Documentary: Kerry and Me

A documentary about Kerry Katona; well it can't be anything worse than what I saw on that MTV show. Even Jeremy Kyle would have turned his nose up. Come on, let's just pick, pick, pick at the carcass.
I like the Jon Ronson styling. Mrs Jon Ronson, without the gravitas. Urgh, Mark Croft. Please let me never lay eyes on him again.
Kerry Katona can resign; she simply needs to move to another country. Believe me, no one would be interested. Scratching, gurning. Good times.
He stitched her up, I'm sure of it. He's a nasty bastard. I'm really glad she escaped his grip.
LOL I like the Mark and Kerry commemorative plate that was in Heat magazine, we had a good guffaw at that at the time. Kerry's house is disgusting, inside and out. The furniture, the fixtures and fittings. It's all just really tasteless.
Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem can fuck off as well. They couldn't give a shit about those kids, or they wouldn't stay on the opposite side of the world.
Wouldn't one 'life coach' do if she's trying to save money? She's never read her own life story! Surely you'd remember it at least?
Looks like Kerry Katona got out of the marriage just before she had to strip off on top of a fruit machine.
If I was Kerry Katona I would look at my mother and be very, very afraid.
So she basically dumped Mark for her career. I don't blame her. She should have done it years before. He is scum.
Mark: 'never anything's been proven about me cheating.' That's not how an innocent person talks. An innocent person says, 'I didn't do anything.'
Poor kiddywinks. They don't even have those Iceland prawn rings to fall back on now. The cruel truth is, those kids look like council house kids, and that house is just one giant council house. And I don't say that from an air of superiority; we're all dragged up in one way or another.
Having said that, that section where they were getting the kids ready for school and they played music over the top, they were just basically calling them yokels. Lovely.
What's Mark going to do with his fruit machines now? Just add another K to the KK. That's about the level of good publicity they'll have.
I'm not surprised Kerry Katona dumped Mrs Ronson. She wasn't even getting paid for that! She's gonna be the new Jordan now. I don't blame her for moving away from that man, he's revolting.
Ha to Kerry coming out looking all chic and ignoring the crew. Still, the documentary wasn't that much of a hatchet job. I saw a lot worse on MTV. Generally, this show was grim. Not very good, and just the drubbings from the reality show floor. I feel dirty.

Reality! : Tool Academy

Remember that bit in Borat when he's on the bus with those moronic, braying, racist 'frat boys' (whatever that is) watching the Pamela Anderson porno? Well this show is like that, but on a loop, like in A Clockwork Orange.
Tool Academy puts a bunch of 'tools' (yes they really are using it in that sense) nominated by their partners on a reality show where they think they're there to 'party and win 100K' (yeah like that show exists). Apparently in previous years all the tools were men, but this year there's some women tools (yes this is the third series). Actually, they are being revealed as absolute pricks.
Grown men and women bragging about not having jobs, sleeping around, having rubbish tattoos and generally shouting and causing a scene like the worst party you could ever imagine. That's what this show is. They are so wholly unpleasant that it's almost unbearable to watch. ALMOST.
In the first show (which may well be the only one I watch) the partners watch as the tools 'party' which seems to involve trying to get off with each other, shouting into the camera about how brilliant they are, and finally, having a punch up.
Incidentally, one of them looks exactly like SHEA LE BOOF and no, as ever, I'm not looking up how to spell that. One guy is about 5 foot. Oh, that's the same guy. His name is 'Chasyn'. One guy said 'look at this body' so I did; it was fat. One is a lesbian who looks a bit like Maggie Gyllenhaal (also not looking up how to spell!) with a rather pretty girlfriend. One other girl said she grew up in a brothel, so how can she be faithful?!
If you saw your partner ON TELLY saying they were SINGLE and were going to fuck everyone in sight, really, what more is left to be said? Even Cheryl Cole could get that message.
Remember when Noirin's boyfriend on Big Brother did that kind of weird sexist doggy-style dance thing (it must have a name- I'll call it the twat dance) in the mirror where you mime kind of slapping someone around? Someone just did that.
One girl cried when they saw the video; the rest were just angry. Why bother, just leave! Oh, then there's no TV show.
So then they told them they were on Tool Academy. So probably then, outed as a tool, you'd leave. But no, because it's a TV show.
Oh, here's the host from Tool Academy. What's he going to be like, I wonder? Ah, a cardboard cut-out of a man.
They had this anti 'counselling session' where they show then videos of their 'tool' partners saying they are single or their partners are idiots. Lovely. More fighting! Jacob, the fat tool, then called the straight girl tool a 'ho' and talked possessively about 'his girl' who he didn't give two fucks about two seconds earlier. Nice. Oh then he called her a 'whore'. Delightful.
He was just insanely jealous about nothing! Even though he's the one who was in the wrong! What an arsehole. The straight girl tool looked smug when they showed the video of her being awful. Urgh.
I think I've heard the word 'tool' about 75,000 times in the past hour. I don't believe I know any men who talk about women behind their back like these people do. I'm not even sure these people exist.
So mini-Shea walked out because 'he's not a tool'. I hope he watches this show back in ten years time and weeps. Or gets AIDS. One or the other.
Apparently Mexico rhymes with 'Sexico'. In it's defence Mexico looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The beach looks gorgeous. I wanna get married there.
I'll leave you with some words from Brian Molko: 'I'm a fool, who's tool is small, it's so minuscule, it's no tool at all.'

Reality: Celebrity Rehab

I downloaded the 3rd series of the American TV show Celebrity Rehab, mainly for Heidi Fleiss and I can heartily recommend it. I thought it would be pretty rubbish, but actually, it's compulsive viewing.
Firstly, it's fun seeing celebrities (or anyone) doing drugs on TV because it's a bit naughty. Secondly, the kind of celebrities who do drugs tend to be a bit more interesting than those who don't (to illustrate, Courtney Love is more interesting than H from Steps) Thirdly, these celebrities are under extreme pressure, so it makes for interesting TV.
I have no idea who most of these celebrities are, but obviously I knew Heidi (coming off meth!), who I like, and I also knew some arsehole off America's Next Top Model, who I remember loathing with a passion when she was a contestant on it. Turns out she was abused as a child, so that's why she was such a dickhead. And now I don't mind her! Also in there; some guy from Alice in Chains coming off heroin (the puke was just delighful) some country singer with big boobs who had a not entirely convincing seizure in the 2nd episode, someone off the Real World, some woman who was raped by her popstar dad, and a reluctant Dennis Rodman (who's been sent there by the courts for domestic violence). I hate Dennis Rodman, he's such a crap reality contestant because he gives you nothing, he's just front.
I'm two episodes in and they're about to put Tom Sizemore in there, who I last saw in a porno doing shitloads of coke with about 20 prostitutes (I can't remember where I watched that, but I remember a considerable amount of detail from it!) and having the time of his life, now he's like an husk of a man, totally broken and looking about 70, so I guess things caught up with him. And Heidi's his ex! And she's going to go mental.
Dr Drew, whoever he is, presides over the who thing looking rather serious, but I wouldn't say no to him being my doctor, he's got a steely sexiness about him. There's also some counsellor bloke who looks like Freddy Krueger on his day off.
It's basically like A Million Little Pieces with celebrities. All in all, it's a reality mix from heaven. Find it, watch it, get addicted.

C4: Tower Block of Commons

Exitainment is back and gone high brow (ish). After the cheap winter thrill of CBB, we're back to cheap documentaries and soaps. And a friend recommended I watch this. I'm pleased it's on channel 4 rather than the BBC, as this is the sort of programme the BBC messes up, big time. The only good documentaries the BBC has, are presented by Louis Theroux.
The premise is simple; MPs go live in a tower block to see how their 'voters' live. As if people on council estates vote. As if anyone votes.
It's a bit like Secret Millionaire, but with arseholes. Ian Duncan Smith! IDS! Not just as good as William Hague. Where's he hiding his personality? Tim Loughton, I don't even know who that is. Austin Mitchell I think came to a work thing of mine. Nah, it weren't him. Mark Oaten (Lib Dems) didn't so much come out of the closet but got blasted out by the tabloids. But he only fucked those rent boys because he was having a bad time at work and was feeling a bit depressed. He's not gay! NOT. GAY.
He thinks he's going to have to 'eat McDonalds and watch Coronation Street'. Sweet! Sign me up. Oh, I'm already signed up.
CHOG! (Chav dog) spotted. Whoever designed the council block Mark Oaten went to was some sadistic fucker. It was desolate. Not all bad though, Kathy, his host, has a telly roughly six times bigger than mine. Mark Oaten has a swimming pool! He probably goes out for a sauna.
Tim Laughton (Conservative) went to stay with a single mum, Natina. Ian Duncan Smith went to stay with the rather glamorous Charise. He patronised her mega! 'Do you know what Big Ben is?' Fuck off!
Austin took his wife Linda along, but refused to stay with the common people, instead renting their own council flat. He and his wife revealed themselves to be cunts of the first order in about the first 5 seconds of seeing them.
Selina, their hook up, had a lucky escape that he's not stopping with her. So THIS is where Jeremy Kyle's guests live. It's a bit sad, really. No wonder a night in a hotel seems worth getting him shouting in your face.
Actually though, everyone kept their houses really nice, furniture-wise. I guess they would, if they stay in them all day.
Austin bought a jacket from 'TJ Maxx!' Just as good.
Tim Loughton gives me the creeps. He's like some dark character being played by Adam Buxton on a very bad day. Tory scum! I wonder why people don't like you. Yay, he's getting stick about the expenses scandal, hehe. The guy berating him was quite eloquent! There IS a two-tier system; they steal and get away with it. Haha, then he got accosted by a chavalanche at the local shops!
I like Charise! She's cute. She's giving IDS the runaround.
OMG the mould in Kathy's bathroom! Health and safety! That's totally unacceptable. A shit in the corridor! Lush. Then some chavs said 'aint you the one who got done by the rent boys, you got AIDS!' and Mark Oaten went and cried in a field. Oh dear. Try living there. I liked Kathy saying 'he'll need a noose by the end of the week' quite cheerfully.
Charise and her mates giving IDS a load of shit was funny! Asking him about oral sex! LOLs.
Ha, Natina put Tim on babysitting duty and said 'I swear down if you mess this up you'll be dead meat'.
Mark Oaten; there's nothing wrong with being gay, or even (gosh!) bi! Just admit it and we'll all get along much better. It's the lying that's the bad part.
OMG Ian Duncan Smith dropped out! His wife got cancer... convenient (!) Aw that's a shame, I liked Charise the best. He had the best deal there. Tory fail.
Natina and Tim arguing about his clothes was quite funny. I wasn't feeling his shoes either.
Austin seemed to think that it was funny Selina was on methadone. I wonder what that methadone tastes like? Yum yum. Austin and his wife are totally useless. It's scary that someone who knows nothing about drugs could be influencing drug policy. Shut up about your newspaper, dumbass. And then comparing a heroin addiction to having a glass of wine was just tasteless. That woman is so out of touch it's offensive. OMG Austin said he previously thought the drug's problem was 'folklore'! WTF. Then his stupid wife admitted she used to be hooked on prescription meds! Hypocrite. That prescription meds thing is the biggest crock; people popping all those nasty painkillers complaining about people doing E or weed. At least ecstasy and dope do what they says on the label (OK, illegal drugs don't have labels, but they are aptly named).
Drinking tea and smoking fags all day long sounds like my boyfriend's idea of heaven!
Natina seemed quite hard, I felt for her. It's life that makes you like that. No; it's pain.
Mark Oaten actually seems OK (I know that's the point, because it's a PR stunt), at least he tried to help Kathy rather than scurrying off.
I don't think I've actually seen Tim Laughton walking round on that estate. He's just hiding indoors! Ah he finally went out to a party! Bless him, at least he tried, he looked like a fish out of water. His dancing was hilarious! He must have been mash up by that point. I warmed to him a little at the end.
OMG this in for a another few weeks. It's worth a look, you know, just a little one.
But for the real hardcore; the decent TV starts tomorrow on BBC Three. We got a new series of Snog Marry Avoid, followed by a programme called 'Hotter than My Daughter' which I'm sure is just as good as Date My Mom, followed by a programme on tanning presented by Nicola Roberts (yeah the ugly/ ginger one- oh I forgot, she's not ugly any more. She's FASHION, darling). Now THAT'S a night's viewing.

Reality! : Celebrity Quitters (Day 1)

Now there's a programme title that lends itself to a rhyme or two. This show follows five *celebrities* giving up smoking! And what a line up. No, actually, it's a good line up!
Chloe Madeley. Not since Rumer Willis has the offspring of a celebrity couple been dished out such an unfair face. She's a model? Right. And I'm getting paid for writing this old toss.
Paul Danan! Well, what can you say? He's a miracle of modern science. He's unbearable enough when stuck on a desert island with Abi Titmuss, how the fuck is he going to cope under these conditions?!
Derek Acorah!!! Has he brought Sam (his special imaginary friend) with him? I don't know about your personal favourite ever Derek Acorah moment, but mine was when he went to Yvette, 'You're a fucking bitch!' and 'Show us your tits!' and claimed he was possessed. Now THAT'S balls. You go, Derek.
There's some other guy who I think was in the jungle one year. A chef? I seem to remember him being a sour-puss.
Oh and finally actress Linda Robson. Career going well, is it? She quit smoking for 17 years! It's like my mum, she quit for a few years and then started again, it's fucking STUPID. I really can't believe she did that.
I personally don't smoke, because I'm not an idiot, but my boyfriend (sorry! haha- I'm already in the bad books today, let's keep digging) smokes about 1000 a day. I know it's hard to give up. So this should make good telly.
Paul Danan is brilliant. I'd need more than a coffee and a fag waking up next to that. Acorah didn't start smoking til he was 29! That's my age! What a mental thing to start doing at this age. Just do crack, at least you'd get high. Smoking is rubbish! If I'm going to die from a drug, I want to FEEL high off it! I want to be FLYING as they card me off, not spluttering black goo all over the place.
70% of all smokers want to quit. I guess the other 30% are about 13.
Moral dilemma: Who would you rather be stuck in a lift with? Derek Acorah or Paul Danan? Arghhhhhhhh! Too hard.
Smoking IS idiotic, but there's something quite friendly and heart-warming about how naughty smokers congregate together. They get away with a zillion breaks at work too. I've always liked smokers even though I'm not one; I think it's because my mum smoked when she was pregnant with me (thanks mum, that did me no harm at all! Right?!) I don't know, smoking is kind of cool and sexy. Until the tracheotomy.
I already know a lot of dangers from smoking because I used to work for Cancer Research UK. Smoking is basically twice as bad as any damage you can do from unhealthy eating (I console myself with this, because I have an appalling diet); and it affects every single part of your body.
It's quite interesting that if you give up in a group your chances of quitting are increased by four! That's pretty good.
Madeley spawn has a lisp. Did Richard and Judy do anything right by this girl? Add this to the drink-driving and the bong-smoking! She's a wrong 'un! Ha, talking about her photo-shoots! Get the big airbrush out, Julian!
I don't like the sound of doing those tests to see how clogged up your arteries are and how fucked your lungs are! I'd rather stick my head in the sand. I went for a blood test recently and amazingly, was healthy. I was expecting a death sentence.
Paul Danan is such a prat. He's just come out of rehab for drug abuse. Bet it was coke, he just seems that type. Is that his house? It looks like a bedsit. They told him his lung age was 46 and he looked like he was going to cry. Haha, then he went outside and vomited! I love a good vomit on a reality show. The absolute best reality vomit ever was on Vanity Lair when this arrogant, big-headed guy who said any woman over a size 12 was disgusting vomited at a photo of himself because he was SO ugly. Nothing can touch that moment!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. The doctor gave them all a raisin and asked them to look at it 'as if they'd never seen one before in their life'. That's exactly how Paul Danan WAS looking at it.
I feel sorry for these people; I can't give up my addiction to crisps, and that's not even addictive. I don't know how people give up these things.
I saw a better show about quitting smoking in America (well I saw clips of it) called Cold Turkey where they thought they were going on some slick reality show to 'fulfil their dreams' and instead they were in some big brother style house and forced to give up smoking against their will, and tempted along the way. The winner won a million dollars.
I guess Channel 5 spent all their spare cash on Justin Lee Collins.
I might write another blog on this, depends if Paul Danan has a total breakdown and starts battering Derek Acorah. It's on all week anyway, so set your boxes to record. Or throw it out the window, whichever feels right.

TV: Dating in the Dark

I started blogging a serious documentary, but it was so damn boring, so I'll blog Dating in the Dark instead. Dating in the Dark is a high-quality TV show on Living (!) and each week three boys and three girls (the boys room has a football table! The girls room is pink!) go on dates with each other in 'the specially made' darkroom (I have one of those too, it's called switching off the light and/ or bedtime). There's only SO much you can do in the dark, so it usually descends into them having a cheeky fumble, which is quite amusing when they see exactly whom they've been a-fumbling with!
So they go on a couple of dates before deciding (or rather, the producers deciding) who's their 'best match' and then they... well, go on another date, before they get to see.
The best bit is the 'reveal' when they shine a light on the person they've basically fallen in love with and are imagining is some 6 foot Robert Pattinson clone but better, and reveal them to be a boss-eyed, jug-eared 'bubbly' dwarf. The smart bit is that they keep the OTHER person in darkness whilst the light is on them, so they can't see the other person's crushing disappointment. Then both must decide if they want to meet again for a date in the light, or if they want to escape sharpish via the back entrance. It particularly amusing when the person buggers off, as they have to walk right by the person they've stood up. Harsh.
This programme could be improved massively by not having new contestants each week, but by keeping the same ones for six weeks. Make them REALLY fall for each other, then there's some interesting drama there. At the moment we learn nothing except for what we already know; people are shallow cunts. Put them in there for the long haul, and let's see what they're really made of.
Besides, Dating in the Dark already exists. It's called internet dating. Come on, you don't really think he looks like that, do you?

4OD: Joe Millionaire UK

I LOVED the American version of Joe Millionaire, it was the ultimate in schmaltz. This Disney prince of a guy (I think he was a farmer, it was a while back) pretended to be rich, and wined and dined all these gold-digging bints before finally revealing he was brass. Did they end up together? I doubt it, but at least she was gracious, and they airbrushed things a bit.
I have no idea when the UK Joe Millionaire screened, but I just watched the whole series of it on 4OD. And boy, was it cut price. Instead of a square-jawed, charming hunk, we get Dominic, a bouncer from Bournemouth. He was so fucking boring that even with his faux-villa in Ibiza, you would have taken your chances in San Antonio at 3am rather than put up with this dude's smooth talk. Joe Millionaire US had a butler, Dominic UK had a producer who came on and said 'put your flip flops on girls, we're going to dinner.' There wasn't even a presenter! Come on, they could have got Michael Underwood to do it, surely.
Cheap! Some of the girls were actually OK, but why they put themselves up for this sexist bullshit, god alone knows. I don't see Joanna Millionaire anywhere, do you?
*spoiler- in the unlikely event that my blog post has so moved you, you are going to watch this series, stop reading now*
So genius boy turns down the lovely Welsh Jane who you could tell actually really liked him, and ended up picking probably the only girl who WAS bothered that he didn't have any £££, a complete crab-cunt called Amanda. Watching her face when he told her he didn't have the cash almost made it worth sitting through the other seven tedious episodes. Then she saw his 'no fear' tattoo and virtually ran up that hill in a different direction. There was one more scene where the producers forced her to go visit him in his normal house where she passed snotty comments on his clothes, his friends car, and finally, his job. I hope she's found her footballer by now; because her grasping outlook on relationships surely points to a destiny of hard-faced unhappiness.
Dominic, not only are you a dullard, you're a sucker. And Amanda, you're an arsehole. Should have picked Jane. Hey ho.
If you have any suggestions of good stuff to watch, on 4OD, or torrents, do let me know, as the TV schedulers seem to have given up. I've got Curb and Medium on the go, but could do with some more lightweight stuff. Thanks Exitainmentites.

Big Brother 10: The Final: You Fat Whinging Cunt

I'm drinking for a first time in a month! Here's a toast to the tonsils; evicted from my throat.
Couldn't blog last night as my computer died; thank god it wasn't tonight, I'd have cried! Yes Siavash did lay it on a bit thick but I'm still backing him or Roddy for the win. Fuck you Sophie, you don't deserve it, a vote for you is a vote for Kris! (actually I like Sophie, but come on, she aint our winner).
Siavash is doing his Jesus act again. BB has got strict! I've never known anyone threaten to leave on the penultimate night!
Will Charlie's speech mention his mam? See the way he whipped her out yesterday whilst declaring himself most deserving to win? What a tool.
Sophie's hair has grown back! Magic. Mmm, Rodrigo looks hot in purple. And sexy crying!
I voted for Siavash and Roddy. My boyfriend recommends a nuclear vote that costs a fiver and takes ten votes off Charlie. Score!
WTF is Angel wearing?! That girl is batshit crazy. Yay, Sree! Go fuck yourself, Kris.
Noirin is single! LOL. FRIENDS!
In another world Marcus and Lisa would be lovers! Big up Digital Spy!
OMG Rodrigo out 5th! That's not right. I'm shocked! Fucked off Charlie beat him. Look at his outfit! Aw. Love Rodrigo. He should have been top two!
Yay, no psychologists or guests. Pure BB style. Oh dear. She's turned up via proxy.
CHARLIE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEATEN RODDY. BOO.
God, DAVID beat Rodrigo. WTF! He was sweet in his interview, pretending he doesn't love Charlie. That video from his family was ace. SOB!
CHARLIE'S OUT! YES! Beaten by David! Eat it, eat it! SO glad Siavash beat him. So un-glad HE beat Rodrigo.
Despite his 'yes/ yes/ yes' there was definitely a bit of gutted behind the eyes then.
Charlie- one dimensional nice guy! I.e. cunt. Siavash cheated on his girlfriend and beat you, LOL. Me mam, me mam. Blah. Big Brother saved his mum's life.
Charlie's interview was loads shorter than Roddy's. GOOD! You are the weakest link; goodbye.
David in third! HOW?! How did he get more votes than Roddy and Charlie?!
What is Judy James wearing? Even Siavash would balk at it.
I hate the speculation about Sophie's weight, but GOD she looked skinny at the beginning. I like her better plump and drunk, though. I liked the way she let herself go, it felt real.
I like the fact Siavash and Sophie are left; they've always been loyal to each other. Liked Siavash giving David a big smack on the choppers too, I like how comfortable he is with his sexuality, it's really, really refreshing.
There goes David and his seatbelts, shouting and sweaty! David is YOUNGER THAN ME! How!?!?!!
David went in there with an open book; he's worst than Honey off of Eastenders (Perry Fenwick- LOL!)
He DID do well to come third; but I think it was more accident than design.
David about Robbie Williams; 'has he come out?' Hahaha.
'Fat whinging cunt' in the highlights!!! LOLLLLLLLS! Marcus to win! Oh...!
OMG Sophie won. She looked shocked. I do believe Siavash was happy for her though. I wonder what the percentage was?
Sophie owes him ten grand for wearing that shit out of the house.
Aw Noirin shame. HOODIE!!! Pine. Pine. Pine. Friends. Friends. Friends. Have fun.
Convenient that Siavash has lost his voice! See Noirin laughing!
Look at all the power Siavash had when he first went in! That house ground him down. Siavash looked good as the rabbit.
FUCK Sophie got 74.4% of the vote! Gosh. I can't resent her as a winner. She's better than Rachel.
I liked the sketch with Rodrigo and Sophie; they are so cute together. I don't understand how Roddy came 5th and she came 1st. He was a lot more multi-faceted than her.
Well done, Dogface. It's good girls voted for you, I guess.
I kinda like that song off that advert. I did cry a tiny bit.
Liked it when they panned past Marcus and he said 'Get fucked'.
Sophie what you gonna spend your cash on? New boobs and new hair. And crack for chihuahuas.
Shall I say a word or two about Big Mouth? Why not. My blog has been a bit shit despite my drinking. Davina looks like crap.
It's weird they are doing their own catchphrases already (Shut up/ absolutely brilliant). David chose Lisa over Vivienne.
I love Grace Dent! Roddy should have won. I still can't work out how he came 5th.
Why is Bob calling Siavash Sheavash?! Siavash is getting roasted on BBLB. He came SECOND, you spazzes.
Basshunter! Has a vocoder installed in his throat. And Brian Belo nuzzled Sophie's boobies! Outrageous.
So that's all folks. Hopefully there'll be some good shit on this autumn about brain tumours, eating disorders and sex changes.
And I'll review a couple of gigs and albums. Stay with me. It's still better than going out.

Big Brother 10: I assume we all want to be Beyonce.

Why is the last mile the hardest mile?
Hehe to Charlie knocking Lisa's tea over. Apparently an inflatable 'really hurts' when it hits you on the head.
Siavash: 'I assume we all want to be Beyonce'. Classic line! I wouldn't want to be Beyonce, with her tree trunk thighs, and going into 'character' to do sexy dancing, because her good Christian self doesn't do that sort of thing. Beyonce is a prick.
Charlie sulking about being the stylist! Idiot. What a little twat he is. God I hate that Beyonce song so much. If you like IT then you should have put a ring on it??? WHAT???? Is she actually saying that? What a feminist icon.
Charlie sulking and Lisa leering at Beyonce. Yuck. Charlie is being more pathetic than Bea about not getting his own way.
Sophie quoted Sree! Hehe. Rodrigo: 'you are just a Playboy bunny'. Nice. And then laughing at Charlie's outfit, LOL! What's up with, Charlie? Why is being such a douche so close to the final? I mean, he's always a douche, but so openly a douche in the final week, so much so that even the thickest type of pond life who'd vote for him would cotton on. Self sabotage!
Only marginally less sexy than Beyonce herself was David as Beyonce. Siavash LOVES dressing up as a woman, doesn't he? That task did make me laugh, but mainly in abject horror. Siavash's arse was EATING that leotard!
Men arguing about hair straightners is just about the most emasculating thing on TV. It makes my fanny want to curl up and die. Rodrigo and his kinky hair makes me want to vote Siavash to win. Roddy's just miffed cos Charlie's got a cob on.
I liked it when Siavash went 'thank god' when Davina said Sophie was safe. It was touching. Charlie and David crying over the loss of Lisa made me wanna smoke crack.
God are we having to suffer their fucking home videos again? Give us a break, BB. The last half an hour of this show was virtually unwatchable.
Dopey David! That joke isn't funny anymore.
Siavash to win? I'm still tempted by Roddy. I reckon it's the closest final in a LOOOOOONG time. Let's face it, if Ulrika Johnsson can beat Terry Christian, all bets are off.

Big Brother 10: Ding dong, the witch is dead

Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Bit topsy turvy tonight as my BT Vision box declined to tape the 1st installment. So I'm watching the eviction show first.
Ooh it's between Charlie and Lisa! Bye Lisa! Shame Charlie didn't go, but at least Lisa didn't get very high ratings, getting the boot on a Tues. I'm not drunk, either, which doesn't help. Go smoke fags back home. Is there a crowd? Is she getting booage? They should have sent her out via the back door, to no crowd, like they did to lovely chicken Stu back in the day, who did not deserve it (Lisa did).
Her behaviour was dire this week, but annoyed Charlie scoots his little tortoise face into the final. Shame we couldn't have had a double eviction.
Woah, the panel is distinctly Z-list tonight, and that's saying something. Lisa is in combative mode. The defences are up!
LOL Kim hit the nail on the head with Lisa! Haha. Lisa will never see How Clean is Your House in the same light. Hehe, Davina snuck in the word 'bitter'.
Lisa's just reeling out the party line. Exscaping. No surprises here so far.
Can Lisa take a joke? Let's see. Hmm, not so sure!
Does Lisa even like David? I am not convinced!
How did Lisa and David cope in those furry suits all day when they went to London without a fag? I demand answers! I don't believe they didn't smoke, it's bullshit!
Give her more of a hard time for her bullying of Freddie! Hmm.
Mini bus stop was cool. At least Lisa has good manners. That's about the best I can say about her.
Ooh look at Charlie biting his nails down to the quick! You should be worried, sonny jim. Elephants don't forget!
Well I might as well blog Big Mouth as I'm waiting for the 1st show to download on a torrent. More Z-list celebs, John McCruick, spare me. Undoing years of sexy hunk advertising in one swoop.
LOL at Marcus being released back into the wild! I wonder if Siavash's girlfriend is in the audience this week *psycho*!
I don't like John McCruick brow-beating Lisa, he did the same to Freddie too!
Ahhh Marcus calling David a fat fuck *warm glow*. If David is a 32 waist, I'm a size zero.
Stop saying 'y'know' Lisa! Props to Lisa for coming back to McCruick with the strap-on comment! Nice work.
Lisa giving it 'you only see an hour of it'- the bad editing defence. The worst! I've watched hours of live feed! This Big Mouth is BORING. God, I wish I was drunk. I haven't even seen the highlights yet and I'm tired. Grumpy now.
Christ, these highlights are rubbish! Especially after that wait. 'Charlie gonging me!'
True colours, true colours, yap, yap, yap.
Christ, look at Sophie's boobies! Lawks.
Lisa, Charlie woke you up in the night to say 'no hard feelings!' God, don't go into counselling, will you, Charlie, he'll be helping the bereaved by putting a whoopee cushion on his clients' chair.
Siavash's joy at watching BB soon turned to the realisation that he was getting shafted. It was quite bold of him to walk out when they showed it; I'd be desperate to see, even if it was through my fingers! They are making a mug out of Sea at the mo. He should front it a bit.
Ooh, 'friends' and 'have fun' from Noirin! Score.
You can tell a lot about a housemate from their faces whilst watching Siavash dig his own grave. Sophie and Rodrigo looked hurt for him. Charlie was practically licking his lips. Lisa found it funny.
Rodrigo and Charlie were mainly shitting their pants about what they've been up to, methinks.
Look at the way Charlie strutted into that room afterwards to rub Siavash's nose in it. He was basically skipping. Siavash was milking it. But it is embarrassing for him.
I wonder where Noirin is now. I do know she aint happy. How could she be?
Lisa's impression of Marcus was surreal. Sophie's Irish accent was the strangest thing I've ever heard. She sounded half Liverpudlian, half South African. They should have dug up the HOODIE! I miss the hoodie. Give Siavash the hoodie to sniff.
Haha, Sophie pulled out the 'friends' gun. Friends, friends, friends! I miss Noirin.
Is BB victimising Sivash a good or bad thing? I think good, a sympathy vote is still a vote, dude. Lap up the crumbs. I think Siavash knows it, too.
The others seemed to be enjoying taking the mickey a little TOO much for my liking. Siavash did a bad thing, but he paid the price, and I think, was badly hurt.
Urgh and Lisa sticking the knife in. Bitch. Does she not understand that some things aren't black and white?
Give Siavash his clothes back. And as for you, Lisa, get out of my sight.

Big Brother 10: No one tells me what to do... except Big Brother

Well the BB editors obviously thought last night's show was useless as well, so they lit the dynamite tonight in the form of the 'nomination game'! LOL. Let the bitching commence.
Haha, Sophie nominated Charlie for being 'false' in the first week! She was right! The look of joy on Rodrigo's face! Check out Charlie's fixed smile. You will pay for that, Sophie!
Lisa's face when Rodrigo nommed her! Rodrigo took Charlie's one better. Don't. fuck. with. the. matriarch. Everyone has to nominate! Fuck you, Lisa. The truth hurts. Perhaps instead of spouting off like the nasty old bit of scrag you are, you should have LISTENED to WHY he nominated you. Ever thought about that? Yet it's fair game to nominate Siavash, Marcus and Freddie week after week.
That was funny when Sophie nominated David and he did his fake laugh. Dealt with! She's got your number.
Urgh it sickens me them all kowtowing to Lisa. 'You're young, you'll see as you grow up.' What will they see? You're just a poisonous old bag who has provided no entertainment whatsoever this summer, and systematically got everyone entertaining or kind evicted from that house. So fuck you, Lisa. I'm 29; and from the bottom of my heart I say, FUCK YOU.
How many times did Lisa nominate Siavash? She says once but where's the proof? He's not 'crafty'. He does play up to it sometimes, but at heart he's alright, you know. Her heart is just as black and rotten as her lungs. I wish Siavash would give it back to her.
Urgh and then when Lisa called Sophie Siavash's little pet just because she never got the memo to VOTE SIAVASH OUT. There's an example of your intimidation tactics, Lisa.
YAY Siavash GAVE IT BACK. Good. Eat that, Lisa. I vote Siavash to win just for that comment. At least Siavash is brave enough to throw himself to the lions, even after what he did with Noirin, he dared put his fate in the public's hand. Lisa has just hidden her way through the series- hidden behind her sacrificial lambs.
Even Sophie's twigged it! Sophie has sussed Lisa! If Sophie's sussed her, then the game is well and truly up.
Has David got dungarees on?! Look at Charlie's inane grin as he gets called to the diary room to perform! Ha, not grinning now, are you? LOL! Go on, squeeze a Bea-tear out. At least he didn't nominate after that charade. Oh but he did want some praise for his sacrifice afterwards.
Lisa and David are keen to nominate! It is totally fair if they all go up in the final week. Lisa and David are making themselves look like pricks. Don't they see that?
Haha, David nominating! No one tells me what to do... except Big Brother. Idiot box. OMG he nominated Sophie! Bad David. I like Sophie. But all this 'Sophie to win' thing is ridiculous. She's a nice girl, but doesn't deserve it. She's had it pretty easy in there.
David: 'I don't talk shit'- if you say so.
Charlie is giving it the saint act; but Siavash called Charlie out on nominating Marcus too! Siavash is on fire tonight. Fuck off Lisa, you dickhead. Siavash did nothing to Marcus; Noirin was NOT Marcus's property!!!
David you ARE scared of being evicted, you little fucking worm! Stop trying to get other people to have as slack morals as you.
I don't find Rodrigo particularly childish, but I do find Lisa to be a complete CUNT!
Shit, Rodrigo did nominate, but he nominated Lisa, hahaha.
YOU'RE the one showing your true colours, Lisa, you fucking mingebag. Well done, you've overtaken Charlie as my figure of hate. Stop trying to run the house! You lose.
The way Siavash said 'no hard feelings'; he has more class in his little finger than Lisa could ever dream of. Yay, then Rodrigo came out and said he put Lisa and David up; LOL! Let the public decide.
Don't pick Rodrigo up on his English, Lisa, how much Portugese do you speak whilst watching Jeremy Kyle in your one bed council flat? Rodrigo has not got a lot to learn; you do, but you won't.
Loved Siavash's reasons why he wasnt nominating, but that he could. Just very, very classy behaviour from Siavash tonight.
I'm glad David and Lisa have alienated themselves from the house. They are total morons. LOVED the others taking the mickey. Very funny. At least Charlie had the balls to admit what they were saying when David asked.
I have a feeling this walk out isn't going to work! Bless them for trying, though.
At least Sophie and Siavash were up for it, Charlie and Rodrigo were dilly-dallying. Just out-bluff BB! The show would be dead without you. You really needed Marcus on hand for the revolution.
Charlie waking Lisa and David up was still idiotic, but in the context of the show, I feel less malice towards him than when I saw it last night on the live feed.
Final week, well it's gotta be Rodrigo or Siavash to win, now. Rodrigo has probably got enough votes just on his baby face alone. For Freddie, for Marcus, for their scalps, in memorium, vote Siavash to win. He's our last man standing. Our last fuck you to Lisa. Come on. You know it makes sense.

Big Brother 10: The blog with no name

Last night's highlights were SO boring. When you have extended scenes of David and Lisa eulogising themselves, you know you're in deep shit highlights-wise. And Lisa lamenting the loss of Marcus! Well, I never.
Lisa's bored! Send her home. Stop saying you're missing Marcus, Charlie, you voted him out, you duplicitous cuntrag!
Ooh Lisa's got a reason to nominate Rodrigo now. Tempers definitely seem a bit frayed at the moment. That money is in sight, even if it's depleted.
The task thing was funny for about five minutes, then got a bit boring. Which reminds me, when are they going to give Siavash his clothes back? I wish he'd draw his other eyebrow on too. The lack of symmetry is annoying.
Urgh David and his laugh! Ban both. Even Lisa looks tired.
Marvel at them order a Chinese! The excitement is just too much. Ah, it's delivered and they start moaning immediately.
God, Lisa going on about her bagging of straight girls. David is right; places are not gay friendly; if two blokes start snogging in a straight club, it's not that friendly I'd imagine.
What IS it with that extra 5 minutes at the end of BB? I have to sit through a whole ad break for that? Normally I don't have to sit through ad breaks but I've lost my remote control. It's not my day.
Roll on Friday; this series is dead. But I STILL hate all the gleeful articles gloating over the end of Big Brother; you don't see me calling for an end to Songs of Praise or Countdown for being a tired formula. So why don't you just let us enjoy our own programmes, motherfuckers?

Big Brother 10: Cram it up your scabby fat arse

Hair wars! Do you think a £7 hair extension can save Sophie's barnet? Marcus just doesn't want her to have glorious locks like him.
How can you tell the difference between Siavash's own clothes and the comedy clothes BB puts him in? It was a bit cruel of him to wind them all up, he likes his riddles.
So far Siavash is coming out on top in these highlights. It sucks either way; I don't want either Marcus or Siavash to go. Ooh Marcus called him out on it! I think Marcus is being a little unfair.
Charlie: 'MY money is going to care for me mam.' It's not YOUR fucking money, Charlie.
I'm fucking sick of them having a go at Siavash. David says he'd take 50K but they're having a go at Siavash for wanting to give money to charity. Donkeys.
Siavash carried off his outfit with a certain degree of panache. David's laughing at him was absolutely pathetic *say in David style*. Imagine David in that outfit! I hate David right now. Marcus is being a right grumpy bastard as well. He's shooting himself in his dark horseshoe right now. It was obvious he wouldn't cut off his hair though.
Rodrigo's face during the truth or dare when Charlie said who he'd sleep with! Bloody hell. He was fuming!
Wow, can't believe Marcus went. He was the victim of a bad edit tonight, but he has become a pastiche of himself this last week. Aw his cheeky little face when leaving! Can't believe we lost Marcus and Freddie in two weeks. Shocking. This should give Siavash some strength now. That house is dead on it's feet.
Marcus getting it in the neck from Andi Peti! Grace told it like it was- Marcus is one of the greats. Funny as fuck.
I don't find Marcus that sexist. He's just a comedy characature. Glad Grace brought Noirin up though.
Marcus saying he wanked 7 and a bit times, hehe. Glad Davina pulled him up about Siavash and Noirin. Knew he wouldn't hold his hands up, though.
Marcus's best bits went on forever. 'Well I think you're a fucking pathetic fat whinging cunt!' Just pure, pure classic TV.
The dark horse just gor repressed. And looking at the remaining bunch, we are all the poorer for it.

TV: What Katie Did Next

How did Peter and Jordan split their camera crews? Do you think there's some sort of custody agreement? It's funny that in the midst of their very REAL grief at the end of their marriage they both thought to get the whole damn thing on film, isn't it? Well, not so much funny as sick.
So I watched Peter 'dignified silence' Andre's Going it Alone the other week and it was really, really boring. Brave (t.m.) Pete cries! Look how deep his lyrics are! Look at him allude to some secret horror that ended the marriage! Yeah, whatever. He left her. And he's just as big a cash cow as she is. Both of them would sell their grannies for an OK cover. At least she's not pretending otherwise.
That's not to say I'm defending that frozen-faced harridan; I can't fucking stand her. I never understood all this 'oh she's such a good businesswoman' shit; she's just a bit ruthless and got lucky.
So anyway, onto tonight's PR stunt (I mean, show). Oh Jordan is equally boring when she's not got a husband to emasculate. She's her usual cold, monotone self.
Her going to meet her 'publishers' just makes me sick, frankly. If she's a writer, I'm a mountaineer. Oh, she just went to look at pictures of herself. Hand her the cheque, she's worked hard.
Ooh she made the bookings herself to go on holiday! Well done. And she's flying out with no security! Bold. She aint exactly Madonna, is she?
The holiday itself was mind-numbing in the extreme. Jordan posing, Jordan and her hangers on talking shit. Jordan looking through the tabloids at pictures of herself. Zzzzz.
Then she had her Pete tattoo crossed out. Tasteful. I don't really get that because you can still read it; and her kids might think it's a bit odd. She seemed quite steely doing that.
Then she was acting outraged that the paparazzi asked her to go topless! Tsk, she'd never do that, how dare they. Didn't like her friend telling her what to wear out though. If she wants to look like a creasoted stick insect smuggling two beach balls into a scrap of PVC let her get on with it, I say.God, her veneers look bloody enormous and her black hair is too harsh. I get it, she likes horses, but no need to model herself on one.
Actually, this show was more interminable than Peter's one. Fair enough he laid on the 'doting dad' thing a bit thick, but she laid on the caring mother thing a bit TOO thin.
Bring on the BDSMing cage-fighter, I say.

Big Brother 10: Can you see the Millennium Eye?

Anarchy in Borehamwood!
Quite ironic really on the day that it is announced that Big Brother is axed, they set David and Lisa a highly un-Big Brother-like task of going outside, and the rest of the housemates storm the camera run. The whole thing feels like it's falling apart in front of our (very) eyes.
I appreciate the fact that sending Lisa and David out of the house is a cool idea; but it's so very at odds with the idea of what Big Brother is about, that it just seems absurd. To my mind, part of winning, is being holed up in that house for three months, THEN coming out to the baying crowd. If you've already been out mingling with the crowd a week beforehand, it rather takes the shine off. And to that end, I'm glad Marcus didn't get to go. It's not like Lisa and David are gonna win the fucker, is it?
Can we send Charlie into space (sans oxygen?) David and Lisa looked more like fruit than aliens. Hmm, good luck with that task, Sophie and Rodrigo.
I enjoyed Marcus cawing to the birds in the garden because it's the kind of infantile thing I do.
I liked Lisa and David's excitement at the task though, it must be such a buzz to get out of the house like that. The producers were probably glad Marcus didn't get that task or he'd probably have just ditched the costume and run off. Now that would have been funny. Lucky for BB they got 'rules is rules' cretins David and Lisa.
It was nice to see them on the bus, though. I knew that bus would come if Lisa waited there long enough! It was like they were on day release from the loony bin.
Aw it was cute when they held hands. Lisa hammering it home that David better not fuck up the task!
Haha omg that was funny when David was on the phone and Lisa thought he was talking to her. They are such a stupid pair. Do you think they're going to be smart enough to try and take a sneaky peek at Heat, or check their odds down the bookies?
Siavash can't beat Marcus can he? I admire him for plouging his own bizarre furrow in some respects. It's better than towing the line.
HAHAHA to Lisa and David trying to get their pcitures taken by the harsh London crowd. Bless 'em.
It was good when Marcus went in the pool. Now you are awake!
I LOVED the unbridled joy of them all running round the camera runs, and that even Rodrigo did it. It was ace! Ooh Siavash got manhandled. LOL Sophie, Rodrigo and Charlie got lost! Ha, Marcus is such a naughty boy. I love him. Marcous! It all went a bit Dead Set and counter-culture, I liked it a lot. I think they trumped Lisa and David!
'London town centre'! LOL. Up west, dude. OMG David's chirruping laugh of glee. Hehe Charlie trying to one up them with his story! His FACE! He was seething. Perhaps should have waited a few minutes for that one. Snigger.
How long before Lisa's moaning about the loss of the prize fund? Rules IS rules, after all!

Big Brother 10: They own us

Painkillers!
Sophie doing this Jade schtick is boring, BB is literally revelling in her thickness. Let's dress her up in school uniform and make fun of the thick blonde! Misogyny central. I'm not sure I'd know where all of those places are to be honest, but I think I could do half of them, hehe. Even the thickest cunt must know what the UK looks like though, especially when you live in it. Sophie seems drunk constantly now. I think she's lost the plot.
Siavash, just nominate you fucking plank! He's really getting on my nerves. Why is Marcus backtracking now as well? The dark horse is running scared!
Oh wind your neck in Charlie, you're the only tool in that house. He sees Siavash and Marcus as threats! Simple as that. See how fast he came up with extra reasons for Marcus when he was under pressure! Idiot box.
Bye bye Siavash then. You threw yourself under the bus, and to be honest I'm not that bothered anymore. You almost had it all, but you threw it away. Shoulda put David up.
A bad, bad end to things, basically all the good guys got picked off in the end, and actually the catalyst for that was Bea. Lisa was almost overthrown, but Bea fucked it up.
I'm glad Rodrigo pulled Siavash up on his martyrdom. Siavash really is a rebel without a cause. Hmm, wonder why Charlie is so upset? How ironic he's calling someone Mr Perfect, he's been trademarking that image for two months now. Listening to all these yapping off it's a crying shame we are losing Siavash over David/ Lisa/ Charlie.
Siavash does have freedom of choice! BB can kick him out if they don't like it Sophie was the only person defending him.
The way Charlie pulled Siavash's girlfriend out the bag! HARSH! It's none of his fucking business. GOD I HATE HIM! The injustice of this situation is just not right! The only person who showed his 'true colours' tonight was Charlie.
I believe Siavash doesn't want to be in the final if the public don't want him there. Charlie/ Lisa/ David don't care either way. Glad he told Charlie and Rodrigo so.
David says straightfaced: 'they say jump, I say how high?' So he'd be the first gassing the Jews, just remember that folks, when you're picking your winner.
How did Siavash 'cheat' on Marcus? Was Marcus going out with Noirin? NO.
See Charlie spluttering when Siavash said 'why didn't you vote so we all went up?' OMG and then he just goes and dances to his song! ARGH!
I'm glad it's nearly over. Marcus or Rodrigo to win. Chuck Charlie out via the side door mid next week. Cheers.

Big Brother 10: If it was fucking acid, fair enough

I'm sick and itchy and in pain but I'm also bored out of my brain so I'll try squeeze a mini-blog out. I liked the wrestling yesterday, it was fun. The episode the day before was SO boring. On the eviction; Davina stuck it to Bea GOOD! I was shocked at how harsh she was, but totally deserved.
Now am I being paranoid or are they showing an awful lot of Charlie lately? Oh, he's such a cheeky chappie! Look at him deny his feelings for Rodrigo and declare himself 'a lovely guy'. So why do I hate him SO much? The way he reacted over the magazines thing was telling in itself, one bit of criticism and he went ballistic. I just fing him utterly vacuous and transparent. If he wins, I'll shut up shop, I swear. HE CANNOT WIN!
And I still don't understand what Sophie was so upset about with Kris? It all seemed very cynical and to do with agents and it just didn't smell right. Yuck.
Aw Rodrigo, don't fall for him, you're too good for that odius showy little prink. There'll be tears before bedtime either way.
Sophie is a bit idiotic for moaning that Marcus was upset she stole from him. Sophie is coming off like a bit of an idiot at the moment. I can't believe she's the favourite to win. I like her and Rodrigo together, but she's just a total airhead really.
David has had hundreds of one night stands! With whom?! This story stacks up about as well as Freddie and his four lovers.
It annoys me now that ALL their conversations are about the end of the show/ wrapping up etc. It's boring! Too much dead wood in that house. That's the problem.
I did have a wry smile at David/ Siavash during the toothbrush task but that was about it.
Siavash seems very interested in other people's sexuality, doesn't he? I wonder why..?
Lisa rubbed it in a bit with Sophie when they lost the task considering she's meant to be her friend.
Sophie hit the nail on the head with the nominations thing; Charlie, Rodrigo, David and Lisa are running scared. Siavash isn't scared actually; I think he doesn't want a free pass to the final. He wants to feel he's earned it, whereas Lisa and Charlie feel entitled.
It's all very well Siavash looking down his nose at Sophie for not knowing this and that but he didn't actually answer the question of where Sweden was, did he? Does Sophie give women/ blondes a bad name? No, she just gives the education system one.
Despite my complaints about Sophie, I like the fact she has so little regard for her image that she just waxes her eyebrows off for a laugh. That's my kind of girl.
So in conclusion, mixed feelings about everything. I blame the codeine and tramadol cocktail.

Big Brother 10: You killed Marcus!

Don't let the title fool you that this blog is gonna be a good 'un, it aint.
'If you count the skeletons in my closet... under the bed, and up under my faucet...' What is Eminem on about? Anyway!
Heartwarming start to the show; a gravestone with Bea's name on. 'Why has mine got a crow on?' Because you never stop squawking? Oh God, Bea 'I want/ I want'. Had Bea got her costume on yet..? Oh.
Rodrigo and Sophie looked cute as vampires. I want Rodrigo to start going; 'One... ha ha ha ha. Two... ha ha ha ha.'
Bea didn't suffer enough for my liking! Let's really operate on her.
David came across like a dick having a go at Bea for nominating him (although she did lie). He's a right touchy git! Am I bovvered? If I was Bea I'd walk; that'd teach him. I'm surprised she didn't take it worse. God, shut up David. You're an idiot. Stop bellowing.
Well that apology went well, didn't it. If I was Bea I wouldn't even justify it. I'd just say 'I nominated you- tough'. I can't believe she's even letting him go on like that with the way she normally behaves. He is totally over-reacting.
Ooh Lisa gave it to Bea! Looks like you shouldn't have thrown Freddie under the bus after all. LOL. All the things Bea has done in that house and they dig her out over nothing. Weird. Good to see Lisa showing her claws though.
God that BB (and therefore my blog) was boring. Blame Endemol, not Exitainment.

Big Brother 10: Nothing to do with the Mingebaggery

When Marcus and Lisa are bonding, you know the ship's going down. Bea is such a spoilsport. Everyone's pissed at her so she just wants to walk. Why is BB giving her extra messages from home?! What is there to be proud of? I'd be sickened to have brought up such a spoilt, ungrateful snob.
The way she tried to wriggle out of those nominations was the most barefaced thing I'd ever seen. Why does anyone DESERVE to go over you, Bea, with the way you behave? I'm so sick of even hearing her voice. Get rid!
Good luck getting Rodrigo out of that house, Bea, you fucking spanner. You might as well just put your nomination in the bin. You should have nominated Lisa instead, it might have saved you.
Siavash and his bumbling nominations protest is just getting sillier. It's totally stupid. What is he protesting against!? I don't get what he's on about either. He's giving it all the rhetoric and posturing but he's saying NOTHING. It's just a load of old twaddle. Beware false idols!
Ha that was funny when he came out the diary room and ran into the innocents Rodrigo and Sophie. Bless them! Ooh but Bea touched the cursed man! Heheeeeeee. GOOD!
Siavash is the KING of going 'something has happened but I can't tell you what!' There's being enigmatic and then there's just being an irritant.
How can Charlie nominate Marcus and Siavash when he's been on the front line for Bea's most audacious stunts?!
David, please nominate Bea. Oh my god, he DIDN'T. Oh Jesus. Please don't let this happen again. David, you're an idiot. Ha and Bea nominated you and then lied to your face; sucker.
LOL to Marcus telling Bea he voted for her. Deal with it!
I like Sophie, despite the Kris thing. Ha, Bea, David and Marcus up! Bye Bea.
See how antsy David gets when he thinks he's going to get put up? Idiot. If Bea walks, he's the new target, let's destroy him. He's getting on my nerves.
Lisa lives again! Rules is rules. Zzzzz. DAVID Siavash still has his own mind! He doesn't have to vote if he doesn't want to; if BB is that bothered, they can chuck him out, can't they!
What's Rodrigo getting all aerated about? People are seriously worried, aren't they! The people with no faith in their own popularity. Charlie is attacking the wrong people as usual.
David on Ice! We wish. OMG the dark horse having a wank! Why announce it? Just do it privately! Why do they all want to see?! They happy slapped him! Ew, the belt buckle was undone!
At least he took it in good faith! Muchos LOLs.

Big Brother 10: I'm sorry, but it is funny

So are we going to have a positive or negative day? Ah, negative.
Bea: 'I've never had anything spat into my face before.' Well get used to it if you're going to go down Chinawhites when you get out; let Danielle Lloyd be a lesson to us all (in more ways than one). Charlie looked defeated in the fact of (non)spit-gate. Another scalp to claim en route to the biggest booing of all time.
Siavash declared Lenny Kravitz the coolest human being ever! Perhaps he meant 'mightiest douche'.
Warming to Lisa more than ever this week as she sees through Bea's Tiny Tears act. If she slaps the bitch, she could become my winner!
I like it when they get messages from home. It makes me realise they are human. Lisa got a message from some horror-movie style twins! Aw, they were kind of cute. LOL Siavash said it was like The Shining!
I actually felt something for Charlie too! I thought his mum had been in a coma for years, but it's six months. Maybe she will come out of it, then. You never know. (But let's not get our issues confused, he's not our winner). He looked like his dad! Rodrigo's face when he came back out; you can tell he really loves him, underneath all that hurt.
LOL to Bea's message 'maybe your mum was busy.' More likely she's disowned you, you psychotic munt. Bea's friend must be touched that she so appreciated her message. Every time Bea cries, it makes my heart soar. Genuinely. Seriously, if you gave her the moon on a stick, she'd want the moon on a stick, but carried by the rarest butterflies on the planet. You've not seen your mum for four or five weeks! Get a grip, you idiot. OMG why is BB even telling her that her mum didn't want to appear on TV? They shouldn't tell her ANYTHING! Keep that bitch suffering! Bad Big Brother! That's telling them stuff from home! God, if I'd given birth to that, I'd be ashamed to show my face too. She's fucking nutso.
Aw David's family have had T-shirts made with his picture on. I hope it says 'Fat Cunt' on the back. Jesus, stop blubbing, man!
ARGH my freeview cut out for about ten minutes on the middle. Boo! I wanna see Marcus's message. Right, I'm going to watch this again on the plus one. Haha, Bea's friend's message was even funnier the second time round in the aftermath of the crocodile river!
What's up with Siavash? I thought he was freaking because it wasn't his dad.
Urgh, the REAL Mighty Douche is back to give a message to Sophie! Woo, 'she's nailing the tasks'! Who said romance is dead? Fuck off Kris, you dickhead. 'Love you lots...' but not as much as he loves himself (or All Saints).
Haha omg Bea still going on about that video, she listed that person about 4839338420 down her list of people who she wanted to hear from. What a CUNT! Haha, Rodrigo and Charlie laughing about it was good.
OMG they really dug her out about it; that was marvellous. You can tell she's literally never been crossed in her life. Did she just admit she had no friends? Heheheeheheeeee! Her mum is gonna get it in the NECK!
Go on, Roddy, stick to your guns! Stop saying sorry to her! Stop feeding her cunt-fire! OMG Rodrigo and Marcus laughing at Bea's misfortune; I love it!
Kris... such a nice personality... I don't think so, Sonny Jim.
I missed the last bit after the break because my box died again. Oh well. I got the idea.
The only fate worse than being locked in that house with Bea, is being Bea herself. That would be some REAL torture. That poor, poor girl.