Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Whatever you've heard, it's from a pack of sheep

Bant-urgh
Who goes? We decide. Makes a change! I don't even know who's up for eviction, so what gives? It all feels a bit cobbled together this series. I liked this series until the first eviction. Now it just feels like a conveyor belt, like when they swapped people with that glittery loo roll and they didn't swap Danny Wisker (ugh) but we did get Marc O Neil (so that was something). We get invested in housemates, when you evict them, it's like when our favourite dies in a soap. If it's a democracy, it's just about bearable, but the Austin bullshit was deplorable, and even Jasmine got the shaft, but, weeeeelll.
Interview with Jasmine. I like her 'get it in the back door' joke. She does joke!
Jasmine is used to a healthy lifestyle, not the toxic atmosphere of the BB house. Emma is not a fan of Jasmine's foul mouth. Why does she have to rein/reign (both look wrong) in the language? It's past the watershed, stop being so prissy.
Jasmine admitted in her interview that she dated Calum before. Mind you, who hasn't?
Emma thinks the crowd are booing her. They probably are cos she's so uptight, her hair looks shit, and yet more office wear. Sigh. The way she told off Jasmine there just reminded me of all the things I hate about Emma. Stuck up.
New housemates are immune from nominations but can still vote. Bullshit. The new housemates are like when your favourite in a soap gets replaced with a different actor but playing the same character. Not good.
I like Kim winding Nicola up. So much for respect for your elders. Mind you, Kim is a mega cunt. Is she for real, or is she faking it? I can't even tell anymore. She seems totally insane.
James J nominated Jedward and Speidi. BOOO! Bad noms. James J nommed Jedward. Ugh. Yet also Calum! Yay.
Calum nommed James J and Jedward. Chloe nominated Jedward because she's 'heard they're shit stirrers'. I liked Jedward saying 'whatever you've heard it's from a pack of sheep.' Too true. Chloe also nommed James C, prob cos she gets the vibe that he (correctly) can't fucking stand her.
Jamie nominated Jedward for 'thinking it's the Jedward show' and for 'wanting to win the show'. Um, isn't that the name of the game? To win? Twatface.
Jamie also nommed James J for calling him 'a washed up footballer'. Another fact.
Coleen nominated Jedward and Jamie.
OMG Speidi nommed James (which one?!) for being a threat (oh, James C) and Jamie for 'unaccetably screaming at Jedward.' Not cool! Not cool is right.
Bianca nominated Jedward and James C. Bad noms.
Jedward nominated James J and Nicola. Why not Jamie after the way he shouted at them! That was a fail.
Jessica nominated Coleen and James C. New people should not be allowed to nominate, who cares what they fucking think? No one cares who Pointless Pav or Sam 'loving life' votes for. Then they just get evicted all in a row. We know the drill.
Kim nominated Nicole (Nicola), got angry when Nicola corrected her name and moaned about 'gang handedness' again and then started to fake cry. Start calling Kim Karen and see how she takes it. 'It's a shame such a lovely girl with a kind heart is such a bitch.' Those two things don't go together. Kim also nominated Bianca for no reason. She's nuts.
Nicola nominated Jedward for being 'defensive'. No wonder they're defensive, everyone's having a fucking go at them. Nicola nominated James C because she doesn't want to swear in front of him. What?! That is NOT a reason.
Stacy nominated Jedward for being 'covertly hostile.' Jedward are twitching. One in particular is taking it worse. These noms are putting me on edge. I hate the way they're talking to Jedward, it's disgusting. Bad atmosphere!
James C,  James J and Jedward on block. I don't want any of these three to go when the three new people are still there. It's not fair! Fuck you, Big Bro. Crowd chanting 'get Jedward out', fuck you as well, creeps.
Still, that was good for Jedward getting kicked just before the lines opened, cos people feel sorry for them then.
What has Nicola actually done to Kim? Is Kim going senile? She's batty as fuck. I LOVE the term 'gang handed' though. Stacy trying to talk sense into her. Don't bother. Stacy swerved the noms well there, didn't she? Stacy is back under the radar, nice work.
I think James C is ready to go. I want him to stay but I feel he should go, cos this is beneath him. It's beneath me watching it.
I like the way one Jedward acts like he's personally attacked when they have a go at both of them. He's like 'the reasons you nominated me..' not 'us'. Imagine being so close to someone that you're a me not an us. That's cool.
Jedward just tried to ask James J what the problem was and he walked off, so what can they do?
Why is Kim intent on saying they'll all not be friends? 'Why is James Cosmo being voted out because he's nice... cos the world is a miserable place.' She's actually right. That's why they swapped Austin for her and the Geordie Shore numpty (not much airtime for her tonight, what a shame.)
Kim is pushing Spencer and everyone looks on edge. I think they're missing Austin's brand of wonky eyed unhingedness rather than Kim's. What has Nicola done to Kim?! Nicola is being quite restrained. I think I'd cry if I was her. It's great for her game though if she plays it right.
The crowd are like a baying mob. Gross.
OMG James Jordan got evicted! Sweet! James C seems to be building up quite the momentum! I think it's an anti newbie vote. Don't bother nomming James C, he's untouchable!
Although I hate him, I still think it's criminal James Jordan has gone with some of the others still in the house. He was at least trying to entertain us, and he knew he was a cunt, he wasn't just a cunt trying to disguise he's a cunt like Jamie or Calum.
I'm not surprised Jedward were saved with the way they were 'gang handed' just before the vote was open. Hopefully James Jordan will think twice about the way he spoke to them. Unlikely, though.
Why are Jamie and Calum looking so glum in the background?
I thought James's interview was quite good. He comes across quite well apart from his annoying voice and going on about 'banter.' Ick. Lol, was Spencer really crying at him leaving? Good God. My England, my kryptonite. Up your game, man!
Will James C still be James C now James J has gone? Luke A never shook off that A, did he? Luke S, though. He knows how to shake off a whole suitcase full of cash. #neverforget #onemississippi
I was feeling very depressed in the first half of that show, but James Jordan's eviction saved it for me.
Time to kick out some newbies, please. It said when they went in, one wouldn't last the weekend. So why are there still three hanging round, cluttering up the place? DUMB. I hate it when Big Brother forgets to go through with it's own twists.
Anyway, somewhere on a sofa tonight, White Dee is angry, Audley Harrison is laughing and Gary Busey is honking at the sky.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm as fake as your face

Hair and scare
So I took a little break from my blog for the weekend to calm down a bit, ha, Why should I do this shit daily when they treat us like such chumps? I'm embarrassed for myself. This is CBB but we have Americans watching, we have Canadians watching, we have Australians watching. Let's not piss the bed and act like that's normal. Not again.
So I know someone has been evicted already but I've avoided spoilers! Go me. But also, fuck you, Big Brother for not doing it live and ruining it for so many people. They never learn.
Fuck me, what does Calum Best smell of? I think he should bring out an aftershave called 'Inexplicable'. All the women love him! He's gross. I don't get it! It's not just that he's got a face like a potato, it's this fake nice guy, 'reformed lothario', retired fanny rat bullshit when we all know the second he gets out the house he's gonna be balls deep in whatever fanny's nearest.
Kim's career advice to Chloe: 'Don't stand on a corner and say £20 for a blowjob. If you're going to sell your body, go to an escort agency.' She thinks the Geordie Shore house is a brothel. Weeeellll. 
So now three people get to escape from Hell. It's gotta be Speidi. If Speidi go on this twist, fuck all y'all. Ooh, they get to eliminate each other if they get a question right, like on 15 to 1.
Spencer still annoyed James C got called a dreamboat, apparently.
I love Stacy wreaking revenge on Jasmine. She fucked Austin, and next she's gonna fuck Jasmine. Bhahahaha!
Oh, so the housemates have to all agree on who must never return. Bet they go for James C. Easy target. They haven't got the balls to go after Speidi. They won't go after Calum Best for obvious reasons. Jasmine... at a push. Let's pray it's Jasmine. Oh, surely not Stacy? They better not.
Nah, deffo James C. Easy target. The 'he wants to go' defence.
Stacy: 'I'm as fake as your face' to Jasmine, lol. Ooh so it's between Speidi, Jasmine and James C. Please let it be Jasmine, she's useless and a cunt. They could have swapped one of the others out. Choosing between three is rough. I don't like the random nature of this. I don't like the random way the housemates were chosen, or battled out. It's like when they spun that fucking wheel to evict someone. NOT COOL. That's not what we signed up for. Mind you, I think we signed up with Channel 4, not Channel 5, so I'm not sure those terms and conditions apply.
Why's Geordie Shore wearing Frank Butcher's glasses? Poor James C stuck in Hell with Jasmine. Oh, not for long. Now the housemates get to evict.
Who goes? The housemates decide. It better not be Speidi. It better not. I'm gonna FLIP. If they were smart, they'd evict Speidi. But I'm pretty sure Speidi's contract is water tight (get it? Water? Never mind).
The housemates are deliberating. They are all going 'on the one hand...' blah and 'on the other hand' blah. Classic BB.
This is like when they did that vote between Kelsey and Loveta on BBCAN but this is better.
I love it when Spencer calls people 'm'dear.' He's not been doing it so much lately. HUNDO it's in Speidi's contract that they can't be evicted like this. Fuck this. They aint going out like that, they aint going out like that (they aint going out!)
Bet Calum never stuck up for Jasmine. Probably wants her out the way so he can keep pretending to be a born again virgin. I'm so glad I don't know the result cos I actually feel tense. Don't send James C out like that! Get rid of Jasmine!
Ooh, they have to open a door and one leads to the outside world! That's a cool spin on it.
Spencer and Heidi look shit scared! I bet Spencer's glad he was nice to people for about five minutes this series. Ooh they're saved. Good! That's what a good lawyer will do for you.
They should have all opened at the same time! More tense.
OMG Jasmine has gone! I guess that's what you get for not bothering to endear yourself to the other housemates except for one who you're looking to fuck. Everyone knows it's all about the numbers. This one's for Casey Batchelor!
LOL James C looks pissed off to be staying. Hilarity. I'm glad the housemates did the right thing. I didn't have much faith in them.
The others are all justifying evicting Jasmine. She would have only got booed for having a vagina anyway. Kim is arguing with Nicola. 'Gang-handed' I like. That sounds like fun. What is up with Kim! She's a volcano. She's having a go at EVERYONE.
Is James rattled by Kim? I think he's more annoyed by her. She's his new Busey. James J works best with an OAP nemisis.
James C said it's nice to get saved, aww. I love James C! So cute. Dreamboat! He needs to make it to the final now. Ted has tried to get rid of him twice now! I see you, BB producers. James C dodged both bullets.
James Jordan to Spencer: 'This house has changed.' Yes, there are now crappy, cut-price housemates and no Austin. They thought Austin drank a lot until them met Chloe.
Ooh, Spencer is winding James J up about what Calum was saying in Hell! Yes, he's still got it. I've still got faith in Speidi. They're just on a low setting this year.
James C: 'I nearly walked into the wall cos I was ready to go.' Haha. I'm glad James was touched. He's in a new kind of Hell now.
Ah, Chloe is jumping in Jasmine's grave, quick smart! These bitches have replaceable heads as far as Calum's concerned.
I don't think Chloe really fancies father-of-one-but-he-never-mentions-it Calum. I think she's just reading it off a cue card. Hold on, she can't read. She must have an ear piece in then.
Spencer's face trying to understand Chloe. Then encouraging her to go for Calum! Haha. Good work!
Ooh and Jessica is flirting with Calum in the garden. There's not enough Calum to go round in that house. Chop the cunt up, let everyone have a piece.
Apparently Jessica is loud. I've barely heard her say anything. She's grasping for a storyline, but no joy.
I thought they were going to kick one of the new lot out. Get on with it! And make it two. Or three.
No one seems that sad Jasmine's gone.
Coleen: 'Calum's not interested in any of us.' ANY OF US. Hahahahaaaaaa. Oh, Coleen.
Chloe on Calum's lap trying to kiss her, awkward. His girlfriend only got evicted today! I say girlfriend. I love the shot of Calum's hand on Chloe's arse. The camera man knows what's up!
Chloe: 'Let's take it slow' to Calum. Calum is wishing his mummy was still there to save him.
Stacy angry because she knew Calum ten days before and fancied him then. Read that back and see how ridiculous it really sounds. Stacy, Coleen, Jasmine, Jessica AND Chloe ALL FANCY CALUM. And Calum fancies Calum (thanks to Jemima_80 on Twitter for adding Calum to that list as I'd missed him out.)
Not very good acting from that maggot Chloe there having a fake strop. Really crap. In her bra. Michael Jackson in a bra. I can see why Calum's not interested, to be honest. Coleen is a more appealing prospect, by a mile.
Seriously, if all Big Brother has got for us from now on is Calum Best, pussy magnet, and Kim shouting at people, I'M OUT. I'm half wishing Jasmine had stayed to put this Geordie gargoyle straight. Seriously, you are testing my patience, Big Bro. I enjoyed the doors thing, but that could easily have been another huge upset if the housemates had used their brains and evicted Speidi.
BTW I did do a new podcast which covered the weekend's events, so if you're audibly-inclined, listen here. Cheers!

Friday, 13 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Fuckin' hell

Worst bits
I just voted to save Austin, Speidi and James C (hey, big spender). I think Stacy will be safe and I want Angie to go.
Ugh, Emma has got her hair in that bad style again. I like her coat, though. But not the rapist gloves.
Whhhhhhat so the housemates have to kick one out?! I just voted for James C! If they kick him out, I'm going to be pissed. They could tell us that earlier! It moves the goalposts a bit.
Why is Calum upset that Jasmine woke up in bed with him! Still trying to manage his image? It's getting boring now. He'll be on her like a rat up a drainpipe if his mum goes.
Look at the state of that room, it looks filthy. Calum and Jamie almost having a 'slutbucket' moment eyeing up Bonka.
Jedward 'risk their lives every day squeezing their junk into skinny jeans.'
Jamie doesn't like Jedward cos they're not like he was at 25. What, knocking up a racist?
Why is Spencer growing that beard! Groo.
Nicola did not 'trap' her boyfriend by getting pregnant, Twitter idiots. Takes two to get pregnant. If he doesn't want a baby, he should wear a condom.
Why is everyone on the block asleep! You think they'd be worried. Obviously high tension there.
They have to give each other anonymous punishments / reward. Jedward are going to perform three albums' worth of material for Jamie, haha.
Spencer calling Calum: 'Mummy's boy, ego maniac and two faced.' Haaaa!
Jedward on slop! Jasmine reading mean tweets, what a shame. I can't believe she's affected by it. She's so heartless. I like Stacy's secret glee.
Austin still living off the Marc Jacob files. He met Spencer and Heidi and called her a bitch. Spencer is calling it as fake news. Spencer is getting quite aereated.
Spencer: 'I don't patrol the borders, do I look like Donald Trump?' Both surly blondes.
Jamie is on a date with Jedward and James Jordan is in prison (of sorts).
Jedward just eat chicken and grapes. That's healthier than my diet. I'm liking the volume on Jedward's hair today.
Jasmine: 'How dare people say things on Twitter?' They dare!
Why does no one go after Bianca? Has she got a boyfriend?
Does anything ever come out of James J's mouth that's not a wind up! He does make me laugh despite myself sometimes. Don't tell anyone.
Jasmine throwing her mic (doing a Chima) and calling Big Brother a cunt. Rude! OMG she's frying her microphone. That seems a bit dangerous/ unhygenic. She's worried about her 'reputation'. Lol. Too late, man, too late.
Everyone is getting booed except James C! He'll be the one to go, ha. I can't hear a chant of 'get someone out.'
Angie is first out! She's pretending she's pleased. Calum is pretending he's sad. Angie nearly walked into the door. The double staircase confusion again.
This interview isn't even worth talking about. Zzzz. Angie still pretending she doesn't know what a gameplan is. Speidi will be pleased to see her go. Stop calling everyone babes! It's like the GC is back. Oh God, she's not back, is she? Angie calling Spencer 'a diamond.'
I hope Speidi are just laying low before they attack. I don't like this 'toned down' Speidi.
The weekend from Hell has begun! Austin looks really nervous! He'll be OK though.
And we're back!
So the housemates have to evict the most boring housemate. They will either fudge it or evict James C.
OMG the new housemates. I don't even know who two of them are. CHEAP. Great, a cut price Charlotte Crosby. Kim Woodburn and... someone else. Chloe, Jessica and Kim.
Argh, Emma in the house. Eek, new housemates with masks on. Creepy.
OK, the housemates have to write down the names of the housemates they want to evict. But it should be who's the dullest.
So far votes for Stacy, Bianca, James Jordan, Austin, Jedward, Calum. OMG Calum has had two votes, from James J and Jamie! OMG, Austin, Calum, Jedward and James C all have 2! Stacy voted Austin! OMG Austin is out! He's not the dullest! This is bullshit. At least he's not going out via the public's hand. 'It's time to cull the dull.' Catchy.
Stacy got her revenge on Austin there! Big time. I guess he wanted to go home and see his boyfriend. anyway.
So the housemates didn't know he would get voted out off the back of that. I wish it had been Calum!
You know what I was saying about Geordie Shore people and how I was happy there was none in there? ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.
Poor Austin. He didn't deserve that. He's not the dullest! The poll should be null and void. I'm pleased James C survived, but not at the (Arma)cost of Austin. 
Austin won't call Speidi Speidi, he won't give them that satisfaction.
I'm not sure Austin is that gutted to go, really. He seems OK. He's probably relieved in a way. But as a viewer, I'm not.
Austin: 'The British people fell in love with me.' He's like Princess Diana.
OMG. Austin has no best bits. Because they couldn't be bothered to do best bits for everyone. I bet they had James C's best bits ready. WHAT A JOKE! How cheap ass of them. Kim Woodburn instead of Austin. Fuck you, Big Brother. Austin didn't deserve that. NOT A GOOD SWAP. Bollocks.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Are we human or are we Jedward?

Why?
Land of nod task is ongoing. We're tired of it already. Dream clouds! I think the entertainment value is done there.
Aw to James C comforting Stacy when she's crying. What a lovely guy. Quite dull, but lovely.
We don't even GET to know why Brandon is having a hard time, he's so dull. Give us a crumb, Brandon! Throw us one bone, mate.
Angie enjoyed arguing with Stacy last night. OK then. She's such an arse. Why is everyone on Stacy's case? I don't even like her but it's not pleasant to watch. She's got Austin, Angie, Jasmine and Nicola on her case. Is she being bullied? She's definitely being marginalised.
Jasmine is annoyed by an unspecified Jedward waving a banana in her face. 'I don't even know if they're human or have feelings. They're just robotic little wind up toys.' Weeeelll. That's their main appeal!
Stacy knows Tom Cruise from being a Scientologist. Now James is slagging off Scientology, oops. Stacy: 'It's pretty phenomenal.' Ah, she's admitted she's one. 'Well, if it works for you.' This means, 'You're nuts.' I'd ask her more about it! It's interesting.
Jamie 'treats women like an an animal in bed.' The old Fatboy chat up line, hey. Mind you, he's a footballer, so not sure he should brag about that. They're not known for their appropriate sexual conduct, are they?
At least Brandon came back to say goodbye. I would have just skulked out of the diary room cos I hate goodbyes. James J crying, lol. Spencer's probably like, another one bites the dust. Two down... how many to go?
Brandon and James C's heartfelt goodbye! Aw.
Jedward are like my friends stopping me trying to leave the pub. If he wants to go, he wants to go. Give the man a break.
James J to Brandon: 'You didn't affect anyone else.' Especially not the viewers.
OMG I can't believe Jamie kicked off at Jedward like that! They were trying to be nice. Jamie is an aggressive twat. What did they even do?!
'What's real about you? You're the biggest joke act I've ever seen. You're just fucking noise.' What are you? A pug nosed, midget, racist-marrying, wife-leading-on piece of shit, fuck off. I think he actually upset Jedward. They DO have emotions!
Brandon is getting so much airtime, honestly. Leave already!
Speidi counselling Jedward, I love it.
Jamie: 'I don't like arguing.' You didn't argue, you just shouted at two people for no reason who were trying to be nice. Jedward ARE adults, FFS. Patronising twat. The way they dealt with him and didn't rise to it showed that.
Another shit stir task, quoting the housemates. They fucked up the 'Bonka from the strip club' line. Haha, Jedward got called on the 'biggest nobodies' line. Loved James J calling them 'nasty little fuckers', hahaha. Jedward on backtrack mode, lol.
Calum is constantly trying to manage his mum, ha. I hope he's having a shit time in there. Both him and his mum are ruining my experience of the programme.
Austin admitting to Coleen that 'he has an issue with drinking.' Well, that's the first step. The second is to drink less. I shant hold my breath.
Angie, stop pretending you don't know what a gameplayer is. Calum's face is a picture every time his mum talks. He looks under the cosh.
Oh, the task is over. They passed the shopping task. I don't even remember there being a secret aspect to it.
Oh god, new housemates are coming tomorrow. I bet it's someone cheap. It will be some TOWIE wankers. And the weekend from hell. I wonder what that means. I'm hearing rumours it's Bear. God, I hope not. Ruthless. If it's the weekend from hell, just put Katie Hopkins, Perez and Bear in, job done.
Bianca's one job in the house, trying to keep Austin on a leash. She does a reasonable job of it.
Austin vs Stacy again, zzz. Stacy is right, she can talk about whatever she wants. Having knowledge of getting yourself papped is hardly something to brag about. Just ask Lisa Appleton.
Jamie on Jedward: 'They're either really dumb or really clever.' That smoking crew are coming off like a bunch of cunts and bullies. Jedward got more readies than you bitches put together.
Nicola: 'I just want to leave to cheers rather than boos.' Good luck with that.
Austin is trying to argue with Calum about the size of his feet. Then saying he likes Stacy. WTF. He's either drank too much or not enough. I'm glad they're being nice to Stacy for once. I guess Jedward are the new kicking post.
Jamie: 'You're coming across amazing' to Nicola. Calum: 'We will break this chick.' That's Calum's true personality leaking out. Oozing out, I should say.
Jasmine to Stacy: 'You have so much to offer this world, I love you.' Calm down. Faaaaaaakke.
What time to Speidi go to bed? Why are they never on this show anymore! Boo!
Is Jasmine patting Calum's knob? Is that the sexual scenes we were promised? Jibbed!
Save Austin and Speidi! (And James C). I think Tracy will be saved anyway. I want Angie to go and take her kale, her gameplan and her son with her. BYE!

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Sands of (air)time

'Who do I start fights with?'
I heard Brandon Block has walked, ruining all my 'on the block' titles to come. Damn you! Still, ultimately no great loss. He wasn't even a let down, cos I didn't really know what to expect from him, but he gave absolutely nothing. Another one bites the dust. Hopefully we'll get a newbie now, maybe?
New task takes place in the land of nod! They have to wear PJs and carry a teddy.  Nicola and James J are in charge. No sleeping, no lying down, no yawning, no hot water or make up. It's a bit unfair to take away make up as it unfairly penalises women and not men. And don't give me that 'some men wear make up' bullshit. No men in there are this year. Oh hold on, maybe Jedward.
I can see up James C and Brandon Block's nighties, oo-er!
James Jordan admitting he's trying to wind up Austin. Dick. I HATE James Jordan. I can't believe people actually like him, he's revolting. Not one redeeming feature. At least Austin has a good side, even if he is hiding it well at the moment.
Angie has to ruin the fun of trampolining by bringing lymph nodes into it. Ha, Calum is telling her to STFU.
Jedward are looking a bit wee willy twinkie tonight.
What is Stacy going on about? Oh, she's calling Jasmine fake. Jasmine is fake. Fake as fuck. What set Stacy off, though? 'LOUDER!' Hold on, Stacy has mascara on. Maybe she slept in it?
Coleen: 'Why would you come in and sing your own song?' It's called promoting yourself, Coleen.
James has put Stacy and Austin on sand watch so they have to sit with each other. Austin: 'I haven't antagonised anyone.' Ha. Nicola: 'The task is just turning egg clocks.' Or egg timers, as we call them.
I do enjoy Stacy rubbing Austin up the wrong way, even though I can't stand her.
Jedward chatting with Speidi about James J and Austin: 'It's like the two biggest nobodies are the biggest attention seekers.' Meow! True, though. I guess it was inevitable Jedward and Spiedi teamed up. They are both in their own worlds and both inscrutable.
James Jordan and Nicola ordering a McDonalds. Spencer sniffing it. Weird.
Angie slagging off chicken nuggets as 'a bit of anus that gets stuck in your tooth.' But the advert says otherwise! Haha. Meal ruiner. Enjoyment destroyer! Jamie O Hara sniffing chicken nuggets. Nuggets are OK, but they're not that good. I'm not sure if that was good advertising for McDonalds or bad.
There's now a task where some people are blindfolded and the others have to be their eyes and ears. I can't really be bothered to explain it, ha.
Ray J doesn't even get a final DR session. Big Brother is really annoyed with him, aren't they? Lawsuit!
Jamie O Hara is bawling about missing his kids in the DR. Boo woo. How often does he even see them anyway? Sorry, that was a bit mean. But I'm leaving it in cos I dislike him.
Oh, Jamie can't talk to Calum about his feelings cos 'he's a lad.' Please. Grow up, you sexist prick. It's not the 1950s.
Jedward mocking the 'louder and louder' thing is funny.
Jasmine wants to send out a message that 'women can figure it out.' This is the fakest thing I've ever heard. Is Jasmine even on the block to be coming out with this bullshit?
Jedward's face at Jamie crying, haha. Yet when Nicola takes him outside, he's moaning about 'big characters'. So is he upset about kids or lack of airtime? Clue: It's the airtime.
Dear Lord, the James Jordan museum. That's terrifying. That's some dystopian shit. Angie: 'Look how skinny you were!' Hahaha. Fat shamer of the year. God, she's unstoppable.
I never did this poll! Ha, the audience said James C is a bigger dreamboat that James J.
Heidi and Spencer's joy at being named 'manipulative'! 
Jasmine is the least deserving 'all star.' And James J is the most deserving? Are the audience high? Who filled in this poll! Coleen is not two faced either. She's outwardly rude.
I saw this slumber party bit on the live feed. Stacy not picked for the party! Mean. And Angie as she doesn't like food or drink or enjoyment.
Angie sure knows how to make a situation worse. She's a bit of a cunt, really. It's not just the food and drink tyranny, it's just her personality is quite abrasive in general.
Angie vs Stacy is a dull argument. I hate the way people call Stacy 'girl' in an argument, Austin did it as well. I think you know what I'm saying.
Spencer's dancing face is the best. I feel like I've had a glipse of his orgasm face. I also like Austin's lapdancing. And tasks where they keep them up all night. Shame we never get to see any of it! Thanks, Big Brother! 

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: My sanity is being compromised

Edited out
Austin looks like he's on a mega airtime grab tonight! Bring it. It's not vote to evict so the more airtime he gets the better, even if he is being a brat.
It's the morning after the night before. I like Jamie saying 'I don't even remember getting home last night', that was actually funny for him. Oh so Nicola has a hall pass because her husband cheated?! That's good. Nice to have a get out of jail card in your back pocket. I hope her husband agrees. If not, oh well.
Angie to Calum: 'Take a night off drinking. Your liver can't work that hard.' Guarantee you he's drinking later. I give her a pass on that one as his dad was an alcoholic so I can see why she'd worry about it with her son.
Jasmine: 'Stacy is a hot mess. Her clothes are worn in.' That's mean. Jasmine is really catty. I don't see Stacy saying shit about her.
Spencer and James Jordan are plotting to wind up Austin. James Jordan would let someone punch him in the face in the house because they'll 'lose their money'. Form an orderly queue, housemates.
I like Big Brother giving Angie a task which is guaranteed to wind up the other housemates, detoxing them.
Spiedi do not look thrilled at the prospect of detoxing. I like Jedward's sunglasses indoors look.
Angie is picking all the fatties. James C looks pissed off. He doesn't want to 'share his body.' Coleen needs 'unclogging.' Sounds nasty. Why is Ray J hiding behind his hoodie and asleep all the time? Is he depressed? He's a useless housemate, that's for sure. She also chose Brandon and Calum, haha. Unlucky.
Ha, they're not allowed to smoke without approval from Angie or Big Brother. Angie should have put Austin on the detox. *lights fire*
Nicola is tired of people telling her to work out or what to eat. Nicola: 'I don't drink water, it's for washing.' You have a bottle of it in your hand?
Brandon: 'Kebabs my downfall.' Well, it beats cocaine, healthwise.
Ray J is eating too much toast and doesn't know 'how to cook lettuce.' He 'usually has a chef.'
Angie telling Ray J he's gained weight! She's going to give him an eating disorder.
OMG Angie is going to make them fast or eat leaves. This is horrendous.
Angie: 'This task won't cause animosity' as she calls everyone fat. I must admit, I would be like Coleen during this task.
Ray J meditating: 'Peace, happiness... smoking.' At least he's being forced to do something. Angie is really laying into Ray J! 'You're slime.. grow up and stop whining.' What a bitch!
Calum apologising to Ray J on his mum's behalf, haha. Now he's trying to tell her to settle down. Calum: 'Ray J mopes about anyway.' Ha. Why is he so mopey? (Answer revealed later!)
Calum is shitting himself that Angie is going to get nommed. Hold on, she's already nommed!
Austin has one eye on dip and one on dazzle... uh oh. If he was my boyfriend that would be the warning sign to bolt the door. Aggressive drunks are the worst.
Austin: 'Not to be a bitch but I don't like you' to Stacy out of nowhere. Austin is worried for Ray J's wife. As if. He's always fake concerned for other people's relationships, it's so transparent.
Oh God, now James Jordan is getting involved. Out of the frying pan into the fire.
Calum: 'Austin loves a row.' Aint that the truth.
James Jordan: 'You're a boring cunt throughout the day then you have a drink and become an even bigger cunt.' Weeeellll. What's your excuse, James?
I'm glad Stacy is sticking up for herself. Austin: 'You don't understand the game.' Nor do you, Austin, it's to be likeable and popular! Look at Jamie O Hara sat there saying fuck all and enjoying the show. Fencesitter!
Austin basically just admitted he nommed Stacy. Stacy: 'I laugh too loud and love too hard.' I relate to half of that.
Why is Big Brother giving them a game at 11.23pm when they're drunk?! And a shitstir task at that. Spencer, Jasmine and Coleen have been named most untrustworthy by the public.
Bianca didn't understand the 'edited out' tweet. She's a bit dim. Spencer's reading out loud skills are abominable. Can't Heidi do it for him? You could tell Spencer wasn't lying from his reading out!
Heidi not reacting to the 'batteries out of her back' comment. Oh no, she did. Spencer: 'She's solar powered.' Heidi actually took that well in the end, doing a robot voice.
Ha, they're making Jasmine read out the 'cuter than her' about Stacy thing. I recomended they did that!
I think Ray J is on the mute task that Austin had last year. Why does he look like he's got a balaclava on all the time! It's like he's trying to disappear into the wall.
Why is Spencer standing there with his eyes closed? Weird. Maybe his batteries have run out.
Coleen is crying cos the public said she was fake. They didn't, they said she was untrustworthy.
You think Jasmine would apologise to Stacy, if she wasn't such a cunt. 'I was joking!' Jasmine is not known for her hilarious jokes, let's be honest. More her bewitching vagina.
Stacy is right, Jasmine is mean. Oh, finally she said sorry from behind her toothbrush. Big of her.
Austin, it's not that hard to be apart from your boyfriend for six days. I've not seen another human for ten days, let alone anyone I love, or even like.
Austin is having an old skool DR breakdown. 'Fuckin' hell!' Why is he stripping off? I'm not complaining but...!
'This is a nasty evil place.' They need to send in that security guard who shit Bear up. I must admit, I would feel nervous living in that house with Austin. He's a powder keg. I can't be around aggressive drunks. It's not cool to make people feel on edge like that. Even my cat just turned round and faced the opposite way to the TV.
Austin is gonna sleep on it. What a performance! Honestly. Did they really give him more booze after that? Big Brother is being a bit irresponsible with the housemates' welfare this year.
The detox task is over already! That was quick. More booze all round! Twice as much for Austin (and Nicola!)
James Jordan: 'Can I open the door for you if you leave?' Haha. Austin: 'My sanity is being compromised.'
James J: 'There's always someone who talks about leaving but they never walk.' James is trying to push Austin over the edge. James: 'The door's just there.'
Austin: 'James you will get punched in the mouth.' James: 'Make sure it's a good one.' Threats of violence! James is a wind up merchant and Austin is an easy target. I hate James! Ugh.
Nicola and Austin are being pricks in bed, giggling and messing about. Did Austin just pinch James's arse?
God, they're in bed and arguing. Could you imagine how annoyed you'd be in that house if people were arguing in bed?
Austin: 'My mum told me that Billy Elliot was a bad ass.' Ha. James: 'You'll walk within two days.' Ooh, way to make Austin stay.
James: 'You'll probably have another boyfriend next year.'
Austin: 'No one asked you Coleen, go to sleep in your single bed.' James: 'Your boyfriend won't be waiting for you.' That's a low blow.
The glee on Spencer's face when they were arguing. Sweet dreams!
So why has Ray J left the Big Brother house? Oh apparently because of dental pain. That would explain his top being zipped up over his mouth the whole time. I'm surprised anyone noticed. Poor sod didn't even get to sleep in a bed the whole time he was there. You think someone might have swapped with him for the night?!
I'm sure Big Brother is pleased he's going. They got the Kim Kardashian scoop and the Whitney scoop; he had nothing else to offer. Hopefully Big Brother will spend some of his fee on some decent tasks, or a decent new housemate who is awake some of the time.
Oh, yeah I did my podcast today! Enjoy. Also, my cat has turned back round to face the TV now it's over! Enough said.

Monday, 9 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Footballers' wives

Her hair still looks good at least
Hi! I made some podcast notes today. Just a few. It's a start.
Ooh, nominations! And I don't know who's up! I know Jedward are immune though. Happy days!
Bianca's eyelashes are more 'evening out' than 'breakfast time'. I hope they have enough hairspray in that house to keep Jedward's quiffs afloat.
Oh God, not this one night stand bullshit with Calum again. Calum works his arse off to not be the person he actually is, despite calling himself a 'red blooded male' in his VT. What does 'red blooded male' mean? All humans (even us delicate ladies!) have red blood. I assumed it to mean 'fanny rat' and still do unless I hear otherwise.
Bit crap that half the people can't nominate this week. I like seeing the nominations! We're the ones getting jibbed by the dumb edited out task.
Calum nominated Stacy for being loud (ie. black). And Speidi for being entertaining (I mean, pushing buttons.)
Jasmine nommed Stacy as well for asking 'personal questions'. Jasmine wouldn't have got on well with Perez then. Jasmine also nominated Brandon for 'not being fun' and if she was alone with him she'd have to stick her thumb up her arse. Whatever floats your boat.
Jamie nommed James J for saying he has no balls, even though he doesn't, and Stacy for being loud (ie. black).
James Jordan nominated Stacy for being 'fiery' and Austin (boo!) I'm surprised Austin didn't cop more votes so far, tbh. James J: 'I don't want to hurt his feelings at the moment.' At the moment!
Jedward on the pile of cushions is fun. Sorting out their packages too, oo-er.
Brandon is brushing his teeth. That's gonna take a while.
Jasmine not allowed to put her hand on people's legs now? WTF is this! You should know better, Austin. Look at the way you were with James Hill! (Which was amazing)
Apparently Jedward are throwing orange peel on the floor. Calum: 'They live in a bubble.' Nicola is about to shred it.
I love the way Jedward diffused the situation with a Jed-hug, lol. They never cared.
Haha, now Edward is annoying Angie's meditation session. She looks like she's gonna kill him!
Even if Jedward have been told to act up by the producers, I don't care! It's entertaining.
Jamie is doing some 'locker room talk'. What a dick this guy is. That's the sort of story you don't admit on TV.
Ooh, nominations are still going on. Coleen nominated Ray J. Curveball. And Angie! Not really surprised. Why would you feel guilty about eating in front of Angie? Fuck her! It's up to you what you eat.
Nicola nominated Ray J for sleeping too much (cop out) and Angie for going on about food nutrition (good). I'm glad Angie's copping some.
Jedward nommed Austin for 'going from a pancake to a gargoyle.' And Jasmine also for being all over the place. 'One second she's happy, the next second she's asleep'. Just like everyone on earth.
There's been quite a spread of noms. I like James Jordan being mummified. I want coloured loo roll, and cool colours, not just pastels. Where can I get them?
Austin nominated Stacy and Speidi. I love the way Austin says 'dickheads.'
Angie nommed Speidi because Spencer said he was going to win it (ha) and for antagonising. True. And Austin! Boo. She's nomming all the entertainment. 'Austin is on the emotional edge.' True. He does turn. I hate an angry drunk.
Speidi nommed Austin for yelling at Heidi and making her feel scared (bitch, please) and Biana for taking water off them and for giving Heidi dirty looks, haha. I wish this were true but I suspect it's just a figment of their fevered imagination (yes, they share one between them).
Stacy bragging about fucking Wesley Snipes, haha. 'He has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life.' Thanks for that.
James C is shocked with the self obsession about looks and appearance. He's concerned about his career. Why has he done it then! 'I'm nearly 70, should I be caring.' Coleen: 'I don't think this takes away from you being a fantastic actor.' True. I'm glad he's enjoying it. I wonder how much he got paid?
So up for eviction are Stacy, Austin, Speidi, Ray J, Angie and of course, James C. I wouldn't be surprised if Ray J goes, he's so dull. I hope Angie goes.
Big Brother is telling them how many noms each person got. Austin is fuming cos he got four and Speidi got 3.
Calum: 'I can't believe you only got three.' to Speidi. Hilarious.
Calum explaining the rules to his ma. I bet he's secretly hoping she goes too, bhahaha.
How are James Jordan and Coleen not up? They're so annoying!
Spencer on Austin: 'As long as he keeps drinking he's one step away from snapping.' So insightful and so accurate.
Austin is mad cos he's the 'third most disliked in the house.' No medals for that.
Bianca is annoyed about being called 'Bionka.' I think I'd like it if an American mispronounced my name. Austin is more American than ever. Is he not living in Yorkshire anymore? Austin is drunk and disorderly. Is he one sip away though? Bianca must be running out of patience with him. I am, and I like him! I think Austin could have a 'Nadia on BB All stars' type eviction coming up, and that will crush him.
Austin is in his undies now he's on the block. Austin: 'I feel like you're up Ray's arse' to Stacy. Ha, Austin calling someone else loud. Pot, kettle, black.
Austin's body is still hot! They just need to do that task where they make him mute again. I can see the head of his penis in those pants.
Nicola seems a bit sweet on Jamie. I think she's drunk. She's putting hands on legs! SLUT etc. Sigh.
What can't chubby, old James Jordan deal with, Austin's ding dong? Jealous!
Nicola is SHIT FACED. OMG. Jamie said 'I've got your back, I love you.' But he has 'too much respect for his bruv' to kiss her. Sexist terminology (ie. she's owned by another man otherwise he would) and I give it two days before he cracks.
Nicola is gurning! What are they drinking in there, crystal meth? Now she's trying to snog Calum. Fucking hell, this is awkward. Someone put her to bed. Don't let her sit there doing that while everyone looks. It's entertaining, but it shouldn't be entertainment.
'I know her husband' isn't much defence in this or any situation.
James Jordan is the only one who tried to put her to bed. I actually respect him for that.
Nicola reminds me of me when I was at my friend Dawns and ended up with one contact lens just stick to the outside of the case.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel sorry for Nicola (and her hangover). Imagine watching that back. She won't even remember it! The trolls are already rubbing their hands in glee, gloating about divorce. Well her husband already cheated, so lets not get it twisted.
Vote to save! Woo. I'm gonna VTS Austin cos I still love him and I would hate to see him go first.
Hopefully pod tomorrow if I'm up to it? Night!