Monday, 26 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: BBUK - The apology tours

I don't think it's really fair to put all the housemates up for eviction. They never use evictions as a punishment when it's just one or two acting up! Unfair to people who did nothing, ie. Raph, Charlotte (so what's new?) and (weirdly) Joe.
It's the morning after the night before. It's funny how different people see things, isn't it? Both in the house and on Twitter. People HATE Chanelle on Twitter. I don't know why, I think she's got a good heart under all the crap.
Chanelle: 'People do need to be told off, last night scared me. I've not come here for that.'
Deborah casually going 'morning' to the room of dickheads. Savannah saying the dickheads need to travel 'as a pack.'
Charlotte went: 'How is Deborah still here?' Keiran: 'The rules in this place are corrupt. It's like politics.' No, aggressive men get thrown out (Lotan), as do aggressive women (Kayleigh).
Ellie, Tom and Kieran slagging off Isabelle and comparing her to a three year old. Yawn.
The house has been transformed into a hippy commune. I like the tie dye table cloths. I thought it was a punishment at first because they'd removed the sofa.
Ellie needs to go next. I can't stand her. Her or Tom. I'm a bit worried about everyone being up! Imagine if one of the sisters went because it's a split vote?
Chanelle is waiting for an apology from Ellie. Good luck. Chanelle: 'The house needs witchcraft.' I'm not sure about that.
Raph and Deborah are at the tree of love singing about 'love, peace and harmony'. Savannah's stage outfit is 'kind of risky.' She is 'kind of an idiot.'
Hannah is called to the diary room and Kieran calls her a lemon. Hannah has a bruise on her face from when Ellie punched her. Did Ellie punch her? I didn't see that. Big Brother has reviewed the tape and said Ellie didn't punch her. Damn.
Savannah calling Hannah and Deborah 'sly fucks.' This dumb cow has been outside and is choosing the evil path. Thick or what?
Hannah wants to 'be a conductor of 'love peace and harmony.'
I enjoy the split house, as long as the numbers are quite even and the idiots get themselves thrown out once or twice a week.
I saw a lot of people on Twitter saying Joe could have diffused the situation last night. But Joe's not a diffuser, he's an instigator.
Tom thinks Lotan's been kicked out, because he SAW the way Lotan was in the DR. I'm glad they're letting them stew on it. Isabelle thinks there's no tension or negative vibes in the house anymore. Not sure about that.
I like the marquees and all the quilts and stuff. Looks like my house. More so than normal.
Chanelle keeps the mood up in the house, getting them to give each other compliments. It's sweet.
Isabelle calling the other side 'miserable cunts.' Ha. Not sure about Chanelle's leather baseball cap. Might put that on the eek list.
Savannah: 'The only power we have is sticking together as a group.' Can Chanelle hear that? I love her falling on the floor and complaining about the negativity.
Savannah: 'He was wrong to swizzle the drink.' He didn't swizzle it, whatever the fuck that means. He threw it in two women's faces, dumbo. God, she's annoying.
Housemates are getting a tell off for not listening to Big Brother 'during heated conversations.' Tannoy tell off! 'Big Brother must be able to seperate housemates over the tannoy.' But you're not able to do that, Big Brother.
I'm glad they said about Lotan's behaviour 'in the house, in the diary room and over the past few days.' Big Brother encourages the housemates to 'show tolerance.'
Was good to see Hannah and Tom making up even though he's a cretin. Ellie and Deborah also making up. Ellie is so thick. She doesn't understand basic English.
I love Deborah saying 'I panicked and wanted to go home' about her bolting up the stairs. Revisionist history! Lol. Good excuse, though.
Ellie you went 'come on, hit me!' Let's not any of us pretend we didn't know what was happening.
Even Tom and Chanelle are making up. Have they all been forced to make up? This feels fishy as fuck.
Hannah is saying Charlotte picked a side. Yeah, we noticed it, too. Charlotte hidden up the corner like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen counter. She's about as entertaining as him, too.
Hannah and Isabelle are a weird friendship. Isabelle does look like a clown and she's a weird person. But she's interesting. I wonder if the tide will turn with her now Lotan's gone.
Ellie and Tom seem to be over Lotan already, which is odd. Ellie making up with Raph and saying they're going to become better friends. We'll see. This all feels fake as fuck. Are they reading these apologies off cue cards?
They're now chanting 'I'm at one with the Big Brother house' whenever a noise goes off.
Not buying Ellie's cheeky chappie persona now Lotan's gone. Hannah's singing is fucking awful. That would drive me mad, to be honest.
I love the fact on BBUK they DO just give them more drink. On BBUS, they get no drink because, well, death threats.
Chanelle has been called to the DR for another tell off. But she's on a final warning. Oh, now they're saying because she didn't start the row, it doesn't count that she threw her drink. Nice. I like the fact they're just making it up as they go along. What will the excuse be next time!
Deborah is now getting told off for going up the stairs after Ellie. Big Brother says 'in the moment it seemed...' Ha! It was. She was 'just annoyed Lotan was back in the house and felt scared'. Don't blame her. She was just trying to get to the exit, honest, guv. I love it. Good one! Viewers may have found it offensive! I found it hilarious.
Save us from Ellie's 'jokes' please.
I agree what Isabelle said about Lotan's son wasn't bad. She's 100% correct. It wasn't about Lotan's son. It was about Lotan and it touched a nerve. 'With the others, I feel like they're just being nice cos they've got to be. It's either be nice or look like an absolute twat.'
Raph is talking to Kieran. It's weird seeing people who never talk being made to talk, like a storyline that's been forced upon them or a bad soap opera.
Raph is sticking up for Deborah running up the stairs. Kieran: 'You'd be scared if you were at the top of the stairs and I took my jacket off and ran at you.' Raph: 'I don't know.' I love his loyalty to Deborah because Kieran is actually right for the first time ever.
I hate the fact they're trying to give Ellie a 'fun edit' now Lotan's gone. Gross. We can remember a day ago, Big Brother! Don't fuck about.
Joe in the pink feathers, ha. Deborah is painting Kieran's nails. Joe is trying to get off with Deborah, asking which of the guys she fancies, lol. She put him down! Joe: 'Fuck peace, love and harmony.' It's nice to see them smiling for once!
Ooh, it's vote to evict! Bye, Tom! Next month's phone bill just went up, up, up.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: What are you here for?

Lotan got ejected, Lotan got ejected! Woo! At least something fun happened this week.
Quite funny really seeing Lotan and Tom's last wake up time together. Aw. Talk about bum chums, and I use that in the most sex positive way. Tom saying Lotan's hard on was sticking in his back all night. I'm sure.
Raph and Deborah moaning about the clique. The idiot boys said they were going to 'Casper' Isabelle. Isabelle can't Casper them back, but she can satsuma them. Sorry, I want to avoid Isabelle tan jokes from now on, but that was a last one for luck.
It's weird seeing night time japes on Big Brother, as you don't normally see them. Big Brother has called Savannah in to check if she was OK with the guys roughhousing on top of her. She says, 'boys will be boys.' Big Brother is just one long tell off now. 'Tom, you forced someone's genitals into close proximity with another human.' Tom thinks it was funny. I can't really tell what happened myself. But I remember Aaron Frew being chucked out for less and he was a decent bloke, unlike these absolute mugs.
Savannah is boasting about her LA life. Seeing Justin Bieber in a cafe. Oh, she's alluding to how she fucked him. Grim.
I never even knew Lotan had a son until tonight. This feels like a normal conversation in the Big Brother house. Weird. They are only showing it to build up to later, I guess.
What is Joe even saying to Raph? No one knows.
I like Isabelle joking that she's made the house miserable and she doesn't want to say sorry. Her eyebrows! I mean, the tan is one thing. But the eyebrows.
Ooh, nomination time. Looks like EVERYONE nominated Isabelle. Even the other newbie! Ellie 'doesn't know what her journey is.' Ellie, your journey is up Lotan's arsehole.
Ooh, Charlotte nominated Hannah! Eek.
All the people I like nommed Lotan. I like the way they've cut the noms in a way. I do like to hear all the noms, but I think it's quite entertaining seeing all the reasons for one person at the same time.
Tom is getting a few as well. I want Savannah to go as well, I can't stand her. At least Raph isn't up. Up is Tom, Hannah, Isabelle and Lotan. I like it when four are up, it feels tight. Will be three soon. Not Joe though! Bugging.
Hannah: 'If there's a point they want to prove, let it be proven.'
Lotan knew who was going up. Did he know he was going to throw his toys out of the pram and go too?
Chanelle thinks 'some of his own' have voted for Tom.
I love Isabelle nodding off while Ellie is talking. Hilarity. Chanelle doesn't like Isabelle being victimised. Yay, I like it when Chanelle stands up for her friends.
Lotan sneezing and going 'I'm allergic to bullshit.' Chanelle: 'You shouldn't be alive, you should be dead with all the bullshit you say.' Haaaaaa. Lotan: 'You just wished me dead.' No, she didn't. But I will, later in this blog.
I guess Big Brother got what they wanted with the shitstir task. Did we even get to hear the rules at all? They just have labels with slurs all over them, ha.
Her name is ISABELLE not Isabella. Lotan is so NASTY calling Isabelle 'princess'. He's so patronising. Big Brother throws a match into a firework factory and laughs. I think they'd probably had enough of Lotan, too.
Woah, the atmosphere in that house is terrible. Lotan is drunk and belligerent calling Chanelle a 'camera hungry bitch.' Raph looks like he wants to disappear into the couch.
Isabelle: 'You're being cocky cos you've had a drink' to Lotan.
Raph and Chanelle's 'bed buddies' scene about how much they loved each other in the middle of that was like calm in the eye of a storm.
Charlotte thinks Hannah's 'petty'. I think Charlotte's a turncoat. Bring back her mum.
Lotan picking on Isabelle for looking in the mirror. The house literally can't sit round a couch together without someone getting kicked out. Hannah: 'It doesn't look good' to Lotan. You aint seen nothing yet.
There is something weird about Isabelle. She seems almost like... drugged up.
Isabelle said to Lotan: 'You're meant to be a role model to your son' after Lotan said he wasn't taking anything anyone said seriously. She actually said it twice because she slurred it the first time (meds).
Lotan then threw a drink on the girls. I love Hannah's rage! Rightly so. It went RIGHT in her face, so he's not a good shot as he was aiming for Isabelle.
Chanelle: 'Are you fucking serious!' She threw her drink again. It's lucky the glasses are plastic. Lets face it, if they kicked everyone out who was on a final warning tonight, there'd be three people left. 
I also love Raph grabbing Chanelle's leg. I love Deborah calming Hannah down.
Isabelle smiled! She smiled. Hahaha. Ooh, she's cold. I love it.
Ellie is so gross sticking up for Lotan: 'What are you here for?' to Isabelle. To take out the trash. 'Why are you here, you're pissing me off.' That's why she's there. Why didn't they pick Sam? I'm glad they didn't now.
I love watching the faces of the people who don't get involved too.
Who cares if someone mentions someone's son or daughter. Who GIVES A FUCK.
Chanelle in the garden: 'He's fucking vile.' She's not wrong. He was picking on Isabelle and she bit back and he couldn't take it.
Chanelle didn't realise what Isabelle said about Lotan's son. Isabelle *impassive* 'Yeah, but I did.'
Lotan in the diary room digging his grave. 'First thing in the morning I'm going to pack up my stuff... I swirled my drink around the group... because of the ugly one with the orange face, this disgrace of a human being.' Tom giggling by his side like a little lapdog. How will be cope without someone suck off at night?
Then smashing up the DR. Kayleigh flashbacks. Lotan even turned on his little bitch Tom then! 'Get the fuck away from me.' Haaaaaaa. Brilliant.
Ellie defending Lotan chucking a drink at Hannah. Grim. Deborah is acting like it happened to her, not Lotan.
Charlotte piping up: 'You can't bring family members into it.' You bought your mum in and no one complained. In fact, I'd swap you for her.
Ellie going to Isabelle: 'Go mention Deborah's kid.' No, because Deborah hasn't been digging Isabelle out since the MOMENT she walked through the door, you thick bitch.
Lotan coming out of the diary room and fronting up to the girls cos he had to have the last word.
'Do you think they're going to drag me out?' Hope so.
Ellie talking to Lotan like she's his mum. Everyone telling Lotan to go to the DR. I wish security had dragged him out.
Gross. 'Yuck' indeed. I love Kieran's hands up when security came in like he's been stopped by the police before.
Deborah getting in Lotan's face was great. Standing up for her sister by pushing her sister out of the way to have it out with hm . Amazing. This bit on the stairs is amazing. Magic!
I LOVE the sisters giving it back to Lotan. Bald security guard for the win! 'Pussyhole!'
Keiran with his hands up like the police have just stopped him, I'm dying.
Ellie swung at Deborah's face? I never saw it and I rewound, believe me. Deborah said to Hannah: 'stop it, we have work.' What does that mean! Like, they have jobs outside, not like these reality TV jokers, I think. OMG I love Deborah racing up the stairs to clock Ellie. Raph ran even faster that here. I wish she'd got there. I despise Ellie. That was legendary.
Ellie on the floor. Chanelle yelling from outside. So much to watch! What a mess.
Savannah with her hands over her ears on the couch is basically me as a little kid. Then she goes 'I have to leave cos I am claustrophobic.'
Deborah to the security guards, almost embarrassed: 'If I'd known it was going to be like this, I'd have never of signed up for it.' Me either. But isn't that how most things in life start!?
I love Chanelle and Hannah saying they were gonna go home because of this crap. I don't blame them. If you feel in an unsafe environment, that's not cool. The Big Brother house should be a safe space.
Lotan: 'It's either I stay or she does.' Her? Thinking Isabelle is going to get removed for what she said! You threw a drink at girls, then came back in for round two. Gross.
Tom calling Isabelle an embarrassment. He would know.
I love Raph trying to calm Deborah then crying. She's rightly appalled at someone throwing a drink at her. It is disgusting. Deborah: 'I've never had a man throw a drink in my face. I'm a mum.' I've thrown a drink in a man's face. It was fun.
Now the sisters are fighting with each other. I love it! The sisters must be on a warning by now.
Chanelle about Lotan: 'Why the fuck is he still here when he keeps doing this to women?' Good question.
I love the security guard monitoring the sister's coversation. How have they managed for the past three decades? I understand why Deborah is disappointed in herself, but her barrelling up the stairs is very GIFworthy and she was driven to it. She's worried how the public will percieve it. I think they'll love it! Twitter looks HOT right now. My tweets are going through the roof. I love seeing sisters stick up for each other.
Why is Lotan back in the house, drunk and threatening girls!? That is the biggest question of the whole night. He should NEVER have been allowed back in.
Lotan: 'If she was where I'm from and not uptown London...' What does that mean exactly? 'She did well to get a couple of spits on here.' Oh what do you prefer, an acid attack, Lotan?
Lotan: 'I walked away because I wanted to destroy her physically and mentally. She's a psychopath.'
Chanelle is right that Isabelle highlighted something that was already there. 'I feel really guilty' she says, with all the passion of a dead fish. Chanelle keeps saying she feels bad, but I don't think she does, and I kind of like it, haha.
Charlotte: 'We're a bigger group' with Tom and Lotan. Number talk! Eww. You backed the wrong horse, Charlotte. What would your mum say about you hanging out with Tom! Tom: 'Family.' Yeah, you evicted hers.
Lotan thinks the amount of liquid in his glass makes a difference when you throw a drink on someone. There was plenty in there. Lotan: 'Any man would have reacted the same way and I own it. If people are intimidated by me, it's their problem and not mine. I'm being persecuted for being a male. Fuck the TV show. Fuck the situation and fuck the girls that went off. Right or wrong, it could have been a hell of a lot worse.' How?! Fuck you. 'This is who I am, take me or leave me.' I'll leave it, thanks.
Next day: Lotan: 'Oy oy, do you like my slippers?' to Big Brother. I think it's a no. I knew he'd say it was cool when he got told to leave. He'll pretend it was his idea now. Not sure why he had his finger in his ear as he left, probably trying to keep his one braincell from falling out of his dumb head.
Say what you want about this series, but Lotan's downfall was beautiful. Throughly enjoyed it. Can't wait to see Ellie and Tom pissing and moaning about it now. Hopefully they'll follow him out.
We podded last night by the way. Consider it a parting gift for Lotan.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up'

Ooh it's a secret eviction. I like seeing the housemates all asleep. Old skool!
Emma making jokes about us hating the new housemates. Hmm.
These housemates are so orange-ist. Poor Morph feels boring already. Ha, Morph and Rebecca are forming a support group of Kieran's cast offs.
Rebecca immediately reporting back to Kieran. What a snitch. Kieran acting like he has some secret with Morph. 'She's my mate's ex girlfriend.' So what. Why did you sleep with her then!
Woah, look how much make up Morph is putting on! It's concealer, not Ronseal.
Why is Rebecca's arm in a sling? Probably from all that stirring.
The soundproofing must be good in the house. Emma's shrill as ever outside and still they don't wake up.
Kieran has been summoned to the 'den of dilemma.' Big Brother is putting him on a date with Savannah and making Isabelle (Morph) wait on them. No shit. He's trying to frame it as being respectful. Wrong answer. Lol at Chanelle: 'They said you're a waiter, doesn't mean you're a good one.' Ha.
Kieran likes a girl who gets dirty. Or pisses on him. I like the fact Isabelle is openly sulking. Quite funny.
I loved Isabelle drenching him in suncream. 'I'm not gonna bite.' He looked SO ANGRY. He's acting so affronted she's there. It's not your house, Kieran. You're not paying rent.
Ha, them asking Kieran what noises Rebecca makes in bed. Bet Chanelle goes WAAAAA.
Tom about Raph: 'He does my head in... boring twat.' The people's housemate, everyone. Raph is upset they're always talking about sex. 'It's not that interesting.' That depends who you're doing it with.
Kieran has made Morph cry. He's ruining her experience by alienating her. Poor thing. She thought 'it would be funny' being with Kieran in the house. I don't know why.
Raph, Deborah and Chanelle playing word association. Lotan: attention seeking. Joe: mean. Isabelle: misunderstood. This is a fun game for all the family.
Lotan thinks Hannah's leaving. Tom on Joe: 'Everyone loves a geezer.' Only if it's Danny Dyer. Otherwise, fack off, you muggy cunt.
Ha, both the new girls are finding it awkward. I actually don't mind either of the new girls. 'Don't mind' is faint praise, though.
Lotan has been called to the den of dilemma. He can hear mean tweets about Ellie or about himself. Please let it be one of mine.
Lotan chose his own. Ellie is crying as if he's a saint. He's just vain and wants to hear his own name. Ha, Ellie has to read them aloud to him.
Lotan 'no one comments if a dog barks at the moon, but if the dog barks back, it'll make the moon faint.' That's Gaz's tattoo of the week sorted. Lotan makes David Brent look profound. Even Ryan Ruckledge is dissing Lotan. Zing.
I can't be bothered to write down the rest of this crap. They are banishing themselves from the party. Oh well.
Lotan: 'I don't speak for everyone.' Makes a change. The other housemates are being martyrs and not having the party.
Rebecca and Lotan are slagging off Deborah for putting mushrooms in the food? And they were slagging off the sisters to the newbies as soon as they came in.
The other housemates enjoying secretly watching Rebecca and the sisters arguing, ha.
Lotan: 'How can that bitch - and I use that word openly...' about Hannah. This guy is a pure cunt. What did she even do? Exist?
Oh the housemates have realised it's an eviction. Boring. I wanna see them tipped out in their dressing gowns.
The sisters calling Lotan 'an ignorant bastard', ha. Ooh, the sisters are slagging off Ellie for leaving her knickers around and Raph laughed.
It's not two faced to talk about someone behind their back in the Big Brother house. I'm sure you've done it, Ellie.
Ooh, the sisters are taking some names! Bring it! Ellie saying 'true colours are showing.' No comment. STFU Ellie, you're irrelevant. 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up.' Really? Tell that to Stephanie Davies.
I love Deborah not apologising to Ellie. Deborah to Ellie: 'You don't have to say everything you think.' Ha.
That chocolate fountain is going to waste. Oh my God, Lotan and Tom are sticking their faces in it.
The sisters are giving Isabelle a pep talk. Good! Get her on side.
Whenever one side is having fun, the other side bitches. Mind you, this is boring. Has Charlotte defected from the exiles? Would anyone notice?
Crowd are chanting 'Get Joe out!' Whoop. Some people are shouting 'get Rebecca out' and Lotan said 'shut up.' Ha. I wouldn't mind Rebecca or Joe going, but ideally Joe.
Ooh, I just noticed Emma actually looks nice. I prefer the slick down hair to the bouffant. Her red pantsuit is nice, too.
Eviction time! 'Get Joe out!' Woo. Omg it's Rebecca. I hate Rebecca, but how does Rebecca go over Joe? Really. Pure sexism. Sigh. Mind you, at least we can wave goodbye to her built in storyline. She looks like she's wearing a bit of old wallpaper.
Rebecca: 'I was a little bit ready to leave.' Well, your roots need doing already. Annoying that Joe outlasted her.
Oh I forgot to blog that whole interview because I couldn't care less. What's next to look forward to on Big Brother? Oh I know, BB19.
Pod on Saturday! If Big Brother is gonna fuck with the days, so can we. Retaliation!

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Fuck 'em all

Ooh, interesting! Raph is taking the rap for pranks that him AND Chanelle did. Joe: 'I keep telling you about this guy.' About Raph. You can keep telling us all the way out the door, you grumpy sod.
Rebecca complaining in the DR about Joe hating on Raph. At least she likes Raph (or hates Joe more).
Joe telling Raph he's 'slippery'. It was a prank! Get over yourself. Joe seems either VERY depressed or angry in there. 
Lotan is boiling every egg in the house in revenge. Charlotte is taking six eggs for herself. What is she, the Easter bunny?
Chanelle: 'People don't take the time to get to know you, Raph.' Chanelle is still carrying on with the egg smashing. I love her, now. I love her and Raph, that's it.
Chanelle: 'Tom and Lotan take everything so serious.' Aint that the truth. Chanelle is doing some good acting about the eggs. 'I wanted an omlette.' I think she could be the new Karen from BBCAN.
Lotan calling Chanelle 'sweetheart.' He's such a patronising TWAT. My mild dislike of him has rocketed into unbridled hatred.
Blind Date task. Yet another show dating Big Brother is ripping off (yes, I know it's on the same channel). The new housemates are Savannah, Sam and... I've forgotten the other one. Isabelle.
Lotan: 'The first thing people notice about me is my curly hair.' No, it's that you're a knob.
The first thing people notice about contestant number one is that she looks like Morph. Second one is Jay McCray. The Irish one looks the best bet and is the most 'diverse' (lol).
Rebecca is stressed that one of them knows Kieran. Is it Morph?
Ellie is jealous of the Irish girl. Ellie is jealous of... (insert name here - hey Demetres) is getting old.
All the new housemates think they'll clash with Hannah and Deborah. Great, more people who hate the sisters. Just what we need.
Morph isn't going to get into the house saying she fancies Kieran. Savannah fancies Lotan or Kieran. Grim.
Ellie can't believe that Sam fancies her. I can't either, tbh.
This dancing behind a screen thing is probably the most tragic thing I've ever seen on Big Brother, and that's saying something.
Joe is grumping that the outside people have 'info' on them. What's he worried about coming out?! It's not like they're sending in Louis Theroux, it's just a couple of blondes and a meat shield.
Rebecca is worried her storyline is going to go off. It's like when they replace a character on a soap with a new, more attractive actor.
It's bad enough looking like Morph, but the eyebrows aren't helping. The guy actually seems OK. He seems harmless so far.
The old housemates are so bitter. Lotan thinks the lad 'is full of shit.' Um. Chanelle doesn't want someone to come in and 'be a gobby little fuck.' That's her job.
Lotan is right that Morph will wind people (ie. Rebecca) up. Tom and Lotan do 'anything each other says.' Get a room.
Lotan intimidated by Sam's height. I love it. I hope he goes in. What the fuck, they chose the two girls? What a fix letting Lotan and Keiran and Chanelle choose, of course they're going to choose the two girls. Every single decision is a bad one. All we're going to get now is the guys peacocking round the new girls and Ellie and Rebecca being jealous.
I feel like Hitler is producing BB this year, and the BB eugenics task is nearly complete.
Look at Tom acting like the big man with the two new women. Gross! God, please don't let them join the 'clique'.
Ellie likes to be 'the girl with the good personality.' Will you tell her, or shall I?
Savannah just slipped on an egg. Trip hazard! I thought she was Rebecca from behind. Interchangable blondes for the win! Diversity!
Rebecca has come to the diary room and said 'I don't want to be a bitch.' Cut to her being a bitch. Rebecca going 'I don't know what Kieran was thinking' about Morph. Fuck off. Kieran slept with Morph in Ibiza last year. He 'hates tans.' Why fuck Morph then?
Joe is worried about the tan from Morph going in the hot tub. Joe isn't exactly pale and interesting himself.
Joe saying to her: 'Isn't there different shades?' Mind your own business! Don't tell people what colour they can be.
OMG at Chanelle quizzing Isabelle (Morph) about Kieran. 'Did you suck him?' Morph: 'Probably.' Chanelle: 'Did he suck you?' No. Suck what?! Of course he didn't. Men are such selfish twats in bed sometimes.
Lotan trying to chat up Savannah... desperate.
Isabelle is annoyed Kieran said what happened between them. Er... she just told everyone you sucked him off.
Lotan, Kieran and Tom are having a group shower. Lock the cubicle and keep the water running.
Isabelle is sitting with Chanelle and the sisters. That's a good sign.
Lotan at the girl's singing: 'Shut the fuck up, you boring bitches.' Speak for yourself.
Raph is explaining what's going down in the DR and he's happy with the new blood.
Raph going to Rebecca: 'I know who I want to go and it's not you, Hannah or Chanelle.' Lol.
Even the sight of Lotan now sickens me. I HATE HIM. He's my worst one by a mile.
Ellie: 'Fuck 'em all, cunts.' Aw, sad she didn't get the guy who fancies her in there.
Lotan going on about Savannah's size, shut up. I'm sure she's aware she's small.
Savannah seems like she has a brain in her head at least. Oh the lads: 'They're not boyfriend material, but they're comic relief.'
Isabelle thinks Lotan's got a 'good body but an absolute dickhead who makes her cringe inside.' I don't even think he has a good body.
OK, maybe these new girls have got something more to them that first appearances suggest. If they hate Lotan, they can stay. If Raph can rally them up, they've got the numbers to take out the clique and I'll be here for it.
Don't forget it's the eviction tomorrow, not Friday. Save Hannah and Chanelle, please? If Hannah goes over Joe, it would be too depressing. Let's not evict any more minorities, please. The producers are already trying to ethnically cleanse the house, we don't have to help them along.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I've got better things to do than discuss fucking eggs

Saw the new housemates on Twitter today. More thick white people! It's like Big Brother is trying to annoy their minority viewers. Give us some people with brains, please. Or at least personalities. One is Kieran's ex! What next, Kieran's mum? Oh, she's already in there.
Chanelle telling Kieran he's sexy when he's angry. Rebecca's gonna come for your edges, whatever the fuck that means.
Joe is a bit intimidating, I think. As are his family members trolling me on my blog - sigh.
Ooh, noms already. Raph nommed Tom for 'caring about airtime' and Joe for his crap 'Bobbys' tattoo. No, for not liking him and for being disrespectful. Raph: 'Girl power.' Lol.
Joe nommed Rebecca and Charlotte: 'I don't even notice she's in the house.' Fair point, nor do I.
Ellie nommed Joe for being negative. Joe does seem miserable as sin in there. Probably worried about his GF on the outside. Ellie also nominated Rebecca, so at least she tooks shots at both sides.
Charlotte nominated Joe for being miserable and Chanelle! Nooooo. Boo. For knocking a drink towards Kayleigh. Who cares!
Chanelle couldn't get through passport control in Turkey because she'd had plastic surgery. Dear oh dear.
Tom: 'Have you ever bent over the mirror and farted?' Entertainment is obviously lacking in Wales.
Rebecca has pissed on someone ie. Keiran. I saw this whole bit on BBBOTS, so what's the point?
Kieran realising what they're talking about takes him a minute. So Kieran is a little bitch in bed. Figures.
Oh, more noms. Deborah nommed Joe and Tom for being 'far up Lotan', ha.
Ooh, Kieran nominated Joe! I'm surprised. And also Chanelle for not washing up. Cop out.
Rebecca nominated Joe for hating women. I think that's probably quite true. She also nominated Hannah for being moody and for singing. Please stop singing.
Hannah nominated Joe for having a go at Rebecca, bit ironic as Rebecca just nommed her. Oh, her second nomination was Rebecca. We're never gonna get rid of Lotan and Kieran.
Tom and Lotan colluding on noms... again.
Deborah has had her cleavage and fanny pierced apparently. Who knew?!
Lotan nominated Hannah and Chanelle. Tom nominated Hannah and Rebecca (I think, I was resetting my phone and I'm not rewinding him).
Chanelle nominated Joe and Rebecca. That argument came back to haunt both of them, didn't it?
Chanelle: 'All Rebecca's bringing is having breakdowns every day.'
The housemates up are Joe, Hannah, Rebecca and Chanelle. Joe doesn't give a fuck. Raph happy he's not 'on the block.'
Deborah: 'It's so predictive.'
What's going on with Raph's orange hair? It's a crappy dye job. Chanelle: 'People don't say it to my face, they lick my arse, but carry on, cos it tastes good, honey.'
Chanelle is doing an inspiring speech. Quite heartwarming really, if a bit sarcastic, haha. Chanelle is pure actressing but at least she's doing something, which is more than 80% of people in there. Lotan calling her fake! Bit rich.
Hannh is having a go at Kieran for not comforting her when she was nominated. Tom coming over and basically intimidating her.
Hannah trying to talk to Lotan and him being so rude to her. Hannah calling Tom 'nosy' and 'extra small.' Ha. See how angry Tom got about it. 'Watch me ruin this joint!' Intimidating. Joe: 'You could have done your hand' as Tom slams his bottle down.
Hannah calling Tom a 'nobody', ha. Him bitching in the DR like a poundland Slim Shady after his latest court battle. Sit down, extra small.
How did Ellie end up in the cool clique? I use those words loosely, but I pronounce them correctly.
Raoh shit stirring that Lotan said 'The nominated people are kicking off, dududududur.' Also threw Ellie's name out there!
Lotan to Hannah: 'Do you mind moving, sweetheart, while I talk to Chanelle?' No problem, darling. The way the guys talk to Hannah is disgusting. It is like she's a second rate citizen in that house. Why could that be... hmm?
Lotan: 'The intellect, or lack of, in this house is killing me.' The irony of him saying those words is almost poetic. Who was he saying 'your voice goes through me' to? I think it was Chanelle.
Tom's upset about being called a nobody. They're all meant to be nobodies.
Hannah: 'Are you somebody? Amazing. Have a good day.' Hannah has stepped up her game.
Raph is being his usual twitchy/ noddy self in the DR, narrating what's going on in the 'season.' He's like an Aldi Dan Gheesling.
Chanelle just broke an egg on the floor for no apparent reason. Rebecca: 'NAH!'
I liked Ellie's 'are you yolking?'
Lotan on Hannah to Tom: 'She hanging herself. Let's ghost her.' Er, racist undertones much! Tom: 'Let's ghost it.' Ah, the people's choice. Aren't we clever. 'Idiot general public' has never been truer.
Chanelle wants to make people's life miserable in case she's going to go. Ha! She's gonna put their clothes in the hot tub and drop some more eggs about. Why not? It's not like there's any intellectuals in the house except Lotan, right, LOL.
Chanelle: 'With Hannah's loudness and my pettiness, the housemates are going to want to walk out when we've finished with them.' Hope so!
Egg gate continues! I love the low level petty warfare of the egg smashing. Chanelle is coming into her own tonight.
Tom threatening to throw food everywhere in retaliation for egg gate in an aggressive manner. He does everything aggressively, he's like a staffy that's been tasered. But no one calls him aggressive.
Joe, Tom and Lotan all with their tops off is making me reconsider my sexuality.
Lotan is conducting an enquiry into egg gate. 'No one man nor a million people' can sway Lotan's opinion. Maybe he can be the new Martin Luther King now Sukvinder's gone.
Rebecca is annoyed that Joe has fingered her for egg gate and said he's a 'nasty old man.' She's a nasty old-looking bitch.
Rebecca is mental, yet not entertaining. Quite a skill there.
Chanelle: 'I've got better things to do than dicuss fucking eggs.' Apparently, I haven't.
Ooh, it's still vote to save! Save Hannah (she proved her worth annoying the other side tonight) and Chanelle.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I gnome it's over

So they bump the time slot of Big Brother tonight to 10.30pm so they can show a documentary so depressing no one would voluntarily watch it (I didn't watch, but I know the story and couldn't bear to hear the details again). This is not a good sign for Big Brother, if they care so little they stick it on at bedtime, and shunt the evictions to Thursday for two weeks. Not good.
The 'coming up' for the show looks shit. I hate everyone.
Ellie was 'sick in her sleep.' Um, that's quite dangerous. Ellie basically admits she's a bunny boiler. Ellie 'plus alcohol equals danger'. No it equals a boring TV show.
Joe telling Ellie to sip her drinks, ha.
Lotan is giving Ellie a lecture about fancying him. They have already shown about four more minutes of this conversation than I care about. Lotan's haircut looks like it was done as part of Helen Wood's (drop out) beauty school.
Charlotte and Raph don't like big dicks cos those people are bad in bed. That can definitely be true.
Lotan: 'In here I'm not the dreamboy, I'm just me.' Stop taking your shirt off, then.
Ellie has a nice bum, shame about her IQ.
Chanelle and Kieran are on a secret task. I couldn't quite follow all the rules, but the housemates think one thing and Kieran and Chanelle think another. And there's gnomes.
Kieran has a manbun today. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more of a knob.
Maybe this task is good if I followed the instructions? Everyone seems to be a fan on Twitter. I can't get into it.
What's Lotan mad about? Is he creating a diversion? I can't work it out. I think it's a fake row with Tom. It's like something off Hollyoaks. Rebecca needs to tighten her bra straps.
But the real task is... etc. You know the drill.
Lotan: 'Chico used to be a dreamboy.' Mint banter. 'He used to have long hair and a massive dick.' OK then. They should get Chico on CBB, I actually like him.
I like Chanelle's strategy of 'you don't shave and wear granny knickers when you go on a date so you don't do anything but then you end up having whore sex with a hairy vagina and granny knickers.' Lol. Hannah's face was a picture.
Yay, the housemates are going to get shitfaced again! Drink responsibly, housemates.
Joe in the DR: 'Rebecca's not my cup of tea.' They're going to show him saying that at some point.
The other hms calling Joe 'a flip flopper.' Raph: 'Kindness is not a weakness.' But what about your VT, Raph! Haha.
The sisters are strategising with Raph. Raph has caught the sun.
The housemates are playing truth or dare. Kieran is doing a lapdance for Joe. Anti sexy. I like the fact one of the sister's wigs is just sat on the edge of the sofa like a cat.
Joe has to say 'which housemate is not being their true self.' God, Big Brother loves a shit stir. Joe said Rebecca. Why does he hate Rebecca now? Storyline! Rebecca's face. I would be scared if I was him.
Deborah: 'Joe is mean. He could have said that in a better way.' True. He enjoyed saying it nastily.
Joe is starting on Rebecca again. 'It's not that I don't like you, it's that you irritate me.' Lovely!
Joe: 'The way you talk, the way you smile, the way you act.' Ouch! Joe is definitely not 30 years older than Rebecca.
Was Kieran even there when that happened? Rebecca is moaning he didn't stick up for her.
I like the awkward silence with Joe, Kieran and Rebecca.
Ooh, Joe looming at Rebecca! 'Back away from me now!' Joe: 'Don't bring my daughter into it!' Rebecca: 'I'm somebody's daughter.' She only said 'how would you like someone speaking to your daughter like that'. She didn't say his daughter was an idiotic bint who calls everyone 'babes.' Unrelated: Joe's daughter started on me on Twitter the other day, haha.
Kieran: 'You deserve it' to Rebecca. What a nice guy. What a good friend.
Joe is sitting back chilling now. Rebecca, he didn't start on your appearance. He said your smile annoyed him. I suppose that is part of your appearance though.
Rebecca: 'I'm a thirty two year old woman.' And the rest! No fucking way am I five years older than her, she is in her early forties.
I like Chanelle's unicorn pyjamas. I liked Rebecca calling Joe 'potentially violent', ha.
Rebecca is a little nutty, no? BB calling Kieran to the DR to sort things out with his mum. The DR body language is good.
I didn't think Kieran was there when they had the first conversation! I never saw him.
Well, that was worth staying up for! I'm definitely going to be watching BBBOTS until half midnight! Er...
Have you heard the pod yet? It's a loooooooong ting. Look, Arisa Cox likes it, so if it's good enough for her, it's good enough for you!

Sunday, 18 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit

Oh Jesus. How to carry on? Just keep swimming, I guess. Think of the pod.
Kieran's 'bird is the word' thing is good, isn't it? *kills self*
Oh they don't know Kayleigh's gone yet. Only Rebecca knows the smack Kayleigh was talking in the DR. But will she be honest about it?
Chanelle: 'How can you get mad about someone perceiving you in a certain way when that's how you act?' Good point. Chanelle said Ellie and Rebecca like Kayleigh. Why?!
Tom and Ellie are baking a cake for Raph and singing an annoying song. It's no 'cooking an egg', is it.
Chanelle saying Kayleigh came up 'against a queen' ie her. 'I'm sure she'll be fine with her big fanbase.' Ha.
Rebecca has a maid? Chanelle: 'I'd rather not have that and not be a mard arse whiny princess.' I think I'd rather have the maid.
No one looked that bothered when they found out Kayleigh left. Charlotte and Rebecca are victim blaming. 'When you're angry you say things you don't mean.' What, like you're going to stab someone with a sharp object? They don't actually know the real reason Kayleigh went. Oh hold on, Rebecca does. She just chose to ignore it.
Chanelle: 'She's deffo going to unfollow me.' How were they already following each other?!
Tom and Hannah are making up.. ish. I like Hannah's plaits.
Rebecca still trying to work out why Kayleigh left. Unbelievable. 'It's just an absolute, massive shame.' No it isn't.
Raph going to Lotan: 'Chanelle never threatened Kayleigh.' Go Raph! Kayleigh got evicted, Kayleigh was the one who took it too far, so wind your fucking neck in Lotan, you dumb twat.
Lotan sees himself as the house peacemaker when actually he's the house douchebag.
Big Brother wants to throw Raph a party but he has to do some shit first. Like singing happy birthday in four languages. Cute. Never seen Raph happier than in the DR on his own. Big Brother has finally sussed he's our fave and is giving him some airtime!
Cool, Big Brother giving Raph a quiz about Big Brother! Amazing. OMG the way Raph said the words 'Helen Wood'. What a legend. I love Raph! How knows dates things happened! I don't know those sorts of details. Finally he had to custard pie himself in the face. He is the cutest. Feels like Big Brother actually got a clue with that bit. It felt old skool.
Aw, Raph's got a cake with his face on. I'm glad they did something nice for him.
I wonder what music they're really dancing to at Raph's silent disco? Something shit, no doubt.
Raph looks kinda hot in the bath, just got to put that out there.
The other housemates are so crap. People say they like Charlotte but I don't. Fucking pointless. Anti-tainment.
Chanelle: 'I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit.' I actually found that pretty funny.
Raph and Chanelle are buzzing in the DR! They have the cutest friendship. I'm sure Kayleigh leaving was a cherry on the cake. Bed buddies! Aw.
Raph: 'We both want to make the most of this experience have have a good time.'
Haha, Big Brother is obviously annoyed they're enjoying themselves so it shitstirs about nomination rule breaks. Ellie and Tom got sent to jail. You shouldn't be allowed to drink in jail. Oh yeah, the jail is the bus stop. I never even realised before, ha.
Even the grumpy sisters are having a laugh in the DR now! What's going on!?
Lotan threw water on Rebecca and said 'can't tell me you didn't get a bitch wet.' Charmed, I'm sure.
Chanelle has a long tongue. She's very coarse, but there's still something sweet about her underneath.
Ellie and Tom seem like genuine friends, even though I can't stand either of them.
Lotan is so irrelevant. I wish they'd stop showing him.
Deborah: 'Rebecca's written a book and I don't even know what the book's called.' I doubt very much if she wrote her own book.
Raph doesn't like Lotan calling women bitches. Yes, Raph!
They are now discussing who should pay on a first date. How long before this ends in a row?
Lotan's never been on a date he's just 'always ended up with people.' Uh huh. Slag.
Chanelle fancies Jeremy Kyle! 'Put something on the end of it.'
Ellie is drunk and touching Lotan up.
Lotan is carping to Tom about Ellie touching him up. Just tell her to stop it.
Joe is giving Ellie a pep talk. Ellie is crying because she's shitfaced. OK, enough with this storyline now. We get it. We don't care.
Tonight felt more like Big Brother than normal. If Rebecca, Kieran, Lotan and Ellie weren't in there with their shitty fake showmances, I could just about stomach it but the last 15 minutes let us down. When is the new blood coming?