Friday, 1 July 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: Exit music (for a reality show)


Oh hello. I've come crawling back to my own blog. I'm watching yesterday's at the mo, so you may get some bonus notes. I love the Big Brother Corp task. Putting Chelsea in charge is the best, except he can't pronounce the word dethiscion. Hahaha! Actually, that makes it even better. Chelsea would make an AMAZING call centre manager.
Georgina: 'Being unhappy is just my natural face.' Ha. Ripped trousers gate. Who has rips in their jeans these days? Except BBUS/Canada housemates. Georgina: 'I've wasted a month in the Big Brother house.' Charming. The BOTS audience members who didn't get cast this year will be apoplectic.
Charlie is upset about some night Jason had out months ago where he drank two and a half litres of something. Isn't he a little old for the Sugar Hut? And what about when she kicked his dog, lol. Jason is such a gameplanner. Charlie deffo kicked the dog. If I'd done a blog last night, my title would have been 'Battersea dogs moan'.
What's with Alex's socks and sandals? Thought he was meant to be sexy. Barf.
When Sam starts on Hughie with his old craggy face. He doesn't know who he's dealing with. Fan favourite! Hughie shouting is THE BEST. Hughie is loopy. He will not go to the DR quietly. I like Hughie's post meltdown cool offs in the DR.
Hughie calling Ryan and Hughie bum buddies. Self hating homophobe. He started that row and then ended up crying. Ha, and indeed, ha.
Charlie 'could say things about Jason that would do him no favours.' Obviously a massive cokehead then.
I'm onto the main show now. Charlie is upset about being called a dog kicker. Rather a dog kicker than a dog, right? Oh. Their airtime must end. I so don't care. BORING.
Hughie and Alex are apologising but did they even row? Wasn't it him and Sam? Alex: 'You can't just blow up at people like that.' No much better to be a boring lump like him. NOT.
Self proclaimed avocado gate. Evelyn: 'I've never heard the word avocado so much'. Me either. Except at work.
Sam has still got a cob on. Probably cos he looks about 50.
Ooh I like that lamp that's like a monkey holding a lightbulb. Cute. Sam hating Ryan is so boring. At least Ryan is fun and vomits in his hands. What does Sam do? Bitch and moan and sit with his mouth agape. And we've got Georgina for that.
Charlie: 'I really don't want to be seen as a dog beater.' TOO LATE. Hughie has the measure of the situation. Charlie was jealous of the dog. Simple.
Haha Andy bringing up 'daughter' gate. Jason should be proud of his daughter, like Devin. Andy: 'I don't want to create arguments.' HAHAHAHA. What a fucking shit stirrer. Andy: 'I think you have a right to know.' I actually LOVE Andy as a housemate. He is soooooooo sanctimonious.
Jayne has had no airtime. She's never going to go tonight.
Andy: 'The one thing I didn't want to do was hear things and then go and say them to other people.' That is the ONLY THING you do in the house! Do you think he even likes Jason? I don't.
Jackson: 'There's only a certain amount a man can take to make his missus happy.' Hahahaha.
Andy: 'Charlie's just called me a prick.' You are one. Jason: 'You could call you a telltale.' You could do that.
Andy: 'I have a false reputation as a shit stirrer.' What's false about it? You're up to your neck in it!
The housemates are mixing... their drinks again. Cue the vom hands. Please!
Andy: 'Believe you me, I took no pleasure in telling Jason that.' You fucking liar. Shit I'm worried Andy is gonna go cos he's getting so much airtime. 'There's intrigue, gossip and rumour.' I love to hate Andy. SSSSSSNAKE! He's gonna come unstuck soon on a vote to evict though.
OMg Andy is safe. I'm shocked. Jayne is also safe. WHY! So either Evelyn or Georgina is going. It's gonna be Georgina. Hundred percent. Quite clever the way the did the vote cos it made me vote again. SUCKER. I always vote wrong.
Jackson is drunk and gone gangster. Georgina is calling Jackson 'Bob Marley.' Racist. Quarter Jamaican! Ha. He wants to 'go have fun with Evelyn.' Haha. Oops. 'Things not to say to Georgina' 101.
Alex doesn't want to get too deep, which is lucky, cos he's shallower than my contact lens case.
MY MISSUS. Georgina and Jackson are quite tragic. And not in a Romeo and Juliet way. I do find it entertaining, though. Georgina: 'work harder.' Jackson will give her 'all of him, but he wants all of you.' I can feel a song coming on.
I love Ryan and Hughie's showmance. Wish we could see more of it.
Georgina is gonna go cos she is getting pure airtime. For some reason Big Brother wants the most entertaining housemates out. God knows why. Show ruiners.
Aw Jackson admires and adores Georgina. I wanna, I wanna I gotta be adored. YOU ADORE ME. Etc. And tings.
Alex is sharing a secret with Lateysha. Is it where he keeps his personality hidden?
Aw, Georgina is not used to someone looking after her. That's cute. Why is she pushing him away then? That's sad. Jackson: 'If you go tomorrow, I'm gonna die.' Aw. Nice to love someone so much you wanna die. Until they go and then you forget ten mins later.
It's Georgina out. Oh no Georgina is crying! But I thought she'd had a wasted month! Jackson is gonna walk with her. OMG all the crying and wailing. It's like an opera. 'I love you, Jackson.' How long before Jackson is having 'an ickle flirt' again? I give it 20 minutes. VOTE TO EVICT strikes again. I like Georgina. All my faves gone so far. Wood floats down to the final.
Georgina: 'I've not been involved in any drama.' Nor has Evelyn. I would be like Georgina if I got evicted. Bawling and moaning.
Georgina: 'What is this energy bullshit?' Emma: 'Do you think you're negative?' Georgina: 'Well, yeah.' Ha. I think Georgina is a good housemate. She HAD to go with this dumb voting system. Worse than Brexit. Here are your best bits: 'Oh no' is the correct response to that.
I don't know why Georgina hates her smile, she's really pretty and was a good housemate. She just needs to go hug a tree, lol.
Have you noticed Emma has not told anyone they're a great housemate yet this year?
Oh so they're bringing new people in. Ugh. Mind you, at this point, does it really fucking matter? No. BRING BACK MARCO. EHEHEHEHEH. And Andrew. OK, thanks.

Friday, 24 June 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: UKIP fucking things up

Lost hippy. Please return to Worthy Farm
Roll up, roll up for the biggest vote injustice ever; oh, no, that was yesterday. Here we just have a foregone conclusion that if a black woman is on the block against a gay man and a white woman, she may as well pack her bags. I even have historical evidence thanks to my timehop app that this time two years ago, Toya was shown the door over MARLON and ASH. And still with the VOTE TO EVICT. Why??? Can someone explain what the logic is? With vote to evict in the celebrity series, there would be NO Rylan vs Spiedi finale. No James vs Austin. It would be fucking Calum Best and Toadfish in the final. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? So they can get it right with the celebs? Why not the normal housemates? I like 'who goes, you decide' is catchy, but it's not worth ruining the show for, right? RIGHT?
Georgina is calling Evelyn 'a trashy slut' for doing handstands. What?
Chelsea thinks Charlie should leave. So do I. I feel like the third wheel in their boring ass non-relationship. Jason: 'This aint Blind Date.' Maybe if it was, he'd want to get off with her. He'd rather walk than get back into it with Charlie. Charlie: 'I still don't know where I stand.' RESTRAINING ORDER. Charlie: 'I just want my boyfriend back.' HE'S NOT INTERESTED. I hope BB is showing this crap to get votes for Charlie. I can't take it!
Emma doesn't want to bitch because she doesn't like the energy. Has she ever said a sentence without the word 'energy' in it? She wants to talk about the world or dreams. I fucking hate people who talk about their dreams. FUCKWITS.
Jane's DR's bore the ass of me. I HATE HER. I wish she was going tonight. Now she's yelling at people in the bedroom. STOP. Natalie to Jayne: 'What is wrong with you, you're such a witch.' Ha.
Jayne: 'Talk to the hand, go back to your brothel.' Chelsea: 'It's only round two, plenty more to go.' ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY.
Hughie is wearing the same clothes as yesterday, just saying I noticed, as I liked them yesterday. Unless they're just using feed from any day now? I wouldn't be surprised. I'm surprised they don't make them wear the same clothes every day like X Factor judges or The Simpsons for continuity. Hughie says, 'Natalie has been saying 'evil tings' and 'building nests in people's ears.' HA!
LOL at Georgina calling Evelyn a 'stupid cow' when she was sat there. Oops! Haha. Fail. That's the worst feeling, but we've all been there. Evelyn: 'You're a stupid cow, you stupid bitch'. Georgina rulebooking again: 'You shouldn't be sleeping.'
Evelyn: 'You can go fuck yourself you entitled little rich bitch.' I wish she'd said that to her face. Haha now Georgina has fallen asleep and Evelyn is capitalising on it, haha. NAP WARS. I don't see why BB doesn't just let them sleep in the day, it's not like we can fucking watch anyway.
OMG Jackson just declared himself Georgina's boyfriend. Needy! Georgina will not be putting it on Facebook. 'It's complicated'?
Hughie would fuck Alex or Evelyn if pushed. And then came the storm. Andy in the storm is like in a really bad b-movie. It's like CGI rain. God is angry with the Big Brother house. Jason is taking charge. I'm getting Mario health and safety flashbacks. It's like the Titanic. Lucky they have the other house to go to, otherwise they'd probably put them in a Travelodge. Jason: 'Don't do another fucking raindance, will ya?' LOL.
It looks like there's blood on the floor of the other house. If not, there will be soon. It's like when the fire alarm goes off at work, isn't it, with them all huddled round. Natalie just said, 'I think you can read my mind!' in the style of Raul from Big Brother Canada (niche references are us).
Ah they're jigging the eviction when they save someone first. Love it. Charlie actually looks nice tonight. Hughie got cheers, yay. I hope it doesn't go to his head.
Yay! I love Hughie being safe and Jane cuddling him. GODFREY BBCAN3 style jump in the air. Then Lateysha cuddled him! LOL. She's changed her tune. I love Hughie getting the validation from the crowd. Let's see who sucks up to him now.
Jayne is trying to escape or just whining about escaping. GO HOME, OLD LADY. You're boring. 'I want the public to vote me out.' NO PROBLEM.
The housemates are 'role playing' in the garden. Cringe. Ryan was quite good as a gruff dad in the 'ears pierced' roleplay. It did feel slightly like a 70s porno.
Jackson: 'Georgina believes in monogamomy.' I believe in that word having four syllables.
Emma's 'on acid at Glastonbury' outfit is not doing it for me.
Jackson is clingy as fuck. 'My missus.' Oh Georgina is buying it. 'Communication is key' are not sexual words. It's like a PowerPoint presentation.
Toothbrush talk in the DR! I say talk, I mean bitching.
Jayne is missing her REAL FRIENDS (t.m. Kanye.) Natalie: 'I do make my presence known.' Welllll. 'I'd be more missed than Hughie.' NEGATIVE. She wants to come out with 'a bit of her dignity left.' Good luck with that.
'Get Natalie out' seems to have too many syllables (second mention of the word sylables in this blog, maths fans) for the dumb crowd. Oh Natalie's gone. You do surprise me. A black woman? Out second? You do surprise me. 'OFF OFF OFF OFF.' Why? For pot stirring? She did nothing wrong.
Natalie enjoyed 10% of her time in the house. Wellllll. This interview is going south fast. Emma is calling Natalie out saying Hughie never called Lateysha a slut. Natalie: 'Are we going to talk about anything positive?' Probably not. I like it when people start giving Emma grief.
DRY MOUTH TIMES. Can't they give the evictees some water FFS? Are they on a meter? It just flooded so they should be awash with the stuff.
Natalie seems broken. 'Emma's as fake as hell.' Haha. Emma (Willis) was so cold in that interview. She is SO BAD AT IT. I can't even.
Emma just came down those stairs like a crab. Prob back off to the sea, to swim around in the precious water she won't give to the evicted housemates while grilling the crap out of them.
So that's it. We're out of Europe, and we're out of Natalie. Sigh. The worst part is, I don't even care anymore. The second worst part is: nor does anyone.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: How can you be so rude?

Lateysha's little bitch (pictured)
Another SHIT warning at the start of the episode, two weeks ago there would be a plethora of warnings, nay, a smorgasbord, all down to one annoying man. Sigh.
It's the morning after the dull Natalie blow up where she did NOT hit Laura (I rewatched the tape!) Lost respect for Evelyn yelping, 'She hit her!' Evelyn clearly did not grow up in my family home or hometown. Otherwise she'd know what a hit looks like.
Natalie being dramatic and won't apologise. Natalie doesn't swap spit with ANYONE (cos she's the least sexy). Natalie calling Evelyn Laura's 'sidekick' haha. 'You're a greedy bitch, you mean nothing to me.' Laura: 'How can you be so rude?' Well.
Andy is doing his usual 'I'm above all this' routine in the diary room. He wants to go and dream of Elizabeth the first. I want to dream of a time when Andrew and Marco were still in the Big Brother house and I actually gave two fucks. Pipe down, Andy, no one cares.
Oh god, this brain task is rotting my brain.
LOL Andy is being revealed as calling Georgina a bully! This is the type of shitstir I like. Why are they showing Evelyn saying Jason has a heart of gold? Boring. Oh is Charlie watching? Evelyn is dead meat.
Haha, Laura calling Sam 'Lateysha's little bitch.' At least Laura said sorry. Laura is growing on me, you know, despite looking like she's wearing golf gear half the time. Sam's mouth is agape. Sam: 'I'm not Lateysha's bitch.' Haha.
Did Natalie just say 'two faced as Spock?' Ooh it's gonna kick off. Charlie: 'You don't know Jason. You've known him two weeks. I've took you under my wing.' Charlie is a DESPERATE for a storyline. Fake crying! Showbiz.
Laura and Evelyn are easy targets for nomination now. Two more women who will go over handwringers like Andy and Sam, pathetic little penguins that they are. Lateysha is being annoying too. Sam will 'forgive but not forget'. Pious, much?
How come Georgina isn't digging Andy out! Looks like they're written her out of this episode via airbush, like they did with Andrew. How does he get away with saying the 'bully' word? I even heard Rylan said it was a 'strong word' yesterday, lol.
Charlie remembering all the happy memories with Jason. Meat feast pizzas, Snickers... and then all those months he spent trying to get rid of her.
Emma is such a non entity, she's is GUARANTEED to be there in final night, sat beside human borebag Alex.
Laura and Evelyn crying in the DR, haha. Diary weep! Laura correctly used the word ostracised and then corrected herself. Ugh. I LOVE this, I think it's hilarious. It's so unfair as everyone bitches in the house, only a couple got shown, then only one thing gets focused on. Laura is now giving Evelyn a DR pep talk. I do kind of like these two, just cos I hate everyone else.But a two person alliance isn't going to work this early.
Sam and Lateysha with Natalie slating Hughie. Ugh. Sam: 'He proper pecks my head.' Tough! These are the same people who were so aghast at Laura and Evelyn bitching about them, go figure.
Jason: 'At the moment no one's feeling awkward.' Except all the housemates and what few viewers are left.
Lateysha hates people who call her a slag or a slut. I LOVE IT. Lateysha needs to pipe down. How come we never saw Hughie call her that? I like Hughie's parrot tshirt, it's a chic from me. In fact, I like his whole look today.
YAY a riled Hughie in the DR. My favourite. Hughie doesn't like the 'backbiting.'
Sam: 'I think Hughie's false as shit.' I love Jayne defending him! Then Jayne and Natalie started arguing. Haha. What a pair of hags (sorry, sexist).
OMG at Jayne in Natalie's face! I would have knocked her out if she'd come that close to me. 'Whore!' 'Takes one to know one.' These are like GROWN women. Quite grown. I love it when a housemate gets thrown out of the diary room mid- flow. Classic BB. I admire Jayne sticking up for Hughie but the way she went about it was insane. She's tapped.
Charlie: 'Why aren't you cuddling me, Jason?' Because he doesn't fancy you. MOVE ON. Move along, nutbag. 'Why can't we enjoy our time in here?' You know why, Jason. You won't do as you're told. YOU MUST SUFFER.
Lateysha giving Hughie a thick ear. This is not a good look for Lateysha in more ways than one. You should dress up to give someone a bollocking.
Not sure why that finished five minutes early. Maybe they ran out of footage. I've definitely run out of blog jokes, so fuck you very much, Big Brother. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: David Gest suite for Natalie

Jayne is moaning that the house is a mess - squalor is actually too polite a word for that dump.
Jackson is on his perch, pontificating about Georgina and his son. 'She took it on the chin like a true champ.' OK then. I await the rags to riches magazine deal.
Georgina is worried about Jackson's baby momma. 'Culture clash.' Who cares? Lateysha is right, if you like someone, it doesn't matter. So she obviously doesn't like him.
Jayne wants to bring in a rota. Chelsea is telling Jayne 'not to inaugurate herself into the house with an attitude.' HRH Honeytrap. Natalie is capitalising on the situation, stirring about Jayne. TOO LATE they realise they should have put Jayne up. It should be Jayne out, not Natalie. Now she's actressing in the diary room. YAWN.
Shopping task. Andy, Chelsea and Lateysha are the 'brain housemates.' Who decided that? Sam and Laura have to go on a bath full of unmentionables. Ryan isn't getting much airtime lately, is he? I almost started liking him, he's so insignificant (see alleged sexiest man Alex for further details).
Laura: 'It's all going in my fanny.' Insert Marco joke here. Or there. *sexist*
I fucking love battered sausage and chips, that's my lifeblood. I don't get this task. I'd be like, just give me the food. Is it cos the bath stinks they can't eat it? I can't work out what's going on. It ended with 'there's fucking fish coming out of my arsehole', though. Sound bites.
Then now have to say who's the most and least honest. BORING. Jayne *seriously*: 'What does being fake entail?' Er... you apparently. Then she cried. I don't care about any of these housemates. I don't care about another regurgitated shit stir. Have I mentioned I miss Marco? And Andrew. I miss all the BDSM people basically. Natalie will make it the hat trick.
Chelsea is being an arse in this task. He's so vile about Jayne and I fucking hate Jayne. Natalie the least sexy? Natalie is a dominatrix! She will make you call her sexy! *whip*
Natalie is refusing to go on the 'unsexy' podium. Jayne has admitted she's 'a bombshell'. Hughie has offered to go up as 'least sexy' even though 'I know I'm good looking.' Natalie: 'I get fit guys.' Hahaha. Sexy is very subjective. Andy and Chelsea are about as sexy as the shit weasels from Dreamcatcher, for example. And Jayne looks like she takes her dentures out before she gives a blowjob. (I know this is low, but the episode is so boring, it's driven me to it. Apologies for ageism/ sexism).
Natalie is now ordering someone round an obstacle course. Is it Hughie? 'I thought you were used to giving orders.' Andy can't watch, like when creepy Chris had to watch the live feed with Helen and couldn't be bothered. It's a hard life in the Big Brother house. Haha.
I like how much Natalie fucking up this task is annoying Andy, Lateysha and Chelsea. Even Evelyn is pissed off about the task nonsense. She speaks!
Andy is dissing Natalie's dom skills. Thought he was pro women? She she's been called unsexy and crap at giving orders. Where do we sign up for the spanking?
HAHAHA at Natalie issuing orders about the wine! Hilarity. Alkie! OMG my TV just cut out because it's thundering here. Right when it kicked off. Great timing. I don't think I'm fated to enjoy this episode. Apparently Natalie hit Laura, but I never even saw it. I'm getting mixed opinions on Twitter, from 'pushed her arm' to 'hit her.' I don't think she'd still be in there if she'd hit her.
Natalie: 'It's like I'm their target.' Fighting talk! Are they bullying Natalie? It's hard for me to tell with the missing footage. REDACTED.
Sam thinks people are ganging up on Natalie. Oh, he's got beef with Ryan. He doesn't agree with a guy (Ryan) being in a woman's face (Natalie) although I'm sure Natalie could kill Ryan with one finger, Chelsea style. I missed the bit with Ryan, so I can't comment. Sam is either being legit decent or a top gameplanner. Either way, it's more than I've seen him do so far.
SPARE ROOM. David Gest suite for Natalie. Ooh interesting that Laura and Evelyn don't like Lateysha and Sam. This is what I want to see, the real divides based on actual personalities, not fake beefs caused by arbitary divides, or dumb pre-existing relationships. I want REAL TALK not all this fake ass drama. Is that too much to ask? I know it is.
Natalie 'swiped Laura's arm in an offensive manner' and was given a warning. Was this fair? I have no clue. Not a great blog when I missed the crucial moment, plus the rest of the show was shit. Still, kind of sums up how I feel about Big Brother UK at the moment. Eight week series? Probably for the best. And I hate them for making me say that.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: Juicy boobs redux

Big Brother wakes the housemates up with some nomination terror. Lateysha has got her 'proportions' and 'consequences' mixed up. True gamer.
So only other others can be nominated, yay. I don't see why Chelsea is worried; him, Alex and Jackson won't be up, it will be all noobs, probably all women, but maybe Hughie, too.
Andy: 'I was going to ask in a very innocent way how it was sharing a bed with Georgina.' Nothing this dude does is innocent.
Where is Charlie lapdancing, at the local charity for the blind? SHE MINGS.
Alex admitting he told Charlie that Jason would be into the idea of getting back together, haha. Jason looks like a deer in the headlights.
Georgina's pierced nipples: eek or chic? I don't like Georgina all happy, I want her all miso again. It suits her better. Jackson: 'I'm getting a hard on.' TMI.
Jason and Charlie are having a 'spouting cliches' competition: 'run before I can walk', 'name of the game' 'damned if I do, damned if I don't.' STOP THAT. Simple people! No wonder they can't work out what they want in life, they can't even come up with an original sentence between them. 
Natalie is such a DR warrior. She doesn't like Lateysha for confronting Hughie for calling her a slag cos of the sheep tattoo. Did you really expect Lateysha to keep her mouth shut? Look at the size of it. Not gonna happen.
So others can't nominate either? They should be able to nominate each other, at least.
Natalie: 'It was dark black in the other house.' Andy: 'You probably think I'm only talking to you because of nominations.' Talk about over analysing everything! Chill out, Andy! You look like shit from all the moralising.
NOM TIME. Jason nominated Natalie 'for causing tension' and Hughie for calling Lateysha 'thick.' Too pussy to nominate Charlie.
Sam nommed Hughie- the cold vibe was probably because he's getting off with your ex boyfriend.
Emma doesn't like Natalie's energy. I don't like Emma's mismatched nipples. She also doesn't like Hughie. They just don't get Hughie yet, like I didn't for a few days. You will grow to love him.
Georgina nominated Natalie and Hughie. 'I've heard he goes zero to a hundred.' You heard right. 'He's a viper.' He's more of a terrier.
Charlie has reduxed Kelsey's cage dress from BBCAN into a swimsuit. Charlie's boobs are grotesque. Everyone looks miserable in the pool clad in binbags. Jason is trying to influene the noms 'she's enjoying herself and pushing me out.' Chelsea: 'I saw that. Abso-bloody-lutely.'
Georgina digging Jackson out for smoking and fancying Evelyn. She is quite demanding, isn't she?
Andy is nomming Charlie because Jason is his mate and he wants him back, no doubt. Everyone is nomming Natalie! Poor Natalie.
Evelyn nommed Jayne! Yes. I really want Jayne to go, not Natalie. Evelyn always does a shrewd vote, I've noticed. She doesn't like Jayne being a 'honeypotter.' Who's that, Harry Potter's wife?
Laura nominated Charlie and Hughie 'for arguing with everyone.' Lateysha nominated Hughie and Natalie.
Jayne dishing the dirt on John Terry. John Terry is disgusting. I think Jayne might be worse. Didn't know he was engaged, whatevs. Her honeypotting game is strong. But if I employ her to spy on my boyfriend, doesn't that mean she's just going to shag him? Then I have to pay her? Then she sells the story? Hold on, where do I sign up to BE Jayne? Oh hold on... John Terry, Sven, Chelsea... I take that back. I know she's like 65, but gross.
Georgina just busted out 'Not being funny, but...' She has a face built for 'not being funny.'
So who's up? Natalie, Hughie and Charlie. Charlie should go up for the knee high gladiator sandals alone.
Natalie will be the 'happiest bitch on the planet' to go. I don't really know who I want to go. I wanted Jayne to go. As long as Hughie doesn't go, I don't care, and there's no danger of that. He's a man.
Sausage fingers is comforting Sarah Harding's mum. He must be PRAYING she goes. PRAYING.
Charlie thinks Jason might just want to wait until they're outside to get it on! Haha. Deluded.
What the fuck is Emma wearing? Her underwear and then some black fishnet god knows what. Is Natalie auditioning her for a job in the brothel? Not sure what energy we're getting from that mess. Even dressed 'sexy' she's not sexy. She looks like a horse caught in a fishing net.
Jayne's paisley (jumpsuit?) ensemble looks like someone's vommed on her. It's all about the clothes tonight because Marco went. He would have had to go anyway, to go to court today, but that's not the point. BB would have covered that up somehow, maybe put a bag over his head outside court. But you'd still hear 'EHEHEHEH' from underneath it after daddy paid the fine.
Charlie's lapdance. She is sexual herpes. Is Jason enjoying it or not? Looked like there was a stirring in his loins towards the end. GROSS. Emma's singing was probably the most disturbing part. Very reminiscent of Bianca's lapdance with Winston when Zoe 'I don't mix with people in Asda' sang another creepy as fuck song.
Natalie is determined to find out who nominated her. Jason doesn't 'want a dildo shoved up his arse'. Weeeeelll. He can't afford it, apparently.
Georgina doesn't understand what Jackson sees in her. Well, it's slim pickings, isn't it? She is appalled by him sleeping with 300 women. Don't worry, I'm sure he made that figure up.
Georgina will have to get Jackson to behave 'during cupcakes and tea.' Don't worry, he'll probably be off banging all these imaginary women. How awful to start going out with someone and then start trying to change them in the first WEEK? Just go out with some posho. You're not even posh anyway.
OMG Georgina is jealous over Jackson's pictures. STEVEN GOODE. He's getting the pictures out! When he said, 'That's my son' that was a genuine twist. I was shocked. Why is he keeping it secret? The poor kid! You wouldn't want Georgina as your stepmother, would you, fam? Also, how is this going to go down during cupcakes and tea?  I wanted to see more of Georgina's reaction to that. SOME HOPE.
Jason 'works on the majority, eight out of ten cats.' SHEEP VOTE. Andy is more of a one man island. I am finding this DULL DULL DULL. Bring on BB18 (Big Brother USA) which starts tomorrow.

Monday, 20 June 2016

Big Brother UK 2016: Romeo and Juliet: the magazine deal

Have you noticed the warning is shit now because Marco isn't in anymore? BORING! Also, I must mention the slut shaming Holly and Phil gave Marco on This Morning. Holly actually said to Marco: 'How will your children feel about seeing you potentially with a woman who's not their mother.' WTF? The weirdest part of that sentence is like Laura WOULD be the future mother of his children. The second weirdest is worrying about Marco's imaginary children when he's twenty one and he did FUCK ALL. The third weirdest is the thought of Marco's children watching back episodes of Big Brother. Like that's gonna happen. I hate Holly, she's such a fucking prude. Phil is not much better.
Haha Andy is sleeping with a little teddy. Is that part of his colourful sex life? He says he's 'not looking forward to aggravation and conflict.' Don't lie, you little bitch, handwringing in the DR. Andy think the others deserve immunity more! I hope they win then he goes. See how he likes it then.
When Ryan shouts at Hughie I just want him to go doolally at him. Ryan is no Nadia, is he? Jackson: 'You ever done cocaine off the floor, fam?' Depends how clean the floor is. Big Brother house floor, no chance. STREET KIDS. Is smoking addiction comparable to cocaine addiction? We need a guinea pig to find out. I nominate Marco.
Ryan and Hughie make me laugh despite myself. Hughie makes Ryan palatable.
Jackson vs Hughie is hilarity. What a lot of hot air. 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOUTING AT?' I love Hughie standing on a pouffe to seem more intimidating. Why bother getting angry at Hughie kicking off? Alex: 'Get out of my face.' Oooh, Alex speaks and he's aggressive. No surprises. Can we say Danny Wisker? Hilarity. Getting upset about Hughie going off is like shouting at the moon. Hughie's natural state is shouting and pointing. Sit back and enjoy.
Jackson: 'You're aggressive.' It was your vein popping out, fam.
Big Brother: 'Do you think an argument this close to the task is good for team harmony?' Haha. Hughie in the diary room is amazing. I actually think Big Brother have found a unique housemate in him. I didn't get him for a few days. But now I think he's my winner pick. I love how they make up so quick, it cracks me up, fam.
Grab the orb task! they are pitting Jackson against Georgina! Haha. This task looks dangerous. Looks like a good recipe for broken bones. Takeshi's castle! Ryan vs Andy's gay on gay action was hilarious. Got quite nasty there. They are proper strangling each other. This task is funny. It's like a cheap task, like the ghetto task redux, but works. The way they picked the pairs was good.
I'm loving Laura's lipstick tonight. CHIC!
Jackson is on his perch in the DR. 'Are we Romeo and Juliet? Their firms wouldn't let them be together so they just fucked them off and got together.' AND THEN THEY DIED. He probably didn't get to that bit. His Lady and the Tramp storylining is tedious. I still find him attractive though, which is annoying. Those cheekbones, sigh.
Chelsea can 'break people's arm with one finger.' Who to begin with?
The main housemates feel protective of Jason. Even Evelyn feels strongly about this. People are twitching about the bed situation. Don't blame them.
So whichever side wins is immune. I already know which side wins. And I'm happy about it.
The key hidden in the balls is like Jeff from BBUS and his clown shoes, isn't it. FIX. LOL. How is Jason going to unlock padlocks with those sausage fingers?
Yay the main house won. Hopefully we can get rid of Jayne, Natalie or Charlie.
Charlie is a MEGA bunny boiler. *sexist* She's playing mindgames from the off. Jason is shitting a BRICK. The others are joining the main house. *screaming etc*
Georgina: 'You're such a loser.' to Jackson. Ha. Lateysha matchmaking. Jackson; 'If I was there you could whine in my ear.' That's my kind of fella.
Aw to Ryan and Hughie jumping in the pool. Natalie is MIXING straight away, haha. I love it.
I actually really feel for Jason trying to manage this situation. Charlie is a firecracker. Jason: 'I've said you've got a slight anger problem.' Hahaha. 'Well, you've always wanted to live with me.' Good one.
Natalie: 'Hughie has been calling you a slag and a slut' to Lateysha. OMG that is bad. You shouldn't come in and say that, you should let people make up their own mind about people. Strong gameplay, though.
Jason is hiding in the DR from Charlie. He is like a war torn veteran on fireworks night.
Lateysha is upset with 'Whoey'. 'How can you judge me based on the show I've been on?' Er. That's what my entire podcasting and blogging oeuvre is based on. I MISS MARCO.
Jackson is pushing his storyline too hard! STOP THAT. I do like seeing him all smitten in a way, though, ha. Swoon. I'm so mixed on him.
Jason is on bed watch. Charlie doesn't mind top and tailing. I think Jason does. Charlie is going to fight for him. He will 100% get back with her, whether he likes it or not.
Natalie's shit-stirring is quite a joy to behold. Is a tattoo of a sheep really the mark of a 'slut'? I don't see how.
Hughie admitted he called Lateysha a slut! Haha. At least he admitted it. I'm glad she confronted him. I liked his 'as a traveller, I'm used to being pre-judged' deflection.
Hughie swore on his mum's life he won't react to Natalie anymore. OK then. *Looks at watch*
Does Georgina even like Jackson? I think she just likes the attention. Mind you...
Jason's 'I've got your back' is not the same as 'I want you back' is it. I reckon he'll want to nominate Charlie but he'll be too scared they'll show it. *Evil cackle* Charlie has Big Brother brain x 1000. I don't think she'd be interested in Jason if they weren't on TV. Charlie is a moody cow. 'It's FINE!' It's not fine, is it?
What was Natalie just eating in bed? Looks like she popped a cotton ball in her mouth.
Georgina: 'I'm expensive. I love shoes and bags.' UGH. I don't remember than in Romeo and Juliet, do you?

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Big Brother 2016 UK: Kiss and tell (it to my face)

SAY YACHT?
We did a podcast last night if you missed it and you like a bit of aural.
I'm so over the others, especially their disgusting green bedroom, it makes me want vomit. Also, ALL the housemates tattoos make me want to buy shares in Dr Tattoff. GROSS. Jason's tribal tattoo is at the top of my shitlist at the moment, but believe me, there's plenty of others to choose from.
Chelsea thought Marco was entertaining: HE WAS! Vote to evict CULLS ENTERTAINMENT. It's fucked.
Jason recognised Charlie's boobs and hair extensions. How romantic. 'It was like being hit over the head by a baseball bat. My ears dropped to my mouth, my mouth dropped to my gut.' He's got quite a way with words, hasn't he? What a dreamboat.
Jackson is eating an apple alert.
I love the fact Laura has cottoned onto that gross comment Andy made about Marco getting a reality check. That was so mean and uncalled for. Seeing the other side to Andy? There's only one side: being an absolute cunt. How can people like him? He's not funny. He's not interesting. He's not attractive. And he's NOT intelligent. He's sour but without all the fun of being sour that Georgina has.
The others are arguing about cleaning. 'TALK TO THE HAND. SAY IT TO MY FACE.' The others house is like the shouting factory. Please stop. SO MANY LOATHSOME PEOPLE. Hughie came in at the end and nearly started, too. Haha. At least Hughie is there.
Georgina still sourfaced knowing Jackson loves her. Why is everyone constantly eating cereal in Big Brother? Crunch, crunch, slurp, slurp. How exactly are the housemates going head to head? So whoever wins gets immunity. It needs to be a one on one battle to the death with a pugle stick.
Lateysha: 'I hope there's no questions cos I'm thick as fuck.' Don't worry, yours will be a drinking task.
Chelsea is saying the others are going to band together. In between yelling at each other and nearly braining each other. I'll believe it when I see it!
Why is Andy alienating his own alliance? Great social game, mate. Really intelligent. How can anyone call this man intelligent? Go get back in the lift, bitch. Your local shops are missing you.
Great task outfits. Electric shocks? No, just decorative, I think.
Viewers tweets! Outside contact. Robot American Big Brother FTW. Jayne has crossed out some of her answers but you can still read some of the housemates she's insulting. Weak gameplay. Why not read out my tweets Big Brother, too spicy for ya?
Andy: boring. Natalie: too opinionated. Chelsea: up his own arse. Andy is a sly fox. Many lols.
Ryan and Lateysha are downing vom shots. Lateysha has fucked it, Ryan swallowed like a champ.
The others are smashing it (eggs and otherwise).
Chelsea and Andy are having a brain off. The pound of feathers and stone. Hughie really loudly: THEY'RE THE SAME.' while everyone shhes him. I'm dying.
SPELLING! Hughie is deffo the man for this job, Yacht is actually quite hard to spell, I just misspelt it writing it then and I'm a writer/ editor (I know it's hard to believe when you read this). Embarrassment is also tricky although I got that first time this go (gold star for me, mummy)
Century egg! *Gordon Ramsey vomit noise* Pass the sick bucket. Laura is going for it! Jackson can't do it! I admire her for that. She did well. I remember I found newfound respect for Jordan back when I watched I'm a Celeb and she did all those tasks in the jungle and tonight I feel like that about Laura, not just about the egg, but about something that comes later.
Honesty task: Natalie vs Georgina. Most untrustworthy: Andy. Hoodie gate redux. Andy looks so annoyed, I love it. His face is a one man meme machine.
Jayne gives all the money from her kiss and tells to charity. BHAHAHAHA. I've heard it all now. Literally fucking for charity. That's a new one. What a philanthropist.
Who will win? Alex. Yep. Doesn't say a word, is a man and strips of regularly; great strategy.
Who would you evict right now? Georgina said Andy. Natalie said Hughie. Natalie is on my shit list for targeting Hughie. YOU TICK COONT!
I don't think you should say 'pot kettle black' to a black person even though going 'you tick coont' on our podcast is also racist, so you can't win. Yet it's so much fun.
Just think, that was the FIRST TIME the main house met the others. They didn't really make a good impression, did they, bellowing at each? They come across MENTAL. Oh, that's because they are.
Andy whining about Georgina. 'Bullied'! Bitch, please, you little shrew. I knew he'd play the pity party card now. 'HOODIE GATE.' Hahaha it's funny when even the housemates are calling it that. Do you think Jason even likes Andy? I don't. He's just someone to smoke with until Charlie comes in to terrorise him.
I LOVE Laura bringing 'reality check' thing to Andy. Him: 'I meant it was a reality check for everyone.' You fucking liar. Backtracking shit. I love the fact everyone hates him. Now he's backtracking on saying he might like the new people better, too! Even Evelyn is onto him! Sssssssnake!
Natalie is such a wooden spoon about Jayne and Chelsea, I've got to give her that. Jayne is SOOOO sanctimonious. I hate her diary rooms.
Remind me never to eat pasta, everyone is eating it like their mouths all shrunk by one size.
Jayne: 'I've dealt with the Natalie's of the world.' What, black people? Ha, Natalie overheard. Jayne: 'I want to go home.' GO HOME THEN. I HATE YOU.
I'm suddenly warming to Natalie halfway through my blog, haha. I can't get a handle on these housemates. It's just different levels of odiousness. It's definitely who you hate least on any given day.
Ryan LOVES Hughie, I called it. Meanwhile, Sam thinks HUGHIE fancies him! He was probably just looking at him because he's Ryan's ex boyfriend and he's curious. Unless he has a penchant for neck acne.
Natalie has like half a posh accent, half common. She's referring to herself in the third person. Stop giving her so much DR time. I'd rather see Hughie in the DR. I'd rather see Marco and Laura fucking in the DR chair, TBH.
Still can someone explain to me how this others shit works? Is it all the others stay or some stay? NO ONE KNOWS DO THEY. Not even Endemol. We'd better lose at least three or four people. It's only an eight week series. Let's stark kicking these motherfuckers out in bulk.