Film: The Hunger Games (as reviewed by a Big Brother addict)

Warning: this review, like all reviews, contains spoilers. Don't ever read a review of anything before you watch it, or if you intend to watch one day in the future. The end. 
And let's continue. So I started reading The Hunger Games book but I couldn't really get into it, so I did what all sane people do and watched the film instead. I'd heard mixed reviews about the film, (it's for girls - oh how could they? - and it's for kids) so wasn't expecting much, but actually really enjoyed it.
I think my favourite thing about it as I've obviously been pining for Big Brother since CBB finished (although BBUS is still on for now!). The Hunger Games is basically just Big Brother in the woods, with murders. And what Big Brother wouldn't be improved by a few murders? There was a lot of dreary backstory in the book that I couldn't really get into; I felt like the film was just more straight in there, although they could have trimmed about 20 minutes off one side or the other (but where was the girl with the tongue cut out?)
In the book it seems like the main character Katniss is really into Gale, and I was pretty sure Peeta was her brother, but I obviously got that wrong. I didn't really get the sense of all the wackiness in the book, like the futuristic world with all the colours, but that could be my imagination at fault. It was like Whoville in there when you finally saw it.
In my head Prim was a lot more cute and innocent and Gale was more attractive; he looked like some dumb jock in the film. I wasn't very impressed with Peeta's casting either, he's described as 'very handsome' at one point, but he did nothing for me. Katniss was cast well, though.
Woody Harrelson turned up, and then I joked that the guy 'styling' Katniss was Lenny Kravitz; turned out it WAS Lenny Kravitz. Worse; I kind of fancied him. I went to my boyfriend, 'Who knew he could act when he's only got that one song, I wish that I could fly, so very high, like a dragon fly?' Turns out he has one more song, too. It does sounds very similar though, it will fuck me right up on SongPop.
Anyway, I digress. Lenny Kravitz was wearing Danica's gold eyeliner, and Woody Harrelson was in a bad wig, and there was another woman who was clearly crying out to be played by Tilda Swinton. 
So the premise, as you probably know, is 24 young people fight to the death - yes, just like in The Running Man and Battle Royale and so on. I thought there wasn't going to be much gore as it was a 12, but there was a reasonable amount. They didn't really let you get to know many of the others, so you weren't to sad to see them 'get it'.
There were so many comparisons to real life reality shows. The host was like a cross between Brian Dowling and Lionel Blair and quite realistically fake. I liked the fact they were all wearing outfits like in the Glass House. About ten of them were killed immediately, which was quite good.
Katniss's strategy was basically to sit in a tree and hide, or as my boyfriend put it, 'she's going from tree to tree, mixing.' Obviously, this doesn't last forever, and an alliance was formed against her, which contained her District mate and potential love interest Peeta. Luckily they didn't overdo the love story or this could have turned into Twilight; and nobody wants that, not even Kristen and R-Pattz anymore. There was a bit more of it towards the end, but it was just about stomachable (I think I made that word up).
The film reminded me of Cabin in the Woods in parts, and just like in the real Big Brother, I didn't like it when the producers tried to meddle with the show; shooting fireballs at the poor girl was hardly far was it? Leave it for the housemates to play it out. And then later those stupid lion things. What if it had killed all three of those left?
I did like the way when someone died it was announced on a screen and by a cannon going off; handy.
Katniss gets a bit of unexpected help from Rue, the cutest tribute on the block. I love it when the guy from Rue's district repays Katniss for looking after Rue later, during her trying to fight off a rather sadistic Sophie Webster lookalike.
There was even a hilarious 'twist' which allowed two people to potentially survive the game, which I could see Scott Hudson of the Big Brother Gossip show getting all narked with, I could almost hear him shouting at the 'producers' to keep the game 'pure'! 
Even I couldn't tell if the 'showmance' was 4 realz. When Katniss got the note to make the kiss more genuine, it was like Dan in BBUS getting his directions from the producers (come on, don't tell me he isn't - but don't tell me anything else either as I'm two behind). I think her heart is really with Gale, especially when she did that fake smile at the end. I sense trouble ahead with that one.
As for Donald Sutherland (not a fan of the underdog), I think he's going to do a Chenbot on them and make them go back 'into the house' next year, as they were such popular contestants. And not just as coaches. They think it's annoying when Jessie keeps turning up in BB US; they aint seen nothing yet. Either that or they'll send in Gale and Prim or a combination of all four.
So yeah, basically, I liked this film because it reminded me of Big Brother UK and US. And the main character was a feisty butt-kicking girl, not a drippy dead-eyed thing like in Twilight.
I shant be reading the other books but I will watch the films. Shockingly: even my boyfriend liked it! Now, just don't tell anyone I fancy Lenny Kravitz, for fuck's sake.

There's something about Josie: 'I don't even know what a gastric band is'

I'm already despairing about having to watch another episode of this, I'm not even slightly in the mood for John James's BS. And why are the credits so gaudy? It's like looking at an copy of Real People magazine.
I just fast forwards through the boxing bit. I think I'd rather watch that boxing claptrap in Eastenders. This modelling thing is dull as fuck, too. God, I think I'd be better off watching Kerry Katona. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH THIS?
Ah, the Josie and John James dress up as Peter and Jordan OK magazine photoshoot. I actually bought that one. I wonder why she doesn't want to play dress up. I seem to recall some angry little man in the Big Brother house calling someone a whore for the mere idea of appearing in a magazine shoot. WEIRD. I wonder why Josie is so upset about dressing up as a couple who have split up. Because she knows their relationship is doomed, obviously.
Josie is being a diva. Even John James is being more reasonable than her. It's like the magazine editors are taking the piss out of them. The whole show just feels sneery. I know they're asking for it. I know they're getting paid for it. But it's still just unpleasant to watch.
Ugh the way they are talking to each other is disgusting. If you're calling each other names and shouting at each other, it's not a relationship. Sure everyone argues, but you still have to have respect for your partner. They have none.
Ah now they're arguing about the 'he forced me to have an abortion' magazine cover. I can see why crabby is annoyed about that as it does look like it was him that said it. Mind you, it's not Josie's fault what lies they stick on the front.
Oh the dulcet Australian and Bristolian accents arguing. Magical.
Creepy fans! Ugh. Why do people want to be famous? I couldn't think of anything worse. Having to speak to freaks everywhere you go. I'd rather have anonymity than any millions.
God, I'd hate to go out with a moody so-and-so like John James. I can't STAND moody men. WTF why is JJ acting as go between. JJ is so fucking ugly he makes me want to vom. I'd rather have sex with a boiled egg than that boring cunt.
Was that hotel 'luxury'? I've seen better in the before section of The Hotel Inspector.
Thank God Josie chucked that thing out. He's like an emotional vampire. I've been in that situation where I've been out with someone I thought was so good-looking that I let them get away with murder. It's really not worth it. No, really.
Yeah, the fans are right, Josie sure is 'bubbly'. Why are all their 'fans' middle-aged women?! Why is JJ signing things at Josie's perfume signing? Get off that bandwagon, you fucking leech.
It's so sad and pathetic hearing them arguing about their looks. Josie should have stayed having a laugh with her mates. I think Josie would be better off just moving back to Bristol and being near her family. Fame aint all it's cracked up to be; just ask Chantelle.
John James is an emotionally abusive POS. I've seen his kind a million times before. I bet you a million times he's useless in bed, too. In fact I bet you a ZILLION pounds he's one of those guys who won't go down on a girl. I'd bet my fucking LIFE ON IT. HE IS A MISOGYNIST.
Whippet? Postcode? WTF sort of argument is this?! How embarrassing having an argument like that on camera. Where's your dignitas?
I think that disgusting flat is sucking the life out of them. It's like the dullest hotel room on the planet.
LOL look at that scarf John James is wearing. And the earring! Stop calling her a cunt, you nasty little fucker. Woman-hating little closet case. I bet JJ is shitting himself now because his two meal tickets are warring. Better go back to Aston Merrygold and leech off him instead.

There's something about Josie

Big Brother recap! John James and Josie have split up. He had his crab eyes on something skinnier. They're now rowing on Twitter. Hardly Romeo and Juliet, is it? I'm only surprised they didn't stay together longer for the money/ tv show.
Josie actually gets right on my nerves these days. Her whole shtick seems 100% contrived, just like that relationship was.
I hate it when people tell me something is 'every girl's dream'. It's not MY dream to have my hair and make up done and go in OK magazine with a misogynistic prick by my side, thanks very much.
Ugh, their flat is so grim. It looks like a council block. Overlooking the Thames? No thanks. I'd rather overlook a scrapyard.
Oh, John James. What a strange little man he is. Vain, yet incredibly insecure. Not a good combination.
Oh god, they had a 'love contract' to change three things about each other. No wonder their relationship went down the dumper. When you love someone you don't want to change things about them. You just love all of them. Their relationship makes the Kerry Katona/ Mark Croft union look like it had potential.
I hate Josie's 'I'm stupid' act, too, like that's something to be proud of. It isn't. Go read a book.
Wow, that was an exciting segment, with Josie picking a venue for a partyzzzzzzzzzzz. Uh, JJ! That cunt should do the right thing and disappear into obscurity just like Stuart and Dale (Stale!) and his ilk before him. Probably the dullest Big Brother contestant since Imogen Thomas.
I wonder why John doesn't like socialising with people (because he's a prick and will probably say somethign stupid).
The thing that strikes me most is what a sad, empty life they are living (all three of them). It just seems completely nothingy. Just clinging to the wreckage of z-list fame.
OMG that club where John James and JJ are DJing looks like HELL ON EARTH.
UGH get JJ off my screen! USELESS. The worst kind of Big Brother contestant, allegedly 'good looking' but devoid of personality. Channel 5, take note, we don't need any of these this series. At least John James was complex. No, really, he was!
Josie is braver than I modelling that fancy dress on TV.
LOL to John James saying how much Josie's present cost (£800). How very romantic (I mean, crass). I bet it still wasn't as much as those bloody decks.
It's so OBVIOUS that JJ HATES Josie and would never talk to anyone like her 'in real life' or in any other circumstances other than her letting him take the piss out of her by staying in their flat. I HATE HIM. HATE!
It's like John James is just playing at having a relationship. I think Josie would make a fun girlfriend for someone like her; sociable, carefree, boozy, outgoing. John James is not any of those things. Some blokes would find her really sexy, too. If they weren't gay, that is.
I actually thought she looked quite good in the white dress! Ugh, Sam Pepper. And Andrew! Remember him? No?
Josie looks like she's having such a good time at that party. I admire someone who throws themselves into a party to that extent, I'm too reserved to have that much fun.
I like the fact John James is just completely ignoring her obnoxious behaviour! It sucks when you're trying to enjoy yourself and you've got some miserable boyfriend on your back; I've been there.
LOL John in bed with JJ AGAIN. This is beginning to look like a habit. Fuck me, she looks worse for wear!
Is this show a series? How will they sustain interest once crab eyes goes back to Oz? The truth is, Josie's just not that interesting. Also, have you noticed how these reality people (Kerry, Jordan, Josie) never actually have any mates in their show? It's sad, really.
I'm STILL surprised he walked rather than be on TV. Because it was ALL about the fame for John James. Don't ever forget that.