Friday, 26 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear-time (This aint what I came for)

As Bear came sliding down the banister...
Just watched the live feed cue cards/ fake sleep scandal and it really is shocking (if you haven't see it, they fake going to bed so Big Brother can film a fake schmaltzy goodnight, then they all get up again. If I'd been watching that on live feed I think I would have keeled over with shock. I actually believed the show was still real. I know, what a mug. I can be gullible, though. Earlier in the show they also made them all 'sit on a mark' while they did a voiceover. Frankie even said 'it's our last night at work.' AT WORK. I HATE hearing the Big Brother voice (ie. Ted) telling them to brush their teeth and get a good night's sleep. It is completely at odds with the concept of Big Brother. Hate, hate, hate.
I think Big Brother lost a lot of viewers today (two of my friends told me they were never watching again), and I don't think the inevitable Bear win is going to help matters.
My predictions of the order are Bear to win, Frankie, Ricky, Marnie, Renee, Aubrey (out first).
After looking hot the other night, Emma is looking rough again. Mismatched black top and navy trousers: no. Unflattering as fuck. Her lovely hair looks shit as well.
Frankie's doing some great journeying: 'Shine bright like a Frankie and when people throw shade, shine brighter.' I liked Bear's two fingers to BB.
Highlights package to the song 'This is what you came for' despite it being NOT what I came for, quite the opposite, actually. No final supper. No two by two evictions. Do we have to sit through six individual interviews? *pours more wine*
Bear would describe Big Brother in one word as 'fishtank'. It must be two words as I'm getting the red underline, but I'd OK it if I was sub-editing Bear's journey.
Aubrey and Marnie both look gorgeous. I like Aubrey's pastel hair.
OMG Frankie out sixth. I was surprised, but not as much as he was. I LOVED the way he came out of the house with a sprinkle of glitter. Fabulous. He was working it.
Frankie: 'I don't understand how the voting works.' Emma: 'People vote for who's the most popular.' LOL. I guess Ariana doesn't have as much clout as she hoped.
Frankie: 'My fan base is predominantly in America.' And your mind. I love Frankie talking strategy and BBUS! Next up, BB Allstars! Yes. I bet he'd just go back to being an uber cunt again, lol.
I thought Frankie was good in that interview. He's very professional. Bye, our Frank. Frankie asked about Bear in the interview AND Bear was mentioned in his best bits. Bear, bear, bear. What's the opposite of a subliminal message?
Is Aubrey getting booed?! Why! I'm embarrassed for my country. Aubrey mentioned Bear so Emma didn't have to. What is the crowd on? Aubrey was fine. Didn't Tiffany come out in a similar position?
Marnie out next! The Geordie wins are OVER. Yes. Although she's more entertaining than Ricky and nicer than Renee.
Lewis, stop doing loveheart hands. Not for adults. Marnie: 'Bear deserved to win, he's put on a good performance.' Enough said.
My internet has given up the ghost, just like my enthusiasm. This has been a struggle, emotionally, technology-wise, everything. It's all gone wrong.
Ugh, Big Brother is so fake ass. Talking of fake ass, here's Renee out next! The top American dog. Renee: 'My agent and my son are going to be so proud of me.' Priorities. Renee is annoyed she didn't have her Xanax. Yeah, they med you up on BBUS  On CBB they confiscate Lauren Harries sleeping tablets.
There's a lot of glitter on the evictees tonight. Even Emma has glittery eye shadow on.
Honestly, though, how did Fatboy make it to the final 2. He's done NOTHING. He wouldn't even eat that century egg. Trying to scrape together Fatboy's best bits will be like panning for gold in Antarctica.
No holding hands and shit for Bear and Ricky. They couldn't be further apart on the couches.
So Bear won! No shit. Bear should come out riding the zebra. Thought he wasn't even gonna hug Fatboy for a minute then. Say what you like about him - it was a fix, he was a cunt - it's true, but he still deserved it more than them. And he made me laugh. Also, the super obvious ending will hopefully make Endemol etc take a good hard look at themselves and sort out this car crash / joke of a season. Bear even told us to vote for him at the start! Take heed.
I loved Fatboy coming out and spraying aftershave on. It looked like Old Spice though. Task swerver! He could have won if he'd just eaten that century egg. Maybe.
I like the fact Bear had no eviction outfit, bragged about being in the house on his own and then went 'you should have put your money on me.'
I like the way Bear exited the house, cuddling the zebra, posing and then going down the banister. That was cool! Three good exits tonight, all from men!
I like Bear's 'Bear to win' sash also. 'Honestly, I feel great, I knew I was going to win it.' So cocky, lol. It would be great to have that much self confidence though. I admire it.
I love Bear giving Emma shit. I am annoyed with her being rude to him when he's won. Have some respect for your winner. You created that monster.
Emma can't handle him! Mentioning the window smashing but Bear deflecting. They could have ejected him if they were that bothered. The fact is, they want lowest common denominator housemates. The trouble will be trying to get people to sign up to future CBBs.
Bear: 'I'm a good diffuser of situations.' Emma: 'You're a professional wind up merchant.' True.
Emma: 'Couldn't you have broken up with your girlfriend?' Bear: 'Couldn't you have worn a red dress?' Good comeback.
Bear's best bits were too short! He had loads. Is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts to advertise Ex on the Beach on the sly? I'm surprised they didn't plug it in the ad breaks they're so shameless.
Emma put up a good fight with Bear but he won.
People on Twit moaning about Bear cheating on his girlfriend etc. Who gives a fuck? What is he, a woman? Did he entertain me? Yes. The end. Was a crap series and we got the winner we deserved.
And you know what the funniest part was? They didn't even show the goodnight section in the end. So you just blew the edifice of your show apart for NOTHING.
Now Big Brother needs to take a long hard look at itself and work out what to do next. I don't have to blog this shit, or pod this shit. Give us the show we deserve, or fuck off. I'm getting too old for this crap, really. I promote your show. Can you make it worthwhile?
PS: Thanks for reading and all the support. I appreciate it. Let me know what you thought of the final in the comments or on Twit. See you soon - one way or another!

Thursday, 25 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear, stop being a moron

Following maskgate and Bear vs Audrey it will probably be a quiet show today. I liked that argument yesterday! It seemed genuinely vitriolic AND they actually showed some of it on the live feed. Who knew?
Renee's back on the Bear hate train. I don't see why she ever came off it. Frankie is the 'UN'. The united colours of Frankie-ton. Marnie has done NOTHING since Lewis went. Airtime deficit.
Bear is rehashing Aubrey saying that CBB is going to be his biggest ever achievement. Him: 'It is!' Haha. I like the Madison Square Gardens/ double platinum scoffing. Know your limits! It's true though, why is Aubrey there if she's so rich and famous?
Would you trust Bear to make you beans on toast? I like his little cut out lovehearts. I would so forgive him and I don't even eat beans on toast. Renee is not impressed. She is a serious grudge holder. I can hold a grudge for about two hours, tops.
Oh Fatboy is in the UN with Frankie. Multi-cultural. UK arm in arm with USA. Marnie is gaming in the diary room about her mum. 'She'd be so proooooooud of me!' Yes your shitting during sex story really touched her.
Renee: 'I hope that someone teaches Bear a good lesson. Like the kind of people I know.' DEATH THREAT. POW POW POW. Remember when you got thrown out for that shit? It seems antiquated now. Big Brother doesn't get that we LIKE IT when they enforce the rules, and especially FAIRLY. It's like with parents and kids, we need boundaries, or we run amok (like Bear)
Please stop singing, housemates. Aubrey is 'showing off her talent' to take down Bear. Shame her talent is caterwauling.
Frankie wants everyone to be nice. Good luck with that. Renee won't give Bear any food. It's not Renee's food, is it? Bear wants a jam sandwich. Do you want spit with that?
The 'at home with the housemates task' looks funny. The name could be catchier though. I liked Frankie basically doing eek or chic and calling Renee an oompa loompa. Bear's style gets 10/10. Bear: 'Yes, I'm trendy!' Them on Frankie's hosting: 'He does it for a living.' No, he lives off his sister.
Renee comparing Bear to cancer. A low blow. Fatboy's hosting is crap.
I love the fact Marnie didn't even recognise Lewis's voice. How romantic. Is this the new letters from home? Frankie on James's call: 'He's adorbs.' Saira on the phone! 'Bear, stop being a moron.' Wellll.
Bear has got either ADHD or actressing-itis.
Why has Renee got that huge Maggie Thatcher handbag in the house? I don't recall ever seeing a handbag in the BB house before, ever. Why is she ruining the last couple of days? Renee calling everyone phony. Relax. You're nearly free. Do you think Renee is gonna have Bear bumped off after the show? I hope so. Otherwise, she looks like a mega pussy.
Renee's neck vein popping out as she compares Bear to chewing gum and cancer. Calm down, dear. She needs her meds. Aubrey was actually being a decent friend to her, there, and then led her into the garden like her carer.
Award ceremony! Just give it all to Bear. Marnie is having to choose most deserving winner. It's Frankie! He's crying! LOL. Frankie has cooked and cleaned. Who cares?! That's not entertaining.
I liked Bear stealing Frankie's 'most entertaining' sash, cos Bear is more entertaining.
Bear and Renee making up for airtime at the end. I wish I cared, but that storyline is more worn out than Jason and Charlie's nomance.
So who do you want to win? I believe Bear deserves it the most, as he's carried the series, but I won't vote for him on the grounds of the Ex on the Beach/ MTV murkiness. I would like Frankie to win as I have money on him. Other than that, I couldn't care less. Don't vote. Don't give them money, it only encourages them.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Page three hurl

Hair apparent
You may notice I haven't blogged for a couple of days cos I'm so fed up with CBB. The Christmas task was a new low, literally anti-entertainment. I have friends (the few who are left who still watch) saying, fuck this shit. It's embarrassing. I don't know how they can justify putting such substandard material out.
Katie 'wow' Weasel really put on a show last night, didn't she? What a mental case, having a go at Frankie for doing the exact same thing she did (nominating her/him!) And then going 'GIMME THE MONEY!' What a psycho. You don't get the money if you walk, bitch.
OMG Emma's hair looks damn good tonight. I'm serious! Not sure about the liquorice allsorts dress, though. I also like Bear's slicked back hair. I love the fact he always looks different. It's called being entertaining.
Frankie n Katie: 'You have to be made of sterner stuff to play Big Brother.' Yes, it's Big Brother, not Big Baby.
Truth hiders! Not as good as trouble risers. Frankie: 'Katie's scrambling.' Frankie's subject changing when Katie walked in the room there was masterful! What a true gamer. Hats off to that, I've not seen such seamless subject changing since me and my friend Lee used to gossip in the kitchen when we worked for Samaritans.
I want to go to Bear's beach club. 'We had to fire the penguins, give them their P45.' He does make me laugh, he's especially good in the diary room.
Frankie for Big Brother Norway! Yes. Aubrey thinks Katie and Sam will go tonight! I pray she's right.
Is Bear's beach club a task or just one of Bear's projects? Bear actually looks quite... smart.
Sex questions! Bear has jerked off in the shower: what would Alex Sibley say? Marnie has pooed on someone in bed. Why am I not surprised? Geordie Shore is obsessed with scat. Fatboy is 'not a gentleman in the bedroom'. My, my! Finally I'm interested in him! I knew he had to have SOMETHING going for him.
Does Frankie have any t-shirts without a hashtag on? Sam's rap and Aubrey's caterwauling. Christ.
Bear's striptease was fun. Frankie enjoyed it!
EVERYONE got booed except Marnie. WHY! Sam looked shocked when she got booed! Ha.
OMG it's Katie and Sam evicted in the two by two. That was the right result! Yes! They look quite co-ordinated in their black and white. Bear is being ungracious as usual. Did Sam say she didn't want to hold hands with Katie? Mean.
Emma: 'Is it nice to come out together?' No it isn't. I don't actually think they should ever do two by two evictions. I think people deserve their own eviction and to get their own eviction song. Remember when that was a thing and it mattered? I know, I'm old school.
Emma calling Katie out for being a hypocrite over the Frankie nom thing.
Sam looks sooooo peeved. I love it. OMG she's talking about being abused by Bear and being nearly blinded by him. Emma's like: 'moving on.'
Sam is so aggrandising, trying to blame the edit etc. She is mega passive aggressive. 'You never showed him trying to blind me!' This is getting a bit awkward. It's not Emma's fault what they show and don't show.
Emma is actually handling this quite well for once. Sam's body language is atrocious. She's being proper snitty. Sam is blaming the edit left right and centre! 'You probably didn't show it' again. How does she know?! Why so bolshy?! Relax. She's right though, I'm sure they would never have shown Bear trying to blind her, haha. Medic!
Katie saying 'Marnie' to win just cos she heard the cheers. Desperate. I would have liked to have known why she fell out with Ricky!
Interesting at the end when Bear was upset that Sam took his mask (I assume it was his swingers mask that he wears with his feather boa). I like watching the others faces when Bear kicks off.
Anyway, it was the right result tonight. Bear will win 100% but if you're so inclined, please chuck a vote on Frankie as I will win £130 if he wins!
By the way, if you're missing the sound of my voice (understandable) check out the latest episode of Sistah Speak, which they kindly asked me to guest on. We talk CBB and BB18. It was a lot of fun, although there is a conversation regarding hair removal that I thought was off the record! Haha. Listen here!

Friday, 19 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Squad (own) goals

This has been the cheapest season on CBB ever for me as I haven't spent a penny voting, because I hate everyone. So I've saved about £3.50. There's your bright side. Well, mine.
I like Emma's top and hair but not the work trousers. I like the fact Bear has different hair every single day. Today he's bleach blonde. He will 100% win. The game is over already. Don't think his ex going in yesterday was a coincidence. He is promoting a programme where exes turn up unexpectedly. It doesn't take Inspector Winston or DI Dan to do that maths. It's product placement taken to the nth degree. Who's the real doughnut? Us, of course.
It's cruel to put people's dogs in the house. James: 'I prefer dogs to humans.'I prefer anything to humans. Llamas, unicorns, it's all happening under the banner of animal cruelty.
Daisy May (James's dog) is all about the airtime. Cute, though! Nice to see him with his dog. Good to have a pet with a double barrelled name, too. Classy.
Lewis taking phone calls in what looks like Michelle Bass's old bedsit is good practice for when he works in a call centre, right? (Too easy).
Frankie got a message from his sister Ariana saying he's 'fan favourite.' What? Britain's favourite player! Who knew? He's going to get a shock when he comes out to a shrug a bit like Bear gave his boot-faced old girlfriend yesterday during the 'am I being funny mummy' task.
It's good to know the nation is embarrassing itself in front of a pop princess, though. What must she think of us? (Mind you, what do we think of her, hating America and having Frankie as a brother?) Just kidding, I like Frankie now. In comparison to these other people, anyway.
How come everyone gets nice things except Bear (oh, so he wins cos of the sympathy vote, got you). Lewis going on about 'the one'. Shut up. Another failed shopping task. They just lob the shopping across the garden anyway. I feel like we've not really seen the housemates starving this year, unfortunately.
Renee's letter: don't care. Bear sulking: don't care. Lewis giving Katie a pep talk: don't care.
Sam going on about her fans again. 'I gave Page 3 girls a voice.' What voice was that? That little box where it tells you what their hobbies are? 'Sam, 50, loves wine and bragging.'
Not sure about giving blowjobs getting rid of your double chin, I suppose shoving a dick in your mouth is less calories than an ice cream (although there's some calories in spunk, right?) Why is Renee always going on about blowjobs? Aubrey has been 'slowing down' giving blowjobs to her gross boyfriend. Renee: 'Put that shit on the counter for a daily chore.' On the counter? WTF? If blowjobs were on my chore list, they'd deffo beat washing up and hoovering. I'd tick blowjobs off first.
Do the housemates know it's a double eviction? It's better when they don't.
Katie is annoyed that Lewis said she just follows others around. Well, she does. She's bugging the crap out of me, actually.
Don't feel THAT sorry for Bear having a one man pity party. 'I'm the only genuine person here.'
Sam doing her coming out story on eviction night. Frankie trying to one up with his coming out story (including his famous sister).
Lewis is giving Katie more BS: 'I don't want to see you as some second place schmuck.' Lewis: 'Look in this mirror and say 'I like myself.' Calling people 'princess' again. Stop that.
I like Bear's pink heart on the side of his head (chic!) Lewis getting some boos, yesss. Aubrey is in some naughty nurse gear. There's a lot of pale pink going on.  Bear's on the zebra again. I was told on Twitter I'm not allowed to find Bear entertaining tonight. How can you decide what OTHER people find entertaining? I actually don't find ANY of them entertaining, but Bear more entertaining in comparison to everyone else, who aren't entertaining me whatsoever.
SAFE from eviction is FATBOY. Nar! I thought it would be Bear. Katie must be fuming after she turned on Fatboy in the week. Who would vote to save Fatboy? He's pointless! Ooh, Emma told them it's a double eviction.
I wonder if they're going out hand in hand? Hope so! Lewis getting boos. Ha.
Bear is actressing big time! He's not sitting on his mark on the couch! Off he goes on his zebra again.
Lewis is out! YESSSSS! And JAMES! OMG. Double trouble. Wish it had been Sam but pleased to see Lewis go. And before James as well, ha. Did James diffuse some of Lewis's boos? That's the trouble with the two by two. You don't get the true boo picture.
The double interview, worse than the double exit. Thank god we don't have to watch the PDAs anymore. I'm glad Marnie outlasted Lewis.
Lewis: 'I quit TV because I was coming across as a bit of a douche.' Um. You can file that under 'This week's CBB in a nutshell.'
Lewis on Marnie: 'I feel like I've done six months with her.' Sounds like a prison sentence.
Lewis wants a woman like his mum: creepy! He's obsessed with his mummy. I hope I never see him again; not even on the front of the magazine (deal).
James thinks Bear can be an 'amazing asset to this country' writing and directing. OK then.
James is off back to Mrs W and Daisy May. Sounds like a good sitcom. James thought BB was going to be 'easy money'. Why is Emma digging him out about chucking coffee over Bear? Who gives a fuck. Don't apologise, James.
Joint best bits. Squad goals!
An hour and a half show and my blog is short as fuck. This show is dead. When does it end? I'm ready to go back to sleep for the winter.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Sam Foxxed

GinaMarie is looking well
Heavy D wakes up for his last morning with a squawk. Bear's hair is getting stupider by the day. Lewis is in the David Gest suite to cool down (hope it's had a wipe down). Marnie is telling off Bear as she might not to get to spend 'a last night with him.' Boo woo.
Frankie is becoming a bit of a DR warrior, which suits me. 'The root of all evil is Bear.' Weeeeelll. Yeah, he is.
Lewis on Marnie: 'Has she got the hump with me?' I hope Frankie takes that as a phrase back to America.
I like seeing them drink tea out of glasses. We used to drink tea out of pint glasses when I was younger. That was a lot of tea, and a lot of card games played to decide who should make the tea.
Lewis on Bear: 'He's got zero readies.' At least he's got a personality and doesn't just deal in inspirational quotes and cliches.
Bear KNOWS he's gonna win this!
Ha, Heavy D starting on Katie. Funny. She is offensively inoffensive. Heavy D: 'You're playing the sympathy card.' For what, having a hooker granny?
Heavy D: 'Why are you even here?' Katie: 'Cos I was paid too, more than you.' That's a low blow.
Heavy: 'You're an X Factor reject, love.' Bear laughing into his shirt, haha. Heavy: 'I'm current!' You think Fatboy would stick up for his fellow fencesitter.
Don't bring being a woman into it, Katie. Desperate. You were the one telling him to fuck off. OMG at 'My grandma is more famous than you.' What a great comeback! He was trying to go there, so she just took it there. Nice one. She is now officially more interesting than Fatboy.
Katie is now going the full nine yards with the grandma story. Great journeying! True gamer. OMG you watched porn with your gran in it! My eyes.
Katie swearing while going 'you can't speak to women that way.' You can't have it both ways, Katie, stop. You can stand up for yourself, clearly, don't bring your vag into it.
Fatboy needs to one up Katie with his sex web cam dope smoking tales now. Still not as good strategy as a porno grandma, though, so he can't win.
Renee telling Fatboy he needs to 'be a man' ie. be violent. Shut up, Renee. Nothing wrong with being mild mannered (in general, just makes for a boring housemate).
Feels like they're showing more of a variety of people tonight. Bear is right though, lot of people slipping through the net in there. FLOATERS.
Ugh Lewis being pleased Heavy D went and he was safe. Gross.
Face to face noms time! Bring it. It's kind of sad we don't get to hear the reasons they would nominate Bear for each week, isn't it? It does force them to put Lewis up each time, though, so oh well.
Aubrey nommed James and Lewis. James nommed Lewis (for being a threat) and Marnie (for being a threat).
Sam nommed James for saying 'she looked very old' and Lewis. Katie nommed James and Ricky. WHAT! Ricky over Lewis and Marnie?! WTF. WHAT HAPPENED. What did I miss!?
Renee nommed James and Ricky!The fencesitting is failing!
Ricky nominated James and Lewis. (No one ever nominates Frankie, ha)
Bear nommed Sam for bringing NOTHINK. He's right. I hate Sam, she's so sour. And Fatboy! Yes. On point!
Marnie nommed James and Frankie (what!!) Frankie nommed James and Lewis (as he detests violence).
Ooh Lewis nommed Sam and Aubrey! Interesting. Hope Sam goes. Is she off her face?
James, Lewis, Ricky and Sam on the block with Bear. Ricky could go. Sam is a sore loser! So you're on the block, deal with it. Entitled cow.
Will be funny if Sam and Fatboy go, as they're so righteous.
Sam is confident she's a good person and has a fanbase. GOOD PERSON. Self proclaimed feminist icon, unless she looks down on you for getting YOUR boobs out because you're not her.
Lewis in the DR wearing a pinstripe suit for no reason: 'You cannot judge a man in times of comfort and convenience.' Say what? Save it for the the magazine deal. 'Like sand in a man or woman's hand.' I proper laughed. What an absolute bellend. He is an almighty douchelord. Like, I don't even believe he's real. That's not a person.
I liked Aubrey calling Bear 'Beaver.' Good one! Why IS Renee not up! Boo.
The Americans in the DR. Frankie: 'Team America.' Haha. Renee wants to keep it interesting by keeping Bear in. Make your mind up! Frankie not so sure.
What is Bear counting? That's what got Da'vonne in trouble in BBUS last year. Bit of a weak ending. It did feel a BIT more balanced tonight, though. Too little, too late?

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Boom-in-laterz

Boomtown Twats
Who would vote to save any of these cunts? No, really? I'm saving at least £3.50 this series of CBB as I despise everyone. Most unrootable cast ever. At least McGiff's season had Abz and the swan apple for a bit of light relief. Someone's been let loose with the crazy colours hairspray! Wooo! Rebels.
Lewis now changing his tune and telling Bear he's on his side. Make your mind up! You were pissing and moaning about him yesterday. Bear is right, there is a reason they put Lewis up. He's an arse.
Lewis giving Marnie a motivational speech about 'targets' and then saying, 'you're lovely and so am I.' Then going on about the media. Blah! Transparent. Even Marnie, who is half cretin, must see through this shit.
I hate Sam Fox now, by the way. Saw her on live feed being a sanctimonious cow, and also using two face wipes simultaneously to take her make up off (wasteful). She thinks she's king of the world in that house, and I'm fed up with her 'family friendly' slutshaming. Wasn't there a countdown to you being able to get your boobs out when you were 16? Fuck off, hypocrite.
Ha, Aubrey forgot Fatboy was even a man in the house. Aubrey: 'There's something wrong with Heavy D more than his personality.' I agree. His looks, his dress sense, his use of the English language.
I like Heavy D not knowing Aubrey's name after all this time. I kind of like his bleached eyebrows, too. I'm calling chic!
Frankie's impressions in the diary room are fair to middling. Mind you, I can't talk.
Why is Lewis always talking in management speak? He's like a mini David Brent. He looked disgusted at the thought of being in Geordie Shore, like TOWIE is Downton Abbey or something. 'I don't want to be on TV.' Aubrey: 'Why are you here then?' 'So I can buy my mum a house, that's why, princess.' Patronising cunt. I'd knock his teeth out for that shit. I'm glad Aubrey was quizzing him. She sees right through his BS.
Renee to Marnie: 'Don't give up your day job.' Good advice.
Haha, Aubrey telling Marnie that Lewis had a girlfriend already. LOL. She's on form tonight.
Marnie confronting him then Heavy D taking the piss, haha. I like Bear laughing at it. No loyalty! Lewis: 'I'm a 26 year old man.' At what age do you stop saying your age in arguments? I think about 13?
Lewis being an aggressive prick as usual. Notice when Lewis and Heavy D square up to each other, Big Brother says NOTHING. Only when Lewis 'dashes bare water' (t.m. Aisylene) in Heavy D's face do they say anything.
Lewis: 'I stood my ground in front of my girlfriend.' 26? He comes across like he's 12. He's a total numpty. What a total gimp.
Bear appreciates a fellow trouble riser in Heavy D more than his 'friend' Lewis. I'm like that, if someone makes me laugh, I don't give a fuck who's side they're on. They made me laugh, they win.
Lewis getting a warning for saying 'you're a big fat pussy, son.' Ha. Oh and messing with the fixtures and fittings. This Big Brother isn't that stern. A formal and final warning. But we can't kick you out yet, because you're up for eviction.
Ha, Bear is getting cheers, LOL! WTF Lewis is getting cheers! Why! Hold on, Renee is getting cheers!? Everyone is getting cheered, and everyone is an arsehole. Go figure.
I like Bear riding the zebra agog when Heavy D went. ROOTHLESS! I liked him running up the stairs to say goodbye, too.
Heavy D's underpants attire is quite good. Emma giving him a strong tell off. Come on, he's pretty harmless. Relax, Emma.
Heavy D: 'These people are coasting and trying to get an easy paycheck. I'm making them earn their money.' Totally agree!
Heavy D was trying to ride the middle. I liked him calling himself a 'loveable rogue' and saying 'there's a bit of Heavy D in everyone.' Blergh!
At least Heavy D can go squawk in the morning in peace now.
When they advertise Ex on the Beach in between Big Brother, it does make you think they're lining up a Bear win, doesn't it? But is Bear a good advert for that show? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Cos we don't watch that shit. And soon: maybe not this shit either.
Just kidding, we'll always watch it. Ha!

Monday, 15 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Gameplan first, money second

Jam doughnuts
School task! It's just an opportunity to put Bear in a dunce hat, isn't it? Will he wear it better than Dappy? 'What you gonna tell your daughter?' etc. I bet Bear doesn't have any A levels like Dappy.  Or was it just GCSEs? I forget.
Fatboy has been perfectly cast as head boy, cos he's already like the school monitor/ swot. Aubrey is HBIC: head bitch in charge. Or head bimbo in charge if you're sexist (which I'm not).
I can imagine this is JUST what Bear was like at school. A fucking nightmare. He's ruining the task, ha. Why put in a task which encourages bullying/ behaving like brats. Well, I know why, but. Don't be surprised when it all kicks off!
Sam Fox used to charge 10p for kisses. Prostitute! Was selling her body from a young age (I'm just kidding, for those with a sensitive disposition).
What has Bear got against coffee?! He's a chronic coffee spiller. I fucking hate coffee, so I don't care. He should destroy someone's cigarettes, then we'll really see how much self-restraint people have. Fatboy is LOVING being in charge.
Bear has less respect for tasks than Gemma Collins. I still hate the GC more, though. I'm still surprised no one has strangled him yet.
I like Bear mis-remembering the rules in the DR (sorry, headmaster's office). How do you handle him?! I have no idea. Big Brother clearly doesn't, either.
Lewis would 'fight a shark' for Marnie. Can we book the aquarium now, cos I'm sure we'd shift some tickets, it'd be a bigger seller than his TOWIE boxing match mess (I only even know about that cos someone sent me the clip). He's an 'adrenaline junkie' or a coke head, as Bear would call it.
James is apologising to Aubrey for nominating her. Who cares? 'Mrs W' as he calls his wife, sounds like something out of a sitcom. She probably doesn't even exist.
Life drawing class! How long before Bear assaults one of the models? I actually quite like his art. Not so much is petty intimidation tactics, though. I was on board with him a couple of days ago, he's grinding my gears a bit today. 
Fatboy said Bear has been using his 'third eye'. Excuse me?
I like the little school hall set up they've got going on. I love them trying to to make Heavy D say boom by playing songs with that word in. Great idea! Did you see Lewis's dancing, by the way? He looked like an estate agent 'throwing shapes' at the Christmas party. And Frankie Grande enjoying himself in the mirror? God, why did I bet money on him to win?
The yearbook bit was a bit cringe. Katie most likely to make people laugh? Have I missed something? Most likely to shout at people in an American accent then run off for a cry, more like.
Lewis: 'I would never do a spin off show.' What else have you got going on?! You're no Josie and John James, are you? You don't even have any decks. 'Love first, money second.' Why is he saying this shit? It's like when John James got so annoyed about magazine deals and then did one. Lewis is FAKE ASS. At least Bear is as advertised; a ginormous prick. Lewis is a cunt in prick's clothing.
Renee's romantic tales of dating a gangster. Should Lewis and Marnie marry after 18 days? Only if their agent tells them to. It's not even Big Brother brain. At least that's a real condition. They've just got famewhore-itis.
Lewis showing off his elephant cock and balls. His balls are marginally more attractive than his dancing.
Bear is destroying the year book 'because he wants to.' He's also talking like a baby. Fatboy is FUMING. Katie: 'Bear is writing his opinions in jam.' Probably one of the best lines of the series. Second time this series jam has had a starring role in a storyline. Jam is BIGGER player in the house than Katie. Jam is an airtime whore.
Lewis and Marnie pretending they care about the jam/yearbook in the diary room. They don't give a fuck, they've got their eye on the endgame! Lewis: 'He's not my best friend in the house, Marnie is.' Grow up. I've never seen a scrotum journeying before. Yet here it is, right before my very eyes.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Coco pops a cap in your ass

CBB is like the worst sort of Groundhog Day at the moment. So chronically boring, no matter how much sex or arguing happens.
I liked Bear waking up and saying 'Has anyone seen Chloe?' Bear and Heavy D make a noise like me in the morning. It's fun to squawk in the morning.
I am amused by how much the others are annoyed by Bear. But that is my only source of amusement in the entire show so it's a bit hollow.
Bear doing the shopping list. Ordering fags and fake tan. I like Renee not rising to Bear's bait of ordering seven manicure kits and condoms. Oh, hold on, she went in the bedroom and went nuts, haha.
The sanctimonious crew are going to stop Bear eating food. How?! Good luck with that. I'm amazed no one has punched him yet. They have pretty good self restraint.
Heavy D is calling Renee out for not washing up, ha. He's brave! Heavy D has ALWAYS got a slice of toast in his hand. Katie looks traumatised by the washing up row. Some people just grew up in in soft environments and can't handle shouting. Bear is stirring it up, too. Renee has a real sense of humour failure. Heavy D: 'If it's not true, why are you so touchy?' to Renee. Lol. She's crazy. 'I am somebody's mother!' So what? Then BB told Bear off for goading Renee, but Heavy D started it!
Bear is so camp at times, especially when dressed as a pirate. Bear is not responsible for Renee being unhinged. That's on her. She's NUTS.
Renee is after an Oscar here, trying to get Bear kicked out, while giving veiled threats. Should have kept Chloe in to occupy Bear. You took away his toy!
Heavy D: 'It's like a dictatorship, like 1950s Cuba.' I'm liking Heavy D sticking up for himself AND knowing what a dictatorship is.
Aubrey is so up Renee's arse, it's tragic. Minion! Renee trying to make friends with Bear; I can't work out if it's real or not. 'I've been mean!' You have been mean. But Bear's not the one crying about it.
Renee: 'My bad behaviour has gone to bed with me here.' Then straight after they make up, Big Brother plays the nominations. They are exacerbating the situation!
Ooh, they're showing noms on the screen! Bring it! I love Bear's excitement at the arguments that will follow.
Frankie nommed Lewis for being Bear's bitch and Marnie for being Lewis's bitch. Fair comment. Frankie: 'I'm cute in the diary room.' Er. I'm never going to win my bet on him, am I?
Sam nommed Heavy D for eating too much and 'telling lies'. What lies? And Lewis for being friends with Bear. I like Bear rubbing salt in the wound, as if it were needed!
Lewis put up Renee and Bear (aka Colin). Aubrey put up Heavy D for being 'emotionally unstable' and Lewis for being 'amazing.' Eh?
Heavy D nominated Renee for being 'sly, devious, controlling and two faced' and for 'not doing any washing up' and 'barking orders.' I love it! 'This house is not the Mafia.' Good point. He also nommed Katie for being pointless. Good choice if a bit of a waste.
Marnie nommed Heavy D for saying 'you can't fall in love in two weeks' and James for having a brain.
James nominated Aubrey for 'telling him how to conduct himself.' In what way!? And Heavy D for eating too much. I love Bear winding Aubrey up about James! Haha. James was giggling, ha.
Renee nommed Heavy D for being 'weak and disloyal' and Lewis for making everyone 'feel some type of way' (like a loony cunt, in her case).
Katie nominated Heavy D for 'making her cry more than twice' and James for being a threat. Fatboy nommed Lewis for the usual reason and Heavy D for squawking in the morning! WTF.
Bear nommed Renee and Ricky in an amusing fashion in the DR. Fayboy is SO under the radar.
Ooh, Bear, Heavy D, Lewis and Renee are up. Hope Renee goes. Or Lewis.
Aubrey is being a twat to James, he's allowed to nominate her if he wants. She's being a div. 'You're fake!' No, you're misunderstanding the rules of the game. You've obviously been bugging the crap out of him.
Bear is pouring cooking oil around the garden. Fatboy's response: 'It is what it is.' TV GOLD, not. The Heavy D spilt cereal everywhere. Why don't the others just relax a bit? They're coming off like uptight freaks. Coco pops! I hope they don't replace the food, though. Food waste is bad.
Heavy D's tell off was amazing. 'I did it cos Bear did it!' Grow up. 'If you can't interact nicely with your other housemates take yourself off to the bedroom.' I loved Big Brother telling them to basically go tidy their room, ha. That Big Brother did not sound scary, though, he sounded like a work experience kid. They need someone with a bit more gravitas for that.
Katie W finally did something for her best bits; shouted at someone to clean up. I was getting flashbacks to my mum there.
Aubrey still butt hurt about James in the DR. Get over it. I don't think he has a problem with women. You obviously just get on his nerves and I can't really blame him.
God; what an unholy mess. And I don't just mean the Coco Pops on the kitchen floor. Is this series over yet?

Saturday, 13 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear Joke(r)s

From desp-bear to where?
OK, just putting it out there, Bear is my favourite person in that house. Even though he's a toerag, I've seen a loyal side to him, and a funny side to him, which is more than I've seen from most of these people. He entertains me, which is more than I can say for ALL these other people. Yes, he's a complete twat. At this point, I don't really care.
Squeaky bum time. Whatever that means. Apparently it's to do with sport (gross). Yuck. God, I hate Lewis. He has none of the charm or panache of Bear. Yeah, I said it.
The task involves all housemates holding up bags of money 'but the real task is...' only one has to do it for the allotted money of time. Ricky and Sam bet that Lewis could pass the task. What's the opposite of TV gold? Ha, Lewis fucked it up. What a tool. Oh what, he still won? Boo.
Lewis has got a strong case of Big Brother Brain/ magazine deal-itis. Wasn't he saying he wasn't bothered the other day?
I LOVE Chloe making Bear up as the Joker! I love Renee being worried about it, haha. 'That means we're in trouble.' She's right though, Bear will be there at the end, as he should be, as he's been the whole show.
Marnie is trying to push the old 'good people/ bad people' strategy that only BAD PEOPLE ever say. It's like Lewis saying he's 'a good man.' You're not. It's like someone going 'I'm mad, me.' You're NOT. The maddest people don't KNOW THEY'RE MAD.
Renee giving Fatboy a pep talk about their common nemesis. It's not 'war paint', it's just a laugh, Renee. Who WOULD be their nemesis if Bear went? Cos you know they'll need a new one.
Ah, the wheel spinning/ Chloe leaving again. I didn't notice Emma's teleprompter of the floor before. She's like Courtney Love.
Big Brother is making me sick the way they keep pushing Marnie and Lewis! They must know the viewers despise them. Fuck off!
I wanted Bear to do a Jackson-style wail there. No such luck. Bear: 'It's cos she's knocking about with me, isn't it?' Well done, Poirot. Heavy D: 'Every argument, she's been the centre of it.' Not really!
Frankie: 'I didn't like Chloe as much as you' to Marnie. Turncoat!
Bear sees it, too. Frankie IS two-faced (so is Bear tonight, with the face paint, but there you go). I love the way Bear calls Frankie 'Frank'. I like him saying it's bad form. It is! Good to see Frankie under a bit of pressure. Bear: 'You're up Renee's bum.' He's right, they all are. They're all scared of her.
James is right: the public love to hate Bear. I don't understand how James got the most votes though, even though I like him. I like his confidence he's going to win!
Bear starting on Aubrey and Renee, ha! He pulled it back, though, I was quite surprised. I hate the fact Chloe went over Renee, especially as she wasn't even meant to be up.
Bear: 'When my money clears, I'll treat her as best as I can.' How romantic! Haha.
Renee is pushing for Bear to go up 'there's a bomb to dismantle.' Hold on, Bear is eternally nominated! He's already up.
Aw, Bear doing a pine for Chloe in the diary room. He's got feelings! He's human, he's got a brain. (Really?) Haha. Ooh Bear is pretending he cares about people slagging him off! Good gaming.
Marnie: 'I'm a pretty good judge of character.' You're not.
Heavy D is loving the fact Chloe has gone and Bear is weak. Heavy D wearing nail varnish: sexy time. What Heavy D is saying to Bear is true though, that for the first time the house decided, not the public.
Bear: 'They've won the battle but they've not won the war. They've got to live with me for two weeks.' YES!
Ugh, there is nothing to say about this show in my blog anymore. There are no more layers of these people's personalities to see. There's no side to anyone's personality that's going to come out and surprise us.
PS: Emma saying she wants to watch Big Brother not Ex on the Beach on BBBOTS last night! Join the fucking club, mate.

Friday, 12 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Wheel of Bore-tune

Just catching up on last night's CBB. The alleged 'nice' people are really hamming it up now, you'd think Fatboy was going off to war the way he's going on. Sam Fox's disgust when Lewis said the night previously had been the best night of his life was hilarious. The martyrdom is becoming real. Aubrey is right, there's loads more of them than there are of the plebs. It's just none of them have a spine!
I loved Bear accusing Renee of being jealous BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Renee came across so desperate the whole episode. Absolutely psychotic. As if Chloe is the brains behind Bear's ignominy! Give me a break.
Oh so they are doing kind of a lucky dip thing with the two bottom housemates tonight. It's like when Nikki Grahame should have been HOH in Big Brother Canada and it ended up being the fucking Pax brothers. (And this is exactly what happened tonight)
Rule break! Turn off Aubrey's hot water. Oh, she's gone straight to jail. Bear is right that they all agreed when Aubrey said it. They did.
Chloe vs Renee equals airtime for Chloe which equals votes to save (I hope). I want Chloe to stay.
I DESPISE Lewis's fake nice guy act! What a douchelord. At least with Bear you know your enemy.
Renee to Bear: 'I have warned you not to speak to me.' Who does she think she is? I fucking hate her. I hate the way she talks to Chloe, too. SHE'S SO JEALOUS.
Aubrey telling Bear to 'be civil' ha. Bear is in 'diffuse mode.' I'd hate to see him in TNT mode.
Renee is full on bonkers. Like, insane. I can't BEAR her (ha). My mum said she LIKES Renee on the phone to me today! WHY.
There is a task going on, something to do with dice. Some people are playing for the house, some for themselves. What did Arisa Cox say? The house always wins. So think on.
That party looks so crap. Looks like a toddler's party. The fact Lewis likes the Killers make me hate them. 'The Killers, sick!' Grow up. Still, remember when Winston and Helen had to sing The Killers and they didn't know the words.
Marnie: 'I would have sacrificed myself for Lewis.' You probably have. What's with Lewis's Hugh Grant look today? What a cuntrag.
I love the fact Bear has CBB winner 2016 on his arm. Are you allowed writing utensils in the Big Brother house these days?
What is this Marnie and Lewis argument about? Fuck off, no one cares. FAKE ASS. Lewis punching a door like the little tool he is. Kick him out, aggressive knob. Lewis loves Marnie 'so much.' No one cares, go and die.
James listing the veg his wife grows in the garden more interesting than this reality bullshit.
Lewis doesn't like Marnie flashing her bits cos she's 'his girlfriend.' They are both insecure pieces of shit. How many days have they been in there to fall in love?
OMG James and Bear got the most votes to save! Cos they're MEN! LOL James got more votes than Marnie. Hilarious. He has had probably 1% of the airtime she's had. Will BB get the message that we're sick of these reality losers now?
Who goes? Fate decides. Not that catchy, is it? Oh, Emma's in the garden again. Bear, Chloe, Marnie and Lewis look genuinely sick.
Emma has zero gravitas during these kind of things. Uh oh, the rules are too complicated for Bear. Everyone is going to evict Chloe to annoy Bear.
I hope it's 90% Chloe on the wheel and it lands on Marnie. Bear praying for Chloe was cute.
I do feel like there's a bit of tension. But not that much. 10 have chosen Chloe to go, 2 Marnie. James gets to spin the wheel, lol. It's like the jackpot on Candy Crush. You never get the good shit.
And sure enough, Chloe left. BORING! Fate always decides WRONG. Hope Bear smashes the gaff up. Give Fatboy a little scare.
Just awaiting Chloe's standard slutshaming now. Ah, she got a whole compilation of slutshaming. Emma: 'Are you not worried what people think?' Does she look like she is? And why would she?
Emma: 'Bear likes to push people's buttons.' Specifically Chloe's.
Why is Emma telling Chloe off about Bear? She's not his keeper. Oh sorry, we've ran out of time to interview you because we were so busy telling you off for being female.
Chloe, where do you normally go to be patronised? Honestly, why cast these feral people and then tell them off for BEING THEMSELVES. It makes NO SENSE. If you want polite civilised people in there, stop casting from sub-par reality shows!
Ha, Bear is saying the wheel is rigged! LOL. Nothing would surprise me!
PS: I was considering 'Wheel of (air)time' for my title but even I think that's too niche. Still, a nod to any geeks out there. Goodnight!

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Why do they care?

Reality bites
Ugh, when will this series be over? It's like a nightmare I'm trapped inside and I can't get out.
Lewis is mindgaming Marnie! Making her jealous with the eyelash girl and then making her come talk to him in the morning. 'I would have respected your distance' means, 'I would have waited until you came crawling, which didn't take too long.'
Saira and Renee slagging off Chloe thinking she's asleep (but talking SO loudly). Who sleeps wearing false eyelashes? Maybe Courtney Love in the mid 90s after a bender. Chloe looks pissed off. Play it up! Game! Who uses the word 'climax'? I'm glad Saira's gone. That was really horrible and uncomfortable. Like the opposite of when Alex overheard Evelyn and Laura talking about him.
Chloe in the DR asking why the others can't be happy for her and Bear. 'Why do they care?' Good question.
Ha, then she went and told Bear that Renee called her a prostitute. I love Bear sticking up for Chloe! Ooh and now Chloe's going to stick up for herself! Even better.
Saira and Heavy D emulating Chloe and Bear was just plain mean. Why is Saira so offended by a 'massage'? Cos she's a frigid bitch. She is jealous and stuck up. She hates all the young women. She's gone the full Joey from BBUS.
Chloe is not looking too hot without her make-up on, bless her.
Renee: 'I would call you a hooker or a whore.' Fucking old trout. They WERE alluding to that, don't mess about, supposed gangster's moll.
Chloe: 'I think Saira's a fucking snake, full stop.' Correct. Chloe to Saira: 'It's dodgy when you have a bit of fun, because you're not a fun person.' SO TRUE.
Renee: 'I'm not going to be attacked by a fucking troll.' You ARE the fucking troll.
I love the expression 'social idiot' (Marnie on Saira). Best thing she's ever said.
Dare task. Fuck this electric shock pad bullshit. Where are the electric shock suits? I demand to see Frankie in full Lycra.
Marnie pied Heavy D in the face. I don't think she thinks he was the least trustworthy, I think she just wanted too. Sam called Bear the 'most boring.'Um. She should fail the task for that.
 Renee in the eating task is me. Although probably the only way to make me eat something disgusting is to blindfold me. Gagging on fishy things! Mmm. My favourite thing to watch (no really, it isn't.)
James thinks 'the house would be quieter without Bear.' You don't say.
Marnie looked so pretty on eviction night. Lewis looked like a knob as usual. 'For the first time I can look in the mirror and call myself a good man.' Where does he come up with this bullshit? What rot.
I love Bear trying to get Saira to take the coffee with her. What a mental mindset he has.
Bear being saved: 'Fuck yeah!' Haha. I bet he says that all the time in bed.
Oh God, Bear, Heavy D and Lewis getting a killer nomination each. WHY??? Can they nominate each other?
I LOVED Bear calling Renee 'very negative' when he nommed her. Great revenge! He's obviously forgotten about the spit sandwich. Lewis nominated James for playing an 'under the radar game'. Well, that much is true.
Heavy D is giving it the old Negan treatment! OMG! He nominated Marnie for 'not being a nice person'. Lewis did not look pleased. Frankie's face was also a picture. What's Heavy D's beef with Marnie? I was sure he'd nom Chloe! I would love it if Marnie went, but can't see much chance of that happening. Renee calling Bear 'a fucking roofer.' Bit mean to roofers.
Ooh, bring on the risque sexual activity! What could it be? More strangling in Marco's sex chamber? Hope so.
Renee HATES Bear so much cos he won't fuck her. Meanwhile the others are fucking in the shower. Is that the 'risque activity'? Chloe can't drown with those lips. They are deffo buoyant.
Renee is still bitching and moaning about being nommed despite saying she wouldn't.
Everyone bitching about Chloe topless dancing. WHO CARES. Sam: 'Call me a prude, I don't care.' FUCKING HYPOCRITE, FUCK OFF. That's one of my top hates, women who have made money from their bodies slagging off OTHER WOMEN doing toe exact same thing. It's the SAME THING. Do you not think people called you a slag on Page 3, Sam? Shut up then. I'm guessing 'it was art' was a joke.
Aubrey: 'How come you didn't nominate Chloe?' Because she's harmless!
Bear is now messing about on a plant and Fatboy is calling for security because 'they've knocked over a tree.' GET A GRIP, MAN. THEY ARE HAVING A LAUGH. Try it sometime! Don't get me wrong, I hate Marnie and Lewis. But at least they're doing SOMETHING. The others just moan.
Lewis, keep wabing round your ginormous rubbery willy round at your rubber faced girlfriend cos your pale flabby arse isn't much to speak of. I do feel a bit sorry for Heavy D trying to get some sleep. But not that sorry?
All the old people hiding in the bathroom. God, Frankie without his make up. Scary. James trying to arrange a mutiny.
Haha, they're all in the DR threatening to walk. Walk then, bitches! I've seen strikes in Big Brother before. John McCruick didn't speak for about five days cos he had no Diet Coke. This is amateur hour.
What do you do when you don't support either side, when there's no one to root for? When the choice is between a sadist who is at least entertaining and people who are probably OK, but so boring you can't stand them? What's your next step? Answers on a postcard.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Loose ends

Lash-lustre
Four on the block and no one I want to save. Thanks, Big Brother. Actually, I do want Bear to stay. He's earned his fee, unlike some people in there. I hope Lewis goes tonight, but Heavy D will do fine, too.
Heavy D wants to see 'boominator' tattooed on women's arses when he comes out. Good luck with that.
Who cares if people are just 'fucking' Katie? Lewis and Marnie are no more romantic than Chloe and Bear. She's coming off a bit Alex Sibley, telling people where they can wash their fanny. At least the showmances are doing SOMETHING. You're just a viewer at this point.
Bear's slapstick lobbing of the eggs makes me laugh, despite myself.
'Falling in love' is not on Lewis's radar right now. How romantic! And then the cut to Marnie is saying 'it's fate.' At least Chloe has her eyes open. Marnie is clueless when it comes to who Lewis really is.
Katie and Ricky (ie. fencesitters anonymous) are talking about the only thing they care about: Bear. Yawn!
Lewis is already trying to let Marnie down gently about the outside world. Marnie feels like 'her stomach is in knots' and Lewis feels 'like a whole man' when he's with her. Who is buying this bullshit? The cue cards are barely out of shot.
Katie and James perving on Chloe and Bear having a massage. Bear: 'This is one of the best days of my life.' Sam: 'Do you think she wants her family to see that?' What?! It's like a carry on film. It's nothing!
Saira: 'I love a bit of soft porn.' Ha. All the others think Bear and Chloe are fucking, but they're just messing round. Frankie in the DR: 'Where am I?' On a low-rent reality show, that's where.
Lewis showing Marnie some girl he hooked up with advertising eyelashes. Yet more romance from Prince Charming. Lewis is just showing off that he can get other hot girls, basically. I watched the live feed last night and even Bear thinks Lewis and Marnie are faking it and 'have the same agent.'
Marnie: 'Lewis is perfect... you could get a model, what are you doing with me?' Get a grip, he's nothing.
Bear is on Marnie's side! Didn't come across that way on the live feed last night. I enjoyed him taking the mick out of Lewis with the mouthwash.
Saira thinks everyone is after airtime. Especially herself. 'Using her tits'. Oh shut up. Might as well use your assets in life, especially if you've paid for them.
Ha, Bear's got his eye mask on again. And blue nail varnish! ALL the potential evictees are getting booed, ha. OOH Saira went! I'm actually surprised. Who the fuck voted to save Heavy D? Like, really? Don't get me wrong, Saira is annoying as fuck. But Heavy D!? Looks like Lewis's bad acting paid off either way. So annoying that all the TOWIEs are still in as they'll get big heads.
Saira came across very well in her interview. Is a bit of an insult for her to go over the others, but she's Asian, she's a woman, it shouldn't really be that much of a shock, should it?
Saira championing Bear! Emma not convinced cos she's a prissy cow. She's got SUCH a stick up her arse. RELAX, Emma. The producers cast Bear to BE BEAR. Don't fight it. Chloe and Bear snogging on the sofa at the end when they all have to sit round together. Gross, that would drive you mad.
So what dumb twist is there? The three safe housemates will be nominating? Why? Why not everyone? Then the house will have to take part in 'group or singular games of chance'. I'm sure it won't be a lot of recycled crap we've seen before (much!). Bring on the electric shock suits!

Saturday, 6 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: LGB-see ya

CI-slayed
Bring on the Biggins bashing! I wanna see what he got kicked out for in FULL GLORY. It must be pretty bad. Can't wait! Haha at Biggins 'getting removed from the house' face. Like a naughty schoolboy. It would be a shock to live with Bear and be ejected before him, though. You'd be like, whaaaaat?
Rule breaks from James for talking noms and Bear for disrespecting the have not rule. They are being sent to jail (if you can call it that, it looks like it's made out of paper, plus you can escape from it). Is the hot water already off or what?
Loving Fatboy complaining in the DR about Bear being a 'litterbug'. It's quite a petty crime, really. Ooh, Bear is busting out of jail! No respect for the rules. That's what you get for making your jail out of origami. Big Brother threatening the entire house! Get that hot water off now.
Here comes Biggins downfall! Ooh, gay talk. What offensive thing is he going to say about his own people this time? Bisexuals created AIDS! Oh God. Renee is going conspiracy theory style, how AIDS was invented to wipe out third world countries. That's 'developing countries' to you.
Biggins telling Grant he's 'been careful about what he says.' What would he normally say!? Is this it, what he went out for?
Both the girls astride the two guys. GRIM. Lewis has got a stiffy. Vom.
Big Brother is telling Lewis to stop doing dares to 'humilate others.' What's up Big Brother's arse today? Talk about being prissy. Relax. Plus those dares were like a week ago.
What comment did Biggins make about Jewish people?! Why aren't they telling us! Why cover for him? ARGH how annoying when we've waited this long! What a swizz. Biggins is 'very sorry and very sad'.
Haha the other housemates reactions to Biggins going. Frankie was not happy. 'Maybe he's sick.' Bear: 'Who cares, who gives a fuck?' LOL! Big Brother should tell them why he's gone as otherwise they'll speculate worse things.
Lewis telling Heavy D to 'respect the process.' Moral code, ha.
Grant going (again). Heavy D's suit is visual vomit. Marnie upset about Grant getting booed, haha.
Eternal nomination again and still no twist. They could have CGI-ed one in to save Bear. He's carrying the show at present.
Bear: 'I can get a whole lot fucking worse.' Yes! Frankie shitting it about nomming Bear, lol. Ha, Bear kicking off and calling Frankie 'false' and telling him to 'bore off'. Ha! Frankie spinning it that bear being permanently up 'is not a bad thing'. Especially if Bear goes, hey?
Bear now intimidating Katie. 'I'm not going to suffer all the small talk now.' Haha. Katie is such a drip. Stand up for yourself!
Lewis is making sure Frankie doesn't feel intimidated by him, ha. He's a true gamer.
Bear is telling Chloe he likes her, haha. Showing his sensitive side there, aw. Bear really loves that eye mask. Is he going to a swinging party later?
Fatboy giving Katie a pep talk is like a puddle giving a sponge a pep talk. Airtime deficit.
Ha, Renee doesn't like the fact that Bear drew a dick next to Aubrey's name (well, he spelt it Audry, but...) Dick doodle rage! How can you be offended by a drawing of a willy? Renee is 99% hot air, 1% hypocrisy.
Ha, the Americans digging Saira out for not nomming Bear. Saira can vote for who she wants. Humpty Dumpty, sorry, I mean Heavy D, is much more annoying.
Aubrey on Bear in the DR: 'There's no compassion, caring, depth, understanding, intellect.' True. If Bear's a disease, he probably caught it off your jam sandwich.
So should Biggins have gone? I think so. Should some of the others? Yes. Should they try and cast some civilised people for next CBB? One or two might be nice. Thanks! Bisexuals: as you were.

Friday, 5 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Eternal lame

Camp? Moi?
Emma's hair in looking good shocker! Whatever next?
I can't believe Biggins has been ejected and not Bear! Appaz he compared Big Brother to a concentration camp but this was one of a 'number of comments.' Bisexuals around the country are rejoicing as we speak. I can't stand Biggins anyway, but I enjoyed his clothing choices.
Is it fair though, for someone to be removed for words rather than actions (ie. Bear and Aubrey?) They make the rules up 100% as they go along. It makes no sense to me.
Is it just me or do James and Grant seem to have got disproportionately low airtime this year? In fact it's not just them: Fatboy and Sam Fox are also near on invisible. Bear being Bear is all well and good, but can't we see a little suuiiink suuuiink from the other housemates that you've paid to go in there? Even a chat about Brexit and hoover strength would be fine. How much do you think they made on the phonelines tonight? £40?
Think what Frankie Grande must think about English women from the likes of Marnie and  (lesserly so) Chloe?! It's a national embarrassment.
Saira shouting at Chloe: 'You're playing with other people's emotions!' The way she speaks to people! OMG. So rude. Why shouldn't Chloe play with fire? It's her life. I liked Chloe's face during that conversation, like 'whhhhhhaat?'
Bovey getting some much-needed airtime. But was then boring.
Saira: 'I don't care' when she clearly does. Renee: 'It seems like you're trying to force your views on everyone.' Never a truer word spoken. How can Saira be that old and NOT KNOW HERSELF? I've known myself since I was about 15.
I don't even know why Marnie is shouting. She is proper scum. Foghorn.
Bear comes back in after a stern tell off from Big Brother. He's doing his apology tours. Have they replaced that window yet? I don't know why Bear is even apologising to Saira, what did he do to her?
Frankie calling Chloe, Lewis, Bear and Marnie the minions. Alliance talk! Love it.
I think Heavy D might be a bit... simple? Is that OK to say? Oh well, I've said it now.
Saira is sooooo jealous of all the young girls. She wants to have 'a bit of a laugh'. When!
Grant and James both got silence. Is that worse than boos? Ugh, I hate 'save me' speeches. CRAP. Why did James get such booage then? Makes no sense.
Ooh secret mission for Frankie! See his face light up when he was given the task? I liked Frankie's action sequence, jumping in the pool then screaming at people in the bath. Frankie's singing bit was funny, too. Frankie made me laugh out loud like the dogs in that TV show. Could my Frankie bet be about to pay off?
Bear has noticed Chloe and Heavy 'sitting next to each other.' SO WHAT.
Lewis: 'It's nice to meet a bird you wanna be pals with.' FUCK YOU. Going on about his 'clique'. TWAT. Lewis wants to look out for Saira. WHY.
Aubrey's hair extensions have black roots! WEIRD.
Sam lamenting Fatboy has no wine. He has no airtime either. 'Sharing is caring' but Bear doesn't care and therefore doesn't share.
Bear snogging Chloe in the bath, grabbing her neck and feeling her boobs, ha. SEXUAL.
I love James's confidence that he's going to be there for another week, cos it's true.
Bear would not fare well as a have not, eating the luxury food. I thought he wasn't going to break any more rules! Aubrey spitting in Bear's mouth. WHY! Bear: 'She's one of these kinky bitches.' Seems so. That's why he didn't care about the spit sandwich, cos he's into it.
Chloe: 'Bear's not my kind of guy.' Ha. She's attracted by him being a 'bad boy' ie. a twat. So much tongue! STOP SNOGGING. Why is Bear sleeping on the floor anyway?
OK eviction show! I like the half hour break in the middle as gives me the chance to fix up my blog and read Twitter. 'Get Saira out!' Of all the people.
Why is Grant getting cheered? I don't get it. He's done nothing except been a bit sleazy.
Imagine being in the crowd, seeing him come out. Bit dry, isn't it.
The most interesting thing about this interview is the different ways people pronounced Grant when they nominated him.
Poor Grant, he got so many noms! God knows why. Bovey has no lips. He should get Chloe to lend him some of hers.
Grant is in the backtrack zone over Marnie! He was being 'humorous.' Haaaaa. Grant called Bear 'desperate', ha.
NOM BOMB time. How are they gonna rig it? They have to give someone 'eternal nomination'. I bet you a million pounds that person is safe.
Heavy D and Bear are picking up all the noms! Renee did Saira. Chloe did James. Bear drew a picture of a dick next to Aubrey's name. LOL. I love Bear riding the zebra after being nommed. He's such a cocky twat.
Bear is taking the eternal nomination well (not).
I can't believe they didn't say 'but the real task is' and save him. Bear will be safe anyway on a vote to save cos knobheads will vote to save him. (Like me, probably).

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Artificial sleaze

What trash awaits us on CBB tonight? Sexual assault? A fight? An ejection? I've heard something kicks off but I have no idea what. Ooh Bear looks like he's going MENTALZ in the coming up bit. Bring it on!
Frankie: 'Beans on toast, is that breakfast?' No. Well, yes for other people.
Bear is issuing orders: 'Get in the chair and face the wall. Frankie sit on the zebra.' Biggins: 'Is there anything Frankie won't do?' Yes, have his own career and talent and stop mentioning his sister.
This task is just a license for some housemates to abuse others. Which is actually quite a good idea for a task, really, if you think about it.
Aubrey: 'Heavy D has become the most disgusting thing on earth to me.' She speaks for a nation.
Bear is being such a dick... bet he's too scared to ask Aubrey for a snack today though. I liked her palm-reading, with her telling him he's an arsehole. Is 'I'm going to get my boyfriend to kick his ass' a threat? It's like an indirect threat. Bear is being so so passive aggressive to Aubrey. He's SUCH a douche.
Sad hearing Sam talk about her partner. Really sad. And also great strategy, ha.
So for the task they have to not show their emotions. Ricky should do well. Why does Chloe look like she's crying!? Oh cos Heavy D is pestering her.
Loved Chloe's nip slip and Grant 'Kenny Brain' Bovey's 'fuck it, I'm gay' before snogging Frankie. Hilarious!
James is worried about Grant's kiss with Frankie being more entertaining that his game, ha.
Biggins accusing Lewis of being a gameplanner and then saying 'we all know who we're going to vote for next.' Bit rich.
Bear daring Chloe to snog him! Smooth. Heavy D is peering out the window like a stalker. Chloe: 'Why does everyone always think I'm a stripper?' Haha.
Marnie said she's snog Bear 'for a dare'. Lewis going on about some imaginary 'squad' again. How old is he?
Chloe is worried Renee is going to be annoyed that Chloe has stolen her man! HAHAHA. 'He's hers.'
Heavy D and Renee are both FUMING! Haha.
Heavy D in the DR: 'You can't trust anyone. She played me.' How?! She didn't even kiss you. His misery gives me pure joy. Renee: 'How is your boyfriend going to feel?' HAAAA. Like you care about her BF. Get a grip old lady, Bear doesn't fancy you. Renee is 'disappointed.'
I liked Bear trying to save Chloe from Renee. Almost chivalrous. Renee going on about her boyfriend. Why are you furious and disappointed about two kids having a laugh then? STFU.
Bear and Chloe still kissing (not for a dare this time). He likes kissing her ginormous lips.
Ooh handbags in the bedroom with Bear and Heavy D. Heavy D: 'You're giving it lemon.' Someone is a bit sour. Aggressively squaring (or should that be rounding) up to someone? Heavy D is pretending he's defending Biggins. 'He put his foot on my bed.'
Renee aggressively circling Chloe like that! Not cool. She's a psycho, too.
Bear has smashed a window. Don't fuck with the fixtures and fittings, bitch. Have some respect. What a tool. He's getting a tell off from Big Brother and sent to the David Gest suite.
Bear: 'what the fuck have I done wrong?' Broken a window.
Frankie is 'terrified'. He wants a booze ban and declared Bear 'terrifying.' He said he wanted three people out. Which three?
Bear: 'OPEN THIS FACKING DOOR NAW.' Is that you Megan McKenna? Ha, he smashed the door. SECURITY! I think he was feeling claustrophobic.
'Damage to the Big Brother property.' And all he got was a formal warning! 'You threw a recepticle.' Tough talk.
I did like it when he went 'hopefully see you in the morning.' He does make me laugh a bit, I can't help it. If you had to rate housemates in order of entertainingness (yes I know not a word) he'd be in the top tier.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Despicable Aubrey

Robo-crap
2026 is not that far into the future, is it? If we're gonna go future, I want to go 3000 years in, like the Busted song. ROBOT TASK. The 'Artificials'. Not that catchy. They have their own 'charging room' ie. the others house. I need time away to recharge against this crop of housemates.
They've spent about 25p on the outfits for this task. I did wonder why they were all covered in glitter on the live feed. I thought Frankie had shit himself.
Frankie is doing a good Kryten style robot voice. Very 'Humans'.
Heavy D (aka the female villain out of the Little Mermaid) is ordering Chloe around. I think I Chloe is quite nice now, I don't really know why as I can't stand a word she says and I'm scared of her slug lips, especially when ensconced in glitter, as it looks like they're on the move. But I like her pigtails in the robot outfit, she looks like a Manga character. I like Grant taking over the massage.
Marnie doesn't know that there's dragon on the Welsh flag. 'I don't even know what colour Wales is.' Green. Also, she's a cheat. Chloe correctly spelled technotronics, I mean, technology.
Why do robots need to wee and eat? Bear being a cunt as usual. My mum rang earlier and asked who I like in Big Brother. I said, 'nobody'. She said she hates Bear the most and Heavy D next. Can't argue.
Renee clueing Chloe up on what Heavy D said about her the other night. Chloe: 'Even if I'm single I don't have to fuck the fat one.' Good point. Then Heavy D walks in ordering her to wash his pants. Would you order a stranger you fancied to wash your pants? Leo Sayer must be turning in his grave. Chloe has pranked Heavy D to get revenge! Yes, Tampax in his bed. Hope it's used. Aubrey on Heavy D: 'This is why he's single and 80 years old.' HA. Don't forget 80 stone.
Biggins: 'Could you wipe my bum for me?' to Saira. LOL.
Renee snitching to Bear about the bed being pranked! GRASS. At least it's not a horse's head. Looks like blood and jizz in the bed. They have spoiled the prank! Would have been better to see Heavy D get in the bed.
Heavy D: 'That's vandalism.' No, casting you as a CBB housemate is ratings vandalism.
They all think Marnie snitched but it was Renee! Heavy D thinks Bear did it. He didn't seem to suspect Chloe AT ALL. Bear grassed up Chloe! Boo.
I think Heavy D just said something was 'a boat from the blue.' God, these people are pure scum. I actually can't even. They are scummier than the civilian version!
Ooh a warning for Aubrey! She spat in Bear's sandwich and in his drink AND STILL LET HIM EAT IT. OMG. That's the best. I just rewound and he took a right big bite, too. Also, Grant and Fatboy both laughed when Aubrey did it. Saira didn't look too bothered, either. She 'knowingly passed bodily fluids'. That sounds sexier than it was.
Bear has been called to the DR for medical advice. What medical advice, exactly?! Bear 'doesn't give a fuck' allegedly. He's 'had worse in his mouth.' I think if he'd kicked up a fuss, she'd have been kicked out. The funny thing is, if it had been someone else doing it to someone else, I'd feel differently about it. If it had been Bear or Marnie spitting in Saira's drink we'd be howling from the rooftops. But for Bear, we don't care. Weeeeeelll. It's funny the things you get kicked out for and the things you don't, isn't it?
Aubrey's apology: 'I don't know how to do pranks.' I think you do. This prank thing on Big Brother has got to stop. It's getting so boring and annoying.
Bear thinks Renee (his substitute mum/girlfriend) knew about spitgate and has got the hump. Their relationship is SO weird. Renee seemed to find it funny at the time in the flashback!
Bear is FESTERING on spitgate now. Her name is AUBREY. Lewis finds spitgate 'despicable.' Heavy D would need to go 'in a padded cell' if that happened to him. Bit extreme. Bear: 'Aubrey has the cheek to apologise.' You were moaning she didn't earlier!
Renee is right, they are at war now. Everyone is going to put Aubrey up. Anyone for a jam sandwich?

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: I call dibbies

New world moron
Early morning tell off times. Nom chat crack down. Turning the hot water off. Original punishment, Big Brother! Good one. I liked it when they used to put people up for eviction who didn't toe the line.
I don't blame Bear for walking off when James tried to call another house meeting. It was the oldies chatting shit about noms!
Saira is not mates with Grant just cos they're fellow oldies. I love Saira's hate for Bear. Looks like Bear's gonna go on the rampage today. Bring it on!
Who knew Renee had a soft spot for Bear? Saira doesn't want to see 'the other point of view.' No kidding.
Renee warning Bear to leave Saira alone, interesting.  She's keeping him in line, or at least trying to. Renee needs to give those PJs a wash at this point, I think.
Lewis 'fell in love with Biggins'. What are you, bisexual? Ooh Grant knows the other oldies nominated him. 'Snakey McSnake.' Good one.
Lewis: 'Bear speaks before he thinks which is kind of an art form.' Say what? He won't be saying that later on.
Chloe does not fancy Heavy D, despite what the boys say. Heavy D: 'I'm not getting played again.' Lewis telling Heavy D what 'all girls like.' He knows what girls want.
Bear thinks James, Biggins and Saira are illuminati. Weeeellll.
Saira apologising to Bear for calling him a dickhead as it 'made her a bad mother.' Shut up. Looks like she's trying to cause a row mid-apology.
Ah, the Big Brother talent show. A BB staple. Nothing will ever top Chantelle's singing. 'American's answer to Louis Spence, Frankie Grande.' That's not a compliment. Renee 'knows a soft spot to bury the bodies.' Ha. Aubrey looks gorgeous, loving her red lips.
Saira is wincing at Katie's singing, bit rude.
Renee is crying at Grant's motivational speech, lol. Fatboy is having to do his own doof doofs. Chloe's magazine posing was funny. James and Saira's talkshow would be good in real life. Why is everyone getting so angsty? I can't work it out. 
Is Sam Fox going to get boobs out? Oh no, she's singing. Lewis and Bear are grinding on her. She's a lesbian. Hold on, is she considered bisexual? She was one then the other. And Marnie is bi! They need to give Biggins what for.
Sam Fox is calling BS on the showmances. Magazine deals! That's my girl. Saira: 'He wants to get his tongue down somebody's throat.' Ha.
Are Bear and Renee going to fuck? Interesting when he was confiding in Renee about Lewis and Marnie. What an unlikely friendship. I like it when that happens in the house, like Lauren Harries and Courtney Stodden.
Bear is pissed out of his face. There was some weird chemistry going on with them there. Renee said, 'If you were going to kiss someone, it would be me.'
I knew Bear was going to see Renee out a second later when Lewis made a jibe about her being 'his missus.' Bear: 'I'll kiss who I want to kiss.' Then going on about calling dibs like Marnie is front seat of a car. Classy. Lewis: 'I aint got dibs, it's up to her.' Chivalrous. How much have they had to drink? Looks like the friendship between Lewis and Bear is done.
Bear in the DR: 'You can't call dibs on fuck all in here.' Lewis: 'I call fucking dibs.' Marnie: 'That turned me on.' Marnie is being passed round by the blokes in there metaphorically.
Why is Marnie yelling at Heavy D now? She's actually stupid (and trash). Lewis is turning on Heavy D now.
Heavy D saying 'I don't give a shit about that' about Chloe. GROSS. Lewis: 'You wrote her a love poem last night.'
Fatboy is sticking up for Chloe! YESSSSSS! Finally he speaks and says something worthwhile. Then Heavy D went and apologised. Ha!
Marnie apparently has no say in whether Bear wants to kiss her. Marnie: 'It's disrespectful to Lewis.' NO it's disrespectful to YOU! Arghhh! Wake up. The women in this house are letting themselves be treated like doormats. This is one of the the most sexist Big Brothers ever. No, not sexiest. Sexit. What an accolade. I guess this is what you get when you scrape the barrel for contestants.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK: A fish is not an animal

Frankie Grande aviators. Available now in Poundland
Good evening! The main story seems to be the old/young divide. Someone has obviously has had a word in Marnie's ear to apologise (ie. Big Brother.)
Apology tours! Lewis said they need to find a new person to victimise. Why not just leave people the fuck alone? I really despise pretty much everyone in the house, yet I'm still finding it entertaining.
Saira bagging on Grant for cheating on his wife. NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, BITCH. Saira is playing the victim HARD and I don't normally use that phrase, but she deserves it.
Heavy D and Bear rubbing James's head! There's a BAD atmosphere in that house. He told them not to and he still rubbed it! Rude. I LOVED James pouring the coffee over Bear. He looked FURIOUS!
That was the one of the the most uncomfortable food fights I've ever seen. I wonder if anyone will get a warning? There's a proper pack mentality going on.
I love Frankie's concern about the coffee 'my coffee!' and James going 'well get some more.' You shouldn't! If you're gonna waste food like that, it shouldn't be replaced. James: 'They're playing a game, man.' And they're not playing it real good.
James is calling a house meeting! Why is he apologising? It went beyond pranking and a bit sinister.
Noms! Frankie nommed James for coffeegate, so I guess Bear and the gang did get what they wanted; James on the block. Frankie also nommed Grant. Bad noms!
Gormless Lewis nominated James and Fatboy. Fatboy is like one of the oldies, ie. he does nothing. Actually, the oldies do a lot more than him.
Bear's sex stories! His charming story about sniffing his fingers before he goes down on someone was so romantic. Swoon!
Sam nommed Bear and Marnie. Chloe nommed Katie for defending Amy against being a crackhead. LOL! And James.
Grant is nomming Renee and fellow oldie James! Why none of the young uns?
Grant looming over Marnie asking if he thinks she'll stay friends with people in here. No names mentioned!
Biggins nomming Marnie for boobgate. Wow, look at his shirt. Amazing. And then Grant! Because of Anthea! That should be struck from the record, it's irrelevant to the house. I hate that sort of nomination.
Marnie nommed James and Frankie for not talking to her, he probably can't understand what you're fucking saying.
Renne doesn't like homosexuality 'being shoved down her throat'. This is code for being homophobic like when you say a black person 'has a chip on their shoulder' is racist code. Who the fuck is gay to 'be trendy'?! You can't CHANGE your sexuality. If people want to experiment, let them!
Biggins: 'The worst type is the bisexuals.' HA! Biggins hates women and bisexuals, basically everyone trying to stand in the way of him and dick. What an arsehole this guy is, seriously.  Then Renee said, 'You have to pick a team.' WHY! Why should you? Such a backwards attitude.
James nominated Grant and Bear. What did Grant do? I don't get it.
Renee nominated James and Grant. Heavy D nommed James as he sees him as a threat to win. Interesting. Also nommed Renee.
Vegetarian chat. Chloe: 'A fish is not an animal. Don't ruin it for me.' Bear: 'It is. It's got to be an animal.' Chloe: 'Who told you so?' Bear: *looking slightly confused* 'I've just heard.' Chloe: 'Don't believe everything you hear.' Chloe then declared fish a plant. Classic BB chat. I genuinely enjoyed that.
Saira nommed Bear because she's worried he hasn't passed the psych test (they probably don't even do one anymore) and Grant, because of boobgate. Why not nominate Marnie over boobgate as she's the one who did it?
Fatboy nommed Grant for 'snoring and coughing' in bed and James for coffeegate. I'm not sure Fatboy has earned his vote yet. The monkey lamps are more interesting than him.
Aubrey nommed Grant (why does everyone hate Grant?) and James. Boo. All the ones I like are being nominated. No, hold on, I don't like anyone.
Katie nommed Grant (et tu, Katie?) and James. How come they're all voting the same way? Fix!
Bear nommed James for 'bringing the mood dahhhhnn' and Fatboy for being a fencesitter. I love the fact Bear hates Fatboy for no reason, I find it amusing. I mean, what's the point of nominating Fatboy?
James has slept with over a hundred women. But he's not looking for a bird, he's looking for a partner. Yet then said Marnie was a 'top draw bird.' Marnie seemed flattered by that. Didn't take much. Lewis kissing Marnie in the storeroom. Not sexy. Why is Katie so excited about Marnie snogging that idiot for one second? She must be hard up for entertainment.
Frankie's tattoos. Eek.
Grant is jealous of Marnie and Lewis getting off. Grant: 'I think she was a little young for me.' He looks proper miffed. I like Aubrey telling him to be more aggressive.
Up for eviction is: James, Grant and who else? There can't just be two people up. All the girls cuddling Grant, what a pimp he is.
Ha, they are all saying who they voted for! Rule break.
Truth or dare. Chloe doesn't want to kiss Heavy D as she has a fella. Marnie and Lewis kissing was horrid. Too much tongue.
Lewis is showing Frankie his dick in the toilet. (Why?) Frankie was on it like a rat up a drainpipe! Is that normal behaviour for a straight guy to show a gay guy his dick for no reason?
Heavy D is calling Chloe out for not being single. She's got a little 'something something' on the side. I like the way Renee dealt with it. She was quite formidable.'Leave it alone.' Heavy D: 'Deception is deception.' She was never going to get with you! Relax.
WHY is there only two on the block? I am confused! I don't mind a head to head, but why does it have to be two people I half don't mind? Fuck you, Big Bro. I want the TOWIE/Geordie Shore/Ex on the Beach nobodies out. Actually, let's keep Bear. I find him quite entertaining. He's probably the best person in the DR at the mo. SLIM PICKINGS. Night then!

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Victim blame game

Oh no, so much airtime for Saira tonight by the looks of things. She's annoying! Show me more Frankie! I put a fiver on Frankie today at 22/1. Call me crazy if you will.
Renee is the Michael Jordan of giving blowjobs. How is that ascertained? Sounded like she was changing a lightbulb from her description of it.
Nice try, Lewis, Marnie wants a bit of Bovey, not your 90s-curtained arse. Him touching her hair and taking about her lack of make up. Subtle as a brick.
Saira wants to teach life skills - aka being a skivvy - to Marnie.
Biggins is confident about pulling off nominating someone by singing 'simply the best to them'.
What is Heavy D wearing? A Hawaiian shirt TWO PIECE. BOOM! He's pleased he's got immunity. I'm not.
Saira busting out 'say it to my face.' To Bear: 'You find pleasure in hurting people?' Bear: 'I find it quite funny.' Saira wants everyone to be like her. She wants 15 Sairas in the house. It's quite rude to ask someone if they've ever punched someone or if they're violent, I think. Also, they might start with you.
Marnie and Bear are teaming up as victim of Saira's one-woman interregateathon. In the DR she's saying she's got the vibe that Marnie and Bear hate her, yet she still wants to go on endlessly at them. WHY.
Frankie's looking a little haggard today as they reveal the task to Biggins. I like the way he handled it. I still suspect he knew all along.
Ooh, new task. SHITSTIR. Renee is exempt on medical reasons. Let's hope she's not got David Gest-itis. Game of phones: see what they did there? They're obsessed with phone booths on BBUS and BBUK. Gunge! I can't be bothered to go through all the questions, but Frankie got gunked, so what more do you want? Although Aubrey had her dog's sperm frozen 'after jacking him off'. WHAT? 'My gay hairdresser did it, it was so fierce.' WHAT THE FUCK.
Saira and Marco: joint hall pass holders/givers. God, I miss Marco. Still reading his tweets on a weekly basis sustains me. Saira is 'now having good sex'. Bet she's not.
Fraubrey are in the diary room (Frankie and Aubrey). I'm putting Frankie's black and yellow leaf jumper on the chic list. They are perving over Bear. Bear not even cute with his mouth shut. Frankie on Bear: 'I think he swings both ways.' LOL.
Saira is attention seeking, bemoaning that she always tells it like it is. Ha to Saira telling Heavy D to exercise more! How fucking rude. Let it be noted that Saira created this row if it kicks off.
Ha to Saira saying she 'doesn't talk down to people'. NOT MUCH. Ha, they are all confronting her.
They are sitting round the table, they haven't got her by the throat behind the bike sheds.
I think Bear is right that Saira WAS trying to trick Beat into looking bad. What he said wasn't out of context. It was the exact same context as it was this morning. Saira: 'I don't think you need me to make you look bad.' That was rude.
Heavy D was not in anyway 'threatening or aggressive.' She's only saying that because of his size. Neither Bear nor Heavy D were aggressive (t.m. Daley). In fact the most aggressive person in that conversation was Saira. Saira is victimising herself here. Implying Bear might punch her was quite a stretch.
Saira: 'I've been through more shit than you can imagine.' Ugh. You don't know what anyone has been through, shut up.  Then she goes to the DR to cry.
Renee: 'Of course as a man you belt people.' Ha! She won't go out with a man who won't punch someone. Weird.
Saira thinks Bear is an 'aggressive, violent person.' Where did she get that from? She's mental. She's reading things into people that aren't there.
Aw, Heavy trying to make amends with Saira. She's so ungracious. I hate people who can't accept apologies. I don't think Marnie is helping this situation either, yapping off. Marnie is half attractive, half Michael Jackson. Her face looks rubbery, she looks botoxed to fuck and her nose is weird. Her old face looks like it was probably nice, though.
Saira is playing the old card, and the mother card now. How dare she tell Marnie she's different when she has a drink. Tough shit. Marnie has been perfectly reasonable here an Saira has acted like the nutty bat that she is.
I love Renee saying 'what could you argue with Bear about? He's a young goofy prick.' LOL.
Why would you bet Marnie to say she's got better boobs to Saira when you know Saira is wound up anyway?
Oh shit! When Marnie waved her boobs in Saira's face! Not the smartest move after tonight's row. I feel like that was sexually intimidating or something? I wouldn't like someone waving their boobs in my face. I'm sure most men would, but that's different. That made me not like her very much at all. Something a bit sinister and mean about that.
I really wish Saira wasn't immune. However, I think she may follow Brian Belo over the wall, or John James out the fire exit.

Saturday, 30 July 2016

Celebrity Big Brother Uk 2016: Monday big spoon, Tuesday little spoon

Bums vs ballbags
When did Christopher Biggins just become 'Biggins'? Why did it look like Chloe Mafia was feeding Heavy D mini eggs out of her hand on the LF? Who's the bluntest out of James, Saira and Marnie? None of these questions are answered in tonight's blog.
Bear has got the hump about wardrobe space. Saira is calling him 'Stephen' like a mum. 'Let's all have a line each' - it's not the first time he's said that, I bet. He is being a total dick (comedowns are a bitch) but Saira is sooooo bugging. I can't deal with her.
That boom thing isn't going to become annoying, is it? BOOM!
Renee got MRSA from having her arse deformed. There's a lesson in there somewhere. It's weird the way Renee called it 'MURSUR', isn't it? Like she can't be bothered to pronounce initials. Aubrey had a good old feel of it, too. Jeremy from Baywatch couldn't get away with that shit.
I love Bear calling Fatboy by his proper name, Fatboy. (Thanks to the guy who nicked this joke off me on Twitter without retweeting, I know it was funny, but really?). 'He keeps doing things, like getting the batteries... he's a snide!' Sounds like Callum on the eco bikes. I love him describing Frankie as 'the other fella who did the silly dancing in the garden.' Then goes: 'He's done my eyedrops, hasn't he.' Bear doesn't like Frankie stealing his eyedrops. I do think that's a hygiene risk. 'I get a bit funny with my eyedrops, I've got three with me.' This guy has OCD. 'Chloe, old big tits.' Charmed, I'm sure. Bear is putting everyone on blast. He doesn't want to go out for drinks with Grant after one night: 'give it a week, play it cool then we can start organising trips to the zoo.' On James: 'Don't tell me to keep it down, we haven't got neighbours.' Will no one think of the workers at Tesco in Borehamwood? It's a party house, I'm partying.' OK, this guy is going to be good value. He hates EVERYONE! Yes.
Frankie doesn't know about the sexist institution of Page 3. Let it stay that way.
Saira is trying to put her own personality onto Marnie in revenge from vibrator gate. Good luck. She's soooo patronising she makes Andy West look laid back. Marnie seems to KNOW HERSELF so leave her be.
Biggins is doing a classic shitstir task, calling Bear and Lewis the two least talented. He called Frankie egotistic. Marnie and Heavy D trashiest. Most iconic: Sam Fox.
Saira and James 'Muslim' chats set my teeth on edge. Saira is clutching the rulebook. Just don't talk about religion FFS. Although I suppose it's more interesting than people's boobs 'accidentally' falling out. I agree with James that people don't need religion to act decently, but at the same time acting decently is respecting other's beliefs, whether you agree or not, so it's a two way street.
Can't wait to see Frankie's presentation 'Ten things I love about me.' Pantomime horse punishment: lazy. Mob wife is boohooing about doing drugs. Marco's sex chamber has been renamed the Sam Fox suite.
Frankie is rapping about how wonderful he is. Classic. James looks SO pissed off. I like the fact Frankie just went on and on. I think he kind of revels in people hating him. He's definitely being entertaining. I saw his Twitter bio says 'social media mogul' and 'shine bright like a me' on it, which made me laugh.
Marnie saying Lewis is handsome. Slim pickings or what. She does fancy Grant but won't admit it.
Cheryl put Katie on blast in her autobiography. Saira: 'Cheryl is the nations sweetheart.' No, she's a racist mingebag who beat up Auntie. Speak for yourself!
Biggins has to spill a drink over the housemate he wants to nominate. Haha. Good one. He drenched Lewis, lol.
Renee saying Lewis acts like a dick and is over-confident. True. Renee is discussing nominations with Aubrey. BLATANT. They probably think Biggins is the most famous man in England.
Marnie quizzing Grant about Anthea. She's very blunt! 'Did you love her? How long were you with her? Did you get bored? Do you like the young 'uns' ie. me? Marnie doesn't know who Anthea Turner is. That makes me feel ancient.
I saw this 'do you like getting spooned' bit on the LF. Grant is like a lamb to the slaughter! I don't think he's flirting. I think he probably thinks Marnie's on a task but his old fanny rat spidey-senses are tingling and he can't resist.
I think he thought 'getting spooned' meant something else. Wednesday: night off. 'Cool, man.' But he did say 'I'll think about big spoon/ little spoon.' Blatant come on.
Grant apparently looks like Kevin Spacey and and he's sexy. Neither of these are true!
Heavy D fancies Chloe and wants to get in there quick as 'there's a shark about'. Who's that? Ha, him showing off his 'Ferrari' and 'sun' tattoos was one of the most pitiful things I've ever seen on TV. I'm hoping her standards are low as he was bragging about making his pants last five days earlier.
Did I really need to see Frankie's ballbag? His arse was actually alright but the nutsack was a step too far.
The show ended on a low with Bear talking shit in the pool. A change from taking a shit in the woods, I guess.