Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Feel good finale eve!

So I kind of gave up blogging this series because it went a bit quiet and podcasting for three plus hours a week felt like enough. But I wanted to do a general overview and final blog.
I have really enjoyed the series and the casting was good on the whole. The triple eviction of Andrew, Dapper and Jonny was really stupid and made the final week a lot duller. To give one side power, have four up and kick three out is not good (quick) maths. I really misssed Andrew as a character (although I've heard we'll see him tonight - mixed feelings on that) and I thought the way Emma treated him in his interview was so disproportionate to what he actually did (called Ann a cunt - which she is) that it was offensive in itself. The fact that Daniel came out and didn't get pulled up on his continuous casual sexism (probably because he was going to propose to his girlfriend) was disappointing yet entirely predictable. I personally thought Andrew was spot on with what he said to Ann and with her 'protector of the unborn' crap last night, that was the final nail in her coffin for me. Do what you want with your withered womb Ann, but don't tell me what to do with mine. Ever.
As we predicted. Ann vs Courtney has become the story of the final week, and will be the the story of the final, with the result shining a light on us as a nation. Are we going to tolerate (and reward) the intolerant? My fear is that the answer is yes. Please say it aint so. Yet, Jim Davidson. 
So in tonight's episode all the old housemates are coming back, which is fine and will be entertaining, and I'm here for it... as long as it doesn't blow up Shane/Courtney's game.
Ginuwine is waking up the housemates, as opposed to putting them to sleep for once.
Where did these strippers come from! Wayne grabbing his crotch I can live without, although I do like Wayne (especially when he's drunk). I hope one of the strippers sits on Ann's lap.
Wayne after Ann scarpered: 'Ann is such a spoilsport but more for us.' Ha!
Male strippers are so gross. I couldn't look at them first thing in the morning either, to be honest. But I would... just because it was something new to look at.
John 'kick them out of the club' Barnes is now making Ann and Jess play football. That is a bad punishment. Sports bra needed for Ann, please. I put a sports bra on to play Just Dance earlier. You gotta keep those boobs in check.
I really HATE Ann talking to the camera. She's no Dan Gheesling and it's such an airtime grab. Just cos she can't interact with human housemates. She is a true gamer, which I don't mind, it's just her odious views she can keep.
India is reading the CBB news. I like her haircut. Fun watching them show Courtney's (fake) fall going in. You can tell it was fake because Shane J didn't look appalled, but who cares if it was fake? (Yeah, fuck off Amanda). It was hilarious. I like them watching clips of themselves. Shane L making a sandwich is literally his highlight of the series.
Amanda bathing Wayne, ha! Jess's 'cucumbers have salmonella' crap was the fakest shit I've ever seen (even though apparently it was true, I don't believe it). Also, Jess should have spoken up for herself yesterday when they were talking about sex on TV. Instead she sold her mates out. Not cool.
Ha, they are showing Dapper's proposal (one of the most cringe TV moments of the year so far... one step up from getting engaged on The Jeremy Kyle show).
India is summarising them all at the end. Said Shane J could risk 'becoming preachy'. Leave him alone. Watching Shane J get ostracised over the past week has been hard to watch as his heart is in the right place. Unlike someone in there who doesn't have one.
India mentioning her gender to Ann, ha. Ha, Ann throwing shade at India saying the public wasn't behind her. Then saying 'thank heavens the public don't have gender dysmorphia.' Oh dear.
Ann: 'India has a persecution complex.' That could be partly true but I still think she was a great housemate.
Dapper is now talking to the house. How is Jess so good at the 'yes/no' game when she's so 'dumb', hmm? I'm crap at it.
Shane J is soooo happy to see Daniel, aw! Shane J would like a night with Andrew where he couldn't talk. Me too!
I love Andrew talking from the memory wall, that's proper Tree of Temptation territory. My heart actually soared. It was proper Big Brother magic there. Like William going down the tunnel or Surly in the fishtank. It was such a good idea.
Wayne thinking Courtney was kissing Andrew's picture on the wall was so cute. I saw on Twitter Andrew gave Ann the finger when she walked past but I missed it! Legend.
Ha, Courtney confessing her 'love' for Andrew to Jess and then 'flirting with Wayne'. She looks ten foot taller than him.
Shane J then has to get Ann to try on one of her wigs. Haaa to Andrew giving it the thumbs up in the background! I wish Ann had seen it. Courtney; 'I don't think it's you' to Ann. Lolllllll. I'll say.
Wayne and Courtney are both dressed quite gaudily and similarly!
Andrew looks the best I've ever seen him inside the wall and he's coming across the nicest he ever has. Plus he's not had a go at Ann yet. Oh hold on, 'You smashed it, every single one of you. Even you, Ann.' Great passive aggressive stuff there! Just the right tone.
Oh no, they're making Rachel rap again. Why! 'Shane L did all the cooking but did you ever open your mouth' was a good line, though.
Ah all the old housemates coming back in. India: 'Ann, we will have a hug.' Jess sobbing to see Ashley! Why!
Aw the boys are in the hot tub! That's really cute actually. Another good idea from the task team. Ahhh Andrew's hug and kiss for Courtney brought a tear to my eye. Love them!
The housemates must be getting sooooo much info from this lot. This is why we don't have nice things - I mean live feed.
India is like the ghost at the feast, ha. She's counselling Courtney, bloody hell. Her advice is actually good. 'Your work is done' to Courtney. That seemed pretty genuine. Courtney looks stunning tonight.
India to Andrew and Courtney: 'Love comes in many forms.' True. Andrew, India and Courtney 'would be the craziest threesome in the world.' I liked India's 'I'm not being the jam in your sandwich, though.'
Rachel is trying to get the goss out of Andrew and Shane. Rachel saying Andrew's sign to Shane 'broke the internet.' Stop, Rachel. You're too old for memes.
What is this fake ass crap between Ashley and Ginuwine. Way to ruin my buzz. Scripted or what? Have they not spoken since they've been in the outside world?! Take your fake shit back to Made in Chelsea, bitch. 
Courtney and Andrew in the loo. Andrew is DEFINITELY getting a blowjob tomorrow night. His goodbye to Courtney: 'You are the most amazing thing I've met.' Thing! I have to hand it to him though, he didn't go in and tear into Ann. Much as I'd have liked to see it, it was best for Courtney's game that he didn't.
Malika going 'just win' to Courtney, aw.
Aw that was cute when the old housemates were at the top of the stairs. What a feel good episode! I wasn't expecting it, especially since this week has been a bit flat. Bringing the old housemates back could have easily gone another way, so well done to Ted (aka the producers) for keeping it light. We've had enough debates to last us the whole of 2018.
BB on Blast listeners, please give Shane J a vote! See you for Celebrity Big Brother US, which starts on 7th February. If you've never watched a BBUS this could be a good introduction to it. Enjoy the final, thanks for reading.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Playing the victim for strategy

Task! Is this the first proper task? They have dressed them all up like Stepford wives and 50s husbands and the men have to go work in the factory. Looks like they've had a proper makeover. Hmm. Outside contact?!
The women are waiting on the men and cooking them breakfast.
BUT THE REAL TASK IS. The women have to work in the factory too and beat the men. They seem quite happy about it, even Ann!
I'm not really paying attention to this task. Do they girls have an advantage because they know they're in competition with the boys?
The task is OK to watch not very good to blog about. Everyone is raving about it but I'm like 'meh'. My standard is people hanging off a wall on BBUS. Courtney is given a cue card (I imagine) saying 'What do you think about Donald Trump's locker room talk?' Andrew's obviously been given another cue card saying he has to say 'allegedly' before he says anything about Harvey Weinstein. Sigh. 'Innocent until proven guilty!' Tell that to Jimmy Saville.
Ginuwine is saying women might be making up some of the claims. Courtney is there to set him straight: 'The statistic of people misreporting sex crimes is very small. That's blaming the victim.' Oh my God, I love her so much. She is one of the only people on Big Brother that I not only enjoy watching, but that I'd also love to be friends with. I feel like I'd learn such a lot, and also have a bloody great time. He/she HAS to win.
Ashley is apologising to India for something. I don't know what for. I blinked and missed it.
Amanda: 'India's playing the victim is a strategy.' India: 'Where did that come from?' Where indeed! Who grassed up India? I think she was talking to Dapper about playing up her role, wasn't she? Snitch!
All the boys came back into the house and the women pretended they cleaned it, but were thwarted by Shane/ Courtney's questions about extension cords and the length of the cord. He wanted to know ALL the details. Jess is not a very good liar. Thwarted!
Ashley talking about women messing with the milkman back in the day. Ashley: 'Just so you know, I don't cheat.' Ginuwine: 'I've got more than enough for you.' Yuck.
Maggie is trying to get the dirt: 'You two look very cosy.' Ashley: 'I hug everyone.' Bitch, please.
They are now recycling stuff. Topical. Ooglies! Wayne Sleep is channeling Leslie Jordan with those glasses. 'Get the fuck outta here!' I like Wayne Sleep though! He seems sweet.
Dapper: 'Do you have feelings for Ashley?' Ginuwine: *laughing* 'I don't even know her.' Nice. Dapper has a great way of bringing out the worst in the men. Also, I don't want to look at his bum crack.
The men are talking about shaving their pubes. Wayne is interested in doing it cos it makes your dick look bigger. Thanks for that image, Wayne. Men who shave their pubes are girls. I'm not a fan.
Shane L is talking about Stephen Gately's coming out story. Poor Steo. RIP.
Did I really just heard Andrew from the Apprentice use the term 'cis women'? I have officially seen it all. That is some futuristic shit. I think I have only ever read that online (oh no, we did discuss it in my office actually). Andrew is discussing vaginas with India. India chose hers from a book.
Malika says Jonny has come out of his shell. But Ashley knows what the British crowd are like, and we like the drama of India. Malika doesn't have a clue how this show works! She'll get a shock when someone gets booed to hell and then stays and the winner gets booed. That's how it works in Borehamwood. We keep you on your toes.
Andrew likes a bit of lip, a bit of labia on the vagina. Not good news for Courtney, as hers is made of masking tape.
The boys think Ashley and Ginuwine are going to kiss tonight. But they have to say it in such a laddy, horrible way.
Interesting that India said she likes Ashley and that Ashley 'is patient with her.' I wouldn't like to have a personality where people had to be patient with me.
India is regretting going on about gender too much. India is gaming now. I love it. India is in full game mode. 'Everyone is banking on me going out.. but maybe there's still time.' YES. India must stay. What is Jonny doing? Smiling and dribbling?
Ashley is perving on Ginuwine through the bedroom window and he's beckoning her into bed. But she didn't go. Their relationship is quite old skool Big Brother as well, it's very slow moving, but the difference is, I don't care what happens as I don't care about either of them. I don't hate them, I'm just blah on them. BLAH.
New BBonBlast coming tomorrow night! If you like the podcast SAVE INDIA. Cheers!

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: I straddle the gender divide

I just noticed for the first time Marcus not saying 'day 8'! That is odd. Bit I only just noticed. So how odd is it?
Who are Wayne and Maggie mad about? India? I enjoyed them bitching about people 'holding court.'
Racism talk! John is right, they wouldn't put 'white' in front of the word 'paedophile gang.' Interesting to hear about the press regulations.
Malika from KUWTK giving Ann Widdecome a haircut. Whatever next!
Marcus: 'India is bringing the conversation back to her favourite subject - herself.' SHADE.
India is annoyed that men would feel more comfortable flirting with Shane/ Courtney. The Shane's saying 'it's your attitude' to her. Shane/ Courtney is very astute to say it's not coming across well to us at home too.
Shane L: 'Don't be angerfied.' To be sure.
Ann's haircut looks great! I like Ann's pride about her thick hair and hair colour. Not so sure about her make up though. She looks like she has pink eye. Can't they do her some smoky eye!
Ahhh Ann was happy to get wolf whistled therefore good looking girls who get harassed daily should be OK with it. Ann saying women are easily offended and po faced. Yes, we know you are, Ann.
Ginuwine mentioning his name is Elgin Lumpkin. I already knew that! I have a Ginuwine fan in my office.
Secret mission! Malika is on a task to do some things. Swap beds, give compliments, play pranks. Yes as usual, I wasn't listening, ha. Someone won some shortbread.
Ginuwine and Ashley might be my least favourite showmance ever. Stone cold.
Ann prefers Shane as Shane. She thinks Courtney is a tart! Courtney: 'I straddle the gender divide.' Ann: 'Courtney is a tramp.' Poor Courtney! Don't let her get abused like that, Shane! Stick up for yourself, ha.
Ginuwine asking Wayne when he came out 'as it was hard back then.' Wayne didn't want to come out while his mum was alive. It's nice Ginuwine is taking an interest. Not good at pretending he knows who Queen is, though. Americans are always flossing their teeth!
Wayne is doing his jungle tales. Wayne thinks Big Brother is tougher than the jungle. He said, at least in the jungle you see Ant and Dec every morning. I could like without that, to be honest. Wayne got annoyed because Rachel got distracted while talking to him and he wanted the attention, ha. Rachel is kind of annoying. She's in the middle of every fucking thing.
At least they're racing through the face to face noms. The editing has been really good this year, they're not treating us like memory-less five year olds.
Why did Ann nominate Andrew! I thought she liked him, Maybe she finds him flirting with her a bit cringy. Ann actually looks good in the red, sparkly dress. She scrubs up reasonably!
Ann: 'I hope India goes and not you' to Jonny, ha. 'You weren't even on my radar.'
Courtney: 'Are you going for redemption or panto villian?' to India. They edited that from yesterday and actually made India look a bit better as India said she was going to wage war.
Dapper pointing out that the crowd didn't like India. I don't like India's pearly lipstick. I hate glossy lipstick! Keep it matte.
Courtney asking Malika if she would be OK going out with a guy who has slept with men. She said no. I guess bisexual men should be pleased when they get a girlfriend who doesn't mind (ie. me!)
Andrew and Ashley are bitching about India having a go at Ginuwine.
Courtney had a threesome with two girls who were lesbians. How does that work!
Dressing gown watch: I like Maggie's dressing gown and India's dressing gown.
India has actually taken being nominated pretty well. I would not have called it. India: 'What do the people who push the numbers want to see?' I want to see more India. India: 'People have done very well out of that.' GAMER!
Malika says India is a ticking time bomb on the sofa. Doesn't seem that way to me, but I've only seen about three minutes of it, I guess.
Rachel is sorry for giving a stupid reason for nominating Jonny (because she fancies him). She's planning on getting off with him in the toilet ha.
Ashley is washing Ginuwine's clothes. 'I nearly folded them and thought I'm not his wife... yet.' No, but you could be his next babymomma. Give it a week.
I saw this sexual harassment chat on the live feed. Malika was making some good points. John: 'Men haven't got worse, women are just not accepting the behaviour.' Interesting.
Dapper bringing it back to the men like the little misogynistic prick he is.
Courtney is so smart. I love her challenging Dapper's stupid views. 'It's not just about intent... a woman can't go up to men and challenge them.' Dapper thinks men would be all cool with it. What would actually happen is instead of them wolf whistling you, they'd call you a frigid or an ugly fat bitch.
Jess and Ashley are pissed in the bath talking shit. I don't know what the fuck they're on about. Secret code? Look at that glittery, smoky eyeshadow on Jess. Christmas is over!
Andrew likes flirting with Courtney. Maybe she can help him come out. Dapper's stories whenever they show Ashley and Ginuwine holding hands are so awful. I would vote him out in two seconds flat if I was in there. I can't believe he didn't get one vote!
Jonny telling Courtney to 'break Andrew's metaphorical walls down.' I think it might go a bit further than that. I hope it does! Mantub redux! Dragtub!
Courtney didn't think she'd be friends with the laddy lads. She probably wouldn't be if she heard the way they talk in private.
I'm still really enjoying CBB. It just feels so fresh this year. I don't want it to end! And BOTS on straight after? It's almost like someone who cares about the show is making the show again!

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: 'Go back to Love Island'

My friend whose girlfriend is trans told me today that her girlfriend and other trans people she knows are getting more abuse (than usual) because of India being in Big Brother. She said, (and I don't think she'll mind me quoting this part): "It's deepening the divide between binary and nb trans people, and between the trans and drag communities." You open the trapdoor to the bigots, and they take it onto the streets. Scary when it's a real person, my friend's real girlfriend, and not just a TV character, isn't it? Scary when you say something awful on Twitter and see others say it on Twitter, you then think it's OK to shout it at someone in the street. This is people's reality, not a scene on a show.
Which brings us onto the face to face nominations, in which every person will nominate India. I actually wish she was immune because I don't want her to go out first, even though she gets on my nerves. I just can't bear the booing.
That background version of the Big Brother music still sends a shiver down my spine, unlike those idiots going 'woo woo' who need slapping. I like Emma's pink coat.
Only the women can vote... but they can vote for each other. And they will. Ann will delight in nominating two women.
I wish Big Brother would stop showing this same old conversation. There must be some other shit happening in the house.
Shane/ Courtney says newly trans people go through a short of adolescence. I can see that.
John Barnes gets what India is scared of - the same thing I've been saying all week! Who'd have thought it, a thoughtful footballer! *Mind blown*
Shane is doing the Boyzone files. Ronan thinks he's is clearly a cut above the others. I despise Ronan Keating. I haven't a strong idea of what I really think about Shane L yet. He seems a decent bloke so far.
Ginuwine says Ashley is going to come to the states and see him. That was fast work! 'You might find us kissing in the spa... who knows.' Hope not.
Ann is talking to Rachel about why Boris withdrew from being Conservative leader. Apparently it was because there wasn't many people backing him (or as Gaz just said, in rather a good tweet, even I must admit, Boris's alliance didn't have the numbers). Rachel gave something away there... that Boris is not really chaotic. You don't say! It's all an act.
Dapper 'If you had to pick one of the girls to hook up with for one night, who would you? Ashley knows how to handle herself.' Andrew: 'They're all fit, I'd bang them all, but why just for one night?' Prince Charming, is that you? Dapper needs to 'recover afterwards.' In your fucking dreams, mate. Reminiscent of 'Absolutely fantastic' Ash's 'slutbuckets' chat with Marlon. YEAR OF THE WOMAN.
Dapper is telling a story about his crappy horror film 'Fanged up' but we're only hearing about it because Ashley and Ginuwine are holding hands during it. They have about as much chemistry as Peter and Toyah in Corrie.
Jonny wearing a onesie covered in birdshit there. Have to bring back eek or chic for that one.
Rachel doesn't want to leave her bed for Ginuwine and is being accused of 'cockblocking.' I prefer to think of it as keeping the population down.
Ann Widdecome thinks Meghan Markle is trouble. Is it because she is black? Yes. Meghan Markle seems nothing but lovely. Not compliant enough for you, Ann? Own career! Scary! Oh strong woman! Not a little mouse like Kate.
Courtney's balls are tucked up inside! John Barnes and Shane L aren't impressed. 'my balls wouldn't go inside' says John, ha.
Ashley has put eye make up on Ann! She looks nice! I likes Ashley saying 'should I tone it down?' even though there's none on there. That was considerate.
Even John Barnes has to ask Courtney if he wants to be a woman! See, people are so confused. Big Brother is educating people. I love 'it's a rich tapestry.'
TALENT SHOW TIME. Shane's singing is fucking dreadful. I can sing better than that. The women crying at it! It was shit!
Malika looks like she's had botox in the house. Outside contact!
Andrew did juggling cos he has no talent. I like them playing John's song. They should have got him to sing it. OMG he's actually rapping to it. Karaoke classic. John is in his element. I love what I've seen of him so far.
Jonny is chatting people up as a talent. Is that a talent? Actually, it can be. But not in this instance.
Tap dancing. Oh Lord, Dapper's stand up comedy. I'm not calling him Daniel anymore as he's clearly just Dapper. Are his jokes written down? Writing materials! And he slutshamed Ashley!
Andrew on Ginuwine: 'He's got 9 kids, he doesn't wear condoms.' Yuck.
Courtney's song was great. I LOVE her outfit. I can see the Kylie Minogue thing now. India and Ann's faces: standard. BODY PARTS!
Ginuwine is singing his song Pony, which is aptly named. Crap!
LOL Malika voted for Shane L to win the talent show. Pity vote! Courtney was the clear winner. Ashley being her usual do-gooding self and voting for Dapper after he slutshamed her. Dumbo!
Ann nominated Wayne, ha. Old people's entertainment. Pity votes for Jonny, too, as he has no talent. Good of India to nominate Courtney. True gaming! Ah but she wrote 'Shane' on the board and not Courtney! Courtney does not miss a trick. 'People are feeling eggshelly. Drag-queen-o-phobia.' Great turns of phrases! Went to bet on her today, but the odds were no good. She was favourite to win. Remember when I put that bet on India! Oops.
Courtney is showing India her chicken fillets and her gloves with nails. Gloves with nails! I could see them on Dragon's Den.
Ginuwine is regaling Ashley with his showbiz tales of nearly ponying Janet Jackson.
Dapper thought Courtney was a woman when she came in. Did he just say, 'I could have fucked it!' I can't rewind it right now! Courtney's pink wig is gorgeous.
I think Ginuwine must smell really great because I don't see the appeal myself. And I'm sure he won't mind me saying, as he did about India, ha.
Do women REALLY get offended by men opening doors for them? Let's see... I'm a woman... I'm a feminist... no, we don't. Urban myth!
Courtney in the hot tub in her earrings and wig! Love it.
Dapper is nervous about the first eviction. I hope he should be.
India is worried about 'the coven of witches' nominating her. But then said 'Bring on the real Big Brother where the knives come out... bring it on.'
OK then!
Emma is talking to the house. Nice to see them all dressed up for once!
The women are now losing control and the sexes will battle for power. HOH!
Emma is in the house. I bet the women turn on each other. Cannibalism time! Ah, those gold bubble envelopes. 10 for £1 in Poundland.
Emma enforcing the rules and chatting to them. The rules don't seem that hard tbh. Two pics in the envelope. Get on with it.
Malika nominated Andrew for not cleaning the toilet even though he's not the 'toilet person.'
Ann saying Malika's reason for nominating her wasn't valid 'because they're torturing her.' Fuck off Ann. You don't want to know the real reason.
Rachel nominated India and Johnny for being good looking. India nominated India and Johnny because of something in the outside. Don't think that should be allowed. The crowd are cheering when India gets nominated. Yuck.
India nominated Ann for not taking part in the tasks and Ginuwine because he doesn't fancy her, basically.
Amanda also nominated Jonny for being 'on the outside edge of the group' and said 'Go back to Love Island.' Best words ever said in the house. Love Island-ist! And Amanda nommed India.
And Maggie nommed India about the beds. And Maggie nommed Jonny. What's Jonny done to deserve it! He seems OK. Pointless, but OK.
Jess nominated India for 'not respecting her elders' and Ann. Why is Jess talking so fast?
Ann nominated India for causing too many rows and Andrew for being laddish. I thought she was sweet on Andrew! That didn't last long.
It's good no one is being evicted until Friday. We're definitely getting our money's worth from the housemates.
The housemates up are India and Johnny in a head to head! OMG. I love a good face off. I hate it when there's twenty odd up.
Ooooh! That little snippet of Courtney saying to India 'are you going to be the panto villain now' because India said it was easy to nominate. Just five seconds and there's so much there! Delicious.
I liked the way Emma said 'thanks for watching and have a good night' at the end. It made me feel like the night wasn't over. But is basically is.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: You were attracted to a Dalek?

We did an epic podcast last night, woo. Check it out if you have a spare three hours. Yes, three hours.
I think I might be getting a bit sick of gender talk now. Can we have some other storylines please? But that might be because I talked about it for three hours, right.
India and John are talking about guys coming out in football. That's why I don't like football. It closets people. India is living in la la land if she thinks a gay footballer will get a standing ovation.
Andrew calling gay people 'weak' basically saying being gay could be considered a sign of weakness? Why! Are gay players not going to be able to kick straight? Are women footballers too busy doing their hair?
I like Shane (Courtney's) sex tales. Shane says Courtney is more than an act, it's 'part of her gender expression.' That's interesting.
India's vagina works and she can orgasm. She was watching Doctor Who on Christmas Day and got a flutter down there while looking at a Dalek. Whatever floats your boat! Festive fun. Interesting hearing the difference between the male and female orgasm from someone who's had both.
Rachel is looking for the next step of what to do in her life. Oh, Ann actually gave Rachel a compliment saying what she does is just as valid as her brothers. Fuck me.
Shane Lynch doing the Stephen Gately tales. I'll never forget Jan Moir and how she spoke about him in the Daily Mail. Absolutely unforgivable and despicable. She basically said he died because of drugs (not true) and asked for it because he was gay. Disgusting. I do genuinely wish an early death on her for that.
What is this task? Oh they're all telling embarrassing stories. I can't write all these down. Ann is not too happy with stories about shitting yourself. Big Brother people are obsessed with shitting and pissing.
Oh, they have to tell who's lying! I always miss the task instructions and get lost halfway! I need Gaz here to help me.
The Michael Jackson impersonating was fun. I could live without all this wank talk as well. This feels like boring barrel scraping Big Brother to me, like one of the bad old seasons past.
Ginuwine is hating on Trump. Ann of course, hates Hillary, because she hates all women.
Andrew is getting dragged up. He wants a 'PC' drag name for Ann's benefit. 'Betty Swallocks' doesn't sound THAT PC. to be honest.
India saying 'before it turns up' about Andrew as a drag queen. India doesn't want it to look homophobic that she doesn't want to see a straight man in drag. Um? Malika is right, India could just go in another room, but she'd rather have the storyline. Dapper: 'I have a phobia of ex Love Island contestants.' That was actually half funny.
How strong is that sellotape? I can't even get a plaster to stick to my foot. Andrew's ass cheeks are stuck together cos he's taped his dick between his legs, ha. 'It's going to hurt when it comes off.'
Andrew does look good in drag. India is pretending she's freaked out. She is a serious attention seeker. Jess and Rachel are right to comment. Mind you, I have an actual phobia, and I could not confront it, and other people would find it irrational and call me stupid, so there you go.
I do think India is insane. But I feel protective over her because of how much shit she gets on Twitter.
Andrew seems very comfortable in drag. I like the fact he enjoys looking ten out of ten, ha.
Andre is taking his make up off to appease nutty India. That's nice of him. Ooh, I wouldn't relish pulling that tape off. Ebay?
Andrew just spoke to India like she was five. But then she is acting like she's five, so. It's getting really hard to defend her, except against transphobia. She is acting up a lot.
Dapper thinks one of the guys should get with Jess, because he wants to but can't.
Ashley is talking to Ginuwine about her future career and how she wants to have a baby. Number 10? You could be stepmum to one of his?
Ginuwine wants more kids! How the fuck does he keep track of nine! With five women, I think I heard on the radio today. Dog!
India comes back to the living room with mascara all down her face. 'I'm not a special type of woman. I'm a woman.' Malika walks off. India doesn't like people laughing at a man dressed as a woman. Actually, if you put it like that, it makes more sense.
India is driving Malika up the wall, ha. Malika is right though, India was given the option to leave the room.
India is comparing drag queens to the black and white minstrels. Oh fuck. You can see Ginuwine trying to understand what the fuck is going on.
Andrew: 'I'm a hetrosexual male but I'm camp as fuck.' His eyebrows look very well groomed for a straight man. He's cute, though. I see his side, he was breaking boundaries for himself as a straight man. He actually made a good point, too. God, these people are at such cross purposes. It's exhausting.
India accusing the men as not seeing her a woman. They haven't said anything to suggest that. 'It's what you think in your head.' How the fuck does she know what they're thinking! Mad. I would be livid if someone presumed my thoughts to me! The truth is, they're the thoughts inside India's head.
India: 'On your bike!'
Andrew: 'Dickhead, fuck you, you prick.' Not a nice way to talk to a woman, is it? Nasty side to Andrew at the end there and he's dumb because he did have the moral high ground. And that's what good about characters like India and Ann. They bring out the side of you Andrew doesn't want you to see.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Anything's a dildo if you try hard enough

Right, let's see if the men going in ruins the show or not. I think we have the most old school CBB on our hands since C4... and the male casting was OK (despite obvious minus points). So fingers crossed.
I can barely remember watching the eviction last night I was so hammered so apologies for yesterday's blog. And in advance for this one.
India has her boobs out in the bathroom. Well, that's quite Big Brother-ish isn't it. I wish I hadn't put that tenner on her to win. That was the worst timed Big Brother bet I've ever done. I think it's good India is body confident. I'm sure Twitter doesn't. The amount of abuse she is getting is disproportionate to her actions in the house. So I can only think the truth: transphobia.
Ha, the women are getting a sneak peek at the men and assigning them jobs to do. Ann is hoping to see Harrison Ford. You'd be lucky to get Jar Jar Binks. Malika can't understand a word Shane is saying.
Ann 'didn't take to' Dapper Laughs. Me either. Finally, we agree. Ha, her face when Ginuwine was on the screen. Malika used to fancy him at school.
India was not happy to see Courtney go in. I just had to write down 'gender queer pansexual polyamourous vegan athiest feminist blonde Australian.' What a delightful intro. I didn't have the motor skills to write that last night.
They made Daniel the toilet cleaner. Ann thinks it's disgusting. It seems she prefers rape jokes to athiest polyamourous vegans. Why am I not surprised?
Ann is upset that the task is about women humiliating the other gender. Just like men have done to us throughout history. Boo fucking hoo.
I think it's fair Ann doesn't want to sleep in the room with then men. Didn't India say she'd give Ann the bed back after a few days? Ah, Big Brother SHOWED IT. They are really throwing her under the bus. India, you did say you would move and go in with the men.
India: 'Some people are more equal than others.' I think I'm done with India now... except when she's getting trans bashed. I will always stick up for her on that one. 'Ann Widdecombe is a miserable old bag'. Truth.
Bedgate! India is fed up with the 'OAP Mafia' and doesn't want to move beds. Big Brother is tell her she has to move! Is Big Brother taking sides?! If it was Ann's bed, they should have given it to Ann on night one.
Does Courtney have an invisible cord attached to her dress to make it fall off all the time? It's very Carry On, isn't it.
Daniel looks like a potato. But has less charm. Rachel is not liking the men. Courtney trying to win Ann over, ha. Good fucking luck.
Wayne pirouetting in. He seems nice! He'll probably turn into a complete terror. I'm a terrible judge of character.
India telling Courtney she has a phobia of drag queens. I think India just has a phobia of people thinking she's a drag queen.
John wants to share a bed with Andrew because he's skinny. That's my policy on sleeping with men, too.
Aw, Courtney and Wayne sharing a bed! Oh no, Shane is sharing with Shane! I like them clarifying what to call Courtney. I would do the same. The answer was quite simple, wasn't it.
It's great that Courtney isn't sensitive about being called he or she... because she plays BOTH roles. India DOESN'T. But the idiot general public are too dumb to work out the difference.
Ooh the women are in a secret room! The power room. Power trip!
The women assigned John and Shane to be chefs. They assigned Wayne and Ginuwine to ve the butlers.
Malika has come out of her shell since the men entered! I like it. The house cleaners were picked as Courtney and Andrew because they both look hygienic, haha.
Jonny and Daniel were chosen as toilet cleaners. At least it's quicker than having to clean the whole house. I'd be a bit annoyed at cleaning a toilet I haven't even peed in yet.
Daniel: 'My missus makes me do a bit of cleaning.' Heaven forbid you do it off your own back.
Andrew saying he likes Ann's 'dark salmon nightie.' Thanks for the shot of that.
India likes 'a cocktail of genders on the house.' Courtney: 'Anything's a dildo if you try hard enough.' I really wish she'd said that to Ann. Mind you, Ann knows.
Daniel doing his rape joke story. 'I was teaching men how to pull birds.' His rape joke was 'out of context' haaaa. Good one! Now that's a funny joke. Him winning Big Brother during the 'year of the women' - that's not. I hate Alma and Maggie coddling him. They're not getting my vote. Apologists!
I'm getting Sean Maguire (old person reference) vibes from Jonny and Daniel is a cut-price Jamie O Hara, if you can imagine such a thing. Yes, cleaning up shit is your appropriate role.
Daniel saying he'd be 'second knuckle' into Jess. And Dapper was just a character, hey? I think you forgot to take him off. Hardly going to be a feminist vegan underneath  that sort of comedy character, which is why I also despise Leigh Francis/ Keith Lemon.
Any airtime Jess gets reminds me of the bad old days of Big Brother. She makes my IQ drop.
Courtney sleeps with anything. If a woman says that, they'd get shit.
Ah Ann in the DR, let's see what she thinks of this crap. Ann, don't you have a dressing gown! Ann didn't like Courtney losing her skirt. You don't say.
Why does India use the word 'transsexual?' As far as I was aware that was an outdated term, but you think she would know? I find it puzzling.
She's asking the guys if they would go out with a transgender person. They're saying no. But lots of guys would. Courtney is right... it is about fragile masculinity.
Ginuwine has massive hands. He says who he sleeps with is a choice. He's right! India, you can't nag someone into dating you. I have been with guys who have been with trans people. They are out there.
India is a bit too much. Courtney: 'He's just not that into you' is correct.
I'm glad Courtney is challenging India on her views. India doesn't see herself as LGBT. But she doesn't really have a cohesive argument.  She's as fixed in her views as Ann.
Poor Ginuwine coming into this! Malika: 'I'm 100% sure we're dealing with a victim.' She's right. I like fiery Malika! Victim blame! But... OK in this case, ha. India has skulked off to bed.
Courtney is wearing a onesie! Is that still a thing in Australia? I haven't seen one of those in five years.
Rachel cuddling India. I feel Rachel enjoys the drama tbh. I do agree with India though that people just pretend to accept she's a woman. Several people in the house do.
New BBonBlast podcast tomorrow! Stay tuned. Dapper fave to win, apparently. God bless the UK. Snowflakes! Brexit!

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: Who's the man with a plan?

Who's the man? Brandon Flowers, collecting his royalties. So will the show be royally butchered when the men go in? Let's see.
I like Emma's furry sequinned coat but not her crappy windswept hair.
Standard Big Brother twerking and slut dropping. Have they not even dabbed yet? So retro.
Amanda calling India 'he'. That's Ann, Rachel and Amanda who's done it now. Not acceptable.
Amanda was not very apologetic. Ann: 'An apology is always enough.' Who the fuck are YOU to say that! It's NOT for you to judge it. You're not transgender!
Eek, gone right off Amanda in two seconds flat. She did not sound sorry at all. Ann chipping in with her two pence worth, yuck.
Ah, Amanda is drunk. Fuck Rachel too, saying India's reaction was 'performative.' Fuck these old bitches. Bigots. Gross. Ann just stirs it up. Poisonous.
India having to tell them she's a real woman. They will never understand. They will never get it. Small minded. I can't believe how much hate India is getting on Twitter. I don't know why! I think she's good! I think she's in the right. Even my mum tweeted me that 'India is getting nasty.' How! She's no Phelan!
Sad piano/ guitar music. India hiding in the garden under a blankie. Imagine going through all that and having people just call you 'he' still. How undermined must you feel.
Side note: I like Amanda's orange coat.
Ooh then men are going in already!
John Barnes the footballer is first in. I have never minded him as far as footballers go. And I hate 99% of footballers. I like his crappy song.
Yuck, I hate these inside interviews! Annoying. Save it for the eviction. John is anti homophobia and racism and judges people based on their character. I hope so! Minorities should support each other.
John Barnes- the new Ziggy.
Next in is Courtney Act, a feminist vegan drag queen. I loved his description of himself. He looks great as a woman. I love his name too. I don't know anything about him but I know people are excited about him going in. He's Australian! Interesting.
Confusing hashtags - are we calling him Shane or Courtney! The difference is, it doesn't matter like it does with India.
OMG Courtney falling over. And no pants! Best entrance since Gary Busey. I don't care if it was fake, it was amazing. It did look like he tripped on his dress. No pants and covering up his junk. Oh my. I'm speechless. Rewound this at least five times. Emma was cracking up. Wish I'd been in the audience for that.
Next up Shane Lynch. 'I think the world is disgusting for the way they treat women.' Me too! You can open doors for men and women though, Shane. Shane has been watching! He knows the house dynamics. Can't we just call him Shane and Courtney Courtney? I can't deal with another Luke A/ Luke S situation.
Next in is Jonny Mitchell. 'Feminism has gone too far. - no point being a feminist then saying you don't want to split the bill.' Good point. He looks like Bo Baskoro, a singer I like, haaa. Nice for a villian to have a lisp. Good for the podcast, haaaa. He's gotta be from Essex! I do think he's not bad looking despite the hair.
Next in is Dapper Laughs who said women are 'gagging to be raped.' Oh, he's trying to be a reformed character. Emma: 'It's time to hear him out.' Fuck off! Oh he's had a baby girl, let's hope she never gets raped. Did he just make a joke about his dead dad fiddling his baby? Oh you've got a dead dad and you've had a baby. Fuck off!
So we have to call him Daniel now. Ha, and now he's bragging about being given loads of money! NICE. He even looks like a complete cunt. Jamie O Hara vibes!
Ooh John Barnes looked a bit uncomfortable when Dapper came in! Interesting. I would grill the fuck out of him! And he goes straight to Ann and talks to her. I can't believe there's no live feed tonight! Fail.
And we're back. Nice to see Dapper Laughs getting cheered by the crowd, isn't it?
Next in is Wayne Sleep. I don't know much about him but the older gay trope can be quite entertaining... as long as it's not Louis Spence. He's already friends with Amanda. I like the fact he's five foot two. So am I! He's dancing on the way in. I hope he's fun.
Who's drunk all the champagne! I'd be fuming.
Andrew from the Apprentice is cute. Looks a bit gay though. Feminism means women should spoon men. Yes, that's the cause we're fighting for. Look at his shoes with no socks and meggings though. And his friends in their coats. Shameful. He does seem quite friendly though.
Ok, I'm drunk now. Next in is Ginuwine. I do remember his song Pony now I just replayed it on YouTube. Does he know what 'pony' means in the UK? He looks a bit greasy. Sisquo! Fatman Scoop! I loved Fatman Scoop though. I think he's more Sisquo that Fatman Scoop. Racist! I just called Fatman Scoop 'Fatboy Scoop' on Twitter because I'm drunk. That's like the worst mash up ever. Right here! Right now!
So only the women can vote and the women have to assign roles for the men to do. Haaa! So the men have to crawl to them. Dapper Laughs for toilet cleaner!
Again, criminal there's no live feed now. Yes, I am still beating that drum. When we visited the house, they had channels for different rooms, so they COULD show it, if they wanted. But they don't. They burnt their own house down.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: It's CBB, not Panorama

I don't think Ann slept on her own because she's a snorer. I think she slept on her own because everyone hates her, including me. Unpleasant person. I don't think there's much excuse for misgendering someone when you're in a house with ONLY women. Ann is doing it deliberately to be mean, in my opinion.
India is talking about her transition. It only took place two years ago! I like how confident she is. A far cry from the horrible Kellie Maloney.
Rachel asking Ann what she thinks about gender reassignment surgery on the NHS is a bit naughty as she knows she's gonna dig a big hole for herself. Ann's priority is children going blind. I don't think Ann really cares about mental health. Ann has the face she deserves. Bitter woman.
I like how Amanda knows herself so well, and I guess by 82, you would. I like the fact she just doesn't give a fuck.
Jess didn't understand what way to vote for Brexit so didn't vote. I think it's probably better not to vote than to vote for something dumb, which she obviously would have, because she's dumb as a rock. Ann digging her out for not voting, but what's the point in voting if you don't know what you're voting for? I'd rather thick people didn't bother, and then I wouldn't have to hear the non-word 'Brexit' seventy billion times a day. Yeah, thanks for that, old people.
Another patronising task. Having to go against stereotypes against women. Patronising claptrap. Ann's attitude to tasks is like my attitude to life. Why is she even there? How much did they pay her?
The axe throwing actually looks fun but dangerous. India's throwing was horrendous. I'm glad Malika is winning. I like her and I think she's vulnerable if it's a vote to save.
Jess wants to 'come out of her comfort shell.' Fake Jade Goody of the week! Maybe she will learn something in the house. Anything. Please.
Ooh, Ann to Rachel 'what is the point of working and getting someone else to look after your children?' Gauntlet thrown! It's easy for Ann to say 'if you have children they come first' when you have NO FUCKING CHILDREN. It's none of your business! I wish everyone would just let other people live their lives the way they want to. If it's not affecting you, butt the fuck out. Ooh, butt fuck.
India has never been with a man. Interesting. But she's not attracted to women. I'm guessing it can be hard to date when you're transgender. You have to be with an open minded guy.
India's son is not speaking to her at the moment. It must be hard for family when people transition. You have to get used to a new reality, I guess, but it's really sad.
Drone shots! I do like the editing on the new show, and the social media is better too. Hello, Alfie Green. Could do with some more GIFs though. I guess we'll have to make our own!
I like Ashley's earrings while changing the tyre because I'm just a simple woman, focused on trinkets. This is the most patronising thing I have ever witnessed in my life and I've seen Fearne Cotton present Top of the Pops.
I'm scared to look at Twitter because of the abuse India is no doubt getting for having an 'unfair advantage'.  This task is a transphobe's dream. I swear this theme is stirring up more hate than any normal series towards women.
Rachel bitching about Ann in the DR. Thinks the decor is 'fine'. I've been in there, and it's lovely. I love all the copper. John Lewis plates. Whatever.
The look of joy after Ann 'accidentally' called India 'she' says it all. Rotten to the core. India is very tolerant.
Amanda has so much knowledge because she's so old. But she doesn't seem doddery at all and she looks great! Pensioner goals.
Ann is against female priests. I can't wait to vote to evict her. Amanda 'religion causes more wars than anything else.' So true. That was a bit of a sour dinner. I enjoy the political chat!
India has a lot of cleavage on show at the dinner table. I bet Ann is fuming!
Ashley is so annoying and I don't even know why. I would react like Ann to someone telling a story about shitting themselves. What is she, Scotty T? Oh, was it about her period? I switch off when she talks. Same thing. Bodily fluid talk. Equality!
Maggie likes younger men but ageism is alive and kicking in the UK. True. Jess: 'Madonna's done it.' Madonna has a lot of backing dancers to choose from.
It's actually tragic that Ann has never been in love. I pity her but I'm not at all surprised.
Malika is right that Ann is cold and that she's not interested in anything she doesn't agree with. India says Ann has a heart of gold. She really doesn't. She's hateful. India is so nice with Ann and Ann is just curmudgeonly towards her.
Malika is looking forward to seeing how the women change when the men come in. Interesting. I think the women will be super territorial when the men arrive. The bed situation is going to be carnage. In fact, the whole thing might be carnage.
I know everyone's worried about ratings, and I think they should be. Every night on Twitter I search 'CBB' and 'people I follow' and it normally takes me about 10 minutes to scroll through the tweets. Tonight it took me about two. No one is tweeting. It's not trending. It's a shame because it's been good.
If they put Dapper Laughs in tomorrow, we could have another fight night on our hands, and THEN we'll get the headlines, and THEN it will be trending.
But THEN don't pretend this is about feminism. It will be about exploitation and shock value. And if one of the women smacks him one, I don't fucking blame them.

Celebrity Big Brother 2018: No umbrage will ever be taken

We went to the live launch yesterday and went in the house and met Rylan again! There's loads of pics and some videos on our Facebook page including a house tour and a podcast we did on the train, including two exclusive interviews with people you've never heard of. It was a gay old time.
But how was the launch! Rainy and patronising. Men were offended. Women were offended. Old women were put in the house. It's a big risk, I think. But it was nice not to see the usual Geordies and Towies. Is Big Brother really getting serious? Do we want them to? I don't think they can win either way, can they? There will always be complaints on both sides.
I watched last night's live feed just now and it was interesting seeing women debating. I was surprised to hear many of them say they hadn't experienced discrimination before listing all the ways they are discriminated against! India understands the issue truly, as she has seen it from both sides.
Recap! 'Isn't this ghastly!' Probably the best line of the night about the delightful house which actually looked wonderful. I loved all the copper and the couches are really lovely. Kitchen was cool, bedrooms were nice, I don't see what the problem is! They've even got the DR chair right.
I love the fact India knows the feminist history. I don't! I'm a bad feminist. I like the way they're cutting up the interesting tidbits people are saying.
Jess's eyes freak me out! Cat eyes.
Amanda and Ann are both snorers. Get in the other room, quick!
At the moment India has this in the bag. No one is even close. I think I'll put a bet on actually. Just did it, put a tenner on her! Not even seen the men go in yet! That's how confident I am! *throws money away*
Ann is bed blocking!
That's weird they didn't even reshow the daggy sexist task with the wires. Don't blame them, though. Jess and Amanda get to give two other housemates immunity, too.
Malika calling herself a TV personality, aw. I like Malika! She's better than Jonathan Cheban. I think she comes across quite well on KUWTK, but mind you, everyone else on there is such a cunt, it's quite easy to.
India doing her transition story straight out the gate, Luke A style. She doesn't agree with Ru Paul calling himself transgender. He doesn't, does he! He's a drag queen! Uh oh.
Maggie seems an interesting character, even though she's not a celebrity. Not sure she's mastered putting on lipstick, though.
I hate Ann Widdecombe as much as she hates positive discrimination. Her views are so warped.
Women talking about make up. Empowerment!
Ah here's the bit from yesterday's live feed. I have seen female directors in my own workplace treated like PAs so I know it happens.
Ann is so dogmatic that her opinion is right in every circumstance and it's so annoying. People have different perspectives.
Ann cites ONE top police officer as being female as being acceptable. NO, IT ISN'T. So people are equally paid in parliament. But there aren't as many female MPs as men! So it's not fucking equal, you thick old bat. Don't you get it? There are 50% men and 50% women on the planet.
I'm not really interested in the posing naked debate. It's entirely a personal choice.
Rachel posed naked to 'celebrate women's whatever' but 'it didn't really.' Enough said. Still none of Ann's fucking business though.
I don't like Ashley, I find her quite annoying and I'm not sure if it's because she's posh. I normally like a posho.
The diary room looks great on camera! It's a bit hard to sit on. Looks fucking cool though.
Jess is scared of Ann. I would be if I was her, too. Jess is out of her depth. She needs some more Scotty T type housemates to rub up against.
Amanda and Jess chose to save Maggie and give her immunity.
Rachel: 'No umbrage will be taken.' Umbrage is taken mere minutes later.
What, Ann gets to sleep on her own because she snores? Oh, she just gets a specific bed. India doesn't want to give up her bed. 'It's normally first come first served.' True story.
Ann wants to win a task. How about she wins the first eviction because she's been grinding my gears. Is she good TV? Not for me so far, but I was anti Woodburn at first, so I can be wrong.
Ann is against all women shortlists, but doesn't mind being on an all women Big Brother.
Jess doesn't need to wear a bra because her boobs aren't real. Amanda doesn't wear a bra cos she 'has no tits'. Bras are annoying. Having boobs is an impediment. I'd like to be able to run for the bus.
Oh, I see, Ann is going to sleep in one of the bedrooms on her own until the guys come. I wouldn't mind that if I was her, but then again, it's not wise to isolate yourself.
Rachel's hair is a bit Rick Parfitt. I like her so far though. She seems pretty smart. 'Big Brother is always here.' Rachel: 'That's the story of my life, really.' Very quick.
India has some good legs on her. I think it's interesting that she likes Ann because I don't think Ann likes her one bit. I like people with strong opinions, but not people who are rude and inconsiderate.
Ah, toothbrushing, a Big Brother staple. Rachel has forgotten her deodorant. Stand back!
Malika looks good without her make up on! Make up chat... because I'm a girl!
Malika: 'We don't have the same language... at all.' We do. It is annoying when she talks like a baby though.
I just texted my mum that Ann is annoying and she texted back 'she's old and she's a virgin.' Haaaaa. Maybe she'll get laid once the men arrive! OMG, Big Brother... you've made me a sexist.
Nah, I'm actually enjoying this so far. Feels very old school! I wonder what the ratings will do? The old fans are loving it... the young 'uns probably hate it. Maybe Big Brother realised there were more of us, after all.

Bidisha's writing workshop at the Mosaic Rooms

How often do you get something amazing for free? Not very often. So I was quite jammy to spot that Bidisha was doing a creative writing class at the Mosaic Rooms in Earls Court on Twitter.
For those who don't know who Bidisha is, she's a really brilliant feminist writer whom I've admired for the past couple of years, so the chance to get to go and learn about creative writing from her wasn't one I was going to pass up - so I booked the day off work! It's like two of my best ever things rolled into one - like a Morrissey/ Bright Eyes double bill, so I was really looking forward to it.
The class was a one-off too, as a thank you to the venue for launching Bidisha's latest book so I was really lucky to get to go to it. The building is beautiful and the room we were in was very special, with fantastic Iraq war-inspired art. I was a total fangirl and turned up first like teacher's pet.
Bidisha is very well-spoken and beautiful in the flesh; tiny and stylish, with punky bracelets and tattoos. She was so warm and lovely and answered every question we had. I told her that now I write for a living I find it so hard to write in the evenings and she was like, 'don't beat yourself up for having a full time job' and said I needed to book 10 days off to just concentrate on writing. I do really want to go on a retreat because I think I need that head space to start my next novel - not sure I can get 10 days off for that, though! She said when you write journalistically you can lose touch with the kind of writing you want to do which is so true.
She set us short exercises and we blitzed through so much stuff: I probably learnt as much in those three hours as I did on the first year of my creative writing degree: and I didn't have to pay 12K - that hasn't gone down for the past 10 years - for the privilege. I've got pages of useful tips.The group was really lovely too and all eager to learn, with some obvious talent there. It was like a training course that people actually wanted to be on!
Although feminism wasn't touched on overtly (although I saw flashes of it there!) learning from someone I really respect as a writer and a feminist was so inspiring.
I feel like Bidisha has given me hope that I can be the writer I want to be; that it's not lazy to come home from work writing all day and not have any braincells left to use my imagination. But I can't use that as an excuse either: I need to set time aside if I'm going to write another novel.
A friend of mine says Bidisha scares her and that gives me a thrill. I want to be so passionate about what I believe in that I scare people! The amount of shit she gets on The Guardian website just for her opinion is the scary part: the amount of shit women get just for speaking their mind. But I think Bidisha would make a great ally; I think she's fiercely loyal and I love her strong opinions. I just love the fact she just comes out and says exactly how she feels about the world.
I'm grateful to Bidisha for giving us that time and I really learnt a lot. I hope my paths cross with hers again some day as I'd love a chat about feminism with her, too!

BBC3: Glamour models, mum and me

What do you do when your mum is Alicia Douvall and she's pushing you to be a glamour model? Run away screaming.
Alicia Douvall is tapped in the head. Her thinking that 'the body is powerful and can make her easy money' about her own daughter Georgia is so screwed up, it's enough to make a feminist weep. What mother wants her daughter to have an unnecessary operation? She probably just wants her to be as disfigured as she is. I think the kid sees right through it; well it's not exactly a good advert, is it?
You are SEXUALISING A CHILD. Fucked up! It's actually child abuse.
Of course, if your mum wants you to be a glamour model, you become a scientist. If your mum wants you to be a scientist you become a glamour model. That's why I'm not having kids.
Alicia is an absolute idiot. Telling your child they don't need a back up plan when your plan seemed to be selling 25,000 kiss and tells and getting your face mashed up is pathetic. She looks like a burns victim.
Bloc Party are the background music for every BBC3 documentary I ever see! Kele, what you playing at?!
God, then Alicia is insisting she's her daughter's best friend. Just be a MOTHER. And I don't normally judge people's parenting, because I don't exactly have any experience in that area, but come on. Even an idiot guest on Jeremy Kyle could work this one out.
Next Georgia had to miss a load of school because Alicia had to have her breast operation fixed in LA. Jesus. She is actually jeopardising her kid's chance at an education to have work done on her mangled body.
The imbalance in their relationship is seriously disturbing. Georgia seems about 30 and Alicia seems about 12.
Even in agony at the millionth breast reconstruction, Alica was STILL trying to persuade her small child to get a boob job. That is mental illness.
Alicia: 'she speaks in another language to me, about atoms, not bikinis'. Yes, she's got a brain. She's seen who you are, and doesn't want to be it.
At the end there was some unconvincing epiphany when Alicia said to her daughter, 'you're perfect as you are.'
Yeah, see you in Nuts. Unless you RUN. Run, kiddo.

Women: Activists

I wont even comment on the 'Women: Mothers' programme as it was so pathetic and limp. Shame; this series started well. Hopefully 'Activists' has got a bit more oomph.
I've been to the London Feminist Network conference and I found it very disappointing. It said nothing to me about my life, in so many ways. I don't care about objectification; I mean, I do, but not much. I care about violence against women and equal rights/ pay, not about prostitution, porn or glamour modelling. A friend of mine is a psychologist who also does pole dancing for fun. Partly thanks to Object, she can't do it any more, because a new law has arrived that labels her 'a sex worker' so she cannot legally work in the criminal justice system (she works in a prison) and do that. She's basically had to give up her fall-back for money. That's not freedom; it's oppression. Women-on-women oppression.
Who is portraying women as sexual objects? Magazines certainly do, but that doesn't make ME a sexual object. I like being a sexual being. I like some porn, and I like being objectified sometimes. Horrifying, I know. I am 100% a feminist. These are not issues for me. Domestic violence is an issue. Rape is an issue. Abortion is an issue. Not being able to walk down the street at night is an issue. The rest just feels like window dressing. And I'm not stupid, I understand how Page 3 dehumanises women, I understand how Nuts magazine dehumanises women. But do you socialise with 13-year-old Sun readers? Idiots will always be idiots. You can't make morons intelligent.
I understand what Fin in this programme was saying about the rage; I am enraged by sexism everywhere. But I enjoy being enraged. I enjoy being intelligent enough to see why something is sexist when someone else might not even question it. Knowledge is power. It's better to be oppressed than ignorant.
Two women a week killed by their male partner; that is something worth shouting about, worth raging against. Someone calling up for 'a prostitute like a pizza'? I'm not bothered.
I do hate sexist language; bird, slut, slag; it's all the same thing, something a woman can be called, but a man can't. I even hate 'hen' party with it's vision of twittering women. But what is the point of them reading ads for porn lines in the back of a magazine and complaining about it? It's like going to Wales and moaning that it's raining. I don't agree that men who watch porn see all women as 'slags'. Men compartmentalise sex; they can turn that off and on again; and guess what; so can women.
Oh god, the feminist songs! Spare me. This doesn't do much for our image. 'Po-faced' is levelled at us a lot; and this is why. A man reading The Star on the tube is clearly an idiot; let him get on with it. Does it really affect you? Getting angry about that is like getting angry at a park bench; in fact the park bench is probably more well-read.
Another friend of mine is a member of Object, and friends with Sandrine, but when I challenged her on the views she didn't seem to have the answers to why objectification is bad, just that it was bad. But if you're going to stand up for something, why not stand up for battered women, for rape victims? Glamour models and porn stars are making money. It's their choice, the majority of the time (except for in cases of trafficking etc- and that in itself is violence and rape, so why separate it) so why take that choice from women?
Music videos are soft porn. Movie stars encourage girls to starve themselves by being so thin. The way to arm yourself against this is to teach your children some morality; some common sense. There SHOULD be more curvy women in magazines. But there's not. So don't read magazines. You don't need that handbag or that diet plan. Any intelligent person realises this at about age 16. There is so much alternative media out there now. You don't have to feel so oppressed by this stuff. I don't listen to pop music or watch pop videos any more. You don't have to. Just put something else on. I agree in freedom of expression for all; even the brain-dead. If you get angry about everything, you can't even function anymore. And I'm angry about MOST things.
Oh wow, they just mentioned abortion! Surely abortion should be the NUMBER ONE subject for any feminist, the number one priority; a women's right to choose. It's so intrinsically important. There are people out there that want to force you to give birth against your will. All this other stuff is just a diversion.
The 'bin the bunny' thing against Playboy is just stupid; it makes people laugh at us as feminists, because people see it as frippery. And it is. The Girls of the Playboy Mansion TV show makes me feel sick; but so what. I used to have a Playboy pencil case when I was a teenager; so what? It didn't 'programme me to accept degradation and pornography in later life'- it just kept my pencils in check. It's just a logo, a picture. It can't hurt us unless we let it.
I agree that stereotypes of men and women have a lot to answer for; and the media enforce that. But men and women also enforce that. If you choose a different way; it's not that difficult to live like it. In fact, it's very easy.
I recognise loads of people from the feminist conference; the thought of 'feminist comedy' I found quite frightening, I must admit. It's weird seeing the footage from that conference because I was there, and it was well-meaning, but some of the speakers were just plain dull, and there was a real lack of humour (except for the feminist comedy, which I avoided, obviously). I hate to be such a downer, but I went there with expectations, and I came out feeling non-plussed, and that's surely not the aim of an event like that. I think it needed an injection of charisma. Some of these feminists are dare I say it; a bit sappy. And then the others are a bit... militant. I want a bit of humour and panache.
I agreed with the girl who said it can be lonely being a feminist. I'm always confused by my female friends who aren't feminists. How can you NOT care about your own sex, your own rights? It seems bizarre.
I thought the interviewer asking that feminist why she paints her nails was fucking stupid. Heaven forbid a feminist wants to look pretty.
Oh my god, there's no rape crisis centre in London! The whole of London! Now that's something to get upset about. That's disgusting. Rape IS legal in this country, it really is. Then afterwards; see you later, love.
I'm glad they touched (very briefly) on feminists having conflicting views; we're not one homogeneous mass, and no one should enforce their views onto others. I AM a feminist; and I have just as much right to call myself one as anyone else.
These documentaries are 15 minutes too long. I was getting very antsy towards the end.
Is this wave of feminism gathering momentum? Not really. Apathy rules. But you can make a change in your own life; with your own opinion, but explaining things very simply to people. And it does make a difference.
I got groped and almost robbed on the bus today. It's hard being a woman. But I'd still rather be one than a man.

BBC4: Women Libbers

This is part of the BBC4 Women series to celebrate International Women's Day and feminism. The first show was about women's lib in the late 60s and early 70s. I liked the opening statement 'Feminism is like a religion, I don't know how I would think without it.' I like that ideology; I COULD think without it, but I'd be much less of a person now if I didn't care about feminism and women's issues. I know; because I once was that person who didn't care about it. Yet today as I went up the escalator at King's Cross I divided the posters into 'sexist' and 'not sexist'. The sexist ones were mainly cartoons of blonde women in heels, shopping. These images permeate society. It's no wonder so many women haven't got a clue how to position themselves in society.
Who knew Cilla Black was a feminist icon? Not me! I might not have read The Female Eunuch (although if it's any good, I'll give it a go on audiobook) but I do understand the importance of access to abortion, access to jobs, access to freedom. The lack of those things is what equals oppression to me.
It's so exciting to hear views I believe in expressed eloquently on TV. So rare! Marilyn French was particularly cool; 'no man is going to save you'.
I feel continuously disappointed by my fellow woman; every time one changes her name unthinkingly when she marries, every time they say 'bird', every time they cheer on sports that would never accept them as participants. When you begin to see it, it is everywhere, and you can't stop.
It was quite exciting to see Germaine Greer all young and lippy in the 70s rather than shuffling around the Big Brother house after Jade Goody and her mum.
I kind of agree with her comments on not being a fan of marching (but I'm lazy) but I can understand the community spirit side of it even if it's not really for me.
The stuff about domestic roles was interesting; I have a completely equal relationship, in that there is no task that one or other of us is incapable of. I don't need someone to 'take the bins out' and my boyfriend picks up his own pants. So any mythological bunkum that men 'don't notice' washing up, or women can't hook up a stereo system is just bullshit. We both have brains and hands, we can both do it, and we both do it because we care about each other. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone living differently, and I know millions of women live differently to that, even women my age and younger. We have not progressed. Look at the adverts, look at TV shows. It's depressing.
Violence is another issue close to my heart, and women do live in fear of men, and always will. Men take for granted walking down the street at night; women find it frightening. We ARE prey, I totally agree with that.
Of course ALL men don't rape, but men should blame MEN for the fact they are seen as having this potential. I would be ashamed to be a man almost every day. Prisons are full of men. I watched a To Catch a Predator recently where they did a sting on hundreds of male paedophiles, and did not catch one woman. I'm not saying it never happens, that no women ever does it, because they do. But the number is minuscule in comparison.
The 'all women are lesbians' thing was interesting, that we can't be free unless we all go gay; I am curious about the idea of a society without men, except I don't fancy women, so it's difficult! I an envious of lesbian feminists though; just like I'm jealous of vegetarians. They really DO have the moral high ground!
Interesting stuff. So now it's 2010 and women's magazines are still telling you the 'right' way to have sex, and Loose Women is winning awards for 'factual entertainment'. The battle is far from won. I'll be interested to see the rest of this series.

Exitainment Heroine: Vanessa Feltz

Female columnists: Bashing Vanessa Feltz for being fat and wearing garish clothes is so BORING and too EASY. Don't you think she doesn't know that she's fat? Don't you think she doesn't know that her dress is rather pink? Do you think she gives a fuck? Noooooo! (I can't excuse the shoes, but hey ho)
I have always had a weird admiration for Vanessa Feltz, I like the way she sticks two fingers up at convention, I like the way she stands up for herself, I like the fact she's got strong opinions, and she's generally smiling.
Personally, I'd rather be Vanessa Feltz looking like that and having a laugh with that Turnaround twit than be Cheryl Cole, too afraid to trust her own husband. Because you get the feeling if Turnaround dude did the dirty on Vanessa, she'd just pick herself back up again, like she did after that douchebag husband left her. Vanessa has grit!
Say what you like about her, but she's got a younger man, she always looks happy, and she's pretty successful in various fields. I personally preferred her talk show to Trisha's load of old gubbins.
Wow, I just noticed those gloves. She has got some balls! Gok, keep your distance.

Rant Blog: No TV so why not get sexually harrassed playing scrabble?

Wednesday night is clearly the death of TV; with no soaps to fill the hole, I am left floundering, twiddling my thumbs. So I turn to downloading some dreadful Placebo b-sides (I love you, Brian) and playing Facebook Scrabble.
If you're a girl; just don't play a man. Every. single. time. Where you from? How old are you? What you doing tonight? How does Scrabble and sex go together? It DOESN'T!!!
I actually vowed not to play men any more, but sometimes those pics move fast and you click in the wrong one, so I give the poor bloke a chance. Big mistake. 99% of the time if I play a woman they won't speak. If it's a man, they always do. They just have to try their luck.
Tonight's guy was holding a baby, seems harmless enough. Silly me.
Do you have a boyfriend? Yes. Then he says he has a partner and a baby. Good, I think, no sex chat here. Then; 'do you live with him/ you look about 18/ are you alone tonight?' He fired so many questions at me! Who asks for that when they play Scrabble? But I feel rude when I turn the chat off and someone is just being friendly and not creepy.
This is a man holding his child in his profile pic. Then I said 'this isn't the site for that' and that was the end of the game.
It's not actually FAIR that women have to put up with that, when just wanting to play a stupid game. There's enough sites out there for that stuff; they aint that hard to find. There's even specialist ones for cheating bastards; so go join one of them, you creepy fucker.
No more men! It shouldn't be this way. I wish men knew just how much low level harrassment women have to put up with daily. Just comments and looks and bloody patronising, sleazy bullshit, and it's not fair, because they don't have to put up with it, we don't encroach on their personal space in this insidious way.
Thanks, I needed to get this off my chest! The silly part is, on Friday when you want to have a drink and could live without the soaps, they force hours of them onto you.

Equality... maybe in the next world

Was incensed by this 'lighthearted article' in the Daily Hate today by no-one's favourite horse-faced harridan Amanda Platell (I think the usual policy of not attacking people's personal appearance can be waived when discussing someone who makes a living from doing exactly that in the most disgusting way possible).
Amanda has written an article standing up for poor beleaguered men, and adverts taking the mick out of them (ironically whilst posting images of decades worth of sexually-insulting adverts aimed at women). And it's not like sexist adverts against women have stopped, as anyone who saw the recent(ish) BT advert with that plod from My Family on and his girlfriend going 'I lost the folder'- as if even merely glancing at a computer if you're a woman causes the entire hard-drive to spontaneously combust. Very subtle.
And what about that advert where that guy is watching the football and ordering is girlfriend to get his dinner? I don't know what that's for, but it offended me.
Platell goes on; 'As a society, we have become so institutionally sexist against men that it is now accepted practice to treat them as secondclass citizens. ' Oh well, not to worry, in the developing world women are still being stoned to death for not being virgins on their wedding night, so it's all swings and roundabouts, hey? And presumably 'in our society' the pay gap miraculously closed overnight and all the battered women's refuges were closed, and half naked men are appearing on Page 3 of The Sun now, yeah? How's that for a bit of role reversal? Gotta love equality!
She continues; 'On a more serious note, think of the raft of legislation that has been put in place to benefit women, and indeed positively discriminate in favour of them, often at the expense of male interests.' Like what? She doesn't offer a single example! Is she, a working woman, referring to maternity rights? (which incidentally do not apply to childless women- I can't personally think of any benefits I have over my male colleagues- and statistics have shown time and time again that men get paid more). If she is referring to maternity leave, then the implication is clear: get back in the kitchen and raise those babies, and keep your mouth shut, just like in the 'good old days'.
Does it not occur to this thick, humourless excuse for a woman that women have been ridiculed and abused for THOUSANDS of years? So now my boyfriend has to watch an advert where men are made fun of every once in a while. I think he can handle it. I don't think he needs you rushing to his defence, you traitor to your own sex, and a traitor to causes actually worth fighting for.
Even if men were routinely raped, beaten, mocked and paid less than women for the next ten thousand years it still wouldn't scratch the surface of levelling the playing-field. Doesn't she get that? And i'm not saying that I want that to happen, I'm saying that a couple of stupid adverts isn't exactly a big price to pay for a zillion years of supremacy.
I'm not even going to go into the bigoted drivel she spouts after that about any given minority, but her claim to speak for 'most people' is just plain offensive.
(Not) funnily enough, there was also a small story about a woman being sexually assaulted by a migrant, in an area where another woman was also raped. I can't find the link, but a police spokesman said (and I quote)... 'We constantly advise women not to walk alone in that area.' Can you see how insidious that language is? Oh, I see. So it's the victim's fault for being in that area! Silly woman, what was she thinking? Here was I thinking it was a free country, here was I thinking that the police might actually do something to protect women in a dodgy area, not wag their finger and go 'well, we did warn you...'
Equality... you're right, Amanda, we're far from it. And you disgust me.

Claire Richards: My Big Fat Wedding

I rememember seeing Claire Richards (of Steps infamy) on BBLB a while back and thinking 'oh my God.' She was FAT. Like so fat if you were her, you'd avoid going on camera at all costs. She was definitely the prettiest one out of Steps, but went from being a size 8 to a size 20. That's a lot of eating, trust me, because I eat a lot of bad things, and am overweight, so I can well imagine how much you'd have to eat to get that big.
Christ Steps sold 15 MILLION records, getting 13 top five singles, only beaten by The Beatles. Woah. I wonder how much of that cash they saw? Not much, I reckon.
Anyway, after leaving Steps she spent five years eating, and doubled her dress size by eating a zillion McDonalds. At her heaviest, and at five foot six, she weighed 16 and a half stone. Wow, that's quite a bit. That's some impressive eating. Fair play to her for letting them take pictures of her fat, and all her stretch marks, I'd just go hide in a cupboard somewhere.
It was funny how she looked fat; kind of pumped up. I know I've said this before, but my face doesn't get fat when my body does, so I just look in the mirror at my face and pretend I'm not fat. I'm sure the second I got a double chin, I'd become anorexic. But then my stomach is gross and I just try and ignore it and focus on my boobs looking good. That's one thing most fat girls do have; big boobs! In your face, skinny, long-legged girls!
Anyway, Claire's boyfriend proposed and she vowed to get down to a size 12, by losing four stone. A size 12 sounds managable, four stone sounds HARD!
It was kind of sad when she was looking at her old stage costumes; I've never been a size 8 in my life, so to go from 8 to 20 must be hard.
I liked the look of her wedding food; cheeseburgers and chips, Britney Spears stylee! That doesn't exactly smack of a healthy eating regime, does it?!
Six months later she went to get her photo retaken and when she looked at the old photo the photographer said 'that's horrific!' Nice, I'm sure that made all the fat women watching at home feel good about themselves. Then he said 'the heffer is no more'. Bet you didn't call her that then, did you, you cheeky fucker?
I thought she looked stunning as a size 14. But then she went to a health and fitness boot camp where you can lose a stone in a week. They were up and running around at 6.30am! Personally, I'd rather be fat.
Isn't it interesting that women are willing to put themselves through hell just to look good in a photo? Her boyfriend proposed to her when she was big; it's not like he was bothered. I didn't see him starving himself, either.
She ended up being ten stone six, which is a brilliant loss really, six and a half stone. Good on her, because she looked really good in her wedding dress, it was beautiful; and I respect the amount of effort she must have put in. But even fat she was still a trillion times more attractive than Lisa Scott-Lee.
Will she keep it off after the wedding, I wonder. I hope so, because she seems like a nice person and it's what she wants. But at the same time, fat people aren't horrific. And some men like fat girls. Some men like goofy girls, or ginger girls. Not all men like skinny. Not all men want the same thing. And not ALL women want a man, anyway. I once had an argument with a man who said if women were on a desert island on their own they wouldn't wear make up, because what was the point if there were no men around? But they would. They would do it just to feel better, just to look better. I would.
PS: wedding dress shop woman; not EVERY WOMAN dreams about the day they'll wear their wedding dress. I have never thought about it for one second, not even as a child. Some of us dream about space, or writing, or other women, or something else entirely.
There is more to life than weddings, or being skinny. But getting married to someone you love skinny is probably better than doing it fat. My feminist principles can't deny that one.

BBC3: Kirsten's Topless Ambition

You may NOT remember children's TV presenter Kirsten O' Brien from the broom cupboard (that must have been after the Schofield/ Crane/ Anstis golden era) or Smart, the art show WITHOUT that creepy guy in it (no, not Tony Hart, Neil Buchanan- and yes, I did have to look up his name).
Having watched many of her contempories speed past her on the career ladder (except Mark Speight who sadly wound up dead), she wondered if a route to moving to the next step could be to get her boobs out. Great. What a good example to the next generation.
She offended me within the first five seconds by refering to her breasts as 'norks' and then 'puppies'. Blergh.
Aw, she wants to be Cat Deeley, Mylene Klass or Fearne Cotton. Personally, I want to shoot the three of them. But hold on, I don't remember them getting their bits out (and I'm sure I would have). Oh, they did bikini shoots in FHM. That could have just been a coincidence, though.
Christ, Kirsten's stand up comedy must be pretty dire if that was her best joke. It was sad when she went out on the street to see if anyone recognised her and no one did. I would have, peculiarly. But I probably wouldn't have been able to name her.
What kind of person calls their breasts knockers?! I don't even like the word 'tits'.
Kirsten went to meet her friend presenter Angelica Bell (who I'd never heard of, but she did look vaguely familiar- although, less so than Kirsten) who modelled for FHM and then got a job on the One Show. From what I've seen, pretty much anyone can get a job on the One Show, it's bloody awful!
Angelica said she was so flattered that they wanted her to do it, 'I thought i'd never be in a men's mag, who would think I'm sexy?' For God's sake, they have any old boot-faced nobody from Big Brother in them; it's not about sexy, it's about 'let's see who we can get to take their clothes off for cash!' Like in casting couch pornos, basically. If you think that says anything about your own sexual worth, I pity you. She said 'it's not hurting anyone, it's not harming anyone' but actually, as a children's television presenter, it is. It's saying the sum of your parts is your body, not your presenting skills, and it puts women back. Ant and Dec didn't strip off to get gigs. They just worked hard. Kirsten did make this point later, to be fair, but then she said, it doesn't occur for blokes but for women..' but doesn't she understand the reason WHY that is? Because it's the EASY option to just be that bit of fluff, that airhead on a magazine. It's easy for men to put us in that box, espeically when we're so keen to get inside it ourselves. It's also tragic. I only ever wanted to be brainy.
I found it interesting what the agent she went to see said about 'dressing for where you want to be, not for where you are.' That's a fair point. And he was right; as she is still working in kid's TV it could damage her career greatly to go down the sexy route.
It was weird when she went to Zoo and met some glamour model who just introduced herself with her boobs out and made no attempt to cover herself up. What a weird alternative universe.
I was amused when she went to see a 'stylist to the stars' who said he just saw her 'as some twat from the broom cupboard.' URGH, then he told her she needed to bare her soul (ie. spill the beans on the Mark Speight drug/suicide tragedy) 'not in a tacky way, but in a Grazia way'. Gross! I'm glad she said she wasn't willing to do that (even if it wasn't directly to his face) He said 'thats the way we use the media.' No. That's the way the media uses YOU. Then he told her very matter-of-factly, 'men are not going to wank over you.' Good. That should be the best news she's had all day.
She went to Front magazine (no, me neither) who said they catered for the more emo-girls-with-their-jugs-out market. How very alternative! The offices looked full of the biggest losers of all time; blokes who could only dream of losing their virginity once they move out of their mum's.
Next Kirsten went to Anthea Turner's (insert mention of OK/ chocolate bar here) mansion to ask her about getting her kit of for Tatler (I must have wiped that particular image from my brain). It doesn't really matter if it's Tatler or Nuts, it only takes one look at your boobs, doesn't it. But then Anthea's boobs were covered by a snake (insert joke about Grant Bovey here). Anthea advised her not to do it.
Kirsten's next stop was Hooters, where they look for girls 'with a bubbly personality'. So they'd employ someone who was a size 16, yeah? Don't make me laugh. I doubt if those shorts go much higher than a 12. Oh God, then she went to see Peter Stringfellow. Fuck me. His definition of sexy appears to be two-tone hair. He told her to go be the new Carol Vorderman as she wasn't sexy! I don't think Stringfellow was saying that you can't be funny and sexy (look at me for example..!) I think he was saying Kirsten isn't funny and sexy.
It was sad when she went to FHM and he basically said they weren't interested and she got her polaroids out. He said 'you're borderline, you have an acceptable face.' Charming! Then she said 'it's good to hear.' No it isn't! Even I thought it was harsh and he wasn't saying it to me.
So in the end, she decided not to do it (mainly because no one wanted her to). Maybe she can be the new Natalie Cassidy, or Alesha Dixon, doing frilly little documentaries about body image for BBC3. Oh.

The Sex Education Show vs Pornography (Weds)

It was the men's turn for ritual humiliation last night, and after complaining about the fannies the day before, I have to say, the willies weren't much to look at either. Why can't our sexual organs be a bit... sexier?
There was also a bit about sex toys yesterday. The presenter acted like she's never seen a gag or a dildo before. How ridiculous to say a guy can't compete with a vibrator! I find the human attached to the end of a penis to be be quite useful for, you know, going out and getting me a bag of chips after. Oh, and you know, the odd conversation.
Tonight they looked at if 'the porn star look' affects how 'normal' women look. Fearndia Cotwink (I haven't learnt her name yet) went to meet some very unrepresentative women who spend a grand a month on hair extensions and said things about 'pleasing my man'. After that FC decided to have a 'porn star makeover' which involved fake tan, falsh nails and so on (it was more of a WAG makeover). Then she went 'do I feel sexy, no I feel like a slag.' Nice! What a great word to put into teenager's heads, hearty congratulations. One thing you aint is a feminist. But you did look like a drag queen. Personally I don't care if other women want to look 'glam' or 'natural'- what's it got to do with sex, really? Not much. It's just about judging women, as ever. She said 'do you like what the porn look says about you?' but it's not a 'porn look'; some women just like dressing up, like the Snog, Marry, Avoid lot. If people judge you on that, I say fuck 'em.
The condom class was quite useful; why hasn't something better been invented by now? They're pretty rubbish aren't they? All that effort and squeaky latex; urgh. I'd rather not bother. It seems like they rip really easily, too! I think someone needs to sort this out; possibily in the Dragon's Den.
The porn star she interviewed said he does 'gay for pay'; but how does he get a hard on? Would viagra do it? I don't get it. Oh... my boyfriend explained it to me. You can go gay for pay... but only if you fancy it a bit.

The Sex Educations Show vs Pornography

I never saw this last series but I heard it was quite good, so here we go. Apparently a third of all children learn about sex through porn. Urgh! How awful. The average teenager watches 90 minutes of porn per WEEK! Wow. That's a lot.
There is something disturbing about hearing a child say 'anal, vaginal and oral sex'. But then, so there should be.
I remember my friend and I finding a grotty old porno with the pages stuck together in a car park; which seems so cliched a way to find out about porn it almost seems made up. I remember we had pay-per-view porn in my house when I was about 13 (I lived with all men) and being a bit disgusted but mainly uninterested by it. Looking back; it was as tame as could be.
Haha, 50% of all internet traffic relates to porn (best put more sex words in my tags, see my hits rise!) and 90% of all children have viewed porn accidentally. That's actually horrible. I am so glad the internet wasn't even invented when I was a child. I actually left the house on occasion.
My sex education at school was absolutely pathetic; I doubt if we had more than one lesson on it. My mum wasn't very helpful either; and when my first boyfriend suggested we had sex I ran away and put about 15 layers of clothing on for the next time I saw him; I had never even considered such a thing. I guess it's that concentrated loss of innocence which is the horrible thing about children and porn; and just how little porn illustrates how (adult) lovers actually relate to each other as humans.
Wow, those women were BRAVE who got naked to show kids what 'real' bodies looked like. It is actually quite shocking that society (ie. the media) shows such an unrealistic portrayal of what womens bodies look like that it has to be pointed out that 'look- this is normal'. Just think about that for a minute! How damaging that is to adults, let alone children. It's actually sick. Hold on, how come we didn't get to see naked male bodies too? Swizz! Sad to hear girls say they want to be thin; I never wanted to be thin. Just not fat! Haha.
Hmm, interesting that the presenter looked for porn online and found some child porn 'within minutes' just from a basic search. I have looked for porn before (come on, who hasn't?!) and have never found porn of that kind, and would presume (and hope!) such a thing would be very difficult to find.
The faces of the parents watching the porn was hilarious. I think the past couple of generations are quite unique in that children know how to use computers and often parents don't, so parents just aren't clued up on what is available out there and kids get away with murder.
How weird that the boys all liked the plastic boobs and said they looked nice and firm. Firm is not a good thing for boobs to be! Boobs should be squashy! Then the girls said boys wanted their boobs to be hard! Hard??? No, that's penises, not boobs! Tragic, really.
God, it makes me realise just how straight I am when forced to stare into another woman's fanny. Even so, I don't think they should give girls tips on how to shave just because blokes like them bald. Once you grow up, you find not every bloke models his ideal woman on something from The Sun (thank god). Hearing the girls saying they wanted to shave to 'impress the boys' was just depressing. I just never had that mentality; of wanting to impress or fit in in any way shape or form. As for boys 'getting grossed out' by fanny; if you're grossed out by it, you're probably gay.
So all mobile phones come with a lock to stop kids looking at porn. Great. I bet it takes the average 14-year-old about 10 seconds to crack that online. If old grannies like me can do torrents and so on, then I don't think breaking into an IPhone is really beyond the capabilities of a horny teenager.
This show was good, but the presenter was really fucking annoying, like the mutant offspring of Fearne Cotton and Claudia Winkleman. And you don't need me to tell you how bad that is.
Another one tomorrow! This could be a busy week in Exitainmentville.