Saturday, 25 October 2014

The X Factor: Why of the Tiger

You still watching this formulaic old toot? Me too! Well take my hand and let me lead you through a forest of relentless negativity. Let's see how we're going to be patronised and manipulated tonight. What songs will be murdered? What pointless horrible theme will be foisted upon them (and us)? Oh, Saturday night at the movies. Gross. Only marginally better than 'Big Band' (await Michael Buble Christmas album in the adverts). Also, we call them FILMS. Stop trying to sound cool.
First off, I want to complain about the pink and blue logo. They still have the red and black logo at the start, so what's with this pink and blue bullshit? Red and black is strong! Pink and blue is wishy washy. Don't dilute your brand! Don't tell me Simon Cowell doesn't know about the essence of the brand. Red and black. Sort it out. Oh, the X is gold tonight. Yet MORE dilution! Fools.
So this lot of judges. Don't even get me started. I can't even look at Mel B without thinking of her husband killing a duck. She seems to have completely lost her spark, which I guess you would, if you're in a controlling relationship, where your husband bans the woman who sang the song 'Mama' from speaking to her... Mama. Sad. Cheryl Fernandez-V cares so little about her own identity that she would change her name twice (and probably counting). Does SHE not have a brand to think of? I know why she didn't go back to Tweedy, I guess (criminal record, cough) but really, I find it sad that this supposed successful independent popstar thinks so little of herself. If you want to change your name once, fine. Twice is starting to look dumb. Especially if you're tattooing that shit on you. It's quite sad to see. And Simon and Louis are just Simon and Louis. It's like a time warp. But now I'm getting old. And they look the same.
First up is Jake. On first, so they obviously want him out. Is it just me or was Jake 50 times better looking last year? I dunno if it's his hair or what but he is not doing it for me this time. I liked him last year. This song is fucking AWFUL. He sounds off. Is that falsetto? Morrissey would weep! What a boring performance. Terrible start. Simon doesn't even know who's mentoring this dude.
I miss Blonde Electric! There's no fun act. And no, that dude who did Rick Astley last week doesn't count. I tell you who I don't miss, though; Overload.
Only the Young. How the fuck did they survive doing Come on Eileen? Great phone outfit, though. What is it with this hair all the blokes have at the moment, like a big quiff with really short sides? It's hideous. A quiff is cool, like a Morrissey or Lee Ryan quiff (yeah I said it) but not this fucking boufanty nonsense. I'm so glad I'm not looking to fuck anyone new anymore, I'd be sick. The blonde guy looks like Jedward's older brother. Who is voting for Only the Young? Who is their audience? I like the fact they're actually friends, not manufactured. But really, who is there to like in the band? Everyone is strangely sexless. How do they all know each other? Are they fucking? Are they named after that average Brandon Flowers solo record? I need to know more. That performance did nothing for me one way or the other. It literally went in one ear and out the other. But don't get me wrong, I quite like them, lol.
I have no clue why this Jay James guy is there. He's like a poundshop James Blunt. We're trying to get rid of the other one, why do we need another! Please, no more posh pop stars. It's making me want to go all Russell Brand and start ranting nonsensically. The overs category is an actual embarrassment. It's dumb cos they get rid of loads of good boys and girls for these joke or mediocre acts. And he's singing fucking James Bond. Fuck James Bond and fuck this song. You need to be a woman to sing this song. This guy is too weedy for this song. Seriously, who is going to buy his album? Even my mum thinks he's a dick (probably). God, I hate Cheryl. She's a millionaire, gorgeous and newly married to the not-gay-at-all Jean-thingy whatshisface so you think she could crack a fucking smile once in a while. She always looks like someone's waving a wet fish under her nose, the miserable cow. I wouldn't buy any hairspray she advertised, I'd expect it to give me manic depression.
I was annoyed with Simon dissing Andrea last week as it was so transparently storylined as it's so obvious Andrea is going to win. I've not seen someone as good on X Factor since Leona Lewis. It's an insult for Simon to criticise him. Andrea seems so lovely, too. He even looks a bit cute tonight. And he LOVES PUGS. I want to cuddle him. I hate this song he's singing, though. It's such a warble fest. He's singing it well, though. I love the emotion! Simon is such a twat with his donuts comment to him. Simon is being a prick. His analogy was completely lost on Andrea.
Lola's boyfriend is cute! He obviously likes fish. I like Lola, I thought it was weird when she got sent home. I did like Steph as well, though.  Eek, Lola sounds off. Shit. Oh she got good comments anyway. Never mind.
Next is Paul. My mum's favourite. Yawn! I hate Try a Little Tenderness, too. I can't get excited about this guy. I just don't get it. He's not for me. Was fat, now thinner. So what? Mel B thinks he's like a 'white Jay Z.'
I like Lauren Platt, she's cutesy. Loving her glittery eyeshadow, very Barry M. That song was a bit drab though, but her voice was good. I've just realised I've hardly said anything about what the judges are saying. It's because they're not saying anything interesting in the slightest.
Jack is the most pointless person in the competition. Nondescript voice, nondescript face and another hairsprayed quiff. Swap him with Jake and who could really tell the difference? Probably not even their own mothers. This one bores the crap out of me. I find him about as sexually attractive as I do Louis. Oh dear God, a pared down version of Eye of the Tiger. kjfjjrfjiieeeeueuuuuyrryryryiesjsjsjh. Sorry, that was me banging my head on my keyboard. I remember when this song had a tune. What issues is Mel talking about? Probably some problem with the duck killer she brought to work with her. And Mel might read this (ha!) and go, 'So he killed a duck! It was years ago!' But I say, once a duck killer, always a duck killer. Some things can't be erased by the sands of time.
Anyway. I can't get excited about Fleur. I like the letters spelling out her name. Remember Orla who Cheryl kicked out in place of the pathetic Chloe Jasmine? She was so interesting and cool. Fleur is just blah to me. I do like her little raps, and they're not cringe, which they easily could be, but I'm just not feeling her. Her backing vocals sound loud as fuck this week, too! You think they'd get the hint. Lady Marmalade, go away.
Stevi is getting on my nerves. Bring back Wagner! He looks like his face is melting. He can't sing a note. I can't even see the funny side. Louis agrees with me (worrying).
Simon pretending he goes to Harvester. Last time I went to a Harvester I locked myself out the house. Never again.
I've never seen Footloose, but I have seen the film where Kevin Bacon plays a paedo. I think I prefer that. Not sure it had any songs in it, though.
Dermot seems to be twitching about time tonight. He's making me feel on edge. Hold on, no one has done My Heart Will Go On yet. Talking of sinking ships, why is everyone moaning that this 8 piece boy band has 8... well, pieces, because they fucking put 8 of them together! I think they sing well. Fuck me, though, they ALL have that haircut! ALL OF THEM! Is it obligatory to be in a boyband, like when you join the army?  I like the little tattooed one and the kind of ugly one who seems to be the best singer. There's three I would get rid of, though. One with weird teeth, one who looks like a ventriloquist dummy and the youngest one. Then it becomes a bit more interesting. Oh you could also ditch that one in the baggy grey tshirt. No one would miss him. Also, Stereo Kicks is the worst band name since One Direction. Truly, an abomination. DEAR LORD, Let it Be. I HATE Let it Be. I can play it on the keyboard, though. That and Oh When the Saints, obv.
Ben: 'I used to be sitting at home watching on the other side of the TV.' Why not turn it round, then? I look at Ben Haenow and I just see Steve Brookstein. And we need another Steve Brookstein less than we need another James Blunt.
Is that it? Oh can't it go on for another half an hour (no one ever said). Thanks for reading!

Friday, 5 September 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Pratt's all, folks

Oh, hiya. You still watching? After the amazing Frenchy has gone? Me, too! What a waste, though. What a great housemate she was. I thought vote to save was meant to kill off the deadwood? I don't understand the voting public anymore, I really don't. I am out of touch with popular opinion, thank fuck.
On the subject of deadwood, anyone voting for Ricci and Lauren should have their fingers removed for their own good. But I see they've got 600K followers and 1.2m followers respectively and my heart sinks. Will someone I enjoy ever win Big Brother again?
Beware the unofficial apps! Makes a change from 'Beware the ides of Nicola T', I suppose (Stephen Baldwin reference for you, there, oldies).
Ooh a house divide! About time. How entitled of Edele to go 'the same amount of people voted for me as Gary'. Fuck off! But don't fuck off as much as Dee. Like a less cute Jabba the Hutt on 20 Superkings a day, barking in Gary's face for no particular reason. Seriously, what have we done to deserve her? And she's third favourite to win? Sign me up to Dignitas, pronto. I'll walk there if I have to.
Audley sticking up for Gary for being 'old' and 'set in his ways'. So what's everyone else's excuse for being such a dick in there?
OMG why are Dee and Lauren talking about Gary when he's sitting right there?! Rude fuckers. I wish they'd both drop dead, to be honest. Rotten people. Make Gary a sandwich! Would it really kill you? It's not like you've got anything better to do in there.
They're evicting someone quickly into the show! James and Kellie picking up some boos. Stephanie getting mixed boos. Bewitched: deathly silent. Haha, James was one of two with the most votes. Hilarity. What wags are voting for him?!
Gary is drinking tea while waiting to find out if he's safe. Better than eating an apple, right?
Ha, Kellie went 'Being the bad guy has paid off.' to James. She's not wrong actually. I must admit, I've been warming to James a little this week, he makes me laugh calling out Kellie and Audley, but I think it's just because everyone else is SO deathly dull. At least James owns being an arsehole. He doesn't pretend he's some salt of the earth bullshit like Fake Dee.
Ah a classic shitstir task. They have to fill in a survey slagging each other off. Good stuff!
James is calling Audley out for the cooking strategy ie. doing a Vinnie Jones. LOL James is trying to pin insulting Audley on George. Funny.
Frenchy was right, George and James ARE ganging up on Audley! Audley declaring George has a drinking problem. Ace.
James being mean about Lauren's drinking! 'Popping tits out by mistake'. But he wouldn't admit to it! Coward.
Sweet, Gary is putting Dee on blast! 'A world of anger'. Gary not admitting to his feedback. See, he DOES know what goes on. I'm glad he called her out. Says a lot that he doesn't dare say it to her directly because she's so rude, though. Mother figure indeed!
I'm tired of James vs Kellie and James vs Audley, to be honest. James just wants a row all the time, and he gets the airtime. 'I have friends and a family who care about me' to Kellie is a low blow, I'm sure she does, too. I think James's strategy is to get either Audley or Kellie to knock him clean out, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind watching that.
Oh, now James is coming clean to Lauren, after the fact. He's basically slut-shaming Lauren, saying she can't get her body out 'in case they edit it' to make him look bad to his wife. Dumb. He's just the morality police, the sex police.
I don't think I've seen Geordie Shore once this episode. Good job keeping him over Frenchy, bitches. Monster fail.
James, you don't need an education to be good at arguing. That's a street skill.
I like Audley calling James out for not standing up and admitting his comments to Lauren. James: 'Are you trying to be more interesting now?' Rude cunt. Arguing and disagreeing with everyone isn't interesting. It's tiring. What is James's problem with Audley? Why is he always needling him? God, I hope Audley doesn't go now, or James will be insufferably smug.
Eviction time! OMG, Stephanie is out. Oh well, I do think we'd seen all were going to get out of her. But another American evicted! What gives? Also, she's more interesting than either Edele or Kellie.
Stephanie is beautiful (before and after surgery) but rotten on the inside. You will never be clean, Stephanie. That dirt is in your black heart. At least James will be pissed off she's gone.
Stephanie saying Gary is really mean! Noooo. We've never seen it. She likes George 'as a friend'. No kidding.
Emma getting off the fence there and calling James out a bit to Stephanie, interesting. She obviously hates him, then.
I don't remember Stephanie saying 'we're sick of seeing your cock and balls' in her nomination to Gary, lol.
Emma: 'Would you like to know a secret?' Is it that you can't deviate from the autocue even when Stephanie's already told you she thinks it's a double? If so, that's not a secret.
Ooh just noticed Edele's dress, it looks rather nice. Can someone get Gary a new coat, please? That one is getting more wear than Kevin Webster's.
Oh, Kellie's out! Can't say I'm sorry. Except it's more grist to James's mill of bolshiness. Oh, nice of James to say she looked amazing, like when he called her babe one time, I thought that was decent of him. Aw, that was sweet, the goodbye with Kellie and Audley. Very classy all round. I like her exit music too, and she does look nice. She was just a bit of a draining housemate but I'll put it down to hormones and having to live with James, it can't be easy. I'm glad Kellie didn't get too badly booed, she's fragile.
Kellie: 'I went into the house drunk.' Fair play. She's raising awareness of the transgender community... is Nadia forgotten so quickly? She was a trailblazer for trans people over a decade ago. Luke A won the show with a dual strategy of smoking and not being Conor. Big Brother is very trans-friendly and always has been (except when Coolio's around), it's actually one place we don't need the education.
Surprise surprise, James is sensitive about being perceived as gay.  Kellie going on about Gary being nasty, too. Why are we not being shown it? Kellie has forgotten what happened yesterday. This interview is DRY. Zzzz.
Ugh, a pro Dee question. Yeah, even Jabba the Hutt was nice to people when he wanted a hit on his bong.
I was glad Kellie said she would have been better going in six months down the road, because I think that was apparent. 
Fuck me, did Edele dodge a bullet there, or what? Gary for the win! He needs the money for a new coat! Do they even get anything for winning?! There must be a bonus or something... or is just the faulty fireworks display and bus fare home? Night!

Friday, 29 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Throw me under the Busey

Welcome! It's been a great week for arseholery in the Big Brother house. I read today someone saying 'Why should everyone be judged on how they treat Gary in the house? Can't we concentrate on their other characteristics?' And the answer is: no. Because it tells you all you need to know about someone's character how they treat an old disabled man. I'm not saying Gary is easy to live with. I think Gary is grumpy and self-centred (as well as brilliantly funny and mesmerising). However, when you're shouting at an old man so much your veins are popping out in your neck, or saying an old man is a bad role model for burping when you and your braindead cronies fuck on TV for money, then you make it my problem. Then I'm judging ALL of you, including those just sitting there, saying nothing. Especially you! And how does cheeky Gogglebox George 'aw isn't he sweet?' get away with nominating Gary for being deaf? Audley's nomination of Kellie WAS discrimination. George's nomination of Gary WAS discrimination. Let's not be shy in calling a spade a spade. This is before we even get into James and the way he treats Gary, and the fact that despite constantly condescending him, treating him like he's two and telling him off, James is actually Gary's best friend in the house. I think Gary actually LIKES James. I don't know why, either.
Just a couple of hours of live feed (with adverts) showed you all you needed to know about these contestants, and they are rotten. They only people who didn't nominate Gary are Frenchy and Claire. Bewitched and Dee pretend they're peacemakers, whilst snipping at Gary at the same time. Meanwhile, despite burping, shhing people, interrupting and apparently, stinking, Gary comes across as the most pleasant, forgiving and loyal person in the house. His one liners are bordering on genius. Just looking at him in the background of a scene is more interesting than a whole conversation between Ricci, Lauren, Claire, Dee... should I go on?
Onto tonight's show! George is brave telling James he comes across condescending. James as usual doesn't listen.
I liked James saying to Kellie she shouldn't leave because of Audley. Kellie is such a drama queen. But Kellie has every right to be annoyed about being nominated because she's trangender. 'Audley tolerates me, he doesn't accept me.' I think that's true, you know. I liked Kellie saying, 'you should have talked to me m... woman to man.' That's not an expression people use, is it, 'man to woman'. Men talk to each other MAN TO MAN. Women aren't involved in those chats.
Kellie makes a good point about if she'd said something about Audley being black, or Leslie being gay. But you know what, I think they put Audley in there to set him up for a fall. I think he's dealing with it the best he can. I do believe him when he says 'I'm on your side' to Kellie. He seems like a nice guy, really.
It was brave of Audley to say 'everything I've grown up with I've had to reject.' It takes a lot to admit that everything you've always thought is wrong, but it makes you a better person on the other side of it.
Bless Gary saying he's going to change his ways to George. Doesn't he say that every day though?! Haha! Stay just as you are, Gary. Why does he have to change, but no one else does! He's fine the way he is.
Leslie moaning about being hungry; how did David cope in there! David; remember him? Me either.
Gary is having a laugh with Bewitched. Never washed up! Pull the other one.
Stephanie, you ARE gonna look mean because of the Gary stuff. Because you ARE mean!
Frenchy saying 'shut up bitches' to the booing crowd is class. Ha to the shock of Leslie and Kellie getting booed. Gary's got his sunglasses on. So's Audley. 'Get Kellie out'. Lovely. Kick a girl while she's down!
George is safe 'in no particular order' ie. Gary was saved first. Gary and Audley also safe. Those sunglasses must be deflecting the eviction.
Stephanie: 'Audley told me I need to keep my temper down.' Dee: 'No you don't.' Then Dee has a massive go at him for touching the pizza 'because of Stephanie.' No, because you're Vinnie Jones/ Pauline.
Gary cleaning the kitchen top was cute, if it wasn't for the others all taking the piss out of him as he did it. George gets right on my wick now. 'Doesn't have time' to talk to Gary. He's not even a smoker. (Chris joke there).
Gary and Frenchy - 'I'm a French pussycat.' Meow! Shades of George Galloway here. Frenchy actually talks to him like a fellow human. It's lovely to see.
Oh George, Stephanie isn't going to go out with you. You're not going to get past Spencer. You're not even going to get past your own mum and dad, and your mum's usual response to things is 'aww, isn't she lovely?'
They are trying to show Stephanie 'having fun' dressing up to save her, I guess. George ogling her and then saying: 'Can I have a hessian sack and a cable tie?' Is that a rape joke! Dear Lord. What a loveable cheeky chappie, hey?
Oh, Kellie, stop moaning! You're getting on my nerves. 'Everyone can nominate me'. You're not allowed to say that, are you?
Did you see Stephanie and George staring into each other's eyes when they were waiting for the announcement? It almost looked like the look of love... could believe it if she wasn't a Pratt. She's shrewd!
Leslie got the chop! 'I'm evicted?' Haha, he couldn't believe it. His little bottom lip went out and everything. You GOTTA GO, Leslie! No deciding who's in the final for you. Well unless you vote from home. or the Travelodge. That's warmed my heart, actually. The power housemate twist strikes again! It's always the way. This is a good result.
Leslie is going to take things on board. That's good to know. His clips of him throwing a strop were brilliant! He did have the good grace to look appalled. I think we saw the best/worst of Leslie in those few days.
Emma needs to correct Leslie, he was voted most entertaining BEFORE he started acting the goat.
At least Leslie said he was sorry about Gary, even if he did caveat it with a few things.
Fuck me, Emma actually mentioned the live feed. Astonishing.
No podcast tonight, btw, for those who listen, hopefully it will be this weekend  as Mr. Bile is working. I haven't even see the last two BBUS so I'm really twitching. No spoilers please!
Oh well, off to the scrapheap for you, Leslie. That tenner I put on Gary at 10/1 is looking sweeter every day. Meow! =^‥^=

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: It hurts my heart

Did they rename Big Brother 'Pick on a pensioner' when I wasn't looking? It's not the best, is it? Twice now I've had to rewind incidences of people picking on Gary to get the full horror of it. Not much fun, really.
If Frenchy is 38, I'm 12. She's more like 50. She fancies Ricci and Lauren. There's no accounting for taste, is there, both of them
Why is James bothered about George calling Audley 'Audrey'? What is his problem, as if we don't know! I'm surprised he can cope with Kellie in there. He seems like like people being in strict boxes.
George: 'I'm only good at running if it's to the pub or away from the police.' Love it.
Ugh, shopping task times. Casting couch! I'm surprised they're not doing a shitstirring task first off, they normally do.
I bet Gary Busey goes through a lot of toothpaste. He's got some gnashers on him. Gary drinking the vinegar! Well, he's drank worse, I'm sure. I like the team of Gary and Stephanie. They should team up, not separate! Gary is hilarious. I love the fact they're both going for it! I hope Mark isn't watching. He'll be gagging like hell.
Leslie can't sleep, bless him.
So Kellie is now a lesbian, not a heterosexual male, as Claire said. It IS confusing, though. I don't see why she should spend her life alone.
It is cruel making Lauren and Ricci read this stuff off the autocue, but quite funny, too. I hate that expression 'getting mortal'. It makes me think of that bedwetter who won it. So Ricci has a tiny penis! Doesn't surprise me. Lauren's face is endlessly fascinating.
Lauren saying it's sad that young girls want to be reality TV stars! What?!
Oh, here comes the Gary bashing! They edited the conversation weird so you couldn't really tell what was happening, but from the point we saw, it's just pack mentality. Gary probably 'shh's people because he can't hear unless one person is talking.
David/ Tornado doesn't think he should wait until someone's finished to talk. Er...?
What's Kelly Brook done to deserve this cunt? Seriously! How rude is he? Gary is deaf and you're talking too fast, you chump! I can barely understand what this creep is saying, no wonder Gary can't. Why is Gary having  to apologise to these horrible people? I like the way he went 'I know your limitations' to David, as if to say, 'I know you're a fucking idiot.'
Bewitched looks pissed off in the background. If she opens her mouth she could actually grab a few votes, rather than just sitting there like H from Steps. Dee was frowning, too.
Oh God, here comes James now. A tag team of tossers. I feel sad that Gary doesn't think we have freedom of speech in this country because these twats are bullying him.  'You're not in America!' No, he's a guest in our country! He's a deaf old man. Be polite, you fucking disgrace.
Gary: 'I'm not shhing you people, I'm being interrupted.' Welcome to Big Brother. No one listens.
I love Gary's comebacks. He says really barbed things and they don't even listen. 'It hurts my heart.' Aw.
Then they're all in the kitchen bitching about him. FFS, what a bunch of cunts. I hope they all die, seriously. Have some respect.
OMG even Leslie is having a dig at Gary now. Fucking hell. Is there no solidarity?! The way he just spoke about Gary was horrible. He's a has been? At least he was a WAS at some point! Who are you?! A never was? Little prick. Horrible man. And saying 'he's got to go' is talking about nominations as far as I'm concerned. No, YOU gotta go. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Gary isn't easy to live with. But cut him some slack, please.
Aw, I'm glad Kellie and Claire are backing Gary up. Gary needs someone to talk slowly to him and just give him some time and attention. That's all he needs. He is rude, but he's a deaf old man, FFS.
OMG I just got faith back in Big Brother! They told James off for ostracising Gary. They did it in quite a smart way, too, like not a tell off, but 'can you make sure the other's aren't being idiots' when he's the ringleader of the tormentors. Very shrewd. I'm so glad they did that, I was getting shades of Shilpa Shetty there. I did not like that one bit.
James's response: 'He could be ostracised if he continues to speak to people the way he speaks to them.' How about the way YOU speak to people, you jumped up piece of crap? 'Show respect, care and understanding.' It's sad they have to be told that, isn't it? Really sad. But really amazing that Big Brother actually DID something for once rather than letting us just watch in horror.
Eww, is George sucking Frenchy's toes?! Dear God. Oh and now Lauren talking about her sex life with Mark Wright. Spare me. Hope Tina's not watching.
Leslie's being kept awake at 3am, boo woo. I hope they keep you up all night, Leslie, you nasty little git. Serves you right for picking on a deaf person. Quite ironic, really! Haha. Now Leslie's waking everyone else up by shouting. Irony! I bet Gary's asleep, ner! I'm surprised they let him sleep in the sky pod or whatever it's called. Should pack him off to a hotel, the nasty little shit.
No eviction tomorrow! Please make it vote to save, Big Brother! Gary FTW.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother Redux 2014: You're emotionally bent

Interesting the way Kellie talks about 'Frank' as if he's a separate person, isn't he? I find it fascinating. 'I've won and I've lost.' It's really emotive, but it doesn't feel like an act when she talks about it. Dee seems genuine and warm, too. She seems genuinely interested in what Kellie has to say.
Gary is giving a very heartfelt speech in the Diary Room, saying he loves everyone and his experience was 'set up by the angels'. Let's see how long that lasts. I hate this James guy, he's coming across like a mighty prick.
I wish they'd get a clue that this Duchess thing is not necessary and give it a rest. I find it so boring, when the dynamic is already really interesting, it actually puts a spanner in the works.
I'm not finding the highlights clips very interesting so far, is this the best they've got? Gary in a wig, Audley talking about his childhood, I'm sure it must have been more interesting than this yesterday. Even this crystal meth chat feels quite dull.
They're talking about Gary being mean but I've not seen him being mean. Gary on death: 'Don't expect a tragedy here'. He's the king of the acronym. I like his tall stories and his spiritual nonsense. It beats Mark's tea leaves.
What's the deal with this James guy? Methinks he's after some air time! It wouldn't take a genius to work our who the star of the show is, and it's not his boring arse.
The Duchess crap is finally over. Well done, you fooled two old age pensioners and one loopy French woman. Gary doesn't have a clue what day of the week it is, bless him.
I love the way Kellie talks about her kids! It's really loving. Everyone has treated her really respectfully, too.
Oh here we go. OK, I've watched this twice to make sure I've made sense of what happens. Gary to James: 'You are gay, aren't you?' It's a fairly innocent question, as James is a professional dancer, and a gay friend of mine thought he was gay, too (yes I have gay friends. Just like James does, ha.) James's instant reaction to that was 'fuck off.' Not, 'oh a lot of people say that.' 'Not, no, I'm straight actually.' But 'fuck off.' As if being gay is really offensive. So let's put the next part of the conversation into context. James is so fucking patronising. 'I have gay friends.'
Gary: 'So you're not afraid to get butt-fucked in the air?' Ok, I think Gary WAS joking, but I think he WAS trying to wind James up, too. 
'I've never hit a 70 year old before.' Charming. He didn't like that buttfuck comment, did he, not at ALL! What James said was very threatening.
James: 'I don't mind a cheeky little finger.' OK then. So straight people are allowed to do that, but no butt-fucking?
James: 'When I'm talking, you listen. Look at me when I'm taking to you.'
Gary: 'You do get buttfucked in your imagination.' 
James: 'You should be careful what you say.' That was a direct threat. Gary: 'You should be careful what you take seriously.'
Gary is mental, contradicts himself ALL the time! But I like him. He's the best one. I THINK Gary was joking, he just said it very dryly. Lauren actually defended Gary then, yay: 'that's what Gary's like.' I like Gary saying he couldn't remember what he said, but apologising for it anyway.
It was a good point Gary made when David said 'kiss and make up' James didn't take it seriously, but it was a similar sort of comment.
James is a nasty piece of work, a wrong 'un and a potential closet case. He revealed more about himself in that conversation than Gary ever has.
Buttfucking isn't gay or straight, anyway! Buttfucking is multi-purpose. This apology is hilarious. I love Gary saying 'you're emotionally bent.' There's nothing wrong with taking it up the arse, James. Relax! Gary: 'I didn't know your routine of negativity and restriction.' OMG brilliant! I missed that the first time. Gary is a dry fucker. I'm starting to think he created this whole situation to make James look like a total prick and it worked well. James: 'We don't say things like that in this country.' Don't speak for a country, you twat! Gary can say whatever the fuck he wants (within Big Brother's rules, ha.) Gary is so magnanimous in the face of this super douchery. That whole scene and the bit outside is worth watching twice, it really is.
Not even worth mentioning Ricci and Tornado in the tree house or whatever the fuck it's called. I can't even bear looking at that Ricci's face. These people are amoebas.
Dee thinks Gary is interesting. I like Dee, she seems sound. 'I came in not once, but twice.' I loved it when she said Kellie looked gorgeous and it doesn't take much to sit and listen to someone. Too true.
Why is Stephanie bagging on her fellow American?
Why is James still banging on about James! 'Look at me when I'm talking to you.' No, you're not very interesting AT ALL. This guy is so pompous.
Something sad about Gary saying 'there's a great party atmosphere' while sitting on his own in the garden.
Stephanie: 'Who would you rather have kill you, David or Gary?' Bit of a strange question. That's the Pratt lineage for you.
This rock paper scissors 'game' is making me feel very uneasy. They're trying to wind Gary up and I don't like it. It feels like they're all laughing at him! He's an old man, FFS, let him sleep. I hate these people. Except Gary. And George. And Leslie. And Dee.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: We're all Royal here

Hiya loves! I enjoyed that live feed last night. An hour of Gary Busey going 'what?' and genuinely enjoyable. More please!
Recap times! I like seeing some of the bits you don't get to see but there's just too much we've already seen.
Oh so Dee's task was for the food budget after all. Yawn! David: 'It's not hard to trick Americans' in front of Stephanie. Rude! He's not exactly Stephen Hawkins himself.
So I'm seeing a picture of Gary and Frenchy together and it says they dated for two years; and he didn't even recognise her last night! WTF. That can't be possible, can it? Unless she's had so much plastic surgery, she's unrecognisable. It's possible.
Lauren patronising Gary Busey! Wrong! Gary: 'TEAM: Together everyone acheives more'. Brilliant. That's Celebrity rehab talk for you. George: 'I'm on a show where people watch people on TV.' Gary: 'Wow.' Gogglebox sounds like the most English word ever right now. Go-Go box sounds like a fun nightclub.
Edele on Dee: 'She's 21st in line to the throne.' Gary: 'We're all Royal here.' Gary is going to be king of the one liners. Might as well just forget about the other housemates when Gary's in the house. He's making up for ten housemates.
This twist is totally pointless as well, although Dee is dealing with it very well. She's coming across a lot better than I thought she would.I like Kellie and Dee bonding. 'This isn't the worst thing you've had to go through?' That was quite touching. Dee came across quite caring there. It could be gameplay but I like to think not.
I like Leslie, he's a cutie pie. He likes Mike Tindall, lol. Lying about his age, too! I think Kellie was on to him, though.
I think George is going to give good Diary Room. He's a TV critic, basically, so he should do.
Gary and Dee are cracking me up. I love the fact he says everything's an honour. Gary: 'We're going to have some fun.' Don't talk to Gary about rehab! He's written the book. I love Gary. I admit it. Gary to Dee: 'We're going to build you a throne!' He is amazing. I still don't think it's quite right him being there. But he's TV gold. I'm rubber-necking, but it's still gold, like Stephen Baldwin on steroids.
Claire to Frenchy: 'What are you here for?' Frenchy: 'I like to get naked a lot.'
I can't stand Edele. She comes across really cold. Lauren and Ricci are a waste of space, too. I don't like Emmerdale or Tornado either.
Leslie seems VERY smart, except for the Duchess nonsense. Surely he'd know a Duchess would be posher? 'Not ready to vote Gary out yet.' Give it time!
Lauren is such a fish face. What HAS she done to her face?! She makes Amy Childs look natural. Still, I bet she smells like peppermint. A wet arse? I thought the Geordie Shores were the bedwetters. I guess it's going cross-reality now.
I like Dee, she's quite matter of fact. I think she quite suits that outfit. Frenchy: not impressed by hunting. 'Swans are magnificent.' Bless her. I love the French accent. My boyfriend thinks Frenchy knows it's a task. They all seemed to know each other's names, so I wouldn't be surprised.
James: 'What's your favourite movie you've ever been in?' Gary lists ten different films. The spirit of Patrick Swayze came through him. George: unimpressed. James: trying to say sexist things to shock. Oh dear.
I like the way Frenchy says, 'Douchesssss!' That James guy is a dick.
What has Lauren been drinking! She looks hammered! She's making a smashed final two with George. Lauren: 'I wanna be sober now.' George: 'I wanna be as drunk as you.' I'd rather get off with George than Ricci.
Oh god, not the 'we all get along so great' speech. Gimme a break. Give it two days, they'll be tearing each other's throats out.
James has got 'energy envy' about the youngsters. He's not there to necessarily cause any trouble. Just bore us all to death.
We heard Gary talking about having his own double bed on the live feed last night. Oh dear, he's shushing them. I think he's laughing, though. Imagine those teeth glinting at you in the night. I think anyone who takes on Gary though, does so at their peril. I can see him having a lot of public support. I like all the Americans actually. Not much Stephanie Pratt in that episode, though! Spencer must be fuming.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Point Broke

Evening all! Well, so far this year we've had two horrible winners: Jim Davidson and Helen, if you need reminding. So we're now looking to make it the hat trick. Put everything you own on whoever has the worst odds; or whoever's on Richard Desmond's payroll, or whoever it's fixed for this time. Basically, the biggest twat.
Hold up, where's Super Cassandra! I like Emma Willis's dress. Say no more. She's promising electric shock suits already, brace yourself, they've obviously pushed the boat out.
White Dee in first. Well she's the biggest arsehole so far, but she is first in. Still. She's moaning about editing on Benefits Street, wait until she gets on Big Brother. I didn't watch Benefits Street, because I don't like looking down my nose at poor people. I just like looking down my nose in general at people. She's got some big boobies on her. She seems like she's going to be the new Pauline, maybe? So the 'celebs' have got a new comfy sofa, still looks quite cheap, though.
Next in is someone from Strictly Come Dancing, James, so only your mum will recognise him. Commence the clapping. He doesn't like cooking. He looks like Benedict in that flat cap. Nail down the chairs. 'I've been on Imodium all day.' Lovely. His girlfriend looks pretty. Dee knew his name! I hate it when they all know who's going in. She seemed quite warm with him. I think she could go either way; be a nightmare or be alright.
Next in, someone from Emmerdale, Claire. Just what we don't need, a new Tricia Penrose. This is like a mum's edition of Big Brother. It's like Gillian Taylforth but they couldn't afford her. 'Ey up.' She's got huge boobs, too.
Next in is Kelly Brook's bit of stuff, David. Didn't he crash a van full of badgers?! He's even admitting it. Ha. Why was he driving a van full of dead badgers anyway? Is he some sort of professional badger botherer? The crowd are booing him and I'm not sure why, but he does seem annoying. Kelly Brook is too nice for him.
Oh dear Lord, not a twist already. They are setting Dee up, making her become royal. Give her the crown, and evict her already. She has to fool the Americans that she's a Duchess. That means they'll be American or foreign then. Good! I'm fed up with these English no-marks.
Oh, this is going to be interesting. Kellie used to be Frank, a boxing promoter. Transgender people normally do well on Big Brother. Nadia, Luke A, Lauren Harries. Kellie will be an interesting character, either herself, or in the way people react to her and reveal themselves.
Audley Harrison is actually famous! My brother used to have a friend called Lee Harrison and we used to call him 'Old Lee Harrison.' Here's hoping he's not another Evander Holyfield. Does he know Kellie? He's mentioning 'ground rules'. I hope he's not going to be the new Vinnie Jones.
Audley does know Kellie! 'Do I have to call you Kellie?' 'If you want to get paid for your next fight.' This is going to be an interesting dynamic that could make or break either of them.
Next in Lauren Goodier. According to my boyfriend, the fat one, but not the fat, fat one. Charming! So tired of the Towies. She's wearing a mint coloured jumpsuit. Not sure that's the right look for her. I think she's got a wedgie.
GOGGLEBOX! George FTW. He's one of the worst people off Gogglebox, but still, Gogglebox! He's worried women have an ulterior motive because he's on Gogglebox. How much money do you get off being on fucking Gogglebox?! I can't stop saying Gogglebox. Send in Sandra! Send in the poshos! Will people on Gogglebox be watching this? It's a shame it's not on at the moment. I like the way he poured that drink, like it was the last drink he was ever going to drink.
Next in Edele from Bewitched. No, I'm not writing the asterisk. She can't even spell her own name. She likes being honest. This is from the 'say it to your face' school of Big Brother bullshit. I think she might be the biggest arsehole in Bewitched, and that's saying something. 'Do you do eyelashes?' Weird way to say hello. They are all standing round very awkwardly! The crowd don't look too cheerful either. I think Helen has worn us all down.
In next is Ricci from Geordie Shore. No, me neither. Another spelling that's going to get on my tits. The Geordie Shore people are cheap and unimaginative. Even cheaper than TOWIE wankers.
Next is Stephanie Pratt. I did watch The Hills, but obviously not Made in Chelsea. I liked her on The Hills. Her face looks different, though. What could have happened? Spencer got her on the show, haha. She looks weirdly like Heidi in a way. That's not creepy, is it?!
Where the fuck is Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee?
Remember when Germaine Greer had to wait on Jade Goody? That didn't work out so well, did it? Can't see this Dee thing going much better.
Next in is some old fella off Will and Grace, Leslie. Even if Will or Grace went in I wouldn't recognise them. He has been told 'you have to have strategy'. Don't worry, you don't. Oh my God, he's tiny. He's like a mini Christopher Biggins. He could be funny, you know. I like him!
Next up is some French woman off Rock of Love, Frenchy. That's a bit niche. She loves pink and she looks like someone you see in an 80s porno. You kind of hope that women who look like that don't exist anymore but then you see they do. 'Obviously I like cock.' Obviously. She likes guys who are 18-23 with big willies. That's a specific market. Is she old? I can't tell.
Gary Busey! Point Break! Celebrity Rehab! He was a legend on there. That's good that he's got sober, though. He looks a fucking state though! I liked his speech before he entered the house. 'It's an honour be here.' OK. Emma is having to help Gary into the house! Three questions! Haha! What were the three questions. He thought Audley's name was Orgy. Frenchie knows him! She said her name was Angelique. Oh God, this isn't right. He can't understand anything anyone's saying. This is taking awkward to a new level.
White Dee is going back in as Duchess Deirdre. Is that the poshest name they could think of? I think Claire is blowing this twist already. The twist was so overblown and then they spent two seconds on it. I don't think Dee's heart is in it. I can't get over Gary Busey. I actually can't get over it. Dear God. God help us all. Come back Helen, all is forgiven.