The World's Strangest Plastic Surgery and me

Mark Dolan is back! Can I do my poor man's Louis Theroux shtick again? Probably not. OK, he's the female Dawn Porter. I kind of like him and don't like him, it's weird.
First he went to see 'the American Barbie doll' who was clearly just fame hungry. Despite her being late, Mark kissed her (plastic) arse hard when she finally showed after six hours. Needless to say, she looked revolting. Then her nostril collapsed whilst filming. Yum! Turns out she had body dysmorphia; no shit.
OMG she looked like an alien when she was getting injected! And she sounded like she was having an orgasm. Extra creepy.
The next woman he went to see had been crafted by two successive plastic surgeon husbands. The second husband delighted in showing Mark porn mags with his wife in. Charming. Oh, and he sewed her hymen up to make her a 'virgin' again! This is taking objectification to a new low. She said she was 'his property' quite proudly.
Then there was some superfluous stuff about her 'singing' talent, and she mimed a song in some awful club that looked like something out of Borat. Next!
Next he met someone with some serious body-modification called Stalking Cat. He was so deformed he could barely speak. OMG he even had little tiny teeth like a cat! Nutso. For some reason had breast implants, too. Mark failed to ask him why. Good journalism!
This person was clearly seriously mentally ill. How did he find someone to do that to him?! Where? Mark asked none of these questions, and the show ended abruptly. What would Louis say?

Documentary: Extreme Male Beauty

Vain men. Could there be anything less sexy? British men are spending 920 MILLION quid a year on male grooming! How?! A couple of deoderants and a bottle of shampoo is about a tenner.
I admit, I am highly sexist on this particular issue (but that's OK, because it's a trifling one) but men beautifying themselves just turns me right off. It's bad enough women are so browbeaten into the advertising myth; now men too? It's tragic. They should look at what it's done to us and run a mile.
Tim Shaw, investigating (nothing) looked quite slobby but that's about it. He wasn't hideous or anything, just average (can't you tell from the way he mentioned beer and the missus- sigh). He decided to try and change his body in 8 weeks. Well, makes a change from women doing it, I suppose. But it's still dumb. His wife was very youthful looking and pretty, which probably didn't help.
To prove something, he went and stood half naked on a podium whilst women said they thought he was rough. One lone voice said she hated vain men. Actually, the responses were quite varied; women hated all types of men, vain, skinny, muscly!
Then he went to talk to men about their grooming routine (in some showers, for no apparent reason), including shaving their pubes off! URGH. Just leave it alone! I didn't like the way he talked about 'tits'- he came off sounding like a sexist wanker.
Afterwards he went to meet some numpty who wanted to look like Peter Andre, but who looked more like Mario of Big Brother infamy. For some reason we were forced to look at his naked, fat body and him shaving his balls. We could have had a warning first. Wow, he lost 12 stone via gastric bypass surgery but it left him with man boobs. Shame. The show turned into Ten Years Younger, as the plastic surgeon was drafted in. Doesn't it rather defeat the object of trying to look good by having all your flabby bits put out on display on TV? Afterwards, he was still gross, just in a different way.
Then there was some tedious stuff about steroids- zzzzz. And muscly men taking their tops off- vomit. Personally I favour either average or thin. I'd even rather have fat than athletic or muscly. One, they'd be boring, and two, I'd be frightened they'd burst.
This show was nowhere NEAR as good as it could have been. These sorts of documentaries are so hit and miss. But I'll probably still watch the others, if only to see what Tim Shaw ends up looking like in the show. I saw a picture and it wasn't good.
PS: read Charlie Brooker on this show, he was funnier.

Documentary: The World's Most Enhanced Woman and Me

Is this a new series of this, or a repeat? Mark Dolan (i.e. the male Dawn Porter) this week goes to find the women who has deformed herself most grotesquely with boob jobs. I was going to blog this last week when he did the world's cleverest child but it was kind of boring. Give me Dawn having an orgy any day. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Anyway, this week Fauxis Theroux went to meet women with HUGE boobs. These women made Jordan look like Keira Knightley. I thought this had gone out of fashion, too, but apparently there are still a few mega-freaks out there.
I thought it was interesting to find out 'why', why indeed? Men, money, insecurity?
The first woman he met showed him her old four-and-a-half litre implants, which looked exactly like the kind of bags you take home from the fair with a goldfish in. Nice. It leaked into her body and made her brain swell up. Yummy!
He didn't seem to learn much from the first woman he met; he just seemed to be objectifying her. Hmm. Then he went to meet a big boob fan (i.e. a sleaze). This led him to a woman called Minka who had a stupid amount of cleavage and yorkshire terriers.
Minka had 4 litre breasts and a tiny waist. Each one weighs the equivalent of 4 bags of sugar and they were four times bigger than her head. As Placebo once said, 'there's no escaping gravity.'
Her manager 'Woody' called her 'a commodity' and said 'have you ever seen an Asian that looks like that?' Charmed, I'm sure!
The sad part was, she actually wanted to be a tennis player, but her 'manager' (who also stars with her in the films) decided on another future for her. Sucking his cock and disfiguring herself.
How she can play tennis with those boobs, I have no idea. Mark Dolan stood there looking disgusted, but that was about it.
Next Mark went to Brazil to meet Shayla Hershey who was having an operation to become the most enhanced woman in the world. She doesn't do porn or go topless, she's more of a Jordan figure (without the glamour start in life). Her boobs are so big, she is bent over with a bad back. Great. It was weird watching her jiggling her boobs for photos in the shopping mall. Even Jordan isn't that shameless.
It turned out her boyfriend persuaded her to have the breast implants. Oh dear. It was actually quite disturbing when she was posing for pics straight after her operation; something wasn't right in her head. She didn't seem very happy, did she?
I like it when my blog is about something naughty. Watch my hits go up as disappointed men find my blog instead of enormo-jug action.

Kerry Katona: Whole Again (MTV)

Ooh you can watch MTV shows on their website now, result. I'd do Peaches tomorrow. But first; Katona. After the This Morning debacle this week I felt quite sorry for her, and even more so after watching this show. You kind of get used to the gurning but that husband of hers is such a cunt, and I don't use that word lightly (well, half-lightly) . The way they speak to each other is absolutely horrific, I wouldn't talk to my worst enemy like that. He is hideous, abusive, and parasitic. His pet name for her appears to be 'freak'. Nice.
Her 'old' body wasn't even that bad. From the pics you see of her she used to look enormous, but when she was naked she looked fine, her boobs weren't even saggy, and she wasn't very fat. It's all the mental abuse and crap from the media that have made her paranoid. Surgery is such a bad example to set to boneheaded young teenagers. Kerry Katona started off in a girl band with a popstar husband, and now she's on some sort of drugs (prescription or otherwise), dating a taxi driver and getting cut up on TV. It's kind of depressing.
It was interesting seeing her go mega blonde as I am going super blonde again soon! The grunting egg she is married too grumbled 'I like it better brown'; of course you do, you wouldn't want her to actually be considered attractive by other people would you? You might lose your Darth Vader-like grip on her. Sadly, as long as she's doped up to the breast implants, I think he's got her firmly under control. Hey ho. It is sad that people profit from this wreckage of a relationship, and I guess sad that I am watching it, but really someone somewhere should say, stop. Or just not put her on. But it's too late to turn back now, so we may as well just rubberneck away.

Jess: My New Face/ Britain's Youngest Grannies/ The Virgin Daughters

I've been laptop-less so hence the lack of bloggage; apologies. I'm still without the tools of the trade, but I'm doing a sneaky one at work, shh, don't tell the children.
So with little to do except clean out my cupboards at home, Eminem-stylee, I have been catching up on some taped TV.
I very much enjoyed Jess: My New Face, a documentary about 17-year-old Jess Lee, who was born with a facial disfigurement due to a condition called apert syndrome. hate to be a BBC snob, but the quality of this documentary seemed a lot better than the usual Channel 4/5 churn-outs. She was a likeable character, torn between having surgery to look more 'acceptable' to society and maybe get a boyfriend, and wanting society to change and accept her (good luck). It was touching when her dad spoke of standing between her and the general public to protect her from their stares as a child.
Her deformity wasn't THAT bad anyway, but the surgery she had was quite dramatic. I was surprised they could change her face to that extent and she looked very normal afterwards. However, her own personal choice to have surgery didn't quite gel with her quest to meet other people who differed from the norm and accepted themselves more fully. Did she want people to take her as she was? If the other people she knew who were disfigured were 'beautiful on the inside' then why couldn't people see that beauty in her, too? Of course, this is relative; I don't blame her for having the op. It is a complex philosophical question that won't be answered in Heat magazine anytime soon.
So, Jess went off to meet one girl with a similar condition to her who looked more 'normal' after an op. Then Jess met a striking redhead who was a burns victim and was badly scarred, but somehow still seemed beautiful.
I liked the Japanese albino; she was really stunning. But then I'm the sort of person who sees different i.e. unique as good, not bad. There is a whole sub-section of society who is happy to point and laugh. Well, let them be stupid. And I'm sure Jess will get what she wants in the future, more surgery or not. Not everyone out there is ignorant- just most people.
Talking of which; Britain's Youngest Grannies was at completely the other end of the scale of programming; lowest common denominator stuff. Women who got pregnant at 16, and then their daughters followed suit. These women were only five years older than me, and grannies! Actually though; everyone seemed quite happy with their lot. I thought there would have been more of a judgemental tone; but actually the grannies were (and were portrayed as) quite happy, fun-loving, and good parents. So they also liked nights out on the town having a snog? Fair enough. But as a programme, not very ground-breaking or interesting.
The Virgin Daughters on Channel 4 was a bit of a let-down, too. I normally like all the fire and brimstone, but this was a bit of a damp squib. So the creepy dad who seemed permanantly attached to his daughter's shoulder gets her to parrot crap about STDs and purity. I've heard it all before. As Russell Brand so recently quoted someone else (I've forgotten who); by putting 'SEX' at the forefront of people's brains, even though the message is 'Don't have SEX' it's still 'SEX' that is the key word, and it makes people think about nothing but. That's the key problem with these people; they're obsessed with sex.
Is it a good idea to marry the first guy you kiss and have your first kiss on your wedding day? In a way it sounds magical. It sounds like something out of a fairytale. Yet, generally, it seems it's just the girls who haven't done it before, the blokes have been around the block, because, hey, they're allowed. Bang goes the fairytale.
There's nothing wrong with girls who love their fathers a lot. There is something wrong with fathers pushing their own agendas on their children.
So what have I learnt from these three programmes? Love yourself, don't have kids at 16 and don't marry the first person you snog. Oh. I knew that already.
Come back laptop, I love you.

The Perfect Vagina

Lisa Rogers! I haven't seen her for a while. But here she is, back from the wilderness, saying the word 'fanny'. Nice. Actually, she came across very well.
Now watch my hit rate rocket as I use 25 different words for vagina. She looked mega embarrassed every time she had to get her fanny out (in the name of research, naturally).
Designer vaginas! It's a good rhyme. 'Trimmed labia': what a wonderful phrase. Like cutting a hedge, except it's your fucking FLESH. Personally I'd rather chuck acid on my own eyes than go for a bikini wax, so I definitely wouldn't like to get my vadge out for a plastic surgeon to take scissors to. In fact: that sounds like the very definition of insanity. Who LOOKS at their own vagina anyway (unless you think there's something wrong with it?) What kind of freak spends any amount of time with a mirror between their legs, panicking that their fanny looks funny. Get a fucking XBox or something.
I liked Lisa' refer to her bits as her twinkle. Names for female privates are either grossly offensive (cunt) or ridiculous (punarni, anyone?) I tend to go with vagina or fanny, and fanny is the least sexy word on earth.
So they didn't knock out this girl when they cut her labia off. BLERGH! She's either steadfastly brave or certifiable. That must have hurt a bit.
BEEF CURTAINS! I haven't heard that for a while.
Operating on a girl whilst she's shaking with fear seems immoral to me. The girl who wanted her hymen sewed up was a sad case; if her parents would really kill her over that, then Christ. Where's the love?
What was that weird fanny-showing club? That was mental. Women sitting round showing people their bits is absolutely nutso. That's not a support group. I notice we didn't get to see Lisa's.
And that was about it for the fanny-fest. I don't think many people can be offering themselves up for this kind of surgery, anyway. I didn't learn very much. But come on pervs, click on my blog by accident. I need some new readers.

Louis Theroux: Under the Knife

It's always good to see Louis Theroux back on our screens, and I heartily enjoyed last night's subject matter, especially since I used to work for a plastic surgeons, as a bookings co-ordinator/ receptionist. We had a surgeon who could put breast implants in in 20 minutes, and like the practice Louis went to, the main receptionist had taken FULL advantage of all the procedures. I was never tempted. If I'd stayed there for years, though, who knows? Working in that environment does normalise surgery, and vanity. And it does take some of the fear away... although less when you see how many re-dos of bodge jobs are carried out on a weekly basis.
The receptionist at the surgery that Louis visited had a tummy tuck which left her with a bloody great scar that looked like she'd been cut in half and a deformed belly button. And she was happy with that. She was mutilated!
Like many other people, I initially half saw this show as an excuse for Louis to get liposuction. I mean, he didn't have to go the whole hog, did he? The surgeon decided Louis had flabby flanks (he didn't) and that he was disproportionate and it couldn't be solved by diet and exercise (it could have in about two weeks).
But you have to give him credit for asking the surgeon why he'd chosen plastic surgery as a career over saving lives whilst the surgeon was operating on him. However, he did rather dance round asking them the obvious question: do you do it just for the money? But he did get the surgeons to admit that they were feeding a superficial lifestyle, designed to make normal people feel insecure about their appearance.
Then there was a woman who's boyfriend had left her, she had plastic surgery and he came back to her! Wow, how romantic. Then when they were marking her up like a cow at the butchers Louis said, 'dont you feel objectified?' That's what offends me most about plastic surgery, that you just become a piece of meat, to be cut and prodded.
Louis also met two men who had pec implants and both ended up looking like they had boobs! And bicep implants! It's just cheating. I really feel it's cheating. (Oh and they had plastic death-masks)
Ultimately I think surgery, like tattoos is a slippery slope and people can get hooked. But unlike tattoos, you can actually die from surgery. So will we see Louis with a perfect little button nose on the future? How freaky would that be?