Monday, 3 March 2014

Kenelis live at the Scala

I went to see Kenelis at the Scala on Friday night, and was struck by how far Mel has come from the open mic nights more than ten years ago, where I’d drive down to Camberley and watch her perform. Kenelis the band have had a few incarnations, and the new line up (which isn’t that new!) has given Mel a shot in the arm and renewed drive. You can tell the band genuinely like each other, and are pushing each other to become bigger and better.
The last band I saw play at the Scala was Bright Eyes; so to see Mel and her gang standing on the same stage as one of my biggest heroes was a big deal. The Scala also holds other memories for us; a few wild, memorable club nights at Popstarz in our twenties meant that this felt like a homecoming gig of sorts.
The band opened with Moving to Brighton, which has a strong guitar part. I’d say Kenelis have two sides to them; a heavy, rock sound and a rocky/pop side. Personally, I like the heavy songs the most. I’ve always liked the screamy/ angsty ones and I like the acoustic ones too, but I think that's just because they remind me of old times! 
It was great to see the band up on a screen in the venue, too. I like the Scala as a venue, and the sound was great. The last big venue I saw Kenelis in was the Indigo2 club at the O2 arena, and I think they really lend themselves to filling up these big venues with their big sound. 
Next was GFY, which I’d say was more poppy, although it still has a rocky guitar and loads of energy. I think you can hear Mel’s accent come out much more when she sings now, which is always a good thing. I love hearing accents in songs – real accents, not put on ones!
Next up was Don’t Kill My Rock, which has a punky feel to it, with handclaps and ‘heys’ from the boys in the band. I really liked With Scars, which is where there were some technical difficulties, but I actually liked the more stripped down feel of it, as it is more of a ballad (or was that night!) Ballad is the wrong word; I don’t think Kenelis do ballads!
With my memory, I can’t remember which songs are very old or very new, but Holes feels to me like a classic Kenelis song (even if it isn’t), with strong lyrics and a catchy chorus.
The band finished with Prodigy Witch that has Metallica-esque guitars – I loved it. The song has a lot of different parts to it, stop-starty bits in the verses, screaming, slow bits and sing-song parts with backing vocals. It has a Paranoid Android sort of structure to it. I like it when you don’t know quite where you are with a song. It just has a bit of everything – to me it’s perfect Kenelis because it encapsulates all of their strengths; it’s got heart but it’s also got just proper headbanging parts. I like the ‘witch!’ screaming at the end, too. I always like screaming on songs! 
I don’t think the crowd were in the least bit bothered by any technical difficulties. I noticed how the venue filled up as the set went on, and when it finished, I felt like we’d just been getting started. Hopefully this gig will give Kenelis a push onto the next level of stardom; they have paid their dues and they deserve to be big. We’re sadly lacking in strong front-women in rock at the moment, and Mel, in her grey and black union jack jeans, is more than ready to step up. 

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

The Brits 2014

Evening! I'm continuing a seven year tradition of sitting through something I hate just to slag it off - actually, that's my entire social life. James Corden is doing the same thing I see; trouble is, both he and I are running out of jokes for this fucking sorry mess - and at least that fat cunt's getting paid for it. The pressure's on as I read last year's blog today and there were at least four or five funny jokes in it. Shit. Have I lost my touch? Has James? Take my hand. Let's see what's what. Maybe they'll surprise us all and put on a glorious spectacle, a feast for the eyes and ears, a magical evening of wonder? Come on! I know it's gonna happen someday.
OK, back to reality. I have a drink here. I am watching half an hour behind. So I'm starting off in a good mood. Then I see James Corden and wonder, why have they booked him the past three or four years in a row? I have fresh beef with Corden this year, which is actually my own fault, but for some reason I decided to listen to his Desert Island Discs at some point last year - to laugh at his taste in music, I suppose. Imagine my abject horror (and I was trying to go to sleep at the time) when one of the songs he chooses is Bright Eyes! I was wide awake (it's morning) for the next three hours (there was a joke there, but only Bright Eyes fans like me AND JAMES *grits teeth* will get it.) True enough it was First Day of my Life, the dullest Bright Eyes song you could ever choose. Why not a Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction, James? Why not that? But still. The thought me and the Michelin man are both chirruping along in our cars to hackneyed lyrics like 'I'd rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery...' was enough to turn me cold and give me a good bout of insomnia. So yeah, I got beef. I got previous. You could say I brought it on myself. But I didn't KNOW. I thought my tastes were so goddamn counter culture (Placebo and Morrissey are still cool, right?) that James Corden would NOT KNOW. But he did know. And now I am the same as him. We are fans together.
But at least I'm not taking the dirty money of The Brits. How can a publically-declared Bright Eyes fan stand there in front of 1D and Ellie Goulding and pretend to look cheerful? I see you, James! I know your game. I see you. *taps head, Limmy-style*
Anyway. I'm lying because I haven't even seen James Corden yet. I can see dude from Arctic Monkeys though. I know they're meant to be good and everything but I could never get behind them. Too much hype and NME hype at that. I feel like the singer takes himself too seriously, and look at them all in 'uniform'. It's like Coldplay. But let's face it, this tuneless dirge is probably the high point of the night. I thought it was The Killers at first. No such luck.
Oh James Corden is on fire. *insert joke here* Oh he is looking fat again. I thought he'd gone skinnier. He looks like he's got fake tan on. I put my fingers in my ears when he said what was coming up because if I knew, I would smash my TV to pieces with a hammer.
The Brit Awards statue looks like motorised saw. Saws. Fire. We could have a dead James Corden on our hands yet, as long as health and safety procedures have been sloppily applied. Here's hoping.
Can I fast forward yet? No. Wait for the adverts.
Who the fuck are Third Eye Girl? I thought Third Eye Blind were bad enough. Aw, there's little Prince. What's his deal? James Corden is making me cringe, interrupting Prince. Who does he think he is? Hold on, I hate Prince. Ok, the nominees are for British Female Solo Artist. I won't bore you with the nominees but this year instead of Emile Sande we get Laura Mvula. Only one black person at a time, for God's sake. Don't want to scare people. No need to worry, as public schoolgirl Ellie Goulding won. Who votes for this shit? She has got the most enormous face. She should be on the side of Mount Rushmore. I kind of gave up insulting people's looks a bit, as people can't help how they're born and all that, plus I'm getting fatter and older, but for tonight I'll MAKE AN EXCEPTION because I'm having to suffer through this bullshit. Buyer beware!
Fucking hell man, who is writing James's jokes?! 'Going to the toilet in pairs'?! Is that the best he can do? He's worse than last year, I swear.
Hold up, Katy Perry's just turned up, don't tell Andrew Sachs, he'll probably call the Daily Mail complaining about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh it's one of her songs with no tune. Oh, wait, there's a dancey bit. Bring out the washing machine. Don't make her hit a high note, though FFS. She's got a pyramid on the stage *cough* Illuminati. I think I'd be 'going to the toilet in pairs' ie. snorting coke with my fingers in my ears (is that physically possible?) whilst this shit is on, too.
I actually feel a bit sorry for Corden at this point. His jokes are so bad they aren't even arousing anger, just pity. I mean this blog is bad, but making jokes about wearing the same outfit as Katy Perry? Oh, Lord.
Kylie and Pharrel have turned up, having a smug off. Best international male artist. Surely Pharrel himself is in the running, genius that he is? I can't spell his name. I'm not looking it up. Fuck him and Daft Punk. Eminem's in the running. I'm guessing he hasn't shown up, so he's not going to win it. Ah, it's Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. Apparently he likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'm following someone on Twitter called Semtex who also likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'll find one of his tweets for you, as it's more entertaining than listening to this 'speech', ah, here we go: 'Why give this lumpy shitsplat the time of day? Nothing is going to be resolved here.' Kind of how I feel about The Brits.
I'll give that cunt Corden one thing, as least he can pronounce David Bowie right, which is more than my James who lives in this house can do. 
Oh, Tinie Tempah and Fearne 'Fame Skillz' Cotton have just turned up. The Daily Mail ran a full page article this week about how Prince William shouldn't have high fived Tinie at some event or other. I'm against high fiving myself, but they seem to think shooting boar is JUST FINE AND DANDY. Just don't make physical contact with the 'rappers'. They're introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. It's Bastille. Congratulations to Dan, Chris, someone and Woody. Yeah, well done you. You're the new Mumford and Sons. Hold on, the lead singer looks like Jack 'Shilpa's a cunt' Tweed. In fact the band seems to consist of Jack Tweed, Roddy Woomble, Nick Grimshaw and the singer from Elbow. Bastille bloke: 'this time last year I don't think anyone thought we would be here.' This time two minutes ago I didn't know who the fuck you were, even though I remember you being on the godforsaken Christmas TOTP, but am not admitting it.
I was just going to go and get another drink, but then I thought, no, I'm not wasting good (well, Glens) vodka on this shit, so I'm drinking a Diet Pepsi instead. How's that for rock n roll?
One Direction seem like they're having a blast. James Corden plugging Nectar points. This gets more anarchic by the minute. Have 1D been paid not to smile? The second ugliest one is wearing a Stone Roses t-shirt. I bet even Ian Brown can sing better than that joker.
James Corden just described Bruno Mars as 'the greatest showman performing anywhere in the world right now.' What about CONOR OBERST, James?!!! He's even looking up from his keyboard nowadays! You TRAITOR. I just fast forwarded through Bruno, so that's one ad break lost. Fuck. I'm gonna catch up, aren't I? This is like some sick race. I feel like Jesse/Aaron Paul (same thing) in Breaking Bad/Need for Speed, clutching my steering wheel and screaming. WHEN WILL IT END!!! Take me back to the meth lab!
I still don't know who Rudimental are, but some people I know went to their gig last week. They look like they're dressed entirely from Shop Jeen, which is no bad thing. I love Shop Jeen. 'If people are going to remember this record in 20 years...' Un-fucking-likely.
Oh god, did James Corden REALLY just make THAT joke (mixing up Lily Allen and her baby)? Even my blog wouldn't stoop so low (not true, I make those sorts of jokes all the time). Lily Allen looks skinny. I hope she hasn't been starving herself on Katie Hopkins account. Best British group. Two of the nominees were Disclosure and Rudimental, neither of which I'd heard of before last week. So Arctic Monkeys have won and are making a joke about One Direction. But are they really so different? It's all just pop pap. Props to the sparing us the 'list of names read out' though. At last, some mercy.
Who's this dude who looks like James Arthur with the dude from Arctic Monkey's quiff? Doesn't he get to make a speech?
I am not even commenting on this 'something for the fans' patronising bullshit because it's just designed to wind me up.
It must be nice to be the 'stunningly beautiful' Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley (except for having to sleep with Jason Statham and all that). Funny how no man gets introduced as the 'super sexy... blah blah' isn't it? Sigh.
One Direction are winning the Global Success award. What's that when it's at home? Harry Styles isn't even bothering to go on stage. 1D are reading out a list of names, against Chief Arctic Monkey's specific instructions. Harry was in the loo. Is he sniffing? One is on crutches.
I think this might be the most boring Brit Awards ever, and I forwarded through Bruno Mars. I'm not even angry. I'm just cowed, like Corden. We're both too old for this game. We're like old war horses that need taking out the back and shooting.
Oh, lock up Tom and Jerry, top ranking lizard 'Mrs Carter' is gracing us with her heavenly presence. No human looks that attractive; she's definitely on the babies blood. She's a good advert for it, too. We are truly blessed to even have her on our TV screens; who could forget her back catalogue of killer lyrics like 'do you pay my automo-bills?' and referring to herself as 'it'. Bow down to Queen Beyonce, who isn't content with an outfit unless she endangers at least 15 species in the process. She probably ordered the killing of that poor fucking giraffe Marius just to make her next pair of baby booties.
To be fair to the horrible, beautiful Cruella De Ville Illuminati princess, this has been the best performance of the night, but then she hasn't exactly had much competition. It was probably in her contract that everyone else had to be crap. 
Did they write James's 'Beyonce - shit' line? GENIUS. Oh, James. Come with me, just come this way. I've got something to tell you. Beyonce wants you skinned and made into an ugly rug. Just stand against this wall and close your eyes.
Katy Perry is plugging her tour and giving out an award for best British single. One option is Olly Murs. I'm not even joking. Rudimental have won. I do know this song. I just don't like it. It's not even drum and bass, it's like drum and bass for old people who can't dance that fast. It should have been Olly! At least his heart skip, skip, skip, skips a beat.
Oh, piss off Arctic Monkeys, you've had your five minutes.
Performing together now, are Disclosure and Lorde. I don't know who these people are. Oh, just what we needed, another Florence. Brilliant. Nicola Roberts solo work is preferable to this. Dance music you can't dance to - it's the pits. Oh someone else has just come out who seems a bit more lively. Perhaps this is the Disclosure part. Disclosure makes me think of conspiracy theories. Oh, this is like some sub-rave, electro rubbish. It's better than Lordes, or whatever she's called, but only just. The 'disclosure' is, she's miming.
Bastille are dressed entirely in t-shirts from Topman. Has no one got one with an eagle and the number 69 on it? I'd rather cut my own fingers off than listen to this meaningless shit.
FUCK, James Corden just nicked my Nick Grimshaw joke. GREAT. We really ARE fucked together. I made it like, an hour ago, but no one knows because I'm blogging and not tweeting, like a modern person. The benefit of blogging of course, is I don't have to argue with people about my opinion, I just give it to you, and you can lump it. Everyone's a winner.
Nicole Scherzinger is nominating the best International Group. Finally, James, Bright Eyes are going to get the acknowledgement they deserve. Oh no, it's Daft Punk. I think that new Daft Punk album was possibly one of the worst albums I've ever heard in my life. And I used to have the second Bros album. Actually, that's a good album.
James Corden is mentioning Lassiters to Kylie. I mentioned Lassiters just this week. I think I am turning into James Corden. I'm the new Matt Horne.
Oh fuck, I just caught up. I'm now in 'live play'. I think I did quite well really. Maybe it will let me have a new go on Candy Crush now (I love jumping on a trend just as it dies a death). What sort of sick fuck of a game bans you from playing it for half an hour; and you LET IT? Mental.
This Disclosure prick just said 'everyone on blogs and websites were getting really excited about our album and we were just like, settle.' OK, I'm settled. Your album is horrible and your live set is crap. Is that better? Fuckwit.
Ellie Goulding is singing now. She's in her bra, but she's not sexy in any way, shape or form, even though she's pretty with a good body. I don't know why. She's like a robot. I don't think she has feelings. If she did, she would spare us this.
WTF why has Noel Gallagher just turned up? Are they paying him? He doesn't need the money. At least he had the good grace to call it 'shit'. Kate Moss has turned up to collect an award for David Bowie. JARETH. Don't speak again, Kate. Don't ever speak.
Ugh, the real Nick Grimshaw has just shown up and snogged James Corden. Emetophobics beware.
I've had to turn down the bit where James Corden is talking to Pharrell because it was making me cringe too much, then Keith Lemon popped up, so there's that.
Jimmy Carr just showed up. Another joke about drugs. Zzzzz. Doing drugs is a lot more fun that hearing jokes about them, that's for sure.
Video of the year, as voted by Twitter: One Direction. Great trolling, Twitter. Thumbs up.
I had to turn down that Nick Grimshaw/ Rudimental bit as it was so dreadful. But it did give some time to read through my blog and relive the whole fucking nightmare.
Running out of steam? Me? Never! Ok, album of the year. Emile Sande has shown up (presumably Laura Mvula has left). Arctic Monkeys have won. Maybe now they'll name everyone at their record label. The moment we've all been waiting for. One at the back looks embarrassed. This speech is worse than the record label one, really. Glass ceiling? I don't see too many women rockers onstage. Well, any. Since Courtney. The microphone has been dropped. Super. Is it over now?
I'm turning off this last bit. I've suffered enough. This is like a final punch in the face. Same time next year? See you there, James. It's just you and me, kiddo.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Review: RoboCop 2014

I took my boyfriend on a date to see the new RoboCop last night! Oh the romance. And on the bus home I broke the news to my boyfriend about the Morrissey, Cliff Richard and Tom Jones gig, which I still won’t believe is real until I see it, and I also refuse to see it, so in my mind it will just remain a bad dream, even though everyone is talking about it and laughing at me. Well, ha bloody ha.  
NB: This blog will contain very mild spoilers. But it’s a blog about a new film, what do you expect!?
Anyway, RoboCop. RoboCop is my boyfriend’s favourite film and I think he must have seen it 500 times. I have seen it with him about 15 times and I still can’t remember what happens half the time, but he does, going, ‘this is a good bit coming up’ every five minutes. A lot of people seem to be being quite prissy and precious about this new RoboCop, ‘oh it’s a PG’, ‘oh, his suit is black’, ‘oh it’s not a satire’ but my boyfriend was just like, ‘It’s ROBOCOP!’
The added bonus for all straight women and gay and bi men (inclusive!) going to watch the film, is the new RoboCop is played by Swedish hottie Joel Kinnaman. If you’ve not watched the US version of The Killing, you’ve missed out on him playing a reformed-junkie cop who talks like a bad rapper, yet there is something so endearingly warm about him you just want to sit in a police car smoking fags in the pouring rain with him, whilst young girls get murdered all around you.
The new RoboCop director José Padilha obviously thought the same, as he gives Joel the same accent in this role, oh and he’s a cop, as well, as the title suggests. Typecast? Who cares. I was worried Joel doesn’t quite have the lips for the role (RoboCop needs a good pair of lips, as that’s the only bit you can see most of the time) but luckily he has his visor up quite a lot so we can look at his lovely face. Although the bit where you see he’s just a head, lungs and a hand is a bit off-putting. How are you going to have robosex at this rate (come on, it’s what everyone is thinking)?
I’m going to fess up now and say despite being forced to watch the original many times, the only things that really stick in my mind about it is that robot going nutso at the beginning and the sad bit when RoboCop (the dude) dies. The new film does not follow the same plot but has lots of elements the same.
Samuel L Jackson is exactly as you’d expect him to be as the news anchor championing RoboCops. I liked the start where they showed the how the robots worked in Tehran. I liked all the bits where Joel Kinnaman was human. I didn’t even mind the one flashbacky/dream bit as I got to see his real body again. His wife is lovely but dull, which is a bit of a shame, especially as there is a strong female character in the original RoboCop.
Gary Oldman plays the doctor who puts Alex Murphy back together after something bad happens to him (different to the original) and Michael Keaton is the mastermind trying to market the cops in America. Both actors can be annoying at times, and good in other things (Gary Oldman will never top Drexel in True Romance, for example: ‘It aint white boy day, is it?’) but both were reliable in this.
For a PG I thought the film was still quite violent, but less bloody and probably less scary than the original. As you’d expect, it focuses more on the action and things blowing up.
The black suit WAS a bit crap, I preferred the original, but I didn’t mind the motorbike. We laughed a few times ‘I’m in marketing!’ but it probably wasn’t as funny as the original.
It felt like quite a long film but didn’t drag at all, unlike most long films I’ve watched lately that could have done with a bloody good edit (Hunger Games 2 – Catching Fire, for example, could have happily lost the first 45 minutes).
I was a bit wary of seeing this film as out of the corner of my eye I had seen hints of some duff reviews, but I enjoyed it much more than I expected. I like sci fi, I like futuristic things, and I like Joel Kinnaman, so I was sold. My boyfriend also enjoyed it, and he actually knows about these things, so STFU Robosnobs.
My view on remakes is the same as cover versions: if you’re going in wanting the same as the original, just watch or listen to the original. A cover version should offer us a different take on a song, just ask Darius, or more sensibly, see The Killers version of the Bright Eyes song Four Winds. I’m talking taking a country song and turning it electro. Nice. That’s what the RoboCop reboot does; it takes a classic, and presents it to you in a different way. If you’re the kind of movie snob who has made their mind up going in that it’s going to be crap, then yes, you’ll probably find plenty to bitch and moan about. But I’m a person who was glad to see Big Brother picked up by Channel 5, even if it was an inferior version (at first) because I LOVE BIG BROTHER, like my boyfriend LOVES ROBOCOP. So if you love RoboCop, why not be pleased to see him again, black suit or otherwise?
Having said this, I thought Rec 3 was more entertaining than Rec 1, so you probably can’t trust my opinion on anything. Rec 2 is obviously the best though; ‘RELAX!’ *hides behind pillow*

Monday, 10 February 2014

Jim Davidson: Least I'm not boring (but I am a cunt and so are my fans)

Hello there! I've missed you and all the scuttlebutt. Let's watch Big Brother Canada together when it's on in March. It's got a moose! Well, it did last year.
Anyway, back to our Jim, or #jimtowin, as the common people call him. Even the title of this show is annoying, jauntily missing out the word 'at'. It reminds me of Kim Marsh's stolen autobiography (well, found on our balcony in Ibiza) that started every other paragraph with 'Thing is, right...'
Personally, I'd rather be boring than a self-confessed wife beater, racist and homophobe, but hey, [at] least I'm not those things.
I can't even look at Jim Davidson, he makes me feel physically sick, which makes watching this show rather difficult. Lionel is claiming he discovered Jim on New Faces again. Lionel also claimed that Jim was a 'good looking guy.' Negative!
His old stand up comedy looks AWFUL. Shut up, Ian Hyland. He's another sexist prick. The way he used to talk about women in his NOTW column was vile.
Jim's sitcom also looks crap so no wonder he wants to gloss over it. Dear God, the Big Break years. I remember this vividly as a child and thinking how awful it was. It was like the anti-Blind Date.
Garry (his parents' spelling error, not mine) Bushell - there's an unwanted blast from the past.
Jim's 'joke' about a jaguar biting his wife's head off says it all, really.
Bobby Davro never knew Jim was a cokehead. But he laughed uproariously about 18 year old women taking coke. Lovely.
Why is Garry Bushell standing up for Jim Davidson beating up his wife? Gross. Cos Lou Reed did it doesn't make it any better. I don't like him, either. 'Hip', my arse. 'Hipsters' don't get a pass for wifebeating; but you get more of a pass if you show an ounce of remorse; something Davidson is incapable of.
I DO remember being a kid and thinking racism was wrong, I ALWAYS thought racism and sexism was wrong, even when my dad and brothers were watching Roy Chubby Brown. I've NEVER been racist, not when I was a kid, a teen, any time. I've always known right from wrong. It reminds me of this 'oh it was acceptable then' attitude about groping women. No it WASN'T. Men just GOT AWAY WITH IT.
Jim's jokes about 'pakis' and 'rug-munchers' are just vile. I DON'T believe this was ever acceptable. I don't see how anyone can ever defend it. It wasn't 'lefties' that destroyed Jim Davidson's career, it was Jim Davidson.
The fact the only black person they've got sticking up for themselves against Jim Davidson's racism is Richard Blackwood, who most people don't like, or don't think is funny, I think is very telling for C5's agenda. But Richard actually made some very good points. Just forget about Brass Eye for a minute and listen to him.
Linda Lusardi is an idiot, saying he can't be a misogynist because he's has so many wives. So men with seven wives aren't misogynists. Tell that to David Koresh.
Jim comparing himself to Frankie Boyle is hardly endearing, he's a cruel cunt, too.
OMG this bit about him not wanting to make fun of disabled people takes the biscuit. This is the true him coming out now. He didn't want disabled people on the front row because he didn't want to make fun of them, or if he did he'd get into trouble? Oh my God. Is he really saying this?
Dear God, this Brian Dowling bit! 'I didn't fall out with him before he was A gay, it was because he was a cunt.' Then his grin to the camera. You voted for that! (Sorry, you didn't, because you're a normal person, but PEOPLE voted for that!) People actually BELIEVED HE HAD CHANGED even though he ADMITTED HE HADN'T. Seriously, how much clearer does he have to spell it out for you?
'A gay!' 'A gay!' Dehumanising piece of shit. Then he has a go at Brian for 'playing the homophobic card'. Why would Brian think Jim Davidson was homophobic when he IS HOMOPHOBIC. Brian didn't like you BECAUSE you were homophobic and you didn't like him BECAUSE he is gay. You imbecile.
Poor Jim, getting 'branded homophobic' after all that. Who would brand someone calling someone a shirtlifter homophobic?
Oh my God, I just got so angry my vision went funny. That can't be right. People on Twitter are doing my head in, defending this nonsense. I honestly can't bear it.
'A lot of shirtlifters have the same face' makes me feel physically sick. I don't know how people can even watch it. It makes me cry every time I see it.
Jim: 'It's a common word used to describe gay people.' He is saying this in an interview NOW. 'Is it any worse than poof?' He is saying this in an interview NOW. 2014. NOW. On your TV screen. NOW. He is saying these words. So don't you DARE come on my fucking Twitter and try and defend this piece of shit. You're no better than him! I am incensed, I am apoplectic.
What is this 'Gay means Good As You' bullshit? What a rotten man. Absolutely disgusting, inside and out. 
 I sincerely hope there are some #jimtowin people at home now, wishing like hell they'd never voted for him. I would love it if just one person just said, 'I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have voted for this man.'
'Oh but Ollie, it doesn't matter if you go out with a boy or a girl.' I hope Ollie is watching this now and seeing just how far the wool was pulled over his eyes. PLEASE! Someone, anyone, condemn this horrible man.
Garry: 'Brian weren't the sort of gay guy Jim would really get on with.' What does that mean? Brian is a perfectly nice man. The truth is Jim hates ALL gay people, he just hides it well now, and people are s dumb, they're fooled. 'Brianphobic.' Please. Jim has 'since learnt shirtlifter is offensive.' Where was he the previous ten years?
Jim: 'I didn't say it to upset him but I didn't like him using it against me. To my mind, he was to blame for the argument, not me.' Doesn't sound that sorry, does he?
I don't even care about this Yewtree thing. Isn't the rest of it damning enough, even if he is innocent of this?
Ian Hyland is right that Jim going into Big Brother a year later was good for him, because he had the battle with Linda, he had no Brian Dowling to face, and he would have been lost between Speidi and Rylan.
The fact that Bobby Davro is even having to say 'well done' to Jim for 'behaving himself' in the Big Brother house is damning. Most people don't have to 'behave themselves' ie. behave with common decency. They just are that way.
Good on Nina Mishkov  who I generally can't stand for saying he did a brilliant piece of acting because he really did.
The way he's twisting this Frank Carson dressing room thing is sick. He knew what he was doing and he knew he wanted to hurt her. He even admits as much.
I see Jim is talking the piss out of his housemates, who all loved him, in his stand up now. Nice. What a nice man. Ah, referring to women as 'birds'. NOW. In 2014. Is that OK? As long as that's OK with you, just checking. I'm obviously just 'bitter' and 'man hating'. What a winner. I thought we could never get lower than Denise Welch but this is snake-belly low. This is the bottom of Jeffrey Dahmer's barrel low. He's making fun of DAPPY who said Jim was like a DAD to him. This man is TWISTED.
This has been less of a blog and more of an explosion on Twitter. I just blocked three people and at least two people blocked me. Someone called 'buddha11180' I wasn't even following said they were 'bored of my pathetic man hating rants so fuck off from my timeline'. Not very zen like. Someone else called me 'a bitter aggressive cunt'.
You know what? When you're a feminist it's very easy for men (and self-hating women) to throw words like 'bitter' and 'man-hating' at you, when actually you're pro-equality. That's all a feminist is, someone who wants equal rights. If you're too thick to get that, fuck off my timeline, fuck off my blog, and go watch Nick Griffin's cookery show, or read Richard Littlejohn's column (mind how you go). If you don't want people to be equal - men, women, different races, different sexualities - and that makes me 'bitter' and a 'man hater' that's YOU with the wrong end of the stick, NOT me.
So keep clinging to it. But times are a-changing. And Jim Davidson winning DID set us back, make no mistake about it, but it's just the fucking mob, it's the James Arthur fans, the One Directioners, the sheep, the fusty old straight men, the blinkered old scrotes who can't see the wood for the trees. So just let them rot. They'll never get it, no matter how loud we shout, so why waste our breath?
My best friend texted me and said, 'why are you watching that Jim Davidson drivel?' I guess this is why. To write this.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: The Final - He wouldn't say boo to a ghost

Well, here we are. I'm not as excited about this final as the whole world seems to be, as it's boring when you know who's gonna win, especially when it's a ruddy-faced bigot. But imagine if there were a shock? Then we'd be talking. I'm going to vote for Luisa and Dappy, as I don't think there's much point voting for Casey. OMFG I just voted for Jim by accident then I had to vote for Dappy and Luisa twice to cancel it out. Fumble fingers.I probably just sealed Casey's fate.
It's raining. God is displeased with the potential Jim win. Liz got cheers! Put that tongue away, Lee. Finally, our chance to boo him. Where's Evander?
The last supper! Nothing will ever beat 'my England, my kryptonite' with Heidi demanding more wine.
Casey's speech: 'Dappy, you have a lot of goodness in your body.' OK. Sam's speech: white noise.
If Ollie really likes Sam, why doesn't he try and get off with her? It's not that hard to do. Just pucker up!
Dappy's speech was cute. I believe he does love everyone there. That was nice what he said to Jim. 
'Follow this shit' is a good point: they need to cast the next Big Brother wisely and capitalise in this one's success. 
Aw, it was Casey. Interesting outfit she's got on. She looks beautiful. No people getting evicted two by two like last year at least. No Janice and Mario shame! No vote closing before the show even starts, hehe!
LOL to Jasmine's face when Casey was talking! What a sourpuss. The eye is open! No one is booing Casey, but they're booing Lee and Jasmine! Good, glad he's getting his abuse at last.
Casey is being charming and lovely. I'm so glad the crowd are backing her. I was expecting the interview to be shorter, too, so I'm glad she got a reasonably decent amount of time. Bit mean of Emma to say go and see your friends and 'fam-LEE' though.
Why is Luisa getting booed tonight. Sam's cheers are quite lacklustre. YES, Sam is out next. That was the right result. I don't like her dress, she looks like Jackie Collins. This interview is going to be SO BORING.
We're timing Sam's interview. It was five minutes long. How come they never mentioned Sam being ill in the whole time she was in there, apart from the boils? I feel a bit sorry for her, because everyone's been so hard on her and maybe she was really sick? I mean, who is entertaining when they're sick? I'm not.
Mind you, illness is no excuse for that interminable fauxmance. She said she'll go Borough Market, but I don't think she'll be up for the Tate. Are we going to have to sit through these 'highlights' again when Ollie goes? Save us!
Jim said he didn't hold hands but he's holding Dappy's hand now. I knew it would be Luisa next somehow. My boyfriend just said, 'who on earth is voting for Ollie? That's a real worry.'
I like the fact Luisa booed the crowd right back. 'Let's talk about sex.' Pathetic eviction song. Luisa's giving her 'no bullshit' speech. It's like a mantra. She kind of reminds me of Rachel Reilly from BBUS in a way, just no filter, doesn't give a fuck, totally herself, obnoxious, entertaining.
Me and James just cried with laughter at 'wouldn't say boo to a ghost'. Ghosts don't mind if you say boo to them! That's the international language of ghosts. I missed most of her interview because we were crying with laughter at that.
Luisa: 'I love Dappy's dick!' They should have asked her what she thought about Evander Holyfield's homophobia.
Dappy is doing the 'I'm next' talk. Ollie's third! What is Ollie wearing, he looks like he's got his dressing gown on. It's got a bow on the back. Aw, sappy Ollie. How does he cope in the world?
I like the way Jim and Dappy are sitting on the couch cuddling. Who'd have thought those two would be there at the end.
This interview is going to suck. I think the word 'nice' has been said about 50 times. 'It's all about Ollie, baby.' Ollie should go, 'At least I beat you, Luisa.' WOULD Ollie say boo to a ghost? Depends what the cue cards say, I guess. Ollie as downgraded his epic London date to 'dinner'.
That meant so much to Dappy, you know. He was desperate to win. I don't think I've ever seen the final two so close, kissing each other and everything, are they gay or what, ha. 'I told you.' Jim look pissed off when he won. I like Dappy's zebra trousers. LOL Tulisa is there.
My boyfriend just pointed out that Dappy did come a close second after all. Dappy's going on about his mum and his dick again. Jim's gonna check out all Dappy's DVDs and videos when he comes out.
Jim and Dappy's fishing show FTW.
Dappy: 'I'm more of a softie than Lee Ryan.' Dappy's interview was too cute. It actually feels like he did go on 'journey' from dickhead to sexist to softie. He actually is 4 Real, in his own way.
I feel NOTHING seeing Jim in the Big Brother house on his own, but it's the same way I felt when Charlotte won six months ago. Goodbye house, goodbye stairs. Compared to watching Tim win Big Brother Australia a few weeks ago, which was magical and moving, this is empty and embarrassing. This is a country-wide humiliation.
As I typed in my final labels, one that came up was 'jim davidson is a cunt.' I clicked on it, and up came this blog by me:
In case you're too scared to click, here's a quote from the man himself, about Brian Dowling, two times Big Brother winner: 'He might be gay, poof, shirtlifter, sausage jockey, whatever, it wasn't the fact he was gay, it was the fact he was an arsehole.' These are words from JIM'S MOUTH, you can look up that Piers Morgan show and watch him say it HIMSELF.
OMG, why didn't I find this sooner?! ARGH! That blog ends with the words: 'Jim Davidson; another thing from the 80s to put in the dustbin.' I guess you can't keep a good man down, right?
I also found this one about Hell's Kitchen: which isn't even THAT edition of Hell's Kitchen, but I also tagged Lee Ryan in that post, which is peculiar. Was he in that season? People make you doubt your own mind but if I'm calling Jim a sexist, racist wife-beater in 2007, and it's now 2014, it's not like I fucking DREAMT IT. Stop erasing the past already.
I've heard too many people say that housemates should be judged on their time in the house, and largely I agree, but NOT in this case, and NOT when a comment he made, that had 300 complaints, was about the ultimate Big Brother ALL STAR. Don't pretend you like Big Brother, those who voted for him. You didn't do your research and you made a mistake. And you know what? He will fuck up. He won't keep that act up indefinitely. And then I'll be the one like Dappy saying, 'I told you.' You know I will!
I note Emma did not mention Frank Carson's dressing room and him besmirching the name of a dead man. I notice a lot of things, actually. All of them bad. A sad end to a brilliant series. What you gonna tell your daughter?

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Face down, arse up

Is it really the penultimate episode of Big Brother? it's been a hell of a ride, but with the the extermination of the fanny rat there's nowhere to go but down. The best days are behind us, but there's still a fight to the death ahead. Who will it be? Creepy old man Jim Davidson? Loveable but naive Casey? 'I'm only being honest' Luisa? Schlong swinger Dappy? And... who are the other two again?
Why are Jim and Casey acting like they're in a Carry On movie? I know Lee's gone now, but Jim?!
Luisa is thanking the peasants - sorry, public - in the Diary Room.
I like Ollie and Dappy being mates, it's cute. Dappy and Jim are working out how to get in the bath with Luisa and Casey. I like the fact Dappy, Ollie and Jim are such different men but all get on.
I think Dappy needs to work on his pranks. Tim from Big Brother Australia could give them a few tips: cutting though someone's curling iron wire, and rubbing garlic on their make up brush and then crying when they put an egg in his jacket pocket.
Why is there Fairy Liquid by the bath? Are they using that as bubble bath? Thrush alert! Casey's probably already got it off Lee Ryan, anyway.
Ollie and Sam are upping their game, going on about willies and vaginas. Desperate.
I'm glad Dappy's getting a task. I like it when Dappy has fun. Not good at freestyling? Boo.
Sam Faier's is pretending she could have been fun if she'd had more booze. Ooh, Jim sticking it to Lionel and no one looked happy. 'Acts like he's gay'! Whatever could he mean?! I hope the Jim mob are taking note of their saviour's behaviour tonight cos he's coming off like a bit of a cock.
Dappy's raps are funny! Spotted dick and fake tan. I would have liked to have seen more of that. Jim: 'I thought it was an album track.'
Jim is LORDING it in that house right now. And also being really crude and creepy. Ollie, stop trying to be street. It's bad enough when Dappy does it. Everyone seems very jolly today, even Ollie and Sam.
Ollie's impressions were pretty shit. Don't give up the day job. Oh...
Ollie, stop doing the whispering talk again. I wouldn't mind whispering in the bedroom. Dappy seems to enjoy the sweet talk, lol. He's game. No wonder Ollie's never pulled a bloke if he's been whispering all these years.
Last chance saloon task. Secret questions from the housemates! I like the fact we find out who asked which question. Casey is dealing with this well.
These questions are all about sex! It's rude. That Linda question was blatant editing. It was a good task though.
Fuck you Ollie and Sam's 'imaginary' romance on the OUTSIDE. Who cares about a romance on the outside. Dappy's horror that Ollie doesn't like doggy style.
Sam's fake tan defense for not standing up to Ollie! What is she wearing? She looks like a neon marker.
Dappy is 'the real bed bully'. TMI. He finds Luisa intimidating. No shit.
Jim, stop playing the bad year card! The year is over! And stop being so fucking disgusting. 'It's been an honour.' Spare me.
Luisa, what a trouper, offering to take the boos for Casey. Hmm, I don't like Luisa and Jim's uneasy alliance, it makes me twitch.
Casey seems like a weight's been lifted now Lee's gone.
Jim: 'It's not attractive being intimidating.' Then, 'If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.' That's Jim's gameplan in one sentence. He spelt it out for you. Are you still going to vote for him? Really?
Oh so it's not OK for Luisa to sleep with men because then they might tell the nice men she wants as boyfriends about it. What is this, the school playground? His views are so outdated and narrow-minded. Then he hints he's been to sex parties. So it's OK for him, then? Same old story, no wonder him and Dappy are bros.
Luisa doesn't need to change to meet the right guy. She just needs to meet the right guy and he'll accept her as she is.
Ollie's date sounds exhausting. My feet would hurt after Borough Market. I don't think Sam wants to go to the Tate Modern either.
Jim reminding Casey that Lee's a fanny rat. Mega lols. That's not a term of endearment for you, either, Casey.
Ollie and Sam know how to do some 'harmless flirting'. Where are the cue cards?
And that's it. Save Dappy, Casey and Luisa. With a miracle, someone other than Jim can win it.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I rest my Casey

I was saving that title for when Casey got evicted, but as she won't get evicted til the final now, I'm wheeling it out. Hope you like it.
The unravelling of Lee Ryan, hey? I think that rat's already unraveled. There's just a tail left. 'Why am I suddenly being perceived as a love rat?' Suddenly?! I see he's already been doing the apology tours on Twitter, probably at gunpoint.
Lee Ryan's pasty body makes me sick. Dappy's skinny one don't look much better. 
Casey's mum! Lee's doing some crab eyes. That was really sad. I don't know if that is going to help her or not. Sometimes it's best not to know. 'He's mugged you off, darlin'!' Casey's mum is lovely, too. When she said 'I've got one thing to say' I thought she was going to say something to Lee! She should have stuck it to Lee. But she complimented Jim! Not more fuel for his popularity fire, please. Oh, Jim and his strategic tear drop. I love the way Lee comes over and goes 'it was nice to see your mum wasn't it?' Well, sort of. They're not doing very well at keeping quiet during this task, are they? I bet Ollie's pissed off he never stroked his dog now.
Lee: 'I'm going to have people proper hate me now.' People hated you anyway, tbh. Lee's still trying to wheedle out of it with Casey!
Stop making Lee look like some love rat player! Ha! He DOES know that Casey has feelings towards him! Twonk. 'I'm the only wanker looking like a fucking dickhead.' Well...
OMG! Jim to Casey: 'If you were my daughter I'd still be bathing you.' NOT CREEPY AT ALL.
Who's this rabble who've come in for Dappy? Where's Tulisa and Fazer? Nice of megaphone guy to say he loved Ollie. At least someone does. And they made fun of Lee.
I like Luisa's mum too! LOL why did she tell Jim she loved him?! What is going on? Why is everyone kissing Jim! I thought she was going to have Dappy over 'LOOSE' gate. That would have been my priority as a mother.
Lee's doing a Nick Bateman under the covers. 'That mamma ting really threw me.' Stop speaking like that, Lee! You sound like a twat. I love the way Dappy comforts people. He's really sweet. I might forgive him for 'loose' gate, you know. Has he repented? I might even vote for him again?! I can't decide!
Lee: 'I'm just a cunt.' Dappy: 'I hear you, bro.'
Jim's wife is absolutely stunning and his daughter was beautiful. Trading in five times obviously works. Giving the shirts to Luisa was quite cunty though. Keep your subjugation to yourself.
They are SHIT at this task! They must have about 12,000 fails. Ollie looks nice when he's enjoying himself dancing and not weeping his fake tan off.
Lee's in the toilet crying because Casey's not speaking to him anymore.
Isn't it a bit of a giveaway when they gathered them all on the sofas? And why WAS Lee wearing his coat indoors? Luisa's only thought on Lee's eviction: 'He's gone dressed like that.' He didn't look too bad! Jim is gaming caring about Casey again. Pervert.
Jim wants to know why he's sexist from Luisa so he can change. Hilarious. Oh now he's like, 'You shouldn't have been influenced by that woman.' Did Jim ever find out if he was sexist or not? Didn't think so.
Oh, now onto some power play in the garden with Ollie. 'Are you seeing a fella?' No. 'It doesn't bother me ONE BIT.' One, you're lying. No normal person would have to state that. Two. It's none of your business, so fuck off, you red faced prick. It's like going 'I know a black person!' It's fucking transparent.
Who's cap is Dappy using to cover his knob during his naked pool dive? I hope it's his own.
I'm not even going to comment on Sam and Ollie, it's so fucking dull, I could stab myself silly.
Aw, Casey misses Lee! Shame. Luisa is not very good at counselling. Her cake eating skills seem quite honed though.
Two more days! Bring it on. I want a final three of Luisa, Dappy, then Casey. Don't think I've got much hope though.