Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Launch and backstage goss!

Sorry there was no launch night blog or podcast, but we invited at the house yesterday so was a bit hard to blog from the crowd and we were too tired to podcast on the way home. So this blog will cover a bit of pre-show info, as well as my thoughts on the housemates.
Once again, we were so lucky to be invited to the house with our fellow superfans. As usual I had actively avoided seeing house pics or housemate rumours so it was all a surprise to me on the day.
This meant actually going into the house was quite disorientating as we weren't allowed into the living room or garden this time and the layout had changed quite a bit.
The house looked divine though, very me, with lots of ornaments and chintzy rugs, plastic chandeliers etc (that's basically my house). The only other major change was the enclosed staircase. We didn't get to see the diary room this time, but when I saw the chair, I was pleased with it.
We had a great time poking through the cupboards and taking loads of photos. There's a house tour video filmed by my podcast co-host Gaz here where he explores every nook and cranny as well as tons of photos from the house I took here and here.
Rylan was lovely as usual, taking group photos for us and posing for selfies (and also added us on Twitter, cheers!) They treat us very well when we're there - although where was the Prosecco this time? *insert Kim Woodburn waving a bottle here*.
In the bar waiting to go in the launch, we got interviews with Chelsea Singh (I know, right) and Staci Francis (Gaz's doing) which will be on the next BB on Blast podcast (coming on Sunday!) And don't worry, we'll still be podding BBUS, too (I know all two of you were worried there).
When we finally got in the audience we were in our usual spot, and only the superfans were allowed to tweet, not even the friends and fam (exciting). We were told jokingly this was because Twitter would dry up without us, haha.
The set looked great outside, too, I loved all the neon and the cars driving the housemates in was decent, it just meant there was less room for the crowd. But it was a nice old skool touch. Seeing the same car reversing out of a very tight space for each housemate was quite funny, too.
I will comment on my experience just from watching live, and then I will watch the show and comment on the housemates. My live observations were that Emma's hair looked more bonkers than ever and the drone is really fucking noisy and irritating.
The friends and family interviews before we even had a chance to meet the housemates properly was unforgivable. The amount of time we saw housemates meet and greet each other was the shortest I've ever seen. I mean, that's a massive part of the joy isn't it, seeing these different characters come together and interact? Friends and families belong on BBBOTS. I do wonder whose idea this was and why it happened. It's missteps like this that make me think 'huh?' After being invited to the Q&A with the producers last week, who were extremely clued up and experienced about the show, it's quite baffling.
OK, I'm going to watch the show now and see what I missed in the throng of the crowd! I heard there's a new theme tune! I'm nervous!
Watching the intro package reminds me I had to stop Gaz from 'ooh oohing'. The title sequence and the set looks great on TV too, all the neon is very visual.
It's funny in the script they still have all the references to fake news, the president etc which were obviously related to Stormy Daniels who never showed up. God bless 'em, they tried to cover it a bit but... not really.
The house looks soooo much bigger on TV. The kitchen looked huge with Emma in it but it's quite poky in there. Weird the kitchen backs onto the bedroom, will no doubt cause some rows. Only one bedroom, too. It's funny seeing Emma pointing out things Gaz already pointed out on our house tour, haha. First!
Emma: 'You've all seen the pictures.' I hadn't! (Bad superfan).
Imagine if they had that lattice wall on BBUS! The whispering would have to turn up a knotch. Ooh, I like that mirror with the monkeys on. I love the colours in the garden and the living room, too. Blue and yellow reminds me of the splish splash room in BBUS, haha. Couch looks nice.
The superfans were a bit torn on Emma popping up on the screen to evict people, but I don't care about that. We're used to it with Chenbot! The pool looks bigger than normal, at least you can do (short) laps.
Emma's house tour seems long as fuck both IRL and on TV.
I love the diary room corridor! So kitsch. I think this might be the most 'me' house ever. I would love to have sat in that DR chair! Looks so good.
OK, onto the housemates. First up, Kirstie Alley. She used to be in Cheers. I barely remember that, but I remember her as an actress when she was younger. I hope her storyline goes beyond her weight. I think she should be quite a fiery character and she's a big booking. Shes not Stormy, but Big Brother will try and squeeze her into that role of 'don't fuck with me older lady' anyway, haha. Let's hope she's more Kim Woodburn than Ann Widdecombe. Oh who am I kidding, Ann was a great character, too.
I liked Kirstie's pink shoes and purple coat. Definite Ursula from the Little Mermaid vibes. That's some big old hair she's got there. Nearly as big as Emma's.
I'm not really a fan of the more jazz piano incidental music, to be honest, even though Gaz was digging it on the night. I don't like change!
I do like the dynamic of them going down the corridor in complete silence and you can hear their thoughts there, too. Kirstie likes the house '1930s Hollywood, exquisite...'
Then the stupid twist commenced (more of a waste of time on launch night when I want to get to know the housemates). So Kirstie because the BB President (isn't that someone on Twitter?) She's hoping she doesn't get assassinated.
Hold on, the public had to vote based on Kirstie asking questions of the other housemates? I don't remember one question she asked! They showed fuck all from inside the house! Not much of a twist, as a new housemate will ask questions of other housemates anyway.
Next in was Ryan Thomas aka Jason from Corrie. I always liked him in Corrie and I think he's probably a decent bloke. I could see him winning it. I do wish he'd sort his hair out though, it's gone a bit David Platt. Just let it go, Jason. Sorry, I won't call him Jason as it's confusing. His on-screen brother Todd (Bruno Langley) would be a better booking after he got sacked for groping women. I'd love to witness that mess of a redemption story.
Ooh, in car footage! Cool.
That was very smooth of him to say 'Look who's talking now' to Kirstie. He's done his research ala Perez.
Next in is footballer Jermaine Pennant, a footballer and bad boy (aren't they the same thing?) He was charged with drink driving while banned from driving and went to prison for three months, then wore a tag on the pitch. He later crashed his car drink driving. Um, mate, stop drink driving! He'd never do it again. Of course he won't, not until the next time (bit of Morrissey for you there).
Ah he got a couple of boos and now he is shook, lol. I booed him and the people in front of me looked upset but they weren’t with him. Drink driving is gross. Kill yourself by all means, but don't put others at risk. Also: no socks on. Wrong 'un.
Had a strong Sezer-esque intro statement: 'Let the games begin.' Bhahahaha!
Next in is Chloe Ayling, someone I predicted would go in the house about a month ago when I heard the theme was notorious people. She looked like Lauren Harries in silhouette. She basically got kidnapped and they tried to sell her on the dark web but no one believed her, they just thought she was a glamour girl and magazine dealer. To be honest, I saw her being interviewed and she didn't seem very plausible. But I think she's just one of these people that comes across a bit impassive, even when describing her own kidnapping ordeal. I like her, I think she's good casting. She seems sweet and a good fit for BB. Are people really moaning she's not a real celeb? Get in the sea. I like the 'scandal' type people.
Chloe has a new twist on the boob laces, as pointed out by Gaz: the thigh lace. Sophisticated. Ooh they go up the side, too.
Emma is doing the voiceover on these VTs like she's Trevor McDonald.
I liked when she said she was 'looking forward to the tasks' - she must have heard Trevor Boris was coming. We've got a gamer on our hands here! Hold on, she's never seen an episode of Big Brother before?! Lies.
Jermaine looked her up and down when she came in like a right lech.
OMG next in was the Human Ken Doll! Rodrigo! And they played Flawless (absolutely flawless!) Many lols. He's my winner pick. He will be great TV. He is amazing to even look at. He doesn't even need to speak. How old is he?! He had four ribs removed so he looks better when wearing a blazer, ha (and he carries them round in a jar?!). He is a 'real person with emotions'. They just don't show on his face. If I'd put a bet on last night, I would have put an ill placed bet on him, just like I did with India. Omg look at his baby pink suit! Look at his frilly shirt!  Look at his white hair! He said 'what a beautiful crowd' haha. Cheers mate. I like the fact he was boasting they'd been trying to get him on for years. I wonder what he looks like first thing in the morning. He likes to have his dinner at exactly 8.30. Maybe he likes to play HQ at 9. Going down the corridor he said 'what a crowd' (thanks again) and 'I need a drink'. I did too!
Why so little footage on the housemates meeting and greeting each other? Did they run out of time? Did the house tour run too long? I don't get it. I know we'll see it tonight, but it's not the same.
Next in is Dan Osborne from TOWIE (I thought he was from Hollyoaks) who left a voicemail for his ex (who he left when she was pregnant for Lauren from Eastenders) threatening to put her in hospital if she got a new boyfriend. I listened to it and it's terrifying. And I'm told not to boo? It's my legal right to boo this motherfucker. Then the plot thickens as he and Ryan have both dated the same person, this Gabby from Love Island (coming up next).
Dan: 'Most people say things when they're angry.' Er, not that they don't. Just his smug face is already bugging me. He is an absolute cunt. He'll probably win. A vote for him is a vote for domestic violence as far as I'm concerned. Threats to kill a woman? No redemption story for him, thanks. Not on my watch.
Ryan and Dan will be friends. In fact I could see all these guys in so far being bros.
Next is Gabby Allen from Love Island. Do we have to put up with this Love Island detritus? Stay on your own show! We don't want you. She's whining about being cheated on. Well done, you're a human being. We've all been there. You're not relatable. Go away. Mind you, if that's the extent of the UK reality TV jetsam I can deal.
OMG her suit as well. Disgusting. She looked like a pearly queen. Emma immediately slut shaming 'that is a very pretty bra'. Stop. Gabby is a huge 'health and fitness fan'. Yuck. She looks like a knob, I can see why she was attracted to Dan.
Jermaine also eyeing her up like a piece of meat. Urgh, footballers.
I had to take my headphones out for the friends and family bit, I can't watch that again. Who cares what the Poundland Andrew Brady thinks!? It actually makes me angry that we're denied first night footage (essentially live feed) for this sub-BOTS bollocks. And I had several voicemails saying the same!
Emma looks like she's just going through the motions to me. I really wish Rylan was the main presenter. I want his BOTS enthusiasm and kindness to housemates on the main show.
Then Emma tells us Kirstie is interviewing everyone in there... but doesn't show us it. Great.
Next in is Hardeep Singh Kohli. I don't know who he is but sounds like he felt someone up. Let me investigate for one second. Oh, apparently he sexually harrassed a researcher. That's nice. Me too plus power dynamics. But he's a comedian! What if he's funny? We could have a new Jim Davidson on our hands, people. SIGH. 'It was a challenging time'. For her even more so, I'm sure.
He’s interested in people. Too interested, apparently. he says, 'The BB house is a commune' and 'It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never gone in the CBB house.' Good soundbites, it's a shame he's a creep (at the very least). Also wearing a kilt. Cultural appropriation? Oh no, he's Scottish, haha.
I like the fact he bored himself talking to Emma and then went 'blah, blah, blah.' Indeed.
As he went in someone asked him 'what’s your name?' And he said, ‘Whatever you want it to be.’ He's been practising that one, along with 'Hardeep is your love.' Apparently 'it's an honour' to meet drink driving footballer Jermaine. Isn't it great how all your sins get written off if you can kick a ball? Must be nice.
And if you thought he was trouble, you haven't met this full time DICKWAD from Married at First Sight yet. Ben Jardine. For my sins, I sat through the entire programme, and he never wanted to be married. I felt really sorry for her as she had feeling for him and he cheated on her AFTER A WEEK. He is the biggest magazine dealer on the planet and talks like a high pitched Danny Dyer without the wit. Yes, imagine that. Even his face is annoying.
He said his former 'wife' ‘kiss and telled on me’. So he's a moron, as well as a twat. I did enjoy, 'I’m not a love rat, I’m a love mouse’ though. His 'scared of living with 12 strangers instead of one’ line was good, what cue card did he read that off? I do like his shirt though. He feels 'judged' by Emma. It's OK, you're a man, you'll be alright. Ben 'Let's Carpe Diem this shit.' God, I hate him. Argh, his voice!
The show was kind of downhill from here (except for Natalie), with Roxanne from Emmerdale (me neither) who is a potential fencesitter, so I'm told. Apparently she had an argument with Jason Gardiner on This Morning cos he called her bland. That's not a good sign. I guess it's a good sign she argued against it.
She was in a car crash (so what?) and is engaged (zzz). I like her fringe. When she 'unravels' it's like 'Disney gone wrong.' Did some odd high kicks as she went in.
She appeared to have some dust/ cocaine on her boobs going down the stairs which she then licked off. That was quite amusing. Does she think there's no camera in that bit? She doesn't drink. I'm always suspicious of that, ha.
After that we got 'psychic' Sally (come back Derek Acorah) from whom we can expect ‘honesty fun and ghosts’. I like the fact she took her heels off to go down stairs. I liked her weight loss joke about being a medium. You ARE a liar, though. She says someone's about to walk! Let's see if that's true.
Now we have who should have gone in last, Natalie Munn. I didn't know the name, but I recognised her from marriage boot camp. We were stood behind her friends who made us vote for her for vice president. I wanted to vote for human Ken doll (HKD).
Natalie is a self proclaimed queen, who said 'If u don’t like it turn the channel' I like her crown and feathers. She's like a more messy Ika - and if we can get Natalie, why not Ika or Omarosa? Good TV is good TV, who cares how famous they are? She enjoys a Twitter beef and told Paris Hilton to 'eat her pussy.' She takes a shower and brushes her teeth in the morning, so that's good to know. 
Emma goes to her, ‘You know in Britain were more reserved.’ This is why I don’t like Emma - why say that to a messy housemate? We want the mess! Came out to Aretha Franklin which may have been a bit much for some tastes (RIP).
It's funny because I like the American scripted reality people, but I hate the UK scripted reality people!
Oh Paul Oakenfold remixed the theme tune. I still hate it. He must be about 60 now, ha.
And finally we get Nick Leeson (a dead ringer for James Whale - James Fail?) who made a bank collapse, losing 800 million quid. I vaguely remember the story from when I was a kid, but really WHO CARES? Chloe was kidnapped and put in a bag. This guy is dry as toast. His interview with Emma was PAINFUL. He has lots of stories to tell. Thankfully, they'll never make the edit. Fair enough, be notorious, but at least be INTERESTING! We were nearly falling asleep in the crowd so God knows how you felt at home.
We were crying out for Stormy at this point. Did this guy replace her? I'd love to know who was the late entry.
And then back to this dumb twist. The BB President (shout out) will have (Stormy's) private residence and can go in the garden. Great.
Then we got to vote on the app with zero information about what Kirstie actually found out about them, plus no footage of them, so the public just voted for arguably the most famous (in this country), Ryan. Well, that's going to make for a dull week.
And that was about that. Overall, I think it's a good mix of housemates. They might not be big names but there are people to hate without them being too annoying, and some quirky characters. There's not tons of deadwood. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Thanks again to Big Brother for the invite and check out our podcast on Sunday! Thanks for reading.

Celebrity Coach Trip

I've never watched this show before but I've been reliably informed it's good, even the civilian version, so what better place to start than this? THIS version has Trevor and Gal from Eastenders, Ben from Big Brother, Raef from the Apprentice. The Chuckle Brothers! Like the Mario Brothers after a hard life. I mean, what more do you want? Imogen from Big Brother? Well, not really. But Bianca Gascoigne? Yes. Ingrid Tarrant? She's no wallflower. She is a dick, though.
Brendon, the tour guide, seems like a 'card'.
So weird that the Chuckle Brothers are still doing kid's TV. I've never been on a coach where all the seats face each other, it's weird. They're in Prague! I don't really understand how a coach trip works. Coaches just remind me of going to festivals.
I wouldn't want to be stuck on a coach with Trev the wife beater. He looks quite friendly, though. But I remember.
They are ballet dancing. What is the POINT of this show? I don't understand. And where is Ben and Raef?! Ah, here they are. Ben's come in his school uniform. Raef looks nicely turned out.
Why is the road moving behind Gal but not behind Raef? Continuity. Hold on, Raef isn't wearing his seatbelt! LOL to Ben getting Ingrid confused with someone else.
Raef declared himself more famous than Trevor from Eastenders! Incorrect! Trevor terrorised a nation for years.
Now they're driving tanks. This is like no holiday I've ever had. Raef is worried about his blue suede shoes.
What are they voting people off on the basis of?! Don't vote Ben off! UGH. It's like Big Brother all over again. At least they get one more chance.
Trevor: you think he'd have learnt his lesson, but he's still an aggressive oik. Ben and Raef FTW. But what is the win? What do they win? What's the premise? I have no idea.
I can't work out if I like this show yet or not. I'll give it another bash tomorrow and find out.

Big Brother 11: Sexual harrassment

So, Sam. Can he keep up that act indefinitely, or is he just a mega knob? John James having to grit his teeth as Sam took the mick out of them on last night's show was amusing though. And we saw a new side of Andrew too; Andrew under pressure. Interesting. This lot really deserve what they get.
I think Sam is enjoying playing dress up. And I think they want him to fail this task.
I think Sam just sexually assaulted Josie. Can we throw him out now? I hope Big Brother tells him off. Oh, they did.
John James squirming when Sam was grilling him about the romance was interesting. I didn't like the way John James ducked and dived over that.
Sam didn't seem the slightest bit bothered that he has to wear fancy dress from now on. It feels to me like he's got aspergers or something; there's no levels to his personality. Something's not right.
Jo is being a bit unfair dragging Corin over the coals over JJ, when she has a girlfriend. She's already done enough damage on her own.
Messages from home! Tissues at the ready.
No message from Corin's girlfriend! Uh oh. Dave's wife message seemed utterly stilted. If my boyfriend left a message for me like that after 2 months, I'd assume he'd been off fucking half of London. Either that or she's just a cold fish.
Media coverage! John James won't like that. He's not in it for that! Except when he is. John's mum is glam.
Steve's kids are cute. His wife didn't seem very loving either. Maybe she's pissed off about Keeley.
Ah, it was nice when Rachel hugged Steve, she seemed genuinely compassionate.
I'm not sure I'd dare start the toothbrush war with Sam, you never know where he's going to put it.
BBB (bring back Ben!)

Big Brother 11: Change your taste in Ben

So did Laura let the cat out of the bag? Is Sam going in over Tubbs? Good, I want someone hateful to go in, not like all these other dullards.
That model has a nice bum. Why can't he be a housemate? I've never seen so many people in the bathroom all at once!
Davina in the house was quite funny. Better than when she went in in that ridiculous farmyard garb. Ooh, John James looks hot in that eyeliner! Davina licked his face and he RECOILED!
Ben is disgusted by new Tampax IN A PACKET! Never go to a festival, Ben. I can't work out if he's being sexist or just ignorant. Still, why do BB have to show that right now?! SOB (Save our Ben).
YES! Dave saying 'make-up is helping ugly women get laid for centuries'! That was the sound of a thousand phones being picked up.
This conversation between John and Andrew is cringeworthy! That was entirely for the benefit of the cameras as far as I'm concerned. He is playing that game!
Why is Gok Wan having his picture taken with Steve? *racist*
It makes me feel physically sick when Dave says he's got stuff bubbling up in his belly. It makes vomit bubble up in my throat.
I couldn't not cuddle my boyfriend if he was there. Was Dave's wife the blonde one? She looked a bit nice for him! That task is a headfuck.
Corin, 'you can never be too brown'. True, but you can be too orange.
How could people hate Ben!? He is the LOLS! Get that fat CUNT Dave out NOW!
JEDWARD! I saw Jedward on Live From Studio Five earlier, they were AMAZING. I also read an interview with them recently where they said the following: 'People only throw tantrums and storm out of rooms slamming the door BECAUSE THEY'VE SEEN IT IN A MOVIE.' Just stop to consider that for a second. Imagine if you learnt my entire emotional range from 80s films. They are quite special little things, aren't they (Jedward, not extra terrestrials).
I wish Mario would get a grip, he's unravelling in that place. Dear Mario, stop being such a DOUCHE. You were a hero once. You didn't talk to your granddad because you didn't NOTICE HIM!
Ben has got nuff makeup on! He looks 80s. OMG! DAVE IS SAFE OVER BEN! This is fucking bullshit! What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously, does Dave provide more entertainment in that house than Ben? I am DISGUSTED.
I am literally screaming at the TV. Dave is SCUM! Ben looks scared. I don't like anyone else in there!
It just feels like the end of Big Brother for me right now. My Big Brother heart feels broken. The show is ending this year and there's no one I love in there; Ben is the only one I cared about. I BLUBBED.
Why the fuck did John James get such a big cheer? I seriously want Andrew to win now. Fuck John James. FUCKING RACHEL IS IN THERE AND BEN'S NOT. ARGH!
What Ben brought to the table was panache, Davina.
Ben looks nervous. I hope they don't let the public abuse him. Don't crawl to Rachel, she's a complete tool.
My God, Ben got 52% of the vote. How is that possible?
Ben: 'my mum's in exile in Switzerland'. Oh, I will miss him. Idiot fucking public, I despise you. Cheers.
Sam Pepper! Please spice things up. A massacre would probably hit the spot. You could become my new favourite so very easily right now. Especially as apparently he upset Ife in the auditions. They should make him evict one housemate of his choice in front of them.
Can you imagine being in Jedward's backing band? I'd rather do that than be in Scouting for Girls. Or be anywhere near Joss Stone.
I think I love Jedward. They are not quite human, but they'd be good to play with.
Jedward are like mad imps trashing the place! Ooh Jedward got in trubs. LOL! Jedward just set the fire alarm off! Quality.
Jedward are shiny. Perhaps housemates shouldn't ignore the fire alarm. It might set a dangerous precedent.

Big Brother 11: Dear God Please Help Me (Get Dave Out)

Oh Laura! Didn't even say goodbye. She's worse than me leaving a nightclub. Half an hour later, no one has noticed she's gone. Did we even see them announce it!?
Why is Ben bothered about John and Josie being under the covers? 'He's a pig and she's a piglet!' That's love for you.
What is Corin playing at? I'd be mortified if my partner was leering over someone so explicitly in there.
That task (where they have to ignore weird things going on) is quite a good idea. They have NO HOPE of passing it.
That stripper postman is like a low level molester, following people around sticking his bum out.
Ben: task-failure enabler! Oh they get video messages if they pass. I hope we have a repeat of last year, when Bea wasn't impressed with the calibre of friend in her video message.
Josie should have said 'I love your crab eyes' to John James.
Has Mario not realised his granddad is sitting in the chair? LOL! 'My granddad is a world away from this'. Not!
How soon after did he twig?!
Oh, Rachel, leave off Ben. You're getting on my nerves.
Marcus Bentley going in was so post-modern, it was like the show was eating itself. It's like looking at a picture of someone looking in a mirror looking in a mirror. I reckon I would have recognised him! I bet he got a buzz from going in. I bet that's his dream come true. It's a head trip.
Marcus has got some comedy timing! Good on him.
OMG I would freak if someone wiped that pie in my face! Corin is a trouper.
Steve, I don't think saying 'ignore this, ignore this' counts as ignoring it. I liked the housemates saying the house was a shithole and playing ball over them! Funny. Andrew was particularly good.
Wow that task was actually really imaginative and funny. Well done, Big Brother. And I don't say that very often. (apart from all the outside people coming in, of course)
Oh God, Rachel and Mario ganging up on Ben is just boring. Rachel, you're NOT GOING OUT WITH HIM AND HE DID NOTHING. Shut the fuck up.
Ben is the favourite to go? On what planet could Ben be less popular than Dave? Not one I want to live on. Vote out that anti-abortion, women-hating, god-bothering fantasist NOW. Nooooooooooooow!

Big Brother 11: Wedding Mess

So Laura walked. Let's have a minute's silence, to mirror her time in the house.
OMG John James has told Josie he likes her! Well, so she says.
Josie's impression of that snog was way sexy. Didn't she force him to have that snog? 'When I kissed him my breath smelt like a portaloo.' Lush.
Josie is worrying about the cost of overseas phonecalls. I wouldn't smash the piggybank just yet.
That exercise Andrew and Dave are doing looks HARDCORE. Move over JJJJ. There's some new totty in town.
Big Brother seems keen to get rid of Laura! No John James treatment; calling people to the diary room begging her to stay. Just fack off, boring. Stop wasting everyone's time. What exactly can't she cope with? John James's accent?
Not interested in all the flim-flam when I know she's already gone; it's a dead storyline.
Steve looked shocked to be up. John James looked cool when he got nominated and did the peace sign whilst eating a banana.
I hope Ben wins save and replace! Not much chance though.
Steve looks a bit peeved. Dave is worried because he's up against the straight MEN of the house. Women don't concern him.
Task: interesting; who will Steve pick to go up instead of him? I knew he'd pick Andrew. I think he probably does feel bad about it. I guess Mario has got off lightly this week.
I don't think Andrew will go. Surely it's our chance to get rid of Dave?
Dave on Josie and John James snogging; 'it's like a frigging porno shoot'. How weird is he?
Josie seems to be being particularly needy today, and wandering round in a wedding dress isn't helping matters.
John is PLAYING this game! 'Tell Josie I got cheered if I go.' What a man! He's a hero.
John James's pet limpet is upset he might go. Shoulda caught that bouquet then, rat face.
Andrew pining over Josie. Aw. In another world. Who'd have thought Josie would be the femme fatale of the house?
Is Andrew drunk and letching at Josie? Oh dear.
PS: Jo as Eastenders character continued. I watched some live feed and she was going on about Ibiza. Enough said.

Big Brother 11: My whites are boiling over

Jo is whipping out the old 'I'm not being funny'. She's like a badly written Eastenders character. I know that doesn't narrow it down.
Is John James still giving it the 'brother/sister' nonsense?
Ben having a go at Josie trying to be sexy! Bad. Naughty Ben. I don't think John knew what he was saying; or he pretended not to.
I like Mario's multicoloured nails! I'm going to try that. Online game chat. It's all a bit IT crowd but without the lols.
Ah, Dave automatically up; the producers are obviously trying to get shot of him this week, and not before time. I don't think John James would get that punishment, do you?
NOMS! I'd love to see Rachel go this week. No wonder Andrew is scared of Steve; Steve could crush him with his thumb.
Corin is in Ben's pocket with that nomination for Rachel, methinks.
Perhaps John should have said to Ben what he said in the diary room about Ben. I wasn't even sure he'd understood it at the time. He should have stuck up for Josie to Ben's face.
Josie nominated Ben to clear the bed next to her and John James, basically.
Mario is really getting on my wick right now. The mole thing seems a long, long time ago.
Rachel just nominated the two biggest characters in the house. Dur.
Steve nommed John and Josie! He's probably worried they're getting more airtime than him.
Ooh, all males up this week! I really hope Dave goes. I'm glad Steve's up, that'll give him a little shock.
Big Brother, how about just not including 'inaudible' bits in the highlights? Or just make something up. Uh-oh, tantrum time again! ANGUISH! Oh, the agony. Just snog, idiots. I think John James is worried about what other people think. That's about it.
John James's heart to heart with his new BFF forever was so dumb. OMG did you check out his necklace? JJ2 is a failed boy band member, dressed by Cromwell's Madhouse.
JJ2 looked more bothered that John went walkies that Josie did. DON'T DO IT JOHN! HE'S NOT WORTH IT! Josie unphased: 'he'll be back in a minute'. LOL!
As if they'd let John James walk. He's our leading man.
JJ1: 'please understand!'
JJ2: 'I can't understand!' Moving stuff. Who are all these people in the runs? They look like ghostly figures; apparitions. There's strange people in Big Brother every day this week. I'd be concerned it's going to go all Dead Set.
John James tortured in a tunnel, crying. This is the stuff teenage girl's dreams are made of! Who needs R-Pattz?
Poor Josie. The pain is written all over her face. Make no mistake; John James is concerned with how this looks to the outside. I'm not saying his feelings for Josie aren't real; but his feelings for himself run stronger.
God, can you imagine these two in a real relationship? Bags would be packed and clothes thrown from windows on a daily basis.
John should back off from her if he's really not interested. And I already know they snog tomorrow. So it's clearly the most mixed signals ever. And Corin said those exact words as I wrote them.
Aliengate! Don't deny Roswell, Ben! I saw the film.
Pinnochio ought to try and carve out a role for themselves in the house that's not Littlejohn's bitch.
What is up with Mario? I think he's lost his mind. He comes in and stares Ben out. Poor Ben. He's right, Mario is being a total shit right now. I think he's realised he's not going to win it and become unhinged as a result.
Did John James just kiss Josie and then go 'don't say anything' like a child molester?
What's up with Laura? Did Mario's psycho act just push him over the edge? Corin gave good advice then. I think she'd be good to turn to in a crisis. She must have been through the mill herself, she's younger than me and she's been widowed and gone lesbian. I barely leave the house.
Oh, Laura, just walk already. Get Tubbs in! You're not adding one single thing. In fact, you're taking away, as on the last live feed I watched I had to listen to yours and Jo's inane conversation instead of seeing some red-hot John and Josie whispering. Oh...

Big Brother 11: If you want to live, get in the bedroom

Just spoke to my BF and she said 'I hate everyone in Big Brother. All of them.' 'What about Ben?' I asked. 'All of them.' she replied. 'But especially that new blonde one.'
I can't disagree, I am feeling everything from mild dislike to all out hatred for them too. We need a people's prince/ss.
Mario is BITTAH. I don't blame Ben for ditching Rachel. She's awful!
JJ wants to win anything, no matter what it is. World's biggest prick competition? Oh no, that's gone to old crab eyes. But at least he's handsome.
Rachel is coming off like a bunny boiler! There's less sexual chemistry between her and Ben than Ben and Dave.
24 task! Look at the tree's sparkly knobs! Fancy! Andrew is no Jack Bauer. Andrew enjoyed shouting at people! He likes swearing it up.
Dave pronounces tooth like we do at lightupvirginmary towers. TUTH! Andrew is good at this task. OMG this made me cry with laughter. Andrew is scary when he's angry! He's just freestyling the 'hands on your heads' stuff.
My respect for Andrew just went up a millionfold. 'That felt amazing!' LOL.
What is with Dave? Why is he stirring! It was clear what Ben said was a joke. Ben, why are you even bothering with Rachel? She's just a mouth unattached to a brain. Rachel, you're not his girlfriend. Is he not allowed to speak to a new person?
Dave saying Ben was 'on her like a cheap suit'. Gross.
JJ is NOT good looking. He looks like a confused chipmunk. Or 'like Toby Anstis infused with acorn DNA' ?! according to my boyfriend. He should write this shit, not me.
Rachel is so unendingly thick that if you gave her a book to read, she's probably try and eat it.
Andrew in the diary room! OUTSIDE PEOPLE! I give up. Do you think Andrew was enjoying that?! I think he needed a cold shower. Is he going to go jerk off?
Star jump tyranny! Andrew is a sadistic little fucker.
JJ and John James's 'friendship' is just a self-appreciation society. It's like wanking off in front of a mirror, like Jason from Nadia's year in BB admitted to once (vomit). It's tedious.
JJ: 'I didn't expect anyone to fancy me'. I'm not surprised with that munchkin mush.
Corin... don't you have a girlfriend? Naughty.

Big Brother 11: Dave Ja Vu

JJ has got his name on his back! Is that in case he forgets it? Vain, boring, dull. These new housemates are getting on my nerves. Jo strikes me as insincere and possibly controlling. Laura is just nothingy, just telling them things she shouldn't and being pointless. They are draining the house. We need BIG personalities. It's just more dead wood.
John James and JJ's love-in is even duller than the one with Josie. Josie even seems jealous of THAT! Get a grip, love.
OMG JJ has been telling John James about his 'fans'! I hate this new housemate bullshit. I HATE it! They ruin the new dynamics of the house.
Ben being put out because he's not seem as a 'hunk' in the house. Come on, Ben, you're many things but you're not a hunk, I'm afraid. Mind you, nor's Pinnochio.
I hate all this macho bullshit. No one wanted to arm-wrestle when Ben wanted to.
Josie picking a bogie out of John James's nose! He didn't bat an eyelid! Andrew did though. I personally keep my finger out of other people's noses, no matter how much I fancy them.
Laura, you've been called in five times because you can't keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch. Seriously, I'm pissed off with these new housemates.
This Dave ja vu task reminds me of my best friend in two ways. 1. She always laughs at the channel called Dave Ja Vu. 2. If I see her twice in a week, she'll tell me the same story both times. She's got the memory span of a gnat.
Mario is bitter because he wants a special little friend! Steve is bitter because he's lost his special little friend.
JJ trying to convince himself he likes Josie because John James does. Pathetic. Stop kissing arse. You wouldn't speak to Josie in a million years normally because you're deluded you're some kind of hot stuff and not just a shop mannequin (barely) come to life. He's just nothing on a stick.
Sweetie party! Mario is hiding in the toilet, waiting for someone to notice.
Steve is pissed off with the new housemates coming into HIS house. I'm sure I'd feel exactly the same. Rachel, Steve and Mario are so wrapped up in their own misery they can't really comfort each other.
Time for some double evictions!

Big Brother 11: Showmancing the stone

If Ben and Rachel had a row last night, why didn't they show it? Too busy crawling up Andrew Stone's arse. Boo.
What different ways does Ben shower? With the watering can in the garden. Ben is under pressure tonight. I don't like it when they all have a pop at him.
Steve is pining for Keeley! That romance is OVER. OVER.
Rachel is being a right uppity bitch lately. Don't give Ben back-chat. Just let him take your bed and suck it up. I'm glad she got a wake up call when loads of the new housemates said she was annoying on those clips. Oh, and put your top on.
Shame Keeley's gone in a way as she exposed something in Steve, but she would have been out anyway this week. Needless to say, Steve's glass eye has been packed away.
John James/ Josie love-in. I don't get why they always say he doesn't fancy her, he clearly does. They are quite co-dependant. I reckon they'll probably snog within the next five days.
Look at Steve stroking Rachel's neck! It's very intimate. There's no physical barriers in that house, it's peculiar. Everyone is fair game for a bit of a frink.
Why do we have to sit through that 'performance' twice? I think my boyfriend put it best when he said 'they rehearsed that?'
WHY DIDNT JOEL GET IN??? JJ is useless, he's just a pointy little shrew. He started talking about football on the live feed as soon as he got in there. Tubbs would have been loads better. Democracy fail.
Poor Laura having to introduce herself with 'I'm so sorry'. Whoops. She reminds me of Shell from yesteryear. I fear Ben may still be lacking intellectual conversation as it's just more idiot holes.
Dave, lay off that champagne, save yourself for the Lord. Why are Ben and Dave crawling up Rachel's arse? She's higher up the pecking order than any new housemates anyway. They should fear her if anything.
Dave is being especially creepy tonight.
Mario saying JJ is beautiful. He was clearly left too long sitting in front of Pinnochio as a child. If you tap him on the head it would probably echo.
Laura is getting on my nerves already and Jo doesn't want to argue with anyone. What's the point?
Yeah John James doesn't fancy Josie, that's why he's put his football shirt on. Come on now, what do you want, a written invitation? JUST SNOG ALREADY.
The term 'cougar' is sexist bullshit. No wonder Dave keeps saying it.
WTF Laura comes in that house and says 'John James goes to the diary room saying this...' SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT, FFS. This new housemate stuff is bullshit, they can't keep their fucking traps shut.
I think Jo wants to be John James's bride, not Josie!
Aw to the 'I love you's. I'm a sucker for a showmance.

Big Brother 11: Hurty Dancing

Keeley not going back in? Weird! My only guess is she's seen the papers, seen she's been 'lovematched' with Steve and run as far away as possible. And who can blame her? They're not even going to interview her, are they?!
Not more of this Pineapple bullshit. Sink the fucker and give Spongebob a holiday home!
Could doing a bit of dancing be Steve's biggest challenge? No I'd say that was probably LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN WITH NO LEGS, you insensitive cunt.
Mario is being a whiny little bitch this week. I'm fed up with this task. It's got fuck all to do with reality, housemate interaction, or anything that Big Brother is all about. IT'S BULLSHIT.
I thought it was odd John James was saying something positive and it turned out it was just the start of the music video! The video was quite funny actually, as long as Ben was in shot anyway. Ben is a LEGEND. A real one, not like Raoul Moat. Josie looked cute. Rachel gets on my nerves, she's so relentlessly chirpy.
Ben does sound a bit like Simon Cowell.
Andrew Stone you have been evicted. PLEASE leave the Big Brother house. Please.
Dave is being a total dick this week. Burn him!
I think Josie is being a bit unfair flirting with Andrew, especially when she fancies John James so much, and Andrew is so clearly a virgin.
Three new housemates! They are getting desperate. I wouldn't trust that house to pick an outfit, let alone three people to entertain me.
Why are they bothering with this Keever interview? You walked. You don't deserve the Davina treatment. What is she wearing? A leotard and a shawl? Davina looks haggard. Eat a sandwich, you look like Skeletor.
I want the housemates to get a good booing when they come out those doors, nothing else. Oh dear, this is a car crash. Should have gone for John James and Josie instead. IS CORIN BUZZING? ARE YOU LOVING IT? Andrew looks like he's been put through a washing machine. He's pallid!
What's a USP? Not a good start. God, they look like a right rag-tag brood.
Jo seemed quite nice. Josie won't let her in. JJ looks like a puppet with a scunt on. Megan seemed quite nice. Joel: not so sexy. Laura is bubbly. She looks skinny to me. I like Sam! More geeks please. Don't think he'll get in though.
Tension! John James seems to have just picked whoever he wanted! I think I would have picked the other three exactly.
They should have picked the big black guy, I reckon. They definitely picked the wrong blonde girl. Steve had the deciding say! There's going to be trouble. Cue much thumb-sucking. It feels like we're back to square one!

Big Brother 11: Take me to the hospital

Some thoughts from last night too as I was out dahn the pub like some sort of normal person. I don't buy Keeley's sowwweee act for a minute. Josie made herself look cheap by not saying goodbye to Keever. Keever was cool whilst leaving. At least she said goodbye, which is more than Shabby did. John James crying over it must have stuck in Josie's craw. Don't cry, crab eyes. Put your little pincer in mine, I'll make it alright. Josie's counselling skills were poor. My friend still wants Josie to win! WHY??? She's hopeless!
Rachel's 'romance' doesn't right true since she nominated Ben, therefore she's not interesting again. Another utterly pointless person in there.
I don't care who goes out of Rachel, Corin or Keeley. The newbies didn't take it in very good spirit.
Spider scamper task! Rachel's still going! Mean. I've seen a new side to her today (well, yesterday). She's not upset about her friend being hurt. She's upset because she's unpopular.
How can Keeley put John James up now he's helped her to the diary room after her itty bitty accident? Hehe. John James is a legend.
Oh, it's have a go at Ben time. Blah. John's been spoiling for an argument since Keever left.
Oh Steve and Keeley's emotional farewell, it's like Romeo and Juliet. Hurting your ankle is a bugger, though.
WHY ARE THEY GIVING ANDREW HIS EXAM RESULTS? He's in the Big Brother house, he's not meant to have contact with the outside world. Oh, I give up. What's Andrew studying anyway?
It's got to the point where I don't even care if John and Josie have a snog now. They are dead to me! Why is he extracting that information from her in such great detail and then saying he doesn't fancy her? He's created that situation from start to finish. His threats to leave are about as genuine as his hair colour.
NEXT show. Sorry, those 'few notes from yesterday' got a bit out of hand.
Argh, Glee. I can't stand musical theatre, singing, dancing, musicals, Pineapple Dance Studios or any of that bullshit. The only glee I like is 'all manner of it' in Meds by Placebo.
Couldn't they even have afforded Louis Spence? This whole Glee/ Don't Stop Believing link up makes me even more suspicious that channel Five is going to buy Big Brother. They are always pushing Big Brother on Live from Studio Five too.
Andrew Stone: even less famous than H from Steps, who was essentially just a stepladder for Donny Tourette (I know, who?)
Mario vs Ben: Mario is so pompous sometimes! Why is Dave shit-stirring? Zzzz.
Eek this singing is rough.
John James sounded like Jason Donovan compared to the others.
We have got our EYE on Steve in the Big Brother house and he's not got his eye in whilst Keeley's not there. Bet it's back in once she hobbles back. Fact. He could carry a note more than some of the others though.
Ben, try smiling when they announce evictions have been cancelled, it might help you out next week. It's a shame it got cancelled on the one week when I would have been happy to see all of them go.
I don't want Big Brother to force Josie and John James to get it on for some Glee rubbish. It's stupid. Even Mario thinks so. Ha, bet they're gutted Steve got picked instead.
My boyfriend just called Andre out as being Tamwar from Eastenders. It's so true!
I'm glad I wrote a blog yesterday as there's fuck all to write about tonight; it's all 100% flim-flam.
If that's John James not leading Josie on, I'd hate to see him giving her the cold shoulder. A girl would be called a prick-tease. John is just John being John! Grr.
Imagine living with someone that long and not even knowing they had a dead husband. Weird.
Dave is about as popular as herpes. Quite popular, yet still very unwelcome.
ARGH STOP SINGING.
Tamwar is mad for Josie! Only because she's more likely to get off with him than Keever was. He's quoting journals; long-distance relationships don't work. Ouch.
I bet Steve is so happy to be patronised by some twat off of Sky. I liked Andwar ripping into him.
Two BBs in one day is punishment! Give me the respect I d-e-s-e-r-v-e.

Big Brother 11: Night Keever

So Keever's left. And Josie's kingdom has crumbled to dust. I'm sad Keever's gone. Surely Josie's chances of winning left with her?
I'm just imaging Ben in the army. Ace.
Josie has gone so far down in my estimation it's untrue. She was no match for Keever's effortless sexiness. I was watching a bunch of live feed today, and Keever just looks naughty ALL THE TIME! She's just smirking, basically. It would probably have driven me mad, too.
Andrew nominating one of his own newbies?! Boo hiss! Corin nominating Keever. Every day IS a drag when you're cool! It's the antithesis of buzzing. Nominating Rachel because she's her competition, I reckon.
Dave being put in a compromising position by Keever. In your dreams, dude. Sexist cunt.
Keeley is right; John James should smile more. I don't mind Keeley. At least she provokes.
Josie: Keever can jump on anyone she likes with nothing on. You can't stop her.
OK I take back what I said about Keeley. Why should Keever 'take Dave into consideration' before she has a laugh? She didn't even get her boobs out! Remember Bex, Makosi, that plastic Irish idiot? Remember Kinga? They could have shown Dave a thing or two.
Glad Mario nommed Josie.
What! Rachel is nominating Ben? I thought she fancied him! Bedgate. Just share, it'd be easier.
Rachel got quite a lot of nominations. Notice Steve didn't nominate Keeley. His wife must be fuming. Have we got to put up with another week of Dave now? Fuck me.
Rachel: 'it's women's fault men cheat'. Oh God.
John James, I don't think Keeley is interested in talking to you, so no worries, mate. That house is so full of sexists now, it makes me sick.
I wondered why Keever was wearing a badge with 'winner' on it on the live feed. Tight off! Josie and Andrew aren't similarly sized! My boyfriend just said 'Corin looks like she's been hit with a poker in the face'.
What a punishment for John and Josie! Touching each other up! Cheap. And it encourages bad behaviour.
LOL to Keeley calling Steve up for always being the referee or adjudicator in tasks! Next she'll be taking the mick out of his metal leg. And calling John 'Captain Drama' is good.
Dave calls Keever 'the daughter of darkness'. Cool. Josie, stop being so desperate. It's tragic. People are allowed to flirt.
I don't blame Keever for choosing love over the Big Brother house. Love is better. Big Brother should have just told her that her boyfriend was happy for her to stay, they virtually trapped John James in there.
How Dave can justify getting naked in there after the way he spoke about Keever is a mind-boggling hypocrisy that only a Christian could get away with.
I hate them geeing Josie up at the detriment of Keever.
Is the Lord's sign for Keever the spray-tanned cross on Dave's bloated body? You look like a fucking hot-cross bun with a willy.
Keever wasn't even slagging off Steve! Keeley is a knob. She wasn't even slagging anyone off. Keeley was earwigging in that conversation. ARGH. How annoying Keever has left now.
For personal dignity; try not going in the Big Brother house.

Big Brother 11: The opposite of buzzing

Oh God. It's like Groundhog Day in that house. It's all jealousy, possessiveness, creepiness and threats to leave. There's not even any romance. Not really.
Did Keever just say she needs to do a nervous shit? Goodness me. Is she yacking? Oh dear. I cant work out of she's really embarrassed or just faking it.
Is that really STEVE PASSING JUDGEMENT on people's conduct in that house? That is really rich.
I get the impression Keever AND Josie are both loving this. Much more than us viewers anyway. I wish we had someone to really champion this year. I feel like I can't be doing with any of 'em.
This mic switching off thing is bullshit. Can't they get someone to lipread it? Come on, for fuck's sake. It's just the same old shit anyway. John James brain-cam; nope, nothing going on in there, no matter how close you get.
I don't care what John James says; he loves it too. He is lapping it up.
Rachel imaging Ben on a grand piano! LOL! I'm not sure he fancies her, but he might get desperate enough in there. I reckon he'd get off with her just to be polite.
I really like Keever's hair right now. I want to look like a boy in an 80s band, too.
Mario's t-shirt is nice with the butterflies on.
Oh, Josie. Why SHOULDN'T John James like you? You're both totally psycho. Sounds like a match made in heaven. You'll never get a bloke with that attitude. Actually, you're worth a lot more than him, nice teeth or not.
Ah. Keeley's backing off now Steve's been sniffing her pillow! But she was in the diary room with him going 'we're Posh and Becks'. Keeley's been out with a footballer... how tedious. Is Steve going to nominate Keeley tomorrow? Bet he does. Yeah, that's fool the wife.
Food fight... always ends in a ruck. I love the fact everyone is in party dresses and Josie is in a rank old man's dressing gown. John James's dancing was funny.
Keever looks hot tonight. Josie must be seething. Love Ben and Rachel's paralytic cuddling.
Josie is not whiter than white to be calling Keever cruel. I've heard Josie slag off most people in that house, and she was pretty cruel to John James when he was threatening to leave.
Dur, you're not allowed to say you want to be nominated! Josie should stop slagging Keever, it's just driving her into John James's arms. Keever is getting off on it. Keever is a man/ woman eater. She takes no prisoners. I'd be scared of her around MY boyfriend!

Big Brother 11: The ocean of hypocrisy

First blog I missed last night! Sowwee. I was in not fit state. I thought John James was on fire last night; he stuck it to absolutely everyone. I think he definitely does fancy Josie; his face lit up when that parrot said Josie fancied him. Why didn't they make the parrot repeat when Steve said about Keeley being poison? I didn't like Keeley having a pop at John James either, he's providing more entertainment than her and her creepy showmance.
DAVE IS A HYPOCRITE! He was laughing his head off when Mario stripped (again) and got his gigantic balls out (allegedly, we've still not seen them). SOMEONE CALL HIM OUT! I hate him so much. Keever should have sent him packing last week. So much for love for everyone. Everyone except women.
Josie Lee Collins is being an absolute arsehole. YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT WITH JOHN JAMES! He is NOT YOUR PROPERTY. I like the fact Keever is putting the cat amongst the pigeons. I'm tired of the bullshit; get it on or fuck off. It's tiresome.
Keever: 'let's get our tits out tonight!' Have you noticed how since Keeley entered the house, Steve has started wearing his glass eye. Just saying.
Josie is starting to do a Michelle Bass. She really needs to reign herself in before she goes gaga. She is making an absolute tool of herself.
Josie, I hope Keever pisses in your ocean, you bitter old shrew. Why not try getting off with John James rather than arguing with him every day? I have mainly been on her side up to now, but she has lost it today. She has lost all sense of perspective.
What is Steve on about oceans, too? I think there's been an oil slick in that ocean. I'm sure his wife will be delighted to know he feels jealous over someone he called poison and who's been in the house about ten minutes.
Andrew was brave to stand up to John James about the hat issue. Josie is pushing Keever and John closer together with her loopy behaviour.
Why is Steve crying? Is it because he's pissing his marriage up the wall? STOP DOING IT THEN.
Aw, Ben is so cute. I wish he could win it. He might not be a 'team player' but he's actually much more decent than all of them put together. He gets a really hard time. Shirley Bassey though? Just come out of that closet, Ben.
I had to fast forward Corin's singing but I think Ben's face said it all. Did they really just spend three minutes on that? Misjudged.
OMG did Rachel just say she was attracted to Ben?! Ha, and then Mario flounced off! That house is so full of creepiness and jealousy at the moment that it could combust at any minute. I'd love to see Ben and Rachel get it on, it would be hilarious.
John James is lying, he DOES fancy Josie now, he just doesn't want to admit it. Drop the brother and sister thing. I don't go on like that with my brother. It would be SICK. Sick!

Big Brother 11: It should have been me!

Bit drunk tonight so blog results may vary. Also have friends round so they have a responsibility to help!
Is this cougar thing still ongoing? WHY IS DAVE STILL IN THERE? My friends are giving me NOTHING!
I wish I could fly... right up to the sky, but I can't (you can) I can't.
These highlights are shit.. it's not my fault.. it's this superheroes shit. I never liked The Incredibles either. Or the Dark Knight. But these special effects are better than Twilight.
Shopping list! Is this a highlight? Keeley looks sour. She must need some moisturiser or something. Beef cubes! Yum yum.
I like Josie's excessive use of the word 'cunt'. Keever seems like she's a third wheel in the Josie/John James saga. It's like Twilight, but uglier. That's my second mention of Twilight.
Andrew and Keeley taking the mick out of Corin! Hehe. Surely Ife's gonna go though? Right?
Andrew telling John James to back off was funny!
2nd show. I don't think this is going to get any better, I'm afraid. Worse, if anything.
I never knew Mario was so into designer clothes; he looks like he's dressed straight outta Primark. That parrot thing looks good.
Psychologeeeeeee! Look at Judi James's teeth, dude. Give her Polo.
Bye Ife. I'm not sorry. See ya later. Keever looks nice in her gold vest.
I don't like her 'straight-outta-Holloway' outfit.
Ahh they're showing the person their best bits now! The producers DO read my blog.
I don't like Ife's blue eyeshadow. Is she blubbing? See, showing them the best bits is good. She looks a bit boss-eyed. I think it's the eyelashes.
Do you think they've cut the end section where people call in? I hope so.
I'm glad she came out bald. I don't like her wigs.
Haha, I like this caller sticking it to Ife. She is a dullard.
Treedom! Josie's hair looks nice. No one in invested in getting Ben's suitcase back! Fuck him. I want a Ben wig. John James looks good in it. Ben: 'you all look very nice'. I like it when he puts mascara on! Ben FTW.
Apologies for this blog, I haven't just let you down, I've let my country down.

Big Brother 11: I can't bear Bisto

Sorry I'm late, I went to writing group tonight, and now I'm using those skills right here. Aren't you lucky? Corin's waist is TINY! None of them know what cougar is a euphemism for. I don't think Josie is much bigger than a 14, she's just pear-shaped. Dave is idiotic to say that to her. I don't think he said it with malice but he should know better.
Keever, why DIDN'T you put Dave up? Epic fail.
Who is the cougar? Davina, I reckon.
Corin's outfit makes me ashamed to be female. Superhero? Super sexist, more like. This task is perverse. I liked her stopping to put lipstick on. 'I don't give a shit if my eyebrows wipe off' as she snogs an ice-sculpture's waist.
Did Josie just say 'what's the matter with you, cunts?' I certainly hope so. They shouldn't put this dangerous shit into Josie's head about John James fancying her. It can only end in tears.
Since when did Corin like Ben?! I feel like I've missed something.
Love the fact Ben gets out first. He is so camp in those tiger pants.
Keeley HAS got a good arse. Wow. Four foot eleven! That's smaller than me. Loved Josie's comment of 'I wish she'd bugger off'. Funny! I'd like to drive that little blue car.
Mario: 'I'd better get back to my hos!' He needs to jerk off, for real. He's getting out of control. He'll be straight within the week.
Ife is such a shit stirrer. She is the one who pushed Shabby into telling Keever, and started that shit snowball. She's like Cilla Black gone wrong.
Alloy vera! That's what Desperate Dan uses for face cream.
Oh god, this whole Josie thing makes me feel terrified. She's going to get so hurt. The second she confesses she fancies him, he holds all the cards, and she loses her appeal. It's going to end up in a bloodbath.
Rachel looks quite good in that purple wig.
Urgh, that food looks like vomit.
As predicted, Ife sticks her claw in. Oh God, now Keever's going to tell him. John James isn't saying no! His crab eyes are on overtime.
Look at John James's bling! DOES he fancy her? Maybe it's one of those situations where he doesn't want to admit it because he's embarrassed to admit it in front of his friends. He could easily have shut that conversation down, but he prolonged it! Curiouser and curiouser...

Big Brother 11: Miffy Ife

That's weird they started the show with night time stuff. Steve is just showing off in front of his new girlfriend.
Ben is NOT a morning person. I don't like Dave and Keever's new-found friendship, it's sinister.
If Keeley is pocket poison, then Steve is a rat lapping that shit up.
Ife is not going to participate in the save and replace! Good. We can vote her out this week then.
Ben needs his beauty sleep! I reckon he needs at least ten hours.
What the FUCK is going on with Steve and Keeley? If I was his wife, I'd be worried. I feel like we've missed something. My boyfriend thinks they know each other. I'm glad she's brought out that side of him as he was doing less than fuck all before.
What's Corin come as; Michael Jackson? My boyfriend said she looks like she's decaying. I like Keever's hair today, she looks like a boy dressed up for a job interview. She's a feisty one!
I hope Keever saves herself! Shoot Ife! Shoot her dead. Or in the eye. Yay, she won! Love it.
Mario's up, so Ife's a goner. Can't believe Keever didn't put Dave up. That was a golden opportunity to get him out.
Ife must know she's fucked now. Mario's alright about it! He's all good. Honest. If she wanted to put up someone who was definitely safe, why didn't she choose Steve? Ah, Ife just said the exact same thing.
I like seeing the Nathan/ Ife/ Corin trilogy crumbling. It could EASILY have gone the other way. This show would be a disaster without Ben.
What is John James on about; I've never even seen him talk to Corin!
Mario is so desperate now I think he'd get off with Andrew given the chance. Aw, bless Andrew's never kissed a girl.
Mario you are not Big Brother! Stop setting secret missions. He is getting off on this. It's untoward.
You could just do anything in that house and pretend it's a secret task, just call everyone cunts and blame Big Brother.
John James not happy about Josie and Keever threatening to kiss! Who'd have thought it?
What is John James problem with Ben right now? He's mega grumpy.
Well, it's confirmed. Steve is a perv. So is my boyfriend who said 'don't you think Ben had a big packet?' !!!
Rachel looks creeped out. Steve is protesting too much! So are him and Keeley going to get off with each other or what? Blergh!

Big Brother 11: Chemical Cloche

Why is Steve mauling that young woman? He was lying on her yesterday, too. She must be delighted.
That Come Dine with Me dude seems even more irritating than usual! This first fifteen minutes have been boring as fuck. Can someone knock up some Krabby Patties, in that kitchen. If Big Brother had a brain, they'd make them cook some crab (eyes optional) and make them all walk sideways for the day.
Ooh Steve is bearing his teeth a bit! He's going to squash that pocket rocket by cuddling her to death.
Nominations (thank god). I'm glad the new housemates can't nominate! Ben: nominating Ife for a lack of humour is spot on. And he's nominating the war hero! For not being a team player... by snoring! He's not doing it deliberately.
Yay another nomination for Ife. Ife does like the sound of her own boring voice. The more Irish Keever comes, the more I like her.
Ooh, Keever's gold glittery hoodie is nice. I like her when she's being all cool and bitchy. Corin saying Keever didn't think about her decision to put Nathan up; I wouldn't have thought it required much thought. Idiot monkey face who pushed Shabby into leaving; done deal.
Dave is scared of Ife! It's probably because she's black. And Corin for a side of her he's not seen yet. Uh? Surely Keever would be the obvious choice for him.
Oh, Ife. I think a good rim job might do you good, love. BTW, stop nominating Ben.
Can't believe everyone's nominating Ife, I thought she'd slip under the radar for weeks. I like the way voting is going right now. Getting Nathan our was instrumental in this.
I'm surprised Josie and John James didn't get more nominations. Mario lays the blame squarely at Josie's feet (because he fancies John James).
Keeley is bringing out a new side of Steve; Steve under pressure, being nudged off his perch a bit. It reminds me of Vinnie Jones a bit; the confident daddy getting his feathers ruffled. But he also seems to have a soft spot for her; it's odd (but at least he's doing something interesting at last).
If you've never seen Come Dine With Me, you must think this part is really weird. It's really rubbish, either way.
Mario is so pious lately, I can see why he's getting on with Ife right now. He's giving it the whole 'I'm 28...' bullshit too. Mario doesn't know himself, in my opinion, he seems lost to me. Poor Andrew. You will feel joy in the Big Brother house... somehow.
First Steve starts crab-eye gate, and now he says Keeley has 'toad-like feet'. I hate to say pot kettle black but pot kettle black. Then he slapped her on the arse! WTF. Gross. I guess this is what new housemates are for; bringing out things in the old housemates you didn't expect.
Mario is so creepy. It's a shame as he's sexy and quite lovely (if a little boring) but he could sexualise a rotting corpse. I know they've been in there a while, but crikey.
Steve is like a dirty old man all of a sudden. It's gross. Let's see if Keeley likes that banter when it's him slobbering all over her in the night.
I hate to say it but I missed all the crab talk tonight. Pleased with the nominations though. Vote Ife.

Big Brother 11: Crabby Creek

Crab eyes! If I hear the words 'crab eyes' one more time I'm going to slice John James into crab sticks. Not that crab sticks have crab in them. What sort of insult is crab eyes anyway? It makes no sense. It's like something a five-year-old would say.
Aw, Andrew has a crush on Josie. Josie is the femme fatale in that house. Who'd have thought it? Andrew, they only like you because you're new, they're not actually going to get off with you.
Crab eyes count: 8
Josie is being HARD! I can't freeze people out like that, I just give up and go 'oh alright then' after ten minutes. I don't blame her though. It's hard because they're BOTH in the wrong in some ways. I know something; I don't want to hear about it all show.
Andrew shouldn't be able to talk about what the others look like on TV! I don't like it. The new housemates have unsettled her and now she's got the hump.
Oh Josie LEAVE IT OUT. You wouldn't let it lie. She's getting worse than John James for harping on about the same fucking thing. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets a few nominations after this, she's being an absolute tool.
John James bawling in the diary room! He's going to make her PAY for this shit. Do you know what, maybe he'll learn his lesson this time.
God gave Dave his virginity back. It's literally a miracle that more than one woman slept with him.
Josie is acting like Kevin the teenager. I can see why she's got her hood up. It's pathetic everyone intervening. I'd like to bang both their heads together.
I don't like hearing girls use the word pussy pejoratively, it makes me feel ashamed to be female.
John's packing up his old kit bag and checking the camera is watching. Just like when my boyfriend has a row with me and buggers off. Except he can't anymore. Cos he lives here! LOL.
Mario: 'you're not going are you?' as John James packs his bags. I like the way Mario uses everyone's vulnerability as an excuse for a quick perv. Bright Eyes wrote a song about this very conversation that said: 'Always so eager to pack my bags... when I really want to stay.' John is crying because he's lost his power over Josie. I like seeing a grown man cry. It's sexy.
Never has a truer word been spoken than Ben saying, 'John James can give it out but can't take it.'
John James manipulating Josie from the diary room! And she KNOWS it!
Josie is dealing with this situation SO badly. You can't laugh at John James, he will stab you in your sleep. Or pincer you.
Why can't she just back down and give him a fucking cuddle?
Big Brother is manipulating this situation quite well, making them have a giggle in the diary room. It's like they are the mummy tricking them into liking each other again.
Oh they're arguing again. Josie doesn't seem bothered if he goes. I reckon she'll nominate him tomorrow. I'd like to see a John James/ Josie head-to-head. I reckon old crab eyes would have it. Josie is showing a very unpleasant side to her personality. And the thing that tipped her over the edge was that chin comment. Girls do not like having their chins commented on! Believe me, I know.
NB to John James: a really good way to make people call you crab eyes for the rest of your life is to throw a tantrum about it that lasts 48 hours. I'm making my crab eyes banner as we speak.