There's something about Josie: If you can't hack it, get your jacket

Quick, pass the heroin. It's time to delve my foot into the murky pool of 'one of Britain's best loved celebrity couples.' Yeah, I love Josie and Crab Eyes marginally more than Wayne and Coleen Rooney, but slightly less than that thing off TOWIE and Jack Tweed's less articulate friend (I've never seen TOWIE so this may or may not be accurate).
Josie is designing clothes for overweight people. I hope it's not more of those horrendously unflattering maxi dresses she always wears.
BORING. Bring on the c-words!
Ah, here we go. Crabby is packing up a suitcase full of pleather jackets and guyliner. Josie should go back to Bristol and be happy. They'll find her hanging from the rafters of that disgusting flat if she carries on like this.
John James is doing a whole 'poor me' act, skulking in the corner behind a cardboard box. I always thought John James's highlights were gross. But his brown hair is even worse.
Ah, the infamous OK splitting up interview. I read the whole thing in Sainsburys (fuck you, OK, I'm not paying for your made up headlines!) and it was pure car crash, so can't wait to see it on TV, too. Imagine breaking up with not just a journalist in the room, but a TV crew as well. Shouldn't some things be done privately? I wonder what John 'I'm getting angry now!' James would have thought of a couple who did that sort of thing when he was ensconced in the BB house. Well, I've got an idea. I'd like to strangle him with that Topman scarf, cobber.
Ooh, The Decks got a mention! They should stay together for the sake of those decks. Think of the children!
Josie's hair looked nice when they were out for dinner. John James might as well have already been in Oz for the attention he gave her.
JJ! Can you fuck off out of Josie's house now, you fucking leech?
I hate the way John James is leaving just to punish her. It's really cruel. Does he take one bit of responsibility for the way he's treated her? Just admit you DON'T LOVE HER. Show her that bit of decency. He looks like such a knob in that hat, an' all.
Him saying 'you can't just walk away' in the airport is a bit rich when he's getting on a plane to Australia. This is actually quite upsetting. I guess she never saw him again after that. He shouldn't have done that to her; it's a cowardly way to dump someone.
The way he goes on reminds me a lot of someone I used to go out with, and those kind of mind games can really break you. Josie might shout a bit but she's pretty straight up. What you see is what you get (cliche intended).
Even that house Josie went to look at in Bristol was gross. I hate new build houses, they're like giant council houses. Aw I feel sorry for her planning for him to come back when he had no intention of doing that. Well, even if he had come back, they'd have just argued their way through those grotesque overgrown council houses.
Ugh this had gone really boring again now Crabby's gone.
Josie's mum seemed drunk. Why is John James wearing Josie's necklace?! Re. her mum's advice: fuck me, I'd rather be John James's emotional punchbag than go out with Olly Murs.
Her hair looked better when it was straight, before he curled it. Tongs should be banned. Why do they always style Josie with her arms out?! I've got fat arms and guess what, I don't get them out. You can cover yourself up and look really good. I'm the master of covering up my bad bits lately, cos there's so many of them! I suppose it's good she's not bothered, but I just think she could look really good with the right help. I feel like they're setting her up to look a bit stupid at times. Like 'well you're not anorexic so we're going to make you look a frump'. Put her in a baggy top and some skinny jeans and she'd look cool.
I liked Josie's attitude in the interviews afterwards, she seemed pretty strong. I think Josie is a good example to women to lose controlling boyfriends and get on with your life. It's just most of us don't have another continent to send them to.
So is that the end of the series? If not, it should be! I can't do these celeb reality shows. I need strangers. I need vetos. I need live feed.
PS. Don't ever put JJ on my screen again, please. Stick him back down the obscurity pipe.
PPS. She sold his decks on ebay. LOL!

There's something about Josie: 'I don't even know what a gastric band is'

I'm already despairing about having to watch another episode of this, I'm not even slightly in the mood for John James's BS. And why are the credits so gaudy? It's like looking at an copy of Real People magazine.
I just fast forwards through the boxing bit. I think I'd rather watch that boxing claptrap in Eastenders. This modelling thing is dull as fuck, too. God, I think I'd be better off watching Kerry Katona. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH THIS?
Ah, the Josie and John James dress up as Peter and Jordan OK magazine photoshoot. I actually bought that one. I wonder why she doesn't want to play dress up. I seem to recall some angry little man in the Big Brother house calling someone a whore for the mere idea of appearing in a magazine shoot. WEIRD. I wonder why Josie is so upset about dressing up as a couple who have split up. Because she knows their relationship is doomed, obviously.
Josie is being a diva. Even John James is being more reasonable than her. It's like the magazine editors are taking the piss out of them. The whole show just feels sneery. I know they're asking for it. I know they're getting paid for it. But it's still just unpleasant to watch.
Ugh the way they are talking to each other is disgusting. If you're calling each other names and shouting at each other, it's not a relationship. Sure everyone argues, but you still have to have respect for your partner. They have none.
Ah now they're arguing about the 'he forced me to have an abortion' magazine cover. I can see why crabby is annoyed about that as it does look like it was him that said it. Mind you, it's not Josie's fault what lies they stick on the front.
Oh the dulcet Australian and Bristolian accents arguing. Magical.
Creepy fans! Ugh. Why do people want to be famous? I couldn't think of anything worse. Having to speak to freaks everywhere you go. I'd rather have anonymity than any millions.
God, I'd hate to go out with a moody so-and-so like John James. I can't STAND moody men. WTF why is JJ acting as go between. JJ is so fucking ugly he makes me want to vom. I'd rather have sex with a boiled egg than that boring cunt.
Was that hotel 'luxury'? I've seen better in the before section of The Hotel Inspector.
Thank God Josie chucked that thing out. He's like an emotional vampire. I've been in that situation where I've been out with someone I thought was so good-looking that I let them get away with murder. It's really not worth it. No, really.
Yeah, the fans are right, Josie sure is 'bubbly'. Why are all their 'fans' middle-aged women?! Why is JJ signing things at Josie's perfume signing? Get off that bandwagon, you fucking leech.
It's so sad and pathetic hearing them arguing about their looks. Josie should have stayed having a laugh with her mates. I think Josie would be better off just moving back to Bristol and being near her family. Fame aint all it's cracked up to be; just ask Chantelle.
John James is an emotionally abusive POS. I've seen his kind a million times before. I bet you a million times he's useless in bed, too. In fact I bet you a ZILLION pounds he's one of those guys who won't go down on a girl. I'd bet my fucking LIFE ON IT. HE IS A MISOGYNIST.
Whippet? Postcode? WTF sort of argument is this?! How embarrassing having an argument like that on camera. Where's your dignitas?
I think that disgusting flat is sucking the life out of them. It's like the dullest hotel room on the planet.
LOL look at that scarf John James is wearing. And the earring! Stop calling her a cunt, you nasty little fucker. Woman-hating little closet case. I bet JJ is shitting himself now because his two meal tickets are warring. Better go back to Aston Merrygold and leech off him instead.

There's something about Josie

Big Brother recap! John James and Josie have split up. He had his crab eyes on something skinnier. They're now rowing on Twitter. Hardly Romeo and Juliet, is it? I'm only surprised they didn't stay together longer for the money/ tv show.
Josie actually gets right on my nerves these days. Her whole shtick seems 100% contrived, just like that relationship was.
I hate it when people tell me something is 'every girl's dream'. It's not MY dream to have my hair and make up done and go in OK magazine with a misogynistic prick by my side, thanks very much.
Ugh, their flat is so grim. It looks like a council block. Overlooking the Thames? No thanks. I'd rather overlook a scrapyard.
Oh, John James. What a strange little man he is. Vain, yet incredibly insecure. Not a good combination.
Oh god, they had a 'love contract' to change three things about each other. No wonder their relationship went down the dumper. When you love someone you don't want to change things about them. You just love all of them. Their relationship makes the Kerry Katona/ Mark Croft union look like it had potential.
I hate Josie's 'I'm stupid' act, too, like that's something to be proud of. It isn't. Go read a book.
Wow, that was an exciting segment, with Josie picking a venue for a partyzzzzzzzzzzz. Uh, JJ! That cunt should do the right thing and disappear into obscurity just like Stuart and Dale (Stale!) and his ilk before him. Probably the dullest Big Brother contestant since Imogen Thomas.
I wonder why John doesn't like socialising with people (because he's a prick and will probably say somethign stupid).
The thing that strikes me most is what a sad, empty life they are living (all three of them). It just seems completely nothingy. Just clinging to the wreckage of z-list fame.
OMG that club where John James and JJ are DJing looks like HELL ON EARTH.
UGH get JJ off my screen! USELESS. The worst kind of Big Brother contestant, allegedly 'good looking' but devoid of personality. Channel 5, take note, we don't need any of these this series. At least John James was complex. No, really, he was!
Josie is braver than I modelling that fancy dress on TV.
LOL to John James saying how much Josie's present cost (£800). How very romantic (I mean, crass). I bet it still wasn't as much as those bloody decks.
It's so OBVIOUS that JJ HATES Josie and would never talk to anyone like her 'in real life' or in any other circumstances other than her letting him take the piss out of her by staying in their flat. I HATE HIM. HATE!
It's like John James is just playing at having a relationship. I think Josie would make a fun girlfriend for someone like her; sociable, carefree, boozy, outgoing. John James is not any of those things. Some blokes would find her really sexy, too. If they weren't gay, that is.
I actually thought she looked quite good in the white dress! Ugh, Sam Pepper. And Andrew! Remember him? No?
Josie looks like she's having such a good time at that party. I admire someone who throws themselves into a party to that extent, I'm too reserved to have that much fun.
I like the fact John James is just completely ignoring her obnoxious behaviour! It sucks when you're trying to enjoy yourself and you've got some miserable boyfriend on your back; I've been there.
LOL John in bed with JJ AGAIN. This is beginning to look like a habit. Fuck me, she looks worse for wear!
Is this show a series? How will they sustain interest once crab eyes goes back to Oz? The truth is, Josie's just not that interesting. Also, have you noticed how these reality people (Kerry, Jordan, Josie) never actually have any mates in their show? It's sad, really.
I'm STILL surprised he walked rather than be on TV. Because it was ALL about the fame for John James. Don't ever forget that.

Josie & John James: What happened next?

Why is this show on Five? The plot thickens.
Their flat looks like a hotel. Who's paying for that fucker? FIVE, methinks. That flat is horrible, I can't stand those riverside blocks. Look at the Thames! Witness the slurry. Beautiful.
Look at those curtains! That flat is sooooo bland. That's a flat to take an overdose in.
I would go MAD if Josie drew a moustache on Morrissey.
Good to see the crab eyes shifting around on the goggle box again. John James and Josie's fans look BRILLIANT. Imagine having to be nice to those people!
LOL Josie's doing a fitness video! All those things she said she'd never do. I wonder how it feels to sell out. I wonder what Rachael think of it all. And what if those 15 minutes of fame last longer, and those photo opportunities just become your life? Sad really. She must miss that farm.
Nice to see John in his rightful place, by the rock pool.
I wonder why people have criticised you about the magazine deals; because of the fuss YOU TWO BOTH MADE ABOUT THEM! DUR. Yeah, probably anyone would take the money. BUT they'd admit it beforehand!
Why SHOULD Josie lose weight anyway? For him? For us? For money? Either way it sucks.
I like her sunglasses. I agree people are born athletic or lazy. Fit people don't understand that.
Are they watching bullfighting? Delightful.
Obviously no one wants Josie hanging round those nightclubs. Especially not those rabid laydeez.
What's Josie going to call her perfume? Eau de Crab? Showmance?
What kind of nightclubs have 'PA's anyway? It looks like a special kind of hell.
Wow, why ARE all their fans so ugly? Like proper mongs. Yeah, thanks for your life story, loser. Imagine if Josie was your IDOL?! It's CREEPY! I want to see someone with a John James & Josie tattoo.
Deck-gate! John complaining about his soulless PAs. It's better than working on a building site, innit.
John's looking for his fan mail. Perhaps it's fallen down the back of the sofa.
Nice- I liked Josie dropping in the cost of the decks. I'd so do that.
I wonder what sort of tunes he's going to spin?
I feel like I'm a part of this relationship and I don't want to be. I hope this show finishes soon. It's been a few MONTHS since she's seen her sisters? WTF.
God, if I had to get to know that many family members I'd curl up and die inside. I'd run for my life.
Why is John James not spinning the decks at this lame party? Maybe they're already rotting on a shelf at the back of Cash Converters in Acton. This is the worst party on the planet! And then Shabby turns up.
Narrated by Tracy-Ann Oberman! LOL.
I feel empty inside.

Big Brother 11: I got so nervous I pissed myself

Friday morning. I bet Corin didn't really think she was leaving that night. Even I can't believe it the car crash that occured. It feels like the heart has been ripped out of the show.
It doesn't seem worth calling John a hypocrite for the magazine talk. It doesn't seem worth getting excited about Sam's hijinks.
That flat-capped cunt JJ is saying what John James said to Rachael word for word. Oh the morality! Dipshit. He was right people will call him a wanker, though. So, so depressing that JJ is still in there. Even Steve deserves it more than that.
JJ was definitely being more frosty to John James and Josie in this show. Too late to extricate yourself from that now.
Aw to Crab Eyes crying in the shower. He is a shell of a man!
It feels we were really cheated out of seeing who would fare best out of Sam, Corin and John James in the final. it just ended up as nil/nil. I feel like we've been totally fucked as viewers. Mind you, we have always been treated with contempt. I think Big Brother could have been the biggest show in the world if they'd poured money into it, invested in the split screen, not tinkered with the nominations etc. I really believe that. It could probably have run all year long and had it's own channel. People like the live feed and they like the comfort of knowing it's there, and where those people are daily. It's just a simple thing.
John James: 'I'll be remembered as an argumentative, opinionated prick.' Well, he's not wrong.
It's not fair for John James to tell Josie he might not still be in the country when she gets out. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if he would be there.
Here we go again; stick a knife through my heart for a second time! Steve was happy to go. Andrew looked shell shocked!
So weird to see Corin go, and I still don't know why. I just thought she was a dead cert to be in until the end.
Why is Josie telling the whole house she pissed herself? Is this our winner?!
Oh, Sam. John James: 'see you in a minute.' I wish Sam had the pass for the final, at least it would make the next three days better.
Dave: 'I am a goner.' If only. I saw a post on Digital Spy that said 'there is no god'.
Sam going 'John James I love you' was classic.
That was hard to see that again. Feel sorry for Josie. JJ; 'I'll look after her for you.' What a saint.
Just leave her alone ffs JJ. She probably wants to be alone.
I can actually feel rage soaring through me watching this. Is there one person who thought this was a good idea?
Mario 'I thought you said you were going to leave?' Josie: 'you wish'. TRUE!
Please don't show me Dave in the diary room right now. I don't think I can take it.
Dave sticking it to JJ. Good. Looking at him so happy makes me sick.
Aw to the Andrew/Josie love-in. I think Josie is a good person to have around. She's very warm. I just don't like the fact she's such an obvious winner. LOL to 'Mario's been trying to smooth you over'.
John james loves Josie has been carved in the bench for weeks! Don't tell me that's the first time she's seen it. Aw, feel sorry for Josie. Must be hard losing John. As much of a tool as he was, he was important to her.
I don't think Josie wants to be in there another two weeks, do you? I think she'd rather go eat some crab. And given the choice between John James and sharing a room with Nasty Nick and Chantelle, I might choose the same.

Big Brother 11: Time you fucked off out of this house

This is it, kiddywinks, tonight's the night! Let's face it, the show is dead whatever happens from here. Just crammed in a bit of live feed and Josie was running out of patience BIG TIME with John James. He was going on and on about Big Brother humiliating him and taking precisely zero responsibility for his own actions. He also said he would not go on Big Mouth to have the piss ripped out of him! And he means what he says. Dave and Sam trashed the house! Did that not even make the highlights? It was funny! Sam got a water balloon right in the mush too.
John James is still in the house, I see! Oh my god, he's such a giant SCROTUM. They shouldn't be passing on a message from Nathan to him anyway.
The fact that Big Brother is basically throwing the rulebook (tm. Vinnie Jones) out the window to let John James have a little chat with Nathan.
JOSIE. CORRECT. She deserves to win for that comment alone ('you should be apologising to Rachael') Why does he want to speak to Nathan anyway? What century is this? Is Nathan Rachael's dad? He's like a caveman dragging her along by the hair.
I literally can't believe what I'm seeing in the diary room. What's next in Big Brother? Conjugal visits? Email? WHY IS THIS LITTLE PRICK GETTING SPECIAL TREATMENT! The shark has been flown into space with John James's name tattooed on it's ARSE!
If I was in that house I would be LIVID he just got that phonecall. He treats Big Brother like his very own bitch, and he's right to. It's like he's in My Super Sweet 16 not Big Brother. 'Oh I got a party! Oh I got a car! OH I GOT A FLAT!' FUCK OFF JOHN JAMES.
Steve's task! Bovvered. I wish 'Titan' would tear John James's head off. OMG Andrew Stone. No thanks. Is this the best they can do? Bring on the evictions.
Who's this dude in the task room? Oh, it's Jesus. Aw, Andrew's all red singing. I fast forwarded most of that.
BOB RIGHTER IS A RAPIST!
John James: has a 'guyliner' instead of a soul. It's a fair swap.
Sad for Josie a bit tonight. I think she really does love him, the good part of him. I think he loves her a bit in his own way.
Josie doesn't drink champagne? You're in the BB house, drink EVERYTHING you can get your hands on.
HERE WE GO. Is he going to refuse to be interviewed? Is he FUCK!
Aww Andrew. But it's not because anyone actually likes him. LOL to Steve being evicted. It's the first chance we've had to get that boring bastard out. That was funny they didn't hear what Davina said. I think Steve thought he was safe.
OUR HERO. Now fuck off. He's got his own special door! STEVE'S BEST BITS! Oh, they're finished.
This interview is going to suck shit. 'It is what it is!' Profound.
Steve: 'I am a flirt.' And that was the end of the Keeley inquisition!
Dave seemed quite cheerful in his interview. Very happy to be out, I think.
I want to call in and talk to John James! I want to see that guyliner run.
What is Keeley's agenda? Bugger off.
Ooh I've nearly caught up now. Hurrah.
I don't want celebrities in the ultimate big brother! I want just the civillians.
Dave is wearing the t-shirt! I'm so pleased Mario is through. He deserves it.
OMG CORIN is out! That means either John James or Sam is safe! WTF!!!!
I can't fucking believe Corin has gone. We're loving it, loving it, loving it!
John James outlasted Corin! What is going on? Just as I started to like her. Did she have her wig on?
Anything could happen now.
Forshaw is one cool surname. I feel for Corin, she had a hard time this week. I hate the thought of John James thinking he outdid her.
Corin's interview- dull. Ask about the girlfriend.
Corin didn't look that embarrassed about JJ-gate. I don't think she'll be going back to her girlfriend, do you?
OH NO, Sam is out! Please don't tell me Dave is safe. It's either Dave or John James next! Did John James's fans get Corin out? Surely Dave can't have beat
Is Sam coming out as Super Mario? LOL. Aw thought Sam was going to make it then. And instead we've got DAVE OR CRAB EYES. WELL DONE YOU FUCKERS.
Sad Sam's gone! What a gigantic fuck up this is. What a monumental shit-storm.
Does Dave have like a million people in his religious cult?
Is she not going to make him take that moustache off? Oh, Sam. You could have been good in all-stars.
After EVERYTHING I've said about Crab Eyes this week, Dave should walk out that door over him. Crab Eyes has given me all kinds of entertainment.
Sam to Dave: 'time you fucked off out of this house.' That is some good shit.
Sam wants Andrew to win? WTF? Life has gone mental tonight.
OMG did that really just happen? Dave in the final? This is the worst Big Brother final EVER. WHY DIDN'T YOU DO A VOTE TO SAVE YOU FUCKING CUNTS?
Really felt for Josie then. How many fans does Dave have? Could he win this fucking thing? Imagine that bastard in all stars?
Mardy bum! LOL.
John James, you appear to be doing your interview. My boyfriend just said he'll be doing Nuts next week.
'The worst housemates in history' was about right. 'An absolute privilege to be here'. You didn't show it!
Crab eyes is twiddling his hair. Aw he didn't deserve to be there! He's playing Davina like he plays Josie!
I've never seen such a fake smile on a housemate as John James. He couldn't give a r.i.p.
Mario: 'a bee in his bonnet'. LOL. That's a good way of describing it.
John James isn't a stupid man. I think deep down he knows he's not going about things the right way.
OMG they are playing that song they played at Kylie and Jason's wedding! I used to have that song! Sob.
Their love is real! REAL! (I bet Josie is slagging him off RIGHT NOW).
OMG IS HE BACKTRACKING ON THE MAGAZINE DEAL NOW??? Oh crab eyes, you're such a hypocrite. He's going to be on the front of Angler's Monthly, that's about it.
Who wins? You decide. Out of this useless fucking bunch that everyone hates.
I think I'm going to vote for Mario. I just feel an affinity towards him lately.
PS. DAVE. IS. STILL. IN. THERE. What have you done?

Big Brother 11: 'I'm 24 years old... just tell me where my mum is'

Someone's ruined Sam's shoes. They cost FORTY quid. Who did it? Why didn't they show us? Who cares?
They are arguing from the second they wake up. Urgh I think I just saw Dave's knob.
The only problem JJ has with Corin is that she DIDN'T nominate his friend. Makes perfect sense. Why is this no-mark still in the house?
Sam's in cunt mode today. I thought Josie was one of his best friends in the house! Tuesday can't come soon enough. It all leaves a very bad taste in the mouth.
The housemates aren't acting very unpredictably. I could predict this bullshit out of my arse.
OMG are they really saying Corin and Josie are 'ganging' up on poor ickle 'I'm going to give you a night of hell' Sammy?
Stop telling Josie what to do, John! Prick!
Why DOES John James keep defending Sam, especially after showergate the other night! Weird. I think he sees him as cut from the same cloth. Yeah that would be the arsehole cloth.
Josie: 'why would I want to be with someone who treats a woman like that?' YES! The penny drops.
Why is ANDREW standing up for John James now?! Is it opposite day? I know it's supposed to be, but they've forgotten about that.
Oh Ben. You can't come soon enough. Why are they filming John James and Josie so close up? I don't want to see either of them that close.
Temporary diary room! LOL. Mario looks kinda cute today. I liked it when he minced through the garden. Aw, I like Mario again now he's the mole.
AW proper heartwarmer! Love Ben and Mario. Lush!
'Hello crab eyes!' Ace. Ben's hair looks amazing. He is a wondrous creature. He's a proper BB dreamboat! John having to eat that crab eyes cake was amazing. he's doing his wolf smile again.
John James is shitting himself now. And rightly so. Acting like he's doing Rachael a favour by letting her back in the house. He didn't even cuddle her- that was a frosty reception. I hope she breaks his back.
John James asking her if she did Nuts! Arsehole. Rachael's boobs look good. John James 'you're difficult!' Bastard!
Rachael should stamp on that cunt. Scratch him!
OMG he was so vile to her! That was unbelievable. 'Pay for sex?' Where did that come from? I can't wait for that wanker to get booed to fuck. She brings out his real personality, the real crab eyes. I'm glad Rachael didn't tell him she's going out with Nathan. She showed remarkable restraint. Ben's sly aside was fantastic.
Nathan is so vile. Why is Rachael even going out with him, he's gross. Nathan must be FUMING! I love it.
Why are they making Corin wear that binbag! Cruel. I liked the conversation she had with Nathan where she could finally be honest about her feelings about John James. I can't stand Nathan but she needed that. I felt for her then.
Yeah of course, John James knew about Nathan and Rachael. BOLLOCKS. Out comes the smile.
John James is worried! I love seeing him panicking under the surface. Corin finally stands up to him. I'm so glad she got that extra bit of power behind her. Take him down! I hope she jumps for joy when he scuttles out tomorrow.
Cue diary room and I want to leave. I mean LOL has never been more appropriate. John James has got exactly what he deserves.
I like the fact Corin is wearing the binbag still. John James: a right kipper! I hope Josie stays true to her word. He does hate women. He really does, and I can't even work out why.
Even JJ has written John off with the two days comment. 'I think I'm gonna leave right now... before I fall any deeper.'
John James doesn't feel safe! Aw diddums. I actually agree with him that it is a bit annihilating to bring people in with outside knowledge and fuck with him, but he built that castle of cuntery himself.
SEE YOU LATER JOHN. Take your emotional blackmail back to your mummy where she can tell you they're all just jealous because you're so wonderful.
I think Corin needs to play this smart now and not gloat too much. Why DID John James come out and brag about calling Racheal a slag, basically? What part of the gameplan was that?
John James: 'I'm 24 years old... where's my mum?' This is almost as good as Nasty Nick sobbing under the covers. This is just perfect.
OMG WHAT. John James wants to speak to Nathan? How about saying sorry to RACHAEL? Nathan's not her fucking keeper. What planet are we living on?
Corin is right. He's not sorry, he's just scared. I think 'I'm 24 years old... just tell me where my mum is' is probably my favourite line of the series.
Soon, my pretty, soon! Time to dress up that crab and serve it. To a baying mob.

Big Brother 11: Floodgate

If there was ever a metaphor for this year's BB it's surely the house falling to pieces before our VERY eyes. Hopefully the plague of locusts is due on Friday.
Eek that Bob Righter thing is scary as fuck. I'm going to have nightmares about him molesting me.
Bob Righter's predictions are too easy. Aren't they meant to act different? He didn't predict the day after tomorrow-style flash flood though, did he? DID HE? Who fitted that roof anyway? They need to get that Cowboy Builders dude in who looks like the Dungeon Master, quick smart.
Josie's wearing her Picasso's Etam range again.
So glad Corin used the word 'belittling' to describe Sam and John's behaviour. That's exactly what it is.
I can't WAIT for John James to go on Friday. He's been trying to destroy Corin's game for days on end now. He's hated her from day one, when he realised he fancied her and that wouldn't do. I'm so glad Josie sticks up for Corin.
It's funny how nominations don't exist any more and John James has gone back to his cunt self again. They should put use him for interrogation; he'd be great at torture techniques. And I have actually backed him for being an entertaining housemate up until now, but the attitude is out of control. He's lost the plot.
Pepper pot prick! LOL. Forsake your guyliner John James.
I heard JJ on live feed calling Cameron from years gone by boring. Personally, I'd rather fuck Cameron, and at least he was likeable.
John James, why don't you try not being a crabby little ballbag for a day? Oh you can't. That's your one setting.
Andrew/ Mario. Sexy times.
Josie on Sam being her butler: 'best day of my loife.'
George Lamb! Stood up by Josie. Hehe. If it'd been Archie it would have been another matter. That's one dirty laugh Josie's got. CHOOSE THE CRAB! Good old Josie, she didn't let us down. TTFN Laminator.
LOVE Josie lying to John James about the thong! Fucking love it. John james: 'I will not dress as that crab.' Two seconds later: dressed as crab. I like the fact they call 'crab eyes' the c-word. The crustacean that will not be mentioned!!!
How DID he know she was lying?! You put me in the... crabby position!
Given two choices: I'd choose the one that made John James look like a fuckwit, too.
He'd BETTER dress up as that crab or else.
John James will not be humilated on TV! Who's going to tell him?
Kick him out! Him in the crab costume would have been the best thing ever. Also, what about what he was saying to Corin earlier? Hypocrite! Ah, Corin just said it.
Dave did a funny: 'you're not much use to us alive, John?'
Oh John. Can't wait for you to leave this week. Sam muttering: 'crab eyes'. Funny.
So if Corin would have gone without make up, John would be in the crab suit right now? BULLSHIT!
At least Sam gave it to him a bit.
Anyway, isn't it the day when you do the opposite to what you normally do? Therefore; happy days with the crab suit.
Did JJ just disagree with John James? HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.
Everyone in there is DESPERATE to see him in the crab suit.
John James just cooked his own crab, there. The more he's revealed as a hypocrite, the louder he shouts.
What did Mario give Corin from down his pants? Was it a wrap of drugs? Maybe it's Phil's lost crack. Either way, she didn't seem that interested.
John James is on the warpath today. If he behaves like this on TV, can you imagine how he behaves with girlfriends behind closed doors?
John James, you deprived us of a classic Big Brother moment. You showed you're a humourless prick. Mario's right, you're a spent force. Call your mummy because your tea's ready. And we're done with you. (NB. If he does happen to stay in the UK and you ever see him scuttling down the street, be sure to shout 'crab eyes' at him)
Oh, he put it on! Hold on, didn't he say he'd rather suck Sam's dick? But did anyone call him crab eyes? I don't think so! Crab fail.
Let John James have a little swim in the pool.
I'd be scared if the house was flooding like that with all those electrics in there! Who built that fucking place? They need old skool Mario in there with his health and safety training. Don't put your brolly up indoors, Corin, it's bad luck. Was quite exciting when all this kicked off last night. Thought the show might be over!
I love the fact John James was wearing the crab suit whilst that all happened. Dear lord, I hope Corin's wigs are safe.
What's in the mystery box, a poncho?
Sam looks like he's going to be a page boy at a wedding.
I wonder where they got all the lilos from? They didn't even go to a hotel. They went to a portakabin. That's not much of a holiday. That was epic. Bed time.

Big Brother 11: Hungry like the (were)wolf

Hmm. Running out of patience now. Bring on the all-stars. Heard the housemates moaning on the live feed that the show ends on a Tuesday and no one is going to watch it. Correct.
This wig thing is boring as fuck. There better be some sort of point to it.
Also on the live feed: about ten million hours of John James talking about 'the game'. Not that he cares about the game. Honest.
Mario discussing the Pope with Corin. Educational stuff. I saw this on live feed (I watched 2 hours tonight!). If this is the best they've got, we're fucked.
Dave doesn't like people picking at his food? It figures.
Corin is wearing a top I've never seen her wear before. Has she been saving clothes for the last week? That's restraint.
JJ and John James will enjoy Corin legitimately getting annoyed about someone hiding her belongings. I can't STAND JJ!
I never even knew Corin's hair was fake! That's how observant I am.
Dave saw someone turn into a werewolf, and has seen someone go invisible! I'll have what he's having, please. He's worse than David Icke. LOL to John James 'you should be a stand up comedian' comment. Then Dave complains they're ridiculing him! You just said you saw someone turn into a werewolf. For God's sake, what do you expect people to say? John dealt with that quite well. STFU Dave. Just stop talking now, you're an embarrassment to the nation, and your long-suffering family (I suspect).
Oh Sam, give it up, you're getting on my wick. Stop terrorising all the women in the house. Why not pick on Steve instead? Oh.
Aw to Mario and Andrew's lie down. Lucky they're getting out on Tuesday; another three weeks in there and they'd be fucking like doggies.
After tonight's episode, I'll be quite happy to see the back of Sam and Crab Eyes this week, they're both a pair of cunts. They're just trying to fuck Corin over right near to the end of the show; it's so transparent. Fuck them. They don't deserve the win any more than she does.
John James telling Corin to leave because someone's stolen her make-up! He was basically saying Josie didn't see what she said she saw with her own eyes! Fuck me, he's got some gall. 2 minutes in the outside world and crab eyes would be banning Josie from hanging round with Corin. Then cutting her off from her family. Then.. well, you know what comes next.
Oh god, a nasty task when they're all in a mood with each other anyway. Uh-oh.
John James did a crab victory dance! LOL.
You don't often hear Mario having a bitch. I liked their little chat in the toilet.
John James is on such a witch hunt for Corin right now. It's actually despicable. Corin hasn't got the braincells to be the Machiavellian overlord he sees her as. She's just an idiot with a fake tan.
Corin, Josie, Mario (and at a push Andrew) final. Who'd have thought it could come to this? End.

Big Brother 11: When I wake up, in my make-up

John James thinks his relationship with Josie is perfect? I think he needs someone a bit more brow-beatable. I just watched a few snippets of (non) Armageddon-gate and he was hammering her so hard. Mind you, he was hammering everyone hard. He makes a broken record look like a 192bpm mp3.
'From what I know... I'm in love with her.' Is that the Prince Charles declaration? The Big Brother grilling him was quite sexy sounding.
I remember Corin saying she doesn't like people fucking with her stuff. So she probably doesn't like people stealing her eyebrow pencil. It's like stealing her actual eyebrows.
Riddle me this, Mario. God help us if that's the scrapings of the highlight barrel.
John James's back-scrubbing technique needs some work, she looked red raw afterwards.
LOL to the David Beckham perfume. Is it called Beckscum?
John James is getting more screwy as the days go on. He reminds me of the Woody Harrelson character in tedious monster-turkey movie 2012. He's lucky the show is coming to an abrupt end or he'd be screaming on top of a mountain in two weeks time. In fact, he might still be.
Housemates favourite meal task was quite cruel. John James's favourite meal was a hamburger. LOL. He makes me look sophisticated.
I've decided I want Mario in the final, and I hope he gets there. It means a lot to him.
Josie: John James doesn't even like you with a fanny, let alone a willy. Let's not kid ourselves.
Ouch Corin walking her 'tache! That's gotta hurt.
John's Josie's rock (pool). JJ sounds like he's setting Josie up for a fall, trying to make her say she might fancy someone else.
Davina McCaw task. LOL to Steve saying Dave's 'glory' BS is poppycock. I have heard John call Josie thick many a time. He's always undermining her position on things.
John's got two... braincells!
Sam is right about JJ- he wouldn't spit on him in the outside world.
Some of the faces during that task were classic- ie. Mario, John James and Corin.
Sam needs to think of a name for his game where you basically just whack a ball at each other's er... balls. Some of these blokes in there would be better off infertile.
Dave basically just agreed he DESERVED to be in the final! Fuck me. Too right Steve would have picked someone else to get the free pass: himself! Even Mario is envying Josie's position in the house now. Could this 'free pass' come back to bite her?
Pranks! Could there be anything duller? Oh yeah. JJ.

Big Brother 11: In Mexico, I lay on the grass

Dead show walking!
What has Andrew done in the past two weeks? Taken up space. Frowned. I've shown more emotion watching this programme.
Dave really, really, really hates Sam. Which makes me happy.
JJ is SO gutted he's having to wear those leaf pants. He's really HATING walking round showing his body off.
Ooh they are talking about the winnings! Surprise surprise Steve doesn't want to stay in the house if he wins. He has no interest in providing us with any sort of entertainment, he just wants the money and to run.
JJ is always digging into Corin, I hate him. She has offered 100 times more entertainment than him, and she's offered less than none. Corin fans, I suggest you vote JJ out.
John James is the ONLY PERSON in that house obsessed with winning. He is desperate for it!
Dave want to talk Sam into trusting him! You can't argue someone into trusting you, idiot. Dave: 'look into these eyes, they're eyes of love'. Sam: 'no they're not, they're scary.' Would Sam want to court Dave's daughter? I doubt it.
JJ is a wetrosexual.
Are Andrew and Mario going to get off with each other? It looked more genuine than John James and Josie. Mario just said 'obsequiousness.' I think that's the longest word I've ever heard in the Big Brother house.
Taco hell.This is Dave's dream task getting to stuff his face. Urgh JJ is a fucking dog- get some manners.
URGH please don't show us Dave puking! He looks like a fucking warthog! Nice camera work. Oh, Mario, you trouper. This is the mole we know and love. This seems like a bit of a health and safety issue. LOL at 'just leave me to it'.
OMG that was scary when John James said he was going to move to England to be with Josie. She is going to crash so hard. I feel really angry with him if he doesn't mean that. I think he might be the biggest gameplayer I have ever seen in Big Brother, and that's saying something.
Dave, why the fuck should I vote for you because you've got kids? Steve saying he deserves to be in the final. Does he fuck. Smug BASTARDS!
Oh I wish Sam Pepper could win, but I don't think he can with the stupid voting system they've got this week. I think we're gonna lose him.
Josie to Corin: 'John James said I'm so in love with you.' Corin: what does that mean? What does it normally mean?!
Mario and his eviction outfit! He's so desperate to stay, bless him. I felt warmer towards him again tonight.
In my ideal world I'd like Steve, Dave, JJ and Andrew go on Friday. But this world aint set up for lightupvirginmary.

Big Brother 11: Why is the last mile the hardest mile?

Hi! What gave Sam the impression that Littlejohn was his closest friend in the house? either way,he played a blinder with all the tears and histrionics.
John James simply 'got caught up talking about that situation in the shower.' Not in any way was he the instigator. Oh, no.
John James actually seemed quite genuine with that apology. The operative word is still surely 'seemed'.
Wow, this is a really boring episode of BB, there's fuck all to say about it.
Dear Jo: it's a foregone conclusion, not a full-blown conclusion. Now go pack your bag.
LOL to Josie saying she's like a sack of spuds in bed! I thought John James didn't like blowjobs?
I really want to see JJ crack and drop this pathetic nice guy act he's barely keeping up right now. I want him to show his teeth.
They didn't argue too much about choosing Josie to get to the final, did they?
John James actually looks LIVID. The camera man is having a field day zooming on on the crab zone.
Steve looked thrilled to be going home in 11 days. Can you see him in the all stars house? I don't think he'd be into it in the slightest.
John James bitching about Corin when really he's mad about something else.
The only housemates who would be worth going in all stars are John james, Josie or Sam.
Josie seemed very genuine in the diary room, showing her gratitude. I think we would have seen a much better Josie in that house if it wasn't for the crab tyranny.
Four to go on Friday? Should be a vote to save. I can see John James leaving. Which is fine, but god knows what else we'll be left with.

Big Brother 11: You're missing highlight show action right here

I'm a bit mash up, and it's 2am so god knows how this will turn out. I don't know who got evicted! Let it be Dave. Let it not be Sam.
Hate crab eyes? Keep Sam in. Give them all a shock.
Who are all these blonde people in the eviction crowd? It's like Nazi Germany.
Look at JJ's sparkly scarf! Ooh, isn't he dishy? NO HE'S A NUMPTY. I've seen potatoes with more personality. He should have got himself for something beginning with B: BELL END.
I was glad Corin got herself in ISpy, I doubt if I would have been so literal.
That task was silly but cute.
Why is Sam all flushed? Uh oh, John James is in trubs. Josie has got BEEF. Sam: 'you're missing this over here, highlight show action?' LOL then pointing out the fire exits!
Sam needling Josie when she's fuming anyway! Loves it.
OOH CRAB EYES IS ANGRY! Back off laydeez. There could be a misogyny moment coming on. She definitely DID give him an angry face.
Josie looks cool with those glasses on. Sam Pepper: marriage guidance counsellor.
Wack off? John James has forgotten how to say 'rack off'. He needs to brush up on his Home & Away.
Crab eyes are blazing!!! THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A PRIVATE MATTER. John James is going to whack Sam one. Sam's back on form tonight.
Josie don't make John James scuttle away sideways. He REALLY LOVES YOU. He's not just a manipulative cunt.
My boyfriend just called John James 'a nasty piece of itemary.'
They are not showing Dave or Jo at ALL! This makes me worried.
John James: 'Sam's not very smart.' Incorrect.
Why has John James got his cap on in the shower! Why are they all having a shower together? WTF. Something's not right.
Sam: 'fuck fight night this is Armageddon'. You'd better back that up. Since when was crab eyes the only person Sam could trust? He needs to rethink his relationships.
JOHN YOU'RE IN THE WRONG! STOP SHOUTING! Ooh, this is good. Come on Sam, squeeze those tears out. This is great for you.
Fucking boyfriend just made me pause this FOUR MINUTES before the end whilst he prattled off to the toilet and to make a drink. Is he having a laugh?
I want to use John James. For crab sticks. Josie looked scared when she was being nice to Sam and the door opened, like John James was going to come in and smack her one.
Dave's wearing his greet t-shirt I see! Maybe they took the rest of his clothes off him. That's the only explanation I can think of.
2nd show. Hold up! Someone's getting a free pass to the final? I wonder who that will be? *crab eyes* Urgh, the housemates choose! Bet they choose Steve. Steve'll take that fucker too.
Urgh: look at JJ's sweaty head. He makes Stuart and Dale (Stale t.m.) from years gone by look charismatic. I'll take the potato. Jo evicted. It didn't bode well for her when her odds were 200/1 earlier. Plus she's black. And a woman.
I like Jo's dress! they've all scrubbed up well for evictions lately.
Cliche count! Start the clock. 'It's all good. The penny dropped. It is what it is at the end of the day.' (brilliant!) 'Strings to his bow.
The difference between her with her make-up on and off is quite extreme! I need that make up.
Yeah we get it, you're pissed off with Corin. Zzz. Hormone treatment? Is she a tranny? Oh my boyfriend said it's probably HRT.
Cougar is about as offensive a term for women as WAG. It's certainly not something to style yourself on.
Goodbye messages to Jo. 'No one comes between me and my man!' Ooh, sorry, wrong show.
Sam's goodbye message was special. He did a spastic face and said 'lots of love'. Sweet.
Jo on Sam and Andrew; 'social services!'
What IS Davina wearing? Sorry, a little late to be wondering that, but still.
CRAB EYES! Shifty. Telling Davina what's what on her own show.John James looks sinister tonight. He's giving it the Tom Cruise fake smile! Oh nice when they chose Josie and she got a big cheer. Fuck Steve. John James and Steve both look bitter behind the fake smile.
No one looked shocked about the All Stars! Corin was hamming it up too much.
They are ALL UP NEXT WEEK. FOR FUCKS SAKE LETS GET DAVE OUT. Come on folks. You can do it. Please dial carefully. Love you.

Big Brother 11: There's a fucking cow in it

One minute after waking up they're arguing. Happy days!
I couldn't give two fucks about this horse task. Tasks should last one day only.
Oh dear, Sam's getting shafted with this edit so far. Dave is losing it today. I hope he does knock someone out and then gets kicked out soon after.
John James (not) leaping to Josie's defence again. Lovely.
Advert: Sienna Miller: what a cunt.
This horse task BLOWS.
Mario... rear end joke... oh, I can't be bothered.
'Sammy, you dingus'. Ooh, brand new Oz vernacular from crab eyes.
RESPECT to Josie forgetting Sam full in the face during sauce-gate. Then hitting him with a broom! LOL.
This horse-play can't match the open top bus shenanigans with village idiots Dave and Lisa last year.
Mario looks BITTER he didn't get to go chew that cud at the pantomime horse trials (does such a thing even exist? It sounds like flim flam to me)
If I was Josie I would have bashed Sam's face in by now, make no mistake. But I still want him in the house.
What is Dave drivelling on about about Josie? She's not exactly the second coming.
JJ and John: I think they liked the intimacy of being in that horse suit. 'You fucking beauty'. LOL.
I've gone off Sam a bit again today, he's being SO annoying.
Corin: 'you can't want what you can't have.' Incorrect. I want EVERYTHING I can't have (then I never want it again).
Aw to John James and Josie pining over each other when they came back, it seemed almost genuine.
Why was the pantomime cow in that race if he couldn't win it?! That task was dead fishy. Mammally.
Hat-gate. The other housemates were actually quite funny when they joined in the hat(e) song.
Sam's had four coffees and gone mental. Give him a pack of Haribo and he'll start gurning. Don't hide in the clothes horse, laddie. Mind you, it is a-p-t.

Big Brother 11: Martyr-dumb

Dave and Jo: everyone hates you. Just walk, the pair of you, get in the pantomime horse suit and gallop down them steps. Jo: 'know your place'. Sam: 'moany bitch'.
Jo, what have you actually brought to the house? Face-ache, that's about it.
JUST LEAVE DAVE, THE DOOR IS OPEN! Fuck me, is this all they've got for us tonight.
Josie and John James both look cute today; but I have drunk half a bottle of wine.
Sam Pepper playing the martyr in the diary room! Loves it. Keep him in.
Jo, can anyone say NEEDY? She's one needy psychotic bitch.
Corin on bumblebees: 'that one was the size of a horse.' The more Jo slags off Corin, the more I like Corin. Jo, you are digging your own grave here. Let me get a spade and give you a hand. Do you get me?
The torrent of hypocritical bullshit that comes out of John James's mouth is unreal. Everything John James says about Corin is just the bad parts of himself projecting.
Brie of temptation! I know someone who'd like this task: Lord Alex James, of course.
What's JJ and John James's horse called? Mr. Gaylord?
How can Josie and Jo weigh 25 stone? They can't be 12 and a half stone each. Sam and Corin are a match made in equine heaven. Nice horse name. Kolsek the Butcher aint bad either.
I like the fact Sam was eating that cheese before he rubbed it on himself. Delightful. Sam is actually a little cutie. So hope he stays this week.
Horse race task: zzzz.
Nice of Sam to read that letter in the style of a child.
Mario: 'I miss Ben.' You should have been nicer to him then!
Sad to see Josie bending to the John James and JJ hate mob. Still, it would be inevitable after a while, the way old crab eyes harps on.
Quorn sausages? Is Sam a veggie? Another reason to keep him in. It's what Morrissey would want.

Big Brother 11: Gunge-on Master

I've managed to avoid the nomination result, and what with Twitter, Facebook and other things hi-tech idiots rely on, it's been as hard as trying to avoid arseholes in London,
So will it change their nominations them having to do them in public (via a gunking)? I say yes. Wassup with Andrew? Doesn't wanna gunk Steve, methinks.
Dave STILL DOESN'T GET nomination rules. Still! He's been in there long enough.
Jo doesn't like how she's coming across, acting like she don't give a toss. Good time to play the 'I want to leave' card. Sympathy gunge?
Ooh Andrew did do Steve! Hehe! Corin, do JJ and John James!
How come Jo's wearing a shower cap? Cheat!
Notice Jo didn't do John James, despite her constant drubbing of him in recent weeks? SCARED. In fact no one has done him yet- reign of terror. That's probably what BB are after. Glad Josie did JJ despite the bromance.
Hold on, the last couple of people can just vote tactically! This is BS.
Sam did Dave and Corin; nice work.
John James and Josie got no votes! I'd have just done then at the end for the crack. No one wanted to nominate them to their face, just behind their backs, they just went for the easy options.
Dave is SUCH a sore loser. Such a bad, bad loser. Mario is also a terrible sport.
CAN WE GET DAVE OUT THIS WEEK? Pretty please?
Jo, how can you moan for people nominating you? You are carping about wanting to go! IDIOT BOX. Fuck off. Also, you didn't dare nominate John James when it counted. So you're also fake as well as a cliched old bore.
LOL Dave can't do save and replace. They are gunning for that god-bothering gimp this week. Not before time.
Sam just talked about noms too! I know the rules and I'm not in there. What's their excuse?
Mario, please win this task. They've set him up to win this one, surely. Come on Mario, fight like when you were in that little mole suit and we really loved you.
Dave is being so bitter and bloody-minded towards Mario lately, it makes me sick.
Mario kicked arse at that task! Oh no, he picked Sam. I don't want Sam to go.
Yay to Corin telling Dave to belt up. BB are gunning for Dave now. Give him as bad an edit as humanly possible and let's take out the trash.
Sam's t-shirt is cool. Keep him in.
John James giving Josie shit for picking JJ. It's HER nomination, not yours, crab eyes. John James is now pissed off that NO ONE VOTED FOR HIM! Come on! You really can't win.
OMG now even Dave is having a go at Josie! Leave it out, PLEASE!
Urgh it's hard to choose who I hate more, Dave or Jo, they are both so completely abhorrent.
Jo; 'you can never judge a book by it's cover... that's the kind of person I am... what's mine is yours.' Someone get this cunt a Christmas cracker.
Dave sulking to BB that they don't want him in there; call the Samaritans. Phone the union. Commit suicide. Yeah keep stuffing your face with that jam roly-poly, Dave, you little crybaby.
Sam giving Dave short shrift! Love it. Mario comparing Dave the Jesus. Well, Dave does turn water into whine. (sorry)

Big Brother 11: I can't bear Bisto

Sorry I'm late, I went to writing group tonight, and now I'm using those skills right here. Aren't you lucky? Corin's waist is TINY! None of them know what cougar is a euphemism for. I don't think Josie is much bigger than a 14, she's just pear-shaped. Dave is idiotic to say that to her. I don't think he said it with malice but he should know better.
Keever, why DIDN'T you put Dave up? Epic fail.
Who is the cougar? Davina, I reckon.
Corin's outfit makes me ashamed to be female. Superhero? Super sexist, more like. This task is perverse. I liked her stopping to put lipstick on. 'I don't give a shit if my eyebrows wipe off' as she snogs an ice-sculpture's waist.
Did Josie just say 'what's the matter with you, cunts?' I certainly hope so. They shouldn't put this dangerous shit into Josie's head about John James fancying her. It can only end in tears.
Since when did Corin like Ben?! I feel like I've missed something.
Love the fact Ben gets out first. He is so camp in those tiger pants.
Keeley HAS got a good arse. Wow. Four foot eleven! That's smaller than me. Loved Josie's comment of 'I wish she'd bugger off'. Funny! I'd like to drive that little blue car.
Mario: 'I'd better get back to my hos!' He needs to jerk off, for real. He's getting out of control. He'll be straight within the week.
Ife is such a shit stirrer. She is the one who pushed Shabby into telling Keever, and started that shit snowball. She's like Cilla Black gone wrong.
Alloy vera! That's what Desperate Dan uses for face cream.
Oh god, this whole Josie thing makes me feel terrified. She's going to get so hurt. The second she confesses she fancies him, he holds all the cards, and she loses her appeal. It's going to end up in a bloodbath.
Rachel looks quite good in that purple wig.
Urgh, that food looks like vomit.
As predicted, Ife sticks her claw in. Oh God, now Keever's going to tell him. John James isn't saying no! His crab eyes are on overtime.
Look at John James's bling! DOES he fancy her? Maybe it's one of those situations where he doesn't want to admit it because he's embarrassed to admit it in front of his friends. He could easily have shut that conversation down, but he prolonged it! Curiouser and curiouser...

Big Brother 11: Miffy Ife

That's weird they started the show with night time stuff. Steve is just showing off in front of his new girlfriend.
Ben is NOT a morning person. I don't like Dave and Keever's new-found friendship, it's sinister.
If Keeley is pocket poison, then Steve is a rat lapping that shit up.
Ife is not going to participate in the save and replace! Good. We can vote her out this week then.
Ben needs his beauty sleep! I reckon he needs at least ten hours.
What the FUCK is going on with Steve and Keeley? If I was his wife, I'd be worried. I feel like we've missed something. My boyfriend thinks they know each other. I'm glad she's brought out that side of him as he was doing less than fuck all before.
What's Corin come as; Michael Jackson? My boyfriend said she looks like she's decaying. I like Keever's hair today, she looks like a boy dressed up for a job interview. She's a feisty one!
I hope Keever saves herself! Shoot Ife! Shoot her dead. Or in the eye. Yay, she won! Love it.
Mario's up, so Ife's a goner. Can't believe Keever didn't put Dave up. That was a golden opportunity to get him out.
Ife must know she's fucked now. Mario's alright about it! He's all good. Honest. If she wanted to put up someone who was definitely safe, why didn't she choose Steve? Ah, Ife just said the exact same thing.
I like seeing the Nathan/ Ife/ Corin trilogy crumbling. It could EASILY have gone the other way. This show would be a disaster without Ben.
What is John James on about; I've never even seen him talk to Corin!
Mario is so desperate now I think he'd get off with Andrew given the chance. Aw, bless Andrew's never kissed a girl.
Mario you are not Big Brother! Stop setting secret missions. He is getting off on this. It's untoward.
You could just do anything in that house and pretend it's a secret task, just call everyone cunts and blame Big Brother.
John James not happy about Josie and Keever threatening to kiss! Who'd have thought it?
What is John James problem with Ben right now? He's mega grumpy.
Well, it's confirmed. Steve is a perv. So is my boyfriend who said 'don't you think Ben had a big packet?' !!!
Rachel looks creeped out. Steve is protesting too much! So are him and Keeley going to get off with each other or what? Blergh!

Big Brother 11: Chemical Cloche

Why is Steve mauling that young woman? He was lying on her yesterday, too. She must be delighted.
That Come Dine with Me dude seems even more irritating than usual! This first fifteen minutes have been boring as fuck. Can someone knock up some Krabby Patties, in that kitchen. If Big Brother had a brain, they'd make them cook some crab (eyes optional) and make them all walk sideways for the day.
Ooh Steve is bearing his teeth a bit! He's going to squash that pocket rocket by cuddling her to death.
Nominations (thank god). I'm glad the new housemates can't nominate! Ben: nominating Ife for a lack of humour is spot on. And he's nominating the war hero! For not being a team player... by snoring! He's not doing it deliberately.
Yay another nomination for Ife. Ife does like the sound of her own boring voice. The more Irish Keever comes, the more I like her.
Ooh, Keever's gold glittery hoodie is nice. I like her when she's being all cool and bitchy. Corin saying Keever didn't think about her decision to put Nathan up; I wouldn't have thought it required much thought. Idiot monkey face who pushed Shabby into leaving; done deal.
Dave is scared of Ife! It's probably because she's black. And Corin for a side of her he's not seen yet. Uh? Surely Keever would be the obvious choice for him.
Oh, Ife. I think a good rim job might do you good, love. BTW, stop nominating Ben.
Can't believe everyone's nominating Ife, I thought she'd slip under the radar for weeks. I like the way voting is going right now. Getting Nathan our was instrumental in this.
I'm surprised Josie and John James didn't get more nominations. Mario lays the blame squarely at Josie's feet (because he fancies John James).
Keeley is bringing out a new side of Steve; Steve under pressure, being nudged off his perch a bit. It reminds me of Vinnie Jones a bit; the confident daddy getting his feathers ruffled. But he also seems to have a soft spot for her; it's odd (but at least he's doing something interesting at last).
If you've never seen Come Dine With Me, you must think this part is really weird. It's really rubbish, either way.
Mario is so pious lately, I can see why he's getting on with Ife right now. He's giving it the whole 'I'm 28...' bullshit too. Mario doesn't know himself, in my opinion, he seems lost to me. Poor Andrew. You will feel joy in the Big Brother house... somehow.
First Steve starts crab-eye gate, and now he says Keeley has 'toad-like feet'. I hate to say pot kettle black but pot kettle black. Then he slapped her on the arse! WTF. Gross. I guess this is what new housemates are for; bringing out things in the old housemates you didn't expect.
Mario is so creepy. It's a shame as he's sexy and quite lovely (if a little boring) but he could sexualise a rotting corpse. I know they've been in there a while, but crikey.
Steve is like a dirty old man all of a sudden. It's gross. Let's see if Keeley likes that banter when it's him slobbering all over her in the night.
I hate to say it but I missed all the crab talk tonight. Pleased with the nominations though. Vote Ife.

Big Brother 11: Crabby Creek

Crab eyes! If I hear the words 'crab eyes' one more time I'm going to slice John James into crab sticks. Not that crab sticks have crab in them. What sort of insult is crab eyes anyway? It makes no sense. It's like something a five-year-old would say.
Aw, Andrew has a crush on Josie. Josie is the femme fatale in that house. Who'd have thought it? Andrew, they only like you because you're new, they're not actually going to get off with you.
Crab eyes count: 8
Josie is being HARD! I can't freeze people out like that, I just give up and go 'oh alright then' after ten minutes. I don't blame her though. It's hard because they're BOTH in the wrong in some ways. I know something; I don't want to hear about it all show.
Andrew shouldn't be able to talk about what the others look like on TV! I don't like it. The new housemates have unsettled her and now she's got the hump.
Oh Josie LEAVE IT OUT. You wouldn't let it lie. She's getting worse than John James for harping on about the same fucking thing. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets a few nominations after this, she's being an absolute tool.
John James bawling in the diary room! He's going to make her PAY for this shit. Do you know what, maybe he'll learn his lesson this time.
God gave Dave his virginity back. It's literally a miracle that more than one woman slept with him.
Josie is acting like Kevin the teenager. I can see why she's got her hood up. It's pathetic everyone intervening. I'd like to bang both their heads together.
I don't like hearing girls use the word pussy pejoratively, it makes me feel ashamed to be female.
John's packing up his old kit bag and checking the camera is watching. Just like when my boyfriend has a row with me and buggers off. Except he can't anymore. Cos he lives here! LOL.
Mario: 'you're not going are you?' as John James packs his bags. I like the way Mario uses everyone's vulnerability as an excuse for a quick perv. Bright Eyes wrote a song about this very conversation that said: 'Always so eager to pack my bags... when I really want to stay.' John is crying because he's lost his power over Josie. I like seeing a grown man cry. It's sexy.
Never has a truer word been spoken than Ben saying, 'John James can give it out but can't take it.'
John James manipulating Josie from the diary room! And she KNOWS it!
Josie is dealing with this situation SO badly. You can't laugh at John James, he will stab you in your sleep. Or pincer you.
Why can't she just back down and give him a fucking cuddle?
Big Brother is manipulating this situation quite well, making them have a giggle in the diary room. It's like they are the mummy tricking them into liking each other again.
Oh they're arguing again. Josie doesn't seem bothered if he goes. I reckon she'll nominate him tomorrow. I'd like to see a John James/ Josie head-to-head. I reckon old crab eyes would have it. Josie is showing a very unpleasant side to her personality. And the thing that tipped her over the edge was that chin comment. Girls do not like having their chins commented on! Believe me, I know.
NB to John James: a really good way to make people call you crab eyes for the rest of your life is to throw a tantrum about it that lasts 48 hours. I'm making my crab eyes banner as we speak.