body to win. Jillian has a great chance; but Topaz can do it. And if she really wants to stay in the house, she’ll have to. And wouldn’t it be lush to just see her take out Alec and his stupid haircut? Wouldn’t it just be… just?  

I’m really missing reading all the tweets, too, but I’m always about a week behind because of the hours my boyfriend works so I just can’t read them!  I wish I could be more interactive, but I just have to be a bit of a behind-the-times loser, instead. No change there, then. But thank you, Canada, for filling in the gap between BBUK and BBUS and also for the live feed. They’ve got a few things wrong, but they’ve done it in the name of drama, so you can’t fault them for that. Heeeeeeeeeeeey!

Jodie Marsh: Bullied

You're not one of those dullards who hates Jodie Marsh, are you? Sometimes I think hating Jodie Marsh is just something people feel they're expected to do, like a default setting in humans that they don't really think about. Well, stop and think about it for a minute. Jodie Marsh is actually quite amazing. There's lots of things I love about her. Her digging out Pete Burns in Big Brother about the 'gorilla' coat (and he did bully her, and others on that show, and I don't throw the word 'bullying' around lightly, like they like to on Big Brother). Her completely mental blog (now defunct); it kept me amused for HOURS during one particularly boring job. Her ill-advised TV marriage. Her lesbian period (is she bi now, or is that done with?) Her tattoo period including her dad's wonky tattoo. Her obnoxiously bright red hair. I'm not into weighlifting, but I admire that she can do it. It takes a LOT of discipline to have a body like that, and go on that strict a diet. But my favourite thing about Jodie Marsh is it's always something different with her. There's always a new scheme cooking, and I admire than in a person. She bounces back, no matter how many times people knock her down, how many boring jokes about her nose, which incidentally, looks completely normal. I like the way she goes on about bullying and vegetarianism until you're bored senseless. I just like the way she is. You've got to hand it to her, as well, she keeps getting TV shows. And if you put her up against her old 'nemesis', the monotone beach-ball, botoxed, dead-eyed, sexless Jordan, Jodie ALWAYS comes out on top. No kids, no baggage, just a spring in her step, and a plan to change the world. Next year she'll probably be your MP or she'll be in the circus, or she'll have had a religious conversion. So, take another look, and I think you'll find you do like her, after all, don't you? I bet you probably like Danny Dyer, too, if you think hard enough about it.
This show is on Channel 5, so you know it's gonna be good. Jodie Marsh is kind of monotone, too, I suppose, but she's sparky. I wish she didn't have the fake boobs and the trout pout and the botox now, but I suppose there's pressure from Nuts and all that bollocks. But really, she's better than that. That's more Jordan's style.
Jodie has gone to America to investigate their 'unique' form of bullying; school massacres. Oh no, it's the shooters who went on the rampage as a reaction to bullying. Well, it's a fair point. If you hate the world, I suppose it makes sense to take a few with you when you go, especially when you're 15, have never had sex, people are giving you shit every day and there's guns galore. It's not hard to see how it happens.
Jodie goes to talk to a school teacher, who must wonder who made this cartoon character of a woman - with blusher going from her earhole to her mouth - a 'journalist'. Still, it's better than Rick Edwards or John Fashnu's charmless daughter, isn't it?
It's quite interesting that bullying is illegal in America and you can take action in that way. I think it's true that schools in the UK sweep bullying under the carpet. Teachers don't want to know.
Not sure about 'Mr Mojo' who 'empowers' the students; I think I prefer Mr Motivator, and he's creepy.
Jodie flirting with the guy in the school! Naughty!
It was sad when she went to see the parents of a boy who'd hung himself. It's horrible when any child kills themselves because they don't realise that life changes when you get older, but you can't see outside your narrow margin of your tiny world when you're that age. Although I did. I wasn't bullied but I had a difficult home life, and I always had one eye on leaving school and getting the fuck out of town. I feel sorry for those who lacked that imagination.
Oh bloody hell, this next guy she met was left paralysed by school bullies - by one punch! Fuck. Poor guy. That's a tearjerker. Oh my God, and the bully was still at school afterwards! WTF? The school took no responsibility?! How could this poor kid even have to go back to the same school?
Ok, they sued the school for four million dollars, so schools are forced to be more responsible (because of money, not because they care about kids). But what about the individual who did it? He just gets of scot-free?
I liked the 'it's cool to be kind' teacher who played music instead of having a school bell and educated students to step in and defend other kids. It's so 'American', though, can things like that ever work here? We're too cynical! See; Jodie wants to change the world. I like that about her, it saves me the trouble, as personally, I can't be bothered.
You can't stop bullying unfortunately, it's like trying to achieve world peace, or stop people being arseholes. But schools could definitely do more. I remember the first day I went to 6th form college and someone held a door open for me, instead of spitting on me, and I actually felt shocked. And I wasn't even bullied at school, I was just a grebo so got shit for the way I looked, but I was a tough little teenager and gave as good as I got. My dad was of the 'if someone hits you, hit them back' school of parenting. So if that was my minor experience, god help the weak kids who didn't dare say boo to a goose. It's funny to think Jodie Marsh was probably that girl once, a little mouse, and now look at her, begging to be looked at. And you don't like her? You animal. You bully!
And Pete Burns: I haven't seen you on TV lately.

The Voice UK: Series 2 (why?)

Roll up roll up for series 2 of The Voice! Remember how last year it created international superstar Leanne Mitchell, who's highly relevant cover of Whitney Houston's Run to You went to number 45? Bit embarrassing, isn't it? I notice how they're trying to smear her name by saying that she didn't want to do publicity. As if. I personally hold Tom Jones personally responsible. He doesn't know his arse from his elbow. The fact they haven't got some new judges in is unforgivable - not one of them has an ounce of charisma or talent between them.
Will.i.am: the world is watching. I doubt it, iPlayer only works in the UK and no one would bother to pirate it. My boyfriend is already ranting after agreeing to watch it.
It's an insult that they are going on about how brilliant the judges are, when the contestants amount to nothing. I don't know how they have the gall.
Reggie: 'the judges have over a hundred years experience to share.' And 90 of those are Tom Jones's.
I had to forwards though the four of them performing because I'm trying to get drunk and don't want to be violently ill.
Where's Jessie J's shaved head? This shit isn't even live. Jessie J has got Grotbags nails. I will admit her shaved head looked pretty good.
This first contestant has even shorter legs than me and he's from the VALLEYS. They should make all the contestants fat and ugly. He's also got a scunt on. My boyfriend just said, 'Rick Waller.'
Why are we getting subtitles? This is hammier than usual. Are their mics broken? I miss Adam Levine on the US version and I never thought I'd say that. I definitely miss Cee Lo and Christina. 
Tom and this Ash guy are talking solely about Welsh things. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned Kelly Jones or Catatonia yet. These judges make insincerity look like an artform.
Did Jessie J just say 'there's a difference between singing and sanging?' Yeah, a tense. She thinks she's Nicole Scherzinger now. Will.i.am has not offered to make this guy a star in Malaysia, Singapore or the Czech Republic.
If you had to spend a day with one of the judges, which one would you pick? I think I'd have to go for Will.i.am but then I'd have to hear about him going on about UFOs. I get enough of that at home.
The second contestant Danny looks like he's dressed out of the lost property box at school. He's got the cold dead eyes of a killer. He's singing the dreariest song I've ever heard.
Will.i.am's not wearing his little Lego costumes tonight. Jessie's got loads of producers phone numbers: shame she didn't pass one to Leanne Mitchell.
Oh there's Reggie. How much does he get paid for doing nothing?
Tom Jones looks a leathery old scrotum. He makes me want to renounce humanity. Is this how they've revamped the show, by cutting in fake arguments and bits of them mucking about?
The next contestant has dip dye hair. Is that still in? I can't talk, just dyed mine pastel pink two years after slagging off the stylist who forced Amelia Lily to do it. She's cute so I'm guessing she can't sing as that seems to be the rule. Oh, she's also orange and looks like she's dressed off the market.
Is there a rule they have to sing the most boring songs humanly possible? It makes you pine for Rylan doing Gangnam Style and facing off with GB.
Jessie J seems to have ants in her pants tonight. She just did a massive sniff so we're assuming she's coked off her head, because she's acting nutso. Jessie J has all the eloquence of Arg of Towie. Danny O' Ditchwater is looking genuinely concerned about her. Jessie, please stop doing that fake America accent. I WISH Dizzie Rascal was a judge on this show, he was really good on Must be the Music. He was 10 times better than all of this lot put together.
This next contestant loves Elton John. My boyfriend is getting really mad. He says the BBC can't do reality show and has denounced Fame Academy. But I loved Fame Academy, and Ainslie and Lemar. This show makes Fame Academy look like Breaking Bad.
The next contestant is blind. She's got the Christopher Maloney shakes. Aw, she didn't know if anyone turned round. Danny told her he did, but not Tom! Pick Danny, Tom doesn't give a shit about his contestants.
God, this show does suck. Even I'm losing steam with it. I've got The Walking Dead and three episodes of Big Brother Canada to watch, heeeeeeey!
Danny: 'there's only one thing that doesn't lie and that's the hairs on my arms.' Is that a chat up line? I'm imagining them whispering to him now: 'what are you wearing?'
Ooh this next one's from Northampton, my home turf. She's got pink hair too, it's obviously a theme. She doesn't sound like she's from Northampton. She can't sing, but she has got boots on. She was off key, I'm afraid. Back to the shoe museum it is.
Jessie stop going on about being a FEMALE, we know you're a FEMALE. I hate advice like 'work on your breathing.' I love it when singers run out of breath or you can hear them catch their breath or they hit a bum note. Imperfection is amazing, if it's real, if you can sing anyway, or if your voice has enough character.
Danny is bragging he's been on Letterman and Ellen. LOL.
These filler bits are awful. Ooh is this next guy a rapper? Sweet! Bad white rappers are brilliant. Oh they don't normally do humiliating ones on this show, do they? Maybe they're making an exception. Do people still shave a bit into their eyebrow like that? I thought (hoped) that died with Vanilla Ice.
Oh what, they set it up for him to rap and he came on and sang some duff country song. SWIZZ!
Danny: 'country singers are very rare.' Have you seen X Factor US or American Idol lately? They're full to the fucking brim with those cunts! We don't need that shit over here, thanks. It's bad enough when Bright Eyes ruins a good song with that sound.
Oh Will.i.am, shut your face. Jessie J: 'the greatest vocal acrobats the world has ever seen'? Well, compared to Fergie, maybe. I personally find her voice like nails down a blackboard, but with with the added 'uh!' thrown in for no reason. There's more padding in this show than in Olly Murs's pants.
The next contestant has the dying nan card in her back pocket. That card has been played tooooooo many times! Nans die, that's the whole point of them. If you die before your nan, something's not right with the world. This girl sings like 'why use one syllable when you can use 25?' She sounds like she's trying to escape being strangled. Cute, though. Danny's eyeing up his next girlfriend. There should be laws against that since Jimmy Savile-gate.
LOL next up is Kavanagh! He shouldn't get a second shot at success. I do remember that song. He's like a singing Sean Maguire. Something looks like it's happened to his face. Why is he doing this song??? It makes me want to shoot myself. His voice sounds reedy. No one turned round because he was crap. Soz. Is someone going to pretend to recognise him? Aw, Danny's been given the job of pretending to remember who he is. Transparent and contrived. Kavanagh, you've had your fifteen minutes. Fuck off.
I'm dreaming this is over. So's Jessie J, waiting for her next fix. This last guy is obviously meant to be the one we've all been waiting for. And it would be, if he's turned up to a Will.i.am lookalike competition. Well, it's a no from me. And it's not like I'm watching Saturday Night Takeaway either. It's all trite rubbish for the masses. Now, I'm going to watch my zombie drama and international Big Brother. Cos I'm highbrow! Happy Easter. 

Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.