Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.

My Phone Sex Secrets

Here's my phone sex secret; after I left university and no one would employ me, I saw an ad in the paper for phone sex line work, and sent off for the application form. I've still got the application form somewhere but it was enough to put me off. You had to create an elaborate character for yourself and grin and bear it when men were disgusting animals. I had neither the spine nor the vocabulary for it.
It's a bit like volunteering for Samaritans, which I've toyed with; I don't actually have the balls to be on the coal-face, one to one with the uncensored reality of suicide or spunk (and sometimes the two aren't that far apart). I'm not cut out for it. It's customer service, really, isn't it? I can't say 'have a nice wank.' I'd just want to laugh.
And for phone sex at £8 an hour, it wasn't worth it. But I admire those who are ballsy enough to do it. I like the fact the girls on this programme are having a laugh with it, and basically taking the piss out of men. It's acting, I suppose, but I'm not great at acting.
I love the fact they're all doing mundane stuff around the house or in the supermarket taking these calls. I love the housewife who's all matter-of-fact and painting the wall whilst the bloke jerks off. Her accent is so unsexy, too, she's like someone off Corrie or something, it's so British.
I'm not sure I even consider this 'sex work'; you don't have to touch anyone or emotionally commit. It seems more like a game and quite harmless.
I like the dominatrix one and how she's so polite at the end. I kind of feel like she shouldn't be giving away all her secrets like about the sound effects and stuff. She's ruining the mystery! I wanted more of that stuff though, like squishy noises and clanking about. I like the charade.
I understand the point about it skewing your view of men, but if you don't know that the majority of men are sex-obsessed then you don't know much. Men masturbate: and so do women. There; the world didn't end at that revelation.
If I did have the balls to do it, or was desperate enough, I wouldn't have a problem doing sex chat whilst in a relationship. It's not cheating. It's not a relationship. It's a paid fantasy.
I thought it was a bit weird when the woman met a client and started dating him though; surely that's against every rule in the book and something of a safety risk? Mind you, is it any different to meeting someone online? I don't know.
Bonus points: My hits for this blog should rocket with all these sex tags. Sadly, the people stumbling across my blog are going to be bitterly disappointed. Hey ho!

Rich Man, Poor Man: Ben Dover

Look at that title! Catchy! Where have all the good documentaries gone? Did the credit crunch eat them? Even the worst kind of reality TV that I loved so dearly seems to have shuffled off the TV schedules. So I'm reduced to watching this old rot. And on BBC2, too! Licence payers' money! This sounds like Channel 5 stuff.
This show follows 'britain's top porn star' Lindsay Honey (Ben Dover- ho ho ho) as he 'branches out' into regular acting. Hold on, doesn't Lindsay Honey sound like a porn star name anyway? Should have stuck with that.
I'm not sure I have much truck with a porn star who looks like Keith Harris without the duck and talks like Del Boy. I can't work out if he's wearing a toupee or just has the worst haircut this side of Boris Johnson. Sexy is not a word that springs to mind; I have no urge whatsoever to look up one of his films.
Here's Lindsay at the porno lifetime achievement awards! Let's snigger at porn title puns! He actually called porn 'showbiz.' Lols.
So he doesn't want to do Proust, but wouldn't mind being in a soap. At least he's aiming low. He does have morals though; he doesn't like torture porn or degradation!
It's funny to think of him pining to be 'respectable' whilst in his big old mansion which he bought from fucking. You always want what you haven't got; how many shelf stackers want to be in a porno, and how many porno actors want to be in Hollywood? It's just degrees of the food chain.
The part where he was trying to become an actor and going to lessons (i.e. the middle half an hour) was pretty boring. I think Five might have injected some comedy.
Surprise surprise, he didn't get offered any very good acting parts. An alcoholic and father christmas, neither of which he could be bothered to do. He seemed surprised that some actors do badly paid (or no paid) jobs just for the love of it and ruled out working for free (ie. working his way up) even though he could easily afford it.
So in the end he went back to porn. Sorry for ruining the ending. Bring back the freak docs, please.

The Sex Education Show vs Pornography (Weds)

It was the men's turn for ritual humiliation last night, and after complaining about the fannies the day before, I have to say, the willies weren't much to look at either. Why can't our sexual organs be a bit... sexier?
There was also a bit about sex toys yesterday. The presenter acted like she's never seen a gag or a dildo before. How ridiculous to say a guy can't compete with a vibrator! I find the human attached to the end of a penis to be be quite useful for, you know, going out and getting me a bag of chips after. Oh, and you know, the odd conversation.
Tonight they looked at if 'the porn star look' affects how 'normal' women look. Fearndia Cotwink (I haven't learnt her name yet) went to meet some very unrepresentative women who spend a grand a month on hair extensions and said things about 'pleasing my man'. After that FC decided to have a 'porn star makeover' which involved fake tan, falsh nails and so on (it was more of a WAG makeover). Then she went 'do I feel sexy, no I feel like a slag.' Nice! What a great word to put into teenager's heads, hearty congratulations. One thing you aint is a feminist. But you did look like a drag queen. Personally I don't care if other women want to look 'glam' or 'natural'- what's it got to do with sex, really? Not much. It's just about judging women, as ever. She said 'do you like what the porn look says about you?' but it's not a 'porn look'; some women just like dressing up, like the Snog, Marry, Avoid lot. If people judge you on that, I say fuck 'em.
The condom class was quite useful; why hasn't something better been invented by now? They're pretty rubbish aren't they? All that effort and squeaky latex; urgh. I'd rather not bother. It seems like they rip really easily, too! I think someone needs to sort this out; possibily in the Dragon's Den.
The porn star she interviewed said he does 'gay for pay'; but how does he get a hard on? Would viagra do it? I don't get it. Oh... my boyfriend explained it to me. You can go gay for pay... but only if you fancy it a bit.

The Sex Educations Show vs Pornography

I never saw this last series but I heard it was quite good, so here we go. Apparently a third of all children learn about sex through porn. Urgh! How awful. The average teenager watches 90 minutes of porn per WEEK! Wow. That's a lot.
There is something disturbing about hearing a child say 'anal, vaginal and oral sex'. But then, so there should be.
I remember my friend and I finding a grotty old porno with the pages stuck together in a car park; which seems so cliched a way to find out about porn it almost seems made up. I remember we had pay-per-view porn in my house when I was about 13 (I lived with all men) and being a bit disgusted but mainly uninterested by it. Looking back; it was as tame as could be.
Haha, 50% of all internet traffic relates to porn (best put more sex words in my tags, see my hits rise!) and 90% of all children have viewed porn accidentally. That's actually horrible. I am so glad the internet wasn't even invented when I was a child. I actually left the house on occasion.
My sex education at school was absolutely pathetic; I doubt if we had more than one lesson on it. My mum wasn't very helpful either; and when my first boyfriend suggested we had sex I ran away and put about 15 layers of clothing on for the next time I saw him; I had never even considered such a thing. I guess it's that concentrated loss of innocence which is the horrible thing about children and porn; and just how little porn illustrates how (adult) lovers actually relate to each other as humans.
Wow, those women were BRAVE who got naked to show kids what 'real' bodies looked like. It is actually quite shocking that society (ie. the media) shows such an unrealistic portrayal of what womens bodies look like that it has to be pointed out that 'look- this is normal'. Just think about that for a minute! How damaging that is to adults, let alone children. It's actually sick. Hold on, how come we didn't get to see naked male bodies too? Swizz! Sad to hear girls say they want to be thin; I never wanted to be thin. Just not fat! Haha.
Hmm, interesting that the presenter looked for porn online and found some child porn 'within minutes' just from a basic search. I have looked for porn before (come on, who hasn't?!) and have never found porn of that kind, and would presume (and hope!) such a thing would be very difficult to find.
The faces of the parents watching the porn was hilarious. I think the past couple of generations are quite unique in that children know how to use computers and often parents don't, so parents just aren't clued up on what is available out there and kids get away with murder.
How weird that the boys all liked the plastic boobs and said they looked nice and firm. Firm is not a good thing for boobs to be! Boobs should be squashy! Then the girls said boys wanted their boobs to be hard! Hard??? No, that's penises, not boobs! Tragic, really.
God, it makes me realise just how straight I am when forced to stare into another woman's fanny. Even so, I don't think they should give girls tips on how to shave just because blokes like them bald. Once you grow up, you find not every bloke models his ideal woman on something from The Sun (thank god). Hearing the girls saying they wanted to shave to 'impress the boys' was just depressing. I just never had that mentality; of wanting to impress or fit in in any way shape or form. As for boys 'getting grossed out' by fanny; if you're grossed out by it, you're probably gay.
So all mobile phones come with a lock to stop kids looking at porn. Great. I bet it takes the average 14-year-old about 10 seconds to crack that online. If old grannies like me can do torrents and so on, then I don't think breaking into an IPhone is really beyond the capabilities of a horny teenager.
This show was good, but the presenter was really fucking annoying, like the mutant offspring of Fearne Cotton and Claudia Winkleman. And you don't need me to tell you how bad that is.
Another one tomorrow! This could be a busy week in Exitainmentville.

Film: A Complete History of My Sexual Failures

I watched this film today, which was a documentary following a slacker-type guy called Chris (who had an echo of Kurt Cobain about him), who had been dumped by every girlfriend he'd had and could no longer get it up.
The film came to rather a big snag early on when none of his ex girlfriends wanted to be on film. He eventually persuaded a couple of them who he went out with quite young. Both of them were quite smug and looked years older than him, even if they did have big, bland houses. I think he had a lucky escape with those ones. Unfortunately later on he met up with some of his exes who he had clearly done serious wrong by, and they were interesting, attractive and independent.
I thought the film was slow and relentlessly depressing for some time. Chris was a pretty unlikeable character, in my opinion, I didn't feel he had much charm, he just stumbled from one crisis to the next. I don't mind a scruffy bloke, but having to get his mum in to clean pubes from round his toilet was a step too far. Not appealing.
He didn't seem to have a lot of answers as to WHY he was such a dick. Why didn't he reply to Olivia's love letters? Why did he propose to one girlfriend and then never set a date for the wedding? That particular girlfriend still lived in the flat they'd shared and it was probably the most interesting part of the film as they cried together. How silly of him to declare himself still in love with her, when she was pregnant. It was textbook teenager behaviour, and just emphasised how emotionally immature he was.
The film lost it in the middle; first with his trip to the dungeon (how would getting his arse smacked and his dick twisted help him get a hard on?) and then when he decided to deal with his erectile dysfunction by doing a whole packet of Viagra. I thought it was pretty insane. Can't you have a heart attack like that? When he ran out of the streets begging people to fuck him I thought that was tantamount to sexual assault; I would have punched him in the face had he approached me like that. He lost all of my sympathy at that point.
Yet incredibly, he met his next girlfriend this way! And she was really good-looking and had a good job as a journalist. I was glad the film cheered up a bit, but it seemed a little too neat.
All in all Chris reminded me of the kind of person you know who just won't grow up, and who blames other people for all their problems. I think the film was meant to be funny, but I didn't laugh very much. It just made me realise how stupid men can be in relationships. And how much women have to put up with. (insert sexism complaint here!)

Documentary- Dawn Porter: Geisha Girl

What does Geisha involve? Dressing up, serving, sex? It sounds like the usual story for the female of the species. Dawn looked as good as you'd expect in a kimono. The whole kneeling thing was kind of boring though and the domestic chores! I thought it was meant to be naughty. Instead it seemed a bit like a cult.
It was interesting how geisha is seen as an 'art' and involved a lot of discipline, but at the same time, they are like very conservative strippers or lapdancers. It seemed a strange dichotomy. It takes three hours to put all the make-up and clothes on! Christ! It really is bondage, isn't it, literally. When Dawn was properly trussed up, her sexuality was actually hidden. She looked kind of frumpy, not sexy. She did look enormous compared to the Japanese girls, too!
I liked it when she got all angry and stressed and claustrophobic, as I constantly feel like that.
I can't believe that stupid pillow she had to sleep on so she didn't ruin her hairdo. That was like torture equipment.
So it turns out the geishas never sleep with men. I'm not surprised seeing the effort it took to get into those outfits! I love the strange meticulousness of Japanese culture. The tiny little drinks. I love the aesthetics of the cardboard houses. But it's just all so rigid. I'd want to huff and puff and blow the house down too.
Why can't the men suffer for the pleasure of women for once? Can you imagine men spending three hours getting ready, squeezing their feet into too-small shoes and slapping on that much make up? Well, I can. But they aren't the sort that are interested in me, so there goes that idea.

Documentary- Dawn Porter: Mail Order Bride

This week Dawn went to Russia to investigate a ‘mail-order bride event’. So can you ‘buy’ a wife easily? I think some people can and do. But this event seemed very dodgy from the start; in fact I’m amazed they even let them film it, it was so badly run.
The ‘high-calibre men, doctors, lawyers’ promised turned out to be various dysfunctional Americans, ranging from ordinary looking to comedy moustaches and possible third-degree burns. Fine, if they were what they said on the tin, but the majority of them (i.e. all but one) seemed anything but.
One in particular seemed particularly vile, so Dawn did a bit of digging around on their backgrounds and discovered several had various convictions (including for assault).
Third-degree-burns dude basically said he’d been wrongly convicted of assault, and then muddied the waters quite worryingly by saying, ‘Imagine if every time you hit or slapped someone you got accused of assault.’ Er- that IS assault.
Also anything but what was promised was the agency itself. None of the girls were interested in the men, but instead came for the free food, and the manager’s scruples were somewhat shaky. Dawn asked about the men’s credentials/ criminal records, and the woman replied, ‘These are educated men, they know how to use the internet.’ When Dawn protested that the ability to click a mouse didn’t equal brains or morals, the woman said ‘there is a direct correlation between men who can use the internet and them not being violent.’ Tell that to a million abused children and battered wives. Dawn did go a little Louis Theroux at this point, but that was about as far as the challenge went.
The bizarre last part of the show surrounded Third-degree-burns guy telling Dawn she fancied him (not likely, mate) and berating a pretty Russian woman over dinner for daring to have talked to another man at the introduction party. Wasn’t that the point?!
And what was with that Christian guy handing out Jelly Beans with Bible quotes sellotaped on? It’s not my idea of a come-on, but hey, I’ll take the sweets.
All in all not as good as last weeks but still a zillion times better than anything Dave Gorman has ever put his name to. Dawn rocks.

Documentary- Dawn Porter: Free Lover

I started watching the documentary ‘Dawn Porter: Free Lover’ with a number of misconceptions. I put it on as a bit of fluff in the background, recognising her vaguely from Balls of Steel (a pretty awful programme, I’m sure you’ll agree). I thought, ‘Ah, here’s a poor man’s Daisy Donovan.’ And a poor man’s Daisy Donovan is very poor indeed.
Not so! I can’t stand Daisy Donovan, finding her an un-heady mix of dull and chronically unfunny. Dawn Porter, as it turned out, was quite lovely. Cute, sarcastic but nice, and most of all, brave.
She went to investigate polyamory, first in the US and then Germany (where else?) These weren’t people who had five or six wives, but just people who liked to share their love (i.e. shag around). All the men had ponytails.
In the US there was rather too much emphasis on ‘spiritual healing’ and dumb roleplay (and not of the dressing up like a nurse kind) for my liking. Still, Dawn threw herself in with aplomb, and came across charming, funny and very likeable.
In Germany they lived commune-style (like in a cult but without God, paedophilia and the expectation to commit suicide at the end of it). Dawn got under the surface of the place almost by accident and found out- what do you know?- that jealousy ran rife through the compound. It didn’t surprise me in the slightest that there was a price to pay for all that endless shagging. Still the lure of three cocks or fannies on the go made the Germans stick around, endlessly seething that their partners were getting it off someone else.
So far, so predictable really; but Dawn herself really made the show something to talk about in the end by doing something I think Louis Theroux would have balked at. You always think you know where the line is in these kind of shows; i.e. Dawn was probably not going to join the sex cult and take on a few lovers herself. But about halfway through the show I thought, ‘hold on’ when she sat in the hot tub (what is it with sex and hot tubs?) with a bunch of them with her top off.
Then one of the German’s told her about the ‘oil party’ when they all pile into the basement (literally) and get covered in oil. He said something along the lines of ‘you end up not knowing who or what you’re touching, and we just become one mass.’
To my great surprise, Dawn decided to take part in it. And it really was a revelation; it looked very sexy somehow, and God knows how, because these Germans were not too pretty. They must have thought Christmas had come early when Dawn rolled up. There was no actual sex or penetration, but they basically poured oil on each other and themselves very slowly (I think someone was chanting or reading something too, it wasn’t like a foam party exactly) and then gradually they started to touch each other and it looked all slidey and arty and peculiarly horny. It did seem to challenge the very question of sexuality as these people writhed together not knowing who they were touching but getting off on it anyway. It also looked very cool.
Afterwards Dawn looked in a state of shock but buzzing as she told how some woman felt her crotch and she took it with good grace. I thought she was incredibly brave to have gone ahead with that; especially when documentaries of this sort are often so keen to stitch the participants up, or treat them with contempt. These people have invited you into their home, the least you can do is get naked and oily with them! Ha.
Is Dawn the new Louis Theroux? No. Would Louis have got stuck into the oil party? No. Therefore, Dawn wins.
I will be watching this again next week!

Jess: My New Face/ Britain's Youngest Grannies/ The Virgin Daughters

I've been laptop-less so hence the lack of bloggage; apologies. I'm still without the tools of the trade, but I'm doing a sneaky one at work, shh, don't tell the children.
So with little to do except clean out my cupboards at home, Eminem-stylee, I have been catching up on some taped TV.
I very much enjoyed Jess: My New Face, a documentary about 17-year-old Jess Lee, who was born with a facial disfigurement due to a condition called apert syndrome. hate to be a BBC snob, but the quality of this documentary seemed a lot better than the usual Channel 4/5 churn-outs. She was a likeable character, torn between having surgery to look more 'acceptable' to society and maybe get a boyfriend, and wanting society to change and accept her (good luck). It was touching when her dad spoke of standing between her and the general public to protect her from their stares as a child.
Her deformity wasn't THAT bad anyway, but the surgery she had was quite dramatic. I was surprised they could change her face to that extent and she looked very normal afterwards. However, her own personal choice to have surgery didn't quite gel with her quest to meet other people who differed from the norm and accepted themselves more fully. Did she want people to take her as she was? If the other people she knew who were disfigured were 'beautiful on the inside' then why couldn't people see that beauty in her, too? Of course, this is relative; I don't blame her for having the op. It is a complex philosophical question that won't be answered in Heat magazine anytime soon.
So, Jess went off to meet one girl with a similar condition to her who looked more 'normal' after an op. Then Jess met a striking redhead who was a burns victim and was badly scarred, but somehow still seemed beautiful.
I liked the Japanese albino; she was really stunning. But then I'm the sort of person who sees different i.e. unique as good, not bad. There is a whole sub-section of society who is happy to point and laugh. Well, let them be stupid. And I'm sure Jess will get what she wants in the future, more surgery or not. Not everyone out there is ignorant- just most people.
Talking of which; Britain's Youngest Grannies was at completely the other end of the scale of programming; lowest common denominator stuff. Women who got pregnant at 16, and then their daughters followed suit. These women were only five years older than me, and grannies! Actually though; everyone seemed quite happy with their lot. I thought there would have been more of a judgemental tone; but actually the grannies were (and were portrayed as) quite happy, fun-loving, and good parents. So they also liked nights out on the town having a snog? Fair enough. But as a programme, not very ground-breaking or interesting.
The Virgin Daughters on Channel 4 was a bit of a let-down, too. I normally like all the fire and brimstone, but this was a bit of a damp squib. So the creepy dad who seemed permanantly attached to his daughter's shoulder gets her to parrot crap about STDs and purity. I've heard it all before. As Russell Brand so recently quoted someone else (I've forgotten who); by putting 'SEX' at the forefront of people's brains, even though the message is 'Don't have SEX' it's still 'SEX' that is the key word, and it makes people think about nothing but. That's the key problem with these people; they're obsessed with sex.
Is it a good idea to marry the first guy you kiss and have your first kiss on your wedding day? In a way it sounds magical. It sounds like something out of a fairytale. Yet, generally, it seems it's just the girls who haven't done it before, the blokes have been around the block, because, hey, they're allowed. Bang goes the fairytale.
There's nothing wrong with girls who love their fathers a lot. There is something wrong with fathers pushing their own agendas on their children.
So what have I learnt from these three programmes? Love yourself, don't have kids at 16 and don't marry the first person you snog. Oh. I knew that already.
Come back laptop, I love you.

Film Review: Teeth

Two films in one weekend? That's a big commitment if you're me and have the attention span of an idiot. I downloaded Teeth after hearing about it's 'unusual' storyline- namely that of a girl with a vagina that bites bloke's dicks off. Yummy!
So it was part horror/ part comedy. It was quite slow to start I thought (maybe a bit of dick-chomping action to kick off might have been nice) but once things started happening (in the cave!) it picked up. I liked the boyfriend! He was cute. But he got what he deserved! Hehehe. The special effects were pretty good, his severed penis looked extremely realistic (puke!)
I did want to SEE the teeth in the vagina, sick as I am. And why did she peel that sticker off the drawing of the fanny in her science book when she could have just looked at a diagram online?
There was a weird subplot with her brother (stepbrother, I hope) doing girls up the arse because he was scared of fanny (since hers bit his finger when he was little). He was a very unpleasant character, and not in the slightest bit realistic. But there you go. Why was he touching her bits in the first place? I definitely did NOT play tha game when I was a nipper.
It did raise some interesting questions. Why was virtually every bloke she encountered a rapist or sex offender (including her doctor!)? Are all men potential rapists? Was the film written by a radical feminist? It seemed a TAD harsh! But I must admit, it would be pretty cool to bite someone's dick off with your vagina. It is the ultimate self-defence.
Definitely worth a watch if you're not squeamish, if you are, I wouldn't want to be eating when she shags the ugly guy with the long hair. My eyes! That was revolting. I'd have nightmares about that if I was a bloke.
So yeah, vaginas and penises! Cool, if I put loads of sex words in my blog, I get loads more hits! *tags lots of naughty words*

Am I Normal? Sex (If you've got it... flaunt zzzzzzzz)

I've recently discovered the BBC & ITV iplayer things, which has extended my crappy viewing habits into the bedroom (especially since I've become a Grand Theft Auto widow). So they were moaning about this programme in the Mail so I thought it would be good to watch. And it turned out to be quite interesting and to have some vaguely feminist thinking in it so I'm glad I did.
Dr Tanya Byron went to investigate 'cottaging' something I had a vague idea of but had mostly blocked out (it's sex in public toilets- and yes, it seems like a mainly male activity). She met a bloke who'd slept with 5000 men who basically said men were animals (I'm paraphrasing). Well, that's true. Then she went to meet some cunt from Loaded who talked about 'mens roles in the food chain' and said 'men just want pages of girls with their breasts out'. Luckily, I've never ever met a man who reads that shit, because I don't hang around with 14 year old boys. It was a lie when he said Loaded was to make men feel good about themselves, it's actually to make men and women insecure about their looks.
WHAT?! This Loaded model said she and her mum 'did feminism as a degree at university'. What bullshit. I'm not concerned with the 'message' Loaded sends out because it broadcasts it to thick-as-shit chavs anyway. Might as well give them what they think they want.
Next she investigated 'dogging'! (don't think of Phil Mitchell naked, don't think of Phil Mitchell naked, don't think of Phil Mitchell naked) I can't believe people do it in broad daylight! I'm such a prude!
Then she went to see a female sex shop owner who actually talked a lot of sense about how we're not really sexually liberated in Britain and how we live in an anti-feminist society. Dr Byron seemed to think it was impossible for a woman to sleep with someone without falling in love. Aww.
Not sure what the value was of going to meet children beauty pageant contestants and making her flirt with the camera... slightly dubious! It's all very well to complain about it, but you got her to do it! It's that dodgy tabloidy attitude of being disgusted by something whilst printing all the salacious details.
I was interested in the section about female libido and what is a 'normal' sex drive. I was scared of the peodophile section. I was even more freaked out that he had the same name as me. I was even more freaked out that he wanted to have a legal relationship with a 7 year old child. Gulp! He seemed terrifyingly calm.
Dr Byron just wanted to say all people's sexual behaviour was related to their childhood. Well there might be some truth in that but I don't think it's the whole picture. I think some people are just dirty bastards and some people are just sick fucks. But you know... there is no such thing in life as normal. (I've so quoted that in my blog before! I'm recycling my Moz quotes! It's all downhill from here...)