Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.

The Model Agency

Not had enough of tyrannical cunts at work? Then why not watch The Model Agency.
Oh, model agencies. Full of arsehole men and women and reedy girls. I've seen it a million times before. I've seen a show really similar to this on C4 on Sunday mornings, reasonably recently, I'm sure of it. In fact, I think that's the same woman who was on it.
Why are all the model scouts so fugly? They seem like they're all cut from the same cloth; hard-faced and ruthless. LOL to that bloke reading a book and texting whilst someone is trying to talk to him, what an arsehole.
To be a model you have to look like you've 'come from another planet'. I can look like I've come from another planet if it's early in the morning, or I've been up late enough. Still don't think they'd book me. I think what they really mean if you have to look like emaciated and have un unnaturally large gap between your eyes.
Perhaps I would give more of a shit about this India storyline if we'd ever met her or seen her. As it is, I don't fucking blame her for wanting out, especially if someone called her fat when she's built like a chopstick.
Lol to the disgust at someone being 'a full C cup'. Heavens.
'I just want to stop all the pressure on India by ringing and texting her constantly until she forgets school and comes back to work as a model!' Fuck me.
Ah, here's India, part-Lily Cole, face like a satellite dish, and not knowing what she wants to do. Imagine being able to turn a 'dream' job down on a whim. I smell money. Sad when you think of all the girl's starving themselves to achieve that throwaway dream. But still, I don't blame her.
Why is this model scout such a crybaby?! STFU already. Stop acting like you care about this girl, you don't! You're pressurising her. RESPECT HER DECISION. No means no, you learn that when you're about three years old.
I dont think I can face this again, it's too vapid, but with no humour.
NB. Here's how you use a Flip camera. Press the red button, dumbass.

C4: Tower Block of Commons

Exitainment is back and gone high brow (ish). After the cheap winter thrill of CBB, we're back to cheap documentaries and soaps. And a friend recommended I watch this. I'm pleased it's on channel 4 rather than the BBC, as this is the sort of programme the BBC messes up, big time. The only good documentaries the BBC has, are presented by Louis Theroux.
The premise is simple; MPs go live in a tower block to see how their 'voters' live. As if people on council estates vote. As if anyone votes.
It's a bit like Secret Millionaire, but with arseholes. Ian Duncan Smith! IDS! Not just as good as William Hague. Where's he hiding his personality? Tim Loughton, I don't even know who that is. Austin Mitchell I think came to a work thing of mine. Nah, it weren't him. Mark Oaten (Lib Dems) didn't so much come out of the closet but got blasted out by the tabloids. But he only fucked those rent boys because he was having a bad time at work and was feeling a bit depressed. He's not gay! NOT. GAY.
He thinks he's going to have to 'eat McDonalds and watch Coronation Street'. Sweet! Sign me up. Oh, I'm already signed up.
CHOG! (Chav dog) spotted. Whoever designed the council block Mark Oaten went to was some sadistic fucker. It was desolate. Not all bad though, Kathy, his host, has a telly roughly six times bigger than mine. Mark Oaten has a swimming pool! He probably goes out for a sauna.
Tim Laughton (Conservative) went to stay with a single mum, Natina. Ian Duncan Smith went to stay with the rather glamorous Charise. He patronised her mega! 'Do you know what Big Ben is?' Fuck off!
Austin took his wife Linda along, but refused to stay with the common people, instead renting their own council flat. He and his wife revealed themselves to be cunts of the first order in about the first 5 seconds of seeing them.
Selina, their hook up, had a lucky escape that he's not stopping with her. So THIS is where Jeremy Kyle's guests live. It's a bit sad, really. No wonder a night in a hotel seems worth getting him shouting in your face.
Actually though, everyone kept their houses really nice, furniture-wise. I guess they would, if they stay in them all day.
Austin bought a jacket from 'TJ Maxx!' Just as good.
Tim Loughton gives me the creeps. He's like some dark character being played by Adam Buxton on a very bad day. Tory scum! I wonder why people don't like you. Yay, he's getting stick about the expenses scandal, hehe. The guy berating him was quite eloquent! There IS a two-tier system; they steal and get away with it. Haha, then he got accosted by a chavalanche at the local shops!
I like Charise! She's cute. She's giving IDS the runaround.
OMG the mould in Kathy's bathroom! Health and safety! That's totally unacceptable. A shit in the corridor! Lush. Then some chavs said 'aint you the one who got done by the rent boys, you got AIDS!' and Mark Oaten went and cried in a field. Oh dear. Try living there. I liked Kathy saying 'he'll need a noose by the end of the week' quite cheerfully.
Charise and her mates giving IDS a load of shit was funny! Asking him about oral sex! LOLs.
Ha, Natina put Tim on babysitting duty and said 'I swear down if you mess this up you'll be dead meat'.
Mark Oaten; there's nothing wrong with being gay, or even (gosh!) bi! Just admit it and we'll all get along much better. It's the lying that's the bad part.
OMG Ian Duncan Smith dropped out! His wife got cancer... convenient (!) Aw that's a shame, I liked Charise the best. He had the best deal there. Tory fail.
Natina and Tim arguing about his clothes was quite funny. I wasn't feeling his shoes either.
Austin seemed to think that it was funny Selina was on methadone. I wonder what that methadone tastes like? Yum yum. Austin and his wife are totally useless. It's scary that someone who knows nothing about drugs could be influencing drug policy. Shut up about your newspaper, dumbass. And then comparing a heroin addiction to having a glass of wine was just tasteless. That woman is so out of touch it's offensive. OMG Austin said he previously thought the drug's problem was 'folklore'! WTF. Then his stupid wife admitted she used to be hooked on prescription meds! Hypocrite. That prescription meds thing is the biggest crock; people popping all those nasty painkillers complaining about people doing E or weed. At least ecstasy and dope do what they says on the label (OK, illegal drugs don't have labels, but they are aptly named).
Drinking tea and smoking fags all day long sounds like my boyfriend's idea of heaven!
Natina seemed quite hard, I felt for her. It's life that makes you like that. No; it's pain.
Mark Oaten actually seems OK (I know that's the point, because it's a PR stunt), at least he tried to help Kathy rather than scurrying off.
I don't think I've actually seen Tim Laughton walking round on that estate. He's just hiding indoors! Ah he finally went out to a party! Bless him, at least he tried, he looked like a fish out of water. His dancing was hilarious! He must have been mash up by that point. I warmed to him a little at the end.
OMG this in for a another few weeks. It's worth a look, you know, just a little one.
But for the real hardcore; the decent TV starts tomorrow on BBC Three. We got a new series of Snog Marry Avoid, followed by a programme called 'Hotter than My Daughter' which I'm sure is just as good as Date My Mom, followed by a programme on tanning presented by Nicola Roberts (yeah the ugly/ ginger one- oh I forgot, she's not ugly any more. She's FASHION, darling). Now THAT'S a night's viewing.